TWISTEDHATE
TWISTEDBOOKTHREEANAHUANGCopyright?2022byAnaHuang
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreviewandcertainothernoncommercialusepermittedbycopyrightlaw.
Resemblancetoactualpersonsandthingslivingordead,locales,oreventsisentirelycoincidental.
TWISTEDHATE:
CoverDesigner:QuirahCasey,TemptationCreations
Editor:AmyBriggs,BriggsConsultingLLC
Proofreader:KristaBurdine
Photographer:Miguelanxo
Model:SimonasPhamToeveryonewho’severfeltliketheyweren’tenough.CONTENTS
Playlist
Synopsis
ContentWarnings
1.Jules
2.Josh
3.Josh
4.Jules
5.Jules
6.Josh
7.Jules
8.Josh
9.Jules
10.Josh
11.Jules
12.Josh
13.Josh
14.Jules
15.Jules
16.Josh
17.Jules
18.Jules
19.Josh
20.Jules
21.Jules
22.Jules
23.Josh
24.Jules
25.Josh
26.Josh
27.Jules
28.Josh
29.Josh
30.Jules
31.Jules
32.Josh
33.Jules
34.Josh
35.Jules
36.Josh
37.Josh
38.Jules
39.Josh
40.Jules
41.Jules
42.Jules
43.Josh
44.Jules
45.Jules
46.Josh
47.Jules
48.Jules
49.Josh
50.Josh
51.Jules
52.Jules
53.Josh
54.Josh
55.Josh
56.Jules
57.Jules
58.Josh
Epilogue
BooksbyAnaHuang
KeepintouchwithAnaHuang
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor“Don’tBlameMe”—TaylorSwift
“Talk”—SalvatoreGanacci
“Free”—Broods
“DaddyIssues”—TheNeighbourhood
“YouMakeMeSick”—Pink
“Animals”—Maroon5
“GiveYouWhatYouLike”—AvrilLavigne
“wRoNg”—Zayn
“Waves”—Normanift.6LACK
“50Shades”—BoyEpic
“OnlyYou”—EllieGoulding
“OneMoreNight”—Maroon5
“IHateU,ILoveU”—Gnash
“Wanted”—HunterHayesHehatesher…almostasmuchashewantsher.
Gorgeous,cocky,andfastonhiswaytobecomingahotshotdoctor,JoshChenhasnevermetawomanhecouldn’tcharm—exceptforJulesf**kingAmbrose.
Thebeautifulredheadhasbeenathorninhissidesincetheymet,butshealsoconsumeshisthoughtsinawaynowomaneverhas.
Whentheiranimosityexplodesintooneunforgettablenight,heproposesasolutionthat’llgetheroutofhissystemonceandforall:anenemieswithbenefitsarrangementwithsimplerules.
Nojealousy.
Nostringsattached.
Andabsolutelynofallinginlove.
**
Outgoingandambitious,JulesAmbroseisaformerpartygirlwho’sfocusedononething:passingtheattorney’sbarexam.
ThelastthingsheneedsistogetinvolvedwithadoctorwhoputstheSUFFERininsufferable…nomatterhowgood-lookingheis.
Butthemoreshegetstoknowhim,themoresherealizesthere’smorethanmeetstheeyetothemanshe’shatedforsolong.
Herbestfriend’sbrother.
Hernemesis.
Andheronlysalvation.
Theirsisamatchmadeinhell,andwhenthedemonsfromtheirpastcatchupwiththem,they’refacedwithtruthsthatcouldeithersavethem…ordestroyeverythingthey’veworkedfor.CONTENTWARNINGS
Thisstorycontainsexplicitsexualcontent,profanity,mildviolence,andtopicsthatmaybesensitivetosomereaders.Foradetailedlist,clickhereorscanthecodebelow.
1
JULES
Nothinggoodevercamefromright-swipingonaguyholdingafishonadatingapp.Doubleredflagsifsaidguy’snamewasTodd.
Ishould’veknownbetter,yetthereIwas,sittingaloneatTheBronzeGear,D.C.’shottestbar,anddrinkingmyhideouslyexpensivevodkasodaafterbeingstoodup.
That’sright.
I’dbeenstoodupfortheveryfirsttimebyafish-wieldingTodd.Itwasenoughtomakeagirlsayfuckitandthrowawaysixteendollarsononedrinkeventhoughshedidn’thaveafull-timesalaryyet.
Whatwasitwithmenandfishpictures,anyway?Couldn’ttheychoosesomethingmorecreative,likecagedivingwithsharks?Alsomarineanimal-centric,butlessmundane.
Maybethefishwasanoddthingtofixateon,butitpreventedmefromdwellingontheawfulnessofmydayandthehot,stickyembarrassmentcoatingmyskin.
Getcaughtinasuddendownpourhalfwaytocampuswithnaryanumbrellainsight?Check.(Fivepercentchanceofrain,myass.Ishouldsuetheweatherappcompany).
Gettrappedinanovercrowdedmetrotrainthatstunkofbodyodorforfortyminutesduetoapowerproblem?Check.
Goonathree-hourapartmenthuntwhichresultedintwoblisteredfeetandzeroleads?Check.
Aftersuchahellishday,IwantedtocancelmydatewithTodd,butI’dalreadypostponedtwice—onceforarescheduledstudygroup,theotherwhenIwasfeelingundertheweather—andIhadn’twantedtoleavehimhangingagain.SoIsuckeditupandshowedup,onlytogetstoodup.
Theuniversehadasenseofhumor,allright,anditwasashittyone.
Ifinishedtherestofmydrinkandflaggeddownthebartender.“CanIgetthecheckplease?”Happyhourhadjuststarted,butIcouldn’twaittogohomeandcurlupwiththetworeallovesofmylife.NetflixandBen&Jerry’sneverletmedown.
“It’salreadycovered.”
Whenmyeyebrowsshotup,thebartendertiltedherheadtowardatableofpreppy-lookingtwenty-somethingguysinthecorner.Likelyconsultants,basedontheiroutfits.Oneofthem,aClarkKentlookalikeinaginghamshirt,raisedhisglassandsmiledatme.“CourtesyofClarktheConsultant.”
IstifledalaughevenasIraisedmyownglassandsmiledbackathim.SoIwasn’ttheonlyonewhothoughthelookedlikeSuperman’salterego.
“ClarktheConsultantsavedmefromeatinginstantramenfordinner,socheerstohim,”Isaid.
ThatwassixteendollarsIcouldkeepinmybankaccount,thoughIleftatipanyway.Iusedtoworkinthefoodserviceindustry,anditmademeobsessiveaboutovertipping.Noonedealtwithmoreassholesonaconsistentbasisthanserviceworkers.
IfinishedmyfreedrinkandkeptmyeyeslockedonClarktheConsultant,whosegazesweptappreciativelyovermyface,hair,andbody.
Ididn’tbelieveinfalsehumility—IknewIlookedgood.AndIknewifIwalkedovertothattablerightnow,Icouldsoothemybruisedegowithmoredrinks,compliments,andmaybeanorgasmortwolaterifheknewwhathewasdoing.
Tempting…butno.Iwastooexhaustedtogothroughthewholehookupsonganddance.
Iturnedaway,butnotbeforecatchingtheflashofdisappointmentonhisface.Tohiscredit,ClarktheConsultantunderstoodtheimpliedmessage—thankyouforthedrink,butI’mnotinterestedintakingthingsfurther—anddidn’ttrytoapproachme,whichwasmorethanIcouldsayformostmen
Islungmybagovermyshoulderandwasabouttograbmycoatfromthehookbeneaththebarwhenadeep,cockydrawlsenteveryhaironthebackofmyneckonend.
“Hey,JR.”
Twowords.Thatwasallittooktotriggermyfightorflight.Honestly,itwasaPavlovianresponseatthispoint.WhenIheardhisvoice,mybloodpressureskyrocketed.
Every.Single.Time.
Andthedayjustkeepsgettingbetter.
MyfingerstightenedaroundmybagstrapbeforeIforcedthemtorelax.Iwouldnotgivehimthesatisfactionofprovokinganydiscerniblereactionfromme.
Withthatinmind,Itookadeepbreath,rearrangedmyfeaturesintoaneutralexpression,andslowlyturnedaround,whereIwasgreetedwiththeworld’smostunwelcomesighttogoalongwiththeworld’smostunwelcomesound.
JoshfuckingChen.
Allsixfeetofhim,cladindarkjeansandawhitebutton-downshirtthatwasjustfittedenoughtoshowoffhismuscles.Nodoubtheplanneditthatway.HeprobablyspentmoretimeonhisappearancethanIdid,andIwasn’texactlylowmaintenance.Merriam-Webstershouldstamphisfacenexttothewordvain.
Theworstpartwas,Joshwastechnicallygood-looking.Thickdarkhair,highcheekbones,sculptedbody.AllthethingsIwasasuckerfor…iftheyweren’tattachedtoanegosolargeitrequireditsownzipcode.
“Hi,Joshy,”Icooed,knowinghowmuchhehatedthenickname.IcouldthankAva,mybestfriendandJosh’ssister,forthatgoldnuggetofinformation
Annoyancesparkedinhiseyes,andIsmiled.Thedaywaslookingupalready
Tobefair,Joshwastheonewho’dinsistedoncallingmeJRfirst.ItwasshortforJessicaRabbit,thecartooncharacter.Somepeoplemighttakeitasacompliment,butwhenyouwerearedheadwithdoubleDs,theconstantcomparisongotoldfast,andheknewit.
“Drinkingalone?”Joshshiftedhisattentiontotheemptybarstoolsoneithersideofme.Itwasn’tpeakhappyhouryet,andthemostcovetedseatsweretheboothsliningtheoak-paneledwalls,notatthebar.“Orhaveyoualreadyscaredoffeveryonewithinatwenty-footradius?”
“Funnyyoushouldmentionscaringpeopleoff.”IeyedthewomanstandingnexttoJosh.Shewasbeautiful,withbrownhair,browneyes,andalithebodycladinanincrediblegraphic-printwrapdress.Toobadhergoodtastedidn’textendtomen,ifshewasonadatewithhim.“Iseeyou’verecoveredfromyourboutofsyphilislongenoughtosuckeranotherunsuspectingwomanintoadate.”Idirectedmynextwordstothebrunette.“Idon’tknowyou,butIalreadyknowyoucoulddowaybetter.Trustme.”
DidJoshactuallyhavesyphilis?Maybe.Maybenot.HesleptaroundenoughIwouldn’tbesurprisedifhedid,andIwouldn’tbeupholdinggirlcodeifIdidn’twarnWrapDressaboutthepossibilityofcontractinganSTD.
Insteadofrecoiling,shelaughed.“Thanksforthewarning,butIthinkI’llbeokay.”
“MakingjokesaboutSTDs.Howoriginal.”IfJoshwasbotheredbymeinsultinghiminfrontofhisdate,hedidn’tshowit.“Ihopeyouroralargumentsaremorecreative,oryou’llhaveatoughtimeinthelegalworld.Assumingyoupassthebar,ofcourse.”
Hismouthcurvedintoasmirk,revealingatinydimpleinhisleftcheek.
Iheldbackasnarl.Ihatedthatdimple.Everytimeitpoppedup,itmockedme,andIwantednothingmorethantostabitwithaknife.
“I’llpass,”Isaidcoolly,reininginmyviolentthoughts.Joshalwaysbroughtouttheworstinme.“Betterhopeyoudon’tgetsuedformedicalmalpractice,Joshy,orI’llbethefirsttooffermyservicestotheotherparty.”
I’dbustedmyasstogetaspotatThayerLawandajobofferfromSilver&Klein,theprestigiouslawfirmIinternedforlastsummer.Iwasn’tabouttoletmydreamsofbecomingalawyerslipawaywhenIwassoclose.
Nofreakingway.
Iwasgoingtopassthebarexam,andJoshChenwasgoingtoeathiswords.Hopefully,he’dchokeonthemtoo.
“Bigtalkforsomeonewhohasn’tevengraduatedyet.”Joshleanedagainstthebarandproppedhisforearmonthecounter,lookingirritatinglylikeamodelposingforaGQspread.HeswitchedsubjectsbeforeIcouldfireanotherretort.“You’reawfullydressedupforasolodate.”
Hisgazesweptfrommycurledhairtomymade-upfacebeforelingeringonthegoldpendantrestingagainstmycleavage.
Myspineturnedtoiron.UnlikeClarktheConsultant,Josh’sscrutinysearedintomyflesh,hotandmocking.Themetalfrommynecklaceflamedagainstmyskin,anditwasallIcoulddonottoyankitoffandpeltitinhissmugface.
Andyet,forsomereason,Iremainedstillwhilehecontinuedhisperusal.Itwasn’tlecheroussomuchasitwasassessing,likehewasgatheringallthepuzzlepiecesandarrangingthemintoacompletepictureinhismind.
Josh’seyesdippedtothegreencashmeredresshuggingmytorso,skimmedovertheexpanseofmyblack-stockingedlegs,andstoppedatmyblackheeledbootsbeforehedraggedthembackuptomeetmyownhazelones.Hissmirkdisappeared,leavinghisexpressionunreadable.
Achargedsilencecrackledbetweenusbeforehespokeagain.“You’redressedforanactualdate.”Hisposeremainedcasual,buthiseyessharpenedintodarkkniveswaitingtocarveoutmyembarrassment.“Butyouwereabouttoleave,andit’sonlyfive-thirty.”
Iliftedmychinevenastheheatofembarrassmentprickledmyskin.Joshwasmanythings—infuriating,cocky,thespawnofSatan—buthewasn’tstupid,andhewasthelastpersonIwantedknowingI’dbeenstoodup.
Hewouldneverletmeliveitdown.
“Don’ttellmehedidn’tshow.”Therewasastrangenoteinhisvoice.
Theheatintensified.God,Ishouldn’thaveworncashmere.Iwasroastinginmystupiddress.“Youshouldworrylessaboutmylovelifeandmoreaboutyourdate.”
Joshhadn’tlookedatWrapDresssinceheshowedup,butshedidn’tseemtomind.Shewastoobusychattingandlaughingwiththebartender.
“Iassureyou,ofallthethingsonmyto-dolist,worryingaboutyourlovelifeisn’teveninthetopfivethousand.”Despitethesnark,Joshcontinuedstaringatmewiththatindecipherableexpression.
Mystomachswoopedfornoobviousreason.
“Good.”Itwasalameretort,butmybrainwasn’tworkingproperly.Iblameditontheexhaustion.Orthealcohol.Oramillionotherthingsthathadnothingtodowiththemanstandinginfrontofme.
Igrabbedmycoatandslidoffmyseat,intentonbrushingpasthimwithoutanotherword.
Unfortunately,I’dmisjudgedthedistancebetweenthebarstoolrungandthefloor.Myfootslipped,andasmallgasproseinmythroatwhenmybodytiltedbackwardofitsownaccord.Iwastwosecondsawayfromfallingonmyasswhenahandshotoutandgrippedmywrist,pullingmebackupintoastandingposition.
JoshandIfrozeatthesametime,oureyeslockedonwherehishandencircledmywrist.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimewe’dvoluntarilytouched.Maybethreesummersago,whenhe’dpushedme,fullyclothed,intothepoolduringaparty,andI’dretaliatedby“accidentally”elbowinghiminthegroin?
Thememoryofhimdoublingoverwithpainstillgavemegreatcomfortintimesofdistress,butIwasn’tthinkingaboutthatnow.
Instead,Iwasfocusedonhowdisturbinglyclosehewas—closeenoughformetosmellhiscologne,whichwasniceandcitrusyinsteadoffireandbrimstone-ylikeI’dexpected.
Theadrenalinefrommynearfallpumpedthroughmysystem,pushingmyheartrateintounhealthyterritory.
“Youcanletgonow.”Iwilledmybreathstocomeoutsteadydespitethesuffocatingheat.“Beforeyourtouchgivesmehives.”
Josh’sgriptightenedforamillisecondbeforehedroppedmyarmlikeitwasahotpotato.Annoyancewipedawayhispreviouslyunreadableexpression.“You’rewelcomeformakingsureyoudon’tbreakyourtailbone,JR.”
“Don’tbedramatic,Joshy.Iwould’vecaughtmyself.”
“Sure.Godforbidthewordsthankyouleaveyourmouth.”Hissarcasmdeepened.“You’resuchapainintheass,youknowthat?”
“It’sbetterthanbeinganass,period.”
EveryoneelselookedatJoshandsawahandsome,charmingdoctor.Ilookedathimandsawajudgmental,self-righteousjerk.
Youcanmakeotherfriends,Ava.She’sbadnews.Youdon’tneedsomeonelikethatinyourlife.
Mycheeksflushed.It’dbeensevenyearssinceIoverheardJoshtalkingtoAvaaboutme,rightwhensheandIwerebecomingfriends,andthememorystillstung.NotthatI’devertoldthemI’dheardthem.ItwouldjustmakeAvafeelbad,andJoshdidn’tdeservetoknowhowmuchhiswordshurt.
Hewasn’tthefirstpersontothinkIwasn’tgoodenough,buthewasthefirsttotryandruinoneofmybuddingfriendshipsbecauseofit.
Iflashedabrittlesmile.“Ifyou’llexcuseme,I’veexceededmydailytoleranceforyourpresence.”Islippedonmycoatandglovesandreadjustedmybag.“Giveyourdatemycondolences.”
Beforehecouldrespond,IpushedpasthimandquickenedmystepsuntilIhitthechillyMarchair.OnlythendidIallowmyselftorelax,thoughmypulsemaintaineditsfranticspeed.
OfallthepeopleIcould’verunintoatthebar,IhadtorunintoJoshChen.Couldthedaygetanyworse?
Icouldalreadyimaginethetauntshe’llpeppermewiththenexttimeIsawhim.
Rememberwhenyougotstoodup,JR?
Rememberwhenyousatatthebarforanhourbyyourselflikealoser?
RememberwhenyougotalldressedupandusedupthelastofyourfavoriteeyeshadowforadudenamedTodd?
Okay,hedidn’tknowaboutthelasttwothings,butIwouldn’tputitpasthimtofindout.
Ituckedmyhandsdeeperinmypocketsandturnedthecorner,eagertoputasmuchdistancebetweenmyselfandSatan’sspawnaspossible.
TheBronzeGearhadbeenlocatedonalivelystreetofrestaurants,withmusicwaftingintheairandpeoplespillingontothesidewalkeveninwintertime.TheoneIwaswalkingonnow,whileonlyonestreetover,waseerilyquiet.Shutteredshopslinedbothsidewalks,andscragglybunchesofweedssproutedfromcracksintheground.Thesunhadn’tquitesetyet,butthelengtheningshadowslentanominousairtothesurroundings.
Iwalkedfasteroutofinstinct,thoughIwasdistractednotonlybymyrun-inwithJoshbutalsothedozensofitemsonmyto-dolist.WhenIwasalone,myworriesandtaskscrowdedmybrainlikechildrenclamoringfortheirparents’attention.
Graduation,barprep,possiblyreamingToddoutovertext(no,notworthit),moreapartmentsearchingonline,Ava’ssurprisebirthdaypartythisweekend…
Waitaminute.
Birthday.March.
Icametoadeadhalt.
OhmyGod.
BesidesAva,IknewsomeoneelsewithabirthdayinearlyMarch,but…
Ifishedmyphoneoutofmypocketwithashakinghand,andmystomachplummetedwhenIsawthedate.March2.
Itwasherbirthdaytoday.Icompletelyforgot.
Tendrilsofguiltsqueezedmyinsides,andIwondered,asIdideveryyear,whetherIshouldcallher.Ineverdid,but…thisyearcouldbedifferent.
Itoldmyselfthateveryyear,too.
Ishouldn’tfeelguilty.Shenevercalledmeonmybirthday,either.OrChristmas.Oranyotherholiday.Ihadn’tseenorspokentoAdelineinsevenyears.
Call.Don’tcall.Call.Don’tcall
Iworriedmybottomlipbetweenmyteeth.
Itwasherforty-fifthbirthday.Thatwasabigone,right?BigenoughtowarrantaHappyBirthdayfromherdaughter…ifshecaredaboutgettinganythingfromme.
IwassobusydebatingmyselfIdidn’tnoticeanyoneapproachuntilthehardbarrelofagunpressedagainstmybackandaraspyvoicebarkedout,“Givemeyourphoneandwallet.Now.”
Myheartjolted,andIalmostdroppedmyphone.Disbeliefhardenedmylimbsintostone.
You’vegottobekiddingme.
Neverasktheuniversequestionsyoudon’twantansweredbecauseitturnsoutthedaycould,infact,getalotfuckingworse.2
JOSH
“Don’tsayit.”Icrackedopenmybeer,ignoringClara’samusedexpression.Thecutefemalebartendershe’dbeenflirtingwithhadlefttodealwiththehappyhourrush,andshe’dbeenwatchingmewithaknowingsmileeversince.
“Fine.Iwon’t.”Claracrossedherlegsandtookademuresipofherdrink.
ShewasanERnurseatThayerUniversityHospital,whereIwasathird-yearresidentspecializinginEmergencyMedicine,soourpathscrossedoften.We’dbeenfriendssincemyfirstyearofresidency,whenwebondedoverourmutualloveforactionsportsandcheesyninetiesmovies,butshehadasmuchsexualinterestinme,oranymemberofthemalespecies,asshedidarock.
Claracertainlywasn’tmydate,atleastnotintheromanticsense,butIhadn’tcorrectedJules’sassumption.Mypersonallifewasn’tanyofherbusiness.Hell,sometimesIwisheditwasn’tmybusiness.
“Good.”Icaughttheeyeofaprettyblondeattheotherendofthebarandflashedaflirtatioussmile.Shereturneditwithasuggestiveoneofherown.
ThiswaswhatIneededtonight.Alcohol,watchingtheWizardsgamewithClara,andsomeharmlessflirting.Anythingtotakemymindofftheletterwaitingformeathome.
Correction:letters.Asinplural.
December24.January16.February20.March2.ThedatesofthemostrecentlettersfromMichaelflashedthroughmymind.
Ireceivedoneeverymonthlikeclockwork,andIhatedmyselffornotthrowingthemouttheinstantIsawthem.
Itookalongswigofmybeer,tryingtoforgetthestackofunopenedmailsittinginmydeskdrawer.Itwasmysecondbeerinlessthantenminutes,butfuckit,I’dhadalongdayatwork.Ineededtotaketheedgeoff.
“I’vealwayslikedredheads,”Clarasaid,drawingmebacktoaconversationIdidn’twanttohave.“MaybebecauseTheLittleMermaidwasmyfavoriteDisneymoviegrowingup.”
Herfacecreasedintoasmileatmylong-sufferingsigh.
“Yourlackofsubtletyisastonishing.”
“Iliketohaveatleastonetraitthat’sastonishing.”Clara’ssmilewidened.“So,whowasshe?”
Therewasnousetryingtosidestepherquestion.Onceshesniffedoutsomethingshethoughtwasjuicy,shewasworsethanaPitbullwithabone.
“Mysister’sbestfriendandapaininmyass.”TensionknottedmyshouldersatthememoryofmyencounterwithJules.
ItwasjustlikehertobepricklyevenwhenItriedtohelpher.Forgetanolivebranch.Ishouldhandherabouquetofthornsandhopeitprickedthefuckoutofher.
EverytimeItriedtomakenice—which,tobefair,wasn’toften—sheremindedmeofwhywewouldneverbefriends.Wewerebothtoostubborn,ourpersonalitiestoosimilar.Itwaslikepittingfireagainstfire.
Unfortunately,JulesandmysisterAvahadbeenthickasthievessincetheyroomedtogethertheirfreshmanyearofcollege,whichmeantIwasstuckwithJulesinmylifenomatterhowmuchwegotoneachother’snerves.
Ididn’tknowwhatherissuewithmewas,butIknewshehadapenchantforgettingAvaintotrouble.
Inthesevenyearsthey’dknowneachother,I’dwatchedAvatripoutonJules’spotbrowniesandalmoststreaknakedataparty,consoledheraftershedrunkenlydyedherhairsemi-permanentorangeatJules’stwentiethbirthdayparty,andrescuedthemfromthesideofaroadinBumfuck,MarylandafterJuleshadthebrilliantideatojoinsomestrangerstheymetatabaronalast-minuteroadtriptoNewYork.Thecarbrokedownontheirwaythereand,luckily,thestrangersturnedouttobeharmless,butstill.Itcould’vegonesoverywrong.
Thosewerejustsomeofthehighlights.TherewereathousandotherinstanceswhenJuleshadconvincedmysistertogoalongwithoneharebrainedschemeoranother.
Avawasanadultandcapableofmakingherowndecisions,butshewasalsotoodamntrusting.Asherolderbrother,itwasmyjobtoprotecther,especiallyafterourmomdiedandourfatherturnedouttobeafuckingpsycho.
AndtherewasnodoubtinmymindthatJuleswasabadinfluence.Period.
Clara’smouthtwitched.“Doesthepaininyourasshaveaname?”
Itookanotherswigofbeerbeforeansweringwithacurt,“Jules.”
“Hmm.Julesisverypretty.”
“Mostflesh-eatingsuccubiare.It’showtheyropeyouin.”Aggravationcreptintomyvoice.
Yes,Juleswasbeautiful,butsowerewolfsbaneandblue-ringedoctopi.Prettyexteriorshidingdeadlypoisonwhich,inJules’scase,cameintheformofherviperoustongue.
Mostmenwereblindedbyallthosecurvesandbighazeleyes,butnotme.Iknewbetterthantofallforhertrap.ThepoorsodswhoseheartsshebrokeatThayerwerefurtherproofIneededtostayfarawayfromherformypersonalsanity.
“I’veneverseenyousoworkedupoverawoman.”Clara’sfacewasnowamaskofdelight.“WaittillItelltheothernurses.”
Oh,Jesus.
GossipGirlhadnothingonthenurses’station.Oncenewsreachedtheirears,itspreadthroughthehospitallikewildfire.
“Iamnotworkedup,andthere’snothingtotell.”Iswitchedthesubjectbeforeshecouldpressfurther.IhadnodesiretodiscussJulesAmbroseasecondlongerthannecessary.“Ifyouwantrealnews,here’ssomething:IfinallydecidedwhereI’mgoingforvacation.”
Sherolledhereyes.“That’snowherenearasinterestingasyourlovelife.Halfthenursesareinlovewithyou.Idon’tgetit.”
“It’sbecauseI’macatch.”
Itwasn’tarroganceifitwastrue.Iwouldneverhookupwithanyoneatthehospital,though.Ididn’tshitwhereIate.
“Humble,too.”ClarafinallygaveuptryingtopullmoreinformationaboutJulesoutofmeandwentalongwithmyobviousdeflection.“Okay,I’llbite.Whereareyougoingforvacation?”
Mygrinwasrealthistime.“NewZealand.”
I’dbeentornbetweenNewZealandforbungeejumpingandSouthAfricaforcagedivingwithsharks,butIfinallydecidedontheformerandboughtmyticketslastnight.
Medicalresidentshadcrapschedules,butthoseofusinemergencymedicinehaditbetterthansurgeons,forexample.Iworkedamixofeightandtwelve-hourshiftswithonemandateddayoffeverysixdaysandfourstretchesoffivedaysoffannually.Thetradeoffwasweworkednonstopduringourshifts,butIdidn’tmind.Busywasgood.Busykeptmymindoffotherthings.
Iwas,however,pumpedformyfirstvacationthisyear.I’dbeenapprovedforaweekoffinthespring,andIcouldalreadypicturemytimeinNewZealand:crispblueskies,snow-cappedmountains,thesensationofweightlessnessasIfreefellandtheadrenalinerushthatsetmybodyalivewheneverIindulgedinoneofmyfavoriteadventuresports.
“Shutup.”Claragroaned.“I’msojealous.Whichhikesareyougoingtodo?”
I’ddoneextensiveresearchonthebesthikesinthecountry,andIregaledherwithmyplansuntilthebartenderreturnedandshegotdistracted.SinceIdidn’twanttocockblock—orpussyblock,inthiscase—IfocusedonmydrinkandtheWizardsvs.RaptorsbasketballgameonTV.
Iwasabouttoorderanotherbeerwhenasoftfemalevoiceinterruptedme.
“Isthisseattaken?”
Iturned,takinginthecuteblondeI’dmadeeyecontactwithearlier.Ihadn’tnoticedherleaveherspotatthebar,butnowshestoodsocloseIcouldseethefaintsmatteringoffrecklesacrosshernose.
Habitkickedin,andIflashedalazysmilethatcausedtheblondetoblush.“It’sallyours.”
ThewholehookupsonganddancewassofamiliarbynowIbarelyhadtotry.Everythingwasmusclememory.Buyheradrink,askheraboutherself,listenattentively—orappeartodoso—withtheoccasionalnodandappropriateinterjection,brushmyhandagainstherstoestablishphysicalcontact.
Itusedtobethrilling,butnowIdiditbecause…well,Iwasn’tsure.BecauseitwaswhatI’dalwaysdone,Iguess.
“…wanttobeavet…”
Inoddedagain,strugglingnottoyawn.Whatthehellwaswrongwithme?
Robin,theblonde,washotandwillingtotakethissomewhereprivate,ifherhandonmyupperthighwasanyindication.Herchildhoodadventuresinhorsebackridingweren’texactlyriveting,butIwasusuallygoodatfindingatleastoneinterestingtidbitineveryconversation.
Maybeitwasme.Boredomwasmyconstantcompanionthesedays,andIdidn’tknowhowtogetridofthebastard.
ThepartiesIwenttowerethesameold,sameold.Myhookupswereunsatisfying.Mydateswerechores.TheonlytimeIfeltanythingwaswhenIwasintheER.
IglancedatClara.Shewasstillflirtingwiththebartender,whowasactivelyignoringhercustomersandstaringatClarawithanenamoredexpression.
“…can’tdecideifIwantaPomeranianorChihuahua…”Robindronedon.
“Pomeranianssoundnice.”Imadeashowofcheckingmywatchbeforesaying,“Hey,I’msorrytocutthisshort,butIhavetopickupmycousinfromtheairport.”Itwasn’tthebestexcuse,butitwasthefirstoneIcouldthinkof.
Robin’sfacefell.“Oh,okay.Maybewecanmeetupsometime.”Shescribbledhernumberonanapkinandpusheditintomyhand.“Callme.”
Irespondedwithanoncommittalsmile.Ididn’tlikepromisingthingsIcouldn’tfulfill.
Havefun,ImouthedatClaraonmywayout.Sheshookherheadandgavemeasmallsmirkbeforeshiftingherattentionbacktothebartender.
Itwasmyquickestexitfromabarinawhile.Iwasn’tupsetabouthowthenightturnedout.ClaraandIoftenwentdrinkingtogetherandsplitwhenwegot…distracted,butnowIhadtofigureoutwheretogo.
Itwasstillearly,andIdidn’twanttoreturnhomeyet.Ialsodidn’twanttohituponeoftheotherbarsliningthestreetincaseRobinwentbarhoppinglater.
Fuckit.I’llfinishwatchingthegameatthedivespotnearmyhouse.BeerandTVwerebeerandTV,nomatterwheretheywerelocated.Hopefully,themetrowasrunningontimesoIwouldn’tmisstherestofthegame.
Iturnedthecornerontothequietstreetleadingtothemetrostation.ImadeithalfwaywhenIspottedaflashofredhairandafamiliarpurplecoatinthealleywaynexttoanout-of-businessshoestore.
Mystepsslowed.WhatthehellwasJulesstilldoinghere?She’dleftagoodtwentyminutesbeforeme.
ThenInoticedtheglintofmetalinherhand.Agun—pointedstraightatthescraggly,beardedmaninfrontofher.
“Whatthefuck?”Mywordsechoedintheemptystreetandbouncedofftheshutteredstorefrontsindisbelief.
MaybeIfellasleepatthebarandenteredtheTwilightZone,becausethesceneinfrontofmedidn’tmakeanyfuckingsense.
WherethehelldidJulesgetagun?
Julesshiftedpositionssoshecouldlookatmewithouttakinghereyesofftheman.Athreadbarebeaniesatontopofhislongishbrownhair,andablackcoatthatwastwosizestoobighungonhisskinnyframe.
“Hetriedtomugme,”shesaidmatter-of-factly.
Beanieglaredatherresentfullybutwassmartenoughtokeephismouthshut.
Ipinchedmytemple,hopingitwouldjoltmeoutofwhateveralternaterealityI’dsteppedinto.Nope.Stillfuckinghere.“AndIassumethat’shisgun?”
IwassomehownotsurprisedJuleshadturnedthetablesonherwould-bemugger.Ifshegotkidnapped,thekidnapperwouldprobablyreturnherwithinthehourduetosheerirritation.
“Yes,Sherlock.”Jules’shandtightenedontheweapon.“Icalledthepolice.They’reontheway.”
Asifoncue,thewailofsirensslicedthroughtheair.
Beaniestiffened,hiseyesdartingaroundwithwildpanic.
“Don’teventhinkaboutit,”Juleswarned.“OrI’llshoot.Idon’tbluff.”
“She’lldoit,”Itoldhim.“OnetimeIsawhernailaguyintheasswithaSmith&Wessonbecausehestoleabagofchipsfromher.”Iloweredmyvoicetoaconspiratorialstagewhisper.“Shetakeshangrytoanotherlevel.”
Thesituationwasalreadyabsurdenough.Imightaswellplayintoit.
LikeIsaid,Iwasbored.
Jules’smouthtwitchedatmyfabricationbeforeherfaceresettledintoasternfrown.
Beanie’seyeswidened.“Youserious?”Hisgazeping-pongedbetweenus.“Howdoyoutwoknoweachother?Youbanging?”
JulesandIrecoiledinunison.
EitherBeanieaskedsuchastupid,out-of-placequestiontodistractus,orhewantedtomakemethrowup.Ifitwasthelatter,hewasclosetosucceeding.Mystomachchurnedlikeacementmixeronoverdrive.
“Iwouldnever.Lookathim.”Julesgesturedatmewithherfreehand.“LikeIwouldevertouchthat.”
Beaniesquintedatme.“What’swrongwithhim?”
“Iwouldn’tletyoutouchmeifyouofferedtopayoffallmymedschoolloans,”Igrowled.
Ididn’tcareifJulesAmbrosewasthelastwomanintheworld.ShewasonepersonI’dneversleepwith.Ever.
Sheignoredme.“Youeverhearthesaying,thebiggertheego,thesmallerthepenis?”sheaskedBeanie.“Appliestohim.”
“Oh.Thatsucks.”Beanieglancedatmewithsympathy.“Sorry,dude.”
Aveinthrobbedinmytemple.IopenedmymouthtoinformherIwouldratherdousemyselfinbleachthanallowheranywherenearmypenis,buttheslamofacardoorinterruptedme.
AcopthesizeoftheHulkgotoutwithhisgundrawn.“Freeze!Dropyourweapon.”
IgroanedandalmostpinchedmytempleagainbeforeIcaughtmyself.
Forfuck’ssake.
Ishould’veleftwhenIhadthechance.
Now,Iwasdefinitelygoingtomisstherestofthegame.3
JOSH
Forty-fiveminutesanddozensofquestionslater,thecopsfinallyletusgo.
Beaniehadbeentakenintocustody,andJulesandIwalkedinsilencetowardthemetrostationonthenextstreet.Mostpeoplewouldfreakoutafterbeingthevictimofamuggingattempt,butsheactedlikeshe’djustfinishedgroceryshopping.
Iwaslessserene.NotonlyhadIwastedanhourbeinggrilledbythepolice,butI’dalsomissedtherestofthegame.
“TellmewhyeverytimeIrunintotrouble,you’reinvolved,”Isaidthroughgrittedteethasthemetrocameintoview.
“It’snotmyfaultyouchosetowalkdownthatstreetandyouchosetostayforamerryinterludeinsteadofgoingonyourway,”Julesretorted.“Ihadithandled.”
Isnorted,myshoespoundingafuriousrhythmonthesteps.Icould’vetakentheescalator,butIneededtoworkoffmyaggravation.Julesmust’vefeltthesameway,becauseshewasrighttherenexttome,pissingmeoff.
“Merryinterlude?Whotalkslikethat?Andtherewasnothingmerryaboutit,Ipromise.”Ireachedtheturnstilesandyankedoutmywallet.“Toobadthepolicedidn’ttakeyouintocustodytoo.You’reamenacetosociety.”
“Accordingtowho?You?”Shelookedmeoverwithdisdain.
“Yes.”Igaveheracoldsmile.“Meandeverypersonwho’shadthemisfortuneofrunningintoyou.”
Itwasahorriblethingtosay,butbetweentheletters,alongshiftatthehospital,andmygeneralexistentialcrisis,Iwasn’tfeelingparticularlycharitable.
“God,you.Are,”Julesslammedhermetrocardonthereaderwithunnecessaryforce,“The.Worst.”
Ipassedthroughtheturnstilebehindher.“No,thatwouldbeyoursenseofself-preservation.It’scommonsensetogivemuggerswhattheywant.”ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreheractionsbaffledandinfuriatedme.“Whatifyoucouldn’tdisarmhim?Whatifhehadanotherweaponyoudidn’tknowabout?Youcould’vefuckingdied!”
Jules’sfaceflushed.“Stopyellingatme.You’renotmyfather.”
“I’mnotyelling!”
Westoppedbeneaththescheduleboardannouncingthearrivalofthenexttrainineightminutes.Thestationwasemptysaveforacouplemakingoutononeofthebenchesandasuitedbusinesstypeatthefarendoftheplatform,anditwasquietenoughformetohearthefuriousrushofbloodinmyears.
Weglaredateachother,ourchestsheavingwithemotion.Iwantedtoshakeherforbeingsostupidastoputherlifeindangeroverafuckingphoneandwallet.
JustbecauseIdidn’tlikeherdidn’tmeanIwantedherdead.
Notallthetime,anyway.
Iexpectedanothersnarkyretort,butJulesturnedawayandlapsedintosilence.
Itwascompletelyoutofcharacterandgoddamnunnerving.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimesheletmehavethelastword.
Iexhaledsharplythroughmynose,forcingmyselftocalmdownandthinkclearlyaboutthesituation.
NomatterhowIfeltabouther,JuleswasAva’sfriend,andshe’djustsurvivedanarmedmuggingattempt.Unlessshewasadamnrobot,shecouldn’tbeasunaffectedbywhathappenedassheappeared.
Iexaminedheroutofthecornerofmyeye,takinginhertightjawandramrod-straightback.Herexpressionwasblank—alittletoomuchso.
Myangercooled,andIrubbedahandovermyjaw,torn.JulesandIdidn’tcomforteachother.Wedidn’tsomuchassayblessyouwhentheothersneezed.But…
Dammit.
“Youokay?”Iaskedgruffly.Icouldn’tnotcheckonsomeoneaftertheyalmostdied,nomatterwhotheywere.ItwentagainsteverythingIbelievedinasadoctorandahumanbeing.
“I’mfine.”Julestuckedherhairbehindherear,hervoiceflat,butIdetectedaslightshakeinherhand.
Adrenalinerusheswerecrazythings.Theymadeyoustronger,morefocused.Theymadeyoufeelinvincible.Butoncethehighdisappearedandyoucrashedbacktoearth,youhadtodealwiththeaftermath—theshakyhands,theweaklegs,theworriesyou’dstavedoffforabriefmomentintimeonlytoallcomerushingbackinonegiantflood.
IwouldbetmylastdollarJuleswasinthemidstofapost-rushcrash.
“Areyouhurt?”
“No.Igotthegunawayfromhimbeforehecoulddoanything.”Julesstaredstraightahead,sointenseIhalf-expectedhertoburnaholeinthestationwall.
“Didn’trealizeyouwereasecretsupersoldier.”Iattemptedtolightentheair,thoughIwascuriousashellastowhathappened.We’dtalkedtothepoliceseparately,soIhadn’theardherrecounthowshe’ddisarmedBeanie
“Youdon’thavetobeasupersoldiertodisarmsomeone.”Shewrinkledhernose.Finally.Asignofnormality.“Itookself-defenseclasseswhenIwasyounger.Theyincludedlearninghowtohandleamugger.”
Huh.Iwouldn’thavefiguredherforsomeonewhotookself-defenseclasses.
ThetrainpulledintothestationbeforeIcouldrespond.Therewerenoemptyseatssincethestopbeforethisonewasapopularhub,sowestoodshoulder-to-shouldernearthedoorsuntilwereachedHazelburg,theMarylandsuburbthathousedThayer’scampus.
JulesandIusedtobenextdoorneighborswhensheandAvalivedtogethertheirsenioryear,butAvahadsincemovedtothecityandI’drentedanewplace.Thereweretoomanyunwantedmemoriesinmyoldhouse.
Still,Hazelburgwasasmalltown,andmyandJules’shouseswereonlyatwenty-minutewalkfromeachother.
Weunconsciouslyfellintostepbesideeachotherafterexitingthestation
“Don’ttellAvaoranyoneelsewhathappened,”Julessaidwhenwereachedthecornerwherewehadtosplit—hertotheleft,metotheright.“Idon’twantthemtoworry.”
“Iwon’t.”Shewasright.Avawouldworry,andtherewasnopointingettingherworkedupoversomethingthathadalreadyhappened.“Yousureyou’reokay?”
IalmostofferedtowalkJuleshome,butthatmightbetoomuch.We’dreachedourlimitsofcivilitywitheachother,asevidencedbythenextwordsoutofhermouth.
“Yes.”Sherubbedherthumbandforefingerovertheoppositesleeveofhercoat,herexpressiondistracted.“Don’tbelatetoAva’spartyonSaturday.Irealizepunctualityisnotoneofyourfewvirtues,butit’simportantyou’reontime.”
Mysympathyevaporatedinagustofannoyance.“Iwon’tbelate,”Isaidthroughclenchedteeth.“Don’tworryaboutme.”
Iwalkedawaybeforeshecouldrespond,notbotheringtosaygoodbye.Juleshadtoruinitevery.Single.Fucking.Time.
Maybeherpricklinesswasadefensemechanism,butthatwasnoneofmybusiness.Iwasn’theretopeelbackherlayerslikewewereinoneofthosedamnedromancenovelsAvalikedsomuch.
IfJuleswantedtobeinsufferable,Ihadeveryrighttosavemyselffromsufferingbyremovingmyselffromherpresence.
Thewindnippedatmyfaceandhowledthroughthetrees,underscoringhowquietthestreetswere.HazelbergwasoneofthesafesttownsintheU.S.but…
ThewayJules’shandshookwhilewewerewaitingforthemetro.Thetensioninhershoulders.Thepalenessofherskin.
Mybriskwalkslowedtoameander.
You’rereadingtoomuchintoonemovement.Justgohome,man.
Sowhatifitwasdarkandshewasalone?Thechancesofanythinghappeningtoherwereslim,evenifshewasamagnetfortrouble.
Iclosedmyeyes,unabletobelieveIwasevencontemplatingdoingwhatIwasabouttodo.
“Godmotherfuckingdammit.”IbitoutthewordsbeforeIstoppedanddoublebackedinthedirectionJuleshadgonein.Isetmyjaw,growingangrierwitheachstep.
Angryatmyconscience,whichreareditsheadattheworsttimes.AngryatJules,forexisting;atAva,forbeingfriendswithher,andatThayer’shousingcoordinator,forplacingtheminthesameroomandthereforemakingtheirfriendshipaninevitabilityallthoseyearsago.
Fatelikedtoscrewwithme,andit’dneverscrewedmeoverharderthanwhenit’dintroducedacertainredheadintomylife.
Itdidn’ttakemelongtocatchupwithJules.Istayedfarenoughbehindhersoshewouldn’tnoticemebutcloseenoughIcouldseeher.Thebrightcolorsofherhairandcoatmadeiteasy,eveninthedark.
Ifeltlikeatotalcreep,butifshesawmefollowingher,we’dgetintoanotherargument,andIwastootiredforthatshit.
Luckily,wearrivedatherhouseinlessthantenminutes,andIrelaxedwhenIsawtheglowoflightsbehindthecurtains.Stella,anothercollegefriendofAva’sandJules’sroommate,mustbehomealready.
Juleswalkedontotheporch,reachedintoherbag…andpaused.
Itensedagainandedgedbehindatreeontheoppositesidewalkincasesheturnedaround,butshedidn’t.Shejuststoodthere,frozen,forafullminute.
Whatthehellwasshedoing?
Iwasabouttocrossthestreetincaseshewasinshockorsomethingwhenshefinallymovedagain.Shetookthekeysoutofherbag,unlockedthedoor,anddisappearedinside.
Ireleasedmybreathinonelong,slowsigh.Itformedatinywhitepuffinthewintryair,andIwaitedanotherminute,myeyeslingeringonthespotwhereJuleshadstood,beforeIturnedandwalkedhome.4
JULES
“Howwasyourdate?”StellalookedupfromherphonewhenIenteredthelivingroom.
“Hedidn’tshow.”Iunbuttonedmycoatandhungitonthebrasstreebythefrontdoor.Ittookmetwotries,thankstothetrembleinmyhand.
It’sthecold.NottheattemptedmuggingorthebriefmomentofparalysisI’dexperiencedontheporchwhenI—
Stop.Don’tthinkaboutit.
Stella’seyeswidened.“Noway.Whatanasshole.”
Icrackedasmile.Stellararelycursed,soitalwaysamusedmewhensheletabadwordslip.
“It’sokay.Idodgedabullet.Imean,haveyouseenhisdatingapppicture?Thatfreakin’fish.Ihonestlydon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.”Ipeeledoffmyglovesandtookoffmyshoes,avoidingmyfriend’seyeswhileItriedtosuckenoughoxygenintomylungs.
Ithadn’ttakenmelongtodisarmthemugger,butthesensationofbeinghelpless,evenforafewminutes,resurfacedmemoriesbetterleftburied.
Wooddiggingintomyback.Sourbreathonmyneck.Handson—
“Jules.”
Istartledandalmostknockedoverthecoattree.
I’dheldontomycalmduringtheaftermathoftheattemptedmugging,butnowthatIwassafelyhome,mybodyfinallystartedtoprocesswhathappened.
Itwasn’tpretty.
Myheartwasafranticdrumbeatinmychest,mystomachastormofnausea.Stella’spresencewastheonlythingkeepingmeupright.
Herbrowcreased.“Areyouokay?You’vebeenstaringintospaceforthepastfiveminutes.Icalledyournametwice.”
“Yep.”Ipastedonabrightsmile.“Ijustspaced.ThinkingofwaystogetbackatTodd.”
Iwasn’tgoingtowasteanotherdropofenergyontheasshole,butStelladidn’tknowthat.
Shetiltedherhead,hercatlikegreeneyesnarrowing.Asafashionbloggerandinfluencer,shewasgluedtoherphoneninetypercentofthetime,butshewasalsomoreobservantthanpeoplegavehercreditfor.
“Youwouldn’twastemoreenergyonthatguy,”shesaid.
Okay,therewasobservantandtherewascreepy.Maybethosegrosswheatgrasssmoothiesshelovedsomuchgavehersuperpowers,likereadingminds.
“Seriously,I’mfine.”Iuppedthewattageofmysmile.Ihadnoqualmsaboutturningtomyfriendsforadvice,butonlywhentheycoulddosomethingaboutit.Otherwise,therewasnopointmakingthemworry.“Ijustwanttowatchamovie,eaticecream,andforgetaboutToddtheToad.”
AsparkofsuspicionremainedinStella’seyes,butthankfully,shedidn’tpresstheissue.“Wehaveapintofsaltedcaramelicecreamleft,”shesaid.“LegallyBlonderewatchwhilewefinishit?”
“Always.”InevergottiredofwatchingaperfectlycoiffedElleWoodskickass.“I’mgonnashowerfirst.Youdowhateveryouhavetodo.”
“GoingthroughmyDMs.”Shesighed.“NotthatI’llevergetthroughthemall.”
“Youdon’thavetoreplytoallofthem,youknow.”
Stellahadhundredsofthousandsoffollowers,andIcouldn’timaginehowmanymessagesfloodedherinboxonadailybasis.
“Iwantto.Unlessthey’recreeps.”Shewavedahandintheair.“Godoyourthing.I’llbehere.”
WhileStellareturnedtoherphone,Ienteredoursharedbathroomandturnedontheshower,mysmilefading.
IwaiteduntiltheairthickenedwithsteambeforeIsteppedintothetubandrestedmyforeheadagainsttheslicktilewall,lettingthedrumofthewaterwashawaymyunwantedmemories.
Mysenioryearofhighschool.AlastairandMaxandAdeline—
Stop.
“Getyourselftogether,Jules,”Iwhisperedfiercely.
Iwasn’tayoung,helplessgirltrappedinOhioanymore.
Iwasinawholeotherstate,abouttogaineverythingIhadeverdreamedof.
Money.Freedom.Security.
AndI’dbedamnedifIletanyonetakethatawayfromme.5
JULES
BythetimeAva’ssurprisepartyrolledaround,I’dshovedthemuggingattemptintothedimrecessesofmymind.Distractionwasthekeytorepressingmemories,andluckily,Ihadenoughdistractionstokeepmebusyforthenextfiveyears.
“Ican’tbelieveyouguysdidthis.”Avaturnedslowly,takingintherestaurantthathadbeentransformedintoaveritablepartyhallwithwideeyes.Andbypartyhall,Imeantaseven-footicesculpture,multiplegourmetfoodstations,aliveDJ,achocolatefountain,andatemporarydancefloor,allcourtesyofherricher-than-Godboyfriend.“Youabsolutelydidn’thaveto.”
“No,butwewantedto.”Iflashedamischievousgrin.“Plus,itwasagoodexcusetogetachocolatefountain.I’vealwayswantedtoseeoneinreallife.”Ihuggedherandbreathedinherfamiliarperfume.Thescenttriggeredawaveofnostalgia.
AvahadbeenthefirstpersonI’dmetatThayer.We’dhititoffrightaway,andIwouldneverforgethowshestuckbymewhenJoshinsistedsheendourfriendship.SheandJoshwereextremelyclose,sothefactshestooduptohimformemeantmorethanshewouldeverknow.
Westillhungoutaftergraduation,butnotasoftenasIwouldlike.PartofmewishedwecouldgobacktothedayswhenAva,Stella,Bridget,andIwouldstayupallnight,binge-eatingcheesepuffsandlisteningtothegirlsinthedormroomnexttooursscreamateachotherbecauseoneofthemhookedupwiththeother’sboyfriend.
“Happybirthday,babe.”Ismiled,notwantingtobeadownerdespitethemelancholygrippingme.“Surprised?”
“Definitely.”Avaturnedtoherboyfriendandswattedhimonthearm,thoughhereyessparkledwithdelight.“Youtoldmeweweregoingtolunch!”
“Weareatlunch.”AshadowofasmilegracedAlexVolkov’slips.Avawasprobablytheonlypersonwhocouldpullsomuchemotionoutofhim—yes,thatwassarcasm—andtheonlyonewhocouldhithim,evenplayfully,withoutlosingalimb.“Technically.”
Igasped.“Wasthatajoke?”IlookedaroundatAvaandStellaandpurposefullyskippedoverJosh,whostoodontheothersideofAva.“Alexmadeajoke.Quick,someonemarkdownthedateandtime.”
“Hilarious,”hesaidflatly.
HeradiatedCEOvibeseveninabutton-downshirtandjeans,whichwasascasualasAlexevergot.Hiseyesglintedlikejade-coloredicechipsinafacethatcould’vebeencarvedbyMichelangelohimself,andhisexpressionwascoldenoughtogivesomeonefreezerburn.
Whatever.Hecouldglareallhewanted,butasAva’sfriend,Iwasimmunetohiswrath,andheknewit.
“Yousurprisedmewithabirthdaypartyonce,”hetoldAva,hisvoicesofteningasmidge.“IfigureditwaspasttimeIreturnedthefavor.”
IcouldpracticallyseeAvamelt.
“IthinkIjustgotatoothachefromthesweetness,”StellasaidasAlexwhisperedsomethingelseinAva’searthatmadeherblush.
“Weneedtobookadentistappointment,stat,”Iagreed.
Despiteourjokes,weweregrinninglikeidiots.AlexandAvahadbeenthroughalot,anditwasniceseeingthemsohappy,thoughthewordwasrelativewhereAlexwasconcerned.
Meanwhile,Joshloungedagainstthedesserttable,hisexpressiondarkerthanhisblackshirt.
HeusedtobebestfriendswithAlexuntiltheirfallingout,whichwasawholeotherstoryuntoitself.Theywerecivilnow,buttherewasabigdifferencebetweencivilandfriends.
“Wipethesourexpressionoffyourface,Dr.Killjoy,”Isaid.“You’rebringingdownthevibes.”
“Ifmyfacebothersyousomuch,don’tlookatit,”hedrawled.“Unlessyoucan’thelpyourself,whichisunderstandable.”
Iscowled.I’dplannedthepartywithhelpfromStellaandAlex,andwhileI’dbeentemptedtoexcludeJoshfromtheguestlist,hewasAva’sbrother.Hispresencewasexpected,likeE.colionundercookedchicken
BeforeIcouldrespondtohisconceitedstatement,anexcitedsquealpuncturedtheair,followedbyaloudclatterandtwodozenheadsswivelingtowardtheentrance.
Ifollowedtheirwide-eyedstarestothecouplethathadjustentered,flankedbytwosuitedbodyguardsthesizeofmountains.
Myfacelitup.“Bridget!”
Shegrinnedandwaved.“Surprise.”
“OhmyGod!”IrushedovertoheratthesametimeasAvaandStella,andwecollidedinamessy,laughinggrouphugthatwould’veendedwithusonthefloorhadBridget’sfiancéRhysandbodyguardBoothnotsteadiedus.“Ithoughtyoucouldn’tmakeit!”
“Myschedulerfoundaneventattheembassythatcoincidentally‘required’mypresencethisweekend.”Bridget’sblueeyesglowedwithmischief.“Mymeetingwiththeambassadorranlong,orIwould’vegottenheresooner.”ShegaveAvaaone-on-onehugafterweuntangledourselves.“Happybirthday,sweetie.”
“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere.”Avasqueezedhertight.“Youmustbesobusy…”
BridgetvonAschebergmayhaveattendedThayerUniversitywithus,butthatwaswhereoursimilaritiesendedbecauseshewasanhonesttoGod,real-lifequeen.
She’dbeenaprincesswhenwemether,butafterherolderbrotherabdicated,BridgetbecamefirstinlinetothethroneofEldorra,asmallEuropeankingdom.Hergrandfather,theformerKingEdvard,recentlysteppeddownduetohealthissuesandBridgethadbeencoronatedqueentwomonthsago.
“Iwouldn’tmissthisfortheworld.Plus,it’sagoodbreak.”Bridgetbrushedastrandofgoldenhairoutofhereyes.Withherblueeyes,classicfeatures,andcoolelegance,sheboreastrikingresemblancetoGraceKelly.“Parliamentisbeingdifficult.Again.”
“Igotheroutofthepalacejustintime,orshewould’verupturedanartery,”Rhysadded,hisdrytoneatoddswiththeaffectioninhiseyesashelookedatBridget.
Standingatatattooed,muscledsixfootfive,RhysLarsenwasoneofthemostdangerouslygood-lookingmenI’devermet,butbeneathhisroughexteriorwasaheartofgold.HeusedtobeBridget’sbodyguarduntiltheyfellinlove,andnowhewasthefuturePrinceConsort,sincetheKingConsorttitledidn’texistinEldorra.They’dhadtoovercomealotofobstaclestobetogetherconsideringshewasroyaltyandhewasn’t,buttheywerenowoneofthemostbelovedcouplesintheworld.
Theloudsnapofacamerashutterinterruptedourreunion,andIsuddenlyrememberedweweren’talone.Therestoftheguestswerestillstaring,slack-jawed,atBridgetandRhys.
Havingaliteralqueenwaltzintoabirthdaypartywithoutwarningcouldbeabitofashock.
Nooneapproachedusthough,exceptforJosh,whogreetedBridgetwithanormalhugandRhyswithoneofthosehandshakehugsguyslovedsomuch.IguessBoothandRhys’sbodyguardlookedintimidatingenoughtoscareoffpeoplefromapproaching.
“So.”BridgetlinkedherarmwithAva’sandwalkedtothenearesttable.“TellmewhatImissed.”
Forthenexthalfhour,wecaughteachotheruponourliveswhileJoshhitthebarandAlexandRhyssatquietlyacrossthetable.TheyoccasionallysaidsomethingtoeachotherbutspentmostofthetimewatchingAvaandBridgetwithinfatuatedexpressions.Well,asinfatuatedassomeoneascoldasAlexandasgruffasRhyscouldlookanyway.
Iignoredthepanginmyheartattheirobviousloveformyfriendsandrefocusedontheconversation.
I’dgivenuponlovealongtimeago.Therewasnouselongingforit.
“JulesandIarelookingforanewplaceafterourcurrentleaseisup,”Stellasaid.WestilllivedinHazelburgsinceIwasattendingThayerLaw,butourleaseendedinApril,andIwouldbegraduatinginlateMay.Afterthat,we’dbothbeworkinginthecity,soitmadesenseforustofindsomethinginD.C.“Noluckyetthough.”
Everythingwefoundwaseithertoofarfromouroffices,tooexpensive,ortoogross.Iwasprettysureoneoftheapartmentswe’dlookedatusedtobeadrugden.
Gottalovehousehuntinginthecity
“Whereareyoulookingtomove?”Rhysasked.
“Ideallydowntown,anywhereclosetotheredline,”Isaid.TheredlinedroppedmeoffrightatThayer,andthefewermetrotransfersIhadtoendure,thebetter.
Athoughtfulexpressioncrossedhisface.“Iknowsomeonewhoownsabuildingdowntown.Hemaybeabletohelp.Don’tknowifhehasanyopenings,butI’llask.”
Stella’seyebrowsshotup.“Heownstheentirebuilding?”
Rhysshrugged.Hisshouldersweresomassivethemovementwasakintomountainsshaking.“He’sintorealestateinvestment.”
