CONTENTS
Dedication
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six
Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Nine
Thirty
Thirty-One
Thirty-Two
Thirty-Three
Thirty-Four
Thirty-Five
Thirty-Six
Thirty-Seven
Thirty-Eight
Thirty-Nine
Forty
Forty-One
Forty-Two
Forty-Three
Forty-Four
Forty-Five
Forty-Six
Forty-Seven
Forty-Eight
Forty-Nine
Fifty
Fifty-One
Fifty-Two
Fifty-Three
FiftyFour
Fifty-Five
Fifty-Six
Fifty-Seven
Fifty-Eight
Fifty-Nine
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
Copyright
AboutthePublisherDedication
Formyreadersallovertheworldwhoneverstoppedbelievinginme,evenwhenIdidONETheWi-FiPassword-Raquel-
ItallstartedwiththeWi-Fipassword.
Iknow,itsoundssimpleandunimportant,butnowadaysyourWi-Fipasswordismorevaluablethanalmostanyotherthingyouown.Theinternetaloneisaddictiveenough;addwirelesstechnology,andyouhaveapermanentwaytofeedthataddictionundertheroofofyourhouse.IknowpeoplewhowouldmuchratherstayinsidethangiveuptheirWi-Ficonnection.
TobackuptheimportanceofWi-Fi,Iwanttoshareastoryaboutmyneighbors:theHidalgos.Theonlyneighborswedon’tinteractwith.ButIneedtogobackevenfurthertowhenmymotherimmigratedtotheUnitedStatesfromMexicowhileshewaspregnantwithme.She’sstruggledsincearrivinginthissmallNorthCarolinatown.Growingup,Iwitnessedhervictoriesandherdefeats,hereffortsandherperseverance.She’sanamazingwomanwhocommandseveryone’srespect.Andinfact,shehasn’thadtroublesocializingwithourneighbors,buttheHidalgosaretheoneexception.Why?Well,they’rewealthyandratherobnoxious.
ThefamilyconsistsofSofiaHidalgo,herhusbandJuan,andtheirthreechildren:Artemis,Ares,andApolo.TheirparentsclearlyhadanobsessionwithGreekmythology.Ican’timaginehowthepoorkidsaredoinginschool.Ican’tbetheonlyonewhohasnoticedtheirpeculiarnames.Youmaybewondering:HowdoIknowsomuchaboutthemifwedon’teventalktoeachother?
Thereasonhasafirstandlastname:AresHidalgo.
Isigh,andimaginaryheartsfloataroundme.
EventhoughAresdoesn’tgotomyschool—hegoestoafancyprivateschoolinstead—I’vespentalotoftimecheckinghimout.Let’sjustsayI’vehadanimmense,years-longcrushonhim.ItbeganthefirsttimeIsawhimplayingwithasoccerballinhisbackyardwhenIwasjusteightyearsold.IwasshockedbecausehewasthefirstmemberofhisfamilythatIsawbackthere.
Naturally,mycrushhasdiminishedabitovertheyearsbecauseI’veneveractuallytalkedtohim.Wehaven’tevensharedasimpleglance.Idon’tthinkhe’severnoticedmypresence,notevenwhenIstareathimlikeanidiot.
However,thelittlecontactI’vepreviouslyhadwithmyneighborsisabouttochange,asitturnsoutthatWi-Fiisnotonlycapableofconnectingourdevices,butit’salsoabletobridgedifferentworlds.
ImagineDragonsplaysthroughoutmysmallroomasIsingandtakeoffmyshoes.Ijustgothomefrommysummerjob,andI’mexhausted.SinceI’meighteen,I’msupposedtobefullofenergy,butmymothersaysshehasalotmoreenergythanIdo,andshe’sright.Istretchout,yawning,andmyhusky,Rocky,mimicsme,stretchingouthispaws.Peoplesaydogsbecomemoreliketheirowners,andit’struethatRockyismydoggyincarnation.Iswearhesometimesevenmimicsmyfacialexpressions.
Myeyeslandontheposterswithpositivemessageshangingallaroundmyroom.Mydreamistobeapsychologistandhelppeople.I’mreallyhopingtogetascholarshipbecauseIknowthatcollegeisn’tsomethingI’llbeabletoeasilyafford.
Iwalktomywindow,intendingtowatchthesunset.It’smyfavoritetimeofday.Ilovewatchingasthesundisappearsacrossthehorizonandmakeswayforthearrivalofthebeautifulmoon.It’sasiftheyhaveasecretritualbetweenthem,apactwheretheypromisednevertomeet,buttosharethemajesticsky.Myroomisonthesecondfloor,soIhaveawonderfulview.
However,whenIopenmycurtains,it’snotthesunsetthatsurprisesmebutthepersonsittinginmyneighbors’backyard:ApoloHidalgo.It’sbeenalongtimesinceIsawamemberofthatfamilyoutthere.
Apoloistheyoungestofthethreebrothers.He’ssixteenandfromwhatIhearhe’sanicekid,althoughIcan’tsaythesameforhisolderbrothers.Nodoubtthebeautygenerunsintheirfamily,sinceallthreebrothersareincrediblyattractive.Eventheirfatherisgood-looking.Apolohasafacethatexudesinnocence,lightbrownhair,andamber-coloredeyesjustlikehisfather’s.
Leaningonthewindowsill,Igazedirectlyathim.Hehasalaptopandseemstobetypingsomethinginahurry.
Whereareyourmanners,Raquel?mymother’svoicesoundsinmymind,scoldingme.
ShouldIsayhi?
Ofcourse,he’syourfuturebrother-in-law,Ianswermyself.
Takingachance,Iclearmythroatandputonmybestsmile.
“Goodafternoon,neighbor!”Ishout,wavingmyhandintheair.Apololooksupandhislittlefacestretchesinsurprise.
“Oh!”Hejumpsup,andhislaptopabruptlydropstotheground.“Shit!”hemumbles,pickingitupandcheckingit.
“Isitokay?”Iask,noticinghislaptopisanexpensivebrand.
Apolobreathesasighofrelief.“Yeah,it’sfine.”
“I’mRaquel,I’myourneigh—”
“Iknowwhoyouare,”heinterrupts.Hesmileskindlyatme.“We’relifelongneighbors.”
Oh,IguessApolohasnoticedme.
“Sure,”Imutter,knowingmycheeksareflushed.
“Ihavetogo.”Hepicksuphischair.“Hey,thanksforsharingyourWi-Fipassword,bytheway.We’regoingtobewithoutinternetforafewdayswhiletheyinstallanewservice.It’sreallyniceofyoutoshare.”
Ifreeze.“Sharemyinternet?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“You’resharingyourWi-Fiwithus,that’swhyI’mhereintheyard.Thesignaldoesn’treachthehouse.”
“What?”ButIdidn’tgiveyouthepassword…”Confusionbarelyletsmespeak.
Apolofrowns.“Arestoldmethatyougavehimthepassword.”
MyheartfluttersinmychestwhenIhearthatname.“I’veneverevenexchangedawordwithyourbrother.”
Believeme,IwouldrememberingreatdetailifIhad!
Apoloseemstorealizethatsomething’soff,andhischeeksturnred.“I’msorry,Arestoldmethatyougavehimthepassword.That’swhyI’mhere.I’msorry,really.”
“Relax,it’snotyourfault.”
“Butifyoudidn’tgivehimthepassword,thenhowdoeshehaveit?Ijustconnectedtoyourinternet.”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Itwon’thappenagain.Iapologize,again.”Withhisheaddown,hedisappearsbacktowardhishouse.
IstareattheplacewhereApolohadbeensitting.Whatwasthatallabout?HowdoesAreshavemyWi-Fipassword?Aresisnotonlythemosthandsomeofthethreebrothers,buthe’salsothecoldest,andprobablytheleastlikelytoaskforafavor.Thisisturningintoamystery.Icanevenimaginethetitle:TheWi-FiPasswordMystery.Ishakemyheadattheidea.
Iclosethewindowandleanagainstit,bitingmylip.Mypasswordisembarrassing,andsomehowApolonowknowsit.HowdidAresgetit?
“Raquel!Dinnerisready!”mymomcallsfromdownstairs.
“I’mcoming,Mom!”
IglancebackattheHidalgos’housebeforeheadingdownstairs.Thisisnotover.I’llfindouthowAresgotmypassword.It’llbelikemyowncrimesceneinvestigation.Whoknows?MaybeI’llevenbuysomesunglassestolooklikeaprofessionaldetective.
“Raquel!”
“I’mcoming!”
Asmirkslipsacrossmylips.
ProjectWi-FiPassword:activated.TWOTheObnoxiousNeighbor
IhatebeingdisturbedwhenIsleep.
It’soneofthefewthingsIcan’tstand.Normally,I’maquiet,peacefulperson,butifyouwakemeup,you’llseemydarkerside.So,whenI’mawakenedbyanunfamiliartune,Ican’thelpbutgruntinannoyance.Itossandturninmybed,coveringmyheadwithmypillow,butthedamageisdone,andIcan’tfallasleepagain.Irritated,Itossthepillowasideandsitup,mutteringprofanities.Wherethehellisthatsoundcomingfrom?
Igroan.It’smidnight.Whocouldbemakingnoiseatthishour?It’snoteventheweekend.Istumblelikeazombietomyopenwindow,andthecoolbreezesneakingthroughthecurtainsgivesmegoosebumps.I’musedtosleepingwiththewindowopenbecauseI’veneverhadaproblemwithnoisesduringthenight,untilnow.Irecognizethesong:“RayandoElSol”byManá.Tiltingmyheadtotheside,Ipartthecurtainstofindoutwhereit’scomingfrom.There’ssomeonesittingonthesmallchairintheHidalgos’yard.
Butit’snotApolothistime.
MyheartburstswhenIrealizeit’snoneotherthanAres.
Aresisthebest-lookingguyI’veeverseeninmyentirelife,andbelieveme,I’veseenquiteafew.He’stallandathletic,withmuscularlegsandanasstodiefor.Hisfaceisperfectlyproportioned,withhighcheekbonesandagorgeousnose.Hislipsarefullandlookwetallthetime.Hisupperlipformsanarchlikethetopofadrawnheartandhislowerlipisaccompaniedbyanalmostimperceptiblepiercing.HiseyestakemybreathawayeverytimeIseethem.They’redeepbluewithaflashofstunninggreen.Hishairisjetblack,contrastingnicelywithhiscreamywhiteskin,andfallscarelesslyoverhisforeheadandears.Hehasatattooonhisleftarmofacurvydragonthatlooksprofessionallydone.EverythingaboutAresscreamsmysteryanddanger,whichshouldkeepmeawayfromhim,butinsteaddrawsmeinwithaforcethattakesmeaback.
Underthefloodlight,Icanseethathe’swearingshorts,apairofConverse,andablackT-shirtthatmatcheshishair.Igawkathimashetypessomethingonhislaptop,nibblingonhislowerlip.Sexy!
Butthenithappens.Ares’sheadsnapsup,andheseesme.Thosebeautifulblueeyesmeetmine,andmyworldstops.HeandIhavenevermadedirecteyecontact.Withoutmeaningto,Iblushimmediately,butIcan’tlookaway.
Aresarchesaneyebrow,andhisgazeisascoldasice.“Doyouneedsomething?”
Hisvoicelacksanyemotion.Iswallow,strugglingtofindmyvoice.Hislookparalyzesme.Howcansomeonesoyoungbesointimidating?
“I…Hi,”Ialmoststutter.Hedoesn’tsayanything,juststaresatme,makingmemorenervous.Igriptheedgeofmywindowsill.“I-I—yourmusicwokemeup.”
I’mtalkingtoAres.
God,don’tfaint,Raquel.Breathe
“Youhaveagoodear.Yourroomisquitefar.”
That’sit?He’snotgoingtoapologizeforwakingmeup?Hereturnshisattentiontothelaptopandcontinuestypingonit.Itwistmylipsinirritation.Afterafewminutes,henoticesthatIhaven’tmoved,andhelooksbackatme,lipspursed.
“Doyouneedsomething?”herepeatswithanairofannoyance.
Thatgivesmethecouragetospeak.“Actually,yes.Iwantedtotalktoyou.”
Hemakesagestureformetocontinue.
Ifrown.“AreyouusingmyWi-Fi?”
“Yes.”Hedidn’tevenhesitatetoanswer.
“Withoutmypermission?”
“Yes.”
God,hisaudacityisinfuriating.“Youshouldn’tdothat.”
“Iknow.”Heshrugs,showingmehowlittlehecares.
“Howdoyouhavemypassword?”
“Ihavegoodcomputerskills.”
“Youmeanyouobtaineditinsomefraudulentway.”
“Ihackedintoyourcomputer.”
“Andyoucansaythatsocalmly?”
“Honestyisoneofmybestqualities.”
“You’rean…”Hewaitsformyinsult,buthissharpgazeaffectsmymind,andIcan’tthinkofanythingcreative,soIgoforthetraditional:“You’reanidiot.”
Hislipscurveupwardinasmallsmile.“Whataninsult!Ithoughtyou’dbemorecreativeafterdiscoveringyourpassword.”
Mycheeksheatup,andIcanonlyimaginehowredImustbe.Heknowsmypassword.MyfrustratingchildhoodcrushknowsmyridiculousWi-Fipassword.I’mdoomed.
“Noonewassupposedtoknowaboutit.”Ilowermyhead.Arescloseshislaptopandfocusesonme,amused.
“IknowalotofthingsaboutyouthatIshouldn’tknow,Raquel.”Hearinghimsaymynamesendsbutterfliestomystomach.Itrytostaycool.
“Ohyeah?Likewhat?”
“Likethosewebsitesyouvisitwheneveryoneelseisasleep.”
Mymouthopensinsurprise,butIquicklycloseit.OhmyGod,he’sseenmybrowsinghistory?I’msoembarrassed.I’vevisitedseveralpornsitesoutofcuriosity.Justcuriosity.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Yes,youdo.”Aressmiles.
Idon’tlikewherethisconversationisgoing.“Anyway,that’snotthepoint,stopusingmyWi-Fiandstopmakingnoise.”
Aresstandsupfromthesmallchair.“Orwhat?”
“Or…I’lltellonyou.”
Aresburstsoutlaughing.Hislaughishoarseandsexy.“Areyougoingtotellyourmom?”heasksinamockingtone.
“Yes,oryours.”Ifeelsafestandingatmywindow,butIdon’tthinkI’dbesobraveifwewerefacingeachotherintheyard.
Heleansbackinhischair.“I’llkeepusingyourWi-Fi,andyouwon’tdoanythingaboutit.”
“Really?”
Thechallengeinhiseyesisoverwhelming.Iknowminemustbethesame.
“There’snothingyoucando.Ifyoutellmymother,I’lldenyit,andshe’llbelieveme.Ifyoutellyours,I’llshowherthepagesyouvisitwhennooneiswatchingyou,”hesays.
“Areyoublackmailingme?”
Hestrokeshisjawasifhe’sconsideringmyquestion.“Iwouldn’tcallitblackmail,butrathercomingtoanagreement.IgetwhatIwant,andyougetmysilenceinreturn.”
“Yoursilenceaboutinformationyougotbyhackingme.That’snotfair.”
Aresshrugshisshoulders.“Haven’tyouheardthatlifeisn’tfair?”
Igritmyteeth.Jerk
“Ifyouhavenothingmoretosay,Iwasdoingsomethingimportant.”Hesitsupandopenshislaptop.
Istareathimlikeafool,notknowingifit’sbecausehe’sthatmuchofajerkorbecausethefeelingsIhadforhimasachildhaven’tcompletelygoneaway.Eitherway,Ihavetogetbackinside;thecoldbreezeisn’tpleasant.Iclosethewindowanddefeatedlycrawlbackbetweenmywarmsheets.
MyiPhonevibratesonthebedsidetable.Whocouldbetextingmeatthishour?Iopenthemessageandgaspinsurprise.
UnknownNumber:Goodnight,Witch.
Sincerelyyours,
Ares.
Igroaninfrustration.Whoishecallingawitch?Andhowthehelldoeshehavemynumber?Apparently,thingswithAresarenowherenearover,buthe’ssorelymistakenifhethinksI’llsitbyanddonothing.
Youmessedwiththewrongneighbor!THREETheSoccerPractice
“Youwhat?”Daniela,mychildhoodbestfriend,almostspitshersodainmyface.
We’rehangingoutinthemostpopularcaféintown,hidingawayfromthesummerheat.GodblesstheAC.Weloveithere.Thecalmmusicanddimlylitsurroundingscreateasoft,comfortableenergy,andit’sbecomeourfavoritespottohang.
“Yes,IdidexactlywhatIsaid,”Isigh,playingwiththestrawofmyorangejuice.
Danielagrinsbroadlyasifshe’swonthelottery.Herblackhairfallstothesidesofherface,framingitperfectly.Shehasthatkindofhairwhereevenifyoudon’tcombit,itstilllooksgood.I’msoenvious!Butit’sthegoodkindofenvy,ofcourse.
DanielahasbeenbymysideforaslongasIcanremember.Ourfriendshipstartedinkindergartenwhenshestuckapencilinmyear.Yes,itwasanunconventionalwaytostartalifelongfriendship,butthat’sus:unconventionalandcrazy.Somehow,weadjustedtoeachotherinaperfect,synchronizedway.Ifthat’snottruefriendship,thenIdon’tknowwhatis.
Danikeepsthatgoofygrinonherface.
“Whyareyousodiscouraged?We’retalkingaboutAres…yourcrushsinceyouwereseven,orsomething.”
“Itoldyouhowhetreatedme.”
“Buthetreatedyou,Raquel.Hetalkedtoyou;henoticedyourpresenceinthisworld.That’sastart!It’smuchbetterthanjustlookingathimfromafarlikeacreepystalker.”
“Idon’tstalkhim!”
Danirollshereyes.“Really?Areyougoingtotrytodenyit?Tome?I’veseenyoustalkhimfromtheshadows.”
“Ofcoursenot,it’spurecoincidencethatIseehiminthedistancewhenIwalkaroundtown.”
“Walkingthroughtownorhidingbehindabush?”sheteases.
“Anyway,”Ichangethesubject.“You’resupposedtohelpme,IneedtofindawaytostophimfromusingmyWi-Fi.Idon’twanthimtogetawaywithit.”
“Whydon’tyouchangethepassword?”
“Sohecanjusthackmycomputeragain?No,thankyou.”
Danitakesouthermakeupandlooksinthemirrortoadjustherhair.“Ireallydon’tknowwhattosay,girl.WhatifweaskAndresforhelp?”
“Areyoukidding?Andforthelasttime,Dani,it’sAndré,noS.”
“Whatever.”Shetakesoutherlipstickandstartstoapplyabrightredcolortoherlips.“He’sgoodatcomputerstuff,right?”
“Doyoureallyhavetodothathere?”Iask,eventhoughshedoesitallthetime.“Andyes,Iguessso;hehelpedFranciswithhiscomputerproject.”
“Thereyougo.”Daniputshermakeupawayandstandsup.“SeehowIalwaysfindsolutionsforyou?”Iopenmymouthtospeak,butshecontinues.“Infact,doyouknowwhatmyadviceis?”
“Getoverit?”
“Yes.You’rewastingyourtime,really.”
“He’sjustso…”Isigh.“Perfect.”
Daniignoresmylaststatement.“Ihavetogotothebathroom;I’llberightback.”
Sheturnsandwalksaway,earningafewstaresfromtheguysthatshepasses.Daniistallandhasagreatcurvybody.Icanhonestlysaythatmybestfriendisoneofthehottestgirlsatmyschool.
Itakeasipfrommystraw,finishingthelastofmyOJ.It’shotashelloutside,butIrejoiceinit.Idon’twantsummertoendbecausethatmeansclasseswillbeginand,tobehonest,theideaofenteringmysenioryearofhighschoolscaresmealittle.
ThoughtsofAresinvademymindagain,andIrememberhisvoiceaswellashisarrogantsmilefromthenightbefore.Iknowhedoesn’thavethebestpersonalityintheworld.AsI’vewatchedhim,I’vecometorealizehowcoldandmeticulousheis.Hebarelysmilesanddoesn’tusuallytalkmuch,preferringcurtanswersandgestures.It’slikehe’sarobot,incapableoffeeling.PartofmeishopingthatI’mwrongandhe’sactuallyasweetpersonontheinsideorsomething.
IscrollthroughInstagramuntilIseeapostfromDani’sbrother,Dean.HegoestothesameschoolasAresandplaysonhissoccerteam.Hepostedapictureoftheguysatpracticeonapublicfieldnearmyneighborhood.It’sachancetoseeAresfromadistance.
Aftersettlingthebill,IleanagainstthewallinfrontofthebathroomtowaitforDani,runningmyfingersthroughmylong,lightbrownhairtocheckfortangles.Ishufflemyfeetimpatientlyuntilmybestfrienddeignstocomeout.
Daniraisesaneyebrow.“Youalreadypaid?Ithoughtwewouldhavedinnerhere.”
“Soccerpractice.”
“You’regoingtoabandonmeheretogoseeabunchofbeautiful,attractive,possiblyshirtlessguys?”shejokes.
“Doyouwanttogo?”
“No,stalkingguysfromadistanceisn’tmything.I’mmoreintoactionandyouknowit.”Shewinks.
“Stoprubbingyourexperienceinmyface.”Ipretendtosoundhurt.
“Stopbeingavirgin.”Shestickshertongueoutatme.
“MaybeI’mnotanymore.”Ialsostickoutmytongue.
“Yeah,sure,stopsavingyourvirginityforthatcrushofyours.”
“Dani!I’mnotsavinganythingforhim.”
Sheavertshergaze.“Ofcourse,ofcourse,goaway.Godforbidyoumissthechancetoseehimshirtlessbecauseofme.”
“Henevertakeshisshirtoff,”Imutter.
Danilaughs.“He’smakingyougocrazy,naughtygirl.”
“Dani!”
“I’llshutup.Go,Ihavethingstodoanyway,don’tworry.”
Withmycheeksonfire,Ileavethecafé,andheadtowardthefield.
OnceIarrive,Ibuyapineapplemilkshake—myfavorite—andsliponmydarkglasses.Iflipthetopofmyhoodieovermyheadtocovermyhairandsitinthestandsoutfronttoenjoytheview.Otherthanme,therearefourgirlssittingthere—theyareprobablytheplayers’girlfriendsorjusttheirfriends.I’mprettysureI’veseenoneofthemkissingoneoftheguysbefore.It’ssohot,I’mroastinginsidethishoodie.Itwasapoorchoiceofcamouflageonmypart.
Theboysarespreadoutacrossthefielddoingroutinestretches.Althoughthisisthesoccerteamfromaneliteprivateschool,theyhavetopracticehereduringthesummerwhilesomekindofyearlymaintenanceisperformedontheirownfield,oratleastthat’swhatDeantoldDani.Aresjogsaroundthefield,wearingblackshortsandagreenT-shirtwiththenumberfiveonhisback.Hisblackhairflipsinthewindashejogs.Iwatchhimlikeafoolandforgetallaboutourinteractionlastnight.
He’ssohandsome!
Cloudsswallowthebrightsunaspracticeends,thunderrumbles,and,withoutwarning,itbeginstorain.ColdraindropsfallonmeandIcursetomyself,pullingthetopofmyhoodtighterovermyhead.Irundownthestandsandquicklypasstheparkinglot.Theguysareabouttoleave,andthereforetheriskofAresseeingmeishigh.InmyrushtogetoutofthereIcrashrightintosomeone.
“Ow!”Itouchmynose,lookingup.
It’soneoftheguysontheteam,atall,dark-haired,tannedguywholookslikehe’sstraightoutofaTVseries.“Areyouokay?”
Ipushpasthim,tryingtogetawayasquicklyaspossible.Andthenithappens,Ihearthevoiceofmyenduring,frustratedlove.
“Whatareyoudoingstandinghereintherain?”Aresaskstheboybehindme
“Ibumpedintoaweirdgirl.Shewaswearingsunglassesandahoodieinthisheat.”
“You’retheweirdone,”ImurmurandtrytohearAres’sreplythroughtherain,butI’vealreadywalkedtoofaraway.Thatwasclose.
Iurgemylegstomovefaster,sighinginreliefwhenIseetheexit.Iturnrighttocontinuehome.Therainisheavy,butIdon’tseeaplacewhereIcantakecover,notevenabusstop.Ihearvoicesandinstinctivelyduckintoanalley.Withmybackagainstthewall,Idaretopeekdownthestreet.Aresisstandingthere,chattingwithsomeguysfromtheteam.Theyallhaveumbrellas,ofcourse.
Ishouldhavecheckedtheweatherforecast!
“Areyousureyoudon’twanttocomewithus?”thetannedguyIcrashedintoearlierasksinsistently.
“No,Ihavethingstodoathome,”Aressays.
Hisfriendswalkaway,andAresjuststandsthereintherain,asifwaitingforsomething.Inarrowmyeyes.Whatishewaitingfor?Aresstartstomoveand,tomysurprise,hedoesn’tgointhedirectionofhishousebutinsteadturnstheoppositeway.Didhelietohisfriends?Mycuriosityencouragesmetomakeabaddecision.
Ifollowhim.
It’sgettingdarkeranddarker,andwe’removingawayfromthedowntownareaintoaneighborhoodoflonelierstreets.Thisisabadidea.WhatamIdoing?I’veneverfollowedhimbefore,butI’minterestedtoknowwhyheliedtohisfriends.Although,honestly,that’snotmyproblem.
Aresdoesn’tslowdownandit’sasifheknowsexactlywherehe’sgoing.Ipassasmallwoodenbridge,andacoolnightbreezebrushesovermeasdarkcloudsswallowwhatsunlightisleft.Ihugmyselfandmoistenmylips.Whereishegoinginthedark?
Icannolongerseetheroad,onlyadirtpaththattakesusintotheforest.Myconfusionisgrowing.Iknowthatthere’snothingherebuttreesanddarkness.AresjumpsoverasmallfencetotheplaceIleastexpectedtosee—thetowncemetery.
Whatthehell?Ididn’tevenknowyoucouldgettothetowncemeterybygoingthisway.Andwhat’shedoinghere?Ohno.Myimaginationisrunningwildagain.
He’savampire,andhecomesheretoreflectonwhetherornottokillhisnextvictim.Orworse,heknowsI’mfollowinghimandbroughtmeheretosuckmyblooddry.
No,no,no,no,Ican’tdieavirgin.
Hesitantly,Ihopoverthesmallfencetoo.Ican’tbelieveI’mfollowinghimintothecemetery.Tosaythatthisplaceisspookyisanunderstatement.ThecloudsthatarestillcoveringtheskypairedwithanoccasionalflashoflightningmakemefeellikeI’minahorrormovie.
BeingthefoolthatIam,Icontinuetofollowmycrushasheweavesthroughthegraves.Iconsiderthatmaybehe’sgoingtovisitsomeone,buttherehaven’tbeenanydeathsinAres’sfamilythatIcanremember.Believeme,inasmalltownyouhearabouteverything,andeveryoneknowseveryone.
Areswalksfaster,andIstruggletocatchupwithhim,allwhilekeepingasafedistance.Weenteranareaofmausoleums,whichresemblesmallhousesforthosewhoarenolongerwithus.Aresturnsacorner,andIhurrytofollowhim,butwhenIroundthecorner,he’sgone.
Shit
Stayingcalm,Icrossthelittlepathbetweenmausoleums,butIdon’tseehimanywhere.Iswallowthickly,myheartbeatinglikecrazyinmychest.Aflashoflightningfollowedbyarumbleofthunderstartlesme.Thiswasareallybadidea.WhatwasIdoingfollowinghimtothecemetery?Iturnaround.Ineedtogetoutofherebeforeoneofthesesoulsdecidestocomeafterme.
ThisiswhatIgetforbeingcurious,Ideserveit.Anotherflareoflightning,anothercrashofthunder,andmypoorheartisonthevergeofcollapse.I’mpassinginfrontofacryptwhenIhearstrangenoises.
Shit,shit,shit.
I’mnotgoingtostickaroundtofindoutwhoorwhatitis.Ihurry,almostrunning,andofcourse,becauseI’mclumsywhenI’mscared,Itripoveratreerootandfalltomyhandsandknees.Isitonthebackofmythighs,shakingmyhandswhenIfeelit.Something,orsomeone,isbehindme.Ashadowfallsoverthepathinfrontofme,ashapelesssilhouette.
Iscreamsoloudthatmythroatburns.IgetupfastandturntostartprayingindefenseandthenIseehim.
AresFOURTheCemetery
Aresstandsinfrontofme,hisblackjacketpartiallycoveringthegreenT-shirtIsawhimwearingatpractice,anumbrellaoverhishead,andhisfreehandinthepocketofhisblackshorts.Helookslikewhatheis:arich,athleticyoungman.
Heappearscalm,asifhehasn’tjustscaredmesobadlythatIalmostfainted.It’sthefirsttimeI’vebeenthisclosetohim.Iunderestimatedhisheight,whichisveryintimidating,andhiscoldgazeonlymakesmemorenervous.Afaintsheenofsweatdampensthebackofmyneck,andIsqueezemyhandsatmysides.It’ssurrealtofacehimafterwatchinghimfromadistanceforsolong.I’mnotreadyeventhoughI’vepicturedthismomentathousandtimes,butinnoneofthoseimaginaryscenarioswereweinacemetery,norwasIsweatyandwetfromtherain.
“Youscaredme,”Isay,clutchingatmychest.
Hedoesn’tspeakbutjuststandsthere,silentlywatchingme.Secondsgobythatfeellikeyearsbeforeasmirkunfoldsonhisfulllips.
“Youdeserveit,”hereplies.
“Why?”
“Youknowwhy.”Heturnshisbackonmeandwalksbacktowardthemausoleums.
“Wait!”
Arescomestoaclearingandsitsonasmallheadstone,puttinghisumbrellaaside.Istandtherewatchinghimlikeanidiot,unsureofwhattodowithmyself.Hetakesalighterandaboxofcigarettesoutofhispocketandstartssmoking.Hiseyesareonthecemeterysprawlingaroundus,butheseemsabsorbedinhisthoughts,smokecurlingoutfromhismouth.
IknowhehasthishabitsoI’mnotsurprised,butit’salongwalkjusttositthereandsmoke.Althoughitmakessense.Hisparentswouldn’tapproveoftheirstar-athletesonpuffingawayoncancersticks.
“Areyougoingtostandthereallnight?”
Howcansomeonesoyounghavesuchacoldvoice?Itakeaseatonaheadstoneinfrontofhim,keepingmydistance.MymouthdriesandIcanfeelmyheartinmythroat.Iwasn’treadytointeractwithhim.Helooksatmeasheexhalesthesmokefromhiscigaretteagain,andIswallowhard.Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing,butthere’snowayI’mgoingbackdownthatdarkpathbymyself.
“I’mjustwaitingforyousoIdon’thavetogobackalone,”Iexplain.Thelightsfromthesmallorangelampsinthecemeteryilluminatehim.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Raquel?”Hearinghimsaymynamecausesastrangeoscillatingsensationinmystomach.
“Icametovisitarelative.”
Liar,liar.
Aresraisesaneyebrow.“Ohyeah?Who?”
“My…He’sadistantrelative.”
Arestosseshiscigaretteonthegroundandstepsonittoputitout.“Ofcourse,andyoudecidedtocometovisitthisrelativealone?Atnight?Andintherain?”
“Yes,Ididn’trealizeitwasalreadysolate.”
Aresleansforward,placinghiselbowsonhisknees,staringatme.“Liar.”
“Excuseme?”
“Webothknowyou’relying.”
Ifiddlewithmyhandsonmylap.“Ofcoursenot.”
HestandsupandIfeelhelplesssitting,soIstanduptoo.We’refinallyfacingeachother,andmybreathingbecomesrapidandinconsistent.
“Whyareyoufollowingme?”
Iwetmylips.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
Aresapproachesme,andIbackawayuntilmybackhitsamausoleumbehindme.Hepresseshishandagainstthewallnexttomyhead,makingmejumpalittle.“Idon’thavetimeforyourstupidgames.Answerme.”
Mybreathingisamess.“Ireallydon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,Ijustcametovisitmy…someonewho…”
“Liar.”
Heistoocloseformypoorheart’shealth.“It’safreetown;IcanwalkwhereverIwant.”
Arestakesmychininhishandandforcesmetoliftmyheadandlookupathim.Histouchfeelswarmonmycoldskin,andIstopbreathing.Hiswethairstickstohisbeautiful,pale,perfectface,andhislipsglisten.I’veonlyeverseenhimfromafar.Havinghimthiscloseistoomuchforme.
“YouthinkIdon’tknowaboutyourlittlechildishobsessionwithme?”heasks.
Embarrassmentsetsmycheeksonfire,andItrytolowermyeyes,buthegentlyholdsmychininplace.
“Letmego,”Idemand,removinghishand.However,hestaysinfrontofme,notbackingaway,andtheintensityofhispresencedisarmsme.
“You’renotgoinganywhereuntilyouanswerme,”hesays,soundingdetermined.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”Irepeat,tryingtoignoretheheatthatemanatesfromhisbodyandwarmsmineevenmore.
“Let’srefreshyourmemory,shallwe?”heasks.Idon’tlikewherehe’sgoingwiththisatall.
“You’vebeenwatchingmeforalongtime,Raquel.”
Iswallow.
“YourdesktopbackgroundisapictureofmethatyoustolefrommyFacebook,andyourWi-Fipasswordincludesmyname.”
Hiswordsmakemystomachbottomout.IknewtherewasapossibilitythatAresknewaboutmycrush.Afterall,he’dhackedmycomputer.Butheknowseverything.TosayIfeelmortifiedisanunderstatement.Thisisanotherlevelofshame.
Helookssovictorious,asifhe’sincompletecontrolofthesituation.There’smockeryandsuperiorityinhisexpression.Heenjoyscorneringandhumiliatingmelikethis.He’swaitingformetodenyit,toputmyheaddown,andlethimlaughatmyembarrassment.
Andthatthoughtsnapsmeoutofmyself-consciousstate.AdefiantsideofmesurfaceswhenIfeelcornered;it’slikeadefensemechanism.MomsaysIgotitfrommyfather.Nowitcomesoutandthisbecomesachallenge,almostagame,andIwillnotlose.Iwon’tgiveAresthesatisfaction.I’mtiredofhidingbehindjokesandsarcasticcomments.Ifeeltheneedtoprovetothishandsomeguythathe’swrongaboutme,thateverythinghethinksheknowsispurelies,andthatI’mnoteasilyintimidated.I’vehadenoughwithhidingintheshadows.I’vehadenoughwithnottellinganyonewhatIthinkandfeelforfearofbeingrejectedandcastaside.So,Iraisemygazeandlookdirectlyintothoseinfiniteblueeyes.
“Yes,Ihaveacrushonyou.”
Iunderestimatedhowstartledhewouldbe.Hiscockinessdisappears,replacedbypureconfusion.Hetakesastepback,lookingstunned.
Igivehimahalf-sidedsmile,crossingmyarmsovermychest.“Whyareyousosurprised,prettyboy?”
Hedoesn’tsayanything.Ladiesandgentlemen,I,RaquelMendoza,haveleftmylifelongcrushspeechless.
Aresrecovers,runninghishandalonghisjawasiftakingeverythingin.“Iwasn’texpectingthat,Imustadmit.”
“Iknow.”Ican’tgetridofthestupidgrincausedbythefeelingofbeingincontrolofthesituation.
“AndmayIknowwhyyouhaveacrushonme?”heasks,tiltinghisheadtotheside.
“Isn’tthatobvious?”Isay,amused.“BecauseIlikeyou.”
Ares’seyesthreatentopopoutofhisface.“Sincewhenareyouso…forward?”
Sinceyoucorneredmeandhadeveryintentionofembarrassingme,Ithink,runningmyhandthroughmydamphair.“Sincealways.”
Areschucklesunderhisbreath.“Ithoughtyouwerejustanotherquiet,introvertedgirlplayinginnocent,but,apparently,I’mwrong.You’reabitinteresting.”
“Abit?”Isnort.“I’mthemostinterestinggirlyou’veevermetinyourlife.”
“And,fromwhatIcansee,youalsohavedecentself-esteem.”
“That’sright.”
Aresapproachesmeagain,butthistimeIdon’tstepback.“Andwhatdoesthisinterestinggirlwantfromme?”
“Can’tyoufigureitout?IthoughtyouhadthehighestIQinthecounty.”
Areslaughsopenly,thesoundechoingaroundthesurroundingmausoleums.“It’samazinghowmuchyouknowaboutme,andyes,ofcourseIcanfigureitout.Ijustwantyoutosayit.”
“IthinkI’vetalkedenough.It’syourturntoguesswhatIwant.”
Aresleansinuntilourfacesaremerelyinchesapart.Havinghimsoclosestillaffectsme,andIswallowthickly.“Doyouwanttoseemyroom?”
Thesuggestioninhisvoicedoesn’tgounnoticed,soIpushhimawayandshakemyhead.“No,thankyou.”
Aresfrowns.“Whatdoyouwantthen?”
“Somethingverysimple,”Itellhimcasually.“Iwantyoutofallinlovewithme.”
Forthesecondtimeintheevening,Areslaughs.Idon’tknowwhathefindssofunnybecauseI’mnotjoking,butI’mnotcomplainingbecausethesoundofhislaughteriswonderful.Whenhestopslaughing,hegivesmeabemusedlook.
“You’recrazy.WhywouldIfallinlovewithyou?You’renotevenmytype.”
“We’llseeaboutthat.”Iwinkathim.“AndmaybeI’mcrazy,butmydeterminationisimpressive.”
“Icanseethat.”Heturnsaroundandgoesbacktotheheadstonewherehewassittingbefore.
Tryingtodefusethetensionbetweenus,Ispeak.“Whydidyoucomehere?”
“It’squiet,andpeopleusuallydon’tcomehere.”
“Doyoulikebeingalone?”
Aresshootsmealook,puttinganothercigarettebetweenthoseredlipsI’dliketotaste.“Ido.”
IrealizehowlimitedmyknowledgeaboutAresreallyis,despitehavinghadacrushonhimforsolong.
“Whyareyoustillhere?”Hisquestionhurtsmealittle.Doeshewantmetoleave?
“I’mafraidtogobackalone,Itoldyou.”
Aresreleasesthesmokeinhismouthandtouchesaspacenexttohimbeforespeaking.
“Come,sitnexttome.Don’tbeafraidofme.AccordingtothisbizarresituationIshouldbethescaredone,littlestalker.”
Iswallow,butIobeylikeapuppet.Isitnexttohim,andhecontinuestosmoke.Weremainsilentforawhileandmythoughtswander.Ican’tbelieveIsaidallthosethingstohim.Ishiveralittle.Eventhoughit’sdark,Icanseeclearly.Themoonhasalreadymadeitswayoutfromtheblackclouds,illuminatingthecemetery.It’snotthemostromanticviewintheworld,butbeingnexttoAresmakesittolerable.
Iglanceathisprofile,andhiseyesareonthehorizon.God,he’ssohandsome.Asifsensingmygaze,Aresturnstome.
“What?”
“Nothing.”Ilookaway.
“Youliketoread.”
“Yes.Howdoyouknow?”
“Yourcomputerhadalotofinformation.It’slikeanelectronicdiary.”
“Youstillhaven’tapologizedforhackingmycomputer.”
“Iwon’t.”
“Youviolatedfederallawbydoingthat,youknowthat,don’tyou?”
“Andyouviolated,like,threebystalkingme,youknowthat,too,don’tyou?”
“Goodpoint.”
Myphonerings,andIansweritquickly.It’sDani.
“Whyaren’tyouansweringyourphone?”shedemands.“Thisis,like,mythirdattempt.Yourmothercouldn’treachyou,soshejustcalledmeandaskedwhattimeyou’llgethome.Shethinksyou’restillwithme.”
“TellherI’monmyway.”
“Wherethehellareyou?Iknowsoccerpracticeendedalongtimeago.”
“I’m…”IglanceatAres,andhegivesmeamischievoussmile.“Atthebakery,I’mcravingadonut.”Anextremelyattractivedonut.
“Adonut?Butyouhatethem!”
Ibitemylip.“JusttellmymomI’monmyway.”Ihangupbeforeshecanaskmeanotherquestion.
Areskeepsthatsmileonhislips,andIcan’thelpbutwonderwhatitwouldfeelliketokisshim.“Youjustlied.AmIyourdarksecret?”
“No,it’sjustthatexplainingoverthephonewouldhavebeencomplicated.”BeforeheasksmorequestionsaboutwhyIdidn’ttellDanithetruth,Icontinue.“Couldyou…walkwithme?Atleastasfarasthestreet,fromthereIcangoonalone.”
“Yes,butthatcomesataprice.”Hegetsup.
“Aprice?”
“Yes.”Hetakeshisumbrellaandpointsitatme,forcingmetostepbacktokeepthetipofitfromtouchingmychest.“LetmekissyouwhereverIwant.”
Mycheeksburn.“That’s…that’sahighprice,don’tyouthink?”
“Areyouafraid?Orwasbeingstraightforwardandbravejustanact?”
Inarrowmyeyes.“No,itjustseemslikeanexcessivelyhighpricetome.”
Heshrugs.“Thenenjoyyourwalkinthedarkalone.”
Heturnstositdownagain,butIcanseehimlookatmeoutofthecornerofhiseye.Iknowit’stomakesureIdon’tleavealone,evenifIdon’tgivehimthekiss,butwhoamIkidding?Iwantthatkisstoo;everypartofmeisonfirejustimaginingit.
“Wait,”Isay,keepingtruetomynewextrovertedattitude.“Okay.”
Aresturnstomeagain.“Really?”
“Yes!”Myheartisgoingtocollapseatanymoment.“C-canwegonow?”
Aresdrawsinhisbottomlipseductively.“Ineedmyincentivetostartwalking.”
“IsaidIwouldpaytheprice.”
Hisfaceisonlyinchesawayfrommine.“DoIhaveyourword?”
“Yes.”
“Let’sseeifthat’strue.”
“What?”Agaspescapesmylipsasheleansdownandburieshisfaceintomyneck,hishairbrushingmycheek.“Ares,whatareyou…?”Myvoicefailsme,everythingfailsme.
Hishotbreathcaressesmyskin,awakeningmysensesand,instinctively,Imoveclosertohim.
“Raquel,”hesaysmynameinmyear,sendingdeliciousshiversallovermybody.
Ican’tbelievethisishappening.IhaveArespressedagainstme,hiswarmbreathonmyneck,andhishandonmywaist.AmIdreaming?
“You’renotdreaming.”
Ohshit!Isaiditoutloud.
Ifeelflustered;however,themomentAres’slipsmeettheskinofmyneck,Iforgeteverything.Heleaveswetkissesalongmyskin,upuntilhereachesmyearlobe,whichhelightlysucks.Mylegsgetweak,andifitweren’tforAresholdingmefirmlyinplace,Iwouldbeonthegroundbynow.Whatishedoingtome?
WhileIstandtheretrembling,littlespasmsofpleasurecrossmybodyandmakemybreathhitch.Apressurebloomsinmylowerbelly,andIcan’tbelievehowmuchhavoche’scausingjustbykissingmyneck.Hisbreathingquickens,andIrealizeI’mnottheonlyoneaffectedbythis.Whenhefinisheshisattackonmyneck,heproceedstokissthesideofmyface,movingacrossmycheek,untilhepresseshislipstothecornerofmine.Iopenmymouthinanticipation,waitingforcontact,waitingforhiskiss,butitnevercomes.
Aresbreaksawayandgivesmeasmirk.“Let’sgo.”
Igasp.Areyougoingtoleavemelikethis?Iwanttoaskhim,butIstopmyselfbeforetheplealeavesmylips.Arespicksuphisumbrellaandstartswalking,apparentlyunaffectedbywhatjusthappened.Regainingcontrolofmybody,Ireluctantlyfollowhim.
Iknowtonightwasjustthebeginningofsomething.Idon’tknowifIcanhandleit,butI’mgoingtoatleasttry.FIVETheBestFriend
Thewalkbackisn’tasuncomfortableasIexpected,butI’mnervousandmyhandsareshaking.Partofmestillcan’tbelieveI’mwalkingnexttoAres.IstayastepbehindhimsoIdon’thavetobeoppositethatcutefaceofhis.However,mycuriouseyestraveldownhisdefinedarmsandlegs.Playingsoccersuitshim.Hehasanathleticbodythatmakeshimlookstrong.Icontinuetogawkathimuntilhecatchesme,andIlookaway.
Aresglancesoverhisshoulderatmewithamischievous,knowinggrinthattakesmybreathaway.Whydoeshehavetobesofuckingattractive?
Grumbling,Ifocusonthestreettoonesideofus.Aresplaysonhisphonetherestoftheway.Aswereachmyfrontdoor,theatmospheregetsalittleawkward.Hestopsnexttomeandrunshishandthroughhishair.“You’vearrivedatyourcave,Witch.”
“Stopcallingmethat.”
“Combyourhairmoreoften,andIwill.”
Lowblow.
Iimmediatelyrunmyfingersthroughmytangledhair,tryingtounknotit.“It’stheweather’sfault.”
Aresjustsmiles.“Whateveryousay.”Hepauses.“Witch.”
“Veryfunny.”
Arescheckshisphone,asifcheckingthetime.“Getinbeforeyourmomcomesoutanddragsyouin.”
“Mymomwouldn’tdothat,sheknowswhatkindofdaughtersheraised,”Isayarrogantly.“Shetrustsme.”
Andasifhearingme,mymother’svoicecallsfrominsidethehouse.“Raquel?Isthatyou?”
“Shit!”Ipanic.“Oh…thatwasfun,goodnight,bye.”Iturnaroundtowalktothedoor.
“Didn’tyoujustsaythatyourmotherknowswhosheraised?”
“Raquel?”mymothercallsagain.
Iturntohimagain.
“Shhhh!”Igesturewithbothhandsforhimtoleave.“Goaway!Shoo!”
Areslaughsshowingthoseperfectteeth.Hehasabeautifulsmile,Icouldstareathimallnight,butmymotherisabouttocomeoutandmakeafuss.Aresgivesmethe“Okay”signwithhisfingers.
“Allright,I’moff,StalkerWitch.”
“Wow,aspecialnicknamenow?”Sarcasmdripsfrommytone.
Heshrugs.“I’mverycreative,Iknow.”
“SoamI,GreekGod.”Assoonasmyso-callednicknameforhimleavesmylips,Iregretit.GreekGod?Areyouserious,Raquel?
“Ilikethatnickname.”
Ofcourse,youlikeit,arrogant—
“Raquel!”Mymom’svoiceisloudernow.
Iturnmybacktohimagainandthistimehesaysnothing.IhearhisfootstepsfadingfurtherintothedistanceasIopenmyfrontdoor.Iwalkinandputmybackagainstthedoorasastupidgrincomesovermyface.IhadagoodtimewithAres.Istillcan’tbelieveit.
“RaquelMargaritaMendozaálvarez!”
Youknowyou’reintroublewhenyourmomusesyourfullname.
“Hi,mybeautifulmom,”IsaywiththecutestlookIcanconjureup.
Mymother,RosaMariaálvarez,isahard-working,dedicatedwoman.She’sarespectednurseatthelocalhospital.She’sthebestpersonIknow,butasamothershecanbestrict.Althoughshedoesn’tspendmuchtimeathomebecauseofherjob,whensheisathome,shelikestotakecontrolandmaintainorder.
“Don’tmomme,”shewarns,holdingupherpointerfinger.“It’steno’clockatnight,canyoutellmewhereyouwere?”
“IthoughtweagreedthatIcouldarriveateleveno’clockatthelatestduringthesummer.”
“Onlyonweekends,”sheremindsme.“Aslongasyouletmeknowwhereyouare,andwhoyou’rewith.”
“Istoppedbythebakery,andIwaseatingadonutand—”
“Thebakeryclosesatnineo’clock.”
Iclearmythroat.“Youdidn’tletmefinish.Istayedoutsidethebakeryeatingthedonut.”
“Doyouexpectmetobelievethat?”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips.“That’swhathappened,Mom.Youknowme,whatelsecouldIbedoing?”
Lettingaboykissmyneckinthecemetery.
Mymomnarrowshereyes.“Youbetternotbelyingtome,Raquel.”
“Iwouldneverdare,mysweetmother.”Igiveherahugandkissthesideofherface.
“Yourdinnerisinthemicrowave.”
“Youarethebest.”
“Andgoupstairsandgivethatdogofyourssomelove,he’sdonenothingbutcrawlaroundthehousedepressed.”
“Aww!Hemissesme!”
“Orhe’shungry.”
Bothareverypossible.
Afterdevouringmyfood,Igouptomyroom,andRockycomesrunningouttogreetme.Healmostknocksmedown.He’sgettingbiggereveryday.
“Hello,beautiful,cutie,fluffydoggy.”Irubhisheadgently.“Who’sthecutestdoggyintheworld?”Rockylicksmyhand.“That’sright,youare.”
Myphonechirpsinmyjacketpocketand,closingmybedroomdoorwithmyfoot,Icheckthemessage.It’sfromJoshua,myotherbestfriend.Ihaven’tseenhimindaysbecauseI’vebeenspendingsomuchtimewithDani.
JoshuaBFF:Areyouawake?
Me:Yes,what’sup?
Asecondlater,myphonelightsupwithacallfromhim.
“Hi,Rochi,”hesaysassoonasIanswer.HehasalwaysaffectionatelycalledmeRochi.
“Hi,Yoshi.”AndI,ofcourse,callhimafterthedinosaurfromMarioKart.HeremindsmeofJoshua,andhe’scute.They’renotthemostmaturenicknamesintheworld,butinmydefense,wepickedthemwhenwewerechildren.
“Firstofall,thecrazygirlisnotwithyou,right?”
“No,Danimustbeathome.”
“Finally.You’vecompletelyabandonedmeforher.I’malreadyforgettingyourface.”
“It’sbeenfourdays,Yoshi.”
“That’salongtime.Anyway,howabouttomorrowwebinge-watchTheWalkingDead?”
“Onlyifyousweartomethatyouhaven’tseenthenewepisodeswithoutme.”
“Youhavemyword.”
Iwalkaroundmyroomdistractedly.“It’sadealthen.”
“Yourplaceormine?”
Ilookatthecalendaronthewall.“Mine.Momhasadoubleshifttomorrow,andmyTVisbigger.”
“Allright.Seeyoutomorrow,Rochi.”
“Seeyoutomorrow.”
IsmileatthephoneasIhangupandrememberthetimeswhenIthoughtIhadacrushonJoshua.He’stheonlyguyI’veinteractedwithandsharedsomuchwith.ButIwouldneverdareputourfriendshipatriskwhenIwasn’tsurehowIfelt.JoshuaisnothinglikeAres.He’sshyandcuteinhisownway.Hewearsglassesandahatthatheneverwantstotakeoff.
Unconsciously,Iwalkovertothewindow.WillAresbeoutthereonthepatiostealingmyWi-Fi?Myheartskipsabeatjustimagininghimsittingtherewithhislaptopandthatstupid,arrogantsmilethatlookssogoodonhim.ButwhenIopenmycurtains,allIseeistheemptychairwithafewdropsofwateronitfromtherainthispastevening.
IlookatAres’shouseandathiswindow.Thelightison,butIdon’tseehim.Isighindisappointment.I’mabouttogiveupwhenheappearsinmyfieldofvisionandgrabsthehemofhisshirttotakeitoffoverhishead.Iblushinstantlyatthesightofhisnakedtorso.
Thatflat,definedabdomen…
Thosestrongarms…
Thosetattoos…
ThatVinhislowerabdomen…
It’shotinheresuddenly.
Idropmygaze,cheekscoloring,butIcan’thelpbuttakeonelastlookathim.Tomysurprise,Aresisstandinginfrontofthewindow,lookingdirectlyatme.
Shit!
Idroptothegroundandcrawlawayfromthewindow.Rockytiltshisheadtothesideinconfusion.
“Don’tjudgeme,”Itellhimseriously.
Myphoneringsagain,scaringme.IpraytoGodit’snotAresmakingfunofwhatjusthappened.Iopenthemessagenervously.
Ares<3:Doyoulikewhatyousee?
Me:Nah,Iwasjustlookingatthemoon.
Ares<3:Thereisnomoon.It’scloudy.
Me:IjustwantedtomakesureIdidn’thaveneighborsstealingmyWi-Fi.
Ares<3:Yoursignaldoesn’treachhere.
Me:Justmakingsure.
AlongtimegoesbyandIdon’tthinkhe’llsayanymore,soItakeashowerandputonmypajamas.Icomeoutofthebathroom,dryingmyhairwithmytowel,andIseeanewmessageonmyphone.
Ares<3:Whydon’tyoucomeoverhereandmakesureinperson?
Themessageisfromfiveminutesagoandtakesmebysurprise.Hewantsmetocometohishouse?Atthishour?Ishe…Isheinvitingmeto…
Thetowelfallsoutofmyhands.
No.
I’mavirgin,butI’mnotstupid,Iknowhowtoreadbetweenthelines.
Igetanothermessagethatmakesmejump.
Ares<3:It’sfuntoscareyou.Goodnight,StalkerWitch.
Wasitajoke?
Idon’tthinkso.AresHidalgojustinvitedmetohisroomtodowhoknowswhatinasubtleway,buthestilldidit.AndwhatconfusesmethemostisthefactthatIhesitatedinsteadofrunningoverthere.Apparently,I’malltalkandnoaction,asDaniwouldsay.
Silly,silly,Raquel.SIXTheAdvice
“Hecan’tdie!”IscreamattheTVscreen.“ThisiswhatIhateaboutTheWalkingDead!Thatfearthatoneofmyfavoritecharacterscoulddieatanymoment.”
YoshieatsDoritosnexttome.“Theepisodeisabouttoend,andwewon’tknowwhodies.”
IsnatchthebagofDoritosoutofhishands.“Shutup.Ifthathappens,IswearI’llneverwatchthisshowagain.”
Yoshirollshiseyesandadjustshisglasses.“You’vebeensayingthatsincethefirstseason.”
“I’mweak,okay?”
We’rebothsittingonthefloor,ourbacksagainstthebedbehindus.It’swarm,soI’mwearingshortsandawhitetanktopwithoutabra.I’mcomfortablearoundYoshiandIknowhe’scomfortablearoundmetoo.Rockyissleepingpeacefullybythewindow.
Myroomisadecentsize,withaqueen-sizebedandpostersofmyfavoriteinspirationalquotesalloverthepurplewalls.IhaveafewsmallChristmaslightsattachedtothetopofthewallsthatlookbeautifulatnight.InfrontofthebedistheTV,ononesideofitisthewindow,andthedoortomybathroomisontheotherside.
WearecompletelyfocusedontheTVwhentheepisodeendsandthecreditsroll.
“Ihateyou,producersandscreenwritersofTheWalkingDead!Ihateyou!”
“Itoldyou,”Yoshitauntslikeasmart-ass.Ismackthebackofhishead.“Ow!Don’ttakeitoutonme.”
“Howcantheydothistous?Howcanitendlikethis?Who’sgoingtodie?”
Yoshirubsmybacksoothingly.“It’sokay,it’sover.”HehandsmeaglassofcoldPepsi.“Here,drink.”
“I’mgoingtodie.”
“Relax,it’sjustaTVseries.”
Totallydepressed,IturnofftheTVandsitdowninfrontofYoshi.Helooksrestless,andIknowit’snotbecauseoftheseries.HislittlehoneyeyeshaveasparkinthemthatIhaven’tseenbefore.Hegivesmeanervoussmile.
“Issomethingwrong?”Iask.
“Yes.”
Theatmospherefeelsheavyforsomestrangereason.Idon’tknowwhathehastotellme,butitmakesmeuneasytoseehimhesitatesomuch.What’swrong?
Yoshilickshislowerlipbeforespeaking.Heremoveshishat,freeinghismessyhair.“Ineedyouradviceonsomething.”
“I’mlistening.”
“Whatwouldyoudoifyoulikedoneofyourfriends?”
“YoumakeitsoundlikeIhavesomanyfriends.”Ismile,butYoshidoesn’t.Hisexpressionbecomesevenmorestrained.
“I’mserious,Raquel.”
“Okay,okay,excuseme,Mr.Seriousness.”Iholdmychinasifindeepthought.“Iwouldtellthem.”
“Wouldn’tyoubeafraidoflosingthefriendship?”
Andthenmylittlebrainclicks,andIrealizewhatYoshiistellingme.Isthat…thatfriendhelikes—me?Yoshidoesn’treallyhaveanyotherfemalefriends,justmeandafewacquaintances.Myheartrisesinmythroatasmysweet,lifelongbestfriendwatchesmeintently,waitingformyadvice.
“Areyousureaboutwhatyoufeel?”Iask,playingwithmyfingers.
“Yes,I’mverysure,Ilikeheralot.”
Mythroatgetsdry.“Whendidyourealizeyoulikedher?”
“IthinkI’vealwaysknownit.I’vebeenacoward,butIcan’thideitanymore,”hesays.
Helooksdownandsighs,andwhenhelooksatmeagain,hiseyeshaveaglintinthem,sofullofemotions.“I’mdyingtokissher.”
“Ohyeah?”
Yoshimovesalittlecloser.“Yes,herlipsarepuretemptation;it’sdrivingmecrazy.”
“Shemusthaveverynicelipsthen.”
“ThemostbeautifulI’veeverseeninmylife,theyhavemespellbound.”
Spellbound…
Spell…
Witch…
Ares…
No!No!Don’tthinkaboutAres!Notnow!
Inevitably,thosesea-blueeyescometomymind,thatcockysmile,thosesoftlipssucklingmyneck.
Ohno!Ihateyou,brain!
Mybestfriendsincechildhoodisabouttoconfesshislovetome,andI’mthinkingaboutmyarrogant,Greekgodlikeidiotneighbor.
“Raquel?”
Yoshi’svoicebringsmebacktoreality.Helooksdisconcerted,andit’snosurprise.Ichosetheworstmomenttodisconnectmentally.Butitalsohelpedtoclearmymindabit.SeeingYoshisovulnerableinfrontofmemademerealizethatIcan’thandleaconfession.Notnow.
“Ineedtousethebathroom.”Irushoutoftheroombeforehecansayanything.
Iwalkintothebathroomandleanagainstthedoor.Ishakemyhairoutinfrustration.I’mafuckingcowardandstupidtoo.Ididn’tevenbringmyphoneintothebathroomtoaskDaniforsupport.Whogoesintothebathroomwithouttheirphonethesedays?Noone,justme.Igruntandmassagemyface,thinking.
“Raquel?”IhearYoshi’scallontheothersideofthedoor.“Ihavetogo.I’lltalktoyoulater.”
“No!”IopenthedoorasfastasIcan,butIonlycatchaglimpseofhisbackdisappearingoutthedoorofmyroom.Throwingmyselfonmybed,Iletmyselfbeconsumedbylaziness.Idon’twanttothinkanymore;Ijustwanttorestmymind.Iclosemyeyesandquicklyfallintodreamland.
Rocky’sbarkingwakesmeupabruptly.Thebarksarecontinuousandloud—whatIcallhis“seriousbarks”—andheonlygetsthisworkedupwhenthereissomeonehedoesn’tknowinthehouse.IgetoutofbedsofastthatIgetdizzyandcrashagainstthesideofthewall.“Ow!”
Rockyisbarkinginthedirectionofthewindow,asifsensingsomethingoutthere.It’salreadydarkoutside,andthenightbreezemovesmycurtainsgently.There’snothingatthewindow,soIcalmdown.
“Rocky,there’snothingthere.”
Buthejustkeepsbarking.Maybethere’sacatoutside,andhisdogsensesaretingling?Rockydoesn’tstop,soIwalktothewindowtosoothehim.WhenIpeekout,IyellsoloudlythatRockyjumpsupbesideme.
Ares.
Onaladder.
Climbinguptomywindow.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”IstheonlythingthatcomesoutofmylipsasIseehimstandingthereinthemiddleofawoodenladder.HelooksascuteaseverinhisjeansandpurpleT-shirt,butthecrazinessofthissituationkeepsmefromdrooling.
“It’scalledclimbing,youshouldtryit.”
“I’mnotinthemoodforyoursarcasm,”Isay.
“Ineedtorebootyourrouter.Thesignalisdown,andit’stheonlywaytorecoverit.”
“Andyoudecidedtosneakintomyroomwithoutpermission,climbingintomywindowlikethat?Doyouknowwhatpeoplewhodothatarecalled?Burglars.”
“Itriedtoreachyou,butyoudidn’tanswerthephone.”
“Thatdoesn’tgiveyoutherighttocomeintomyroomlikethis.”
“Canyoucutthedrama?Ijustneedtocomeinforasecond.”
“Drama?Drama?I’llteachyoudrama.”IgrabbothendsoftheladderstucktomywindowandshakethemashardasIcan.
Aresholdsontotherungstightlyandgivesmeadeathstare.“Dothatagain,Raquel,andyou’llseewhathappens.”
“I’mnotafraidofyou.”
“Thendoit.”
“Don’tchallengeme,”Iwarn.
“Really?Areyougoingtodropme?”
“It’snotworthit.”
IwatchasAresfinishesclimbing,andhe’slevelwithme,hisfaceinchesawayfrommine.Rockygoescrazy,barkingassoonasheseestheintruder,butI’mtoobusygawkingtocallhimoff.
“Couldyoucontrolthatfleabag?”
“Rockyhasn’thadfleasthismonth,showmorerespect.”
“Idon’thaveallnight.”
Isighinfrustration.“Rocky,sitdown.”Mydogobeysme.“Quiet.”
IstepbacktoletAresintomyroom.Onceinside,hisheightmakesmyroomfeelsmall.Hiseyeslookmeupanddownfromheadtotoe,lingeringonmybreasts,andthat’swhenIrememberIdon’thaveabraon.
“Ineedtogotothebathroom,”Isayquickly.
Forthesecondtimetonight,Itrytousethebathroomasanescapestrategy,butIforgetonesmalldetail.AresisnotYoshi.Areswon’tletmefleesoeasily.Hishandgrabsmyarm,preventingmefrommoving.
“There’snowayyou’releavingmealonewiththatdog.”
“Rockywon’tdoanythingtoyou.”
“I’mnottakinganychances.”Heholdsmebymyshoulders,forcingmetowalktomycomputer.HepushesmeuntilIsitinthechairandthenkneelsdowntorestartmyrouter.
“Whydoyoufeelliketheownerofmyinternetconnection?”Iask,buthejustshrugs.“Icouldreportyouforenteringmyhouselikethis,youknowthat,don’tyou?”
“Iknow.ButIalsoknowyouwon’tdoit.”
“Howcanyoubesosure?”
“Stalkersdonotusuallyreportthosetheystalk.It’susuallytheotherwayaround.”
“This.”Ipointtothewindow,andthentohim.“Wouldalsobeconsideredstalking.”
“It’snotthesamething.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseyoulikeme.”Hepauses.“ButIdon’tlikeyou.”
Ouch!Rightinmyheart!
Iwanttoarguewithhim,buthiswordsarelikealcoholinafreshwound.Hekeepsworkingontherouter,andIstayquiet.
Becauseyoulikeme,butIdon’tlikeyou.
Hesaiditsocasually,sohonestly.Ifhedoesn’tfeelanything,thenwhydidhekissmyneckthatdayinthecemetery?
Ignorehiswords,Raquel,don’tlethimgettoyou.
Areslooksupatme.“What?DidIhurtyourfeelings?”
“Please!Ofcoursenot,”Ilie.“JusthurryupwiththatsoIcangetbacktosleep.”
Hedoesn’tsayanything,andIwatchhimwork.Havinghimthisclosestillfeelssounreal.Icanseeeverydetailofhisface.Hissmoothskiniswithoutevenatraceofacne.Lifeissounfairsometimes.Areshasitall:health,money,skills,intelligence,andbeauty.
“Done.”Heshakesthedustoffhishandswithadisgustedlookonhisface.“Youshouldcleanyourroomonceinawhile.”
Iletoutasarcasticlaugh.“Oh,excuseme,YourRoyalHighness,forforcingyoutostepintomyunworthyroom.”
“Cleanlinesshasnothingtodowithmoney,lazy.”
“Don’tplaythatcard!Idon’thavetimetoclean.Betweenmysummerjob,sleeping,eating,stalkingyou—”Icovermymouthasthewordsslipout.
WhydidIsaythat?
Aressmilesfromeartoear,asharpglintofderisioninhiseyes.“Stalkingmeistime-consuming,huh?”
“Nope,no,that’snotwhatImeant.”
Stillonhisknees,Arescrawlstowardme,andIshudderinmychair.HestaresatmeandhegetssoclosethatIhavetospreadmylegstolethimpass.Hisfaceisonlyinchesfrommine.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hedoesn’tanswer,hejustputshishandsonthearmsofthechair,oneithersideofmywaist.Icanfeeltheheatradiatingfromhisdefinedbody.Wearetooclose.Theintensityheemanatesdoesn’tallowmetobreatheproperly.Myeyesfalltohisfulllips,andthatpiercingIcanseesowellnow.
Hisgazemovesdownfrommyfacetomybreastsandmyexposedlegs,andthenbackuptomyface,amischievoussmilecrossingthoselusciouslips.Theairbecomesheavyandhotaroundus.
Arestakesmyhandsinhisandplacesthemontopofthearmsofthechair,movingthemoutofhisway.Hiseyesneverleavemineashelowershisheaduntilit’sbetweenmyknees.
“Ares,whatareyou…?”
Hislipstouchmykneewithasimplekiss,leavingmebreathless.“Doyouwantmetostop?”
Hiseyessearchmine,andIshakemyhead.“No.”
Thewaythemusclesinhisarmsandshoulderscontractasheleaveswetkissesonthetopsofmythighsissofuckingsexy.Histattoojustaddsfiretothisvolcanohe’sawakeninginsideme.Hissoftlipskiss,lick,andsuckatthesensitiveskinofmyinnerthighs.Mybodytrembles,andlittleshiversofpleasurerunthroughme,settingmysensesonfireandcloudingmymind.Hisblackhairticklesasitbrushesagainstmyexposedskin.
Areslooksupashebitesintomyskin,causingasmallmoantoescapemylips.Mybreathingiserratic,andmypoorheartisbeatinglikecrazy.Hecontinueshisonslaught,movingupanddownmythighs,hislipsattacking,devouring.Myhipsmoveontheirown,beggingformore,wantinghislipsinaplacealittlehigher.
Myeyesclosebythemselves.
“Ares,”Imoanhisname,andIcanfeelhislipsstretchintoasmileagainstmyskin,butIdon’tcare.
“Doyouwantme?”Hislipsbrushagainstthespotbetweenmylegs,rightoverthefabricofmyshortsandIfeellikeI’mgoingtodieofaheartattack.Icanonlynod.“Iwantyoutosayit,”hedemands.
“Iwantyou.”
Hestops,andIopenmyeyestofindhisfacesoclosetomyownthatIcanfeelhisheavybreathonmylips.Hiseyesarelockedonmine.
“You’regoingtobemine,Raquel.”
Andthen,justassuddenlyashecameintomyroom,heleaves.SEVENTheClub
“WelcometoDreamBurgers.Whatwouldyoulike?”IaskwiththeBluetoothdevicepressedtomyear.
“I’dliketwoBigDreamyburgersandacappuccino,”awoman’svoicesaysinresponse.
Iselecttheorderonthecomputerinfrontofme.“Anythingelse?”
“No,nothingelse.”
“Okay,yourorderwillbesevendollarsandtwenty-fivecents.Youcanpayatthewindow.Thankyou.”
Acarappearsnexttothedrive-thruwindow,andthewomanwhoorderedhandsmehercardtopay.Afterfinishingthetransaction,Ipolitelysaygood-byeandpraythatnomorecarsshowup,althoughit’struethatI’dratherservepeopleherethanfacethematthecounterinsidetherestaurant.IadjustmycapwiththeDBforDreamBurgersonitandsigh.I’mexhausted.There’sstillanhourbeforemyshiftisover,butI’mreadytojumpoutthewindow.Thesensoralertsmethatthere’sanewcarinthedrive-thru,andIcursetomyself.
Stopcominginforfood,people!
“WelcometoDreamBurgers.Whatwouldyoulike?”
Ihearahigh-pitchedgiggle,andthensomeoneclearingtheirthroat.“IwouldliketoorderaRaqueltogo.”
“Passtothenextwindow,ma’am,”Isay,grinninglikeafool.
Inamatterofseconds,Daniisidlingbymywindow.Herhairisperfectasalways,andshe’swearingcutesunglasses.
“Ican’tbelieveyou’respendingtherestofthesummerhere.”
“Ineedthejob,andyouknowit.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“I’vecometokidnapyou.”
“I’vegotanotherhourbeforeIcanleave.”
DanigrinslikeaCheshirecat.“Whatpartofkidnappingdon’tyouunderstand?Thepartwhereit’sinvoluntary?Youhavenorighttosayno.”
“Ican’tleave.”
“Yes,youcan,stubborn.”
I’mabouttoopenmymouthtoprotestwhenIfeelsomeonebehindme.IturntoseeGabriel,acoworkerwhowasn’tonthescheduletoday.HisreddishhairescapesfromhiscapashegapesatDani.
Myattentionreturnstomybestfriend.“What’sgoingon?”
“Gabrielwillcoveryourremaininghour.”
MyeyesflickbetweenGabrielandDani.“Whywouldhedothat?”
“Wedothingsforourfriends,”Danisayswithashrug.“Don’twe,Gabo?”
Helooksatherasifstunned.“Yes.”
“Great.”Dani’sgazefallsonmeagain.“Getyourthings,andI’llwaitforyouintheparkinglot.Wehavetogonow.”
“But…”Iprotestfeeblytonoavail.Afewminuteslater,IjumpintoDani’scar,clutchingmysmallbackpack.Ican’tbelieveit.Shebustedmeout
“I’msupercool.Iknow,”shesays.
“Gabriel?Really?Ithoughtredheadsweren’tyourtype.”
“EdSheeranchangedmymind.”
“Whatdidyoudo?”
“Ipromisedtoacceptaninvitationtogoout.”
“Youcan’tgothroughlifeusingyourlookstogetyourway.”
“OfcourseIcan.”
Isnort.“Wherearewegoing?”
“Insomnia,ofcourse.”
Myeyeswideninsurprise.Insomniaisthemostpopularclubintown,andDani’sfavoriteplacetogoonFridaynights.I’veneverbeentherebecauseyouhavetobetwenty-onetogetin.AndI’monlyeighteen,whichDaniseemstohavecompletelyforgotten.
“Idon’tknowifyouforgotbutI’meighteen.And,youdon’treallyexpectmetogosmellinglikeFrenchfriesandlookinglikethis,doyou?”
“One,I’meighteentoo.Two,you’llchangeatmyhouse.”
“Soyoucanlendmeoneofthosedresseswhereyoucanseerightdowntomysoul?I’llpass.”
Daniburstsoutlaughing.“Youaresodramatic.It’snotacrimetoshowyourknees,Raquel.”
“Foryourinformation,insomepartsoftheworlditis.”
“Wearenotinsomepartsoftheworld.”
“Green,”ItellherwhenIseethetrafficlightturngreen.Daniiseasilydistractedwhiledriving.
“Relax,weonlyhavetwoweeksofsummerleft,andyou’vedonenothingbutwork.”
“Fine,butIwon’tspendapenny.”
“That’snotaproblem.”
“Ofcourse,Iforgotyourabilitytogetwhatyouwant.”
Daniputshersunglassesontopofherheadandwinksatme.“Ohyes.Now.”Sheparksonehouseawayfromhers.“Timetogetbeautiful.”
Oncewegettoherhouse,Iwatchherwalkpastthefrontdoorandgotoherbedroomwindow.“Dani?”
“Oh,Iforgottotellyouthatmyparentsdon’tknowaboutmynightsout,sowehavetosneakinandout.”
Thisgirlisincredible.
Whatfeelslikeaneternitylaterbutwasactuallyonlyanhour,wearriveatInsomnia,andsomehowwe’reabletogetindespitebeingunderage.Danilentmeatight,blackdressthatfitsmybodyperfectly.Eventhoughshe’smorevoluptuousthanIam,thedressismoldedtomysilhouette,asifithadbeenminetobeginwith.Itdoesn’tgoallthewaytomyknees,landingaboutmidthigh,butIfeellikeIcanmovearoundandstillstaycovered.
ThefirstthingInoticeisthatnoteveryoneelsecangetin.Theadmissionlineisreallylong,andtherearealotofpeoplethatthedoormensendaway.NowthatI’minside,Iunderstandwhy.Thisisnotjustanyclub.It’schicandmodernandveryupscale.Therearecoloredlightsandmovingeffectsallaroundus.Thedanceflooriswideandfullofcouples.Theplaceisvibratingwithmusic—I’mvibratingwithit—andit’simpossibletohearanythingelse.Howarepeoplesupposedtocommunicateinplaceslikethis?AsifDanihearsmythoughts,shecomesclosertome.
“I’mgoingtogetussomethingtodrink!”sheshoutsinmyearandthendisappears.
Shakingmyhead,Itakemytimetoinspectmysurroundings.Therearelotsofpretty,well-dressedgirlshere.IwasexpectingsomethinglikethisbecauseDanidoesn’tgojustanywhere.Herfamilyhasmoney,sure,notinanexaggeratedwaylikeAres’sfamily,buttheylivewell.Soit’sonlynaturalthattheplacesDanifrequentsareclassyandimpressive.Therearesomeveryhandsomeguysheretoo.
However,they’renothinglikemyAres.
MyAres?
I’vealreadyappropriatedhimwithouthisconsent.
Scanningtheplace,Inoticethatthere’sasecondfloorwithtablesoverlookingthedancefloor,andit’satthatmomentthatmyeyesmeetthepairofdeepblueeyesthathauntmydaysandnights.
Ares
Myunrequitedloveissittingthere,lookingbeautifulasusual.He’swearingblackpants,blackshoes,andagrayshirtwiththesleevesrolleduptohiselbows.He’splayingwiththepiercinginhislip,andhisblackhairisinthatperfectmessystylethatonlylooksgoodonhim.Unconsciously,Imovetowardhim,likemetaltowardamagnet.Hiseyeshavemetrapped,andI’munderhisspell.It’snotuntilImeetthesecurityguardinfrontofthestaircasethatleadstomyprincecharmingthatIwakeupfrommytrance.
“ThisisaVIParea,Miss,”theguardsaystomefirmly.Aressmirksdownatmefromonhigh,allmightyandarrogant.
IlookawayfromAresandshakemyheadtoclearit.“Oh,I-I,he…Ithoughtwecouldallgoupthere.”
“No,accessreserved.”Theguardmakesagestureformetogoaway.
Ofcourse,theself-importantAresisintheVIParea,Ithink.He’stoospecialtomixwiththesweatandpheromonesofthecommonpeopledancingdownhere.
Reluctantly,IgobackthewayIcameandmeetDaniontheway.
“IthoughtIwouldn’tfindyou!”shescreamsinmyearandhandsmeafluorescentpinkdrink.
“Whatisthis?”
“It’scalledOrgasm!Youhavetotryit!”
AdrinkcalledOrgasm….
Evenadrinkhashadmoresexthanme.
Slowly,Iinspectthesmallglassfromallsides.Isniffitandthesmellissostrong.Mynosebecomesirritated,andIsneeze.Danidownshersinonegulp,leavingmestunned.SheencouragesmetodrinkandforsomereasonmyeyestraveltothatlittleVIParea.Aresraisesaglasswithwhatlookslikewhiskeyinit,asifmakingatoastwithmeandthentakesasip.
Areyouchallengingme,GreekGod?
Inonegulp,Idraintheglass,andthebittersweetliquidslidesdownmythroat,settingeverythinginitspathonfire.
Thisdefinitelydoesn’tfeellikeanorgasm!
WhenIcough,Danipatsmeontheback.Weheadtothebar,whereDanihandsmetwomoredrinks.Idumblythinkit’soneformeandoneforher,butno,they’rebothforme.Fivedrinkslater,Danitakesmetothedancefloor,andIhavetoomuchalcoholinmysystemtocare.
“Let’sdance!”sheencouragesaswemakeourwaythroughthemassofpeople.
Itfeelsgoodtobesospontaneousandnottofeelembarrassed.Oh,theadvantagesofalcohol.EverythingaroundmeiscolorfulandthemusicreverberatesthroughoutmybodyasIdanceanddanceanddance.Outofcuriosity,IglanceupatthestupidroyaltysittingintheVIPsection.He’sstaringatmelikeahawkwatchingfromtheheightsforitsprey.
Can’thestoplookingatme?Ordoeshelikewhathesees?
Don’tbedelusional,Raquel,heclearlytoldyouhedoesn’tlikeyou.
Thenwhyishelookingatme?
Ifeeltheurgetoshowofftohim.
I’llgiveyousomethingtolookat,GreekGod.
Ibegintodanceslowly,movingmyhipstotherhythmofthemusic.Runningmyhandsthroughmylonghairandthendownthesidesofmybreasts,mywaist,myhips,Ireachtheendofmydressandplaywiththehem,liftingitalittle.Evenfromthisdistance,IcanseeAres’seyesdarken,andhebringshisglasstohislips.Thoselipsthatlickedmyneckandthighs,leavingmewantingmore.Areshasteasedmetwice,andit’sabouttimehegetswhathedeserves.
I’llprovetohimthatIdon’tforgetanything,andthatevenaGreekgodcanhaveatasteofhisownmedicine.
SeductiveRaquelmode:activated.EIGHTTheCandleRoom
Withsomuchalcoholinmyveins,it’sveryhardtofocusonbeingsensual.
Ihavetotryanyway.IneedtogetrevengeonAres.He’splayedwithmetwicealready,andhecan’tgothroughlifeincitinginnocentsoulslikemineandleavingthemwanting.
Innocentsouls…
Ireallyamdrunk.Mystalkersoulisnotinnocent,notwiththethingsIdointhedarkofmyroomwhennooneseesme.IblushasIrememberallofthetimesthatI’vetouchedmyself,thinkingaboutAres.Inmydefense,AreswasthefirstmalepresenceIhadaccesstowhenIhitpuberty.It’shisfaultforbeinginmyfieldofvisionwhenmyhormoneswereraging.
Iturnmybacktohimtogivehimagoodviewofmybody.It’snotaspectacularbody,butIhaveagoodfigureandadecentass.Sweatrollsdownmyforehead,thesidesofmyface,andthenecklineofmydress.I’mimmediatelythirsty,andIfindmyselflickingmydrylipsmoreoften.
Idon’tknowhowmuchtimehaspassed,butwhenIturnagaintolookatAres,he’sgone.MyheartracesevenfasterasIlookaroundforhim.
Didhecomedownstairsandcomeafterme?WhatwasIsupposedtodointhatcase?
Ihaven’tworkedoutmyseductionplantothatextent.
Stupid,Raquel,alwaysgettingintogamesyoudon’tknowhowtoplay.
Butthisisn’tgoingtostophere.Determined,Iwalkbacktothestaircasewheretheguardis.
“VIParea,”hesays,givingmeatiredlook.
“Iknow,”Ianswerreluctantly,“butafriendofmineisupthere,andhetoldmetocomeup.”
“Doyouexpectmetobelievethat?”
“It’sthetruth.He’sgoingtobeangryifheknowsyouhavemewaitinghere.”Iliftmychinindefiance.
“Ifyourfriendwantsyouupthere,heshouldcomeandgetyou,don’tyouthink?That’sthewaytherulesare.”
“Justasecond,”Ibeghim,buthedoesn’tlisten.Itrytopassbyhimontheside,andhestopsme,grabbingmywrist.“Letmego.”
Istruggletogetfree,buthejusttightenshisgriponme.
“Shesaidtolethergo.”Asweetvoicefillsmyearsfrombehind,andIturntolookovermyshouldertoseeApoloHidalgostandingbehindmewithhisjawset.
“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness,”theguardsaysrudely.
Apolo’sexpressioniskindbutassertive.“Alawsuitforassaultisprettyserious;Idoubtyoucancomeoutofoneunscathed.”
Theguardsnortsinderision.“Ifyou’retryingtoscareme,you’rejustmakingafoolofyourself,brat.”
Doesn’theknowwhohe’stalkingto?Apolomaylooklikeachild,buthe’samemberofoneofthemostpowerfulfamiliesinthestate.
Apololetsoutalaugh.“Brat?”
Theguardmaintainshisstance,andItrytofreemyself,buthetightenshisgripagain.“Yes,brat.Whydon’tyougoawayandstopmeddlingwhereyou’renotwanted?”
“Apolo,it’sokay,”Isay,lookingovermyshoulder.“Itriedtogoupeventhoughhetoldmenotto.”Iturntowardtheguard.“Couldyouletmego?”
Theguard’sexpressionturnsguilty,andhefinallyreleasesme.“I’msorry.”
WewalkawayfromtheguardandApololiftsmyarmandinspectsit.It’sredbutnotbruised.
“Areyouallright?”heasks.
“Yes,thankyou.”
“Ifhehadn’tapologized,Iwouldhavefiredhim.”
“Firedhim?Youownthisbar?”
“No.”Apoloshakeshishead.“Itbelongstomybrother.”
Istareathimwithwideeyes.“ThisbelongstoAres?”
Apoloshakeshisheadagain.“Areswithabar?No,Momwoulddie.ItbelongstoArtemis.”
Oh,thebigbrother.
“Don’tworry.I’lltextArtemis.He’lldealwithitwhenhegetsherelater.”
Partofmefeelssadfortheguard,butthenIrememberhowrudehewas.Hedoesn’tsayanythingwhenwepassbyhimthistime.Ourlittleargumentsoberedmeupabit,butIstillhavealongwaytogobeforeI’mfullyalert.IrealizejusthowdrunkIamwhenit’sdifficultformetoclimbtheshortstaircasetotheVIParea.AlumprisesinmythroatattheprospectofmeetingAres.
It’sbeautifuluphere,withglasstablesandplusharmchairs.Waitersareservingthewealthygroupsspreadoutacrossthelounge.Atthefarend,Iseecrimsoncurtainsblockingwhatliesbeyond.
Apologuidesmetooneofthearmchairsinfrontofanemptytable.“Sitdown,whatwouldyouliketodrink?”
Isearchmybrain,tryingtorememberwhatIwasdrinkingwithDani,butshehasalreadygivenmesomanydifferentdrinksthatIdon’tevenremembermostofthem.Ionlyrememberonebyitspeculiarname:Orgasm.ButthereisnowayinthislifeorthenextthatIwilleversaythatwordtoApolo.
“Whatdoyourecommend?”
“Idon’tdrink,butmybrotherslovewhiskey,”Apolosayskindly.
“Aglassofwhiskey,then.”
Heordersitfromawaiterandthensitsdownnexttome.Iclaspmyhandsinmylap,nervous.
“I’mverysorryabouttheguard,”Apoloapologizes,lookingatmewiththosepureeyesofhis.“Sometimestheyhirejustanyone.”
“It’sokay,Ishouldn’thavetriedtogoupstairseither.”
“I’lltellArtemistogiveyouapasssothatwaywhenyoucome,youcangoupstairswheneveryouwant.”
“Thankyou,butyoudon’thavetodothat.”
“Hey,we’reneighbors,and,whilewemaynotbebestfriends,Irememberthetimesweplayedandtalkedthroughthefencetogether.”
“Ididn’tthinkyouwouldrememberthat.Youweresolittle.”
“OfcourseIremember.Iremembereverythingaboutyou.”
Thewayhesaysitmakessomethinginmystomachtightenwithtension.Apolonoticestheexpressiononmyface.“Idon’tmeantosoundweirdoranything,Ijusthaveagoodmemory.”
“Don’tworry,”Isay.“You’renotweird.”
I’mthelastpersonwho’squalifiedtojudgeyouregardingmattersofstalking,anyway,Ithink.
ThebartenderbringsthewhiskeyandItakeasip,strugglingtoswallowit.Ittastesawful.AsItakeanothersip,myattentionisdrawnbacktowardthecrimsoncurtains.“What’sinthere?”
Apoloscratcheshisheadbutbeforehecananswerme,hisphonerings.Hemakesanapologeticfaceashegetsuptoanswerthecallandwalksaway.IlookdownatthedancefloorandseeDanidancingandlaughingwithaguy.I’mnotsurprised.Shehassuchacharming,bubblypersonality.Myeyesdartbacktothecurtains,mycuriositygettingthebestofmeasalways.Whatliesbeyondthem?
Apoloisstillonhiscall,soIstandupandheadtowardthemysteriousplace.ThefirstthingthatenvelopsmewhenIcrossthecurtainsisdarkness.It’shardformyeyestoadjusttoit,sincetheonlylightisfromsmallcandlesscatteredaroundtheareaandnothingelse.
Iseecoupleskissingandgropingeachotheronthesofaspositionedaroundtheroom.Someofthemlooklikethey’rehavingsexwithclotheson.IpasssomanycurtainsthatareallthesamecolorthatInolongerknowwheretheexitis,andI’mterrifiedtoopenthewrongcurtainandinterruptcouplesdoingGodknowswhat.Idecidetoheadtowardasoftlightcomingthroughwhatlookslikeaclearglassdoorinthedistance,inhopesthatit’sanexit.ButI’mmetbyanunexpectedsightontheotherside.
Aresissittinginachairwithhisheadtippedbackandhiseyesclosed.Carefully,Istepoutandjoinhimonthebalcony.Thefreshnightairhitsme,andit’slikeIjustwalkedoutofaspell.Thecandleroomseemstohavethateffect,engulfingyouinadreamlikevibe.Now,I’mbackintherealworld,facingadarknightandaGreekgod.
Areslookssobeautifulwithhiseyesclosed.Heseemsalmostinnocent.Hislonglegsarestretchedoutinfrontofhim,andonehandholdshisglassofwhiskey,whiletheotherissubtlygivinghisnoticeablehard-onagentlesqueeze.Eventuallyheremoveshishand,lookingfrustrated.He’sobviouslytryingtocalmhislittlefrienddownbygettingsomefreshair,butitdoesn’tseemtobeworking.
Asmileofvictorycrossesmylips.
Soyouaren’timmunetomyattemptsatseduction.I’vegotyou,GreekGod.
Iclearmythroat,andAres’seyesshootopen,liftinghisheaduptolookatme.Ican’tgetthisstupidvictoriousgrinoffmyface,andheseemstonotice.“WhyamInotsurprisedtoseeyouhere?”
“Gettingsomefreshair?”Igivealittlelaugh.
Aresrunshishandoverhisjaw.“DoyouthinkI’mlikethisbecauseofyou?”
Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“Iknowyouare.”
“Howareyousosure?MaybeI’vebeenmakingoutwithabeautifulgirl,andsheleftmelikethis.”
Hisresponsedoesn’taffectmysmile.“I’msurebecauseofthewayyoulookedatmebackinthere.Andthewayyou’relookingatmerightnow.”
Aresstandsup,andmycouragefaltersalittle.“AndhowexactlyamIlookingatyou?”
“Asifyouwereasecondawayfromlosingcontrolandkissingme.”
AreslaughswiththathuskylaughthatIfindsosensual.“You’redelirious,maybeit’sthealcohol.”
“Doyouthinkso?”Ipushhimbackward,andhefallsintothechair.
Thosedeepeyesdon’tleavemineasImovecloser,andwithbothlegsoneithersideofhis,Isitonhim.Immediately,Ifeelhowhardheisagainstme,andIbitemylowerlip.Ares’sfaceisinchesawayfrommine,andhavinghimsoclosemakesmypoorheartbeatlikecrazy.Hesmiles,showingoffhisperfectteeth.
“Whatareyoudoing,Witch?”
Idon’tanswerhimandburymyfaceinhisneckinstead.Hesmellsdelicious,acombinationofexpensivecolognemixedwithhisnaturalscent.MybreathingacceleratesasIleaveatrailofwetkissesalloverhisneck.Imakehimputhisglassofwhiskeyonthefloorandguidehishandstomyassandleavethemthere.Aressighs,andIcontinuemyattackonhisneck.Hishandssqueezemybody,andIfeelhimgetevenharderagainstme.Istarttomoveagainsthimgently,temptinghim,torturinghim.
Aslightmoanescapeshislips.IsmileagainsthisskinandmovemymouthuntilIreachhisear.“Ares,”Imoanhisnameinhisearandhepressesmetighteragainsthim.
IpullawayfromhisnecksoIcanlookintohiseyes.ThedarkdesireIfindinthemdisarmsme.Hisnosetouchesmine,andouracceleratedbreathsmingle.
“Doyouwantme?”Iask,moisteningmylips.
“Yes,Iwantyou,Witch.”
Ileanintokisshim,andasourlipsareabouttomeet,Iturnmyheadtotheside,andstandupquickly.
“Karmaisabitch,GreekGod.”
Feelinglikethequeenoftheuniverse,Iwalkawayfromhimandbackintotheclub.NINEThePlan
“Areyouallright?”ApoloasksassoonasIappearathissideagain.“You’reallred.”
ItryhardtofakeaslightsmileasIsitdown.“I’mfine.I’mjustalittlehot.”
Apolo’seyebrowsfurrow,almosttouching.“Yousawsomethingunpleasant,didn’tyou?”
No,actually,IjustleftyourbrotherwithanerectionthesizeoftheEiffelTower.
Apolotakesmysilenceasayesandshakeshishead.“I’vetoldArtemisthatthecandleroomisn’tagoodidea,buthewon’tlistentome.Whywouldhelistentome,anyway?I’mjustthekidinthefamily.”Inoticeacertainbitternessinhissweetvoicewhenhesaysit.
“You’renotachild,”Isay.
“TothemIam.”
“Them?”
“AresandArtemis.”Hesighsandtakesasipofhissoda.“Eventomyparents,theydon’ttakemeintoaccountwhenmakingdecisionsatall.”
“Thatcanbeagoodthing,Apolo.Youhavenoresponsibilities.Thisisastageoflifethat,accordingtomyaunts,youhavetoenjoy.Therewillbetimetoworryaboutthosethingswhenyou’reanadult.”
“Enjoy?Mylifeisboring.Ihavenofriends,atleastnotrealones,andinmyownfamilyI’manobody.”
“Wow,yousoundverysadforsuchayoungman.”
Heplayswiththemetalrimofhissoda.“MygrandfathersaysI’manoldmaninachild’sbody.”
Ah,GrandpaHidalgo.ThelastIheard,he’dbeenplacedinanursinghome.Thefamilymadethatdecisionafterdiscussionsamonghisfourchildren,includingApolo’sdad.FromthesadnessinApolo’seyes,Icouldtellthatthiswasoneofthemanydecisionswheretheydidn’ttakehisfeelingsintoaccount.
Thatinnocent,beautifulfaceshouldn’tlookthatsad,soIstandupandofferhimmyhand.“Doyouwanttohavefun?”
Apolooffersmeaskepticallook.“Raquel,Idon’tthinkthat…”
Thealcoholstillcirculatinginmyveinsmotivatesmeevenmore.“Getup,Lolo,it’stimetohavesomefun.”
Apololaughs,andhislaughremindsmesomuchofhisbrother’s,exceptthatAres’slaughdoesn’tsoundinnocent,justsexy.
“Lolo?”
“Yes,that’syounow,forgetaboutApolo,thegood,boringboy.Nowyou’reLolo,aboywhocametohavefuntonight.”
Apolostandsupandfollowsmeapprehensively.“Wherearewegoing?”
Iignorehimandleadhimdownthestaircasebacktothedancefloor.I’msurprisedIdon’tfallintheseheels.IlookaroundandonceagainfindDanidancingwithsomeone,butit’sagirlthistime.
Okay,Dani,youseemtobehavingagreatnight.
Iheadstraighttothebarandorderfourglassesofvodkaandfourmoreoflemonade.Thebartenderpourstheminfrontofus.
“Areyouready?”
Apolosmilesfromeartoear.“I’mready.”
BeforeIcansayanything,Apolodownsonedrinkafteranother.Leavingthefoursmallglassesempty,heturnstome,andIwatchinhorrorasheholdsontothebarwhilehisbodytriestohandlesomuchalcoholatonce.“Ohshit,Ifeelsostrange.”
“You’recrazy!Thosewereforme!Thelemonadewasforyou!”
Apolocovershismouthwithhishand,grinning.“Oops!”Hetakesmyhandandleadsmetothedancefloor.
“Apolo,wait!”
Okay,thingsarestartingtogetugly.MyoriginalplanwastotoastwithApolo—withhimdrinkinglemonade—takehimdancing,introducehimtoagirlwhohecouldtalkto,andthenlethimgowithasmilebackonthatsweetface.Needlesstosay,myplanhasgonealittlebittoshit.Anythingthatstartswithexcessivealcoholendsbadly.IgiveacryforhelptoDani,andwithinnotime,thethreeofusareinataxionthewaytomyhouse.Apoloissodrunkthatweknowwecouldn’tabandonhimattheclubortakehimtohishouse,wherehisfamilywouldprobablygivehimthescoldingofthecentury.
Letmetellyousomething:dealingwithadrunkpersonishardbuttransportingthemisevenharder.IthinkDaniandIaregoingtogettwoherniasfromcarryingApolouptothesecondlevelofmyhouse.Whydidn’tweleavehimdownstairs?Becausethat’swheremymother’sroomis,andthere’snowayintheworldI’mgoingtoletApolosoberupthere.Ifhevomitsinmymother’sroom,mydaysinthisworldwillcometoanend.
Wethrowhimonmybed,andhecollapseslikearagdoll.
“Areyousureyou’llbeallright?”Daniasks.
“Yeah.Mymom’sondutyatthehospital,andshewon’tbebackuntiltomorrow,”Ianswer.“You’vehelpedmeenough.Idon’twanttocauseyouproblemswithyourparents.Goon.”
“Ifyouneedanything,callme,okay?”
“Calmdownandgo,thetaxiiswaiting.”
Danigivesmeahug.“Assoonashesobersup,sendhimhome.”
“Iwill.”
Apoloislyingonhisbackonmybed,mumblingthingsIdon’tunderstand.Hisshirtisopenandhishairisamess.Hestilllookscuteandinnocentdespitethealcoholinhisveinsandsomevomitonhispants.
“Oh,Rocky.WhathaveIdone?”
Rockyjustlicksmyleginresponse.ItakeoffApolo’sshoesandhesitateasIlookathispants.ShouldItakethemoff?Theyhavevomitonthem.Decidedly,Itakeoffhispantsandhisshirt,whichalsohasvomitonit.Ileavehiminhisboxersandtuckhiminwithmysheet.
Aloudringingmakesmejump.That’snotmyringtone.IfollowthesoundandgrabApolo’spantsoffthefloor,pullingouthisphone,andmyeyeswidenwhenIseethescreen.
Incomingcall:Aresbro
Imuteitandletitringuntilthecalldrops,andthenIseehowmanymessagesandmissedcallsApolohasfromAresandArtemis.Ohshit.Ihadn’tthoughtabouthowhissiblingsandparentswouldreactifhedisappearedfromtheclubanddidn’tgethomesafely.
Arescallsagain,andIhangup.Ican’tanswerhim.He’drecognizemyvoice.Icansendhimatextmessage,butwhatdoItellhim?
Apolo:Hey,bro,I’llsleepatafriend’shouse.
Ihitsend.That’sit;thatshouldcalmhimdown.
Ares’sanswercomesquickly.
Aresbro:Answerthedamnphone,now.
Okay,Areshasnotcalmeddown.Hecallsback.IwatchinalarmashisnametauntsmefromApolo’scellphonescreen.Itfeelslikeyearspass,butAresfinallystopscalling.Asighofreliefescapesmylips,andIsitontheedgeofmybed,whereApoloisstillsleepingdeeply.Atleasthehasn’tvomitedagain.Hiscellphonescreenlightsup,catchingmyattention.IcheckittoseeifAresiscallingagain,butit’sjustanotificationfromacellphoneappcalledFindmyiPhone.
FindmyiPhone!
It’sanappusedtolocateanyAppledevicesthatareregisteredtoanaccount.IfAresusestheapponhisMac,hecangettheexactlocationofthephoneI’mholding.Panicking,Ithrowthephoneonthebed.
Hefoundme!
Iknowhefoundme.WhydoesAresknowsomuchabouttechnology,why?
He’sgoingtokillme.Aresiscomingforme,andnotevenamiraclecansaveme.TENTheDiscussion
Don’tpanic,Raquel!
Don’tpanic!
“Argh!”Igroaninpanic,pacingbackandforthinmyroom.
Rockyfollowsmefaithfully,perceivingmyanxiety.IglanceatApolo,whoisbeyonddreamland.Ibitemynails.Aresisdefinitelyveryangry,andhe’scomingforme.
Ihateyou,technology!You’vecausedmesomuchtroublelately.
“Okay,calmdown,Raquel.Breathe.Onethingatatime,”Isaytomyself,touslingmyhair.“Ifhecomes,don’topenthedoorandthat’sit,nothinghappens.”
Isitontheedgeofthebed,takingadeepbreath.Apolo’shandisdanglingoffthebed.Rockysniffsatitandgrowls,baringhisteeth.Apolo’sastrangertohim.
“Rocky,no,comeon.”Ileadhimoutoftheroomandclosethedoor.ThelastthingIwantisRockybitingApolowhilehesleeps.Thatwouldjustcomplicatethingsevenmore.
Idon’tknowhowmuchtimepasses,butIyawn.IcheckmyphoneandApolo’s,buttherearenonewnotifications,notevenacall.CoulditbethatAreshascalmeddown?Theclockonmynightstandshowsmethetime:2:43a.m.Thenighthasflownby.
Iwalkintomybathroomandmyreflectioninthemirrorislikeaslapintheface.Wow,Ilookawful.Myeyesareredandmybrownhairisamess,withlockspointingineverydirection.Myeyelinerissmudgedundermyeyes,andIcouldeasilygooutonthestreetandscarepeople.AtwhichpointdidIgofromlookinggreattoawful?
It’scalledalcohol,mydear.
Itiemyhairintoamessybunandwashmyfacetoremovemymakeup.Barefoot,Ileavethebathroomandheadtomybed.IsitontheoppositesideofthebedfromApolo,hesitating,butsleepinesswinsthebattle.Myfirstnightouthasbeentoochaotic,andI’mexhausted.It’samiracleI’mnotalreadyasleepandhittingREM.Isighandrubmyface.Myeyesareslowlyclosing,andthebreezecomingthroughthewindowgivesmechills.MyeyesshootwideopenagainwhenIrememberthetimeAresclimbeduptoentermyroomthroughthewindow.
“Shit!”
Iruntothewindow,buthalfwaythereIstopabruptly.Asilhouetteisclearlyvisiblethroughthecurtains.Idon’thavetimetothinkbeforeAresjumpsintomyroom,pullingthecurtainsoutofhisway.
?Oh,mierda!
AsDaniwouldsayinherattemptsatSpanish.
AresHidalgoisinmyroom.Again.Hisheightmakingmyroomfeelsmall,again.He’sstillwearingthatgrayshirtwiththerolled-upsleevesthatfitshimsowell.HelooksatmewithsuchcoldnessthatIswearitgivesmemorechillsthanthebreeze.Heisannoyed.Heisvery,veryannoyed.Hisfeatureslooktense.Hislipsarepressedtight,andhishandsarebunchedintofists.HisentirebodylanguageindicatesthatIneedtohandlethiscarefullyifIdon’twanttoendupasGreekgodfood.
“Whereishe?”heshouts,surprisingme.
“Ares,letmeexplainwhathappened.”
Arespushesmeasideandwalkstowardmybed.“Youdon’thavetoexplainanythingtome.”Hiseyestraveltohisbrother’ssoiledclothingonthefloorandthenbacktoApolo’sproneform.“Didyougethimdrunk?”heasks,apparentlychanginghismind.
“Itwasanaccident.”
“Youleftmeandwenttogetmylittlebrotherdrunk?”
“Itwas…”
“Anaccident?Howcanyoubesoirresponsible?”hesnapsandshakeshisbrother,butApolojustmumblessomethingaboutwantinghismomandhideshisheadunderthepillow.“Justlookathim!”Aresstraightensupandglaresatme.“Didyoudoitonpurpose?Didyouwanttoruinmynightsobadly?”
Heapproachesme,andIstandmyground.I’mnotgoingtolethimintimidateme.“Listentome,Ares,itwasanaccident.Iorderedshotsforme,andyourbrotherthoughttheywereforhim.Sincehe’snotusedtoit,hegotdrunkonbasicallynothing.”
“Doyouexpectmetobelievethat?”
“Whetheryoubelievemeornot,Idon’tcare,I’mtellingyouthetruth.”
“Thelittlegirlhascharacter,”hesaysinamockingtone.
“I’mnotalittlegirl,andunlessyou’regoingtoapologizeforyellingatmeandcomingintomyroomlikethat,Idon’twanttotalktoyou.Goaway.”
“Apologize?”
“Yes.”
Aressighsbutsaysnothing,soIspeakagain.“Yourbrotherisn’tgoingtocomebacktolifeanytimesoon,soIsuggestyoulethimsleep,andthencomeandgethiminthemorning.”
“Lethimsleepwithyou?Overmydeadbody.”
“Yousoundlikeajealousboyfriend.”
“Youwish.”
Heapproachesme,andIwatchhimcautiously.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Arestakesmyhandandbringsittohisface,pressinghissoftlipsagainstmyskin.“Apologizing.”Hekissestheinsideofmyhand,hiseyesfixedonmine.“I’msorry,Raquel.”
Iwanttoscreamathimandtellhimthatanapologyisnotenough,butthatgentlegesture,andthehonestyinhiseyeswhenhesaysit,disarmsme.MyangermeltsawayandthattinglinginmystomachthatIalwaysfeelwhenI’maroundAresreturns.
Ipullmyhandfromhis.“You’recrazy,youknowthat?”
Aresshrugshisshoulders.“No,Ionlyknowhowtoadmitmymistakes.”
IwalkawayfromhimbecausemystupidmindishavingaflashbacktowhenIlefthimhotandbotheredinthebar.Don’tthinkaboutthatnow!IpretendtocheckonApoloandfixthesheetcoveringhim.Aresmovestotheothersideofthebed,andIwatchhimtakeoffhisshoes.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”
Hesaysnothing,finisheswithhisshoes,andstartsunbuttoninghisshirt.
“Ares!”
“Youdon’texpectmetoleavehiminthisstate,doyou?”Hemakespuppyeyesatmethattakemybreathaway.“Besides,itwouldn’tbeappropriate…ifyousleptwithamanalone.”
“Andit’sappropriateformetosleepwithtwo?”
Aresignoresmyquestionandtakesoffhisshirt.
HolyMother,BlessedVirginofAbdominals!
ThebloodrushestomycheeksandIturnasredasatomato.Areshasanothertattooonhislowerabdomenandontheleftsideofhischest.Hisfingerstouchthebuttonofhispants.
“No!Ifyoutakeoffyourpants,yousleeponthefloor.”
Aresgivesmeacrookedsmile.“Areyouafraidofnotbeingabletocontrolyourself?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“So?”
“Justleavethemon.”
Heraiseshishandsinobedience.“Asyousay.Come,timeforbed,Witch.”
Istrugglenottolookathim.Aresisshirtlessinmyroom.Thisistoomuchforme.Heliesdowninthemiddleofmybedandleavesenoughroomformeneartheedge.I’mthankfulthatIhaveabigbedandApoloiscurledupinthecorner,otherwisethere’snowaywecouldallfit.Nervously,IliedownonmybacknexttoAres,whowatchesmewithamusement.Istareupattheceilingwithoutmovingamuscle.Icanfeelhisbodyheatagainstmyarm.I’mgoingtodieofsexualtension.Itakemypillowandputitbetweenthetwoofusforasenseofprotection.
Areslaughs.“Apillow?Really?”
Iclosemyeyes.“Goodnight,Ares.”
Afewsecondspassbeforethepillowispulledaway.ThenextthingIfeelisAres’sarmpullingmetowardhimuntilmybackisflatagainsthischest.Icanfeelhimcompletelypressedagainstme.Allofhim.Arespressesmeeventighteragainsthim,andhishotbreathbrushesagainstmyear.
“Goodnight?Idon’tthinkso.Thenightisjustbeginning,Witch.Andyouowemeone.”
VirginofAbdominals,protectme!ELEVENTheSexyGreekGod
I’mgoingtohaveaheartattack.
Icanfeelmypoorheartbeatingdesperatelyinmychest,andI’msureAresfeelsittoo.He’sstillpressedagainstme,andtheheatemanatingfromhisbodywarmsmyback.Hishandisonmyhip,andmynervesmakemymusclestenseandmybreathingquicken.
Youowemeone…
Ares’swordsechoinmyhead.
Hisbreathcaressesthesideofmyneck,givingmegoosebumps.Slowly,Ares’shandmovesupovermydressuntilhereachesmyribs.Istopbreathingashishandstopsjustbelowmyleftbreastandremainsthere.
“Yourheartisgoingtoburst,”hewhispersinmyear.
Ilickmylips.“Itmustbethealcohol.”
Ares’slipsbrushmyear.“No,it’snot.”
Hebeginstoleavewetkissesonmyneck,movinguptolickmyearlobe.Ifeelmylegsweakenatthesensationofhislipsonthatsensitivepartofmybody.“Didyouenjoyit?”
Hisquestionconfusesme.“What?”
“Leavingmehorny?”
Igaspathisrawwords.Asiftoemphasizehispoint,hishandmovesdownfrommychesttomyhipandpressesmeevenclosertohim.That’swhenIfeelhowhardheis.IknowIshouldpullawayfromhim,buthistonguelicks,hislipssuck,andhisteethbiteintotheskinofmyneck,drivingmecrazy.
Don’tfallintohisgame,Raquel.
“Iknowyoujustwantrevenge,”Iwhisper,thinkingthatmaybethiswillmakehimgiveup.
“Revenge?”Hesmilesintomyskinandhishandmovesuptomybreastsoncemore,butthistimehemassagesthemshamelessly.Ishiverinhisarms.It’sthefirsttimeaboyhastouchedmelikethat.
“Iknowthat’swhatyouwant,”Isay,bitingmyliptoholdbackamoan.
“That’snotwhatIwant.”
“So,whatdoyouwant?”
Hishandleavesmybreasts,andhisfingerstracealinedownmystomach.Ijumpwhenhishandtouchesbetweenmylegs.“ThisiswhatIwant.”
Okay,that’sveryclear.
Arestakestheedgeofmydressandslidesituppainfullyslowly.Myhearthasalreadysufferedthroughtwoheartattacksandsurvived.IhavenoideawhyI’mlettinghimtouchmelikethisagain.OrmaybeIdo,becauseI’vealwaysbeendrawntohiminaninexplicableway.EversinceIsawhimplayingsoccerinhisbackyardwhenwewerekids,hisstoicexpressionandcoldeyescaughtmyattention.Hewasjustakidandtherewasalreadysomethingmysteriousabouthimthatmademewanttoknowmore,mademewanttofindawaytomakehimsmileandabandonthatbitterexpression.Tothisday,Istillwanttoseemoreofhim.Iwantallofhim.
AslightmurmurofdenialleavesmylipsasAresslipshishandundermydress,hisfingersmovingupanddownovermyunderwear.HisslowtorturecontinuesasIunconsciouslybegintomovemyhipsbacktowardhim,wantingallofhimpressedagainstme.Aresgrowlssoftly,andit’sthesexiestsoundI’veeverheardinmylife.
“Raquel,Icanfeelhowwetyouarethroughyourpanties.”
Thewayhesaysmynamemakesthepressureinmybellygrow.I’mnibblingonmylowerlipsohardtokeepmyselffrommoaningthatI’mafraidI’llbleed.Historturecontinues,slow,upanddown,circles…Ineedmore.Iwantmore
“Ares…”
“Yes?”Hisvoiceisnolongerthatrobotic,coldvoiceI’musedto.It’sgutturalandhisbreathingisinconsistent.“Doyouwantmetotouchyouthere?”
“Yes,”Ianswershyly.
Obediently,Aresmovesmypantiesaside,and,themomenthisfingerstouchmyskin,Ishudder,archingmyback.
“OhGod,Raquel,”hemoansinmyear.“You’resowet,soreadyforme.”
Hisfingersworkmagic,makingmyeyesrollback.Wherethefuckdidhelearntodothat?Mybreathingischaotic;myheartdoesn’tevenhaveanormalrhythmanymore;mybodyisoverloadedwithdelicious,addictivesensations.Ican’tandwon’tstop.Myhipsmoveevenmoreagainsthim,makinghimharder.
“Keepmovinglikethat,keepteasingme,andI’llspreadthoseprettylegsandfuckyousohardI’llhavetocoveryourmouthtosilenceyourmoans.”
Hiswordsarelikefiretomyburningbody.Hisfingersarestillmovinginme,hismouthstillonmyneck,hisbodypressedagainstmine.
“Ican’ttakeitanymore.”Myself-controlisgone;itvanishedthemomentheslippedhishandsinsidemyunderwear.Iamsoclosetoanorgasmandheseemstoknowitbecausehespeedsupthemovementofhisfingers.Up,down,Icanfeelitcoming,mybodytremblesinanticipation.
“Ares!OhGod!”Iamonlysensations,delicioussensations.
“Doyoulikeit?”
“Yes!”Imoanuncontrollably,approachinganorgasm.“OhGod,I’myours!”
“Allmine?”
“Yes!Allyours!”
Mywholebodyexplodesintotinglingsensationsthatrunthrougheverypartofme,electrifyingme,makingmemoansoloudlythatAresuseshisfreehandtocovermymouth.ThisisnothingliketheonesI’veachievedbytouchingmyself.Thisorgasmdisarmsandshakesme.
Aresreleasesmymouthandtakeshishandoutofmypanties.HemovesawayfrommealittleandthenextthingIhearisthesoundofplasticripping.Acondom?Andthenthesoundofhispantszipper.Ipanicandturnmybodyaroundtofacehim.Butnotevenahundredyearsoflifewouldhavepreparedmetoseehimlikethis:half-nakedonmybed,blushing,hisbeautifulblueeyesstaringbackatmewithlust.MysearchingeyestraveldownhisabstothatforbiddenzoneI’vealreadyfeltsomuchbuthaven’tseenand,wow,IconfirmthatAresiscompletelyperfectasIwatchhimputonthecondom.
Iswallowthickly,frowning.
“What’swrong?”heasks,pullingmetohim.
Well,I’mavirginandIpanickedbecauseIfeltyourbigfriendagainstme,Ithink,andI’mimmediatelythankfulIdidn’tsaythatoutloud.
“Mmm,I…Idon’twant…”Iswallowandfeelmythroatdryup.Wherethehelldidallmysalivago?
YoulostitwhenyouweremoaninglikecrazyinAres’sarms,mymindanswersme.
Aresraisesaneyebrow.“Youdon’twantmetofuckyou?”
Howdirect.“I…”
“Raquel,webothknowhowwetandreadyyouareforme.”
“I’msorry.”
Areswrapshishandaroundhimself,stroking.“Leavingmelikethisisbeyondcruelty,Raquel.”
ShouldIreturnthefavor?Isthatwhathe’simplying?Andwhydoesthatturnmeonsomuch?Isittheideaoftouchinghim?Feelinghim?I’venevertouchedaboyinmylife,though.
Iactoninstinctandnervouslybringmyhandtowardhim.Areswatchesmelikeapredator,playingwiththepiercinginhisred,provocativelips.HavinghimsocloseandnakedafterIlethimgivemethebestorgasmofmylifegivesmesomeconfidence;theintimacybarrierhasalreadybeencrossedbetweenus.
Themomentmyhandmakescontactwithhishardness,Arescloseshiseyesandsinkshisteethintohislowerlip,rippinganydoubtsoutofmyhead.Seeinghimshudderlikethat,tensinghisstomachmusclesasImovemyhand,isthesexiestthingI’veeverseeninmylife.
“Shit…”hemumbles,puttinghishandonmineandspeedingupthemovement.“YouknowwhatI’mimagining,Raquel?”
Imovemylegstogether,therubbingbetweenthemmakingmewanttofeelhisfingersthereagain.“No,what?”
Heopenshiseyes,andIcanseetheyarefilledwithdesire.“Howgooditmustfeeltobeinsideyou.Iimagineyouundermewithyourlegsaroundmyhips,makingyoumineasyouscreammyname.”
Ohmygoodness,Ineverthoughtwordscouldturnmeonsomuch.
HeremoveshishandandIcontinuethefastrhythmheshowedme.Hemassagesmybreastswildlyandafterafewseconds,hecloseshiseyes,mutteringprofanities.HisabdomencontractsasdothemusclesinhisarmsandthenAresletsoutagruntmixedwithamoanandcomesinmyhand.
Wearebothbreathingrapidly,ourchestsrisingandfallingtogether.
“Ineedtogotothebathroom,”Isay,hidingmyhand.
Irunformylifeandlockmyselfinthebathroom.Iwashmyhandsandlookatmyreflectioninthemirror.“Whatintheworldjusthappened?”Iaskmyselfinawhisper.
Partofmecan’tbelieveit.AresandIjustgaveeachothersomeprettygoodorgasmsrightnexttohissleepingbrother.I’mthankfulmybedislargeenoughthattherewasconsiderabledistancebetweenusandApolowhileitwasallhappening.PoorApolo!
Ipointtomyreflectioninthemirror.“Whoareyou,andwhatdidyoudowithmyinnocentself?”
Perhapsthereneverwasaninnocentself.
Regainingmycomposureandmymissingmorals,IdecidetogooutandfacetheGreekgod.TWELVETheConversation
IrealizethattheGreekGodnicknamefitsAresperfectly,especiallyafterseeinghimnaked.
IsawAresnaked.Itouchedhim.Isawhimcome.AmIdreaming?MaybeIgottoodrunkandit’soneofthosecrazy,vivid,drunkendreams.
AsIwalkoutofthebathroom,ImentallythankAresforgettingdressed,butIfinditstrangethathehasputeverythingon.Hisshirt,hispants,hisshoes.Isheleaving?Myhearttwistsalittlewhenhedoesn’teventurntolookatme.He’stoobusytypingonhisphone,sittinginmydeskchair.
“Whoareyoutextingatthishour?”
“That’snotyourproblem,Raquel.”
AndthereIstand,feelingsuperuncomfortable.WhatshouldIdo?Orsay?Afterafewseconds,Aresliftshiseyesfromhisphoneandglancesatme.Iswallow,fiddlingwithmyhandsinfrontofme.
Really,Raquel?Afteryou’vedoneallthatwithhim,you’rethisnervous?
Myconscienceisanidiot.
“I’mleaving.”Aresstandsup,stickinghisphoneintothebackpocketofhispants.Myheartsinksinmychest.“WhenApolowakesup,tellhimtojumpthefenceandenterthroughthebackdoor,I’llleaveitopenforhim.”
“Ithoughtitwasn’tappropriatetosleepwithamanalone,”Ijoke,butAresdoesn’tsmile.
“It’snot,butit’syourroom,yourlife.Ithasnothingtodowithme.”
Okay,thisguyismoody.Hearrivedannoyed,thenhewastender,thensexual,andnowhe’sbacktobeingcold.
“Issomethingwrong?”
Areswalkstothewindow.“No.”
Ohno,youwon’tleave.Youwon’tleaveherewiththatattitudewithoutexplainingwhat’swrongwithyou.Youwon’tleavemewithafeelingofhavingbeenusedthatiseatingawayatmyheart.
Icatchuptohimandstandinfrontofhim,blockingthewindow.“What’swrongwithyounow,Ares?”
“There’snothingwrongwithme.”
“Yes,somethingiswrongwithyou.Yoursuddenmoodswingsaregivingmeaheadache.”
“Andyourdramaisbotheringme.That’swhyI’mleaving.”
“Drama?”
Hepointsbetweenus.“Thisdrama.”
“Ihadn’tevensaidanythingtoyouuntilIsawthatyouwereabouttoleave.”
“Whycan’tIleave?”
“Yousaidyouwouldsleephere.”
Aressighs.“Ichangedmymind.Ithappens.Didn’tyouknowthat?”
“You’rebeinganidiot.Didn’tyouknowthat?”
“That’stheveryreasonI’mleaving.Idon’tunderstandwhywomenassumethatweowethemsomethingjustbecausewe’vehadalittlesexualfun.Idon’toweyouanything.Idon’thavetostay.Idon’thavetodoanythingforyou.”
Ouch!
Arescontinues.“Look,Raquel,IliketobehonestwiththegirlsIgetinvolvedwith.”
Whateverhe’sgoingtosay,IknowI’mnotgoingtolikeit.
“YouandIarehavingfun,butI’mnotlookingforarelationship.I’mnotlookingtocuddleafterfoolingaroundalittle.That’snotme.IneedtobeclearwithyouaboutthatbecauseIdon’twanttohurtyou.Ifyouwanttohavefunwithmewithnostringsattached,fine.Andifthat’snotwhatyouwant,ifwhatyouwantisaboyfriend,romance,PrinceCharming,thentellmetostayaway,andIwill.”
Thicktearsrundownmycheeks,andit’slikeI’vesteppedoutofasweetdreamandenteredapainfulreality.Imoistenmylipstospeak.“Iunderstand.”
Ares’sexpressioncrumpleswithsadness,but,beforehesaysanything,Iwipeawaymytearsandopenmymouthagain.
“Thenstayawayfromme.”
Thesurpriseonhisfaceisalltooobvious.Iknowthatwasn’twhatheexpected.Butmymothertaughtmetoneverattempttochangesomeone.Iknowthatnoamountofsex,nomatterhowgood,isenoughtochangesomeoneifthatpersonisunwillingtotry.
DoIlikehim?Ireallydo.IwoulddaretosaythatI’mfallinginlovewithhim.ButIsawmymotherputupwith—andforgive—myfather’sinfidelitiesoverandoveragain.Isawthatsheforgothowmuchshewasworth,andthatnomatterhowmuchsheendured,cried,andsuffered,myfatherneverchanged.Hefinallyleftwithawomanmuchyoungerthanher.Afterlivingthroughallthat,IpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tbethesame,Iwouldn’tletmyselfbetrampledoverandmistreatedforlove,Iwouldn’tletmyselfbecompletelycarriedawaybymyemotions.Thepainofabrokenheartpasses,buttheknowledgethatyouletsomeonemakeyouforgetyourworthandwalkalloveryoustayswithyouforever.
SoIlookAresstraightintheeye,notcaringthatIstillhavedriedtearsonmycheeks.“Stayawayfromme.Anddon’tworry,I’mnotinterestedinwatchingyouanymore,soyoucanputyourmindatrest.”
Hedoesn’tcomeoutofhisdaze.“Youneverceasetoamazeme,youareso…unpredictable.”
“Andyou’resuchanidiot.Doyouthinkthatgoingaroundbanginggirlsandthendumpingthemwillbringyouhappiness?Doyouthinkthis‘Ijustwanttohavefunandnothingserious’nonsenseisgoingtogetyouanywhere?Youknow,Ares,Ithoughtyouwereadifferentperson.Igetwhytheysay,‘neverjudgeabookbyitscover.’Youhaveabeautifulcover,butyourcontentisempty,andyou’renotabookI’minterestedinreading,sogetoutofmyroomanddon’tcomeback.”
“Wow,youreallywantthewholeromancestory,don’tyou?”
“Yes,andthere’snothingwrongwiththat.AtleastIknowwhatIwant.”
Arestenseshisjaw.“Fine,asyouwish.”
Istepasideandhestartstoclimboutthewindow.“AndAres?”
Heturnstome,withhishandsontheladder,andhisbodyalreadyoutsideontherungs.
“Ihopeyou’vegottheinternetworkingatyourplace,becauseIamgoingtochangemyWi-Fipassword.Ican’tseeanypointinitbeingAresAndMeForevernow.”
Ahintofpaincrosseshisfeatures,butIchalkituptomyimagination,andhejustnodsanddisappearsdowntheladder.
IletoutalongsighasIwatchtheboyofmydreamswalkaway.
Ifeelhorrible.
Bothphysicallyandemotionally,whichisaverybadcombinationforasinglehumanbeing.Myheadhurts,andmybodyandmystomacharenotquitestabilizedafterdrinking.Ihaven’tsleptatall,andit’salreadymorning.
AndApolo?
He’sgood,thankyou,sleepinglikeavampireonasunnyday.
Mycupofcoffeewarmsmyhands.I’msittingonthefloorinfrontofthebedwithablanketaroundme.Ihopethecoffeedoessomethingformysoul.Ifeellikeazombie,andI’mprettysureIlooklikeonetoo.Frommyposition,Icanseethetopoftheladderonthewindowsill.Istillcan’tbelieveIconvincedMomtoletmekeepitaftershesawit.ItoldherIwaspracticingsomenewtrendyInstagramexercise,andshebelievedme.MaybeIshouldgetridofitnow.Isigh.
Ifeellikeshit.
Thephysicaldiscomfortisnothingcomparedtothefeelingofdisappointmentthatpiercesmysoul.Ifeelused,rejected,andunappreciated.It’samazingwhatArescandotomewithjustafewwords.EventhoughIknowIdidtherightthingbykickinghimoutofmylife,itdoesn’treducethedisappointmentanddejectioninmyheart.
Asunexpectedlyasheappearedinmylife,he’sgone.
Thesunispeekingthroughmywindow,andIrememberAresdisappearingthroughitasifithappenedminutesago,nothours.Ican’thelpbutanalyzeeverymomentoverandoveragain.Mypoorbrain,guidedbymyheart,triestolookforgestures,expressions,anyhiddenwordsthatgivemehopethathewasn’tjustplayingwithme,thathedidn’tjustuseme,thathe’snotanidiot.
DuringthetimeI’veobservedhim,I’verealizedthathispersonalityisn’tthegreatest,butIdidn’texpecthimtohavesuchanarrowperceptionofromance.Hedoesn’twantarelationship,andhethinkswomenaresomethingtobeusedanddiscarded.IknowthatifIdidn’thavesuchstrongviewsaboutvaluingmyselfasawoman,Iwouldhavefallenintohisnet.IwouldhavegivenmyselftohimcompletelysimplybecauseIlikehim.Ilikeeverythingabouthim.Ihaveneverinmylifefeltsoattractedtosomeone.ThethingsAresmakesmefeeljustbylookingatmeareoverwhelming.
SoIdon’tblamethegirlswhohavegonethroughwithitandtriedtochangehim.Iwouldtry,too,ifIhadn’texperiencedfirsthandwhatmymotherwentthrough.Thatmemoryhasalwaysgivenmestrength.
Isighagain,takingasipofmycoffee.Iamsotiredofbeingalone.
Iwanttohavelove,experience,fun.Iwantsomanythings.ButIalsowantsomeonewhorespectsme,whoyearnstobewithme,whowantstobewithme.Idon’twanttobeanyone’stoy,nomatterhowmuchImightlikehim.
Ilaymyheadagainsttheedgeofthebedandputmycoffeecuptothesidetowatchtheceilingfanspin.Itmovessoslowly,blowingcoolairovermyface.
Withoutrealizingit,Ifallasleep.
Afewhourslater,Apolofinallywakesup,andleaveswithhisheaddown,mumblingathousandapologies.I’vecometorealizehowmuchApolofearsandrespectsAres,butmostofallhowtenderandkindApolois.Ilikehimalot,andIhopethatthissituation,althoughbizarre,isthebeginningofourfriendship.
AsIwatchApoloclimbdowntheladderoutsidemywindow,Ican’thelpbutrememberthemomentthatAresleft.Hiseyeshadbeenfixedonme,asifwaitingformetochangemymindandtellhimtocomeback.
Ah!Getoutofmyhead,GreekGod.
Ineedtogobacktosleep.Icovermyselfwithmyblanketandtrytodojustthat.THIRTEENTheIncident
Iconsidermyselfahardworker.
Ihelpmymom,andIbuythingsformyselfthatshecan’tgiveme.It’snotbecauseshedoesn’twantto,butsimplybecausehernursingsalaryisbarelyenoughtopayourrent,utilities,hercar,andthenecessities.We’reateam.
Today,however,Idon’twanttogotowork.I’vethoughtofahundredexcuses,butthetruthisthatIneedthemoney.ClassesstartonMonday,sothesearemylastdaystoworkdoubleshifts.Whenschoolstarts,I’llonlybeabletoworkduringtheeveningsandweekends.
It’sbeenalmostaweeksinceIsawAres.Tobehonest,Ididn’texpecttomisshim.HowcouldI?Weonlysaweachotherafewtimes.ButIthinkImissstalkinghimtoo.Itwasaweirdhobbythatgavemeanadrenalinerushandnowit’sgone.Isigh,gathermythings,andstuffthemintomybackpack.TosayI’vehadabaddayisputtingitmildly.I’vebeendistractedandyawningconstantly.Mybosshasalreadycalledmeoutthreetimes,andwehadtogiveacustomerfreefriesbecauseImixeduphisorder.
ItakeoffmyDreamBurgerscapandputitinmylocker.Iconsiderchangingmyshirt,butIdon’tevenbother.I’mtoolazytowalktothebathroom,soI’lldoitwhenIgethome.
“Badday,huh?”Gabriel’svoicemakesmejump,andIhitmyshoulderwiththelockerdoor.
“Jesus!Youscaredme.”
“Sorry.”Gabrieltakesoffhiscap,lettinghisreddishhairescapeandallowingmetoseehisfacebetter.Hehasthatkindofsoftfacethatwouldmakeyoufallathisfeetifheweretomakeeyesatyou.“So,I’mcurious.Anyreasonastowhyyougaveamilkshaketosomeonewhoorderedanicecream?”
“Oh,yousawthat?”
“Everyonesawit.Youwerelikeonanotherplanet.”Heopenshislockerandtakesouthisthings.
“It’ssoembarrassing.”
“Relax,it’shappenedtometoo.”Hegivesmeameaningfullook.
Ilookathimsadly.“Dani?”
“Yeah.”Hestaresintohislocker,deepinthought.“SheandIarefromdifferentworlds.I’mjusttheprettyboywhoworksatDreamBurgerstoher,nothingmore.”
“I’msorry.”
“Relax.Iknewitwouldn’twork,butIdidn’texpecttocareabouthersoquickly.”
Oh,believeme,Iknowaboutthat.“Idon’tknowwhattotellyou,Gabo.”
“Tellmeyourstory.”
“Mystory?”
“Whyareyousodistractedtoday?”
Iclosemylockerandputonmybackpack.“I-Icutapersonoutofmylifealittlewhileago,he…”IrememberAres’scoldwords.“Hewasn’twhatIexpected.”
“Disappointment,huh?Thathurts.”
“Alot.”Islingmybackpackovermyshoulder.“Ihavetogo.Goodnight,Gabe.”
“Goodevening,RaquelMilkshake.”
“Really?”
“ItwillbedaysbeforeIforgetaboutit.”
Igavehimthefinger,andheactssurprised.“Bye,silly.”
Walkinghomehasneverbeenasdepressingasitistoday.Thesoundofcarspassingontheavenueislikewhitenoise,andtheorangeglowofthestreetlampsilluminatestherouteprecariously.Itseemsasifmysurroundingshavemoldedtomymood.It’salmostmidnight,butI’mnotworriedbecausecrimeislowinthisareaandmyhouseisn’tthatfaraway.
However,duetolaziness,Imakeaverybaddecision.
Itakeashortcut.
Togettomyneighborhoodfaster,Idecidetocrossunderabridgetoshortenthepath.It’sdarkandlonelyunderthere,andIdon’ttakeintoaccountthemenwhorelyonthatdarknesstogethighorsellillegalsubstances.MyfeetfreezewhenIseethreemenunderthebridge.Withthedarknessservingascamouflage,Idon’tseethemuntilI’malmostinfrontofthem.
“Doyouwantsomething,prettygirl?”oneofthemasks.Hisvoiceisdeep,andhecoughsalittle.
Myheartspeedsup,andmyhandssweat.“No,Idon’t….No.”
“Didyougetlost?”
“I…Itookthew-wrongway,”Istutter,andoneofthemlaughs.
“Ifyouwanttocomethroughhere,youhavetogiveussomething.”
Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mgoingtheotherway.”
I’mabouttoturnandleavewhenmyphonerings,breakingthesilence.Frantically,Itakeitoutofmypocket,silencethecall,andputitawayagain,butit’stoolate.
“Oh,thatphonelooksnice,don’tyouthink,John?”
“Yeah,thatwouldbeagoodbirthdaypresentformydaughter.”
Itrytorun,butoneofthemgrabsmyarm,draggingmeintothedarknessunderthebridge.IscreamasloudasIcan,buthecoversmymouthandholdsmebythehair,keepingmestill.
“Shh!Easy,prettygirl.We’renotgoingtodoanythingtoyou,justgiveusthephone.”
Tearsfillmyeyes.ThemansmellsofalcoholandotherchemicalsIdon’trecognize.
“Thephone.Now,”demandsanotheroneofthem,butIcan’tmove.Fearhasmeparalyzed.Iwanttomovemyhandandtakeoutmyphone,butIcan’t.
Thethirdmanemergesfromtheshadows.Hehasacigaretteclampedbetweenhisteethandascaronhisface.“It’sinherpocket,holdher.”
No,don’ttouchme!
Iscream,butthesoundismutedbythehandsofthemanholdingme.Theonewiththescarapproachesmeandputshishandinthepocketofmypants,lickinghislips.Iwanttovomit.
Pleasehelpme.
Hepullsoutmyphoneandexaminesit.“Nice,anditlooksasgoodasnew,it’llbeagoodgiftforyourdaughter.”Hepassesittotheotherman,buthisdisturbingeyesneverleavemyface.“You’reverypretty.”
“Shallwelethergo?Wealreadyhavethephone,”askstheoneholdingme.
“Yeah,John,that’senough.”
Johnlooksatmeandhiseyeslowertomybody.
No,pleasedon’t
Theoneholdingmeletsmego,butJohngrabsmeandpullsmebackwardtowardhim,coveringmymouthagain.Ican’tbreatheproperly,andIcan’tmove.
Help!
“John,she’sprobablymydaughter’sage.”
“Shutup,assholes!”Hisshoutechoesinmyear.“Getoutofhere.”
“But…”
“Getoutofhere!”
Thetwomenexchangeglances,andIpleadwiththemwithmyeyes,buttheyleave.
No.God,pleasedon’t.
Johndragsmeunderthebridge,andIstartkickingandfightingdesperately.Hegrabsmebythehairandturnsmetowardhim.“Cooperate,Idon’twanttohurtyoumorethannecessary.Butifyouscream,it’sgoingtogorealbadforyou,prettygirl.”
Assoonashereleasesmymouth,Iscream.“Helpme!Please—”
Hehitsme.Ididn’tevenseehimraisehishand.Ionlyfeelthestrongimpactonmyrightcheek.I’veneverbeenhitbefore;I’veneverfeltsuchstrong,suddenpain.Itthrowsmeoffbalanceandsendsmetotheground.Everythingspins,andmyrightearthrobs.Icantastebloodinmymouth.
“Isanyonethere?”Ihearavoicefromthebridgeabove,anditsoundslikeGod.“What’sgoingon?”
Johnpanicsandrunsaway,andIcrawltositup.“Help!Downhere!”Myvoicesoundsweak.Thewholerightsideofmyfacethrobs.
“OhGod!”It’saman’svoice.Inafewsecondsthatfeellikeaneternity,heappearsinfrontofme.“OhmyGod,areyouokay?”
Ican’ttalk,Ihavealumpinmythroat.Ijustwanttogohome.Ijustwanttobesafe.Hekneelsinfrontofme.
“God,areyouallright?”
Imanagetonodmyhead.
“ShouldIcallthepolice?Canyouwalk?”
Withhishelp,Igetup,andwemoveawayfromthathellishdarkness.
Mom…
House.
Safe.
That’sallmybraincanthinkofwhenthemanlendsmehisphone.Withtremblingfingers,IdialtheonlynumberIknow:mymother’s.Butshedoesn’tanswer,andmyheartsinksinmychest.Tearsblurmyvision.
“Doyouwantmetocallthepolice?
No,Idon’twantcops,Idon’twantquestions.IjustwanttogohomewhereI’msafeandwherenoonecanhurtme.ButIdon’thavethecouragetowalkalone,notagain,andIdon’twanttoaskthisstrangertowalkwithme.AndthenIrememberthatmymother’sphonenumberwastheonlyoneIknewuntilrecently.UntilAresstartedtextingme.
AtthispointIdon’tcarewhatheandIhaveagreed,Ijustneedsomeonetotakemehome.Thiscallismyonlysalvation,andifAresdoesn’tanswer,Idon’tknowwhatI’lldo.
Onthethirdring,Ihearhisvoice.
“Hello?”
Thelumpinmythroatmakesitalmostimpossibleformetosayanything.“Hello,Ares.”
“Whoisit?”
“It’s…Raquel.”Myvoicebreaks.Ihavetearsfallingfrommyeyes.“I…”
“Raquel?Areyouokay?Areyoucrying?”
“No,well,yes…I…”
“ForGod’ssake,Raquel,tellmewhat’swrong.”
Ican’ttalk,Icanonlycry.Forsomestrangereasonhearinghisvoicehasmademeburstintotears.Theguytakesthephonefromme.
“Hi,I’mthephone’sowner.Thegirlwasattackedunderabridge.”There’sapause.“We’reattheparkonFourthAvenue,infrontoftheconstructionbuilding.Okay,allright.”Hehangsup.
I’mjustaseaoftears.Themantouchesmyshoulder.
“He’llbehereinafewminutes.Calmdown,breathe.”
Theminutesflyby.LikeIsaid,myneighborhoodisn’tfar,butIdidn’texpecttoseeAresrunningtowardus.He’swearinggraypajamapantsandaT-shirtofthesamecolor,andhishairisamess.Hisbeautifuleyesmeetmine,andtheconcernonhisfacedisarmsme.Istanduptowalktowardhim.Aresdoesn’tsayanythingbutquicklyembracesme,smellingofsoap,andinthismomentofsafety,ofreassurance,Iamsafe.Heleansbackandholdsmyface.
“Areyouokay?”Inodfaintlyandhisfingerbrushesagainstmybustedlip.“Whatthehellhappened?”
“Idon’twanttotalk.Ijustwanttogohome.”
Aresdoesn’tpushmetosaymore.Helooksatthemantoonesideofus.“I’lltakecareofit;youcango.Thankyouverymuch.”
“You’rewelcome.Takecareofyourselves.”
We’releftalone,andAresletsgoofme,turnsaround,andleansforwardtooffermehisback.
Ilookathimstrangely.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Hegivesmeasmileoverhisshoulder.“Takingyouhome.”
Carefully,Iclimbontohisbackandhecarriesmeeasily,asifIweighednothing.Irestmyheadononeofhisshoulders.Myfaceisstillthrobbingwithpain,andtearsfloodmyeyesasIthinkaboutwhatjusthappened,butIfeelsafe.
Inthearmsoftheidiotwhobrokemyheart,Ifeelsafe.
Thesilencebetweenusisn’tuncomfortable,it’sjustsilence.Theskyisclear,thestreetsarequieternow,andtheorangestreetlightsarestillthereasifnothinghashappened.
Wearriveatmyhouse,andAresputsmedown.Mymomisatwork,sohecomesinwithme.Igouptomyroomwhilehelooksforiceinthekitchen.Rockygreetsmeenthusiastically,andImanagetorubhisheadalittlebeforesendinghimtositinthecorneroftheroom.Itakeoffmybackpackandsitonmybed.
Aresappearswithaplasticbagfulloficeandsitsdownnexttome.“Thiswillhelp.”Hepressesthebagagainstmyface,andIletoutagroanofpain.
“I’msorry,”Isayquietly.
Aresfrowns.“Why?”
“Forcallingyou,Iknowthat…”
“No,”heinterruptsme.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.Neverhesitatetocallmeifyou’reintrouble,ever,understood?”
“Understood.”
“Nowliedown,youneedtorest,tomorrowwillbeanotherday.”Iobeyhimandliedown,holdingtheicepackagainstmycheek.HecoversmewithblanketsandIjustwatchhim.I’veforgottenhowcuteheis.
Imissedyou.
Ithinkaboutit,butIdon’tsayit.Aresseemstobegettingreadytoleave,andthepanicofbeingaloneovercomesme.Isitup.“Ares…”
Thoseblueeyeslookatme,waiting,andIdon’tknowhowtoaskhimtostay.HowcanIaskhimtostaywhenaweekagoIaskedhimtoleaveandnevercomeback?ButIdon’twanttobealone.Ican’tbealonetonight.Heseemstoreadmymind.
“Doyouwantmetostay?”
“Youdon’thavetoifyoudon’twantto,I’llbefine,I—”
Hedoesn’tletmefinish,throwinghimselfontheoppositesideofthebed.BeforeIcanspeak,heputsanarmaroundmywaistandpullsmeclosetohim,huggingmefrombehindaffectionately.
“You’resafe,Raquel,”hemurmurs.“Sleep.Iwon’tleaveyoualone.”
Iputtheicepackonthebedsidetableandclosemyeyes.“Doyoupromise?”
“Yes.Iwon’tleave.Notthistime.”
Sleepinesscomesoverme,andIfallbetweenthatstateofconsciousnessandunconsciousness.“Imissedyou,GreekGod.”
Ifeelakissonthebackofmyheadandthenaquietwhisper.
“Metoo,Witch,metoo.”FOURTEENTheGentleman
Rocky’shabitoflickingmyhandwhenhewantsfoodwakesmeup.Thesunlightisstreamingthroughmywindow,warmingtheroom.Myeyesburn,andmyfacehurts,andittakesmeafewsecondstoremembereverythingthathappenedlastnight.
Ares…
Withajump,Isitupandlookattheothersideofmybed.MyheartsinkswhenIseethatit’sempty.ButwhatdidIexpect?ThatI’dwakeuptohimcuddlingwithme?I’msonaive.
Slowly,Iwalktothebathroomtobrushmyteeth.WhenIlookinthemirror,Iletoutasqueal.“Holymotherofbruises!”
Myfacelookshorrible.Thewholerightsideisswollenandthere’sabruisegoingupfromthemiddleofmycheektomyrighteye.Thecornerofmymouthhasasmallcutonit.Ihadnoideathatmanhitmesohard.AsIinspectmyface,Inoticebruisesonmywristsandarms—Iguessfromwhenthoseotherguysgrabbedme.
AshiverrunsthroughmeasIrememberwhathappened.Aftertakingashowerandbrushingmyteeth,Ileavethebathroominmyunderwear,towelingmyhair.
“Pokémonpanties?”
IscreamatthesightofAressittingonmybed.There’sabagoftake-outfoodandtwocoffeesonthenightstand.Icovermyselfwiththetowel.
“Ithoughtyouleft.”
Hesmiles.“Ijustwentforbreakfast.Howareyoufeeling?”
“I’mfine,andthankyou,that’sverykindofyou.”
Andkindnessisnotyourthing,Ithink.
“Getdressedandhavesomethingtoeat.Unlessyouwanttodoitthisway?Withoutclothes.Iwouldn’tcomplain.”
Igavehimamurderouslook.“Veryfunny,I’llberightback.”
Aftergettingdressed,Istartonbreakfast,tryingtoignorethebeautifulcreatureinfrontofmesoIcaneat.
Arestakesasipofhiscoffee.“Ihavetosayit.Iwon’tbeabletoliveinpeaceifIdon’tsayit.”
“What?”
“Pokémon?Really?Ididn’tevenknowPokémonunderwearexisted.”
“It’smyunderwear;nooneissupposedtoseeit.”
“I’veseenit.”Hiseyescatchmine.“I’vetouchedittoo.”
Ialmostchokeonmybreakfast.“Ares…”
“What?”Helooksatmeplayfully.“Oh,you’rerememberingthat,aren’tyou?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“Thenwhyareyoublushing?”
“It’shot.”
Hesmilesmischievouslybutsaysnothing.Ifinisheatingandtakeasipofcoffee,keepingmyeyesanywherebutonhim,eventhoughIcanfeelhisgazeonme.It’smakingmenervousandhyperawareofhowI’mdressed,andeverydetailaboutmethathecanseeanddisapproveof,likemywet,tousledhair.
Aressighs.“Whathappenedlastnight?”
Ilookup,andIfeellikeIcantellhimeverything.WhydoItrusthimafterhebrokemyheart?I’llneverunderstand.
Irunahandthroughmyhair.“Idecidedtotakeashortcut.”
Aresgivesmeadisapprovinglook.
“What?Iwastired,andIthoughtnothingwouldhappen.”
“Theshorter,darkerroadsarenotsomewhereyoushouldbeatthattimeofthenight.”
“NowIknow.Well,Iwalkedunderthebridge,andthreemenwerethere.”
Doyouwantsomething,prettygirl?
Iclenchmyhandsinmylap.“Theytookmyphonefromme,andoneofthem…”
It’sgoingtogorealbadforyou,prettygirl.Theman’swordshauntme.
Aresputshishandonmine.“You’resafenow.”
Itakeadeepbreath.“Twowentawayandleftmewiththethirdone.Hedraggedmeintothedarkandtoldmenottoscream,butIdidandsohehitme.Themanwhocalledyouheardme,andthentheotherguyranaway.”
“Didhedoanythingtoyou?”Ares’seyeshaveaflashofangerthatsurprisesme.“Didhetouchyou?”
Ishakemyhead.“No,thankGod.”
“It’sokay.”Hesqueezesmyhand,andhispalmsaresoft.“You’llbefine.”Hesmilesatme,andforthefirsttimeit’snotasmugormischievoussmile.It’sagenuinesmile,onethathehasn’tshownmebefore.AresHidalgolookssohonestlygratefulthatI’mokaythatIfeelthestupidurgetokisshim.
It’satthismomentthatIrealizethatheandIhaveneverkissedeventhoughwe’vedoneintimatethingstogether.Whyhaveyouneverkissedme?Iwanttoaskhim,butIdon’thavethecourage,notnow.Besides,whatwouldIgainbyaskinghimthat?Especiallyifbeingwithhimisoutoftheequation.
Hehasbeensweetandkind.Hebehavedlikeagentleman,butthatdoesn’tmeanthathiswayofseeingthingshaschanged,normine.Aresstrokesthebackofmyhandwithhisthumb,tracingcircles,andIfeeltheneedtothankhim.“Thankyou,really.Youdidn’thavetodoallthis.Thankyouverymuch,Ares.”
“I’matyourservice,always,Witch.”
Always
Thatmakesmystomachflutterandmyheartbeatfaster.Hereachesoverandtakesmychin.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
Heassessesthebruisedsideofmyface.“Idon’tthinkyouneedtotakeanything,butifyou’reinpain,youcouldtakeananalgesic.Youshouldbefine.”
“Areyouadoctornow?”
Aresgivesasmalllaugh.“Notyet.”
“Notyet?”
“IwanttostudymedicinewhenIfinishhighschool.”
Thatsurprisesme.“Really?”
“Whysosurprised?”
“Ithoughtyou’dstudybusinessorlawlikeyourfatherandbrother.”
“Toworkformyfather’scompany?”
“Ineverimaginedyouasadoctor.”
Youwouldbeabeautifuldoctor,though.
“That’swhateveryonethinks.”Hegrimaces.“I’msuremyparentsandArtemisthinkthesamething.”
“Theydon’tknowthatyouwanttostudymedicine?”
“No,you’rethefirstpersonI’vetold.”
“Why?Whyme?”ThequestionleavesmymouthbeforeIcanstopit.
Areslooksaway.“Idon’tknow.”
Ibitemytonguesoasnottoaskhimanymorequestions.
Hestandsup.“Ishouldgo,IpromisedApoloIwouldtakehimtotheanimalshelter.”
“Totheanimalshelter?”
“Youaskalotofquestions,Raquel.”Hedoesn’tsayitinabadway.“ApolofosterspuppieswhenMomisinagoodmoodandletshim.Ifitwereuptohim,wewouldbeoverrunwithdozensofdogs.”
Ah,thatexplainsthedifferentdoggiesIsometimesseeinthebackyard.
“Apoloisareallysweetboy.”
Aresbecomesserious.“Yes,heis.”
“Couldyougivehimmyregards?”
“Doyoumisssleepingwithhim?”
Andherewego,mischievousAresisback.
“Ares,I’mgoingtoforgetyousaidthatbecauseyou’vebeengoodsofar.”
Goaway,beforeyouruinthemoment,GreekGod.
Aresstartstosaysomethingbutstops.Hefinallysays,“Well,Ihopeyoufeelbettersoon.Ifyouneedanything,letmeknow.”
“I’llbefine.”
Idon’thaveaphonetoletyouknow.
Iwanttosayit,butIdon’twanttosoundneedy.Maybehe’sjustsayingthattobeniceandhedoesn’treallyexpectmeto“lethimknow”aboutanything.
BeforeIcansayanswer,Aresclimbsoutmywindow.
Danidoesn’tblink,doesn’tmove,doesn’tspeak.
I’mnotevensureifshe’sbreathinguntilshestartsaskingmewhathappenedandifI’mokay,sayingthatIneedtofileareport,andreproachingmewhenItellherno.ShesaysthesamethingthatmymomsaidwhenItoldher:thatifIdon’t,thosemencouldattackanothergirl.
Idon’twantanyoneelsetogothroughwhatIwentthrough.
So,withDaniandmymom’ssupport,Idecidetogotothepolicestation.Imakesuretomentionthebridgeinhopesthattheywillbethereagain,andthatthepolicewillfindthembeforetheyfindothervictims.Afterward,MomdropsusoffatDani’shousebecauseshe’sondutyatthehospitalanddoesn’twanttoleavemehomealonetonight.
InthecomfortofDani’sroom,ItellhereverythingthathappenedwithAres.Ittakesherafewminutestotakeitallin.Forher,IjumpedfromstalkingAresfromtheshadowstofightingwithhimoverWi-Fitosuddenlydoingthingswithhim.IblushasIrememberwhatwe’vedone.Wearesittingonherbed,cross-leggedinourpajamas,withabowlofpopcornbetweenus.
“Breathe,Dani.”
Shetakesabreath,lettingoutabigbreathofair,andadjustsherblackhairbehindherears.“ImustadmitthatI’mimpressed.”
“Impressed?”
“Yes,youputhiminhisplacewhenitwasrequired.You’rebrave.I’mreallyproudofyou.”
“It’snobigdeal.”
“Ofcourseitis.Ineverthoughtyou’dhaveanythingtodowithhim,letaloneputhiminhisplace.Bravo!”Sheraisesherhandandgivesmefive.
Igiveherfiveinsecurely.“Itwasn’teasy,Dani.YouknowhowmuchIlikehim.”
“Iknowitwasn’teasy.That’swhyI’mcongratulatingyou,silly.”
Igrabafistfulofpopcorn.“SometimesIcan’tbelieveIeverhadanythingwithhim.He’salwaysbeensooutofmyleague.”IpopasmuchpopcornasIcanintomymouth.
“Ican’tbelieveiteither,”shejokes.“Whoknew?Lifeisunpredictable.”Danieatsherpopcornmoreslowly.
“AlthoughIthinkhe’sstilloutofmyleague.He’snotinterestedinmeforanythingserious;hejustwantstohavefun.Idon’tevenknowifhelikesme.”
Daniclickshertongue.“Hemustlikeyou.He’sphysicallyattractedtoyou,yes,butnoonegetsinvolvedwithsomeonetheydon’tlike,thatwouldn’tmakesense.”
“Buthetoldme,withhisstupid,beautifulface:‘Becauseyoulikeme,butIdon’tlikeyou,’”Irepeatbitterly,tryingtoimitatehisvoice.
“Ifhedidn’tlikeyou,hewouldn’thavetriedanythingwithyou.Nothing.”
“Stop,Dani.”
“Stopwhat?”
“Don’tsaythingslikethat,you’llmakemegetmyhopesupabouthimagain.”
Daniputstwofingerstogetherandslidesthemacrosshermouthlikeazipper.“Well,I’llshutup,then.”
Ithrowpopcornather.“Don’tbeangry.”
Shemakessignswithherhandsasifshecan’tspeak.
“Areyouserious,Dani?”Ithrowapieceofpopcornather,andshecatchesitandeatsit,butshestilldoesn’treply.“Dani…Dani,talktome.”
Sheputsherarmsacrossherchest.“I’mjusttellingyouthetruthandthatbothersyou.Aresishot.He’sgotmoney.He’ssmart,andhecanhaveanygirlathisfeet.And,evenso,you’retellingmethathewouldbewithsomeonehedoesn’tevenlike?So,maybehedoesn’twantanythingserious,buthedoeslikeyou,Raquel.”
“Okay!”
Daniputsherhairoverhershoulderwithasmuggrin.“Nowlet’sgotosleep.Thelastthingwewantistobetiredonthefirstdayofschool.It’sourlastyear,wehavetomakeanimpact.”
“We’realwaysthesame.Weliveinasmalltown,Dani.”
“Youlovetotakethefunoutoflife.”Danigetsupandputsthepopcornbowlonthefloor.
Wesettleintothebedandgetunderthecovers.Turningoffthelamponthebedsidetable,webothsigh.Afterabriefsilence,Ares’sbeautiful,genuinesmileinvadesmymind.
“Stopthinkingabouthim,Raquel,”Danisaysknowingly.
“Noonehasevermademefeelthisway.”
“Iknow.”
“Andithurts.Ithurtsthathedoesn’twanttotakemeseriously.ItmakesmefeellikeI’mnotgoodenough.”
“Butyouare.Don’tlethimmakeyoudoubtthat.Youwererighttopushhimaway,Raquel.Itwouldhavebeenmuchmorepainfullateron.”
Itakealockofmyhairandstartplayingwithit.Danirollsover,andweliethere,facingeachother.“Dani,Ilikehimalot.”
“Youdon’thavetosayit,Iknowyou.”
“ThewayIfeelabouthimmakesmewanttoclingtoanyshredofhope.”
“Don’tcomplicateyourlifebythinkingsomuch.Ifhedoesn’tknowhowtovalueyou,someoneelsewillcomealongwhowill.”
“Doyoureallythinkso?ItsoundssoimpossibletofindsomeonelikeAres.”
“Maybenotsomeonelikehim,butsomeonewhomakesyoufeellikehedoes.”
Idoubtitsomuch.“Well,it’stimetosleep.”
“Goodnight,shorty.”
Shehasalwayscalledmethatbecauseshe’stallerthanme.
“Goodnight,crazygirl.”FIFTEENTheGift
Myfirstdayasaseniorinhighschoolbeginswithbrightsunshineandfreshbreezes.IrubmyeyesasIshuffleinsidethebuilding,andIrealizeit’sgoingtobehardgettingusedtowakingupearlyeverydayagain.Ialreadymisssummervacation,andit’sonlydayone.
ImakemywaythroughtheseaofstudentsinthemainhallwayandrunintoApolo,whoisstandingnexttoalocker.“Apolo!Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Hey,Raquel.”Hesmilesatme.“Igoherenow.”
“You’vechangedschools?HasArestoo?”
Heshakeshishead.“No,he’dneverleavethatschool.Heloveshissoccerteamtoomuch.”
Itrynottoletmydisappointmentshow.
“Oh.Wellthat’sgreatyou’rehere.I—”
Ascreamechoesdownthehallway,interruptingus.
“Raquel,queenofmyheart!”
IturntoseeCarlos,mylong-standingadmirer,andIsmileinspiteofmyself.ItallstartedthedayIdefendedhimfromsomeboyswhowerebullyinghiminthefourthgrade.Sincethen,hehassworneternallovetomealmosteveryday.Ionlyseehimasafriend,andeventhoughI’vemadethatcleartohim,hedoesn’tseemtounderstand.
“Hi,Carlos.”Iwave.Istilllikehim.Evenifhe’salittlecrazy,he’sfun.
“Mybeautifulprincess.”Hetakesmyhandandkissesitdramatically.“Thishasbeenthelongestandmostagonizingsummerforme.”
Apololooksatuswithawhat-the-fuck-is-going-onfacebutsaysnothing.
Carlosturnstohim.“Andwhoareyou?”
“ThisisApolo.He’snew,”Ianswer,freeingmyhand.“Apolo,thisisCarlos,heis…”
“Herfuturehusbandandfatherofherfourchildren,”Carlossaysquickly.
Ihitthebackofhishead.“Itoldyoutostopsayingthingslikethat!Peoplesometimesbelieveit.”
“Haven’tyouheardthatifyoutellalieenoughtimesitbecomestrue?”
Apolochuckles.“Wow,youhaveaverydedicatedadmirer.”
Wesharealaughbeforeheadingofftoourclasses.
Thefirstdayofschoolendsasquicklyasitbegan.Ican’tbelieveI’malreadyinmysenioryear.Goingtocollegeissomethingthatterrifiesmebutatthesametimeexcitesmesomuch.IrushhometofeedRocky,whowon’teat,andthenItakemyclothesoffandthrowtheminthelaundry.Myoldhabitsmakemewanttogoandlookoutmywindow,becausethisisthetimewhenArescomeshomefromschool.Iusedtowatchhimwalkingaroundhisroom.
Nomore,Raquel.
Ilookatmybedandnoticeasmallwhiteboxonit.WhenIreachoverandpickitup,anotefallsout.MyeyeswidenasIseethatit’stheboxforthenewestiPhone.Iquicklycheckthenote.
Soyoudon’twalkaroundwithoutaphone.Takeitasconsolationforeverythingyouhadtogothroughthatnight.
Don’teventhinkaboutgivingitbacktome.
Ares
IlaughsoloudlythatRockylooksatmequizzically.“Areyoucrazy,GreekGod?”Iaskaloud.“You’recompletelycrazy!”
There’snowayIcanacceptthiscellphone;it’stooexpensive.MoneyisdefinitelynotanissueforAres,buthowthehelldidhegetintomyroomwithRockyhere?Ilookatthedog,rememberingthathedidn’twanttoeatwhenIcamein,andIrealizehisbellyisfatandfull.
“Ohno.Rocky.Traitor!”
Rockyputshisheaddownasifadmittinghisguilt.
Ihavetogivethisphoneback,soIputonsomejeansandaT-shirtandheadout.IgoaroundtheblocksoIcangettotheHidalgos’frontdoor,becausethere’snowayI’mgoinginfromtheback.Idon’twanttobemistakenforaburglarandgetshotorwhatever.
Infrontofthehouse,mycouragedwindles.It’sathree-storyhousewithVictorianwindowsandagardenwithafountainattheentrance.It’sasintimidatingashim.Regainingmynerve,Iringthedoorbell.
Aprettygirlwithredhairopensthedoor.Ifitweren’tforheruniform,Iwouldhavethoughtshewaspartofthefamily.“Goodevening,canIhelpyou?”
“Hey.IsAreshere?”
“Yes,who’sasking?”
“Raquel.”
“Allright,Raquel,forsecurityreasonsIcan’tletyouinuntilhetellsme.WillyouwaitformeforasecondwhileIlookforhim?”
“Ofcourse.”
Sheclosesthedoor,andIplaywiththeboxinmyhands.Idon’tthinkitwasagoodideatocomehere.IfArestellsherhedoesn’twanttoseeme,she’llprobablyslamthedoorinmyface.
Afewminuteslater,thegirlreappears.“Youcangoinnow.He’swaitingforyouintheplayroom.”
Playroom?
Ares’shouseisstupidlyluxuriousinside,andI’mnotatallsurprised.Sheleadsmethroughthelivingroomintoalonghallwayandstops.“It’sthethirddoorontheright.”
“Thankyou.”
Idon’tknowwhyI’msuddenlysonervous.I’mgoingtoseeAres.Ifeellikeit’sbeensolong,butit’sreallyonlybeenafewdays.
Justgivehimbackthephone,Raquel.Walkin,givehimthephone,andwalkout.Simple.Easy.
Iknockonthedoorandhearhimshout,“Comein!”
Iopenthedoorandpeekinside.It’sanordinaryplayroomwithapooltable,ahugeTVwithdifferentconsolesunderneathit,andplushfurniture.AresissittingonacouchinfrontoftheTVwithacontrollerforwhatlookslikeaPlayStation4inhishands,playingsomethingwithalotofshooting.He’sshirtlesswithonlyhisschooluniformpantson.Hishairismessyfromtheheadphoneshe’swearing,andhe’sbitinghislipasheplays.
Whythehelldoyouhavetobesohot,Ares?I’veforgottenwhyI’mhere.Iclearmythroat,uncomfortable.
“Guys,I’llberightback,”Aressaysintothemicrophoneconnectedtohisheadset.“Iknow,Iknow,Ihaveaguest.”Heexitsthegameandtakesoffhisheadphones.Hiseyesmeetmine.“Letmeguess.Youcametoreturnthephone?”
Hestandsup,whichmakesmefeelsmall,asusual.Whydoeshehavetobeshirtless?That’snothowyougreetavisitor.
Ifindmyvoice.“Yes.Iappreciatethegesture,butit’stoomuch.”
“It’sagift,andit’srudetorefuseagift.”
“It’snotmybirthdayorChristmas,sothere’snoreasonforagift.”Iholdouttheboxtohim.
“DoyouonlyreceivegiftsonyourbirthdayandChristmas?”
Yes,andsometimesnotevenonthosedates.
“Justtakeit.”
Aresjustlooksatme,anditmakesmewanttorunaway.“Raquel,youhadahorribleexperiencethatnightandlostsomethingyouworkedhardtoget.”
“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“I’mnotanidiot.I’mguessingthatwithyourmother’ssalaryandthebillsshehastopay,shecouldneverhaveboughtthephoneyouhad.Iknowyouboughtityourselfwithyourmoney,withyourhardwork.I’msorryIcouldn’tstopthemfromtakingitawayfromyou,butIcangiveyouanotherone.Letmegiveittoyou.Don’tbeproud.”
“Youareso…difficulttounderstand.”
“SoI’vebeentold.”
“No,I’mserious.Youtellmeyoudon’twantanythingtodowithme,butthenyougoanddonicethingslikethis.Whatareyouplayingat,Ares?”
“I’mnotplayinggames.I’mjustbeingnice.”
“Why?Whyareyoubeingnicetome?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Youneverknowanything.”
“Andyoualwayswanttoknoweverything.”Hisblueeyesstareintenselyatmeasheapproaches.
“I’mbeginningtothinkyouliketoconfuseme.”
Aresgivesmethatsmirkthatsuitshimsowell.“Youconfuseyourself.I’vealwaysbeenclearwithyou.”
“Yes,veryclear,Mr.Kindness.”
“What’swrongwithbeingkind?”
“Thatdoesn’thelpmeforgetyou.”
Aresshrugshisshoulders.“That’snotmyproblem.”
Awaveofragerunsthroughme.“AndherecomesthemoodyAres.”
Aresfurrowshisbrows.“Whatdidyoucallme?”
“Moody.Yourmoodswingsaretooconstant.”
“Ascreativeasever.”Sarcasmflowsthroughhistone.“It’snotmyfaultthatyouliketogivemeaningtoeverything.”
“Everything’salwaysmyfault,isn’tit?”
“God,whyareyousodramatic?”
Theragecontinuestogrowinsideme.“IfI’msuchabothertoyou,thenwhydon’tyouleavemealone?”
Aresraiseshisvoice.“Youcalledme!Youlookedforme!”
“BecauseIdidn’tknowanothernumber!”Aflashofwhatlookslikedisappointmentcrosseshisface,butI’mtooupsettocare.“DoyouthinkIwouldhavecalledyouifI’dhadachoice?”
Heclencheshisfistsathissides,and,beforehecansayanything,Ithrowthephoneboxathim.Hecatchesitinmidair.
“Justtakeyourstupidphoneandleavemealone.”
Aresthrowstheboxonthecabinetandtakeslongstridestowardme.“Youaresoungrateful!Yourmotherdidn’tteachyouanymanners.”
Ipushhisbarechest.“Andyou’reanidiot!”
Arestakesmyarm.“You’recrazy!”
Islaphisarmtofreemyself.“Unstable!”Iturnmybackandlungeatthedoorknob,buthegrabsmyarmagain,makingmefacehim.“Letmego!Letmego!”
Hissoftlipspressclosetomine.
Andthere,inhisplayroom,AresHidalgokissesme.SIXTEENTheKiss
IwouldliketosaythatIdidn’tkisshimback,orthatIpushedhimawayandranfromhim.Butthemomenthissoftlipstouchmine,Iloseallsenseoftime,place,space.Iloseallrationality.
Ikisshimbackinstantly.Hiskissisnotgentleorromantic;itisdemanding,passionate,andpossessive.Hekissesmeasifhewantstodevourme,anditfeelsincredible.Hetakesmyfaceinhishands,deepeningthekiss.Ourlipsmoveinsync,histonguetemptingandbrushing.Ourbreathsquicken,andIfeellikeIcouldpassoutatanymomentfromtheintensityofthiskiss.
Imeltinhisarms.
Ineverthoughtanyonecouldmakemefeelthisway.Mywholebodyiselectrified,bloodrushingquicklythroughmyveins.Arespressesmybodyagainsthis,stealingasmallmoanfrommethatgetscaughtinhismouth.Hislipsmoveaggressivelyagainstmine,histongueinvadingmymouth,sendingshiversofpleasurethroughoutmybody.
Aresliftsmeup,andIimmediatelywrapmylegsaroundhiswaist.IgaspasIfeelhowhardheisagainstme.Hedoesn’tstopkissingmeforasinglesecondashecarriesmeovertothecouch.
Heslowlylaysmedownandclimbsontopofme.Irunmyhandsoverhisdefinedchestanddownhisabdomen,feelingeverymuscle.He’ssofuckingsexy.Heslipshishandundermyshirttotouchmybreastsandamoanofappreciationescapesme.I’mtooturnedontothinkofanything.Ijustwanttofeelhim,allofhim,againstme.
Aresmovesaway,kneelingbetweenmylegs,andunbuttonsmypantswithimpressiveagility.Seeinghimlikethisinfrontofme—hisblueeyesshiningwithdesire,undressingme—takesmybreathaway.Ifeelsurprisinglycomfortablewithhimasheremovesmypants,tossingthemaside,andreturnshismouthtomine.
Herunshishandsdownmybarelegsandmoans.“You’redrivingmecrazy.”
Ibitehislowerlipinresponse.IwanthimlikeI’veneverwantedanyonebeforeinmylife.Myrationalsidegoesonvacationandhormonestakeover.Desperately,Igrabthebuttonofhispantstotakethemoff.Hestandsupandletshispantsfalltotheflooralongwithhisunderwear.
God,he’snakedandhisbodyisperfect.Everymuscle,everytattoo…everythingabouthimisperfect.Hislipsareswollenfromkissing,andIimagineminemustbethesame.Hehoversovermeagain,kissingmeleisurely,wetkissesfullofpassionanddesirethatbringmetotheedge.Hishandtravelsinsidemypanties,andhemoansagainintomymouth.It’sthemostexcitingsoundintheworld.
“Ilovehowwetyouareforme.”
IcanfeelhowhardheisagainstmythighandI’mdyingtofeelhimsomewhereelse.Hisfingersfindthatnerve-filledspotandcaressitincircles.Iarchmyback,panting.
“OhGod,Ares!Please.”Iwanthim,that’sallmymindcanthinkof.Ineedmore.
Asifreadingmymind,Aresliftsmyshirt,freeingmybreasts,attackingthemwithhistongue,massagingthemwithhisfreehand.Thisistoomuch.
Wantingmore,Itakehiminmyhand,and,forasecond,itscaresmehowbigheis,butmydesireoverwhelmsmyfear.“Ares,please.”Idon’tevenknowwhatI’maskingfor.
Aresraiseshimselfjustaninchfromme,hiseyespiercingmine,hisfingersstillmovinginsidemypanties.“Doyouwantmetofuckyou?”Icanonlynod,andhelicksmylowerlip.“Doyouwanttofeelmeinsideyou?Sayit.”
Ibitemylowerlipashisfingersdrivemeinsane.“Yes…please…Iwanttofeelyouinsideme.”
Heleansbackandreachesforsomethinginhispants,andIwatchhimpulloutacondomandrolliton.
OhGod,I’mreallygoingtodothis.I’mgoingtolosemyvirginitytoAresHidalgo.
Inseconds,he’sontopofme,inbetweenmylegs,andawaveoffearsweepsthroughme,buthekissesmepassionately,takingitaway,andmakingmeforgeteverything.Hepositionshimselfandleansbackfromme,lookingintomyeyes.
“Areyousure?”
Ilickmylipsnervously.“Yes.”
AreskissesmeandIclosemyeyes,losingmyselfinhissoft,richlips.ButthenIfeelhimslowlypenetrateme.Imoaninpainandtearsfillmyeyes.“Ares,ithurts.”
Heleavesshortkissesallovermyface.“Iknow.It’sokay;it’llpass.”
HesinksintomealittlefurtherandIarchmyback.Ifeelsomethinginsidemebreakandthenhefillsmecompletely.Tearsrolldownthesidesofmyface.
“Kissme,”hesays.
He’sinsideme,buthedoesn’tmove.Hiskissesarewet,passionate,whilehishandstouchmybreastsgently,distractingme,bringingexcitementbacktomyachingbody.
Hedoesn’thurrytomove,heonlyfocusesonexcitingmeevenmore,tempting,kissing,bitingmylips,myneck,mybreasts.Thepainisstillthere,butit’slesseningandonlytheburningdiscomfortofsomethingthathasbrokenremains.Ineedmore,Ineedsomething,andIneedhimtomove.Iamsoreadyforhimtomove.
“Ares,”Igasp.
AsifheknowswhatIwant,hestartstomoveslowly.Thefrictionburnsalittle,butI’msowetthatitstartstofeeldelicious.OhGod,thesensationovercomesme,I’veneverfeltsogoodinmyentirelife.
SuddenlyIwanthimtogofaster,deeper.IputmyhandsaroundhisneckandkisshimwitheverythingIhave,moaningandfeelinghimperfectlyhardinsideme.“Ares!OhGod,Ares,faster.”
Aressmilesatmylips.“Youwantitfaster,huh?Doyoulikeit?”
Hethrustsintomedeeplybeforehestartsmovingfaster.
“OhmyGod!”
“Raquel,”hemurmursinmyearasIclingtohisback.“Doyoulikefeelingmelikethis,allinsideyou?”
“Yes!”IcanfeeltheorgasmcomingandImoansoloudlythatAreskissesmetosilenceit.Suddenly,mybodyexplodes,waveafterwaveofpleasureinvadingeverypartofme.
Aresmoanswithmeandhismovementsbecomeclumsyandevenfaster.Hecomesandfallsontopofme.Ourquickenedbreathingechoesthroughouttheroom.Ourheartbeatscanbeclearlyfeltthroughourgluedchests.Asthelasttracesoforgasmleaveme,clarityreturns.
OhmyGod!IjusthadsexwithAres.Ijustlostmyvirginity.
Aresuseshishandstohoisthimselfupandgivesmeashortkiss,pullingoutofme.Itburnsalittle,butit’snothingIcan’thandle.Iseetracesofbloodonthecondom,andIlookaway,sittingup.Hetakesthecondomandthrowsitinthetrashandthenputsonhispantsandhandsmemyclothes.Hesitsonthearmofthecouchandjustlooksatmewithoutspeaking.Hedoesn’ttalktome,doesn’tsaynicethingstome,doesn’tevenhugme…nothing.It’slikehe’simpatientformetoleave.
Thesilenceistoouncomfortable,soIgetdressedasquicklyasIcan.Istandupandwince.
“Areyouokay?”
Inodmyhead.Ares’seyeslandonthecouchbehindmeandIfollowhisgaze.There’sasmallbutnoticeablebloodstain.Aresseemstopickuponmyembarrassment.
“Don’tworry,I’llhaveitwashed.”
Itwistmyhandsinfrontofme.“I-Ishouldgo.”
Hedoesn’tobject;hedoesn’tsay“don’tgo”or“whyareyouleaving?”Hedoesn’tsayanythingatall,soIstartwalkingtowardthedoor.Myheartisinmythroat,andIfeellikecrying,butIwon’tletthetearsforminmyeyes.Igrabthedoorknob,andhesuddenlyspeaks.
“Wait!”
Hopekindlesinme,butitshattersrightawaywhenIseehimwalkingtowardmewiththephoneboxinhishand.
“Pleaseacceptit.”
Andthatgesturemakesmefeelevenworse,likehe’spayingmebackforwhatjusthappened.Unrulytearsfillmyeyes,andIcan’tspeak.Iopenthedoorandhurryout.
“Raquel!Hey!Don’tgolikethat!Raquel!”Ihearhimshoutingbehindme.
BeforeIknowit,I’mrunningtotheexit.Ibumpintotheredheadedgirlagain,butIignoreherandcontinueonmyway.
Outonthestreet,tearsrundownmycheeks.IknowI’mresponsibleforwhatjusthappened.Hedidn’tmakemedoit,butthatdoesn’tmakemefeelanybetter.
Ialwaysthoughtthatmyfirsttimewouldbemagical,aspecialmoment,thattheguyIwaswithwouldvalueandappreciateit,thathewouldatleasthavefeelingsforme.ThesexwaswonderfulandincreasedmyfeelingsforAres,butthismeantnothingtohim.Itwasjustsex.
Andhewarnedme,hetoldmeclearlywhathewanted,butIwasstupidandgavehimwhatwasmostprecioustome.Ikeeprunninguntilmylungsburn.WhenIgethome,Ithrowmyselfonmybedandcryinconsolably.SEVENTEENTheMessage
“Nutella?”
“No.”
“Strawberrieswithcream?”
Ishakemyhead.“No.”
“Icecream?”
“No.”
“Iknow,howaboutallofthem?Icecream,strawberries,andNutella?”
Ijustshakemyheadagain,andYoshiadjustshisglasses.
“Igiveup.”
We’realoneinanemptyclassroom.Thelastclassjustended,andYoshiistryingtocheermeup.It’sFriday,andI’vespenttheweekdraggingmyselfaroundschool.Ihaven’thadthecouragetotellanyonewhathappened,notevenDani.I’msodisappointedinmyself.Idon’tthinkI’mcapableoftalkingaboutityet.
“Comeon,Rochi.Whateverhappened,don’tletitbringyoudown.Fight,”headvisesme,caressingmycheek.
“Idon’twantto.”
“Let’sgogetsomeicecream.Giveitatry,okay?”Hisprettyeyespleadwithmefrombehindhisglasses,andIcan’tsaynotohim.He’sright.Ican’tdoanythingtoturnbacktime.
Yoshiextendshishandtome.“Shallwego?”
Ismileathimandtakehishand.“Let’sgo.”
Webuyicecreamandsitinthetownsquare.It’sabeautifulday.Eventhoughit’safterfouro’clock,thesunisstillshiningasifitwerenoon.