“Thatwouldbegreat.”IgaveAlexapointedstare.“Atleastsomeoneinrealestatecanhelpus.”
AlexwasCEOofTheArcherGroup,thelargestrealestatedevelopmentcompanyinthecountry.
Iwasjokingabouthimhelpingus,butheactuallyrespondedinsteadofignoringme.“Mypropertiesarefull,unlessyouwanttosleepinashoppingcenterorofficebuilding.”
“Hmm.”Itappedafingeronmychin.“Theshoppingcenterhaspotential.Iloveclothes.”
“Metoo,”Stellaagreed.
Alexlookedunamused.
“Speakingofrealestatedevelopment…”AvasaidasJoshreappearedwithadrinkinhand.HeslidintotheemptychairnexttoAlex’s,takinggreatcarenottolookathisex-bestfriend.“OneofAlex’sbusinessassociateshasanewskiresortinVermont,andweboughtticketsforthegrandopeningtosupporthim.Fourtickets,tobeexact,sowecanbringtwoguests.BridgetandRhys,Iknowyouguyswon’tbehere,andStella,youmentionedyouhaveabigeventinNewYorkthelastweekendofMarch…”
Stellawasalwaysgettinginvitedtofancyfashioneventsbecauseofherblog,butifshecouldn’tmakeit,andBridgetandRhyscouldn’tmakeit,thatleft…
Ohno.
“Josh,Jules,whatdoyouthink?Wecanallgotogether.”Avabeamed.“It’llbesomuchfun!”
AweekendtripwithJosh?I’dhavemorefungettingarootcanalwithoutNovocain,butAvalookedsoexcitedIcouldn’tbeartosayno,especiallyonherbirthday.
“Yay.”ItriedtosummonasmuchenthusiasmasIcould.“Can’twait.”
“Iwouldloveto,but…”Joshgrimaced,doingtheworstjoboffakingremorseI’deverseen.“I’mworkingthatweekend.”
ThankGod.IcouldhandlethirdwheelingitifitmeantIwouldn’thaveto—
“Toobad.”Avadidn’tblinkaneyeatherbrother’sresponse.“Theresorthasatripleblackdiamond.”
Josh’sglassfrozehalfwaytohislips.“You’reshittingme.”
Mystomachsank.Joshwasanotoriousadrenalinejunkie,andtherewerefewthingsmoreadrenaline-inducingthanthemostdangeroustypeofskitrailintheworld.Itwaslikewavingpremiumpowderunderacocaineaddict’snose.
“Nope.”AvasippedherdrinkwhileStellastaredatherphone,barelyhidinghergrin,andRhysandBridgetexchangedamusedglances.Alexwastheonlyonewhoshowednovisiblereaction.“Iknowyou’vealwayswantedtoskionone,butsinceyouhavetowork…”
“IthinkIcantradeshifts,”Joshsaidafteralongpause.
“Great!”Ava’seyessparkledinawaythatsetoffmyinneralarmbells.“It’ssettledthen.You,me,Alex,andJulesaregoingtoVermont.”
Josh’sstrainedsmilemirroredmyown.Wedidn’tagreeonmuch,buthedidn’thavetosayitformetoknowweagreedonatleastonething.
Thetripwouldn’tendwell.Atall.6
JOSH
ThelistofthingsI’dratherdobesidesgoonaweekendtripwithmyex-bestfriendandtheredheadedmenaceincluded,butwasnotlimitedto,feedingmyhandthroughawoodchipper,eatingapoundofrawmaggots,andwatchingGlitteronrepeatwithmyeyestapedopen.
But—andthiswasabigbut—itwasAva’sbirthday,andtheresorthadatripleblackdiamond.I’dneverskiedatripleblackdiamondbefore.
Theprospectofthechallengesentarushthroughmyblood.Iwouldbeanidiottoturntheopportunitydown.
“Josh.”
MyspinestiffenedwhenAlexappeared,theglassofCokeandwhiskeyinhishandmatchingmine.
“Alex.”
IkeptmyeyesonthedancefloorwhereAvaandherfriendswerepartyinglikeitwas1999.We’dlongdispersedfromourtable,andtherestoftheguestshadstoppedgawkingatBridgetandtransitionedtosneakingpeeksinbetweensongs.Hersecurityhadtemporarilyconfiscatedeveryone’sphones,butIbetafewpeoplehadsnappedpicturesofherwhenshearrivedandsaidpictureswouldbesplashedalloverthegossipsitesbytomorrowmorning.
“Surprisedyou’renotouttherewitheveryoneelse.”Alexleanedagainstthewall,hiseyesalsoontheparty,thoughtheyweretrainedonlyonAva.“Youusedtobethefirstpersononthedancefloor.”
“Yes,well.”Idrainedmydrinkinonelonggulp.“Alothaschangedsincecollege.”
Theunspokenmeaninghungsharpandheavybetweenus,likeaguillotinewaitingtodrop.
Once,AlexandIhadbeenbestfriends.
Now,wewerestrangerswithonlyonecommonalitytyingustogether.
Ifitweren’tforAva,IwouldhappilyneverseeorspeaktoAlexagain.
Atleast,thatwaswhatItoldmyself.
“Vermontwasn’tmyidea,”Alexsaid,sidesteppingtheelephantintheroom.
“Iknow.Avaisn’tassneakyasshethinkssheis.”
She’dbeentryingtogetmeandAlextomakeupforoverayear.Shemayhaveforgivenhimforlyingtoustogetclosertomyfather,whomAlexthoughthadbeentheonebehindhisfamily’smurder,butthebetrayalrandeeperforme.
AvaandAlexhadonlybeendatingforafewmonthswhenhediscoveredhisunclewastherealculpritandherevealedthetruthbehindhisrevengeplan.ButheandIhadbeenfriendsforeightyears.
I’dinvitedAlexintomyhome.Treatedhimlikeabrother.SharedsecretsandadviceandthingsI’dnevertoldmyownfamily.Andallthattime,he’dbeenlyingtome.Usingme.
Thewhiskeyaftertasteturnedbitteronmytongue.
“Shemissesyou,”Alexsaidquietly.
“I’mrighthere.”Iglancedatthebar.“Wetextallthetime.”
“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Idon’t,actually.”
Hismouthflattenedintoatightline.“You’vebeenactingdifferentlately.Avaisworried—”
“Dude,stop.”Iheldupmyhand.“IfAvaisworriedaboutme,shecantellmeherself.Butdon’tactlikewe’regoingtobebestfriendsagain.We’renot.Becauseyouknowwhat’srequiredinafriendship?Trust.Andyoulostminealongtimeago.”
IsteppedaroundAlexbeforehecouldrespondandwentstraighttothebar,mythroatandchesttight.Hedidn’tfollowme,andIdidn’texpecthimto.Hedidn’tchaseafteranyoneexceptAva.ItwastheonlyreasonIhadn’tputupmoreofafightwhentheygotbacktogether.
Forallhisfaultsandfuckups,Alexreallydidlovemysister.Iwantedhertobesafeandhappy,andifshewassafeandhappywithhim,thenIcouldsuckitupandactcivil.
Thatdidn’tmeanIhadtohaveheartfeltconversationswithhimonthesidelinesofthedancefloorthough.
“Hey,man.”Inoddedatthebartender.“Tequilashot.Makeitadouble.”
Ineededsomethingstrongerthanwhiskeytogetthroughtherestoftheparty.
“Yougotit.”
I’djusttuckedacoupleofdollarsinthetipjarwhenIwasinterrupted,yetagain,byawhollyunwelcomeinterloper.
“Troubleinbromanceland?”ThesilkypurrsentarippleofirritationandsomethingelseIcouldn’tnamedownmyspine.
“Beatit,JR.I’mnotinthemood.”Ididn’tturnmyheadtolookatJules,butIcouldseetheflashofdistinctiveredhairandthegoldsparklesofherdressoutofthecornerofmyeye
“Yournicknamingskillsleavealottobedesired,Joshy.”Julescameupbesidemeandsmiledatthebartender,whostoppedmakingmydrinktosmilebackather.“I’llhaveaSexontheBeach,ifthat’snottoomuchtoask.”Shetappedhernailonthemenu,whichlistedonlybasicdrinkslikescrewdriversandcranberryvodkasandcertainlynofuckingSexontheBeach.
Thebartender’seyesgleamed.“Forabeautifulgirllikeyou,nothingistoomuchtoask.”
ThelinewassoclicheIbarelyheldbackasnort.
“Thankyou.”Jules’ssmilewidened.
Ifanothergroupofguestshadn’tcomeuptoorder,IwassureIwould’vewitnessedmorenauseatingflirting.Thankfully,thebartendergotdistractedandquicklyfinishedmakingourdrinksbeforetendingtothehalfdozenpeoplevyingforhisattention.
“Slummingalready?”Itskedinmockdisappointment.“Iexpectedbetterofyou.”
“Why?Becausehe’sabartenderandnotadoctor?”Julesarchedaneyebrow.“Yoursnobberyisshowing.”
“No.Becausehislinesareaspatheticasyourattempttoslanderme.”Itossedbackmyshotanddidn’tbotherwithachaser.“Buthey,whateverfloatsyourboat.”
“Don’ttrytodeflectfromyourownfailedrelationship.”
“I’mnotinarelationship.”AndIhadzerointerestinenteringoneanytimesoon.Sexwasjustthat,sex.Notapreludetodatingormatchingcouples’outfitsorwhateverpeoplewereinto.ImadesureeverywomanIsleptwithknewthedeal,becauseIdidn’tbelieveinleadingpeopleonorgivingthemfalsehope.
Myresidencytookupmostofmytime,andevenifIwasn’tsobusy,mydesireforalong-termgirlfriendhoveredsomewheresouthofzero.Iwasn’tmadeforthecommitmentgame.Ialwaysgotboredafterafewweeks,andthewholecouplethingsoundedexhausting.Constantdates,phonecalls,checkinginwiththeotherperson…
Ishudderedatthethought.
Goodforthepeoplewhowerehappyandinlove,butIwasn’toneofthemandIneverwouldbe.
“I’mtalkingaboutAlex.”Julesreceivedherdrinkfromthebartenderwithaflirtysmilebeforeturningbacktome.“Irememberwhenyoutwowerepracticallyjoinedatthehip.”
Astonefistsqueezedmychest,butIkeptmytonelight.“Didn’trealizeyouweresointerestedinmypersonallife,JR.”
“I’mnot,unlessithappenstoaffectmypersonalqualityoflife.”Julestookadelicatesipofhercocktail.“Andsincewe’reallgoingonanovernighttriptogether,thisstupidgrudgeyouholdagainstAlexdirectlyimpactsmeandAva.”
ItightenedmygriparoundmyglassandimagineditwasJules’sthroat.“Stupid?”Asharpedgebledthroughandcoloredthewordwithvenom.“Stupidisafightoverwhichmovietowatch.Stupiddescribeswhateverpoorschmuckendsupmarryingyou.ButIassureyou,itdoesnotapplytowhathappenedwithAlex.Don’ttalkaboutthingsyouknownothingabout.”
Julesdidn’tbackdownfrommyglare.“Imaynothavebeenpersonallyinvolvedinyour…situation,”shesaidwithmoretactthanIthoughthercapableof.“ButIambestfriendswithAva.Iknowwhathappened,andithappenedalmosttwoyearsago.She’sforgivenAlex.He’sapologized.It’stimetogrowupandmoveon.”
Foronce,Ididn’tdetectanysnark,juststraightforwardadvice,butthatdidn’tstopmymusclesfrombunchingwithtension.“Easyforyoutosay.”God,Ineededanotherdrink.“Comebacktomewhenyou’vebeenbetrayedbysomeoneclosetoyou.”
SomethingdarkflickeredinJules’seyes.“HowdoyouknowIhaven’talready?”
Istilled.
HowdoyouknowIhaven’talready?
Ididn’tknowmuchaboutJules’spast.Hell,Ididn’tknowmuchaboutheratallbeyondwhatsheshowedpeople—thebrashattitude,thebrazenflirtatiousness,thestrangemixofruthlessambitionandrecklesspartying.
ButIdidknowthatonesentenceshe’djustutteredrangtruerthananythingelseI’dheardinyears.
MygazelockedontoJules,whosewideeyesandslightlypartedlipsrevealedhersurpriseatthewordsthat’djustlefthermouth.
Iswallowedtheurgetoaskherwhathappenedwhiletheairbetweenusthickenedwith…notcamaraderie,exactly,butahintofunderstandingthateasedsomeofthepressureinmychest.
Wedidn’thavethetypeofrelationshipwherewediscussedourproblemswitheachother.Evenifwedid,IdoubtedJuleswouldanswermyquestion.Itwasn’tinhernaturetodisplayvulnerability.
Shestraightened,ashutterfallingoverherfaceanderasingalltracesofherprevioussoftness.“WhetheryouforgiveAlexornotisuptoyou.Justdon’truineveryoneelse’sfunwithyoursulking…thoughyourmerepresencemaybeenoughtoachievethatgoal.”
Withthat,sheswannedoff,herhipsswayingandherheadheldhigh.
AlowgrowlroseinmythroatbeforeIcaughtmyself.Therewasnousewastingenergyfumingoverher.IneededtosaveeveryounceforensuringIdidn’tkillherinVermont.Assatisfyingasitwouldbe,Iwasn’tthrowingawaymyfutureforamomentofextremesatisfaction.
Ishiftedmyattentionbacktothebartender,eagertoorderanothershot,onlytofindhimstaringatacertainspotonthedancefloorwithabesottedexpression.
No,notspot.Person.
Julesraisedherarmsoverherheadandrolledherhipstothemusicinawaythathadeverymanaroundherdrooling.Shelookedoverhershoulderandwinkedatthebartenderbeforeshootingmeasmugstare.
IdidthemostmaturethingIcouldthinkof:Iflippedheroff.
Shelaughed,herexpressiongrowingsmugger,beforesheturnedherbackonme.
“She’ssohot.”Thebartender’seyesglintedinawaythatsharpenedmyalreadyraisedhackles.“Pleasetellmeshe’ssingle.”
Imaskedmyirritationwithatightsmile.“Youknowwhatasuccubusis?”
Hescratchedhischin.Thegroupfromearlierhadrejoinedtheparty,leavingjustusatthebar.“Arethosethelittleplants?Mysisterlovesthosethings.Gotawholewindowsillfullof‘em.”
“No,man.Thosearesucculents.”Iloweredmyvoice.“Asuccubusisademonthatappearsintheformofabeautifulwomantoseducemenandsuckthelifeforceoutofthem.They’resupposedtobemythical,but…”IgesturedinJules’sdirection.“She’sareal-lifesuccubus.Don’tfallforhertrap.There’saviciousdemonlurkingbeneaththatprettyface.”
Itwasimpossibleforanactualhumanbeingtohavehairthatred,eyesthatfierce,andcurvesthatlush.Supernaturalhijinksweretheonlythingthatmadesense.
“Oh.”Thebartender’seyeswidened.“Doesthatmeanshe’llsleepwithme?”
Oh,forfuck’ssake.
“You’llhavetoaskher.”IleanedcloserlikeIwastellinghimasecret.“Here’satip.SheloveswhenpeoplecomparehertoJessicaRabbit.Tellherhowmuchyou’vealwayswantedtobangareal-lifeJRandyou’rein.BonuspointsifyoucallherJR.It’sherfavoritenickname.”
Hefrowned.“Really?”
“Trustme.”Irubbedahandovermymouthtohidemyshit-eatinggrin.Thiswasliketakingcandyfromababy.“I’veknownherforyears.Thecomparisonreallygetshergoing.”
“Sweet.”Thebartender’sskepticalexpressioncleared,replacedwithadelightedsmile.“Thanks,man.”Heclappedmeontheshoulderandpouredmeanothershot.“Onthehouse.”
Itwasafreeopenbarsoallthedrinksweretechnicallyonthehouse,butIdidn’tpointthatout.Instead,IliftedmyglassinthanksandgrinnedharderwhenIpicturedJules’sreactiontobeingcalledJRbythebartender.
Shewassopredictable.ShemightaswellmarkallthebuttonsIcouldpushwithgiant,glowingX’s.
Andyet…
HowdoyouknowIhaven’talready?
MyglasspausedatmylipsforafractionofasecondbeforeIshookmyheadandwelcomedthefieryburnoftequiladownmythroat.
Still,herwordsechoedinmymindanddrovemecrazywiththeirambiguity.
Whocould’vebetrayedJules?She’dneverhadabigfalloutwithAva,Bridget,orStella,norhadshehadarealboyfriendintheyearsI’veknownher.Ouraversiontocommittedrelationshipswasoneofthefewthingswehadincommon.
Wasitahighschoolboyfriendwhobrokeherheart?Afamilymemberwhofuckedherover?
Myeyesdriftedtothedanceflooragain.Juleswasstilldancingwithabandontoaremixofthelatestpophit.Avasaidsomethingtoher,andshethrewherheadback,herthroatylaughcarryingoverthemusic.
Sparklingdress.Sparklingeyes.Lookingforalltheworldlikeanybeautiful,carefreegirlwiththeworldatherfeet.
HowdoyouknowIhaven’talready?
IwonderedwhatsecretsJuleswashidingbeneaththatpartygirlexterior.
And,moreimportantly,IwonderedwhyIcared.7
JULES
Ava’sbirthdaymarkedareversalinfortune,becauseafterseveralshittyweeks,everythingransmoothlyagain.Amoresuperstitiouspersonmighthavesaidtoosmoothly,butIneverlookedagifthorseinthemouth.Iwasgoingtomilkeverysecondofperfectweather,professor’spraises,andrandomgoodluckwhiletheylasted.
Caseinpoint:myapartmentsearch,whichmightfinallyyieldresultsthankstoRhys.
TheweekendafterAva’sparty,IfoundmyselfinthelobbyofTheMirage,theluxuryapartmentbuildingRhys’sfriendowned.RhyshadsecuredacovetedshowingformeandStella,andI’darrivedearlynotonlybecauseIwasparanoidaboutrunninglate—D.C.’smetrowasnotoriouslyunreliable—butalsobecauseIneededaquietspottotakemyinterviewwiththeLegalHealthAllianceClinic(LHAC).
AlthoughI’dreceivedajobofferfromSilver&Kleinlastsummer,Icouldn’tjoinasapracticingattorneyuntilIpassedthebarexam.Mostfirmsallowedgraduatestojoinbeforeresultswereout,butnotSilver&Klein.
Ineededashort-termjobtotidemeoverbetweengraduationandthereleaseoftheresultsinOctober.ThetemporaryresearchassociatepositionatLHAC,amedical-legalpartnershipwheredoctorsandlawyersworkedtogethertoprovidecaretounderservedcommunities,wasperfect.
“That’sallthequestionsIhavetoday,”IsaidafterLisa,theclinic’slegaldirector,finisheddescribingwhatatypicalworkdaylookedlike.Isankdeeperintothelobby’svelvetcouch,gladnooneelsewasaroundexceptforthereceptionist.Ididn’twanttobeoneofthosepeoplewhotookobnoxiousbusinesscallsinpublic.Unfortunately,Ihadnowhereelsetotaketheinterviewwithoutriskingmissingtheshowing.“Thankyousomuchfortakingthetimetospeakwithme.”
“Ofcourse,”Lisasaid,hervoicewarm.“I’llbehonestsinceyou’rethelastcandidatewe’reinterviewing.You’rethebestcandidateI’vespokento.Greatworkexperience,greatgrades,andIthinkyou’llfitinwonderfullywiththerestofthestaff.”Shehesitatedfortwobeatsbeforeadding,“Idon’tusuallydothisrightafteraninterview,butI’dliketoextendanunofficialofferforyoutojointheclinic.I’mhappytosendanofficialemaillater,andyoucanthinkit—”
“Iaccept!”Mycheeksflushedatmyeagerness,butfuckit.Gettingthejobwouldbeahugeburdenoffmyshoulders.Icouldstopthejobsearchandfocusonbarprep,whichwasgoingtotakeupallmyfreetime.
Lisalaughed.“Great!AnychanceyoucanstartMonday?Eighta.m.?”
“Absolutely.”I’dstackedmyclassessotheywereallonTuesdayandThursday,andIhadtherestoftheweekfree.
“Perfect.I’llsendanemailwithdetailslater.Ilookforwardtoworkingwithyou,Jules.”
“Ilookforwardtoworkingwithyoutoo.”Ihungupwithagrin.ItwasallIcoulddonottobreakoutintoalittledanceinthemiddleofthelobby.
WhateverpixiedusthadbeensprinkledatAva’sparty,IneededagallonofitASAP.I’dneverhadsuchconsistentgoodluck.
Thenagain,maybetheuniversewasreimbursingmeforthewaythebartenderhadhitonmeafterthepartyended.He’dcalledmeJRandtoldmehowmuchhelovedmyresemblancetoJessicafuckingRabbit.I’dalmostthrownmydrinkinhisface.
IbetJoshhadsomethingtodowithit.HeprobablyfedthebartendersomebullshitabouthowIlikedbeingcalledJR.
Whatanasshole.
Butno.Iwouldn’tletthoughtsofJoshruinwhathadotherwisebeenanincredibleweek.
ItookadeepbreathandtriedtoreturntomyhappyplacewhenIheardtheguymanningthefrontdeskmakeastranglednoise.
IliftedmyheadintimetoseeStellarushthroughtherevolvingdoors.
“Sorry,IgotheldupatworkandleftassoonasIcould,”shesaidbreathlessly,oblivioustothewaythereceptionistwasoglingher.Herlegsweresolongitonlytookherafewstridestoreachme.“AmIlate?”
“Nope.Theleasingdirectorhasn’t—”
Ididn’tfinishmysentencebeforeawell-groomedwomaninasleekgraysuitapproachedus,herexpressionasbriskasherstride.
“Ms.Ambrose,Ms.Alonso.I’mPam,theDirectorofLeasingforTheMirage.”
“Nicetomeetyou,Pam,”Idrawled,amusedbyhowshespokelikeshewasthedirectoroftheNSAinsteadofanapartmentbuilding.ThatwasafeatureinD.C.,notabug.Everyonepretendedtheyweremoreimportantthantheyactuallywere,whichwasn’tsurprisinginacitywherethefirstquestionsomeoneaskedaftermeetingyouwasalways,Whatdoyoudo?
Itwasatownofwalkingresumesandcareerclimbers,andIwasn’tashamedtosayIwasoneofthem.Agoodcareermeantgoodmoney,andgoodmoneymeantsecurity,shelter,andfoodonthetable.Ifsomeonewantedtoshamemeforwantingthosethings,theycouldfuckrightoff.
IflinchedwhenStellajabbedherelbowinmyside.
“Getyourpointyelbowsawayfromme,”Iwhispered.
“Don’truinourchancesofgettingthisapartment,”shewhisperedback.
“AllIsaidwasnicetomeetyou.”
“It’syourtone.”StellashotmeawarningstareaswefollowedPamtowardtheelevator.
“Mytone?”Iplacedahandovermychest.“Mytoneisalwaysimpeccable.”
Stellasighed,andIstifledagrin.Shewasthemostunflappableofallmyfriends,soIconsidereditanachievementwhenIriledherup.Thenagain,she’dbeenalittlelessunflappablethesepastfewmonths.Ourhousewasalwayssparklingclean,whichwasasuresignshewasstressed.
Ididn’tblameher.Fromwhatshetoldme,herbossatD.C.StylegaveMirandaPriestlyarunforhermoney.
Whilewerodetheelevatoruptothetenthfloor,Pamrambledonaboutthebuilding’samenities.Theyincludedarooftoploungeandpool,astate-of-the-artgym,andatwenty-four-sevendoormanandconcierge.
Themoreshespoke,themoremyanticipationandworryspiked.TheMirage’swebsitehadn’tlistedrentprices,butI’dbetmyimpendinglawdegreeitwasexpensiveashell.Rhyssaidhisfriendwouldgiveusagenerousdiscount,buthehadn’tspecifiedhowmuch.
God,Ihopedwecouldaffordit.Iwouldkillforarooftoppool,thoughIdidn’tcaremuchforthegym.TheonlyworkoutsIlikedweretheonesinbed,andeventhen,it’dbeenawhile.Nothingkilledone’slovelifelikelawschool.
Westoppedinfrontofadarkwooddoorwith1022inscribedingold.
“Hereweare.ThelastavailableunitatTheMirage,”Pamsaidproudly.Sheopenedthedoor,andStellaandIletoutsimultaneousgasps.
Oh.My.God.
Itwaslikesomeonetookmydreamapartmentand3D-printeditintoreality.Floor-to-ceilingwindows,abalcony,gleamingparquetfloors,abrand-newkitchenwithmarblecounters,andacookingisland.I’dalwayswantedoneofthose.
Ididn’tcook,butthatwasonlybecauseI’dneverhadanisland.Icouldonlyimaginehowgoodmyfooddeliveries—Imean,myhome-cookedmeals—wouldlooksprawledacrossthatbeautifulexpanseofgranite.
AndwhileIshouldn’tspendsomuchmoneyonfooddeliverieswhenIwastryingtosavemoney,itwasbetterthanwastingmoneyongroceriesthatwentbadbecauseIdidn’tknowhowtoproperlycookthem.Right?
“Gorgeous,isn’tit?”PambeamedwiththeenthusiasmofapetownershowingoffherprizedpoodleatWestminster.
Imanagedanod.Imight’vealsobeendrooling;Iwasn’tsure.
ThenPamshowedusthebedrooms,andIwaspositiveIwasdrooling,becausethebedroomshadwalk-inclosets.Smallones,butstill.Walk-inclosets.
AstranglednoiseslippedfromStella’sthroat.
Asafashionblogger,sheownedmoreclothesandaccessoriesthananyhumanshouldown,andIcouldalreadyseehermentallycolor-coordinatingherclothes.
OnthelistofthingsStellawouldgiveupherleftarmfor,awalk-inclosetrankednumberthree,afteracollaborationwithDelamonte,herfavoritefashionbrand,andanextendedtripthroughItalyfilledwithpasta,shopping,andsunsetsoverwine.
Iwasn’tmakingitup.Shehadawrittenlistpinnedtothebulletinboardinherbedroom.
“Theapartmentisokay.”Iattemptedtosoundascasualaspossible.“Howmuchistherentagain?”
Pamtoldus,andIalmostchokedonmyspit.EvenStellaflinchedatthenumber.
Seventy-fivehundreddollars.Permonth.Notincludingutilities.
Thatwasn’trent.Thatwashighwayrobbery.
“Oh,”Stellasaidfaintly.“Um,Ithinkourfriendmentionedwewereeligibleforaspecialdiscount.Howmuchisrentthen?”
Pamarchedonepenciled-inbrow,hersmilewilting.“Thatisthepriceofrentwiththediscount,dear.”Condescensiondrippedfromthelastword,andStellaflinchedagain.
IplacedaprotectivehandonherarmandglaredatPam.Whodidshethinkshewas?Shehadnorighttolookdownonus.Justbecauseweweren’tobscenelyrichdidn’tmeanwewereanylessthantheresidentsatTheMirage.
“Sheisnotyourdear,”Isaidcoldly.“Andhowisitlegaltochargethatmuchforoneapartment?”
Pam’snostrilsflared.Shedrewherselfuptoherfullheight,hervoicequiveringwithoutrage.“Ms.Ambrose,Iassureyou,everythingwedohereatTheMirageisaboveboard.Ifthepricingisoutsideyourbudget,mightIsuggestyoulooksomewheremore—”
“Iseverythingallright,Pam?”Asmooth,deepvoiceslicedthroughtheairlikeafreshlysharpenedknife.
“Mr.Harper.”Pam’spatronizingtonedisappearedwiththesuddennessofablown-outcandleflame.Breathlessdeferencereplacedit.“IthoughtyouwereinNewYork.”
Iturned,curioustoseewhohadthesnobbyleasingdirectorsoworkedup,andtheairwhooshedoutofmylungsinonestronggust.
HolymotherofGod.
Thick,wavy,darkbrownhair.Cheekbonesthatcouldchiselice.EyesthecolorofwhiskeyandbroadshouldersthatfilledouthisexpensiveItalianwoolsuitlikeitwascustom-madeforhim,whichitprobablywas.Everythingabouthimscreamedwealthandpower,andhissexappealwassopotentIcouldpracticallytasteit.
I’dmetmyfairshareofgood-lookingguys,butthemanbeforeme…wow.
“Mybusinessinthecitywrappedupearlierthanexpected.”Thegodlikemansmiledatme.“ChristianHarper.OwnerofTheMirage.”
Harper.Whydidthatnamesoundsofamiliar?
“JulesAmbrose.FutureownerofapenthouseatTheMirage,”Iquipped.
AfterIbecameapartneratSilver&Klein,thatis.Itwillhappen.Stellawasthewoo-wooonewithhercrystalsandhoroscopes,butIlow-keybelievedinmanifestationaslongasImixeditwithahealthydoseofhardwork.It’dgottenmeoutofOhioandintoThayerLawafterall.
AmusementglowedinChristian’seyes.“Nicetomeetyou,Jules.Iexpectyou’llbebuyingthepenthousefrommesometimeinthefuturethen.”
Myeyebrowsrose.SoheactuallylivedatTheMirage.I’dexpectedhimtoreignoveramansioninthesuburbs,butonsecondglance,ChristianHarperdidnotlooklikeamanwhowouldliveinthesuburbs.Hescreamedcityvibesthroughandthrough.
Blackcoffee.Expensivewatches.Fastcars.
ChristianturnedtoStella.Hisfaceremainedrelaxed,butsomethingflaredinhiseyes,hotandbrightenoughtodrownouthisearlieramusement.
Heheldouthishand.Afterabriefhesitation,shetookit.
“I’mStella.”
“Stella,”herepeated,softlyandslowly,likehewassavoringthesyllables.Hedidn’tmoveaninch,buttheintensityofhisstarewassostrongitpulsedintheair.Timeseemedtoslow,andIwonderedifthatwasasuperpoweroftherich—manipulatingrealityuntilitbenttotheirwill.
ApinkflushroseonStella’scheeks.Sheopenedhermouth,thencloseditandglanceddownatwherehishandstillgrippedhers.
AnotherlongsecondstretchedbybeforeChristianreleasedherhandandsteppedbackwithanindecipherableexpressionetchedonhisperfectfeatures.
Themovementpressedplayonthescene,andtimereturnedtonormal.Pamstirred,thefainthonksofcarstenfloorsbelowfilteredthroughtheglasswindows,andmybreathrushedoutinanexhale.
Christian’sgazelingeredonanuncharacteristicallywary-lookingStellaforafractionofasecondlongerbeforeheshiftedhisattentionbacktome.Theintensitydisappeared,replacedwithaportraitofeasycharmandhospitalityonceagain.
“Howdoyouliketheapartment?”heasked.
“It’sbeautifulbutoutofourbudget,”Iadmitted.“Weappreciateyousettingupthistourforusthough.Thankyou.”
“Well.”Pamclearedherthroat.“Mr.Harper,Icantakeitfromhere.I’msureyouhaveplentyof—”
“What’syourbudget?”Christianasked,ignoringhisleasingdirectorcompletely.
StellaandIexchangedglancesbeforeIresponded.
“Twenty-fivehundredamonth.Total.”Iwasalmostembarrassedtosayitoutloud.Itwasapatheticfractionoftheregularrent.
I’dexpectedChristiantolaughinourfacesandthrowusout.Instead,herubbedathumboverhisbottomlip,hisexpressionspeculative.
Silencedescendedagain,butthistimeitwasfilledwithbreathlessanticipation—mostlymine,thoughaglimmerofhopeshoneinStella’seyesaswell.
Itriedtotampdownmyexpectations.Therewasnowayhe’dagreetothatprice.Christianwasabusinessman,andbusinessmendidnot—
“Done,”hesaid.
Pam’smouthfellopeninshock.
Ihatedtoadmitit,butmyfacelikelymatchedhers.“Excuseme?”
Therewasadifferencebetweennotlookingagifthorseinthemouthandquestioningsomethingthatwascompletelyinsane.Sure,ChristianwasfriendswithRhysandRhyswasfutureroyalty,soitdidn’thurttobeinhisgoodgraces,butweweren’tRhys’sfamilyoranything.TheMiragewouldbetakingahugefinancialhitifChristianrentedtheapartmenttousforsuchalowprice.
Ormaybeitwouldn’t.Ididn’tknow.TherewasareasonIstudiedlawandnotbusinessoreconomics.
“Twenty-fivehundredamonth.Done,”ChristiansaidascasuallyasifhewerebuyingaStarbuckscoffee.“Pam,drawupthepapers.”
Aveinpulsedinhertemple.“Mr.Harper,Ithinkweneedtodiscuss—”
Thosewhiskeyeyessharpenedandlancedintoher.
Pamfellsilent,thoughherexpressionremainedmutinous.
“I’llwaithere.”ArazorededgeranbeneathChristian’sotherwisegenialtone.
Anotherwarning,thisonelesssubtle.
“Ofcourse.”Pam’smouthstretchedintoaforcedsmile.“I’llberightback.”
IwaiteduntilsheleftbeforeIcrossedmyarmsovermychestandnarrowedmyeyesatChristian.“What’sthecatch?”
Hestraightenedhissuitsleeve.“Elaborate.”
“Twenty-fivehundredamonthwouldbarelycovertheutilities,muchlesstherent.Iknowwe’refriendsofafriendandall,butitdoesn’tmakefinancialsense.”
Ifsomethingseemedtogoodtobetrue,itprobablywas.Therehadtobeacatch.
ThecornerofChristian’smouthtuggedup.“Unlessyouinstallanindoorwaterparkandkeepitrunningtwenty-four-seven,Idoubtyourutilitieswillcostthatmucheachmonth.Andthereisnocatch.Rhysisanoldfriend,andIowehimafavor.”
“Howdoyouknowhim?”Stellaasked.
Christianpaused,thatindecipherableexpressionflickeringacrosshisfaceagainbeforeherespondedwithasmooth,“Weusedtoworktogether.”
Suddenly,itclicked.
“HarperSecurity,”Isaid,namingtheeliteprivatesecurityfirmRhysworkedforwhenhewasBridget’sbodyguard.“You’retheCEO.”
“Atyourservice,”hedrawled.
“Ihopenot.”AnysituationthatrequiredmeorStellatogetabodyguardwouldn’tbeagoodone.“So,there’sreallynocatch?”
“No.Myonlystipulationisyousigntoday.IdoubtmembersofTheMirage’swaitinglistwouldbehappyIletyouskiptheline,andIcan’tguaranteethisofferwillbeavailableifyouwaituntiltomorroworeventonight.”
StellaandIexchangedanotherglance.Ihatedrushingintothings,butthiswasourdreamapartment.WhatifChristiandidchangehismindlater?Iwouldneverforgivemyselfforlettingtheopportunityslipthroughmyfingers.
Pamreturnedwiththepapers,herfacescrewedintoasourfrown.
Toobad.Ifshehadaproblemwithwhatwashappening,shecouldtakeitupwithherboss,thoughIdoubtedshewould.Christiandidnotlooklikethetypewhotoleratedinsubordination.
“Here.”Shepracticallyshovedthepapersintomyhand.
“Thankyou,Pam.”Ibestowedherwithagracioussmile.“I’msoexcitedwe’regoingtobeyourtenants.”Ipaused.“Sorry,ImeanChristian’stenants.”
Hermouthtightenedfurther,butshewassmartenoughnottorespond.
Halfanhourlater,afterStellaandIpainstakinglyreviewedeverylineofthelease,searchingforredflagphrasesliketenantsmustprovidesexualservicestothebuilding’sownereverymonthtomakeupfortheirridiculouslycheaprentandfindingnone,wesignedonthedottedline.
Pamsignedafterus,anditwasdone
WewereofficiallytenantsofTheMirage,effectiveinfiveweeks.
Unreal.
“I’mgladwecouldmakeitwork.”Ahalf-smiletouchedChristian’smouth.“IhaveameetingI’mrunninglatefor,soI’llleaveyouinPam’scapablehands.I’msureI’llseeyoubotharound.”HeslidabriefglanceinStella’sdirectionbeforeleaving.
Afterhistall,leanframedisappearedintothehall,Pamreleasedasharpsigh.“Congratulations,”shesaidtightly.“Youjustsecuredoneofthecity’smostcovetedapartmentsforpennies.”
“LadyLuckhasalwayssmiledonme.”Itwasn’ttrue,butitwasworthseeinghereyetwitch.
Weexitedtheapartmentandrodetheelevatordowntothelobbyinsilence.Oncewehitthegroundfloor,Pamleftuswiththeworld’smosttepidgoodbye,butIdidn’tcare.
“Wedidit!”IwaiteduntilStellaandIsteppedoutsideTheMiragebeforeIthrewmyarmsaroundherinanimpromptuhug.Icouldn’tholdbackmygiddinessanymore.BetweentheleaseandLHAC,todaywasthebestdayever.Period.
“Wegotourdreamapartment!”Isighed,starry-eyedatthepossibilities.
Latenightdrinksontherooftop.Morningswimsinthepool.Divingintoapileofclothesinmywalk-inclosetjustbecauseIcould.
“Pinchme,”Isaid.“IthinkI’mdream—ow!”
“Yousaidtopinchyou,”Stellasaidinnocently.Shebrokeintoalaughanddodgedmyplayfulattempttoswather.“Seriously,though,I’msohappyitworkedout,but…”
“But?”
“Youdon’tthinkitwastooeasy?Thewayhejustagreedtoourprice?”Herbottomlipdisappearedbetweenherteethwhileasmallcreaseformedbetweenherbrows.
“Itwastooeasy,”Iadmitted.“Butwebothlookedovertheleasetwice.Therewasnothingoutoftheordinary.MaybeChristianwasjustbeingnicebecausewe’reRhys’sfriends.”
“Maybe.”DoubtlingeredinStella’seyes.
“We’llbefine.”IlinkedmyarmthroughhersandguidedhertotheCrumble&Bakeafewstreetsoverforcelebratorycupcakes.“Andifwearen’t,Ihappentoknowplentyoflawyers.”8
JOSH
AsanERresident,Isawsomecrazyshit,andthelastweekwasnoexception.
Amanwhosecarcollidedwithafenceandarrivedatthehospitalwiththefencepoststuckthroughhim?Check.(HewascurrentlyintheICU,butchanceswere,he’llsurvive).
ApatientwhostrippedoffalltheirclothesandranaroundtheERnakedbeforetwonursesfinallycaughtthem?Check.
Someonewithabroken-offcucumberstuckintheirrectum?Check.
Totalinsanity,butthatwaswhyI’dchosenemergencymedicineoversurgery,whichmyfatherhadpushedfor.Hewantedtobragabouthavingaheartsurgeonforason,butIthrivedonchaos.Onthethrillofcomingintoworkeverydayandnotknowingwhatchallengeslayahead.Itkeptmeonmytoes,thoughIcoulddowithoutremovingvegetablesfromotherpeople’sorificesforalong,longwhile.
“Getsomerest,”ClarasaidasIclockedoutafteranothergruelingnightshift.“Youlooklikeazombie.”
“False.Ialwayslookperfect.Right,Luce?”IwinkedatLucy,anothernurse.ShegiggledinagreementwhileClararolledhereyes.
“Seeyoutomorrow.Trynottomissmetoomuch.”Irappedmyknucklesagainstthecounteronmywayoutthedoor
“Wewon’t,”Clarasaid.
AtthesametimeLucychirped,“We’lltry!”
Achuckleroseinmythroat,butbythetimeIsteppedoutside,it’dalreadyfaded,crushedbybone-deepexhaustion.However,insteadofheadinghomeforsomemuch-neededshuteye,Imadealefttowardthenorthsideofthehospitalcampus,wheretheLegalHealthAllianceClinicwaslocated.
I’dsomehowmisplacedmychargerbeforemyshiftandmyphonewasateightpercent,sothebackupchargerIkeptatLHACwasmyonlyhopeofkeepingmyall-importantcellalive.
WhenIarrivedattheclinic,Barbs’scarwastheonlyoneinthetinyparkinglotsquishednexttothebuilding.Mostofthestaffdidn’ttrickleinuntilhalfpasteight,butsheopenedandclosedtheofficeeveryday,soshekeptlongerhours.
“Hey,beautiful,”IquippedwhenIenteredthereceptionarea.
“Hey,handsome,”shesaidwithawink.
WhenI’dvolunteeredatLHACasamedstudent,Barbskeptmesuppliedwithhome-cookedpastriesandsageadvicelikewhenlifegivesyoulemons,makelemonadeandhangoutwithsomeonewhoselifegavethemvodka.ShewasoneofthereasonsI’dcontinuedvolunteeringdespitemycrazyresidencyschedule.Theclinicstaffhadbecomemysurrogatefamilyovertheyears,andeventhoughIonlyhadtimetodropbyonceortwiceaweekinbetweenshifts,theykeptmegrounded.
“Wasn’texpectingtoseeyoutoday.”Barbstuckedherpenbehindherear.“Alittlebirdietoldmeyoujustcameoffanightshift.”
Ididn’taskhowsheknew.Barbswasthemostplugged-inpersonintheThayerHospitalsystem.Sheknewthingsaboutpeoplebeforetheydid.
“Trustme,I’mgoinghomeandcrashingsoon.”Iscrubbedahandovermyface,tryingtokeepmyeyesopen.“Ijustneedtograbmycharger.”
I’dvolunteeredatLHACsolongIhadmyowndesk.Thebulkofmyworkinvolvedstaffingitsfreehealthclinicforuninsuredhealthpatients,butIalsoconsultedonvariouslegalcasesthatrequiredamedicalopinion.
“Beforeyoudo,youshouldsayhitoournewresearchassociate.”Barbsnoddedatthekitchendoordownthehall.“You’lllikeher.She’sfeisty.”
Iraisedmyeyebrows.“Newassociatealready?”
LHAChadbeeninundatedwithnewcasesrecently.Lisa,thelegaldirector,hadbeentalkingabouthiringashort-termassociatetohelpoutuntiltherushwasover,butIhadn’texpectedittohappensosoon.
“Yep.ThirdyearatThayerLaw.”Barbs’seyesgleamedinawaythatsentmyguardshootingstraightup.“Smartgirl.Prettytoo,ifabiteager.ShestartedonMonday,andIfoundherwaitingoutsidefifteenminutesbeforetheclinicopened.”
“Congrats,youjustdescribedhalfthegirlsatThayer.”Amajorityoftheuniversity’sstudentswereTypeAtoafault.“Don’tthinkaboutit,”IaddedwhenBarbsopenedhermouth.“Idon’tdoofficeromances.”
Ihadareputationasaplayer,butIwouldneverhookupwithsomeoneIworkedwith,noteveninavolunteersetting.
Barbsdidn’tbataneyeatmyfoullanguage—she’dsaidandheardmuchworseattheclinic—thoughherfacedidpuckerindisappointment.Shefanciedherselfthehospitalmatchmaker,andshe’dbeentryingtomatchmakemeforyears.
“Besides,ifIdiddateanyonefromtheclinic,it’dbeyou,”Iaddedteasingly.
Shemaintainedherfrownfortensecondsbeforeitmeltedintoasmile.“You’reaterribleliar.”
“Me,lie?”Iplacedahandovermychest.“Never.”
Sheshookherhead.“Go.Takethatcharmelsewhere.You’retooyoungforme.Andcomebacktomeafteryou’veseenher,”shecalledafterme,laughingwhenItossedheranexasperatedlookovermyshoulder.
Igrabbedmychargerfrommydeskandpocketedit.Then,curiousdespitemyself,Iheadedtothekitchentomeetthenewassociate.Imightaswellseewhatallthefusswasabout.
Ipushedopenthekitchendoor,mymouthcurvingintoawelcoming—What.The.Fuck.
Mysmiledisappearedfasterthancandyatakid’sbirthdayparty.
Becausesittinginthemiddleoftheroom,drinkingcoffeeoutofmyfavoritemugandexaminingastackofpapers,wasnoneotherthanJulesAmbrose.
Mybloodpressurespiked.
No.Fuckno.Imust’vefallenasleepaftermyshiftandenteredavividnightmarebecausetherewasnowayJuleswasthenewresearchassociate.Theuniversewouldn’tbesocruel.
Sheglancedupatthesoundofthedooropening,andIwould’vetakengreatpleasureinthewayherfacepaledhadInotbeenequallythunderstruck.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Ourvoicesmingledinadiscordantmelody—herwordspitchedhighwithstress,minelowwithhorror.
Amusclejumpedinmyjaw.“Iworkhere.”Ireleasedthedoorknobandcrossedmyarmsovermychest.“What’syourexcuse?”
“Iworkhere.YouworkintheER.”Julesarchedaneyebrow.“Iseeyou’regoingsenilealready.That’swhathappenswhenyourbrainusesallitslimitedfacultiesonbasicupkeep.”
Goddammit.Ididn’thavetimeforthis.Icameheretopickupmycharger,andnowIwasstuckarguingwiththeshe-devilwhenallIwantedwassleep.
Butitwastoolate.TherewasnobackingdownunlessIwantedhertorubgettingthelastwordinmyfaceuntiltheendoftime.
“Don’tproject,it’sunbecoming.Justbecauseyouhavelowerthanaveragementalcapacitydoesn’tmeaneveryoneelsedoes.”Asmirktouchedmymouthwhenhereyetwitched.“Asfortheclinic,I’vebeenvolunteeringheresinceIwasinmedschool.”
Translation:itwasmyspace.I’dclaimeditfirst.
Wasthatajuvenilewaytolookatthings?Perhaps.ButthereweresofewplacesIfelttrulyathome.Theclinicwasoneofthem,andJules’spresencewouldsmashthatpeacetosmithereens.
“It’snottoolatetoquit.”Ileanedagainstthewall,keepingmyeyeslockedtohersinasilentchallenge.“You’dhavemorefunspendingyourfreetimeelsewhere.I’msurethere’sapoorsapwho’swillingtofillinthegapsinyourscheduleifyou’rebored.”
“Icouldsaythesameforyou,JudgyMcJosh.”Julessippedhercoffeeoutofmyfuckingmug.“Orhaveyourunoutofwomenwho’llfallforyourbullshit?Unlessyou’reusingthevolunteerexcusetopickupwomen,whichisjustsad.”
Iclosedthedistancebetweenusinthreestridesandslammedmyhandsonthetablehardenoughtorattlethehighlighterslinedupnexttoherpapers.Ileanedforwarduntilourfaceswereonlyinchesapartandourbreathsmingledinacloudofanimosity.
“Quit.”Thewordvibrated,tautandfurious,betweenus.
Jules’seyesglowedwithchallenge.“No.”
Herslow,preciseenunciationratchetedmybloodpressureupanothernotch.
MyknucklesdugintothehardwoodasIfistedmyhandsonthetable.Myheartpoundedsoharditsdrumbeatechoedinmyhead,tauntingme.
Ididn’tknowwhythisonethingbotheredmesomuch.Juleswasthenewresearchassociate.Sowhat?Ididn’tcomeintotheclinicoften,andIdidn’thavetotalktoherifIdidn’twantto.Plus,herswasatemporaryposition.She’dbegoneinafewmonths.
Butthemereideaofherhere,inmyhaven,drinkingoutofmymugandlaughingwithmyfriendsandfillingeverymoleculeofairwithherpresence,madeitreallyfuckinghardtobreathe.
One.Two.Three.Iforcedoxygenintomylungswitheachcount.
Afewfeetaway,thefridgehummed,oblivioustothebattleplayingoutinthekitchen.Meanwhile,theclocktickeditswaytowardthehalfhour,remindingmeIshouldbelonggonebynow.
Shower.Bed.Blissfulsleep.
Theycalledmyname,yethereIwas,facetofacewithJules,unwillingtowavethewhiteflaginoursilentwar.
Evenatthiscloseproximity,Icouldn’tspotasingleflawinhercreamyskin.Icould,however,counttheindividuallashesframingherhazeleyesandspottheteenytinymoleaboveherupperlip.
ThefactInoticedthosethingspissedmeoffevenmore.
“Ithoughtyouwereallaboutcorporatelaw.Bigbucks.Prestige.”Eachsyllablecameoutcoldandsharpenoughtosting.“TheclinicmaynotbeasfancyasSilver&Klein,butwedoimportantworkhere.It’snotaplaygroundforyoutomessaroundinuntilyouleaveforthe‘bigleagues.’”
Itwasalowblow.IknewitevenasIsaidit.
Julesprobablyneededajobtotideheroveruntilshepassedthebarexam,andtherewasnothingwrongwiththat.
Butmyfrustration—overmyfather,overAlex,overtheempty,gnawingfeelinginmychestthathadplaguedmeformorenightsthanIcaredtoadmit—turnedmeintosomeoneIdidn’trecognizeanddidn’tparticularlylike.Normally,IcouldpretendIwasthesamecarefreeguyI’dbeeninschool,butforsomereason,mymaskneverlastedlongwithJules.
PerhapsitwasbecauseIdidn’tcarewhethershesawtheworstofme.Therewasacertainliberationinnotgivingashitaboutwhatotherpeoplethought.
“Howlikeyoutoassumetheworstofme.”Ifmyvoicewascold,Jules’swasaninferno,incineratingthesharpedgesofmyirritationuntilonlytheashesofshameremained.
“What,youthinkI’mgoingtoswaninhereeveryweek,pushafewpapersaround,andpretendtoworkjustbecauseI’matemp?Newsflash,asshole,whenIcommittodoingsomething,Idoitwell.Idon’tcareifit’sabiglawfirm,anonprofit,orafuckinglemonadestandattheendofadead-endroad.You’renotbetterthanmejustbecauseyou’readoctor,andI’mnotthedeviljustbecauseIwantahigh-payingcareer.Soyoucantakeyoursanctimoniousattitudeandshoveitupyourass,JoshChen,becauseI’moverit.”
Silenceblanketedtheroom,brokenonlybyJules’sraggedbreaths.Herearliercoolhadevaporated,replacedwithflushedcheeksandblazingeyes,butforonce,Ididn’ttakepleasureinrilingherup.
Iopenedmymouthtosaysomething,anything,butIwastoostunnedtoformulateanappropriateresponse.
JulesandIhadexchangedmorebarbsthanIcouldcountovertheyears.Shealwaysgaveasgoodasshegot,butwhathappenedjustnow…ifIdidn’tknowbetter,Icould’veswornshewasactuallyhurt.
Ahotpokerofguiltstabbedatmychest.
Istraightenedandrubbedahandovermyface,wonderingwhenthehellmylifehadgottensocomplicated.ImissedthedayswhenJulesandIinsultedeachotherwithzeroguiltorremorse,whenmysisterwasn’tinlovewithmyex-bestfriend,andwhenmybestfriendhadstillbeenmyfriend.
ImissedthedayswhenIwasme.
NowhereIwas,abouttodosomethingoldJoshwould’verathercutoffhisarmthando.
“Ishouldn’thavesaidthat,”Ifinallyconceded.“Itwasalowblow,andI…”Amuscleworkedinmyjaw.Dammit.“I’msorry.”
Ispitoutthewords.ItwasthefirsttimeI’deverapologizedtoJules,andIwantedtogetitoverasquicklyaspossible.
JustbecauseIdidtherightthingdidn’tmeanIhadtolikeit.
IbracedmyselfforJules’sgloating,butnonecame.Instead,shejuststaredatmelikeIhadn’tspoken.
Iforgedahead.“However,theclinicisimportanttome,andIdon’twantour…differencestogetinthewayofourwork.SoIproposeatruce.”
Proposingatrucemightaswellbesurrendering,butIrefusedtoletouranimositypoisonmytimeattheclinic.Everywhereelse,fine.Butnothere.
Herbrowwrinkled.“Atruce.”
“Onlywhenwe’reintheclinic.”Iwasn’tnaiveenoughtothinkwecouldupholdanysemblanceofpeaceoutsideaworkenvironment.“Noinsults,nosnarkycomments.Wekeepitprofessional.Deal?”Iheldoutmyhand.
Juleseyeditlikeitwasacoiled-upcobrawaitingtostrike.
“Unless,ofcourse,youdon’tthinkyoucandoit.”
Satisfactiontrickledthroughmewhenherlipsthinned.I’dtouchedonacompetitivenerve,asIknewIwould.
Shedidn’ttakehereyesoffmineasshegraspedmyhandandsqueezed.Hard.
Jesus.Forsomeonesosmall,shewasfuckingstrong.
“Deal,”shesaidwithasmile.
Ismiledbackthroughgrittedteethandsqueezedevenharder,relishingthewayhernostrilsflaredatthepressure.
“Excellent.”
ForgetwhatIsaidaboutbeingbored
Thiswasgoingtobeaninterestingfewmonths.9
JULES
IfsomeonehadtoldmeamonthagothatIwouldwillinglyagreetoatrucewithJoshChen,Iwould’velaughedintheirfaceandaskedwhattheyweresmoking.JoshandIwereascapableofactingciviltowardeachotherasatigerwasofchangingitsstripes.
But,asmuchasIhatedtoadmitit,hisreasoningmadesense.Itookprideinmywork,andthelastthingIwantedwasformypersonalfeelingstoaffecttheworkplace.Plus,I’dbeensocaughtoffguardbyhisapologymybrainspazzed.Ihadn’tbeenabletothinkstraight,muchlesswadethroughwhattheconsequencesofaceasefirewithJoshChenmightlooklike.
Surprisingly,theyhaven’tbeenterrible…thoughthatmightbebecauseIhaven’tseenJoshsincethetruce.AccordingtoBarbs,heonlycameinonhisdaysofforwhenhewasn’twipedfromashift.
Ihadnoissuewiththat.ThelessIhadtoseehim,thebetter.PartofmewasstillembarrassedbyhowI’dlostmycoolwhenheaccusedmeofnottakingmyjobseriously.We’dhurledmuchworseinsultsateachotherovertheyears,yetthatonethinghadmademesnap.
Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’dbeenjudged—formylooksandmyfamily,thecareerIchoseandtheclothesIwore,thewayIlaughedtooloudlywhenIwassupposedtobedemureandassertedmyselftooboldlywhenIwassupposedtobeinvisible.Iwasusedtoshakingoffcriticism,butthesneersandsideeyesaccumulatedovertime,andI’dgottentothepointwhereIwasjusttired.
Tiredofworkingtwiceashardaseveryoneelsetobetakenseriouslyandfightingevenhardertoprovemyworth.
Ishookmyheadandtriedtorefocusonthedocumentsbeforeme.Ididn’thavetimeforapityparty.Ineededtofinishfactcheckingacasetoday,andtheclinicclosedinthreehours.
I’dgottenthroughhalfthepaperswhenthedoorswungopenandJoshwaltzedin,carryingasmallboxfromCrumble&Bake.
“Ohlook,ifitisn’t—”Myfavoritedevil’sspawn.IbitofftherestofmywordswhenJoshraisedachallengingbrow.“Mybestfriend’sbrother.”
ItwouldtakesomeadjustingbeforeIcurbedmyknee-jerkinstincttoinsulthimthesecondIsawhisface.
“Astuteobservation.”Hesettheboxonthetableandtooktheseatnexttome.Awhiffofhiscolognefloatedover,minglingwiththesweetscentwaftingfromthebox.“Letmeguess.You’veannoyedtherestofthestaffsomuchtheybanishedyoutothekitchen?”
“Ifyouhadamodicumofobservationalskill,you’dnoticethereisn’tadeskformeyet.”Iforcedmyselfnottostareatthepastries.Don’tgiveintothetemptationofsweets.“I’mworkingoutofthekitchenuntilitcomesin.And,”Ipointedmypenathim,triumphfillingmyveins,“youbrokethetruce.”
“No,Ididn’t.”Joshrolleduphissleeves,revealingtanned,lightlyveinedforearms.Aheavywatchglintedonhiswrist,andassomeonewithanoddthingformenandwatches,Iwould’vefoundthesighthothadhenotbeen,well,him.“Sarcasmisn’tthesameasaninsult.I’msarcasticwithmyfriendsallthetime.It’showIshowmylove.”
IrolledmyeyessohardIwassurprisedIdidn’tenteranotherdimension.“Yes,youobviouslymeanttoshowyourloveformewithyourstatement.”
“No,Imeanttoshowmyloveforyouwiththis.”Joshlengthenedhisdrawlwithexaggeratedslowness,likehewasspeakingtoachild.Heopenedthebox,andmyeyeszeroedinonthecupcakesittingsmackdabinthemiddle.
Saltedcaramel.Myfavorite.
Mystomachemittedalowrumbleofapproval.I’dbeensocaughtupinworkIhadn’teatensincemypaltrylunchofasaladandsmoothieafewhoursago
Josh’smouthliftedintoasmirkwhileIshuffledmypapersloudlytohidethesound.Iwouldn’tgivehimthesatisfactionofsalivatingoveranythinghebought.
“Consideritmyofficialolivebranch.”Hepushedtheboxtowardme.“Alongwithmenotmentioninghowyoubrokethetrucebyinsultingmyobservationalskills,whichareexcellent,bytheway.”
OnlyJoshcouldclaimcreditfornotdoingsomethinghejustdid.
Insteadofarguingwithhim,Ipokedatthecupcakewithsuspicion.“Didyoupoisonit?”Therewasadifferencebetweenbeingcivilandbuyingsomeonetheirfavoritecupcakeunprompted.
“Nah,Iwasinarush.Maybenexttime.”
“Hilarious.Netflixshouldgiveyouastandupspecial.”Ipluckedthecupcakefromtheboxandexamineditmorecloselyforsignsoftampering.
“Iknow.”Joshoozedcockiness.“It’soneofmymanywonderfulattributes.”
Ifoughtanothereyeroll.Therewereprobablyahundredpoorsoulswalkingaroundwithlowself-esteemsoJoshChencouldsailthroughlifewithanegothesizeofJupiter.Satanmust’vebeendistractedthedayhecreatedhishellspawnandpouredalittletoomuchobnoxiousnessintoJosh’sbeaker.
“Howdidyouknowsaltedcaramelismyfavorite?”Isquintedatatinyblackmarkonthecupcakewrapper.