“Rememberwhenweusedtocomehereeveryafternoonafterelementaryschool?”Yoshiasks.
Ismileatthememory.“Yeah,webecamefriendswiththeladywhosoldcandy.”
“Andshegaveusfreeones.”
Ilaugh,rememberingourcheeksfilledwithsweets.Yoshilaughswithme.
“That’sthewayIlikeit.Youlookprettiersmiling.”
Iraiseaneyebrow.“AreyouadmittingthatI’mpretty?”
“Moreorless,maybewithafewdrinksinmeIwouldtrytowinyouover.”
“Onlywithafewdrinks?Nah!”
“WhataboutDani?Ihaven’tseenheratschool,”hesaysasheeatsaspoonfuloficecream.
“That’sbecauseshe’smissedtwodays.She’shelpinghermotherwithaprojectattheagency.”
Dani’smomrunsaveryprestigiousmodelingagency.She’satotalbadass.ShestartedherownbusinesswhenDaniwasakid,andithasonlygrownsince.Nowhermodelingagencyisoneofthemostimportantinthestate.Dani’sdadontheotherhandismoreofarelaxedandgo-with-the-flowtype.He’sacollegeprofessorintheartdepartmentatanearbycommunitycollege.IfeellikeDanigotagoodcombinationofbothherparents’personalities.She’sfiercelikehermom,butalsoempatheticandrelaxedlikeherfather.
Yoshishakeshishead.“It’sthefirstweekofschool,andshe’salreadymissingclasses,typicalDani.”
“It’sgoodthatshe’ssmartandcancatchupsuperfast.”
“Yeah.”
Lickingmyicecream,InoticeYoshistaringatmeasifwaitingforsomething.
“Rochi,youknowyoucantrustme?”heasks,andIknowwherethisisgoing.“Youdon’thavetodealwiththingsalone.”
Iexhalesadly.“Iknow,it’sjust…I’msodisappointedinmyself,andIdon’twanttodisappointanyoneelse.”
“Youcouldneverdisappointme.”
“Don’tbesosure.”
Hiseyeslookatmeexpectantly.“Trustme.Maybetalkingaboutitwillhelpyoufeelalittlebetter.”
There’snoeasywaytosayit,soIjustsayit,straightout.“Ilostmyvirginity.”
“What?”Yoshialmostspitshisicecreaminmyface.“You’rekidding,right?”
Itightenmylips.“No.”
“How?When?Withwho?Shit,Raquel!”Indecipherableexpressionscrosshisface.Hegetsupandthrowshisicecreamaside.“Shit!”
Peoplearestartingtostare,soIgetupandtrytocalmhimdown.“Yoshi,it’sokay.”
“Withwho?”Hisfaceisred,theveinsvisibleinhisneckandforehead.“Youdon’tevenhaveaboyfriend.Tellmewhoitwas!”
“Keepyourvoicedown!”
Yoshigrabshisheadandturnshisbackonmetokickatrashcan.Okay,thatwasn’tthereactionIwasexpecting.
“Yoshi,you’reoverreacting.Calmdown.”
Herunsahandoverhisfaceandturnstome.“Tellmewhoheis,soIcanbeatthehelloutofhim.”
“Thisisnotthetimetoactlikethejealous,overprotectivebigbrother.”
Helaughssarcastically.“Bigbrother?Youthinkthisisthereactionofabigbrother?You’resofuckingblind.”
“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”
Helooksatmeandathousandthingsseemtobegoingthroughhismind.“You’reblind,”hesaysinawhisper.“Ineedtogetsomeair.I’llseeyouaround.”
Andhe’sgone,justlikethat,leavingmespeechless.Meltedicecreamrollsdownthewaffleconeinmyhandanddripstotheground.Whatthefuckjusthappened?
Tiredandconfused,Iheadhome.
It’sSaturday,andit’smyturntoclean.
Grumbling,Irefertotheto-dolistmymothergaveme.I’vealmostdoneeverything,onlymyroomisleft,soIturnonmycomputerandplaymusictomotivatemetotidyup.IopenmyFacebookandleaveitopenbecause,nowthatIdon’thaveaphone,it’sbecomemyonlymeansofcommunication.
I’mlisteningto“TheHeartWantsWhatItWants”bySelenaGomezwhileItidyupmymess.Ipickuptheairconditionercontrolanduseitasamicrophonetosingthewords.Rockyturnshisheadtotheside,andIkneelinfrontofhim,singingtohim.
“You’recrazy!”mymothershoutsfromthedoor.“That’swhyittakesyousolongtocleanup!Youhavethepoordogtraumatized.”
“Youalwaysruinmyinspiration,”Imutter,gettingup.“Rockyisdelightedwithmyvoice.”
“Hurryupandgetyourdirtyclothesandbringthemtome,I’mgoingtodothelaundrytoday,”sheorders,beforeleaving.
Pouting,IlookatRocky.“Shestilldoesn’trecognizemytalent.”
“Raquel!”Momyellsatmefromthestairs.
“I’mcoming!”
AfterIbringhermyclothesandfinishwithmyroom,Isitdowninfrontofthecomputer.IgotomyFacebookmessages,andI’msurprisedtofindamessagefromDaniandonefromAres.HeandIaren’tfriendsonFacebook,butIknowhecanstillmessageme.Mystupidheartracesandmystomachfillswithbutterflies.Ican’tbelievehestillhasthateffectonmedespitewhathappened.
Iopenhismessage,nervous.
Ares:Witch.
Really?Whosayshellolikethat?Justhim.Curioustoknowwhathehastosay,Ianswercurtly.
Me:What?
Hetakesawhile,andIgetmoreandmoreanxious.
Ares:Stopbymyhousewhenyoucan.
Sohecanusemeagain?No,thankyou,Iwanttowriteback,butIdon’twanttogivehimthepleasureofknowinghowbadhemademefeel.
Me:You’recrazy.WhywouldIdothat?
Ares:Youleftsomethinghere.
Me:ItoldyouIdon’twantthephone.
Aressendsaphoto.
WhenIopenit,it’sapictureofhishandholdingthesilverchainmymomgavemewhenIwasnineyearsold.Ithasapendantwithmynameonit.Instinctively,myhandgoesuptomynecktoconfirmthatIdon’thaveit.Ihavenevertakenitoff.HowdidInotrealizethatIdidn’thaveit?MaybeIwastoobusywithmypostdefloweringspite.
ThethoughtofseeingAresfillsmewithbothrageandexcitement.Thatjerkhasspreadhisinstabilitytome.Regainingabitofmydignity,Itypeareply.
Me:YoucansendittoschoolwithApoloonMonday.
Ares:Areyouafraidtoseeme?
Me:Idon’twanttoseeyou.
Ares:Liar.
Me:Thinkwhatyouwant.
Ares:Whyareyouangry?
Me:Andyoudaretoask.JustsenditwithApoloandleavemealone.
Ares:Idon’tunderstandyouranger,webothknowhowmuchyoulikedit.Irememberyourmoansclearly.
Iblushandlookaway.Ifeelstupidbecausehecan’tseeme.
Me:Ares,Idon’twanttotalktoyou.
Ares:You’regoingtobemineagain,Witch.
Asinfulshiverrunsthroughme.No,no,Raquel,don’tfall.Idon’tanswerhimandleavehimonseen.Hewritesagain.
Ares:Ifyouwantyourchain,comeandgetit.I’mnotgoingtosenditviaanyone.I’llwaitforyouhere,bye.
Igrowlinfrustration.IfMomfindsoutIlostthatnecklace,she’llkillme.Aftershoweringandputtingonacasualfloralprintsummerdress,Igotorescuemychain.IhavemystrategylaidoutsoIwon’tfallforhisgames.Iwon’tevengointohishouse.I’llwaitforhimtobringthechainoutside.
ProjectChainRescueWithoutLosingMyDignityAlongtheWay:activated.EIGHTEENTheParty
Ican’tbelieveI’mbackattheHidalgos’,andithasn’tevenbeenaweek.Inmydefense,ifMomfindsoutthatIdon’thavethechain,she’llbesoupsetwithmethatshewillforcemetowatchallthenighttimesoapoperaswithher.Puretorture,Iknow.
Takingadeepbreath,Iringthedoorbell.Thered-hairedgirlopensthedoor,lookingalittleagitated.
“Goodafternoon,”shesays,adjustingtheskirtofheruniform.
“IsAreshere?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”Shestepsasideandgesturesformetofollow.“Thepartyisinthebackbythepool,comein.”
Party?
Sheguidesmethroughthehallwayuntilwereachthepool,whichisinsidethehouse.Icanseesteamrisingoffthebluewater—itmustbeheated—andthepoollightsmakethewaterglowinacoolway.Therearemorelightsandtorchesallaroundtheroom,givingitatropical,beachyvibe.Iguessthisiswhatyougettoenjoywhenyou’rerich.
AssoonasIsetfootinthere,everyone’seyesturntome,andIfeelsuperuncomfortable.IlookaroundforAres.He’sinthepoolwithagirlonhisshouldersfacinganothercoupleinthesameposition.They’rehavingawaterfight.Ican’thelpfeelingjealousofthegirlwithAres.She’sveryprettyandhasadazzlingsmile.Aresturnstoseewhateveryoneislookingat,andoureyesmeet.Hedoesn’tlooksurprised.Helookspleased.
Helookssogoodallwet.No,focus,Raquel.Arescontinueshisgameasifnothinghappened.IstandthereawkwardlyuntilApolowalksuptogreetme.
“Welcome,”hesayswithasmile.“TheseareallAres’sclassmates,butIknowthemtoo.”Hetakesmeovertoagroupofthreeboys,andIrecognizeoneofthemastheguyIbumpedintowhenIwasspyingonAresatsoccerpractice.
“Raquel,thisisMarco,Gregory,andLuis,”Apolointroducesthem,pointingateachboyrespectively.
“Ha!Payme!”saysLuis,theblondone.“ItoldyousomeonefromApolo’snewschoolwouldcome.”
Gregorygrunts.“Oh,Ican’tbelieveit.”HetakesafewbillsoutofhispocketandpassesthemtoLuis.
Marco,thedark-hairedboyfrompractice,saysnothing,justglancingatmebywayofgreeting.
Apologrimaces.“Yourbetssuck.I’llberightback,Raquel,makeyourselfcomfortable.”
Gregorypointsatmewithhisfinger.“Iwouldwelcomeyou,butyoujustmademelosemoney.”
“Don’tbeasoreloser,”LuissaystoGregorywhilegivingmeasmile.“Welcome,Raquel,haveaseat.”
Ican’tdenythatthey’reveryattractive.Iwouldneverhaveimaginedsittingwithguysliketheminmylife.Buttheydon’tseemtobetooobnoxioussofar.MyeyeswandertothepoolasthegirlonAres’sshouldersfallsintothewater,pullingAresdownwithher.Theyemergefromthewater,smilingateachother,andshegiveshimaquickkissonthecheek.
Ouch!
Icanalmosthearmyheartbreaking.
And,foronce,Ifindmyselfatacrossroads.
Ihavealwayssaidthatlifeisaboutchoices,goodandbad,andI’vemadeboth.Infrontofme,Ihavetwo:
1.Turnaroundandwalkawaywithmyheaddown.
2.Stay,getmynecklaceback,andmaybehaveagoodtimewithAres’sfriends.ShowhimthatI’mokayandthatIdon’tcareabouthim.
Andifhecanactlikenothinghashappened,thensocanI.Ineedtoregainmydignity;Ineedtodosomethingtostopfeelinglikealovesickgirl.SoIswallowmyheartand,withabigsmile,sitdownnexttoMarco,theonewhohasn’tspokensofar.
“Doyouwantabeer?”Luisasksme,andInod,thankinghimwhenhepassesittome.
Gregoryraiseshisbottle.“Let’sdrinktothefactthattheonlyfriendApolohasmadeatschoolispretty.”
Luisraiseshis.“Yeah,IhavetosayIamimpressed.”
Blushing,Iclinkmybottlewiththeirs.ThetwoboyslookatMarco,buthedoesn’tmoveaninch.Luislooksaway.
“Let’sdrinkwithouthim.He’sgrumpylikeAres.Nowonderthey’rebestfriends,”saysGregory.
Wetoastandcontinuedrinking.WhenMarcostandsup,he’salmostastallasAres,andhe’sshirtless.Myeyeshavenoshameandtraveldownhischesttohisabdomen.TheVirginofAbdominalshasbeenverygeneroustotheseguys.Myeyesfollowhismovementsashedivesintothepool.
“He’shot,isn’the?”Luisasksplayfully.
FunanddaringRaquelsurfaces.“Yeah,he’sprettyhot.”
“Oh,Ilikeher.”Gregorygivesmefive.“She’shonest.”
Iraisemybeertothemwithasmirk.Wetalkabit,andIrealizethatthey’renotthepretentiousguysIthoughttheymightbe,nordotheythinkthey’resuperiortoanyoneelse.They’reverypolite.Luisisafunguywhomakessomethingcrazyoutofeverythingandmakesyoulaugh,whileGregoryismoreintotellinginterestingstories.
Andforamoment,whiletalkingwiththem,IcompletelyforgetaboutAres.Theymakemerealizethattherearemoremenintheworldandit’spossibletogetoverhim.Yes,therecouldbeaguyoutthereformewhoiscuterthanheis,withabetterheart.Idon’thavetogetstuckwiththatstupid,sexyGreekgod
Idon’tevenbothertolookaroundtoseewhereheisorwhathe’sdoing.SomeoneputsonasongthatIreallylike,andIgetupfrommychair,dancing.LuisandGregoryfollowmylead,dancingandthrowingtheirhandsintheaironthespot.Gregoryslipsandalmostfalls,andwecrackup.Welaughsohardthateveryonelooksatus.Inoticethatpeoplearestaring,butIdon’tpayattentiontothem.Ihavetoadmitthatthealcoholishavinganeffect.Ifeelfreerandmoreconfidentwhenwesitdownagain.
“Confessiontime,Raquel,”Luisstartsin,amused.
Marcoreturnstothetable,hiswethairdrippingonhisfaceandlap,andtakesalongsipofhisbeer.
Luisignoreshimandcontinues.“Doyouhaveaboyfriend?”
Achuckleleavesmylips.“Nope.”
Gregorywiggleshiseyebrows.“Wouldyouliketohaveone?”
“Ohhhh.”Luissnorts.“Apparentlyyouhaveanadmirer.”
“Flirtingsosoon,Gregory?”Itease.
Marcoclearshisthroatandwealllookathim.Whenhespeaks,hisexpressionisserious.“Don’twasteyourtime.She’swithAres.”
Myjawdrops.What?
Gregorypouts.“Ugh!It’ssounfair.”
Offended,IlookMarcostraightintheeye.“I’mnotwithanyone.Ihavenothingtodowithhim.”
“Ofcourse,”hereplies,sarcasmevidentinhistone.
“Whatisyourproblem?Whydoyouhatemeifyoudon’tevenknowme?”
“Idon’thaveaproblemwithyou,I’mjustwarningtheguys.”
“Youhavenothingtowarnthemabout.ThereisnothingbetweenAresandme.”
Luisintervenes.“Thegirlsaidso,Marco,andIbelieveher.”
Gregoryraiseshisbeertome.“Whydon’tyouproveit?”
Frowning,Iask,“How?”
Gregoryholdshischin,thinking.“Danceforme.”
Marcolaughsvictoriously.“Sheneverwill.”
Iopenmymouthtoprotest,andmyeyesgotothepool.Aresisstillinthewaterwiththegirlhangingonhisback,laughing.I’vebeenhereforoveranhourandhehasn’tevencomeouttogreetme.Andhe’sgotthatgirlattachedtohim.
Theboysfollowmygaze,andLuisgroansindefeat.“Itcan’tbe.Sheturnedtolookathim.Marcoisright.”
Istandup,determinedtoprovethemwrong.“No,he’snot.”
ItakeafewstepstowardGregory,andhelooksatmewithexcitement.“Willyoudanceforme?”
ButhisexpressionfallswhenIpassbyhim.InfrontofMarco,myconfidencewavers,buthisgazeisfullofit.It’sasifhe’stellingmethathe’ssureI’mnotcapableofthis.Iignoretheprotestsofmyembarrassedconscienceandbegintomovemyhipsinfrontofhim.Heleansbacktogetmorecomfortable,acceptingthechallenge.
Imagineyou’redancinginfrontofthemirror,Raquel.
Iletthemusicflowthroughmeandrunmyhandsdownmybody,pausingforamomentonmybreastsandthengoingdownthecurveofmywaist.Marco’seyesfollowmymovements.IrememberhowmuchpowerIheldoverAreswhenIdancedforhim,andthatgivesmemorestrength.
IrunmyhandsbackupovermybreastsasIswaytothemusic.Marcotakesasipofhisbeerwithouttakinghiseyesoffme.Iturnmybacktohimandsitonhislap,movingagainsthim,feelinghiswetbodysoakingthebackofmydress.Thefrictionfeelssogood.Pressingmyselfagainsthim,Icanfeelhowhardheis.Thatwasfast.Ileanback,almostlyingontopofhimtomurmurinhisear
“IfIhadathingforhim,Iwouldn’tturnhisbestfriendon,wouldI?”
Igetupandcanfeelmyheartbeatingrapidlyinsidemychest.Sayingthethreeboysarespeechlessisanunderstatement.Theirfacesarepriceless.I’mabouttoturntofaceMarcowhenAresappears,walkingtowardme,lookingextremelyangry.It’slikethatnighthecameintomyroomlookingforApolo,butthistimeit’sforverydifferentreasons.
Hestopsrightinfrontofme.“CanItalktoyouforasecond?”
I’mquestioningwhethertosayno,butIdon’twanttomakeasceneinfrontofallthesepeople,soIfollowhimintotheplayroom.Iclosethedoorbehindme,andhepouncesonmeinstantly,takingmyfaceinhishands,pressinghislipstomine.Myheartmeltsatthewarmsensationofhislips,butIwon’tmakethesamemistaketwice.IpushhimawaywithallthestrengthIhave.
“Don’teventhinkaboutit!”
Areslooksupset.HisredfaceremindsmeofYoshi’sreactionwhenItoldhimIhadlostmyvirginity.Ishejealous?
“Whatthehelldoyouthinkyou’redoing,Raquel?”
“WhateverI’mdoingisnoneofyourdamnbusiness.”
“Areyoutryingtomakemejealous?Isthatwhatyou’replayingat?”Heapproachesmeagain,andIstepback.
“Theworlddoesn’trevolvearoundyou.”Ishrugmyshoulders.“Iwasjusthavingfun.”
“Withmybestfriend?”Hetakesmychinbetweenhisfingers,hiseyespiercingmine.“Fivedaysafterwhathappenedinthisroom?”
Inevitably,Iblush.“So?Youwerehavingfunwiththatgirlinthepool.”
Hepresseshishandonthewallnexttomyhead.“Isthatwhatthisisabout?IfIdoit,youdoit?”
“No,andIdon’tevenknowwhywe’rehavingthisconversation.Idon’toweyouexplanations.Idon’toweyouanything.”
Aresrunshisthumbacrossmylowerlip.“Isthatwhatyouthink?It’snotcleartoyou,huh?”Heslamshisotherhandagainstthewall,trappingmebetweenhisarms.“You’remine.Onlymine.”
Hiswordsignitehopeinmeagain,butIpushitaway.“Iamnotyours.”
Hepressesmeagainstthewallwithhisbody,hisgazeneverleavingmine.“Yes,youare.Theonlyoneyoucandanceforinthatwayisme,onlyme.Gotit?”
Ishakemyheaddefiantly.
“Whyareyousostubborn?Youknowverywellthattheonlyoneyouwantinsideyouisme,nooneelse.”
Fightingmyhormones,Ipushhimagain.Iwon’tshowhimhowmuchheaffectsme.He’shurtmeenough.
“I’mnotyours,”Isaywithdetermination.“AndIwon’teverbe,Idon’tlikeidiotslikeyou.”
Lies,lies.
Aresgivesmethatsmirkthatannoysmesomuch.“Ohyeah?That’snotwhatyousaidthatdayinthisexactroom,remember?”
Ican’tbelievehe’sbringingthatuplikethis.Ifeeltheneedtohurthim.“Thetruthis,Idon’trememberitverywell.Itwasn’tthatgood.”
Arestakesastepback,thehaughtinessonhisfacereplacedbyapainedexpression.“Liar.”
“Thinkwhatyouwant,”IsaywithallthecontemptIcanmuster.“Ionlycametogetmynecklace.Otherwise,believeme,Iwouldn’tbehere.GivememynecklacesoIcanleave.”
Aresstaresatmewithanintensitythatleavesmedefenseless.Idon’tknowhowIgatherthestrengthnottothrowmyselfintohisarms.Helookssohandsome:hisnakedtorso,allwet,andhisblackhairstucktothesidesofhisface.
Helookslikeafallenangel—beautifulbutcapableofdoingsomuchdamage.
Aresturnsaround,andIstrugglenottolookathisass.Hereachesforsomethingononeofthetablesbehindthecouchandwalksbacktomewiththenecklaceinhishands.“Justansweronequestion,andI’llgiveittoyou.”
“Whatever.Let’sjustgetitoverwith.”
Herunshishandthroughhiswethair.“Whyareyousoangrywithme?YouknewwhatIwanted,Ineverliedtoyou.Inevertrickedyoutogetit.Sowhytheanger?”
Ilookdownwithmyheartinmymouth.“BecauseI…”Ilaughoutofnervousness.“Iwasexpectingmore,Ithoughtthat…”
“That,ifwehadsex,Iwouldlikeyouandtakeyouseriously?”
Hisbluntwordshurt,butthey’retrue,soIjustgivehimaruefulsmile.“Yeah,I’manidiot,Iknow.”
Aresdoesn’tseemsurprisedbymyconfession.“Raquel,I…”
“What’sgoingon?”theredheadedgirlasksassheenterstheroom,surprisingbothofus.
It’sgoingtobealongnight.NINETEENTheGirl
Mydignityisgratefulthathismaidshowedupandsparedmethispainfulconversation,butmyheartisdyingtoknowwhatAreswasgoingtosaybeforesheinterruptedhim.
Washegoingtobreakmyheartagain?Orwashegoingtosaysomethingelse?
“Nothingishappening,Claudia,”Aresanswershersharply.Hehandsmemynecklacebeforeleavingtheroom.
IsmileatherasIfollowhimout.Ishiverandblameitonmydress,becauseit’salittlewet.Aresisleaningagainstthewallinthelivingroom,hisarmsfoldedacrosshischest.Hiseyesmeetmine,andIstruggletofigureouthiscoldexpressionwithoutanysuccess.MygazefallsonApolo,whoissittingonthecouch,usinghisphone.
I’mabouttogositbesidehimwhenthegirlwhowaswithAresinthepoolcomesoutofthekitchen,carryingwhatlookslikeasandwich.Herwethairlooksdarkandhereyesareblackasnight.Shehasadelicate,prettyface,andherbodyiswellproportioned.She’swearingasee-throughbeachdresswithherbathingsuitunderneath,andshewalkswithconfidence.She’shot,andsheknowsit.
HereyesturntoAreswhenshespeaks.“Imadeyouone.Chickenandham.”
“Thankyou.I’mstarving,andit’lltakeawhileforthebarbecuetobeready.”Aressmilesather,andjustwhenIthinkmyheartcan’tbreakanymore,itdoes.Theylooksocomfortablewitheachother.
Thegirlturnstowardmeandhereyebrowsknittogether.“Oh,hi,Ididn’tseeyouthere.”
Apolointroducesus.“Samy,thisisRaquel,ourneighbor.”
Samyoffersmeherhand,andItakeit.“Nicetomeetyou,Raquel.”
“Likewise,”Isay.
Shesmiles.“Readyforthepool?”
“No,actually,Iwasjustleaving.”
“No,stay!I’mdyingtoknowmoreaboutthegirlwho’sbeenaneighbortothesefoolsallherlife.”Shegrabsmeanddrapesherarmovermyshoulder,givingmeahalfhug.“Ican’tbelieveInevermetyouuntilnow.”
Everyoneiswaitingformetorespond.Ican’tstayhere,notagain.ButApolowaitsanxiouslyformyanswer,andhelooksvulnerable,soIdecidetostayforhim.
“Allright,justalittlewhilelonger.”
Wegobacktothepool,andmyeyestravelovertowhereAres’sfriendsaresitting.Aresmovesnexttometowhisperinmyear.“Stayawayfromhim.”
Iknowhe’sreferringtoMarco.“Idon’thavetodowhatyousay.”
“Pooltime!”Samyshouts,takingoffherdress.Shedivesintothewater,splashingusall,andItakeastepback.Apolofollowsherleadandtakesoffhisshirt,divinginafterher.
Samyemergesfromthewater.“Comeon,Ares!Whatareyouwaitingfor?”
Istareathimlikeafool,atthoselipsthathavekissedmesodeliciously,thatabdomenthatItouchedwhilehewastakingmyinnocence,thatbackthatIclungtowhilefeelinghiminsideme.ForGod’ssake,Raquel!Thebloodflowstomyface.IfeelmycheeksburnandIlookaway.
“You’rered.”Areslaughs.“Whatareyouthinking?”
“Nothing,”Isayquickly.
Icanhearthearroganceinhisvoice.“Orwereyourememberingsomething?”
“Raquel!”Gregorycallstomefromthetable,beckoningmeover.
“I’mcoming!”
IonlymanagetotakeastepbeforeAresgrabsmyarm.“Itoldyoutostayawayfromhim.”
“AndItoldyouthatIdon’thavetodowhatyousay.”
“Iwarnedyou.”
BeforeIcanprocesswhathejustsaid,Arespullsmetowardthepoolwithhim.
“No,no,Ares!No!”Istrugglewildlytogetawayfromhisgrip,butheismuchstrongerthanme.“Please!No,Ares,no!”
Butit’stoolate.ApiercingscreamleavesmymouthasAresdivesin,takingmedownwithhim.Forafewseasonswe’recompletelysubmergedinthewater,mydressstickingtomybody.BubblescomeoutofmymouthasIstruggletosurface.IgaspforairasIemergefromthewaterandinstinctivelywrapmyarmsaroundAres’sneck,holdingontohimtightly.Heholdsmebythewaist.Ourbodiesarepressedtogether,andourfacesareonlyinchesapart,withthosedeepblueeyesgazingintomine.
“Attackingmesofast?”
Despitehisarrogantquestion,Idon’tlethimgo.Myhairstickstobothsidesofmyface.“Swimmingisnotmything.”
Heraisesaneyebrowinsurprise.“Don’tyouknowhowtoswim?”
“Yes,butnotverywell,”Iadmitembarrassedly.Wearesoclose,andhislipslooksoinviting.“Takemetotheshallowendofthepool.”
“Andwastetheopportunitytohaveyoupressedagainstme?”Hesmiles,showingthoseperfect,straightteethofhis.“No,IthinkI’llenjoyitalittlemore.”
“You’reapervert.”
“I’mthepervert?”
“Yes.”Hisbodyemanateswarmth,andhisskinissosoft.
“Who’stheonewiththeFiftyShadesofGreytrilogyonhercomputer?”Myeyeswideninshock.Ares’shandsaresteadyonmywaist.“I’mnotjudgingyou,I’mjustsayingyou’renotasinnocentasyouliketoappear,Witch.”
“Readingdoesn’tmakemeapervert.”
“Areyousayingthatreadingthosesexscenesdidn’tturnyouon?”
Ilookaway.“I…”
Hishandsgodowntotheoutsideofmythighsandheliftsmylegs,encouragingmetowrapthemaroundhiswaist.
“I’msuremorethanonceyouwishedsomeonewouldtakeyouthatway,hardandfast.”
ForGod’ssake,IneedtogetawayfromAresurgently.Mybreathingbecomesrapidandinconsistent,thewatermovesinsmallwavesaroundus.“You’recrazy.”
Heuseshisnow-freehandstoremovethewethairfrommyface.“Andyou’rebeautiful.”
Myworldstops.Idon’tbreathe.Idon’tmove.Ijustlosemyselfintheinfinityofhiseyes.
“Ares!Raquel!”Samycallsfromtheshallowendofthepool.“It’stimetoplay.”
Aresclearshisthroatandstartstomoveoverthere.Whenwereachtheshallowend,Ibreakawayfromhim.BeforeIcangetclosetoSamyandApolo,Aresleansovertosaysomethinginmyear.“IcanbeyourChristianGreyanytimeyouwant,youpervertedlittlewitch.”
Ifreeze,andhemovestowardthegroupasifnothinghappened.
ThatcrazyGreekgod!TWENTYTheGame
“Raquel!Raquel!Raquel!”
IneverthoughtthatthefirstbetIwouldevermakeinmylifewouldinvolvealcohol.Apolo,Samy,andGregoryarearoundmeattheedgeofthepool,offeringmeashotoftequila.AndIhesitate.ThetruthisthatIfeelalittledizzy.I’velostcountofhowmuchI’veconsumedsofar,andthat’snotgood.EspeciallysinceI’minthepool.
Resignedtomyfate,Itakethesmallglassanddrinkit.Thetequilarunsdownmythroat,settingeverythingonfireonitswaytomystomach.Igrimace.Apologivesmeahighfive.He’salreadyhadafewshots.Apparently,whenhe’shome,hisbrothersaremorepermissiveabouthimandalcohol.
“I’msurprised,”Samyadmits,smiling.
I’dliketosaythatshe’sabadpersonwhohitsonAreseverychanceshegets,whothrowsshadeatme,orsaysthingstomakemefeellikesomeonewhodoesn’tbelonghere,butIcan’t.Samyhasonlybeennicetome.Eventhoughit’sobviousthatshelikesAres,Idon’tfeelanyangertowardher.Samyhasn’tdoneanythingtome.
Gregorytakeshisdrinkandcoughs,takingadeepbreath.“Eachtimefeelseasierandeasier.Itdoesn’tevenburnmythroatanymore.”
“That’sbecauseyou’realreadydrunk,”Isay,pattinghimontheback.
IlookatthedeependofthepoolandseethestupidGreekgodtalkingtoMarcoandLuis.Theylookveryserious.EmbarrassmentcomesovermewhenIrememberhowIdanced.Aretheytalkingaboutme?OhGod!
Isplashmyfaceandthewarmwaterfeelsgoodagainstmycoldskin.Smallwavesformasweswimandtheymoveandcrashagainstthebackofmyarms.
“Weshouldplayagame.”Gregoryoffers,shakinghishair,sprayingusallwithdroplets.
Apoloconsidersforamoment.“Somethinglikehide-and-seek?”
Samylaughs.“No,somethingmorefun!Liketruthordare,orneverhaveIever.”
Ifrowninconfusion.“NeverhaveIever?”
“Yeah.I’llexplaintherules,”shepauses,goingintofullexplanationmode.“Forexample,Istartandsay,‘NeverhaveIeverbeendrunk.’Thenanyonewhohasbeendrunkbeforehastodrink.”
“Whatifyouhaven’t?”
“Youdon’tdrink.It’sfunbecauseyou’lllearnwhatothershaveorhaven’tdonewhenyouseethemdrinkingornot.Thesuspenseisgreat.”
“Okay,okay,”saysGregory.“Butdoweneedmorepeopleornot?”
It’sjustus,andAres’sgroupoverontheothersideofthepool.Theothersleftalittlewhileago.Ihavenoideawhattimeitis.Gregorycallsout,andthethreeboysswimtowardus.WegetoutofthepoolandmydressstickstomybodyasIputitbackon,butI’vehadsomuchtodrinkthatIdon’tcareanymore.Wesitonthewetfloorinacircle.ApoloandGregorysitoneithersideofme,SamysitsnexttoApolo,thenMarco,Ares,andLuisfillthecircle.Aresisacrossfromme.Thebottleoftequilaisinthemiddleofthecircle.Samyexplainstherulesagaintothenewcomers.Wealllistentoherattentively,especiallyMarco.
“Youknow,ifyou’vedoneit,youhavetotakeadrinkfromyourglass.”Samytakessomeglassesandfillsthemfulloftequila.“Takeadrinkifyou’vedoneit,butifyouhaven’t,thendon’tdrink.”
Aresletsoutaderisivelaugh.“Whatkindofgameisthis?”
Samygiveshimadirtylook.“I’vealreadyexplainedtherules,sojustplay.Anybraveones?”Noone.Samysighs.“Cowards,I’llbegin,”shesays,takingherglass.“NeverhaveIeversnuckoutofthehouse.”
Shedrinksandeveryoneelsedrinks,too,butnotme.Theylookatmeinsurprise.
“What?”Isayindefense.“I’magoodgirl.”
Apologivesmealook.“EvenI,whoisyoungerthanyou,havesnuckout.”
Gregorypatsmyhead.“Aw!Youareawell-behavedlittleangel.”
Aresdoesn’tpayattentiontome;he’stoobusylightingacigarette.ThesmokeiscomingoutofhismouthwhilehewaitsforMarcototakehisturn.
“NeverhaveIeverbrokensomeone’sheart.”
“Ohhh!”Luisexclaims,amused.“Ithinkwe’llalldrink.”
MyeyesfallonAres,andIwatchsadlyashebringshisglasstohislipsanddrinks.Iknowhehasbrokenmanyhearts,butsomehow,Ifeelthathe’sthinkingofmeashedrinks.Again,everyonedrinksbutme.
Luisgrunts.“Really,Raquel?You’veneverbrokenaheart?”
Samygroansinannoyance.“Atthisratewe’llallendupdrunkwhileRaquelisstillsober.”
“I’mbeinghonest.Iswear.”
Aresfixeshiseyesonmeandhisperfectlipsformintoanarrogantsmile.“Don’tworry,it’smyturn.I’llmakeherdrink.”
Gregorygiveshimahigh-five.“Comeon,let’ssee,surpriseus.”
Arespicksuphisglassandraisesittome.“NeverhaveIeverstalkedanyone.”
Lowblow.
Everyonelooksatme,waitingformyreaction.Iclenchmyhandsatmysidesandbitemybottomlip.Feelingliketheoddoneoutinthegroup,Iraisemyglassandtakeadrink.Everyonewatchesmeinsilence.Angrily,myeyesmeetAres’sandIseehimsmile.Butthenhedoessomethingthatbringsmeupshort.Hedrinks,surprisingusall.
Apoloshakeshishead.“Wehavetwostalkershere.Ican’tbelieveit.”
LuispatsAresontheback.“Ineverthoughtyouwouldbeonetostalksomeone.Ialwaysthoughtyouwouldbetheonebeingstalked.”
Aresdoesn’ttakehiseyesoffmine.“Itstartedthatway,butlifetakesmanyturns.”
Samyclearsherthroat.“Okay,okay,next.”
Luisliftstheglass.“Let’smakethisinteresting,neverhaveIevergivensomeoneanorgasmwithoralsex.”
Heatinvadesmycheeks,andIknoweveryoneisgoingtodrink,exceptformeandmaybeApolo.Luis,Gregory,Marco,andaveryembarrassedSamytakeadrink.Agonizingly,IwatchAres.
Buthedoesn’tdrink.Hashe…?
Gregoryseemstobesayingoutloudwhatwe’reallthinking.“Ican’tbelieveit!AresHidalgo!Haven’tyouevermadeagirlcomewithoralsex?”
Luisshakeshishead.“You’relying.”
Aresfinisheshiscigarette,puttingitoutonthegroundbesidehim.“I’veneverdoneit.”Hesaysitsonaturally,socalmly.Wealllookateachother.
Apolocan’tcontrolhiscuriosity.“Whynot?”
Aresshrugshisshoulders.“Ithinkit’ssomethingintimateandverypersonal.”
Gregoryintervenes.“AndweallknowthatAresisnotinterestedinanintimate,personalrelationship.”
Samylowersherhead,playingwithherfingersonherlap.Didshe…andhe…?AsfarasIknow,they’rejustfriends.ButSamy’sreactionremindsmeofmyown.Didsomethinghappenbetweenthem?IglanceatMarco,andhisexpressionhardens,givingmesuchanintenselookthatIhavetolookaway.Awkward
It’sApolo’sturn.“Let’salldrink,neverhaveIeverbeendrunk.”
Igivehimaknowingsmile.“Cheers!”Ourglassesclink.
It’smyturn,andIhavenoideawhattosay.Everyoneiswaitingforme,impatient.“NeverhaveIeverkissedanyoneinthiscircle.”
Marcoraisesaneyebrow,andAresletsoutasarcasticlaugh.Verycarefully,IwatchasAresandSamydrink.Sadly,Idrinktoo.SoSamyhaskissedAres.Theconfirmationmakesmyheartsink.WatchingSamy,Ifeelatadisadvantage.Shereallyisveryprettyandnice.Nodoubt,Areswouldchooseherandnotme.IknowIwouldchooseher.
Gregorygrimaces.“Ohh.”
Afterthreeroundsofthegame,wearealltoodrunktoplaydecently.Wedecidetojumpintotheshallowendofthepool.Isplashwateronmyfaceandhead.I’mdizzy,butIknowifIstopdrinkingnow,Icanmakeithome.
Samyhugsmefrombehind.“Raquel!”
Iletgoofherembraceandturnaround.“Samy!”
“Ithinkwe’vehadtoomuchtodrink,”shesays,andInod.“You’reverynice!”
“Youtoo.”
“Ineedtoaskyousomething.”
“Okay.”
“Whenwewereplaying,youdrankwhenyouaskedaboutkissingsomeoneinthegroup.”Shepauses.“Iknowit’sobvious,butdidyoukissAres?”
Okay,drunkornot,I’mnotreadyforthatquestion.
Samygivesmeasadsmile.“Thatsilencesaysitall.Doyou…doyouhavesomethingwithhim?”
“Samy…”
“No,no,I’msorry,don’tanswerthat.I’mbeingintrusive.”
I’mfeelinguncomfortable,butatthesametime,Iidentifywithhersomuch.“You…andhe…”
Sheshakesherhead.“I’mjustacliché,youknow,thegirlwhofallsinlovewithherbestfriend.”
“Ifyoutwohavesomething,Iwouldneverstandintheway.”
I’mbeinghonest,Iwouldneverinterfereinanyone’srelationship.Imayhaveverylittledignityleft,butwouldIbetheotherwoman?Never.
Samytakesmyhand.“HeandIhavenothing,sostoplookingguilty.”
“I’msorry.Idon’tevenknowwhatI’mapologizingfor.”
“Aresis…difficult,youknow,he’sbeenthroughalot.”Shetakesadrinkfromherglass.“Somehow,IthoughtI’dbethegirlwhowouldchangehim.Afterall,I’mtheonlyonehe’severletin,theonehe’stoldsomanythingsto,andrevealedpartsofhimselfhehasn’tletanyoneelsesee.Butthefactthathetrustsmedoesn’tmeanhe’sinlovewithme.Iunderstoodthattoolate.”
Icanhearthepaininhervoice.She’sdefinitelynotabadperson—she’sjustagirlwhofellinlovewithaguywhodidn’tfeelthesameway,likeme.
“Ithinkwehavesomethingincommon.Abrokenheart.”
“Helikesyou,Raquel,alot,andheprobablydoesn’tknowhowtohandleitbecauseit’sneverhappenedtohimbefore.”
“Idon’tthinkso.He’smadeitveryclearthathe’snotinterestedinme,”Isay.
“Aresisreallycomplex,justlikeArtemis.They’reboysbeingraisedbyabsentparentswhohavealwaysprioritizedbusinessandmoneyoverthem.Tonightisagoodexample.Herewearehavingapartyintheirhouse,andthey’renowheretobefound.Hisdadisprobablyonabusinesstrip,andhismom?Havingfunwithotherhigh-profileladiesintownsomewhere.Hisparentshavealwaysmadeitcleartothemthathavingfeelingsisaweakness.It’sgivinganotherpersonpoweroveryou.”
“AndwhyisApolodifferent?”
“WhenApolowasborn,GrandpaHidalgomovedhereforawhile.HewastheonewhoraisedApolowithalotofloveandpatience.Hetriedtoinstillthatinthetwoolderboys,buttheywerealreadygrownupandlivingthroughthingstheyshouldn’thavebeenlivingatthatage.”
“Likewhat?”
“That’snotmystorytotell,sorry.”
“You’vetoldmealot.Howdoyouknowallthis?”
“Igrewupwiththem.Mymomisclosefriendswiththeirmother,andshewouldalwaysdropmeoffherewhenshehadthingstodo.”
“Samy!Thedriverishere.Let’sgo!”theboysshout.Gregory,Luis,andMarcoaredryingoffbesidethepool,staggeringbackandforth.
“I’mcoming!”Samygivesmeashorthug,breaksaway,andsmilesatme.“You’reagoodperson,sodon’tthinkI’mmadatyouoranythingbecauseofAres,okay?”Shejumpsoutofthepool,andI’mleftinthewarmwater.Thelightsareoff,butthetorchesaroundthepoolareburningsoftlyinthedarkness.
Ismileback.“Okay.”
Iwatchthemleave.Apolowalksbehindthem,mumblingsomethingaboutseeingthemout.Irealizeit’stimeformetoleavetoo.Myeyesscanthepool,andIfreezewhenIseeAresattheotherend,hisarmsoutstretchedontheedgeofthepool,facingme.We’realone.Andfromthewayhe’slookingatme,Iknowheplanstotakeadvantageofthat.
Haveyouevertriedtoruninthewater?It’sfreakinghard.Sincewhendidtheedgeofthepoolgetsofarawayfromme?Nervously,IglancebacktoseewhereAresis,andhe’sgone.
Shit!He’scomingfromunderwater!I’mbeinghunted!
Ireachtheedgeandgripittightlytoliftmyselfoutofthepool,butI’monlyhalfwaytherewhenstronghandsgrabmyhips,pullingmedownroughly.Arespressesmeagainstthepoolwall.Ifeelhishotbreathbrushingthebackofmyneck.“Areyoutryingtoescape,Witch?”
Iswallow,tryingtofreemyself.“It’slate,Ihavetogo.I…”
Aressucksonmyearlobewhilehishandssqueezemyhipsgently.“Youwhat?”
Imakethehugemistakeofturninginhisarms,myhormonesscreechingatthesightinfrontofme.TheGreekgodallwet,hissoakedhairstickingtothesidesofhisface,hiscreamyskinlookingflawless,andthoseinfiniteblueeyesremindingmeoftheskyatdawn.Hislipslooksokissable.
Itrytothinkofallthedamagehehasdonetomewithhiswords,withhisactions,butit’ssohardtofocuswithhimthisclose.Arescaressesthesideofmyface.Theactionpuzzlesme.Itdoesn’tseemlikesomethinghewoulddo.
“Staywithmetonight.”
Thatsurprisesme,butmyabsentdignityfinallyappearsandtakesover.“I’mnotgoingtobethatgirlyouusewheneveryouwant,Ares.”
“Idon’texpectyoutobe.”Hesoundshonest,andheseemssodifferent,likehe’stiredofbeinganarrogantjerk.
“Thendon’taskmetostay.”
Hegetscloser,histhumbstillstrokingmycheek.“Juststay,wedon’thavetodoanything,I’mnotgoingtotouchyouifyoudon’twantmeto,just…”Hesighs.“Staywithme,please.”
Thevulnerabilityinhisexpressiondisarmsme.Myheartandmydignityareatwar.
WhatcanIdo?TWENTY-ONETheGame
Myreflectioninthemirrorgivesmeadisapprovinglook,asifjudgingme.Isigh.
WhatamIdoing?WhydidIdecidetostay?Ishouldn’tbehere.
ButhowcouldIsayno?Heaskedmewiththosepuppyeyes,aclearpleaonhisface.Noonecanjudgeme,notevenmyreflection.Havingtheguyyou’recrazyfor,allwetandsexy,beggingyoutostaywithhim,istoomuch.Thealcoholcloudingmybrainisn’thelpingeither.Besides,mymom’snothome,soIwon’tgetintotrouble.
Ishakeoutmywethairanddryitwithatowel.I’vealreadyshowered,abandoningmywetdressforashirtthatAresloanedme.Inhisbathroom.Ican’tbelieveI’mhereinthebathroomattachedtohisroom.IfeellikeI’minvadinghisprivacy.It’sspotless.Thewhiteceramicshines.I’mafraidtotouchanythingandruinthetidiness.
Lookingatmyselfinthemirror,ItugatthebottomofAres’sshirt,tryingtocovermyselfasmuchaspossible.UnderneathI’mwearingapairofhisboxers.They’reveryloose,butitwaseitherweartheseorstaywetandfreeze.ForaninstantIwonderifIcanstayhere,inthebathroom,butIknowIcan’t.
Aresdidn’tsaymuchafterweleftthepool.Heletmeusehisbathroom,sayinghewouldusetheonedownthehall.ForsomestrangereasonIknowhe’salreadyback,waitingformeinhisroom.
Youcandoit,Raquel.Hepromisednottotouchyou.Ifyoudon’twanthimto…
That’stheproblem,Idowanthimto.Iwanttokisshimagain,tofeelhimagainstmeagain,andIknowIshouldn’t.Whydoesknowingweshouldn’tdosomethingalwaysmakeuswanttodoitmore?WhydidIsayyes?NowI’minthelion’sden.Determinedtogetonwithit,Iopenthebathroomdoorandstepout.
Theroomisilluminatedbyasinglesmalllamp.It’slargeandsurprisinglytidy.Aresissittingonthebed,shirtless,withhisbackagainsttheheadboardandabottleoftequilainhishand.Hiseyesmeetmine,andhesmilesatme.“Youlookgoodinmyshirt.”
Don’tsmilelikethat!Can’tyouseeyou’remeltingmyheart?
Ismilebackathimandstandthereinthesemidarkness,notknowingwhattodo.
“Areyougoingtostandthereallnight?Come.”Hepointstoaspotnexttohim.Ihesitate,andhenotices.“Areyouafraidofme?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“Ofcourse,ofcourse,comehere.”
Iobeyhimbysittingontheedgeofthebed,puttingasmuchdistanceasIcanbetweenus.Heraisesaneyebrowbutsaysnothing.
“Howaboutwekeepplaying?”Heliftsthebottle,turninghisbodytowardme.
“Thepoolgame?”Hejustnods.“It’slate,don’tyouthink?”
“Areyouafraidtoplaywithme?”
“Itoldyou,I’mnotafraidofyou.”
“Thenwhyareyouabouttofalloutofthebed?Youdon’thavetositsofaraway,Imadeapromise,didn’tI?”
Yes,yousaidyouwouldn’ttouchmeifIdidn’twantyouto.TheproblemisthatIdowantyouto.
“Justaprecaution.”
“Ifyousayso.”Hesitscross-legged,andIdothesame.Wefaceeachotherwiththebottlebetweenus.
“Youstart.”
Ithinkforawhileanddecideonsomethingsimple.“NeverhaveIeversleptwithsomeoneoftheoppositesexinthesamebedwithoutdoinganything.”AndIdrink.
Iwatchhimhesitate,butfinallyhedrinks.Heclearshisthroat.“NeverhaveIeverbeeninterestedinmycrush’sbestfriend.”Hedoesn’tdrink.
Ilookathiminsurprise.IsheindirectlyaskingifIlikeMarco?Marcoisveryattractive,butIwouldn’tsayI’minterested,soIdon’tdrink.Hisreliefisevidentonhisface.
“NeverhaveIeverhadfeelingsformybestfriend,”Isayandwatchsadlyashetakesadrink.DoeshehavefeelingsforSamy?IthurtsmeandforsomereasonIwanthimtobehurt,too,soIdrinkaswell.
Helookssurprised,andrunshishandsthroughhismessy,damphair.“IthinkIwantyoutodrink.”Hesoundsvictorious.“NeverhaveIeverfalleninloveone-sidedly.”
Ouch!Thatburns.
Thatcharacteristicsmirkofhisappears,andItrytocalmmystupidheart.Silently,Idrink.
Iraisemygazetohimandthere’sanedgetomyvoice.“NeverhaveIeverfakedanorgasmduringsex.”
Hismouthopens,andhewatchesmedrink.Hisegoishurt.Icanseeitintheangerinhiseyes.IknowI’mlying,butIdon’tcareaboutanythinganymore.Arestakesthebottle,thinkingforamoment,andI’mpreparedforhimtodestroyme.IknowafterwhatIsaid,he’llonlytrytohurtmeevenmore.
Helooksatme.“NeverhaveIeverliedwhenIsaidIdon’tlikesomeone.”
Ifrown.Didhe…?
Aresplayswiththepiercinginhislowerlipanddrinks.
I’mpetrified,lookingathim—ishetellingmethathedoeslikeme,andthatheliedwhenhesaidhedidn’t?OramIoverthinkingthings?Orhasthetequilatakeneffectandmademeevenmoredrunk?Hesmilesatmeandputsthebottleinbetweenus.Itakeit,andIdon’tknowwhattosay.
“Youlooksurprised.”Heputshishandsbehindhim,leaningback,lettingmeseethoseabsandhistattoo.Icanclearlyseetheoneonhislowerabdomen,whichissomethingtribalandsmall,andverydelicate-looking.
“No,it’sjustthat…”Ipause,playingwiththebottle.“I’mthinkingaboutmyturn,”Ilie.
“Let’ssee,surpriseme.”Heleansforwardagainandmovesclosertome,andnowonlythebottleseparatesourbodies.
“IthinkI’vehadenough,”Isaynervously.Iexcusemyself,handinghimthebottle.“It’slate,weshouldsleep.”
“Leavemethelastturn,okay?”
“Okay.”
Areslooksmestraightintheeyeashesays,“NeverhaveIeverwantedtokisssomeoneasmuchasIdonow.”
Theairleavesmylungsashedrinks.Hiseyesarefixedonmymouth,andhehandsmethebottle.Idon’thesitateasItakeaswig.Intheblinkofaneye,Aresisontopofme.Hismouthfindsmineandthrowsmyfearsoutthewindow.Hiskissisnottender;it’srough,passionate,andIloveit.Hissoftlipslick,suck.Ican’thelpbutmoanintohismouthandhistongueentersmine,tempting,provokingme.Hetastesliketequilaandstrawberrygum.Igrabhishair,kissinghimwitheverythingIhave.I’vemissedhimsomuch,andit’sonlybeenaweek.Hecouldeasilybecomemyaddiction.
Aresspreadsmylegstogetbetweenthemandletmefeelhimalloverme.HishandgoesupunderthelongshirtI’mwearing,caressingthebackofmythighs.Hisfingerscurlaroundthewaistbandoftheboxersandhepullsthemdown.Hemovesawayfrommylipsforamomentsohecanremovethemcompletely.
Itaketheopportunitytolookathisbeautifulfaceinfrontofmineandcaressit.HecloseshiseyesandIraisealittleonmyelbowstokisshisneckslowly.Ihearhimsigh.Hisskinissosoftandsmellslikefancysoap.
Aresstandsupandmyskinfeelscoldfromthelackofcontact.HetakesmyhandandpullsmeuntilIamuprightinfrontofhim.Hishandsgrabthehemofmyshirt,andhepullsitoffovermyhead.Hiseyesscaneverypartofme,makingmeblushandshiverwithexcitement.
Aresgrabsmywaistandkissesmeagain.Feelinghisnakedtorsoagainstmybreastsmakesmeletoutasmallmoan.HepushesmeontothebeduntilIfallonmyback,andheclimbsontopofmestillkissingandtouchingme.Hisrestlesslipsleavemineandmovedownmyneck.Histongue,asnimbleasever,licksdeliciously,sendingstreamsofdesirethroughoutmybody.
Thenhegoesdowntoattackmybreasts,leavingmebreathless.Thisistoomuch,Iclosemyeyes,bitingmylips.Tomysurprise,Areskeepsgoingdownmystomach,andthatputsmeonalert.
“Ares,whatareyoudoing?”Iaskashespreadsmylegs,andItenseup.
Helooksupatme.“Doyoutrustme?”
Tellhimno!Youdon’ttrusthim,doyou?Likeafoolinlove,Inod.“Yes.”
Hesmilesonmyskinandkeepsgoingdown.Istareupattheceilingnervously.Themomenthistonguemakescontactwiththespotinthemiddleofmylegs,Iarchmyback,withaloudmoanleavingmylips.
“OhGod!”Iclutchthesheets.Newsensationsinvademe,drowningmeinpleasure.
Nothinghaseverfeltsogood,soperfect,especiallybecauseit’swithhim.Aresisclaimingallmyfirstexperiences,andIlikethat.Itmakesmefeellikewehaveauniqueconnection.Aresgetsmoreaggressivewithhistongue,movingitupanddownandthenincirclesuntilIfeellikeIcan’ttakeanymore.Icovermymouthwithmyhandtoquietmymoans.
Aresstretchesouthishandtograbmywristandpullmyhandaway.“No,letmehearyoumoan.OnlyIcanmakeyoulosecontrollikethis.”
Ishudder,andhecontinueshistortureuntilIfeellikemybodyisgoingtoexplode.“Ares!”
Hisvoiceisdeepandsexy.“Yes,likethat,moanforme,beautiful.”
Theorgasmthatsweepsmeisunprecedented.Iarchmyback,myhandsgotohishairtopushhimawayfromthere,aseverythingbecomesverysensitive.Mylegstremble,mybreathingisraggedandquick.Aresstandsupinfrontofme,lickinghislips,andit’sthesexiestthingI’veeverseeninmylife.
Icanseehimsoclearly,hischestanddefinedabdomen.Hiseyesshiningwithdesire.Hepullsdownhisshortsalongwithhisboxers,droppingthemtothefloor,andletsmestareathimcompletelynakedinfrontofme.Heissoperfect.Iwanttofeelhim,allofhim.
Hetakessomethingoffhisnightstand,andIwatchhimputthecondomon.Ican’twaittofeelhiminsidemeagain.
Hegrabsmyanklesandpullsmetotheedgeofthebed.Hishandtakesmychin.“Doyouwantme?”Inod.“Turnaround.”
Iobey,andhegrabsmyhipsandliftsmeupuntilI’monmyhandsandknees.Theanticipationalmostkillsmeasherubshimselfagainstmebutdoesn’tpenetrateme.
“Ares,please.”
“Pleasewhat?”
Hehasmademesonaughty.
“Please,Iwantyouinsideme.”
Ifeelhimgrabmebymyhairandascreamleavesmylipsashepenetratesmeallatonce.Itburnsandhurtsalittle,butnothinglikethefirsttime.Hedoesn’tmove,asifhe’swaitingformetogetusedtoit.
“Areyouokay?”
“Yes.”
Hebeginstomoveslowly,anditstillburns,butthefrictionbeginstofeelamazing.
Afewminuteslater,Inolongerfeelanythingbutpleasure.Aresletsgoofmyhairandgripsmyhipstothrustintomeevendeeper,faster.Thesoundofskinagainstskinechoesthroughouttheroom,mixingwithourmoans.Itisn’tlongbeforewebothcollapseonthebed,sidebyside.Ourquickenedbreathingmakesourchestsriseandfallrapidly.Aresreachesovertothenightstandandgrabsthetequilabottle.
“NeverhaveIevermadeagirlcomewithoralsex.”Andhetakesadrink.
Ican’thelpbutsmile.“Youarecrazy,AresHidalgo.”
Hiseyesmeetmine.“You’redrivingmecrazy,Witch.”
Hewrapsusinhissheetsandcaressesmycheektenderly.Suddenly,sleepinessoverwhelmsme.Iblinktotrytostayawake,butIfallasleep,nakedinthebedoftheboyIstalkedfromtheshadowsuntilafewweeksago.
Lifereallyisunpredictable.TWENTY-TWOTheAwakening-ARES–
ThefirstthingIfeelwhenIwakeupissomethingwarmnexttome.Thetouchofskinagainstmyarmtakesmebysurprise,andthenIturnandseeher.
Hereyesareclosed,herlongeyelashesrestonhercheekbones,andsheisbreathingslowlythroughhernose.Shelookssodelicateandfragile.Alumpformsinmythroat,makingitdifficultformetobreathe.Ijumpupfromthebed,movingawayfromher,almosthyperventilating.
Ineedtogetoutofhere.
Ineedtogetawayfromher.
WhatthehellwasIthinking?
Grabbingmyclothesfromthefloor,Iquicklyputonmyboxersandshorts.Ileavemyroom,carefulnottowakeherup.Idon’twanttofaceher;Ican’tfaceherexpectationsofmeandbreakherheartagain.Ican’tmakehercryandwatchherwalkawayfromme,notagain.
Thengetbackinthere.
Thevoiceofmyconsciencereproachesme,butIcan’tdothateither.I’mnotwhatsheexpects,orwhatsheneeds.Ican’tplayathavingarelationshipwithsomeonewhenIdon’tbelieveinthatshit,becausesoonerorlaterI’llenduphurtingherandruininganicegirlwhodoesn’tdeserveit.
IfIknowIcan’tgiveherwhatshewants,whydoIkeepluringhertome?Whycan’tIlethergo?BecauseI’maselfishfucker,that’swhy,becausejustimaginingherwithsomeoneelsemakesmybloodboil.Ican’tbewithher,butIwon’tletherbewithanyoneelseeither.
Iheaddownthestairs,running,andgrabthekeystothecar.
Run,liketheselfishcowardyouare.
I’mabouttograbthedoorknobwhenIhearsomeoneclearingtheirthroat.IturntoseeArtemissittingonthecouchwearingsportsclothes.Hemusthavejustcomeinfromhismorningworkout.
“Whereareyougoinglookinglikethat?”
Andthat’swhenIrealizethatI’monlywearingshorts,andIdon’tevenhaveshoeson.
“Nowhere,”Isayquickly.
“Runningaway?”
“No,I’mstilljustalittletired.”
Artemisgivesmeanincredulouslookbutsaysnothing.Igrabmysneakersfromtheguestclosetinthehallwayandpullasweatshirton.ClaudiaappearstoaskmewhatsheshouldtellRaquel.
“TellherIhadtogooutandIwon’tbebackuntillate,”Iwhispertoher,holdingthekeysinmyhand.“Tellhertogohome.”
Iturnmybackonthemandleavethehouse.Igetintothecar,butIdon’tturniton.Ijustrestmyforeheadonthesteeringwheel.Idon’tknowhowmuchtimepasses,butwhenIlookup,Iseeher.
Raquel.
She’swalkingoutofthehouse.Herdressiswrinkledandstillalittlewetfromthenightbeforeandherhairisinamessybun.Myheartdropstothefloor.Sheshudders,wipinghertear-streakedcheeks.She’scrying.
Ah,God,whatareyoudoing,Ares?
MyeyesgodowntoherfeetandInoticethatshe’sbarefoot.Sheprobablycouldn’tfindhersandalsanddidn’twanttostaytolookforthem.Ican’ttakemyeyesoffherassheslowlywalksawayfromthehouse.
Ialmostgogether,butwhenmyhandfallsonthecardoorhandle,Ifreeze.WhatamIgoingtosaytoher?HowamIgoingtojustifymyself?IknowthatifIchaseher,Iwillonlyhurthermore.
Isitthere,notmoving,notsayinganything.Idon’tknowhowlongittakesbeforeIfinallygetoutofthecar.Myeyesscantheroad,butit’sempty.IwishIhadsaidsomethingtoher,butIdon’tevenknowwhatIfeelorhowtowordit.I’mnotusedtoanyofthis.
Ablackcarpullsupnexttome.Therearwindowrollsdownandthescentofexpensiveperfumehitsmynose.
“Whatareyoudoingouthere,honey?”mymotherasksasafalsesmileformsonmylips.
“Ijustwentforarun.”
“Asathleticasever.Comeintothehouse,I’vemissedyou.”
“Ofcourseyoumissedus.”
Shedecidestoignoremysarcasm.“Let’sgo.”
Sherollsupthewindow,andthecarcontinuesintothedriveway.Withmyheartclenched,Itakeonelastlookatthestreetandreturntothehouse.
It’sforthebest,Ikeeprepeatingoverandoverinsidemyhead.
Ihavetogreetmyparents,thebeingswhomademethewayIam,theoneswhoaretoblameforthefactthatIcan’ttellthegirlIjustlosthowIfeelabouther,andthatit’sthefirsttimeI’vefeltthisway.
Ah!Shit!Iletoutalongsighandwalkintothehouse.
–RAQUEL–
IkeepreplayingthemomentwhenIwokeupandlookedforhim,thinkinghehadgoneforbreakfast.IwasabouttogodownstairswhenIheardhimtalkingtoClaudia.
TellherIhadtogooutandIwon’tbebackuntillate,hesaidwithwhatsoundedlikeannoyanceinhisvoice.Tellhertogohome.
Igrimace,feelingtheburningpavementundermybarefeet,butthatpainisnocomparisontotheoneIfeelinside.
Iwassuchanidiot.
Ican’tstopcrying,Ican’tstopthetears,anditjustmakesmefeelevenmorepathetic.Ithoughtthistimewouldbedifferent,andIreallybelievedit.HowcouldIhavebeensostupid?Hewouldsayanythingtogetinsidemypants;that’sallhewanted.HowcouldIlethimdothistomeagainandagain?
Ithinkbacktohisgenuinesmile,howwetalkedandlaughedyesterdayinhisbedplayingthatstupidgame,andwhatwedidafterward.Itrustedhim.Andhetookthattrustandshattereditalongwithmyheart.Hedidn’tevenhavethedecencytotellmefacetoface.Iwasn’timportantenough.Hejustsenthismaidtogetridofme.
Arescanhurtmelikenooneelse,butit’smyfaultforgivinghimthatpoweroverme.AresknowsI’mcrazyabouthimandusesthattotakeadvantageofmelikethejerkheis.AllthistimeIhaven’treallywantedhimoutofmylife.I’vegivenhimchances,believinginhisearnesteyes,andhopingthatthereissomethinggoodbehindhisfacade.Butnomore.
AsIgetclosertothehouse,IthankGodit’sSunday,andIdon’thavetogotoschoolfeelinglikeshit.I’msurprisedtoseeDaniinthedrivewayringingthedoorbell.She’swearingaloosesummerdress,withherlongblackhairtiedupinaponytailandsunglassesonherface.Shelooksimpatient.Iknowshehatestheheat.Itrytocallouttoher,butIcan’t.Thewordsstickinmythroat,andIwanttocryagain.Mylipstrembleassheturnsandseesme.
Shetakesoffherglasses,andherfacetightensinconcern.Shehurriesovertomeandgrabsmebytheshoulders.“Whathappened?Areyouokay?”
Ijustmanagetonod.
“God,let’sgoinside.”
Inmyroom,Idon’tbothertoholdbackmytears,notanymore.Isitontheflooragainstthewallandcry.Danisitsnexttome,sayingnothing,justsittingthere,andthat’sallIneed.Idon’tneedwordsofencouragement,Ijustneedhertobethere,nexttome.
Ineedtoletitallout.Ineedtogetthispainoutofmychest,andIfeelthatbycryingIcanexternalizeitsothatitneverhurtslikethisagain.Thereissomethingtherapeuticincryingwithallmyheart.Thereisacertainpeacethatcomesafterward.
DanislipsherarmbehindmeandgrabsmesothatIrestmyheadonhershoulder.“Letitout.That’sit.I’mhere.”
IcryuntilIhavenomoretears,andmynoseissostuffedupthatit’shardtobreathe.Thepeacesettlesoverme.Danikissesmyhead.
“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”
Ipushmyselfawayfromherandstraightenup,pressingmybackagainstthewall.Iwipeawaymytearsandblowmynose.Itellhereverything.
Dani’sfaceturnsredwithrage.“Fuckingjerk!Argh!”
Idon’tsayanything.
Sheblowsanunrulystrandofhairoutofherface.“Iwanttopunchhiminhisstupidface.CanI?JustonepunchandI’llrun.Hewon’tevennotice.”
“Dani…”
“Ilearnedasuperpunchinmyself-defenseclass,Iknowitwillhurt,andthere’salwaysthetypicalpunchintheballs.Ohyeah,IthinkIpreferthatone.”
Hercrazyangerstealsasadsmilefromme.“Iappreciatetheeffort,but…”
“OrIcantellDean.They’reonthesoccerteamtogether.I’lltellhimtogivehimakickthatlooksaccidental.”
“Dani,youcan’tsendyourbrothertobeathimup.Deanisverypassive.”
“Butalsoexcessivelyoverprotective,IonlyhavetotellhimthatAresdidsomethingtoyouandboom!Aresgetswhathedeserves.”
“Idon’tlikeviolence,andyouknowit.”
“Fine!”shesnorts.“I’llgetsomeicecream,andyoufindthemostromanticmovieyoucangetonline.”
“Idon’tthink—”
“Silence!Let’sdealwiththisangerasitshouldbe.Todayyouwillcryandshoutinsultsatthemoviescreenandtalkabouthowunfairlifeisbecausethosethingsdon’thappentous.”Sheputsherhandsonherhips.“We’llhaveasleepover,andtomorrowyou’llwakeupanewperson,leavingeverythingbehind.”
Itrytosmile.“Idon’tthinkIcandothatovernight.”
“Atleastgiveitatry,andthenwe’llgopartywithsomeguys.You’llgetdistractedandrealizethatidiotisn’ttheonlyguyonthisplanet.Areweclear?”
“Yes,ma’am.”
“Ididn’thearyou.”
“Yes,ma’am!”
“Okay,nowlookforthatmovie,I’llberightback.”
Iwatchherleaveandsmilelikeafool,gratefultohaveherbymyside,otherwiseIwouldbefallingapart.Ithinkwhatupsetsmethemostisthat,evenknowingwhatmymotherhadtogothroughwithmyfather,Istillfellforthatidiot.Justanothergirl,blindedbylove.I’mdisappointedinmyself.
Iturnonmycomputerandopenthebrowsertosearchforamovie.MyFacebookautomaticallyopenswhileItypeintotheaddressbar.IhearanewmessageringandmyheartcrumplesinmychestwhenIseethenameandmessage.
AresHidalgo:Sorry.
Asadsmilecrossesmylips.Ileaveitonseenandsimplycontinuemysearch.ItringsagainandIopenhisnextmessage:
AresHidalgo:Iamtrulysorry.
Iclickhisnameandblockhimsothathecan’tsendmeanymoremessages.
Good-bye,GreekGod.TWENTY-THREETheSoccerGame
Soccer:themostpopularsportintheworldandoneofmyfavorites.Idon’tknowwhenIdevelopedapassionforwatchingthegames.MaybeitstartedthedayIsawAresplayinginhisbackyard,ormaybeitwaswhenDani’smomtookustoseeDeanplayinhisfirstgame.Inanycase,Ienjoyit,andIdidn’thesitatewhenDaniaskedifIwantedtogowithher,Carlos,andYoshitoanotherofDean’sgamestosupporthim.Withallmybeing,ItrytoforgetthatAresisalsoontheteam,andthatmeansI’llseehimforthefirsttimesincethatterriblemorning.
Iwon’tdenythatit’sbeenadifficultfewdays,especiallyatnightwhenIclosemyeyes.Ican’thelpreplayingeverythingoverandoveragain,asiftryingtofindthemomentorthereasonwhyeverythingendeduplikethis.TherewereeventimeswhenItooksomeoftheblame.Hewarnedme.Hewasveryclearaboutwhathewanted,butIstillgavemyselftohimnotonlyoncebuttwice.I’vefoundmyselfstaringatthewindowsometimes,notdaringtolookoutandpeekathishouse.It’spainfultorememberhimclimbinguptheladder,hissmirk,hiseyes,allofhimtherewithmeinmyroom.
Ishakemyheadtoclearthesethoughts.Icameheretohavefunandenjoymyfavoritesportwithmyfriends.Although,ifI’mbeinghonest,Iknowthatmyracingheartbeatandsweatyhandsarenotduetothegame.
WhydoesitmakemesonervoustoknowI’mgoingtoseehim?
Itrytoreassuremyselfthathe’llbefaraway,andhewon’tevenseemeornoticemeamongthepeopleinthestands.Itrytocalmdownaswewalkintothefieldandlookforaplacetosit.Danihadtroublefindingaspotintheparkinglotand,asIpredicted,theplaceisfull.Weseeaspaceinthesecondrowofseatswithagoodviewofthefield,sowehurryover.Apolojoinsus—he’sbeenhangingoutwithusatschoollately.
Danisitsdownfirst,thenApolo,Carlos,Yoshi,andme.Idon’tliketobesofarawayfromDani,butIdon’twantYoshitothinkthatIdon’twanttositnexttohim.There’sonlyabitofdaylightleft,thesunisalmostgone,andtheskyturnsgrayasitwelcomesthedarknessofthenight.Thebigfieldlightsturnon,illuminatingthefreshlymowedgrass.
Myeyesdancearoundtheplayers,stretchingandpracticingwithasoccerball.Ourteam’suniformisblackwithredstripesandrednumbers,whiletheotherteam’sisallwhite.
Numberfive.Whereareyou,GreekGod?
Asifhewantedtoanswerme,Aresappears,walkingwithhischaracteristicconfidence.Myheartfluttersinmychestasiftochaseafterhim.Hisuniformshortsareperfectlytailoredtohisdefinedlegsandhisshirtfitstightly,exposinghismusculararms.He’swearingsomesortofsuperthinredelasticheadbandtokeephisblackhairawayfromhisforehead.Andonhisleftarmhe’swearingthecaptain’sarmband.
MyGod,whydoyoumakeitsohardforme?Whydoyougethottereveryday?I’mconfusedenoughasitis.
Aresgreetsanotherplayer,whoIcanonlyseefrombehind,butheseemsveryfamiliar.Theytalk,andAres’sexpressiongrowsserious,asifhe’sdecidingsomethingimportant.Theunknownplayerturnsslightly—it’sMarco.HowdidIforgetthathealsoplaysonthisteam?
ImakeafacerememberingthedanceIdidforMarco.God,howembarrassing.But,well,Marcodoesn’tlookbadatallinthatuniform.Myeyesgodowntohisass,andoh—nice.
Raquel,forGod’ssake!
Imentallyslapmyself.Havingsexhasdefinitelyunleashedmywildside.AreslaughsandshakeshisheadatsomethingMarcosays,andIstopbreathing.Helookssocutewhenhelaughs.
“Raquel?”Yoshibringsmebacktoreality.
“Yes?”Ilookathim,andYoshi’seyesarenarrowed.
“Enjoyingtheview?”
Iletoutachuckle.“Alittlebit.”
“Iaskedyouifyouwantedsoda,I’llgetsome.”
“No,I’mfine.”
CarlospokeshisheadoutfrombehindYoshi’sback.“Areyousureyoudon’twantanything,myprincess?”
“I’mfine.”
ApoloandDaniappeartobehavingaconversationdownthebench.Well,Daniistalking,andApoloisjustsittingtherenodding,redasatomato.CarlosandYoshigodownthestairstogetsodasastheannouncer’svoicecomesoverthespeakers.
“Goodevening!Welcometotheopeninggameofthisyear’smunicipalsoccerchampionship.Giveawarmwelcometotheguestteam,theGreenwichTigers!”
Theopposingteam’sfansarehowling,yelling,andpartying,whilewejustboo.
Theannouncercontinues.“Nowlet’sgivearoundofapplauseinsupportofourhometeam,thePanthers!”
Everyoneismakingascene,screamingandjumpingupanddown,includingme.ItakeadvantageoftheguysleavingandslidedowntostandnexttoApolo.DaniseesmeandimmediatelygrabsApolobytheshoulderstoshuffleinbetweenus.
Daniwhispersinmyear.“Igetwhyyouweregoingtopractice.Everyoneishot.Withtheexceptionofmybrother,ofcourse,because,gross.”
“WhereisDean?”
Danitakesmychinandmovesmyfaceinthedirectionofthegoal.“There.You’retoofocusedonyourVoldemorttonoticemypoorbrother.”
I’msavedfromansweringbytheannouncer.“Well,it’salmosttimeforkickoff,ladiesandgentlemen.Let’sgivebothteamsaroundofapplauseandwishthemallthebest!”
Thecrowdscreams,raisingtheirhandsintheair.Onmyside,everyonestartsshouting,“Panthers,Panthers!”Excitementseepsintomyveinsandforasecond,Ienjoyitfully,forgettingthatarrogantcaptainwhohasmyheartinhishands.
Youcanfeeltherivalrybetweenthetwoteamsintheair.Greenwichistheclosesttownandtheyalwaysbelittleus,claimingwe’retalentlessvillagers.We’vemadethemswallowtheirwordsoverandover.ThePanthershavewonseveralregionalchampionships,andwe’veevengonetostatewhiletheyhaven’tmadeitpastthefirstplay-offs.
Theteamstakethefield,eachplayertohisposition,andthestandsvibratewithexcitement.Iclaploudly,myeyesfallingonAresagain.HowcanInotlookathimwhenhelookssoconfident,soexcited?
You’reanidiot,Raquel,mybrainreproachesme.Hehashurtmesomuch,butIcan’tstoplookingathimandsighinglikeastupidgirl.IwishfeelingshadanOnandOffbutton.Thatwouldmakethingseasierforsomanypeople.BecauseIknowIhavefeelingsforhim,IknowI’mfoolingmyselfbysaying,“I’mfallinginlovewithhim,”whenthetruthisthatI’malreadyinlove.There’snoturningback,evenifadmittingwhatIfeeldoesn’tchangeanything.Hedoesn’tfeelthesameway,soIhavetoswallowmyfeelingsandgoonwithmylifeasifnothinghappened.
Yoshiappearsnexttome,andCarlostakestheseatnexttohim.Yoshioffersmehissoda.“Areyousureyoudon’twantsome?It’sCoke,yourfavorite.”
“Justasip.”Idrinkalittleandgiveitbacktohim.
Yoshiadjustshisglassesandthrowsaglancemywayasifhewantstosaysomething,buthedoesn’t.Oureyesmeet.
“Raquel,istheresomethinggoingonbetweenyouandthatHidalgoguy?”
“Apolo?Ofcoursenot,he’sjust—”
“Idon’tmeanApolo,andyouknowit.”
“No,ofcoursenot.”WhyamIlyingtohim?
Yoshiopenshismouthtoprotest,buttherefereeblowsthewhistle,startingthegame.IsmileatYoshiandturnmyfocustothematch.Thebeginningofthegameisreallylively.Carloswhistleswithexcitement.“Didyouseehowhardherantogetthatpass?Thatguyisreallygood.”
Aresisplayingwell,whichdoesn’thelpme.AllIwanttodoisscreamlikeafangirleverytimehegetsclosetothegoal.
Danihitsmewithherelbow.“Youhavegoodtaste.Notonlyishecuteandsmart,he’sgoodatsports.”
Andheisalsoverygoodatsex.
Iwanttosayit,butIjustsmile.Nearlyhalfwaythroughthefirsthalf,Aresisrunningwiththeball,approachingthegoal.Everyoneinthestandsisstandingup,cheeringhimon.Butthenthegoaliecomesoutandrunsathim,crashingintoAreswithathud.AscreamofhorrorleavesmylipsasIseeAresontheground,writhinginpain,withhisfaceinhishands.
Withoutthinking,Ijumptomyfeetandalmostruntohim,butDanigrabsmyarmandstopsme,remindingmeofthesituationbetweenus.Marcohelpshimup,andacoupleoftheotherplayershalfcarryhimtotheedgeofthefield,nearthebleachers.IgrowevenmorealarmedwhenIseebloodcomingoutofhisnose.
Theannouncercomesoverthespeakersagain.“Itlooksliketherewasabigcollisionbetweenthestrikerandthegoalkeeper.Therefereegaveayellowcard,butthePanthersarenothappy.”
ThetrainerpassesAresaragandhetakesit,wipingawaytheblood.Hisblueeyesmeetmine,andIcan’thelpbuttrytoaskhim,movingmylipsinthehopethatheunderstandsthequestiondespitethedistancebetweenus,“Areyouallright?”
Hejustnods.
Isitbackdown,relieved.Yoshirollshiseyes,andDanigivesmeaknowinglook.InoticethatApoloisn’tinhisseat.
“Herantheotherwaywhenyougotup,”Daniexplains.“Ithinkhe’smakingsurehisbrotherisokay.”
“Thatwasareallydirtymove,”Carlossays.
Yoshitakesasipofhissoda.“Iagree.”
Apoloreturns,andhisfaceisredbutnotwithgrief.It’sthefirsttimeI’veseenhimsoangry.
Danisqueezeshisshouldercomfortingly.“He’sgoingtobefine.”
Apolosaysnothing,justclencheshisfistsathissidesandsitsback,takingadeepbreath.Ithinkit’sextremelycutethathecaressomuchabouthisbrother.Thegamecontinues,andthetensionbetweentheteamsispalpable.ThePanthersareangry.Arescontinuestoplay,checkinghisnosefromtimetotime.There’snomoreblood,butIimagineitstillhurts.
Poorthing.
No,poorlittlenothing,hebrokeyourheart.
Getittogether,Raquel.
It’salmosttheendofthefirsthalfwhenthebestplayofthematchbegins.ThemidfieldermakesalongpasstoMarco,who,afteroutwittingtwoopposingplayers,passesittoAres,whorunstoreceiveitatthesideofthegoal.Everyoneclimbstotheirfeetinexcitement.Areskickstheballdiagonallyanditgoesintothegoalfromthecorneratanimpressiveangle.
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAL!”theannouncer’svoicebooms.
Wealljumpandscreamlikecrazy.Theplaceisgoingtoexplode.
“Inyourface,youfuckinggoalie!”Apoloshouts,surprisingusall.
Aresrunswithhisarmsstretchedintheair,celebratingthegoal.Asheapproachesthestands,hegrabstheedgeofhisshirtandliftsituptorevealsomethingwrittenonhisstomach.
Witch.
Istopbreathing,bringingmyhandtomymouthinsurprise.
Theannouncerspeaks.“Wow,itlookslikethescorerisdedicatinghisgoaltosomeone.Whoistheluckywitch?”
Ares’sgazemeetsmine,andhesmilesatmebeforebeingembracedfrombehindbyallofhisteammatesincelebration.Myheartbeatswildlyandthreatenstoburstoutofmychest.
AresHidalgoisgoingtodrivemecrazywithhisconfusingsignals.
Correction:hehasalreadydrivenmecrazy.TWENTY-FOURTheConfession
Whenthegameends,I’mstillprocessingthefactthatAresHidalgodedicatedagoaltome.Athousandthoughtshaverunthroughmyheadinthelasttenminutes.MaybehehasasecretgirlfriendthathecallsWitch—someonewhoisn’tme.Buthelookedatmeandsmiled…atme.
I’moverthinking.
Ishouldn’tlethimgettome.Ishouldn’tletonegesturebreakmyresolvetostayawayfromhim.Yes,hemighthavededicatedagoaltome,butthatshouldn’tbeenough,notafterallthedamagehe’sdone.
Partofme—mostofme—wantstorunintohisarms,buttherationalpart,thepartthathasregainedherdignity,doesn’tapprove,andIdecidetolistentoher.ThoughIwonderifmydecisionisactuallyduetoadifferentemotion,onethat’snewtome:fear.Fearoflettinghiminandgettinghurtoncemore.Ican’ttakeitagain,soIwon’triskit.
“Wow,thatwasexciting,”Danisays,pressingherelbowintomyribsplayfullyaswewalkdownthebleachers.
“Yeah,”Apoloagrees.“Ilovedthegame.Three–nil.Thatgoaliedeserveditafterwhathedidtomybrother.”
“Wehavetocelebrate!”Carlostriestotakemyhand,butDani,likeanexpertninja,slapshim,deflectinghim.“Ow!”
“Youdeserveit,”Isay,“Idon’tlikebeinggrabbedlikethat.”
“Understood,”assuresCarlos.
IlookatYoshi,buthe’slookingweirdlyserious.
“Guys,weshouldgocongratulatetheplayers,”Apolosuggests.
Apolo’sideadoesn’tsoundtoogoodrightnow.Idon’twanttofaceAres.It’sonethingtobestrongenoughtostayaway,andit’squiteanothertohavethatdedicationwhenhe’sinfrontofme.
Daninoticesmydiscomfort.“Nope,we’dbettergotothecelebrationparty.”
“Celebrationparty?”Iask,confused.
Carlospatsmeontheback.“Aren’tyouuptodatewiththesocialevents,princess?It’sthepartytheteamholdswhentheywin.”
Ofcourse,howcouldIforgettheinfamousPanthers’parties?I’veonlybeentoonebecauseDeaninvitedus.Unfortunately,onthatoccasionIwascompletelyinvisibletoAres.Hewasalwaysinacrowdofpeople.
Wewalkpastthefieldasweheadtotheparkinglot.Ican’thelpbutglanceovertowheretheplayersaregathered,talking.Aresisthere,completelydrenchedinsweat,hishairstickingtothesidesofhisfacethesamewayhisuniformisstickingtohisbody.Howcanhestilllooksexywhenhe’sallsweaty?Ineedprofessionalhelp.
Hiseyesmeetmine,andIfreeze.Hegivesmeamischievoussmileandtakestheedgeofhisshirtandpullsitoffoverhishead.Alotofplayerswalkaroundshirtless,sonoonethinksit’sstrange.MyeyestraveldownhistorsotowherethewordWitchhasalreadyfaded.Ibitemylip.
Ihatemyhormones.
Shakingmyhead,Ilookawayandcontinuewalking.IonlymanagetotakeafewstepsbeforeIcrashintoYoshi.“Ow!Ididn’tseeyou!”
“Let’sgetoutofhere,”hesays.Yoshitakesmyhand,andIlethimeventhoughIjusttoldCarlosofffordoingthesamething.Hedragsmetotheparkinglot,whereeveryoneelseisalreadywaitingforusinDani’scar.Apolohastakenmyplaceinthepassengerseat,soIsitinthebackinthemiddleofYoshiandCarlos.Theybothsmellgreat.Iloveitwhenaguysmellsgood.Aressmellsdivine.
Shutup,hormones!
Thepartyhouseislocatedeastoftown,abouttenminutesfrommyhouse.Youcanhearthemusicfromoutside,bassboomingoffthewallsofthegianttwo-storybuilding.Therearegroupsscatteredaroundthegardenwithplasticcupsintheirhands.I’msurprisedtoseesomanypeopletherealready.Theysuremovefastwhenthere’saparty.
Asweheadtothefrontdoor,Itrynottocovermyears.Electronicmusicvibratesthroughoutthehouse.Themainlightsareoff,andtheonlylightcomesfromafewdimlylitcoloredlamps.TheDJisinthelivingroom.He’sathinguywithlonghairandtattooedarmswholookscompletelyfocusedonwhathe’sdoing.
“Let’sgetsomedrinks!”Danigrabsmyhandsothatwedon’tgetseparatedinthemassofpeople.
Thekitchenisfullofteenagers,butsomehowDanimanagestogetusalladrink.Takingasipofwhatever’sinthatplasticcup,Ican’thelpbutrememberthelasttimeIdrankatAres’shouse,thetequila,hissmile,hiskisses.
No,no,Raquel.
Iamheretodistractmyself,nottothinkabouthim.
AsifDanicanreadmymind,sheyells,“Let’sdance!”
Weheadtothemiddleoftheroomandstartshimmyingtotherhythmofthemusicwithourcupsintheair.Forasecond,Iletmymindflyawayfromanymemories.Idance,Idrink,IlaughatCarlos’scrazymovements,andatApolo’sblushingfacewhenDanidancesnexttohim.I’mfree.
Yoshitakesmyarmandturnsmetowardhim.Iplayalong,puttingmyarmsaroundhisneckanddancingwithhim,andthenImaketheseveremistakeoflookingup.BecausewhenYoshi’seyesmeetmine,theintensityinthemtakesmybreathaway.I’vealwaysthoughtYoshiwascute,butsomethingaboutthismoment,maybethemoodorhiscloseness,fuelssomethingwithinme.
“PillowTalk”byZaynMalikplaysinthebackgroundandthesoft,seductiverhythmmakesusmoveslowlyagainsteachother.Hishandsslidedownmywaistuntiltheylingeronmyhips.Mylipsopenandhelickshis,wettingthem.Iwanttokisshim.
Thesesensationstakemebysurprise.Yoshipresseshisfingersintomyhipsandleansintomeuntilhisforeheadtouchesmine.Hisnoseistouchingmine.Memoriesofallthetimeswe’vesharedcomefloodingback,allthetimeshehasmademelaugh,forgetmyproblems,andhowhe’salwaysbeenthereforme.He’smybestfriend.Upuntilafewyearsago,thatwasallIthought,butthenthatinnocentboytransformedintoacuteboy.I’vebeenattractedtohimmorethanonce,butIneverdaredtodoanythingaboutitforfearoflosinghisfriendship.
Yoshisighs,closinghiseyes.“Raquel…”
Itenseupattheseriousnessofhistone.YoshialwayscallsmeRochi.Heonlyusesmynamewhenhe’stalkingaboutsomethingveryintenseordelicate.
Withmyheartinmythroat,Ianswer.“Yes?”
“I’mdyingtokissyou.”
Myheartskipsabeat,andhewatchesformyreaction.Ijustnod,givinghimmyconsent.IcanalmostfeelhislipsonminealreadyasIclosemyeyes.
Ares’sfacesuddenlyappearsinmymind,makingmetakeastepback.Yoshilooksatmeconfusedly,andI’mabouttosaysomethingwhenaguywithamicrophoneinterruptsus.
“Allright,boysandgirls!Timetowelcometheplayers.”
Everyoneshouts,raisingtheircups.Theteamwalksintotheroom,allfreshlyshoweredandinregularclothes.Aresiswiththem,wearingablackshirtthatsuitshim.Infact,blackisacolorthatsuitshimtoowellformytaste.