Amerescratchfromanerrantmarker,orproofofpoison?Hmmm…
“Itdoesn’ttakeageniustofigureitout.”Joshnoddedattheventidrinkonthetable.“EverytimeIseeyou,you’reinhalingacaramelmochathesizeofyourhead.”
Okay,fairpoint.Myloveforallthingscaramel-flavoredwasn’texactlyasecret.
“Keepitupandyou’llgetdiabetes,”headded.“Allthatsugarisn’tgoodforyou.”
“Soyou’refeedingmemoresugarinthehopesI’llbecomediabetic.”Itappedmypenagainstthetablewithmyfreehand.“Iknewyouhadnefariousintentions.”
Joshsighedandpinchedhisbrow.“Jules,eatthedamncupcake.”
Istifledagrin.Iwasmostlyfuckingwithhimatthispoint,andIreallywasstarving.IfIwasgoingtodie,ImightaswelldieeatingsomethingIloved.
Ipeeledbackthewrapperandtookasmallbite.Warm,delicioussweetnessburstontomytongue,andIcouldn’tholdbackasoftmoanofappreciation.
Nothingbeatasaltedcaramelcupcakeafterhoursofwork.
JoshwatchedwhileIate,hisexasperatedexpressiongivingwaytosomethingIcouldn’tidentify.
Uncharacteristicself-consciousnessprickedatmyskin.“What?”
Heopenedhismouth,thencloseditandleanedbackinhischair,lacinghisfingersbehindhishead.“Ilikeyoualotbetterwhenyouaren’ttalking.Ishouldbringyoufoodmoreoften.”
“GoodthingIdon’tgivetwodamnswhetheryoulikemeornot.”Mywordsdrippedwithhoney.“Butifyouwanttobuymefood,goahead.JustknowI’llinspecteveryinchbeforeitgoesintomymouth.”
Irealizedmymistakebeforethesentencefullyleftmymouth.
Shit.ThatcameoutdirtierthanI’dintended.
Josh’sfacesplitintoadevilishgrin.
“Don’t.”Ihelduponehand,mycheekswarming.“Saveyourselffromwhateverjuvenilejokeyouwereabouttospew.”
Tomysurprise,hedid.
Joshtappedafingeronthepileofpapersinfrontofme.“Youknowthereareotherplacesyoucouldworkbesidesthekitchen.”
“Likewhere,thebathroom?”LHACwastiny,andIdidn’twanttoimposeonanyoneelse’sworkspace.“It’sfine.It’scomfortableinhere.”
Ifyouoverlookedtheice-coldtemperature,ricketytable,andstiffwoodenchairs,thatis.Still,itbeatworkingfromthetoiletseat.
“Yeah,ifyoucompareittotheSiberianwild.”
Ireleasedanannoyedsigh.“Areyouheretowork,orareyouheretopesterme?”
“Icandoboth.I’magreatmultitasker,”Joshquippedbeforehiseyesturnedserious.“Heardwegotanewcasetoday.”
“Yep.”Islidthepaperstowardhim,snappingintoworkmode.“TheBowers.Themother,LauraBower,felldownthestairsandcan’tworkforthenexttwomonths.Noinsurance,sotheyhaveacrazyamountofmedicalbills,andshe’sthefamily’ssolebreadwinner.HerhusbandTerencegotoutofjailafewyearsagobuthasn’tbeenabletofindworkbecauseofhiscriminalrecord.Theyhavetwokids,DaisyandTommy,agessixandnine.”
“They’refacingeviction.”Joshscannedthefiles.
Inodded.“Lauraneedsastableplacetorecoverfromherfall,tosaynothingoftheissuesthataccompanyhomelessness.”
Murky,unwantedmemoriescrowdedmybrainatthelastword.
Coldnights.Emptystomach.Theincessantitchofanxietycrawlingovermyskin.
MysituationhadbeendifferentfromtheBowers,butIrememberedalltoowellwhatitwasliketowakeupeverymorningandwonderifthatwasthelastdayI’dhavearoofovermyheadandfoodonthetable.
Mymotherhadbeenacocktailwaitress,butshe’dbeenmoreinterestedinblowinghermeagerincomeonshoppingthanpayingthebills.Sometimes,thelightswouldcutoutinthemiddleofmedoinghomeworkbecausesheforgottopaytheelectricbill.Eventually,Ifiguredouthowtosiphonelectricityfromourneighborattheripeoldageoften.Notthemostethicalsolution,butIdidwhatIhadtodo.
Ashiverrolledthroughme.
You’refine.You’renotthatlittlegirlanymore.
“Iknowher.”JoshrappedhisknuckleagainstthepaperwithLaura’spicturestapledtoit,yankingmebackintothepresent.“Itreatedherwhenshecamein.Multiplebrokenbones,heavybruising,twistedankle.Still,shewasingoodspiritsandmakingjokes,tryingtokeepherkidsfrompanicking.”Hisfacesoftened.“TheERcanbeablur,butIrememberher.”
“Yeah,”Isaidquietly.“Sheseemsreallynice.”
I’dnevermetLaura,butIcouldtellshewasthetypeofmotherIwould’vekilledtohave.
Iclearedmythroatinanattempttoeasetheknotofemotionthathadtakenresidencethere.“Legallyspeaking,theobvioussolutionistoclearTerence’scriminalrecordsohecanfindajob,”Isaid.Astheclinic’spracticingattorney,LisaneededtosignoffoneverythingIdid,andshe’dagreedclearinghisrecordwasthebestsolution.“Hewaschargedformarijuanapossession.Oneounce,andhespentayearinjailforit.”
HeatcreptovermyneckthewayithadwhenIfirstlearnedthecasedetails.Fewthingspissedmeoffmorethantheinequityofdraconiandruglaws.“Howstupidisthat?Somerapistsonlygetafewmonthsinjail,buthavealittlemarijuanaonyouandyourrecordisstainedforever.That’ssuchbullshit.YouhaveweedfarmersinColoradorakinginthecashfromthesaleofmarijuanawhilepeoplelikeTerencearevilifiedforit.Tellmewherethejusticeisinthat.I—what?”IstoppedwhenInoticedJoshstaringatmewithatiny,almostfascinatedsmile.
“I’veneverseenyousoworkedupoversomethingthatwasn’tme.”
“Onceagain,you’veprovedyourself-absorptionknowsnobounds.”Myflushofangercooled,thoughmyindignationattheinjusticeofitallremained.“That’snotmebreakingthetruce,”Iadded.“That’safact.”
“Sureitis,”Joshsaiddryly.“Butyou’reright.ThereisnojusticeinwhathappenedtoTerence.”
Icockedmyhead,sureI’dheardwrong.“Repeatthat.Themiddlesentence.”
Firsttheapology,thentheadmissionIwasright.WasthatreallyJoshsittingacrossfromme,orhadaliensabductedhimandswitchedhimoutwithamoreagreeablebodyswap?
“No.”
“Doit.”Inudgedhisfootwithmine,earningmyselfascowl.“Iwanttohearyousayitagain.”
“WhichisexactlywhyIwon’t.”
“Comeon.”Igavehimmybestpuppydogface.“It’sFriday.”
“Thathasnothingtodowithanything.”Joshheavedalong,put-uponsighwhenIdeepenedmypuppyeyes.“Isaid,you’reright.”HesoundedsodisgruntledIalmostlaughed.“Onlyaboutthisonething,though.Notanythingelse.”
“See.Thatwasn’tsohard.”Ifoldedthecupcakewrapperneatlyintoasquareandpushedittothesideforfuturedisposal.“Youhaveadecentsmilewhenyou’renotbeinganass,”Iaddedgenerously,sincewewerebeingnice
“Thanks.”
IignoredJosh’ssarcasmandswitchedbacktothecase.IwantedtofinishallmyworkbeforeIleftsoIdidn’thavetospendtheweekendworryingaboutit.OurVermonttripwastomorrow,andwhileIwasn’tlookingforwardtotwodaysinacabinwithJosh,Iwaslookingforwardtomyfirstvacationoftheyear.
Ididn’tcountmytriptoEldorraforBridget’scoronation.I’donlybeenthereforaweekend,andit’dbeensocrazyIbarelyhadtimetosleep,muchlesssightsee.
“Now,abouttheBowers.”Itappedmypenagainstthepaper.“LisamentionedwecouldprovidefreemedicalcheckupsforLaurawhileshe’shealing.”
“Yes.Usually,wehavethemcomeintothefreeclinic.”Joshwavedinthegeneraldirectionoftheexit,anditonlyoccurredtomenowthathemust’vebeenstaffingtheclinicallday.Thepop-uptentwassetupoutsideLHAC,soIwouldn’thaveseenhimarrive.“ButgivenLaura’ssituation,wecanmakehomevisits.Wejusthavetofillouttheappropriatepaperwork…”
Forthenexthour,JoshandIworkedontheBowercasetogether.HecreatedacheckupscheduleandhandledthemedicalpaperworkwhileIfinishedfactcheckingthedetailsandgatheredtheinformationweneededtoclearTerence’srecord.
IsnuckaglanceatJoshwhilehescribbledsomethingonablanksheetofpaper.Hisbrowetchedwithafrownofconcentration,andIrealizeditwasthefirsttimeI’dseenhimwork.
“Likewhatyousee?”heaskedwithoutlookingupfromhispaper.
Heatcrawledupmyneckagain,thistimefromembarrassment.“Onlyifthethesauruschangedliketobeasynonymforloathe.”
Thecornerofhismouthcurvedupafractionofaninch.“Truce,JR.”
Icouldn’ttellwhetherthesoftreminderwasmockingornot,butitmademystomachflip.Maybehehadpoisonedthecupcake.
Ihighlightedapassageinthecasewithmoreaggressionthannecessary.JoshandImadeasurprisinglygoodteam,butIdidn’tfoolmyselfintothinkingourtrucewasaprecursortoanactualfriendship.
Onlyafewthingsinlifewerecertain:death,taxes,andthefactthatJoshChenandIwouldneverbefriends.10JOSH
ThebriefcamaraderieJulesandIexperiencedattheclinicfizzledlessthantwenty-fourhourslater,whenIarrivedattheairport’sprivatejetterminaltofindherlookingbright-eyed,bushy-tailed,andalltoosmugaboutbeatingmetotheairport.
“You’relate.”Julessippedhercoffee.Nodoubtitwasacaramelmochawithextracrunchandoatmilkbecauseshewaslactoseintolerantandhatedthetasteofalmondmilk.
Sopredictable.
“Wehaven’tboardedyet,whichmeansI’mnotlate.”Idroppedintotheseatoppositehersandfrownedatheroutfit.Yogapantsandboots,toppedwithafuzzypurplejacketandgiantsunglassesshe’dproppedontopofherhead.“Wherethehelldidyougetyourjacket?BarneysRUs?”
“Iwouldn’texpectsomeonewhoshoweduptotheairportinsweatpantstounderstandfashion.”Jules’seyesflickedtowardthesweatpantsinquestion,andmyirritationmeltedintosmugsatisfactionwhenshelingeredasecondtoolongonacertainarea.
“Takeapicture.Itlastslonger,”Idrawled.
Hereyessnappeduptomine.“Thanksfortheoffer,butI’mjustthinkingabouthoweasyitwouldbetocutyourprizedpossessionoff.”Shesmiled.“Sleeptightthisweekend,Joshy.Youneverknowwhatgoesbumpinthenight.”
Ididn’tbotherrespondingtoherridiculousthreat,butmyeyebrowspoppedupwhenshepickedupthesmallwhitepaperbagnexttoherandtosseditatmewithoutwarning.
Icaughtiteasily,myreflexeshonedfromyearsofsports.
Iopenedthebag,andmyeyebrowsrosehigherwhenIsawtheblueberrymuffinsittingatthebottom.
“Inreturnforthecupcake.”Maybethelightingwasplayingtricksonme,butIthoughtIspottedthefaintestpinktintonJules’scheeks.“Idon’tlikeowingpeople.”
“Itwasacupcake,JR,notaloan.”Ishookthebag.“Didyoupoisonthis?”Iasked,mirroringherquestionfromyesterday.“Avawillbeupsetifherbelovedbrotherdropsdeadduringherbirthdaytrip,whichmeansAlexwillbeupset,whichmeansyou’llbedead.”
Hersighcontainedthewearinessofathousandages.“Josh,eatthedamnmuffin.”
IdebatedforalloftwosecondsbeforeIshrugged.
Whatthehell.Therewereworsewaystogothandeathbyblueberry.
“Thankyou,”Isaidgrudgingly.
Irippedoffapieceofthepastryandpoppeditinmymouthwhilemyeyesrovedtheterminal.“Where’sthehappycouple?”
“Probablywhisperingsweetnothingstoeachotheroverbreakfast.”Julestiltedherheadtowardthefancy-lookingrestaurantfurtherdowntheterminal.
IsnortedatthethoughtofAlexwhisperingsweetanythingstoanyone,evenmysister.“Youdidn’tjointhem?”
“Didn’tfeellikethirdwheeling.”
“That’sneverstoppedyoubefore.”
Insteadofresponding,sheeyedmeovertherimofhercup,asmallnotchformingbetweenherbrows.“Isitweirdforyou?”sheasked.“GoingonatripwithAlex.”
Ipaused,myjawtensingforasecondbeforeIresumedchewing.“Itiswhatitis.Avaasked,soI’mhere.Theend,”IsaidafterIfinishedeating.
Atautsilencestretchedbetweenus,ripewithunspokenwords.
Julesloweredherdrinkbeforeraisingittohermouthagain,likeshewantedtoshieldherselffromwhatshewasabouttosaynext.“You’reagoodbrother.”
Nosnark,onlysincerity,butthewordshitmesomewheresouthofmygut.
“Yoursister’sinthehospital…”
“Almostdrowned…”
“I’msorryson,butyourmom…sheoverdosed…”
“Heliedtous.”TearsstreakedAva’scheeks.“Heliedtobothofus.”
“Joinusfortheholidays.”IclappedahandonAlex’sshoulder.“SpendingChristmasaloneisjustwrong.”
“I’dfeelbetterifIhadsomeoneItrustedlookingafterher,yaknow?”
“You’retheonlypersonItrust,period,outsideofmyfamily.AndyouknowhowworriedIamaboutAva…”
Disjointedmemoriescrowdedmybrain
WasIagoodbrother?
Ihadn’tbeentherewhenAvaalmostdied,twice.I’dbeentooblindtoseethetruthaboutourfatherallthoseyears.I’dlookeduptotheman,dideverythingIcouldtomakehimproud.AndI’dallbutpushedAvaintoAlex’sarmsbecause,onceagain,I’dtrustedsomeonewhoendedupbetrayingme.
Intheend,AlexandAva’srelationshipworkedout,butIwouldneverforgetthemonthswhenshewalkedaroundlikeashellofherself.Quiet,withdrawn,anddevoidofthesparkthatmadeherher.Everyday,IwokeupfearingIwouldfindherthewayI’dfoundourmom—withtoomanypillsinherstomachandnotenoughwilltolive.
AllbecauseIwastoogoddamnedstupidandplacedmytrustinpeopleIshouldn’thave.
Iknewittechnicallywasn’tmyfaultthatMichaeltriedtokillAva,orthatmymomcommittedsuicide,orthatAvafellinlovewithAlex.Butthatwasthethingaboutguilt.Itdidn’tgiveadamnaboutfactsorreason.Itsproutedfromthetiniestseedsofdoubt,slippedthroughthecracksofyourpsyche,andbythetimeyourealizedwhattheuglydarknessoozingthroughyourveinswas,it’dalreadyburroweditselfsodeepyoucouldn’tdigitoutwithoutlosingapartofyourself.
“Josh.”Jules’svoicesoundedmuffledandfaraway.“Josh!”
Itwaslouderandclearerthistime,enoughsoityankedmeoutofmythoughtsandbackintothesun-drenchedterminal.
Iblinked,myheartslammingagainstmyribcagewithsuchforceitrattledmybones.“Yeah.”
Thenotchbetweenherbrowsdeepened,andsomethingakintoconcernpassedthroughhereyes.“I’vebeencallingyournameforthepastfiveminutes.Areyou…okay?”
“Yeah,”Irepeated.Irakedahandthroughmyhairandforcedmyselftotakedeepbreathsuntilmyheartbeatslowedtoanormalrate.“Justthinkingaboutsomethings.”
ItwasthelamestreplyIcould’vegiven,butJulesdidn’tcallmeoutonit.Instead,shestaredatmeforaminutelongerbeforesheflickedhereyesovermyshoulderandsaid,“AlexandAvaarehere.”
Itwistedmyheadintimetoseethecoupleinquestioncomeintoview.
“Hey!”AvabrokeawayfromAlexandhuggedme.“You’reontime.”
“WhydoeseveryonethinkI’mnotpunctual?Iam,”Igrumbled.
Iswear,you’relatetoonepartyandsuddenlyeveryonethinksyoumakeahabitoutofit.
“Sure.”Mysisterpattedmeonthearmbeforesheaddressedthegroupatlarge.“Youguysreadytoboard?”
“Yep.”Julesstoodandtossedheremptydrinkintoanearbytrashcan.“Let’sdothis.”
SheandAvafellintostepaheadofmeandleftmewithAlex,whoIgreetedwithastiffnod.“Alex.”
“Josh.”Hisfacewasblank,perusual,butthetensesetofhisshoulderssuggestedIwasn’ttheonlyonewhohadqualmsaboutthisweekend.
Icouldonlyhopeweallmadeitoutintact.
***
BythetimewelandedinVermontanhourandahalflater,I’ddrownedmyanxietiesabouttheweekendwithtwomimosas,holdtheorangejuice,courtesyoftheprivatejetservice.
AblackRangeRoverwaitedforusoutsidetheairport,whichwasonlyathirty-minuteridetotheresort,andAvaspentmostofthedrivedetailingtheresort’sluxuryamenities:aworld-classspa,twogourmetrestaurants,thefamedtripleblackdiamond,andabunchofotherthingsItunedout.
AllIcaredaboutwastheskitrail.Myfirsttripleblackdiamond.Itwasgoingtobeepic.
Iwasitchingtodropoffmyluggageandhittheslopes,butunfortunately,wehitourfirstsnagbeforeweevencheckedin.
“Whatdoyoumean,thelodgeisoccupied?”IciclesdrippedfromeachwordasAlexglaredatthepoorfrontdeskassistant.Henry,accordingtohisnametag.
“I’mterriblysorry,Mr.Volkov,butitappearstherewasamix-upinthesystem,andwedouble-bookedthisweekend.”Henrygulped.“Theotherguestsarrivedlastnightandcheckedin.”
“Isee.”Alex’svoicedroppedanothertendegrees.“Sowhere,exactly,arewesupposedtostay,consideringIalreadyshelledoutaconsiderablesumofmoneyforthePresidentialLodge?”
Henrygulpedagainandtappedfuriouslyonhiscomputer.
AvatuggedonAlex’shandandwhisperedsomethinginhisearthatcausedhisshoulderstorelax,thoughhekepthisglarepinnedtoHenry.
Ileanedagainstthecounter,notdumbenoughtoopenmymouthwhileAlexwasonthewarpath.EvenJuleswassilent,thoughthatmightbebecauseshewastoobusyeyefuckingsomeguyacrossthelobby.
Igavetheguyaquickonce-over.Blondhair,unnaturallywhitesmile,thesamepaleblueshirtandkhakisastherestoftheresortstaff.I’dbetmylastdollarhewasaskiinstructor.Hejusthadthatannoying,eagerlook.
“Putyourtonguebackinyourmouth,JR.You’redrooling.”
“Idon’tdrool.”JulessmiledatSkiBro,whosmiledback.
Irritationcurledinmystomach.Itwastheresort’sgrandopeningweekend,andhewasloiteringinthelobby,flirtingwithguests.Didn’thehaveajobtodo?
“There’soneVIPlodgeleft,”Henrysaid.“TheEagleLodgeisn’tasbigasthePresidentialLodge,butithasthebestviewandthesameamenities.Ofcourse,we’rehappytorefundyouforthedifferenceinpricingaswellasincludeacomplimentarymealandspagiftcardtomakeupfortheinconvenience.”
IfAvaweren’there,IwassureAlexwould’verippedtheguyanewone,butallhesaidwas,“HowmuchsmalleristheEagleLodge?”
“Ithastwobedroomsinsteadoffour.Butthecouchinthelivingroomcanbeconvertedintoabed,”HenryhastenedtoaddwhenAlex’sbrowslowered.
“It’sfine.”AvaplacedahandonAlex’sforearm.“It’sjustfortheweekend.”
Alex’snostrilsflaredbeforeheacquiescedwithashortnod.“TheEagleLodgeisfine.”
“Great.”Henry’sreliefwaspalpable.“Herearethekeycards…”
IshiftedmyattentionbacktoJuleswhilehegaveinstructionsonhowtogettothelodge.
“Youdonehavingsexinthelobby?”
JuleswasstillsilentlyflirtingwithSkiBro,butshetorehereyesawayfromhimatmycomment.“IfyouthinkI’mhavingsexrightnow,it’snowonderwomenleaveyourroomunsatisfied.”
Touché.
Asmallsmileplayedonmylips.Ifadventuresportsweremyphysicalrelease,sparringwithJuleswasmymentalone.Nothingelsegavemequitethesamerush.
“Womenleavemyroomfeelingallsortsofthings,butIguaranteeunsatisfiedisn’toneofthem.”
“That’swhatmenalwaysthink,”shescoffed.“Iregrettoinformyouthey’reprobablyfakingit.”
“Icantellthedifferencebetweenafakeorgasmandarealone,JR.”
“Soyou’resayingwomenhavefakedorgasmswithyou.”Hervoicewasallsugarandarsenic.
“Myfirstfewtimes.”Iwasn’tembarrassedbythefact.Everyonestartedatzero.“Butpracticemakesperfect.Maybeyou’llfindoutforyourselfoneday,ifyou’relucky.”
JulesgaggedaswefollowedAlexandAvaoutofthelobbytoourlodge.“Don’tmakemethrowup.Wejustgothere,andIdespisevomit.”
Alaughrumbledinmythroat.Shewassofuckingeasytorileup.
Butwhenwearrivedatthelodge,mylaughdiedinthefaceofhiccupnumbertwo:thepulloutcouchwasnot,infact,apullout.Itwasjustadamncouch,whichmeanttherewereonlytworoomsforthefourofus,andeverypossiblepairingsoundedworsethanthelast.
“IcanroomwithJules.”AvaslantedanapologeticglanceinAlex’sdirection.“YouandJoshcanshare.”
“No.”IwouldratherswimnakedintheicyriverborderingtheresortthanroomwithAlex.
“What’sthealternative?”sheargued.“Idon’twanttospendalldaydebatingroomassignments.”
Therewereonlytwootheroptions.IcouldroomwithAvaorJules.IfIroomedwithAva,AlexandJuleswouldhavetoberoommates,andthatwasfuckingweird.
“I’llsharewithJR.”IjerkedmyheadinJules’sdirection.“YouandAlextakethemaster.Theguestbedroomhastwobeds,sowe’llmakeitwork.”
Itwasn’tideal,butitwastheleastterriblechoice.
Julesechoedmysentimentwithasmuchenthusiasmasamouseenteringasnake’scage.
“Yousure?”Avawasfullyawareoftheanimositybetweenus,andshewasprobablypicturingusmurderingeachotherinoursleep.
Itwasn’toutoftherealmofpossibility.
“Yep.Let’sjustgetthisoverwithsowecanhittheslopes.”Wewouldn’tbeinourroomsmuch,anyway.IcouldjustturninforthenightandpretendJuleswasn’tthere.
Unfortunately,theuniverseanditsfuckedupsenseofhumorhaddifferentplans.
Whenweopenedthedoortotheguestbedroom,weweregreetedwithhiccupnumberthree,AKAtheworstthingI’deverseeninmyentirelife.
“Nofuckingway,”JulessaidatthesametimeIgrowled,“You’vegottobeshittingme.”
Becausesittingsmackdabinthemiddleofanotherwisebeautifulroom,piledhighwithfluffypillowsandaluxuriousnavycomforter,wasafour-posterbed.
Bed.Singular.Asin,therewasonlyone.
AndIhadtoshareitwithJulesAmbrose.
Killmenow.11JULES
GodwaspunishingmeforwrongsI’dcommittedinmypastlife.ThatwastheonlyexplanationIcouldthinkofforwhyI’dbeensubjectedtomypredicament.
JoshandIbothrefusedtobackdownandtakethecouch,sowewerestuckinthesameroom,thesamebed,forthenexttwonights.Agentlemanwould’veofferedtosleepelsewhere,butJoshwasn’tagentleman.HewasthespawnofSatan…onewhowascurrentlystaringatmewithnarrowedeyesasItriedtofinessemywayoutofskiing.
“Youguysgoahead,”ItoldAva,makingapointedefforttoignoreJosh’ssuspiciousgaze.“IjustrememberedIleftsomethingatthecabin.”
“Yousure?Icangowithyou.”
“Nah.Wealreadywastedenoughtimewiththeroomsituation,andImighthanginthelodgeforabitfirst.”Iwavedabreezyhandintheair.“Yougoahead.I’llbefine.”
“Okay.”Avasoundeddoubtful.“We’llbehere.”
IheldmybreathandwaiteduntilAlexandAvadisappearedontheskiliftsbeforereleasingit.AprickleofanxietywormedinitswayintomysystemasIeyedthevastexpanseofsnowbeforeme.
Ididn’tthinkIwouldbethisaffected,consideringit’dbeensevenyearssincemylastskiweekend,butthattriphadspawnedsomanyawfulmemories.Plus,therewasthetape—
Don’tgothere.
“Whatthehelldidyouleaveatthecabin?”Joshinterruptedmyreverie.Forsomeonewho’dbeensoexcitedaboutskiing,hedidn’tseeminmuchofahurrytohittheslopes.
Hewasfullydeckedoutintop-of-the-lineskigear—blackpants,abluejacketthatstretchedacrosshisbroadshoulders,andskigoggleshe’dpushedupsotheysatontopofhisgraycap.Theoutfitlenthimarugged,athleticcharmthathadhalfthewomaninthevicinityeyeinghimwithinterest.
“Ileftmyphone.”Ishovedmyhandsinmypocketsandgrippedthephonenestledatthebottomoftherightpocket.
“Youhaditinyourhandonourwalkhere.”
Dammit.“WhyareyousoconcernedwithwhatIleftbehind?”Ideflected.“Don’tyouhaveablackdiamondtoattendto?”
“Tripleblackdiamond,”Joshcorrected.“AndI’mworkingmywayuptoit.”
“Well,don’tletmestopyou.”
Hisgazeturnedassessing.“Wait,”hesaidslowly,hiseyesrakingovermyforminawaythatmademyskinitch.“Doyouknowhowtoski?”
“OfcourseIdo.”Josh’seyebrowsrosefurtherasmonumentstohisskepticism,andIaddedgrudgingly,“Dependingonhowyoudefineknow.”
Myex-boyfriendMaxtaughtmeduringthatweekendwhenIwaseighteen.Ihadn’ttouchedapairofskissince.
Theanxietyexpandedandateatmynerves,butthatdidn’tstopmefromglaringatJoshwhenheburstintolaughter.
Insteadofdignifyinghismockerywitharesponse,IturnedandstalkedawaythebestIcouldinmystupidskiboots.Angrypuffsofsnowsprayedupwitheachstep.
“C’monJules.Youloveme,right?”Maxkissedmeandsqueezedmyass.“Ifyoulovedme,you’ddothisforme.Forus.”
“It’sforsecurityreasons,babe.Incasehedecidestopresscharges.”
“IpromiseI’llnevershowanyone.”
Sweattrickleddownmyspineatthememories,butIforcedthembackintotheboxwheretheybelongedbeforetheycouldreplayfurther.I’dalreadylivedthemonce;Ididn’tneedtodosoagain.
“Wait.”Joshcaughtupwithme,stilllaughing.Thesoundchasedoffthevestigesofmyunwantedtripdownmemorylane,andforonce,itdidn’tmakemewanttoslaphim,thoughthenextwordsoutofhismouthdid.“You’retellingmeyoudressedupinaskioutfit,rentedskis,andcameallthewaydownhere…butyoucan’tski?Whythehelldidn’tyousayanythingearlier?Youcould’vesignedupforlessonsorsomething.”
“IthoughtIcouldwingit.”Itwasn’tthebestplan,butitwasaplan.Sortof.
“Youthoughtyoucouldwingskiing?”
Mycheeksblazed.“Obviously,Ichangedmymind.”
“Yeah,goodthingyoudid,oryouwould’veprobablydied.”Josh’slaughfinallytaperedoff,butamusementlingeredatthecornersofhismouthandteasedthedimplemakingahalfappearance.
Mystomachdipped.I’dneverfacedgenuineamusementfromJoshbefore.Hissmile,absentofsarcasmandmaliciousness,was…disconcerting,evenwhenitwasonlyaquarterofasmile.
“I’mspendingtherestofthedayinthelodge,sodon’tworryaboutmedying.”Icrossedmyarmsovermychest.“MaybeI’llfindaguywhocanteachmehowtoski.”
“Liketheoneyouwereeyefuckinginthelobby?”heasked,histonedry.
“Perhaps.”Ididn’tdeigntoacknowledgetheeyefuckingpartofJosh’sstatement.Heseemedstrangelyfixatedonmybriefinteractionwithastranger,thoughtheguyhadbeencute.MaybeIcouldtrackhimdownlater.Flirtingalwaysperkedmeup,andIcouldusesomeactionthatdidn’tcomecourtesyofmyhandorbattery-operatedfriends.
Joshrubbedahandoverhisjaw,hisbrowstightandhischeekboneslikeslashesagainstthesnowybackground.“I’llteachyouhowtoski.”
“Right.”
“I’mserious.”
Ipaused,waitingforhimtocrackandgloatabouthowhe’dfooledme,andhowIdidn’treallythinkhe’dteachme,didI?
Butthemomentnevercame.
“Whywouldyoudothat?”Mystomachswoopedlowagainfornoreason.“Whataboutyourbelovedtripleblackdiamond?”
Joshofferingtohelpmemadenosense,especiallysincehe’dbeengoingonaboutthatfreakingskirunallmorning.Ifhetaughtmehowtoski,we’dhavetosticktothebeginner’sbunnyslope
“I’mdoingitbecauseI’maniceperson.Ilovehelpingmysister’sfriends,”Joshsaidsmoothly.Right.AndIwastheQueenoffuckingEngland.“Besides,skiingisskiing.Doesn’tmattertheslope.”
“I’mprettysurethat’snottrue.”EvenI,anovice,knewthat.
Joshletoutalong-sufferingsigh.“Look,doyouwanttolearnornot?”
“I’llteachyouhowtoski.”Max’steethflashedwhiteagainsthisface.“Trustme.Iwon’tletyoufall.”
Mychestknotted.IhatedthatMaxstillplaguedmeinthepresentwhenheshouldberottinginthepast,wherehebelonged.
Becauseofhim,Ihadn’tgoneskiinginsevenyears.It’dbeenanunconsciouschoice,butIhadn’trealizedhowdeepthescarsranuntilnow.EverythingthatremindedmeofMaxmademewanttohurl,butmaybeitwastimetoreplacethosebadmemorieswithnewones.
Ididn’twantskilessonsfromJosh,butIneededthem.Theywouldbeadistraction,andwhenIgotlikethis—whenmymindcouldn’tstopobsessingoverthepasttothepointwhereIdrovemyselfcrazy—distractionsweretheonlylifelineIhad.
“Fine.”Irubbedthesleeveofmyjacketbetweenmythumbandforefinger,takingcomfortinthesensationofthick,sturdymaterialagainstmyskin.“ButifIdie,I’llcomebackasaghostandhauntyouuntilthedayyoudie.”
“Noted.I’msurprisedyoudon’tknowhowtoski,”hesaidaswewalkedtowardthebunnyslope.“ThoughtyougrewupnearBlueMills.”
BlueMillswasOhio’smostfamousskiresort,anditwaslocatedlessthananhour’sdrivefromWhittlesburg,theColumbussuburbwhereIgrewup.
“Myfamilywasn’tbigonskiing.”Izippedandunzippedthetopofmyjackettoreleasesomeoftherestlessenergypouringthroughmyveins.“Wedidn’thavethemoneyforitevenifwewere.”
Iwantedtosnatchbacktheaccidentaladmissiontheseconditleftmymouth,butitwastoolate.
AfrowncarveditselfintoJosh’sforehead.
HeknewI’dattendedThayerundergradonaneed-basedscholarship,butwhatheandevenmyclosestfriendsdidn’tknowwashowbadit’dbeenintheearlyyears,beforemymothermarriedAlastair.Andtheysureashelldidn’tknowhowmuchworseitgotaftershemarriedhim,eventhoughAlastairhadbeentherichestmanintown.
“Youdon’ttalkmuchaboutyourfamily.”Joshskippedoverthepartaboutusnotbeingabletoaffordskiing—atinykindnessIhadn’texpectedbutwasnonethelessgratefulfor.
“There’snotmuchtotalkabout.”Ibittheinsideofmycheekuntilafaintcopperytastefilledmymouth.“Familyisfamily.Youknowhowitis.”
Ashadowcrossedhisface,dimmingthelightinhiseyesanderasinganytraceofhisdimple.“Idon’tthinkmyfamilysituationisacommonone.”
Isuppressedawince.
Right.PsychofatherwhotriedtokillAvatwiceandwhowasnowservinglifebehindbars.Notcommonindeed.
MichaelChenhadseemedsonormal,butthebiggestmonstersalwayslurkedbeneaththemostunsuspectingguises.
JoshandIdidn’tspeakagainuntilwearrivedatthebunnyslope.
“We’llrunthroughthebasicsfirstbeforegoingupthehill,”hesaid.“Don’tneedyoucrashingintoapoorchildandtraumatizingthem.Luckyforyou,I’manawesometeacher,sothisshouldn’ttaketoolong.”
“Yourhilarityisonlymatchedbyyourmodesty,”Ideadpanned.“Okay,awesometeacher,let’sseewhatyougot.Andremember.”Ipointedathim.“IfIdie,I’mhauntingyourassforeternity.”
Joshplacedahandoverhisheart,ascandalizedexpressionspreadingacrosshisface.Anyhintsofhisearlierbroodinghaddisappeared.“JR,I’mshocked.Therearechildrenaround.Trytokeepyourobsessionwithmyassunderwrapsuntilwereturntoourroom.”
Imimedgagging.“Unlessyouwantmyvomitdecoratingyourfancyskisuit,Isuggestyoustoptalkingandstartteaching.”
“Ican’tteachwithouttalking,genius.”
“Oh,shutup.YouknowwhatImean.”
Afteranotherfewminutesofbickering,westrappedonourskisandgotdowntobusiness.Iwasn’tatotalnovice,soIpickedupthebasicsquickly.Intheory,anyway.
Ihadtheetiquettedownpat,butwehitatinybumpwhenJoshranmethroughaseriesofexercisesdesignedtomakememorecomfortableonskis.
“Shit!”Frustrationwelledinmystomachwhenmyasshitthegroundforwhatmust’vebeenthedozenthtime.
Ididn’trememberitbeingsohardthefirsttimearound.Ipridedmyselfonbeingafastlearner,butwe’dbeenatitforthebetterpartofthemorningandI’donlymarginallyimproved.
“Let’stryagain.”
Tomysurprise,Joshhadremainedcalmduringourentirelesson,neveryellingorteasingmefornotpickingupwhateleven-year-oldsarounduswereaccomplishingsospectacularly.EverytimeImessedup,herepeatedthesamethreewords.Let’stryagain.
Forthefirsttime,Isawwhathemustbelikeintheemergencyroom:cool,level-headed,patient.Itwasstrangelycomforting,thoughI’dneveradmitit.
“Idon’tthinkI’mbuiltforskiing.”Ipushedmyselfoffthegroundwithawince.“Iproposeweditchtheslopesforhotchocolateandpeoplewatching.Wecanguesswho’sherewiththeirmistressandwho’llbethefirsttohookupwithastaffmember.”
Theweslippedoutwithoutthinking.SincewhendidIvoluntarilyincludeJoshinmyactivities?Butpeoplewatchingwasnofunwithoutsomeonetoappreciatemyinsights,andsinceAvawaspreoccupied,herbrotherwasmyonlyoption.
Joshwalkedtowardme,hisstepsslowandprecise,untilhewassocloseIcouldsmellthefaint,deliciousscentofhiscologne.
Iforcedmyselfnottoshiftbeneaththeweightofhisscrutiny.
“Wecoulddothat,”hesaid.“Butthatwouldbequitting.Areyouaquitter,Jules?”
Mypulsekickedupatthesoundofmynameinthatdeep,slightlyhuskyvoice.Hadhealwayssoundedlikethat,orwasIgoingcrazy?Hisvoiceusedtopiercemyeardrumslikenailsdraggingacrossachalkboard.Now,itwas…
Nope.Notgoingthere.
“No.”Iheldhisstareevenasanotherbeadofsweatrolleddownmyspine,leavingatrailofheatandelectricityinitswake.“I’mnot.”
ThemeresuggestionIwasaquittermademyteethclench.
“Good,”Joshsaid,stillinthatcalm,evenvoice.“Tryagain.”
Idid,againandagain,untilmymusclesscreamedandexhaustionclawedatmybones.ButIwouldgetthehangofthis.I’dmasteredharderthingsthanskiing,andfailurewasn’tanoption.IneededtoprovetomyselfIcoulddothis.Mypridewouldn’tallowanythingelse.
AllthetorturefinallypaidoffanhourlaterwhenIcompletedalltheexerciseswithoutfallingandJoshproclaimedmereadyforthebunnyslope.
“Goodjob.”Thecornersofhismouthpulledupjustthetiniestbit.“Youcaughtonfasterthanmostpeople.”
Inarrowedmyeyes,tryingtodetectanyhintofsarcasm,buthesoundedsincere.
Huh.
Wewalkedtothetopofthehill,whereJoshgesturedtowardaspotinthedistance.
“We’lltakeiteasy,”hesaid.“I’mgoingtostandthere,andIwantyoutoskidownandstopinfrontofmeusingthesnowplow.Doyouneedmetogooverhowtodoitagain?”
“No.Igotit.”
MystomachjumpedwithnervesandanticipationasJoshtookhisspotandmotionedformetojoinhim.
Heregoesnothing.
Itookadeepbreathandstartedmydescent.IwasgoingalittlefasterthanIshould,giventheshortdistancetoJosh,butthatwasfine.Icouldjustsnowplowearly.
Honestly,thiswasn’tsobad.Itwasactuallykindofexhilarating—thewindinmyface,thefreshmountainair,thesmoothglideofmyskisagainstthesnow.ItwasnothinglikemyweekendwithMax.Imighteven—
“Stop!”
Josh’sshoutyankedmeoutofmyramblingthoughts,andalarmkickedmeinthegutwhenIrealizedhowfastIwasspeedingtowardhim.
Shit.IpushedthebacksofmyskisouttoformaninvertedV,thewayhe’dtaughtme,butitwastoolate.Velocitypropelledmefasterandfasterdownthehilluntil—
“Fuck!”IcrashedintoJoshwithenoughforcetoknockbothofustotheground.
Mybreathwhooshedoutofmylungsinapainfulrush,andheletoutanaudiblegruntasIlandedontopofhim,ourlimbsakimbo,snowsprayingupandsprinklinguswithtinywhitecrystals.
“Whatpartofstopdon’tyouunderstand?”hegrowled,annoyancestampedoneveryinchofhisface.
“Itriedtostop,”Isaiddefensively.“Itdidn’twork.”
“Obviously.”Joshletoutasmallcough.“Christ,Ithinkyoubruisedmyribs.”
“Stopbeingdramatic.You’refine.”Nevertheless,Iglanceddowntomakesureweweren’tbleedingandthatourarmsandlegsweren’tbentatunnaturalangles.Icouldn’tseebruisedribs,buthisfacewasn’tscrunchedinpainoranything,soIassumedhewasn’tdying.
“Youcould’vekilledme.”
Irolledmyeyes.AndpeoplesaidIwasadramaqueen.
“Itwasafall,Chen.Youcould’vemovedoutoftheway.”
“Somehow,I’mnotsurprisedyou’reblamingmeforsomethingyoudidwrong.You’resomethingelse,JR.”
“StopcallingmeJR.”Itwasaninaneargumenttohavewhilewewereplasteredtogetheronthesnow,butIwassofreakingsickofthatnickname.EverytimeIheardit,Ilostafractionofmysanity.
“Fine.”TheannoyanceevaporatedfromJosh’sexpressionandgavewaytolazymischief.“You’resomethingelse,Red.”
“Red.Howcreative,”Isaidflatly.“I’mbaffledbyhowyoucomeupwithsuchuniqueandtotallynotobviousnicknames.”
“Didn’trealizeyouspentsomuchtimethinkingaboutmynicknamesforyou.”Joshtuggedonalockofmyhair,awickedgleamenteringhiseyes.“AndI’mnotcallingyouRedbecauseofyourhaircolor.I’mcallingyouRedbecauseyoumakemeseeredhalfthetime.Plus,itrollsoffthetonguebetterthanJR.”
Myansweringsmilecontainedenoughsugartogivehimdiabetesonthespot.“Icanseehowtwosyllablesmightbetoomuchforyourpunybraintohandle.”
“Babe,nothingaboutmeispuny.”Joshloweredhishandandletitdrifttomyshoulder,whereitlingeredlongenoughtosearthroughlayersoffabricandintomybones.
Mybreathcaughtinmythroat.Anunwittingmentalimageofhisnothingflashedthroughmymind,andahumofelectricitysurgedthroughmyblood,soswiftandunexpectedIlostmywords.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Icouldn’tthinkofasinglecomeback.
Instead,Iwassuddenly,painfullyawareofhowclosewewere.Istilllayontopofhimfromourfall,andourtorsospressedsotightagainsteachotherIcouldfeelhisheartbeat—fast,erratic,andcompletelyatoddswithhislanguorousdrawl.Thewhiteplumesofourbreathsmingledinthetinydistancebetweenourfaces,andabriefzingofsurprisetraveledthroughmeatthesight.
Consideringthetightnessinmychest,Ihadn’tthoughtIwasbreathingatall.
Josh’ssmilefaded,buthishandremainedonmyshoulder—awhisper-lighttouchcomparedtohisearlierhairtug,yetenoughformetofeelitfromthetopofmyheadtothetipsofmytoes.
Ilickedmyparchedlips,andhiseyesdarkenedbeforedippingtomymouth.
Thehumofelectricitytransformedintoaboltoflightning,lightingmeupfromtheinside.
Ishouldgetoffhim.Ineededtogetoffhimbeforemythoughtswandereddownevenmoredisturbingpaths,buttherewassomethingsoreassuringaboutthesolidweightofhisbodybeneathmine.Hesmelledlikewinterandheatallwrappedintoone,anditwasmakingmelight-headed.
It’sjustthemountainair.Getyourselftogether.
“Jules,”hesaidsoftly.
“Yeah?”Thewordstuckinmythroatbeforeitcameoutallwrong.Weirdandraspyandnotatalllikemynormalvoice.
“Onascaleofonetoten,howbadlydoyouwanttofuckmerightnow?”
Themomentshatteredintoathousandpieces.
MyskinflamedasIshovedmyselfoffhim,makingsuretojabmyelbowintohisfaceasIdidso.
“Negativeonethousand,”Ihissed.“Timesinfinity.”
Josh’slaugherasedanygoodwillhe’daccruedduringourskilessons.
Icouldn’tbelieveIthoughthemightbesomewhattolerable.Onesemi-decentmorningdidn’tchangethefacthewasthesameinsufferable,cockyasshe’dalwaysbeen.
Theworstpartwas,hewasn’tentirelywrong.Therehadbeenamoment,justthebriefestone,whenI’dimaginedwhathishandswouldfeellikeonmyskin.Whathismouthwouldtastelike,whetherhelikeditlongandsloworfastandhard.
Aballofangryembarrassmentformedinmythroat.Clearly,Ineededtogetlaid,andfast,ifIwasfantasizingaboutfreakingJoshChen.
“Methinkstheladydothprotesttoomuch.”Joshpushedhimselfup,hismouthcurvedintoasmuggrinevenashiseyessimmeredwithbankedheat.Thesightmademefeelsomewhatbetter.AtleastIwasn’ttheonlyoneaffectedbyourproximity.“Wecanmakeithappen,youknow.I’mnolongeropposedtotheidea.Ourrelationshipisprogressing.”
“Theonlyrelationshipwehaveisinyourdreams.”Iyankedmycapoffandranahandthroughmytousledhair.“We’redonewithlessons.”
“Quitter.”Thesoftmockeryprickledagainstmyskin,butIdidn’ttakethebaitagain.
“I’mnotquitting.I’mpostponing.”Ijuttedoutmychin.“I’llsignupforreallessonswiththeresorttomorrow.MaybeI’llgettheguyfromthelobbyasmyinstructor.”Blondhair,eagersmile,muscledbody.LobbyGuymightaswellhaveSkiBrostampedonhisforehead.“I’msureI’llactuallyenjoymytimewithhim.”
Josh’sgrintookonahardedge.“Whateveryouneedtotellyourself,Red.”
Insteadofresponding,IturnedonmyheelsandstormedawayasgracefullyasIcouldinskis.Ishould’vetakenthemoffbeforemygrandexit,butitwastoolatenow.
ThedullacheofirritationthrobbedinmystomachandintensifiedthecloserIgottothelodge.God,Iwasanidiot.Ishould’veknownbetterthanto—
Outofnowhere,theacheescalatedintoblindingpain.Itrippedthroughmelikeaserratedbladeandforcedmetodoubleoverwithasmallgasp.
No.No,no,no.
Mypulseroaredinmyears.
Itwastooearly.Itwasn’tsupposedtohappenuntilnextweek.
Butwhenanotherspikeofpaincausedtearstoforminmyeyes,itwasclearMotherNaturedidn’tgiveadamnaboutmyschedules.
Itwashappeningnow,andtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.12JOSH
AfterJulesstormedoff,IsqueezedinonerundowntheadvancedskislopebeforeImetupwithAlexandAvaforlunch.
IassumedJuleshadreturnedtothelodgeafterourfailedskilesson,butthefourthspotatthetablewasconspicuouslyempty.
Ieyedit,distractedlyansweringAva’squestionsabouthowmymorningwent,beforeIasked,“Where’stheredheadedmenace?Offstickingpinsinavoodoodollsomewhere?”
Consideringthewayshe’dstompedoff,Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifthevoodoodollwasofme.
Ididn’tknowwhatpossessedmetoofferherskilessonsinthefirstplace.IblameditonthemountainairandthechampagneI’dimbibedontheflight,butspendingamorningwithJuleshadn’tbeenasterribleasI’dexpected.Plus,it’dbeenworthitforherreactionalonewhenIaskedhowbadlyshewantedtofuckme.
MymouthtuggedupatthememoryofJules’scrimsoncheeks.Shecoulddenyitallshewanted,butshe’dthoughtaboutit.I’dseenitinhereyes,feltintheshallowriseandfallofherchestagainstmine.
Shehadn’tbeentheonlyonethinkingimpurethoughts.
Ourfallhadbeenanaccident,butthewayhercurvesmoldedtomybodyhadbeenarevelation.We’dbothbeenbundledupinwinterclothing,butinmymind,wemightaswellhavebeennaked.Icouldpictureitsovividly—hersilkyskin,herlushcurves,heraggravatingsnarkmeltingintoamoanasIfuckedhersenseless…
Fuck.
Isnappedopenmynapkinandplaceditovermylap.Mycockstrainedagainstmyzipper,andIprayedneitherAlexnorAvanoticedmyunevenbreathsasIreachedformyglassagain.
Ididn’tknowwhatwasintheairthatmademefantasizeaboutJulessomuchtoday,butitwasfuckingwithmyhead.I’dbeenthisclosetodoingsomethingcrazyearlier,like—
“Shetextedandsaidshe’snotfeelingwell.”Avasippedherwater,herexpressioncagey.“She’srestingatthecabin.”
Myarousalcooledatthenewinformation.“Shewasfineanhourago.”
Alexarchedaneyebrow.“Howdoyouknow?”
Shit.“I,uh,ranintoherontheslopes.”
“Julessaidshedidn’tgoskiing.”SuspicionflaredinAva’seyes.“Shestayedatthelodgeaftershepickedupherphonefromthecabin.”
Doubleshit.“Maybeshewenttotheskirunfirst,thenchangedhermind.”IliftedmyshouldersinwhatIhopedwasacasualshrug.“Whoknows?Hermindworksinstrangeways.”
AtinysmirktouchedAlex’smouth.
Luckily,thewaiterarrivedandsavedmefromfurtherinterrogation.Afterweplacedourorders,IshiftedtheconversationtoAva’slatestassignmentatWorldGeographicmagazine,wheresheworkedasajuniorphotographer.Nothinganimatedhermorethantalkingaboutphotography.
Ihalf-listenedasmysisterrambledonaboutherprojectdocumentingthecity’sstreetartscene.Ilovedher,butIgavezeroshitsaboutphotography.
MyeyesstrayedagaintoJules’semptyseat.Knowingher,shehadaminorheadacheandwasclaimingnear-deathsymptoms.
Probably.
Maybe.
She’sfine.Icutintomychickenwithunnecessaryforce.
WhetherJuleswasbeingherusualdramaticselfbyforgoinglunchoractuallydying,Ididn’tcare.Ithadabsolutelynothingtodowithme.
***
Bythetimelunchended,I’dpushedJulesoutofmymind…forthemostpart.Ididn’tblinkwhenAvalefttocheckonJulesandbringherlunch,butmymusclesknottedwhensheinsistedAlexandIhittheslopeswithouther.
I’davoidedone-on-oneinteractionswithAlexallmorning.Itseemedmyluckhadrunout.
Ifixedmyeyesonthehorizonaswewalkedtowardthetripleblackdiamond,ourconversationconsistingofnothingmorethanthesoftcrunchofourbootsinthesnow.
We’dexchangedafewsentenceshereandthereatlunch,butAvaandIhaddominatedthediscussionwhileAlexatequietly.
Thathadalwaysbeenourdynamic,evenbeforeourfallingout.Italked,helistened.Iwastheextrovert,andhewastheintrovert.Avausedtojokinglycallusyinandyang.
IcouldsaythesameforherrelationshipwithAlex.HersunnyoptimismwasasfarremovedfromAlex’sicycynicismasthesunwasfromthemoon,buttheysomehowmadeitwork.
“FiftybuckssaysAvastayswithJulesanddoesn’tjoinus,”Alexsaidasweapproachedtheskirun.
Isnorted.“Nobet.Julesalwaysdragsherintoshit.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifwereturnedtothecabinandfoundtheplaceonfire.”
Unless,ofcourse,Julesreallywasincapacitated.Avahadn’telaboratedonwhatshe’dmeantwhenshesaidJules“wasn’tfeelingwell.”
Wasitamigraine?Astomachache?Wasshehurtaftershe’dcrashedintomeearlier?
WorryclawedupmythroatbeforeIforceditbackdown.She’dstompedoffwellenoughaftermyjoke.Shewasfine.Ifshewasn’t,Avawould’vefreakedoutmore.
BeforeAlexcouldanswer,ourphonesemittedsimultaneouspings.Wecheckedourmessages,andIshookmyheadwhenIreadthetexts.
Ava:I’mstayingwithJulesforabit.Don’twaitupforme.I’llseeyouatdinner.
Ava:Havefun!xx
“Youcalledit.”Ipocketedmycell.Iwasn’tsurewhetherJulesneededAvatostaywithher,orifthiswasanotheroneofAva’sattemptstoforcemeandAlextomakeup.Probablyboth.“What’supwithJules,anyway?Avadidn’tsay.”Ikeptmytoneascasualaspossible.
“Ididn’task.”
Ofcoursehedidn’t.Alexonlycaredabouttwopeople,andboththeirnamesstartedwithanA.
“Well,I’msureshe’sokay.”Islidmygogglesoffmyheadandovermyeyes.
“Youseemunusuallyconcernedwithherwell-being.Ithoughtyouhatedher.”
Myspineturnedrigidattheimplication.“I’mnot,andIdo.”
“Right.”
Iignoredhisknowingglanceandangledmyheaddownthehill.“Raceyoutothebottom.”
Itwaspartolivebranch,partdistraction.I’dbeenhandingoutalotofthoselately.ButifIcouldthawmyrelationshipwithJules—onlyalittlebit,forshortburstsoftime—perhapsIcoulddothesamewithAlex.
Itdidn’tmeanIforgavehim.Ihadnotroubleholdingontoagrudge,butactivelyhatingsomeonewasexhausting,especiallywhenyouwerestuckincloseproximitytothemforanextendedperiodoftime.Andthesedays,Iwasjustsodamntiredallthetime.EvenwhenIwasphysicallyfine,Iwasmentallyexhausted.
Lifechippedawayatme,bitbybit,andIdidn’tknowhowtoreclaimanyofthepiecesIlost.
SurprisepassedthroughAlex’sfacebeforethetiniestofsmilesgracedhislips.“Loserbuysdrinksfortherestoftheweekend.”
“ConsideringI’mastrugglingmedicalresidentandyou’reafuckingmillionaire,I’mgettingtheshortendofthestick,”Igrumbled.
“Don’tinsultme.I’mabillionaire,”hesaid.“Butifyouhavethatlittlefaithinyourskiingability…”Heshrugged.“Wecancallitoff.”
Iscowled.Ihatedhisreversepsychologybullshit,yetIalwaysfellforit.“Ihaveplentyoffaithinmyathleticism,deskjockey.”Iheldoutmyhand.“It’sadeal.”
Alexletoutasoftlaugh,unperturbedbythedeskjockeyinsult.Hemadeashittonofmoneysittingbehindhisdesk,soIguessIwouldn’tbebotheredeitherifIwerehim.
Heshookmyhandwithacompetitiveglintinhiseyes.“Deal.”
Andjustlikethat,wewereoff.
Wewerebothprosatskiing,soitdidn’ttakeuslongbeforewewereflyingdownthehill.
Weweren’tsupposedtoskisuchadifficultrunatsuchhighspeed,butneitherofushadevergivenadamnaboutsuchrules.
Mystressfromwork,mytensionwithAlex,mydisturbingnewfixationwithJules….theyallmeltedawayasIenteredmyelement.
Adrenalinepumpedinmyveins,fueledbythewindwhippingagainstmyfaceandthecoldairstealingintomylungs.Myheartwasawildanimaluncaged,mysensessharpenedbladesthatpickeduponeverydetailoftheworldaroundme—theflecksofsnowsprayingupatme,thewhistleofthewindandthequietroarofmyheart,everybumpandridgeasItoredownmyfirsttripleblackdiamond.
Ablack-cladfigurewhizzedbyme.
Alex.
Myfacesplitintoagrinasmycompetitivenesskickedupanothernotch.Idrovepressureontothetipofmyoutsideskiandblewpasthim.
IthoughtIheardAlexlaughbehindme,butthewindcarriedthesoundawaybeforeitfullyreachedmyears.
Imadeatightturnaroundajuttingrock,thenanotherhairpinturntofollowthepathoftherun.Mostpeoplewouldfreakoutgoingthisfastonatripleblack,butforme,nothingbeattherushofescapingdeathbytheskinofmyteeth.
BetweenAva’snear-drowning,mymom’ssuicide,andthepeopleIsaved—andcouldn’tsave—intheemergencyroom,DeathandIwereoldacquaintances.Ihatedthebastard,andeverytimeIsurvivedoneofmyescapades,itwasametaphoricalfuckyoutothereaper.
Oneofthesedays,hewouldcatchmeashedideveryoneelse.Butnottoday
Moreturns.Moreobstaclesthat,ifIwerealessexperiencedskier,would’velandedmeintheERasapatientinsteadofadoctor.Itookeachoneastheycame,neverslowingdown,thoughIdidn’tgoquiteasfastasIwouldonanormalslope.
AlexandIkeptroughlythesamepaceuntiltheend,whenIbeathimtothebottomofthetrailbylessthanfiveseconds.
Satisfactionfilledmylungs.“Lookslikedrinksareonyouthisweekend.”Ipushedmygogglesbackupmyhead,mychestheavingwithexertion.“Goodthingyou’reabillionairewithab,becauseI’maskingthebartenderforthemostexpensivedrinktheyserve.Everytime.”
“Notyet.”Alexnarrowedhiseyes.Itwasalwayshilariousseeinghisreactionwhenhelostbecauseithappenedsoinfrequently.“Bestoutofthree.”
“Changingtherulesafterthefact.”Itskedindisappointment.“You’reasorefuckingloser,Volkov.”
“Idon’tlose.”
“Whatdoyoucallwhatjusthappened?”Igesturedatthesteep,windingtrailbehindus.
Raremischiefgleamedinhiseyes.“Alternativewinning.”
“Oh,fuckoffwiththatbullshit.”ButIcouldn’thelplaughing.
SinceIwasn’tonetoeverturndownachallenge,Iagreedtothebestofthree,thoughIregretteditwhenAlexbeatmebyaminuteonthesecondrun.
Thethirdrunwasevencloserthanourfirst.Wewereliterallynecktoneckuntilthelastsecond,whenIpulledaheadbyahair.
Asmuggrinbloomedonmyface,andIopenedmymouthbeforeAlexcutmeoff.
“Don’tsayaword,”hewarned.
“Wasn’tgoingto.”Myexpressionsaiditall.
“Don’tfeelbad.”Iclappedhimonthebackaswewalkedbacktothelodgefordinner.“There’snoshameinalternativewinning.Justaskanysilvermedalist.”
“Idon’tfeelbad.IfIdo,I’lljustbuymyselfagoldmedal.Twenty-fourkarats,Cartier.”
“You’reanasshole.”
“Always.”