TheguywhoIrecognizeastheteam’sgoalkeepercontinues,“Firstofall,let’swelcomethecaptain,whogaveusthreebeautifulgoalstoday.”
“Ares!Ares!Ares!”Everyonejoinsthecheers,andIlowermyhead.
“Captain.”ThegoalkeeperslipsanarmbehindAres’sshoulders.“Youplayedlikeneverbeforetoday,butwealsoknowthatyoudedicatedagoaltoagirl.”
“Yes!”thepeoplearoundmeshout.
“Ithinkweallwanttoknowwhotheluckywitchis.”
Agirlfromtheaudienceraisesherhand.“I’llbeyourwitchanytime,handsome!”
“Willyourevealheridentity?”
Areslaughs,shakinghishead.“Sheknowswhosheis,andthat’senough.”
“Boo!Tellus!Tellus!Tellus!”
Aresshakeshisheadagainandwalksaway.
Thegoalkeepershrugshisshoulders.“Okay,backtotheparty.Enjoy!”
Yoshigrabsmyhandanddragsmethroughthecrowd.
“Hey,Yoshi!”Icomplain,surprisedbyhisforce.
Weleavethehouse,andhetakesmetothesidewalk,farenoughawayfromthepeopleinthegarden.Heletsgoofme,andIcanseehowannoyedhelooks.“What’swrong?”Iask.
“Pleasetellmeitwasn’twithhim.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Tellmeyoudidn’tloseyourvirginitytothatidiot.”
Ifreeze,notknowingwhattosay.
“Raquel,tellme!Ah!Shit!AresHidalgo?Thatarrogantassholewhotreatswomenlikedirt?Whatwereyouthinking?”
“Iwasn’tthinking!Iwas…just…”
“Youwhat?Youwhat?”
“Igotcarriedawaybymyfeelings!”
“Feelings?Areyouinlovewithhim?”
Iwanttosayno,Iwanttoscreamno,butthewordsstayinmythroat.Yoshilookssodisappointedthatithurts.Ithurtsmetoseehimlikethis.“Yoshi…I…”
“Youare.You’reinlovewithhim.”Heputshishandsonhisheadandletsoutalongsighofexasperation.
Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’veneverbeensoconfusedinmylife,andthenYoshistartstotalk,disconcertingmeevenmore.
“Ilikeyou,Raquel.Ireallylikeyou.”
Everythingstops,Icanonlylookintothosehoney-coloredeyesfloodedwithtears.
“I’vealwayslikedyou,IthoughtyouandIwouldenduptogetherlikesomeoverusedromanticcliché.”Asadlaughescapeshislips.“Iguessitwastooperfecttobereal.”
“Yoshi…”
“I’mleaving.Telltheothers.Enjoytheeveningwithyouridiot.”
“Yoshi.Wait.”
Hedoesn’tlistentomeandstartstowalkaway.Myheartisbeatinglikecrazy.Idon’twanthimtoleave,butwhatwillIdoifhestays?WhatdoItellhim?
ButthenYoshistopsafewfeetawayandturnstomeagain.Iwatchhiminsurpriseashewalkstowardmequickly.Hiseyesarefullofdetermination.
“Fuckitall!”
“Yoshi,what—”
Hetakesmyfacewithbothhandsandkissesme.TWENTY-FIVETheCelebration
Yoshi’skisstakesmebysurprise.
NotonlybecauseIdidn’texpectitbutalsobecausethemomenthislipstouchmine,newandpleasantsensationsseizemybody.Hiskississoftandslow.HetastesofvodkaandsomethingsweetthatIcan’tdecipher,butIlikeit.Hesucksonmybottomlip,thenkissesmeagain,deepeningthekissalittle.
Thethinkingpartofmybraindisappears,andmyhormonestakethewheel.Iallowmyselftoenjoythiskiss.I’masinglegirlbeingkissedbyacuteguy,andthere’snothingwrongwiththat.Yoshigrabsmywaist,pullingmeclosertohim,andIwrapmyhandsaroundhisneck.IneverimaginedYoshicouldkisssowell.Histonguecaressesthecornerofmylips,makingmeshiver.
Someoneclearstheirthroat.
Andthat’swhenIrememberthatweareinfrontofthehouse,infullviewofeveryone.IseparatefromYoshi,withouttakingmyhandsoffhisneck,andturnmyheadtolookatthepersonwhoclearedhisthroat.
Marco.
Myheartstops,becausehe’snotalone.Behindhim,afewstepsaway,isAres.Hishandsareinhispantspocketsandhiseyesareonme.
Ohshit.
Hisfaceisanempty,indecipherablemask.Isheangry?Disappointed?Surprised?Ordoeshejustnotcare?Ican’ttellfromhisexpression,whichgivesnothingaway.
MyhandsdropfromYoshi’sneckandfalltomysides.WhatweretheoddsofAresleavingthehouseatthisverymoment?Marcogivesmeanamusedsmile,histoneteasing.“Youneverceasetoamazeme.”
Aresturnshisgazeawayfrommeandstartswalkingpastus.“Comeon,wedon’thaveallnight.”Hisvoiceisneutral,remindingmeofthefirsttimewespoke.
Hepassesbywithoutanotherglance.Hereallydoesn’tcare.Whydoesthathurtmesomuch?WhydoIwanthimtocare?Marcogivesmeonelastsmileandfollowshim.IwatchthemheadtoAres’scar,whichisparkedonthestreet,topulloutsomecratesofwhatlookslikebeer.
Yoshigrabsmyhand.“EarthcallingRaquel.”
IstoplookingatAresandfocusonmybestfriend,theguyIjustkissed.Shit,whatanight!
“I’msorry,Ijust…It’snothing.”
Yoshicaressesmycheek.“Ifanyoneneedstoapologizehere,it’sme.I’msorry,Iknowhowyoufeelabouthim.Idon’texpectyoutoactlikeyoudon’tcareovernight.”Headjustshisglasses,andIcan’thelpthesmilethatspringstomylips.Yoshiissosweet,andontopofit,hekisseswelltoo.
“Weshouldgoinside.”Idon’twanttofaceAresagainwhenhecomesbackwiththosecrates.
Yoshinods.“Okay,butfirstIwantyoutoknowthatthisisn’taone-nightthingforme.Ireallycareaboutyou,andIwantustotry.”
“Icareaboutyoutoo,butIdon’twanttohurtyou.”
“Iknow,”hesayswithasmile.“Let’stry,andifitdoesn’twork,wecanjustbefriends,butatleastwe’llknowwetried.”Hepauses,butIdon’tsayanything.“Justthinkaboutit,okay?Youdon’thavetoanswernow.”
Ijustnodandgrabhishandtoleadhimbackintothehouse.“Allright,nowlet’sgo,Casanova.”
Yoshilaughs,andwegoinsidetogether.
Itendtounderestimatetheabilityofalcoholtogetpeopledrunkinashortamountoftime.We’reallprettytipsy,sotospeak,butCarlosispastthepointofnoreturn.He’sunconsciousononeofthecouchesinthehouse,droolingontoafloweredcushion.Apolo,beingtheniceguythatheis,checksCarlos’sbreathingeverysooften.
I’mhavingagreattimeandevenmanagetocompletelyforgetaboutAresfromtimetotime.ButthemoreIdrink,themoreIthinkabouthim.Idon’tknowifit’sasideeffectofthealcohol,butitbothersme.Idon’twanttothinkabouthim,Idon’twanttoscantheroomeverynowandthentoseeifIcanfindhim,Idon’twanttowonderwhathe’sdoingandwhohe’swith.
Idon’tcareabouthim,Idon’tcareabouthim,Ikeeprepeatingtomyself.DanigivesApoloakissonthecheek,tellinghimhowcuteheis,andhejustblushes,loweringhishead.Ishakemyhead,andthenIseehim.Areswalkspastwithatall,slenderbrunettewithwavyhair.Hedoesn’tevenlookaround;hejustcontinuesonhiswaythroughthecrowduntilhereachesthestairs.Hewalksupthemwithher,bothofthemlaughingtogether.
Mystomachdrops.Iknowwhatpeoplegoupstairstodointhoserooms.Judgingbythelookthebrunettewasgivinghim,shereallywantshim.Jealousygnawsatme,andthenIrealizethathereallydoesn’tcareaboutme.Justseeinghimwiththatgirlmakesmefeellikemyheartisgoingtoexplode,andimagininghimkissingherturnsmystomach.YethesawYoshikissingmeanddidn’tcare;hedidn’tevenlooksurprised.
That’sthebigdifferencebetweenhimandme.Ifeeleverything,andhefeelsnothing.I’mtheonlyoneinlove.It’salwaysbeenthatwaywithhim.SowhyamItorturingmyselflikethis?Ihavetogethimoutofmymindandoutofmyheart.Idon’twanttofeelthiswayanymore.Idon’twanttofeelhurtanddisappointed.
ItakeYoshi’sglassanddrinkuntilit’scompletelyempty.Everyonelooksatmeinsurprise.Somuchalcoholallatoncemakesmedizzyforasecond,butitpasses,andIgrabDani’sglassanddothesame,butshestopsmehalfwaythrough.
“Hey,calmdown,there’snohurry!”
Ihandherbackherglass,breathingheavilyafterdrinkingsomuchinonegulp.“I’msorry,Igotexcited.”
Shegivesmeaskepticallook.“Areyouallright?”
Iforceasmile,buttheimageofAreswiththatgirlisburnedintomymind.“I’mdoinggreat.”
Myearsgethot,asdoesmyface.Rememberthequalitiesofalcohol?Feelingbrave,ItakeYoshi’shandandstandup,forcinghimtostandwithme.
“Hey,what’swrong?”Yoshisaystomeinsurprise.
“We’llberightback,”ItellDaniandApolo,pullingYoshibehindme.
Climbingthestairsisharderthanitlooks,especiallyiftheworldisspinning.Iholdontighttotherailing,andwiththeotherhandIkeeppullingYoshi,wholetsoutaconfusedchuckle.
“Wherearewegoing,Rochi?”heasks.Wereachthetopofthestairsandfindadarkhallwayfullofdoorsoneitherside.
“Let’shavefun,likehim—likeeveryoneelse,”Isayquickly,butYoshiissodrunkhedoesn’tnotice.
Inevitably,IimagineAresbehindoneofthosedoors,makingoutwiththatbrunette,hishandstouchingher,makingherreachadeliciousorgasm.Mystomachchurns,andIgag.IstaggeracrossthehallwaywithYoshifollowingme.IpickadooratrandombecauseIknowfatewon’tbesocruelastomakemeentertheroomAresisin.
It’sasmallroomwithasinglebed.Idon’tbothertoturnonthelight.Thelightfromthemoonisbrightenoughtoseeeverything.IgrabYoshibytheshirtandthrowhimonthebed.Iclosethedoor,gigglinglikeafool,playingwiththeedgeofmyshirt.
“Yoshi…”
Yoshijustmumbles.“Whatareyoudoing,Rochi?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”Itrytomoveseductivelytowardthebed,butIstaggersomuchthatIhavetoholdontothewall.
Yoshiliftshishandtowaghisfingerbackandforth.“No,Rochi,you’redrunk,notlikethat.”
“You’redrunk,too,youfool.”
Ifocusontryingtopullmyshirtoffovermyhead,butitdoesn’tgopastmyneckbeforeIgettangledup,crashintothewall,andfall.IgetupasfastasIcan,stillwobbly.“I’mfine!”
Theonlyresponseisaloudsnore.IgiveYoshiadeathglare,loweringmyshirtbackintoplace.
“Areyouserious?”Igrowlinfrustrationandpinchhisleg.“Yoshi?Comeon,wakeup!Yoshi!”
Frustrated,Ileavetheroomandleanagainstthedoor.Iseealightattheendofthehall—no,I’mnotdead—andIheadtowardit.IhearallsortsofsoundsasIwalkdownthathallthatIdomybesttoignore.Istopinfrontofawhite-frameddoorwithsquarepanelsofglass,andIopenitbecausethat’swherethelightiscomingfrom.
It’sabalcony,andit’sempty.
OrsoIthink.Iclosethedoorbehindme,andIcanseesomeoneleaningonthebalconyrailingtomyright,cigarettesmokerisingabovehim.Icanonlyseehisback,butIknowit’shim,andmyheartknowsittooandbeatslikethemasochisticidiotitis.
Ares.
Idon’tmove,mymouthisdry,mytonguefeelsheavy,butIthinkthat’sfromthealcohol.Helooksoverhisshoulderatmeanddoesn’tseemsurprisedtoseeme.Infact,there’snoexpressiononhisface,thesameasafewhoursago.Idon’tknowwhy,afterthinkingabouthimallnightandlookingforhimconstantly,thatnowthatIhavehimafewstepsawayfromme,Iwanttorunaway.
Areshasn’tlookedatmefully,andyethestillmanagestomakebothmyheartraceandmybreathingpickup.Thetensiononthebalconyistoomuchforme.Likeacoward,Iturntowardthedooragain,but,beforeIcantouchitsknob,hemovesinquickstepsandblocksmyway.
Ialwaysforgethowtallheis,howbeautifulandperfecteveryinchofhisfaceis,andtheintensityofhiseyes.Ilookdown,backingaway,butAresmoveswithme,forcingmebackwarduntilmybackhitsthebalconyrailing.
“Runningaway?”Hisvoiceiscoldandmakesmeshiver.
“No.”Ishakemyhead,andIgetalittledizzy.
Ikeepmyeyesonhischest.Noteventhecouragethatalcoholgivesmeisenoughtofacehim.Thesmellofhiscolognehitsmynose,andIstrugglenottoclosemyeyesandinhaleexaggeratedly.
Imissedhissmell,hispresence,andhisabilitytomakemefeeleverythingwithouteventouchingme.
“Lookatme,”heorders,butIrefuse.“Lookatme,Raquel.”
Reluctantly,Iobey.Hiseyessparkleinthemoonlight.Unwillingly,mygazedropstohislips,andInoticethathispiercingismissing.
“I-Ihavetogo,”Itrytostepasidetopasshim,butheputsbothhandsontherailing,lockingmein.
“Whatareyoudoinguphere?”hepressesme.“Didyoucomelookingforme?”
“Ofcoursenot,theworlddoesn’trevolvearoundyou.”
HegivesmethatstupidsmirkthatIloveandhate.“Nottheworld.Butyoudo.”
Hisarrogantstatementannoysme,andIpushhim,buthedoesn’tmove.“Getoutoftheway!”Ipushhimagainwithoutanysuccess.
“Why?DoImakeyounervous?”
Ilookaway,fakingdisinterest.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Thenwhyareyoushaking?”Idon’tknowwhattosay,soIjustlookaway.“You’reshakingandIhaven’teventouchedyou.Don’tworry,Iwon’teither.”
Why?Ialmostaskoutloud,butIdon’tsayit.He’soutofmylife.Ihavetokeepmywordthistime.
Silencestretchesbetweenus,andIdaretolookupagain.Hisexpressionisasimpassiveasever.Howdoeshemanagetofeelnothing?Howdoeshemanagetoholdmesocloseandnotshowasingleemotion?WhileIshudder,strugglingtokeepmyfeelingsincheck,heissonormal,socalm.Sowhywon’theletmegoifhedoesn’tcareaboutme?Whyisheblockingmyway?
Andthenatideofemotionssweepsoverme.Areshashurtmealot,buthedoesn’tseemtowanttoleavemylifeeither.Imightbeagametohimorwhateverelse,butI’mtiredofgoingaroundincircles,expectingsomethingfromhimthathe’llnevergiveme.He’snotinterestedinbeingwithme.Hehasn’tfoughtmeanyofthetimesItoldhimIwantedhimoutofmylife.
Thememoryofthatdayinhisplayroomcomestomymind.Hisimpatientface,waitingformetoleave.Hishandofferingmethephoneasifinpaymentformyservices.
Squeezingmyhands,Ipushhischestonce.“Letmego!Getoff!”Hemovestotheside,andImoveawayfromhim.Istaggerinthedirectionofthebalconydoor,mystomachtwisting.
No,notnow,don’tpukenow,Raquel.Thisisnotthetime.
IgetsodizzythatIgrabametalchairnexttothedoor.AndIhalffall,halfsitonit.Coldsweatrunsdownmyforehead.“Idon’tfeelverywell.”
Aresappearsatmysideinasecond.“Whatdidyouexpect?Youdranktoomuch.”
Idon’tknowhowheunderstandsmybabbling.“HowdoyouknowIdranktoomuch?”
AndthenIheave.
Yes,ladiesandgentlemen,IvomitgloriouslyinfrontoftheguyI’minlovewith.Thisclearlyqualifiesasthemostdisgustingandembarrassingmomentofmylife.
AresholdsmyhairasIvomitalloverthewoodenfloorofthebalcony.Tearswellupinmyeyesfromtheeffortofeachgag.WhenIfinish,IfeellikeI’vedrunkanotherwholebottleofalcohol.Ican’tevenholdmybodyup;I’mlikearagdoll.Apparently,vomitingmakesmemoredrunk.Ialwaysthoughtitwouldbetheopposite.
Everythingisablur,andAres’svoicebecomessodistant.TWENTY-SIXTheStory-ARES–
IgrimaceasIwatchRaquelfinishvomiting.I’mholdingherheadbecauseapparentlyshecannolongerkeepherbodystandingorsittingoruprightinanyway.Itakeherfaceinmyhandsandblowonittocoolherdown.Hereyesarehalf-closed,andshegivesmeagoofysmile.
“Itsmellslikecigarettesandmintchewinggum,”shesays,chuckling.“Likeyou.”
Iremoveafewlocksofhairthathavestucktoherface.Shetriestoslapmyhandbutfails,herarmsarealmostcompletelyunresponsive.“Youdon’thavetohelpme,GreekGod,I’mfine.”
Iraiseaneyebrow.“Really?Getup.”
“Justleavemehere,I’llbefine.”
Ican’tleaveher,eventhoughshe’snotmyfavoritepersonafterseeingherkissingthatnerd.
Don’tthinkaboutit,Ares.
Lettingoutatiredsigh,Ihelpherstandup,andthenIbenddownalittletothrowherovermyshoulder.ShemumblesasIwalkthroughthebalconydoor.Carryingheracrossthehallwayisn’tdifficult.Shedoesn’tweighmuch,andI’musedtocarryingheavierweightsduringteamworkouts.Iwalkintotheonlyroomthathasn’tbeenusedasamoteltoday.HowdoIknowthat?Becausemyfriendsareinside,playingvideogamesanddrinking.ThefirstonetoseemewhenIwalkinisMarco.
“Letmeguess.”Marcomakesadramaticthinkingpose.“Raquel?”
“Whoisshe?”thebrunetteIbroughtinearlierasks,sittingonGregory’slap.
Luisraiseshishandsinignorance.“AskAres,Istillhaven’tfiguredoutwhatthosetwoareplayingat.”
Igivethemallaseriouslook.“Everyoneout,now.”
Iwaittomakesuretheyleave,andthenItakeRaquelintothebathroomanddropherintothebathtub.Shejustsitsthere,withherheadleaningagainstthesidewall.
“Youvomitedonyourclothes,”Isay,pullingthewhitefloweredT-shirtshe’swearingoverherhead.Sheprotests,butImanagetogetitoff.Herbreastsareexposed,lookingasperfectasIrememberthem,nottoobig,nottoosmall,justtherightsizeforherbody.
Thisisnotthetime,Ares.
Ipullherskirtdowntoherheels.Myeyestraveldownthelengthofherlegs.Herunderwearisblack,contrastingnicelywithherskin.Iswallowthickly,focusingonwhatI’mdoing.Iturnonthefaucet,andsheletsoutascreamascoldwaterpoursoverherhead.
“Cold-cold-cold,”shestutters,herwethairstickingtobothsidesofherface.
Withoutlookingather,Irunthesoapoverherbody,myeyestrainedonthewallononeside.IwanthermorethanIcaretoadmit.
Afterhelpinghertoawkwardlybrushherteethinthebath,Iputatowelaroundherbodyandcarryherovertositonthebed.“Ares…”
“Huh?”
“I’mcold.”
Shemustbe,withallthepeopleinthehouse,theair-conditioningisonfullblast.Raquelseemstohaveregainedalittlemorestrengthafterthebath.Shecanatleastsituponherown.Ihelpherdryoffandthenshethrowsthewettowelonthefloor.
Myeyestraveldownhernakedbody,andIneedallmyself-controlnottohugher.Ihavemissedhersomuch.
She’sdrunk,Ares,Ithink,strugglingwithmyself.Iunbuttonmyshirtquickly.
Raquellaughs.“Whatareyoudoing?”
Itakeitoffandputitonher,buttoningitup.Myshirtfitshersowell.“Liedown,you’llgetoveritifyougetsomesleep.”
“No,I’mnotsleepy.”Sheputsherarmsacrossherchestlikeaspoiledchild.“Tellmeastory.”
“Justliedown.”
“No.”
Shelooksdetermined.Iforcehertoliedown,andIsitnexttoher,leaningmybackagainsttheheadboard.
“Tellmeastory,”sherepeats.Shestickstomyside,runningherhandacrossmyabdomen,huggingme,andIletherbecauseitfeelsfuckinggoodtohaveherbesideme.Icaressherhair,decidingwhattosay.
She’snotgoingtorememberthistomorrow.Thefreedomofbeingabletotellheranythingmotivatesme,andIstarttalking.“Onceuponatimetherewasaboywhobelievedhisparentsweretheperfectcouple,thattheirhomewasthebestintheworld.”Ismiletomyself.“Averynaivechild.”
Shegetsclosertome,hernosebrushingagainstmyribs.“Andwhathappenedtothatchild?”
“Theboyadmiredhisfather,hewashispillar,hisexampletofollow.Astrong,successfulman.Everythingwasperfect,maybetooperfect.Thefathertraveledalotforbusiness,leavinghischildrenandwifealone.”Iclosemyeyes,takingadeepbreath.“Oneday,theboycamehomeearlyfromschool,aftergettinganAonadifficultmathtest.Heranupstairstoshowher,hewantedhertobeproudofhim.Whenheenteredherroom…”
Whitesheets,nakedbodies.
Ipushtheimagesoutofmymind.
“Theboy’smotherwaswithanothermanwhowasnothisfather.Afterthat,everythingdissolvedintomeaninglessexplanations,pleas,andtears,butfortheboyitallsoundedsofaraway.Thesenseofhishome,oftheperfectfamily,vanishedinfrontofhiseyesnomatterwhathismothersaid.”
IstopinthehopethatRaquelisalreadyasleep,butshe’snot.“Goon,Iwanttoknowwhat’snext,”shesays.
“Theboytoldhisolderbrother,andtheywaitedfortheirfathertogethometotellhim.Afteralotofargumentsandemptythreats,thefatherforgaveher.Thetwochildrenwatchedtheirfatherbowdown,forgethispride,andcryinconsolablyinthedarknessofhisstudy.Thatstrongmanlookedweakandwounded.Sincethatday,theirfatherhastirelesslyremindedthemthatfallinginlovemakesthemweak.Theboylearnednottotrustanyone,nottogetattachedtoanyone,nottogiveanyonethepowertoweakenhim,andsohegrewuphopingtobealoneforever.Theend.”
Ilookatthegirlnexttomeandhereyesareclosed,butshestillresponds.“Whatasadending.”
“Lifecanbesadderthanitseems.”
“Idon’tlikethatending,”shegrunts.“I’llimaginethatintheendhedidmeetsomeone,andtheyfellinloveandlivedhappilyeverafter.”
Iburstoutlaughing.“Ofcourseyouwill,Witch.”
“I’msleepy.”
“Thensleep.”
“Ares?”
“Yes?”
“Doyouthinkloveisaweakness?”
Herquestiondoesn’tsurpriseme.“Itis.”
“Isthatwhyyou’veneverfalleninlove?”
“WhosaidI’veneverbeeninlove?”
“Haveyou?”
Isighandlookather.“Ithinkso.”
Herbreathinghasbecomelight,andhereyesareclosed.She’sfinallyasleep.Ismilelikeanidiot,watchingher.Seeinghersleepfillsmewithpeace.
Whatareyoudoingtome,Witch?TWENTY-SEVENTheSecondAwakening–Raquel–
Cold.
Iwakeup,shivering.Iopenmyeyeswithagroan.Thelightstingsasithitsmyvision,forcingmetosquint.Whyisitsocold?Idon’trememberturningontheair-conditioning.
ThefirstthingIseeisashelffullofsportstrophiesandawards,whichconfusesme.Idon’thavethatinmyroom.Asthepictureclearsinfrontofme,Irealizethat’sbecauseI’mnotinmyroom.
“What?”Isitupwithajolt,andmyheadthrobsinprotest.“Ow!”
Iholdmyforehead,andmystomachgrowlsunsteadily.WherethefuckamI?Asifkarmawantstoanswer,something—orrathersomeone—movesalittlenexttome.
Terrified,Iturnmyfacetolook,andamuffledshriekleavesmylipsasIrollbackwardonthebedwithathudandfalltothefloor.“Ow!”Isayagain.
Shit,shit.
Ipokemyfacejustabovethebedandconfirmit.
It’sAresHidalgo,inallhisglory,lyingonhisback,withhisforearmoverhisface.Thesheetscoverhimfromhiswaistdown,leavinghischestandabdomenexposed,sincehe’sshirtless.
Instinctively,IlookdownandrealizethatIhavehisshirton.
“Oh!Crap!”Iholdmyfacedramatically.
Whatthehellhappened?Iwassodeterminednottofallthistime.
Let’ssee,think,Raquel.Remember,think.
Everythingisscatteredinmybrainlikeajigsawpuzzlewithblurry,missingparts.ThelastthingIrememberisbeingwithDani,Apolo,Carlos,andYoshi.ThenYoshiandIwentupstairs.Werewegoingtothebathroom?
Argh!
AndthenAres…onthebalcony…
Andthennothing,emptiness,darkness.
Howfrustrating!
Surprisingly,fallingintohisarmsagainisnotwhatbothersmethemost,butratherthisveryunpleasantfeelingofnotbeingabletoremembereverything.Didwehavesex?Honestly,Idon’tthinkAreswouldhavedoneanythingtomeifIwasthatdrunk.
Ineedtogetoutofhere.Istandupandtheroomspins,soItakeadeepbreath.Aresisstillthesame,withhisforearmoverhiseyes,hislipshalf-openandhischestexposed.
Myshoes…
Myclothes…
Theymustbesomewhere.
Whattimeisit?
Danimustbesoworried!ItwasagooddecisiontotellMomthatIwouldstayatDani’syesterday,otherwiseIwouldbeinrealtrouble.Thestillsleepingpartofmybrainreachesformycellphone,andthenmybrainwakesupandslapsme.
Itwasstolenweeksago,Raquel,wakeup.
Iwalkaround,croucheddown,withoutfindinganyofmyclothes,butwhat—wherearemyclothes?Theyshouldbesomewherearoundifweundressedhere,ordidIundresssomewhereelseandthencomeinhere?Ohmygoodness.Inoticeanopendoortomyrighttowhatlookslikeabathroom,soIwalkin.Myclothesareonthefloornexttothetub.
Afeelingofreliefrunsthroughmybody.Inolongerhavetogooutonthestreetwithonlyaboy’sshirton.IclosethedoorandpickupmywhitefloweredT-shirt,butthesmellofvomithitsmynoseandmakesmegrimace.
Vomit?
DidIvomit?OhJesusChrist.Whatthefuckhappenedlastnight?
There’snowayIcanwearthatshirt.Theskirtisinnobettercondition,butIjustwashthelittlebitsofvomitoffinthesink.Ican’tleavewearingonlyAres’sshirtandnothingunderneath.Thedampskirtdoesn’thelpwiththecold,andIshiveragain,butImanagetobrushmyteethwithmyfingers.
Yoshi.Ohno.Thememoryoftryingtousehimlastnightpopsupinfragmentedpiecesinmymind.Ihavetoapologizetohim.
Walkingbackintotheroom,IallowmyselftolookatAresagain.Hisnaked,whitetorsocontrastswiththeblueofthesheets.Istareathim,fightingtheurgetothrowmyselfonhimandkisseveryuncoveredpartofhisbodyandfeelhisskin.
Focus,Raquel.
Withallthecautionintheworld,Igrabthedoorknobquietly,butwhenItrytoturnit,itwon’tbudge.What?Itryharderanditwon’topen.Ichecktheknobandrealizethatitdoesn’thaveabuttontolockit,justaholewhereakeygoes.
It’slocked.Why?
“Areyoulookingforthis?”
Hisvoicemakesmejump.Iturn,and,tomysurprise,he’ssittingonthebedwithhishandintheair,holdingthekeys.IhatethatIlikehisfacesomuchthatitmakesmeshake.Hehasanamusedsmileonhisface.
“Whyisitlocked?”Iask.
“Therewasapartyherelastnight,remember?”There’sacertainhesitancyinhisvoice.“Ididn’twantanyonetocomeinandbotherus.”
Itrytoswallowbutmythroatisdry.“YouandI…Imean…didwe,youknow?”
“Havesex?”He’salwayssodirect.“Youdon’trememberanything?”
There’sasadnessinhisvoice,asifhewantsmetoremembersomething.Feelingveryembarrassed,Ishakemyhead.“No.”
Hisexpressionturnsandhelooksdisappointedforsomereason.“Nothinghappened,youvomited,Ibathedyouandputyoutosleep.”
Ibelievehim.“Thankyou.”
Hestandsup,andIfeelsmallinfrontofhimagain.
“Openthedoorforme,”Isay.Beingalonewithhiminaroom,bothofusscantilyclad,istoomuch.
Heslipsthekeyintothefrontpocketofhispants.“No.”
Iopenmymouthtoprotest,buthewalkstothebathroom,closingthedoorbehindhim.Whatthehell?Ipursemylipsinfrustration,waitingforhimtocomeout.Whatishetryingtoaccomplishbykeepingmelockedinhere?Iheartheshower.Didhegototakeashower?Isheserious?
I’mdesperatetogetoutofhere.
Minutesthatfeellikeyearspassbeforehefinallycomesbackoutofthebathroomwithonlyatowelaroundhiswaist.Hedropshisclothesinapileonthebed.Dropletsofwaterslidedownhisabdomenandhiswethairisslickedbackfromhisface.Iguesshe’snotcold.
Iclearmythroat.“Openthedoor,Ares.”
“No.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseIdon’twantto.”
Iletoutasarcasticlaugh.“Howmature.”Hesitsonthebed,andhiseyesmovedownfrommychesttomylegs.Iswallowthickly.“Ireallyhavetogo.”
“Youcanleaveafterwetalk.”
“Good.Whatdoyouwantnow?”
“You.”
Hisresponsesurprisesmeandwarmsmybody,butItrytoplayitcool.“Youreallyarecrazy.”
“Why?BecauseItellyouwhatIwant?I’vealwaysbeenhonestwithyou.”
“Yes,toomuch,Iwouldsay,”Itellhim,rememberingthetimehemadeitclearthathedidn’twantanythingseriouswithme.
“Comehere.”
Heatrisestomycheeks.“Ohno,I’mnotgoingtofallforyourgame.”
“Mygame?Ithoughtyouweretheoneplayinggames.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Didyouenjoykissingsomeoneelse?”
Theangerinhisprettyeyesisevidentbut,still,Iliftmychin.“Thetruthis,yes,Idid.Hekissesverywell.Besides,he—”
“Shutup.”
Asmileofvictoryfillsmylips.ThefactthatIcanaffecthimmakesmefeelpowerful.Hehasalwaysmaintainedthaticy,expressionlessdemeanorwithme,butatthismomentIcanseetheemotionsonhisface,andit’srefreshing.“Youasked,”Isay,shruggingmyshoulders.
“Iadmireyourattempttoreplaceme,butwebothknowit’smethatyouwant.”
Hemovesclosertome.ThesmellofshampoocaressesmynoseasIfeelhisbodyheatpassoverme.Lookingintohiseyes,myheartbeatslikecrazy,butIdon’twanttogivehimthesatisfactionofknowinghe’sright.“That’swhatyouthink.Yoshikissessogoodthat—”
“Stoptalkingabouthim.Don’tplaywithfire,Raquel.”
“Jealous?”
“Yes.”
Hisanswershocksme,andIstopbreathing.IsAresHidalgoadmittinghe’sjealous?DidIfallintoanunknowndimension?
Herunshishandoverhisface.“Idon’tunderstandyou.Idedicateagoaltoyou,andyougoandkisssomeoneelse.Whatareyouplayingat?”
“I’mnotplayingatanything.I’mtheonewhodoesn’tunderstandyou.”
Hesmilesandshakeshishead.“Wedon’tseemtounderstandeachother.”Hishandtakesmywristsandpullsthemupovermyhead,holdingthemgentlyagainstthedoor.Heuseshisfreehandtorunhisfingeralongthecurveofmyneckandtheedgeofmybreastsandashiverofpleasurerunsthroughme.
“Butourbodiesdo.”
I’mabouttofall,butIrememberhowcoldhewasafterhetookmyvirginity,andthenhowhesenthismaidtothrowmeoutofhisroomthesecondtimeweweretogether.Iwanthimwithallmysoul,butmyheartwon’tbeabletotakeanotherhit,Iknowitwon’t.
Ican’t.Iwillnolongerfall.
Iknowhedoesn’texpectanysuddenmovements,soItakeadvantage,andwithmybodyIpushhimaway,usingallmystrengthtofreemywrists.Areslookssurprised;hisneckisred,andhisbreathingisagitated.
Hetriestoapproachmeagain,andIraisemyhand.“No.”
Hefrowns.It’sthefirsttimeI’veeverturnedhimdown,andthebewildermentisobviousinhisexpression.“Whynot?”
“Idon’twantto.I’mnotgoingtofall,notthistime.”
Herunshishandthroughhishair.“Youthinktoomuch.Youtalktoomuch.Comehere.”
Hereachesouthishandtowardme,butIslapitawaybeforehecantouchme.“No,ifyouthinkI’malwaysgoingtobeavailabletoyouwhenyoufeellikeit,you’rewrong.I’mnotgoingtobeyourplaythingofthemoment.”
Helookssurprised,asifheistrulyhurtbymywords.“Whydoyoualwaysthinksobadlyofme?”
“Becausethat’sallyoushowme.I’vealreadycutyououtofmylife,Ares.So,leavemealone.”
Hegivesmehisstupidsmirk.“Cutmeoutofyourlife?That’snotsomethingyoudoinafewweeks,Raquel.”
“ButI’mstartingtodoit,andI’llgetthere.”
“I’mnotgoingtoletyoudoit.”
Igrowlinfrustration.“ThisiswhatIhateaboutyou!Youdon’ttakemeseriously,butyoudon’tletmegoeither.Why?Doyouenjoyplayingwithmyfeelings?”
“Ofcoursenot.”
“So?”
“Idon’tunderstandwhyyoublamemeforeverything.Youknewwhatyouweregettinginto;Iwasclearwithyou,”Aressays.
“Don’tchangethesubject!Yes,IknewwhatIwasgettinginto,butIdon’twantanymoreofthis.Iwantyououtofmylife,butyouwon’tletmemoveon.”Mychestrisesandfallswithmyrapidbreathing.“Why,Ares?Whywon’tyouleavemealone?”
“Ican’t.”
“Why?”
Iwatchhimhesitateaboutwhattosay,hetwistshislipshesitantly.
Iletoutasadlaugh.“You’renotsayinganythingbecauseyoudon’thaveamotive.Youjustdon’twanttoloseyourfunofthemonth.”
“Stopsayingthat!Idon’tseeyouthatway!”
“Inwhatway?”Ichallenge.
Silenceagain.Thatdoubtfulexpression.
“Youknowthisconversationisgettingusnowhere.Openthedoor,”Isay,buthedoesn’tmove.“Openthedamndoor,Ares!”
Heremainsstill,soIglaretowardthewindow.“Okay,I’lljumpoutthewindow.”
WhenIpassbyhim,hisvoiceisbarelyawhisper.“Ineedyou.”
Istopdeadinmytrackswithmybacktohim.Thosethreewordsareenoughtoparalyzeme.
Arestakesmyhand,turningmetowardhim.Hiseyessearchmine.“Justlistentome.I’mnotgoodwithwords,Ican’tsay…Ican’tsayitorexplainit,butIcanshowyouhowIfeelaboutyou.”Hesqueezesmyhand.“Letmeshowyou.I’mnottryingtouseyou,Iswear.Ijustwanttoshowyou.”Heputsmyhandonhischest.Hisheartisbeatingasfastasmine.
Hebringshisfaceclosertomineslowly,givingmeenoughtimetorejecthim,butwhenIdon’t,hiswarmlipsfindmine.TWENTY-EIGHTTheChange
Iamlost.
Thesecondhislipsmeetmineacurrentofemotionselectrifiesmywholebody,andIrealizethatit’shopeless.IammadlyinlovewithAresHidalgo.
WhatstartedasacrushendedupturningintofeelingssostrongthatIcan’thandlethem.Hedestabilizesme,hemakesmelosecontrol,heawakenssensationsinmethatIneverthoughtIwouldfeel.Andthatmakesmefeelsoexposed,whatIfeelforhimmakesmevulnerable,easytohurt…anditscaresmesomuch.
Hislipsmovesoftlyovermine.Iputmyhandsaroundhisneck,pullinghimclosertome,andhisbarechestcollideswithmine.EventhoughIhavehisshirton,Icanfeeltheheatemanatingfromhisskin.Heintensifiesthekiss,quickeninghismouthonmine,leavingmebreathless.God,hekissessowell.
Ourmovementscausehistoweltocomeuntiedfromhiswaist,andIdon’tcomplain.Ifeelhowhardheisagainstmybarethighashepullsmyskirtup.Arestraceshisfingersdownthebackofmythigh,caressingitgently,andwhenhereachesmywaist,hesqueezesitwithdesire.
Hebreaksawayforasecond,hiseyesfixedonmine.
“Iwantyousobad,Raquel.”
AndIloveyou,Ithink.ButIdon’tsayit,Ijustcaresshisface.
Hekissesmeagainandthistimetherhythmiswild,rough,relentless,thosepassionatekissesthatIremembersowellandthatdrivemecrazy.IwalkbackwarduntilthebackofmykneeshitthebedandIfallwithhimontopofme.MyhandsgouptohishairandIclingtohimasmybodybeginstoburn.Heleavesmymouthagaintomovedowntoleavekissesandnibblesonmyneck.That’smyweakspot.Iarchagainsthim,lettingoutasigh.Hishandslipsinsidemyshirtandhisfingersmoveovermybreasts,squeezingandcaressingthem,drivingmetomadness.Gasping,Iletoutamoanashishandexploresundermyskirt.Ihavenounderwearon—thecontactisdirect.
Aresstopshisattackonmyneckandliftshisfacetolookatmeashisfingerentersme.
“OhGod!”Iclosemyeyes.
Iwanthiminsideme.Ican’twaitanylonger.
Aresgrabsmyanklesandpullsmetohimuntilmylegsaredanglingoffthebed,butI’mstilllyingdown.Spreadingmyselfopenforhim,Iwatchhim.Herubshismemberagainstmywetness,andImoansoftly,waitingforthesensationthatnevercomes.
“Ares,please.”
Hegivesmeamischievoussmile.
“Pleasewhat?”
Isaynothing.Heleansovermetokissmepassionately.Herubshimselfagainstme,tempting,butneverfillingmelikeIwanthimto.
Istopthekiss.
“Please,Ares.”
“Doyouwantmetofuckyou?”hewhispersinmyearlasciviously.Inodmyheadagainandagain,buthedoesnothing.
Determined,Igrabhimbytheshouldersandpushhimontothebeduntilhefallsonhisback.Idigintothepocketsofhispantsforacondom,and,withaseductivesmile,Iputitonhimbeforeclimbingontopofhim.Helooksatmeinsurprise,butIknowhelikesthisnewposition.Ipullmyshirtoffovermyhead,andhishandsgotomybreastsimmediately.Hishardmemberfeelsdeliciouslywarmagainstme.Ineedhimnow.Ineedtofeelhiminsideme.
Iliftmyselfupalittleandpositionhimatmyentrance.Iletmyselffallonhimandfeelhimfillmecompletely.
“Ah,shit,Raquel.”Hemoans,andit’sthesexiestsoundintheworld.ThesensationissowonderfulthatforafewsecondsIdon’tmove.“Youlooksosexyontopofmelikethat.”
HemassagesmybreastsandIstarttomove.I’mnotanexpert,butatleastItry,andmyslightmovementsmakememoanevenmore.Areslickshislips,squeezingmyhips,guidingmetomovefaster,penetratingmedeeply.Iclingtohischest,closingmyeyes.Up,down,inandout,therhythm,thetouchofhot,wetskindrivingmecrazy.
IfeeltheorgasmcomingandIknowit’sgoingtobemind-blowing,soItrytoholditintoenjoythisalittlelonger.Ifeelpowerfulontopofhim,owningeverygruntandmoanhislipsleavebehind.Aresholdsmyhipsandmoveswithme,givingmedeepthruststhatbringmetothebrinkoforgasm.
“Ah!Ares,yes.Yes!That’sit!”
Herisesup,hischestpressesagainstmine,andhismouthfindsmine.Withoutstoppinghissuddenbutdivinemovements,hegrabsmyhair,forcingmetomeethisgazeashemovesinsideme.Thebrightnessandferocityinhiseyesmakeeverythingfeelsomuchmoreintense,asifhewantstoshowmewhathefeelsformerightatthismoment,inthislook,inthisunionofourbodies.
Iclutchhisback,diggingmynailsintohim.TheorgasmmakesmescreamhisnameandtellhimI’mhisagainandagain.Wavesandwavesofpleasurecrossmybody,sendingshiverstoeverynerve,everymuscle.Aresgrunts,andIfeelhimcome.
Irestmyheadonhisshoulderasouracceleratedbreathingechoesaroundtheroom.Idon’tdarelookathim,Idon’twanttoseehisexpression,Idon’twanttoseehimlooklikehewantstothrowmeasidebecausehegotwhathewanted.
Hepushesmyshouldersandseparatesusgently,forcingmetofacehim.Iswallowthicklyandlookupathim.I’msurprisedtoseeabeautifulsmileonhislipsandtendernessradiatingfromhiseyes.Hishandtakesalockofmyhairandtucksitbehindmyear.
“Youarebeautiful.”
It’sthesecondtimehetellsme,butitstilltakesmyheartbysurprise,andmypulseraces.Heopenshislipstosaysomething,butthenhesitatesandclosesthemagain.
Whatdoyouwanttotellme,GreekGod?
ThisisthefirsttimeI’vefeltclosetohim.Iknowitsoundsstrange,buttheothertimeswe’vebeentogether,whenwe’vefinisheddoingit,Ifeltthathewassofaraway,sooutofmyreach.Sharingyourbodywithsomeoneisn’tthesameasbeingclosewiththem,I’velearned.Iraisemyhandandcaresshischeek,hisskinissosoft…hecloseshiseyes,lookingvulnerableandbeautiful.
Iloveyou…
Thosewordsgetstuckinmythroat,makingmelowermyhand.Heopenshiseyes,thequestionofwhyIstoppedtouchinghimevidentinhisface.
Becausetouchingyoumakesmewanttosaysomethingthatwouldscareyou.AndIdon’twanttoruinthemoment.
Ismileathimandgetuptorushtothebathroom.Itakeashower,andmystomachgrowlsinprotest,theearlymorningsexhasleftmeexhaustedandhungry.Aresknocksonthebathroomdoor.
“IbroughtyousomeshortsandaT-shirt,they’reMarco’s,butit’sbetterthangoingoutinyourvomitclothes.”
Icringeatthethought.Iopenthedooralittleandpulltheclothesoutofhishands.They’retoobigforme,butI’mnotcomplaining.WhenIlookinthemirror,ashriekleavesmylips.Apinkandpurplemarkdecoratesmyneck.
Ahickey!
Angrily,Iflingopenthedoor.Aresissittingonthebedwiththetowelwrappedaroundhisnakedhips.Pressingmylipstogether,Igivehimamurderouslook.HeraisesaneyebrowandIpointtomyneck.
“Areyouserious?Ahickey?”
Aressmilesandisabouttosaysomethingwhensomeoneknocksonthedoor.Marco’svoicesoundsontheotherside.
“Areyouawake?”
“Yes,”Aresanswers.
“Comedownforbreakfast,weordereddelivery.”
IlookatAres.Idon’twanttobeclingyorbotherhim,butIdon’tknowifIshouldstayorleave.Aresstandsupandwalkstowardme.
“We’llbedowninfiveminutes,”hetellsMarco.Hestopsinfrontofme,givesmeashortkiss,andheadstothebathroom.
AmIdreaming?Aresisbeingcuteafterhavingsex.Isheondrugs?Didhehithisheadonarock?
WhenArescomesback,IusehisphonetoletDaniknowthatI’mokay,andItellhertocallYoshitomakesurehe’ssafe.Weheaddownstairs,andIcan’thelpthenervesthatcomeoverme.IknowAres’sgroupoffriends,butI’mnotyetfamiliarwiththem.Theonlymomentwe’vesharedwasn’texactlyperfect.IrememberclearlyhowIdancedforMarco,Ares’sjealousreaction,andLuisandGregory’slaughter.
Myhairisinahighponytail,andIfeelalittleuncomfortableinMarco’sclothes.Ihesitatemidwaydownthestairs.Aresseemstonotice,andhetakesmyhand,givingmealookoverhisshoulderthatreassuresmethateverythingwillbefine.
AsIreachthebottomofthestairs,thefirstpersonIseeisLuis,sittingonthecouchmassaginghisforeheadandeating.Gregoryislyingonthelargecouch,hisforearmoverhiseyes.ThebrunetteIsawlastnightissittingnexttohim,caressinghisarm.Marcoisstandingbythefireplacewithhishandsonhischest.Hiseyesmeetmineandacrookedsmileformsonhislips.Thefoodisonthelittletableinthemiddleofthefurnitureinplasticcontainerswithsteamcomingout.Itmusthavejustarrived.
“Ialmostleftyouwithoutanyeggs,”Luiscomments,eatingdesperately.
Gregorylooksup.
“Goodmorning,sleepyhead.”Iwaveathim.
“Hello.”
I’msurprisedtoseehowneatandtidytheroomis.Rememberinglastnight’smess,Iwonderhowitgotcleansofast.
Afterwefinisheating,AresandIwalkoutofthere,sayinggoodbyetohisfriends,whichrelievesmemorethanIwanttoadmit.Istilldon’tfeelcomfortablewiththem,and,tobehonest,Idon’tfeelcompletelycomfortablewithAreseither.Despitebeingintimatewithhim,therearestillthoseawkwardsilencesbetweenus.
Aresguidesmetohiscartotakemehome.HegetsinandIdothesame.It’sabeautiful,modernSUV,butit’snothingcomparedtothedriver.Aresputsonhissunglassesandlookslikeamodelreadyforaphotoshoot.He’swearingjeansandawhiteshirtthatheprobablyborrowedfromMarco.Onhisrighthand,aniceblackwatchadornshiswrist.Hestartsthecarandturns,catchingmestaringathimlikeanidiot.
Heputsonsomemusic,andIwatchthehousesgobythroughthewindow.
Tellmeastory…
InarrowmyeyesasthememoryofbeingnexttoAresandbegginghimtotellmeastoryreturns.Didthathappenlastnight?Iturntohimandwatchhimdrive.Howcanhelooksosexydoingsomethingassimpleasthat?Thewaythemusclesinhisarmcontractwhenhemovestheleverandtheconfidencewithwhichheturnsthewheelmakehimlookirresistible.Itmakesmewanttoclimbontopofhimandkisshim.
Aresstopsatagasstationforafewminutes,andIstayinthecar,waiting.Hiscellphoneisstucktothesideofthesteeringwheelwiththescreenexposed.TheannouncementofanewmessagecatchesmyattentionandIcanseethatit’sfromSamy.Ican’tseethecontent,justhernamethere,whichflashesagainwiththreemoremessages.Mystomachchurnsslightly,butIpushitawayasAresgetsbackintothecar.Hegivesmeasmile,andIforgetaboutSamyforafewseconds.
“Ares…”
“Huh?”
“I…”Ilikeyou,Iwantyou,Ialwayswanttobewithyoulikethis.“Uh…nothing.”
Ijuststareathimlikeafoolashedrivestherestoftheway.Myobsession…
MybeautifulGreekgod.TWENTY-NINETheQuestion-ARES–
ThecarrideismoreuncomfortablethanIexpected,anditcatchesmeoffguard.Iclearmythroatbeforespeaking.
“Doyouwantaridehomeortoyourfriend’shouse?”Iask,myhandstightonthesteeringwheelasItakeaturn.Raquelissittinginthepassengerseatwithherhandsinherlap.Isshenervous?
“Myfriend’s.”Shegivesmetheaddress,andsilencefallsbetweenus.Ifeeltheneedtofillit,soIturnontheradiojustas“ihateu,iloveu”bygnashbeginstoplay.ThelyricsstealasmilefromRaquel,andIbegintosingitwiththeintentionoflighteningtheawkwardnessbetweenus.
“Wow,AresHidalgosings,”sheteases.“Ishouldrecordyouandpostit;Ibetitwouldgetalotoflikes.”
Igrinopenlyather.
“You’donlyhelpmypopularitywithgirls.Youwantthat?”
“Yourpopularitywithgirls?Puh-lease!You’renoteventhathot.”
“Noteventhathot?That’snotwhatyouweresayingthismorning.ShouldIrepeatthethingsyouwereaskingmetodotoyou?”
Iglanceather,andsheturnsred.Well,thisisn’tsobad,shelooksmuchmorecomfortablenow.
“That’snotnecessary.”
Ireachoutmyhandandrestitonherthigh.
“Thatwasagoodwaytostarttheday.”
“Pervert.”
Isqueezeherthighgently.
“Butyoulikethispervert,don’tyou?”
“Ugh,Ican’thandleyourego,”shesays.“It’stoobig.”
“Ithinkthat’swhatyoutoldmethismorning.”
Sheslapsmyshoulder.
“Ah!Stophavingdirtythoughts!”
Ilaugh,andthereliefthateverythingisflowingmoresmoothlybetweenusiscutshortbymyphoneringing.IseeSamy’snameonthescreenandpressanswer.Mycellphoneissyncedtomycar’saudiosystemsoIcantalkwithouthavingtotakemyhandsoffthewheel.Samysays,“Hello,”anditechoesallaroundus.Itdoesn’tbothermethatRaquelislisteningbecauseIhavenothingtohide.
“Hello?”
“Hey,whatareyoudoing?”Samyasks,anditsoundslikeshe’seatingsomething.
“I’monmywayhome.Why?”
“IthoughtyouwerestillatMarco’s.Ileftsomethingstheretheotherday.Iwasgoingtoaskyoutobringthemtome.”
“I’vealreadyleft.”
Samysighsontheotherendoftheline.
“Okay,arewestillonforthemovietoday?”IthinkIseeRaqueltenseupnexttome,butIattributeittomyimagination.
“Sure,I’llpickyouupatseven,”Iconfirm.
“Seeyoulater,cutie,”shesaysbeforehangingup.She’salwayscalledmethat.
Silencefillsthecar,andIcursethecallforruiningthegoodvibewehadbuilt.
“Whowasit?”Raquel’svoiceisserious.
“Samy.”
“Hmmm,right.”Herhandsagaintwistinginherlap.“Areyougoingouttoday?”
Inod,stoppingatatrafficlight.
“Yeah,we’regoingtothemovieswiththegroup.”
Itakeadvantageofthetrafficlighttolookather,butshedoesn’tlookatme.Hereyesarefixedonthewindownexttoher,andshepressesherlipstogether.She’sbacktobeingawkwardwithme,andIdon’tlikeit.MythumbtapsthesteeringwheellightlyasIwaitforthelighttoturngreen,andwhenitdoes,Itakeonelastglanceatthegirlbesideme.
Lookatme,Raquel,smileatme,showmethateverythingisallright.
Butshedoesn’tandthatstressesmeout.Idon’twanttoscrewupagain,butapparentlythat’ssomethingthatcomesnaturallytome.
“Ihaveplanstoo,”shesayssuddenly,inastrangetone.DiditbotherherthatI’mmeetingmyfriends?She’sgoingouttoo.
Whatifit’swiththatfriendofhers?
Raquellooksatmeoutofthecornerofhereye,andIrealizethatI’vebeensilentforawhile,andshe’swaitingforareply.Butaskingherwhoshe’smeetingseemsworsethankeepingquiet.Idon’tknowiftellingherthatItrustherwouldmakeitbetterorworse.
Asweparkinfrontofherfriend’shouse,shebarelylooksatmeasshegetsoutofthecar.
No,thisisnotright.
Concerned,Igetoutandfollowher.
“Raquel.”
Shedoesn’tturnaround.
“Raquel.”Istepinfrontofher.“Hey,hey,what’swrong?”
“Nothing.”Buthereyesdodgemine:she’slying.
“Idon’tunderstandyou.DidIdosomethingwrong?”
“Justforgetit,Ares.”Hertoneiscoldnow,anditterrifiesme.
“Raquel,lookatme.”Shedoes,crossingherarmsoverherchest.She’sdefensiveandIhavenofuckingideawhy.IthoughtthateverythingwasgoingwellandthatlastnightIshowedherhowmuchIcare.“I’mtrying,okay?I’mamess,butI’mtrying.”
“Whatareyoutryingtodo?Youdropmeoffandthensayyou’regoingoutwithyourex.”Iopenmymouthtoreply,butshecutsmeoff.“Withyourfriends,fine,butwithoutme,right?Doyoucareaboutmeornot?Idon’tunderstandanythinganymore.AndIdon’twantyoutohurtmeanymore.”
“AndIdon’twanttohurtyou,”Iprotest.Obviously,I’mfailing.
“So,tellme:Whatdoyoufeelforme?”
Thequestioncatchesmeoffguard.Iopenmymouthtosaysomething,butnothingcomesout,andIcloseitagain.Asadsmilecrossesherface.
“Whenyoucananswerthatquestion,comefindme,”shesays.
Andwiththat,sheleavesmestandingtherewiththewordschokinginmythroat,andmyheartburninginmychest.Ican’tanswerherquestion,eventhoughIknowtheanswer.THIRTYTheDisappointment-Raquel–
Timehealsabrokenheart.
Whoeversaidthatneededtospecifyhowmuchtimewasneededforthattobetrue.Asthedaysgoby,Ionlyfeelworse.Idistractmyselfwithschool,hangingoutwithDani,reading,andgoingforwalkswithRocky.Nothingseemstobeworking.Iguessmyfeelingswilleventuallyfadebutnotinafewdays.
I’munsureofhowIwouldreactifIweretoseeAresagain,soIlooktoDani.“Ineedyoutobemyhandbrake.”
Danigivesmeaweirdlook.“Yourwhat?”
“Myhandbrake…liketheonethatcarshave,soyoucanstopmewhenIlosemybrakes,whichinthiscasewouldbemyself-control—”
“Stop,”Daniinterruptsme.“Firstofall,that’stheworstanalogyyou’veevermadeandbelievemeyou’vemadesomeprettybadones.”Iopenmymouthtoprotest,butshecontinues.“Second,youwantmetostopyoueverytimeyouwanttoopenyourlegsforAres?Gotit.Withoutsomuchbeatingaroundthebushandmeaninglessanalogies.”
“Myanalogiesarethebest.”
It’safterschool,andwe’reinherroom.It’sMonday,andthebeginningoftheweekhashitmehard.Ifeelsoexhausted.WhydoIhavetostudy?
Becauseyouneedafuture,mymom’sgrumpyvoicelecturesinmyhead.Danireturnswithherphoneinherhand.
“IalreadyknowthewholeAresstory,butthere’ssomethingIdon’tunderstand.”
“What?”
“TodayyouwereavoidingYoshiatschoolasifhehadtheplague.Why?”
Iletmyselffallonthebed,huggingapillow.“Imayhaveskippedtellingyouthatpartoftheweekend,”Ianswer.
Daniletsherselffallonthebednexttomeandturnsherfacetoseeme.
“Whathappened?”
Istareattheceilingforamoment,sayingnothing,andDaniseemstounderstandeverything.
“Hefinallytoldyouthathelikesyou?”
Iturnmyheadtowardhersofastthatmyneckhurts.“Youknewit?”
“Everyoneknewbutyou.”
Ihitherwiththepillow.“Butwhat…?Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
“Itwasn’tmysecrettotell.”
Ilookattheceilingagain.“Well,thatnighthetoldme,andhe…kissedme.”
“Ohhh!”Danisitsupabruptly.“Ididn’texpectthat!Howwasit?Didyoulikeit?Didyoukisshimback?Didheusetongue?Whatdidyoufeel?Details,Raquel,details!”
Irollmyeyes,sittingupaswell.“Itwas…good.”
Daniraisesaneyebrow.
“Well?That’sit?”
“Whatdoyouwantmetotellyou?He…he’salwaysbeenthereandIhadcometofeelthingsforhiminaplatonicway.Ineverexpectedhimtolikeme.Kissinghimwasnice,butitwas…unreal.Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.”
“Youlikedit,butitwasn’tasmind-blowingaswhenyoukissAres.”
“Itwasdifferent.”
“You’relost,Raquel.YouaresoinlovewithAres.”
Ilowermyhead,unabletodenyit.Daniputsherarmaroundmyshoulderstogivemeasidehug.
“It’sokay.Iknowit’sscarytofeelsomuchforsomeone,butit’sgoingtobeokay.”
“Idon’tknowwhattosaytoYoshi.”
“Thetruth.Tellhimthatyou’renotreadytotryanythingwithanyonerightnow.Youhavefeelingsforsomeoneelse,andtheymaynotbereciprocated,butthatdoesn’tmeanyoucansuddenlystopfeeling.Tellhimyoudon’twanttousehim.”
“Ishouldn’thavekissedhimback.”
“AndIshouldn’thaveeatenthathamburgersolate,butweallmakemistakes.”
Iburstoutlaughing,pullingawayfromher.
“Didyoueatahamburgerwithoutme?”Iask.Herphoneringswithamessage.Sheexcitedlychecksit,andagoofysmilefillsherlips.“Okay,thatsmileissuspicious.”
Sheclearsherthroat.“Ofcoursenot.”
“Whoareyoutalkingto?”
Sheputsherphone,withthescreenfacingdown,inherlap.
“Justafriend.”
Iwrestlewithherandsnatchthecellphoneoutofherhands.Itrytoreadthemessages,butsheattacksme,soIrunoutoftheroom.Barefoot,IrundownthehallwayandalmostcrashintoDean.He’sstillinhisschooluniform.
“Raquel,what—”
“Dean!Stopher!”IhearDani’svoicefardownthehall.Irunevenfastertowardthestairs.AsIreachthetop,IstopsoabruptlythatIalmostfallforward.
Ares.
He’sjustassurprisedtoseeme.LikeDean,he’swearinghisblackschooluniform.
React,Raquel.
Iregainmycomposureandgivehimafriendlysmile.
“Hello.”
Hesmilesbackatme,butit’snotjustfriendly,it’sthatcharmingsmilehehas.“Hello,Witch.”
Andtheregoesmyheart,beatinglikecrazy.Hismerepresenceiswreakinghavoconme.
“Raquel!”Daniappearsbehindmeandfreezeswhensheseestheunexpectedvisitor.“Oh,hey,Ares.”
Aresjustsmilesather.Deanreturnsjustintimetosavetheawkwardsituation.
“Herearethenotes,”Deansays,handingAresanotebook.
“Thankyou,”Aressays,turninghisgazebacktome.“Areyouleaving,Raquel?”
“Me?”
“Icouldgiveyouarideifyouwant.”
Thosebeautifuleyes…
Thoselips…
Iwanttoshoutnoandrejecthim,butthewordsdon’tcomeout.Danistandsinfrontofme.“No,she’snotleavingyet.We’regoingtofinishsomethings.”Igiveheraconfusedlookandshewhispers,“Handbrake.”
Aresgivesmeonelastlookbeforedisappearingoutthefrontdoor.
“Wow,thatwasinteresting,”Deancomments,turningtous.
“Somuchtension,”Daniagrees.
“Strongsexualtension,man.Ithinkweallgotpregnant,”Deanlaughs,andIgivethembothamurderouslook.
Thecellphoneinmyhandringswithamessage,andIrememberwhatIwasdoingbeforetheGreekgodappeared.Irun,withDanichasingme,andlockmyselfinthebathroominherroom,whichmakesmefeelstupidbecauseIshouldhavedonethatinthefirstplace.Checkingthemessages,mymouthalmostdropstothefloor.They’reallfromApolo.Apparently,they’vebeentalkingforsometime;theysaygoodmorningandgoodnighttoeachother.IlaughoutloudasIexitthebathroom.
“Icanexplain.”
“Apolo?OhGod,Ireallylovekarma.”
Danicrossesherarmsoverherchest.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’rethinking,butyou’rewrong.”
“You’reflirtingwithhim!Youlikehim!”
“Ofcoursenot!See,that’swhyIdidn’twanttotellyou,becauseIknewyou’dgetthewrongidea.He’sasophomoreandwe’reseniors.”
“So?Oh,comeon,”Isay,grabbingherbytheshoulders.Sheavertshergaze.“You’recrazyabouthim!”
Sheslapsmyhands,removingthemfromhershoulders.“Stopmakingthingsup.Idon’tlikehim,endofstory.”
“Onemonth.”
“What?”
“I’llgiveyouamonthtocomebackwithyourheaddownandtellmeyoufellforhim.It’snoteasytosaynototheHidalgos,believeme.”
“Irefusetotalkaboutthisanymore.”
“Well,don’ttalk,justlisten,”Itellher,puttingmyhandsonherwaist.“You’reonlytwoyearsolderthanApolo.Andhe’sverymatureforhisage.Ifyoulikehim,whyworry?Haven’tyouheardthatthereisnoageinlove?”
“Yeah.YouknowwhoIheardsaythat?Thepedointhecorner.”
“Don’texaggerate.”
“Let’sjust…forgetaboutit.”
“Youdon’thavetolietome.Youknowthat,don’tyou?Icanseethroughyou.”
“Iknow,Ijustdon’twanttosayit.Idon’twanttomakeitreal.”
“Oh,mydearhandbrake,it’salreadyreal.”
Danithrowsapillowatmeandthenseemstoremembersomething.“Oh!Look,IfoundtheoldphoneItoldyouabout.”Shehandsmeasmallphone.Thescreenisgreen,andyoucanonlyseethetime.Danigivesanervoussmile.“It’sonlygoodforcallsandmessages,butit’ssomething.”
“It’sperfect!”
AtleastI’llbeabletocommunicate,althoughapartofmestillfeelssadaboutmyiPhone.Iworkedsohard,andsomanyextrahours,tosaveupandbuyit.IrememberAres’swordswhenIwenttoreturnthephonetohim:Iknowyouboughtityourself,withyourmoney,withyourhardwork.I’msorryIcouldn’tstopthemfromtakingitawayfromyou,butIcangiveyouanotherone.Letmegiveittoyou.Don’tbeproud.
Hisgesturewassonice.Andthenhewassuchanidiot.Ineverthoughttherecouldbesomeonewhocouldbebothatthesametime,butAresexceedsexpectations.
Isaygood-byetoDaniandwalktothephonestoretoputmyoldnumberonthisone.Itboresmetodoallthosetedioustasks,butIhavenochoice.Iwantmyoldnumberback.EveryoneIknowhasthatnumber.
Areshasthatnumber.
Butthatdoesn’tmattertome,doesit?
Afterwastingtwohoursofmylife,Ifinallygethome.It’salreadygettingdark,andmyphonehasn’tstoppedringingwithallthemessagesI’vereceived.IsmilewhenIseethemessagefromApoloinvitingmetothepartyathishousealmosttwoweeksago.HowIwishIcouldhavereadthemessagethatday.
ThereareseveraldramaticmessagesfromCarlos,asusual,andsomeoldmessagesfromDaniandYoshi,obviouslyfrombeforetheyknewIhadlostmycellphone.Therearen’tanyfromAres.
Andwhatdidyouexpect?Hewasthefirstpersonwhoknewthatyou’dbeenrobbed.
Iyawn,closingthefrontdoorbehindme.“I’mhome!”
Silence.
Istepintothelivingroom,andI’msurprisedtofindYoshiandmymomsittingonthecouch.Didhecomeherestraightfromschool?Why?
“Oh,hi,Ididn’texpecttoseeyouhere,”Itellhimhonestly.
Momlooksextremelyserious.“Wherewereyou?”
“AtDani’shouse,andthenIwenttothephonecompa—”Istoptalkingbecausetheexpressionsontheirfacesscareme.“Issomethingwrong?”
Yoshilowershishead.Momstandsup.“Joshua,youcango.Ihavetotalktomydaughter.”
Yoshilooksatmyworriedexpressionandmutterssomethingashepassesme.
“I’msorry.”
Ifollowhimwithmyeyesashedisappearsthroughthedoor.WhenIlookbackather,Momisstandinginfrontofme.
“Mom,whathapp—”
Theslaptakesmebysurprise,echoingthroughoutoursmallroom.Iholdmythrobbingcheek,completelystunned.Myeyesfloodwithtears.Mymotherhasneverhitme,ever.Hereyesarered,asifshe’sholdingbacktears.
“I’msodisappointed.Whatwereyouthinking?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?WhatdidYoshitellyou?”
“WhatIamtalkingaboutisthatmydaughterisouttherehavingsexirresponsibly!”
“Mom…”
Hereyesfillwithtears,anditbreaksmyheart.Seeingyourmomcryisdevastating.
“Igaveyousomuchtrust,somuchfreedom,andthisishowyoupaymeback?”
Idon’tknowwhattosay,Ijustlowermyheadinembarrassment.Ihearhertakeadeepbreath.
“YouknowbetterthananyonewhatIwentthroughwithyourfather.Youwentthroughitwithme!Ithoughttheonlygoodthingwegotoutofthatsituationwasthatyouwouldlearnfromme,thatyouwouldbeanintelligentyoungwomanwhowouldknowhowtovalueherself.”Hervoicecracks.“Thatyouwouldn’tbelikeme.”
Iknowwhatshemeans.IcanstillfeelhersadnesswhensheremembersDadandeverythingheputherthrough.Ireallyhavenowaytojustifymyself.Idideverythingbehindherbackwhenshetrustedme.
Ilookup,andIstarttosob.Mymomistouchingherchestasiftryingtoeasethepain.
“I’m…I’msosorry,Mom.”
Sheshakesherhead,wipingawayhertears.“Iamsodisappointed.”
Me,too,Mom,I’mdisappointedinmyselftoo.
Shesitsonthecouch.“Thishurtsmesomuch,IthoughtIraisedyoubetter,Ithoughtwewereateam.”
“Weareateam,Mommy.”
“WhatdidIdowrong?”sheasks.“WheredidIfailyou?”Ikneelinfrontofherandtakeherfaceinmyhands.
“Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong,nothingwrong,Mommy.It’smyfault.”Shepullsmetoherandhugsme.
“Oh,mychild.”Shekissesmyhairandkeepscrying,andmyheartissowrinkledandsorethatIcanonlycrywithher.THIRTY-ONEThePunishment
Gray.
ThisishowIwoulddescribethenexttwoweeksofmylife.Grounded,Icanonlyleavethehouseforschoolandforsomeshiftsatwork,andthenIhavetoreturnassoonasthedismissalbellringsorafterI’mdonewithmyjob.
EventhoughIpromisedmymomthatAreswasoutofmylife,shestillpunishedme.Iamdutifullyservingmysentencebecauseshe’sright.Ididn’tdothingstherightway.MaybeifAreswasmyofficialboyfriend,Icoulddefendmyself.ButIcan’texpecthertounderstandthatIagreedtobewithaguywhodoesn’twantastablerelationship.
Yes,thelasttimeIsawhimhewasnice,buthecouldn’teventellmethathelikesme.Idon’texpecthimtotellmethathelovesme;Ijustneedtohear…something…wordsthatprovethathedoeshavefeelingsforme,andit’snotjustsexualattraction.
Ihaven’theardanythingfromAresfortwoweeks,andIhaven’tevenlookedoutofthewindowtotrytoseehim.Whatfor?WhatwouldIgainbydoingthat?Totorturemyselfmore?Nothanks,I’vehadenough.
ApartofmefeelsthattheconversationwithmymomgavemebackmystrengthandeverythingIthrewasideforAres.Well,notforhim,becausehedidn’tmakeme—Idecidedtodoit.
Thesaddestpartofthissituation?Yoshi.
Surprisingly,it’snotmymom’sslapthatmakesmyhearthurt.It’sYoshi.
Ifeelbetrayedonsomanylevels.Yoshitoldmymomeverything,andithurtsmesomuch.He’sbeenmybestfriendsincewewerelittle.He’salwaysbeenthere,butthefactthathebetrayedme—andinsuchabigway—leavesmewithawoundinmyheart.Idon’tknowifhediditbecausehethoughtthatitwasthebestthingformeorifitwasoutofjealousy,buteitherwayitwaswrong.Youtellsomeonesecretsbecauseyoutrustthem.Itrustedhim,andhetookthattrustanddestroyedit.
DaniwasfuriouswhenItoldherwhathehaddone.Shethreatenedtohithimalongwithacoupleofotherviolentthingstoographictodescribe.Ihadtocalmherdownandforcehertopromisetoleavehimalone.Idon’twantanymoredrama.Ijustwanttimetokeeppassing,formywoundstostarthealing,andforthesefeelingstogoaway.
Yes,Iwantamiracle.
AnyonewouldthinkthatYoshiwouldtrytoapologize,buthehasn’t.HejustavoidsmeandduckshisheadeverytimeIrunintohimatschool.I’vewantedtoconfronthim,yellathim,slaphim,seewhatexcusesheuses,butIjustdon’thavetheenergyforit.
ApoloandIhavebecomealittlecloser,althougheverytimeIhangoutwithhim,Ican’thelpbutthinkabouthisbrother.ButIjustdealwithit.WhathappenedbetweenAresandmeisn’thisfault.
Iletoutalongsigh.It’sSaturday,andI’mcleaningthehouse.Ifeellikeazombie,movingautomatically.IcantellI’malittledepressed.Idon’tknowifit’sbecauseofAres,thesituationwithmymom,thesituationwithYoshi,ormaybeacombinationofallthree.
Rockyissittingwithhismuzzleonhisfrontpaws,lookingatmeasifheknowsI’mnotfeelingwell.MydogandIhaveaconnectionbeyondwords.Ikneelinfrontofhimandrubhishead.Rockylicksmyfingers.
“Youandmeagainsttheworld,Rocky.”
Momappearsinthedoorwayofmyroom,wearinghernurse’suniform.“I’mleaving.Ihaveanightshifttoday.”
“Okay.”
“Youknowtherules:don’tgooutandnovisitorsunlessit’sDaniorYoshi.”
“Yes,ma’am.”
Herhardexpressionsoftens.“I’llcallyoufromtimetotimeonthelandline.”
Thatpullsmeoutofmynumbstate.“Areyoukidding?”
“No,Itrustedyou,andyouusedthattopartyandbringboystothehouse.”
“Mom,Ididn’tcommitacrime,Ijust—”
“Quiet.I’mlate.Iexpectyoutobehave.”
AforcedsmileformsonmylipsasIclenchmyfistsatmysides.Ican’tbelievethisishappening.Myrelationshipwithmymotherhasfractured,andit’sallbecauseofYoshi.
Whatgavehimtherighttotellmysecretstomymother?
Nightfalls,envelopingmyroomindarkness.Idon’tevenwanttomovetoturnonthelights.I’msurprisedtohearthedoorbellring.Ilookthroughthelittlepeepholeinthedoorandseemyformerbestfriendwaitingimpatiently.He’swearinghisfavoritesweaterandawoolhat.Hisglassesareslightlyfoggedup.Itmustbeabitcoldoutside.Autumnhasalreadyarrived,leavingthehotsummerbehind.
Ithinkaboutnotopeningthedoor,butIcan’tleavehimoutinthecoldeither.
“Iknowyou’reinthere,Raquel.Openup.”
Reluctantly,Iopenthedoorandturnmybackonhimtoheadtothestairs.Ihearthedoorclosebehindme.
“Raquel,wait.”Iignorehimandkeepwalking.Iclimbthefirststepandhegrabsmyarm,turningmetowardhim.“Wait!”
Islaphishandaway.“Don’ttouchme!”
Heraiseshishands.“Okay,justlistentome.Givemeafewminutes.”
“Idon’twanttotalktoyou.”
“It’salifetimeoffriendship;Ideserveafewminutes.”Igavehimacoldlook.“Givemefiveminutes,andthenI’llleaveyoualone.”
Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“Talk.”
“Ihadtodoit,Raquel.Youweregawkingatthatguy.Doyouhaveanyideahowmuchithurtmetowatchhimuseyourepeatedlywhileyoulethim?Igrewupwithyou.Icareaboutyou.”Hetoucheshischest.“RegardlessofhowIfeelaboutyou,you’remybestfriend.Iwantthebestforyou.”
“Andtellingmymomwasthesolution?Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”
“ItwastheonlythingIcoulddo.IfIhadtriedtotalktoyou,youwouldn’thavelistenedtome.”
“Ofcourse,Iwouldhave.”
“Behonest,Raquel.Youwouldn’thave.YouwouldhavesaidIwasjealous,andyouwouldhaveignoredmebecauseyou’resofuckingblindwithlovethatyoucan’tseebeyondyournose.”
“Youhavetwominutesleft.”
“RememberwhatyousaidtomelastChristmas?Whenyoutoldmeitwastimetoforgivemyfather?”
ItightenmylipsbecauseIdoremember.Yoshi’sdadhadmessedupbigtimewiththem,andYoshiwasfurious.Iadvisedhimtoatleastlistentohisdad’ssideofthestory.
“No,Idon’tremember.”
Hisexpressionfalls.“Iwasfuriouswithyou,Ishoutedatyou:‘Howcanyoutakehisside?Whatkindofafriendareyou?’Andyoutoldme:‘Atruefriendisonewhotellsyouthetruthtoyourface,evenifithurts.’”
Idon’tlikeitwhensomeoneusesmyownwordsagainstme.“Thatwasdifferent.Italkedtoyou.Ididn’tgogossipingandmeddlingwithyourfather.”
“Yes,youtalkedtome,andIlistenedtoyou.Youwouldn’thavelistenedtome,Raquel.Iknowit,andyouknowittoo.”
Thereisamomentofsilence.“Yourtimeisup,”Itellhimandturnaway.
Ihearhimmutterdefeatedly.“Rochi…”
“MynameisRaquel.”MyvoicecomesoutcolderthanIexpected.“Thankyoufortheexplanation.Regardlessofyourreasons,youdestroyedyearsoftrustinaflash,andIdon’tknowifit’ssomethingthatcaneverberestored.Goodnight,Joshua.”
Ileavehimthereatthebottomofthesteps,andhelookslikeagentlemanwaitingforhisladytocomedownthestaircase.Exceptthathetookituponhimselftodestroyanychancewithsaidlady.WhenIgettomyroom,Ihearhimclosethefrontdoor.Iletoutabigsighandwalktomywindow.
Thewindowthatstarteditall.
“AreyouusingmyWi-Fi?”
“Yes.”
“Withoutmypermission?”
“Yes.”
Idiot.
Asadsmilecrossesmylips.Isitdowninfrontofmycomputer,andthememoryofAreskneelinginfrontofme,fixingtherouter,comestomind.Iglanceatthewindow,andIcanalmostseehim.Ishakemyhead.
What’swrongwithme?
Stopseeinghimeverywhere,it’snothealthy.
Withnothingtodo,IgoonFacebook.Well,notmypersonalFacebook.It’safakeonethatIcreatedtocheckonAres.Iknow,I’mahopelesscase.Inmydefense,Icreatedthataccountalongtimeagoandhaven’tuseditsince.ButnowthatI’veblockedAresfrommypersonalFacebook,Ihavetousethefakeoneagain.
Itwon’thurtmetocheckhispage,willit?There’snothingtolose.Hisprofilehasnonewposts,onlyphotoswhereotherpeoplehavetaggedhim.ThemostrecentoneisfromSamy’saccount,asyoumightexpect.Inthephotothey’reatthemovies,andshe’slaughingwithhermouthfullofpopcornwhilehishandisraisedasifhewasfeedingher.Inthepostshewrote:Movieswiththisguywhobrightensmydays.
Ouch
Myheartgivesapang,butIkeepscrollingdown.AllIseearepostsofpeopletagginghimwithpicturesofthesoccergametwoweeksagoandcongratulatinghim,tellinghimhowgreatheis.Irollmyeyes.Keepfeedinghisego,asifhe’snotarrogantenoughalready.
TakingonelastlookatthepicturewithSamy,becauseobviouslyI’mamasochist,IcloseFacebookandgotosleep.
Idon’twanttothinkanymore.
Mycellphonewakesmeup.Ihalfopenoneeyeandmyeyelidtrembleswiththeeffort.It’sstilldark,whattimeisit?ThephonekeepsringingandIstretchoutmyhandtowardmynightstand,knockingeverythingoverintheprocess.
Ianswerwithoutevenlookingatthescreen.
“Hello?”
“Goodmorning,”mymother’svoicereplies.“Getup.”
“Mom,it’sSunday.DidIalsolosetherighttosleepin?”
“I’mnotoffshifttodayuntilafternoon,pleasefinishcleaningthehouse,andgetthelaundrystarted.”
“Understood.”
Hangingup,Ibrushmyteethandgodownstairs.Thedoorbellrings,startlingme.IsJoshuaback?Ifhethinkscomingtoseemeeverydaywillgethimanywhere,he’swrong.
Thedoorbellringsagainand,growling,Ishout,“I’mcoming!”
Ireallydon’thavetheenergytodealwithYoshirightnow.Thedoorbellringsagain,andIrushtoopenthedoor.Whathitsmefirstisthechillyair,andthensurpriseatthepersoninfrontofme.It’sthelastpersonIexpectedtosee.
AresHidalgo.
Myheartskipsabeatandstartspoundinglikecrazy.Aresisstandinginfrontofme,lookingasifhedidn’tsleepasecondlastnight.Hishairismessy,andtherearebigdarkcirclesunderhisprettyeyes.He’swearingawhiteshirtthatlookswrinkledandthefirstfewbuttonsareundone.
Agoofysmileformsonhislips.
“Hello,Witch.”THIRTY-TWOTheUnstableBoy
Controllingyouremotionsissoeasywhenthepersonaffectingthemisn’trightinfrontofyou.Youfeelstrong,abletogoonwithyourlife.It’sasifyourself-controlandself-esteemarerecharged.Ittakesdays,weeks,togetthatfeelingofstrength.Butitonlytakesasecondtodestroyit.Themomentthatpersonappears,yourstomachchurns,yourhandssweat,yourbreathingquickens,yourstrengthfalters,andit’ssounfairafteryou’veworkedsohard.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”I’msurprisedbythecoldnessinmyvoice,andsoishe.
Heraiseshiseyebrows.“You’renotgoingtoletmein?”
“WhyshouldI?”
“I-Ijust….CanIcomein,please?”
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Ares?”Irepeatmyquestion,mymusclestensing.
“Ineededtoseeyou.”
Myheartisracing,butIignoreit.“Well,yousawme.”
Hesetsafootinthedoor.“Just…letmecomeinforasecond.”
“No,Ares.”Itrytoclosethedoor,butI’mnotfastenoughandheenters,forcingmetotaketwostepsback.Heclosesthedoor,andinapanic,IblurtoutsomethingthatIthinkwillscarehimaway.“Momisupstairs,Ijusthavetocallhertocomeandgetyouout.”
Helaughs,sitsdownonthecouch,andputshiscellphoneonthesmalltableinfrontofhimtoresthiselbowsonhisknees.
“Yourmotherisatwork.”
Ifrown.“Howdoyouknow?”
Helooksupatme,andamischievoussmileformsonhislips.“Doyouthinkyou’retheonlystalkerhere?”
What?
IdecidetoignorehisresponseandfocusontryingtogethimoutofherebeforeYoshidecidestovisitme,orMomcomesbackearlyandWorldWarIIIbreaksout.Maybeifhesayswhathecametosay,he’llgoaway.
“Okay,you’rein.Whatdoyouwant?”
Aresrunshishandoverhisface.“Iwanttotalktoyou.”
“Speakupthen.”
Heopenshismouth,butclosesitagain,asifunsureaboutwhathewantstosay.I’mabouttotellhimtogoawaywhenhesaysthreewordsthattakemybreathaway,threewordsIneverexpectedtohearfromhim,notnow,notever.
“Ihateyou.”
Histoneisserious,hisexpressioncold.
Thestatementtakesmebysurprise.Myheartandmyeyesburn,butIactasifIamunaffected.
“Okay,youhateme,gotit.Isthatall?”
Heshakeshishead,asadsmiledancesonhislips.“Mylifewassofuckingeasybeforeyou,somanageable,andnow,”hepointsatme,“you’vecomplicatedeverything,you…you’veruinedeverything.”
Mystomachtightens,andtearsblurmyvision.
“Youcameallthewaytomyhousetotellmethat?Ithinkyou’dbetterleave.”
Hewagshisfingeratme.“I’mnotfinished.”
“ButIthinkyouare,sogetout.”
“Don’tyouwanttoknowwhy?”
“Idestroyedyourlife.Ithinkyou’vemadethatclear,nowgetthehelloutofmyhouse.”
“No.”
“Ares…”
“I’mnotleaving!”Heraiseshisvoice,standingup,andthatignitesmyanger.“Ineedthis,Ineedtotellyou.IneedyoutoknowwhyIhateyou.”
“Whydoyouhateme,Ares?”
“Becauseyoumakemefeel.Youmakemefeel,andIdon’twantto.”Thatleavesmespeechless,butIdon’tshowit,andhegoeson.“Idon’twanttobeweak.IsworenottobelikemyfatherandhereIam,beingweakinfrontofawoman.Youmademelikehim.YoumakemeweakandIhateit.”
Myangerdominatesmywords.“Ifyouhatemesomuch,whatthehellareyoudoinghere?Whydon’tyouleavemealone?”
Heraiseshisvoiceagain.“DoyouthinkIhaven’ttried?”Heletsoutaharshlaugh.“I’vetried,Raquel,butIcan’t!”
“Whynot?”Ichallenge,approachinghim.
Heopenshismouthandclosesit,clenchinghisjaw.Hisbreathingiscomingfast,andsoismine.Ilosemyselfintheintensityofhiseyes,andheturnshisbacktome,runninghishandsthroughhishair.
“Ares,youhavetogo.”
Heturnsjustenoughtofacemeinprofile,withhiseyesfixedontheground
“Ithoughtthisshitwouldneverhappentome.Iavoidedit,butitstillhappenedtome…Idon’tknowifthisiswhatit’ssupposedtofeellike,butIcan’tdenyitanymore.”Heturnscompletelytowardme,lookingdefeated.“I’minlove,Raquel.”
Istopbreathingandmymouthdropsopen.
Hesmileslikeafool.“I’msofuckinginlovewithyou.”
DidIhearhimright?DidAresHidalgojustsayhewasinlovewithme?Hedidn’tsayhewantedmeorthathewantedmeinhisbed.Hesaidhewasinlovewithme.Ican’tsayanything.Ican’tmove.Icanonlylookathim.Icanonlyseethosecoldwallsfadeinfrontofme.
AndthenIrememberthestory…
Hisstory…
WhathesharedwithmethatnightIwasdrunk.
Thememoryisablur,buthiswordsareclear.Hehadfoundhismotherinbedwithamanwhowasnothisfather,andhisfatherhadforgiventheinfidelity.Areshadliveditall,seenitall.Hisfatherhadbeenhispillar,seeinghimweakandcryinghadbeenaheavyblowtohim.
Idon’twanttobeweak.Idon’twanttobelikehim….
Iunderstandhimnow.Iknowitdoesn’tjustifyhisactions,butatleastitexplainsthem.Mymotheralwaystoldmethatwhowearedependsalotonthewaywewereraisedandwhatweexperiencedinourchildhoodandearlyadolescence.Thosearetheyearswhenwe’relikesponges,absorbingeverything.
AndthenIseethattheguyinfrontofmeisn’tthecold,arrogantjerkIfirsttalkedtothroughmywindow;he’sjustaguywhohadaroughstart.Aboywhodoesn’twanttobelikethepersonheusedtoadmire,whodoesn’twanttobeweak.Avulnerableguy,angrybecausehedoesn’twanttobevulnerable.Andwhodoes?Tofallinlovewithsomeoneistogivethemthepowertodestroyyou.
Areslaughs,shakinghishead,butthemirthdoesn’treachhiseyes.“Nowyoudon’tsayanything.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’mtooshockedattheturnthisconversationhastaken.Myemotionsareamess,andmybreathingisnobetter.
“Shit,”Aresmutters,turninghisbacktome.Herestshisforeheadonthewall.
Alaughescapesmylips.Aresturnstomeagain,andtheconfusionisobviousonhisface.
“You.Are.Crazy,”Isaywithachuckle.Idon’tevenknowwhyI’mlaughing.“Evenyourconfessionhadtoberidiculous.”
“Stoplaughing,”heorders,approachingmewithaseriousexpression.
ButIcan’tstop.“Youhatemebecauseyouloveme?Areyoulisteningtoyourself?”
Hedoesn’tsayanythingandjustgrabsthebridgeofhisnose.“Idon’tunderstandyou.IfinallyhavethecouragetotellyouwhatIfeel.Andyoulaugh?”
Iclearmythroat.“I’msorry,really,I’mjust…”
Hisexpressionwavers,andacrookedsmileformsonhislips.
“Youdidit.”
Ifurrowmybrows.“What?”
“DoyourememberwhatyoutoldmeinthecemeterythattimeIaskedyouwhatyouwant?‘Somethingverysimple,’yousaid.‘Iwantyoutofallinlovewithme.’”
Igrin.“Yes,andyoulaughedatme.Who’slaughingnow,GreekGod?”Hetiltshisheadtotheside,watchingme.
“Youcaughtme,butyoualsofellinlovealongtheway.”
“WhosaidI’minlove?”
Hisapproachforcesmetostepbackuntilmybackmeetsthewall,and,topreventmyescape,heleansoverme,cagingmeinwithhishands.Hesmellsofthatdeliciousmixtureofexpensivecologneandhisownscent.Iswallow,staringatthatperfectfaceinfrontofme.
“Ifyou’renotinlove,thenwhydidyoustopbreathing?”
IletoutthebreathIhadn’trealizedIwasholding.Ihavenoanswertohisquestion,andheknowsit.
“AndwhyisyourheartbeatingsofastwhenIhaven’teventouchedyou?”
“Howdoyouknowmyheartisracing?”Iask.
Hetakesmyhandandputsitonhischest.“Becausemineis.”
Feelinghisracingheartbeatundermyhandmakesmyheartflutter.
“ThisiswhatIwastryingtoshowyouthelasttimeweweretogether:howIfeelaboutyou.”Herestshisforeheadonmine,andIclosemyeyes,feelinghisheartbeat,holdinghimsoclose.Whenhespeaksagain,hisvoiceissoft.“I’msorry.”
Iopenmyeyestomeetthatinfiniteseaofhiseyes.“Why?”
“FortakingsolongtotellyouhowIfeel.”HetakesthehandIhaveonhischestandkissesit.“I’mreallysorry.”
Hemovesevencloser,andourbreathsmingle.Iknowhe’swaitingformyapproval.WhenIdon’tprotest,hissweetlipsmeetmine.Thekississoft,delicate,butsofulloffeelingsandemotionsthatIfeelthefamousbutterfliesinmystomach.Hetakesmyfacewithbothhandsanddeepensthekiss,tiltinghisheadtooneside.Ourlipsmoveinperfectsync.God,Ilovethisboy.I’msofucked.
Hestopsbutkeepshisforeheadonmine.Itakeabreathandspeak.
“Firsttime.”
Heseparateshisfacealittlefrommetolookatme.
“What?”
“It’sthefirsttimeyou’vekissedme,andit’snotsexual.”
Heshowsmehisteethinthatridiculoussmileofhis.“Whosaidit’snotsexual?”
Igivehimamurderouslook,andhestopssmiling,asagrimexpressionappearsonhisface.
“IhavenoideawhatI’mdoing,butIjustknowIwanttobewithyou.Doyouwanttobewithme?”Hewatchesmyface,scaredofmyanswer.Andthatsomehowmakesmefeelpowerful.Hecamehereandexposedhimselftome.Icanmakehimhappyordestroyhim.Iopenmymouthtorespond,butthedoorbellinterruptsme.
Idon’tknowhowIknow,butIknowit’sYoshi.Shit!
“Areyouexpectingsomeone?”Aresasks.
“Shhh!”Icoverhismouthwithmyhandandforcehimtobackawayfromthedoor.
Thedoorbellringsagain,followedbyYoshi’svoice.“Raquel!”Iknewit.
Shit,shit,shit,shit!
“Youhavetohide,”Iwhisper,releasinghismouth,anddragginghimtowardthestairs.
“Why?Whoishe?”Hisaccusatorytonedoesnotgounnoticed.
“Thisisnotimeforjealousy.Comeon,walk.”
Haveyouevertriedtomovesomeonetallerandstrongerthanyou?It’slikepushingahugerock.
“Ares,please,”Ibeghim.HehastomovebeforeYoshicallsmymom,andshecallsme,andthemessstarts.“I’llexplainlater,pleasegoupstairs,anddon’tmakeanynoise.”
“Ifeellikealoverwhenthehusbandarrives,”hejokes,buthestartstomoveandit’sarelief.Oncehe’sdisappearedupthestairs,Idon’tknowwhy,butIfixmyhairandheadtoopenthedoor.Iprayeverythinggoeswell,butYoshiknowsmetoowell,andheknowswhenI’mlyingornervous.ToolateIrealizethatAres’scellphoneisonthesmalltableinfrontofthecouch.IcrossmyfingersthatYoshidoesn’tseeit.
VirginofAbdominals,pleasehelpme!THIRTY-THREETheTestosterone
Thingsdon’thavetobeperfect.
Perfectioncanbesosubjective.Ares’sconfessionmightseemunromantictoothers,buttome?Itwasperfect.Tome,he’samazing,moodinessandall.
MaybeI’mblindedbylove,maybeIcan’tseebeyondmyfeelings,butifthere’sevenaslimchanceofbeinghappywithhim,Iwanttotry.Iwanttobehappy.Ideservetobehappy.Whowouldn’tlikethatdecision?
Yoshi,that’swho.Mysweetbestfriendisshakingwithrage.He’sholdingAres’scellphone.
“He’shere,isn’the?”
Iopenmymouthtodenyit,butnosoundcomesout.Yoshipresseshislipsanddivertshisgaze,asiffacingmewasfuelinghisanger.
“Youjustdon’tlearn,Raquel.”
Iclenchmyfistsatmysides.“Andwhatareyougoingtodoaboutit?Tellmymother?You’vebeenverygoodatthatlately.”
Beforehecansayanything,Icontinue.“Tellme,Joshua.”Hewinceshearingmeusehisfullname.“WhatelsecanIexpectfromyou?WillyoutellheraboutthefirsttimeIgotdrunk?OrthetimeIskippedclasstosneakoutwithDanitogobowling?Tellme,soIcanbeprepared.”
“Raquel,don’tdothis,don’tpaintmeasthebadguy.EverythingI’vedonehasbeenbecause—”
“Becauseyou’reinlovewithher,andyou’reajealousjerk.”Ares’svoicestartlesme,andIturntoseehimwalkdownthestairs,hiscoldeyesfixedonYoshi.
Yoshiinstantlygetsdefensive.“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness.”
Aresstandsnexttomeand,withonearm,takesmebythewaistandpullsmeclose.“Yes,itis.Everythingthathastodowithher,hastodowithme.”
“Really?”Yoshiletsoutasarcasticlaugh.“Andwhendidyouearnthatright?You’veonlyhurther,andyou’llkeepondoingso.”
“AtleastIdidn’tscrewuptherelationshipshehadwithhermotherinafitofjealousy.”Aresshakeshishead.“Doyouhaveanyideahowselfishyouare?Youshouldlearntoplayfair.”
Waitasecond,howdidAresknowaboutYoshi?IhaveafeelingthatDanimusthavetoldApolo,andhemusthavetoldAres.DaniandIaregoingtohaveatalk.She’lllistentome.
Yoshimakesaface.“I’mnotinterestedintalkingtoyou.I’mhereforher,notyou.Youshouldn’tevenbehere.Youshouldleave.”
Aresgiveshimacoldsmile.“Makeme.”Aresreleasesmeandwalkstowardhim.Yoshisuddenlylooksverysmall.“Comeon,trytomakemeleave.Givemeanexcusetobeatyouupfordoingsomethingsoshittytomygirl.”
Mygirl…
Thatmakesmeholdmybreath.
Yoshistandsfirm.“Typical,youresorttoviolencewhenyoudon’tknowwhattosay.”
“No,Iresorttoviolencewhensomeonedeservesit.”
“Thenyoushouldbeatyourselfup,”Yoshireplieswithavenomoustone.“Noonedeservesabeatingmorethanyou.”
IcanseeAres’sshoulderstenseupasheclencheshisfists.Immediately,Istepbetweenthem.
“Ithinkthatwasenough.”IgiveYoshiapleadinglook.Iconsidertellinghimtoleave,butIknowthat’sonlygoingtomakethingsworse.Theonlywaytocontrolthisistomakethembothgo.“Ithinkyoushouldbothleave.”
IglanceovermyshoulderatAres,andhedoesn’tseemsurprised.Heraiseshishandsintheair.
“Asyouwish.”
Hewalkshalfwaytothedoorandstops,waitingforYoshi,whogivesmeonelastsadlookbeforeleaving.Partofmefearsthey’llfightoutthere,butthey’reoffmypropertynow,andthey’rebothmatureenoughtomaketheirowndecisions.
Iletoutalongsigh,walkintothelivingroom,andimmediatelyfallonthecouch.Whatamorning!NotonlydidIhaveAres’sconfession,butIalsohadtodealwithYoshi.Somehowit’sAres’swordsaboutYoshithatstickinmyhead:Becauseyou’reinlovewithherandyou’reajealousjerk.AtleastIdidn’tscrewuptherelationshipshehadwithhermotherinafitofjealousy.Doyouhaveanyideahowselfishyouwere?
IsAresright?I’vetriedtobelievethatYoshibetrayedmebecausehewantedwhatwasbestforme.Withthatlogic,maybeIcouldforgivehim.However,ifheonlydiditoutofjealousy,thatmakesforgivinghimalmostimpossible.
Ihopehedoesn’ttellmymomthatAreswashere.Idon’twantanymoredrama.
I’msofuckinginlovewithyou.
Myheartracesatthememoryofthosewords.Istillfindithardtobelieve.Aresisinlovewithme.Hehasfeelingsforme.I’mnotjustanothergirlheusesforfun.He’shurtmesomanytimes,butnow,forthefirsttime,he’sputintowordswhathefeelsforme.
Theidiothasaheart.Irememberhisconfession,andtheintensityinhiseyes,andIcan’thelpmyself:Iletoutachildishlittlesqueal.I’mnottheonlyoneinlove.
Withastupidsmileonmyface,Igouptomyroom.Despiteeverything,Imanagetofallasleepagain.Iknow,Ihaveasuperhumanabilitytosleepunderanycircumstance.THIRTY-FOURTheFirstDate
Areshasaskedmeonourfirstdate,andIhavenothingtowear.
Thisisnotoneofthosetypicalmomentswhenanindecisivepersonhasalotofclothestochoosefromanddoesn’tknowwhattopick.Iliterallyhavenothingtowear.Mymomwashedallmyclothes,andtheonlythingsleftarethestuffIdon’twear,andobviouslyIdon’twearthemforareason:theydon’tfitanymoreorthey’resimplytooragged.
WhydidAreshavetoaskmeouttoday?Istillrememberhissoftvoiceonthephonewhenheaskedmetopleasesneakout.HowcouldIsayno?Iobviouslyhadn’tthoughtitallthroughwhenIsaidyes.TheonlyonewhocansavemeisDani.
Icallher,andsheanswersonthethirdring.“FuneralHomeLasFlores,howmayIhelpyou?”
“Howlongareyougoingtodothat,Dani?Itoldyouit’snotfunny.”Sheletsoutaguiltychuckle.
“It’sfunnytome.What’sthematter,grumpy?”
“Ineedyoutopickmeup.”
“Aren’tyougrounded?”
“Yes.”Ilowermyvoiceevenmore.“ButI’mgoingtosneakout.”
“What,what,what,whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”Daniexaggerateshertone.“Welcometothedarkside,sister.”
Iletoutalongsigh.“Justcomeandgetme,butwaitformeatthecornerofmystreet.”
“Okay,butyou’releavingoutthereasonwhyyou’regoingtosneakout.Willyougooutpartyingwithmetoday?”
“No,Ihave…plans.”
“With?”
Ihangupthecallandtuckpillowsunderthesheetstomakeitlooklikesomeoneisinmybed,althoughIknowmymotherwon’tcheck.Shedoesn’tthinkI’mcapableofsneakingout,and,well,honestly,untilafewhoursagoIdidn’tthinkIwaseither.
Icarefullyleavetheroom.Thelightsinthehousearealreadyoff,soIpokemyheadintomymom’sroom.IneverthoughtI’dbesohappytohearhersnoring.She’ssleepingsoundly,probablybecauseshehadashiftlastnightandhasn’tsleptatalluntilnow.Apangofremorsestopsmeforasecond,butthenIthinkofacertainpairofdazzlingblueeyes,andthat’senoughtomotivatemetogetoutofthehouse.
ThecoldhitsmehardwhenIsteponthestreet.I’mnotwearingajacket,soIhugmyself,rubbingmyforearmsasIwalk.Thestreetiswelllit,andthereareafewpeopleoutsidechatting.Iwaveandcontinueonmyway.
Waitingonthecorner,shiveringfromthecold,IrealizethatmaybeIshouldhavewaitedinthewarmthofmyhousealittlelonger.It’sbarelysixminuteslater.Danidoesn’tlivefaraway,butthereareseveraltrafficlights,andIknowtrafficcangetheavyatthishour.
Iamfreezingtodeath.DoyouseeeverythingIdoforyou,GreekGod?
WhenIseeDani’scar,I’msorelievedthatIsmilelikeanidiot.Ijumpin,andshedriveslikecrazyallthewaytoherhouse.
Eighteenoutfitattemptslater,tosayI’mbeingindecisiveisputtingitmildly.Danihasgivenmemultipleoptionsandthey’reallcute,butIwanttolookperfectforhimandnothingseemsperfecttome.Iknowhe’lllookbeautifulinwhateverhewears.Ifeeltheneedtolookmybest.ThisisthefirsttimethatI’vedressedupinaspecialwaytoseesomeone.
Aresstillgetsallmyfirsttimes.HowamIgoingtogetoverthatmanifhekeepsdoingthat?
“Ivotefortheskirt,blouse,andboots,”Danisays,chewingDoritoswithhermouthopen.
“Soclassy,”Isaysarcastically.
“Theylookgreatonyouandadapttoanyoccasion;wedon’tknowwhereyou’regoing.”She’sright,Iwonderifwe’regoingtoArtemis’sbarorsomeothernightspot.Aftergettingdressed,IstartcombingmyhairwhenIseeDanistandupandcometowardme,pointingherorangeDoritos-stainedfingeratme.“There’ssomethingIwanttotellyou.”
Iturnaroundnervouslyatherserioustone.“Yes?”
“I’mreallygladthatidiotfinallyconfessedhisfeelingstoyou,but…”Shebitesherlowerlip.“Rememberthathehurtyoualot,andI’mnotsayingtoholdagrudgeoranything,Ijustwantyoutomakehimearnyourlove.You’vealwaysservedittohimonasilverplatter,andhehasn’tappreciatedit.Afewnicewordsaren’tenough,baby.You’reworthalot.Lethimrealizethat,too,andlethimfightandearnyouraffection.”
Ifeelasmallpanginmychestatherwords,andshemustnoticethechangeinmyexpressionbecauseshesmiles.
“No,I’mnottryingtoruinyourfirstdate,it’sjustmydutyasyourbestfriendtotellyouthetruth,evenifit’snotpretty.Youdeservetheworld,Raquel.Iknowit,andthatidiotneedstoknowittoo.”
Ismileback.“Thankyou.SometimesIgetcarriedawaybymyfeelingsandlosetrackofeverythingI’vebeenthroughwithhim.”
Shesqueezesmyhand.“Iloveyou,silly.”
Mysmilewidens.“Iloveyou,too,silly.”
Myphonerings.DaniandIshareaquickglance.
Incomingcall:Ares<3
Iclearmythroatnervously.“Hello?”
“I’moutside.”
Thosewordsareenoughtomakemyheartrace.
“I’llberightout.”
Ihangupandletoutasqueal.Danigrabsmebytheshoulders.“Calmdown!”
Isaygood-byeandheadtothedoorwithmyheartinmythroat.WhyamIsonervous?
Okay,calmdown,Raquel,youhavenoreasontobenervous.It’sjustAres.You’vealreadyseenhimnaked.
Great,nowI’mthinkingaboutAresnaked.
VirginofAbdominals,whydidyouendowhimsowell?
Onthestreet,Iseehisblackcarparkedinfrontofthehouse.Itsdarkwindowsdon’tallowmetoseeanythinginside.Ifocusonwalking.Idon’tknowwhyit’ssohardforme.
Stupidnerves.
AsIapproachthecar,Idotheawkwardlittledoordance.Idon’tknowwhethertoopenthepassengerdoororthebackdoor.HetoldmehewascomingwithMarco.WillMarcobeinthepassengerseatornot?
Ah,howuncomfortable!
Istandtherelikeanidiot,notknowingwhattodo.Aresnoticesmyindecisionandrollsdownthewindow.
“Whatareyoudoing?”There’snooneinthecopilot’sseat.Iopenthedoorandgetin.
“Iwasjust…”IglancebackandseeMarcousinghisphone.“Hi,Marco.”
Helooksupandsmilesatme.AsIstraighteninmyseat,IlookoveratAres,andIrealizeheislookingatmefromheadtotoe.Whatheseesbringsacrookedsmiletothosefulllipsofhis.
“Andyou’renotgoingtosayhellotome?”heasks.
Ilickmybottomlip.Helookssocuteinthatwhiteshirt.“Hello.”
Heraisesaneyebrow.“Justthat?”
Howelse?Inoneswiftmovement,Aresunbuckleshisseatbelt,grabsmyneck,andstampshislipsagainstmine.Hismouthmovessoftly,andhislipsfeelsofuckinggoodonmine.Iholdbackamoanashesucksonmybottomlipandbitesitlightly.
Marcoclearshisthroat.“I’mstillhere!”
Arespullsawayandgivesmeonelastshortkiss,smilingagainstmylips.“Hello,Witch.”
Hegoesbacktohisplace,putsonhisseatbelt,anddrivesoff.WhileIsitthereparalyzedwithmylegslikejelly.OhmyGod,whatthisguydoestomewithjustonekiss.Aresputsonsomemusic,andMarcoleansovertogetinthemiddleofourseats.“Samysaysshe’sready.”
Whenhementionsthatname,acoldfeelingappearsinmystomach.Aresturnsthewheel,crossingastreet.“We’llpickherup.WhataboutGregory?”
Marco’sonhisphone.“He’salreadyleftwithLuis.”
“Whataboutthegirls?”
“Theywentwiththem.”MyeyesfallonAres.Whichgirls?BesidesSamy,aretheremore?
“We’rejustpickingSamyupthen.”
Aresstopsinfrontofabeautifultwo-storyhousewithalovelygarden.Samyisstandingnexttothemailbox,lookingstunninginashort,figure-huggingdressthatshowsoffherlonglegs,andanicejacket.Shelooksincrediblybeautiful.
Isn’tshecold?
ShesmilesatAres,andheradorationissoclear.It’ssoobviousthatshelikeshim,IwonderifIlooklikethatwhenIlookatAres.Shegetsinthebackseat,andhersmilefalterswhensheseesme.
“Oh,hello,Raquel.”
Ismileather.“Hello.”
“Aren’tyoucold?”Marcoasksherwithaworriedexpression,andIfinditsopeculiarhowhisgrimcountenancecrackseverytimeSamyappears.
“I’mgood,”shesays.
Areslooksatherintherearviewmirrorandsmiles.Apanghitsmystomach,forcingmetoshiftalittleinmyseat.It’ssounpleasanttofeeljealous.IneverfeltitinmylifeuntilImetAres.Anditdoesn’thelpthatthey’vehadsex.They’veseeneachothernaked,forGod’ssake,that’stoomuchintimacyforafriendship.Italsodoesn’thelpthatSamyiscrazyabouthim.Idon’tknowifI’moverreacting,butIstruggletostaycalmandnotshowwhatI’mfeeling.
Marco’svoiceinterruptsmythoughts.“Everyoneisalreadythereandthey’regoingtoorderdrinks.Whatdoyouwant?”
Aresshakeshishead.“I’mdriving,soI’mnotdrinking.”
I’msurprisedbytheseriousnessandmaturityofhistone,butI’mpleasedtoo.
Marcosnorts.“Whatakilljoy.Wewouldhavecomebytaxiifdrivingmeantyouweren’tgoingtodrink.”
Aresslowsdownonacrowdedstreet.Itseemstobebusytonight.
“Idon’tliketaxis.”
Iraiseaneyebrow.Oh,therichguydoesn’tlikecabs.Ican’tevenaffordtotakeataxi!Thebusismyonlysolution.Idon’tevenwanttoimaginewhatAresthinksofbuses.I’mremindedofthedifferencebetweenthewaywewereraised,andhowoppositeourdailylivesare.Ourhouseisoneofthelastoldconstructionsfromtheeightiesintheneighborhood.Therestofthehousesarenewcustomizedconstructions,Ares’splaceincluded.Momsaidthatwhenshemovedherealmosttwodecadesago,theHidalgos’housewasstillbeingbuilt.Shewasluckytogetaplacebeforethepricesskyrocketed.
Marcointerruptsmythoughtsagain.“Whataboutyou,Raquel?Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”
MyeyesgotoAres,whoisstillfocusedontheroadinfrontofus.IcanfeelSamy’seyesonme.“Hey,well,I…vodka?”
“Youdon’tsoundveryconfident.”Marconotices.“Well,vodka,then.Ithinktheyorderedabottleofwhiskeyandabottleofwine.I’lltellthemtoorderabottleofvodka.”
Awholebottle?Ihopeit’sforseveralpeople,notjustme,ortonightcouldendbadly.No,Ican’taffordtodosomethingstupidtoday.Ihavetobehave.
Whenwearrive,Irecognizetheplace.It’sanelegantbarthatopenedrecently.Idon’tthinkitcompeteswithArtemis’sbecauseitisquitefarfromdowntown,whilehisclubisinaparticularlystrategiclocation.Wepasstheentrance,andI’msurprisedthattheguarddoesn’taskforidentification.
Thefirstthingthathitsmeisthehigh-techswivellightingmakingcolorfuleffectsallovertheplace.Wewalkpastthebarwherebartendersaredoingtrickswithbottlesandglasses.Everyoneseemstobehavingagoodtime.WewalkupsomestairsdecoratedwithlittlecoloredlightsuntilwereachAres’sgroupoffriends.
Thisisgoingtobeinteresting.
TheawkwardnessIfeltatbreakfasttheotherdaywithAres’sfriends?Well,I’mfeelingsomethinglikethatnow,butmuchworse.Samywalkspastmeandheadsovertothegrouptosayhi.Withmyhandsinfrontofme,IinterlacemyfingersandglanceatAres,whoisalsogreetingeveryone.
IhatefeelinginvisiblewhenpeopleactlikeIdon’texistorpretendI’mnotstandinginfrontofthem.Especiallywhenit’sagroupofrichkidswhoareusedtojudgingyoubytheclothesyou’rewearing:Aretheybrandedornot?Aretheyfromthisseasonornot?Andno,I’mnotgeneralizing.TherearepeoplelikeDaniorApolowhohavemoneybutdon’tmakeabigdealofit,butrightnow,Icanseethewaythegirlsinthisgroupstareatmyclothesandmakefaces.Andtheguys?TheyjustwatchmeasifdecidingwhetherI’mprettyenoughtobothertalkingto.BeingtheonlyLatinagirlamongthemallmakesitevenmoreawkward.
Ifeellikeyearspass,whenit’sonlybeenseconds.Idropmyhandstomysidesandstrugglenottorunaway.I’dliketosaythatit’sAreswhoturnsanddrawsmein,butit’sSamywhotakespityonmymiserablestateandcomesbackforme.
“Comeon,Raquel.Letmeintroduceyou.”
Ifakeafriendlysmilewhilesheintroducesmetoeveryone.Therearethreegirls.Onewithblackhairwho’scalledNatalie,ablondnexttohercalledDarla,andthethirdisthebrunetteIsawatAres’steampartywhohadbreakfastwithusafewweeksago.HernameisAndrea.TherearetwomoreguyssittingbesideGregory,Luis,andMarco.AblondguywhointroduceshimselfasZahid,andaguywithglassesnamedOscar.IknowIwon’trememberallthosenames,butIdon’tcare.
IglanceatAres.He’ssittingnexttoNatalieontheothersideofthetable.It’smyturntositnexttoSamy,whowasthelastonetositdown;nexttoherisOscar,andtheyseemtobetalkingaboutamusicconcert.Likeafool,IstareatAres,who’sstilltalkingtoNatalieintently.
Isthatwhyyoubroughtmehere,GreekGod?Topushmeasideandamuseyourselfwithpastconquests?
Loweringmygaze,Istrugglewiththebitternessinmychestandthetightnessinmystomach.Ihadsomanyexpectationsformyfirstdatewithhim.Ipaintedsomanydifferentscenariosinmyhead,fromromanticdinnerstoasimplemovieouting,ormaybejustsittingandtalkinginhiscarashedrovearoundtown.ButhereIam,sittingacrossthetablefromhim,feelingthesamedistancebetweenusthatwasthereatthebeginning.It’slikegettingclosertohimmakesthedistancegrow.
Everyonearoundmeistalking,laughing,sharingstories,andI’malone.It’slikeI’mwatchingthescene,butI’mnotpartofit.Thisishisworld,hiscomfortzone,notmine.Andheleftmealoneinit,withoutacareintheworld.Aresdoesn’tlookatme,notevenonce.Andthat’senoughfortearstoforminmyeyes.Istandupquickly,andSamyturnstome.IwhispertoherthatI’mgoingtothebathroom.
Passingthroughamassofdancingbodies,Iletthetearsfalldownmycheeks.Everyoneistoobusyhavingagoodtimetonoticeme.Themusicvibratesthroughouttheplace,butit’squieterinthebathroom.Iallowmyselftocryquietlyinthecubicle.Ineedtocalmdown,Idon’twanttobethedramaticoneputtingonashow,butthisdatemeantalottome,andit’sturnedouttobeadisappointment.
Ishouldgo,butthisplaceiswayoutoftown.Ataxiwouldcostalot,andIdon’twanttobotherDaniagain.Iknowshewouldcome,butIdon’twanttointerrupthernight,andI’vealreadybotheredherenough.MaybeIshouldjustholdoffuntileveryonegetstired,andweleave.
Takingadeepbreath,Ileavethecubicle.Tomysurprise,Natalieisstandinginfrontofthemirror,armscrossedoverherchest,asifwaitingforme.
“Areyouallright?”
“Yeah.”
“I’dliketosaythatyou’rethefirstgirlI’veeverseencrybecauseofAres,”shesighssadly,“butthatwouldn’tbetrue.”
“I’mfine,”Isay,washingmyfaceinthesink.
“Whateveryousay,littlestalker.”
Mychesttightens.“Whatdidyoujustcallme?”
“Littlestalker,”sherepeats.Ifreeze.“Ohyes,weallknowaboutyourstalkerpast.Aresusedtotellushowhispoorneighborhadanimpossibleobsessionwithhim.”
Iturnandrunawayfromthebathroom,strugglingtocontrolmytears.Iwanttogetoutofhere.Ineedfresh,cleanair,andsomethingtocalmmedown.IknowNataliewasjustlookingforawaytogetmeoutofherway,butthatdoesn’tmeanherwordsdidn’thurtme.Areshasn’tacknowledgedmetonight,andthefactthathetoldhisfriendsaboutmycrushonhimiscruel.
Iexitthebar,andtheautumnchillhitsme.Therearesomepeopleoutsidesmokingandchatting.Withshakinghands,ItakeoutmyphoneanddialDani’snumber.MyheartdropstothefloorwhenIrealizeherphoneisoff.Huggingmyself,Imovedownthestreet,stilltryingtocallDaniandhopingshe’llanswersoon.
–Ares–
Nataliekeepstellingmeaboutoneofhertrips,butmymindisdistracted.Raquelhastakenalongtimeinthebathroom,andIwonderifshe’sokay.Maybethere’salinetogetinorsomething.AlthoughNataliewentalittlewhileago,andshe’sback.
Iinterruptherstory.“Didn’tyouseeRaquelinthebathroom?”
Natalienods.“Shewaswashingherface,butthenIlostsightofher.”
Ismileather,lookingattheseatwhereRaquelshouldbe.Something’snotright.MaybeI’mparanoid,butIhaveastrangefeelinginmychest.IstandupandwalkovertoSamy.
“CanyoucomewithmeandcheckonRaquel?She’sbeeninthebathroomforawhilenow.”
“Yeah,let’sgo.Iwasthinkingthesamething.”Wegotogether,andshegoesinwhileIwaitoutside.Samyemergeswithaconfusedexpressiononherface.“It’sempty.”
Somethingtightensinmychest,andIrecognizeitasworry.Whereisshe?
She’sgone…
Thethoughtcrossesmymind,butIrejectit.Shehasnoreasontoleave.Plus,shehadnoonetoleavewith.Samyseemstonoticetheconfusiononmyface.
“Maybeshe’soutsideoronthebalconygettingsomefreshair,”shesuggests.
Withoutthinkingtwice,IleaveSamybehindandlookforRaquelallovertheplace.
She’snothere.
Despaircomesovermeasmymindbeginstoanalyzeeverydetailofthenight,especiallyhernervouslook,andhowshelookedformewithhereyes.NowIrealizethatherdisappointmentandsadnessweresoobviousonherface.Well,fuck,talkaboutrealizingthingsalittletoolate.Outofbreath,Iwalkoutofthebar,myeyesdesperatelysearchingforher.Iprayshehasn’tleft,thoughIwouldn’tblameher.I’veruinedeverything…again.
Outside,therearetwoorthreepeoplesmoking.Ilookatbothsidesofthestreet,it’sempty.
No…
Shecouldn’thaveleft.
IknowthatifIdon’ttalktohernow,I’llloseher.She’salreadyforgivenmesomanytimes.Iknowthatnomatterhowbigherheartis,itwon’tbeabletoforgivemeonemoretime.Runningmyhandthroughmyhair,Itakeonelastlookatmysurroundings,searchingforher.
Raquel,whereareyou?THIRTY-FIVETheFriend-RAQUEL–
Whatanight!
EverythinghasbecomesocomplicatedsinceArescameintomylife.He’sbeenlikealittlehurricane,destroyingeverythinginhispath.He’shadhissweetmoments,butthoseareovershadowedbyallthetimeshe’sscrewedup.Howcanhebesweetonesecondandthensocold?
Isigh,andmybreathisvisiblecomingoutofmymouth.It’sgettingreallychilly.Maybeleavingthebarwasn’tmybrightestidea,butanythingwasbetterthanstandingthereholdingitallin.ItrytocallDaniagain,butthere’snoanswer.Thetreebehindmefeelshardagainstmyback,soImoveawayfromit.AndthenIhearhim.
“Raquel!”
Startled,IglanceupthestreetandseeAreswalkingquicklytowardme.Hisconcernisevidentonhisface,butatthispointIdon’twanttocare.I’dliketosayIfeelnothingwhenIseehim,butIdo.
Whenhereachesme,hewrapsmeinatighthug.“IthoughtIwouldn’tfindyou.”
Istandstillwithoutraisingmyarmstoreturnhisembrace.Hepullsawayfrommeandtakesmyfaceinbothhands.
“Areyouallright?”
Idon’tsayanything,andIjusttakehishandsoffmyface.Helookshurt,butheletsme.“You’rereallyupset,aren’tyou?”
“No.I’mdisappointed.”Thecoldnessinmyownvoicesurprisesusboth.
“I…”Hescratchesthebackofhishead,messinguphisblackhair.“I’msorry.”
“Okay.”
Hefrowns.“Okay?Raquel,talktome,Iknowyouhaveamillionthingstosay.”
Ishrugmyshoulders.“Notreally.”
“You’relying,comeon,insultme,shoutatme,butdon’tbesilent.Yoursilenceis…agonizing.”
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”
Heturnshisbacktome,holdinghisheadasifhedoesn’tknowwhattosay.Whenheturnstomeagain,hisvoiceissoft.“I’mreallysorry.”
Asadsmileformsonmymouth.“That’snotenough.”
“Iknow.Iknowitisn’t.Just…givemeanotherchance.”
Mysadnessgrows.“That’swhatthishasbecome,anendlesscycleofopportunities.Youhurtme,youapologize,andIcomebacktoyoulikeit’snothing.”
“Raquel…”
“Maybeit’smyfaultforhavinghighexpectationswhenitcomestoyou.”
Agrimaceofpaincrosseshisface.Iturnaroundandstarttowalkaway.Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoingorwhereI’mgoing,butIneedtogetawayfromhim.
“Raquel,”hecallsmeback.“Wait.”Hegrabsmyarm,turningmetowardhimoncemore.“Thisisallnewtome,andthat’snotanexcuse.I’venever…triedanythingseriouswithanyonebefore.Idon’tknowwhattodo.Iknowitseemsobvioustoalotofpeople,butit’snottome.”
Iwiggleoutofhisgrip.“It’scommonsense,Ares.YouhavethehighestIQinthecounty,butyoucan’tfigureoutthatitwouldbeabadideatotakemetoaplacewheretherearetwogirlsyou’vefucked?”
“TwogirlsI’vefucked?”Helooksconfused.“Oh,Natalie…”
Hereallydidn’tremember?
“Howdoyouknow…?Ah,shit,Iforgotaboutthat.Itwasaone-nightthing,nothingimportant.”
“Ofcourse.”
“Whatelsedidshetellyou?”
Iliftmychin.“Shealsotoldmethatyouusedtomakefunofmewithyourfriends…aboutmycrushonyou.”
Hedoesn’tseemsurprised.
“ThatwaslongbeforeItalkedtoyou.Wehadn’tevenmet.”
“AndI’msupposedtobelieveyou?”
“Whywouldn’tyoubelieveme?I’veneverliedtoyou.”
“Ofcourse,Iforgotthathonestyisoneofyourqualities.”
Hisblueeyesarefullofsincerity.“Iknowthatwassarcasm,butI’mreallynotlyingtoyou.Natalienevermeantanythingtome.”
Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“AndwhatamItoyou?”
Helooksdown.“Youknowwhatyouaretome.”
“AftertonightIhavenoidea.”
Helooksup,hiseyesareshiningwithafeelingthatmakesmyheartrace.“You’re…mywitch.Thegirlwhocastaspellonme.Whomakesmewanttobedifferent,totrynewthingsthatarescarybutworthit,becauseofyou.”
Theticklinginmystomachisunbearable.“Nicewords,butthey’renotenough.Ineedfacts.Ineedyoutoshowmethatyoureallywanttobewithme.”
“I’mlearning.Whatelsedoyouwantmetodo?”Helookssovulnerablerightnow.
“That’sonyou.You’reusedtogettingeverythingtheeasyway,butnotthistime.Ifyouwanttobewithme,you’llhavetofightforitandearnit.We’llstartasfriends.”
“Asfriends?Friendsdon’tfeelthewayyouandIfeel.Theydon’tdesireeachotherthewaywedo.”
“Iknow,butyouneedtoearnthingsafterallthetimesyou’veruinedeverything.”
Herunshishandoverhisface.“AreyoutellingmeIwon’tbeabletokissyouortouchyou?”Ijustnod.“Areyouleavingmeinthefriendzone?”
“No,notreally.Well,yes,butwiththepossibilityofgettingoutifyoulearn.”
Anironicsmilefillshislips.“Noonehaseverleftmeinthefriendzone.”
“There’salwaysafirsttime.”
Hegetsclosertome.“WhatifIdon’tagreetobeyourfriend?”
“Well,”ittakesallmystrengthtocontinue,“then,unfortunately,youareoutofmylife.”
“Wow,Ireallyhurtyouthistime.”
Acarpassesbyonthestreetnexttous,thestreetlightscastshadowsonthesideofhisface.It’sgettingcolder.“Yes,orno?”Ipress.
“YouknowverywellthatI’lltakeanythingyouoffer.”Herunshishandthroughhishair.“Allright,we’lldoityourway,butononecondition.”
“Whatcondition?”
“Duringthisperiodof‘friendship,’”hemakesquotationmarkswithhisfingers,“youcan’tdateotherguys;you’restillmygirl.”
Acouplewalkspastus,laughing,andcontinuedownthestreet.Iwaitandthenwhisper:“Whyareyoualwayssopossessive?”
“Ijustwanttomakeitclearthat,althoughwe’restartingoverasfriends,thatdoesn’tmeanyou’regoingtobeabletodateotherguys.Gotit?”
“Friendsdon’thavethoserights.”
“Raquel…”
“Allright,Mr.Jealous,nodatingotherpeople,butthatappliestoyoutoo.”
“Andit’sokaytoplaydirty.”
Myeyebrowsalmostcometogether.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“JustbecauseI’myour‘friend,’”hemakesquotationmarkswithhisfingersagain,“doesn’tmeanIcan’ttrytoseduceyou.”
Heextendshishand.“Dowehaveadeal?”
Inodandsqueezehishand.“Yes.”Heliftsmyhandandbringsittohislips,givingitawetkisswithouttakinghiseyesoffmine.Iswallowandfreemyhand.Hegivesmeacrookedsmile.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo?Doyouwantmetotakeyouhomeordoyouwanttogobackinthere?”
Idebatetheoptionsinmyhead.IdecidetogobackinjusttotestAres,toseehowhe’sgoingtodealwiththissituationnowthathe’srealizedhedidn’thandleittherightway.Withalotmoreconfidence,Igobackinsidetheclubwithhim.
Thetableisalmostempty,withtheexceptionofNatalieandSamy,whoaretalking.Iguesstheothershavegonedancing.IsitnexttoNatalieandAressitsonmyotherside.Shegivesmeanannoyedlook,butIjustsmileather.
Volví,perra.
I’mback,bitch,asDaniwouldsay.
“Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”Aresasksinmyear.
“Amargarita,”Ireply.Ashortwhilelater,amargaritaglassappearsinfrontofme,andAressitsbackdownnexttome.Electronicmusicbeginstoplay,andNataliegetsup,movingtothebeat.ShewalkspastmeandstopsinfrontofAres.
“Doyouwanttodance?”Sheholdsoutherhand.
Itakeasipofmydrink,fakingasmile.
“No.”Hedoesn’tevengiveheranexplanation.
“Oh,don’tbeboring.Whynot?”
Aresshrugsandtakesmyhand.“BecausetheonlyoneIwanttodancewithisRaquel.”
Ididn’texpectthat.Nataliegoesbacktoherplace.Aressqueezesmyhandandforcesmetostandupsowecandance.Thisisgoingtogetinteresting.
Wepushthroughthecrowduntilwe’reinthemiddleofthemassofbodiesmovingtotherhythm.I’mnervous;Ican’tdenyit.It’sthefirsttimewe’vedancedtogether.Aresstandsinfrontofme,waiting.Helookssoperfectlybeautifulunderthedifferentcoloredlights.Ibitemylowerlipandstarttomove,andhefollowsmylead,pressingagainstme.
Iputmyhandsaroundhisneck,movingmyhipsgentlyagainsthim.Icanfeelhisbreathonmyface,hisbodyagainstmine.Beingsoclosetohimisintoxicating,andIrealizethatImaybeunderestimatingtheeffecthehasonmewithusstartingoutasfriends.
Aresrestshishandsonmywaist,movingwithme.Thesexualtensionbetweenusispalpable,likeanelectriccurrentcoursingthroughourbodies.Heturnsmearoundandhugsmefrombehind,wrappinghisarmsaroundmywaist.
Herestshischinonmyshoulderandplacesasoftkissonmyneck.Hislipsfeelwetandwarmagainstmyskin.Idon’tknowhowmuchtimepasses,butIdon’twantthismomenttoend.Iwanttostaylikethiswithhimsothatnothingchanges,andnothinggetsruinedagainbecauseIcan’tbearit.
Themusicchangesandgnash’s“ihateu,iloveu”plays,andIturntofacehimandsingitwithhim.Helookssocute,singing,lookingintomyeyes.
Arestakesmyhandandmakesmedoadramaticmove.Iburstoutlaughing,andhekeepssinging.Theworldaroundusdisappears;it’sjusthimandme,singinganddancinglikeidiotsinthemiddleofthecrowd.Asenseofpeaceandjoypervadesmyheart.
Iwanttobelieveinhim.I’llgivehimonelastshottowinmylove.I’llbecheeringfortheidiotGreekgodwhostolemyheart.THIRTY-SIXTheDrunkenGirl
Sweat…
Margaritas…
Laughter…
Music…
IneverthoughtIcouldsweatlikethis,butapparentlydancinginacrowdofpeoplehasthateffect.Everyoneischeerfulrightnow.I’malittledizzy,soIdecidetostopdrinking.Marcoappearsonthedancefloorandhiseyesmeetmine.“Whydon’tyoudancewithme,Raquel?”
MyeyestraveltoAres,who’stalkingtohisfriendsbutglancingatmefrequently.AresandIareinaveryfragilesituationrightnow.AlthoughI’mmakinghimwinmyheart,Idon’twanttodoanythingthatcouldleadtomisunderstandingsoruncomfortablesituations.Marcoiswaitingformyanswer,andIwrinklemynose.
“Thanks,butmaybeanotherday.”
Marcosaysnothing,justgrabshisglassand,withouttakinghiseyesoffme,takesalongdrink.
Gregoryappearsoutofnowhereandgivesmefive.“WhatareyoudoingforHalloween?Doyouhaveplans?”
Icanbarelyhearhimthroughtheloud,poundingmusic.
“Notreally,it’sstilltwoweeksaway.”
“Wethinkwe’regoingtoapartyintown,Iimagineyou’recoming.”
Areshasn’tmentionedit.
“Maybe.”
Gregorysighs.“DoyouthinkIshouldbeavampireorasexycop?”
Ilaugh.Whydoeshehavetwosuchoppositeoptions?
Hetapsmyshouldergently.“Seriously,Ineedagirl’sopinion.”
“Hmmm,”Ilookathimandimaginehiminbothcostumes.“Ithinkyou’dmakeaverysexyvampire.”
“Iknewit!”Helooksproud,andIjustsmile.
Ifeelsomeonelookingatme,andIglancearound.Andreaismurderingmewithhereyes.
“Yourgirlfrienddoesn’tlookveryhappy,”Itellhim,takingasipofmymargarita.Gregorygivesheraquickglance.
“She’snotmygirlfriend.”Idon’tsayanything,notwantingtoseemnosy,butGregorykeepstalking.“Ilikedheralot,but…she’sjustlikeherfriends.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Alltheboysatthistablearefromwealthyfamilies,”hesays,andmyeyesgoovereachoneofthem:Ares,Zahid,Oscar,Luis,Marco,andthenbacktoGregory.“They’rethenextmanagersandownersofcompanies,corporations,businesses…”
Gregorypointstoseveralguysdressedinblackaroundthebar.“Seethoseguys?They’rebodyguards.We’reneveralone,evenifitlooksthatway.”
ButwhatdoesthathavetodowithAndrea?Gregoryseemstonoticetheconfusiononmyface.
“Thereareveryfewpeoplewhoapproachuswithoutanagenda.Andrea…”Hepauses,andthere’saslightsadnessinhisvoicewhenhecontinues.“Let’sjustsaythatherfeelingswerenotgenuine.”
Isqueezehisshoulder.“I’msorry.”
“I’mfine,I’llbefine.I’llrockHalloweeninmyvampirecostume.”
“I’msureyouwill.”
Alivelysongplays,andNatalieandAndreagetupandbegintodancefortheseatedboys.Samyjustcheckshercellphone.AndreamovesinfrontofGregory,andIlookawayuncomfortably.ShebetternoteventhinkaboutgettingclosertoAres.
NataliemovesinfrontofMarco,whodoesn’tbothertohidehisdisinterest.ShemovesontoLuis,whoapplaudsherandplaysalong.IwatchhergetclosertoOscarandthenZahid.Aresisnext,andIstopbreathing.Ican’tmakeascenehereifshedancesforhim.WhatshouldIdo?
NataliegoestomovetowardAres,buthegiveshersuchacoldstarethatIfeelshiversrunthroughmybody.IhaveforgottenhowicytheGreekgodcanbe.Sheignoreshisstareandmovestowardhim,butbeforeshecanreachhim,Aresgetsupandsayshe’sgoingtothebathroom,leavingherstandingalone.
Nataliepursesherlipsandreturnstoherseat.IgrabmyphoneandtypeatexttoAres.
Me:Goodmove.Iamproudofmyfriend.??
Hisresponsecomesquickly.
Ares<3:You’reenjoyingthis,aren’tyou?
Me:Nope,notabit.
Ares<3:Youwillfall,“friend.”
Me:NahandIamyourfriend,thequotationmarksarenotneeded.
Ares<3:My“friend”whomoansinmyearandasksformorewhenIfuckherhard.
AshiverrunsthroughmeandIfeeltheheatinvademyface.
Me:Veryinappropriate,myfriend.
Ares<3:InappropriatearethethingsIwanttodotoyou;youhavenoidea.
Phew,it’shotinhereallofasudden.LikethecowardIam,Idon’tanswerhim,afraidofwhathemightsaytome.
Timeisflyingbyandit’stimetogo.Ican’tbelieveit’sthreeinthemorning.Intheparkinglot,everyonestartstosaygood-bye.Thecoldweatherisn’tsittingwellwithSamy;Marcoisholdingherandhelpsherintothecar.
Weallgetin,andAresstartstheengine.I’mgratefulfortheheat.MarcoblowsonSamy’sface.“Hey,Samantha.”
“IthinkI’mdrunk,”Samysaysandburstsoutlaughing.Ifeelsorryforher.
Areslooksatherintherearviewmirror.“Doyouthinkso?”
Marcosighs,holdingherinthebackseat.“Wecan’ttakeherhomelikethis,hermotherwouldkillher.”
“Iknow.”Aresstartsdriving.“She’dbetterstayatmyplace.”
Iturnmyheadsoquicklytowardhimthatmyneckhurts,andIgivehimanincredulouslook.Marcorubsthebackofhisneck.
“Yes,I’llstayatyourhousetootohelpcarryher.”
Calmdown,Raquel,they’refriends.
Marcowillstay,too,it’snormal;they’refriendsstayingattheirfriend’shouse.Butjealousyiseatingmeupinside.Whenwegettomyhouse,Ihesitate,butIdon’twanttomakeascene,especiallyinfrontofMarco.Controllingmyself,Ifakeasmile.
“Haveagoodnight.”Iopenthecardoor,butArestakesmyhandandbringsittohislips.
“Trustme,Witch.”
Itakeadeepbreath.Iwanttotellhimthattrustissomethingyouearn,notsomethingyouaskfor,butIswallowthosewordsandgetout.
–ARES–
“Ares,shewon’tgetoutofthecar.”Marcogruntsinannoyance.
Iclosethedriver’sdoorandheadforthebackdoor.Samyislyingonhersideontheseat,herlegsdanglingoutofthecar.
“Samy,”Icall,andshelooksatme.“Youhavetogetoutnow.”
“No,”shemurmurs.“Everythingisspinning.”
“Comeon,Samy,”Isayandcarefullyslipmyhandsunderherlegsandbacktocarryher.Marcoclosesthedoorbehindme.Weenterthroughthebackofthehouse.Marcoopensthedoorsforme.Samyclutchesmynecktightly,murmuring.
“Mydarkprince.”
Marcogivesmeasadlookwhenhehearshercallmethat.She’scalledmethatsincewewerekidsbecauseaccordingtoher,I’vealwaysbeentheretosaveher.Butshe’sforgottenthatMarcohasalwaysbeenthereforhertoo.Hegivesheronelastlookbeforeturningtheotherway,headingforthekitchen.
“Yougotthis.”Hemumbles,walkingaway.“I’mhungry.”
ItakeSamytotheguestroombecausethere’snowayI’mgoingupstairswithherlikethat.Wegetintotheroom,andshestaggersbutstandswithmyhelp.Imanagetoturnthenightstandlamponandturnaroundtofaceher.“Youshouldn’thavedrunksomuch.”
Shecaressesherfaceawkwardly.“Ineededit.”
Herblackeyesmeetmine,andIknowIshouldn’task,butsheexpectsmeto.“Why?”
Shepointsafingeratmychest.“Youknowwhy.”
Silencefallsbetweenus,andherexpressiongrowssadder.Iglanceatthebed,atthefreshsheets.Shejustneedstosleepitoff.
“Ares…”shesaysquietly.“You’vebeenlookingatyourgirlfriendallnight,havingagoodtime,youhaven’tevenlookedatme.”
“Samantha…”
“Iwaswatchingyou;I’vemissedyousomuch.”Thepleainhervoicemakesmefeelashamed.Icareabouther,maybenotinthewaysheexpects,butshe’sstillveryimportanttome.“Haven’tyoumissedmeevenalittlebit?”
IconsidersayingyesbecauseIdon’twanttohurther.However,IthinkofRaquel,hersmile,thewayshewrinklesherfacewhenshedoesn’tlikesomethingbutdoesn’twanttosayit,howIfeelwhenshetouchesme.It’sasifshe’stouchingbeyondmyskin,asifherhandscanreachintomyheartandwarmit.So,Idon’trespond,Idon’twanttogiveSamyfalsehopewhenmyheartbelongstoRaquel.
Herblackeyesfillwithtears,andIrunmyhandthroughmyhair.
“Don’tcry.”
“You’reanidiot.Didyouknowthat?”Theangerinhervoiceissharp.“Whydidyouhavesexwithme?Whydidyouplaywithmelikealltheothers?IthoughtthatIwasdifferent,thatyoucaredaboutme.”
“Samy,Icareaboutyoualot.”
“Bullshit!Ifyoucaredaboutme,youwouldneverhaveletthisgoanyfurther.YouknewIhadfeelingsforyou,andifyoudidn’treciprocate,youshouldn’thaveletitgoanyfurther.”
Iapproachherandtrytoreachforher,butshepullsawayasifmytouchispoisonous.
“Samantha…”
Tearsfallfreelydownhercheeks.“Why,Ares?WhydidyoukissmethatChristmasnight?Whydidyoustartsomethingwhenyouknewyoufeltnothing?”
“Samantha—”
“Tellmethetruthforthefirsttimeinyourlife!Why?”
“Iwasconfused!IthoughtIhadfeelingsforyou,butIdidn’t!I’msorry.”Thepainonherfacemakesmychesttighten.“I’mreallysorry.”
“You’resorry?”Sheletsoutatearfullaugh.“It’ssoeasyforyoutosaythat!YoudestroyeverythinggoodaroundyouandexpecttofixitwithI’msorry.That’snothowlifeworks,Ares.Youcan’tgoaroundhurtingpeopleandjustexpecttobeforgiven.”
“IknowI’mfuckedup,Samantha,butI—”
“Youknowyou’refuckedup,butyoukeephurtingpeople.Youdonothingtochangethat.”
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,I’mtryingtobedifferent.”
“Forher?YouwanttochangeforRaquel,don’tyou?”
“Yes.”
“And…couldn’tyoutrythatwithme?Wasn’tIenoughforyou?”
“It’snotaboutthat,Samantha.Ijustcan’tcontrolthewayIfeel.Icareaboutyoualot,butshe’s…”Ipause.“She’s…whatshemakesmefeelis…onanotherlevel.”
Herlipstrembleasshewhispers:“Doyouloveher?”
ShelookssohurtthatIdon’tdareanswer.
“Youneedtorest.”
Shenodsandstaggerstothebed,lyingonherside,facingme.
“WouldyoumindkeepingmecompanyuntilIfallasleep?”Ihesitate,butshelookssodefeatedthatIcan’tbeartohurtheranymore,soIliedownnexttoher,andourfacesareasafedistanceapart.Shejustlooksatme,tearsrollingdownthesideofherface.
Icaresshercheek.“I’msorry.”
“Iloveyousomuchithurts.”Hervoiceisweak.
It’sthefirsttimeshetellsmeshelovesme,butherwordsdon’tsurpriseme,maybeIalreadyknew.Sheunderstandsmysilenceandgivesmeasadsmile.
“Ineedtogetawayfromyouforawhile.Ineedtogetridofthesefeelings.Because,asyourbestfriend,Iwanttobehappyforyou,becauseyoufinallyfoundsomeonewhomotivatesyoutochange,someonewhomakesyouhappy,butthesestupidfeelingsruineverything.”
“Takeallthetimeyouneed.I’llbeherewhenyougetback.”
Sheholdsmyhand.“Doyourbest,Ares.Youhaveachancetobehappy,don’truinit.It’sokaytoopenyourheart.Itdoesn’tmakeyouweak.Don’tbeafraid.”
“Afraid?”Iletoutasarcasticlaugh.“I’mterrified.”
“Iknow,”shesqueezesmyhand.“Iknowit’shardforyoutotrustpeople,butRaquelisagoodgirl.”
“Iknowthat,butIcan’thelpfeelingsofuckingvulnerable,”Isigh.“Shehasthepowertodestroyme;shecoulddoitsoeasilyifshewantedto.”
“Butshewon’t.”Shecloseshereyes.“Goodnight,Ares.”
Ileanoverandkissherforehead.
“Goodnight,Samy.”THIRTY-SEVENTheTest-RAQUEL–
Friends…
WhatwasIthinkingwhenIsaidthat?
I’mdyingtotexthim.Hehasn’tcontactedmemuch,justtextssayingthathe’sdealingwithsomethingandhe’lltalktomesoon.It’sbeenseveraldaysnow.
Howthehelldoesheplantowinmyaffectionthisway?DidsomethinghappenwithSamy?Whatifhedoesn’twanttofightformeanymore?Whatifhedecidedtogiveup?MymindhasrunthroughsomanyoptionsthatI’mborderingoninsanity.Couldthatbehisplan?ToignoremesoI’llgiveinandtakehimbacklikeit’snothing.Ha!Inyourdreams,GreekGod.
Withagrunt,Iclosethebookinmyhands.Iputmyfaceonthetable.Danisighsnexttome.
“Itseemsthatthepunishmentyouimposedonhimisaffectingyoumorethanhim.”Daniturnsthepageofthebookshe’sreading.“He’sneverbeeneasytounderstand,soIdon’tknowwhyyou’resosurprised.”
Imessupmyhairinfrustration.
“I’msupposedtobeincontrolnow,butthissilenceiskillingme.”
“Maybethat’shisplan,don’tyouthink?Thatyou’llmisshimsomuchthatwhenyouseehim,you’lljumpalloverhim,forgettingaboutstartingoutasfriends.”
“Youthinkso?”
“Shhhhhhh!”Thelibrarianhushesus.
Webothgaveherasmile.Wecameheretoseeifwecouldfinallyfinishreadingthebookthattheliteratureteacherassignedus.Iliketoread,butthatparticularteacheronlyassignsoutdated,boringbooks.I’dliketosayIappreciateagoodclassic,butIwouldbelying.
“Theexamistomorrow;we’llneverfinishreadingit,”Imurmurquietlysoasnottoattractthelibrarian’sattention.Danipatsmeontheback.
“Havesomefaith.We’realreadyonpagetwenty-six.”
Icovermyface.“Twenty-sixofsevenhundred,we’relost.”
Ican’trememberthelasttimeIreadabookforoneoftheseassignments.HowhaveIsurvivedthisclasswithoutreading?AndthenIremember:Joshua.Healwayshelpeduswiththeseassignments,andinreturn,wehelpedhimwithanyothersubjectshehaddifficultywith.
AwaveofsadnesssweepsovermeasIthinkabouthim.Thethreeofususedtocomeheretoreadanddoourhomework.Whydidhehavetobetraymelikethat?Howcouldhethrowawayalastingfriendshiplikethat?Hissweetsmileinvadesmymind,andIrememberthewayheadjustedhisglassesandwrinkledhisnosewhenhetoldmehowhefeltaboutme.
Ilikeyou,Raquel,Ireallylikeyou.
Icanclearlyrememberthevulnerabilityonhisfacewhenhesaidthat.Ican’tdenyhowmuchImissJoshua.He’salwaysbeenapartofmylife,andIcareabouthimsomuchdespiteeverything.
Themeninmylifeareanythingbutnormal.
IamsodeepinmythoughtsthatIdon’tnoticethepersonstandinginfrontofourtableuntilhishandsplacefoursheetsofpaperandtwocoffeesinfrontofus.Ilookup.
Joshuagivesusasmile.“Thisisthesummaryofthebook.Ithaskeypointsthatonlyapersonwhoreaditwouldknow.Ithinkyou’llbefineifyoureadandstudythis.”
BeforeIcansayanything,heturnsandleaves.DaniandIshareasurprisedlook.Shepicksupthesheetsandgoesthroughthem.
“He’scrazy,”shesays.“Butthis?It’sperfectlywordedandunderstandable!God,thankyou!Andcoffee.”Shekissesthecoffee.“ImustsayIdon’thatehimsomuchanymore,this—”
Danistopscoldwhenshelooksatme.“Oh,I’msorry.Igotalittleexcited.Wedon’thavetoaccepthishelpifitmakesyouuncomfortable.”
It’snotthat.Hissmile,hiswillingnesstohelp.Hisexpressionwassogenuine.
Joshuahasalwaysbeeneasytoread,theoppositeofAres.EvennowwhenI’msupposedtobeincontrolofthesituation,Idon’tknowwhatAresisthinking,orwhathewants,orhowI’msupposedtointerprethissilence.IwishIcouldreadAresthesamewayIcanreadJoshua.It’sunderstandable,though,becauseI’vehadalifetimeofknowingJoshua,whereaswithAresit’sonlybeenafewmonths.
Time…
IsthatwhatIneedtounderstandthisman?
“Raquel?”Daniwavesherhandinfrontofmyeyes.“Arewegoingtoacceptthisornot?”
Ihesitateforamoment,butthere’snopointinturningitaway.Joshuawon’tknowifweuseitornot.“We’llacceptit.”
Wespendtherestoftheafternoonreadingthesummaryandstudyingforthetest.
Friday
“Wepassed!”Danishouts,checkingthegradesonthesite.
“Ahhh!”Ijumpupandhughertightlyaswespinaroundlikecrazy.
Weseparate,scream,andhugeachotheragain.We’restillatschooleventhoughthelastclassisover.Wewerewaitingtoseeiftheteacherwouldpostthegradesfromthismorning’stest.
“What’sallthefuss?”Carlosappearsatourside.
Weseparateagain,andDanipincheshischeeks.“Leech!WepassedtheLitexam.”
“Ow!”Carlosbreaksfree,strokinghischeeks.“Really?Weneedtocelebrate;it’sonme.”
“Forthefirsttime,yousaysomethingintelligent,”Danigiveshimfive,surprisingusboth.ShemustbeinaverygoodmoodtoacceptaninvitationfromCarlos.
Joshuacomesoutofoneoftheclassroomsandwalksinourdirection.He’swearinghisbackpackononeshoulder,andahoodedsweater,withhisunrulybrownhairescapingfromhishat.Hishoney-coloredeyesmeetmine,and,foramoment,hisstepswaverasifhedoesn’tknowwhattodo,butthenhecontinueswalking.
Carlosopenshismouthtosaysomething,butDanigrabshisarmandshakesherhead.Joshuapassesmeononeside,loweringhisgaze.IknowIshouldatleastsaythankyou,butthewordsdon’twanttocomeoutofmymouth.WillIeverbeabletoforgivehim?AmIbeinghypocriticalforgivingAressomanychancesandnotbeingabletogivemybestfriendasecondchance?ThesearequestionstowhichIstilldon’thaveananswer.Daniseemstoreadmymindandturnstohim.
“Hey,”shecalls.Joshuastopsandturnstousslightly.“Thankyou.”
Hejustsmilesatusandcontinuesonhisway.However,Ican’thelpbutnoticethesadnessinhiseyes,and,forthefirsttime,Iputmyselfinhisshoes.JoshuahasnootherfriendsotherthanDaniandme.Socializinghasneverbeenhisforte.Peopleonlyapproachhimfornotesorhelp.He’salwaysbeeninhisworldofcomics,books,andvideogames.
Hemustbesolonelynow…
Daniappearsatmysideandtakesmyhand,squeezingit.
“Hemadehisowndecisions,”shesays.Ilookather.Howcanshereadmymindsowell?“You’rehavingahardtimebecauseofhim.It’sokayifyoufeelbad,butdon’tfeellikeyouhavetoforgivehim,takeyourtime.”
Imanagetosmile,and,takingonelastlookdownthehallwaywherehedisappeared,ItrytofocusonthefactthatIpassedthetest.
“Ithinkweshouldgo,”Itellthem.
Carlossmilesfromeartoearandhugsmesideways.“Tocelebratewiththeownerofmyheart!”
Danigrabshimbytheear.“Don’tgetclingy,oryouwon’tgowithus.”
“Ouch!Ouch!Gotit.”
Weleaveschool,teasingCarlosbecausehedidn’tpassandyethe’sgoingtocelebratewithus.I’mlaughingwhenIcrossthecornerintotheparkinglot,andmyeyesfallonablackcarthatIrecognize.
Ihaltinmytracks.DaniandCarloscontinueonaheadforafewstepsuntiltheyrealizethatI’vestoppedwalking.Danigivesmeaconfusedlook.
“What’swrong?”
Mypoorheartfeelshimbeforemyeyescanseehim,anditbeginstobeatdesperately.Istopbreathing,clenchingmysweatyhandsatmysides.Mystomachfeelsfunny.God,Ihadforgottentheeffectthatboyhasonme.
Andthenithappens.
Aresgetsoutofthecar,closesthedoor,andleanshisbackagainstit.Heputshishandsinsidethepocketsoftheblackleatherjackethe’swearing.Helooksatmeandtheworldaroundmedisappearsasthoseblueeyesmeetmine.
Imissedyousomuch…
Iwanttoruntohim,jumpup,andhughimtightuntilhecomplains.IwanttotakehisfaceinmyhandsandkisshimuntilIrunoutofair.Iwanttofeelhimagainstme,withhiswarmthenvelopingme.
Wherehaveyoubeen,youidiot,thatyou’vemadememissyousomuch?
IfocusontheangerandfrustrationIfeltfromnothearingfromhimthisweek.Itrytopushawaythefantasyofrunningtohimandhugginghim,whilehespinsmearoundlikeinthemovies.Thisisreality,andifhedoesn’tlearnnow,he’llneverlearnhowtovalueme.
Ihavetobestrong.
Catchingmybreath,Icalmmyheartandwalktowardhim,passingbyDaniandCarlos.
“I’llberightback.”
AsIwalktowardhim,Ican’thelpbutthinkaboutwhatI’mwearing.Myworn-outjeans,oldboots,andpinkwoolsweateraren’tthebestthingsinmycloset,buthowwasIsupposedtoknowthatAreswouldshowupoutofnowhere?Atleastmyhairisinadecentponytail.Istopinfrontofhim,andupclosehelooksevenmorehandsome.Howdoeshehavesuchlong,beautifuleyelashes?I’msoenvious!
Focus,Raquel!
Crossingmyarmsovermychest,Iliftmychin.
“HisMajestydecidedtohonoruswithhispresence,”Ijoke.
Aressmiles,andmycontrolwavers.Withoutwarning,hetakesmyhandandpullsmetohim.Icrashintohischest.Hisscentfillsmynose,makingmefeelsafe.Heputshisarmsaroundmeinatightembraceandrestshisheadonmine.Heleansintowhispersomethinginmyear.
“Imissedyoutoo,Witch.”Hisvoiceisassoftandcalmasever.
Likeanidiot,Ismileagainsthisjacketandclosemyeyes.THIRTY-EIGHTTheMan
IallowmyselftoenjoyAres’shugforfiveseconds.
AlthoughIknowIcan’texpecthimtochangeovernight,Ithinkthatheshouldatleasttryalittleharder.Itwasnicetohearhimtellmethathewouldfightforme,buthefollowedthatupbyignoringmeforawholeweek.Badmove.Itseemslikehehastroubleusinglogic,andmaybethat’sbecausehe’sneverhadtouseitwithgirls.MaybeAreshasneverhadtotryinanywaywithwomen.Oneglancefromthosebeautifuleyes,combinedwiththatsexysmile,ismorethanenoughtogetanygirl,Iknow.ButI’mtryingtobreakoutofthatpattern.
Ignoringtheprotestsfrommyheartandmystupidhormones,Istepback,pushinghimawayfromme.Whenmyeyesmeethis,Icanseetheconfusionswimminginthem.Thisissohard.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask.
“Icametoseeyou.”
“Well,yousawme.Igottago.”Iturnonmyheelandstartwalkingbacktomyfriends.Aresgrabsmyarm,turningmetowardhimagain.
“Hey,wait.”Hiseyesinspectmyface,asifhewereanalyzingeverydetail.“You’remadatme.”
“No.”
“Yes,youare.”Hegivesmethatcrookedsmileofhis.“Youlookcutewhenyou’reangry.”
Istopbreathingforasecond.WhatamIsupposedtosaytothat?
Bestrong,Raquel.Thinkaboutthattimeyoudecidedtogiveupchocolatebecauseitgaveyousomuchacne;itwashard,butyoudidit.
Aresischocolate.
—Youdon’twantacne.
Butit’ssodelicious.
—Acnehurts!
Arguingwithmyselfandnotknowingwhattosay,Ijustsmile.
“I’msorry,Witch.Itwasquiteaweek.”Hissmilefades.“Quiteacomplicatedone.”
Hisplayfulcountenancedisappearsandisreplacedbyasadnessthatheseemstobestrugglingtohide.Iwanttoaskhimwhathappened,butIhaveafeelinghewon’ttellme.
“It’sokay,youdon’towemeanyexplanations.We’rejustfriendsafterall.”
Watchinghisface,Iregretthewordsthemomenttheycomeoutofmymouth.Helookshurtandthatwasnotmyintent,Ijustwantedtomakeajoketoeasethetension.Areslickshislips,asiftryingtooverlookwhatIjustsaid.
“Actually,Icamelookingforyou.Iwanttogooutwithyoutoday.”
“Ialreadyhaveplans.I’msorry.”
“Withthem?”Aresglancesbehindme.
“Yeah,we’regoingtocelebratepassinganexam.”
Aresraisesaneyebrow.“Andyoudon’tusuallypass?”
Notwithsuchahighscoreastoday.
“Hey,it’snotthat,it’sjust….It’sFriday.Youknow,wemakeupanyreasontocelebrate.”
“Can’tyoumakeupanexcuseandcomewithme?”
“No,youshouldhaveaskedmeinadvance.”
“Raquel!”Carlosshoutsmyname.Areslookshimover,fromheadtotoe.
“Who’she?”
“Afriend.Really,Ihavetogo.”Clingingtomyself-control,Igivehimonelastsmileandwalkaway.
I’mabouttocatchupwithmyfriendswhenAresjoinsme.Igivehimastrangelook.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“I’mcomingwithyou,”heinformsmeasifitwereafact.“I’myour‘friend,’”againhemakesthosequotationmarkswithhisfingers,“soImayaswellbepartofafriends’celebration.”
Inarrowmyeyesandopenmymouthtoprotest,butAresstepsforwardtogreetDani.HeintroduceshimselftoCarlos,givinghimafirmhandshake.Danigivesmeawhat-the-helllook,andIanswerherwithaconfusedshrug.
“Wherearewegoing?”Aresasks,smiling,hischarismaonfulldisplay.Danismilesback.
“WethoughtaboutgoingtothecaféonMainStreet.”
“Youcelebratewithcoffee?”heasks,givingusaconfusedlook.
Daniarchesaneyebrow.“Yes.Anyproblemwiththat?”
Heraiseshishands.“No,none,butIhavealcoholatmyhouse.”
Ha!Tryingtotakemetoyourterritory,GreekGod?Nicetry
“Really?”Carlosasks,hisfacelightingup.
Aresnods,findinganally.“Yes,andverygoodquality.”
Carloslooksatus.“Shallwego?”
DaniandIexchangeglances,butshesavestheday.
“No,thankyou.Weprefercoffee.”
Carlospouts.“But…”Danigrabshisarm,digginghernailsintoit.“Ow!Coffee!Yes,coffeeisbetter.”
Areslooksdisappointed.“Well,IguessI’llhavetodrinkalonewithApolo.”
“Apolo?”Danilooksathimsuddenly.
“Yes,hemustbesolonelyathome.”Heputshishandsinhisjacketpockets.
Danihesitates,andIcanseethatnowshereallywantstogotoAres’shouse.HeboughtCarloswithalcohol,andDaniwithApolo.Imustadmitthathismovesaregood.Danidoesn’tsayanything,keepinghereyesontheground.Iknowshewon’tsayshewantstogo,becauseshe’llputourfriendshipfirst,asusual.She’sleavingthedecisioninmyhands,andthat’swhyIlovehersomuch.
CarlosandDaniwanttogo,andI’llfeellikethebadguyifIsayno.Aresknowsthat.He’sverygoodatmanipulationbutnotatmakingthingsrightwithme.That’swherehisbrainfailshim.
“Allright,let’sgowithhim.”Isurrender.
MyhouseisbehindtheHidalgos’.Ijusthavetogowiththem,waituntilthey’recomfortable,andthenleave.Itsoundslikeaneasyplan,buteverytimeI’vegonetoAres’shouse,we’veendedupinbedtogether.Butthere’ssomethinginsidemethattellsmethistimewillbedifferent.
Seeitasachallenge,Raquel.
OnthewaytoAres’shouse,IcallmymomtotellherthatI’mgoingtostudywithDaniatacafé.Thetensionbetweenushasdroppedabit,butIstillhavetoletherknowwhereIamfromtimetotime.
Thecarsmellsofhim,and,althoughItrytoignorewhathisclosenessdoestome,mybodycan’tcontrolitsreactions.Carloskeepstalkingabouteverythinghesees,andDanirearrangesherhairwhenshethinksnooneislooking.
AsmilingApolocomesoutandwavesatuswhenwearrive,lookingsocutewithhismessyhair.He’swearingalooseunbuttonedplaidshirt,revealingawhiteT-shirtunderneath,andjeans.
“Hey,kid,”Carlosgreetshim.“Doyoulivehere?”
“He’smybrother,”Aresexplains.
Claudia,thered-hairedmaid,comesdownthestairscarryinganemptybasket.
“Goodevening,”shesays.Weallreturnthegreetingpolitely.
Aresasksherinagentlevoice,“Claudia,canyoumakesomedrinksandtakethemtotheplayroom,please?”
Ohno,nottheplayroom
Ishedoingitonpurpose?
Ilookathimforasecond,andhismischievousgrintellsmeyes.
DaniandApologreeteachotherawkwardly,andIwonderwhat’sbeengoingonbetweenthosetwo.Weallgointotheplayroom,andit’smuchthesameasIrememberit:thebigTV,thedifferentvideogameconsoles,thecouch…thecouchwhereIlostmyvirginity.
Thepassion,thewildness,thesensations.Hislipsonmine,hishandsallovermybody,thefrictionofournakedbodies.Unconsciously,myfingerstouchmylips.Imisshim,andit’storturetohavehimsoclosewhilehavingtokeepthedistancebetweenus.
“Rememberingsomething?”Hisvoicebringsmebacktoreality,andIlowermyhandasfastasIcan.
“No.”Myeyessearchfortheothers,whoareturningontheconsoleandsettingeverythingupwhilelaughingatsomethingCarlossaid.
“Don’tlie.”Hegetsalittlecloser.“Irememberthatnightwhenyoucameinheretoo.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”Ifeigndisinterestandstepasidetojointhegroup.
AsIpassbyhim,hetakesmyarmandstopsme.
“EverytimeIsitonthatcouch,Irememberyou:naked,virginal,wetforme.”
Iswallowthickly,shakinghimoff.
“Stopsayingsuchthings.”
“Why?Areyouafraidyou’llgetexcitedandletmefuckyouagain?”
Isaynothingandwalkawayfromhim.Suddenlyit’shotinhere.
VirginofAbs,whydoyoumakeitsodifficultforme?
“Areyouokay,princess?”CarlosasksmewhenIjointhegroupagain.“You’reallred.”
“Princess?”Aresasks,reachingus.Carlosgrinslikeafool.
“Yes,sheismyprincess,theownerofthishumbleheart.”
Andthat’showthemostuncomfortableminuteofthedaybegins,insilence.Arestensesup,clenchinghisjaw.DaniandIlookateachother,notknowingwhattosay.Carloskeepssmilinginnocently.Finally,Apolonoticesthetension.
“That’sfunny,Carlos.”
“Let’sgetstarted.”Danichangesthesubject.
Surprisingly,Aresplaysalong.“Sure,howaboutifCarlosandIhavethefirstduel?”
CarlospointstoAresandthentohimself.“Youandme?”
“Yes,butaduelwithoutaprizeisnofun.”
“What’stheprize?”Carlosasksexcitedly.
“Ifyouwin,youcantakethreeoriginalgamesfrommycollection.”Areslooksatme,andIexpecttheworst.
Carlos’sfacelightsupsoquickly.“WhatifIlose?”
“YoucallRaquelbyhernamefromnowon.Noprincessorwhateveryou’reusedtocallingher.”Thecoldnessinhisvoice,inhisrequest,againremindsmehowicyArescanbe.
Carloslaughsloudly,surprisingusall.Noonesaysanything,Idon’tthinkanyonemoves.Iopenmymouthtotellhimthathehasnorighttodecidewhatotherscallme,butCarlosbeatsmetoit.
“No.”
“What?”
“Ifit’slikethat,thenIwon’tplay.”
Aresstretcheshishands.“Areyouafraidoflosing?”
“No,I’maveryfunnyperson,butwhatIfeelforherisnojoketome.”
Aresclencheshisjaw.“Whatyoufeelforher?”
“That’sright,anditmaynotbereciprocated,butatleastIhavethecouragetoshoutitouttoeveryone,andIdon’tgoaroundmanipulatingandcreatingstupidgamestogetwhatIwant.”
TheknucklesonAres’sclenchedfiststurnwhite.Carlossmiles.
“Menfightforwhattheywantopenly;childrenactthisway,”hesays,pointingtoAres.
Aresholdsback,anditseemstobesohardforhim.Withoutaword,heturnsaroundandwalksoutoftheplayroom,pullingthedoorshutbehindhim.Iletoutasighofrelief.Carlossmilesatmeasalways.
Danisitsonthecouchnexttousandletsoutalongbreath.“IthoughtIwasgoingtohaveaheartattack.”
ApolowearsanexpressionthatIcan’tquitemakeout.Isheangry?ForthefirsttimeIcan’treadhissweetface.
HeturnstoCarlos.“Youwerelucky,youshouldn’thaveprovokedhimlikethat.”
“I’mnotafraidofyourbrother,”Carlosreplies,standingup.
Apolosmilesandit’snotsweet,it’sthatcheekygrintheHidalgoswearwhentheydon’tlikesomething.
“Youtalkalotaboutmaturity,butyoujustprovokedsomeonetomakeyourselflooklikethematureoneandthevictim.Who’stheoneplayingstupidgames?I’llberightback.”
HeleavesthroughthesamedoorasAres.Regardlessofwho’sright,ApolowillalwaysbeonAres’sside.They’rebrothersafterall.
TheenigmaticHidalgobrothers.THIRTY-NINETheFeeling
SinceIgothomefromAres’shouse,Ihaven’tmovedfrommybed.It’sbeenafewhoursnow.Nighthasfallen,it’scold,andit’sstartingtorain.Apartofmefeelsguilty,andIdon’tknowwhy.Wedidtherightthingbyleaving.Besides,wedidn’twantafightbetweenCarlosandAres.
Therainalwaysputsmeinsuchamelancholymood.Isitinthesemidarkness,andmysmalllampgiveseverythingayellowhue.Myeyesareonthewindowwatchingtheraindropsfall.Rockyisnexttomeonthefloorwithhismuzzleonhisfrontpaws.
Theraingetsheavier,soIgetuptoclosemywindow.ThelastthingIneedisformywholeroomtogetwet.EverytimeIgonearthosecurtains,IrememberthefirsttimesIinteractedwithAres.WhenIreachthewindow,myheartstops
AresissittinginthatchairwhereIfirstsawhim.He’sleaningforward,hishandsholdingthebackofhishead,andhiseyesarefixedontheground.
IblinkincaseI’mimagininghim,butAresisstillsittingthere,rainpouringdownonhim.He’ssoakingwet,andhiswhiteshirtclingstohisbodylikeasecondskin.Whatthefuckishedoing?It’sfall,forGod’ssake;hemightcatchacold.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Ishout.
Ihavetorepeatitandraisemyvoicebecausethesoundoftheraindrownsitout.Aresliftshisheadtolookatme.Thesadnessinhiseyestakesmybreathawayforasecond,thenasweetsmileformsonhislips.
“Witch.”
“Whatareyoudoingthere?You’regoingtogetsick.”
“Areyouworryingaboutme?”
WhydoyouseemsosurprisedthatIam?
“Ofcourse,”Idon’teventhinktoanswer.Somehow,I’moffendedthathethinksIdon’tcareatall.
Hedoesn’tsayanything,justlooksaway.Ishegoingtostaythere?
“Doyouwanttocomein?”Iask.Regardlessofourcurrentsituation,Ican’tjustleavehimthere,lookingsosad.Iknowsomething’swrongwithhim.
“Idon’twanttobotheryou.”
“You’renotbotheringme,justbehavewhileyou’rehere,andwe’llbefine.”
“Behave?Whatdoyoumean?”
“Noseducingmeandstuff.”
“Okay.”Heraiseshishand.“WordofaGreekgod.”
Hecomesupstairsandassoonashestepsinmyroom,Irealizethatmaybethiswasn’tagoodideafortworeasons:one,becausehelooksfuckinghotallwet,and,two,becausehe’sdrippingallovermycarpet.
“Youhavetotakeoffthoseclothes.”Hegivesmeasurprisedlook.
“Ithoughtnoseduction.”
Iglanceaway.“You’resoakingwet.Don’tgetanyideas!Takethemoffinthebathroom.I’llseewhatIcanfindthatfitsyou.”
Obviously,Ican’tfindanythingthatfitsAres,justabathrobethatmymotherwasgiftedsometimeagoandneverwore.Istandinfrontofthebathroomdoor.
“Ionlyfoundarobe.”
Aresopensthedoorandcomesoutinhisboxersasifitwerethemostnormalthingintheworld.
JesusChrist,he’shot.
Iblushandlookaway,extendingmyhandwiththerobetowardhimuntilhegrabsit.
“Areyoublushing?”
“No,”Isay,actingcasual.
“Yes,youare,althoughIdon’tunderstandwhy.You’vealreadyseenmenaked.”
Don’tremindme!
“I’llberightback,”Isay.
Hetakesmyhand,cleardespairinhisvoice.“Whereareyougoing?”
“Iboiledmilktomakehotchocolate.”
WhenIreturn,he’ssittingonthefloorinfrontofthebed,playingwithRocky.Evenmydogcan’tresisthim.Helookscuddlyinthatwhitebathrobe.Ipasshimhiscupofhotchocolateandsitdownnexttohim.Rockycomesovertolickmyarm.
Wesitinsilence,sippingfromourcups,watchingtherainhitthewindow.Eventhoughthere’senoughspacebetweenourbodiesforRockytopassbetweenus,IstillfeelthosenervesIgetwhenhe’saround.Ilookathim,andhiseyesareabsent,watchingthewindow.
“Areyouokay?”Helooksdownatthecupofchocolateinhishands.
“Idon’tknow.”
“Whathappened?”
“Somethings.”Herunshisfingeralongtherimofthecup.“I’llbefine,don’tworry.”Iletoutasigh.
“Youknowyoucantrustme,right?”
Helooksatmeandsmiles.“Iknow.”
Idon’twanttopressurehim.Iknowthatwhenhefeelsreadytotellmewhat’shappening,hewill.Fornow,wesit,watchingtherainwithacupofchocolate,andenjoybeingtogether.
–ARES–
Thisfeelsgood.
Ineverthoughtbeingquietwithsomeonecouldbesocomforting.WithRaquelevensilenceisdifferent;everythingwithherhasbeensofuckingdifferent.
Fromthefirsttimewetalked,Raquelhasbeensounpredictable.Ithinkthatwasthefirstthingthatgotmyattention.WhenIexpectedaparticularreactionfromher,shewoulddosomethingcompletelydifferent,andthatintriguedme.Ienjoyedteasingher,makingherblush,andseeingthatwrinkleinhereyebrowswhenshegetsangry.However,Ineverplannedtofeelanythingelse.
It’sjustfun,ItoldmyselfsomanytimeswhenIfoundmyselfgrinninglikeanidiotthinkingabouther.Ijustsmilelikethatbecauseit’sfun,that’sall.
Lyingtomyselfhadbeensoeasy,butitdidn’tlastforlong.IknewIwasintroublewhenIstartedrejectinggirlsbecauseIdidn’tfeelanything.ItwasasifRaquelhadmonopolizedeverythingIfelt,andthatterrifiedme.Ihavealwayshadcontrolovermylife,overwhatIwant,overotherpeople.Givingupthatcontrolwasimpossible;Icouldn’tgiveituptoher.
Ihurtheragainandagain.Shetookeachblow,eachhurtfulword.Iwantedtobelievethatshewouldgiveup,andmylifewouldreturntonormal,butdeepdownIprayedthatshewouldn’t,thatshewouldwaitalittlelongeruntilIsortedoutmymess.
Shewaited,butshealsogottired.Nowshewantsmetostartfromzero,tofightforheralloveragain.
Whynot?
Ifanyonedeservesmyeffort,it’sher.It’stheleastIcandoafterallthepainIcausedher.I’mgratefulthatshegavemeachancetowinherback.I’mgratefulthatsheinvitedmeintoherroom.Ineededthis.Ineededthecomfortandpeacethatshegivesme.
Finishingmyhotchocolate,Iputthecupasideandstretchmylegs,placingmyhandsatmysides.Idaretolookather,andshe’sstillblowingonwhat’sleftofherdrink.Iguessit’swarmerforherthanitwasforme,IwassocoldwhenIdrankit.
Takingadvantageofherdistraction,Islowlyobserveher.Herpajamasareoneofthoseonesiesthathaveazipperinthemiddleandahoodwithlittleears.Shemustlookadorablewiththehoodcoveringherhead.Herhairisinamessybunthatlookstousledasifshe’stossedandturnedalot.
Couldn’tsleep,huh?
Inevitably,myeyesfallonherface,andlingeronherlips,whicharehalf-openassheblowsherhotchocolateagain.
Iwanttokissher.Tofeelheragainstme.
Itfeelslikeit’sbeenforeversinceIlasttastedherlips,andit’sonlybeenaweek.Asifsensingmygaze,Raquelturnstome.
“What?”
Iwantyousobad.Iwanttoholdyourfaceinmyhandsandkissyou,tofeelyourbodyagainstmine.
Ishakemyheadslightly.“Nothing.”
Shelooksaway,andablushcolorshercheeks.IlovetheeffectIhaveonherbecauseshehasthesameeffectonme,ifnotstronger.Ican’ttouchher.Sheletmeinhere,andIcan’tscareherawaynow.
Isigh,listeningtotheraindropshittingthewindow.Ifeelsomuchbetternow.Justhavingherbymysidemakesmefeelbetter.
Iamsofucked.
Ifeelherhandonmineonthecarpet,andthewarmthofherskinfillsmeandcomfortsme.Idon’tdaretolookatherbecauseIknowthat,ifIdo,I’llbeclosetolosingcontrolandbeggingforherkisses.
Withmyeyesonthewetwindowpane,Isayit.
“Mygrandfatherishospitalized.”
Forasecond,shesaysnothing.
“Whathappened?”
“Hehadastrokeandpassedoutinthebathroom.”Myeyesfollowaraindropslowlyslidingdownthewindow.“Ittookthenursesattheretirementhometwohourstonotice,tofindhimunconscious,sowedon’tknowifhe’llwakeuporiftherewillbeanyaftereffects.”
Shesqueezesmyhand.“I’msosorry,Ares.”
“Twohours…”Imutter,feelingalumpforminginmythroat,butIswallowhard.“Weshouldneverhaveletthemtakehimtothatretirementhome.Wehadenoughmoneytopayforanursetotakecareofhimathome.Hewasfineathome.Ifhehadbeenathome,thisshitwouldn’thavehappened.”
“Ares…”
“Weshouldhavefoughtthedecision.Wewerefuckingcowards.Ofcourse,myuncleswantedhimtogo.I’msuretheywerecrossingtheirfingersthathewoulddietheresotheycouldclaimhisinheritance.Myuncles,mycousins…”Imakeasweepinggesturewithmyarm.“Theydisgustme.Youhavenoideawhatmoneycandotopeople.Myfatherwastheonlyonewhodecidednottoliveoffmygrandfather’smoney.Heacceptedmoneytostarthisbusinessandwhenhebecamesuccessful,hepaidmygrandfatherback.Ithinkthat’swhymygrandfatherwasalwaysclosertous.Inaway,herespectedmyfather.”
RaquelcaressesmyhandinasoothingwayasIcontinue.
“Mygrandfatherlovedussomuch,andweletthemtakehimtothatplace.Andnowhe’s…”Itakeadeepbreath.“Ifeelsoguilty.”
Ilookdown.Raquelmovesandsitsonmylap.Thewarmthofherbodycaressesmineandherhandsholdmyface,forcingmetolookather.
“It’snotyourfault,Ares.Itwasn’tyourdecision.Youcan’tblameyourselfforwhatotherpeopledid.”
“Ishouldhavefoughtmore,donemore.”
“Iknowthatifyouhadfoundsomeotheroption,youwouldhavetakenit.You’renotgoingtoachieveanythingbytormentingyourselfthisway.Nowwejusthavetowaitandhavefaiththateverythingwillbeallright…thathe’llbeallright.”
Ilookherstraightintheeye.
“Howcanyoubesosure?”