Ishookmyheadwithalaugh.Ihadn’thungoutwithAlexinsolongI’dforgottenhowfuckeduphissenseofhumorwas,thoughIwasoneofthefewpeoplewhoevenconsideredithumor.Mostpeoplechalkedhisdeadpandeliveriesuptohimbeingadick,which…well,fairenough.Avausedtocallhimarobot—
Mysmiledisappeared.
Ava.Michael.Kidnappingandsecretsandthousandsofliesthattaintedeverymemoryofourfriendship.
Thatafternoonhadbeenourclosesttonormalinalongtime,andI’dalmostforgottenwhyAlexandIwerenolongerfriends.
Almost.
Alexmust’vepickedupontheshiftinatmospherebecausehissmilefadedalongsidemineandhisjawvisiblytightened.
Tensiondescendedlikeanironcurtainbetweenus.
IwishedIcouldforgetwhathappenedandstartover.Ihadplentyoffriends,butI’donlyeverhadonebestfriend,andsometimesImissedhimsodamnmuchithurt.
ButIwasn’tthesamepersonIwastwoyearsago,andneitherwasAlex.Ididn’tknowhowtomoveonnomatterhowmuchIwantedto.EverytimeImadeprogress,theyokeofthepastyankedmebacklikeajealousmistress.
Andyet,ourskicompetitionprovedAlexandIcouldactnormalaroundeachotherevenwhenAvawasn’tthere.Itwasn’tenough,butitwasastart.
“Ihadagoodtimetoday,”Isaidstiffly,testingthewatersformyselfasmuchasforAlex.
Abeatpassedbeforeheresponded.I’dsurprisedhimagain.Twiceinoneday—thathadtobearecord.“Ididtoo.”
Wedidn’tspeakagainafterthat.13JOSH
Juleswasabsentagainatdinner,butsinceIdidn’twanttoinviteanyfurtherquestionsfromAlexaboutwhyIwassoconcernedaboutJules—whichIwasn’t;Iwasmerelycurious—IwaiteduntilwereturnedtoourcabinbeforegrillingAva.
“What’swrongwithJR?”Ikeptmyvoicelow.
Alexhaddisappearedintotheirbathroomforashower,butIwouldn’tbesurprisedifhehadsupersonichearing.
Avachewedonherlowerlip
“Ava.”Ipinnedherwithasternstare.“Ifshe’sgoingtodieonmeinthemiddleofthenight,IneedtoknowsoIcanplanmysleepaccordingly.”
“Funny.”Sheglancedatthecloseddoor.“Okay,I’monlytellingyoubecauseyou’readoctor.Also,becauseitgotworsethisafternoonbutshe’stoostubborntoaskforhelp.”
Myearlierseedofworryblossomedintoafullfuckingtree,leavesandall.“Whatgotworse?”
Mysisterhesitatedbeforesaying,“Juleshasreally…painfulperiods.Beyondregularcramps.Thepainusuallygoesawayafteradayorso,butduringthatday…”
“It’sunbearable,”Ifinished.Ahardknotformedinmychest.“Endometriosis?”
Mostwomenexperiencedprimarydysmenorrhea,orcommonmenstrualcramps.Secondarydysmenorrhea,suchasendometriosis,wastheresultofreproductiveorganissuesandwasusuallyfarmoreexcruciating.
Avashookherhead.“Idon’tthinkso,butIdon’twanttospeakforJules.Shedoesn’tliketalkingaboutit.”
“Understood.”
Therewasasocietalstigmaregardingperiods,andalotofpeople,menandwomenalike,wereuncomfortablediscussingthem.
Afteryearsofmedschoolandresidency,Ihadnoproblemdiscussinganybodilyfunction,butIwouldn’tbringsomethingupiftheotherpersondidn’twanttotalkaboutit.
“Layofftheinsultstonight,allright?”Avagavemeapointedstare.“She’snotinthemood.”
“I’mnotamonster,littlesis.”Iruffledherhair,earningmyselfascowl.“Don’tworry.”
AfterAvaturnedinforthenight,IstoppedoutsidemyroomandrappedmyknucklesagainstthedoorincaseJuleswasindecent.Noanswer.
IwaitedanotherbeatbeforeIopenedthedoorwithaquietcreak.Thelampwason,andIimmediatelyzeroedinonJules’scurled-upform.Shelayinafetalpositiononherside,huggingapillowtoherstomach.Icouldn’tseeherface,butIsawherstiffenatmyentrance.
Stillawake.
“Hey,”Isaidsoftly.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Fine.Justastomachache,”shemumbled.
Iclosedthedistancebetweenusuntilwewerefacetoface,andmychestpinchedagainwhenInoticedhershallowbreathsandthewhite-knuckledgripstranglingherpillow.
“Didyoutakeanyibuprofen?Ihavesome.”Ialwayscarriedaminifirstaidkitwithbandages,painkillers,andotheressentials.
“Yep.”Julespeeredupatmewithascrunchedbrow.“Avatoldyou,didn’tshe?”
“Yeah.”Therewasnopointinlying.
Shegroaned.“Ishould’vetoldhernottosayanything.”
“PrettysureIwould’venoticedsomethingwaswrongwhenIsawyoucurleduplikeadeformedshrimp.”
Itdidn’tcountasaninsultifIwastryingtomakeherfeelbetter.Itgavehertheperfectopportunitytosnarkback,andarguingwithmealwaysperkedherup.
Mysmilefadedwhenshedidn’trespond.
Okay,maybethedeformedshrimpcommentwasn’tashelpfulasIthought.
ShouldItrytohelpher,orshouldIleaveheralone?Therewasn’tafoolproofmethodforalleviatingseverecramps,andshe’dalreadytakenibuprofen,buttherewereotherremediesthatmighthelp.
Thequestionwaswhetherornotshewantedmyhelp.
ImadeupmymindwhenJuleswincedandclutchedherpillowclosertoherabdomen,herfacescrewedwithpain.
Fuckit.Iwashelpingherwhethershelikeditornot.Itwasn’tlikeIcouldsleepnexttoherknowingshewasinagony.Iwasn’tthatmuchofanasshole.
Iwalkedintothebathroomandscannedtheamenitieslineduponthemarblecounter.Whenwedroppedoffourluggage,Icould’veswornIsaw—aha.IpickedupthetinybottleoflavenderoilandreturnedtoJules’sside.
“Imightbeabletohelpwiththecramps,”Isaid.“Turnover.”
“Why?”
“Trustme.”Iheldupmyfreehandwhensheopenedhermouth.“Yes,Iknow.Youdon’ttrustme.ButIamatrainedmedicalprofessional,andIpromiseIdon’thavenefariousintentions.Sounlessyouwanttotossandturnallnight…”
“Trainedmedicalprofessional,yetyourbedsidemannercouldusemajorwork.”Nevertheless,shedidasIaskedandshiftedpositionssoshelayonherback.
“I’veneverhadanycomplaintsbefore.”Isatnexttoheronthebedandplacedthepillowtotheside.Inoddedtowardthehemofhershirt.“MayI?”
WarinessetchedontoJules’sface,butsheacquiescedwithashortnod.
Iliftedhershirt,baringherstomach,beforeIuncappedtheoilandwarmedafewdropsinmyhands.Itwasmadeforbaths,butit’dserveasamassageoilinapinch.
Isweptmypalmsoverherabdomenandrubbedgentlecirclesbeforeeasingintomoretargetedkneading.Iwasn’talicensedmassagetherapist,butI’dpickeduponthebasicsandafewtricksovertheyears.
Jules’smusclestensedatmyinitialtouch,butastheminutespassed,theygraduallyrelaxed.
“That’sit,”Imurmured.“Deepbreaths.Howdoyoufeel?”
“Better.”Hereyesflutteredshut.“You’regoodatthis.”Itcameoutequalpartsgrudgingandadmiring.
“I’mgoodateverything.”Asmileghostedmymouthatherscoff.
WefellintoacomfortablesilenceasIcontinuedmymassage.Jules’sskinwassoftandwarmbeneathmytouch,andherbreathingevenedoutintoasteadyrhythm.
Istoleaglanceatherface.Hereyeswerestillclosed,soIallowedmyselftolingeronthesweepofthedarklashesagainsthercheeks,thelushcurveofherbottomlip,andthesilkenfanofhercopperyhairsplayedoutonherpillow.Herbrowwasnolongerscrunchedwithpain,andtheknotinmychestloosened.
ItwasmyfirsttimeseeingJulessounguarded.Itwas…unnerving.IwassousedtoourbickeringI’dnevergivenmuchthoughttowhatshewaslikebehindallthefireandbrashness.
HowdoyouknowIhaven’talready?
Myfamilywasn’tbigonskiing.Wedidn’thavethemoneyforitevenifwewere.
Juleshasreally…painfulperiods.Beyondregularcramps.
I’dknownJulesforyears,yetIknewsolittleabouther.Herfamily,herhistory,hersecrets,andherdemons.Whatwasshehidingbeneaththatfieryexterior?Somethingtoldmeitwasn’tallsunshineandrainbows.
Ishiftedmyattentionbacktothetaskathandandtriedtoreigninmywanderingthoughts.“Feelbetter?”Thewordscameoutstrangelyhusky.
“Mmhmm.”Jules’sdrowsyaffirmationelicitedanothersmile.
Mygazedriftedupwardagain,andheatcurledlowinmystomachwhenIsawherstaringatmewithalazy,slumberousexpression.
Herlipspartedslightlyasoureyeslocked.Held.Burned.
Electricitychargedthepreviouslytranquilairanddancedovermyskin,whichsuddenlystretchedtootightovermybonesandthunderingheartbeat.
Jules’sbreathingturnederraticagain.NotonlycouldIhearherrapidinhalesandexhales,Icouldfeelthembeneathmyhands,andtheymatchedtheunevenrhythmofmyownbreaths.
Shelickedherlips,andGodhimselfwouldn’thavebeenabletostoptheX-ratedimagesfloodingmybrain.Thosefull,poutylipswrappedaroundtheheadofmycock,thatdelicatepinktonguelickingupanddownmylengthwhileshestaredupatmewithherbighazeleyes…
Myhandsstilledandcurledintoloosefists.TherewasnousepretendingIwasstillgivingheramassage.TheonlythingIcouldfocusonwastheerectionstrainingagainstmyzipperandhidingsaiderectionfromJules.
Itwassofuckedup.Shewasinpain,andhereIwas,hardasarock.Proofthatthebodyandmindwereincompatiblemoreoftenthannot.
ButJulesdidn’tquitelooklikeshewasinpainanymore.Instead,shewaslookingatmelike…
Don’tgothere.
“Youshouldbegoodfornow.”Iclearedmythroatofitsraspbeforespeakingagain.“I’llbringoutawarmcompresssoyoucanuseitthroughthenight.”
Istoodandwalkedintothebathroombeforeshecouldrespond,anglingmybodysoshecouldn’tseetheseverelyill-timedtentinmypants.BythetimeIcamebackoutwiththetowelcompress,Juleswasalreadyfastasleep.
Reliefanddisappointmentcoursedthroughmeinequalmeasure.
Iplacedthefoldedtowelgentlyonherstomachandmovedherhandsontopofittopreventitfromslidingoff.Ipulledthecomforterup,turnedoffthelamp,andsteppedintothebathroomonceagain,whereIturnedthewateronfullblastandletitpoundthetensionoutofmymuscles.
Irubbedmyhandsovermyface,tryingtomakesenseoftheeventsofthepastfourteenhours.
Thatmorning,JulesandIhadtradedinsultslikenormal,butoverthecourseoftheday,I’dwillinglytaughtherhowtoski,worriedoverherwell-being,andgivenherafuckingaromatherapymassage.Nottomention,Iwasstillharderthanasteelpipe.
Whatthehellishappeningtome?
Insteadofgivingintotheurgetotakecareofmysituationdownstairs,Ifinishedmyshowerandchangedintosweatpants.
Icouldn’tjerkofftoJules,notwhenshewassleepingintheotherroomandIdidn’tevenlikeher.Thenagain,lustandlikeweren’talwaysapackagedeal.
Iclimbedintobed,makingsuretostayasfarawayfromherasIcould,andtriedtofallasleep,butmydamnbrainwouldn’tshutoff.
Jules.Alex.Michael’sletters.Jules.Myfuckingerectionthatwon’tfuckinggoaway.Jules.
Mycockpulsedharder,andalowgroanroseinmythroat.
Thiswasgoingtobealongnight.14JULES
Iwokeuptothefaintscentoflavenderandtheheavyweightofamuscledarmdrapedovermywaist.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeIwokeupwithaguyinmybed.Iusuallydidn’tdosleepovers.
Thearmwasnice,though.Strong,solid,andcomforting,likeitcouldprotectmefromanything,anditbelongedtosomeonewhosmelledamazing.
Iissuedasoftsighofcontentmentandsnuggledclosertotheownerofthearm.Ikeptmyeyesclosed.Iwasn’tquitereadytoleavemycomfynestandfacerealityyet.
Thearmtightenedaroundmywaistandpulledmeclosertohimuntilmybackpressedflushagainsthistorso.Mylipscurvedoftheirownaccordwhenheletoutadrowsymasculinerumbleandburiedhisfaceinmyneck.Meanwhile,heatbloomedlowinmystomachatthewaythehard,sculptedlinesofhisbodymoldedagainstmysofterones.
Whowashe?Didwehavesexlastnight?
Mybrainwasn’tfiringonallcylindersyet,andsiftingthroughmymemoriesofthepasttwenty-fourhoursseemedtoodauntingofataskthisearlyinthemorning.
Istretchedandgrazedsomethingsoftandfluffy.Icrackedoneeyeopenoutofcuriosityandspottedafoldedhandtowelonthebednexttome.
WhatwasIdoingwithatowelin—
Vermont.Roommix-up.Skilessons.Period.Josh.Massage.
Mybrainfinallywokeup,andthehighlightsfromyesterdaybombardedmeatbreakneckspeed.
Myeyesfullypoppedopen.IfJoshandIhadtosharearoom,thatmeantthearm…
“Aaaah!”Ithrewhimoffandscrambledoutofbed,bangingmyshinagainstthenightstandinmyhaste.
Oneday,Iwouldlookbackandwinceatmyundignifiedscream,butallIcouldfocusonrightnowwasthefactthatI’dsleptwithJoshChen.Onlyliterally,thankGod,butstill.
“Jesus.”Hegroanedandcoveredhiseyeswithhisforearm.Thesheetsslippeddown,revealinghisbare,muscledchest.“It’stooearlyforyourbansheeimpressions,Red.”
Mybreathspuffedoutinrapidindignation.“Youwerecuddlingme,”Iaccused.“Andyoudon’thaveashirton.”
Iforcedmyeyestostayonhisfaceinsteadofthewayhismusclesflexedwitheachmovement.Leanandpowerful,theywerethemusclesofsomeonewhohonedthemthroughsportsandtheoutdoors,notthegym.
Broadshoulders,definedpecs,asliverofhissix-packabspeekingoutfromtherumpledsheetaroundhiswaist…
Stopit.
“Youwerewarmandthere.Itwasinstinct.”Joshyawnedandstretchedhisarmsoverhishead.“It’snicetoseeyoualive,Iguess.Youwerebarelyfunctioningyesterday.”
Despitehisblasétone,hescannedmewithsharpeyes,likehewassearchingfortracesofmydiscomfortfromlastnight.
Thankfully,myperiodswereexcruciatingonlyfortwenty-fourhoursorso.Afterthat,thepainsubsidedtonormalcramps.I’ddealtwiththemsinceIwaseleven,andI’dlearnedhowtofitmyschedulearoundmyestimatedperiodstartdates.Thismonth’shadstartedfourdaysearly,though,whichwaswhyI’dbeensocaughtoffguard.
“Yes,well,youcan’tgetridofmethateasily.”SomeoftheaggravationleftmyvoicewhenIrememberedwhathedidformelastnight.Ididn’tknowwhetheritwashistechniqueorthemerefactofhavingsomeonecomfortme,sinceIusuallyhatedbeingaroundpeoplethefirstdayofmyperiod,buthismassagehadeasedmypainmorethananythingelseI’dtriedovertheyears.Hemust’vealsomadethehottowelcompressafterIpassedout.
Hedidn’thavetodoanyofthosethings,butforsomereason,hehad.
“Thankyou.”Mygratitudecameoutequalpartsgrudgingandsincere.“For…youknow.”Igesturedatmystomach
IwaitedforJoshtogloatovermythanks—thefirstI’devergivenhim—butherespondedwithasimple,“You’rewelcome.”
Silencehummedbetweenus.Ipushedalockofhairbehindmyear,suddenlyself-conscious.Iwasbloatedashellfrommyperiod,andImustlooklikeamesswithmyfaceallgroggyandmyhairmussedfromsleep.
Insteadoflookingaway,Joshstaredatmewithanintensitythatburrowedbeneathmyskinandkindledafirelowinmystomach,similartotheonethat’dburnedthroughmebeforeIfellasleeplastnight.
I’dbeenfloatingonthevergeofunconsciousness,butthecombinationofhisstronghands,warmeyes,andthereliefovermyeasedpainhadsentmyfantasiestravelingdownuntroddenpaths.Fantasiesofwhathistouchwouldfeellikeonotherpartsofmybodyandwhetherhistonguewasastalentedashishands…
Aknockstartledmeoutofmyinappropriatemusings.
JoshandItoreoureyesawayfromeachother.Thevisibletensioninhisshouldersmatchedtherigidityofmymuscles.Weweren’tdoinganythinginappropriate,butthatdidn’tstopmefromfeelinglikeakidwhosehandwascaughtinthecookiejarwhenAva’svoicefloatedthroughthethickoakdoor.
“Youguysup?Breakfastendsinhalfanhour.”
Mygazeshottotheclockonthewall.Shit.We’dsleptinlaterthanIthought.
“Yeah,”Isaid.“We’llberightout.”
JoshandIdidn’tspeakagainwhilewegotready.TherewasnowayIwasskiingtoday,soIpulledonapairofsoftyogapantsandanoversizedsweater.WhenIwasonmyperiod,mydesiretodressupplummetedtozero.
“Howareyoufeeling?”Avaaskedaswewalkedtobreakfast.
“Muchbetter.”Thankstoyourbrother.“Thanks,babe.”
Sheloopedherarmthroughmine.“Howdoyoufeelabouthittingthespaafterbreakfastinsteadofskiing?Wehavethatgiftcardwestillneedtouse.”
Oh,thankfuckingGod.“Ava,”Isaid.“Don’ttellAlex,butyou’retherealgeniusintherelationship.”
Shelaughed.
Therestofthemorningpassedinablur,withAlexandJoshskiingandmeandAvaenjoyingthespa’smassageandfacialservices.Buteventhoughmymassagetherapistwasprofessionallytrained,shedidn’thitthespotthewayJoshhad.
“Alittletotheleft,please…totheright…justabitharder…”Itriedmybesttopinpointwhatwasoffaboutmysession.
“Likethis?”Thetherapistfollowedmyinstructionstoatee,butitstilldidn’tcomparetoJosh’stouch.“Howdoesthisfeel?”
“Great,”Imumbled,givingup.“Thankyou.”
MaybeitwastheoilJoshused.Itsmelledbetterthanthefloralonesatthespa.
BythetimeAvaandImetupwiththeguysforlunch,Iwasmoreirritatedthanrelaxedbymyconstantthoughtsofacertaindoctor.
Iwouldn’tputitpasthimtomixsomesortofsexpotionwiththemassageoilbeforeheuseditonme.ThatwastheonlyplausibleexplanationforwhyIkeptthinkingabouthim.
Therehadtobeacatchforwhyhe’dbeensonice.
“Howwasthespa?”AlexrestedhishandonthebackofAva’schairandbrushedhislipsoverhercheek.
“Itwasgreat.”Shesmiled,herfaceglowingwithsomuchloveitmademychestache.“Howwasskiing?Didyouguysdothetripleblackagain?”
“Yes,”JoshsaidatthesametimeAlexreplied,“No.Iwentsnowboarding.”
“Oh.”Ava’seyesdartedbetweenthem.“Okay.”
Awkwardasfuck.
Wesettledintosilenceasweflippedthroughourmenus.Joshsatnexttome,andeverytimeeitherofusmoved,ourlegsbrushedagainsteachother.
Signatureburger,pan-roastedsalmon…
Hispantswispedovermycalves.Isetmyjawandtriedtofocus.Pan-roastedsalmonwithfennelsalad…
Hereachedforhisglass,hisshirtsleevegrazingmyhandashedidso.
Iyankedmyarmbackandstareddeterminedlyatthelistofentrees.Pan-roastedsalmonwithfennelsalad…
Whenourserverappeared,bright-eyedandperky,I’dreadthesamedishdescriptionadozentimes.
“I’llhavethesalmon,”Imutteredaftereveryoneplacedtheirorders.“Thanks.”
Ihatedsalmon.
IglaredatJosh.Thiswasallhisfault.Ifhehadn’tdistractedme,Iwould’vebeenabletogetthroughtherestofthemenuandordersomethingIwanted.
Hiseyebrowsrose.“Backinfightingform,Isee,”hesaidwhileAlexandAvatalkedquietlyacrossfromus.“Imissedthatlookofirritationonyourface.It’slikeabalmtomysoul.”
“That’sbecauseyou’reusedtoseeingitoneveryonewhocomesintocontactwithyou.”
SlippingintoanargumentwithJoshwaslikeslippingintooldpairofjeans,comfortingandfamiliar.
Josh’scheekdimpled.“Nah.Justyou,Red.Everyoneelselovesme.”
“Iguaranteethat’snottrue.”
Myphonelitupwithanewtext.Ipickeditup,eagerforadistraction,butmybrowspulledtogetherwhenIreadthemessage.
Unknown:HeyJules
TheareacodeindicatedanOhiophonenumber.
Everythingaroundmedisappearedwhilealoudbuzzingfilledmyears.Itypedoutmyanswerwithshakingfingers.
Me:Whoisthis?
Hope,fear,andanticipationcurdledinmystomach.Maybeit’smymom…
Aneternitypassedinthetensecondsittookforthereplytopopup,butwhenitdid,Ialmostdroppedmyphoneinshock.
Unknown:It’sMax
Max.Myex-boyfriend.Howdidhegetmynumber?Whywashecontactingmenowaftersevenyearsofradiosilence?
Therewasonlyonereason,andtheprospectmadebileriseinmythroat.
Max:Weneedtotalk.
Ishovedmyphoneinmybag.Coldsweatslickedmypalms,andIwipedthemagainstmythighsinanattempttogathermyself.
“Hey.”
MyheadjerkedupatthesoundofJosh’svoice.
Heleanedforward,hisbrowpuckeredwithwhatwould’vepassedforconcernhaditbeenanyoneelse.
“Whowasthat?Youlooklikeyou’vejustseenaghost.”Hiseyesflittedtomybag,wheremyphoneburnedaholethroughtheleather.
Iwasn’tansweringMax.Ididn’tknowwhattosay,andIdidn’twanttoknowwhathehadtosay.MaybeifIignoredhim,he’ddisappearforanothersevenyears.
Forgetdiamonds;denialwasagirl’sbestfriend.
“Noone.Justspam,”Ilied.
Joshdidn’tbringuptheissueagain,buttheweightofhisstarepresseddownonmefortherestofthemeal.
Iliftedaforkfulofsalmontomymouthandchewed.Ittastedlikecardboard.
IbetMaxstillhadthetape.He’dbeensittingonitforyears.Whatifhedecideditwasfinallytimeforhimtocashinontheblackmailmaterial?WhatifIcouldn’tmeethisdemands?
Ifhereleasedthetape,itwouldruinmycareerbeforeitbegan.EverythingI’dworkedsohardfor,downthedraininaninstant.
Mystomachached,anditwasn’tjustfrommycramps.
I’mgoingtobesick.
Ishovedmychairbackandrantothebathroom,ignoringmyfriends’startledglances.Imadeitintoastalljustintimeformylunchtoreappear.EvenafterIthrewupeverythingIate,Idryheaveduntilmythroatwasraw.
IthoughtI’descapedmypast,butattheendoftheday,ourdemonsalwayscaughtupwithus.15JULES
Maxdidn’tcontactmeagainafterhisinitialtexts.Iwastheonewho’dignoredhimfirst,buthissilencefestereduntilIwasamessofanxietybythetimeIboardedmyflightbacktoD.C.
I’dusedmyperiodasanexcuseforwhyIranoutoflunchsosuddenly,andnoonequestionedit,thoughJosh’sskepticismhadbeensothickitwastangible.I’dignoredit;Ihadbiggerissuestoworryaboutthanwhateverhethoughtofme.
Itappedmypenagainstmydeskandstaredatthescreenbeforeme.IwasfinallyworkingonLHAC’smainflooraftermydeskarrivedyesterday,andIcouldheartheshufflingofpapersfromEllie’sdeskbehindme,thefaintflushofthetoiletfromthebathroomdownthehall,andthejangleofthebellsabovethefrontdooreverytimeitopened.Itwasmorechaoticthanworkingaloneinthekitchen,butIthrivedwithbackgroundnoise.
Unless,ofcourse,Iwasdistractedbyotherthings.
Myeyesstrayedtomyphone.Itsatdarkandsilentnexttomymugofpens,butthatdidn’tstopmefromholdingmybreathlikeitwasgoingtolightupwithanewmessagefromMaxanyminute
Ishouldjustcallhimandgetitoverwith,butIcouldn’tbringmyselftoleavemycycleofhalfmiserable,halfblissfulignorance.
Focus.
Itookadeepbreathandstraightenedmyshoulders.I’djuststartedtypingagainwhenElliesquealedbehindme.
“Josh!Ididn’tknowyouwerecomingintoday.”
“Hey,El.”Josh’sdeep,flirtatiousdrawlraisedmyhackles.“Newhaircut?”
Surprisedflatteryfilledhergiggle.“Yep.Ican’tbelieveyounoticed.”
Mygrimacereflectedbackatmefrommycomputerscreen.Elliewassweet,buthercrushonJoshwassoobviousitwaspainful.
“Itlooksgood,”Joshsaid.“Shorthairsuitsyou.”
“Thankyou.”Anothergiggle.
Itypedfaster,theclick-clackofmykeyboardadoptingafurioustempoasthesoundoffootstepsneared.Theystoppednexttome.
Clack.Clack.Clack—
“Jules.”
IwaitedseveralbeatsbeforeIliftedmyheadtomeetJosh’seyes.ThefirstthingInoticedwerehisscrubs.Itwasmyfirsttimeseeinghiminhisdoctor’sclothes,sinceheusuallychangedoutofthembeforearrivingattheclinic.Theblueuniformwastooshapelesstobeobjectivelyflattering,andyet…
Somethinginmycheststumbled.
Ohno.Ohno,no,no.
Mystomachknottedwithhorror.Icouldn’tpossiblyfeel…attractiontowardJoshChen.Nothere,inD.C.IcouldchalkupmymomentarylossofgoodjudgmentinVermonttothemountainair,buthereIhadnoexcuse.
Anybutterflies,flutters,andskippedheartbeatswereunacceptable.Unthinkable.Downrightdisgusting.
“Iseeyourdeskhasarrived.”Josh’sgazeflittedfrommyfacetomyfavoritefluffypinkpen.Ahintofasmilefilledthecornersofhismouth.“Lookslikewe’reneighbors.Luckyyou.”
Heangledhisheadtowardthedeskacrosstheaislefrommine.I’dwonderedwhoitbelongedto,sinceitssparsedecorationsprovidednoclueastoitsowner’sidentity.
“I’mthrilled,”Isaidflatly.Ileanedbackinmychairandnarrowedmyeyes.“Ididn’trealizevolunteershadtheirowndesks.”
“Theydon’t.OnlyIdo.”Hisvoicetookonafamiliarcockylilt.“I’mbelovedaroundhere,Red.”
Sadly,itwastrue.Therestoftheclinicstafffawnedoverhimlikehewasthesecondcomingofthemessiah.Itwasenoughtomakeagirlwanttohurl.
“Ican’timaginewhy.”Keeptothetruce.“Well,aslovelyasthisconversationis,Ihavetogetbacktowork.Lotstodo,”Ichirpedwithfalsepep.
Josh’seyesglintedwithamusement.“Ofcourse.”
Hesettledinathisdesk,andwedidn’tspeakagainfortherestoftheafternoon.
Bythetimetheclocktickedtowardfive,Iwasbleary-eyedfromstaringatthescreensolong,andmywristsachedfromtyping.Imight’vebeenalittleaggressivewithmykeyboard,butitwasagoodreleaseformypent-uptension.
“Whataday.”Ellieyawned.“Icoulduseadrink.Anyoneelsedown?TheBlackFoxhasagreathappyhourspecial.”
TheBlackFoxwasthebaracrossthestreetandapopularwateringholeforhospitalstaff.
“Iam.”Marshallwasthepictureofeagerness.LikeEllie,hewasafull-timeresearchassociate,andifEllie’sinterestinJoshwasaflashingneonsign,Marshall’sinterestinElliewasafull-blownbillboardcompletewithfloodlightsandten-foot-highlettersspellingoutILOVEELLIE.“Imean,I’llgowithyou.”
“Great,”Elliesaid.“Josh?”
“Sure.I’llneverturndownacheapdrink.”Hisdimplemadeaquickappearance.“Youin,Red?”
Ihesitated.Ihadtostudyforfinalsandpackformyupcomingmove,butIcoulduseade-stresser.“Sure,whynot?”
Nooneelseatthecliniccouldjoinus,sohalfanhourlater,itwasjustthefourofuswhocrowdedaroundatableatTheBlackFox,nursingwatereddownbutinsanelycheapdrinks.
“Iproposeweplayagame.”Elliewastechnicallyspeakingtothewholetable,buthereyeswerefixedonJosh.
Hislipsquirked.“Whatkindofgame?”
Hesatbesideme,onearmdrapedoverthebackofthechairnexttohimwhilehisotherhandheldahalf-emptyglassofCokeandwhiskey.He’dchangedoutofhisscrubs,andhispose,combinedwithhistousleddarkhairandnewoutfit—navybluecashmeresweaterwiththesleevespushedup,watchglintingonhiswrist—madehimlooklikehewasposingforamen’sfashionmagazine.
Idrainedtherestofmydrinkinanattempttodousetheheatbloominginmystomach.
“TruthorDare,”Elliedecided.
“El,Idon’tknowifthat’sagoodidea.”Marshallshiftedinhisseat.“Weworktogether.It’sinappropriate.”
Isuppressedawince.MarshallwasonlyafewyearsolderthanEllie,butlecturingsomeoneonproprietyinthemiddleofhappyhourwasn’tthebestwaytosparkagirl’sinterest.
“It’sjustus.It’snotlikeLisa’shere.”Elliewavedadismissivehandintheair.“So?Whatdoyouthink?”
Joshliftedhisglasstohislips,hiseyesdancingwithamusement.“Let’sdoit.”
“Great.”Shebeamedandturnedtome.“Jules?”
“Sure.”Innormaltimes,Iwould’vebeentheonewhosuggestedagamefirst,butallmyworryingoverthepastweekhaddrainedmeofenergyandthebestIcoulddowasgowiththeflow.
“Marshall?”Ellienudgedhim,causinghischeekstoflushred.
“Okay.”Hesoundedresigned.
Tonoone’ssurprise,ElliechoseJoshforthefirstround.“TruthorDare?”sheasked.
“Truth.”
Huh.Itampeddownmysurprise.I’dexpectedhimtochooseDare.
Ellieleanedforwardsohehadanunimpededviewofhercleavage.She’dtossedherblazerlongago,andherbreastspracticallyspilledoutofhertanktop.
IglancedatJosh,whosegazeremainedfixedonEllie’sface.Hisexpressiondidn’tsomuchasflicker.
Thesamecouldn’tbesaidforMarshall,wholookedlikehewasabouttoburstintoflames.
“Areyouinterestedinanyoneattheclinic?”Ellieasked.
Subtle.
Josh’seyebrowswingedupward.“Avolunteerorstaffmember?”
Ishiftedinmyseat,andthevinylreleasedanembarrassingsqueakwhenmythighsunstuckfromthematerial.Joshflickedhiseyesinmydirection,hisamusementvisiblydeepening.Iliftedmychindefiantlyinreply.
“Eitheror,”Elliesaid,bringinghisattentionbacktoher.“Butlet’ssayit’sastaffmember.”
“I’minterestedineveryoneattheclinic,”Joshsaid.“You’reallgreat.”
Shedeflated,obviouslyrealizingsheshould’vebeenmorespecific.
“Jules.”Joshshiftedhisgazetome,andIstraightenedinanticipation.“TruthorDare?”
“Dare.”Iansweredwithouthesitation.
Aslowsmilespreadacrosshisface.“Idareyoutokisssomeoneatthistableforthirtyseconds.”
Irecognizedthesatisfiedgleaminhiseyes;heexpectedmetobackdown.
Toobadforhim,I’dneverbackeddownfromadareinmylife.
IkeptmygazefixedonhisasIleanedforward,closingthedistancebetweenusinchbyagonizinginchuntilhissmileslippedandheatflaredinhiseyes.
IwaiteduntilourfaceswereonlyinchesapartbeforeIswervedabruptlyandkissedastartledMarshallinstead.
“Mmmphng,”hesqueaked.
“Youokaywiththis?”Iwhisperedagainsthislips.
“Mmmphng,”herepeated,higherpitchedthistime.Hedidn’tmoveaway,soItookthatasayes.
IguidedhimthroughthekissandletitlingerfortherequisitethirtysecondsbeforeIpulledback.Aself-satisfiedsmilebloomedonmymouthatthereactionsaroundme.Ellie’sjawgrazedthetablewhileJoshstaredatme,hisamusementfromearlierlockedawaybehindastone-facedmask.Marshall,meanwhile,satfrozeninhischairwithglassyeyesandhismouthagape.
“Sorryforspringingthatonyou,”Isaid.“Butyou’reagreatkisser.A-plus.”
“N-n-noproblem,”hestuttered.“I,um,I…”HiseyesdartedtowardEllie,whoeyedhimwithasmidgemoreinterestthanbefore.
Ihidasmile.Thebestwaytosparkawoman’sinterestwastointroducealittlecompetition.“Ibelievethatwasthirtyseconds?”
IdirectedmyquestionatJosh,whorespondedwithacool,“Morethanthirty.Youmust’vebeenreallyintoit.”
“LikeIsaid…”Itoyedwithmynow-emptyglass.“Marshall’sagreatkisser.”
“I’lltakeyourwordforit.”HeflickedhiseyestowardMarshall.“Marshall,myman.Yourturn.”
WeplayedanotherthreeroundsbeforeElliereluctantlyexcusedherself,citinganearlyflighttomorrow.Apparently,itwashergrandmother’seighty-fifthbirthday,soshewasflyinghometoMilwaukeeforthecelebration.
SheeyedJoshlikeshewantedhimtoleavewithher,buthemerelywishedheragoodnightandasafeflighthome.Marshall,ofcourse,offeredtosplitanUberwithhersincetheyhadtogointhesamedirection.
Andthenthereweretwo.
“Elliehasacrushonyou,”Isaidafterourcoworkersleft.Istolethelastfryfromthebasketandpoppeditinmymouth.Iwasn’tbreakinggirlcodebecauseIwasonehundredpercentsureJoshknew.Hell,hewassoarrogantheprobablythoughteverystraightwomancrushedonhimevenwhentheydidn’t
Hislipscurved.“I’maware.”
“Youinterested?”
“Youcare?”
IchewedslowlyandswallowedbeforeIrespondedwithadeliberate,“Notevenalittlebit.”
Animositycrackledbetweenus,maskingsomethingelsebeneaththesurface.
“Ofcourseyoudon’t,”Joshsaidsoftly.Hefinishedhisdrinkwithouttakinghiseyesoffme.“NiceshowyouputonwithMarshallearlier.”
“Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“Don’tplaydumb.It’sunbecoming.”
“I’mnot.YouthinkIwouldn’thavekissedMarshallofmyownaccord,justbecausehedoesn’thaveaperfectfaceandsix-packabs?”IshotJoshapointedstare.“Looksaren’teverything.AtleastMarshallissweet.”
Hissmiletookonahardslant.“Youdon’twantorneedsweet,Red.Itwouldboreyoutodeath.”
“Oh,really?”Myvoicedrippedwithpoisonoushoney.“Thenplease,praytell,whatdoIwantandneed?Sinceyouknowmesowell.”
Joshleanedforwarduntilhismouthhoverednearmyear,anditwasallIcoulddonottopullback.MyheartrumbledsoloudinmychestIwould’vemissedhisreplyhadhisvoicenotpouredintomelikedarksilk,dangerousyetseductive.
“Youwantsomeonewhocanchallengeyou.Exciteyou.Keepyouonyourtoes.Andasforwhatyouneed…”Hiswhiskey-scentedbreathgustedacrossmyskin,pepperingitwithathousandgoosebumps.“Youneedsomeonetobendyouoverandfuckthatattituderightoutofyou.”
Myreactionwasinstantaneous.
Mynipplespebbledintohard,painfulpoints,andarushofhotmoisturesoakedmypanties.Everygustofairagainstmysensitizedskinaddedtotheneedpulsinglowinmybelly.
“YouthinkMarshallcandothat?”Josh’svoicewrappedaroundmelikeavelvetembrace.“Fuckyouthewayyouneed?”
“Andyoucan?”Imanaged.Oxygen.Ineededoxygen.“Keepdreaming.”
“Iwasn’toffering.”Josh’shandgrazedmykneeforamillisecond,justlongenoughtosetmybodyaflame.“Butit’snicetoknowthat’swhereyourmindwent.”
Iwassavedfromhavingtoformulateawittyresponseinmycurrentlightheadedstatewhensomeonecutintoourconversation.
“Jules?”
Theunfamiliarvoicehadthesameeffectasabucketofcoldwater.
Ijerkedback,heartpounding,whileJoshtookhistimeresettlinginhisseatwithadark,satisfiedsmile.
Thatfuckingbastard.
Afterourinterloperleft,Iwouldpayhimback.Somehow.
Inthemeantime,Ihadsomeoneelsetodealwith.
Myeyesfellonthepreppy,somewhatfamiliar-lookingguywho’dinterruptedus.HeworetheunofficialD.C.men’suniformofablue-and-whiteginghamshirtandkhakis,andhe’dslickedbackhishairinawaythatdidnothingforhisfeatures.
Hefixedmewithanexpectantstare,whichIreturnedwithablankoneofmyownuntilmymemorypiecesslottedintoplaceandrecognitiondawned.
ItwasTodd…theguywho’dstoodmeupweeksago.16JOSH
I’dmetmyfairshareofdouchebags,butIcouldsaywithutmostconfidencetheguystandingbeforemewasthedouchiestofthemall.
Maybeitwashisoilysmileandthewayheslickedbackhishair,likehewasasmarmypoliticianrunningforoffice.OrmaybeitwasthewayheleeredatJules,likeshewasajuicysteakandhehadn’teatenindays.
IrrationalloathingreplacedmyearliersatisfactionatsuccessfullyworkingJulesup.
Youneedsomeonetobendyouoverandfuckthatattituderightoutofyou.
Whiskeyhadloosenedmytongue,andJulesandMarshall’skisshadgivenmethefinalpushtosaywhatI’dbeenthinking.Tosaywhatwe’dbothbeenthinkingsinceVermont.
Julescouldhissandsnarlallshewanted,butshecouldn’thideherdesire.ShewantedmeasmuchasIwantedher,andwebothhatedourselvesforit.
“Todd.”Julespackedagallonofdisdainintooneword.
Mymouthtickedupintoaninvoluntarysmilebeforeitflattenedagain.
Sheknewthisguy?
“Ithoughtthatwasyou,butIwasn’tsure.Youlookevenbetterinperson,”hetoldherchest.
Myjawtightened.Iappreciatedbreastsasmuchasthenextguy,butthatwasjustdamnrude.Hehadn’tlookedherintheeyesincehearrived.
Partofmewasgratefulfortheinterruption,whichcamerightasIwasabouttodosomethingIwouldregret.Another,darkerpartofmewantedtogougehiseyesoutforlookingatherthatway.
Irolledmyglassbetweenmyfingers,disturbedbymyviolent,unwantedthoughts.Wherethehellhadtheycomefrom?SincewhendidIcarewhetherothermenlookedatJules?
Idon’t.Toddhasapunchableface.That’sall.
“Youdon’t.”Jules’svoiceoozedenoughsweetvenomtofellanelephant.“Iguesspicturescanbedeceiving.”
Thistime,Icouldn’tholdbackagrindespitemyirritation.
Shewassavage.Ifuckinglovedit.
IfToddwasoffended,hedidn’tshowit.Iwasn’tevensureheheardher;hewastoobusyoglingherbreasts,whichstrainedagainstthebuttonsofhershirt.
“I’msorryaboutourdatetheotherday,”hesaid,andjustlikethat,mygrindisappearedagain.“Mycarbrokedownandmyphonedied.Itextedyouafewtimesafter,butyouneverresponded.”
IpiecedtogetherthepuzzlebeforeJulesresponded.Thiswastheguywho’dstoodherupatTheBronzeGear?
Jesus.Ithoughtshehadbettertastethanthat.
“Ifbytheotherday,youmeanalmostamonthago,thenapologynotaccepted,”Julessaidcoolly.“Youalsonevertextedme,butit’sokay.IsufferedamassivelapseinjudgmentwhenIswipedrightonyou.I’mbacktonormalnow,soyoucanrunalong.”Sheshooedhimawaywithawaveofherhand.“Also,myfaceisuphere,asshole.”
Todd’sfaceflushedanangryshadeofpurple.“IwastryingtobenicebecauseIfeltbadaboutwhathappened.Youdon’thavetobesuchabitchaboutit.”
Alowgrowlroseinmythroat.
Iopenedmymouth,butJulesbeatmetoit.“AsfarasIcantell,you’retheonlyonebitchinghere.I’mjustenjoyingmydrink.”Shearchedonebrow.“Keepbotheringme,andI’llhavesecuritythrowyououtonyourassforharassment.Soifyoudon’twanttobehumiliatedinfrontofallthesepeople…”Shegesturedatthecrowdaroundus.“Isuggestyoutakemyearlieradviceandleave.Immediately.”
Todd’slipsthinned,buthewassmartenoughnottotestthevalidityofJules’sthreat.
“Don’tsayaword,”JulessaidafterToddstormedoff.Shetossedbacktherestofhercocktailwithoutlookingatme.
Iraisedmyhandsinsurrender.ThecoiledtensioninmymuscleseasedwithTodd’sdeparture,thoughtracesofaggravationsimmeredinmyveins.“Notapeep.”Afteralongpause,Iadded,“Youswipedrightonthatguy?”
Pinktintedhercheeks.“I’mbusywithlawschool,”shesnapped.“Myoptionsarelimited,andIhaveneeds,so…”
“Youloweredyourstandardstohell?”
“Perhaps,butatleastIhaven’treachedyouyet,”shesaidsweetly.“Speakingofwhich,Ihaven’tseenyouwithanyonelately.Whathappened,Joshy?Ranoutofwomenwho’llfallforyourbullshit?”
“It’sachoice,Red.IcangetanygirlIwantatanytime.”
“False.Youcan’tgetme.”
“Ihaven’ttried.”
Westaredateachother,ourimpliedchallengehangingthickintheair.
IfItried…wouldshesuccumbtowhathereyestoldmeshewanted?WouldsheletmebendheroverandtakeherlikeI’dsaidearlier,orwouldshefightmeforcontroleverystepoftheway?
Mylipscurved.
SomethingtoldmeIalreadyknewtheanswer.Julesnevermadethingseasy.ItwasoneofthethingsIsecretlylikedabouther.
“You’reanarrogantass.”Calculationenteredhereyes.“Sinceyou’resoconfidentinyourabilitieswithwomen,let’splayanothergame.”
Intriguebloomed.“Whatkindofgame?”
“It’ssimple.Weseewhichoneofuscangetthemostphonenumbersinanhour.”Julescockedherhead,herhairspillinginwavesofcopperysilkoverhershoulder.“Winnergetsbraggingrights.”
Itmightseemlowstakestoanoutsideobserver,butbraggingrightsforusheldthesamecachetasaRolexorLamborghini.Maybemore.
Nothingmatteredmorethanourpride
“Deal.”Cockinessfilledmysmile.Juleswasgood,butIwasgoingtowin
Ialwaysdid.
“Good.”Sheglancedatthegiantclockhangingonthewall.“Wereconveneattentoseven.”
Iwasgonebythetimeshefinishedhersentence.I’dbeenscanningtheroomsinceshebroughtupthegamerules,formulatingaplan,soIdidn’thesitateinbeeliningtowardagroupoftwenty-somethingwomeninthecorner.
Luckyforme,thebar’sfemaletomaleratiowasabouttwotoone,givingmetheupperhandevenifIstayedawayfromwomenwhowerewiththeirsignificantother.
Ikeptmyconversationsbriefandflirtatious.IneverpromisedmorethanIcouldgive,andImadethewomenItalkedtofeelgoodenoughtheyhadnoqualmsaboutpartingwiththeirnumbersafteronlyafewminutes.IsuspectedafewknewIwasuptosomething,consideringhowquicklyIwasmovingthroughthecrowd,butthatdidn’tstopthemfromflirtingback.
Bythetimesix-thirtyrolledaround,I’dsecuredwelloveradozennumbers.Ishould’vebeenthrilled,butsuspiciontrickledthroughmewhenInoticedJuleshadn’tmovedfromherseat.Shesippedherdrink,herfacesereneasshewatchedmeworktheroom.
Whatwassheupto?
Unabletotakeitanymore,IendedmyconversationwiththewomanIwascurrentlytalkingtoandstalkedovertoJules.Iplantedmyhandsonthewoodentabletopandnarrowedmyeyes.“Okay,what’syourgame?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”Julesasked,innocentasanewbornlamb.
“Wehave…”Icheckedthetimeagain.“…tenminutesleftandyouhaven’teventriedtotalktoaguy.Don’ttellmeyou’rebankingonthemapproachingyoufirst.”
Afewhad,butJuleswasn’tthepassivetype.Shelikedtogoingunsblazing,nomatterthesituation.
“I’mnot.”
“Forfeiting,then?Ifyou’rescaredoflosing,justsayso.Noneedtogothroughthiswholesonganddance.”
“Oh,I’mnotforfeiting.”Julesfinallysetherdrinkdownandunfoldedherselffromherchair.Sheslippedoutofherjacket,hermovementslikehoneyglidingagainstthegentlecurvesofaglassbottle.
Slow,smooth,sensual.
Fuckinghell.
Mythroatdriedatthesightbeforeme.
Julesworeastandardprofessionaluniform—awhitebutton-downshirttuckedintoagrayskirt,blackheels,andadiscreetgoldnecklacethatpeekedoutfrombeneathhercollar.Butwithherbodyandconfidence,shemightaswellhavebeenwearingtheworld’ssexiestlacelingerie.
NomatterhowhardItried,Icouldn’tstopmyeyesfromdevouringherflashofcleavageandthewayheroutfithuggedheramplecurves.Hervoluptuousfigurewasn’ttonedandleanlikesomanyofthewomeninmygym,butitwassoft.Lush.Andentirelytooappealing.
Heatscorchedmybloodasanimageofmepushingherupagainstawall,yankingupthattightlittleskirt,andfuckingheruntilshescreamedflashedthroughmyhead.
Ishoveditasidetheminuteitpoppedup,butitwastoolate.Mycockwasalreadyhardening,andarousalthrummedlowinmygut.
Tensionhardenedmyjaw.Ihatedthisnewfoundeffectshehadonme.I’dgoneyearswithoutbeingturnedonbyher,andnow,Icouldn’tstopfantasizingabouther.Ididn’tknowwhatchanged,butitwaspissingmethefuckoff.
“I’mwinningthisbet.Watchandlearn,Chen,”JulespurredbeforesashayingovertotheDJ.
Theviewofherwalkingawaydidnothingtoeasetheacheinmygroin.
Ofallthehorriblethingsthatcouldhappentome,beingsexuallyattractedtoJulesAmbrosetoppedthelist.Noquestion.
Need,frustration,andcuriositybattledfordominanceasshesaidsomethingtotheDJ.Henodded,hisfacecreasingwithsympathy.
Aburstofsuspicionenteredthemixwhenhecutoffthemusic.Whywouldhe…
IshotupwhenIrealizedwhatshehaduphersleeve.
Shewouldn’t.Nofuckingway.
“I’msorryforinterruptingyourhappyhour,butI’llkeepthisquick.”Jules’svoicerangthroughthenowsilentbar,clearandstrongbutwithatouchofvulnerabilitythathadeveryoneleaningintohearmore.
“Longstoryshort,Ijustgotoutofalong,terriblerelationship,andmyfriend”—shegesturedtowardme,causingdozensofheadstoswivelinmydirection—“remindedmethebestwaytogetoversomeoneistogetundersomeoneelse.SoI’mlookingforarebound.”Themixofstudiedhesitationandsuggestivenessinhervoicewasenoughtodriveanyred-bloodedmalecrazy.Goddammit,shewasgood.“Ifyou’reinterestedinanostringsattachednightortwo,givemeyournumber.Thankyou.”
Straighttothepoint,evenifthepointwasafalseone.ClassicJules.
Thebarreverberatedwithstunnedsilenceforone,two,threebeatsbeforepandemoniumbrokeout.Cheersandapplauserangthroughthespacewhiledozensofmenrushedtowardher,nearlytrippingoverthemselvesintheirhastetobeher“rebound.”
Ishookmyhead,unabletoprocesswhatwashappening.IfeltlikeI’djustbeendroppedintothemiddleofafarfetchedmoviescene.Iwouldn’thavebelievedithadInotwitnesseditwithmyowneyes.
OfcoursethatwasJules’splan.ShewastheonlypersonIknewwhocouldpulloffsuchamove.
Shecaughtmyeyeoverthecrowd,herfaceglowingwithtriumph.Suckstolose,shemouthed.
Itdid.Ihatedlosing.ButIcouldn’tevenbemadbecausewhatshejustdid?Fuckinggenius.
Irubbedahandovermymouth,unabletoholdbackalaughofgrudgingadmiration.
JulesAmbrosewassomethingelse.17JULES
Thefinalscoreinourgame?SixteennumbersforJosh,twenty-sevenforme.
“Youcheated.”Despitehisdeclaration,thegleaminJosh’seyetoldmehewasmoreupsethehadn’tthoughtofmyideafirstthanbymyunconventionalstrategy.
“Can’tcheatiftherewerenorules.”Thethrillofvictoryaddedanextrabouncetomystep.
We’dleftthebaraftertallyingournumbersandwerecurrentlywalkinghomefromtheHazelburgmetrostation.MaybeitwasthealcoholorthebodyheatradiatingoffJoshashewalkedbesideme,butIwasroastinginmycoateventhoughtheearlyeveningtemperaturehoveredinthelowfifties.Ididn’tfeellikecarryingitthough,soIkeptthecoaton.
“Should’veknownyou’dfindaloophole.”Joshangledhischintowardmybag,whereI’dstuffedthedozensofnapkinswithmen’snumbersscribbledonthem.“Yougonnacallanyofthem?”
“Maybe.Couldn’tbeworsethantryingtofindsomeoneonadatingapp.”MysmiledimmedwhenIrememberedmyencounterwithTodd.Hehadsomenerve,approachingmelikethat.Thenagain,menpossessednothingifnotaudacity.
“Hmm.”
Thedisgruntledsoundsettledintomybonesandcausedmypulsetospike.WasJosh…jealous?
No.Thatwasridiculous.Tobejealous,hehadtolikeme,andwhilewe’ddevelopedagrudgingmutualrespect,wedidn’tlikeeachother.IstillwantedtopunchthecockysmirkoffhisfaceeverytimeIsawhim.
“Andyou?Areyougoingtocallanyofthenumbersyougot?”Iaskedcasually.
“Maybe,”Joshsaid.“Haven’tthoughtaboutit.”
“Hmm.”
Shit.Thesoundslippedoutwithoutthinking.NowitsoundedlikeIwasjealous.
“What’sthedealwithyoulately,anyway?”Iaddedquicklyinanattempttodrawattentionawayfrommyslipup.“Youusedtogothroughadifferentgirleveryweek,butIhaven’tseenyouwithsomeoneinmonths.”
“You’reexaggerating,andIdidn’tgothroughthem.Imademyintentionsclearfromthestart.Iwasn’tinterestedinacommittedrelationship,andtheyallknewitbeforewedidanything.”Heslidaglanceinmydirection.“Youunderstand.”
Idid.Ourapproachtosexandrelationshipswasoneofthefewthingswehadincommon.LikeJosh,I’dneverbeeninterestedinlong-termdating.Thereweretoomanygoalstoreach,toomuchoftheworldtosee,andtoomuchoflifetolivewithoutbeingtieddowntooneperson.
Besides,aftermyonlyexperiencewithaseriousrelationship,Iwasn’tinanyhurrytojumpintoanotherone.
“Youwanttoattendlawschool?”Maxgrimaced.“Why?”
“IthinkI’dmakeagoodlawyer.”Itwistedthehemofmyshirtaroundmyfinger.ItwasanewpieceI’dboughtwithmyallowancefromAlastair,mystepfather.Afteryearsofthreadbareclothing,Icouldn’tstoptouchingittomakesureitwasreal,thatIwasreallywearingadesignershirtthatcostmorethanmyoldmonthlybudgetforfood.“ItpayswellifIgointocorporatelaw,andIcanhelp—”
Aloudlaughcutmeoff.“Oh,comeon,Jules.”
“What?”Mybrowcreasedwithconfusionandatouchofhurt.
“You’resocute.”Hegavemeanindulgentsmile,likeIwasachildwhoannouncedIwouldberunningforpresident.Butlet’sbereal,babe,youdon’twanttobealawyer.”
Itwistedmyshirtharderaroundmyfinger.“I’mserious.”
“Thenbeserious.”Maxranhishandovermyshoulderandrubbedmyarmsoothinglybeforehesqueezedmybreast,hiseyestakingonafamiliarlustygleam.“You’rewaytoohottobestuckinsomemustycourtroomallday.Youshouldbeamodel.Capitalizeonthatfaceandbody.Noteveryoneisluckyenoughtobebornwithyourlooks.”
Iforcedasmile.Yes,I’dbeenblessedwithaboveaveragelooks,butIdidn’tfeellucky.Notwhenthatwastheonlythingpeoplesawwhentheylookedatme,andnotwhenmyownmotherviewedmeascompetitioninsteadoffamily.
ButmaybeMaxwasright.MaybeIwasgettingaheadofmyself.WhatmademethinkIcouldbealawyer?Ididwellinmyclasses,buttherewasadifferencebetweengettinga4.0atasmallhighschoolinOhioandsucceedingatatop-tierlawschool.
“Comeon.Enoughboringtalk.”Max’sbreathroughenedashepoppedopenthebuttonsofmyshirt.“Icanthinkofsomethingbetterwecandowithourmouths…”
Asourtastefilledmymouth.I’dbeensoyoungandnaive.Iwasn’tthesamepersonI’dbeenatseventeen,butsometimes,thewhispersfrommypastreassertedthemselves,makingmequestioneverythingI’dachievedandstrivedfor.
Max’srecenttextsdidn’thelp,either.Hewasliketheexthatwouldn’tdie.Figuratively,notliterally.
Thealcohol-inducedbuzzinmyheadgrewlouder.MaybeIshouldcallhimtoseewhathewanted.ThenIcouldputhimbehindmeonceand—
“Jules!”
Josh’spanickedshoutpiercedmyearatthesametimesquealingtiresscreechedthroughthenight.Iliftedmyhead,myeyeswideningatthesightofheadlightsbarrelingtowardme.
I’dbeensocaughtupinmythoughtsI’dwanderedintothemiddleofthestreetwithoutlooking.
Move!mybrainscreamed,butmybodywouldn’tobey.Ijuststoodthere,frozen,untilanirongripclosedaroundmyarmandyankedmebackontothesidewalkamillisecondbeforeatruckspedpast,hornblaring.
MomentumtookoverandmyfacecollidedwithJosh’schest.Itwaslikeslammingintoabrickwall.Theforceoftheaction,combinedwiththespikeofadrenalinefrommybrushwithdeath,robbedmeofwordsandbreath.AllIcoulddowasstandthere,facepressedagainstJosh’storso,whileheengulfedmeinatightembrace.
“Areyouokay?”Hisheartthunderedbeneathmycheek.
“I’mfine,”Isaidhoarsely,toostunnedtoformabetterresponse.
IraisedmyheadandgulpedwhenIsawhisexpression.Concernlinedhisbrow,buthiseyesblazedandaveinvisiblypulsedinhistemple.
“Good.”HisarmstightenedaroundmeuntilIlostmybreathalloveragain.“Nowwhatthehellwereyouthinking,walkingoutintothemiddleofthestreetlikethat?”Hislowvoicevibratedwithanger.“Youalmostgotkilled!”
“I…”Ididn’thaveagoodanswer
WhatwasIsupposedtosay?IwastoocaughtupinmemoriesofmyshittyextopayattentiontowhereIwasgoing?
Ihadafeelingthatwouldn’tfly.
God,ifMaxwasthelastpersonIthoughtofbeforeIdied,Iwouldbepissed.
“Icalledyournametwiceandyoudidn’tevenreact.”ThepaleglowfromthestreetlightsslashedacrossJosh’sface,throwinghisrazor-sharpcheekbonesandthehard,chiseledlineofhisjawintosharprelief.“Whatthefuckhappened?”
“Nothing.Ijustgotdistracted.”Technicallytrue.Still,mystomachtwistedatwhatwould’vehappenedhadJoshnotbeenthere.
“Thankyouforsavingme,thoughI’msurprisedyoudid.”Iattemptedtolightenthetensionblanketingtheair.“Ithoughtyou’dbemoreliabletopushmeintotrafficthansavemefromit.”
“That’snotfunny.”
“It’skindoffunny.”
“Not.Funny,”Joshrepeated.Hebitouteachwordlikeitwasabitterpill.“Doyouthinkdeathisfunny?Doyouthinkit’sfunformetowatchsomeonealmostdie?”
Mysmilewaned.“No,”Isaidsoftly.
Ihadafeelingweweren’ttalkingaboutmeanymore.
AsanERdoctor,heworkedcloserwithlifeanddeaththananyoneelseIknew.Icouldn’timaginethethingshesawatthehospital,thecallshehadtomakeandthepeoplehecouldn’tsave.Buthewassosarcasticandlight-heartedallthetimeI’dneverthoughtabouthowitaffectedhim.
Joshreleasedmeandsteppedback,hisexpressionlikegranite.
“I’mwalkingyouhome,”hesaidflatly.“Whoknowswhattroubleyou’llstumbleintoifIleftyoualone?”
Wewereonlytwoblocksaway,soIdidn’tbotherprotesting.Iknewwhentopickmybattles.
Wewalkedinsilencetomyhouse,whichwasdarkwhenwearrived.Stellawasprobablystillattheofficeoratanevent.Betweenthemagazineandherblog,shebasicallyworkedtwojobs.
Isteppedontotheporchandfishedmykeysoutofmybagwithashakinghand.“You’vedeliveredmehomesafeandsound.Fivestarsforservice,twostarsforconversation,”Iquipped,insertingthekeyintothelock.“I’dgiveyouonestaronthelatter,butsinceyousavedmylife,I’mbeinggenerous.”
PerhapsIshould’vebeenmoreserious,consideringJosh’smood,butwhenindoubt,Idefaultedtosarcasm.Icouldn’thelpit.
Amusclepulsedinhisjaw.“Iseverythingajoketoyou,orareyoureallythatoblivious?”hedemanded.“YougotintoThayerLaw,soIassumeyouhavesomeawarenessoftheworldaroundyou.Sostopwiththefuckingact,Red.It’saplaynoonewantstosee.”
Myspinehardenedintoiron.Irecognizedthattoneofvoice.Itwasthesametonehe’dusedwhenhetoldAvatostopbeingfriendswithme.Thesameonehealwaysusedwhenhesawmedoingsomethingheconsideredabadinfluence,likeIwasn’tgoodenoughforhimorhisfriends.
Sharp.Judgmental.Self-righteous.
Anangryflushscaldedmyface.
“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Thefrontdoorclickedopenwhileahard,defensivenotecreptintomyvoice.
“Itmeansyouactalltoughandunbotheredwhenit’sjustthat.Anact.”Joshtookasteptowardme.Atinyone,justenoughforthetipsofhisshoestokissmine.Thepointofcontactactedasachannelforhisanger,whichfunneledintomeandstokedtheembersofindignationburninginmystomach.
“Iwouldn’tcare,exceptyourrecklessnessdoesn’taffectjustyou.Italsoaffectsthepeoplearoundyou.Butyouneverthoughtaboutthat,didyou?”Dullredburnedonhischeekbones.“Youonlythinkaboutyourself.Idon’tknowwhatthefuckhappenedinyourpast,butitdoesn’ttakeageniustofigureyouout.You’reascaredlittlegirlwhochaseshighstorunfromyourdemons,nevercaringaboutthedestructionyouleaveinyourwake.ClassicfuckingJulesAmbrose.”
Deep,bone-rattlinghurtstolethebreathfrommylungsandstungmyeyes.
AnycamaraderieJoshandIdevelopedoverthepastfewweeksevaporated,incineratedintoashbythefirestormofemotionswhippingaroundus.
Itwasn’tjustabouttonight,anditwasn’tjustaboutus.Itwasaboutthepastsevenyears—everyinsult,everysneer,everyargumentandfrustrationinourlives,evenifithadnothingtodowiththeother.ItallboiledoveruntilacrimsonhazepassedbeforemyeyesandtheonlythingIcouldfocusonwashowangryIwas.
Insteadoftryingtocalmdown,Ireveledinit.
Angerwasgood.Angerpreventedmefromdwellingonthetruthbehindhisstatement,andangercoatedmywordswithvenomwhenIspokeagain.
“You’reonetotalk.”Itiltedmychinup,myeyessearingintohisendlessmidnightones.“JoshChen,thegoldenboy.Theadrenalinejunkie.Youwanttotalkaboutchasinghighs?Howaboutyouputtingyourlifeonthelineeverytimeyoupursuesomestupidlyrecklessnewactivityeventhoughyou’reAva’sonlyfamilyleft?Howaboutthefuckingmoralhighhorseyouridearoundonbecauseyou’readoctorandeverythingyoudoisforthesupposedgreatergood?”
Mynailsdugtinycrescentsinmypalms.“You’retheonewhocan’tletgoofshitthathappenedyearsago.Heliedtome,hebetrayedme.”Imimickedhisvoice.“Toughshit.That’sthewaytheworldworks.Yousurviveandgetoverit,oryougetstuckinyourownmartyrdom.YousayIhidebehindmyact?Isayyouholdontoyourgrudgebecausethat’sallyouhavelefttoholdonto.It’stheonlythingkeepingyoualive,andyoudon’tgiveadamnifithurtsthepeopleyousupposedlylove.”
Itwasalowblowtomatchalowblowuntilwewerebothinhell,caughtintheculminationofyearsofanimosityandwordswewould’veneverutteredtoanyoneexcepteachother.Liesstrippedaway,truthsuncoveredonlytobedisguisedasinsults.
Partofmewasdisgusted.Anotherpartsangwithexhilaration.
Inaworldthatexpectedpolitenessandpraisedrestraint,therewasnothingmorefreeingthanfinallylettingitallout.Noholdsbarred.
FurycarvedsavagelinesintoJosh’sface.“Fuck.You.”
“You.Wish.”
Thewhiteplumesofourbreathsmingledinthecold.Theairaroundusfellunnaturallystill,likeitwaswaitingwithbatedbreathforournextmove.
“Idon’tneedtowish,Red.”Hisvoiceturneddark.Smoky.Itslitheredpastmydefensesandkindledaheatinmylowerbellythathadbothnothingandeverythingtodowithmyanger.“Icouldfuckyourbrainsoutrightnow.Makeyoutakebackeverywordyousaidandhaveyoubeggingformorebytheendofit.”
Itwasawarning,notseduction.Anditmadethefireburnevenhotterinmyveins.
“Youknowwhattheysayaboutmenwhotalkabiggame.”Anticipationclimbedupmyspineatthedangerswirlingintheair.Wewereonestepawayfromcrossingalinewecouldn’tcomebackfrom,andIwasridinghighenoughIdidn’tcare.“They’reovercompensatingforthesmallestpackages.”
AsmileslashedacrossJosh’sface,viciousenoughitintroducedaseedoftrepidation.
“Oh,Red.You’reabouttofindoutjusthowuntruethatis,”hesaidsoftly.
HemovedsofastIdidn’tgetthechancetodrawanotherbreathbeforeheyankedmeagainsthimandcrushedhismouthagainstmine.
AndmyworldasIknewitshatteredintoamillionpieces.18JULES
Shockgluedmyfeettothefloor.I’dsuspectedthiswouldhappen,thatIwouldpushJoshpasthisbreakingpoint.I’dgoadedhimintoit,afterall.
Butnowthatitwashappening,Icouldn’tformulatearesponse.Nowords,nomovement,justutterdisbeliefanddark,disturbingheatthatracedthroughmyveinslikewildfire
Thewarmthfromearlierhaderuptedintoafull-blownvolcano,drippinglavauntileverynerveendingblazedwithsensation.Myheartthunderedwiththeforceofathousandgallopinghorses,andthepoundingspreaduntilitthrobbedineverypartofme—myhead,mythroat,thesuddenly,agonizinglysensitivespotbetweenmylegs.
Joshcurledhishandaroundthebackofmyneck,holdingmecaptivewhileheplunderedmymouth.
Hekissedthewaywefought.Hard.Rough.Explosive.
IhatedhowmuchIlovedit.
Iregainedcontrolofmylimbsandraisedmyhandstopushhimaway,buttomysurprise,Ifistedhisshirtinstead.IgatheredhandfulsofthewhitecottonandyankinghimcloseruntilwewerepressedsotightagainsteachotherIwasn’tsurewhereIendedandhebegan.
AsmallmoanescapedwhenJoshshiftedhishipsjustenoughsohishardnessrubbedagainstmycore.
“Can’tgetenoughofme,canyou?”Hismockingwhisperghostedovermylips,itssoftnessasharpcontrasttotheforcewithwhichhetuggedonmyhair.
Tearssprangtomyeyesattheflashofpain.Thethrobbinginmylowerbellyintensified.“Fuckyou,”Ihissed.
“Ialreadyknowthat’swhatyouwant,Red.”Heclosedhisteetharoundmybottomlipandtuggedhardenoughtosendanothertwinfrissonofpainandpleasurespiralingthroughmybody.“Noneedtobegforit.”
Alowgrowlroseinmythroat.Ifinallyshovedhimoffme,myheartracingandmylipsandpussythrobbinginequalmeasure.“Iwillneverbegyouforanything.”
Joshwipedhismouthwiththebackofhishand,themovementsoslowanddeliberateitbecamemoresexualthanitshould’vebeen.Aflushofarousalcoloredhishighcheekbones,andtheintensityofhisgazeashedraggeditovermyfacetowheremycoatgapedopensearedintomyflesh.
“Don’tbetoosureaboutthat.”Theembersinhiseyesburnedbrighter.“Let’smakeanotherbet,Red.IbetifIbentyouoverandyankedupthatlittleskirtofyours,I’dfindyousoakingforme.AndIbetIcouldhaveyoubeggingformycock,formetomakeyoucomesohardyou’llseefuckingstarsbeforethenightisover.”
Myteethclenchedinaggravation.Ihatedhisego,hisarrogantsmirk,hiseverything.Andyet,IwassowetIcouldfeelmyselfdrippingattheimageshisfilthywordsconjured.
“Nicetry,Joshy,ButI’mnottakingthebait.”
Itwasthecoward’swayout,butIwasonetouchawayfromdetonating,andIrefusedtogiveJoshthesatisfactionofbeingtheonetopressthebutton.
“Didn’tthinkyouwould,”hetaunted.“Scared,Jules?”
“Can’ttakeahint,Josh?”
Weglaredateachother,ourangertangibleinthecoldnightair,beforethegapbetweenusdisappearedandourmouthscrashedagainsteachotheragain.Harder,moredesperatethanthefirsttime,ourtonguesfightingfordominancewhileourhandsroamedovereveryinchofskin.
Joshpushedmethroughthehalf-opendoorandkickeditshutbehinduswithoutbreakingthekiss.
Ourfingersflewoverourclothesinafranticrushtoremovethem.
Mycoat.Hisshirt.Myskirt.Hispants.Theyallfelltothelivingroomflooruntilwewerenaked,ourskinheatedwiththehumofelectricitysurgingthroughmybloodandintheair.
“Getonyourhandsandknees.”
MyskinpebbledwithgoosebumpsatJosh’sroughcommand,butinsteadofobeying,Iliftedmychinindefiance.“Makeme.”
Thewordsbarelyleftmymouthbeforeheclosedthedistancebetweenusintwostridesandtwistedmearound.Hedrovehiskneeintothebackofmine,forcingmetotheground.Istruggledhalf-heartedly,butIwasnomatchforJosh’sstrength.
Onehandlockedmywriststogetherbehindmybackinasteelgripwhiletheotherslippedbetweenmylegsandrubbedmyswollenclit.
Thejoltofpleasurewrenchedahalfgasp,halfmoanfrommythroat.
“Whatwasthatyouweresaying?”Joshmocked.Hepushedafingerinsidemewhilekeepinghisthumbonmyclit.IwassowetIdidn’tfeelanyfrictionevenwhenhewasknucklesdeepinme.“JustlikeI’dguessed.You’refuckingsoaking.”
Myhandscurledintofists.Iwasalreadypanting,soturnedonIcouldbarelythinkstraight,andwe’dbarelystarted.
“Begforit,Red.”Hecurledhisfingerandhitmymostsensitivespot,elicitinganothermoan,beforeheslowlydraggeditoutandshoveditbackin.Hisbreathingharshened.“Begmetofuckyou.Tomakeyoucomeallovermycocklikeyousodesperatelycrave.”
“Youwish.”Mynailsdugintomypalms.“Myvibratordoesabetterjobthanyou.Onitslowestspeed.”
Joshletoutasoftlaugh.“Youhavetomakethingsdifficult.”Hereleasedmywristsandfistedmyhair,jerkingmyheadbackuntilhismouthhoverednearmyear.“ButIloveagoodfight.”
Myresponsediedonmytonguewhenhethrustanotherfingerinsideme.In,out,in,out,fasterandfasteruntilthetelltaletinglesofanimpendingorgasmgatheredatthebaseofmyspine.Hereachedaroundandpinchedmynipple,andafull-bodyshudderrolledthroughmerightasthe—
Heyankedhishandsaway.
No!
Mybodyslumpedforwardonallfourswithouthissupport,andIletoutasmallscreamoffrustrationattheruinedorgasm.Itwistedmyheadaroundtoglareathim.“Youfuckingbastard.”
MyonlysolacewasthatIwasn’ttheonlyonesuffering.Josh’schestheavedwithdeep,raggedbreaths,andhiscockjuttedstraightup,soharditlookedpainful.Abladeofmoonlightslicedthroughthewindowsandcastsharpshadowsacrosshisface,highlightingthestonysetofhisjawandtheblazeoflustinhiseyes.
“Youknowwhattodoifyouwanttocome.”Hismouthcurvedashepushedmylegsfurtherapart.“Lookatyou.You’reamess.”
Ididn’thavetoseemyselftoknowhewasright.Wetnessslickedmythighs,andeverybrushofairagainstmybarepussytriggeredanotherneedyshudder.
Still,Iclungontoenoughofmyrationalbraintotwistthesituationbackonhim.
Twocouldplayhismindgames.
“Scaredyoucan’tliveuptoyourpromise,Chen?”Ipurred.“Whathappenedtofuckingtheattitudeoutofme?Youtalkabiggame,butitlookslikeyou’relackinginfollow-through.”Idroppedapointedglancetohisarousal.
Despitemytaunt,mycoreclenchedatthesightbeforeme.
Josh’sbodycouldserveasthemoldforaGreekgodstatue.Broadshoulders,perfectlycarvedabs,sculptedarms…andalong,thickcockthatlookedlikeitcouldwreckmewithlittleeffort
Fuck.Mymouthdried.
Heleanedforwardand,withouttakinghiseyesoffmine,slowlywrappedonehandaroundmythroat.Hesqueezedhardenoughtocutoffmybreathforseveralbeatsbeforeheloosenedhisgrip.Igaspedinalungfulofair,myheadswimmingfromthebriefdeprivationofoxygen.
“Oneofthesedays,”hesaid.“Thatmouthofyoursisgoingtogetyouintotrouble.”
Ididn’tgetachancetorespondbeforeheslammedintomefrombehindwithaviciousthrust.Ascreamrippedfrommythroatatthepainfulstretchofhissizeandtheroughnesswithwhichhefuckedme.Tearssprungtomyeyes,butmyscreameventuallyfadedintoastringofmindlesswhimpersandsquealsashepoundedintome.
“Whatwasthat?”Josh’sbreathgrazedmycheek.“Youalwayshavesomuchtosay.Whereareyourwordsnow,hmm?”
“Go.To.Hell,”Ipanted.ItwastheonlysentenceIcouldmanagebeforeanothersharpthrustscrambledmythoughts.
Hisdarkchucklereverberatedthroughme.“You’remypersonalhell,Red.”Hegavemyhairanothersharptug.“AndGodhelpme,Idon’twanttofuckingleave.”
BeforeIcoulduntanglethemeaningbehindhiswords,heflippedmearoundsoIwasonmyback.Hekepthishandonmythroat,pressingmeintothegroundwhileheproppedmylegonhisshoulder.Atthisangle,hehitspotsIdidn’tevenknowexisted.
Mynailsdugintohisskin,partlyoutofinstinctandpartlyaspaybackforhismindfuckery.SatisfactionbloomedonmylipsathispainedhisswhenIrakedthemdownhisback.Inretaliation,hefuckedmeevenharderuntilourgroansandthefuriousslapofourbodiesagainsteachotherweretheonlysoundsinthedarkspace.
IdeliberatelyclenchedaroundhimuntilJoshletoutalowhiss.Sweatbeadedonhisbrow;tensionlinedhisfaceandturneditintogranite.
“SeemslikeI’mnottheonlyonewhoneedstocome,”Itaunted.
Iclenchedagain,andhishissmorphedintoacurse.
“Iwasgoingtotakeiteasyonyou.Butnow…”Hepressedharderagainstmythroatuntilfaintspotsdancedacrossmyvisionandtheheatblazedhotterinmybody.“We’llhavetodoitthehardway.”
HisnextthrustwassosavageIlostwhateverbreathIhadleft.
Nothingaboutwhatweweredoingwassweetorsensual.Itwasn’taboutemotionalconnection.Itwasn’tevenaboutphysicalattraction,nomatterhowwetIwasorhowmuchheruinedme.
No,wefuckedlikeitwasourcatharsis,apurgeofeverythingdarkanduglythat’dfesteredovertheyears.Therewasacertainliberationinnotgivingafuckwhattheotherpersonthoughtaboutyou.Wecouldbetheworst,mostuntamedversionsofourselves,andinaworldwhereeveryonetriedtofiteverythingintoneatlittleboxes,itwasasexhilaratingasitwaspainful.
Butasgoodasitfelt,myorgasmremainedoutofreach.EverytimeIgrazedit,Joshwouldslowdown,drawingoutoursessionoffurious,exquisitetorture.
“Begme,Red.”Joshreachedbetweenusandstrokedmyclit,sendinganothersharpburstofpleasurethroughmybody.“Tellmehowmuchyouneedtocome.”Hescrapedhisteethagainstmyneckandsuckedhard.“Howmuchyouneedmetomakeyoucome.”
Normally,Iwouldmakeajokeaboutself-esteemissues,butIwastoogonetothinkclearly.
“No.”Myrefusalsoundedweaktomyownears.Iwastoodesperateforrelief.ItwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeIcaved,butIsureashellcouldputupafightbeforeIdid.
“No?”Josheasedhisthrusts,andanotherscreamoffrustrationwelledinmythroat.
Fuckingsadisticasshole.
“Ihateyou,”Imoaned.Irolledmyhips,seekingthefrictionIneededtonoavail.
“I’mcountingonit.”Hiseyesglittereddownatme.“Useyourwords,Red,orwe’llbehereallnight.”
Don’tsayit.
Heslidintomewithtorturousslownessagain.
Icouldn’tholdbackmypatheticwhimpersasheplayedwithme,edgingmeoverandoveruntilIwasabouttolosemydamnmind.
Don’tsayit,don’tsayit,dontsayit—
“Please.”Ichokedouttheword.
“Pleasewhat?”
“Pleaseletmecome.”ThewordsfadedintoamoanasJoshincreasedhisspeed.
“Youcandobetterthanthat.”Sweatgleamedonhisskin,andtautmusclescordedhisneck.Holdingbacktorturedhimasmuchasitdidme,butIcouldn’ttakemuchsatisfactionfromthatwhenIwasontheknife’sedgeofinsanity.
Anelectricspikeofsensationspearedthroughmewhenhehitthatspot.
“Josh,please,”Isobbed,notcaringanymore.“Ican’t—Ineed—please…”
Mesayinghisnamemust’vesnappedsomethinginsidehim,becausehefinallystoppedteasingandstartedfuckingmewithfullforceagain.
“Youfeelsofuckinggood,”hegrowled.“Youlovemycockwreckingthattightlittlepussy,don’tyou?”
“Yes.”Igasped.“Yes,God,please.I’mgoingto…I’m…OhGod,ohfuck!”
Iscreamedaswhite-hotpleasureblazedthroughme.Everythoughtandmemoryincinerated,leavingonlymind-numbingpleasureintheirwake.
Joshkeptfuckingme,andanotherorgasmchasedthefirstone,followedbyanother.Theyrolledonandon,wringingmeoutuntilIwaslittlemorethanabonelessheaponthefloor.
Aftermythirdorfourthorgasm,Joshfinallycame,andwelaythere,ourbreathsheavyinthesuddenquiet,beforehepushedhimselfoffmeandtossedhiscondominthenearbytrashcan.Ihadn’tevennoticedhimputoneon.
Thelust-fueledfogclearedfrommybrain.Ialwaysmadesuretheguyusedprotection,eventhoughIwasonbirthcontrol.ThankGodJoshhad,butthefactIhadn’teventhoughttoask…
Fuck.
Iwatchedhimdressinsilence,theimportofwhatwedidhittingme.
I’dhadsexwithJoshChen.Mybestfriend’sbrotherandoneofthepeopleIdespisedmost.
Andnotjustanysex.Angry,toe-curling,brain-meltingsex.SexwhereI’dbeggedformoreandcamesohardIstillfelttheaftereffects.
OhmyGod.Mystomachlurched.WhathaveIdone?19JOSH
Therewereatleastadozendifferentkindsofsex.
Therewassweet,sensuallovemaking.Rough,hardfucking.Therewerecasualquickiesandemotionalinterludesandeveryshadeofintimacyinbetween.Aftertwenty-nineyearsonearth,IthoughtI’dexperiencedeverytypeofsexpossible.
UntilJules.
Ididn’tevenknowwhattocallwhatwedid.Sexseemedtooblandandgenericadescription.It’dbeensomethingrawer,moreprimal.Somethingthatdugdeepintothenestofthornshiddeninthepitsofmyconsciousnessandyankedthemoutfortheworldtosee.Everyshadowandjaggedpieceofme,laidbare.
JuleshadunlockedadarkerversionofmethanIthoughtmyselfcapableof,andnowthatitwasout,Iwasn’tsureIcouldeverputitbackin.
Itshould’vebeenterrifying,butitwasliberating.ThegreatesthighI’deverexperienced.
GreaterthanBASEjumping.GreaterthanmountainbikingBolivia’sinfamousDeathRoad.AndamilliontimesgreaterthananynightI’dspentwithanywomaninthepast.
JulesandIhadn’tspokenawordtoeachotherbeforeIlefttheothernight,butdayslater,myneedforanotherhitconsumedme.
“EarthtoJosh.”Avasnappedherfingersinfrontofmyface.“Youthere?OrareyoualreadyinNewZealand?”sheteased.
Iforcedmyselfbackintothepresent.Itwasoneoftheraredayswebothhadoff,sowe’dscheduledacatchupoverlunch.
“Yeah.”Isippedmywater,wishingitweresomethingstronger.Wasittooearlytostartdrinking?Itwasfiveo’clocksomewhere,right?“IwishIwasinNewZealand.Ican’tfuckingwait.”
T-minussevenweeksuntilmytrip.Iwaspumped,butIcouldn’tsummonthedesiretotalkaboutit.IwastoodistractedbythoughtsofJules.
MaybeI’dbeenrightwhenIcalledherasuccubus.ThatwastheonlyexplanationIcouldthinkofforthewayshe’dinfiltratedmyeverywakingandsleepingsecond.
“It’llbefun.”Avarippedoffapieceofherbreadandpoppeditinhermouth.“JustmakesuretobringmebackaLordoftheRingssouvenirorI’llneverforgiveyou.”
“Youdon’tevenlikeLordoftheRings.Youfellasleephalfwaythroughthefirstmovie.”
“Yes,butyoucan’tgotoNewZealandwithoutbringingbackaLOTRsouvenir.It’sinhumane.”
“Inhumane.Idon’tthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans,”Isaid,citingoneofourfavoritemovies.
ThePrincessBridewasoneofmyfavoritemovies.Iwasn’tashamedtoadmitit.Itwasafuckingclassic.
Avamadeaface.“Whatever.Speakingof,wherewereyouWednesdaynight?Youdidn’tansweranyofyourtexts.”
Shit.I’dansweredhertextsthenextmorning,butI’dhopedshewouldn’taskwhyI’dbeenMIAsincewe’dhadtentativeplanstowatchthelatestMarvelmovietogether.
“Sorry.SomethingcameupthatIneededtotakecareofrightaway.”
WhatwouldAvasayifsheknewI’dsleptwithherbestfriend?Nothinggood,Ibet.Shewasfiercelyprotectiveofherfriends,andsheknewJulesandImixedaswellasoilandwater.
Exceptforinbed,apparently.
“AndtheawardforVaguestAnswergoesto…”Ava’sphonealarmwentoff,andshewinced.“Shoot.Ihavetogo.I’mmeetingAlexforashowattheRenwickGallery,butitwasgreatcatchingup.”Shestoodandgavemeaquickhug.“Getsomerest,okay?Youlookexhausted.”
“What?No,Idon’t.”Icheckedmyreflectionintheplate-glasswindowandrelaxed.Nopaleskin,nopurplesmudgesorbagsbeneathmyeyes.Ilookedperfect.
“Madeyoulook.”Avagrinnedatmyscowl.“Youaresovain.”
“That’saCarlySimonsong,notanaccuratedescriptorofme.”JustbecauseIcaredaboutmyappearancedidn’tmakemevain.Theworldtradedinappearances,soitmadesenseformetolookasgoodasIcould.“Ithoughtyouhadtogo,”Iaddedpointedly.
IlovedAva,butlikealllittlesisters,shecouldbeamajorpaininmyass.
NowondersheandJuleswerefriends
“Fine,Icantakeahint.ButI’mserious,”shethrewoverhershoulderonherwayout.“Getsomerest.Youcan’trunoncoffeeforever.”
“Icantry!”Icalledafterher,earningmyselfanoddlookfromnearbydiners.
Avaalwaysfussedaboutmysleepschedule,butIwasamedicalresident.TheonlyregularsleepscheduleIhadwasanonexistentone.
Iclosedoutmycheckandleftsoonaftermysisterdid.Wehadagreatlunch,butIwishedwecouldtalkaboutmorethanourjobsandplansfortheweekend.Weusedtobeeachother’ssoundingboards,butnowshehadAlexandIhadacraptonofthingsIcouldn’ttellherabout.Namely,whathappenedwithJules,andMichael’sletters,ofwhichIreceivedanotheroneyesterday.
Twoyears,andIcouldn’tbringmyselftocuthimoutofmylife.Inevervisitedhiminprison,butIkepthiscorrespondenceasaproxyfor…hell,Ididn’tknow.Buteveryday,mycuriosityintensified.ItwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeIopenedoneofhisletters,andIhatedmyfutureselfforit.Itfeltlikeabetrayal.
Michaeltriedtokillmysisterandframedmymother,andIwasstillholdingontoaremnantofthemanheusedtobe.TheonewhotaughtmehowtorideabikeandbroughtmetomyfirstbasketballgamewhenIwasseven.Notafelon,butmyfather.
IswallowedthebitterlumpinmythroatasIenteredthemetrostationjustintimetocatchthenexttraintoHazelburg.IpushedthoughtsofMichaelaside,choosingtofocusonmyplansfortherestoftheafternooninstead.IspiraledeverytimeIthoughtaboutmyfather,andIwasn’twastingapreciousdayoffagonizingoverhim.
Itappedmyfingersagainstmythigh,restless.Itwastoolatetogohiking.MaybeIcouldringupsomeoldcollegefriends,seeiftheywerefreetohangoutthatnight.
OryoucanseeJulesagain.
Myteethclenched.Christ,whatwaswrongwithme?It’dbeenafuck.Agreatone,butafucknonetheless.Ishouldn’tbethisobsessiveaboutitafteronenighttogether.
ItookoutmyphoneandpulledupatravelguideforNewZealand,determinedtoeraseacertainredheadfrommymind.
Itdidn’twork.
EverytimeIsawawaterfall,IpicturedfuckingJulesunderit.
EverytimeIsawarestaurant,Ipictureduseatingtheretogetherlikeagoddamncouple.
EverytimeIsawahike,Ipictured…well,yougottheidea.
“Fuck.”Iwasgoinginsane.
Thewomanseatednexttomewithheryoungdaughterpinnedmewithaglarebeforeshemovedthembothfartherdownthetrain.
Normally,Iwould’veapologized,butIwastooannoyedtooffermorethananapologeticgrimace.
TherewasonlyonewaytogetJulesoffmymind.Ididn’tlikeit,butitwastheonlysolutionIhad.
WhenIarrivedinHazelburg,IheadedstraighttoJules’shouse.WaswhatIwasabouttodoabadidea?Probably.ButI’dtakeabadideaoverhavingherliverent-freeinmyheadforGodknewhowlong.
Iknockedonthedoor.Itopenedaminutelater,revealingdarkcurlsandsurprisedgreeneyes.
“Hey,Josh,”Stellasaid.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Shit.I’dforgottenaboutJules’sroommate.Likeeveryoneelse,StellathoughtJulesandIhatedeachother—whichwedid—soitwouldbeweirdifIsaidIshoweduptoseeJules.Unless…
“IneedtotalktoJulesaboutacaseattheclinic,”Ilied.“It’surgent.Isshehere?”
IfStellasuspectedIwaslying,shedidn’tshowit.Thenagain,shewasoneofthemosttrustingpeopleIknew,soitprobablydidn’toccurtoherthatIwasn’ttellingthetruth.
“Yep.Comein.”Sheopenedthedoorwiderandmotionedmeinside.“Julesisupstairsinherroom.”
“Thanks.”ItookthestairstwoatatimeuntilIreachedJules’sroom.
Irappedmyknucklesagainstthedoorandwaitedforher“Comein!”beforeIsteppedinsideandclosedthedoorbehindme.
Julessatatherdesk,lookingmoredresseddownthanI’deverseenher.Sweats,oversizedT-shirt,nomakeup,hairtossedupinabun.WhileIappreciatedaskimpyoutfitasmuchasthenextguy,Ikindalikedthisversionofher.Itwasmoreauthentic.Morehuman.
Shockpassedoverherfaceatmyappearancebeforesheturnedbacktohercomputerandresumedtyping.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”sheaskedcasually,likehernailmarksweren’tetchedintomybackfromwhenI’dfuckedherbrainsoutafewdaysago.
Itampeddownmyannoyanceandleanedagainstthedresser,foldingmyarmsovermychest.
Ihadworktodo,tripstoplan,andsleeptocatchupon.Butit’dbeenfourdays,elevenhours,andthirty-twominutessincewe’dhadsex,andallofthemhadbeenconsumedbymemoriesofcinnamonandheatandthesilkyslideofherskinbeneathmyhands.
Ididn’tknowwhatkindofvoodoospellJulescastonme,butIneededtogetitoutofmysystem.Ifonenightwasn’tenough,thenIwouldindulgeinasmanynightsasnecessarytoridmyselfofmydisturbingobsessionwithher.
“Ihaveapropositionforyou,”Isaid.
“No.”Shedidn’tlookupfromherscreen.
“Iproposeweformamutuallybeneficialarrangement,”Icontinued,ignoringherflatrejection.“Asmuchasitpainsmetoadmit,youweren’tterribleinbed,andIknowI’mnotterribleinbed.We’rebothtoobusytodateordealwiththeonlinedatingscene.Therefore,weshouldenterafriendswithbenefitsagreement.Minusthefriendspart.”
Itwasgenius,ifIdidsaysomyself.Thephysicalchemistrywasthere,andneitherofushadtoworryabouttheothercatchingfeelings.Wecouldjustfuckuntilwegottiredofit.
Honestly,Mensashouldoffermemembershipforsuchabrilliantplan.
“Josh.”Julesclosedherlaptopandtwistedtofaceme.“Iwouldratherburninthefierydepthsofhellthansleepwithyouagain.”
Ismirked.“Wewon’tbedoingmuchsleeping,Red.Orhaveyouforgotten?”
Ispottedtheinstantsherememberedournighttogether.
Herpupilsdilated,herchestroseandfellfaster,andhercheeksflushedthefaintestshadeofpink.Theaveragepersonwouldn’thavenoticedsuchminorchanges,butIwasn’taverage.Inoticedeverythingabouther,whetherIwantedtoornot.
Self-satisfactionbloomedonmylips
“Wewon’tbedoingmuchofanythingexcepttolerateeachother’spresenceforAva’ssake,”shesaidthroughgrittedteeth.“You’reluckyIdidn’tbiteyourdickoff.”
“Butthenyouwouldn’thavebeenabletocomesohardaroundit.Multipletimes,”Isaidsilkily.“Thatwould’vebeenadamnshame.Yourscreamsaresosweet.”
Ismiledathersnarl.
“You’realogicalperson.Thinkaboutit,”Ireasoned.“Webothhaveneeds,andthisistheperfectwaytofulfillthoseneedswithouttheheadachethatcomesupwithfindingsomeonetohookupwith.LessTodds,moreorgasms.It’sawin-winsituation.”
Julesremainedsilent.Shewasthinkingaboutit.
Ipouncedontheopeningandwentinforthekill.“Butifyou’reafraidyou’llfallformeintheprocess,Idon’tblameyou.”Iofferedacasualshrug.“I’mprettyirresistible.”
Mysmilewidenedwhenhereyessparked.Challengeswereasmuchherweaknessastheyweremine.
“Noteveninyourwildestdreams.”Julesleanedbackinherchair.“Rememberthelastgameweplayed?Iwon,youlost.”
“Idon’thavedreamsaboutyou,Red.Onlynightmares.”
“Could’vefooledme,consideringhowhardyoucametheothernight.”Julesreleasedherhairfromherbunandletitcascadeoverhershoulders.Themovementstretchedhershirtacrossherchest,andmyeyesinvoluntarilydippedtowherehernipplespokedthroughthethinmaterialinhard,pebbledpoints.
WhenIliftedthemagain,myjeanshadtightened,andJulesworeasmugsmile.“Ifwe’regoingtodothis,weneedtosetsomegroundrules.”
Bingo.Missionaccomplished.
IsavoredthetriumphforaminutebeforeIinclinedmyhead.“Agreed.Ladiesfirst.”
I’dlearnedmylessonfromourwageratTheBlackFox.Alwayssetrules.
“Thisisastrictlyphysicalarrangement,”Julessaid.“Wedon’thaveclaimsoneachother’stimeoutsideofsex,sodon’taskmewhereIamorwhatI’mdoingwhenwe’renottogether.”
“Fine.”Ihadnoplanstodoeitherofthosethings.“Wekeepthisbetweenus.Don’ttellanyone—notyourfriends,peopleattheclinic,andespeciallynotAva.”
“OfcourseIwon’ttellanyone.”Juleswrinkledhernose.“IhardlywantpeopletoknowI’minvolvedwithyou.”
“Youcouldonlybesolucky.”
Weranthroughtherestofourrulesinrapidsuccession.
“Alwaysuseprotection.”
“Nosleepingover.”
“Nogettingjealousiftheotherpersongoesonadatewithsomeoneelse.”
Finewithme.Anexclusivefriends-but-not-friends-with-benefitssituationwastooclosetoanactualrelationshipforcomfort.
“Ifyouwanttoendthearrangement,beupfrontaboutit.Noghostingorbeatingaroundthebush.That’sfuckingimmature.”
“Nofallinginlove.”
Iscoffed.“Red,you’llfallinlovewithmebeforeIeverfallinlovewithyou.”Themereideawasabsurd.
JuleswasthemostdifficultwomanI’deverencountered.Godhelpwhicheverpoorbastardendedupfallingforher
“Asif.”Shesniffed.“Youthinkfartoohighlyofyourdick,Chen.Itgetsthejobdone,butit’snotamagicalrod.”
“Lastrule.Neverrefertomycockasarodagain.”
SomeslangshouldbebannedfromtheEnglishlanguage.
“Whatever,JoshyMcRod.”Julesofferedadeceivinglysweetsmile.“Dowehaveadeal?”
“Deal.”Igraspedheroutstretchedhandandsqueezed.Shesqueezedbacktwiceashard.Itremindedmeofwhenweshookonourclinictruce.Weweremakinganawfullotofdealslately,forsomereason.“Onlyfucking,nofeelings.”
Ididn’tdoubtforasecondIcouldholdupmyendofthedeal.Mostpeoplecaughtfeelingsinthesetypesofarrangements,whichwaswhytheyneverlastedlong.
ButiftherewasonethingIwassureof,itwasthatIwouldnever,everfallinlovewithJulesAmbrose.20JULES
Thetextbookdefinitionofinsanitywasdoingthesamethingoverandoverandexpectingdifferentresults.
MydefinitionofinsanitywasenteringintoasexualarrangementwithJoshChen.
Iblamedmyhormonesandlawschool.IfIweren’tsobusy,Iwouldn’thavetoresorttosleepingwiththeenemy.Literally.
Wehadn’thadsexsinceourpactlastweek,butitwouldhappeneventually.Iwasalreadygettingantsythinkingaboutit.MyvibratorswerefinewhentheywereallIhad,butnowthatregularand,asmuchasIhatedtoadmitit,greatsexwasanoption,mybodywasscreamingatmetomakeupforyearsoforgasmslostduringlawschool.
ItriedtoignorethepersistentbuzzbeneathmyskinasAlex,Ava,Stella,andIenteredHyacinth,ahotnewclubon14thStreet.
Iwouldnotthinkabouthimtonight,notaroundAva.Thatwasjustwrong.
Plus,Iwasparanoidshe’ddevelopedmutantmindreadingpowersandcouldtellwheneverIwasthinkingaboutherbrother.
Isnuckaglanceather,butshewastoobusytalkingtoAlextonoticemyguiltyexpression.
“Thisplaceisinsane.”Stellatiltedherheaduptoexaminethegiantwaterfallchandelierhangingaboveus.Strandsofcrystalsdrippedoverthreetiersandreflectedthelightsflashingthroughtheclub.Musicpulsedthroughtheroomandreverberatedinmybones,addingtothecontagiousenergyclimbingupmyspine.
I’dmissedthis,thefeelingofbeingaliveandoutintheworldinsteadofcoopedupinalibrary.AvaandStellalikedtheiralonetime,butIthrivedonacrowd’senergy.Itgavememorebuzzthananycaffeineoradrenalinehit.
“Onlythebesttocelebrateournewhome.”Ibumpedmyhipagainsthers.“Canyoubelieveit?IthoughtPamwouldhaveaheartattack.”
Afterweeksofwaiting,StellaandIhadfinallymovedintoTheMirage.We’dpickedupourkeysfromanirritatedPamthatmorningandspenttherestofthedayunpackingwithhelpfromourfriends.Now,wewerecelebratingwithawell-deservednightofdrinksanddancingatthehottestnewclubintown.
Stellashookherhead.“Onlyyouwouldsoundsohappyaboutthat.”
“Can’thelpit.Shemakesitsoeasy.”Iflashedamischievoussmile.“Ipromisewe’llbethebesttenantsever.”
“J,IsweartoGod,ifyougetuskickedoutofthebuilding…”
“Iwon’t.Havemorefaithinme.Butifseeingusaroundraisesherbloodpressure…”Ishrugged.“That’snotourfault.”
Stellasighedandshookherheadagain.
Avatouchedmyarm.“AlexandIaregoingtograbatable.Youguyscoming?”Onlytheroped-offVIPareacontainedtables,butIwasn’tsurprisedAlexcouldfinagleusaccess.
Iwassurprisedhe’dhelpedusunpack,thoughthatwasonehundredpercentAva’sdoing.He’dwornthesamegrumpylookhewaswearingnowallday.
“Later.I’mscopingoutthefloorfirst.”IappreciatedagoodVIPareaasmuchasanybody,butIwasn’tsequesteringmyselfonmyfirstnightoutinmonths.“Yougoahead.I’llmeetupwithyouguysinabit.”IpattedAlex’sshoulder.“Smile.It’snotillegal.”
Hisstonyexpressiondidn’tbudge.
Oh,well.Itried.
WhileAlex,Ava,andStellamadetheirwaytotheVIParea,Ipushedmywaytothebar.I’lldoalapofthedancefloorlater,seeifanythinginterestingwashappening,thenjointhem.
Iwastheonewho’dsuggestedwegoclubbingtonight,eventhoughwewerealltiredfromunpacking,soIdidn’tblamethemiftheywantedtochill.Honestly,weshould’vestayedin,butitwasmylastsemi-freenightbeforegraduation.Ihadtodosomethingbeforebarpreptookovermylife,andournewapartmentwasasgoodanexcuseforacelebrationasany.
IplacedmyorderforawhiskeysourandscannedtheclubwhileIwaited.Goldoutlinesketchesofhyacinthssnakedovertheblackwallswhilefreshbouquetsoftheactualflowerdottedthemodulartablesscatteredthroughouttheroom.Agreen-hairedDJpumpedoutremixesfromhisplatformoverlookingthedancefloor,andserversinskimpyblackuniformscirculatedwithtraysofshots.ItwasleaguesabovewhatotherD.C.nightspotshadtooffer,andIcouldseewhyHyacinthwassopop—
Myphonebuzzedwithanewtext.
AnnoyanceandanticipationswirledinmychestwhenIsawwhoitwas.
Josh:Tonight,midnight.
We’dagreedtokeepourcommunicationsshort,tothepoint,andvagueenoughthatifanyonesawthem,wecouldexplainthemawaywithacreativeexcuse.Histextmetallthreecriteria,butstill.
Whathappenedtoagoodold-fashionedhey,howareyoufirst?
Me:Can’t.I’mbusy.
Josh:Toobusyforanorgasm?
Me:Yourfragileegocan’ttakeapostponement?Ifthat’sthecase,thisisn’tgoingtowork…
Foronce,Joshignoredthebait.
Josh:Tomorrow,10pm.Myplace.
Josh:P.S.You’regoingtopayforthefragileegocomment…
Mybreathhitched,andIwasinthemiddleoftypingoutareplywhenIheardmyname,loudandclear,overthepoundingmusic.
“Jules.”
Ifroze,icetricklingthroughmyveinsatthesoundofthatvoice.
Itcouldn’tbehim.IwasinD.C.Howcouldhehavepossiblyfoundme,inthisclubonthisnight?
Mymindwasplayingtricksonme.Ithadtobe.
ButwhenIraisedmyhead,myeyesconfirmedwhatmybraindesperatelywantedtodeny.
Lightbrownhair.Blueeyes.Cleftchin.
No.Panicclawedupmythroat,renderingmemute.
“Hey,J.”Maxsmiled,thesightmoremenacingthanreassuring.“Longtimenosee.”21JULES
“What…you…”MyabilitytoformacoherentsentencediedanundignifieddeathasIstaredatmyex-boyfriend.
Hewashere.InD.C.Standinglessthantwofeetawayandwearinganalarminglycalmexpression.
“Surprise.”Hestuffedhishandsinhispocketsandrockedbackonhisheels.Hispantsweremorefadedthanhetypicallyliked,hisshirtmorewrinkled.Hisfacehadlostthefullnessofyouthandtakenonagauntershape.
Otherthanthat,hewasthesameMax
Handsome,charming,manipulativeashell.
Somepeoplewerecapableofchange,butMaxwasassetinhiswaysasconcrete.Ifhewashere,hewantedsomethingfromme,andhewouldn’tleaveuntilhegotit.
“JulesMiller,speechless.NeverthoughtI’dseetheday.”Hischucklesetoffadozenalarmbellsinmymind.“OrshouldIsay,JulesAmbrose?Nicenamechange,thoughI’msurprisedyoudidn’tchangeitalltheway.”
Mymusclesturnedrigid.
“Itwasalegalnamechange.”I’dchangeditafterImovedtoMaryland,andgivenI’donlybeeneighteenatthetimewithnomortgage,nocreditcards,andnodebts,itdidn’ttakelongtoeraseJulesMillerandreplaceherwithJulesAmbrose.
PerhapsIshould’vechangedmyfirstnametoo,butIlovedthenameJules,andIcouldn’tbringmyselftogetridofmyoldidentitycompletely.
“Oneofthefewlegalthingsyoudid,”Maxjoked,butthewordslackedhumor.
Theclub’senergy,soexhilaratingminutesago,morphedintosomethingmoresinister,likeitwasonediscordantbeatawayfromexplodingintochaos.Wallsofsoundandbodyheatpressedagainstme,trappingmeinaninvisiblecage.
Maxwasoneofthefewpeoplewhoknewaboutmypast.Onetinypush,andhecouldtopplemyworldlikeitwasaJengatower.
“You’resupposedtobe…”Onceagain,Igraspedforwordsthatnevercame.
“InOhio?”Max’ssmilehardened.“Yeah.Wehavealottotalkabout.”Heflickedaglancearoundus,buteveryonewastoobusybattlingforthebartender’sattentiontopayusmuchmind.Nevertheless,heangledhisheadtowardadarkcorneroftheclub.“Overthere.”
Ifollowedhimtoaquiethallwaynearthebackexit.Itwasonlystepsawayfromthemainclub,butitwassodarkandhusheditmightaswellbeanotherworld.
Ituckedmyphonebackintomypurse,Joshtemporarilyforgotten,andwipedmypalmsagainstmydress.
IfIweresmart,Iwouldrunandneverlookback,butMaxhadalreadytrackedmedown.Runningwouldonlydelaytheinevitable.
“I’mhurtyoudidn’tanswermytexts,”Maxsaid,neverlosinghisaffableexpression.“Withourhistory,Iexpectedatleastareply.”
“Ihavenothingtosaytoyou.”Ikeptmyvoiceasevenaspossibledespitetheshakeinmyhand.“Howdidyouevenfindme?Howdidyougetmynumber?”
Hetsked.“Thosearen’ttherightquestions.AskmewhyIhaven’treachedoutuntilnow.AskwhereI’vebeenthepastsevenyears.”WhenIdidn’t,hisfacedarkened.“Askme.”
Asickfeelingroseinmystomach.“Wherehaveyoubeenthepastsevenyears?”
“Jail,Jules.”Hissmiledidn’treachthecold,flatplainsofhiseyes.“Iwasinjailforwhatyoudid.Ionlygotoutafewmonthsago.”
“That’snotpossible.”Disbeliefconstrictedmythroat.“Wegotaway.”
“Yougotaway.YouranofftoMarylandandcreatedaperfectlittlelifeforyourselfwiththemoneywestole.”AshadowofasnarlroseonMax’smouthbeforehisexpressionsmoothedagain.“Youleftwithnowarningandleftmetodealwiththemessyoumade.”
Ibitbackastingingretort.Ididn’twanttoprovokehimuntilIfiguredoutwhathewanted,butwhileitwastrueI’drunoffwithoutleavinghimsomuchasanote,we’dhatchedtheideatostealfromAlastairtogether.Maxwastheonewhogotgreedyanddeviatedfromtheplan.
“They’llbebacksoon.”Iglancedaroundmystepfather’soffice,myanxietyatightknotinmychest.“Wehavetogonow.”
Wealreadyhadwhatwecamefor.Fiftythousanddollarsincash,whichAlastairkeptinhis“secret”safe.Hethoughtnooneknewaboutit,butI’dmadeapointofexploringeverynookandcrannyofthemansionwhenIlivedhere.ThatincludedanyplaceswhereAlastairmayhavestashedhissecrets.Ievenfiguredouthissafecombination—0495,themonthandyearhefoundedhistextilecompany.
Crackinghissafewasn’trocketscience,andfiftygrandwasn’tasecret,butitwasahelluvalotofmoney,evenafterMaxandIsplititinhalf.
Thatwas,ifwestayedoutofjail.We’dyettogetcaughtaftersevenmonthsofpullingjobsinColumbus,butlingeringherewasjustaskingfortrouble.
“Holdon.I…almost…gotit.”Maxgruntedashepriedopenthecustom-madelockofthesmallmetalboxattachedtothesafe’sinterior.ItservedasasecondlayerofsecurityforAlastair’smostprizeditem:anantiquediamondnecklacehe’dwonatanauctionseveralyearsagoafterbiddingoverahundredthousanddollarsforit.
IalreadyregrettedtellingMaxaboutthenecklace.Ishould’veknownfiftygrandwouldn’tbeenoughforhim.Nothingwasenoughforhim.Healwayswantedmoremoney,moreclout.More,more,more,evenifitgothimintotrouble.
“Leaveit,”Ihissed.“Wecan’tevenpawnitwithoutleadingtheauthoritiesrighttous.Wehaveto—”
Thebrightbeamofheadlightsfilledthewindowsandthrewaspotlightonourfrozenforms.ItwasfollowedbytheslamofacardoorandAlastair’sdeep,distinctivevoice.
HeandmymomwenttodinnerinthecityeveryFriday,buttheyusuallydidn’treturnhomeuntilten.Itwasonlynine-thirty.
“Shit!”Panicclimbedupmythroat.“Leavethefuckingnecklace,Max.Weneedtogo!”
“I’malmostdone.Thisbabywillhaveussetforyears.”Maxwrenchedthelockoffwithatriumphantsmileandsnatchedthediamondsout.“Gotit!”
Ididn’tbotherresponding.Iwasalreadyhalfwayoutthedoor,adrenalinepropellingmedownthehallandtowardthebackexit.Theduffelbagofcashbangedagainstmyhipwitheachstep.
However,IskiddedtoastopwhenIheardthefrontdooropen,causingMaxtonearlycrashintome.
“Thatwasaterriblerestaurant,Alastair.”Mymomsniffed.“Theduckwascold,andthewinewasawful.Weneedtochooseabetteroptionnextweek.”
MyfingerstightenedaroundmybagstrapatthesoundofAdeline’svoice.
Ihadn’tspokentohersinceshekickedmeoutayearago,rightaftermyseventeenthbirthday.Despitetheawfulwaywe’dparted,herfamiliardulcettonescausedtearstostingmyeyes.
MystepfathermurmuredsomethingIcouldn’thear.
Theywereclose.Tooclose.Justawallseparatedthefoyerfromthehallway,andMaxandIhadtopassthroughtheopenarchconnectingthetwospacestoreachtheexit.IfmymomorAlastairturnedintothehallinsteadofwalkingstraighttowardthelivingroom,wewerescrewed.
Mymomcontinuedcomplainingabouttherestaurant,buthervoicegraduallyfaded.
They’dgonetothelivingroom.
Insteadofrelief,oldhurtcrowdedmychest.Iwasheronlydaughter,yetshe’dchosenhernewhusbandovermeandneverlookedformeonceaftershethrewmeoutforsomethinghedid.
Adelinehadneverbeenthewarmestormostempatheticmother,butthecallousnessofheractionsstungharderthanIthoughtpossible.Nomatterhowharshherwords,itwassupposedtobemeandherattheendoftheday.
Turnedout,itwasherandmoney.Orherandherego.Itdidn’tmatter.Allthatmatteredwas,Iwasn’tandhadneverbeenfirstinhereyes.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Maxpassedme.“Let’sgo!”
Ishookmyselfoutofmytranceandfollowedhim.Nowwasn’tthetimetoengageinself-pity.ItwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeAlastairdiscoveredhismoneyandprizedjewelsweremissing,andwewantedtobelonggonebythen.
Mystomachflippedwhentheexitcameintosight.Weweregoingtomakeit.Justafewmoresteps—
Crash!
MyeyeswidenedinhorrorwhenMaxbumpedintoasidetableinhishaste.Theporcelainvasesittingonittoppledtothefloorandshatteredwithenoughforcetowakethedead.
Hestumbledandlandedonthebrokenpieceswithacurse.
“Whatwasthat?”Alastairshouted,hisvoicecarryingthroughthehouse.“Who’sthere?”
“Fuck!”IgrabbedMax’shandanddraggedhimupanddownthehall.“Wehavetogetoutofhere!”
Heresisted.“Thenecklace!”
Iglancedovermyshoulderandspottedtheglitteringdiamondslyingamongstthejaggedwhiteshards.
“Wedon’thavetime.Alastair’salmosthere,”Ihissed.
Mystepfather’sangryfootstepsgrewlouder.Inlessthanaminute,hewouldcatchus,andwecouldkissourfreedomgoodbyeunlesshewasinaforgivingmood.
Bileroseinmythroatattheprospectofbeingatthatcreep’smercy.
Maxwasgreedy,buthewasn’tanidiot.Hetookmyadviceandabandonedhisquestforthenecklace.
IspottedaglimpseofAlastair’sthinningblondhairandfuriousfacerightasweflewthroughthebackdoor,butIdidn’tstoprunninguntilMaxandIpassedthroughtheforestborderingthepropertyandreachedthesideroadwherewe’dparkedourgetawaycar.
ItwasonlythenthatInoticedthebloodstainingMax’ssleeve.
“TheytrackedmedownusingthebloodIleftbehindfromnickingmyselfonthatstupidvase.”BitternesscreptintoMax’svoice.“Afewfuckingbloodstains,andIlostyearsofmylife.ThejudgehappenedtobeagoodfriendofAlastair’s,sohehandeddownaheavyfuckingsentence.Ofcourse,youwerelonggonebythetimethepolicecame.Therewasnoevidenceyouwereinvolved—theycouldn’tcatchyourfaceonthesecuritycameras—andAlastairdidn’twanttodragthecaseoutwhenhealreadyhadmeasthefallguy.Badpublicity,yousee.Soyougotawayscot-free.”
Ihatedthetwingeofguiltinmygut.We’dbothbeeninthewrong,andhewastheonlyonewhopaidforit.
Iunderstoodwhyhewasangry,butIalsodidn’tregretrunningwhenIhadthechance.
I’donlyfallenintotheconlifebecauseofMax.I’dneededmoney,andit’dbeenimpossibleformetogetajobintownafterpeoplefoundoutmyownmotherkickedmeout.Shenevertoldanyonewhyshedidso,andtherumorsranwild—everythingfrommesellingdrugstomegettingknockedupandlosingthebabybecauseofmysupposedcokehabit.Eitherway,noonewantedtotouchmewithaten-footpole.
Luckily,IhadenoughcashsaveduptotidemeoveruntilImetMaxtwoweeksafterbeingkickedout.I’dbeensuckedinbyhislooks,charm,andflashycar,andithadn’tbeenlongbeforeheropedmeintorunningconswithhiminColumbus.
Butourskiweekendhadshatteredhisspell,andI’donlystayedwithhimuntilIhadtheresourcestoleaveOhioforgood.MyacceptancetoThayerandAlastair’scashgavemewhatIneeded,andIsnuckawaythenightafterwebrokeintomystepfather’smansion.
IhoppedonamidnightbustoColumbus,boughtthenextflighttoD.C.,andneverlookedback.
“YoumightthinkI’mupset.”PresentMaxsmoothedahandoverhishair.“I’mnot.I’vehadalotoftimetoreflectovertheyears.Becomeabetterperson.I’velearnedhowtoletbygonesbebygones.Thatbeingsaid…”
Hereitwas.
Icurledmyhandsintofistsandbracedmyselfforwhathehadtosaynext.
“Youoweme.Itookthefallforyou.”
“Whatdoyouwant,Max?”Ididn’tpointoutthathehad,infact,committedacrimeandtookthefallforhimself.Therewasnopoint.“I’msorryyougotcaught.Truly.ButIcan’tgiveyouthosesevenyearsback.”
“No,”hesaid,thepictureofreason.“Butyoucandomeafavor.It’sonlyfair.”
Needlesofdreadprickedatme.“Whatkindoffavor?”
“Itwouldn’tbeanyfunifItoldyounow,wouldit?”Maxsmiled.“You’llsee.I’llletyouknowwhenthetimeisright.”
“I’mnothavingsexwithyou.”Themereideaturnedmystomach.
“Oh,no.”Hislaughbouncedaroundthehallwayandscrapedagainstmyskinlikenailsonchalkboard.“Afterhowwell-usedyoumustbeafteralltheseyears?No,thanks.”
Heatrushedtomyface,andIresistedtheurgetostabhimintheballswithoneofmystilettoheels.
“Althoughyouhavealwaysbeenenthusiasticinthesack,soyouhavethatgoingforyou.”Mystomachhollowedwhenhepulledouthisphone.“Ievenhaveevidence.”
Hepressedabutton,andmystomachchurnedwhenpastme’smoansfilledtheair.
“Rightthere,”onscreenmegasped,soundingdisgustinglysincereeventhoughI’dhatedeverysecondofwhatI’dbeendoing.“Thatfeelssogood.”
“Yeah,youlikethat?”Theman’sroughvoicesentawaveofnauseacrashingthroughme.“IknewyouwereafuckingslutthemomentIsawyou.”
Thevideowasgrainy,butitwasclearenoughtoseebothourfacesandhiscockashepumpedinandoutofme.I’dbarelyknowntheguy,butMaxhadconvincedmetosleepwithhimandcaptureitoncamera.
I’dbeensuchafuckingidiot.
“Turnitoff.”Icouldn’tstandthesoundofmyfakemoans.EachonedrilledintomybrainanddraggedmebacktothedarkdayswhenI’dcravedapprovalsomuchIwould’vedoneanythingforit,includinghavesexwithamantwicemyagejustsoIcouldstealfromhim.
“Butwehaven’tgottentothegoodpartyet.”Max’ssmilewidened.“Iloveitwhenyoulethimfuckyouin—”
“Turnitoff!”Coldsweatdrenchedmyskin.“I’lldoyourfuckingfavor.”
Thevideofinally,blessedlystopped
“Good.Iknewyouweresmart.”Maxpocketedhisphone.Iwasn’tdumbenoughtothinkstealingitwoulddoanythingexceptpisshimoff.Hemusthavebackupsofthevideostashedsomewhere.“Afterall,youdon’twanttoloseyourjobatSilver&Klein,doyou?Afancylawfirmlikethatprobablywouldn’treactwelltooneoftheiremployeeshavingasextapefloatingaroundonline.”
Thebilechurnedharder.“Howdoyouknowaboutthat?Howdidyouevenfindmeandgetmynumber?”
Maxshrugged.“It’snothardtotrackyoudownwhenpicturesofyouwithaqueenaresplashedallovertheinternet,especiallywiththeroyalweddingiscomingup.OnceIdiscoveredyournewname,ittookonlyasimpleGooglesearchtoturnupwhatIneeded.JulesAmbrose,memberoftheThayerLawReview.JulesAmbrose,recipientafull-ridescholarshiptoThayerLaw.”Hissmileturnedbitter.“You’relivingagoodlife,J.Asforyournumber…well,thosethingsaren’texactlyclassified.Paidsomecashtoanonlineserviceandvoila.Done.”