Shegivesmeasinceresmile.“Ijustknow.You’vebeenthroughalot;Ithinkyoudeserveabreak.Yourgrandfatherisgoingtobefine.”
Unabletocontrolmyself,Ipullhertomeandhugher,buryingmyfaceinherneck.Herscentcalmsme.Iwanttostaylikethis.Sheletsmeholdherandcaressesthebackofmyhead.
It’sliberatingtotellsomeonehowyoufeel,lettingitouttakessomeoftheweightoffyourshoulders,likeyou’resharingthepain.Itakeadeepbreath,buryingmyfaceevenfurtherintoherneck.
Idon’tknowhowlongwestaylikethisuntilshefinallypullsawayfromme,stillonmylap.Iwanttoprotest,butIdon’t.Instead,myfingersgentlytraceherface.
“You’resocute,”Isay,watchingherblush.
Thebackofherhandcaressesmycheek.
“You’recutetoo.”
Apleasantsensationfillsmychest.Sothisiswhatit’sliketobehappy.Thismomentisperfect:therainbeatingagainstthewindow,herhandonmyface,oureyeshavingaconversationsodeepthatwordscouldnevermatchit.IneverthoughtthatIwouldhavesomethinglikethis.Ithoughtthatlovewasanexcusetoletsomeoneelsehurtyou.YethereIam,lettingherin,andmyfearhasdiminished,overshadowedbythiswarmfeeling.
Ilickmylips,observingeverydetailofherface.Iwanttomemorizeit,sothatwhenshe’sgone,Icanrememberher.Thesoundoftherainmixeswithhersoftbreathing,andmyheartbeatechoesinmyears.IopenmymouthandsayitbeforeIevenfinishthinkingaboutit.
“Iloveyou.”
Hereyeswideninsurprise,andherhandstopsonmycheek.Iknowshewasn’texpectingitbecauseIwasn’teither.ThewordswereoutofmymouthbeforeIcouldcontrolthem.Shelowersherhand,hesitationandindecisionclearonherface.
“It’sokay,don’tfeelpressuredtoanswerme,”Iassureher,fakingasmile.“ThelastthingIwanttodoispressureyou.”
“Ares…I…”
Itakeherfaceandleanintoher,givingherakissonthecheekandthenmovingclosertoherear.
“Isaidit’sokay,Witch.”Mybreathonherskinmakeshershiver,andIenjoyit.
WhenIpullaway,shestillseemshesitant,squirmingagainstme,andIgivehermybestsmile,squeezingherhips.
“Don’tmovesomuch,there’salimittowhatIcanhandle.”Thebloodrushestoherface,andshelooksdown.
“Pervert.”
“Beautiful.”
Shelooksatmeagain,redasatomato,andstandsup.Mythighsfeelcoldwithouthercloseness.Whatthehelliswrongwithme?It’slikeI’mdesperateforherattentionandaffection.WhoknewthatI’dbebeggingagirlandtellingherIloveherwithoutgettingananswer.
Isnort,laughingatmyself.
IrememberRaquel’swordsthatnightatArtemis’sbaraftersheturnedmeonandleft:Karmaisabitch,GreekGod.Ohyes,itis.Raquelpicksupourcupsfromthefloorandsetsthemonthecomputertablebeforesheturnsandgivesmeaquizzicallook.
“Whatareyoulaughingat?”
“Atmyself,”Isayopenly,standingup.
“It’slate,”shewhispers,crossingherarmsoverherchest.Ifeelherbecomingdefensive,carefuleven,andIcan’tblameher.She’safraidI’llhurtheragain.
“Doyouwantmetoleave?”I’msurprisedbythefearinmyvoice.Shejustlooksatmewithoutsayinganything,soIclearmythroat.“It’sokay.”Iwalktothewindowandseethattherainhasstopped,butit’sstilldrizzling.
“Ares….Wait.”
Iturntoheragain,she’sleaningonthecomputertable,herarmsstillcrossedoverherchest.
“Huh?”
“Youcan…stay,”shesayssoftly.“Butno…”
“Sex,”Ifinishforher.Raquelopenshermouthtosaysomething,butinsteadsheclosesitandjustnods.
Ican’thelpthereliefthatrunsthroughmybody.Idon’twanttoleave,andhercompanyismorethanenoughforme.AlthoughbeingwithherinabedisatemptationthatImayfindhardtohandle,I’lldomybest.
Herdogstretchesoutinfrontofthewindow,whileRaqueltossesthepillowsonthebedaside,makingroomforbothofus.Sheliesdown,gettingunderthecovers,andIdothesame,lyingonmysidetowatchher.Herbedsmellsofher,andit’ssocomforting.Sheliesonherbackwithhergazeontheceiling.
We’recloseenoughthatIcanfeelherwarmth,andmymindtravelstothememoryofthatnightItouchedherinthisverybed,whenIwasabouttomakehermine.
Don’tthinkaboutthatnow,Ares.
ButhowcanInot?IwanthersobadlythatIclenchmyhandssoIdon’ttrytoreachforher.IturnarounduntilIamonmybackbecauseIneedtostoplookingather.
Iclosemyeyes,andI’msurprisedwhenIfeelhercrawltowardme.Sheslipsherarmaroundmywaistandrestsherheadonmyshoulder,huggingmesideways.MyheartisracingandI’membarrassedthatnowshecanhearit.
ThisiswhatIneed.
“It’sgoingtobeokay,”shewhispers,givingmeakissonthecheek.“Goodnight,GreekGod.”
Ismilelikeanidiot.
“Goodnight,Witch.”FORTYTheNewAwakening–RAQUEL–
AfeelingofwarmthandfullnesscomesovermewhenIopenmyeyestofindAresasleepnexttome.SomethingassimpleashimbeingthefirstthingIseewhenIwakeupcanmakemesighandsmilelikeanidiot.
He’slyingonhisback,hisfaceslightlyturnedtowardme.Hisblackhairismessy,hislongeyelashescaressinghischeekbones.Heissobeautiful,butIfeellikeI’vealreadymovedbeyondhislooks,andIcanseetheboybehindthatperfectphysique.Theboywhodoesn’tknowhowtohandlehisemotions,whotriesnottoshowweaknesstoanyone,whoisplayfulwhenhe’snotsurewhattodo,andcoldwhenhethinkshe’llgethurt.
AnyonemeetingAresforthefirsttimewouldsayhe’stheperfectguy.Wheninreality,forme,he’sbeenlikeanonion
Iknow,that’sastrangechoiceofwords,andyetit’sappropriate.Areshaslayers,justlikeanonion,andonlywithtimeandpatiencehaveIpeeledthembacktorevealthesweetboywhotoldmehelovedmelastnight.
Icouldn’ttellAresthatIlovehimtoo.Theendlessstruggletoreachhishearthascausedmesomuchpain.WitheverylayerIpeeledback,Ilostapieceofme.Istillhavewoundsthathaven’thealed.Andthere’sapartofmethatisupset,notwithAres,butwithmyselfforallthatIlostforhim.
Ishouldn’tbehere.Ishouldhavetoldhimtofuckofflongago.However,Ican’tlieandsaythatIdon’tfeelanythingforhimanymore,thatIdon’tfeelmystomachtickle,andthatIdon’tstopbreathingwhenhelooksatme.Ican’tsaythatIdon’tfeelcompletelyhappywakingupnexttohim.
Stupidlove.
Thedragontattoolookssogoodonhissmoothskin.Uneasily,Iraisemyhandandtracemyfingeracrosshistattoo.Myeyestraveldownhisarm,andIcan’thelpbutstareathisabs.Atsomepointduringthenight,Arestookoffthebathrobe,andI’mnotcomplaining.Thesheetonlycovershimfromthewaistdown,andIfeellikeapervertlickingmylips.
Myhormonesareraging,andifitweren’tforthefactthatAreswassodepressedlastnight,Iwouldn’thavelethimstay,becausethisistoomuchtemptation.Istareathislipsandrememberthatnighthegavemeoralsex,howIclutchedthesheets,howImoaned,howitfelt.
Stopit,Raquel!You’regoingtoendupattackinghim.
One…Two…Three…
Comeon,self-control,Ineedyoutorecharge.
Mentallyslappingmyhormones,Iwithdrawmyhandandsigh.ThisisgoingtobealotharderthanIthought.Aresistootempting,eveninhissleep.Igetcomfortable,restingmyfaceonmyhandtowatchhimlikethestalkerIam.
Andthenheopenshiseyes,surprisingme.Havinghimthisclose,Icanseehowdeepandbeautifulthebluesofhiseyesare.Istaystill,waitingforhisreaction.Areshasn’tbeenthebestwhenitcomestouswakinguptogether—he’srunawaybothtimes—soIpreparemyselffortheworst.
Mymothersaysthatpessimistsliveabetterlifebecausethey’realwayspreparedfortheworst,and,whentheworstdoesn’thappen,theirjoyisdoubled.I’veneveragreedwithher,buttodayImightconsiderherpoint.I’msoreadytoseeAresgetupandgivemeexcusestoleavethatwhenhedoesn’t,myheartraces.AndthentheidiotGreekgoddoeswhatIleastexpect.
Hesmiles.
Asifhewasn’tbeautifulenoughjustwakingupwithhishairpointingindifferentdirections,lookingvulnerable,thefooloffersmeasmilesogenuinethatIfeellikeI’mdyinghere.
Doublejoy.
“Goodmorning,Witch,”hewhispers,stretching.Istarelikeafoolasthemusclesinhisarmsandchestflex.
Virginofabs,creatorofthisbeing,havemercyonme.
Arespullsoffthesheetandstandsup;he’sonlyinboxers,soIcanseealotmorethanIshould.Heturnstome,touslinghishair.
“CanIuseyourbathroom?”
Youcanuseme,handsome,Irespondinmyhead.
Raquel,control!
Ijustnodasmyrestlesseyeswanderdowntohisboxersandnoticethathe’shard.
“God.”Iblush,lookingaway.Areslaughs.
“It’sjustthemorningwood,relax.”
Mymouthdriesup.“Okay.”
“Whyareyoublushing?”
“Areyoureallyaskingmethat?”
Ilookathim,carefultokeepmyeyesonhisface.Heshrugs.
“Yes,you’veseenitbefore;you’vefeltitinsideyou.”
Irunoutofsalivafromswallowingsomuch.
“Ares,don’tstartwiththat.”
Hegrins.“Why?DoesitturnyouonwhenItalktoyoulikethat?”
Yes
“Ofcoursenot,it’s…inappropriate.”Hisfingersplaywiththeelasticbandofhisboxers.
“Inappropriate?”Helickshislowerlip.“InappropriateiswhatIwanttodotoyou,Imisshearingyoumoanmyname.”
“Ares!”Heraiseshishandsinasignofpeace.
“Okay,I’mgoingtothebathroom.”
Whenhefinallywalksintothebathroomandclosesthedoor,Icanbreathe.Afterusingthehallbathroomandtryingtosortoutthemessmyhairbecameduringthenight,IreturntomyroomwithAres’sdryclothesinmyhandstofindhimsittingonmybed.Ihandhimhisclothesandtrynottolookathimwhilehedresses,butwhenheputsonhispants,Iseethatassofhisandbitemybottomlip.
“Ilikemakingyoublush.Youlookcute,”hesays,andIblushevenmore.
“I’mstillamazedathowchangeableyouare.”
“Changeable?”heasks.
“Yes.”
“AndmayIaskwhatIhavedonetodaytomakeyoucallmethat?”
Ilistthemwithmyfingers:“Lastnight:romantic.Thismorning:sexual,tempting.Now:sweet.”
Helaughsandsitsonthebedtoputonhisshoes.
“Iseeyourpoint,butit’syourfault,”hesays.“Youmakemefeeltoomanythingsatonce.So,Ireactdifferentlyeverytime,youmakemethisway.”
Iraiseaneyebrow,pointingatmyself.
“Asusual,blamingme.”Hefinisheswithhisshoesandgetsup.
“Doyouhaveplanstoday?”
“Letmecheckmyschedule.Forreal,I’maverybusygirl.”Morelikeanot-grounded-anymoregirl,buthedoesn’tneedtoknowthat.Iglanceatthecalendaronthewalltoconfirmthatmyprisondayshavecometoanend.Hewalkstowardme,andIbackaway.
“Ohyeah?”heasks.
“Yes.”Heslipshisarmaroundmybackandpullsmeintohisbody,hisscentenvelopingme.
“I’mnotgoingtotakenoforananswer.Ifyousayno,I’llseduceyourighthere,andwe’llendupthere.”Hepointstothebed.
“You’resoarrogant.Youtrustyourseductionskillswaytoomuch.”
“No,IjustknowthatyouwantmeasmuchasIwantyou.”
Iwetmylips.“Whatever.Letmego,Ihavenoplans.”
Satisfiedwithmyanswer,hereleasesme.
“I’llpickyouupintheevening.”Hekissesmeontheforeheadandturnsaway.
Iletoutabigsigh,watchinghimleavethroughmywindow.
AdatewithAres…
Romanticdinner,movies,andagood-byekiss.
Ithinkit’snormaltoexpectthatfromafirstdate.That’showtheyalwaysareonTVandwhatDani,myfirstdatingsource,hastoldme.SoI’msurprisedwhenAresstopshiscarinthehospitalparkinglot.Iwatchhimtakeoffhisseatbelt,andIdothesame.
Thehospital?
Myfirstdatewillbeinahospital?Howromantic,GreekGod.
Isitstill,watchingasAreshesitatesoverwhattosay.He’swearingablackshirt.Ilovethewayhelooksinblack,orwhite,orreallyanycolor.Healwayslookssohandsomewithouteventrying.Areslickshislipsbeforeturninghisbluegazeonme.
“I…hadreservationsatanicerestaurant,movietickets,andadeliciousicecreamplaceinmind,”hesays,pausingformyreply.Isaynothing,sohecontinues.“ButwhenIleftthehouse,Igotacall:mygrandfatherwokeup.Ididn’twanttokeepyouwaitingorcancelthedate.Ididn’twanttoscrewupagain,soIbroughtyouherewithme.Iknowit’snotperfect,andit’sterriblyunromantic,but—”
Iplacemyfingeronhislips.
“Shutup.”Igivehimanhonestsmile.“Nothinghaseverbeenconventionalbetweenus,sothisisperfect.”Hiseyessoften,chargedwithemotion.
“Areyousure?”heasks.
“Completely.”
I’mnotlying,thisreallyisperfectforus,and,tobehonest,thetypicaldatewasn’twhatIexpectedofhim.Iexpectedmorefromhim,Iwantedmore,andIgotit.Aresislettingmein.He’sshowingmethissideofhim,andthefactthathewantsmewithhimatthismomentmeansalottome.
Thewalktothehospitalentranceissilent,butnotuncomfortable.IcanfeelthefearandanticipationemanatingfromAres.Heputshishandsintothepocketsofhispants,pullsthemout,runsthemthroughhishair,andputsthembackin.Ican’timaginewhathemustbefeeling.Whenhetakeshishandsoutagain,Itakeone,andhelooksatme.
“Everythingwillbefine,”Isay.
Holdinghands,weenterthewhitehospitalworld.Thelightingissobrightthatyoucanseeeverydetailofthewallsandfloor.Nursesanddoctorsinwhitecoatspassfromonesideofthehalltotheother.Somecarrycoffees,whileotherscarryfolders.Eventhoughmymomisanurse,myvisitstothehospitalhavebeenfewbecauseshedidn’tliketoexposemetothisplace,orthatwasthereasonshealwaysgaveme.IglanceatmyhandintertwinedwithAres’sandawarmsensationfloodsthroughme.Aftergivinghisnametosomekindofdoormanintheelevator,wegoup.
Thefourthfloorissilent,desolate.Ionlyseeafewnursesinastallthatwepassaswecontinuetoalongcorridorwherethelightingisnolongersobright.Ifinditcuriousthattheintensivecarewarddoesn’thavethevibrantlightofthefloorbelow,asifthesofterlightingsuitstheplace.I’msurethisfloorhaswitnessedalotofsadness,good-byes,andgrief.
Attheendofthecorridortherearethreepeople,andaswegetcloser,Icanseewhotheyare:Artemis,Apolo,andMr.Hidalgo,Ares’sfather.MynervesjitterasI’mremindedthatthisissomethingveryintimateforhisfamily.WhatifImakethemuncomfortablewithmypresence?
Mr.Hidalgoisleaningagainstthewall,hisarmscrossedoverhischest,andhisheaddown.Artemisissittinginametalchair,leaningbackinit,histieundone,andthefirstbuttonsofhisshirtopen.Hisusualperfectlycoiffedhairisindisarray,andInoticehehasabandagearoundtheknucklesofhisrighthand.Apoloissittingontheground,hiselbowsonhisknees,holdinghisheadwithbothhands.Hehasafreshbruiseonhisleftcheek.Didhegetintoafight?
Whentheyhearourfootsteps,theyalllookatus.IswallowasIseeaquestionaboutmypresenceintheirgazes,butwhentheynoticeourintertwinedhands,somethingchanges,andtheyseemtorelax.Aresrushestohisfather,andIletgoofhishand.
“Howishe?”Aresasks.
“Awake,theneurologistisevaluatinghim,talkingtohim,youknow,thecheckupbeforedoingothertests.”
“Willwebeabletoseehimtonight?”
Aresdoesn’tbothertohidetheconcernanduncertaintyinhisvoice.Iknowthathe’sdesperatetoknowhowmuchthestrokehasaffectedhisgrandfather.
“Ithinkso,”hisfatherreplies,relaxinghisshoulders.Istandback,notknowingwhattosayordo.Aresturnstowardme,andhisfather’seyesfollowhismovement.
“Dad,thisisRaquel,mygirlfriend.”
Girlfriend.
Thewordleaveshislipsnaturally,andInoticehowheremembersaboutusstartingoutasfriends,butbeforehecantakeitback,Ismileathisfather.
“Nicetomeetyou,sir.IhopeGrandfatherHidalgorecoverssoon,”Isay.Hejustsmilesbackatme.
“Nicetomeetyou.You’reRosa’sdaughter,aren’tyou?”
“Yes,sir.”
“Sir?Youmakemefeelold.”Althoughhesmiles,thejoydoesn’treachhiseyes.“CallmeJuan.”
“Sure.”Heseemstobeagenuinelynicemanandthatconfusesme;Iwasexpectingabitter,arrogantoldman.AlthoughIguessIshouldhaveguessedasmuchwhenArestoldmeabouthimlastnight.
Myfatherwastheonlyonewhodecidednottoliveoffmygrandfather’smoney.Heacceptedmoneytostarthisbusinessandwhenhebecamesuccessful,hepaidmygrandfatherback.Ithinkthat’swhymygrandfatherwasalwaysclosertous.Inaway,herespectedmyfather.
Juanhasfoughtandworkedhardtogettowhereheisnow,andIthinkthatspeaksverywellofhim.IwonderwhathappenedbehindcloseddoorsthatcausedAres’smomtobeunfaithfultohimandcarelessenoughtolethersonwitnessit.Ialwaysthoughtthatmenweretheoneswhoscreweduphomes.Iknow,it’saterriblegeneralization,andnowIrealizethatit’snotlikethat;mistakesthatruinlivescanbemadebybothgenders.
InodatArtemisandApolo,whosmilesback.Artemisdoesn’tlooklikethetypetopickafightwithsomeone.Healwayslookssoregal,mature,andcool.OrmaybeI’mjumpingtoconclusions.
Atall,older,white-haireddoctorcomesoutoftheroom,adjustinghisglasses.Istepback,lettingApoloandArtemisstandnexttoArestohearwhatthedoctorhastosay.
“It’sgoodnews,”hebegins,andtheirsighsofreliefechointhehallway
ThedoctorproceedstoexplainGrandpaHidalgo’sconditionusingmedicaljargonthatIdon’tquiteunderstand.ThelittleIcandecipheristhat,althoughtherearestillsometeststobedone,thedamagefromthestrokeisminimal,andGrandpaHidalgoisgoingtobefine.Thedoctortellsthemthattheycanseehimnowandleaves.
Istandwatchingasthefourmeninfrontofmehesitate;theywanttogiveeachotherahug,buttheircodesofbehaviorwon’tallowit,andIfindthatsosad.Whyisitsohardtounderstandthatit’sokaytohugeachotherwhenyouwanttocryforjoybecauseyourgrandfatherwillbeokay?Theiremotionscrosstheirfacessoclearly:joy,relief,guilt.
ItakeAres’sarmandturnhimtowardme,and,beforehecansayanything,Igivehimatighthug.Overhisshoulder,IwatchasApolohugshisfather,andadoubtfulArtemisjoinsthem.Theygetreadytogoinside,andIgiveAresafewlastwordsofencouragementbeforewatchinghimdisappearthroughthedoor.
IsitinthemetalchairwhereArtemishadbeen.Idon’tthinkhisgrandpawouldwanttoseeastrangerafterwakingupfromsomethinglikethat.I’mwaiting,absorbedinmythoughts,whenIhearfootstepsechoacrossthefloor.WhenIlookup,Iseeagirlwalkingtowardme,andittakesmeafewsecondstorecognizeherwithoutheruniform:Claudia.
Shegreetsme,andwestarttotalk.Iaskheraquestion,andshe’sabouttoanswerwhenweheartheclearsoundofheelsheadingtowardus.Claudiaturns,andIfollowhergaze.
SofiaHidalgowalksperfectlyinherfive-inchredheels,wearingawhiteskirtthatcoversherkneesandashirtofthesamecolorwitharedprint.Inherhandsshecarriesasmall,discreetpurse,alsocrimsonincolor.Herfacelooksflawlesswithmakeupthatlooksprofessionallydone,andherhairisinatightponytail.Thisladyisinherforties,almostfifty,andshelooksthirty.Theelegancesheconveysissogenuinethatanyonewouldsayshewasbornwithit.
She’sverybeautiful,Ithinktomyself.ThenthoseblueeyesthatmyGreekgodinheritedfromherfallonmeandsheraisesaperfecteyebrow.
“Andwhoareyou?”FORTY-ONETheBoyfriend
SilencereignsasClaudiaandIstareatSofiaHidalgo.OutofallthepossiblereactionsIcouldimagine,Claudia’swasnotoneofthem.Itremindedmeofthesayings:“Peoplearenotwhattheyseem”and“Neverjudgeabookbyitscover.”
WhenIfirstsawClaudia,shestruckmeassubmissive:aservicegirlwhowasusedtoloweringherheadinfrontofherbosses,whohadwitnessedthebestandworstmomentsofthefamilysheworkedforbutsaidnothingaboutit.
Boy,wasIabysmallywrong.
Ares’smotherwaitsformyanswer,notbotheringtohidehercontemptuouslook.Ican’tspeak.I’mnotashamedtoadmitthatI’mveryintimidatedbythislady.Sofiacrossesherarmsoverherchest.
“Iaskedyouaquestion,”shesays.Iclearmythroat.
“MynameisRa-Raquel.”Iextendmyhandtoherinafriendlymanner.Sheglancesatmyhandandthenbackatme.
“Well,Ra-Raquel,”shemocksmystutter,“whatareyoudoinghere?”
Claudiastandsnexttome,andwithherheadheldhighandafirmvoice,shespeaksforme:“ShecamewithAres.”
AtthementionofAres,Sofiaraisesaneyebrow.
“Areyoukidding?WhywouldAresbringagirllikeher?”
“Whydon’tyouaskhimyourself?Oh,right,communicationwithyourchildrenisnotyourforte.”
Sofiapressesherlips.“Don’tstartwithyourlittletone,Claudia.Thelastthingyouwanttodoisprovokeme.”
“Thenstoplookingatherlikethat.Youdon’tknowher.”
Sofiagivesusatiredlook.“Idon’thavetimetowastewithyou.Whereismyhusband?”
Claudiajustpointstothedoor,andSofiawalksthroughit,leavingusalone.Finally,IfeellikeIcanbreathe.Iclutchmychest.
“Whatascarywoman,”Isay.
Claudiasmilesatme.“Youhavenoidea.”
“Butyoudon’tseemtobeintimidated.”
“Igrewupinthathouse.IthinkIdevelopedtheabilitytodealwithintimidatingpeoplelongago.”
Itmakessense,Ithink,rememberinghowintimidatingArtemisis,andevenAresbeforeIgottoknowhimwell,andnowthiswoman?Claudiamustbeimmunetothesekindsofstrongpersonalitiesaftergrowingupsurroundedbythem.
“Inoticed,Ijustthoughtthatsinceshe’syourboss,you…”
“Wouldletherintimidatemeandtreatmebadly?”shefinishesforme.“She’snotmyboss.Juanis,andhe’salwaysprotectedmefromthatwitch,especiallyafter…”Claudiastops.“IthinkI’vetalkedtoomuchaboutme,tellmeaboutyourself.”
Isigh,andwesitdown.
“There’snotmuchtotell.I’vejustfallenundertheHidalgos’spell.”
“That’sobvious,butIseeyou’vegottenthatidiottoadmithisfeelings.”
“Howdoyouknow?”
“Becauseyou’rehere,”shereplies.“Hisgrandfatherisoneofthemostimportantpeopleintheworldtohim,sothefactthatyouareheresaysalot.”
“IhaveheardsomuchaboutthisgentlemanthatI’dliketomeethim.”
“Ihopeyoumeethimsoon.He’sawonderfulperson.”
Wechatforawhile,andIrealizehowmuchIlikeClaudia.She’saninterestingwomanwithastrongcharacter.Ithinkwecouldbeincrediblygoodfriends.Shegivesmeagoodfeeling,andIfeelcomfortablearoundher.Therearepeoplewithwhomyoujusthavegoodchemistry,andwekindofclick,evenaftertalkingonce.
Afterawhile,Aresleavestheroom,followedbyArtemisandApolo.ClaudiaandIstandup.Artemis’seyesmeetClaudia’s,andhepresseshislipstogetherbeforeturningandwalkingdownthehall.
Apolosmilesatus,avoidingClaudia’seyesatallcosts.
“Let’sgogetacoffee.Grandpaaskedforyou,Claudia.Youshouldgoinwhenmyparentsleave.”AndwiththattheyoungestHidalgobrotherfollowsArtemis.
Aresapproachesme,hisblueeyesarefullofemotion,relief,andpeace.Ican’timaginehowworriedhe’sbeenthepastfewdays.Hetakesmyhand,andIcan’thelpbutnoticethathedoesn’tgreetClaudia.
“Comeon,Witch.”IglanceatClaudia,whohasherheaddown,andamurmurescapesherlips.
“I’msorry,”shesays.Areslooksather.
“Itwasn’tyourfault,”hesays,soundinghonest.“Hisimpulsivenesswillneverbeyourfault,Claudia.”Shejustnods,andIdon’tunderstandshit.
Isaygood-byetoClaudiaandfollowAres.Walkingwithhimhandinhandfeelssounreal.
Dad,thisisRaquel,mygirlfriend.
Hisgirlfriend…
Thetitlemakesmyheartflutterwithexcitement.IneverthoughtI’dgettobehisgirlfriend;he’stheguyIwatchedfromtheshadows,fantasizingaboutbeingbyhissidesomedaylikethis,butIneverthoughtitwouldbecomeareality.
Areslooksatme,withhiscutelipsformingasmile,andIswearmyheartthreatenstopumpoutofmychestandleaveme.
Iwanttokisshim.
Iclenchmyfreehandtocontrolmyselfsoasnottopullhimtowardmeandcrashmylipsagainsthis.Wearriveatthehospitalcafeteria,andAresleavesmeatatableafteraskingmewhatIwant.Hegoestoordersomethingforbothofus.Withmyhandsinmylap,Ilookaround.
IfindArtemisandApolo,sittingatdifferenttables.What’swrongwiththosetwo?
Slowly,myheadbeginstoconnectthedots:Artemis’sbandagedhand,Apolo’sblackeye,theuncomfortablelookandtensionbetweenArtemisandClaudiaashelefttheroom.Didthey…fightoverher?Theycouldn’thave.ApoloisinterestedinDani,isn’the?AndthethoughtofArtemisbeinginterestedinClaudiadoesn’tsoundlikehim,doesit?Whatthehellisgoingon?
Aresreturns,puttingacaramelmacchiatoinfrontofme,myfavorite.
“Thankyou,”Isaywithasmile.
Hesits,stretchingouthislonglegs.Iknowhowdefinedhisthighmusclesareunderthosepants,andIalsoknowwhat’sinbetweenthoselegs.
Raquel,forGod’ssake,you’reinahospital.
Shakingmyhead,Itakeasipofthecoffee,closingmyeyesbecauseit’ssodelicious.WhenIopenmyeyesagain,Aresraisesoneeyebrow.Ilickmylips,notwantingtomissadropofthisdelight.
“What?”Iask.
“Nothing,”hereplies.Inarrowmyeyes.
“What?”Iaskagain.
“ThefaceyoujustmaderemindedmeofthefaceyoumakewhenImakeyouorgasm.”Myeyesopensowidetheyhurt,andheatsuffusesmycheeks.
“Ares,weareinahospital.”
“Youasked.”
“Youhavenoshame.”
“No,whatIhaveisdesireforyou.”
Iclearmythroat,takinganothersipofmycoffee.Aresextendshishand,palmup,offeringittome.Idon’thesitatetotakeit.
“IknowIshouldn’thavesaidyouweremygirlfriendupthere;Idon’twanttopressureyou.IknowIhavetoearnthings.”
“It’sokay,really.”
HishandseparatesfrommineandIalmostpout.Hedrinkssomeofhiscoffee,too,andI’mcurioustoknowwhathisfavoriteis.
“Whatdidyouorder?”Iask.Heanswersmeinamockingtone.
“Acoffee.”
“Iknowthat.Imean,whatkindofcoffeedidyouorder?”Iclarify.Aresleansoverthetable,hisfacegettingawfullyclosetomine.
“Whydon’tyoufindoutforyourself?”Hepointstohislips.Thisclose,Icanseehowwettheyareandhowsofttheylook,butIpushhimawayslightly.
“Goodtry.”
“Howlongareyougoingtotortureme,Witch?”
“I’mnottorturingyou.”
“Yes,youare,butIdeserveit.”
Wetalkforawhile,andInoticethathismoodhaschangeddrastically.He’srelieved,happyeven,andIlikeseeinghimlikethat.Thisplaceseemsloudafterspendingsomuchtimeinthatgrim,silenthallwayupstairs.Mycuriositygetsthebestofme.
“What’sgoingonwiththosetwo?”IpointtoArtemisandApolo.Arestakeshistimebeforeanswering.
“Theyhadafight.”
“BecauseofClaudia?”Ithrowmyguessoutthere.
“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“Iconnectedthedots.Whathappened?”
“It’snotmyplacetotalkaboutit.”
“Ugh,howboring.”
Arescrosseshisarmsoverhischest.
“I’mnotanoldbusybody,I’myourboyfriend,”hesays.Itcamesonaturallytohimthathedidn’tevenrealizehesaidituntilhenoticedmysurprisedexpression.Aresscratchesthebackofhishead.
“You’vemadeafoolofme.”
“AfoolIreallylike,”Isay.
Ares’slipscurveintoatriumphantsmile.
“Doyoulikeme,friend?”
Iblush,gigglinglikeafool.
“Justalittle.”
Afterpassingbyhisgrandfather’sroomagain,Aresbringsmebacktomyhouse,parkinghiscaroutfront.Thesexualtensionintheairmakesithardformetobreathe.Heunbuckleshisseatbeltandturnshisbodytowardme.
“Iknowitwasn’tthemostromanticdateintheworld,butIhadagreattime.Thankyouforbeingbymysidetonight.”
“Itwasperfect,”Itellhimhonestly,“I’msogladyourgrandfatherisokay.”Aresrestshiselbowonthesteeringwheelandrunshisthumbacrosshislowerlip.
“It’stimefortheimportantquestion.”
“Whatquestion?”Iask.Heleansoverme,forcingmetoburymybackinmyseat,andhisfaceissoclosetominethathisbreathcaressesmylips.
“Doyoukissonthefirstdate?”
Ihaven’tthoughtaboutthatatall.Idon’thavemuchknowledgeofthedatingworld,butIrememberDanitellingmethatshewasthetypetokissonthefirstdate.Shesaidsheneededtoknowiftherewaschemistryornot,soshewouldn’twastehertimewithfuturedates.
However,thissituationisn’tthesame.Iknowthere’schemistry,toomuchIwouldsay,andthathe’sagreatkisser,andthat’stheproblem.Idon’tknowifIcancontrolmyselfifIkisshimbecauseIknowmyself-controlhasalimit.Areswetshislips.
“Aren’tyougoingtoanswerme?”
Mybreathingisalreadyagitated,myheartonthevergeofcollapse,andIcan’tspeak.Aresletsoutasighofdefeatandreturnstohisseat.
“I’msorry.I’mpushingyouagain.”
Unabletohelpmyself,Iunbucklemyseatbeltandgrabhimbyhisshirtcollartopullhimtome.Hislipsfindmine,andImoanatthesensation.
Aresgrowls,grabbingmyhair,movinghislipsaggressivelyovermine.Thekissisn’tromantic,andIdon’twantittobe.We’vebothmissedeachothertoomuchforittoberomantic.It’sacarnal,passionatekiss,fullofvolatile,strongemotions.Ourhotbreathsmingleasourwetlipstouch,squeeze,suckeachother,ignitingthatuncontrollablefirethatflowsbetweenussoeasily.
Histonguetracesmylips,thengetsintomymouth,intensifyingthefeelings.Ican’thelpbutmoanagainsthislips.Aresslipshisfreearmaroundmywaisttopullmeclosertohim.Mybodyiselectrified,everynerverespondingtoeverytouchnomatterhowslightitis.
Arespouncesonme,forcingmebackinmyseat,withoutseparatinghismouthfrommine.Heusesthelevertopushmyseatback,andmovesfromhisseattomine,gettingcompletelyontopofme.I’mamazedathisabilitytodothatsoquickly.Hislegsstaybetweenmine,spreadingthemapart,andI’mgladIhaveleggingsonundermyfalldress,becausehepullsituptomyhips,exposingme.
HepresseshisbodyagainstmineandIcanfeelhowhardheisthroughhispants.Hismouthleavesminetoattackmyneck.Istareupattheroofofthecarashedevourstheskinofmyneckandmovesdowntomychest,hisclumsyhandspullingdownthestrapsofmydress.
GoingagainsteverythingI’mfeelingrightnow,Iputmyhandsonhisshoulders.
“Ares,no.”
Heliftshishead,hisdesire-filledblueeyesmeetmine,andmyself-controlwavers.Hischestrisesandfallswithhisacceleratedbreathing.Hegivesmeawarmsmile.
“Okay.”
Hismouthfindsmineagain,butthistimesoftlyandtenderly.Ismileagainsthislips,andmutter:“vanillalatte.”
Hepullsawayfromme.
“What?”
“Thecoffeeyouhad.”
Aressmilesbackatme,andhe’ssofuckinggorgeous.Hegesturesathispants.
“Doyoustillthinkthisisnottorture?”
“Justalittle.”
“Sure,it’sfinewithme,though,”herunsthebackofhishandacrossmycheek.“Itwillonlymakeitmuchmoreintensethemomentwhenyougiveyourselftomeagain.”
“Yousoundprettysurethat’sgoingtohappen.”
“Iam.”Hisconfidencehasalwaysbeensexytome.“YouthinkIdon’tknowhowwetyouarerightnow?”
“Ares…”
“DoyourememberhowgooditfeelswhenI’minsideyou?Thattouch,thatfrictionthatdrivesyoucrazyandmakesyoubegmeformore.”
“God…”Iputmyhandsonhischest.“Stoptalkinglikethat.”
“You’reallred.”Aresgrinsandreturnstohisseat.“Ialsohavetherighttotortureyou.”
“Idiot,”Imutter,regainingmycomposure.“Igottago.”
Iopenthedoor,andI’mnotsurprisedathowshakymyhandis.Igetout.
“Goodnight,”Isayandclosethedoorbehindme.
Areslowersthecarwindow.
“Hey,Witch.”
Ilookbackathim.
“Whenyoutouchyourselftonight,moanmynameloudly,”Istopbreathing,andhewinksatme.“I’lldothesame,thinkingofyou.”
Thecarwindowgoesupandhedrivesaway,leavingmewithmymouthopen.
Stupid,perverted,Greekgod!FORTY-TWOTheHalloweenParty
“Youlookspectacular.”
“Ifeelspectacular,”IanswerwithabigsmileonmyfaceasIlookatmyselfinthemirror.I’mthetypeofpersonwhosometimesfeelspretty,sometimesaverage,andsometimesjustawful.It’ssostrange.It’slikeIhavenoexactconceptofwhatIlooklike,anditdoesn’thelpthatbeautycanbesosubjective.
“Imustsay,thatcostumeisthebestdecisionyou’vemadeinawhile,”Danicontinues,outlininghereyebrowsinfrontofthesmallmirrorinherhands.
We’regettingreadytogoouttonightforHalloween.Gregoryinvitedmethatnightattheclub,butIstillwaitedforArestoinvitemehimself.Itwasn’thardtochoosemycostume.Tonight,I’mawitch.Mycostumeconsistsofastraplessblackdress,tightatthetopbutloosefromthewaistdown,reachingtothemiddleofmythighs,anecklacewitharedpendant,blackgloves,longbootsofthesamecolor,and,ofcourse,abighat.
Danihastakencareofmymakeup:darkeyeshadow,perfectlyappliedblackeyeliner,andredlipstick.Ifeelsupersexy.OnceIconvincedhertogowithme,shedecidedonawickedkittycostume,earsandall.
“Ican’tbelieveI’mgoingwithyou,”shemutters,gettingup.
“Arestoldmetobringyou.”It’strue,ArestoldmetobringDani.Itwasagroupouting,andhethoughtitwouldbefairtohaveoneofmyfriendswithme.“Besides,Apolowillbethereforsure.”
“Whydoesitmatterifhe’sthere?”sheasks.
Isigh.IknowDanidoesn’tliketoadmitherweaknesses,orifshelikessomeonealot.
“Youdon’thavetolietome.Iknowyou’rehurt.”
“Pfff,”shesnorts,“please,heandIhadnothing.”
“Butyouwerejuststartingsomethingwhenhesuddenlystoppedtextingyou,”Ireply.“Andthat’sdrivingyoucrazy,you’renotusedtoaguygettingawayfromyou.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,alotofguyshavegottenawayfromme.”
“Ohyeah?Likewho?Nameone.”
Sheturnsherbacktometotouchuphermakeup.
“Idon’trememberaspecificnamerightnow,but—”
“Butnothing,”Iinterrupther.“We’regoingtogo.You’regoingtohavefun,andifhetalkstoyou,youaskhimdirectlywhyhechanged,period.That’stheDaniIknow.”
“Okay,”sherepliesreluctantly.“Allright,nopromises.”
Iwalkuptoherandpinchhercheeks.
“Nowsmile,prettykitty.”
Aressendsmeamessagetellingmehe’soutsidewithMarco,andIaskhimtogiveusafewminutes.
I’mreallynervous.Idon’tknowhowhe’llreactwhenheseesmeinmycostume,andIwanttosurprisehim.Thepasttwoweekshavebeengreatforbothofus.We’vegoneoutseveraltimes,finallyhavingnormaldates.However,thesexualtensionbetweenushasgrowntootherworldlylevels.Tobehonest,Idon’tknowhowIhaveputupwithsomuch.
Wegetoutofthehouse,andthechillynightairhitsme.ThefirstoneIseeisMarcoinacopcostume,andIcan’tdenythathelooksgreat.Arescomesaroundthecar,andIstopbreathingfortworeasons:one,helooksridiculouslysexy,andtwo,hiscostumeisaGreekgod.He’swearingsomesortofwhiterobethatrevealshisdefinedarms,withagoldenribbonacrosshischestandacrownoverhismessyblackhair.It’stoomuchformypoorsoul.
VirginofAbdominals,Ientrustmybeingtoyoutonight.
Areslooksatme,andhiseyestraveldownmybodyslowly,eachspotburning,smolderingundertheintensityofhisgaze,asacrookedsmileappearsonhislips.
“Iknewit.”
“Iknewittoo.”Ipointtohiscostume.
“Comehere.”HegesturesformetomovetowardhimandIdo.Upclose,hisfacelooksevenmorebeautifulwiththatcrownonhishead.Hecouldeasilyhavebeenagod;thebeautyisthere.Hishandcaressesmyarm.“Hello,Witch.”
“Hello,GreekGod.”Myhandsarerestless,soIplacethemonhischest,loweringthemalittletofeelthatdefinedabdomenthroughthethinfabricofhiscostume.Whocouldblamemefortouchinghimlikethat?
“Touchingmesoearly?”hesays,asifreadingmythoughts.Ibitemylip.
“Oops,it’sjustthatthecostumesuitsyousowell.”
“Ohyeah?”Aresleanstowardme.“ButIthinkyou’denjoytouchingmewithoutitmore.”
“Areyouproposingsomethingindecent?”
“Very,veryindecent,Witch.”
Ipushhimawayandlaughtoeasethetensionbetweenus,becauseifIdon’t,I’mgoingtoendupunderhimmoaninghisnamebeforeIevenleavethehouse.IrunawayfromAresandfindMarcotalkingtoDani.
“Hey,Marco,”Icall.
“Hi,Raquel.Areweready?”
“Yes,”Ianswer,feelingAres’sgazeonthebackofmyhead.“Where’sApolo?”Marcoshrugshisshoulders.
“He’swaitinginthecar.”
Ifrownatthat.Itseemsoddthathe’snotoutheregreetingus.What’swrongwithApololately?He’schanged.Ihaven’teventalkedtohimmuchatschool.
“Let’sgo,”Aressays,openingthedriver’sdoorandgettingintothecar.Idothesame.DanihesitatesasMarcoopensthedoorforhertogetin.She’sgoingtobeinthemiddleseat,rightnexttoApolo,who’swearingasailorcostumewithalittlewhitehatthatmakeshimlookevencuterthanusual.IcanseethedistinctexpressionofdiscomfortonDani’sface,andIgiveheracomfortinglook.
“Theplaceispacked,”Marcocomments,checkinghiscellphone.“I’msogladwehaveVIPaccess.”
“Whatdidyouexpect?”Aresreplies.“It’sHalloweenafterall.”
“Nextyearweshoulddressupasagroup.”Apolofinallyspeaks,surprisingus.“SomethinglikeallofusasPowerRangersorNinjaTurtles,orcharactersfromaserieslikeGameofThrones,thatwouldbereallycool.”
“Howoldareyou?”Marcolaughs.“Twelve?”
Ifeeltheurgetodefendhim.
“Hey,there’snothingwrongwithdressingupinagroup!Ilikeyouridea,Apolo.”
Igivehimasmile,andhereturnsthegesture,butitappearsthatMarcohasnointentionofstayingquiet.
“Yousaythatwhenyoutwodidn’tevendressupasacouple.”HepointstoAresandme.
“Ofcoursewedid,witchandGreekgod,”Iexplain,butMarcosnorts.“It’ssomethingbetweenusyou’dneverunderstand.”
Areslaughs.“She’sright,Marco.You’dneverunderstand,thelongestrelationshipyou’veeverhadwaswiththecigaretteyoujustsmoked,andnowit’sover.”
Wealljoininthelaughter,andMarcogrunts.
“Allagainstme,huh?”
Whenwegettothebar,IrealizethatMarcowasn’texaggeratingwhenhesaiditwaspacked.There’salineofpeopleoutsidetheplace,andasignoverthedoorindicatingthatit’salreadyfull,andthattheycan’tguaranteeentryevenifyouwaitoutsideforhours.Theguarddoesn’tevenblinkasheletsusin.
Thedecorismind-blowing.Everythingisblackandorange,withfakeskullsandbodieshangingfromtheceiling,andspiderwebsandfakebloodonthepillars.Thebartendersaredressedaspirates,servingdisgusting-lookingcoloreddrinks.Thereareseveralsmokemachines,makingitlookliketheroomisfulloffog.Everyoneisincostume,andmyeyesroamallovertheplace,tryingtoseethemall.Theatmosphereisperfect,andit’snowondersomanypeoplewanttocomein.Artemisknowshowtorunhisbusinessandtakeadvantageoftheseoccasions.
WeclimbthestairstotheVIParea,whereatableawaitsus,withSamantha,Gregory,Luis,andAndrea.NoNatalietonight?Howlovely.
Gregory’sfacelightsupwhenheseesme,andIgetexcitedtoo.Hestandsupandgivesmeahug.
“Raquel,Iknewyou’dcome.”
“Ofcourse,Icouldn’tmissseeingyourvampirecostume.”Igivehimmythumbsup.“Itlooksgreatonyou.”
Luisalsostandsup.
“Sincewhendidyoutwogetsoclose?Ifeelleftout.”
“Iwaswonderingthesamething,”Aressaysashejoinsus.Herunshishandaroundmywaist,pullingmetohisside.
Gregoryshakeshishead.
“Easy,baby.”HemakessexyeyesatAres.“Ionlyhaveeyesforyou.”
Aresgiveshimatiredlook,andIwiggleoutofhisgrip.
“Relax,vampiresaren’tmything.”
Luisintervenes.“Shelikes….Whatareyousupposedtobe,Ares?God?”
“AGreekgod.”
Samanthajoinsus,greetingeveryonewithasmile.
“Areyoulivinguptoyourname?”
Luisfinallycatcheson.“Oh,right,youguysarenamedafterGreekgods.Yoursistheoneofwarorsomethinglikethat,isn’tit?”
“Nowonderhe’satroublemaker.”Gregorysighs,andAreshitshisarm.
“Whoyoucallingatroublemaker?”Aresdemands.
Gregoryagainmakeseyesathim.
“Hitmeharder,baby.”
Wealllaughandsitdown.SpendingtimewithAres’sgroupoffriendshasbecomemorebearableanddefinitelymorecomfortable.IthinkitwasamatterofgivingmyselftimetogettoknowthemuntilIcouldstopfeelingoutsidethegroupandbepartofit.EvenAndreacanholdadecentconversationwithoutherfriendNatalie.However,Ihaven’tforgottenwhatGregorytoldmeaboutherbeingagolddiggerwhobrokehisheart.
ApolositsasfarfromDaniaspossible,forcingDanitochatwithLuis,whoisflirtingwithher,unawarethatmybestfriendhasherheartsetontheyoungestHidalgoandcan’thelpglancingathimfromtimetotime.
Feelingmorerelaxedwiththisgroup,Iallowmyselftohaveafewdrinks.Theylookdisgustingbuttastedelicious,especiallyonecalledDragMetoHell,whichisadelight.Butatthisrate,ifIkeepdrinking,I’llendupinhellwithacertainGreekgodwho’shangingaround.Icanfeelmycheeksandearsgrowingwarm.Apparently,alcoholmakesmehot,whichmakesmeaneasytargetforAres,soIcutback.Idecidetowalktothecandleroomtoseethedarkside.Idon’tnoticeAresfollowingmeuntilI’minside,andhisvoicesoundsbehindme
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Witch?”Iturntohim,andhisblueeyesareglowingwithsomethingdarkanddangerous:desire.
Iswallowhardforthesecondtimetonight.Myeyesnoticethesmallcouchtotheside,andmyheartpoundsindesperation.We’realoneinthesemidarkness.
“Weshouldgoback,”Isay.
Aresapproachesmewithslowsteps.
“Yes,weshould.”
Ilickmylips,watchinghisbody,rememberinghowhefeelsnakedagainstme.
“Yes,really,weshouldgo.”
Henods,standingsoclosetomethatI’mforcedtolookuptomeethiseyes
“Iknow.”
“Thenwhyarewestillhere?”Iask.Hisnosebrushesmine.Mylipsopeninanticipation,mybreathingalreadyamess.Hegrabsmyneck.
“Becausetonight,”hewhispers,“you’regoingtobemineagain,Witch.”
Andwiththatsaid,hepresseshislipsagainstmine.FORTY-THREETheLackOfControl-ARES–
Ican’tcontrolmyself.Idon’twanttocontrolmyself.
Ihavewaitedtoolong,heldontoolong.Mycontroltremblesandcrackswitheverykiss,everybrushofmytongueagainsthers,everytouchofhersoftskinagainstmyhands.Islamheragainstthewall,kissingherdesperately,andherwitch’shatfallsoffandgetslostinthedarkness.
Itrytocalmmyselfandbegentle,tofeeleverypartofher,soeventhoughIwanttodevourher,topenetrateher,tohearhermoanmynameinmyear,Itakemytime.Icaressandkissheruntilherbreathingturnstogasps,andIknowshe’sasturnedonasIam.Myhandsfidgetandtravelinsidethatshortwitch’sdressshe’swearing,mylipsneverleavinghers.Movingherunderwearaside,Islidemyfingersoverherwetness.Shemoans,andIsuckonherbottomlip.
“Alreadywet?”
Shedoesn’tsayanything,shejustshudderswhenoneofmyfingerspenetratesher.ItfeelssohotandwetinsideherthatIfeellikeI’mgoingtoexplodefromhowhardIam.
“Ares…”shemutters,hervoiceisfullofdesire.“Weare…weshouldn’tbehere.”
Isinkmyfingerevendeeperinsideherandhearhergasp,clingingtomyshoulders.Mylipsleaveherstolickandnibbletheskinofherneck.Iknowit’sherweakspot.Shedropsherheadback,andherhipsstartswayingtotherhythmofmyfingers,drivingmecrazy.Iusemyfreehandtocaressherbreaststhroughherdress.
Nomore,Ican’twaitanylonger.
Unabletohelpmyself,Ipullawayfromher,removingmyhandfromhertofreemymanhoodandputonacondom.Sheprotestsimpatiently.
“Ares,please.”
Ilookintohereyesplayfully.Shedoesn’thesitatetotellmewhatshewants.
“Iwantyounow,insideme.”
“Ohyeah?”Iteaseher,liftingoneofherlegsandputtingitaroundmywaist.“Youpervertedlittlewitch.”
Myhardnessbrushesagainsther,andIrestmyforeheadonhers.
“I’mnotgoingtobegentle,”Isay.
Shebitesmylowerlip.
“Idon’twantyoutobe.”
Igrabherbythehair,forcinghertolookintomyeyes,andImovemyhipsforward,penetratinghercompletelywithasinglethrust.Webothmoanatthesensation.
God,I’veforgottenhowamazingitfeelsinsideher,wet,tight,hot,smooth
Ican’tstoplookingatherbecauseshelookssofuckingsexyandvulnerablelikethis,herredcheeks,herswollenlips,hereyesshiningwithdesire.Sherunsherhandsaroundmyneck,andIgrabherotherlegsoIcanliftherallthewayupandstartmoving,pressingheragainstthewallwitheachsharpmovement.Ikissheragain,drowningouthermoanswithmymouth.
“OhGod,Ares!”shegasps,losingcontrol.
Soft,wet,andwarm….More,Ineedmore.Ispeedupmymovements,pressingherharderagainstthewall,movinginandoutofherwetness.Forasecond,Ithinkaboutstopping.Idon’twanttohurther,butjudgingbythewaysheasksformore,IknowshelikesitasmuchasIdo.
Ifthiskeepsup,I’mgoingtofinishfasterthanIwantto.Carryingher,ImovebackwarduntilI’msittingononeofthecouchesandshe’ssittingontopofme,withthepowertodrivemecrazierthanshealreadyis.
Raqueldoesn’thesitatetomoveontopofme,incircles,backandforth,andIrealizethiswasnotagoodideaifIdon’twanttofinishquickly.Shelookslikeagoddess,thecandlelightgivingherslightlysweatyskinaglowingtouch.Ineverthoughtsexcouldfeelsogood.It’snotjustthephysicalaspect,butit’salsotheconnection.Ouremotionsareconveyedineverytouch,everylook,everykiss.
Shit,she’sgotmeinthepalmofherhands.Shehasthepowertodestroyme,andthetruthisIdon’tcare,beingdestroyedbyherwouldbeafuckingprivilege.
Shepullsdownherdress,exposingherbreasts.
Ohyes,afuckingprivilege.
Isqueezeherwaist,guidinghermovements.
“Doyouliketoridemelikethis?”Iask.Shemoansinresponse.
“Yes,Ilikeitsomuch.”
Ispankherandshetrembleswithpleasure.
“You’reallwet.”Istraightenupalittletolicktheskininthemiddleofherbreastsandthensuckonthem.“Iwantyoutocomeonme,justlikethis.”
Ifeelhertighteningaroundme,Iknowshe’salmostthere.
“Oh,Ares,itfeelsso…oh!”Imovewithher,thrustingdeepintoher.Hermoansgetoutofcontrol,andIknowI’mclosetoo.
Ihugher,whisperinginherear,butoutofthecornerofmyeyeInoticemovementtomyright.Ilookoverandseeasurprisedfacebetweenasmallopeninginthecurtainsthathideus.
Marco.
Instinctively,myhandsliftupRaquel’sdressandI’mrelievedtofeelhercovered,butshedoesn’tstop.Marcotakestwosecondstoreact,andIgivehimacoldlookthatmakeshimgoaway.
I’dliketosaythatdistractedme,butthat’snotthecase.Mywitchkeepsmovingonme,onthevergeoforgasm,pullingmewithher.Shekissesme,andthefrictionofourconnectedbodiesintensifies.
Shewhimpersagainstmymouth,herbodyshuddersagainstme,herwetnessissqueezingme,herorgasmdrivingmine,andIgripherhipsasIcome.
Suddenly,Icanhearthemusicagain,andthesoundofourheavybreathing.Raquelhugsme,andIburymyfaceinherneck.Icanfeelourheartsracing,andIdon’twanttomove.Thisfeelsperfect.
Andthat’sbeenoneofthefirstbigdifferenceswithRaquel.Beforeher,IalwayswantedtogetawayfromthegirlIjusthadsexwithonceIwassatisfied.ButwithRaquelIfeelthisneedtostaywithher,withherpressedontome.Istillrememberhowmuchitscaredme,thatfeelingofwantingtostaybyherside.Itwasn’tsomethingthathadeverhappenedtomebefore.
Iinhaleherscentandsmileagainstherskin.
I’mnotafraidanymore,Witch.
Idon’twanttorunawayanymore.
Igiveherakissandwecarefullygetup,fixingourcostumes.Iwatchherlowerherdress,makingitlooklikenothinghappened.
“IguessI’moutofthefriendzone,”Isay.Shelooksatmewithnarrowedeyes.
“Don’tstart.”
“I’mnotstartinganything,”Isay,playinginnocent.“I’mjusttellingthetruth,girlfriend.”Shetriestohideasmile.
“Girlfriend?”
Ijustnod.
“NowI’mallyours,andyou’reallmine,littlewitch.”
“Ha!”Shesnorts.“Whyareyoualwayssopossessive?”
Islipanarmaroundherwaist,pullinghertome,andsheletsoutagiggle.Icaresshercheek.
“Becausetherearepeoplewhohavetheireyesonyou.”
“Jealous?”Shegivesmeawidesmile.“Youlookcutewhenyou’rejealous.”
ThefirsttimeIeverfeltjealousyinmylifewaswithyou,Ithink.
Raquelsquirmsalittle,lookinguncomfortable.“I’mgoingtothebathroomto…youknow,tocleanmyselfupalittlebit.”
“I’llwaitforyouatthetable.”
Shesmilesandwalksaway.Ileavethecandlelitroomandmakemywaytothetable.ThefirsttogreetmeisGregory.
“Youcameback.”Hegetsuptowhisperinmyear,“Combyourhairalittle,Mr.Obvious.”
Irunmyhandsthroughmyhairquickly,andIwalkovertoMarco.
“Doyouhavecigarettes?”Henods,pullingaboxoutofhispocket.
“Doyouwantone?”
“Yeah.Willyoujoinmeforasmoke?”
“Ofcourse.”Henods.
Wepassthroughthecandlelitroomtogotothebalconyonthatside.IbarelysetfootouttherebeforeI’mrememberingthetimeRaquelleftmeturnedoninthisveryplace.Somuchhashappenedsincethatnight.
Welightourcigarettes.Itakeapuffandblowthesmokeoutintothecoolnightair.Marcorestshisforearmsonthebalconyrailingandfocusesontheview.Silenceisrarebetweenus;it’sawkward,buttheconversationthat’scomingisonewebothknowweshouldbehaving.
“Thereisnoneedtobeataroundthebushbetweenus,”hesayscasually.
“Thisisnotagametome,Marco,”Ibegin,inhalingagain.“Notthistime.”
“Doyoureallylikeher?”
“It’smorethanthat,”Ianswer.
Heburstsoutlaughing.
“Don’tfuckwithme.Areyouinlove?”
“Yes.”
Hegrimaces.“Ithoughtshewasjusttheweirdgirlwhostalkedyou,howthingschange.”
“Marco,I’mserious,she’snotagametome,”Irepeat.“Nogames,nobets,nochallenges.”
Heraisesbothhandsintheair.
“Oh,Igotit,”hesayswithamockingtone.
“Saywhatyouhavetosay.”
“AmIsupposedtolistentoyou?DidyoucarewhenyouscrewedthingsupformewithSamantha?”
“Younevertoldmeyoureallylikedher;thatitwasn’tagame.HowwasIsupposedtoknow?Byreadingyourmind?”
“YouknewhowIfeltabouther!Itshouldn’thavebeennecessarytotellyou.I’vehadfeelingsforhereversincewewerelittle,andyouknewit.”
Iknewthiswouldcomeoutsomeday,butIdidn’texpecttohavethisconversationtoday.
“Ican’tcontrolherfeelings.That’snotonme.”
“ButanyhopeIhadwithherwenttoshitwhenyoustartedfuckingherforpleasure,forfun,foolingher.”
Iputthecigaretteoutinanashtray.
“Ineverwantedtoplaywithher,andyouknowit.”
“Butyoudid,”hereplies.Theangerinhisvoiceisclear.“Youscrewedusbothwithyourdamnselfishness.Youneverthinkofothers.Onlyaboutyourself.”
“Whatdoyouwant?Anapology?”
“Nah,Ijusthopethatnowthatyou’vefoundsomeoneyoureallycareabout,you’lllearn.Ijusthopeyougrowup.HowwouldyoufeelifItookRaquelawayfromyou?Imaginewatchingmeuseherforpleasure,knowingthatyou’retherefeelingathousandthingsforher.”
Justthinkingaboutit,Iclenchmyhandsatmysides.
“Don’teventhinkaboutit.”
“Itfeelshorrible,doesn’tit?I’mgladyoucanputyourselfinmyshoesnow.”Heturnshisbacktome,andsighs.“Relax,I’mnotgoinganywherenearyourwitch,IjustwantedyoutounderstandhowIfelt.”
Swallowingmypride,Ispeak.
“I’msorry.”
Marcolooksatmeagain,surpriseclearonhisface,butIcontinue.
“I’mreallysorry,bro.You’reright.”
“You’veneverapologizedtome.”
“Iknow,”Isigh.“Butnowit’seasiertoadmitmymistakes.Ithinkshemakesmeabetterperson.”
“I’mgladtohearthat.”
“AndSamywillheal,Marco,andyou’llhavethechancetowinherback.”
Heburstsoutlaughing.
“Ihopeso.Fornow,I’llsettleforherglares.”
“So,we’regood?”Iask.
“We’regood.”
Witheverythingclear,webothwalkbackintotheclub.Whenwegettothetable,RaquelislaughingoutloudwithGregory,andSamanthaisstandingwithAndrea,dancingalittletothemusic.ApoloandDanielaareonthedancefloor,doingsomecrazymoves.
ImoveclosertoSamanthatowhisperinherear:“IdareyoutodancewithMarco.”
Shepouts.“Ihateyourchallenges.”
Butshedoesit.We’vealwaysdonethechallengeswesetforourselves.Iwatchthemgotodance,andmyeyesfallonmywitch.Shelookssobeautifullaughing.Hercheeksareflushed;I’venoticedherfaceturnsredwhenshe’shadtoomuchtodrink.Shenoticesmypresenceandhereyeslightup,andsheraisesherhand,beckoningmetoher.
Yes,definitely,beingdestroyedbyherisaprivilege.
FORTY-FOURTheWalkOfShame-RAQUEL–
“Raquel.”Someoneisshakingmyshoulder.“Raquel!”
Beingviolentlyshakenbringsmefromtheworldofunconsciousnessbacktolife.
“Raquel!”Ademandingwhisperreachesmyears,butIdon’twanttoopenmyeyes.“ForGod’ssake,wakeup!”
Iopenoneofmyeyes,closingtheotherasIgetusedtothelight.Afigureisleaningoverme.
“What—”
AhandcoversmymouthandIslowlyblink,tryingtoseewhoisalmostontopofme.
Blackhairfallingacrossherface…
Dani.
“Shhh!Ineedyoutogetupverycarefully,”shewhispers.
Igiveherawhat-the-fuck-is-going-onlook,eventhoughshelooksdesperate.
“I’llexplainlater,butIneedyoutogetupcarefully,andbequiet.”
“Waitasecond.Firstofall,wherethefuckarewe?”
Lastnight…
Mymindflashesthroughaseriesofimagesthataretooembarrassingtorecallinfull:margaritas,vodka,dancingontopoftheclubtable,Gregorystripping,AresandIkissinginfrontofeveryone,andDaniandApologivingeachotherbe-careful-or-else-I-will-fuck-you-tonightglances.
Oh,VirginofAbs,I’mgoingtohell.
Basically,Icommittedtoomanysinsinonenight.Andnotonlythat,wehadtotakeataxitoMarco’shousebecausehiswastheonlyhousewithoutadultsupervision.Morealcohol,morestrippershows,moresmolderinglooksbetweenApoloandDani,andevenmorekissesbetweenmeandAres.
DanireleasesmymouthandIsitup.Mystomachchurnsandmyheadthrobs.
“What’swrong?”Mythroatburns,dryfromsomuchalcohol.
Daniraisesherindexfingertoherlipsandgesturestomyside.Aresissleepingnexttome,lyingonhisstomach,hisheadfacingawayfromus.Thesheetispulleduptoalittleabovehiswaist.He’sshirtless,histattoosvisible,andhismessyblackhairpointseverywhere.
God,wakingupnexttothismanisaprivilege.Imaybespendingallthehappinessofmylifewiththisguy,butit’sworthit.
Danibringsmebacktoreality,shakingherhandinfrontofmyface.
Carefully,Istandup.ThemattresscreaksandwebothlookattheGreekgod,butheisintheafterworld.Igetalittledizzy,andDaniholdsmeup,waitingformetosteadymyself.
Iwon’teverdrinkagain.
Iknow,Isaidthatlasttime.Alcoholislikeanexyouhaven’tgottenover.Youpromisenottofallagain,nevertotryitagain,butitseducesyou,andyouendupbackwhereyoustarted.
IlookfortheshoesIwaswearinglastnight.They’relyinginthecorneroftheroom,andamemorycomestomind:
“Spellme,Witch!”Aresshoutsasweawkwardlyentertheroom.Hegrabsmebythewaisttokissmelightly.Iletoutachuckle.
“Youaresodrunk.”
Helookssocutewithhisredcheeksandnarrowedeyes.Arespointshisfingeratme.
“Youaren’ttheembodimentofsobrietyeither.”
“Wow….Embodiment.Howdoesyourintoxicatedbrainmanagetosaywordslikethat?”Aresgivesmeabigsmile,touchinghisforehead.
“MyIQis…”
“Thehighestinthecounty,”Ifinishforhim.“Smartandhandsome.Whyareyousoperfect?”
Heshrugsandcaressesmycheek.
“Whyareyousoperfect?”
AndIrememberindetaileverythingwedidafterthat.God.
“EarthcallingRaquel!”
Withbloodrushingtomycheeks,Isnapbacktoreality.Danigestureswithherhandformetofollowhertothedoor,andIshakemyhead.
“Ican’tjustwalkawayandleavehimlikethis.”
“Youcanexplaineverythinglaterinatextmessage!”Daniwhispers.“Ineedtogetoutofhere.”
“Don’tyouthinkhe’llfeelalittleused?”
Danigivesmeanare-you-seriouslook.
“You’llexplainlater,let’sgo.”WhenIhesitate,shebegs,“Please.”
“Okay.”Bothofuswithourshoesinhandleavetheroom,closingthedoorcarefullybehindus.“Now,canyouexplaintomewhat’sgoingon?”
Danishakesherhead.“I’llexplainontheway.Bequiet.Therearealotofpeoplesleepingintheserooms.”
Thehallwayislong,withdoorsonbothsides.Iwanttoprotest,butDanistartswalkinginfrontofme.MyeyeslandonthebackofhercostumetopandIseethelabel.Isitonbackward?
Oh,oh,beginner’smistake.
“Dani,didyouhavesexlastnight?”
“Shhh!”Shecoversmymouthandpushesmeagainstthewall.
“OhmyGod,youfuckedApolo,”Iwhisper,becausethisisgold.
“Raquel!”
“Denyit!”
Daniopenshermouthtosaysomethingandclosesitagain.Ican’tcontainmysurprise.
“BytheVirginofAbs,youdid!”
“Firstofall,thatvirgindoesn’texist.”Danifurrowsherbrows.“Andsecondly,shutyourmouth,Raquel.Don’tsayanotherword.”
“Oh,Ididn’texpectthat,”Isay,amused.
Danigrabsmyarm.“Walk.Don’tmakethiswalkofshameanyworsethanitalreadyis,”shesays.
“What?”
Danirollshereyes.
“Thewalkofshame.Youknow,thedayafteryoufucksomeoneyoushouldn’t.There’samovieandeverything.”
Iletoutachuckle.“Iknewit!ItoldyouIgaveyouamonthtofallforhim!”
Danigivesmeamurderouslook.
“Getmoving.It’snineo’clock,andyourmomisoffhershifttodayateleven.”
“Ohshit,youshouldhavestartedthere.”
Weheaddownthehallwaywhenwehearadoorhandleturn.
“Ohshit,shit,shit,”Danimumbles,andwewalkbackandforthwithoutknowingwhattodo,bumpingintoeachotherseveraltimes.Finally,wefreezeandseeSamycomingoutofoneoftheroomsverycarefully,withherheelsinherhandsaswell,andherattitudeverymuchthesameasours.
Don’ttellmethat…
Samyseesusandfreezesforasecond,wavingwithherfreehand.Weapproach,andDanitakesherbythehandsowecanrunawaytogether.
“Noonejudgesanyone,”Danisays.
Whenwegetdownstairs,wefindAndrea.Yes,Gregory’sI-don’t-know-whatiscarefullyopeningthedoor.
“Areyoukiddingme?”sheasks.Dani,Samy,andIsharealookandsmile.
“Thishastobethemostpopularwalkofshameever,”Isay.
Samylaughs.Weleavethehouse,stoppinginthegarden,andSamychecksherphone.It’sdead.
“Cananyonecallataxi?”
Andreasmilesatus.
“Ibroughtmycar.Icandriveallofyou.”
It’saverynicecar,cutesyandsmall.SamygetsinthepassengerseatandDaniandIgetintheback.Andreastartstheconversation.
“Don’tyoufindthissituationkindofweird?”
Samynods.“Toomuch,Iwouldsay.”
“I’msorry,”Iinterject,unabletohelpmyself.“ButIthinkwe’reallcurioustoknowwithwhom…”
Daniagrees.
“Noonejudgesanyone.Let’ssaythenames.”
“Gregory,”Andreasayswithalaugh.
Samyblushes.
“Marco.”
“What?”Isay,surprised.“Ididn’texpectthat.”
Samysighsinresponse.“NeitherdidI.”
Andreanarrowshereyes.“Isnoonesurprisedbymyrevelation?Wasitthatobvious?”
“Yes,”weallsayatthesametime.
“Ouch,”Andreapouts.
“You’reobvious,too,Raquel.Ares,whoelse?”
Istickoutmytongueather,andsheseesmeintherearviewmirrorandgivesmethefinger.Thefactthatwefoundourselvesinsuchanembarrassing,vulnerablesituationhascreatedaniceatmosphereoftrustbetweenus.
Samyturnsslightlytowardthebackseat.
“Andyou,Dani?”
Danilowersherheadand,withherdignityintatters,whispers,“Apolo.”
“What?”SamyandAndrea’sscreamsmakemegrimace.
Itouchmyforehead.“Noscreaming.Hangover.Remember?”
Andreastopsataredlight.
“Ididn’texpectthat.”
“Iknow,Ifuckedsomeoneyoungerthanme,”Danisays,runningherhandoverherface.Andrealooksatherlikeshe’scrazy.
“No,notbecauseofthat,butbecauseIdidn’tknowyoukneweachothersowell.”
Samynods.
“Don’ttellmeyou’refeelingbadaboutyourage,Daniela,”Samysays.TheguiltonDani’sfaceisobvious.“Apoloismuchmorematurethanalotofguysourage.”
I’mgladthatSamythinkslikeme.
“That’swhatItoldher,”Isay.“She’sparanoidaboutit,andwhatpeoplewillsay.”
SamygivesheracomfortingsmileandreachesouttosqueezeDani’shand.
“Don’tgiveyourselfahardtime,Daniela.Okay?”
Andreacrossesthemainavenue.
“I’msorrytointerrupttheromance,butdoyoumindifIstopbythepharmacy?Myheadiskillingme,Ineedsomethingforthepain.”
“IneedaGatoradetohydrate,”Samywhispers.
“Didyoulosealotoffluidslastnight?”Danijokes,andweallgrimace.
“Dani!”
Andreaparkshercaratthepharmacy,andweletoutalongsigh.Ihaveafeelingthisisthebeginningofnewfriendships.Afterall,thereisnobetterwaytostartabondoftrustthanbyhydratinganddealingwithoneoftheworsthangoversofourlives.FORTY-FIVETheUsedOnes-ARES–
WakingupandstretchingmyarmacrossanemptybedisnotwhatIexpected.Withmyheadspinning,Igetup,staggeringtothebathroom,andlookaround.Nothing.InoticeRaquel’sclothesarenowheretobefound,andIrealizeshe’sgone.
Didthewitchusemeandleave?
Ican’tbelieveit.ThisgoesonthelonglistoffirsttimeswithRaquel.Nogirlhaseverdisappearedthenextmorningafteranightofsex.That’salwaysbeenmyrole.
Shekeepsstealingmythunder.
Butwhydidsheleave?Ididn’tdoanythingwronglastnight,didI?Irunmyhandovermyface,rememberingeverythingwedidlastnight.God,thatqualifiesasthebestsexI’veeverhadinmylife.Thiswomandrivesmecrazy.Igrinlikeafool,whileassessingtheonlyclothesIhave:theGreekgodcostume.Ah,Idon’tthinkso,there’snowayI’mgoingoutlikethis.Ilookforclothesintheclosetoftheguestroom.SincethisisMarco’splaceandhe’susedtousstayingherefromtimetotime,thereareusuallyextraclothesfortheguests.
Afterchangingintoshortsandawhitesweatshirt,Iwalkdownstairstothelivingroom,whereIamconfrontedwithascenethatlookslikesomethingoutofTheHangover.
Gregoryislyingonthecouch,withanicepackonhisforehead.Apoloissittingonthefloorwithhisbackagainstthebottomofthecouchandabucketnexttohim,lookingpale.Marcositsonthecouchwithanicepackonhis…
Marcoisthefirsttonoticeme.
“Don’tevensayit.”
Ican’thelpbutlaugh.
“Whatthefuck?”
“I’mdying.”Gregorygrunts.MyeyesarestillonMarco.
“Whathappenedtoyou?”
Marcorollshiseyes.
“Whatpartof‘don’tevensayit’didn’tyouunderstand?Justforgetit.”
“It’shardtoforgetthatwhenyou’reholdinganicepackoveryourpenis.”
Apolosnorts.“Whyareyousoraw,Ares?”
Isitattheendofthecouch,atGregory’sfeet,andlookatMarcoagain.
“Didyoubreakit?”
Marcogivesmeamurderouslook.
“No,just…IthinkIhavefrictionburns.”
Iletoutalaugh.
“Shit,bro,andIthoughtIhadawildnight.”
Gregorylaughswithme.
“Me,too,butno,itseemsthatMarcowasfuckedlikeanoldTV.”
GregoryandIjumpinatthesametime:“Withnocontrol.”
Marcopresseshislipstogether.
“Ha-ha,sofunny.”
Apolochuckles.
“Thatwasagoodone.”
ApoloandIgohomeandwalkstraightintothekitchen,stillweakanddizzy.Weneedfluids,food,andagoodshower.Apolocollapsesatthekitchentable,hischeekrestingthere.Ijustgrabtwoenergydrinksfromthefridgeandsetthemonthetable,sittingontheotherside.IknowApolodidhisthinglastnight,andI’mcurious.Henoticesmestaringathim.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
“Isaidnothing.”
“You’rethinkingaboutit.”
Itakeasipofmydrink.
“You’reimaginingthings.”
Claudiacomesintothekitchenandofferstomakeussomesoup.Apolosayshe’stiredandgoestohisroom,butItakeheruponit.It’smyturntorestmyfaceonthetable,whileIwaitforClaudiatogeteverythingready.BeforeIknowit,I’masleep.Akicktomykneewakesmeup,andIblinkandmovequickly,causingastabbingpaintocrossmyneck.WhenIraisemyhead,Icanfeelthemarksofthewoodentableedgesonmycheek.Istraighteninmychair,andmyeyesmeetacoldstare.
Artemisissittingacrossfromme,withasteamingcupofcoffeeinfrontofhim.He’sdressedinhisblackworkoutsweatshirt,andhishairisslightlydampwithsweat.Istilldon’tunderstandhowhecangetuponaSundaytoworkout.But,well,therearealotofthingsIdon’tunderstandaboutmybigbrother.Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischest
“Roughnight?”
“Youhavenoidea,”Isay.
Claudiaseesmeandmovesaroundthestove.“Oh,youwokeup;thesoupisready.”
“Thankyou,”Isayinarelievedtone.“You’resavingalife.”
Shesmilesatme.
“Don’tgetusedtoit.”Shepoursthesoup,andthesimplesmellemanatingfromitmakesmefeelbetter.Artemistakesasipofhiscoffee,andI’mabouttotakeaspoonfulofsoupwhenhespeaks.
“Don’tletApolodrinktoomuch.It’sabadhabittolearnsoyoung.”
“Iknow,itwasaone-daything.”Iraisemyspoon,butArtemisspeaksagain.“Yourhighschoolcounselortoldmethatyouhaven’tappliedforbusinessschoolyet.”Iputthespoononthesideoftheplate.
“We’renotevenhalfwaythroughtheschoolyear.”
“Bettersoonerthanlater.Doyouhaveoneinmind?”heasks.Iclenchmyjaw.“ItshouldbeeasyforyoutogetintoPrinceton.DadandIbothgraduatedthere,andyou’dbealegacytogetin.”
Oh,theIvyLeague,themostprestigious,exclusive,andwell-knownuniversitiesintheUnitedStates.Theselectionprocessisevenmorerigorousthanforotheruniversities.Notonlydoyouhavetohaveexcellentgrades,butalsoalotofmoney,andthentherearethewell-known“legacy”admissions:ifyourparentsorclosefamilygraduatedfromoneoftheseuniversities,you’repracticallyin.
Don’tgetmewrong,I’minterestedinapplyingtoIvyLeagueschools,butnotforthecareermybrotherhasinmind.Claudiagivesmeasympatheticlookandcontinuescooking.Ismydiscomfortwiththissubjectsoobvious?Artemisdoesn’tseemtowanttoshutup.
“Haveyouthoughtaboutwhichbranchyou’llchoose?Businessorlegal?Itwouldhelpmealotifyougoforbusiness.We’rethinkingofopeninganotherbranchofficeinthesouth.Constructionhasjuststarted,anditwouldbeidealifyoucouldmanageitwhenyougraduate.”
Idonotwanttostudybusiness.
Iwanttostudymedicine.
Iwanttosavelives.
IwanttohavetheknowledgetogivethebestcaretomygrandpaandtothepeopleIcareabout.
Ithinkallthosethings,butIdon’tsaythem,becauseIknowthatthemomentthewordscomeoutofmylips,mybrotherwillloseallrespectforme.Abandoningthefamilylegacyfeelslikeabetrayal.Whatgoodwouldadoctordoinasuccessfultransnationalcorporation?
I’velackedfornothingmyentirelife,butIhaven’thadtoworkforanyofit.Legacyhasaverysweetside,butpeoplearewrongiftheythinkthere’snopricetopay.Peopledon’tseethepressureofwhatyou’resupposedtobe,thelonelymeals,howharditistomakearealfriendorearngenuineaffection.Ithoughtmylifewouldbestuckinthatrutuntilithappened:Raquelsawme.
AndI’mnottalkingaboutherlookingatme.Shelookedrightthroughme.Shecametomewithsuchpurefeelings,withsuchabeautiful,easy-to-readface,thatitleftmespeechless.Raquelhasalwaysbeensotrueandtransparentinherreactions.Ididn’tthinkpeoplelikethatexisted.
She,whodoesn’tevenknowhowprettysheis,toldmesoconfidentlythatIwasgoingtofallinlovewithher.She,whoworkedhardtobuythethingsshewanted,hasalwaysbeenlonelybecauseofherdad’sabsenceandhermom’sjob.She,whohasbeenthroughsomuchshitwithme…
She’sstillsmilingwithallherheart.
Andit’sasmilethatdisarmsmeandmakesmebelievethateverythingispossible.AndthatIwillbeagreatdoctorsomeday.Maybenooneinmyfamilysupportsmeorbelievesinme,butshedoes.
Andthat’smorethanenough.FORTY-SIXTheForgiveness-RAQUEL–NewYear’sEve
Timefliesby.
AfterHalloween,AresandIhungoutseveraltimesaweekbeforehewentonaThanksgivingtripwithhisfamily.ThemoretimeIspentwithhim,themoreIgottoknowhim.Iwasabletocatchthoselittlethings,likewhataperfectionistheiswheneverhedoessomethingforschool,orhowresponsibleheiswithhissoccerteam,neveroncemissingpracticeandalwaysgivinghisbest.Areshasamazingdiscipline,andit’skindofrubbingoffonme.NotthatI’mundisciplined,butIcoulddefinitelyworkonbeingontopofthingslikeheis.
AndwhatbetterexampleistherethanwhatI’mdoingrightnow:tryingtowriteanessayIshouldhavesubmittedbeforeChristmasbreak.Myliteratureteachergavemeextratimetoworkonit;however,it’snotcomingalongwell.Yoshiusedtobetheonehelpingmewithessays.God,Imisshim.Theworstpartisthatfromallthetopicsoffered,Ichosetowriteonforgiveness.I’manidiot.IstarttypingontheNotesapponmyphone:
I’msorry…
Forgiveme…
Inevermeanttohurtyou.
Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.
Askingforforgivenesscanbesodifficult.Itrequiresmaturityandcourage.Admittingthatyouwerewrongmeansfacingyourself.Itmeansfacingthefactthatyouarenotperfectandneverwillbe,andthatyouarecapableofmakingmistakeslikeeveryoneelse.
Tomakemistakesispartofbeinghuman,toadmitthemispartofbeingbrave
Theworstmistakesarethosethatyoucan’terase.Nomatterifsomeoneapologizes,nomatterhowmuchtheydo,itleavesascaronyourheart.Scarsthatstillhurtwhenyourememberthem.
IstopbecauseI’mgettingemotional.NewYear’sEvehasawayofmakingmefeelsensitive,ofmakingmereflectoneverythingI’vedone,andwhatIhaven’t.I’vebeenthroughsomuchthisyear,andthelastsixmonthshavebeenarollercoasterofemotionsforme.
“Putthephoneaway,”mymomdemandswithasigh.
Theclockshows11:55p.m.Myeyesfillwithtears,anditdoesn’tsurpriseanyone.I’vealwayscriedwhenmidnightapproachesonNewYear’sEve,whetheroutofsadness,joy,nostalgia,oracombinationofemotionsthatevenIcan’tfigureout.
Mymotherputsherarmovermyshouldertohugmesideways.We’resittingonthecouchatherclosestfriend’shouse.Helenahasalargefamily,andwealwaysspendNewYear’sEvewiththem.Iguessmymotherhasneverlikedtheideaofusspendingitalone,andneitherdoI.Mymothercaressesmyarm,restingherchinonmyhead.
“Onemoreyear,baby.”
“Onemoreyear,Mommy.”
Helenaappearsinfrontofus,holdingherthree-year-oldgrandsoninherarms.
“Comeon,standup,it’stimeforthecount.”
Thereareaboutfifteenpeopleinthissmallroom.ThehostontheTVscreenstartscountingbackward.
Ten…
Dani’slaughter…
Nine…
Carlos’sfoolishness…
Eight…
Yoshi’snerdyarguments…
Seven…
Apolo’sinnocence…
Six…
Mymother’sdisappointment…
Five…
Ares’shurtfulwords…
Four…
Ares’ssweetwords…
Three…
Hisbeautifulsmilewhenhewakesup…
Two…
Thedeepblueofhiseyes…
One…
Iloveyou,Witch.
“HappyNewYear!”
Everyoneisshouting,hugging,celebrating,andIcan’thelpbutsmile,eventhoughthicktearsarestreamingdownmycheeks.
ImissAresalot.He’sspendingChristmasandNewYear’sonanexoticbeachinGreecebecause,apparently,theyhavefamilythere.Icouldn’thelpteasinghimabouttheGreekgodsgoingtoGreece.AresaskedmeoverandoveragainifIwantedhimtostay,buthowcouldIallowmyselftotaketimewithhisfamilyawayfromhim?I’mnotthatselfish
Mymotherhugsme,bringingmebacktoreality.
“HappyNewYear,beautiful!Iloveyousomuch.”Ireturnthehug.Ourrelationshipisstillabitbroken,butwe’reworkingonit.Ofcourse,Ihaven’ttoldheryetthatAresandIaredating.I’mtakingitonestepatatime.ArescalledmehoursagotowishmeahappyNewYear,thetimedifferencetakingitstoll.
Afterafewhugs,Isitonthecouch.Ihavenothingtodo—therealityofittakesmebysurprise.Afterwelcomingtheyear,Joshuawouldalwayscomeforme,andwewouldgooutandwishhappyNewYearalloverthestreets,witheveryoneawakeandcelebrating.IglanceatmyphoneattheopenednoteonforgivenessthatIhaven’tfinished.
Joshuahasalwaysbeenbymyside,andtheselastfewmonthshavebeenhardwithouthimbecausewehavesomanyofourowntraditions.Weusedtogoouttoplayinthefirstsnowfalloftheyear,welcomethekidsinscarycostumesonHalloween,havemarathonsofourfavoriteseries,andbuydifferentbookssothatwhenweweredonereadingthem,wecouldexchangethem.Wehadboardgamenightsandbonfireswithhorrorstoriesnexttomyhouse.Weevensettheyardonfireonce,andMomalmostkilledus.
Ismileatthememory.
WhatamIdoing?
Imaynotbeabletotrusthimsoeasily,butIcanforgivehim.There’snoroominmyheartforagrudge.
Withoutmuchthought,Igrabmycoatandfollowmyheart.IrunoutofHelena’shouseandthecoldofthenewlyarrivedwinterhitsme,butIrundownthesidewalk,wavingandwishinghappyNewYeartoeveryoneImeetalongtheway.Christmaslightsdecoratethestreetandthetreesinthegardensinfrontofthehouses.Therearechildrenplayingwithsparklersandothersmakingsnowballstothrow.Theviewisbeautiful,andIrealizethatsometimeswegetsofocusedonourproblemsthatwedon’tseethebeautyofsimplethings.
Huggingmyself,Istartwalkingfaster.Ican’trunthroughthesnow,Idon’twanttoslipandbreakanybones;thatwouldbepathetic.MyfootgetsburiedinapileofsnowandIshakeitofftocontinue,butwhenIlookup,Ifreeze
Joshua.
Withhislongblackcoat,ablackcap,andhisglassesslightlyfoggedbythecold.Isaynothingandjustruntohim,forgettingthesnow,theproblems,theemotionalscars,Ijustwanttohughim.
AndIdo,linkingmyhandsaroundhisneckandpullinghimtightagainstme.Ismellthescentofthatsoftcolognehealwayswears,anditfillsmeandsoothesme.
“HappyNewYear,youidiot,”Igrowlagainsthisneck.Helaughs.
“HappyNewYear,Rochi.”
“Imissyousomuch,”Imurmur.
Hepressesmeagainsthischest.
“Imissyoutoo.Youhavenoidea.”
No.
That’snotwhathappened.
NomatterhowmuchIwishedthathadhappened,itwon’tchangethereality.
Realityismerunningthroughthesnowwithtearsonmycheeks,withnocoat,andclutchingmycellphonesotightlyinmyhandthatitmightbreak.Mylungsburnfromthecoldair,butIdon’tcare.Mymotherrunsafterme,yellingatmetocalmdown,tostop,toputonmycoat,butIdon’tcare.
Ican’tbreatheproperly.
IstillrememberhowquicklymysmilefadedwhenIgotthecall.Joshua’smothersoundedinconsolable.
“Joshua…attempted…suicide.”
Theydidn’tknowifhewasgoingtosurvive,hispulsewassoweak.
No,no,no.Joshua,no.
Everythingbeginstoflashbeforemyeyes.WhatdidIdowrong?WheredidIfail?Why,Joshua?Guiltwasthefirstfeelingtofillmyheart.Ithadnever,evercrossedmymindthathecoulddosomethinglikethis.Hedidn’tlookdepressed,hedidn’t…I…
Arrivingathishouse,theambulancespeedspastme,andIfalltomykneesinthesnow.Joshua’sneighborscomeoverandputacoatoverme.Iclutchmychest,breathingheavily.Mymotherhugsmefrombehind.