Fuck.I’dneverconsideredtheconsequencesofhavingmyconnectionwithBridgetbesopublicized.ButIneverexpectedMaxwouldlookformeafteralltheseyears.I’dfearedit,butIhadn’texpectedit.
“AndHyacinth?How’dyouknowIwouldbehere?”
Breathe,Jules.Breathe.
Maxrolledhiseyes.“I’mheretohavefun,J.PlusIhave…businessinD.C.Noteverythingisaboutyou.Runningintoyouwasaluckycoincidence,thoughI’dplannedtotextyouagaineventually.Iwasjust…busythesepastfewweeks.”
Hiscasualannoyancewasmoresinisterthananyoutrightthreatsorviolence,thoughhe’dalwaysdisdainedphysicalviolence.Itwastooplebeianforhim;hepreferredmindgamesandmanipulation,asevidencedbyourcurrentconversation.
Icouldonlyimaginewhatkindof“business”hewasupto,though.Iwouldbetmynewapartmentitwassomethingillegal.
“Andwhendoyouplanonaskingforthisfavor?”IfIhadtodoit,Iwantedtogetitoverwithassoonaspossible.
“WheneverIwant.Itcouldbeafewdaysfromnow.Weeks.Months.”Maxofferedalooseshrug.“Guessyou’llhavetokeepacloseeyeonyourphone.Don’twanttomissatextfrommeorpoof,youmightwakeuponedaytofindyourvideoonline.”
Mystomachhollowed.TheideaofMax’sthreathangingovermyheadforanindeterminatelengthoftimemademewanttohurl.
“IfIdoit,you’llerasethetape,”Isaid.
Itwasworthashot.
Hisexpressionhardened.“I’llerasethetapeifandwhenIwanttoeraseit.”Hebrushedastrandofhairoutofmyeye,theactiongrotesquelytenderconsideringthecircumstances.“Youdon’thaveanyleverage,babe.You’vebuiltthisfancylifeofyoursonafoundationoflies,andyou’rejustashelplessnowasyouwerewhenyouwereseventeen.”Hetrailedhishanddownmyneckandcaressedmyshoulder.Aswarmofinvisiblespiderscrawledovermyskin.“Youwilldo—”
Afamiliarvoicecutin,deepandedgedwithhardness.“AmIinterruptingsomething?”22JULES
Mykneesweakenedwithrelief.IneverthoughtI’dwelcomethesoundofthatvoice,butinthatmoment,Icouldbuildashrinetoitandworshipatitsaltar.
IlookedoverMax’sshoulder,oxygencreepingbackintomylungsatthesightofJosh’stousledhairandlean,powerfulframe.
“Josh.”Ibreathedhisnamelikeitwasmysalvation.
Inaway,itwas.
Max’seyessharpenedbeforehedroppedhishandandturned,givingJoshapolitenodthattheothermandidn’treturn.“Notinterrupting.Iwasmerelysayinghitoanoldfriend.”Curiositytouchedhisgazeasitflickedbetweenus,buthedidn’taddressJoshfurther.“Goodseeingyou,J.Remember…”Hetappedhisphonewithasmugsmileandwalkedaway.
IwaiteduntilhedisappearedaroundthecornerbeforeIslumpedagainstthewall,myheartracingandmydinnerthreateningtomakeanuglyreappearance
Joshcrossedthedistancebetweenusandgrippedmyarms.Heswepthiseyesovermyface,concernetchingtinygroovesinhisbrow.“Youlooklikeyou’reabouttothrowup.”
Iforcedasmile.“That’smynaturalreactionwheneverIseeyou.”
Theinsultfellflatwithouttheconvictiontobackitup.Intruth,IwantedtoburymyselfinJosh’schestandpretendthepasthalfhourneverhappened.Hewasn’tmyfriend,buthewasapillarofstabilityinaworldthathadsuddenlyflippedonitsaxis.
Hedidn’tbotheracknowledgingmypitifulattemptatsnark.“Washehurtingyou?”Adarkcurrentrippledbeneathhisvoiceandwarmedmyicyskin.
“No.”Notphysically,anyway.“Likehesaid,he’s…someoneIusedtoknow.Wewerecatchingup.”
Icouldn’tletanyoneknowthetruthaboutMaxormypast.Joshalreadythoughttheworstofme.Ididn’twanttoimaginehisreactionifhefoundoutIusedtobeathief.
“Inthebiblicalsense?”Thecurrentwentfromdarktopitchblack.
“Careful,Josh,”Iwarned,ignoringthesmallflutterinmychestdespiteeverythingthat’dhappened.“OrI’llthinkyou’rejealous.”
Aharshsmilecarvedhismouth.“Idon’tgetjealous.”
“There’safirsttimeforeverything.”Istraightened,baskinginJosh’sconcernmorethanIshould’ve.“Whatareyoudoinghere,anyway?”
“Forthesamereasonasyou,Iimagine,”hesaidsardonically.“Iwantedtocheckouttheclub,butIwasn’tfeelingitandwasabouttoleavewhenIsawyou.”
“Right.”Wewereneartheexit,sothatmadesense.
AlthoughMaxhadleft,hispresencelingeredlikearottingsmell,asdidhisultimatum.
Didhealreadyhaveafavorinmind,orwouldhemakeitupashewentalong?Hesaidnosex,butitcouldbesomethingillegal.Whatifhewantedmetostealforhimagain?Thatbeingsaid,whywasMaxaskingforonlyonefavor?He’dspentsevenyearsinjail.Iwould’vethoughthe’daskformore.Didhereallywantafavor,orwasheusingitasacoverupforsomethingelse?Ifso,what?
MybrainpoundedwithathousandquestionsIdidn’thavetheanswerto.
Breathe.Focus.
IwoulddealwiththeMaxsituationlater,whenmyshockworeoffandmybraincleared.Therewasn’tmuchIcoulddoaboutitnow.
Iblinked,forcingthoughtsofmyexasidenomatterhowhardtheytriedtoclawtheirwaybacktotheforefrontofmymind.
IftheOlympicsgaveoutgoldmedalsforrepression,I’dwinoneeveryfouryears.
“Yousaidyouwerebusytonight.”Joshleanedhisforearmagainstthewallabovemyhead.Hiseyespiercedmine.
“Iam.”Itossedmyhairovermyshoulderandpastedonanimpudentsmile.“OrmaybeIjustdidn’twanttomeetupwithyou.Iguessyou’llneverknow.”
“Youtryingtoprovokeme,Red?”Hisdarkwarningsnakedthroughme.
Yes.
“IonlyprovokepeopleIcareabout.”Iblinkedupathim,thepictureofinnocence.“Thatdoesn’tincludeyou,Joshy.”
Anticipationclimbedinmychestwhenasoftsnarlroseinhisthroat.“It’snotcareIwantfromyou.”
Heclaimedmylipsinapunishingkiss.Mybloodburnedattheonslaught,andwhenhistongueforcedmineintosubmission,Iyankedafistfulofhishairinretaliationuntilhehissedoutapainedgrowl.
“Oops,”Imocked.“Forgothowsoftyouwere.I’lltrytobegentlernexttime.”
Joshstraightenedandlickedthespotofbloodonhislowerlip.I’dnippedhimsohardduringourkissI’dbrokenskin.
“Don’tworry,Red,”hesaid,hissmileaviciousslashacrosshisface.“I’llshowyoujusthowsoftIcanbe.”
Heclosedhishandaroundmywristinanirongripandyankedmetowardanunmarkeddooracrossthehall.Surprisingly,itwasunlocked.
Joshpushedmein.
Itwassomesortofsupplyclosetslashoverflowroom.Papergoodsandutensilscrowdedtheblackmetalshelves,afogmachinesatinthecornerbetweenarolled-uprugandabroken-downchandelier,andamirrorhungonthewalloppositethedooraboveasmalltable.
TheclickofthedoorlockingbehindmebroughtmyattentionbacktoJosh.Hispresencefilledeverycorneroftheroom,makingthesmallspacefeelevensmaller,andIcouldfeeltheheatradiatingfromhisbodyacrosseveryinchofmyskin.
Ormaybetheheatwasfromthewayhelookedatme,likehewantedtodevourmewhole.
Sparksdancedthroughme.
Bloodpoundinginmyears,electricitylightingupmyveins.ThoughtsofMaxalreadyfadingintothenetherwheretheybelonged.
ThiswasexactlywhatIneeded.
“Areyoujustgoingtostandthere,orareyougoingtodosomething?”IaskedinasboredatoneasIcouldmuster.
Josh’seyesglintedinthedimlight.Hewalkedtowardme,eachslowstepsendinganotherjoltofanticipationandfeardownmyspine.
Ittookhimonlyafewstridestoreachme,butbythetimehedid,myheartwasreadytoburstoutofmychest.
Hedidn’ttakehiseyesoffmeasheyankedmydressupandrippedmyunderwearoff.
Ihissedoutaprotestwhentheflimsysilkshreddedwithoutresistance.
“Thatwasmygoodunderwear,asshole.”
Joshloweredhismouthtomine.“AskmeifIcare.”Heswallowedmyangryretortwithanotherbruisingkisswhilehisfingersdelvedbetweenmylegstofindmealreadywetandachingforhim
Suchafuckingjerk.Thatdidn’tstopmybodyfromcravinghis,butitalsodidn’tmeanIhadtomakeiteasyforhim.
Ipushedhimoffandslappedhim.Nothard,butenoughforthesatisfyingsmackofmypalmmeetingfleshtoechothroughthetinyspace.
Adrenalinelitupmybloodwhenhisbriefflareofshockmorphedintofury.
Pinpricksoffearfannedmyarousalintoawhite-hotflame.Itburnedhotterwhenheforcedmetomykneesandundidhisbeltandpants.
Thethinlycarpetedfloordugintomyskin,andmybreathscameoutinharshraspswhenhiscocksprungout,thickandangryandalreadyleakingpre-cum.
“Openyourmouth.”
Needpulsedthroughmelikealivingthing,butImethisblazingeyeswithdefiantonesofmyown.Ikeptmylipsfirmlypressedtogether.
Themessagewasclear.
Makeme.
Josh’seyesblazedhotter.Hishandclosedaroundmythroat,andhesqueezed.Harderandharder,untildarknessedgedmyvisionandIcouldn’ttakeitanymore.Iopenedmymouthtogaspforair,managingtodraginonebreathbeforeheshovedhiscockin.
OhGod.
Igaggedhorribly,mythroatbulgingaroundhisgirthasdroolleakedfromthecornersofmymouthanddrippeddownmychin.
“Tuhmphfg.”Toobig.Mywhineofprotestcameoutmuffled.Ipushedhalf-heartedlyagainsthisthighsevenasmyjuicesdrippeddownmyown.
Thehardfloor,thepinchofpainwhenJoshfistedmyhairwithbothhands,thesensationofhavingmythroatcompletelyfilled…itwastoomuch.
Mynippleshardenedintodiamondpoints,andIresistedtheurgetostrokemyclit.
Iwasalreadyclosetoorgasm,andhehadn’teventouchedmeyet.
Joshtuggedmyheadbackuntilhestaredstraightdownintomytear-filledeyes.“I’mgoingtofuckthatsmartmouthofyoursuntiltheonlysoundyou’llbeabletomakeistheoneofyouchokingonmycock,”hesaidcalmly.Herubbedoneofmytearsawaywithhisthumb.
Anelectricshiverrippeddownmyspineatthecontrastbetweenhislethallysoftthreatandhistendertouch.
“Thenexttimeyouwanttoinsultme,Iwantyoutothinkaboutthis.”Hewithdrewuntiljustthetipofhiscockremainedinmymouth,paused,andplungeddowninonesharpthrust.Igaggedagain,thetearsflowingfaster,theheatinmybellystokinghotter.“Youonyourknees,gaggingoneveryinchofmycockwhileIruinyourtightlittlethroat.”
Iwhimpered.Mynipplesandpussyweresosensitiveastronggustofaircouldverywelltipmeovertheedge.
“Mphmyphf.”Fuckyou
Joshsmiled,andthepinpricksoffearintensifieduntilmyentirebodywasalivewireofsensation.
“Thisisgoingtobefun.”
ThatwasthelastwarningIgotbeforehestartedfuckingmymouthsomercilesslyitwasallIcoulddototryandsuckinbreathsthroughmynosebeforehebottomedoutagain.
Myhelplessgurglesmixedwithhisharshgroansandtheobsceneslapofhisballsagainstmychinashepunishedmythroatexactlythewayhe’dpromised
Hard.Brutal.Unrelenting.
Isquirmedandtriedtoeasetheacheinmyjaw,buthewastoobigandthefuckingtoofurious.Eventually,however,mythroatopenedup,andhewasabletoslideevendeeperwithlessresistance.
“That’sit,”Joshgroaned.“Everyinch,justlikethat.Iknewyoucouldtakeit.”
Imoanedatthepraise.Icouldn’tseeproperlythroughthetearscloudingmyvision,butthebuzzbetweenmylegshadgrowntooloudformetoignore.
Ireacheddowntorubmyclit.
BeforeIcouldmakecontact,Joshyankedhimselfoutofmymouth,liftedmeup,andbentmeoverthetable,ignoringmyprotest.
“Youwereenjoyingyourpunishmentalittletoomuch,Red.Wecan’thavethat.”Hepushedmylegswiderwithhisknee,hisvoiceroughwithlust.“Lookatyou.You’refuckingsoakedforme.”
“It’snotforyou,asshole.”Myretortsoundedbreathlessandunconvincingtomyownears.“Ihateyou.”
Thewordyousharpenedintoayelpwhenhispalmlandedonmyasswithasharpsting.
“Thatwasforthefragileegoquipyoumadeearlier.This…”Slap.“…isforthehallway.Andthis…”Thehardeststrikeofall,onethatmademybodyjerkonimpact.“…isfordrivingmefuckinginsane.”
ApleadingsobfelloutofmymouthwhenJoshyankedmyheadbacksohismouthhoverednearmyear.“TellmewhyIcan’tstopthinkingaboutyou.Hmm?Whatthefuckdidyoudotome?”
Ishookmyhead,unabletoformaresponseormakesenseofthepainandpleasurericochetingthroughme.
Iwasonfire.Skinblazing,tearsanddroolpoolingonthetablebeneathme,butitallburnedsoexquisitelyIneverwantedittostop.
Josh’slowsnarlrumbleddownmyspineandmademytoescurl.“Holdontothetable.”
Iheardthefainttearofafoilwrapper.Ijustmanagedtocurlmyhandsaroundthecoolwoodbeforehewasinsideme,drivingdeepandhardintomypussywitheachupwardthrust.
Icriedout,mymindemptyingofanythoughtsexceptthesensationofhiscockpoundingintomeandtheslideofhisskinagainstmine.
NoMax.Nosecrets.Nolies.Justecstasyinitspurest,mostundilutedform.
“Stillhateme?”Josh’sfingersdugintomythroatwithjustenoughpressuretointensifytheheartbeatbetweenmylegs.
“Always,”Igasped.Iwasgettinglightheaded,butwhenIgrippedhiswrist,Ididn’tknowwhetheritwastopushhimoff…orkeephimthere.
Hismouthcurvedintoatinysmirkashestaredatmeinthemirrorabovethetable—hiseyesglitteringwithlust,theskinoverthoseknife-bladecheekbonesstretchedtautwithanger.
“Good.”
Thetablebangedagainstthewallwitheachsavagethrust.Myeyesflutteredclosedfromthesheeroverloadofsensation,buttheyflewopenagainwhenJoshgavemyhairanothersharptug.
“Openyoureyes,Red.”Hisotherhandgrippedmythroatharder,andafreshburstofarousalcloudedmyvision.Thepressure,theeasewithwhichhisgripencompassedmythroat,itallfelthorrifyinglyright,likeIwasmadetowearhisfingersaroundmyneck.“Iwantyoutoseeexactlywhosecockyou’retaking.”
Myskinflushedhotterthanitalreadywas.Istaredatourreflections,takinginmyglazedeyesandswollenlips.Handsonthetable,backarched,headpulledbackbyJosh’sfirmgrip.Ilookedhumiliatinglywanton,likeI’dbeenfuckedwithinaninchofmylifeandstillwantedmore.
Behindme,desirecarvedharshlinesintoJosh’sfeatures,andhiseyesburnedintomineasheresumedhisthrusts.Slowlythistime,feedinghiscockintomeinchbyinchuntilhewasburiedtothehilt.
Heleaneddownandtuggedgentlyonmyearlobewithhisteeth.“Whosecock,Red?”
“Yours,”Iwhimpered.
“That’sright.Nowtellme…”HepulledoutandslammedbackintomewithsomuchforceIwould’veslidacrossthecounterhadhishandnotstillgrippedmythroat.“Doesthisfeelfragiletoyou?”
“Mmmph.”Imanagedagarbledreply,buteventhatfadedintoastringofmoanswhenJoshpickedupspeedandsettledintoapunishingrhythm.
Myfirstorgasmhitmelikealightningbolt,sosuddenandexplosiveIdidn’tgetachancetoprocessitbeforethesecondonerolledin.Slower,thenbuildingup,up,upuntilitcrashedovermeanddrownedmewithmind-numbingpleasure.
WhenJoshfinishedwithme,I’dcomesohardsomanytimesIwasabonelesswreck.Icollapsedonthetable,mybodyquiveringwhileherubbedhispalmsovermyassandsoothedtheburnfromhisruthlessspankingearlier.
“Youlooksobeautifullikethis.”Hisgentlevoicewasatcompleteoddswiththeferalwayhe’dfuckedme,butitsettledovermyskinlikeawarmblanket.Hecontinuedrubbingmewithsoftstrokesuntiltheburnfadedandmybreathsreturnedtonormal.
Heturnedmearound,cleanedmeupwithoneofthepapertowelsliningtheshelves,andpulledmydressdownaroundmythighsbeforesittingmeonthetable.
“Feelbetter?”heaskedcasually,likehehadn’tjustdestroyedmeinaclubsupplycloset.
“Uh-huh.”Iwastoodazedtocomeupwithamorecoherentresponse,thoughpartofmerealizedJoshknewallalongwhatthiswas—adistractionI’dgoadedhimintogivingme,ashardashecould.
Hismouthtwitchedwithamusement,thoughhiseyesremainedheavy-liddedwithdesire.“Good.Nowsaygoodbyetoanyfriendsyoucamewith.Ihaveplansforroundtwo,andtheyrequiremorespacethanwepresentlyhave.”
Roundtwo.Right.
Mybrainstillwasn’tfunctioningproperly,butroundtwosoundedgoodtome.
Ishouldspendthefirstnightinmynewapartment,buttheprospectoflyingawakeinmyroom,plaguedwithpanicoverwhattodoaboutMax,seemedlessappealingthaneatingdirt.
MystomachtwistedwhenthoughtsofMaxandhisamorphousfavorcreptbackin,erasingsomeofmyhigh.
No.Tomorrow.I’lldealwithhimtomorrow.
IwaitedafewminutesafterJoshleftbeforeIfinallygatheredthestrengthtostandonmyown.IfixedmyhairandmakeupthebestIcould,butIwasn’tamagician.TherewasnowayIcouldgobackintotheclublookingthewayIdid.
Isentmyfriendsaquicktextinstead,tellingthemI’dmetaguyandIwouldcheckinwiththemlater.Theywereusedtomedoingthisinourcollegedays,sotheydidn’tquestionme.
Isnuckoutofthesupplyclosetandslippedoutthebackexit.
MystomachflutteredwhenIsawJoshwaitingforme,hislean,muscledformsilhouettedagainstthemoonlight.
Thiswascrazy.Iwascrazyforsneakingbehindeveryone’sbackstohookupwithhim.Ididn’tevenliketheguy.
Butlikeandneedweredifferentthings,andrightnow,Ineededwhatonlyhecouldgiveme.
IjusthopedIdidn’tgettooaddictedintheprocess.23JOSH
JulesandIbarelymadeitintomyhousebeforeIwasinsideheragain.
We’dalreadyhadsexoncetonight.Thatshould’vetakentheedgeoffmyneed,butIwasaddictedtothis.Toher.Hertaste,hersmell,thelittlebreathymoanssheletouteverytimeIthrustintoherandthewayherpussyclampedaroundmycocklikeitwasmadeforme.Iwantedallofit,allthetime.
Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dbeenthisravenousoverawoman.Itwould’vebeenconcerninghadIgivenasinglefuck,butIsubscribedtothephilosophythatweshouldenjoythegoodthingswhiletheylasted.AndIwasenjoyingthefuckoutofmyself…withonenotablethorninourencounter.
“Whowastheguy,Red?”IslowedmythrustssoIcouldreachbetweenusandstrokeherclit.Adarksmilecurledmymouthwhenherheadfellbackandherlipspartedatthetouch.
I’dbeendistractedbyJules’sobviousprovocationatHyacinth.NowthatIwashome,somethingclawedatmychestwhenIrememberedthewayheroldfriendbrushedherhairoutofherface.Ithadbeenanintimate,knowingtouch,thekindyouonlygavesomeoneyou’dsleptwith.
GivenJules’sreactionwhenheleft,shehadn’tbeenthrilledtoseehim,butthatdidn’tstoptheirrationalbeastinsidemefromrearingitsuglyhead.
“Whatguy?”shegasped.Shewasamess—hairtousled,lipsswollen,skinslickedwithsweatandmarkedfrommyteeth.
ItwasthemostbeautifulsightI’deverseen.
Iignoredthestrangepanginmychestandloweredmyheaduntilmylipsbrushedhers.“Yourfriendfromtheclub.”
Juleshadn’tprovidedanydetailsotherthantheoldfriendline,andIthoughtthatwouldbeenough.Butitwasanhourlater,andIstillcouldn’tshakemyirritationatseeingthemtogether.
Shestiffened.ShehadherlimbswrappedaroundmewhileIbracedheragainstthelivingroomwall,andIfeltthetensionineverypartofherbody.
“He’swhatyousaid.Afriend.”Shecockedaneyebrow.“Areyoureallytalkingaboutanotherguywhileyou’restillinsideme?”
“I’lldowhateverIlikewhenI’minsideyou.”Ipinchedhernipple,hard,inpunishment.“Howcloseofafriendishe?”
Hereyesglitteredwithamusementevenashermouthpartedatmyroughtouch.“Jealous?”
“Notevenalittlebit.”
ItmirroredourconversationatHyacinth,andlikeattheclub,IscoffedatthesuggestionIwasjealous.Ididn’tgetjealous,especiallynotoverwomen.Peoplegotjealousofme.
“Oneweekintoourpactandyou’realreadybreakingtherules,”Julespurred.“Iexpectedmoreofyou.”
“I’m.Not.Jealous,”Isnarled,emphasizingeachwordwithahardthrustinsideher.
Herbreathhitched.“Could’vefooled—”
JulesletoutamuffledwhineofprotestwhenIclampedmyhandoverhermouth.
“Ionlywanttohearyouwhenyou’rebeggingandcoming,Red.”Ismiledattheindignationinhereyes,butthesmiledisappearedasecondlaterwhensharppainlancedintomypalm.
Iyankeditawaywithashockedhiss.Shefuckingbitme!
“Mybad.”Alazygleamofsatisfactionreplacedherindignation.“Yourhandwasinmyway.”
Agrowlroseinmythroat.Ipinchedhernippleagainuntilsheletoutasharpcry,herfacescrewedinpleasureandpain.
“That’swhatIwanttohear,”Isaid.
Ipickedupspeed,mycockpistoninginandoutofherinapunishingrhythmuntilshelostherwordstoastringofmoansandcameagain.
Jules’sheadfellback,hermouthfallingopeninabreathyscreamfromtheforceofherorgasm.Fuck.Thesensationofhercuntripplingaroundmewastoomuchtotake,andIcamerightafterwithaloudgroan.
Mybloodpumpedwithamixtureoflustandanger,andIsankmyteethintothecurveofherneckwhilethehighfrommyorgasmfaded.Hercinnamonandspicescentfilledmynostrils,druggingmealmostasmuchasthesoundofherdeliciouscries.
“Forsomeonewhoclaimstohatemesomuch,yousurescreamalotforme.”Iliftedmyheadandrubbedmythumboverherblossominghickeywithsatisfaction.
Theprimal,territorialpartofmelovedthatI’dmarkedher.Iwantedtoshoveitinheroldfriend’sfaceanddeclareheroff-limitsunlesshewantedahighlyunpleasantmeetingwithmyfist.
JustbecauseIdidn’tlikeJulesdidn’tmeanIwantedanyoneelsetoseeherlikethis.Bodylanguid,facedrowsywithcontentmentasshestretchedagainstme.Noneofthepricklyarmorsheworeinpublic.
Thiswasasideofheronlyaselectfewgottosee,andnooneelsewasinvitedtothefuckingclub.
“It’sascreamofdisgust,Chen,”shedrawled.“I’msureyou’reusedtothose.”
Iwithdrewfromherandchuckledwhenshealmostcollapsedonthegroundwithoutmeholdingherup.
Sheglaredatme,eyesspittingfire
“Thenitseemsyouhaveadisgustkink,becauseyoucan’tgetenoughofme.”Itossedmycondominthenearbytrashcanandpulledonmypants.“Nomoretonight,Red,orI’llhavetostartchargingperorgasm.Butifyouwantmoreofmycock,Icouldbepersuaded,dependingonhownicelyyoubeg.”
“Fuckyou.”Shesnatchedherdressoffthefloor.
“Hmm,notyourbestwork.Youmightwanttopracticethenicelypart.”
Mychucklemorphedintoafulllaughwhenshestormedpastmetowardthebathroom,herheadheldhigh.
Shewassoeasytorileup.
SinceJuleswastakingforeverandadayintheshower,Iusedtheopportunitytocleanupthemesswe’dmadeinthelivingroom—atoppledcoattree,knocked-overpictureframes.
I’djustfinishingstraighteningupwhenaboomofthundercrackedthesilence.Myheadjerkedup,andIcrossedtothewindowandpulledasidethecurtains.
“Fuck.”
Somehow,thelightdrizzlefromearlierhadexplodedintoafull-blownstorm.Anothercrackofthunderrattledtheoldwoodenbonesofthehouse,andrainlashedagainstthewindowsinsuchthicksheetsitcreatedtiny,fast-flowingriversystemsontheglass.
“What’sgoingon?”
IturnedtoseeJulesfreshoutoftheshower,herhairdamparoundhershouldersandherbodywrappedinatinytowel.
Mycockperkedwithinterest,butIignoredthehornybastard.It’dhadenoughforthenight.Itwastimeformybraintotakethewheel,andmybraintoldmethefasterIgotJulesoutofhere,thebetter.
Unfortunately,Icouldn’tletherleavewhenitwasstorminglikethisoutside.
“Theapocalypsestartedwhilewewerefucking,”Isaid.
Shepeeredovermyshoulderandrolledhereyes.“You’rebeingdramatic.It’salittlerain.”Shefishedherphonefromthetablewhereshe’dleftit.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Callingacar.”Herbrowpuckered.“Thepricesurgewhenitrainsisridiculous—hey!”
IignoredherprotestasIsnatchedthephoneoutofherhand.“Unlessyouhaveadeathwish,youarenotgettinginacarintheseconditions.”
“It’srain,Josh.Water.I’llbefine.”
“Waterthatcarscanslideandgetintoaccidentsin,”Igrowled.“IworkintheER.DoyouknowhowmanycaraccidentcasesIseefromstorms?Alot.”
“You’rebeingparanoid.I’mnot—”
Ourphonesshriekedwithemergencyflashfloodwarningtextalerts.
“That’sit.”Ishovedherphoneintomypocket.“You’restayinguntiltherainletsup.”
Iwouldn’tletanyone,notevenmyworstenemy,gohomeintheseconditions.Thechanceswereslim,butifanythinghappenedtoher…
Mythroatconstricted.
Icouldn’thaveanotherdeathonmyhands.
Julesmust’veseentheconvictioninmyeyes,becauseshesighedinresignation.“CanIatleastborrowsomethingtowearwhileIwait?I’mnotspendingthenextGodknowshowmanyhoursinmyclubdress.”
Halfanhourlater,she’dchangedintooneofmyoldT-shirtsandwe’dsettledonthecouch,arguingoverwhichmovietowatch.
“Tooboring.”
“Toocheesy.”
“Nohorror.Ihatehorror.”
“That’sakid’smovie,Red.”
“So?Kid’smoviescanbegood.”
“Yeah.Ifyou’reafuckingkid.”
Julesrespondedwithasweetsmile.“Funnyyoushouldsaythat,consideringhowhardyoucriedwatchingTheLionKing.Lastyear.”
Iscowled.Ava.HowmanytimesdidIhavetotellhernottoshareeverysinglefuckingthingaboutmewithherfriends?
“Mufasadidn’tdeservetodie,okay?”Isnapped.“AtleastI’mnotsuchawussIhidebehindmyhandseverytimetheposterforahorrormoviepopsup.”
“I’mnotawuss.Ijustdislikeuglythings,whichiswhyItrynottolookatyou—don’tyoudareputTheRingon!”
“Tryandstopme.”
Aftermoreuselessbickering,wefinallysettledonthefairestwaytochoose—byclosingoureyesandscrollinguntilwehittheluckyselection.
Itwas…FindingNemo.
You’vegottabeshittingme.
Ikeptmyexpressionneutral,butmymuscleslockedwithtensionasthemovie’sopeningsceneunfurled.
“Whyareyousoquiet?”Julesslidasidelongglanceinmydirection.“Don’ttellmeyoudon’tlikethismovieeither.It’saclassic.”
Adozenexcusessatonthetipofmytongue,butthetruthsweptpastallofthemandspilledoutbeforeIcouldstopit.“Thiswasmeandmydad’sfavoritemovie,”Isaidshortly.“Wewatchediteveryyearonmybirthday.Tradition.”
Jules’sfacesoftenedforthefirsttimethatnight.“Wecanwatchsomethingelse.”
“Nah,we’regood.It’sjustamovie.”
Onscreen,MarlintheclownfishpursuedtheboatthathadcapturedhissonNemotonoavail.
ItwasironicthatamovieaboutarolemodelparentwastheonethatremindedmemostofMichael,consideringhewastheexactoppositeofagoodparent
“FindingNemoisfishpropaganda,”Julessaidoutofnowhere.“Didyouknowreal-lifefishareterribleparents?Mostfishspeciesarehappytoabandontheirnewbornstofendforthemselves.It’snotworththeenergyandriskforthemtotryandprotecttheiroffspring.”
Astartledlaughescapedme.“Howdoyouknowthat?”
“Ididareportonitinhighschool.IgotanA,”Julesaddedwithpride
Isuppressedanothersmile.“Ofcourseyoudid.”MylegbrushedagainstherswhenIshiftedpositions,andatinyelectriczingshotupmythighbeforeIyankeditaway.“Whatdoesyourdaddo?”Iasked,tryingtocoverupmyknee-jerkreaction.
Partofmewasalsogenuinelycurious.Julesnevertalkedaboutherfamily.
Sheshrugged.“Noidea.HeleftwhenIwasababy.”
“Shit.I’msorry.”Waytostepintoit,Chen.
“It’sfine.FromwhatIhear,hewasanassholeanyway.”
“Childrenofassholefathersunite,”Iquipped,earningmyselfasmalllaugh.
Wefellintoacomfortablesilenceaswewatchedthemovie.Ionlyhalfpaidattentiontowhatwashappeningonscreen;theotherhalfwasbusygaugingJules’sreactionstomyfavoritescenes.HerlaughwhenMarlinmetDory,hergaspwhenthesharkstartedchasingthepair,herhummingalongtoDory’sfamousjustkeepswimmingmantra.
Shemust’veseenthemoviealready,butshereactedlikeitwasherfirsttime.Itwasoddlycharming.
IdraggedmyeyesbacktothescreenFocus.
ItwasonlywhenwenearedtheendofthefilmthatIrealizedtherainhadstopped.IcheckedonJulestofindherpassedoutwithherheadnestledagainstthethrowpillowonherotherside.
Oneofourruleswasnosleepovers,butshelookedsopeacefulIcouldn’tbringmyselftowakeherup.
Itwasonlyonenight,andtheweatherhadforcedhertostayover.Itwasn’tlikeweweregoingtomakeahabitofstayingovereachother’splaces.
Justonenight.That’sit.24JULES
Iwoketothescentofbaconandcoffee,myfavoritesmellintheworld.Individually,theywereamazing,butcombined?Utterperfection.
IwassurprisedStellawascookingbacon,though.Sheonlyatemeatonceinabluemoon.NowthatIthoughtaboutit,shedidn’tdrinkcoffee,either,justteaandhercriminallygrassygreensmoothies.
Weird.Maybeshewasenteringanewcoffeeandmeatphase.
Iopenedmyeyesandstretched,readytobaskinthegloryofmybeautifulnewroomatTheMirage.Instead,Iwasgreetedwiththeworld’smosthideouspainting.Themessofbrownandgreenlookedlikeaherdofcatshadvomitedonit.
Whatthehell?
Ishotupstraight,myheartpoundingwithpanicuntilbitsandpiecesfromlastnightslowlycamebacktome.
Hyacinth.Max.Josh.Storm.
Imust’vefallenasleepduringthemovie,andJoshmust’vemovedmeintohisroomsometimeduringthenight.
Myheartrateslowed.ThankGodIwasn’tinsomepsychomurderer’ssexdungeon,thoughIwasn’tsuresleepingoverJosh’splacewasmuchbetter.
Ilookedaroundhisroom,takinginthesimplewoodenfurniture,navycomforter,andlightgraywalls.Atrociousartaside,itlookedlikearegularguy’sroom,thoughthefaintscentofcitrusandsoaplingeringintheairwassodeliciousIwantedtobottleitupforfutureenjoyment.
Myeyeslandedonthedigitalclockonthenightstand.9:32a.m.Shit.Ishould’vebeenlonggonebynow.
IclimbedoutofbedandquicklywashedmyfaceandrinsedmymouthinthebathroomacrossthehallbeforeIwalkedintothekitchen.Iopenedmymouth,readytobidJoshahastygoodbye,butmywordsdiedatthesightbeforeme.
Joshwascooking.Shirtless.
Holyhell.
IthinkIjustunlockedanewkink,becauseIsuddenlycouldn’timagineanythingsexierthanwatchingamancookbare-chested.
Thesculptedmusclesofhisbackflexedashereachedforthesaltnexttothestove.Hishairwasevenmoretousledthanusual,andthesunlightstreamingthroughthewindowsgildedhisskinwithadeepbronzeglow.Asliverofblacksweatspeekedoverthekitchenislandblockingthebottomhalfofhisbody.ThepantsrodejustlowenoughtosendmyimaginationspiralinginallsortsofX-rateddirections.
Iwatchedhiminsilence,fascinatedbytheeasygracewithwhichhemoved.I’dpicturedhimsubsistingonpizzaandbeerlikehehadinschool,butjudgingbythegleamingpotsandpanshangingonhooksovertheislandandtheneatlylabeledspiceslineduponthecounter,heknewhiswayaroundthekitchen.
Itwasstrangelyattractive.
Iknockedintooneoftheislandstoolsinmytrance,andJoshturnedatthesharpscrapeofwoodagainsttile.Hisgazeskimmedovermebeforehelookedaway.
“You’reawake.”
“I’veneversleptinsolate.”Islidontothestoolandtriedtokeepmyeyesabovehiswaist.Don’tthinkaboutsex.Don’tthinkaboutsex.“Thanksforlettingmestayover,”Iaddedawkwardly.
Sleepovershadn’tbeenpartofourpact,andIwasn’tsurehowtodealwithit,especiallyafterhow,ahem,aggressiveournighttimeactivitieshadbeen.
Itwasn’tlikewe’dmadelong,sweetloveandIwoketohimcookingmebreakfast.Itwasmorelike…well,likehefuckedmybrainsoutandathunderstormtrappedmeinhishouse.
“Iwasn’tgoingtothrowyououtintherain,Red.”Joshslidaplatepiledhighwitheggs,bacon,toast,andcrispyhashbrownsontotheisland.
Mystomachrumbled,andIpeekedoverhisshoulderatthestove.“Anychanceyouhaveasecondplate?”Iaskedhopefully.“I’mstarving.”
“Nope.”Hepoppedapieceofbaconinhismouth.“Onlymadeenoughforone.Cookingbreakfastforyouwouldbetoomuchlikedating,andyoualreadybroketherulesbysleepingover.Ihadtosleeponthecouchlastnightbecauseofyou.Youcanhavemyleftoversthough.”
Myjawunhinged.“Areyouserious?”
Disbelieferasedthelastbitsofmygrogginess.Obviously,Iwasn’tentitledtobreakfast,butitwasprettyrudetoeatrightinfrontofmewithoutofferingmeaplate.
“DoesitlooklikeI’mjoking?”
“Itlookslikeyou’retwosecondsawayfromaslow,painfuldeath,”Igrowled.“Thereareplentyofknivesinhere,andIknowhowtousethem.”
“Thenusethemtocooksomethingforyourself.”Joshcontinuedeatinglikehedidn’thaveacareintheworld.
Myeyetwitched.Gah,hewasso…so…ugh!
“Youaresuchanasshole.”
“Irememberyoucallingmethesamethinglastnight.”Hesippedhiscoffee.“RightbeforeIfuckedyourbrainsout.Seemsyouhaveathingforassholes,Red.”
Heatscaldedmyfaceandneck.“Thatwaslastnight.Thisisnow.AndIdidn’tmeantosleepover,”Isnapped,hatinghowrighthewas.“Ijustfellasleep.”
“Yes,that’swhatsleepingovermeans,”Joshsaidslowly.“Withthosereasoningskills,you’llbewinningcourtcasesinnotime.”Hestraightenedandwipedhismouthwithanapkinbeforetossingitinthetrash.“I’mtakingashower.Ihaveashiftinanhour.”Hetippedhischintowardhisplate.“Haveatitifyouwant.”
Iscowledathisretreatingback.
MypridedemandedIleave,butasalways,myhungeroverrodeall.
Ipulledtheplatetowardmeandrealizeditwasnearfull.He’donlyeatenafewpiecesofbacon.Weird.Joshusuallyatelikeahorse.Ioncesawhimmowdownadoubledeckerburger,largefries,twohotdogs,andachocolatemilkshakeinlessthantwentyminutes.
Foradoctor,heatelikecrap.
IfinishedhalftheplateandreturnedtoJosh’sroomtochangebackintomyclothesfromlastnight.MydresswashorriblyuncomfortablecomparedtothesoftnessofJosh’sshirt,butIresistedtheurgetostealhisclothesformyself.Thatwasgirlfriendbehavior,andGodknewIwasn’thisgirlfriend.
BythetimeIwasreadytoleave,Joshstillhadn’tgottenoutoftheshower.
IdebatedwaitingforhimsoIcouldsaybye,butthatfelttooawkward,soIsenthimaquicktextandslippedoutquietlyinstead.
I’djustclimbedintomyUberwhenanewmessagepoppeduponmyscreen.
Notext,justanimage.Astillimagefromthetape,tobeexact.Iwasonmykneeswhile—
Iquicklydeletedit,butthebaconandeggsIateearlierresurfacedinmythroat.
Max.
I’dpushedhimtothebackofmymindwhileIwaswithJosh,butnow,myanxietyfromlastnightrushedbackinawaveofnausea.
Iknewexactlywhyhesentthatpicture.Tofuckwithmyheadandremindmeofhisdark,loomingpresenceinmylife.ThatwashisM.O.Helikedtotoywithpeopleuntiltheydrovethemselvesinsaneanddidallthehardworkforhim.
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtorelax,butthecarsmelledlikeoverlysweetairfresheneranditmademegagevenmore.
IwishedIcouldrewindtimeandfreezeitsoIstayedinthecomfortingoblivionofJosh’shouseforever,buttherewasnohidingfromthetruthintheharshlightofday.
Icouldonlyhopethatwhatever“favor”Maxaskedofmewasdoable…ormylifeasIknewitwouldbeover.25JOSH
DidIwaituntilJulesleftbeforeIsteppedoutoftheshowerlikeacoward?Possibly.
ButI’dratherbeacowardthandealwiththeawkwardmorningaftergoodbye.Ourarrangementwassupposedtoeliminatethatawkwardnessbysettingclearboundariesandexpectations,butofcourse,theweatherhadtofuckitalluponourfirstnight.
IfIevermadeittoheaven,Iwasgoingtohavealong,hardtalkwithGodabouttiming.
IwasstillirritatedwithmyselfforlettingJulessleepoverwhenIarrivedatthehospital,butthechaosintheERquicklywipedawayanythoughtsofmypersonallife.
Strokes.Knifewounds.Brokenarmsandlegsandnosesandeverythinginbetween.Theyfloodedtheemergencyroominanunceasing,back-to-backwave,andtheworkweekfollowingHyacinthwassoinsaneIhadzerotimetoagonizeovermysexpactwithmylittlesister’sbestfriend.
JulesandIdidsqueezeinafewquickies,noneofwhichendedinasleepoverorcuddling,thankGod.Butforthemostpart,itwasallwork,allthetime.
Mostpeoplewouldhateworkingsuchlonghours,butIcravedthestimulation—untilIhitoneofThoseDays.
Ihadgooddays,baddays,andThoseDays—capitalT,capitalD—intheER.ThegooddayswerewhenIwalkedawayknowingI’dmadetherightinterventionsattherighttimetosavesomeone’slife.Thebaddaysrangedfrompatientstryingtoassaultmetoamasscasualtyincidentwhenonlyme,myattendingphysician,andafewnurseswereonduty.
ThentherewereThoseDays.Theywerefewandfarinbetween,butwhentheyhappened?
Theyweredevastating.
TheunendingflatlineofthemonitordrilledintomyskullandmixedwiththeroarinmyearsasIstareddownatmypatient’sclosedeyesandpaleskin
Tanya,seventeenyearsold.She’dbeendrivinghomewhenadrunkdriverT-bonedhercar.
I’ddoneallIcould,butitwasn’tenough.
Shewasdead.
Oneminuteshewasalive,thenextshewasgone.Justlikethat.
Mybreathsrushedoutinraggedpants.Afterwhatfeltlikeaneternitybutwas,inreality,aminuteatmost,IliftedmyheadtofindClaraandthetechsstaringbackatme,theirexpressionsgrim.AfaintsheenshoneinClara’seyes,andoneofthetechsaudiblyswallowed.
Noonespoke.
“Timeofdeath:3:16p.m.”Thatwasmyvoice,butitsoundedstrange,likeitwascomingfromsomeoneelse.
Afteramomentofsilence,Iwalkedout.Downthehall,aroundthecorner,andtowardthedesignatedrelatives’roomwhereTanya’sparentswaited.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
Everythingsoundedmuffledexceptfortheechoofmyfootstepsagainstthelinoleumfloors.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
I’dlostsomeoneintheERbefore.Duringmyfirstyearofresidency,Itreatedapatientwho’dbeenshotinthechestduringarandomdrive-by.He’dsuccumbedtohisinjurieswithinminutesofarrivingatthehospital.
TherewasnothingIcould’vedone;he’dbeentoofargone.Butthatdidn’tstopmefromwalkingoutofthetraumabay,intoabathroom,andthrowingup.
Everydoctorlostapatienteventually,andeverydeathhithard,butTanya’ssockedmerightinthegut.
MaybeitwasbecauseI’dbeensoconfidentshewouldpullthrough.Ormaybeitwasbecauseshebarelyhadthechancetolivelifebeforedeathsnatcheditsocruellyfromher.
Whateveritwas,Icouldn’tstopadestructiveswarmofwhatifsfromcrowdingmybrain.
WhatifI’dmadeadifferentcallduringthetreatmentprocess?WhatifI’dreachedherearlier?WhatifIwereabetterdoctor?
Whatif,whatif,whatif.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
Mystepsfalteredforasecondoutsidetherelatives’roombeforemyhandclosedaroundthedoorknobandtwisted.ItwaslikeIwaswatchingamovieofmyself—Iwashere,butnotreally.
Tanya’sparentsjumpedupwhentheysawme,theirfacesdrawntightwithworry.Aminutelater,theworryexplodedintohorror.
“I’msorry…dideverythingwecould…”
Ikepttalking,tryingtosoundsympatheticandprofessional,tosoundanythingbutnumb,butIbarelyheardmyownwords.Ionlyheardthemother’skeeningwailandthefather’sangryshoutsofdenial,whichcollapsedintoshudderingcriesofgriefashegatheredhiswifeintohisarms.
EachsounddroveaphantomspikethroughmychestuntilIwassolitteredwiththemIcouldn’tbreathe.
“Mybaby.Notmybaby,”Tanya’smomsobbed.“She’shere.She’sstillhere.Iknowsheis.”
“I’msosorry,”Irepeated.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
Notmyfootsteps,butthethunderingofabrokenheart.
ImaintainedmystoicmaskuntilIranoutofuselesswordsandleftthefamilytotheirgrief.Ihadadozenotherpatientstotreat,butIneededaminute,justoneminute,tomyself.
IquickenedmystepsuntilIreachedthenearestbathroom.Thenumbnessspreadfrommychesttomylimbs,butwhenIclosedthedoorbehindme,thesoftclickofthelockslidingintoplaceunleashedasharpsobthatrippedthroughtheair.
Ittookmeseveralsecondstorealizeitcamefromme.
Thepressurebuildingbehindmyribcagefinallyexploded,andIdoubledoverthesink,dryheavinguntilmyearsrangandmythroatwasraw.
Tanya’slifelessbodyonthestretcher.Avaintheemergencyroomaftershealmostdrowned.Mymom’sopen,emptyeyesaftersheoverdosedonpills.
Thememoriesrantogetherinamacabrestream.
Igaggedagain,butIhadn’teatensinceIstartedmyshifteighthoursagoandnothingcameout.
Bythetimemydryheavesfaded,sweatclungtomyskinandmyheadpoundedwithtension.
Iturnedonthefaucetandsplashedmyfacewithcoldwaterbeforepapertowelingoffthemoisture.Theroughbrownmaterialscratchedagainstmyskin,andwhenIcaughtmyreflectioninthemirror,IsawafaintreddishmarkfromwhereI’drubbeditagainstmycheek.
Faintpurplesmudgesbeneathmyeyes,sallowcomplexion,whitelinesoftensionbracketingmymouth.Ilookedlikehell.
God,Ineededastrongdrink.Or,betteryet,avacationwithseveralstrongdrinks.
Isetmyjawandtossedthecrumpledpapertowelintothetrash.BythetimeIreturnedtothemainfloor,I’dfixedmyprofessionalmaskbackinplace.
Ididn’thavetheluxuryofwallowingingrieforself-pity.Ihadajobtodo.
“Hithere.”Ismiledatmynextpatientandheldoutmyhand.“I’mDr.Chen…”
Therestofmyshiftpassedwithoutanymajorincidents,butIcouldn’tshakemyclammyskinorerraticheartbeat
“Areyouokay?”ClaraaskedwhenIclockedout.
“Yep.”Iavoidedhersympatheticgaze.“Seeyoutomorrow.”
Ididn’tgiveherachancetorespondbeforeIheadedtothelockerroom.Iusuallyshoweredathome,butIwasdesperatetowashthebloodoff.Itstucktomyskin,thickandcloying,invisibletoeveryoneexceptme.
Isqueezedmyeyesshutandstayedbeneaththewateruntilitrancoldandadeepchillsettledintomybones.Normally,Icouldn’twaittoleavethebuildingafterashift,butrightnow,nothingsoundedworsethanbeingalone.
Myfriendswereallworking,anditwastooearlytogotoabar,whichleftmewithoneremainingoption.
Itoweledoff,gotdressed,andfishedmyphoneoutofmyjeanspockettotextJulesonlytofindamessagealreadywaitingfromher,senttwentyminutesago.
Jules:Youoffworkyet?
Me:Justgotout.
Me:Whereareyou?
ItwasTuesday,soshewasn’tworkingattheclinictoday.
Jules:SciLi,intheback.
Reliefrattledmylungs.Thatwaswithinwalkingdistance.
Me:Don’tmove.Bethereinfifteen26JOSH
ThehospitalwasrightnexttoThayer’scampus,soitdidn’ttakemelongtoreachthesciencelibrary,formallychristenedtheGeorgeHancockLibraryafteralong-deaddonorandinformallyknownasSciLi.Itwasahiddengemtuckedonthethirdfloorofthebiologybuilding.WhereasFulton,theschool’smainlibrary,wasalwayspackedduringexamtime,SciLiwasquietyear-round.
ThewalkgavemetimetopushlingeringthoughtsofTanya’sdeathtothebackofmymind.Beingoutsidethehospitalandsurroundedbysmiling,chatteringstudentsmadeiteasier.ItwaslikeI’dsteppedontoamoviesetwhereIcouldpretendtobethepersonIwantedtobeinsteadofthepersonIwas.
WhenIarrivedatSciLi,therewereonlyahandfulofstudentsscatteredthroughoutthespace.Wallsofbooksstretchedtwostoriestowardthedouble-heightceiling,interruptedonlybymassivestained-glasswindowssetatregularintervals.Theglowfromthegreenglassdesklampsmingledwiththesunlighttocastawarm,hazyglowoverthehushedsanctum.
ThethickemeraldcarpetmuffledmyfootstepsasIwalkedtowardtheback,whereJulessatbyherself.
“Workinghard,Isee,”IsaidwhenIreachedher.Atallstackoftextbookssatnexttoherever-presentcaramelmocha,andloosesheetsofnotesandindexcardscoveredeveryinchoftheoaksurface.
“Someonehasto.”Sheraisedherhead,andalarmpinchedmychestwhenInoticedherpuffy,redeyes.
“Wereyoucrying?”
Whatthefuckweretheydoingoveratthelawschool?Iwasprettysurestudymaterialsweren’tsupposedtomakesomeonecryunlesstheyweretearsoffrustration,andJuleswasn’tthetypetoloseitoveracademicstress.
“No.”Shetappedherhighlighteragainsthernotebook.“Ihaveallergies.”
“That’sbullshit.”
Wekeptourvoiceslowsincewewereinalibrary,buteveryonewassozonedoutandweweresofarfromthenearestpersonitdidn’tmattermuch.
Jules’stappingpickedupspeed.“Whydoyoucare?Icalledyouforsex,notaheart-to-heart.”
“Idon’tcare.”Idroppedintothechairnexttoherandloweredmyvoicefurther.“ButI’drathernotfuckacryingwomanunlessyou’recryingfrompleasure.Anyotherkindoftearsisaturnoff.”
“Charming.”
“WouldyouratherIgetturnedonbyothers’distress?”Islippedintoourbanterwithshockingease,consideringmydayintheER,butwhenIwasaroundJules,everythingelseceasedtoexist.
Forbetterorforworse.
“Idon’thavetheenergytoarguewithyoutoday,okay?”shesnapped,hervoicelackingsomeofitsusualfire.“Eitherfuckmeorleave.”
Mybriefflareofgoodhumorevaporated.Normally,Iwouldn’thesitatetotakeheruponherofferofsex,buttodaywasn’tnormal.
“Newsflash,Red,you’renottheonlyonewhohasshittyweeks,sostopactinglikeyou’resofuckingspecial,”Isaidcoldly.“Thisisamutuallybeneficialarrangement.Itdoesn’tmeanyoucancallmeandexpectmetocomerunningtoserviceyourneedslikeafuckinggigolo.”
“That’snotwhatI’mdoing.”
“Could’vefooledme.”
Weglaredateachother,theairbetweenuscracklingwiththinlyveiledfrustrationbeforeJules’sshouldersslumpedandshedroppedherhighlightertorubherface.
Myirritationfizzledatthesimpleaction.Iblewoutalongbreath,unabletokeepupwiththeday’swildrollercoasterofemotions.
“Baddayatwork?”sheasked.
Mylaughlackedhumor.“Youcouldsaythat.”
Ididn’ttalkaboutthedownsidesofmyworkunlessitwaswithsomeoneelseinthefield.Nothingbroughtdownthemoodfasterthansayinghey,sosomeonediedonmywatchtoday.
Butthepressurefromearlierwasbuildinginmychestagain,andIneededtorelieveitbeforeitdrovemecrazy.
“Ilostsomeonetoday.”Ileanedbackinmychairandstaredattheceiling,unabletofaceJulesasIadmittedmyfailure.“Shewasseventeen.Gothitbyadrunkdriver.”
Itfeltweirdsayingthewordsoutloud.Ilostsomeone.Itsoundedsogeneric.Peoplelosttoysandhousekeys;theydidn’tloselives.Theyhadliveswrenchedfromthem,stolenbythecruelhandsofanunforgivinggod.
Butthatdidn’trolloffthetonguequiteasnicely,Isupposed.
Asofthandcoveredmyown.Istiffenedandkeptmyeyesontheceiling,buttheknotinmychestloosenedasmidge.
“I’msosorry,”Julessaidsoftly.“Ididn’t—Ican’timagine…”
“It’sfine.I’madoctor.Ithappens.”
“Josh—”
“Andyou?”Iinterrupted,twistingmyheadtolookather.“Whathappened?Don’tgivemethatbullaboutallergiesagain,either.”
“Idohaveallergies.”Severalbeatspassedbeforesheadmitted,“It’spossibleI’llhaveto…dosomethingI’mnotproudof.IpromisedmyselfIwouldneverdoitagain,butImightnothaveachoice.Ijust…”Ahardswallowshiftedthedelicatelinesofherthroat.“Idon’twanttobethatperson.”
Itwasvagueashell,butherdistresswaspalpableandseepedthroughmyskinintoplacesithadnobusinesstouching.
“I’msureit’snotasbadasyouthinkitis,”Isaid.“Aslongasyoudidn’tmurderanyoneorsetanythingonfire.”
“Wow.Thebarreallyisinhell.”
Asmallsmiletouchedmylipsforthefirsttimethatday.“Atleastit’swarmdownthere.”
Julessnortedoutalaugh.“IfonlyIhadyouroptimism.”
“Youcanonlywish.”Iangledmyheadtowardthesmallreferencelibrarylocatedoffthemainlibrary.“So,stillwanttofuck?”
Nothingturnedacrappydayaroundlikeagoodfuck.
Plus,betweenherinadvertentsleepoverandthebriefloweringofourguardsjustnow,wewereedgingtoofarfromtherulesofourpact.Itwastimetobringitbacktowhatitwassupposedtobeabout:sex.Quick,transactional,andmutuallysatisfying.
JudgingbytherigidlinesofJules’sneckandshoulders,sheneededaphysicalreleaseasmuchasIdid.
Sherespondedbygatheringhernotesandstuffingtheminherbackpack.Welefthertextbooksonthetable—Ihighlydoubtedanyonewouldwanttostealatomeoncorporatelaw—andwalkedascasuallyaswecouldintothereferencesection.
Iledustooneofthestacksthatdidn’tfallunderthegazeofthesecuritycamerasbeforeIpinnedhertotheshelvesandmoldedmymouthtohers.Itstartedchaste,almostclinical—awayforustoforgetourtroublesandnothingelse.
ButIcouldn’tstopthinkingabouthowexhaustedshe’dlooked,orhowcomfortingherhandhadbeenovermine,andbeforeIknewit,thekisssoftenedintosomethingmore…nottender,exactly.Butunderstanding.
Itwasourfirstnon-angrykiss,anditfeltnicerthanIexpected.
IcuppedherfaceandtracedmytongueovertheseamofJules’slipsuntilsheopenedforme.God,shetastedincredible,likeheatandspiceandsugarallrolledintoone.
I’dalwaysbeenachocolateguy,butcinnamonwasfastbecomingmynewfavoriteflavor.
Herarmssnakedaroundmyneck,andhersoftsighwhispereddownmyspineandsettledsomewherelowinmystomach.
“Thinkwecanforgetaboutourshittyweekforawhile?”shewhispered.
Fierceprotectivenesswelledinmychestatthetouchofvulnerabilityinhervoice,butIforceditbackdown.
Wewereonlytogetherforsex.Anythingelsewasoffthetable.
“Sweetheart,inafewminutes,you’llforgetyourownname.”
Isanktomyknees,mymouthtippingupatthesurpriseinhereyes.Ourlastfewtimeshadbeenroughanddeliciouslyfilthy,buttoday,Iwasinthemoodforadifferentkindoffeast.
Ihookedmyfingersinthewaistbandofherunderwearandpulledthemdownbeneathherskirt.“Mightwanttocoveryourmouth,Red.”
ThatwastheonlywarningIgavebeforeIspreadherthighsanddivedin,alternatingbetweengentlelicksandlong,hardpullsonhersweetlittleclit.
Igroaned.Shetastedevenbetterdownhere.Mostwomenthoughtmenwantedthemtotastelikeberriesorlavenderorwhatever,butifwewereeatingpussy,wewantedtotastepussy.Thatwasthewholefuckingpoint.
JulesfistedmyhairwithonehandwhenIpushedtwofingersinsideher.IpumpedtheminandoutslowlywhileIcontinuedteasingherclit.Itwasswollenandtender,andwhenIgrazedmyteethagainstit,hersoftcryarrowedstraighttomycock.
IforcedmyselftokeeptherhythmsoftforawhilelongerbeforeIincreasedthepaceandintensity,suckingandfingerfuckingheruntilherarousaldrippeddownmyhandandherthighs.Ilappeditallup,drunkfromthetasteofher.Forgetfoodandwater.IcouldsubsistonJulesforever.
Ipulledmyfingersoutreplacedthemwithmytongue,eagerformore.
Julesshookaroundme.Shefistedmyhairharderwithamuffledcry,andasecondlater,herjuicesfloodedmytongue.
Fuck.
Mysensesswamwithherscent,andwhenshesquirmed,tryingtoinchawayfromme,Igrippedherhipsandforcedhertoremainstill.
“Josh…”Mynamefelloutasawhimper,alsomuffled.
MybloodsurgedwhenIliftedmyheadandsawshe’dclampedherfreehandoverhermouthtosoftenhermoans.Theprettiestroseshadedhercheeks,andtearsglitteredinhereyesfromthesuppressedforceofherorgasm.
Mycockthreatenedtopunchaholethroughmyjeans.Ilovedhearinghersweetscreams,buttherewasalsosomethingsofuckinghotaboutseeingsomeoneholdbackwhenyouknewalltheywantedwastoexplode.
“I’mnotdoneyet,Red.”Igaveherclitanotherlanguorouslick.“Youdon’twanttointerruptamanbeforehe’sfinishedeating,doyou?”
Julesrespondedwithanothermoan.
Ireturnedtomymeal,lickingandsuckingandtonguefuckingherwithabandon.BythetimeIwasdone,IhadtoholdherupwithonearmasIrosetomyfeet.
Iwipedmymouthwiththebackofmyhandandsavoredthelingeringtasteofher.Mybloodpoundedwitharousal.
Iwishedwehadtimeforanotherround,butwewerealreadypushingourluck.Noonehadstumbledonus,butthesmellofsexpermeatedtheair,anditwouldn’ttakeanerrantpasserbytopiecetwoandtwotogether.
“I’vealwayswantedtodefilethelibrary,”Julesmumbled,clingingtomeinawaysheneverwould’veoutsidesex.
Alaughbubbledinmythroat.“Defilemightbetoostrongaword,thoughIsuspectthey’drevokemylibraryaccessifanyonefindsoutwhathappened.”
Mycockpulsed,eagerforitsturn,butwhenshereachedformybeltbuckle,Igraspedherwristandplaceditbackbyherside.
Confusioncreasedherbrow.“But—”
“I’lltakecareofitlater.Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Josh,thatlookspainful.”
Itwaspainful.Iwassoharditwasfuckingexcruciating.Butasickpartofmereveledinit.
ThepainremindedmeIwasstillalive.
“Youneedareleasetoo,”Julespointedout,andIknewshewasn’tjusttalkingaboutanorgasm.
“I’lltakecareofit,”Irepeated.WalkingoutwithabonerthesizeoftheWashingtonMemorialwouldbeawkwardasfuck,buttheotherpeopleinthelibraryhadlookedsozonedoutIwasn’tsurethey’dnotice.“Don’twanttopushourluck.”
“Right.”Sheclosedhereyes,herbreathsslowing.
Lazysilenceswirledintheair.
Todaywasacompleteone-eightyfromthetypeofsexweusuallyhad,butsometimesyouneededhardandfast;othertimesyouneededlongandlanguid.
Besides,IcouldeatJulesoutfordaysandnotgettiredofit.
Myeyeslingeredonherdelicatefeaturesandrosyflushforasecondlongerthantheyshould’ve.
Onimpulse,Isaid,“YouwanttogowithmesomewherenextSaturday?It’snotadate,”Iclarifiedwhenhereyespoppedopen.“Thehospitalishavingitsannualall-staffpicnicandIknowthenurseswilltrytosetmeupliketheydoeveryyear.FiguredI’dpreemptitbybringingafakedate.”Iemphasizedthewordfake
Jules’sbrowsrose.“That’sagainsttherulesofourarrangement.”
Yeah,Ifuckingknew.Iwasn’tsurewhatpossessedmetoaskherwhenIcould’vebroughtanynumberofcasualfemaleacquaintances,butreasonflewoutthewindowwheneverJulesAmbrosewasinvolved.
Itwasdamninfuriating,butsinceIcouldn’tdoanythingaboutit,Imightaswellleanintoit.
“Rulesaremeanttobebent.”Ishrugged.“Look,ifyoueverneedsomeonetopretendtobeyourdate,I’mgame.It’seasierthanaskingsomerandomperson.”
WhenJulescontinuedtohesitate,Iadded,“There’llbefreefood.”
Abeatpassedbeforeshesaid,“Icouldmakeitwork.”
“Good.I’lltextyouthedetailslater.”Iturnedtoleave,buthersoft,tentativevoicestoppedme.
“Josh.Areyougoingtobeokay?”
Istilled.AstrangelumpformedinmythroatatherunexpectedconcernbeforeIswallowedit.“Yeah.I’llbefine.”Ithrewheraquicksmileovermyshoulder.“SeeyounextSaturday,Red.”
AfterIleftthelibrary—wherenoonenoticedmyhard-on,thankGod—IwentstraighthomeandpouredmyselfaglassofMacallan.Theshitwasexpensive,butit’dbeenabirthdaygiftfromAlex.I’drationeditoutovertheyears,savingitformybiggestcelebrationsandshittiestdays.
Ifinishedmyfirstglassandpouredmyselfasecondone.Ididn’ttouchmyerection.Instead,Isatinmylivingroomandleanedmyheadbackagainstthecouch,listeningtothesilence.
SeeingJuleshadprovidedasurprisingmeasureofcomfort,butthemomentarylightnessI’dexperiencedinthelibraryhadalreadydrainedaway.
Itossedbacktherestofmydrinkandsavoredtheburnofwhiskeyslidingdownmythroat.
Inthatmoment,itwastheonlythingkeepingmewarm.27JULES
Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutJoshorwhathappenedinthelibrary.Notonlythepartwherehewentdownonme—thoughI’dreplayedthatparticularexperiencemoretimesthanIcouldcount—butthelookonhisfacewhenhetoldmehispatientdied.Thewayhe’dkissedme,softyetdesperate,likehecravedcomfortbutcouldn’tbringhimselftoaskforit.Andthewayhe’dlookedwhenheleft,likeheboretheweightoftheworldonhisshoulders.
TheywerethoughtsIshouldn’thave.Therewasnoroomfortheminourarrangement,butthatdidn’tstopthemfromoccupyingspaceinmyheadrent-free
“Stopit,Jules,”IorderedasIwalkedtowardtheparkwherethehospital’sall-staffpicnictookplace.“Getittogether.”
Anearbyfamilygavemeastrangelookandquickenedtheirstepsuntiltheypassedme.
Great.NowIwastalkingtomyselfandscaringoffparentsandchildren.
IreleasedadeepsighandtriedtotametheflutterofnervesinmystomachwhenInearedtheparkentrance.
Itwasapicnic,forGod’ssake.Ionlyagreedtocomebecausetherewasfreefood,andIneverturneddownfreefood.Itwasn’tlikeitwasarealdate.
Abreezesweptpastandblewmydressuparoundmywaist.
“Shit!”Ihastilypusheddownthebillowingcotton,alreadyregrettingmyoutfitchoice.Itwasfinallywarmenoughfordressesagain,butmyweatherapphadfuckedmeoveronceagainandfailedtomentionhowwindyitwas.I’llhavetospendtheentiredayholdingdownmyskirtunlessIwantedeveryoneatThayerHospitaltofindoutwhatcolorunderwearIwore.
“Flashingpeoplealready?Wehaven’tevengottenyoudrunkyet.”Josh’slazydrawldriftedintomyears.
Ilookeduptofindhimleaningagainsttheentrance,armsfoldedacrosshischest.Therewasnotraceofthetensionandgriefthatlinedhisfaceinthelibrary.Instead,aslygrindimpledhischeeks,andafaintglowofamusementlithiseyesastheyskimmedovermefromheadtotoe.
Reliefkindledinmychest.CockyJoshwasapaininmyass,butforreasonsI’drathernotexamine,Ipreferredhimbeingapaintobeinginpain.
“Thisisafamilypicnic,Chen,”IsaidasIapproachedhim.“Noalcoholallowed.”
“Sincewhendidyoubecomesuchaprude?”HegavemybraidalighttugandlaughedwhenIswattedhishandaway.“Braid,flats,whitedress.”Hissecond,slowerperusaltriggeredanothercascadeoffluttersthatfilledmychestandtickledthebaseofmythroat.Maybeoneofthekinddoctorsatthepicniccouldperformanimpromptucheckup,becausemyinternalorganswereclearlymalfunctioning.“WhoareyouandwhathaveyoudonetoRed?”
“It’scalledaversatilewardrobe.You’dknowifyouhadtaste.”Ireturnedhisscrutinywithapointedoneofmyown,thoughinhindsight,thatwasabadidea.
Ashort-sleevedgreenshirtstretchedacrossthemuscledridgeofJosh’sshouldersandoffsethistan.Hisjeansweren’ttight,buttheywerefittedenoughtoshowoffthelong,powerfullinesofhislegs,andhe’dtamedhisnormallytousledhairintoaneatcoif.That,combinedwithhisaviators,exudedanOldHollywoodmoviestarduringacasualdayoutontownvibethatwasmoreappealingthanithadanyrighttobe.
“Versatilitydoesn’tequaltaste.”Joshplacedahandonthesmallofmylowerbackandguidedmeintothepark.Tinglesgatheredatthebaseofmyspineandradiatedoutwarduntiltheyblanketedeveryinchofmyskin.“EvenIknowthat.”
“Whatever.”Iwastoodistractedbythetraitoroustinglestoformulateabettercomeback.“You’reonetotalkabouttaste.Lookatthepaintinginyourbedroom.”
“What’swrongwiththepainting?”
“It’shideous.”
“It’snothideous.It’sunusual.TheguyIboughtitfromsaiditusedtobelongtoafamouscollector.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Itbelongedtoafamouscollectorandsomehowendedupinyourhands?Okay,sure.Onthatnote,IhavesomethingI’dliketosellyou.It’scalledtheBrooklynBridge.”
“Don’tbeahater.Noteveryonecanhavethesamediscerningeyeforart.”
“SomeonecallRoget’sThesaurus.Apparently,discerningisnowasynonymforappalling.”
Joshlaughed,unfazedbymyinsults.“Gladtoseeyou’refeelingbetter,Red.Missedthatpoisonoustongueofyours.”
MysmilefadedatthereminderofwhyI’dbeeninsuchaterriblemoodatthelibrary.I’dreceivedyetanother“reminder”textfromMaxthatmorning.Icouldcallhimoutonhisbluff,butIdidn’tthinkhewasbluffing.Maxlovedtoyingwithpeople,butwhenpushcametoshove,hehadnoqualmsaboutthrowinganyoneunderthebus.
Whenaddedtothestressfromschool,barprep,andBridget’supcomingwedding,itwastoomuch.I’dcriedovermytextbooksinthelibrarylikeanidiotandmessagedJoshintheheatofthemomentforadistraction.
I’dgatheredmyselfbythetimehearrived,butIdidn’tregrettextinghim.Hispresencehadbeenoddlytherapeutic,andwhathedidinthestacks…
Mytoescurled.
“Whataboutyou?”Iasked.Ihadn’tbeentheonlyoneinashittymood.“Howareyoufeeling?”
Ashadowcrossedhisfacebeforeitmeltedintoanotherflippantsmile.“I’mgreat.Why?”
“It’sokaytogrieve,”Isaid,notfooledbyhisinsouciance.Ididn’twanttopokeathiswounds,butIknewhowdestructivebottled-upemotionscouldbe.“Evenifit’soversomethingthat’spartofyourjob.”
Josh’ssmiledimmed,andhisthroatflexedwithahardswallowbeforehelookedaway.
“Let’sgrabsomethingtoeat,”hesaid.“I’mstarving.”
Itookthehintanddroppedtheissue.Everyonehandledgriefdifferently.Iwasn’tgoingtoforcehimtotalkaboutsomethinghewasn’treadyorwillingtodiscuss.
“So,who’sstaffingthehospitalwhileeveryoneishere?”Ichangedthesubjecttosomethinglighter.
Josh’srigidshouldersrelaxed.“Essentialstaffisstillthere,butthey’rerotatingshiftssoeveryonehasachancetoswingbythepicnic,”hesaid.“Thisistheonlyall-staffeventwehavebesidesourholidayparty,soit’sabigdeal.”
“Jules!”Abeautiful,familiar-lookingbrunettebeamedwhenwearrivedatthefoodtable.“Sonicetoseeyou.Ididn’trealizeJoshwasbringingadate.”
“It’snotadate,”JoshandIchorused.
Ashortpausefollowed,duringwhichthebrunette’salreadywidegrinbroadened.
“Ofcourse.Mybad.”Sheheldoutherhand,hereyestwinklingwithhumor.“I’mClara.WesortofmetatTheBronzeGear.”
Recognitionslammedintome.“YouwereJosh’sdate.”
Theyworkedtogether?Andtheywereapparentlyongoodterms,judgingbytheeasewithwhichtheygreetedeachother.
Ahorrifyingtendrilofjealousysnakedaroundmygutandsqueezed.
Ohno.Ohno,no,no.IcouldnotbejealousoverJosh.
Scratchthat.Iwasn’tjealousoverJosh.Iprobablyateexpiredyogurtforbreakfastorsomething.Thatwastheproblemwithlemon-flavoredfoods—theytastedtartwhethertheyweresupposedtoornot.
Claraburstintolaughter.“Ohno,Iwasn’thisdate.Justhiscoworker.I’manurseintheER.”
“Shehasagirlfriend.”Joshassembledahotdogonaplate.“ThebartenderfromTheBronzeGear.Speakingof,where’sTinsley?”
“She’snotmygirlfriend.We’rejustdating,andshe’sworking,soshecouldn’tmakeit.”Claraeyedmewithaspeculativegleaminhereyes.“Ifyou’renothisdate…”
“She’smyfakedate,”JoshsaidbeforeIcouldanswer.“Rememberlastyear’spicnic?Icouldbarelybreathewithallthepeopleshovingtheirdaughtersinmyface.Iwantedtoavoidarepeat.”
“Itmust’vebeentraumatizing,”Clarasaid.
Ismirkedatherdrysarcasm.Ilikedheralready.AnywomanwhocalledJoshoutearnedanA-plusinmybook.
“Itwas.Here.”Joshfinishedassemblinghisfoodandhandedittomebeforereplicatinghiseffortsonafreshplate.
Ahotdogwithketchup,mustard,andrelish.Asideofsalad.Ahandfulofchipsandachocolatechipcookietotopitalloff.
“Doyoureallyneedtwoplates?”Igesturedattheoneinmyhand.“That’sexcessive,evenforyou.”
HestaredatmelikeIwasdumb.“Thatplateisforyou,”hesaid.“Thisismine.”Headdedahamburgerandcoleslawtohisbounty.
ThankGodhedidn’tdothatformine.Ihatedcoleslaw.Thetexturegrossedmeout.
“Oh.”Ishiftedmyweightandtriedtoignorethebuzzofwarmthbeneathmyskin.“Thanks.”
Insteadofresponding,Joshturnedhisbackonmetogreetanothercoworker
Trusthimtodosomethingsemi-niceandactlikeajerkagainimmediatelyafter.
ItookanannoyedbiteoutofmyhotdogandcaughtClarawatchingus.Sheturnedawaywhenshenoticedmestaring,buthershouldersshookwithwhatlookedsuspiciouslylikelaughter.
SinceLHACwasn’tofficiallypartofThayerHospital,nooneelsefromtheclinicwashere,whichsavedmeandJoshfromhavingtoexplainourfakedatetoBarbsandcompany.Ialsowasn’tworriedaboutmyfriendsfindingout.NoneofthemknewanyonewhoworkedatthehospitalexceptJosh.
Forthenextfewhours,IaccompaniedJoshaswecirculatedtheparkandplayedthedutifulpartofhisdatewheneversomeonetriedtointroducehimtotheirsister,daughter,orgranddaughter.Hehadn’tbeenlyingwhenhesaideveryonewantedtosethimup—Icountedadozenmatchmakingattempts,evenwithmebyhisside,beforeIgaveup.
“Idon’tunderstandtheappeal,”Igrumbledafteranurseandherdaughterwalkedaway,lookingdisappointed.“You’renoteventhatgreatacatch.Atrout,atmost.Maybealargemouthbass,emphasisonthelargemouth.”
“Youlikedmymouthjustfineinthelibrary.”Josh’ssilkyresponsesentflameslickingovermyskin.
“Itwasokay.”
Isuckedinagaspwhenhetuggedmetohisside,hiswhisperadarkwarninginmyear.“Don’tprovokeme,Red,orI’llspreadyououtonthepicnictableandtonguefuckyouuntilyouhavetofuckingcrawlhomebecauseyourlegsdon’tworkanymore.”
Hereleasedmeandsmiledatthemanapproachingus.“Hey,Micah,”hesaid,likehehadn’tjustthreatenedtomakemecomemybrainsoutinfrontofathousandpeopleameresecondago.“How’sitgoing?”
Aftertheygreetedeachother,JoshintroducedmetoMicah,whoofferedmeaperfunctorysmile.
“So,Jules,whatdoyoudo?Areyouastudent?”TheotherresidentwasaroundJosh’sage,butheoozedpretentiousnessinawaythatwascompletelyatoddswithJosh’seasycharm.Joshmaybearrogant,butatleasthewasself-deprecatingaboutit.Micahlookedlikehebelievedhisownhypealittletoomuch.
“Yes,atThayerLaw.Igraduateinafewweeks.”
Micah’seyebrowspoppedup.“Law?Really?”
Istiffenedathisobviousskepticism.
“Yes,really.”IdroppedmypolitetoneandadoptedonesoicyIhopeditfrozehisballsoff.SomepeoplemightgiveMicahthebenefitofthedoubt,butIrecognizedjudgmentwhenIsawit,andIhadzeroobligationtobenicetosomeonewhodidn’tbotherhidinghiscondescension.“Surprised?”
“Alittle.Youdon’tlooklikealawstudent.”Micah’seyesdroppedtomychest,andtinypricklesofhumiliationstabbedatme.
Besideme,Joshstilled,hiseasygoingmannergivingwaytoadark,volatiletensionthatroiledtheairaroundus
“Ididn’trealizelawstudentshadauniversallook.”Iresistedtheurgetocrossmyarmsovermychest.Iwouldn’tgiveMicahthatsatisfaction.“Howaretheysupposedtolook?”
Helaughed,notevenhavingthedecencytolookembarrassedbymycallout.“YouknowwhatImean.”
“Idon’t.”JoshspokeupbeforeIcouldrespond,histonedeceptivelylight.“Whatdoyoumean,Micah?”
Discomfortcrossedhiscoworker’sfaceforthefirsttimeasMicahfinallyrealizedtheconversationwasn’theadinginthedirectionhe’dintended.
“Youknow.”Hewavedahandintheair,tryingtoplayitoff.“Itwasajoke.”
Josh’ssmiledidn’treachhiseyes.“Jokesaresupposedtobefunny.”
“Lightenup,man.”Micah’sfrownofdiscomfortmorphedintoannoyance.“Look,allI’msayingis,Iwassurprised,okay?”
“That’snotwhatyou’resaying.Whatyou’resayingisyoumadeassumptionsaboutherintelligencebasedonherappearance,whichisquiteunfair,don’tyouthink?”AlethaledgeranbeneathJosh’sotherwisepleasantvoice.“Forexample,ifIweretomakeanassumptionaboutyou,IwouldthinkyouwereapompousjackassbasedontheHarvard-brandedclothingyouwearatanyopportunitydespitethefactyouonlygotinbecauseyourlastnameisengravedontheirnewestsciencebuilding.ButI’msurethat’snottrue.YoudidgraduatefromHarvardMed—nearthebottomoftheclass,butyougraduated.Thatcountsforsomething.”
Micah’smouthfellopenwhileaballofemotioncurledupinmythroatandrefusedtobudge.
Icouldn’tthinkofthelasttimesomeonestoodupforme.Itwasastrangefeeling—warmandthick,likehoneyslidingthroughmyveins.
“Regardless,Idonotappreciateyourrudenesstowardmydate.”Josh’svoicehardened.
“Thisisaworkevent,soapologize,walkaway,andwe’llleaveitatthat.ButdisrespectJulesagain,andI’llputyouintheemergencyroommyself.”
Micah’snostrilsflared,buthewasn’tdumbenoughtoargue.NotwhenJoshlookedlikehewasactivelyhopingtheothermanwouldstepoutoflinesohecoulddeckhim.
“I’msorry.”Micah’sstiffapologycontainedasmuchsincerityasacrocodile’stears.Hespunonhisheelsandstalkedaway,hisreedybodyquiveringwithoutrage.
Aheavysilencedescendedinhiswake.
SomeofthetensiondrainedfromJosh’sbody,butthelineofhisjawremainedahardslash.
Itriedandfailedtoswallowthepersistentlumpinmythroat.“Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“Dowhat?”Heunscrewedthecapofhiswaterbottleandtookasip.
“Defendme.”
“Ididn’tdefendyou.Icalledoutanassholeforbeinganasshole.”Heslidasidelongglanceatme.“Besides,I’mtheonlyonewhogetstobeajerktoyou.”
Ihuffedoutanembarrassinglywaterylaugh.IwassousedtofightingmyownbattlesIwasn’tsurehowtohandlehavingsomeonebymyside.
Joshwassupposedtobemynemesis,butheturnedouttobemyally.Inthisparticularinstance,anyway.
“Well,ifthere’sonethingyouexcelat,it’sbeingajerk.”Irubbedmyskirtbetweenmyfingers.Thesmoothcottoncalmedmyracingnerves.
“Iexcelateverything,Red.”Josh’slanguiddrawlsettledovermelikeawarmblanket.
Oureyeslockedandheld.Anelectricchargeflaredintheairbetweenusandbuzzeddownmyspine.
I’dknownJoshforyears,butthiswasthefirsttimeIsawhiminsuchbold,painstakingdetail.
Thesharpcurveofhischeekbonestaperingdowntoastrongjaw.Therich,darkeyeslikemeltingchocolate,fringedbylashessolongitshouldbeillegalformentohavethem.Thearchofhisbrowsandthefirm,sensualcurveofhislips.
HowhadInevernoticedhowincredibly,devastatinglygorgeousJoshChenwas?
I’dknownitonanintellectuallevel,ofcourse,thewayIknewtheearthwasroundandtheoceansweredeep.Itwasimpossibleforsomeonewiththosefeatures,arrangedinthatway,tobeanythingexceptbeautiful.
ButthiswasthefirsttimeI’dexperiencedit.Itwaslikepeelingbackthetransparentsheetcoveronafamousartpieceandfinallyseeingitinitsfullglory.
Josh’shandscurledintoloosefistsbyhissidebeforeheunclenchedthem
“Lastcallsoon.”Thewordscameoutroughandscratchy,likeithurthimtospeak.“Ifyouwantmorefood,weshouldgrabitnowbeforethepicnicends.”
Theelectricchargedissipated,butitseffectslingeredasafilmoftinglesonmyskin.
“Right.Morefood.”Iclearedmythroat.“I’malwaysdownformorefood.”
Wefixedourplatesinsilencebeforesettlingbeneathoneofthelargeoaktreesborderingthepark.Mostofthefoodhadbeenpickedclean,butwe’dmanagedtosnagthelastoftheburgersandachocolatecupcaketoshare.
“Yourcoworkersseemtolikeyoualot,MicahtheDickheadnotwithstanding.”IslicedthecupcakeintoneathalveswithaplasticknifeandhandedJoshhisportion.
Hetookit,hismouthquirking.“Don’tsoundsosurprised.I’malikableperson,Red.”
“Hmmm.”Isnuckaglanceathimwhileweate.We’dfought,we’dfucked,buttherewasstillsomuchIdidn’tknowabouthim.
Howwasitpossibletoknowsolittleaboutsomeoneaftersevenyears?
“Didyoualwayswanttobeadoctor?Don’tbothermakingajokeaboutplayingdoctorasakid,”IaddedwhenInoticedthegleaminhiseyes.“IfIcanpreemptitbeforeyousayit,it’slame.”
AdeeplaughrumbledfromJosh’schest.“Fairenough.”Heleanedagainstthetreetrunkandstretchedouthislegs.Athoughtfulexpressioncrossedhisface.“I’mnotsurewhenIdecidedtobecomeadoctor.Partofitwasexpectations,Iguess.Doctor,lawyer,engineer.ThestereotypicalcareersforaChinese-Americankid.Buttherewasanotherpartthat…”Hehesitated.“Thisisgoingtosoundcheesy,butIwanttohelppeople,youknow?IrememberwaitinginthehospitalwhenAvaalmostdrowned.ItwasthefirsttimeIrealizedthepeoplearoundmewouldn’tliveforever.Iwasfuckingterrified.AndIkeptthinking…whatifI’dbeenwithherbythelakethatday?CouldIhavesavedher?Wouldthedrowninghaveevenhappened?Andmymom.WhatifI’dnoticedsomethingwaswrongearlierandgottenherhelp…”
Adeepachespreadthroughmeatthetinycrackinhisvoice.
Iplacedatentativehandonhisknee,wishingIwasbetteratcomfortingpeople.“Youwerejustakid,”Isaidgently.“Whathappenedwasn’tyourfault.”
“Iknow.”Joshstaredatwheremyhandrestedagainstthebluedenimofhisjeans.Histhroatbobbedwithahardswallow.“Butthatdoesn’tstopmefromfeelinglikeitwas.”
Theacheintensified.
Howlonghadhelivedwithhisguiltandkeptittohimself?Idoubtedhe’dtoldAva,notwhenitwasguiltoverher.Perhapshe’dtoldAlexwhentheywerefriends,butIcouldn’tpicturestiff,icyAlexbeingparticularlyreassuring.
“You’reagoodbrother,andyou’reagooddoctor.Ifyouweren’t,Iwould’veheardaboutit.Trustme.”Iimbuedmysmilewithmischief.“I’mpluggedintoallthegossip.”
Thatearnedmeasmalllaugh.“Oh,Iknow.YouandAvawouldn’tshutupwheneveryougotintooneofyourrants.”
Myheartjumpedintomythroatwhenhecoveredmyhandwithhisandtwinedourfingerstogether.Hesqueezed,thatoneactionsayingmorethanwordsevercould.
Threemonthsago,Iwould’veneverwillinglytouchedhim,andhewould’veneverwillinglyturnedtomeforcomfort.
Yetherewewere,existinginthestrangestiterationofwhatourrelationshipcouldbe.Notquitefriends,notquiteenemies.Justus.
“Andyou?Why’dyoubecomealawyer?”Joshasked.
“I’mnotalawyeryet.”Iremainedstill,afraidanymovementwouldshatterthefragile,therapeuticpeacebetweenus.“But,um,LegallyBlondeisoneofmyfavoritemovies.”
Ilaughedwhenhiseyebrowsshottowardhishairline.“Hearmeout,okay?Themoviewasthejumping-offpoint.Ilookeduplawschoolsoutofcuriosity,andIfellintoarabbithole.ThemoreIlearnedaboutthefield,themoreIlikedtheideaof…”Isearchedfortherightword.“Purpose,Iguess.Helpingpeoplesolvetheirproblems.Pluscertaintypesoflawpaywell.”Warmthsuffusedmycheeks.“Thatsoundsshallow,butfinancialsecurityisimportanttome.”
“That’snotshallow.Moneyisn’teverything,butweneedittosurvive.Anyonewhosaystheydon’tcareaboutitislying.”
“Iguess.”
Wefellintocompanionablesilenceagain.Thegoldenspringafternooncastasofthazeoverthescene,andIfeltlikeIwaslivinginadreamwheretherestoftheworlddidn’texist.Nopast,nofuture,noMax,exams,ormoneyworries.
Ifonly.
“So,whatyousaidearlier.”Joshtwistedhisheadtolookatme.“Goodbrotheranddoctor,huh?”Heremovedhishandfrommine.Imournedthelossofhistouchforabriefmomentbeforehetuggedonmybraidagain,acrookedsmileformingonhismouth.“Wasthatacompliment,Red?”
“Myfirstandlastforyou,sosavoritwhileyoucan.”
“Oh,Iwill.Everymorsel.”Thevelvetysuggestioninhisvoicebypassedmybrainandwentstraighttomycore.
“Good,”Imanaged.
Whatwashappeningtome?MaybesomeonespikedthefoodwithaphrodisiacsbecauseIshouldn’tbethisflusteredoverJosh.
Whatstartedasafakedatewasquicklyturningintoanexistentialcrisis.HatingJoshwasoneofthecorepillarsofmylifestyle,alongwithmyloveforcaramelmochas,myaversiontocardio,andmyrainy-daypastimeofbrowsingobscurebookstores.Takemyhateforhimaway,andwhatwasIleftwith?
Myheartbeatquickened.Don’tgothere.
Josh’ssmilefaded,leavingbehindanintensitythatsentshiversfrommyheadtomytoes.
Anendlesssecondstretchedbetweenus,suspendedbythesameelectricchargefromearlierbeforeashriekofnearbylaughtersnappeditinhalf.
JoshandIjerkedapartatthesametime.
“Weshouldgo—”
“Ihavetoleave—”
Ourvoicestangledinarushofexcuses.
“IhavetopackforEldorra,”Isaid,eventhoughourflightwasn’tforanotherfivedays.
AsBridget’sbridesmaids,Ava,Stella,andIwereflyinginearlyforpre-weddingprep,courtesyofAlex’sprivatejet.Joshwasn’tintheweddingparty,buthewasjoiningusbecausewhyflycommercialwhenyoucouldflyprivate?
“Right.I’mgonnastickaround,helpcleanup.”Joshrakedahandthroughhishair.“Thanksforcoming.Wesuccessfullywardedoffallmatchmakingattempts.”
“Thanksforinvitingme.GladIcouldhelp.”
Anawkwardbeatpassed.
Givenourarrangement,weshouldbeheadingtohisplaceforsexbecausethatwassupposedtobethecornerstoneofourrelationship,butafterourconversationjustnow,thatfelt…wrong.
Joshmust’vethoughtthesame,becausehedidn’tsayanythingelseexcept,“Seeyousoon,Red.”
“Seeyou.”
IquickenedmystepsuntilIreachedtheparkexit,tooafraidtolookbacklestJoshseetheconfusionscrawledovermyface.
Hewasworkingallweek,soIwouldn’tseehimuntilourEldorratrip.Icouldtakethetimetoresetandreturntoourequilibrium,AKAattractedtobutbarelytoleratinghim.
ButIhadasinkingfeelingthatwhateverknockedourworldoffitsaxishaddonesoirrevocably.Notinoneafternoon,butinallthemomentsthatleduptoit—ourtruceattheclinic,ourskilessons,ournightinVermont,oursex-onlypact.HyacinthandthelibraryandthehundredsofsmallmomentsinwhichIthoughtaboutJoshanddidn’texperiencethesamevisceralirritationIusedtowhenhecrossedmymind.
DisrespectJulesagain,andI’llputyouintheemergencyroommyself.
That’snotshallow.
Wasthatacompliment,Red?
Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofmystrangenewfeelingstowardJosh,butIknewonething:therewasnogoingbacktowhateverweusedtobe.28JOSH
Inhindsight,takingJulestothepicnicwastheworstideaI’deverhad.Theshort-termgainofoutsmartingthehospital’smatchmakerswasn’tworththelong-termpainofreplayingtheafternoonoverandoverinmyheadlikeabrokenrecordIcouldn’tbeartotoss.
Youwerejustakid.Whathappenedwasn’tyourfault.
You’reagoodbrother,andyou’reagooddoctor.
EverytimeIthoughtaboutourconversationbeneaththetree,Iwantedtorewindandfreezetimesowecouldstayinthatmomentforever.
Sunshining,foodinourlaps,theemptinessinmychestalittlelessemptywithJules’spresencefillingitup.
Itwasunacceptable.
Wantingtofuckherwasfine.WantingtocallherwhenIhadacrappydaywasnot.
Itdidn’tmatterifshewastheonlypersonIcouldtalktowithoutfearingjudgment.Therewouldbenomorequasi-datesfromnowon,notevenfakeones.Anddefinitelynomoresleepoversorlettingherborrowmyshirt.
Istillhadn’twashedtheoneI’dlentherafterHyacinth.I’dgetaroundtoiteventually,butitdidn’tsmellbad.Itsmelledfaintlylikeher—warmandcinnamonywithahintofamber.
ThesamescentenvelopedmysensesnowasIburiedmyfaceinherneckanddrovedeeperintoher,tryingtoeasetheceaseless,unquenchableneedinmystomach.Buteverythrustandkissonlymagnifiedit,andmyfrustrationspilledintothespeedandforceofmyfucking.
TheheadboardbangedagainstthewallinrhythmicresponsetomythrustsasIpoundedintoJules,mymusclestautandslickedwithsweatfromthepasthalfhour.
We’dlandedinAthenbergthatafternoon,andJulesandImustbeonthesamewavelengthbecausesheshoweduptomysuitetwentyminutesafterwecheckedinwithnothingmorethana,“Wannafuck?”
Nomentionofthepicnic,library,oranyotherrulewe’dbroken,thankGod.Wewerebotheagertoreturntothestatusquo,andI’dhappilyobliged.
Now,ifonlyIcouldfuckthehungerforJulesoutofmysystem,I’dbeahappyman.
“Josh.”Hersharpcryricochetedthroughthehotelroomassheclawedatmybackandexplodedaroundme.
Julesfuckedthewayshefought—fierceandfiery,noholdsbarred.Itwasaddictive.
TheexquisiteburnfromhernailsmatchedthefireinmyveinsasIclampedahandoverhermouth,cuttingoffhercry.
“Shh.You’llwakeeveryoneup.”Myjawclenchedwiththeefforttoholdbackmyownorgasmasherpussyrippledaroundme.Christ.Itshouldbeillegalforsomeonetofeelthatdamngood.“Youdon’twantourfriendstohear,doyou?”
MysuitewasacrossthehallfromJulesandStella’sandonlytwodoorsdownfromAlexandAva’s.Alexwastakingavideocallinthehotel’sconferenceroomdownstairs,andAvaandStellawerenappingaheadofBridget’sbachelorettepartytonight,butIdidn’twanttoriskit.
WewerealreadyriskingenoughsneakingaroundrightunderAva’snose.
Theheadboardbangingmightgivemeaway,butIcouldeasilyplaythatoffascomingfromanotherroomonthefloor.
Juleswhimpered,butwhenIremovedmyhandfromhermouth,shesuccessfullykepthercriesdownevenasshecameasecondtime.
Shepressedherfaceagainstmyshoulder,herbodyshakingwithhersilentrelease.
“Goodgirl,”Iwhispered.“Keepthosescreamsin,Red.I’mtheonlypersonwhogetstohearhowmuchyoulovemycockinthattightlittlecunt.”
Another,louderwhimper.
Herpussyclampedaroundmeeventighterthanthefirsttime,andablindingorgasmrippedthroughmewithsuchsudden,unexpectedforceitrenderedmespeechlessforasecond.
Whentheaftershocksfinallyfaded,Isankagainsther,revelinginthesensationofhersoftcurvesmeltingintomybody.ShefeltsodamnperfectIwastemptedtostaythereforeverandlosemyselfinherwarmth.
IallowedmyselftosavorthemomentforanothersecondbeforeIreluctantlypulledaway.IhandedJulesabottleofwaterfromthehotel’sminibar,mymouthcurvingathercontent,slightlydazedexpression.
“Thanks.”Shetookasipofthedrink,hervoiceslumberouswithpost-coitalbliss.“I’llleavesoon.Just…”Ayawnsplitherface.“Givemeasecond.”
DisappointmentspikedinmychestatthethoughtofherleavingbeforeIforceditdown.Thisisjustsex,Iremindedmyself.
“Aslongasit’sonlyonesecond.Don’twantyouaccidentallysleepingover.”Isettlednexttoherinthebed.Iitchedtodrawhercloser,butIproppedmyhandsbehindmyheadinstead.
Sheglaredatme,hercontentednessgivingwaytoirritation.“Iseetheassholeisback.”
“Heneverleft.”
“Obviously.”Julesclimbedoutofbedandshruggedintohershirt.
“I’mkidding,Red.”Ileanedoverandgraspedherwristbeforeshecouldbuttonhertop.“Stayabitlongerifyouwant.It’snotlikeAvaandStellaareawaketohangout.”
Ipulledherbackintobed.Sheresistedforasecondbeforerelaxingnexttome.SheknewIwasright.Ifsheleftnow,shehadnothingtodoexceptwanderthehotel.
“Whatareyouguysdoingtonight,anyway?”Iasked.
“Dinnerandclubbing.”Juleswrinkledhernose.“IwishwecouldthrowBridgetafull-blownbacheloretteparty,buttonightistheonlynightshehasevenalittlefreetime,sowe’rekeepingitsimple.”
Myeyebrowsreachedmyhairline.“You’retakingtheQueenofEldorraclubbing?InEldorra?”
“We’llbeindisguise.”
IstaredatJules,unsureifshewasjoking.Shestaredbackwithonehundredpercentseriousness.
“Disguise,”Irepeated.“Ihatetobreakittoyou,Red,butawigandsunglassesaren’tgonnabeenoughtodisguisethemostfamouswomaninthecountry.”
“We’renotwearingsunglasses,”shescoffed.“Noonewearssunglassesatnightexceptdouchebags.No,wehiredamakeupartisttotransformourfaces.”
“Areyoufuckingwithme?Howthefuckisamakeupartistsupposedtotransformyourface?”
“AskilledMUAcandoalot,”Julessaidprimly.“Clearly,you’veneverwatchedanybeforeandaftermakeuptransformationsonYouTube.”
Irubbedmyface.Theconversationwasgettingmoresurrealbytheminute.“No,Ihaven’t,becauseIdon’twearmakeup.”
“So?You’renotanastronautbutthatdoesn’tstopyoufromwatchingvideosaboutrocketlaunches.”
“Yeah,becauserocketsarecool.”
“So’smakeup.”
“Nottome.”
Sherolledhershouldersinashrug.“You’vealwayslackedtaste.”
“I’mfuckingyou,aren’tI?Whatdoesthatsayaboutyou?”
Julesstretchedherarmsoverherheadandyawned.“ThatI’malovely,generoushumanbeingwho’llthrowyouapityfuckwhennooneelsewill—”
AsquealcutoffherwordswhenIliftedheranddeliveredasharpsmackonherassbeforesittingheronmylap.Herbackpressedagainstmytorso,andIreachedaroundtospreadherthighs.
“Don’tmakemespankyourpussynext,Red.”Irubbedmythumboverherstill-swollenclitinwarning.“Iwon’tbeasgentle.”
AshiverrolledthroughJules’sbody,butshesankagainstmeandfellquietasIcaressedher.
Yes,thiswassupposedtobesexonly,butIwouldbeanassholeifIkickedheroutwithoutsomepost-sexdowntime,right?
Ismoothedmypalmupherthighs,overherstomachandtoherbreasts.Itwasmorecomfortingthanitwassexual,andIlovedhowfuckingsoftshewas.Softandwarmandperfectlytailoredforme,hercurvesfittingmyhandslikepiecesofapuzzleIneverwantedtofinishsolving.
“Whatareyoudoingtonightwhilewe’reout?”Shemadeasmall,contentednoiseasIgentlysqueezedandkneadedherbreasts.
“Grabadrink.Explorethecity.”Ihadnoclue.“I’llfiguresomethingout.”
“Alexwillbestayingbehindtoo.”
MyhandstilledbeforeIdroppedittomyside.“Don’tseewhatthathastodowithme.”Thelightnessofmytonecontrastedwiththesuddenstiffnessinmyshoulders.
AsighfloatedfromJules’sthroattomyears.“AllI’msayingis,it’spainfulwatchingyouguysavoideachother.Ican’timagineit’sfunforyoutoholdontoyourgrudgeeither.Beingangryatsomeoneisexhausting,andit’sbeenalmosttwoyears.Maybe…”Hervoicesoftened,takingonafar-offquality,andIwonderedifshewastalkingaboutherselfasmuchasshewasme.“Maybeit’stimetoforgive,evenifyoudon’tforget.”
Ileanedmyheadagainsttheheadboardandclosedmyeyes.“Maybe.”
Itwasn’tthatIdidn’twantto.ItwasthatIdidn’tknowhowto.EverytimeItried,thepastreareditsuglyheadanddraggedmeback.
HowcouldIletgoofsomethingthatrefusedtoletgoofme?
“Itwouldbe—”
Aknockonthedoorcutheroff.“Josh?”Ava’svoicedriftedintomyroom.
Julesshotupstraightandtwistedherheadtolookatme.Westaredateachotherwithwideeyes.
“CanIcomein?Ithinkyouhavemybackpack,”Avasaid.“Ithasmylaptop.”
Fuck.Mygazestrayedtomyblackbackpack.We’dboughtthesameoneduringaholidaysaleafewyearsago.
IgentlyextricatedmyselffromJules,climbedoffthebedandunzippedit.Yep,therewasAva’slaptopsittingsnuginbetweenhernotebookandabluefolder.Doublefuck.
Imust’vegrabbedhersbymistakeattheairport.
IgesturedatJulestogetintothebathroom,butshesatfrozenonmybed,lookinglikeawaxmannequinofherself.
“Canyougetitlater?”Icalledout.Myheartslammedagainstmychest.“I’m,uh,busy.”
IwouldopenthedoorandhandAva’sbackpacktoher,buttherewasnowaytodosowithoutherseeingthebed.
“Ineedmylaptop.Ihavetogetsomeworkdonebeforethebachelorettetonight.”
Doublefuck.
Isteppedtowardthebed,butJulesfinallymoved.Shewrappedthesheetaroundherselfanddartedintothebathroomsofastshewasalmostablur.IwaiteduntilthedoorclosedbehindherbeforeIpickedupthebackpackandcrackedopenmydoor.
“Hey.”Ishovedthebagatmysister.“Hereyago.Seeyoulater.”Itriedtoclosethedoor,butAvapusheditbackopenwithnarrowedeyes.
“Whyareyoubeingsoshifty?”
“I’mnotbeingshifty.”Sweatbeadedonmybrow.“I’mirritatedbecauseyouinterruptedme.”
“Doingwhat?”
“Uh,exercising.”Technicallytrue.Sexwasthebestformofcardio.“Ithoughtyouwerenapping.”
Shegavemeastrangelook.“Iwokeup.”Hereyesdriftedfrommysex-tousledhairtomytenseshoulders.Afaintgreentintcoloredherskin.“Wait…doyouhaveagirlinthere?Wasthatbangingsoundyou?Thatwaswhatwokemeup.”
Heatclimbedonmyface.
“Howisthatpossible?Weliterallyjustarrivedanhourago.”Avaclappedahandoverhermouth.“IthinkI’mgoingtobesick.YouarenotallowedtohavesexwhenIcanhearyou.I’mscarredforlife.”
“You’rebeingdramatic,andwhatcanIsay?I’malegend.”Ipastedonmycockiestsmile.“Nowpleaseleavebeforeshecomesoutofthebathroom.Nothingkillsthevibelikealittlesisterstickinghernosewhereitdoesn’tbelong.”
“Trustme,Idon’twantto…”Ava’seyesfellonsomethingbehindme.“Oh,weird.Juleshasthoseexactshoes.”
Shit!I’daccidentallyletthedoordriftopenwhileweweretalking.
Jules’sclotheswereoutofsight,buthershoeswererightthere,frontandcenter,atthefootofthebed.
ItwasatestamenttohowmuchweusedtodislikeeachotherthatAvadidn’tthinktheshoescouldbelongtoher
“Theymustbepopular.”Iforcedalaughandresistedtheurgetowipethesweatfrommyforehead.“Wishyouhadn’ttoldmethat.Thesecondthingthatkillsthevibefastisanymentionoftheshe-devil.Anyway.”IpushedAvafurtherintothehallway.“Greattoseeyou,don’tcomeback.Unlessyouwantafirsthandlookatthesymphony.”
Webothgaggedatthesametime.
Ifthevibewasn’talreadydead,itwassixfeetunderandrottingnowattheprospectofmysisterbeingintheroomwhileIhadsex.
“I’mgoingtowashmyeyesandearsoutwithbleach.”Avashuddered.
IwaiteduntilshereturnedtoherroombeforeIclosedthedoorandleanedmyforeheadagainstit.Reliefcooledthesweatonmyskin,butmyheartstillracedlikeitwascompetinginthefuckingIndy500.
“Thatwasaclosecall.”
IliftedmyheadandsawJulespeekoutofthebathroom,hereyeswide.
“Thesefuckersalmostgotusintrouble.”Inudgedhershoeswithmyfoot
“Thosearemyfavoriteshoes,Josh.It’snottheirfault.”Shesteppedfullyintothebedroomandfishedherclothesoffthefloor.“Weshouldn’thavedonethisinthehotel.Itwasstupid.Ifshecaughtus…”
Igrimaced.Juleswasright.Itwasstupidtohookupinthehotelwhenourfriendswereliterallydownthehall.Wecouldgetcaughtanyminute.
Normally,I’dneverbethatreckless,but…
IwatchedJulesgetdressed,myheartratenotslowingdownonebitdespitethefactthedangerhadpassed.
Forsomereason,logicalwaysflewoutthewindowwhereJuleswasconcerned29JOSH
Julessnuckoutaftermakingsurethehallwaywasclearandleftmetomyowndevices.
Restless,Ishowered,hitthegym,showeredagain,andwatchedFastFiveinmyroomwhilethegirlsgotreadyandleftforthepalace.Onlyroyalrelativeswereallowedtostayatthepalaceforthewedding,soeventhoughthegirlswereBridget’sbridesmaids,wewerecampedoutinafive-starhotel,courtesyofthecrown.
Iusuallyhadnoissuesentertainingmyselfwhiletraveling,butthecrowdofpaparazzioutsidethehoteldeterredmefromventuringout.
Unfortunately,ourhotel,asluxuriousasitwas,lackedstimulatingactivities.Michelin-starredrestaurantsandaworld-renownedspawerefine,butIneededmoreexcitement.
Alexwillbestayingbehindtoo.
Jules’swordsechoedinmyhead.Whatwashedoing?Eatingbabiesandruininglives,probably.
Bythetimenightdescended,Iwasboredenoughtojoinhim.
Temptationsnakedaroundmyspine,butinsteadofknockingonhisdoor,Iheadeddownstairstothebar.It’dbeenclosedearlier,butwhenIarrived,thetelltaleglowoflightssentreliefcoastingthroughmylungs.
Isteppedinside,takinginthetwo-storyceiling,plushbluevelvetcouches,andthemassivewallofglitteringbottlesbehindthepolishedmahoganybar.ItblewthefanciestbarinD.C.outofthewater,timesten.
Islidontoablueleatherstoolandwaitedforthebartendertofinishsettingup.Itmust’vejustopened,becauseweweretheonlypeoplepresent,andthespacewaseerilyquietsaveforthesoftjazzpipingthroughinvisiblespeakers.
Partofmecravedthebuzzofacrowd;anotherpartrelishedthesilence.
Likeinmostareasofmyliferightnow,Ididn’tknowwhatthehellIwanted.
Idrummedmyfingersagainstthecounterandscannedthebottledisplay,searchingforagooddrinktostartthenight,whenafamiliarvoiceslicedthroughthesilence.
“Thisseattaken?”
Thedrummingstopped.Tensionlockedmymusclesinplace.
Iturnedtofacethenewcomer,alreadywishingI’dorderedroomserviceinsteadofbravingacommonspacewhenAlexwasalsoroamingthegrounds.
Myformerbestfriendstoodafewfeetaway,dressedinthesameblackturtleneckandpantsheworeontheplane.Fatiguelinedhisface,andapinchofconcernsqueezedmychest.
AccordingtoAva,hisinsomniahadimprovedovertheyears,buttherewerestilltimeswhenhewentdayswithoutsleeping,onlytocrashafterward.
Irememberedseveralinstancesduringundergradwhenhewouldpassoutinthemiddleofaconversationorstudysession.
Notthatitwasmyconcernanymore.
“Obviously,itisn’t.”Iflickedmyeyesattheemptystoolnexttome.
“That’snotwhatImeant,”Alexsaidcoolly.
Amuscletickedinmyjaw.Thebastardnevermadethingseasy.
Inthatcase,itistaken.
Thewordshoveredonthetipofmytongue,butJules’svoicefloatedthroughmyheadagain.
Beingangryatsomeoneisexhausting,andit’sbeenalmosttwoyears.Maybeit’stimetoforgive,evenifyoudon’tforget.
Twoyears.
They’dstretchedforaneternityandpassedintheblinkofaneyeallatonce.
Inthattime,AlexandIhadonlyonemomentwhenthingsbetweenusseemedsemi-normal—ourskiafternooninVermont.
IblamedmytwingeofnostalgiaforwhatIsaidnext.“Allyours.”
Aflickerofsurprisecrossedhisfacebeforeitsmoothedintoitsusualimpassivemask.
Alextookhisseatrightasthebartenderfinishedsettingupandapproachedus.“Thanksforwaiting,”hesaidinlightlyaccentedEnglish.“WhatcanIgetyou?”
“I’llhaveaMacallanneat.”Alexdidn’tlookatthemenubeforeordering.TherewasnodoubtabarasfancyasthisoneservedMacallan.
Thebartendernoddedandshiftedhisattentiontome.
“AStellaisfine,thanks.”TheonlyMacallanIdrankwasfrommybottleathome,thoughitnowsatemptyafterIdrownedmysorrowsoverTanya’sdeathinit.
Otherwise,thewhiskeywastoorichformymedschoolloan-riddledwallet.
“Stillhaven’tgraduatedtorealalcohol,huh?”Alexdrawledafterthebartenderlefttofixourdrinks.
“Stillhaven’tdevelopedtaste,huh?”Ivolleyedback.“It’sokay,man.They’llstillletyouintoyourbillionaires’clubifyouadmittolikingbeer.”
“Beertasteslikecarbonatedurine.”Hedeliveredeachwordwithhistrademarkicyprecision,butatingeofamusementlurkedbeneaththesurface.“I’malsonotdiscussingtastewithsomeonewhooncedressedasaratforHalloween.”Hepausedbeforeadding,“Aratwhoworearedbandanna.”
“Oh,forfuck’ssake,thatwasonetime.”I’dbeenagladiator,Superman,adoctor(notmymostinspiredcostume,Iadmit),WaldofromWhere’sWaldo,andathousandotherpersonasforHalloween,yeteveryonealwaysbroughtupthefuckingrat.“IdidittoproveIcouldpullanyoneIwantedevenifIwasdressedasarat.AndIdid.”
TheMorgensterntwins.Thathadbeenagoodnight.
Thememoryofoneofmyfavoritethreesomesusuallygotmegoing,buttonight,itdidnothingforme.Notevenaflickerofexcitementordesire.
Weird.
“That’swhatyoualwayssay.”Alexsoundedunimpressed.
“Becauseit’strue.AsktheMorgensterns.”
“Whatevermakesyoufeelbetter.”
Ascowlknottedmybrow.“You’resuchagoddamnasshole.Idon’tknowhowIwaseverfriendswithyou,”Igrumbled,acceptingmydrinkfromthebartenderwithanodofthanks.
Alex’slipscurved,buttheairbetweenussuddenlyweighedheavywithghostsfromthepast—pickupbasketballgames,late-nightstudysessions,partiesandguys’tripsandrandommemeswesenteachotherthroughouttheday.
Well,lsenthimmemesandherepliedwithfrowningoreyerollemojis,butAlexhadashitsenseofhumor,soIdidn’texpecthimtoappreciatemyexcellentmemeselection.
Jules’sadvicemayhavepushedmetoextendatentativeolivebranch,butthetruthwas,Imissedhavingabestfriend.ImissedhavingAlexasmybestfriend.Hewascold,rude,andgrumpyasfuck,buthe’dalwayshadmyback.EveryfightIgotinto,everybaddayIhad,he’dbeentheretobailmeoutandtalkmedown.
ItookaswigofbeertowashdownthesuddentightnessinmythroatwhileAlexquietlysippedhisdrink.
Thebarwasstartingtofillup,andsoon,theroombuzzedwithenoughactivitytodrownoutthesilenceroaringbetweenus.
IfinishedmybeerandwasabouttoorderanotheronewhenAlexinterjected
“TwomoreMacallans.”HeslidhisblackAmexacrossthecounterandflickedaglanceinmydirection.“Onme.”
Myfirstinstinctwastoturnitdown,butIwasn’tdumbenoughtosaynotoafreepremiumdrink.
“Thanks.”
“You’rewelcome.”
Moresilence.God,thiswasfuckingpainful.
“HowarethingsgoingbetweenyouandAva?”Ifinallyasked.
Avaalwaysgushedabouttheirrelationship,butshewasAlex’sfirstrealgirlfriend,andIwascuriousashellabouthisperspective.IfIhadn’twitnesseditwithmyowneyes,Iwouldn’thavethoughthimcapableofalong-termrelationship.
Alex’sfacesoftened.“We’regood.”
“Good.That’shighpraisecomingfromyou.”Iwasn’tjoking.ThestrongestpositivetermI’deverheardhimusewasfine.
Gourmetsteakcookedbyaworld-famouschef?Fine.
Flyinginaprivatejet?Fine.
GraduatingtopofhisclassfromThayer?Fine.
Forsomeonesosmart,hehadalimitedvocabulary.
“Iloveyoursister,”Alexsaidsimply.
Myglassfrozehalfwaytomylips.Ofcourse,IknewhelovedAva,butIneverinamillionyearswould’veguessedhe’dadmitittoanyoneexcepther.
TheAlexIknewhadzerotoleranceforsentimentality.Makeitverbalsentimentalityandhistolerancedroppedintothenegatives.
“Good.”Iregainedmotorcontrol.Myglasstouchedmymouthandwhiskeyflowedintomystomach,buttheshockfromAlex’sstatementlingered.“Becauseifyouhurtheragain,I’lltakethatstickoutofyourassandstabyouwithit.”
“IfIhurtheragain,I’llletyou.”
AtensebeatpassedbeforeIletoutashortlaugh.“You’vechanged.”
Partofmeappreciatedthegrowth,whileanotherpartmournedhowmuchtimehadpassedsinceourfriendshipended.Enoughthatwewerefunhousemirrorversionsofourselves—thesamepeopleatourcorebutdistortedbythechangeswroughtovertime.
“Everyonechanges.Withoutchange,wemightaswellbedead.”Itwould’vebeenaninspiringquotehadAlexnotdelivereditwithalltheemotionofablockofice.
“SpeakingofAva…”Herolledhisemptyglassbetweenhisfinger,hisexpressionevenbroodierthanusual.“I’dhopedwecouldtalkbeforethegirlscameback.”
“Whatdoyouthinkwe’redoingrightnow?Choppingliver?”
“Imeantalk.”
Mysmilefell.
Thereitwas.Thegiant,trumpetingelephantintheroom.
AlexandIhadavoidedtalkingaboutwhathappenedsinceourconfrontationafterhebrokeupwithAva.
Howhebecamemyfriendonlytogetclosertomyfather.
Howhe’dusedAvaandbrokeherheart.
Howhe’dliedtomeforsevenfuckingyears.
He’dtriedreachingoutafterheandAvagotbacktogether,butI’dignoredhimandwe’dneverhadareal,honestconversationaboutit.
Itwaslongpastdue,butthatdidn’tstopmystomachfromknottingwithdreadattheprospectofdiggingupbonesfromthepast.
“Iunderstandwhyyou’restillupsetwithme.Itwas…abetrayaloftrust,whatIdid.ButI…”Alexpaused,clearlysearchingfortherightwords.AspeechlessAlexVolkovwasararesight,andIwould’vereveledinitmorehadInotbeensodistractedbytheburninmychest.
“I’veneverhadmanyfriends,”hefinallysaid.“PeopleflockedtomebecauseIwasrich,smart,andIcouldhelpthemgetwhattheywanted.”Helistedthequalitiesinadetachedmanner,soself-assuredhecameoffmoreanalyticalthanarrogant.“Theyweretransactionalrelationships,andIwasfinewiththat.Butyouweremyfirstrealfriend.Evenifmyintentionsweren’ttrueatthestartofourfriendship,everythingthatcameafterwas.”
Theburnintensified.“Whatyoudidwasfuckedup.”
“Iknow.”
Irubbedahandovermyface,tryingtoquietthedebateraginginmyhead.
We’dreachedaforkintheroad.IcouldeitherstayonthecircularpathI’dwalkedforthepasttwoyears,orIcouldtaketheonlyexitavailabletome.
Thefirstoptionwascomfortableandfamiliar,thelatterunknownandscaryasfuck.Ididn’twanttoendupbetrayedandliedtoagain.
ButJuleswasright.Holdingontoangerwasexhausting,andIwasalreadysofuckingtiredthesedays.Physically,mentally,emotionally.
Sometimes,itwasastrugglejusttobreathe.
“It’sbeenalmosttwoyears.”Iwashalfwaytotheexit,butIcouldn’tbringmyselftotaketheleapjustyet.“Whybringthisupnow?”
“Becauseyou’rethemoststubbornpersonI’veevermet.Ifsomeonetriestopushyouinonedirection,you’lldoyourbesttogointheother.”Dryhumorlacedhiswords.“ButwhatIdidwaswrong,andIam…sorry.Forthemostpart.”
Whatthefuck?“That’stheworstdamnapologyI’veeverheard.”
“Idon’taspiretobethetypeofpersonwhoapologizessomuchthatthey’regoodatit.”
TypicalAlexlogic.
“ButifIhadn’tdonewhatIdid,wewould’veneverbeenfriends,andmylife…”Another,longerpause.“Mylifewouldbehalfofwhatitistoday,”hefinishedsoftly.
Theburninmychestspread,andmythroatflexed.“You’rebecomingsentimental,Volkov.Don’tletyourbusinessopponentsknoworthey’lleatyoualive.”
“Aucontraire.MoresentimentalityinmypersonallifemeansmoresteamIneedtoletoffelsewhere.It’sbeenverylucrativeforbusiness.”Alexoozedsatisfaction.
“I’msureithas.”Ipassedmyhandovermyfaceagain,tryingtofigureoutwheretogofromhere.ThiswasnothowI’denvisionedthedaygoingwhenIwokeup.“Youknowwecan’tjustgobacktobeingbestfriendsagainandpretendlikethepastdidn’thappen,right?”
Thelineofhisjawturnedrigid.“Iknow.”
“But…ifyouwanttocatchaNatsgameorsomethingwhenwe’rebackinD.C.,Iwouldn’tbeopposed,”Iaddedgruffly.
Alexrelaxed,andasmileflickeredoverhismouth.“Youmisstheboxseats,don’tyou?”