“It’sokay,sweetie.It’sokay,he’llbeokay.”
“Mommy,I….It’smyfault….Istoppedtalkingtohim….He…”Ican’tbreathe,andIcan’tstopcrying.
Thetaxiridetothehospitalissilent,exceptforthesoundofmysobs.Withmyheadonmymother’slap,Ipray.Ipraythathesurvives.Thisisnotsupposedtohappen.Thisisanightmare.Mybestfriendcouldn’thavedonethat,myYoshi…
Arrivingattheemergencyroom,Irunovertohisparents.Theylookdevastated.Theireyesareswollen,andthepainisevidentontheirfaces.Assoonastheyseeme,theyburstintotears.Ijointhem,huggingthem.
Wipingawaymytears,Isoftlypushaway.
“Whathappened?”
Hismothershakesherhead.
“AfterseeingintheNewYear,hewenttohisroom.Wetriedcallinghim,buthedidn’tanswer.Ithoughthehadfallenasleepandwenttosee.”Hervoicebreaks,thepainclearonherface.“Hetooksomanypills.Hewassopale.Mybaby.”Herhusbandhugsher.“Mybabylookeddead.”
Theagonyandpainreflectedintheirfacesaresohardtosee.Icanfeeltheirdespairandguilt.Wheredidwefail?Whatdidn’twesee?Maybeeverythingormaybenothing.Joshuamighthavegivenussigns,orhemighthavegivenusnothing,butstillthisfeelingofguilt,offailinghim,eatsawayatusall.
Suicide…
Analmosttabooword.Onethatnobodymentionsandnoonelikestotalkabout.It’snotpleasant,muchlesscomfortable,buttherealityisthatitdoeshappen,thattherearepeopleouttherestrugglingwhoneedhelp.AndIwasnaiveenoughtothinkthatitonlyhappenedtootherpeople,thatitwouldneverhappentosomeoneclosetome.
IneversuspectedthatJoshuawoulddosomethinglikethis.
Please,Joshua,don’tdie,Ibeg,closingmyeyes.I’mhere,I’llneverleave,Ipromise.Pleasedon’tgo,Yoshi.
Minutespass,hours,Ilosetrackoftime.Thedoctorcomesout,withafacethatmakesmyheartclenchinmychest.
Please…
Thedoctorsighs.
“Hewasverylucky.Wepumpedhisstomach,andhe’sveryweakbutstable.”
Relieffloodsthroughmybody.Ifitwasn’tformymotherholdingmeup,Iwouldcollapsetotheground.Thedoctortalksaboutreferringhimtoapsychiatristandalotofotherthings,butIjustwanttoseeYoshiandmakesurethathe’sokayandthathe’snotgoinganywhere.Ineedtotalktohimandconvincehimthathecanneverdoanythinglikethatagain,andtoapologizeforpushinghimaway,andfornottryingtomakethingsrightbetweenus.
MaybeifIhadbeen…hewouldn’thave…
Maybe.
ThedoctortellsusthatJoshuawillbeunconsciousfortherestofthenight,andthatwecangorestandcomebackinthemorning,butnoneofusmove.Mymothergetsusanemptyroomwherewecanrest.Thisisherhospital,andeveryoneknowsandrespectsher.She’soneofthelongest-servingnursesintheplace
MymothercaressesmyhairasIrestmyheadonherlap.
“Itoldyouhe’dbeokay,baby.It’sgoingtobeallright.”
“Ifeelsoguilty.”
“Itwasn’tyourfault,Raquel.Blamingyourselfwon’tdoyouanygood,nowyoujusthavetobethereforhim,tohelphimgetthroughthis.”
“IfIhadn’tpushedhimaway,maybe—”
“Raquel,peoplewithdepressiondon’talwaysshowwhattheyfeel.”Mymotherinterruptsme.“Theycanappearhappyeveniftheyaren’twell.It’sverydifficulttohelpthemiftheydon’taskforhelp,andsometimesforthemaskingforhelpmakesnosensebecauselifehaslostmeaning.”
Idon’tsayanything.Ijuststareatawindowinthedistance,watchingthesnowflakesfall.Mymothercaressesmycheek.
“Getsomesleep.Rest.It’sbeenahardnight.”
Myeyesburnfromcryingsomuch.Iclosethemtotrytosleepalittle,toforget,toforgivemyself.
“You’regoingtofall!”alittleJoshuayellsatmefrombelowasIclimbatree.Istickmytongueout.
“You’rejustupsetbecauseyoucan’tcatchme,”Isay.Joshuacrosseshisarms
“Ofcoursenot.Besides,wesaidthetreesweren’tallowed,youcheater.”
“Cheater?”Ithrowabranchathim.Hedodgesit.
“Hey!”Hegivesmeamurderouslook.“Okay,truce,comedown,andwe’llcontinuethegamelater.”
Carefully,Iclimbdownthetree.WhenI’mstandingontheground,Joshuatouchesmeandrunsaway.
“Gotyou!It’syourturntocatchme.”
“Hey,that’scheating.”
Heignoresmeandkeepsrunning,andIhavenochoicebuttochasehim.
Asqueezeonmyshoulderswakesmeup,endingthatpleasantdream,fullofgamesandinnocence.Mymotherrubsmyarmandoffersmeacoffeewithherotherhand.
Caramelmacchiato,myfavorite.
ItremindsmeofAresandourfirstdateatthehospital.Ihaven’tdaredtocallhim,tosayanythingtohim,becauseIknowhe’llcomerunning,andIdon’twanttoruinhisNewYear.Iknowthat’stheleastofitrightnow,butIdon’twanttoinvolveanyoneelseinthispainfulsituation.
“He’sawake;hisparentshavejustbeentoseehim.Doyouwanttogoin?”
Myheartclenches,andmychestburns.
“Yes.”
“Youcandoit,Raquel.”
Myhandshakesonthedoorhandle,butIturnit,andstepinside.MyeyesarefixedonthefloorasIclosethedoorbehindme.WhenIlookup,Icovermymouthtostiflemysobs.
Joshuaislyingonwhitesheets,anIVhookeduptohisrightarm.Helookssopaleandfragile,likehecouldbreakatanymoment.Hishoney-coloredeyesmeetmineandimmediatelyfillwithtears.Withbigsteps,Iapproachhimandhughimgently.
“Youidiot!Iloveyouvery,verymuch.”Iburymyfaceinhisneck.“I’msosorry,pleaseforgiveme.”
Whenweseparate,Joshuaavertshisgaze,wipingawayhistears.
“Ihavenothingtoforgiveyoufor.”
“Joshua,I…”
“Idon’twantyourpity.Idon’twantyoutofeelobligatedtobebymysidejustbecausethishappened.”
“Whatareyou…?”
“Itwasmydecision.Ithasnothingtodowithyouoranyoneelse.”
Istepback,staringathim,buthedoesn’tlookatme.
“No,you’renotgoingtodothis.”
“Dowhat?”
“Pushmeaway,”Istate.“I’mnothereoutofobligation.I’mherebecauseIloveyou,andyes,I’msorryIdidn’ttalktoyoubeforetotrytofixthings,butIhadalreadydecidedtolookforyoubeforethishappened,Iswear.”
“Iamnotaskingforanythingfromyou.”
“ButIwanttoexplain,IwantyoutoknowhowmuchI’vemissedyou.HowmuchIcareaboutyou.”
“SoIwon’tattemptsuicideagain?”
Wherehadthatbitternessinhisvoicecomefrom?Thatdisinterestinlife?Haditalwaysbeenthere?Iremembermymother’swords:askingforhelpmakesnosensebecauselifehaslostmeaning.Maybenothingmatteredtohimanymore.
Iapproachhim.
“Yoshi.”Ipause,noticinghowhetensesathisnickname.“Lookatme.”
Heshakeshishead,andItakehisfaceinmyhands.“Lookatme!”
Hiseyesmeetmine,andtheemotionsIseeinthembreakmyheart:despair,pain,loneliness,sadness,fear…lotsoffear.Tearscometomyeyesagain.
“Iknowitallseemsmeaninglessnow,butyou’renotalone.Therearesomanypeoplewholoveyou,andwe’reheretobreatheforyouwhenyouneedit.”Tearsrolldownmycheeks,fallingfrommychin.“Pleaseletushelpyou.Ipromiseyouthiswillpass,andyou’llgobacktoenjoyinglifejustlikethatcheatingkidIplayedwithwhenIwaslittle.”
Joshua’slowerlipshakes.Therearetearsescapinghiseyes.
“Iwassoscared,Raquel.”
Hehugsme,buryinghisfaceinmychestashecrieslikeachild,andIcanonlycrywithhim.
He’sgoingtobefine.Ihavenoideahowtomakehimfallinlovewithlifeagain,butIwillbreatheforhimforaslongasittakes.FORTY-SEVENTheHidalgos-ARES–
TheblazingGreeksunburnsmyskinandforcesmetohidebehindsunglasses.Theweatherisn’tcoldlikebackhome,butit’snothoteither;it’ssomewhereinthemiddle.I’vebeenenjoyingitsincewearrived.
I’mlyingonachairinfrontoftheresort’scrystal-clearheatedpool.Theviewisrelaxing.Youcanseethewholecoastlineandthebeachbeyondthepool.Forme,Greecehasalwayshadanairofantiquity,ofhistory,thatgivesyouastrangefeelingbutinagoodway.
Mygrandpaislyingnexttome,andClaudiaisstandingnexttohim,pickinguphismedicinesfromatableunderanumbrella.She’swearingaredbathingdressthatmatchesherhairandasee-throughdressthatbarelycoversher.
“IthinkI’vehadenough,”Grandpasays,gruntingandstartingtogetup.ClaudiaandImovetohelphim,butGrandpagentlyloosensmygriponhisarm.
“Ares,son,Icanstillwalkalone,”hetellsme.
Iraisemyhandsintheair.
“Igotit.”Iwatchthemcrosstotheglassdoors,andthesoundofatextnotificationcatchesmyattention.Igrabmyphone,butthere’snothing.Ihaven’theardfromRaquelinhours.Andshit,I’msooutoffocus.
IcalledhertowishherhappyNewYearwhenmidnightarrivedinGreece,butafterthatIhaven’theardfromher,notevenwhenmidnightarrivedinNorthCarolina.I’vesenthermessagesandI’vecalledher,butthere’snoanswer.Isshestillasleep?Eventhoughit’salreadythreeo’clockintheafternoonhere,it’sstillearlyinthemorningthere.
Anothernotificationsounds,butmycellphoneisinmyhand,soIknowit’snotmine.It’sApolo’sphoneonthechairnexttome.He’sinthepoolswimming,whichhasalwaysbeenhisthingsincehewaslittle.Istareathisphonescreen,amazedatthenumberofnotificationshe’sreceivedfromFacebook.He’sneverbeenveryactiveonit,butthenotificationsaren’tstopping.Iwalktotheedgeofthepoolwithatowelandhiscellphone,bendingdowntopassthemtoApoloasheemergesfromthewater,shakingouthishair.
“Yourcellphoneisgoingtoexplode,”Isay.Apologivesmeaconfusedlook.
“Mycellphone?”
“SincewhenhaveyoubeensoactiveonFacebook?”
“I’mnot.”Apolositsontheedgeofthepool,putsthetowelaroundhisshoulders,andshakesthewateroffhishandbeforegrabbinghisphone.IsitnexttohimbecauseIhavenothingbettertodonowthatthewitchisignoringme.Apolomoveshisfingeroverthescreenofhisphone,andIseehisexpressionofconfusiongrowing.
“Ohshit.”
“What’swrong?”Iask.Asifmycellphonewantedtorespond,thebombardmentofnotificationsstartsonmineaswell.I’mabouttocheckwhenArtemismaterializesbesideus.Hedoesn’tlookatallcheerful,hoveringoverus,andhe’sholdinghiscellphoneinhishand.
“Apolo.”Artemisgrunts,andIseemyyoungerbrotherlowerhishead.“Whydidyouuploadthatpicturewithoutpermission?”
Istareatbothofthem.“Whichphoto?”
“Ididn’tthinkthiswouldhappen.IonlyhaveacquaintancesonmyFacebook,”Apoloexplains,butIstilldon’tunderstand.
“Cansomeoneexplaintomewhat’sgoingon?”
Artemisbendsandputshisphonescreeninfrontofmyface,showingmethepicturewetookthatmorningofthethreeofusbythepoolinshortsandsunglasses,allofusshirtless.Thatwe’rerelatedisobvious,andI’mnotashamedtosaywelookgreat.
“SomeonestoleApolo’sFacebookphotoandposteditonaFacebookpagecalled‘HotGuys,’”Artemisexplains.
“Thephotowentviralandhasatonoflikes,”Apolosays,soundinggenuinelysurprised.“Andthecommentsarestill—”
“Inthecommentsallthosewomenplannedtofindus,”Artemisinterjects,givingApoloamurderouslook.“SomehowtheydidbecauseIhaveovertwothousandfriendrequestsandcounting.”
Checkingmyphone,IrealizethatIhavealotoffriendrequestsandprivatemessagesfromstrangerstoo.
“Relax,Artemis,”Isay,tryingtocalmhimdown.“It’sanuisance,butlookonthebrightside,freepublicityfortheHidalgoCompany.”
Artemisgivesusonelastglarebeforegoingtolieonhischair.Hestilldoesn’tlookhappy,but,well,happyhasneverbeenhisstrongsuiteither.
“Didyoureadthecomments?”Apoloasks,absorbedbyhiscellphone.Filledwithcuriosity,Iopenthepostandstartscrolling.Ihavetostopbecausethecommentsaregettingdirtieranddirtier.Wow,it’samazingwhatpeoplecansaywithoutevenknowingus.
Ifeelmyselfbeingstaredat,soIlookupandmeetapairofveryprettygrayeyesacrossthepool.Ablack-hairedgirlandherblondfriendhavejuststeppedintothewaterontheotherside.It’snotthefirsttimeI’veseenthemsincewearrivedattheresorttwoweeksago.Apolofollowsmygaze.
“Thegirlwhochasesyou,huh?”
“Shedoesn’tchaseme.”
“Youknowit’strue,evenI’venoticedit.”Apolotakesalookather.“She’sveryexotic,yourtype.”
Irunmyhandthroughmyhair.Mytype?Yes,he’sright,thatusedtobemytype:girlswithdarkhairandlighteyes.Butsomehow,Iendedupfallinginlovewithagirlwhohasneitherofthosethings.Howironicislife?
“Idon’thaveatypeanymore.There’sonlyher.”
Apologivesmeabigsmile.
“I’mproudofyou.”
“AndI’mproudofyou,mybrotherwhoisnolongeravirgin,”Itease.
“Don’tstart.”
“Ah,comeon,it’snormaltobecurious.Myfirsttimewasadisaster.”
“Liar.”
“Iswear,ittookmelikefiveminutestoputonthecondom,”Isay.
Apologrimacesindiscomfort.
“Toomuchinformation,Ares.”
“Alwaysremembertowearprotection.”
“Ares!”
“What?”Iaskinnocently.
Atthatmomentmymotherwalksover.Iexpecthertosaythatit’stimetoeatasafamily,butshestandswithhermouthopen,checkingsomethingonherphone.
“WeareatrendingtopiconTwitter,”shesays.
Artemisthrowshisheadback,grunting.Heturnsinhischair.
“Don’ttellmethisisaboutthephoto,”hegroans.Mymothershowsusherphone.
“Look,thehashtagHidalgoisinthetopten.”
Socialnetworkswillneverceasetoamazeme.
“Whichphoto?”Claudiaasks,furrowingherbrows.
Apolositsdownonhischair,takingapieceofpineapple.
“Rememberthepictureyoutookofusthismorning?”Claudianods.Apolochewsforasecondandsays,“Itwentviral.”
Mymothergiveshimagrimaceofdisgust.
“Don’tchewandtalk,Apolo,howrude.”
Isitdownandcheckmyphoneagain.Istilldon’thaveamessagefromthewitch.
Whereareyou,Raquel?
Don’tyoumissme?
BecauseI’mdyingtotalktoyou.
Iopenmyconversationwithher,andInoticeshehasn’tseenmymessagesyet.Myphoneringsinmyhands,butmyexcitementfadeswhenIseeit’sSamantha.Imoveawayfromthetabletoanswer.
“Hello?”
“Oh,happyNewYear,Ares.”
Hervoicesoundsself-conscious,something’snotright.
“What’swrong?”Iask.
Shehesitatesontheotherendoftheline.
“Somethinghappened,Ares.”FORTY-EIGHTTheGifts-RAQUEL–
Medication…
Therapysessions…
Psychiatricconsultations…
AndalotofotherthingsrelatedtoJoshua’sconditionareallIheardinthehospitalasthedaywenton.Idon’tknowifit’sfromtirednessorlackofsleep,butitwashardformetopayattention,letaloneunderstandwhattheyweretalkingabout.
MymotherpracticallydraggedmeoutofthebuildingwhentheclockhitmidnightagainbecauseIhadofficiallyspenttwenty-fourhoursthere.ShesaidIneededtorest.DaniarrivedtokeepJoshuacompanyinmyplacesohisparentscouldresttoo.Theyweredevastated.Aftercryingonmybestfriend’sshoulderforawhile,Isaidgood-byetoJoshuaandleft.
ThisisnothowIimaginedstartingthenewyear.Apparently,lifelikestohituswhenweleastexpectittoseehowlongwecanholdon.IfeellikeI’vebeenpunchedinthestomachandleftwithoutair,eventhoughI’mbreathing.Mymindkeepstryingtounderstand,tolookforreasons,topointfingers,toblamemyself.IstillremembermyconversationwithJoshuabeforeIleft:
“Iknowyouwanttoask,sojustdoit.”
Joshuasmilesatme.
“It’sokay,”hesays.
Irubmyarmsinanattempttobuytimetochoosemywordscarefully.
“Why?Whydidyoudoit?”Iask.
Joshualooksaway,sighing.
“Youwouldn’tunderstand,”hesays.
Isitdownonthehospitalbednexttohim.
“I’lltrytounderstand,”Isayquietly.
Helooksatmeagain.
“Givemetime,Ipromisetotellyou,butrightnowI…can’t.”
Iputmyhandonhisshoulderandgivehimareassuringsmile.
“Allright,I’llbepatient,”Itellhim.
Heplaceshishandovermine.
“I’vemissedyousomuch.”
“Me,too,Yoshi.I…I’msorry.”
“Shhh.”Hegrabsmycheekgently,forcingmetolookathim.“Youdon’thavetoapologize,Rochi.”Histhumbcaressesmyskin.
“But…”
Histhumbmovestohoverovermylips.
“No,stop.”
Thetouchofhisfingeragainstmylipstickles.
“Okay.”
“Nowgohomeandrest.”Helowershishandandsitsup,givingmeakissonmyforehead,thenliesbackdown.“Go,I’llbefinewithMedusa.”
Ilaughalittle.“Don’tcallherthatoryou’regoingtohaveaverylongnight.”
Joshuashrugs.
“It’sworthit.It’sthemostappropriatenicknameIcouldthinkof.”
Danicomesin,mutteringsomethingaboutthequalityofthehospital’scoffee,andfindsusgrinninglikeidiots.Sheraisesaneyebrow.
“What?Wereyoutalkingaboutme?”
“Nope,”wesayatthesametime.AndIleavethem,fightingovernicknamesandnonsenseasusual.
Iarrivehometoanempty,silenthouse.Iclosethedoorbehindmeandrestmybackagainstit,playingwiththekeysinmyhands.IslidedownagainstthedooruntilIfindmyselfsittingonthefloor.Ipullmykneesuptomychest.IknowIneedtobatheandsleep,butIcan’tfindtheenergytodoit.Ijustwanttostayhere.
Itakemycellphoneoutofmypocketandlookatthedarkscreen.ItranoutofbatteryafewhoursafterIarrivedatthehospital,andIwonderifAreshassentmeanymessages.Maybehe’stoobusycelebratingNewYear’swithhisfamilytonoticemylackoftexts,andIcan’tblamehim.Ihaven’ttoldhimwhathappenedwithJoshua.Mymindhasbeensofocusedontryingtounderstandandbelieveallofthishasreallyhappened,thatIforgottosendAresamessage.Thenmycellphonedied,andIdidn’twanttotearmyselfawaytogochargeit.
Withslowsteps,Igoupstairsandtakeahotshower.Ican’tdenythatthewaterfeelsgoodonmyskinandeasesmytensemuscles.NowthatI’malittlemorerelaxed,IlettheGreekgodinvademythoughts.
Imisshimsomuch.
Theseweekshavefeltlikeaneternity.It’ssodisconcertingwhenyougetusedtoseeingapersonalmosteveryday,andsuddenlyyoudon’tseethemanymore.It’sstillafewdaysbeforehecomesback,andIknowitwillbehard,especiallynow,whenIwouldkillforoneofhishugs,andtofeelhimnexttome,givingmesecurity.
Inmypajamas,Isitonthebedandplugmycellphoneintocharge.Iwatchitturnon,andmessagealertsbegintoechothroughouttheroom.Rockyissleepingpeacefullyinthecorner;thesoundsofnotificationsdon’tseemtobotherhimatall.
Quickly,IopenAres’sconversation.IhavealotofmessagesfromhimandIdidn’texpectto.
12:15a.m.
Iwascallingtowishyouahappynewyear,andyoudidn’tanswer.
12:37a.m.
Witch?
1:45a.m.
Whydon’tyouanswerthephone?
2:20a.m.
Didyoufallasleep?
9:05a.m.
Raquel,I’mstartingtogetworried.Areyouokay?
10:46a.m.
Shit,Raquel,I’mreallyworriednow.
Thatwashislastmessage.
IbitemylowerlipasIbegintotypearesponse;however,Idon’tevenfinishtypingthefirstwordwhenmyphoneringsinmyhand.
Incomingcall:Ares<3
Myheartspeedsup,threateningtoburstoutofmychest.Itakeadeepbreath.
“Hello?”
There’sasecondofsilence,asifhedidn’texpectmetoanswer,asifhewasusedtomenotanswering.
“Whereareyou?”heasks,andtheseriousnessinhisvoicesurprisesme.
“Atmyhouse,”Ireply.
“Lookoutthewindow.”Andhehangsup.Istareatthephoneinconfusionbeforemygazefallsonthewindow.It’ssnowingagain,sothewindowisclosed.Igetupandwalkovertoit,movingthecurtainsaside.
Aresisstandingonhispatio.He’swearingjeansandablackjacketoverawhiteshirt,andhelooksalittletanned.Hisblackhairisinthatmessystylethatsuitshimperfectly,justhim.I’dliketosaythatI’mgettingusedtoseeinghim,thatI’mgettingusedtothedepthofthoseblueeyes,theconfidenceofhisposture,andhowbeautifulheis,butI’dbelying.Idon’tthinkI’llevergetusedtoit,andespeciallynowthatI’vegonetwoweekswithoutseeinghim.
Mybodyreactstohimasusual,myheartpoundingdesperately,mystomachturning,andmyhandssweatingalittle.However,it’snotthephysicalreactionsthatalwaystakemebysurprisebutthesensations,whathemakesmefeel,theexcitementthatfillsmychest,howhemakesmeforgetthatthereisaworldaroundme.
Snowflakesfallonhim,landingonhisjacketandinhishair.Ican’tbelievehe’sreallyhere.Ifumbletoopenthewindow.Hegivesmethatsmilethatwouldtakeanyone’sbreathaway.
“Hello,Witch.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’mspeechless,andheseemstoknowit,becausehequietlyhopsthefencethatdividesouryardsandclimbsuptheladdertoreachmyroom.Istepback,facinghim.Hiseyeslookrightthroughme.Iwanttospeakandtellhimwhathappened,butfromthewayhelooksatme,Iknowhealreadyknows.Withoutwarning,hepullsmeforwarduntilIcrashontohischest.Heholdsmetight,makingmefeelsafe.Andatthatmoment,Idon’tknowwhy,buttearswellupinmyeyes,andIfindmyselfcryinginconsolably.Aresjustcomfortsme,caressingthebackofmyhead.
“He…almostdied…”Istruggletosaythewords.“Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifhe…Ifeelsoguilty.”
HejustletsmecryandmumbleallthethingsIwanttosay,pressingmetightagainsthischest.God,I’vemissedhimsomuch.Webreakaway,andhetakesmyfaceinbothhands,histhumbswipingawaymytears,andthenhepresseshislipslightlytomine,givingmeasoft,gentlekiss.
Herestshisforeheadonmine.
“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”heasks.Istepback,puttingdistancebetweenus.Ican’tconcentratewithhimsoclosetome.
“I…Idon’tknow,itallhappenedsofast.Besides,youweresofaraway;Ididn’twanttobotheryou.”
“Botherme?Raquel,youareoneof—ifnotthe—mostimportantpersoninmylife.Youwillneverbotherme;yourproblemsaremyproblems.Ithoughtthewholepointofbeingacouplewastobeabletocountoneachother.Itupsetsmethatyoufeelyoucan’tcountonme.”
“I’msorry.”
“Don’tapologize,that’snotwhatIwant,Ijustwantyoutotellmeifyou’reeverinadifficultsituation.Don’tkeepquietbecauseyoudon’twanttobotherme,okay?”Igivehimanhonestsmile.
“Okay.”
“Doyouwanttotalkaboutwhathappened?”heasks.Itakeadeepbreath.
“No,”Ireply.
“Okay.”ArespicksupadarkbackpackthatIhadn’tnoticedonthefloorandputsitonthecomputertable.Fromit,hepullsoutabeautifulgiftbag.
“MerryChristmas,Witch,”hesays,extendinghishandwiththegift.Istareathim,surprised.
“Youdidn’thavetogivemeanything,”Isay.Hestrokeshischinasifinthought.
“Ithinkyoutoldmeyouonlyacceptgiftsonspecialoccasions,soIhavetotakeadvantageofthismoment.”
“DoyouremembereverythingItellyou?”Iask.
“Yup.EverythingIcareaboutstayshere.”Hetoucheshisforehead.“Comeon,takeit.Youdon’thaveanyexcusetorefuse.”
Sighing,Igrabthebag.Areslooksatmeimpatiently.HeseemsmoreexcitedthanIam,andhisexcitementspreadstomealittle.Iputitonthebedandopenit.ThefirstthingIpulloutisagoldenboxwithchocolatesthatnotonlylookexpensivebutforeign.
“Chocolates?”
“Iknow,Iknow,I’macliché,”hesays,raisinghishands.“There’smore.”
“Hey,Ithoughtitwasonegift,”Iaccusehim.
“AsIsaid,Ihavetotakeadvantageofthisopportunity.”
ThenextthingIpulloutisasmallsquareboxthatIrememberverywell:theiPhone.Igivehimanare-you-kidding-melook.
“It’sanewone!It’snottheonefromthattime,Iswear,”hesaysquickly.“IknowyoulikeiPhonesandyouhaven’tbeenabletobuyanotherone,andthatphoneDanilentyouisonephonecallawayfromself-destructing.”
“Youare…”
“Please?”HehasthosebeggingeyesthatremindmeofthecatfromShrek.
“YoujustwantaphonesoIcantakesexyphotostosendyou.”
Aresactssurprised.
“Howdidyouknow?”hedemands.Irollmyeyes,smiling,andpulloutasmall,elongatedbox.WhenIopenit,myheartmelts;it’sagoldnecklacewithapendantwithmynameonit,buttheRinRaqueliscrossedwithAres’sname.Itlookslikealittlecrossofournames.Noonehasevergivenmesomethingsodetailedandcute.Idon’tknowwhyIfeellikecryingagain.
Hehelpsmeputitonandgivesmeashortkissonthebackofmyneckbeforesteppingbackandleaningagainstthecomputertable,crossinghisarmsoverhischest.
“Thankyousomuch,GreekGod,thatwasreallyniceofyou,”Itellhimhonestly.“Ineverthoughtyou’dbethissweet.”
“Ihavemymoments.”
“Iboughtyousomethingtoo,”Isay.Hiseyeswiden.Hewasn’texpectingit.“It’snotmuch,andit’snotwrappedbecauseIdidn’texpectyoutogetbacksosoon.”
Nervously,IreachundermybedandpullouttheplasticbagcontainingthetwolittlethingsIboughtandgiveittohim.
“Ifeelterribleforgivingyouyourgiftlikethisafteryougavemesomethingsonice,”Isayquickly.Aresgivesmeatiredlook.
“Couldyoustopsayingthingslikethat?Let’ssee….Let’ssee…”
Thefirstthinghetakesoutisabookandreadsthetitlealoud:“MedicineforBeginners.”
Hissmilefades,buthisfacefillswithsomanydifferentemotionsthatmyheartexpandsagainstmychest.Hestaresatmesilentlyforafewseconds.“Thankyou.”
“Keepgoing,there’smore.”Iwatchashecarefullytakesoutastethoscope.“Iwantedtogiveyouyourfirstdoctor’sinstrument,soyoucanalwaystakemewithyouwhenyou’readoctor.”
IwishIcoulddescribehowhelooksrightnow,withtheemotionscrossinghisface,butI’dbeatalossforwords.Hisblueeyesarewateringasheslowlylickshislips.
“YoureallythinkIcanmakeit,”hesaysquietly.Igivehimaconfidentsmile.
“Idon’tthinkso,Iknowyoucanmakeit,”Isay,givinghimthethumbsup.“Dr.Hidalgo.”
Aresputsthestethoscopeonthetableandrushesovertome.
“Shit,Iloveyousomuch.”HislipsareonminebeforeIcantellhimthatIlovehim,too,andthatevenifnooneelsesupportshiminhisdreams,Ialwayswillnomatterwhat.FORTY-NINETheSupportThreeMonthsLater
Senioryearhasbeennojoke.
IcancountonmyfingersthedaysI’vehadtimeforsomefunortogooutwithmyfriendsorAres.We’veallbeenconsumedbytheexcellent-grades-requiredmonsterinordertohavearemoteshotatagoodcollegewhenwegraduate.It’sbeencrazy,andwe’realldrained.Now,afteraweekoftesting,Icanfinallyrelaxalittleandenjoymyboyfriend,who’slyingonhissidenexttome.
Theeyesarethemirrorofthesoul….
WherehaveIheardthatphrasebefore?Itdoesn’tmatter,Ijustknowthatit’strue.IneverimaginedIcouldseesomuchbylookingintosomeone’seyes,likeI’mreadingtheirbiography.
Aresdoesn’tsayanything,hejuststaresatme,andhiseyeslooksobrightwiththemorningsunreflectedinthem.Idon’tknowhowlongit’sbeensincewewokeup.Hishandrestsonthesideofmyface,histhumbcaressingmycheek.IwishIcouldstoptimesowecanstaylikethisforever,withouthavingtofacetheworldorworryaboutanythingelse.Irealizethathappinessisnotaperpetualstate,it’sjustperfectlittlemoments.
Arescloseshiseyesandkissesmeontheforehead.Whenhepullsaway,theemotionsinhiseyesareasclearaswater:loveandpassion.ItmakesmerememberthebeginningwhenIcouldn’tdecipherhimatall.Andthenfearsettlesinthepitofmystomach.Whensomethingissoperfect,thefearthatsomethingcouldruinitcanbeoverwhelming.
Thealarmonhiscellphoneinterruptsourmoment.
“Wehavetogo,”hesays.
“Argh!”Ishout.Iguessmylittlebreakfromschoolisover.“RemindmewhyIhavetostudy.”
Aresstandsupandstretches.
“Becauseyouwanttobeapsychologistandhelppeople,andforthatyouneedtofinishhighschool,”hestates,makingmesmilelikeafool.
“Goodmotivation.”Igetoutofbedwithjusthisshirton.“I’llletyoubemyfirstpatientifyoupromiseI’llbeyours.”
Thegoodmoodvanishesintothinair.Areslooksawaywithoutrespondingandstartswalkingtowardhisbathroom.Ifrownbutsaynothing;thesubjectofhisuniversitystudieshasbeenasensitiveoneforthepastmonth.Heneedstotalktohisparentsandmakeadecisionaboutwhichcollegestoapplyforsoon,astheapplicationdeadlinesformanyschoolsarepassing.
Afterwatchinghimdisappearbehindthebathroomdoorandhearinghimruntheshower,Ilookformybackpack,whichIfindsittingnexttoasmalllibraryofbooksfromschool.ItakeadvantageoftheeveningswhenMomisonnightshiftstocomeandstaywithhim,andIbringmyschoolbagwithclothessoIwon’tbelateinthemorning.Atfirst,itwasawkwardandembarrassingtobewithAres’sparentsandsiblings,butastimewenton,Irealizedthatthishousespendsmoretimeemptythanoccupied.Evenwhenthey’rehome,theytendtobelockedintheirownworldsor,inthiscase,rooms.
TheonepersonI’veinteractedwithquiteabithasbeenClaudia.SheandIsimplyhavechemistry,wegetalongwell,and,althoughatfirstglanceshemayseemcold,she’sactuallyverysweet.
Thesepastthreemonthshavebeenwonderful.Areshasbehavedlikeaprince.We’vehungout,spenttimewithmyfriendsandhisfriends,enjoyedwonderfulsex….Wehaven’thadanyfights,andIthankOurVirginofAbdominalsforthat.IdeservethisperiodofpeaceafterallIwentthroughinthebeginning.
I’mtakingmyclothesoutofmybackpackandputtingthemonthetablewithAres’slaptopwhenseveralenvelopesnexttothecomputercatchmyeye.OnehasastampthatIrecognize:TheUniversityofNorthCarolina.
Ipressmylipstogether.That’swhereIapplied,butAreshasneverbeeninterestedingoingthere.HealwaystoldmehewantedtostudyatoneoftheIvies.Curiously,Ipullouttheletterinside,andmyheartstopsasIreadit.
ThankyouforyourinterestinourBusinessManagementprogramforthesemester.Wewillbereviewingyourinformationandqualificationsandwillnotifyyouofourdecision.
Whatthefuck…?
Businessmanagement?UniversityofNorthCarolina?
AtthatmomentArescomesoutofthebathroomwithatowelaroundhiswaist,whiledryinghishairwithanotherone.
“Youcangoinnow,I…”Hestopswhenheseesmewiththepaperinmyhand.
“UNC?Businessmanagement?”Ishowhimthepaper.
“Iwasgoingtotellyou…”
“YouappliedtoUNC?Forbusinessmanagement?WhatdidImiss?”
“Raquel…”
“Whathappenedtomedicine?Princeton?Yale?Harvard?Whathappened?”Idon’tgivehimtimetoanswer.Idon’tknowwhyI’msoupset.Areslooksaway.
“Ihavetoberealistic,Raquel.”
“Realistic?”Iaskindisbelief.Hethrowsthetowelasideandrunshishandoverhisface.
“Managementorlaw,that’swhatmyfamilyneeds.”Ican’tbelieveI’mhearinghimsaythis.
“Whataboutwhatyouneed?”Iask.Heignoresmyquestion.
“It’sthesamecollegeyouappliedto.Aren’tyougladtoknowwe’llbetogether?”
“Don’ttrytomakethisaboutme,”Iretort.“Thisisaboutyouandwhatyouwantforyourlife.”
“ThisiswhatIwantformylife.Tobeusefultomyfamily,andtobebyyourside,that’sallIwant.”
“No,”Ishakemyhead.Aresraisesaneyebrow.
“No?”heasks.
“You’rejusttakingtheeasypath.You’regivingupwithouteventryingandtakingrefugeinthethoughtthatatleastwe’llbetogether.”
“Atleast?”herepeats.“Ididn’tknowbeingtogetherwassounimportanttoyou.”
“Again,don’ttrytomakethisaboutmeoraboutus.”
“Howcanitnotbeaboutus?IfIapplytothoseothercolleges,doyouknowhowfarapartwe’llbe?I’mgoingtohavetomovetoanotherstate,Raquel.”
Iknow…
I’vethoughtaboutitsomanytimes…
ButIcan’tbeselfish…
“Iknow,butyou’llbestudyingwhatyouwanttostudyandfollowingyourdream.That’senoughforme.”
“Don’tgivemethatshit.”Hemovesclosertome.“Youwantustosplitup?”
“Ijustwantyoutodowhatyouwanttodo.”
“ThisiswhatIwanttodo.ThisiswhatI’lldo.Thisismydecision.”
Irunmyhandsthroughmyhair.
“It’snot.Whyareyousostubborn?”Idemand.Iseehimhesitate.
“BecauseIloveyou,”hesays,andIstopbreathing.“Andjustimaginingbeingawayfromyoutearsmeapart.”
“Iknow.Ifeelthattoo.”ImoveclosertohimandtakehisfaceinmyhandsbeforeIcontinue.“Iloveyou,too,andbecauseIloveyou,Iwantyoutobehappyandachieveeverythingyouwantinthislife.”
Heputshisforeheadonmine.
“Ican’tbehappywithoutyou.”
“I’mnotgoinganywhere.We’llfindaway,long-distancerelationshiporwhatever.”Ipause.“I’dratherdothatthanseeyoueverydayinaplacethathasneverinterestedyou,studyingsomethingyouhate.Idon’twanttoseeyousufferthatway.”
“Myfamilywon’tsupportme.”
“Haveyoutalkedtothem?Atleasttry.”Igivehimashortkiss.“Please?”
“Okay.”Hislipsmeetmineinasoftkissthat’sfilledwithsomanyemotionsthatmyheartraces.Ireciprocate,runningmyhandsaroundhisneck,kissinghimdeeply.Feelinghiswettorsoagainstme,myhormonesrage,anditdoesn’thelpthathe’sonlywearingatowel.Ourmouthsmoveharderagainsteachother,brushingandlicking,andIpressmybreastsagainsthimwithdesire.
Aresliftsmeup,settingmeonthecomputertable,andreachesbetweenmylegs.Iinterruptthekissbreathlessly.
“We’regoingtobelate.”
“Aquickie.”Hekissesmeagain,liftingtheshirtI’mwearing,andunderneathI’mnaked.ThetowelfallstothefloorandArespullsmetighteragainsthim,forcingmetospreadmylegswideforhim.I’monthepillnow,sowedon’tusecondomsanymore.
BeforeIcansayanything,hepenetratesme,andamoanofsurpriseescapesmebutisstifledbyhislips.Hismovementsareroughanddeep,buttheyfeelfuckinggood.Iholdtighttohisneckashethrustsintome,thetablecrashingagainstthewallwitheachthrust.
Ourkissesbecomeuncontrolledandwet,andit’snotlongbeforewebothreachorgasm.Breathingfast,wehugeachother.Havingsomuchsexhasitsadvantages,weknoweachotherintimately,andweknowwheretotouch,lick,andhowtomovetomakeeachothercome.
Apolowalksinwithoutwarning.
“Ares,let’s—Ohshit.”Apoloturnshisbacktousquickly.Arespicksupthetowelandcovershimself,steppinginfrontofmetocoverme.Apolocontinuestostareintothedistance.
“We’regoingtobelate.I’llwaitforyoudownstairs.”
Assoonasheleaves,Iburstoutlaughing,tappingAres’sshoulder.
“Itoldyoutoclosethatdoor.”
Iknow,we’vebecomecheekyandshameless.Aresgivesmeashortkissandcarriesmetowardthebathroom.
“Comeon,we’llsavetimebyshoweringtogether.”Iletoutalaughandburymyfaceinhisneck.
–ARES–
“Well?”myfatherbegins,holdingaglassofwhiskeyinhishand.We’reinthestudyonthesmallcouchestoonesideofmyfather’slargedesk.Artemisissittingbesidehim,checkingachartonhistablet,andmymotherisonhisotherside,lookingatmecuriously.Apoloissittingnexttomeontheoppositecouch,givingmetheoccasionalworriedglance.Icalledthisfamilymeeting.I’mnotgoingtolie,myhandsaresweaty,andmythroatissodryithurts.
“Ares?”mymothercalls.Everyoneiswaitingforme.Ican’tgiveupwithoutafight,andthethoughtofRaquel’sdisappointedfacemotivatesme.
“Asyouknow,it’stimetoapplytocolleges,”Ibegin.Artemisputsdownhistablet.
“Doyouneedhelpwiththat?Icanmakesomecalls.”
“No,I…”Shit,Ididn’tthinkthiswouldbesohard.ThemomentIsaythewords,I’llexposemyself,andIdon’twanttogethurt.
“Ares,son,”myfatherencouragesme.“Saywhatyouhavetosay.”
Summoningmycourage,Itakeadeepbreath.
“Iwanttostudymedicine.”
Sepulchralsilence.IfeellikeI’vebeenexposed,thrownnakedinfrontofeveryone,beggingnottobehurt.Artemisbeginstolaugh.
“Areyoukiddingme?”heasks.Iwanttochickenoutandsayyes,butIcan’tdothat,notwhenI’vecomethisfar.
“No,I’mnotkidding,”Isay.
Myfathersetshisglassaside.
“Medicine?—”
“Ithoughtwe’dbeenclearaboutwhatthefamilyneeds,Ares,”mymothercutsin.“Yourfatherneedsanothermanagerorheadoflegalinhiscompanies,”shesays.
Myfatherimmediatelybacksherup.
“Itoldyouwe’reopeninganotherbranchofficeinafewyears.We’reexpanding,andIneedmychildrentobepartofit.It’sourfamilylegacy.”
“Iknow,”Isay.“Believemeithasn’tbeeneasyformetotellyouthis.Idon’twanttobeungrateful.You’vegivenmeeverything,but…”Ispeakwithmyheartinmymouth.“Ireallywanttobeadoctor.”
Mymotherclickshertongue.
“Doesthishavetodowiththatideayouhadasachildofwantingtosaveyourgrandpa?Son,he’salwayshadthebestdoctors;youdon’thavetobecomeoneforhim.”
Artemisputshishandsonhisknees.“Justapplytoalegalorbusinessprogram.”
“No,”Isay,shakingmyhead.“Thisisn’tawhimorjustbecauseofGrandpa.Ireallywanttobeadoctor.Idon’twanttostudymanagement,letalonelaw.”
“Andyou’rejustgoingtoputasideyourfamily’sneeds?Don’tbeungrateful,”mymothersays,crossingherarms.
“Ijustwanttobehappy,”Imutter.“IwanttostudywhatIwant.”
Artemisgivesmeanincredulouslook.
“Evenifthatmeansturningyourbackonyourfamily?”
“I’mnot…”
“No.”Myfatherinterjects.“We’veallmadesacrificesforthisfamily,Ares.DoyouthinkArtemiswantedtostudymanagement?No,buthediditforus.Wehavewhatwehavebecausewe’veallputasideindividualwantsforwhatweneedasafamily.”
“Really?Howhappyareyou,Artemis?”Myolderbrothergivesmeacoldlook,andIlookatmyfather.“Orareyou,Dad?Whatgoodissomuchmoneyifwecan’tdowhatwewant?”
Mymotherreprimandsme.“Don’tbeimpertinent!Yourfatherhasalreadygivenyouananswer.”
“I’mnotgoingtostudymanagement,”Irepeat.Icanseemyfatherclenchhisjaw.
“Thenyouwon’tstudyanything.”Hiscoldnesssurprisesme.“Nothingwillcomeoutofmypocketforyourschoolingifyoudon’tstudywhatweneed.Iwillnotsupportasonwhodoesnotsupportthegoodofhisfamily.”
Apolospeaksforthefirsttime.
“Dad…”
Alumpformsinmythroat,butIdon’tlettearsfallfrommyeyes.Idon’twanttolookweakerthanIalreadyhave.
“Dad,Iwanttobehappy,”Isay,notcaringthateveryoneiswatchingme.“WithoutyoursupportIcan’tmakeit.WithoutfinancialsupportthereisnothingIcando.Medicalschoolsareexpensive.Pleasesupportme.”
Myfather’sexpressiondoesnotwaver.
“Theanswerisno,Ares.”
MymindtravelstoanoldmemorywhenDadwasdifferent,beforeheturnedoutlikethis.
“Dad,youknowyouaremyhero…”Thelittleboyrunsaroundhisfatherandhugshim.Myfathersmilesatthechild—atme.
“Ialwayswillbe,Iwillkeepyousafe.”
Mymother’sbetrayalhaschangedhimsomuch.Controllingthepaininmyheart,Igetupandwalkoutthedoor.IcanhearApolotalkingtomyfatherinthebackground,pleadingwithhim,butIjustkeepwalking.
WhenIgettomyroom,Raquelrisesfromthebed,lookingatmecautiously.Ithanktheworldforhavingsomeonewhosupportsmeunconditionally,whowon’tturnherbackonme,whoIcanbreakdowninfrontofwithoutembarrassment.
I’mtrembling,andmyvisionisblurredbytears.Shewasright.Iwanttostudymedicinewithallmyheart,andnowthatdreamhasshattered.Raquelwalkstowardmeslowly,asifsheisworriedthatanysuddenmovementwillpushmeaway.Hermouthopens,butshesaysnothing.Whenshereachesme,shehugsme,andIburymyfaceinherneck,crying.I’mnotashamed,notwithher.Sheknowseverysideofme.Shehasbelievedinmefarmorethanmyownfather.
“Shhh,”shewhispers,strokingmyhair.“You’llbeallright,it’sgoingtobeallright.”
IhearthedooropenandimmediatelypullawayfromRaquel,wipingawaymytearsdefensively.Apolocomesin,andhiseyesarered.
“Youcancountonme,”hesayswithdetermination.“Iwantyoutoknowthatnoteveryoneinthisfamilyisturningtheirbackonyou.Countonme.”
Hesmilesatme,butthesadnessinhiseyesisobvious.
“We’lllookforscholarships.We’llbothworkparttime.We’llfigureitout…”Hisvoicebreaks.“Youdeservetobehappy,andyou’renotalone.Doyouunderstand?”
Thisidiot…Ismileandnod.
“Iunderstand.”
“Good.”Hegivesmeathumbsup.Raquelgrabsbothourhands,smilingatus
“We’llfigureitout,”shesays.
Iknowit’snotgoingtobeeasyandtheoddsareagainstit,butforsomereasonIbelievethem,soIsmile.
“We’llfigureitout.”FIFTYTheJob-RAQUEL–
Apolo,Ares,andIaredoingourbestworkingtheeveningshiftatDreamBurgersafterschool.
However,I’mhatingmyboyfriendrightnow.Iknow,howcouldIwhenIcanhardlybelievehe’sreallymyboyfriend?Butwhydoeshehavetobesoattractive?Whydoeseverythinghavetolookgoodonhim?TheDreamBurgersuniformisthemostantisensualclothingintheworld,andyetAreslooksgreatinit.
Igrunt,noticingagroupofthreegirlssmilingathimandsharingglanceswhilehe’stakingordersbehindtheregister.Iunderstandthem,Ireallydo,butthisDreamBurgershasturnedintoafuckingcircussinceAresstartedworkinghereaweekago.Iswearwe’veseenanincreaseinourfemaleclientelebecauseofhim.ThemanagerisjustasfascinatedwithAres,andIhavetowatchhalfthetowncomeinhereeverydaytoseemyboyfriend.
Isighdramatically,preparingacoffeeforoneoftheorders.Gabolaughsbesideme.
“Oh,”heteases.“Youseemalittleupset.”
“Ofcoursenot,”Ipracticallysnortinresponse.“I’mperfectlyfine.”
“Ihavebeendethroned,”hesaysinadramatictone,puttinghishandonhisheart.“Before,IwasthekingofthisDreamBurgers.”
Iburstoutlaughingandtaphimontheshoulder.
“Idiot.”
“Ohlook.”Gabopointsbehindmetothegroupofgirlsstillordering.“Todaytheywerebraveenoughtogivehimtheirnumbers.”WewatchthegirlsgiveAresscrapsofpaperbetweengiggles.Arestakesthemkindly,buthedoesn’tsmile.Hisexpressionremainsdisinterested.
Sorry,buttheyhavealotofworktodotogettowhereIamnow.
“Idon’tknowwhytheykeepcoming,”Gabosays.Heputssomefriesinato-gobag,completinganorder.“Hedoesn’tevensmileatthem.Canyouimagineifhesmiledatthem?We’dhaveafuckingovaryexplosioninhere.”
“Oraflood,”Apolochimesin,walkingoutofthekitchen.Helookscutewiththetransparentbeanieoverhishair.
“You’renothelping,”IsayasIprepareordersforthedrive-thru.Apologivesmethatinnocentsmilehehas.
“Calmdown,yourbreakiscomingup.”
Ithasn’tbeeneasytoignorealltheattentionAresreceives,butI’vetriedtomanageitasbestIcan.Eventhoughwedon’tearnmuchworkinghalfshiftsatDreamBurgersafterschool,it’ssomething.Apolodecidedtoworktosupporthisbrotheraswell.AresandIhavebothappliedforseveralscholarshipsandarewaitingfortheresponses.
IwaituntilAreshasfinishedattendingtothegroupofgirlsandtheyleavebeforeIpassbehindhimandwhisperslyly:“I’mwatchingyou.”
Aresturns,withthatcrookedsmileIlovesomuchformingonhislips,andIfeellikethequeenoftheworldbecausehesmilesformesoeasily.
“Watchingmehasalwaysbeenyourhobby,hasn’tit?”heasks,crossinghisarmsoverhischest.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”Ireply,butofcourse,Iknowexactlywhathe’sreferringto—mystalkerdays.
“No?Wasn’tAresAndMeForeveryourWi-Fipassword?”
“You’renottheonlyAresintheworld,”Itellhim.
“IamtheonlyAresinyourworld,”hecounters.Iraiseaneyebrow.
“Whysosure?”
Apoloappearsbesideus.
“Stopflirting,wehavecustomers.”HepointstotwogirlswaitingforArestotaketheirorder.“MyGod,wheredoallthesegirlscomefrom?”
Iletoutasighofannoyanceandstandinfrontoftheregister.
“Welcome,mayItakeyourorder?”Iask.Thegirlsdon’thidetheirdisappointment.
“Hey.”Theysharealookbetweenthembeforethebolderofthetworesponds.“Wedon’tknowwhatwewantyet,sowe’llthinkaboutit.”Theytakeafewstepsbackandstarttowalkaway.Really?Aresputshishandonmywaist,pushingmeslightlyawayfromtheregister.
“Trustme,Witch.”AssoonasArestakescharge,thetwogirlsreturn,smilinglikethere’snotomorrow.
Breathe,Raquel.
“It’stimeforyourfifteen-minutebreak.Go,”mybosstellsme,andIdon’thesitatetogetoutofthere.ThefreshspringairhitsmeasIleave.Isitonthesidewalkbesidethestore,relaxingmylegs.Ineedtogetawayfromgirlschasingmyboyfriendforawhile.
Ihearthedooropen,andatwenty-somethinggirlwhoalwaysordersaDreamBurgerscoffeeandsitsdowntowriteatoneofthetablescomesout,carryingherbackpack.She’saregularcustomer,butIstilldon’tunderstandwhyshe’salwayshere.There’snothingspecialaboutthisplace.Wemakeeyecontact,andshesmileskindlyatme.
“Areyouallright?”sheasks.
“Yeah,Ithinkso,”Ireply.
Sheseemstohesitateforasecond,beforesittingdownnexttome.
“Idon’twanttosoundweird,butI’veseenitall.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Ifrownather.
“Isthenewguyyourboyfriend?”
“Howdoyouknow?”Iask.
Shelaughs,andherblueeyeslightup.
“I’mveryobservant,theadvantagesofbeingawriter,and,besides,I’vebeenthere.”Igiveheralookofdisbelief,andshelooksaway.“Oh,believeme,beingthehotguy’sgirlfriendisnotasgreatasitsounds.Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIfoundmyselfwonderingifIwasenoughforhim,orwhattheheckhesawinmewhenhehadsomanyotheroptions.”
Exactly.
“It’sreallyeasytoputyourselfdowninasituationlikethis.”Sheturnstome.“Buttherealityisthatloveisn’tsomethingthat’sbornandgrowsbasedonappearances.Itneedssubstancetobereal.Physicalattractioncanbethebeginningoffeelings,butit’llneverbeenough.It’llalwaysneedthatsomethingmore,thatconnectionthatyoucan’tgetwithjustanyone.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay,soshecontinues.
“Forhim,you’rethatsomethingmore,thatconnection.Sure,therearepeopleprettierthanyou,smarterthanyou,moretalentedthanyou,butnooneisbetterorworsethanyou,andnooneisyou.”Silencefallsbetweenus,butit’snotuncomfortable.Inodandsmileather.
“Thankyou.Ifeelmuchbetter.”
“I’mglad.”
“I’mcurious,”Ibegin.“Areyoustillthegirlfriendofthathandsomeguy?”
“No.”Sheshakesherheadandraisesherhand,showingmeherring.“I’mhiswifenow.”
“Ohwow.”Thejoysheexudeswhenshesaysitiscontagious.“Youlooksohappy.”
“Iam,butitwasn’teasyatfirst.”
“IwishIwasmorematureanddidn’tgetjealous,butsometimesIcan’thelpit,”Isay.Shelaughsatmyhonesty.
“Jealousyiscompletelynormalwhenyou’reinlove,buthowyouactaboutitiswhatwilltellyouifit’sharmfulornatural.”
“Yousoundtoowisetobesoyoung.”Isnort.
“Itoldyou,I’vebeenthroughalot,andIthinkithelpedme.”
Acarpassesbyandparksinfrontofusatasafedistance.Theyoungwomanstandsandbrushesoffherpants.
“Myride’shere,”shesays.
“Yourhusband?”Iask,raisinganeyebrow.Shenodsandwestandup.
“IhopeIhelped.”Shesmilesagain.
“Youhave,really.”
Icatchamovementoutofthecornerofmyeye,andseeamangettingoutofthecar.VirginofAbdominals!
He’stall,withdarkeyesandmessyblackhairaroundhisface.He’swearingadarkbluesuit,butthetieishalf-looseasifhe’sjusttuckedhisfingersbehindit,andhehasamysterious,half-hiddentattooonhisneck.Theyoungwomanletsoutagigglenexttome.
“He’shot,isn’the?”
Iblush.Itwasn’tmyintentiontolookatherhusbandthatway.Hewalksovertousandlooksatherwithpureadorationonhisface.
“Hello,strawberry,”hesays,givingheraquick,shortkiss.
Sheturnshergazetome.
“Evan,thisisRaquel,sheworkshere.”Evansmileskindlyatme,andIseedimplesformingonhischeeks.
“Ihopemywifedidn’tbotheryoutoomuch,”hesays.
“No,notatall.”Ishakemyhead.“Shejustgavemesomeverygoodadvice.”
Herunshishandaroundhershoulders.
“Yeah,she’sgoodatit.”
Shelaughs,andherwholefacelightsup.
“Weshouldgo.Itwasapleasure,Raquel.”Theystartwalking,whenshesuddenlyturnsaround.
“Oh,bytheway,mynameisJules.I’llseeyouaround.”Iwatchthemteaseandpusheachotherandthenhugagainastheywalktothecar.
Whatacutecouple,Ithink.Idecidetogetbacktowork.FIFTY-ONETheBirthday
Iloveyou…
It’ssoeasytosay,yetsodifficulttoexpressthroughactions.
Wetendtobeselfishbynature,somemorethanothers.Wewantwhatisbestforusandwhatbenefitsus.We’vebeentaughttoputourselvesbeforeothers,andtoldthatifwedon’tloveourselves,wecan’tlovesomeoneelse.Andinthatrespect,itcanbecometrue:howmuchyouloveyourselfcanbereflectedinyourabilitytoloveothers.However,therearetimeswhenwehavetoputasidewhatwewantforourselvesforthewelfareoftheotherperson.Tomethatistruelove.
IknowwhatAresneedsandwhathereallywantsforhisfuture,andI’msupportinghim100percent.ButIcan’tdenythatI’mterrifiedattheideaofseparating,oflosinghim.Justimaginingitmakesmychesttightenandmystomachfeelfunny,butIlovehim,andbecauseIlovehim,IhavetoputasidewhatIfeelforhim,forhishappiness.
Howfuckedupislove?
Istareattheletterinmyhands.I’vebeenacceptedtotheUniversityofNorthCarolinaonapartialscholarshiptostudypsychology.
I’mreallyhappy.Ican’tdenyit.ThisiswhatI’vealwayswanted,andthereshouldn’tbeanythingtoovershadowit.TheonlyproblemisthatIwanttosharemyhappinesswithAres.Iknowhe’llbeproudofme,butIalsoknowthatthisonlymakesitmorerealthatwe’llbegoingourseparatewayswhenthisschoolyearisover.It’sabittersweetfeeling,butIguessthat’slife.
“That’snotthereactionIexpected,”Danicomments,stretchingoutonmybed.“Theyacceptedyou,youidiot!”
“Idon’tknow.Istillcan’tbelieveit.”
Shesitsdown,snatchingtheletterfrommyhand,andreadsit.
“Andwithapartialscholarship?Thisisamiracle,becauseyoudon’thaveanytalent.”Igiveheramurderouslook.
“Itoldyouthatwinninginterstatechesstournamentswoulddosomegood.”
Danisighs.“Istilldon’tknowhowyou’resogoodatchess,yourIQ…”Iraiseaneyebrowather.“Isapparentlygoodenoughtogetascholarship,”shefinishes.“Yay!”
Iputtheletteronthenightstandandgetup.ThesunstreamingthroughthewindowfallsonRocky,who’sasleeponhisbackwithhispawsintheairandhistongueout.He’sdefinitelymydoggyincarnation.Daniglancesathim,concerned.
“Isheallright?”sheasks.“Helookslikehe’sdead.”
“He’sfine.Hehasweirdsleepingposes,”Ianswer.Daniburstsoutlaughing.
“Likehisowner.”
Danispentthenightwithme,becausetodayis…
“Happybirthdaytoyou!”mymothercomesinwithatrayofbreakfast,smilingbroadlyatus.“Gobacktobed,Raquel,orelsebreakfastinbedbecomesmeaningless.”
Ismileather.
“Yes,ma’am.”
IreturntoDani’sside.Herblackhairisabitgreasy,andhermakeupissmudged.Lastnightwedrankalittleatourprebirthdaysleepover,whichendedwithbothofuscryingovertheHidalgos.Me,becauseIgottheacceptanceletterandwouldbemovingawayfromAres,andherbecause…well,Idon’tknowwhatthefuckiswrongbetweenherandApolo.Sheloveshim,thenshedoesn’t,thenshewantstogetoverhim,butshecan’t.Ithinkeveryonehashadafriendwhohasnofuckingideawhatshewantsfromaguy.
Momputsthetrayonmylap.There’splentyoffoodforbothofus,andasmallmuffinthathasalitcandleonit.Iblowoutthecandle,andtheyclaptheirhandslikesealsthathavejusteaten.Ican’thelpthesmilethatspreadsovermyface.
“Happybirthday,beautiful.”Momleansoverandgivesmeakissontheforehead.
“Thankyou,Mom.”IstarteatingandofferapieceofpancaketoDani,whogrimaces,andgivesMomanapologeticlook.
“Nooffense,Rosa,butIreallydon’thaveanappetite.”
Momscoffs.“Toomuchtodrinklastnight?”
Danilookssurprised.“Howdidyouknow?”
“Thisroomsmellslikeamixtureofbeerandvodka.”Momsighs.“Withatouchofwineforgoodmeasure.”
Dani’seyeswiden.
“Howdidyouknowwhatwedrank?”
Momjustshrugs,andIrollmyeyes,answeringher.
“Whodoyouthinkboughtthealcohol,silly?”
Momheadsforthedoor.
“Eatandgetup.Yourauntsandcousinsareabouttoarrive,andwehavealottodobeforetonight’sparty.”
Thebirthdayparty…
Althoughwe’renotveryclosewiththerestofthefamily,mymom’ssistersalwayscomeonmybirthdaysandbringmycousins.Igetalongwithsomeofthem,butthereareothersIcan’tstand.
“Ah,”Ishriekasmymotherleavestheroom.“IhopeAuntCarmen’sdaughtersdon’tcome.They’reunbearable.”Daninodsinagreement.
“Yeah,they’realwaysDM-ingmeonInstagram,askingwhattheyneedforanauditionforMom’smodelingagency.They’resuperannoying.”
“Comeon.Webettergetready.”Daniliesbackdown,pullingthesheetoverherhead.“Comeon,Morticia,”Itakethesheetoff.
“Morticia?”
“Lookinamirrorandyou’llunderstand.”
“Veryfunny.”Shegetsupandreluctantlywalkswithmetothebathroom.Youhaven’tpassedtheboundariesoftrustinafriendshipuntilyou’vebeenbrushingyourteethinthesinkwhileyourbestfriendpeesrightnexttoyou.
“And…youinvitedhim?”sheasks.Iknewthisquestionwouldcomesoonerorlater.
“Ofcourse,he’smyfriend,”Ianswerafterrinsingmymouth.
“Iknow,Ijustwantedto…”
“Psychologicallyprepareyourselftoseehim?”
“No,just…”Shedoesn’tfinishhersentence,andIturntolookather,stillsittingonthetoilet.
“We’vehadthisconversationathousandtimes,andIdon’tunderstandwhat’sgoingoninyourhead.Ifyoulikehimsomuch,whyaren’tyouwithhim?”
“It’scomplicated.”
“No,it’snot,Dani.It’sverysimple:youlikeeachotherverymuch,andyou’rehappytogether.Whycan’tyoubetogether?”
Sherunsherhandsoverherface.“I’mscared,Raquel.”
“Scared?”Thattakesmebysurprise.
“WhatIfeelforhimscaresmesomuch;I’veneverfeltsovulnerable.”
Oh.My.God.DaniisthefuckingfemaleversionofAres.HowdidInotrealizethis?AndwhathaveIdonetosurroundmyselfwithpeoplelikethis?
“Areyouserious,Dani?”Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“Areyoulisteningtoyourself?Scared?Fuckfear.You’renevergoingtolivelifetothefullestifyou’relivinginfearofgettinghurt.”
“I’mnotlikeyou,”sheadmits,lickingherlowerlip.“You’resostrong.Youriseupwhensomethingbadhappens,andyousmileasiflifehasn’thityousomanytimes.I’mnotlikethat,Raquel.I’maweakpersonhidingbehindastrongfacade,andyouknowit.Idon’tgetupeasily.Ifindithardtosmileatlifewhensomethingbadhappenstome,that’sthekindofpersonIam.”
“Youaren’tstrong?WhobeatupRafainsecondgradewhenhecalledmeallsortsofnames?Whostoodbytheirmotherandhelpedherbuildaprestigiousmodelingagency?Whojugglesschoolworkandhelpinghermotherwithherbusiness?”Ishakemyhead.“Don’tgivemethatshitaboutyounotbeingstrong,you’reoneofthestrongestpeopleIknow.It’sokaytobeafraid,it’snormal,butdon’tletfearcontrolyourlife.”
Herfacelightsup.
“I’dhugyou,but…”Shepointstoherpantsoverherankles.
“Imaginaryhug,”Isay,slappingherforeheadandleavingthebathroom.“Comeon,Morti,wehaveworktodo.”
“Stopcallingmethat,”shesays,andIhearherflushthetoilet.
“Lookinthemirror.”
IlaughasIhearhersqueal.
“BythenailsofChristandtheflip-flopsofMoses!”
ItakethetraywiththeleftoversdownstairsandfindMominthekitchen,checkingthecakeintheoven.It’stheperfectmomenttotalk,andthisconversationwe’reabouttohavehastohappensoonerorlater.EspeciallysinceI’veinvitedtheHidalgostotonight’sparty.Momglancesatmeoverhershoulderasshepourssomecoffeeinhercup.
“Mom,Ineedtotellyousomething.”Iclearmythroat,sittingonthekitchentable.“Canyousitdownforasecond?”
Shefrownsbutsitsacrossthetablefromme.
“You’rescaringme,”shesays.Iletoutalongbreath.
“IknowI’vetoldyouI’vebeenhangingoutwithAresasfriendsthesepastcoupleofmonths,”Istart,andshesipshercoffee.“AresandI…”
“You’redating,”shefinisheswithacalmexpression.
“Youknew?”
“Sweetie,I’myourmother,andthisisasmalltown.I’vehearditallfromdifferentpeople.HowyouguysareallworkingtogetheratDreamBurgers,howhappyyouseem.”Ihesitatebecauseherexpressionisn’tangry,butit’snothappyeither.
“Whydidn’tyousayanything?”Iask.
“Iwantedyoutotellme.I’vebeenwaitingforawhile,”shereplies.ThetrustandcommunicationbetweenusfracturedwhenthethingwithYoshihappened,andyetshewasgivingmetimetotellher,totrusther.Shewasclosingthechapterandopeninganewone.Itmakesmefeellikesheshouldhavefoundoutfromme.
“I’msorry,Mom,Ishouldhavesaidsomethingsooner.I—”
“Raquel,”sheinterrupts.
“No,letmesaythis.Ihaven’thandledthistherightway,andI’mreallysorryaboutthat.You’vebeenagreatmom,andIjust…Ikeepmessingup.”Forsomereason,I’mgettingemotional,andtearsblurmyvision.Momsighsandextendsherhandtoholdmineonthetable.
“Sweetie,notears.There’snoneedforthose.It’syourbirthday.We’reokay,Raquel.You’renotakid;you’renineteennow.”Shesqueezesmyhand.“Myonlyquestionsforyouwouldbe:Ishetreatingyouwell?Areyouhappy?”
“Yes.”
“Thenthat’sallIneedtoknow.”Shepausesforasecond.“Oh,areyoubeing…youknow,careful?”Iknowwhatshemeans.
“Mom!”
“Hey,I’mnotreadytobeagrandma,andyou’renotreadytohaveakid.”Ilaughalittleandshegetsuptowalkaroundthetable.Sheleansinforahug.“We’reateam,nosecrets,okay?”
“Okay,Mom.”Iwrapmyarmsaroundherwaist.
“Now,let’sgetreadyfortheparty.”
“ThenIsaid,‘Ofcoursenot,silly,you’retoouglytogooutwithme,’andhewaskindofshocked,soIjustgavehimadirtylookandleft.Thewholeschooltalkedaboutitformonths.”
DaniandIsharealookwhilelisteningtoCecilia,myleastfavoritecousin,andIthinkwithherlittlespeechaboutrejectingaboyyoucanimaginewhy.Iusedtolikeherbeforemyunclestartedmakinggoodmoney,whichmadeher,hersisterCamila,andmyauntCarmenunbearablyarrogant.Nowtheythinkthey’rebetterthanallofussincethey’retheonlywealthyonesinourfamily.Myuncleistheonlyonewho’sstillthesame.
Thepartypreparationsareready.MomhasdecoratedthebackyardwithwhiteChristmaslightsandballoonsthatmatchthefloraldressI’mwearing.EverythinglooksnicerthanIexpected.
CeciliaisabouttocontinuetalkingwhenIseeJoshuawalkin.
“Yoshi!”Icry,walkingawayfrommychattycousin.Hegivesmeoneofhisbigsmiles.
“Rochi,happybirthday.”Hehugsmetightly,andwhenwebreakapart,hehandsmeasmallgiftbox.
“Thankyou.”IturntogreetJoana,thegirlhe’sbeendatingforthepastmonth,whohemetinhistherapygroup.“Hello,welcometothemadhouse.”
“Joshuasaidyouwouldsaythatasawelcome.”Shegiggles.
Ishakemyhead.“Heknowsmetoowell.”
Joshuaglancesbehindmeatthegroupofcousins.
“Oh,Iseetheyallcame.This’llbeinteresting.”
Theplacefillsupquicklyand,truthbetold,it’snotthatdifficultgiventhesizeofthebackyard.Afewfriendsfromschool,someneighbors,andmyauntsandcousinsareenoughtofillit.
Iglanceatmyphoneandthere’snomessagefromAres,butI’mnotworried.IsawhimlastnightforafewminutesbeforeDaniarrivedforthesleepover.Hetoldmethathe’dletmehavethedaytosharewithmyfamily,butthatafterthepartyI’dbehis.He’scomingtothepartywithApolo.IalsosentinvitationstoArtemisandClaudiaasacourtesy,butIdon’tthinkthey’llcome.
I’mabouttoansweraquestiononeofmycousinsaskedmewheneveryone’sgazemovestowardtheentrancetothebackyard.Islowlyturnaround.
Youknowthoseslow-motionmomentsinmovies?That’swhatI’mexperiencingrightnow,andI’mnottheonlyone.ThewholepartyseemstohavecometoastandstillastheHidalgobrotherswalktowardus.Artemisiswearingablacksuitwithoutatieandthefirstbuttonsofhisshirtareunbuttoned,hishairiscombedbackperfectly,andhehasaslightbeardadorninghismanlyface.Apolosmilesbroadly,hisprettyfacelightingup,hisdamphaircaressinghisearsandforehead.He’swearingadarkblueshirtwithjeans.AndAres…
Aresisinthemiddle,walkingasiftheworldbelongstohim,likethefuckingGreekgodheis.Thesleevesofhisblackshirtarerolleduptohiselbows,revealingabeautifulblackwatch,andhekeepsrunninghisfingersthroughhismessyhair.Thatdazzlingfacegivesmeacrookedsmile,andhisblueeyessparkle,takingmybreathaway.
VirginofAbdominals…
“HolyMotherofGod.”IhearCeciliaexclaimbehindme.Myaunt’smouthisliterallyhangingopen.“Wheredidthoseguyscomefrom?”
Everyonewatchestheminabsolutesilenceastheyapproachme.Artemisisthefirsttospeak.
“Goodevening.”
Aresgivesmeamischievoussmile,andleansintome,givingmeashortkiss.
“Happybirthday,Witch.”
Howtoleaveapartyinabsolutesilence?
JustinvitethreeGreekgods,itworksperfectly.Eventhemusichasstopped,butdon’tthinkit’ssomemagictrickorsomething.No,it’sjustthatmyauntHelenaisinchargeofthemusic,andshe’sdazzledbythethreeguysinfrontofme.
Thetruthis,Iunderstandwhatmyrelativesarefeeling.IttakestimetogetusedtotheHidalgos.Ifeeltheneedtobreakthesilence.
“Thanksforcoming,guys,”Itellthemfromthebottomofmyheart.Ican’tdenythatI’msurprisedtoseeArtemishere.Ineverimaginedhewouldcome.Apologivesmeasweetsmile,andIhearCamilasighbehindme.
“Youdon’thavetothankusforanything,”Apolosays.“Thankstoyouforinvitingus.”
MyauntCarmen,ofcourse,cannotkeepquiet.
“Raquel,baby,whereareyourmanners?”
Andsobeginsthatawkwardmomentwhenyouhavetointroduceyourbeautifulboyfriendandhissiblingstoyourfamily.
“Apolo,Ares,andArtemis,thesearemyauntsCarmenandMaria,andmycousins:Cecilia,Camila,Yenny,Vanessa,Lilia,andEsther.”
Afteralltheprotocol,andmycousinshalffainting,theHidalgoscrossovertoagroupwhereDeanandotherguysaretalking.
Mycousinletsoutashriek.
“OhmyGod,Raquel!”Camilaexclaims.“Yourboyfriendis…Ican’texplainit.”Ceciliaismute.MyauntCarmensaysnothingeither.Myauntswanderofftotalk,leavingmetothelargegroupofgirlsalone.
“Apolo….Evenhisnameispretty.”Camilasighs,grabbingmyshoulders.“Doeshehaveagirlfriend?”
MyeyesmeetDani’s.SheseemsprettyannoyedatCamila’sinterest.
“Oh,Ithinkhedoeshaveagirlfriend,”Daniinterjects.
“Ohno.”Camillapouts.“Ofcoursehehasagirlfriend.Howcouldthatcute,beautifulthingnothaveagirlfriend?”sheasks,staringatApolo.
Yennytakesasipofthelightlyspikedfruitdrinkweprepared.
“Fuckrelationships,I’dgiveanythingtofucktheoldestbrother.”
“Yenny!”Ceciliaspitsoutherdrink.Ican’thelpbutsmile.VanessagivesYennyahighfive.
“Youreadmymind.OnenightisallIaskofanyofthoseguys,”saysVanessa.Iraiseaneyebrow,andshelaughs.“Takeiteasy,notyours,theothertwo.”
“Apoloalsohasagirlfriend,”Daniintervenes.“Remember?”
“So?”Vanessalooksather,andDanican’thideherannoyance.
“So?Wouldyoumesswithaguywhohasagirlfriend?”
Vanessasnorts.
“Idon’twanttomarryhim.Onenight,afewhourswillbeenough.”Theyallwhistleandfuss,reactingtohowdirectmycousinis.IadmititremindsmeofhowdirectAresis.Apparently,there’ssomeonelikethatineveryfamily.
Danigivesheranincredulouslook.
“He’syoungerthanyou,”Danisays,asifit’sthelastwordonthesubject.YennyandVanessashrugtheirshoulders.“Don’tyoucarewhatpeoplewillsayaboutyou?”
Vanessashakesherhead,smiling.
“Youneedarefresher,babe,ordoyoustillbelieveinthatmachobullshitthatit’sokayformentodateyoungergirls,butit’swrongifwomendoit.”
“Exactly.”Yenninodsinagreement.“He’sateenagerawareofwhathewants.Ifbothpartieslikeeachother,andthere’sconsent,what’stheproblem?”
Camilarollshereyes.“Bothofyoushutup,Apoloismine.”
MyeyesmeetAres’sglance.He’sholdingaredplasticcupinhishandsandtakesadrink.There’samischievoussmiledancingonhislipsasheputsdownthecup.
“I’llberightback,”Itellmycousins,approachingAres.Ican’tlookaway.Asalways,Ifeeltrappedintheblueofhiseyes.EverystepItakequickensmyheart.Onebyone,thepeoplearoundmedisappear,untilit’sjustmeandhim.TheGreekgodandthewitch.Themoodyoneandthestalker.Istopinfrontofhim,grinninglikeanidiot.
“Howdiditfeeltobementallyfuckedbyallmycousins?”Iask.Hestrokeshischin,asifthinking.
“Ifeelalittleused,”hesaysandIchuckle.
“Sure,likeyou’renotusedtogettingthosereactions.”
Aresraisesaneyebrow.“Areyoujealous?”
“Pffff,please.”Irollmyeyes.Aresgrins,runninghisthumbacrossmycheek.
“Youlooksexywhenyou’rejealous.”Histhumbcomesdownandcaressestheedgeofmylips,andIstopbreathing.“Seeingyouinthatdressiskillingme.”
Iswallowhard.Heremoveshishandfrommyface.
“Youknowwhy?”
MyauntCarmenwalksbybeforeIcananswer.“Raquel,yourmotheriscallingyou.She’sinthekitchen.”
“Ihavetogohelp.”Iturnaround,butAresgrabsmyarmandturnsmebacktohim.HegetscloseenoughtomethatIcansmellhisdeliciouscologne,andthenleansintowhisperinmyear.
“Yourfamilythinksyou’resuchaninnocentgirl.IftheyonlyknewhowyoumoanandbegmetogiveyoumorewhenIfuckyou.”
Igapeathim.
“Ares!”
“OrhowwetyougetwhenIgiveyouasimplekiss.”
HolyVirginofAbdominals,prayforus,amen.
Aresreleasesme.Iputmyhandonmychest,keepingmycoolforamoment,andthenIrunawayfromthereasfastasIcan.Howcanheturnmeonwithjustwords?Aresdefinitelyhasagift.Takingacalmingbreath,Iwalkintothehouse.Momiswaitingformeinthekitchenwithsometrays.
“Ididn’tmeantobotheryoutonight,butIjustneedhelphandingtheseoutandIpromisenottobotheryouagain.”
“Calmdown,Mom,Idon’tmindhelping.They’remyguestsafterall.”IgrabthetrayandturntoleavewhenMomclearsherthroat.
“Youtwoseemreallyhappy,”shesays,lookinginmyeyes.
“Really?”Iask,pleased.
Shejustwalkspastmewithasmileonherface,andIwalkoutwiththetrayandamatchingsmileonmine.ImeetClaudiaattheentrance.
“Hey,youcame,”Isay.Shelooksveryprettyinapurpledresswithherhairlooseandshiny.
“That’sright,happybirthday.”Sheattemptstogivemethegiftinherhand,butthensheseesthatminearefull.
“Youcanputitonthattableoverthere,theboysareintheback,”Itellher.
Shehesitates.
“Allthree?”sheasks,andInod.
“Yeah,comeonin,”Iencourageher.“I’mgoingtohandthisoutandI’llmeetyouthere,okay?”
I’mjustabouttoreachthegroupwhereDean,Apolo,andArtemisarestandingwhenCamillainterceptsme.
“I’lltakethesetothem,”shesays,takingthetrayfrommeandheadingtowardtheguysbeforeIevenhavetimetoprocesseverything.IwatchhersmilecheekilyatApoloafterofferingthemthetray,andthenshejuststandstheretalkingtohim.Imustadmit,she’sbrave.
“Howdareshe?”Dani’svoicemakesmejumpbecauseIdidn’tnoticeheratmyside.Herexpressionissomber.
“I’mgoingtokillher.”
“She’sjusttalkingtohim.Idon’tthinkhelikesher,”Isay,tryingtocalmherinsecurities.YennyandVanessatakeadvantageofCamila’sboldnessandjoinher,usinghertosubtlyinsertthemselvesintotheconversation.
“Whoarethosepeople?”Claudia’svoiceringsonmyotherside,makingmejumpslightlyagain.Whydopeoplekeepappearingnexttomeoutofnowhere?
“They’remycousins,”Iexplain,lettingoutalongsigh.
Claudiapressesherlipstogether.
“Ineedadrink.”
“Metoo.”Daniagrees.“Comeon,Iknowwherethevodkais.”
“Hey,goandenjoy.”Igivethemthethumbsup,buttheybothgrabmebyanarmanddragmewiththem.
Thisisgoingtobefun.FIFTY-TWOTheObserver-ARES–
I’veneverbeenoneforbirthdayparties.
TheHidalgohousehasn’thadbirthdaypartiesforalongtime.Nowit’sjustbirthdaydinnersthatendinsilencesandawkwardsmiles.Myhomehasn’tbeenthesameaftereverythingthathappened;thevibeisn’tthesame.Withmyfriends,wealwaysgoouttoaclubtocelebrate,sothey’renotreallybirthdaypartieseither.
Still,Ifindmyselfenjoyingthisparty.It’snotsetaroundalongtablewithtoomuchsilverwareoratanoisyclub.It’snormal,andtheatmosphereisfamiliarandrelaxed.Peoplearechattingcomfortablyaroundme.DeanandApoloaretalkingaboutsomethingfromschool.
Buttobehonest,thereasonIlikethisbirthdaypartyisnottheenvironmentbuther:Raquel.Myeyesfallonthegirlwithtousledhairandexpressiveeyeswhohasinfiltratedmysoulcompletely.ShesmilesopenlyatsomethingDanielasaysandherwholefacelightsup.Shelooksgorgeous.Ifabirthdaypartymakeshersmilelikethat,I’llattendthemall.I’llevengladlyorganizethem.
Ineverthoughtshewouldbetheonetomakemefeelallthis.Asakid,Irememberseeingherseveraltimesthroughthefencebetweenourhomes,butitwasn’tuntiloverayearagothatIactuallysawher.IstillrememberthatdayInoticedherlookingatmefromherwindow.Ofcourse,IplayeditlikeIwasoblivious.Yethercuriosityaboutmepiquedmineabouther,andIbegantowanttoknowmoreabouther:whatsheliked,whatshedid,andwhereshewenttoschool.
Andthenonedayourpathscrossed,and,althoughshedidn’trealizeit,Istillrememberitclearly.
“Let’sgetoutofhere.”Deanyawnsaswewalkthroughallthetemporaryexhibitsandtentsathissister’sschoolfair.“Istilldon’tunderstandwhyshestoppedattendingourschooltocometothisone.”
Daniela’sclassmateshadorganizedafundraiserfortheirextracurricularactivitiesandpersonalprojects.Deandraggedmewithhimtosupporthissister,butDanielahadalreadysoldeverythingshebroughtandleft,sowedidn’tneedtostickaroundanymore.
Aswepassthroughthecrowd,Icanseeseveraltablesinthedistancewithitemsstillforsale.Onetableinparticularcatchesmyattention.
Raquel,thatgirlwhowatchesmefromherwindowallthetime,standsatthesideofhertable,offeringhandmadejewelrytoeveryonewhopassesby,butnoonepaysanyattentiontoher.Hertableisfullofneatlyarrangedanduntouchedbracelets.Idoubtshe’ssoldanything.AFundstopayformychesslessonssignisbehindhertable.
Chess,eh?
IstopbecauseforsomereasonIdon’twanthertoseeme.Deanstopsandlooksatme.
“What’swrong?”
“Yougoonwithoutmetotheparkinglot,I’llcatchupwithyou.”
Hegivesmeaquizzicallookbutcontinuesonhisway.AshepassesinfrontofRaquel’stable,hegreetsher,andshesmilesathim.
Shehasaverynicesmile.
Iusethepeoplewalkingbyasashieldtowatchher.Herfaceissoexpressive,it’sasifIcantellexactlywhatshe’sthinkingjustbylookingather.
Whatareyoudoing,Ares?
Myconsciencereproachesme,butI’mjustcurious.
Shesighsandsitsbehindthetable,defeated.Shegrimacesinfrustration,andfinallyherfacefillswithsadness,andIdon’tlikeit.Itmakesmeuncomfortabletoseehersad.Ihaven’tevenspokentoher,anditalreadyaffectsmethisway.
Youhaven’tsoldanything,curiouseyes?
IlookaroundforsomeoneIknow,andIfindaboywhosometimesgoestooursoccerfieldtopracticewithus.Igivehimmoneytobuyallthebraceletsshehasonthetable.IstandandwatchfromadistanceasRaquel’sexpressionchangesfrompuresadnesstodisbelieftohappinessandexcitement.Shethankstheguyabunchoftimesandpasseshimabagwiththebracelets.
TheboybringsmethebraceletsandleaveswhileIstandthere,baginonehand,staringatthecuriousgirlwhosesmileIenjoywatching.
“Ares?”
Ireturntothemoment.Apolofurrowshisbrows,waitingforaresponsetosomethingIdidn’thear.HiseyesgofrommetoRaquel,andeverythingseemstoclickinhismind.
“She’sreallygotyoubad.”
Idon’tbothertodenyit,andDeanshakeshisheadasheputshishandonApolo’sshoulder.
“We’velosthim.”
“Iknow,andyoustillhavemetothank.It’sallthankstome.”
“Shhh!”IsilencehimbecauseIdon’twanthimtotellDeanaboutthebeginningofitall.Mymindtravelseasilytoanothermemory:
“Youwanttometodowhat?”Apolofurrowshisbrowsinconfusion.Isighuncomfortably.
“I’vealreadyexplained.”
“ButIdon’tunderstandwhyyouneedmetodothat.”
“Justdoit.”
“Andyouthinkshe’sgoingtobelieveme?Ares,sheknowswe’rewealthy.Howcanshebelievethatwedon’thaveinternet,andthatwe’restealinghers?”
“She’llbelieveyou.”
“Ifyouwanttotalktoher,whydon’tyoujustdoit?”
“Idon’twanttotalktoher,”Isay.Apoloraisesaneyebrow.
“Really?Whydon’tyougouptoherandtellheryou’restealingherWi-Fi?”
“BecauseIwanttoprolongthisaslongaspossible,makehersufferalittle,shedeservesitforstalkingme.”
Claudiawalksinwithabasketoffreshlylaunderedclothes.
“Oh,siblingplotting,”shesays,givingusalook.“Thisisnew.”
Apolodoesn’thesitatetobringherintotheconversationeventhoughIgestureathimtoshutup.
“Areswantstousemetotalktothegirlnextdoor,”hetellsher.Claudialaughsalittle.
“Ohreally?Doyouneednewvictims,Hidalgo?”sheteases.Igivethembothamurderouslook.
“It’snotaboutthat,”Isaydefensively.
“So,what’sitallabout?”sheasks,puttingthebasketonthebed.Iignoreher,lookingatApolo.
“Areyougoingtohelpmeornot?”
Apolostandsup.“Okay,I’lldoittonight.”AndheleavestheroombeforeIcansayanythingtohim.
Claudiaarrangesmyclothesonmyshelvesinsilence,asmiledancingonherlips.
“What?”Iask.“Sayit.”
“Ihavenothingtosay.”Shekeepssmiling.
“Saywhatyouwanttosay,”Isigh.
Shefinishesherchoreandturnstome,holdingtheemptybasketagainstherhip.
“I’mgladyoufinallydecidedtotalktoher.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
Claudialicksherlips,smiling.Idon’tunderstandwhatshefindssoamusing.
“Webothknowyoudo.It’sbeensomuchfunseeingyoutwomutuallywatchingeachother.Ialwaysthoughtshe’dbetheonetotalktoyoufirst,but,apparently,youcouldn’ttakeitanymore.”
“You’retalkingnonsense.Mutuallywatchingeachother?AsifIneededthat.”
Claudianods.Herfacewearsanexpressionofmockerythatannoysmealittle
“Whateveryousay,Hidalgo,butaskingApoloforhelpshowshowinterestedyouare.”
“You’recrazy,Claudia.It’snotwhatyouthink.Ijustwanttoteachheralesson.”
“Sincewhendoyouinvestyourtimeandenergyintoteachingagirlalesson?Whyplanitsocarefully?”
“I’mnotgoingtohavethisconversationwithyou.”
Claudiabowsinmockery.
“Asyousay,sir.”
Andsheleaves,stillsmiling.
IsmileatthatmemoryasmyeyeslandonRaquelagain.Maybeittookmesolongtotalktoher,toconfronther,becauseIknewshewouldbetheonetomakemefeelthisway,theonetoholdmyheartinherhands.MaybeIknewitfromthebeginningandthat’swhyIfoughtagainstitsohard.Evenwhilekeepingmydistance,thebagwithherhandmadebraceletswasalwaysundermybedasaphysicalreminderthatthegirlwhosawmethroughherwindowhadsmiledbecauseofme,andthatsmilewouldbeetchedinmymemoryforever.FIFTY-THREETheDance–RAQUEL–
Aresreturnsasthey’regettingreadytosingmybirthdaysong.Itwasgettinglate,soweallmovedinsidethehouse,andwe’rescatteredaroundthelivingroom.Istandinfrontofthecake,andhestandsontheothersideofthetable.EveryonestartssingingwhileIawkwardlystareatthecandles,notknowingwheretolook.Finally,Ifocusonthoseblueeyes,andthevoicesfadearoundme.Helookssobeautifulinthedark,withthelightsfromthecandlesonmycakeilluminatinghisface.
Iloveyou…
Iwanttosayit,butIknowtherearetoomanyeyesonme.
Iblowoutthecandles,andeveryoneapplaudsandcongratulatesme.Arestakesastepback,disappearingintothecrowd.Ireceivehugs,kisses,andcongratulations,whilemyeyessearchfortheGreekgodwithoutsuccess.Wherehashegone?Mostofmyauntssufferfromcakesickness,whichmeansthatwhenthesongissungandthey’vehadapieceofcake,it’stheircuetogotosleep.Thepartyisoverforthem.
Mycousinstakeadvantageofthistoputondifferentmusiconcewe’realone.Whistlingandcheering,theystartdancing.Camilaturnsofftherestofthelights,leavingusinalmosttotaldarkness,whichmakesithardertofindAres.
Aftercheckingonesideofthe“dancefloor”withoutfindinghim,Ipassthroughthecrowd,brushingshouldersandbacks.Thevibeinthisgroupfeelselectric,almostsexual.InthemiddleofthemIstop,rememberingthatnightattheclub,whenAreswatchedmefromtheVIParealikeapredator.IrememberhowIlookedforhimafterthat.
I’vealwayschasedhim.I’vealwayssoughthimout.Maybenowit’shisturntoseekmeout.
Istartdancing,feelingtherhythm,whichissoftbutsosensual.Thelyricsarefullofsexualovertures.Idon’tnormallylistentothiskindofmusic,butit’sfuckingcatchyandgoodtodanceto.
IfeelhimbeforeIseehim.
HisbodyheatbrushesagainstmybackasIkeepmoving,myhandstakingtheendofmydressandliftingitupalittle,slowlyjiggling.Thedistinctivescentofhiscolognereachesme.EventhoughIknowAresistherebehindme,Idon’tturnaround,Ijustkeepteasinghim.Hisbreathcaressesthebackofmyneck,makingmebitemylowerlip.
Hishandsfallovermine,pullingmydressupslightlytopullitdownagain,caressingmythighsintheprocess,andthebrushofhisfingersagainstmyskinmakesmybreathingquicken.
Hepressesmeagainsthim,andIcanfeelhiswholebodyagainstmine.He’stheonewhoalwaystorturesme,andit’stimetogivehimsomeofthatback.Ipushmyassagainsthim,rubbing,tempting,upanddown,andI’mnotsurprisedathowhardheis.Arespresseshishandsovermine,growlingintothesideofmyneck.
Hebitesmyeargently.
“You’replayingwithfire,Witch.”
Well,yes,andIwanttoburn.
Oneofhishandsleavesmythightomoveupmybody,caressingmyabdomen.Istopbreathingwhenhereachesmybreasts,buthedoesn’ttouchthem,andI’mdyingforhimtodoso.Heknowsit.
Hisbreathingisheavyinmyear,sendingacurrentofarousalthroughoutmybody.Thehandstillonmythighmovesupinsidemydress,hisfingersbrushmeovermyunderwear,andIletoutamoan.
“Ares…”
Therubbingofourbodieshasbecomerougherandmoresexual,andI’mthankfulforthenoiseandthedarknessthatcamouflagesus.Withhishandhiddeninsidemydress,Aresmovesmyunderwearaside,andIstopbreathinginanticipation.Hisfingerprobes,slippingintomywetness.Ihearhimmoaninmyear.
“God,you’rekillingme.”
Hisfingerpenetratesme,andIfeelmylegsswoon.
Thisistoomuch.
Helicksmyneck,hisfingersdrivingmetomadness.Imoanwhenhepullshishandaway,buthegrabsmyhair,pullingmyheadbacksohecankissme.
“Weneedtogetoutofhere,”hemurmursagainstmylips.“OrIswearI’mgoingtofuckyourighthereinfrontofeveryone.”
Hetakesmebythehandanddragsmethroughthecrowdofpeople.Wewalkthroughthedarknessofmyhousequietly,asmostoftheadultsareasleep,andIthanktheheavensthatCamilaandCeciliahaven’tgonetosleepyetbecausetheywouldbeinmyroom.Whenwegetinside,IbarelymanagetolockthedoorbeforeArespushesmeagainstit,kissingmedesperately.
Hishandstraveltomybreastsandhefondlesthem,histhumbbrushingmynipplesthroughmydress.Istifleamoanofpleasureandtiltmyheadback.Hislipsleaveminetokissmyneck,mybreasts.Hishandsslipinsidemydresstopulldownmyunderwear.Istepoutofitand,myvisionblurredwithdesire,watchAreskneelinfrontofme,liftingmydress.
“Ares….What…?Ah…”hismouthfindsmeandmyheadfallsbackagainstthedoor.Aresliftsoneofmylegsoverhisshoulder,continuinghisattack,sucking,licking,andIcovermymouthtotrytocontrolmymoans.
Ican’tholdoutmuchlonger.
“Ares!”Imoanonthevergeoforgasm,andhecontinuesrelentlessly,takingmetotheedgeoftheabyss,andIfall.Streamsofpleasuremovethroughmybody,makingmetremble,closingmyeyes,anddrowningmymoansinthebackofmyhand.Thewavesoforgasmleavemewithmyheartracingandmybodysensitive.
Aresstandsup,and,beforeIcansayanythingtohim,hetakesmebythehandtothewindow,andturnsmetowarditwithhimbehindme.
“Takeoffyourdress.”Iobeyhim;Ilikeitwhenhegetsbossy.“Leanforward.”
Irestmyhandsonthethickglassoftheclosedwindow.Ibitemylip,leaningforward,exposingmyselfforhim,whichexcitesmeevenmore.
Ihearhimunzippinghispantsandtheanticipationisdrivingmecrazy.
“Thiswindowiswhereitallstarted,huh?”Ihearhimsay,andmyeyestraveltothatplasticchairintheyardofhishouse.“Fromhere,youarguedwithmethatnightandlookatyounow.”Hishandcaressesmyass.“Exposed,wet,eagerlywaitingformetofuckyou.”HegivesmealittlespankthatmakesmejumpbecauseIwasn’texpectingit.Hishandgripsmyhair,liftingmyface,andIseemyreflectioninthewindowglass,naked,vulnerable.
Icanseehimbehindme,nakedfromthewaistdown,hisshirtbarelycoveringhim.IcanseeallofhimandIlickmylips.Aresleansovermetomurmurinmyear.
“Begmetofuckyou.”
I’msoturnedonthatI’mnotashamedtobeg.
“Pleasefuckme,Ares,Iwant…”
Hedoesn’tletmefinishandpenetratesmewithasinglethrust,stealingasmallscreamfromme.
Myhandsslipalittleontheglassashegrabsmyhipstogetasdeepashecan.
“OhGod,Ares.”
ItfeelssogoodIcanbarelystandup.Withonehandonmyhip,heusestheothertocaressmybreasts,intensifyingthesensationsallovermybody.Beingabletoseemyreflection,andseeinghimtherebehindmefuckingme,isthesexiestthingI’veeverseeninmylife,in,out,in,out.Thefeelingofskinonskin,ofhishotmanhoodinsidemywetnessiswonderful.
Hisfingersdigintomyhips,andhismovementsbecomemoredesperateandclumsier.Iknowhe’sclosetocoming,whichpushesmetowardmysecondorgasm.
Iwatchhimclosehiseyes,feelhimgetevenharderinsideme,andwecometogether,moaningandshuddering.That’swhereitallstarted,mybreathingoutofcontrol,myeyeslookingthroughthewindow.FIFTY-FOURTheGrandpa–ARES–
Watchinghersleeprelaxesme.
ItgivesmeasenseofpeaceandsecuritythatIneverthoughtanyonecouldprovide.Irunthebackofmyfingersacrosshercheekgently,notwantingtowakeher,thoughIknowitwouldtakemuchmorethanasimpletouchforthat.Raquelisexhausted.Ileftherexhausted.Acockysmileformsonmylips,andIwishshecouldseeitsoshecouldjokeorteasemeaboutit.
Iknowshewouldsaysomethinglike,arrogantGreekgod.
Shelookssovulnerableandbeautifulinhersleep.Hertransparency,theeasewithwhichIcanreadher,isoneofthethingsthatdrewmetoher.Ididn’thavetoworryaboutulteriormotives,lies,orfalsefeelings.Sheisforreal,soclear,andobviouswitheverythingshefeels.That’sexactlywhatI’vealwaysneeded:clarityandhonesty.It’swhyIcanexposemyselfinthiswayandallowmyselftofollowmyfeelings,releasethem,andopenmyhearttoher.
Ileanoverandkissherforehead.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhisper.Shestirsalittlebutstaysasleep.Watchinghersleepmakesmefeelalittlestalker-ish,remindingmeofourbeginnings.
Mylittlestalkerwitch.
TheonewhothoughtIdidn’tknowshewasstalkingme.AllthosetimesIactedlikeIdidn’tknowshewaswatching…
Aknockonthedoorbringsmebacktoreality.IcoverRaquelcompletelywiththesheetandgetup,dressingquickly,butIcan’tfindmyshirt,soIopenthedoorwithoutit.Twogirls,whomIrecognizeasRaquel’scousins,butwhosenamesIcan’tremember,lookpetrifiedwhentheyseemestandingthere.Theireyesrunupanddownmynakedtorsoshamelessly.Oneofthemblushes,sharingaglancewiththeother.
“Mygoodness,you’resohot,”sheexclaims.
“Cecilia!”Theothergirlscoldsher.Ceciliabitesherlip.
“I’mjusttellingthetruth,Camila.Heknowshe’shot,sowhydenythatwe’redazzled?”sheasks.Iignorehercompliment.
“Iimagineyou’rethecousinswhoaresleepinginRaquel’sroom,”Isaydrily.Camilanods.
“Yeah,we’resorrytointerrupt,”shesays.Igiveherapolitenodinreturn.
“Don’tworry,comein,”Ioffer,andCeciliafollowsmeintotheroom.“Iwasjustleaving.Ineedtofindmyshirt.”
“What’sthepoint?”sheasks.“Youlookperfectwithoutit.”
Camilagrabsherarm.
“Cecilia!”Shegivesmeanapologeticlook.“I’msorry,Cecihashadtoomuchtodrink.”
“Don’tworry,”Imutter.IpickupmyshirtfromthefloorandleanovertogiveRaquelashortkissonthecheekbeforeputtingitbackon.“Don’twakeherup.She’sexhausted,andit’sbeenalongdayforher.”
“Okay,”Camilaagrees.
“Goodnight,”Isay.Iwalkoutintothehallwayandheadforthestairs.
“Ares,”Ihearoneofthemshoutfrombehindme.Istopandturntoseewho’scallingme.Ceciliawalkstowardmeslowly,smiling.
“I…”
“What?”Idemand.Myvoicetakesonitsusualicy,defensivetone.
“Idon’tunderstand,”Ceciliasays.“Youandher,itdoesn’tmakesense.”
ThisgirlhasnoideahowcoldandbrutallyhonestIcanbe.She’sonlyseenmysweetside;theonethatonlycomesoutwithRaquelandnooneelse.
“Youdon’thavetounderstand.Ithasnothingtodowithyou.”
“Iknow…”Shetakesanothersteptowardme.“Butyou’rejustsoperfect…andshe’sso…”
“Stop.”Iwarnher.“Beverycarefulaboutwhatyousayabouther.”
“Iwasn’tgoingtosayanythingbad.”Shepouts.
“Thetruthis,I’mnottheleastbitinterestedinwhatyouhavetosay,”Icutheroffandleave.“Goodnight.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellme?”Raquelhasherhandsonherhips.Shelooksupset.“Ares?”
“Idon’tknow,”Ireply.
It’safewdaysafterherbirthdayparty,andwe’refinallyaloneagaininherroom.Thebadnewshadcomeinvariousforms:e-mailsandrejectionletters.Themainreasontheygavewasthatthedeadlineforscholarshipshadpassed,andthatthespotswerealreadytakenbypeoplewhohadappliedontime.
RaquelhadfoundoutfromApolobecauseIhadn’ttoldherwhenIstartedgettingresponses.Ididn’tknowhowtotellher.Ihadgivenuphope,butshehadn’t.Ididn’twanttotakethatawayfromher.
Ican’tlie,therejectionmakesmesad,butmyconsolationisknowingthatatleastI’llbeabletoattendthesameuniversityasher.I’llbemiserablestudyingbusiness,butatleastI’llbemiserablenexttoher.
“Areyoumadatme?”Iask.Raquelsighsandputsherhandsaroundmyneck.
“No,”shesays,givingmeashortkiss.“I’msosorryitdidn’tworkout,butwe’llfiguresomethingout.”
“Raquel…”Ishakemyheadather.
Hereyesmeetmine.“No,don’teventhinkaboutgivingup.”
“DoyouthinkIwanttogiveup?Butwecan’tclingtononexistenthopeseither.”
“Didyoutrytalkingtoyourgrandfather?”
“Whatfor?Healreadytoldmehewon’tgetbetweenmeandmyfather.”
“Gobackandtalktohim,”shepleads.Ishakemyhead.“Ares,he’syourlastresort.Pleasetryagain.”
“Idon’twanttoberejectedagain,”Iadmit,loweringmyhead.Raquelholdsmyface,forcingmetolookather.
“Onelasttry.Please?”sheasksagain.Ikisshersoftly,myfingerstracinghercheeksslowly.WhenIstepback,Ismileather.
“Onelasttry.”
GrandpaHidalgodoesn’tseemsurprisedtoseeme.He’ssittinginmyfather’sstudy.Claudiaissittingnexttohim,laughingatsomething.
“Hello,”Isayalittlenervously.“Howareyou,Grandpa?”Hesmilesatme.
“Somedaysarebetterthanothers,that’showoldageworks,”hereplies.Itakeaseatinthechairontheothersideofthetable.“Claudia,mydear.CanyouaskmysonandArtemistocomeinhereforamoment?”
He’scallingmyfatherandArtemis?Whatfor?Thisisnotgoingtoendwell.Claudiaexits,closingthedoorbehindher.
“Grandpa,I…”Ipause,thinkingofhowtobegin.Heraiseshishand.
“Iknowwhyyou’rehere.”
Iopenmymouthtospeak,butmyfatherwalksin,followedbyArtemis.
“What’sup,Dad?We’rebusy.Wehaveavideoconferenceintenminutes.”Myfathergivesmeaquickglancebutdoesn’tsayanything.Artemislooksconfused.
“Cancelit,”Grandpaorders,smiling.Myfatherprotests.
“Dad,it’simportant,we’re…”
“Cancelit!”Mygrandparaiseshisvoice,surprisingus.Artemisandmyfathershareaglance,andDadnods,soArtemismakesthecalltocancel.Theybothsitofftotheside,alittledistanceawayfromGrandpaandme.
“Whathappensnow?”myfatheraskswithasigh.Grandpatakesamomenttoregainhiscomposure.
“DoyouknowwhyAresishere?”heasks,hisvoicebacktohisnormaltone.Myfathergivesmeacoldlook.
“Iguesstoaskforyourhelpagain,”hesays.Grandpanods,promptingArtemistospeakup.
“WhichIimaginehasannoyedyoubecauseyou’vealreadytoldhimno,”heinterjects.
“There’snoneedforthis,Grandpa,”Isay,standingup.“Igetit.”
“Sitdown.”Idon’tdarechallengehim,soIsitbackdown.Mygrandpaturnsslightlytowardmyfatherandbrother.“Thisconversationisfarmoreimportantthanwhateverstupidbusinessyouareconducting.Familyismoreimportantthananybusiness,andyouseemtohaveforgottenthat.”
Nobodysaysanything,soGrandpacontinues.
“Butdon’tworry,I’mheretoremindyou.Areshasalwayshaditall.He’sneverhadtofightforanything.He’sneverworkedinhislife.Hecametomeforhelp,andIturnedhimdowntoseeifhewouldgiveupthefirsttime,butheexceededmyexpectations.Thiskidhasbeenworkingdayandnight,beggingforscholarshipsandapplicationsformonths,fightingforwhathewants.”
Artemisandmyfatherlookatmewithidenticalexpressionsofsurprise.
“Areshasnotonlyearnedmysupport;hehasearnedmyrespect.”Grandpalooksmestraightintheeye,andmychestfeelstight.“I’msoproudofyou,Ares.I’mproudthatyoubearmynameandcarrymyblood.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay.
Grandpa’ssmilefadesashisgazefallsonmyfather.
“Iamverydisappointedinyou,Juan.Familylegacy?MaydeathcomeformeifIeverthoughtthatfamilylegacywassomethingmaterial.Familylegacyisloyalty,support,caring,passingonallthosepositivecharacteristicsforallgenerationstocome.Familylegacyisnotadamncompany.”Thesilencethatfollowsisagonizing,butmygrandpahasnoproblemfillingit.“Thefactthatyouhavebecomeaworkaholictoavoiddealingwithyourwife’sinfidelitiesdoesnotgiveyoutherighttomakeyourchildrenasunhappyasyouare.”
Myfatherclencheshisfists.
“Dad.”
Grandpashakeshishead.“Whatashame,Juan,thatyoursonbeggedyouforsupport,andyouturnedyourbackonhim.IneverthoughtIwouldbesodisappointedinyou.”GrandpaturnshisgazeandgesturestowardArtemis.“Youmadehimstudysomethinghehated.You’vedoneeverythingyoucouldtomakehimlikeyou,andlookathim.Doyouthinkhe’shappy?”
Artemisopenshismouth,butGrandparaiseshishand.
“Shutup,son,eventhoughyou’rejusttheproductofyourfather’sbadparenting,I’malsoupsetwithyouforturningyourbackonyourbrother,fornotstandingupandsupportinghim.Ifeelsorryforbothofyou,andthesearenotthemomentsIwantanyonetoassociatewithourfamilyname.”Artemisandmyfatherlowertheirheads.Mygrandpa’sacceptanceissomethingextremelyimportanttothem.“Ihopeyoucanlearnsomethingfromthisandimprove.Ihavefaithinyou.”
Iamstruckbythesadnessinmyfather’sandArtemis’sexpressions.
Grandpalooksatmeagain.“IstartedyourenrollmentprocessformedicalschoolattheUniversityyoutoldApoloabout.”Grandpahandsmeawhiteenvelope.“It’sabankaccountinyourname,withenoughfundstopayforyourdegree,collegeexpenses,andinsidearekeystotheapartmentIboughtnearcampusforyou.Youhavemyfullsupport.I’monlysorryyouhadtoseeyourownfatherturnhisbackonyou.Thegoodthingaboutallofthisisthatyouexperiencednothavingitallandhavingtoworkforwhatyouwant.You’llmakeagreatdoctor,Ares.”
Ican’tmove.I’mspeechless.OfallthescenariosI’dimagined,thisonehadnevercrossedmymind.
Grandpashakeshishandsandslowlystandsup.
“Well,that’sit.I’llgogetsomerest,”heconcludesandleavestheroom.Withhisheaddown,myfatherwalksoutbehindhim.I’mstillsittingtherewiththeenvelopeinmyhand,processingeverything,whenArtemisstandsupandfacesme.
“I’msorry,”hesays,lookingmeintheeyes.Myolderbrotherhasrarelysaidthosewordstome.Herunshishandoverhisface.“I’mreallysorry,andI’mgladthatyoucanfollowyourdream.Youdeserveit,Ares.”Asadsmilecrosseshisface.“YouhaveastrengththatIdidn’t.Grandpaisrighttoadmireyou.”
“It’snevertoolatetochangeyourlife,Artemis.”
Heshakeshishead.
“It’stoolateforme.Goodluck,brother.”Andwiththathewalksaway,leavingmealone.
Idon’tknowhowtofeel.Myemotionsaresojumbled,butIrecognizethemainoneaspurehappiness.
Imadeit.
I’mgoingtobeadoctor.
I’llstudywhatIwantandI’llsavelives.
Theonlythingthatdullsmyhappinessisthethoughtofthegirlwaitingformycalltotellherwhathappened.ThegirlIlove,andtheonewhowillbemilesawayfrommeoncethesemesterstarts.
Grandpaiswrongaboutonlyonething,I’veneverhaditall,andthistimeseemstobenoexception.FIFTY-FIVETheProm-RAQUEL–
Bittersweet…
That’showthenewsfeelswhenArestellsmewhathappenedwithhisgrandpa.I’mhappyforhim,eventhoughtheselfishpartofmeiskindofsad.
Nowit’sreal:we’regoingtobeseparated.Justimaginingbeingawayfromhimmakesmychestfeeltight,cuttingoffmybreath.YetIknowit’shisdream.Iknowit’swhathewants,andIwouldneverdoanythingtostophim.
Butboy,doesithurt.
“Raquel?Areyoulisteningtome?”
Dani’svoicesoundsfarawayeventhoughshe’srightnexttome.
“Ah,sorry,mymindiselsewhere.”
“It’sourpromday,trytobepresent.”Shetouchesherforeheadtoemphasizethatmymindneedstostopspinningandenjoythisday.Partofmecan’tbelievethatmysenioryearofhighschooliscomingtoanend,andthatsummerishereagain,heraldingalmostayearsinceIfirstspoketoAres.
“Mylove!”Ihearfrombehindme,andIdon’thavetoturnaroundtoknowwhoitis.Danirollshereyes.
“Herecomesyourintenseprince,”sheteasesasstrongarmsgrabmefrombehind.
“MyJuliet,mybeautiful,myeverything,”Carloswhispersdramatically.Ipullhisarmsoffmeandfacehim.
“Carlos,whathaveItoldyouabouthuggingmeallthetime?”
IfAresknew…
Carlospouts.“Buthuggingisanormalthingbetweenfuturespouses.”
“Futurespouses….Yougetcraziereveryday.”Danirollshereyesandgrabshimbytheearasusual.
“Ow!”Carlosgroansinpainbutstillmanagestomakeeyesather.“Crazierwithlove,youmean.”Danisqueezeshisearagain.“Ow!Ow!”
“You’resocheesy.”Daniletshimgo,falselyretching.Carlosrubshisear.
“Howareyouspendingpromday?”Iask,leaningmybackagainstmylocker.
“Itfeelslikeanyotherday,”hereplies.
Danisighsandgivesmeasadlook.Carlostakesourhands.
“Don’tworry.It’llbegreat,”hereassuresus,makingmesmile.Carlosissuchasweetandcontagiouslycheerfulperson.Ireallywillmisshim.
Nostalgiahitsmebysurprise.Inafewweeks,there’llbenomoreofthesehallways,nomoreofmylifelongclassmates,nomoreofCarlos’scraziness,andnomoreconversationsinclassbeforetheteacherarrives.It’sreallycomingtoanend.NotonlywillIbeleavinghighschool,butI’llbeleavingthistowntoliveintheresidencehallsonacollegecampus.I’mleavingallofthisbehind,andapartofmeisterrified.Luckily,DaniandYoshiaregoingtothesameschoolasme.Iwon’tbeseparatedfromthem.I’lljusthavetoseparatefromhim.
MyGreekgod…
Ipushthosethoughtsaway.They’retoopainful.
Carlosclearshisthroat.
“Iknowit’sasillyquestion,butwillyougotopromwithme?”heasks.Igivehimafriendlysmile.
“Carlos…”
Danislipsanarmaroundmyshoulder,huggingmesideways.
“I’msorry,Casanova,she’salreadycomingwithme.”
DaniandIdecidedtobeeachother’sdatewhenwerealizedwedidn’thaveone.Areshastoattendhisownhighschoolprom,notours.
Carlosgrunts.
“Ah,don’ttellmeyou’regoingtodothatbestfriendthing,howboring,”hecomplains.Danismilesmischievouslyathim.
“Well,yes,neitherofushasapartnertogowith,soit’sdone.”
Carlosmakeseyesatme.IgiveDaniakissonthecheekandlookathim.
“I’msorry.I’mherbitchtonight.”
“Iknewyouguyshadahiddenrelationship,”hesays.
Atthatmoment,Joshuajoinsus,adjustinghisglasses.
“Joshua!”Carlosgrabshimbytheshouldersdramatically.“They’regoingtopromtogether.Tellthemnotto.TellRaqueltogowithme.”
Yoshisighs,placinghishandsoverCarlos’s.
“Carlos,Idon’tknowifyourememberthatshehasaboyfriend.Tallguy?Captainofasoccerteam?AndI’mprettysurehe’llkickyourassifyougowithher.”
“I’mnotafraidofhim,”Carlossays,lettinggoofYoshi.“Lovemakesmebold.”
Yoshipatshimontheshoulder.
“You’llbeprettybeatenupifyougowithher.”
Danimovesawayfromthewallwhereshewasleaning.
“Classisfinallyover.It’stimetogo,wehavetogetreadyfortonight.”
“Forwhat?”Carlospouts.“Youdon’thaveaboytoimpress.”
“Wedon’tneedone,”shesayswithdetermination.“Wedon’thavetogetourselvesprettyjusttoimpressaguy;weenjoylookinginthemirrorandadmiringourownbeauty.”
“Oh,someonewentdeep,”Carlossays.Yoshinodsinagreement.
Wesaygood-byetotheboysandwalkdownthehallwaytowardtheexit.It’stimetogetreadyforprom.
“Ohhhhhh!”DaniandIsingatthetopofourlungsinthemiddleofthedancefloor.Thatredcocktaildefinitelyhasalcoholinit.Idon’tknowhowtheymanagedtosneakitin,butI’mnotcomplaining.
It’sourfuckingprom.
Danisingstomeandoffersmeherredplasticcupforatoast.Mybestfriendlookswonderfulinalow-cutblackdressthatmatchesherdarkhair,andgreatmakeup.I’vealwaysadmiredhercheekbonesandherfacialstructure;herfaceissocompelling.It’snowondershe’shadacoupleofmodelingjobswithhermom’sagency.Daniwasbornforit.
Formypart,I’mwearingareddressthat’stightinthewaistandfitsmyhipsnicely,butit’sloosefromthereondown.
Wegrabtheedgesofourdressestojigglebetter.We’recrazy,butwe’rehavingagreattime.DanipicksupherphoneandrecordsaSnapchatorInstagramstoryofusdancing,showingoffourglasseswithabunchofhashtags,amongthose#WeDontNeedBoys,#AlcoholAtProm,and#OoopsWeDidItAgain.IlaughasIwatchherputhercellphonedowntosendit;however,herexpressionchangesasshelooksatherphone,hereyebrowsalmostknittingtogether.Hereyesmeetmine,andIgiveherthewhat’s-uplook.
Sheclicksonsomeone’sInstagramstoryandhandsmeherphone.ThefirstthingIseeisAres’sface.Helooksperfectinthesuithe’swearing,withadarkcoloredtiethatyoucan’tquiteseeinthephotobecauseit’sdarkwhereheis.Inothercircumstances,Iwouldhaveenjoyedachancetolookathim,butnowithastheoppositeeffect,andIfeelmygoodmoodevaporate.
He’snotalone.
Natalieisnexttohim,andtheylooktooclosetoeachotherformytaste,theircheeksalmosttouchinginordertoappearintheselfie.Herhashtagsonlymakethesituationworse:#WithTheHidalgo,#FutureDoctor,#HotterThanEver,and#WhatHappensHereStaysHere.Ifeelheatwashovermyface,andmystomachclencheswithwhatIrecognizeasjealousy.Danireachesovertoscreaminmyearoverthemusic.
“I’msureshediditonpurpose.”
Oh,Iknowshedid,butI’mstillseething.Jealousyissonasty.Itfuelsmyimaginationanddifferentimagesofthetwoofthemkissing,touching,anddancingtogethercrossmymind.IshakemyheadbecauseI’msurethatwon’thappen,andItrusthim.However,Ican’tdenythediscomfortIfeelbecauseIknowtheyhaveahistorytogether.
Weleavethedancefloor,andIgrabmyphone.
Don’tactimmature,Raquel,IthinkasIcomposeatexttoAres.
Me:Howareyoudoing?
Hedoesn’treplyimmediatelyandthatbothersmeevenmore.Hemustbehavingsuchagoodtimethathe’snotrespondingtome.God,Ihavetostopthinkinglikethat.
Myphonevibrateswitharesponse:
Ares<3:Cool,Ionlyneedyouheretomakeeverythingperfect.
Me:Whoareyouwith?
Ares<3:Withtheentireschool…?
Hissarcasmdoesn’tmakemelaugh,butIdon’tknowhowtoaskhimexactlywhohe’swithwithoutsoundingintense.Idon’tanswerhim,andhetextsmeagain:
Ares<3:We’realmostoutofheretogototheafter-party.
Theafter-partywillbeatAres’shouse,ofcourse.Idon’tanswerhimbecauseIknowIhavetotrusthim,andIthinkhe’llnoticemydiscomfortifItalktohimrightnow.Idecidetopushtheimageofthemtogetherawayfrommymindandfocusonhavingagoodtimewithmyfriends.Westartdancingasagroup,takingturnstomovetothemiddleandshowoffourdancingskills,whicharenotverygood,butwiththediscolightsonuswelooklikeexperts.
Imustsaythatwhoeverisaddingalcoholintowhatissupposedtobethefruitcocktailisgoingalittleoverboard;it’sgettingstrongerandstronger.I’mafraidthatoneofthechaperonswilltryit,andwe’llgetintrouble.However,thatworrydisappearswiththefourthglass.
Afterawhile,myphonevibratesinmyhand.
Incomingcall:Ares<3
Iturnawayfromthemusicandwalkoutofthegymintoaquiethallway.SeeinghisnameonthescreenremindsmeofthatpicturewithNatalieagain.Swallowingwithdifficulty,Ianswer.
“Hello?”
“Hey,everythingokay?”
“Meh,yes.”Myvoicesoundsstrained.
“You’veneverbeengoodatlying,Witch.”
“I’mfine.”
“Youknowhowyoutendtotwistyourlipstothesidewhensomethingbothersyou?”Thatmakesmefrown.“You’redoingitrightnow,”hesays,andIlookuptoseehimwalkingtowardmedownthedimlylithallway.Ifhe’sbeautifulinplainclothes,inasuitandtiehelooksoutofthisworld.
Arestakesthecellphonefromhisearandgivesmeasmile.It’snotloadedwithmischieforarrogance.It’sagenuinesmile,anditdisarmsme.HelookssohappytoseemethatIforgetaboutNatalieoranyofmydoubts.
Helovesme.It’swrittenalloverhisface,inhiseyes,inhissmile.AndIfeelfoolishfordoubtingthatforasecond,andallbecauseofasinglephoto.WhatheandIfeelissogenuineandpure.Hereacheshishandtomyfaceandgivesmeashortkisstowhisperagainstmylips:“Youlookbeautiful.”
“You’renotbadyourself,”Iadmit.
“Whathappened?”Histhumbstrokesmycheek.“Whatupsetyou?”
Honestly,nothingbothersmeanymore;Ionlycareabouthimandthismoment.So,Istandonmytiptoes,grabhistie,andkisshim,takinghimbysurprise.It’snotagentlekiss.It’sakisswhereIletoutallmyfeelings,allthislovethatconsumesme.Itdoesn’ttakehimlongtokeepupwithme,ourmouthsmovingtogether,ourbreathquickening.
Whenweseparate,Itakehimbythehandtoanemptyclassroomononesideofthehallwayandclosethedoorbehindme.Areswatchesme,amusedandhungryformykisses,forme.Bitingmylowerlip,Ifacehimwiththeteacher’sdeskrightbehindme.Aresdoesn’tdissimulate;Iknowthisisturninghimonasmuchasme.Hiseyesscanmeinanunabashedway.
“Almostthelastdayofhighschool,”hesays,grabbingmyhips.“Andyou’veneverfuckedinthisplace.”Heliftsmeup,sothatI’msittingonthedesk,andmovesbetweenmylegs,histhumbcaressingmymouth.“That’sabouttochange,Witch.”
Hislipsfallonmineinapossessivebutoverwhelminganddeliciouskiss.FIFTY-SIXTheLastParty-ARES–
“Spreadyourlegs,”Igrowlagainstherlips.It’snotarequestbutacommand.Betweenkisses,shehasmanagedtoclosethem,keepingmeslightlyaway,pressedagainstherknees.Shethinksitcanstopme.Igrabherhair,myeyesmeetinghers.Icanseetheamusementinhergaze,she’schallengingme.
“Spreadyourlegs,Witch,”Irepeat,pressingmyhandintoherhair.Shesmilesatme.
“No.”
Ikissheragain,mymouthrelentlesslyonhers,claimingher,leavingherpanting.Shelikestoteaseme,tochallengeme,andshelikesitwhenIlosecontrolandgiveittoherrough.SoIslipmyfreehandbetweenherlegsasshestrugglestotryandclosethem,squeezingmyhand,butIreachherpantiesandmyfingerbrushesoverthem,stealingamoanfromher.
Ileaveherlipstomovedowntoherbreasts,suckingandbitingthemthroughherdress.Iusemyfingertopullherpantiesasideandtouchhertheredirectlywithmythumb.
“Oh,Ares.”Shebendsherheadback.
“Doyouthinkyoucanresistme?”Iaskher,eventhoughIknowshecan’t.HerwetnessisalltheanswerIneed.
“Yes,Ican,”shewhispersbetweengasps.Iraiseaneyebrow,whilefreeingherhairandusingbothhandstoremoveherunderwear.
“No,Ares,”sheteases,butshedoesn’tputupanyresistanceatall.Shelikestoplaythisgame,theattemptatresistance,onlytobefuckedhard.Abruptly,Iforceherlegsopen,andsheshudders.Igrabthebackofherkneesandpullheruntilsheisontheedgeofthetable,openandexposedtome.
Thescentofherarousalisdeliciousandalmostmakesmefuckherrightthere,butIholdback.Iwanthertobeg.Ikneelinfrontofher,andshecriesoutwhenmymouthmakescontactwithher.Idevourherunceremoniouslywithoutstopping.Hermoansechothroughoutthedarkroom,excitingmeevenmore.Hermoansaremyfavoritesoundafterhervoice.Herlegsshakeonmyshoulders.
Moan,shudder,andbegforme,Witch.
Yourpleasurefillsmeininexplicableways.
Youareeverythingtome.
IcanfeelhershakingandIknowherorgasmisnear,soIstopandstandup,leavingherhanging.Oureyesmeet,andhersarepleading.Herbrownhairlooksblackinthisdarkness.Irunmythumbacrossmylowerlip,wipingitclean.
Shedoesn’tmove,doesn’tcloseherlegs,shejuststaresatme.Itakemytimeunbuttoningmyshirtandshewatchesaseachbuttoncomesoff,exposingme.AsItakeitoff,herhandsrunovermychest,downtomyabs.
“You’resosexy,AresHidalgo,”shemurmurs,surrendering.IgrabherhandandpushitdowntomypantssoshecanfeelhowhardIam.Shesqueezesmelightlyandmakesmegrunt.Ohno,she’snotgoingtohavepoweroverme,nottonight.Islipbetweenherlegs,bringingourfacescloser.
“Begmetofuckyou,Witch.”Shegivesmeamischievoussmile.
“WhatifIdon’t?”
“You’llgobacktothatpartywetandunsatisfied,”Itellher.Shebitesmylowerlip.
“You’llsuffertoo.”
Istepbackfromherandunbuttonmypants.
“No.”
“Areyougivingup?”sheasks,raisinganeyebrow.Ishakemyhead,lettingmypantsfalltotheflooralongwithmyboxers,andbegintotouchmyself.Herhungryeyeslookatmewithdesire.Ibrushagainstherwetentrancebutdon’tpenetrateher,andIstepback.
Sheopenshermouthtoprotestbutthenclosesitagain,fightingwithallherbeing.Shedoesn’twanttolose.I’llmakeitharderforherthen.Ibegintoplaybetweenherlegs,herwetnessslippingfrommyfingers,andshecloseshereyes,moaning.
“Begme,Witch.”Sheshakesherhead.
“I…Oh,Ares.”
“Iknowyouwanttobegme,”Imurmur,movingmyfingersfaster.“Iknowyouwanttofeelmeinsideyou,fuckingyou,hard,overandoveragain.”
IknowshelikesitwhenItalktoherlikethis.Itturnsheron,andI’mcrazyaboutherreactiontomywords.Ikissheragain,usingmytongueinsidehermouthtoletherknowhowmuchIwanther.Asinglepleafromherwillbeenoughformetoburymyselfinherandendthistorture.Whenweseparatetobreathe,sheremovesmyhandfromherwetnessandwithwideeyessaysit.
“Pleasefuckme,Ares.”Herwordssendacurrentofdesirecoursingdownmybodytomymanhood.
“Sayitagain,”Idemand.Sheputsherhandsaroundmyneckandwhispersinmyear.
“Pleasefuckmehard,Ares.”
Shedoesn’thavetoaskagain.Igrabherwaistandpullhertome,herlegsaroundmyhips.Ithrustintoherwithasinglemove,andachokedcryleavesherlips.She’ssohotandwetthatthesensationleavesmemotionlessforamoment.
Irecoverandattackherneck,beginningtomovequicklyinandoutofher.Raquelleansback,supportingherselfwithherarmsbehindher.
“OhGod,yes,Ares,Iloveit,more,please.”
Iholdontoherhipstospeeduptherhythm.Icanseeeverythingandthatturnsmeon.I’mavisualman,soIlovepositionswhereIcanseeeverything.
Raquelmoansuncontrollably.
“That’sthewayyoulikeit,huh?Hard?”Shekeepsmoaning.“You’remine,Raquel,”Itellher,“andI’mfuckingyours.”
“Yes!”Shegrabsmyneckagain,andherhandsmovedownmybackuntilIfeelhernailsdiggingintomyskin.“Faster!”shepleads,andIgrowlwithdesire,obeying.
Nibblingonherneck,Ikeepmoving,feelinghercompletely.Iburymyselfandlosemyselfinher.Isqueezeherhipssohardthatshewinces,thoughIknowshelovestomakemelosecontrol.
Myrhythmgrowsrelentlessandfast,andIcanfeelhergettingevenwetter.Herorgasmisgettingcloserandthatonlybringsmeclosertomine.Hermoansbecomeevenlouder.Herwordsbolderandmoresexual,andthat’sallIneedtocomeinsideher,withher.Ourorgasmsrage,leavingusbreathlessandinabsolutepleasure.
Irestmyforeheadonhers.Hereyesareclosed.
“Raquel.”Sheopenshereyesandlooksatmeandthenithappens,thatbigdifference,thatconnectionthatburnsbetweenthetwoofus.“Iloveyousomuch.”Thewordsleavemymouth,shealwaysmakesmesocheesy.
“Iloveyou,too,GreekGod,”shesaysbreathlessly.
Wegetdressedandwalkoutintothelonelyhallwaybacktothegym,wherepromisstillinfullswing.Raquelwalksawkwardlyanduncomfortably,andasmirkdancesonmylips.Shenoticesandfurrowsherbrows.
“Enjoyit,youidiot.”
Iplayinnocent.“What’swrong?Can’tyouwalk?”
“Don’tstart,”shethreatens,givingmealightpunchonthearm.Igrabherhand.
“Youdeserveditforprovokingme,”Isay.Shesnorts.Runningmythumbacrosshercheek,Ireachupandkisshersoftly,enjoyingeverylittlebrushofourlips.WhenIpullaway,Ikisshernose.
“Comeon,Witch,timetogetbacktothedance,andleteveryoneknowthatyourboyfriendjustgaveyouthefuckofyourlife.”Iwinkather,andshetapsmeontheshoulder.
“You’restillanidiot,GreekGod.”
“Anidiotyoubegtofuckyou.”
“Shutup!”
Smiling,weenterthegym.
–RAQUEL–
Ouch
Ithurtstowalk.Ineverbelieveditwhenguyssaid,“I’llfuckyouuntilyoucan’twalkproperly,”butnow,thankstoAres,Iknowthetruth.He’swalkingaroundwithanarrogantexpression.
Igivehimakillerlook,towhichherespondswithawinkashecontinuestalkingtoJoshua.AresandJoshuahavebeengettingalonggreatlately,andI’mhappyaboutit.There’snothingbetterthanyourboyfriendandyourbestfriendgettingalong.
Dani,ontheotherhand,isgivingmealookthatIknowalltoowell.
“What?”
“Yougotfuckedhard,didn’tyou?”sheasks.
“Dani!”Iprotest,avertingmygaze.Sheraisesherglassandclinksitwithmine.
“Cheers,youbitch.Iloveit.”
Anyonewouldbeoffended,butDanimeansitaffectionately.Iknow,it’sweird,butwhatcanIsay?Mybestfriendisweird.
Aresapproachesus.
“We’llgototheafter-partyatmyhouse,right?”Heasksus.
“Yes.”Daninods.“Deansentmeatext,apparentlythey’realreadythere.”
WeallleavethedanceandheadtoAres’scar.It’sbarelynineo’clock.Ican’tbelievesomuchhashappenedinsuchashorttime.
AssoonasIwalkintoAres’shouse,Ihearsomeonecallmyname.
“Raquel!”Gregoryshouts,stretchingouthisarms,andIhughimtightly.“Congratulations!”
IlikeGregoryalot,andIgetalongreallywellwithhim,waybetterthanwithMarco.Marcoisso…Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.Hispersonalityisveryclosed,sosimilartoAreswhenImethim,andmaybethat’swhythey’rebestfriends.
“Enough,”Arisays,pushingGregoryawayfromme.
Gregorylooksaround.“Okay,Mr.Boring.”
Iglancearoundthebeautifullydecoratedroom.Thereareafewpeoplealreadythere,includingsomeguysfromAres’sschool.Therearealsoafewadults,andIguessthatthey’retheparentsofhisfriends.MyeyesspotClaudiainaveryniceblackdresswithtwoothergirlsdressedlikeher,andthenInoticethempassingchampagneandsnacksaround.Oh,they’reservers.
IlookforAres’sparents,butIdon’tseethem,andmyeyesfallonanoldermansittingonthesofainaveryelegantsuit.Grandpa?Yes,that’shim.Areshasshownmepicturesofhim,andtherearemorehangingaroundthehouse.
GrandpaHidalgohasanincredibleairofconfidence.Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit,butit’sasifwisdomemanatesfromhim.WhenArestoldmeaboutthewayhisgrandpaspoketohisfatherandArtemis,heearnedallmyrespect.Abigpartofmewantstogohughimandthankhim,butIknowI’mastranger.
Artemisisnexttohim,wearingasuitaswell.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenhimincasualclothes.Elegancedefinitelyrunsinthisfamily.
IleaveArestalkingtohisfriendsandturntoClaudia,whosmilesatmewhensheseesme.
“Hello,congratulations.”
“Thankyou,”Isay.“Itwasavery…interestingyear.”
“Iknow,”sheagrees.“Butyoumadeit,I’mhappyforyou.”
“Metoo.Howareyou?”
Sheshrugs.“Surviving,youknow.”
“I’mgladtoseeyou.”
“Doyouwantsome?”Sheoffersmeaglassofchampagne,andItakeit.
“Thankyou.Ishouldletyougetonwithit.”
Iwalkawaytositonasofaononesideoftheroom.Theymusthavemovedittomakeroomforpeople.Iswirltheglassinmyhands,watchingtheliquidinsideit,myminddistracted,thinkingathousandthingsatonce.Thecouchsinksslightlyassomeonesitsquietlybesideme.Irecognizethesmellofthatsophisticated,expensivecologne.
“TowhatdoIowethehonor?”Ijoke,turningtolookathim.Artemissmilesatme.
“Curiosity.Yourminddoesn’tseemtobehere.”
“It’sthatobvious,huh?”
“Iadmireyourabilitytocelebratedespitewhatthismeansforyourrelationship.”
“It’snoteasy.”
“Ididn’tsayitwas.”Heloosenstheknotofhistiealittle.“That’swhyIadmireyou.”
“Mymothersaidthesamething,somethingaboutbeingmatureformyage.”
“Aresislucky,”hesays.Iraiseaneyebrow.
“Isthatanindirectcompliment?”Iask.Hesaysnothing,takingasipfromhisglass,soIteasehimsomemore.“ArtemisHidalgo,theiceberg,justgavemeacompliment.AmIdreaming?”
“Don’tactsosurprised.”Hiscountenancehasanairofsadnessandmelancholy.“Icantellthedifferencebetweengoodandbadpeople.”Hepointsatmewithhisglass.“Youareoneofthegoodones,andthat’swhyyouhavemyrespect.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay.
HiseyesfallonAres,whoisopenlylaughingatsomethingGregoryjustsaid.
“Ineverthoughthe’dhavetheabilitytoovercomewhathappenedtous,tobelieveinsomeoneinthisway,andchangeforthebetter.Notjustbecausehewasabletofallinlove.Aresisn’tthesamecapriciousboyhewasayearagowhodidn’tvalueanythingoranyone.Somehowthatgivesmehope.Maybeallisn’tlostforme.”Hedrinkstherestofhischampagneinonegulp.“Thankyou,Raquel.”
Hegivesmeanhonestsmile,andIrealizeit’sthefirsttimeI’veseenhimsmile.Hegetsupandwalksaway,leavingmespeechless.FIFTY-SEVENTheTrip
Run…
Shit.Shit.
Istillhearbarkingbehindus.
Ohshit.
Ishouldhaveexercised.WhyamIsooutofshape?
Becauseyoudon’texercise,youidiot,youjustsaidso.
InthedistanceIcanseeAres’ssilhouette.Marcopassesmeby,likeTheFlash.Onceagain,Ihatesoccerplayers.
MyheartisabouttoburstoutofmychestasDanialsocatchesupwithme.
“Run,Raquel,run!”
“I’mnot…”Irunoutofair.“ForrestGump!”
Danilaughs.“Iknow,butIalwayswantedtosaythat.Seriously,run!”Shefliesby,andIgiveherthefinger.
“WhatthefuckdoyouthinkI’vebeendoing?”Imumble.
Samy,Apolo,andJoshuaalsopassme.Ohno,themtoo?I’mofficiallythelastone.I’mabouttopanicwhenIseeArescomebackforme.Hegrabsmyhandtoliterallypullmeafterhim.Thedogsarebarkingloudlybehindme,andIdon’tevendarelook.
Howdidweendupbeingchasedbyfourdogs?Let’sjustsayalcoholandbaddecisionsplayedapart—withemphasisonbaddecisions.
IhadthebrightideatocontinuethecelebrationafterthepartyatAres’shousewasover.Myideawastodrinkatmyhouseandlistentomusic,but,ofcourse,thatwasn’tenough.Dani,myso-calledbestfriend,cameupwiththewonderfulideatoshowusalakeshefoundlastweekwhilejoggingorwhatever.So,obviously,allofuswithalcoholonthebrainbravelyletherbringusthere.ButwhatDanididn’tknowisthatthelakeisn’topentothepublicbecauseit’snotforthepublic.It’sprivateproperty,partofaranchguardedbydogs.
Andthat’showweendeduprunningforourlives.
WithAres’shelp,Ijumpthefence—thefencethatshouldhavewarnedusinitiallythatitwasn’tpublicland—andweleavethedogsontheotherside.Ifalltomykneesdramatically,myheartpoundinginmyears,inmyhead,everywhere.
“I’m…”Icanonlybreatheheavilyforamoment.“I’mgoingtodie.”
Ares,Marco,andApololookliketheyhaven’tjustrunfortheirlives.They’renotevensweating.Tomyrelief,DaniandSamyareafewstepsawayfromme,gruntingandbreathingjustasheavilyasIam.AndJoshua,well,let’sjustsayJoshuaisnotinhisrightmind.
Samycanbarelyspeakwhenshesays:“I’mgoingtokillyou,Daniela.”
“I…”Daniraisesherhandinlieuofspeech.
“Thatwas…unbelievable!”Joshuasays.Weallgivehimawhat-the-fucklook.Herunshishandoverhisface.“Itwaslikeavideogame,liveplay,theadrenaline,wow.”
Okay,there’sachancethatsomeofusarestillverydrunk.Danilaughsoutofnowhere.Scratchthatpossibility;we’reallstilldrunk.Joshua’ssweetbrowneyesfallonme.
“AndIhavetosay,ifthiswereavideogame,you’dbesodead,Raquel.Iwouldneverchooseyourcharactertoplay.”
ForthesecondtimethatnightIgivethefingertosomeone.Alcoholismakingmerude.Iraisemyeyestothesky,surprisedathowclearit’sgetting.
“Ohshit.Isthatthesun?”Iask.Danilaughsagain,andJoshuajoinsin.Apolofollowsmygaze.
“Oh,it’sdawn.”
Atwhatpointdidthenightpassusby?Alcoholmadeuslosetrackoftime.
MarcowatchesSamy,andtheadorationisobviousinhiseyes:he’ssoinlove.HeandSamyaredatingnow,andI’mglad.Samydeservestobehappy,andhe’sagoodperson.MyeyesfallonApolo,who’slookingatDanieladiscreetly.Iwonderifthere’shopeforthemornot.
Thedeliciousnewsummerweathersettlesagainstmyskin,warmingit.It’ssonicetobeoutsidelikethiswithnocoatsorjackets.Imissedthis.
“It’saperfectdaytogotothebeach,”Danisays.
“You’reright,Iwishwecouldgo.”Samypouts.Joshuapacesbackandforth.Hegetsveryhyperwhenhedrinks.
“Whydon’twego?”heasks.Weallturnourheadstowardhim,andhecontinues.“AresandMarcoaresober,andwecanallfitintheircars.”
“Don’tgoaroundmakingdecisionsforothers,”Danisays,hittinghimwithherelbow,butAressmiles.
“No,Ithinkit’sanexcellentidea,”hesaystoJoshua,andApolonodsinsupport.“Yeah,thisisprobablythelasttimewe’llallbetogetherlikethis.”
WhileDani,Joshua,andIwillbeattendingthesamecollege,Ican’tsaythesamefortheothers,includingAres.IthurtssomucheverytimeIthinkaboutitthatI’vepushedittothebackofmyhead.It’sasifrefusingtothinkaboutitmakesitlessreal.
Joshuaraiseshishandsintheair.
“Tothebeach,everybody!”
Ican’thelpbutsmile.Hisenthusiasmiscontagious,andI’msohappytoseehimhappy,especiallyaftereverythingthathappenedtohim.IwasthrilledwhenIfoundoutthathewasgoingtoattendUNCwithme.Iwanttobeclosetohim,notonlybecauseIwanttotakecareofhim,butbecauseIwanttobethereifatsomepointherelapsesorfeelslonely.Depressionisn’tsomethingthatcanbecuredovernight.Ittakestime,andtheremaybesituationsthatcouldleadtoarelapse,andifthathappens,Iwanttobethereforhim.
Samynarrowshereyes,lookingbehindme.
“IsthatGregory?”
Iturnaround.Sureenough,GregoryiswalkingtowarduswithabottleofwhatlookslikeJackDaniel’sinhishand.Butwhat…?
“Finally,I’vefoundyouguys!”heshouts,approachingus.Hetoldushewouldcatchupwithus,butthatwasaboutanhourago,andwhenhedidn’tshowup,weassumedhewasn’tcoming.
“Howthefuckdidyougethere?”Marcoasks,laughing.Gregoryshakeshisphone.
“Uber.”
Marcopatshimontheback.“You’relikeadamncockroach.It’ssohardtogetridofyou.”
Gregoryactsoffended.“Acockroach?Really?”
“Haven’tyouheardthatcockroacheswouldsurviveradiationfromanuclearblast?”Samyintervenes.“It’sacomplimenttoyourendurance.”
Marcosmilesather,lookingpleased,butsaysnothing.Ihavenoticedthat,althoughheisnotveryexpressiveandaffectionatewithher,hislooksaysitall.Ifinditsweetwhenacoldboyfallsinlove.
“Idon’tcare,”Gregoryshrugs.“AtleastIgothere,andIthinkIheardsomeonesaybeach.Countmein.”
JoshualooksatAres,Apolo,Gregory,andMarco,andmutters:“Wow,youguysareincrediblyhandsome.”
Wealllaugh,andGregorywinks.
“Singleatyourcommand.”
Joshuagiveshimatiredlook.“No,ImeanyouguysarethefirstmalefriendsI’veeverhad,andyou’retoogood-looking;thisisn’tgoingtowork.”
“You’rebreakingupwithme,”Gregorysays,pretendingtorunoutofair.“Andwehaven’tevenstarted?”
Joshuaignoreshim.“Imean,ifIgooutwithyou,Iwon’tgetgirls.”
Iturnmygazetohimandgrabhischeeks.
“You’rehandsome,too,Yoshi.”
IcanfeelAres’sheavygazeonme,andIslowlylowermyhands.
Marcogrimaces.“Yoshi?LiketheturtleinMarioKart?”
Apololaughsalittle,butIgivethemasternlook.
“It’snotaturtle.It’sadinosaur.”
Gregorygrabsthebridgeofhisnose.“Canwefocusongoingtothebeach?”
Samynods.“Thecockroachisright,it’satwo-hourdrive,solet’sgo.”
Daniworriesaboutthelogisticsoftheaffair,andIadmireherforthinkingaboutitwhenwehavebeendawn-drinking.
“Wedon’thavebathingsuitsorfood,”shenotes.
Gregoryclearshisthroat.“Asmygrandpawouldsay,‘nomatterwhatyoulack,youwillfinditsomewherealongtheway.’”
“Didn’tyourgrandpaleaveyourgrandmotherforawomanhemetontheroad?”Marcoasks,raisinganeyebrow.
“Exactly,helackedloveandfounditalongtheway.Hey,stopruiningmycoolmoments.”
WithMarcoandGregoryarguing,westartedwalkingtowhereweleftthecars.
Timetotravel.
Aresisdrivingwiththewindowonhissideopen.Onearmrestsonitandhisotherhandisonthesteeringwheel.He’sshirtless,wearingonlyabackwardcapandsunglasses.Thesunstreamsthroughthewindowandslidesoverhisskin,highlightingthedefinitionofeverymuscleinhistorso.
VirginofAbdominals,whydidyoublesshimthismuch?Whydoyoubringsuchabeingintothisworld?Sothatpoormortalslikememustsuffereverytimeweseehim?
Gregory’sheadappearsinthemiddleofourseats.
“Ifeellikethesonbackhere,”hesays.“Mom,Iwantbooby.”
Itaphimontheforeheadwithmyfingers.
“Veryfunny.”
“Childabuse,”hesays,movingtotheotherseat.HegrabsAres’sshoulderandshakeshim.“Dad,aren’tyougoingtodoanything?”
Aressighs.
“Relax,son,I’llpunishherlater.”Hegivesmehiscrookedsmile.
“Uuuuuugh!”Gregoryscrunchesuphisfacedramatically.
Areslaughs.“Howdoyouthinkyoucameintotheworld,son?”
“Igiveup!Now!”Gregoryreturnstohispostwithhisarmsfoldedacrosshischestasifinatantrum.Apolo,whoisonhisrightside,grimaces,andDani,whoisonhisleftside,ignoresus,lookingoutthewindow.JoshualeftwiththeothersinMarco’scar.
Westopatastoretobuywhatweneedforourimpromptuadventure.Iwalkbywherethebathingsuitsarehanging,tryingtopickoutasimpleone.Aresappearsinfrontofme,withaone-pieceinhishands.
“Howaboutthisone?”heasks.Icrossmyarmsovermychest.
“Iliketwo-pieceswimsuits.”
“Butthisonewouldlookgreatonyou,andyoucanwearitwiththeseshorts,”heshowsmeoneinhisotherhand,smiling.“Agoodcombination.”
Ha!Nicetry,GreekGod!
“Nothanks,focusonpickingsomethingforyourself.”
“Please?”Arespouts.God,hehassuchnicelips,sokissable.
“Nicetry,”Isay,turningmybacktohim.
Areswrapshisarmsaroundmefrombehindtowhisperinmyear.“Well,butifIgetjealous,youknowwhathappens.”Iswallowhard.“So,whenyouendupfuckedinthesandonthebeach,don’tcomplain.”
“NomatterwhatIwear,you’restillgoingtofuckme,”Isay,turninginhisarmsforashortkiss.Hesmilesatmylips.
“Youknowmesowell.”
“So,I’llchoosewhatIwant.”Heopenshismouthtoprotest.“And,ifyouprotest,”Irunmyhanddownhisabdomentohispants,squeezinglightly,“you’renotgettinganysextonight.”
Aresbiteshislowerlip,raisinghishandsintheairindefeat.
“Choosewhatyouwant.”
“Thankyou.”Iwavehimaway,andheobeys.Whohasthepowernow,GreekGod?
Ichooseasimpleredswimsuit,somesunglasses,andabeachhat.Danijoinsmewithwhatshehasselected,andweleavereadytogotothebeach.
“Beach!Herewecome!”Gregoryexclaimswithhisfistsintheair.
Ithinkthistripisgoingtobeveryinteresting.FIFTY-EIGHTTheCampfire
Ares…
Ican’ttakemyeyesoffhim.He’slaughingatastorythatGregoryisdramatizingwithhishandsintheair.Theyarebothshirtless,sittinginthesandwiththebeachinthebackground.Theseabreezemovesmyhairback.I’msittingonalogcloseby,enjoyingtheview.
Thesunsetishere,andIdon’tknowhowwespentthewholedayontheroadwhenthebeachwasonlytwohoursaway.Well,actually,Idoknow.Ateverystop,wewerejokingandtalkingnonsenseforalongtime.
Apolo,Marco,andYoshiareplayingwithaballweboughtalongtheway,runningaroundinthesandlikekids.Daniiswalkingalongtheshore,enjoyingamomentofsolitudeandtranquility,Iguess.Samyissittingnexttomeonthelog
“Beautifulview,isn’tit?”sheasks.
“Yeah,itwasworththetrip.”
Sheoffersmeametalcup.
“Wouldyoulikeadrink?”
Itakethecupandsip.Thestrongwhiskeyflavorburnsmythroat.
“Whiskey?”Igiveitbacktoherandwatchherdrinkwithoutevenwrinklingherface.
“Iguesshangingoutwiththeguyshasaffectedme.Ipickedupalotoftheirlikesanddislikes.”
Iswipethebackofmyhandacrossmymouth,asifthatwilltakethetasteaway.
“Doyouhaveanyotherfriends?”
“No,it’salwaysbeenthem.”HereyestraveltoGregoryandAres,andthentoMarcoandApolo.“ButI’mfine.They’vebeengreattome.”
“Itmustbeniceknowingthemsincetheywerelittle,”Icomment,hopingshe’llsaymore.
Samylaughstoherherself.“Oh,believeme,Iknowsomanyembarrassingstories!AlthoughClaudiabeatsme,sheknowswaymorethanIdo.”Igiveheralookfullofquestions,andsheseemstoreadmymindbecausesheraisesherhandinasignofpeace.“No,Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingonbetweenher,Artemis,andApoloeither.”
“Apolo?”Ifrown.
Sheopenshereyeswide,herexpressionindicatingthatshesaidsomethingsheshouldn’thave.
“Hey.”Shetucksherhairbehindherear.“Imean….Notthatthere’sanythingwrong,Ijustassumed….Justforgetit.”
MymindtravelsbacktothattimeinthehospitalwhenIrealizedthatArtemishadhitApolo,anditallmakessense.MygazefallsonDani,andmyneedtoprotectherwinsoutovereverything.
“DoesApolohavesomethingwithClaudia?”Shedoesn’tsayanything,soIpushher.“Samy,Idon’tliketopressurepeople,butDaniismybestfriend,andIwoulddoanythingforher.IneedtoknowifIshouldtellhertoforgetaboutApolo.”
“IfIknewwhatwasgoingon,I’dtellyou.Really,Raquel.ButIhavenoidea.Artemisisanindecipherableblockofice.Apoloissohonorablethathewouldnevertalkaboutagirl.AndAres,well,he’shonestabouteverythingexcepthisbrothers’stuff.Theyhaveanincrediblesenseofloyalty.”
Ibelieveher.
ThefewtimesI’vetriedtogetinformationoutofAresaboutthatsituationhavebeenafailure,includingoncewhenItriedtousesexasaweaponforinformativeextraction,andonlyendedupfuckedandjustascurious.
AresjoinstheotherguystoplayballasGregorywalksovertous.
“Tropicalbeauties!”
Thatbringsasmiletomyface.GregoryissoenergeticandcheerfulthatheremindsmeofCarlos.Samyoffershimadrink.
“Howcomeyoualwayshavesomuchenergy?”
Gregorydrinksandexhalesnoticeably.“It’sthestrengthofyouth,”hesays,sittingonthesandinfrontofus.“Whatwereyoutalkingabout?Youhadseriousexpressions.”
“Nonsense,”Isay,rubbinghisheadasifhewereapuppy.“Who’sagoodboy?”
Gregorybarksandsticksouthistongue.
Samyrollshereyes.“It’sbecauseofyouthathedoesn’tgrowup,”shesays.
Gregorygivesherahurtpuppydoglook.
“I’mnotgoingtorubyourhead.”Gregorycontinueswithhiseyes,andIcanonlywatchwithasmileonmyface.Samysighs.“Good,boy,”shesaysandrubshishead.
Gregorysticksouthistongueandlicksherhand.“Ah!”
“Thesun’sabouttoset,”Samipoints.
“Weshouldbuildacampfirebeforewelosethesunlight,”Isuggest.WhydoIalwayscomeupwithideaslikethis?
Eightwalksinsearchoffirewoodlater…
Inthemovies,lightingacampfireisn’tthatcomplicated;itlookseasy.Well,welcometoreality.It’sfuckinghard.We’reallsweatyanddarknessisalreadyuponus,butfinallythecampfireislit.Wesitarounditwiththereflectionofthefireonourfaces.
IsitnexttoAres,leaningmyheadonhisshoulderandwatchingtheflames,whichhavebluesparkles.Itcalmsmeandgivesmeasenseofpeace.Thewindonthebeach,thesoundofthewaves,theboynexttome,thefriendsaroundme,it’saperfectmoment,andIpayattentiontoeverydetailtokeepthismemoryinaspecialplaceinmyheart.
“I’mgoingtomissyou,”Gregorybreaksthesilence,andIthinkhe’ssayingwhatwe’reallthinking.
Apolothrowsapieceofwoodintothefire.
“Atleastyou’regoingtocollege,too,Gregory.I’vegottostayinhighschoolbymyself.”
Danistaresathim.Herfeelingsareobvious.IwonderifminearethisobviouswhenIlookatAres.
Ofcoursetheyare,Imentallygrowlatmyself.
Marcoreturnsfromhiscarsearchwithbagsofmarshmallowsinhishands.Thefoodhasarrived.Samyhelpshimwiththebags.
“Yes!Iwanttoeatsomethingsweetsobadly.”
Gregorycoughs.“Marcocangiveyousomethingsweet,youknow,tosuckon.”
Samygrimaces.“You’retheworst.”
Danigetsthewonderfulideatotalk.
“Besides,that’snotsweet.”
“Ohhhhhhhhh!”
Icanonlycovermyface.Daniblushesassherealizesshejustmadeaseriousmistake.That’swhatIliketocallverbalsuicide.They’llmakefunofherforeverandeverwiththat.
WhiletheyteaseDani,Areswhisperstome:“Wanttowalkalongthebeach?”God,Ilovehisvoice.Istraightenupandlookathim.
“Onlyifyoupromisetobehave.”
Hesmilesopenlyatme.
“Iwon’tmakepromisesIcan’tkeep.”
“Ares.”
“Well,Ipromisenottodoanythingyoudon’twantmetodo.”Hetakesmyhand,amischievoussmiledancingonhislips.Inarrowmyeyes.
“Nicetry.Youalreadyusedthatstrategyonce.Iwon’tfallforit.”Hepoutsinmockfrustration.
“Ididn’tthinkyouwouldremember.”
Itaphimontheforehead.“Iremembereverything,GreekGod.”
“That’sobvious,”hesays,rubbinghisforehead.“WhowouldforgetthewonderfulfuckIgaveyouthatmorning?Youmoanedsomuchand—”
Icoverhismouth.
“Okay,let’swalk.”Istandupabruptly.“We’llbeback,”Isayquicklytothegroup.
Aresfollowsmesilently,butIcanfeelhisstupidsmileeventhoughIdon’tseehim.Wereachtheshore,andItakeoffmyshoes,holdingtheminmyhand,andlettingthewaveswashovermyfeeteverytimetheylaptheshore.Aresdoesthesame.Wewalktogether,ourfreehandsintertwining,andthesilencefeelssogood.Webothknowwehaveashorttimelefttogether,butwedon’ttalkaboutit.What’sthepointoftalkingaboutit?I’dratherenjoyeverysecondwithouthavingconversationsthatwillonlycauseuspain.
Asmymomwouldsay,Don’tsufferbeforeit’stime.Whenthetimecomestocrossthatbridge,youwill.
However,fromAres’sexpression,Icanseethathewantstosaysomethingaboutit,soIdecidetotalkaboutsomethingelsebeforeheopenshismouth.IremembermyconversationwithSamy.
“CanIaskyousomething?”Iask.Hebringsmyhandupentwinedwithhisandkissesit.
“Ofcourse.”
“ClaudiaandApolo,dotheyhavesomethinggoingon?”
“I’vealreadytoldyou…”
“Okay,okay,justtellmeonething,”Iconsidermywords.“Daniiscrazyinlovewithhim,andIdon’twanthertosuffer,Ares.Youdon’thavetotellmewhat’sgoingonexactly,justtellmeifIshouldtellmybestfriendtoforgetabouthimortokeepherhopesup,please.”
Areslooksatme,twistinghislips.Iseehimhesitate.Finally,hespeaks.
“Tellhertoforgetabouthim.”
Oh.
Thathurtme,andI’mnotevenDaniela.Iguessthat’sthethingwithbestfriends,youfeelforthem,withthem,sharingnotonlystoriesbutemotionstoo.Aresdoesn’tsayanythingelse,andIknowIwon’tgetanythingmorefromhim,soIdropthesubject.IjustwatchhimwalkbesidemeandIremembersomanythingsthatmyheartgetstight.
YouthinkIdon’tknowaboutyourlittlechildishobsessionwithme?
Yes,Iwantyou,Witch.
I’matyourservice,always,Witch.
Youarebeautiful.
Pleasestaywithme.
IcanbeyourChristianGreyanytimeyouwant,youpervertedlittlewitch.
I’minlove,Raquel.
Icanonlyseetheoutlineofhisprettyfaceasmymindmakesmereliveitalloveragain.
“Ah,I’mamasochist,”Isayinawhisper.Areslooksatme.
“Sexually?BecauseI’venoticedthatyouliketobespankedand…”
“Shutup!”Itellhimimmediately.“No,Imeanemotionally.Youweresuchajerktomeatfirst.”
“Definejerk.’”
Iletgoofhishandandgivehimthefinger.
“It’sjust,howcouldyouconsidergivingmeacellphonerightafterwehadsexforthefirsttime?Commonsense,Ares,commonsense.”
Hishappyexpressionfades.
“I’msorry,Iwon’teverbeabletoapologizeforallthat,Ihavenoexcuse.Thankyoufornotgivingup.I’vechangedforthebetterbecauseofyou.”
Idon’ttakehishand,playinghardtoget.Aresjumpsandpointsatthesandnearmyfeet.“Crab!”
“Ah!Where?”Iinstinctivelyhughim.Hehugsmebacksideways.
“Come,Iwillprotectyou.”
“Ah.”IpushhimasIcatchontohislie.
Aresstepsforwardandkneelsinfrontofme,offeringmehisback.
“Comeon,up.”ThememoryofhimdoingthatthenightIwasrobbedcomestome.Ithinkabouthowhehadmademefeelsafe,andhownicehewastomethatnight.
Iwon’tleave.Notthistime.
Ithinkaboutbreakfastthenextday,whenhehadtakenmyhandtogentlyletmeknowthatIwassafe,andthathewouldn’tletanythinghappentome.ItwasthefirsttimeIsawthetendersideofAres.
Iclimbonhisbackandhestandsup,lettingmewrapmylegsoverhiships,andIputmyhandsaroundhisnecktoholdme.Arescarriesmealongtheshore,andIrealizethatthisdayisfullofspecialmoments.Irestmyfaceonhisshoulder.ThesoundofthewavesfillsmyearsandthewarmthofAres’sbodymingleswithmine.HowwillIsurvivewithoutyou,GreekGod?Ipushthatquestionoutofmyhead.
“Ares.”
“Huh?”
Iliftmyheadfromhisshouldertoleanclosertothesideofhisface.
“Iloveyou.”
He’squietforamomentanditmakesmenarrowmyeyesuntilhespeaks.
“I’llstay.”
“What?”
“Youknow,ifyouaskmeto,I’llstay.Right?”
“Iknow.”
“Butyou’renotgoingtoaskmeto.”
“No.”
Hesighsanddoesn’tsayanythingelseforawhile.Icouldneveraskhimtostayortogiveuphisdreamforme.Ican’tbesoselfish.Ican’ttakethatawayfromhim.Itwouldn’tbefairthat,whileIfulfilledmydream,hewouldhavetodosomethinghe’dhate.
Ialwaysthoughtthatwhenpeoplesaid,“loveisnotselfish,”theywerefoolingthemselves.ButnowI’mguidedbytheprinciplethatit’sokaytoputasidewhatyoufeelforthewelfareofanother—forsomeoneelse’shappiness—aslongasyoudon’tcompromiseyourself.NowIthinkthereisnogreaterproofoflovethanthat.
Irestmyheadonhisshoulderagain.IhearhimwhispersolowIcanbarelyhearhim.
“Iloveyoutoo,Witch.”
Withthosewords,Ilethimcarrymealongtheshore,savoringeverysecondofthismoment.FIFTY-NINETheFarewell
Thedayhascome…
Thedayhehastoleave.He’llgofrombeingafewmetersawayfrommetobeinghundredsofmilesaway.Silencereignsbetweenus.It’snotuncomfortablebutpainfulbecausewebothknowwhattheotheristhinking:thisistheinevitablereality.Theskyisbeautifulandthestarsareshiningintheirmaximumsplendor,perhapsinanattempttolessenthisheartbreakingsadness.
Thereisacertaininexplicablepainintheinevitable.It’smucheasiertowalkawayfromsomeonewhenthey’vebrokenyourheartorwhenthey’vehurtyou.Itfeelsimpossibletodosowhenthere’snothingwrongbetweenyou,whentheloveisstillthere,alive,beatingliketheheartofanewborn,fulloflife,exhalingpromiseforthefuture.
Myeyesfallonhim,myAres.
MyGreekgod.
Thereheis,withhishairtousledandhiseyesredfromthelongnight,andyethelooksbeautiful.
“Ares…”
Hedoesn’tlookatme.
“Ares,youhaveto…”
Heshakeshishead.
“No.”
Oh,mybeautifulboy.
Istrugglewiththetearsfillingmyeyes,andmylipsshake.Myloveforhimconsumesme,suffocatesme,givesmelife,andtakesitaway.Hisflightleavesinhalfanhour.Hehastoentertheareawherehe’llwaittoboardtheplane,whereIcan’tgo.We’reinthewaitingareaoftheairport,andwecanseetheskythroughthehugewindows.
Hishandbrushesminegentlybeforehetakesitfirmlyinhis.Hestilldoesn’tlookatme,hisblueeyesfocusinginsteadonthesky.Ican’tstoplookingathim.Iwanttoremembereverydetailofhimwhenhe’sgone.Iwanttorememberwhatitfeelsliketobebyhisside,tofeelhiswarmth,hissmell,hislove.MaybeIsoundcloying,buttheloveofmylifeisabouttogetonaplane,soIhavetherighttobecheesy.
“Ares?”Apolo’svoicecomesfrombehindus.IthasthatsamesenseofurgencyandsadnessthatmyvoicehadwhenIremindedhimitwastimetogo.Arestakeshiseyesoffthestarsandlowershishead.Whenheturnstofaceme,Istraintosmilethroughthetearsforminginmyeyes,butIfallshort.Helickshislipsbutsaysnothing,andIknowhecan’tspeak.Iknowthemomenthespeakshewillcry,andhewantstobestrongforme.Iknowhimsowell.Hesqueezesmyhandtightly,andtearsescapemyeyes.
“Iknow,”Isaysimply.Hewipesawaymytears,holdingmyfaceasifitwilldisappearatanymoment.
“Don’tcry.”
Ilaughfalsely.
“Askmeforsomethingalittleeasier.”
Hegivesmeashortkiss,butit’sfilledwithsomuchemotionthatIcrysilentlyagain.Thesaltinessofmytearsblendswithourkiss.
“Don’tgiveuponme,loveme,chaseme,butdon’tforgetme,please,”hebegs.
“AsifIcouldforgetyou.”Ismileagainsthislips.
“Promisemethatthisisnottheend.Thatwe’lltryuntilwecan’tanymore,untilallresourcesandmeansareexhausted,untilwecansaywehavetriedeverythingandstilltryalittlefurther.”
“Ipromise.”
Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandhughim.Hekissesthesideofmyhead.
“Iloveyousomuch,Witch.”Hisvoicecracksslightly,anditbreaksmysoul.
“Iloveyou,too,GreekGod.”
Whenwepart,hewipesawayhistearsquickly,andtakesadeepbreath.
“I’vegottogo.”
Ijustnod,tearsslidingdownmycheeksandfallingfrommychin.
“You’regoingtobeagreatdoctor.”
“Andyou’regoingtobeawonderfulpsychologist.”
IcanfeelmyfacecontortasIstiflemysobs.Aressaysgood-byetoApolo,Artemis,andhisparents.Iwalkwithhimtowardthesecuritygate.Whenwereachit,Istopandwipeawaymytears.
“Letmeknowwhenyougetthere,okay?”
Henodsandletsgoofmyhand.Hejoinsoneofthesecuritylines,thenhestopsandwalksquicklybacktohugmeonemoretime.
“Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou.Youaretheloveofmylife,Raquel,Iloveyou.”
Thesobsescapeme,soIwrapmyhandsaroundhiswaist.
“Iloveyoutoo,”myvoicebreaks.“Iloveyou.”
“Please,let’sfightforthis,Iknowitwon’tbeeasy,Iknowtherewillbehardtimes,but…pleasedon’tstoplovingme.”
“Youwon’t…youwon’tbeableto…getridofmesoeasily,”Itellhimwithabrokenvoice.Whenweseparate,Iseehowredhisfaceis,andthetearsonhischeeks.“Ipromiseyou,Iwillalwaysbeyourstalker.”
Herunshisthumbacrossmycheek.
“AndI’llalwaysbeyours.”
Igivehimaconfusedlook.
“Iwasstalkingyou,too,yousillywitch.”
“What?”
“Weneverranoutofinternet.IaskedApolotopretendwithme.Itwasmyexcusetotalktoyou.You’vealwayshadmyattention,Witch.”
Idon’tknowwhattosay,idiotGreekgod,whydidhechoosethismomenttotellme?Arestakessomebraceletsoutofhispocket,andIgaspwhenIrecognizethem.Imadethemalongtimeagoforaschoolfair,butIcouldn’tmanagetosellanyuntilaboyboughtthemall.HadAressentthatboy?Hadhedonethatformeevenwhenweweren’tspeakingtoeachother?Aresputsapairofthebraceletsinthepalmofmyhandandclosesit.
“You’vealwayshadmyattention,”herepeatswithfeeling,andthatonlymakesmecryevenmore.
“Ares…”
“Ihavetogo.”Hekissesmyforehead.“I’llletyouknowwhenIland.Iloveyou.”HegivesmeashortkissanddisappearsthroughthesecuritydoorbeforeIcanregretnotbegginghimtostay.
Withmyhandonthetransparentwindowsoftheairport,Iwatchhisplanetakeoffanddisappearintothesky.Ifeellikeaholehasopenedinmyheartanditwillneverclose.Maybeitwillheal,butthescarwillalwaysbethere.
Partofmeimagineshimcomingbacklikeinthemovies,tellingmethathelovesmeandwon’tleaveme,butit’snotlikethat.Reallifeiscruelerthanromancemovies.Iclosemyhandintoafistoverthewindow.
Good-bye,GreekGod.
Ares’sparentsandArtemisarealreadygone,butApoloremainsbymyside,weepingopenly.Thejourneybacktothehousebecomesthesaddesthourofmylife.ApoloandIshareataxibutneitherofusspeaks.Bothofusareabsorbedinourownsadness.Trees,houses,people,andcarspassbythewindow,butIdon’tseeanything.
Idon’tevensaygood-byetoApolowhenIgetoutofthecar.Iwalkintomyhouselikeazombie.Myroomwelcomesmewithsilence.Myeyessliptothewindowandpainsqueezesmychesttightly.Mymindteasesme,imaginingArescomingthroughthewindowsmiling,hisprettyblueeyeslightingupatthesightofme.
IlookatthefrontofmybedandrememberthatnightImadehimhotchocolateandhetoldmeabouthisgrandpa.Areshasgrownsomuchasaperson.Fromanidiotwhodidn’tvalueanythingtoamanwhovalueseverything,whofindsiteasiertoexpresshisfeelings,whounderstandsthatit’sokaytobeweakorevencry.Idon’twanttotakecreditforthatbecausenoonechangesiftheyreallydon’twanttochange.Iwasjustthepushheneededtogetstarted.Isitonmybedwithoutlookingataspecificpoint.
Daniopensthedoorwithabang.Hergazemeetsmine,andthat’sallittakesformetolosecontrol.
“Dani,he’sgone,”Isayquietly.Shegivesmeasadlook,movingclosertome.“Really,he’sgone.”Istarttocryinconsolably,lettingitallout.Ifeellikeapartofmehasgonewithhim,andmaybeithas.Danirushesover,throwsherpurseonthefloor,andhugsme.
“He’sgone,”Ikeeprepeatingoverandover.
Inmybestfriend’sarms,IcryallnightuntilIfallasleep.Iwakeupslightlytoatexttellingmethathehasarrived,butafterreadingit,Ijustcrymyselftosleepagain.
ThreeMonthsLater
“AndthenItoldhimhewasanidiot,”Isaywiththephoneinfrontofme,talkingaboutJoshua.“Howcouldheeventhinkofputtinganegginthemicrowave?”
Areslaughs,hisfaceencapsulatedinmyphonescreen.We’reSkypingwhileI’mcookinginthecollegedorms.
“Andthatwasn’ttheworstofit,”Icontinue.“Heputapinkshirtinthewashwithhiswhites.Guesswhoonlywearspinknow?”
“AndIthoughtI’dbetheonemakingthemostmistakeswiththislivingalonething.”
Isquintathim.“Youburnedallthepotsinyourapartment.”
“Iwaslearning.”
“Youdon’tevenknowhowtomakecoffee.”
“Youhaven’ttriedit.”
“ThankGod,”Imumble.
Aresscoffs.“YesterdayImadepasta,itwasalittlestickybutedible.”
“Lookwho’shere,”IshowhimastuffedwitchhegavemewhenwemetatThanksgivingbreakafewweeksago.“She’smyroommate.”
“Speakingofroommates.Where’sDani?”
“Atafratparty.”
“AndJoshua?”
“Atthesameparty.”
“Yourroommatesareataparty,andyou’reheretalkingtoyourboyfriend,soloyal.”
“Partieshaveneverbeenmything.”Isigh.IlickmyfingertotastethesoupI’mpreparing.“Mmm,it’sdelicious.”
“IwishIwasthatfinger.”
“Ares!”
“What?Imissyou,Witch.I’mgoingtodiefromalackofloveandsex.”
Irollmyeyes.“Onlyyoucanberomanticandsexualatthesametime.”
“IneedtheChristmasbreaktocome.”Herunshishandoverhisface.“Youknowwhatweshouldtry?”
“We’renothavingphonesex,forgetit.”
“Ihadtotry.”
“Butifyoubehaveyourself,Imightsendyouasexyphoto,”Itellhim.HegivesmethatcheekygrinIlikesomuch.
“Oh,well,fairenough.”
“Christmasisaweekaway.I’llsticktoyoulikebubblegum.Youknowthat,don’tyou?”
“Ilovebubblegumthen.”
“Areyouflirtingwithme?”
Hebiteshislowerlip.“Isitworking?”
“Itmightbe.”
WekeeptalkingandIlaughathissillyattemptsatflirting.Sofar,we’vebeenfine,missingeachotheralot,butwe’reseeingeachotheratleastonceamonth.I’mnotsayingit’seasy,butit’stolerable,anditmakesmethinkwecansurvivethis.
WhenChristmasbreakcomes,ImaketwosteamingmugsofhotchocolateassoonasIgethome.Mymomisinthekitchen,andItellherhowI’mdoinginthefirstfewmonthsofcollege.Afterward,Ibringthemugsupstairsandcarefullysetthemdownnexttomebesidethebed.
Itdoesn’ttakelonguntilIseeAresatthewindow.Iruntohim,jumponhim,andgivehimadesperatekissthatleavesmebreathless.ThoselipsIlovesomuchgreetmewiththesamedesperation.ThekissispassionateandtasteslikethewordsImissedyou.Ourmouthsmovetogetherinthatperfectsynchrony.
Whenwebreakthekiss,ourbreathisragged.Hisbeautifulblueeyesarelostinmine,andIrunmyfingersoverhisfacetotangletheminhishairandkisshimagain.Afterawhile,wesitinfrontofthebed,eachwithacupofhotchocolateinourhands.It’sstartingtosnow,andtherearelittlesnowflakesfloatingoutsidethewindow.
Weclinkourmugstogetherinatoast,andIrealizeitwilltakealotmorethandistancetobreakwhatwehave.HeandIareinatimeofchangeinourlives,butthatwon’tstopusfrombeingtogetherandgettingthroughit.AndIknowthat,whenhardshipcomes,wewillbothgive100percenttothefight.Maybeitwilldefeatusormaybewewillprevail,onlytimewilltell.Evenifitendsatsomepoint,IwillbeabletosaythatIfoughtuntilthelastsecond,untilIcouldn’tfightanymore,becauseIknowhewilltoo.
WearethewitchandtheGreekgodafterall.
Theonewhofelteverything,andtheonewhofeltnothing.Nowwebothfeelmorethanenough.
Andthere,inthesilenceofmyroom,withacupofhotchocolateinonehandandtheotherintertwinedwithhis,Iwatchthesnowfallthroughmywindow.
TheEndAcknowledgments
Iwanttostartbythankingmyhusband,Enmanuel.HisloveanddedicationcontributedimmenselytomebeingabletofinishThroughMyWindowontime.Hecooked,prepareddeliciouscoffee,andprovidedvaluableinputonsomeparts.Thankyou,love.Weareateam,andIloveyou.
Abigthankstomymom,Glady,forhereverlastingloveandforalwaysremindingmetobreatheandtakecareofmyselfwhenIgettooconsumedinwriting.Loveyou,MamiBella.
Tomyfriends:Mariana,Darlis,Alex.Thankyouforbeingthereinthemomentswhenthingsgotdifficult,andwhenIneededapush,advice,orsomeloveandfeedback.Yougirlsaremypillars.Chamas,ustedessonlasmaltasdemisempanadas,losaben.
Ofcourse,totheWattpadpublishingteam:Deanna,Fiona,Delaney,Casey,andeveryoneelseinvolved.Youmadetheeditingprocesssocomfortableformeandhelpedmeshapethisbookintoitsbestform.I’mforeverthankful.Andofcourse,toCaitlin,who’sbeentheresincedayone.It’sliterallybeenyears,girl.Thankyouforeverything.
Andfinally,tomyWattpadreaders,youhavebeenafundamentalpartofmylifeforthepasttenyears.Youhavealwaysbeenthereforme.Youhavealwaysbelievedinme,evenwhenIdidn’tbelieveinmyself,andforthat,Iamforevergrateful.Wedidthistogetherasafamily.Iloveyou,bolitxs.
Andtoyou,thereader,whopickedupthisbookandgaveitachance.Thankyou.AbouttheAuthor
ArianaGodoyistheauthorofthebest-sellingnovelATravésDeMiVentana,whichisbeingadaptedintoafilmbyNetflixSpain.AWattpadstar,Arianahasoveronemillionfollowersontheplatform,andherstorieshaveaccumulatedovertwohundredmillionreads.SheisalsoveryactiveonsocialmediaandisasuccessfulYouTuber.ArianaenjoysK-dramas,coffee,andwritingfromherlittleapartmentinNorthCarolina.Copyright
Copyright?2022ArianaGodoy.Allrightsreserved.
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