“Hellyeah.I’mopentobriberyifyouwouldliketogetbackintomygoodgraces.”
“I’llkeepthatinmind.”
IfinishedmyseconddrinkbeforeIasked,“HowdidyouknowAvawastheone?”
I’dneverbeeninlove.Ididn’tparticularlywanttobe,butIwantedtoknowwhatcrackedAlex’sstonyheart.BeforeAva,Icouldimaginearobotmorecapableoffeelingthanthemansittingnexttome.
“Ilikebeingwithher.”
“Noshit.Bemorespecific.”
Hesighed.“It’seasybeingwithher,”hesaidafteralongmoment.“Sheunderstandsmeinawaynooneelsedoes,evenifourworldviewsarefundamentallydifferent.WhenI’mnotwithher,Iwishshewerethere.WhenIamwithher,Iwantthatmomenttolastforever.Shemakesmewanttobeabetterperson,andwhenIthinkaboutaworldwhereshedoesn’texist…”Hisjawflexed.“Iwanttoburneveryinchofittotheground.”
Istaredathim.“Holyfuck.WhoareyouandwhatthefuckhaveyoudonetoAlexVolkov?”Iclappedhimontheback.“Whoeveryouare,youshouldwriteforthemurderouseditionofHallmark.”
Alexglaredatme.“TellanyoneIsaidthat,andIwillskinyoualivewitharustedknifetoprolongthepain.”
“Exactly.Justlikethat.Somurderouslyromantic.”
“Yourboxseatsareskatingonthinice,Chen.”
“Hey,remember.I’mtheonewhohastoforgiveyou.Benice.”Imotionedthebartenderforanotherdrink.
Despitemyjokes,mybraincouldn’tstopreplayingAlex’swords.
WhenI’mnotwithher,Iwishshewerethere.WhenIamwithher,Iwantthatmomenttolastforever.
I’dneverfeltthatwaytowardawoman…exceptforone.
Unbiddenimagesfromthepasttwomonthsranthroughmyhead.MeandJulesbeneaththetreeatthepicnic.MetellingheraboutTanya’sdeathinthelibrary.TheadorablewayherbrowscrunchedwhenshewasconcentratingandtheproudsmilethatlitupherfacewhenIfinallyproclaimedherreadyforthebunnyslopeinVermont.
Thewayshelaughed,thewayshetasted,andthewayIfeltwhenIwaswithher,likeIneverwantedhertoleave.
I’dchalkedallthatuptoamixtureoflustandblossomingfriendship,butwhatif…
No.Fuckno.
Sweatmistedmypalms.Itossedbackmydrinkwithouttastingit.
IdidnotlikeJules.Halfourfuckswerehatefucks.Theywerehot,butjustbecauseIlikedfuckingherdidn’tmeanIwantedanythingelsefromher.
Sowhatifshewasn’tasterribleasIoriginallyenvisioned?Shewasstillher.
Infuriating,snarky,apaininmyfuckingass…andloyal.Passionate.Sobeautifulsometimesithurttolookather.
WhatwouldIdoinaworldwhereJulesdidn’texist?Iwouldn’tburnitdown,but…
Fuck,whywasitsohotinhere?
Myphonevibratedwithanincomingcall.Iansweredit,relievedforthedistraction.Iwouldtakeahundredtelemarketersovermywildlydisturbingthoughts.
“Hello?”Ididn’trecognizethenumber,butitcontainedEldorra’scountrycode.Maybeitwasthepalaceorsomething.
“Hey,it’sme,”Avasaid.Shesoundedsubdued.
“What’sup?Aren’tyousupposedtobeattheclubrightnow?”
Myshort-livedreliefatthedistractionfadedwhensheexplainedhersituation.Godmotherfuckingdammit.I’dwantedmoreexcitementearlier,butIshould’vefuckingclarified,becausethiswasnotwhatIhadinmind.“Okay.I’llberightthere…no.We’lltalkaboutitlater.”
Alex’sbrowsformedadeepVashelistenedtomyendofthecall.
“What’swrong?”heaskedafterIhungup.
“It’sAvaandthegirls.”Istoodandshruggedonmyjacket,alreadyhalfwayoutthedoor.“Theygotarrested.”30JULES
Inmydefense,Ihadagoodreasonforbreakingaguy’snoseandinadvertentlystartingaclubfight.ThedickheadhadgrabbedAva’sassandstartedgrindingonherevenaftershesaidnoandtriedtopushhimoff.WhenmyandStella’sattemptsatinterventionalsofailed,IdidwhatIhadtodo.Itappedhisshoulder,waitedforhimtoturnaround,andsuckerpunchedhimintheface.
Hisfriendshadjumpedintothefray,and,well,youcanguesswhereitwentfromthere.
IntheUS,theincidentwould’veendedwithusthrownoutoftheclub,butEldorra’sstrictpublicdisturbancelawslandedallofus,Dickheadandfriendsincluded,inthelovelycountyjail
“AtleastBr—ourotherfriendwasn’twithus,”Isaid,optingforoptimism.“Thatwould’vebeenamess.”
AvaandStellamurmuredinagreement
BridgetwasacommonEldorranname,butIerredonthesideofcautionincasetheofficerleadingustowardtheexitpiecedtwoandtwotogether.Thenagain,we’dhadtoprovideourrealnameswhenwewerebooked.Ifanyoneonstaffpaidattentiontothetabloids,theywouldrecognizeusasBridget’sbridesmaids,nomatterhowgoodajobthemakeupartisthaddoneindisguisingus.
Iadjustedmybrunettewig.Betweenthewig,mycoloredcontacts,andthemakeupartist’smind-blowingskills,Ibarelyrecognizedmyselformyfriends.It’dallowedustoenjoytheclubinpeaceuntilBridgetleftearlybecauseshehadamorninginterviewwithVogueEldorra.However,she’dinsistedwestayandpartygivenitwasourlastnightof“freedom”beforetheweddinginsanity.
Atthetime,it’dseemedlikeagoodidea.Now,afterthreehoursofdetainmentandtheprospectoffacingafuriousJosh,itseemedlikeamonumentalmistake.
Anxietyspearedmystomachaswesteppedintothereceptionarea.
We’dusedouronephonecallonJosh,askinghimtobailusout.Well,Avahad.Shecould’vecalledAlex,butshewasworriedhe’dfreakout,soshe’dphonedherbrotherinsteadwhileshefiguredouthowtoexplainthesituationtoherboyfriend.Joshwouldalsofreakout,buttoalesserextentthanAlex.
Asitturnedout,weneedn’thavegonethroughthetrouble.
AlexandJoshbothwaitedintheexitarea,theirfacescarvedwithtension.
“Areyouokay?”AlexcrossedtheroomintwolongstridesandgrippedAva’sarms.Worryblazedinhiseyesashesearchedherforinjuries.
Luckily,otherthanmyswollenknuckles,Dickhead’sbrokennose,andacoupleofbruisedegos,we’descapedunscathed.
“I’mfine,”Avareassuredhim.“Really.”
Alex’slipspressedtogether,buthedidn’tsayanythingelseasweexitedthebuildingandclimbedintothetowncarwaitingoutside.
ThicksilencemuffledtheluxuriousinteriorwhileAva,Stella,andIremovedourdisguisesandwipedoffourmakeupusingthebabywipesI’dstashedinmyclutch.Themakeupartisthadcontouredmynoseintoadifferentshape,addedanalarminglyrealisticmoleonmyupperlip,anddrawnthicker,darkereyebrowsthatmatchedmywig.Watchingthemaskmeltawayinthecar’swindowreflectionasIscrubbedawipeovermyfacewasabitsurreal.
JoshandAlexhadn’tsaidawordaboutourdisguiseswhentheysawus,andtheydidn’tsayanythingnowaswetookthemoff.
Alarmprickledmystomach.Usually,Joshwouldbethefirsttomakeasmartasscomment,sohissilencedidn’tbodewell.
Alexspokeagainhalfwaytoourhotel.“What,”hesaid,hisvoicesochillyittriggeredarashofgoosebumpsonmyarms,“thehellhappened?”
MyfriendsandIexchangedglances.AvagaveJoshabriefrundownearlier,buthedidn’tknowthedetails,andwecouldn’ttellAlexthetruth.
“Someguygropedme,andIpunchedhim,”Isaid,takingcreativelibertywiththetruth.“Itescalatedfromthere.WhoknewEldorrahadsuchstrictlawsaboutclubfights?”
Avacastastartledglanceinmydirection.Sheopenedhermouth,butIfrownedandflickedmyeyesatAlex.
Sheclosedhermouth,thoughshedidn’tlookhappyaboutit.SheknewaswellasIdidthatifAlexfoundoutsomeguyhadgropedher,hewouldcommitmurder,andwedidn’tneedthatkindofbloodshedtwodaysbeforeBridget’swedding.
AshadowpassedoverJosh’sfaceatmyreply,buthestayedsilent.
“Isee.”Alex’sexpressionwasunreadable,buthesmoothedastraystrandofhairoutofAva’seyewithmoregentlenessthanIthoughthimcapableof.“Howdoestheotherguylook?”
Icrackedasmile.“Ibrokehisnose.”
AhintofasmirkfilledAlex’smouthbeforeitflattenedagain.“Good.Ipaidasignificantsumofmoneytowipethosepolicechargesoffyourrecords,soitbetterhavebeenworthit.”
HepulledAvaclosertohimandkissedthetopofherheadwhileshecurledupagainsthisside.Hewhisperedsomethinginherear,andshemurmuredsomethingbackthateasedthetensioninhisshoulders.
Itwasacasual,domesticscene.Nothingextraordinary.YetittriggeredalongingsofierceandunexpectedIhadtoturnaway.
Ifirmlybelievedpeopledidn’tneedasignificantothertobehappy.Ifsomeonewantedtobeinarelationship,great.Iftheydidn’t,alsogreat.Thesamewentforchildren,marriage,etc.Therewerenouniversalbarometersforhappiness.Aperson’slifecouldbejustasfulfillingwithoutaromanticpartnerasitwaswithone.
Butthereweretimes,likenow,whenIyearnedtoexperiencethatkindofunconditionallove.Tohavesomeonecareformethroughthegood,thebad,andtheinevitablemistakesImade.
WhatwoulditbeliketobelovedsodeeplybysomeoneIwouldn’thavetoworryabouteverylittlemovepossiblydrivingthemaway?
“No,no,no!”Mymomrippedthecurlingironfrommyhand.“Lookatthismessyoumade.”ShegesturedatthecurlsI’dspentthepasthourperfecting.“Alastairwillbeheresoon,andIlooklikeI’mwearingarat’snestonmyhead.HowmanytimesdoIhavetoteachyouhowtodothis?Whatgoodisithavingadaughterifyoucan’tdoonesimplethingright?”
Myteethdugintomybottomlip.“ButIdiditexactlylikeyou—”
“Don’ttalkbacktome.”Adelinedroppedthestill-hotirononthetableandyankedabrushthroughherhairwithsharp,hardstrokes,undoingallmywork.“Youdidthisonpurpose,didn’tyou?Youwantmetobeugly.”Hereyeswelledwithtears.“NowIhavetofixyourmess.”
Myteethdugharderintomylipuntilthecopperytasteofbloodfilledmymouth.Shedidn’tlooklikeamessatall.Shelookedbeautiful,asalways.Mymomwasn’tasyoungasinthebeautypageantpicturesshedisplayedalloverthehouse,butherskinwasstillsmoothandunlined.Herhairwasarichauburn,andherbodywastheenvyofeverywomanintown.
EveryonesaidIlookedlikeher,especiallynowthatmyskinhadclearedandI’dfinallygraduatedtoarealbra.Boyswerestartingtopayattentiontome,includingBillyWelch,thecutestboyinmyeighth-gradeclass.
IthoughtmymomwouldbehappyIlookedlikeher,buteverytimesomeonementionedit,herfacedarkened,andshe’dmakeanexcusetoleave.
“Go.Idon’twanttolookatyouanymore.”Adeline’seyesrakedovermefromheadtotoe.Herangermultiplieduntilitbecameatangible,snarlingmonsterintheroom.“Go!”
Thetearsfinallyspilleddownmycheeks.
Iranoutofherroomandintomine.Islammedthedoorbehindmeandcrawledintomybed,whereItriedtomufflemycrieswithmypillows.Ourwallsweresothinshecouldprobablyhearme,andmymomhatedwhenIcried.Shesaiditwasunbecoming.
Myhiccuppingsobsfilledtheroom.
Shewasrighttobemad.Shehadabigdatewiththerichestmanintown,whocouldtakecareofallourmoneytroublesiftheygotmarriedlikeshewanted.
WhatifIruineditbymessingupherhair?Whatifhebrokeupwithherandshehatedmeforeverforit?
MymomandIusedtobebestfriends,butIcouldn’tdoanythingrightthesedays,andshekeptgettingmadatme
AfterIranoutoftearstocry,Iwipedmyeyeswiththebackofmyhandandtookadeep,shudderingbreath.
It’sokay.It’llbeokay.
Nexttime,I’lldoherhairright.Thenmymomwilllovemeagain.Iwassureofit.
Iblinkedbacktheburninmyeyesatthememory.
Myphonebuzzedagainstmythighaswepulleduptothehotel.MystomachcrampedwhenacandidphotoofmearrivinginAthenbergpoppedup.Somedipshitattheairportmust’vetakenit.
Max:Sawthisonagossipblog.Lookinggood,J.
Max:Butwebothknowyou’vealwayslookedgoodoncamera
Ihatedthese“casual”textsmorethanIhatedMax’sovertlythreateningones.Theywereaconstantreminderofhispresenceinmylife.EverytimeIrelaxedaninch,anotheronepoppedup,settingmeonedgeagain.
Ofcourse,thatwashisintention.Maxwantedtotorturemewiththeuncertainty,andhewasfuckingsucceeding.
IwipedmyclammypalmsagainstthesidesofmythighsasIexitedthecarandenteredthehotel.Alex,Josh,Ava,Stella,andIrodetheelevatoruptoourfloorinsilence,andmyfriendshadalreadydisappearedintotheirroomswhenJosh’svoicestoppedmeinmytracks.
“Iwanttotalktoyouforasecond.”
Istiffened,mystomachcrampingagainforanentirelydifferentreason.ThelastthingIneededwastogetyelledatbyJosh,ofallpeople.
Still,Isteppedintohissuitewithoutprotest,andthedoorshutbehinduswithasoftclick.
Weweretakingahugerisk,consideringourclosecallwithAvaearlierthatday,butthatwastheleastofmyworriesrightnow.
Joshdidn’tsayaword,buthedidn’tneedto.Hissilentjudgmentprickedatme,familiarandstinging.
Icouldguesswhathewasthinking.
Thatitwasmyfault.ThatIwasabadinfluence.ThatI’ddraggedAvaintotroubleyetagain.
Itwasalwaysmyfault.
“Justsayit.”Istaredatthedarkflat-screenTVhangingonthewall,takinginmymessyhairandtiredface.Thisnightturnedouttobeatotalnightmare.MyonlyconsolationwasthatBridgetleftbeforeshitwentdownhillsoshedidn’thavetheaddedstressbeforeherwedding.
MychinwobbledwhenJoshclosedinenoughforhisbodyheattoenvelopme.
“Areyouokay?”heaskedquietly.Hecuppedthebackofmyneckandrubbedsmallcircleswithhisthumb.
Pressureballoonedinmychestathistouch.“Yep.”
“Jules,lookatme.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherandshookmyhead,afraiddoingsowoulddestroytheflimsydamholdingmytearsback.
“Jules.”Joshsteppedinfrontofmeandgraspedmychinbetweenhisthumbandforefinger.Hetilteditup,forcingmetomeethiseyes.Visibleconcernerodedhisgranitemask.“What’swrong?”
“Nothing.I’mtiredandIwanttosleep,sojustyellatmelikeyoualwaysdoandgetitoverwith.”
Surprisecoastedthroughhiseyes.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Irubbedmyarms,wishingI’dwornsomethingmoresubstantialthanmygreensilkminidress.“Tonight.Avagotarrestedbecauseofme,I’mabadinfluence,etc.I’mfamiliarwiththescriptbynow.You’veneverthoughtIwasgoodenough.”
Amuscletickedalongthelineofhisstrongjaw.“Ineversaidthat.”
“Butyouwerethinkingit.”
Joshdroppedhishandandrubbeditoverhisface.“I’lladmit,whenIreceivedAva’scall,Iwaspissedthatyouguyshadgottenintotroubleagain,butmorethanthat,Iwasworried.Notonlyabouther…”Hisvoicedropped.“Butalsoaboutyou.”
“Why?”
“Whywhat?”
“Whydoyoucare?”
Silencehummedinthespacebetweenus,sotautitthreatenedtosnapatanysecond.
Josh’sAdam’sapplebobbedwiththeforceofhisswallow,buthedidn’treply.
Myhearttwisted.Right.ThatwaswhatIthought.
“Youdon’thavetopretendtocarejustbecausewe’rehavingsex.”
Fakeconcernwasathousandtimesworsethannoconcernatall,becausefakeconcerngavewaytofalsehope,andfalsehopedestroyedsouls.ItwasoneofthebiggestlessonsI’dlearnedinmyearlyyears.AllthetimesIthoughtsomeonecaredaboutmewhentheyonlywantedsomethingfromme,andwhentheygotit,theytossedmeasidewithoutasecondthought.Until,ofcourse,theyneededsomethingagain.
“Iheardwhatyousaid,”Iaddedthroughthelumpinmythroat.“ToAva.”
AfrowncreasedJosh’sbrow.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Freshmanyear.Ourdorm.”Partofmewasembarrassed,bringingupsomethingfromsolongago,butthemomenthadclungtomelikeivy,itspoisonslowlyeatingawayatmeovertheyears.“Iheardyoutellhertostopbeingfriendswithme.”
IhitchedthestrapofmybaghigheronmyshoulderasIwalkeddownthehalltowardmyroom.Myprofessorhadanemergencyandcouldn’tmakeittocampus,soIhadanextrahourtokill.MaybeIcouldcheckoutoneoftheindiebookstoresnearcampusafterIdroppedoffmytextbook.
Outside,graycloudsthreatenedrain,andtherewasnothingcozierthanbrowsingabookstoreduringarainstorm.Icouldalreadyhearthequietflipofpagesandsmelltheuniquelysweetmuskofoldbooks.
Istoppedoutsidemyroomandfishedmykeycardoutofmybag,butbeforeIcouldopenthedoor,adeepvoicefloatedthroughthethinwood.
“Whycan’tyouswitchroommates?I’msurethehousingofficewillaccommodateyouonceyouexplainthesituationwithJules.”
Ifroze,myheartsuddenlypoundingtoofastforcomfort.
“BecauseIdon’twanttoswitchroommates,Josh.”Ava’sfirmrefusalwarmedsomeofthechillonmyskin.“She’smyfriend.”
“You’veonlyknownherfortwomonths,andshe’salreadygettingyouintotrouble,”Joshargued.“Lookatwhathappenedwiththeclocktower.”
Heatprickledmyface.MaybesneakingintoThayer’soff-limitsclocktowertodrinkwasn’tthebestidea,butit’dbeenfun,andAvahadwantedtodosomethingcrazy.Plus,campussecurityreleaseduswithaslaponthewristaftertheycaughtus,sowehadn’tgottenintohugetroubleoranything.
“Shedidn’tmakemegothereatgunpoint,”Avasaid.“WhatisyourproblemwithJules?You’vebeenonhercasesinceyoumether.”
“BecauseIlookatherandIalreadyknowshe’stroublewaitingtohappen.Hell,she’stroublethatalreadyhappened.”Joshsighed.“Yes,you’reroommates,butyoubarelyknowher.Youcanmakeotherfriends,Ava.She’sbadnews.Youdon’tneedsomeonelikethatinyourlife.”
I’dheardenough.
Ispunonmyheelsandspeed-walkedtowardtheexit,hurtbloominginmychestbeforeitgavewaytoanger.
FuckJosh.We’dinteractedmaybefourtimes,andhewasalreadypassingjudgmentonmebasedononeincident.
Hedidn’tknowmelikehethoughthedid.ButIalreadyknewIhatedhim.
Josh’stanleachedofcolor.“Thatwassevenyearsago,”hesaidinalowvoice.“Peoplechange.Sodoopinions.”
“Didyours?Becauseuntilwestartedhavingsex,youtreatedmethesameasyoudidincollege.”
Heflinched.“Look,Ishouldn’thavesaidwhatIsaid,butI…I’mprotectiveofAva,especiallyafterwhathappenedwhenwewerekids.YouknowaswellasIdohowtrustingsheis,andsometimes,shetruststhewrongpeople.Iknownowyou’renotoneofthem,butIbarelyknewyoubackthen.Iwasworried,andIoverreacted.”
“Whatabouttheyearsafterthat?”Icouldn’tshakethestingfromthememory.“You’veneverlikedme.”
“Becauseyoudidn’tlikeme!”Joshpushedahandthroughhishair.HewascloseenoughIcouldfeelthefrustrationpouringoffhim.“Wegotcaughtinthiscycleofinsultingandhatingeachother,andIdidn’tknowhowtobreakit.”
“Sowhatchanged?Besidessex.”
“It’snot…”Hefaltered,andthelumpinmythroatmagnified.
“Exactly.”Don’tcry.Don’tcry.“Stopwiththefakeconcern,Josh.It’sdisingenuous.”
Hisnostrilsflared,andforthefirsttimethatnight,angerglintedinhiseyes.“Forsomeonewho’ssopissedaboutmemakingassumptionsabouther,you’remakinganawfulfucklottaassumptionsaboutme.”
“Itdoesn’tmeanthey’rewrong.”
Ididn’tfinishspeakingbeforeJoshclosedthedistancebetweenusandcrashedhismouthovermine.Iclutchedhisarms,willingtheacheinmychestawayevenasmybodyrespondedtohis.
“Isthatwhatyouwant,then?”hegrowledagainstmylips.“Justsex,nofeelings?”
“Thatwasalwaystheplan.”Iinjectedforcedlightnessintomytone.“Unlessyou’renotupforit.”
“It’slikeyoulivetopissmeoff,Red.”Hisgripturnedtosteelaroundmywristsbeforehereleasedthem.“Getonyourknees.”
Bythetimemykneeshitthecarpet,he’dalreadyundidhisbeltandpants,andheatcoiledinmybelly.
This.ThiswaswhatIwascomfortablewith.
Notdeepconversationsorfriendshiporhopeforsometypeoffuture.Justsex.ItwasallI’devergiven,andallanyonewantedfromme.
IclosedmyeyeswhenJoshenteredme,losingmyselftothesensationsofhisbodymovingovermine.Heplayedmeliketheworld’smosteroticsong,anddespitethehighemotionofthenight,Istillcamewithenoughforcetotemporarilywipemymindblank.
Butwhentheorgasmicblissfloatedaway,thepressurebehindmyribcagereturned,strongerthanever.
Josh’sharshbreathssoundeddeafeninginthesilence,andacrazy,horrifyingpartofmewantedtostayhereandlistentohimbreatheforever.
“Getoffme.”
Wewerebothstillonthefloor.Hisbodycagedmine,andIcouldfeelhiseveryinhaleandexhaleagainstmyback
“Jules…”Hisrawvoicescrapedagainstmyshreddednerves.
Thiswasamistake.Everythingwasamistake.
“Isaidgetoffme.”Ishovedhimoffandscrambledtomyfeet,straighteningmyclotheswithtremblinghands.
Joshwatchedme,hisfacetautwithregretandsomethingelseIcouldn’tidentify,buthedidn’tsayawordwhenIleft.
IwaiteduntilIreturnedtomyroomandsteppedintotheshowerbeforeIcollapsedbeneaththeweightofthenight.
Thearrest,Max,Josh,everything.ItallbarreledintomeuntilIsankontothefloorandcurledmykneesuptomychest,lettingmyselftrulycryforthefirsttimeinyears.
Mytearsmingledwiththewater,andIstayedthereuntiltheshowerrancoldandtherewasnothingleftexceptforsilence.31JULES
Iallowedmyselfonepitypartyayear,soaftermyshowerbreakdown,IgatheredmyselftogetherandpushedthoughtsofMaxandJoshasideuntilafterthewedding.
Luckily,thepalacekeptusbusywithrehearsals,pre-weddingparties,andprotocollessons,andbeforeIknewit,theceremonywasonlyhalfanhouraway.
Bridget,Ava,Stella,Bridget’ssister-in-lawSabrina—hermatronofhonorasdictatedbyprotocol—andIweregatheredinthebridalsuiteforonelastcheckbeforeweenteredthecathedralwheretheweddingwouldtakeplace.
Seventhousandguests.Livebroadcasttomillionsofviewersaroundtheworld.
Nervesflutteredinmystomach.
“IknowI’vesaiditbefore,butthankyouguyssomuchforbeinghere.”Bridget’seyesshimmeredwithemotionasshelookedaroundatus.“Iknowthepreparationshavebeencrazy,andthescrutinyisn’teasy,soIappreciateit.”
“Wewouldn’tmissitfortheworld.”Stellasqueezedherhand,hereyesglowingwithamixofhappinessandmelancholy.
Thesamecontradictoryemotionsdrippedthroughmeastheclockcounteddowntotheceremony.IwastrulyhappyforBridget,especiallyaftereverythingsheandRhyswentthroughtobetogether,buthermarriagemarkedtheendofanera.
MyfriendsandIweregrowingup.Wewerenolongertheyoung,carefreestudentsweoncewere.Wehadn’tbeeninalongtime,butsomehow,Bridget’sweddingdrovethatfacthomeharderthanhercoronationhad.
Gonewerethedaysofimpromptuweekendtrips,latenightspasessionsinourdorm,andweeklycatchupsovercoffeeandsconesatTheMorningRoast.
Now,AvalivedwithAlexandwasconstantlytravelingforherjob.Bridgetwasaliteralqueenandabouttogetmarried.AndStellawassobusywiththemagazineandherblogIbarelysawher,eventhoughwewereroommates.
Butwhenweweretogether,itwaslikeoldtimesagain,andIwouldnevertakethatforgranted
“TellRhystotreatyourightorhe’llhavetoanswertous,”Stellaadded.
Despiteherthreat,weknewwedidn’tneedtoworry.RhystreatedBridgetlikeaqueenevenbeforesheascendedtothethrone.
Bridget’ssoftlaughcontainedatouchofwateriness.“Iwill.”
Someoneknockedonthedoor.Freja,thepalace’scommunicationssecretary,enteredanddippedherheadatBridget
“YourMajesty.Areyouready?”
ApprehensioncascadedacrossBridget’sfaceforthefirsttimethatday,butshestraightenedhershouldersandnodded.
Wedidonelasthairandmakeupcheckbeforewefileddownstairsandacrossthelonghallwayconnectingtheguesthouseandancientcathedral.
Thedoorsopened,andeverythoughtexceptnottrippingduringmyendlesswalkdowntheaislefaded.
Primeministers.Royalty.Celebrities.Josh.
Allintheaudiencestaringatme,butofthethousandsofpairsofeyes,oneinparticularsearedintomewhenIpassedthepewsreservedforthebrideandgroom’sclosefriendsandfamily.
Myheartbeatdrummedlouder.
Itookmyplaceatthealtarandtrainedmyeyesontheentrance,determinednottolookatacertainfriend’sbrotherinthecrowd.
Don’tlook.Don’tlook.Donotlook.
Bridgetenteredonthearmofhergrandfather,theformerKingEdvard,andanawedhushblanketedthecrowd.
Acrossthealtar,Rhysfellunnaturallystill.HiseyeslockedontoBridget’s,andhisfaceglowedwithsuchloveitmademyheartsqueeze.Ameteorcould’velandedinthecathedralandhewouldn’thavebeenabletotearhiseyesawayfromher.
Bridget’sreturningsmilewasvisibleevenbeneathherlaceveil.Themomentstretchedbetweenthem,sorawandintimateIfeltlikeIwasintrudingdespitethethousandsofguestssurroundingus.
Iblinkedawaythetearsgatheringinmyeyes.Iwasn’tcrying.Iwasexpellingexcessmoisture.Thatwasall.
Butwhenthearchbishopstartedtheceremony,Icouldn’tstopmyselffromscanningthepewstotampdownmyemotion.ThelastthingIneededwastouglycryonlivetelevision.
MygazeskippedoverahandfulofrecognizableEuropeanroyals,aworld-famouspopsinger,andtheup-and-comingsoccerstarAsherDonovanbeforeitsnaggedonJosh.
Somuchfornotlookingathim.
Hesatinthesecondrowbehindtheroyalfamily,devastatinginablacktuxedo.He’dtamedhishairintoaneatstylethatemphasizedthefinelychiseledlinesofhischeekbones,andhiscoaldarkeyesburnedintominewithanintensitythatseepedbeneathmyskin.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
Myheartbeatdrownedoutthearchbishop’svoiceasJosh’seyesheldmecaptive.
IshouldlookawaybeforemyfacebroadcasttotheworldwhatIwasn’treadytoadmitmyself.
AndthefactthatIcouldn’tterrifiedmemorethananyblackmailormonsterfrommypastcould.32JOSH
Ifregularweddingceremonieswerelong,royalceremonieswereinterminable.
Thenoveltyofbeingsurroundedbytheworld’srichestandmostfamousfadedfastthelongerIsatonthatass-numbingwoodenpew.IwashappyforBridgetandRhys,butallIcouldthinkaboutwasJules.
Thewayweleftthingstheothernightgnawedatme,andifwedidn’tcleartheairsoon,Iwouldfuckingloseit
Istaredatherasshestoodatthealtar.Sheworethesamepurpledressandcarriedthesamebouquetastheotherbridesmaids,butsheglowedinawaythatmadeitimpossibletolookaway.
Itracedherfeatureswithmyeyes,soakinginthelushcurveofherlipsandthefineplanesofherfeatures.WhenshesmiledatBridget’sentrance,somethingtrippedinmyheart.
Somepeoplesmiledwiththeirmouths;Julessmiledwithherwholeface.Thesparkleinhereyes,theadorablecrinkleofhernose,thesmallcreaseinhercheek…watchinghersmilewaslikewatchingthenightskylightupwithstars.
Mymusclestightenedwhenshescannedthepews.Ifsheturnedjustonemoreinch…onemorecentimeter…
Oureyesmet.Held.
WhitehotsparksofawarenessblazeddownmyspinewithsuchforceIalmostlurchedoffmyseat.IcurledmyhandaroundmykneewhileJules’ssmiledimmedandherfaceflaredwithequalawareness.
Themusicdriftingthroughthecathedralfadedaway,andIwasgrippedbythesuddenurgetostormovertothealtarandwhiskherawaytosomewherewecouldbealone.
Amomentofeyecontactwasn’tenough.Ineeded…fuck,Ididn’tknowwhatIneeded.Toapologize,toexplain,tomakehersmileatmeagainthewayshedidbeforetheothernight.
Ihadn’tspokentoJulessincethenightofBridget’sbachelorette.Forty-eighthours,andherabsencewasalreadyeatingmealive.
WhenI’mnotwithher,Iwishshewerethere.WhenIamwithher,Iwantthatmomenttolastforever.
Sweatcoatedmypalms.
I’dreplayedtheothernightoverandoveragainsinceithappened.
Theunshedtearsinhereyes.ThehurtinhervoicewhenshetoldmesheoverheardmetalkingtoAva.Thewayshejustleftafterwehadsex.
Itwasthefirsttimewe’dtrulyadheredtotherulesofourarrangement.Evenourquickiesatthebeginningendedwithsomeconversation.IthoughtIwouldwelcomeit,butallI’dwantedwastopullherbackintomyroomandkissawayallherhurt.
Imadeitapointtokeepmypromises,butmyvowtobringourrelationshipbacktosex-onlystatushaddiedfasterthanamothflyingintoalamp.
BridgetwalkeddowntheaisleandcutoffmyviewofJulesforasecond.Bythetimeshepassed,Juleshadalreadylookedaway.Hereyeswerenowfixatedonthearchbishop,sodeterminedIsuspectedshewasmakingitapointnottolookatmeagain.
Myhandsfistedonthepewnexttome.
Wewereinthesameroom,butIstillmissedhersomuchamomentofbrokeneyecontactsentadeepachespiralingthroughmychest.
Whatthefuckdidthatsayaboutme?
WhenI’mnotwithher,Iwishshewerethere.WhenIamwithher,Iwantthatmomenttolastforever.
Thesweatonmypalmsintensified.
Itcouldn’tbebecause…Icouldn’tpossibly…
Thepasttwomonthsracedthroughmyheadatwarpspeed.EverythingfromVermonttotheothernightblurredtogetherintoonejumbledstreamuntilcoldrealizationrattledmylungs.
Motherfucker.
***
Bythetimetheceremonyendedandthereceptionrolledaround,Iwasacoilofrawnervesandtightlywoundemotion,anditfinallysnappedwhenIsawJuleslaughingwithAsherDonovannearthedancefloor.
I’dtriedtotalktohermultipletimessinceweleftthecathedral,butshealwayshadsomebridesmaiddutytofulfill.
Nowthatshewasfinallyfree,shewasflirtingwithAsherfuckingDonovan?
Ididn’tfuckingthinkso.
IstormedovertothemandnearlybowledoverthePrimeMinisterofDenmarkinmyhaste.Myheartpoundedoutahard,territorialrhythmwitheachstep.
Mine.Mine.Mine.
Upuntilthismoment,Asherhadbeenoneofmysportsidols,butIwantedtogougehisfuckingeyesoutforlookingatherlikethat.Likeshecouldpossiblybehiswhenshesoclearly,irrevocablybelongedtome.
Asher’seyebrowsshotupwhenhenoticedmyapproach.
“Excuseme.”Iforcedatightsmile.“I’dliketospeakwithJules.”
Jules’sshouldersvisiblytensed.Insteadoflookingatme,shekepthereyesontheotherman.
Mybloodburned.
I’dneverbeenjealousoverawomanbefore,andIhatedhowitmademefeel.LikeIwasatrainbarrelingtowardthesideofamountain,outofcontrolandonthevergeofsnapping.
“Sure.”Asher’sgreeneyesglintedwithamusement.“Jules,itwasnicemeetingyou.”
“Youtoo.”Shesmiledathim,andthefireinmybloodburnedhotter.“Let’smeetupthenexttimeyou’reinD.C.Youhavemynumber.”
Meetup?Number?Whatthefuck?
“I’dloveto.”Asherkissedheronthecheek.Possessivenessburst,hotandugly,inmychest.Iwantedtoyankhimoffheranddeckhiminhisstupidprettyboyface.“Seeyouaround.”
Juleswaiteduntilhewasoutofearshotbeforeturningtome.“Yes?”
“Whatthefuckwasthat?”Itriedandfailedtokeeptheterritorialgrowloutofmyvoice.
“Whatwaswhat?”
Myjawlockedathercool,impersonaltone.“That.”Igesturedinthesoccerstar’sdirection.“WithAsher.Whythefuckdoeshehaveyournumber?”
“BecauseIgaveittohim.”Julesraisedherbrows.“Isthatwhyyousorudelyinterruptedus?Becausewewereinthemiddleofaconversation,andifyoudon’thaveanythingsubstantialtosay,I’dliketocontinueit.”
Iwastemptedtodragherovermylapandspankherforherinsolenttone,buttherewassomethingmoreimportantweneededtodiscussbesidesAsher.
Wecoulddealwithhimlater.
“Weneedtotalk.Alone.”Iglancedatourfriends,buttheyweretoobusyonthedancefloortopayattentiontous.
“I’mbusy,Josh.Ihavebridesmaiddutiestofulfill.”
“They’refulfilled.”
BridgetandRhysalreadyhadtheirfirstdanceandcutthecake,andalltheguestswerebusydancing,gettingdrunk,orgossipingonthesidelines.
Worldleaders:theywerejustlikeus.
“Oh,ofcourse.”Julesplacedahandoverherchest.“Idefertoyourvastexperienceasabridesmaid.Youclearlyknowexactlywhattheroleentails.”
Myknucklestightened.Wewerebackslidingintoourold,bickeringselves.Normally,Iwould’vewelcomeditasasignofnormality,butrightnow,itpissedmethehelloff.
“Outsideinfiveminutes,Red,orI’llbendyouovermylapandspankyourassrawrighthereinfrontofeverygoddamnking,queen,andpresidentintheworld,”Igrowled.
AdarkpinkflushroseonJules’scheeks.“Don’ttellmewhattodo.”
“Thendon’ttestme.”
Iturnedonmyheelandstalkedoutoftheballroom.
Julesmust’veheardthetruthinmythreatbecauseshemetmeoutsidethepartyexactlyfiveminuteslater,herjawsetinastubbornline.
Wewalkeddownthehalluntilwereachedanunlockeddrawingroom.Ishutthedoorbehindus,andthen…silence.
Westaredateachother,theairheavywitholdhurtsandunspokenwords.
You’veneverthoughtIwasgoodenough.
Iheardwhatyousaid.ToAva.
Sowhatchanged?Besidessex.
MyirritationatseeingherwithAsherslowlydrainedaway,replacedwithguiltandshame.Ihadn’tknownJuleswaslistening,butIstillfeltlikeanassholeforwhatIsaid.
“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”Julesasked,hertoneasstiffashershoulders.
“Iwantto…”Ihesitated,wishingIhadsomethingmoresufficientthanwords.“Apologize.”
Onceuponatime,deliveringanapologytoJulesAmbrosewould’vebeenaspainfulascuttingoutmyowntongue.Now,thewordstumbledoutwithrelativeease.
IunderstoodwhyJuleswasupset.Shewasright.I’dbeenanasshole.
Ishould’veapologizedtheothernight,butI’dbeensotakenabackbytherevelationIcouldn’tthinkofaproperresponse.NotonlytowhathappenedwithAva,buttoherfollow-upquestions.
Sowhatchanged?Besidessex.
Everything.
ThatwaswhatIshould’vesaid,hadInotbeentooblindtoseeitandtoochickenshittosayit.
Oursstartedasasex-onlyarrangement,butit’dneverbeenaboutjustsex.EvenwhenIthoughtIhatedher,Iwasalreadysofteningtowardher.Everysmile,everylaugh,andeveryconversationchippedawayattheimageI’dconstructedofherinmyminduntilIwasleftwithsomeoneIdidn’tknowbutcouldn’tbeartoletgoof.
“Youalreadyapologized,”shesaid
“No,Ididn’t.”Itookanothersteptowardher.“I’msorryforaskingAvatoendherfriendshipwithyou.Itwasfuckedup.”
Juleslookedaway.“It’sfine.”
“It’snot.EvenifIdidn’tmeanforyoutohearit,youdid.Ihurtyou,andI’msorry.”
Sheshookherhead.Atearcascadeddownhercheek,glintingsilverinthemoonlight,andsomethinginmychestcracked.“Onceuponatime,youwould’veneverapologized.”
“Onceuponatime,Iwasadickhead.”
“Whosaysyoustillaren’t?”
Asmallsmilecurvedmylips,butitdisappearedwhenJulesspokeagain.
“Whatarewedoing,Josh?Thisissupposedtobejustsex.”
ThatwaswhatIkepttellingmyself,too.ButIwasdamntiredofpretendingourarrangementhadn’tevolvedintosomethingthatcouldn’tbeconstrainedbyrules,andthethoughtthatJulesbelievedIwasusingherforjustsex,evenifshe’dconsentedtoit,mademyhearttwistintoabrutalknot.
Ididn’thaveaproblemwithnostringsattachedsex.Hell,thatwasallI’dindulgedinsinceIstartedhavingsex.ButwithJules,itfeltwrong,likeacustom-madesuitthatstilldidn’tfitright.
“There’sadifferencebetweenwhatsomethingissupposedtobeandwhatitactuallyis,Red.”
Thereitwas.Anadmissionthinlydisguisedasambiguity.
Itlingeredintheair,whichfellsosilentIcouldheartheincreasedtempoofJules’sbreathandeverytickofthegrandfatherclockinthecorner.
Tick.Tick.Tick.
Ididn’tknowwhenIstoppedhatingJulesandstartedcravingher.AllIknewwasthatIdid,andIneverwantedtogoback.
“Maybethereshouldn’tbe.”
Istilled.“What,”Isaid,mycalmvoicebelyingthesuddenstormsurgingthroughmyveins,“isthatsupposedtomean?”
Julesliftedherchin,butIdetectedatinytrembleinhervoice.“Itmeansweshoulddateotherpeople.Ourarrangementisnon-exclusive.It’stimewetakeadvantageofthatclause.”
Adark,uglybeastreareditsheadandsnarledinmychest.“Thefuckwewill.”
Whothefuckcouldshepossiblywanttodate,anyway?AsherDonovan?Thefuckerwasanotoriouswomanizer,andhedidn’tevenliveinD.C.
“Thoseweretherules,”Julespointedout.
“Ruleschange.”
“No.”Sheinchedback,ahintofpaniccreepingintohereyes.“Notwithus.”
“You’veneverhadanissuebendingtherulesbefore.”
Isteppedtowardher;shesteppedback.Asimple,ceaselessdancethatendeduntilherbackwaspressedagainstthewallandlessthananinchseparatedhermouthfrommine.
“Whatareyousoafraidof,Red?”Mybreathghostedacrossherskin.
“I’mnotafraidofanything.”
“Bullshit.”
“Thiswassupposedtobesimple.”
“It’snot.”
There’dneverbeenanythingsimpleabouther.
Juleswasthemostcomplicated,fascinatingpersonI’devermet.
Sheclosedhereyes.“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”sheasked,soundingresigned.
Anothertearslippeddownhercheek.Iwipeditawaywithmythumb,fierceprotectivenessrisinginsideme.
Ididn’tknowwhatIwantedfromher,butIknewIwantedher.IknewshehauntedmythoughtsandinvadedmydreamsuntilshewastheonlythingIcouldsee.AndIknewthatbeingwithherwasoneofthefewtimesItrulyfeltalive.
“Iwantyou.”Ididn’tneedtodressthetruthupwinflowerylanguage;itwaspowerfulenoughonitsown.“We’renotdatingotherpeople,Red.Idon’tgiveafuckwhattheoriginaltermsofourarrangementwere.Doyouwanttoknowwhy?”
Ahardswallowdisruptedthedelicatelinesofherthroat.“Why?”
Iloweredmyheadandwoundmyhandthroughherhair,pullingherevenclosertome.
“Becauseyou’remine,”Isaidagainsthermouth.“Letanothermantouchyou,Jules,andyou’llfindoutjusthoweasilyIcantakeaman’slifeasIcansaveone.”33JULES
Becauseyou’remine.Letanothermantouchyou,Jules,andyou’llfindoutjusthoweasilyIcantakeaman’slifeasIcansaveone.
Josh’swordsplayedonaloopinmyheadlikeabeautiful,terrifyingbrokenrecord.Fourdayslater,andI’veyettofindthepausebutton.
Evennow,asItappedawayatmycomputeratLHAC,IsensedthewhisperofJosh’sdeclarationagainstmyskin.
Ourconversationhadendedafterthat.We’dreturnedtothewedding,myheartavigorousdruminmychest,mybloodelectricinmyveins.Itwaslikehe’dwantedtoengravehiswordsinmymind,andhe’dsucceeded.
Whatareyousoafraidof,Red?
Everything.
I’dalwaysbeenthegood-timegirl,theonewhostucktocasualflingsandpushedguysawaybeforetheygottooclose.Scaredthatiftheylookedtooclosely,theywouldseetherealme,andtherealmewouldn’tbeenough.
Ithadn’tbeenenoughformymomorMax.Sometimes,itwasn’tenoughevenforme.
ButJoshhadseentheworstofme,assumedtheworstofme,andhestillwantedtostay.Itwasenoughtoinducethatmostdangerousofemotions:hope.
He’sseenmostoftheworstofyou,atauntingvoicewhisperedinmyhead.
Hedidn’tknowaboutmypastorthethingsI’ddoneformoney.Heneverwould.NotifIcouldhelpit.
“Jules.”
Ijumped,myheartthundering,beforeIrelaxed.“Hey,Barbs.”
Thereceptionistleanedagainstmycubicleandtappedthecomputerscreen.“Timetogo,hun.Theofficeisclosed.”
Ilookedaround,shockedtoseetheofficehad,infact,emptied.Ihadn’tevennoticedtheothersleave.
“Right.”Irubbedahandovermyface.God,Iwasoutofit.“Letmejustcloseeverythingoutfirst.”
“Noparticularrushonmyend.”Sheeyedmewithaspeculativeexpression.“IwassurprisedJoshdidn’tcomeintodaytocelebratetheBowercase.It’shisdayofftoo.”
We’dsuccessfullyclearedTerenceBower’scriminalrecord,andwefoundoutthatmorningthathe’dlandedajobthatwouldtidethefamilyoverwhilehiswiferecovered.Itwasabigwinforus,buteventhoughI’dworkedonthecasesinceIstartedatLHAC,Icouldn’tsummonmuchexcitement.
Iwastoobusyworryingovermylifetocelebratesomeoneelse’s,nomatterhowhappyIwasforthem.
Still,mystomachflutteredatthesoundofJosh’sname.“Don’tknowwhy.You’llhavetoaskhim.”IsavedthedocumentIwasworkingonandloggedoff.
“Hmm.Ithoughtyouwouldknow,sinceyou’refriendlyandall.”AmischievousgleamlitupBarbs’seyes.“Youtwowouldmakeagreat-lookingcouple.”
“Wouldwe?”Mycheeksheated,butIkeptmyvoiceeven.“IimagineI’dcarrymostoftheweightinthatsituation.”
Herbodyshookwithlaughter.“See,you’rewhatthatboyneeds.He’ssurroundedbytoomanyyespeople.Allthewomenfawningoverhimandnotquestioningasinglethinghesaysordoes.”Sheshookherhead.“Heneedssomeonetokeephimonhistoes.Toobadyou’renotinterested…areyou?”
Sheleanedforward,andIfinallyunderstoodwhytheclinicstaffcalledhertheofficematchmaker.
“Goodnight,Barbs,”Isaidpointedly,earningmyselfanotherlaugh.
“G’night,hun.We’lltalklater.”Shewinkedbeforereturningtoherdesk.
Ipackedupmybelongings.ItwasoddthatJoshdidn’tcomein,butmaybehewascatchinguponrest.He’dbeenworkingovertimeatthehospitaltomakeupforthedayshe’dmissedwhenhewasinEldorra.Ihadn’tseenhimsincewereturnedtoD.C.,andI’dbeenhesitanttotexthim.
Afterthewayweleftthings,itseemedwrongforourfirstpost-weddinginteractiontobeanythingbutfacetoface.
Ialsohadn’tfiguredouthowtorespondtohisimplicitrequesttochangeourarrangement,sotherewasthat.
Myphonerang,draggingmeoutofmychaoticthoughts.
IwassodistractedIanswereditwithoutcheckingthecallerIDfirst.“Hello?”
“MayIspeakwithJulesMiller,please?”anunfamiliarfemalevoiceasked
Ifrozeattheuseofmyoldname.Iwastemptedtotellthemtheyhadthewrongnumber,butcuriosityoverwhelmedmysenseofself-preservation.
“Speaking.”Iclutchedthephonetightertomyear.
“Ms.Miller,I’mcallingfromWhittlesburgHospital.It’saboutAdelineMiller.”Hervoicegentled.“I’mafraidIhavesomesadnews.”
Mystomachspiraledintofreefall.No.
Iknewwhatshewasgoingtosaybeforeshesaidit.
“I’msorrytotellyouthatMrs.Millerdiedthisafternoon…”
Ibarelyheardtherestofherwordsthroughtheroarinmyears.
AdelineMiller.
Mymom.
Mymomwasdead.34JOSH
ThedoorbellrangwhenIalmostwrestledmysuitcaseclosed.Theunexpectedsoundstartledmeintolooseningmyholdontheshell,whichpoppedopenagainwithasmugthud.
“Fuck.”
IleaveforNewZealandinfourdays.I’verefusedtocheckmyluggageeversinceanairlinelostthesuitcasecontainingmysignedbaseballtradingcardswhenIwastwelve,soI’dspentthepasthourshoehorningaweek’sworthofhikinggearintoatinycarry-on.
Allthatwork,downthedrain.
“Thisbetterbefuckinggood.”IrritationshotthroughmyveinsasImarchedoutofmyroomandtothefrontdoor.
Iflungopenthedoor,readytoripwhoeveritwasanewone,butmyfoulmoodcrumbledwhenIsawwhostoodonthefrontstep.
“Hey.”Juleswrappedherarmsaroundherwaist,herskinpaleandhereyessuspiciouslybright.“I’msorryfordroppingbyunannounced,butI…Ididn’tknowwhere…”Herwobblysmilecrumpled.“Ididn’twanttobealone.”
Hervoicecaughtonthelastword,andabladeofworryslicedthroughmyinsides.
“Fuckbeingsorry.”Iopenedthedoorwiderandscannedherforinjuriesasshesteppedinside.Nobleeding,nobruises,justthatlostlookonherface.Worrystabbeddeeperinmygut.“Whathappened?”
“It’smymom.”Julesswallowedhard.“Thehospitalcalledandsaidshewasinacaraccident.She—she’s…”Asmallsobslippedout.
Shedidn’tneedtofinishthesentenceformetoguesswhathappened.ButwhileI’dexpectedsympathyorevencommiseratingpain,nothingcould’vepreparedmefortheexplosioninmychest.
Onetinysobfromher,andeveryhiddenexplosivedetonated,onebyone,untilpainburnedthroughmylungsandrushedthroughmyblood.ItechoedinmyheadandsqueezedmyheartsotightIhadtoforcemyselftobreathethroughtheache.
“Comehere,Red.”Theroughcrackinmyvoicesoundedforeigntomyears.
Iopenedmyarms.Julessteppedintothem,buryingherfaceinmychesttomufflehercries,andittookallmywillpowertoholdbackavisiblereaction.Ididn’twanttoheightenthewildemotionrampagingthroughtheair,butfuck,seeingherhurting,hurt.MorethanIthoughtpossible.
“Shhh.”Irestedmychinontopofherheadandrubbedgentlecirclesonherback,wishingIweren’tsodamnhelpless.Iwould’vedoneanything,bargainedwithanyone,toeraseherpain,butofalltheskillsI’dmasteredovertheyears,bringingbackthedeadwasn’toneofthem.“It’sokay.It’llbeokay.”
“I’msorry.”Juleshiccupped.“Iknowthis—thisi-isn’tpartofourarrangement,b-butA-Ava’sa-ataphotoshootandS-Stellaisn’thomey-yetandI…”
“Stopsayingsorry.”Itightenedmyholdonher.“Youhavenothingtobesorryabout.Youcanstayhereaslongasyou’dlike.”
“Butw-whataboutour—”
“Jules.”Myhandpausedonherbackforasecond.”Shutupandletmeholdyou.”
Herwaterylaughlastedforasecondbeforeitdissolvedintotearsagain.Butfuckit,I’dtakeasecondofherfeelingbetter.I’dtakehalfasecond.AnythingIcouldget.
Eventually,hersobssubsidedintosniffles,andIguidedhertothecouch.“I’llberightback.”
Ididn’thavetimetogroceryshopthisweek,soIplacedaquickdeliveryorderonmyphoneandfixedacupofteainthekitchen.Mymomhadfirmlybelievedagoodcupofteacouldsolveanyproblem,andthoughIrarelydrankitmyselfthesedays,Ialwayskeptsomeonhand.
Teaandahotwaterdispenser—twoessentialsinaChinesehousehold.
Apangpiercedmychestatthethoughtofmymom.She’ddiedwhenIwasakid,butnoonetrulygetsoverthedeathofaparent.
Julesnevertalkedaboutherfamily,soIassumedshehadafraughtrelationshipwithhermother,buthermomwasstillhermom.
Ireturnedtothelivingroomandhandedherthedrink.
“Youdidn’tpoisonthis,didyou?”Herscratchyvoicecontainedahintofherusualsass.
Reliefbloomedbehindmyribs,andmylipscurvedatthecallbacktooneofourearlierconversations.
“Justdrinkthedamntea,Red.”
AshadowofasmilecrossedJules’smouth.ShetookasmallsipwhileIsanknexttoheronthecouch.
“TheycalledwhenIwasintheclinic,”shesaid,staringintohermug.“Theothercarranaredlightandcrashedintohers.Everyonediedonimpact.Thehospitalwentthroughherbelongingsandfoundmynumber…Iwastheonlyfamilyshehadleft.”
Sheliftedhereyestomeetmine,herexpressiontortured.“Iwastheonlyfamilyshehadleft,”sherepeated.“AndIhaven’ttalkedtoherinsevenyears.Ihadhernumber.Icould’vecalledher,but…”Avisibleswallow.“Ikepttellingmyself,nextyear.NextyearwillbetheyearIcallherandmakeamends.Ineverdid.Andnow,Ineverwill.”
Jules’svoicethickenedwithafreshboutofunshedtears.
Theacheinmychesthardenedintostone.
“Youcouldn’thaveknown,”Isaidgently.“Itwasafreakaccident.”
“ButifIhadn’tputitoff…”Julesshookherhead.“Theworstpartis,Ididn’tthinkIwouldfeellike…this.”Shegesturedatherself.“MymomandIdidn’tpartongoodterms,tosaytheleast.Foryears,Iwassoangryatherforwhatshedid.IthoughtIwouldberelievedwhenshedied,butI…”Shesuckedinasharpinhale.“Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowhowIfeel.Sad.Angry.Ashamed.Regretful.Andyes,alittlerelieved.”Herknuckleswhitenedaroundhermug.“Isthatterribleofme?”
“Itsoundslikeyouhadacomplicatedrelationshipwithyourmother,andit’snormaltofeelallthosethings.Evenrelief.”
Isawitallthetimeinthehospital.Somepatientslingeredonthevergeofdeathwithouttrulylivingordying.Whentheyfinallypassed,theirfamiliesmourned,buttheywerealsorelievedthattheirlovedone’ssufferinghadended.Theydidn’tsayit,butIsawitintheireyes.
Griefwasn’toneemotion;itwasahundredemotionswrappedinadarkshroud.
Jules’ssituationwasn’tquitethesame,buttheprincipleremained.
“Trustme.I’madoctor,”Iaddedwithahalfsmile.“Iknoweverything.”
Mychestglowedathersoftlaugh.Twolaughsinlessthananhour.Iviewedthatasawin.
“Wereyouclosetoyourmom?”sheasked.“Before…”
Mysmilefaded.“Yeah.Shewasthebestuntilthedivorce.Itgotsonasty,andshebecameerratic.Moody.AndwhenshewasframedfortryingtokillAva…well,youknowwhathappened.”Alumpofemotionlodgeditselfinmythroat.“Likemostpeople,IthoughtshetriedtodrownAva.Thedoctorsandpolicechalkedituptoamentalbreak,butIstillrefusedtotalktoherforweeksafter.We’dbarelyreconciledbeforesheoverdosedonantidepressants.”
Jules’sfacesoftenedwithsympathy.“Soundssimilartomystory.Thebeginning,atleast.”Shetracedtherimofthemugwithherfinger.“MymomandIwereclosewhenIwasakid.MydadleftbeforeIwasborn,soitwasonlythetwoofus.SheloveddressingmeupandparadingmearoundtownlikeIwasadolloranexclusiveaccessory.Ididn’tmind—Ilovedplayingdress-up,anditmadeherhappy.ButwhenIgotolder,Istartedgettingmoreattentionthanshedid,especiallyfrommen,andshehatedit.Sheneversaidit,butIcouldseeitinhereyeseverytimesomeonecomplimentedme.ShestoppedtreatingmelikeherdaughterandstartedtreatingmelikeIwashercompetition.”
Jesus.“Shewasjealousofherowndaughter?”
Itriedtokeepthecondemnationoutofmyvoice,consideringthewomanhadjustdied,butmystomachchurnedattheideathatamotherwouldcompetewithherchild.
Julesletoutahumorlesslaugh.“That’sthethingaboutmymom.Shewasusedtobeingthecenterofattention.Homecomingqueen,promqueen,beautyqueen.Shewonabunchofpageantswhenshewasyoungerandnevergotoverherglorydays.Shewasbeautifulevenwhenshewasolder,butshecouldn’tstandnotbeingthemostbeautifulpersonintheroom.”
Shetookadeepbreath.“Mymompursuedmodelinginsteadofattendingcollege,butshenevermadeitbig.Aftershehadme,thejobsdriedup,andshebecameacocktailwaitress.Ourtownwascheap.Wewould’vehadanokaylifestyle,butshehadahugespendingproblemandrackedupabunchofcreditcarddebtonclothes,makeup,beautyservices…basicallyanythingthathelpedherkeepupappearances.Ourbillsfellbythewayside.ThereweresomedayswhentheonlyrealfoodIatewasintheschoolcafeteria,andmanydayswhenIwouldcomehome,terrifiedthatwouldbethedaywegotevicted.”
IrubbedJules’sbackwithsoothingstrokesevenasmyjawtensedatthedescriptionofherchildhood.
Whothefuckwouldchoosemakeupandclothingoverfoodfortheirkid?
ButI’dwitnessedenoughuglinessintheworldtoknowthosepeopleexisted,anditmademesickthatJuleshadgrownupwithoneofthem.
“WhenIwasthirteen,shegottheattentionofAlastair,therichestmanintown,whenhevisitedthebarwheresheworked,”Julescontinued,“Theygotmarriedayearlater.Wemovedtoabighouse,Ireceivedagenerousallowance,anditseemedlikeallourproblemsweresolved.ButAlastairalways…”Theshortpausewaslongenoughfordreadtosolidifymyinsides.“…watchedmeandsaidthingsthatmademewildlyuncomfortable,likehownicemylegswereorhowIshouldwearskirtsmoreoften.Buthedidn’ttouchme,andIdidn’twantpeopletothinkIwasoverreactingtoafewcompliments,soIdidn’tsayanything.Thenonenight,whenIwasseventeenandmymomwasoutwithherfriends,hecameintomyroomand…”
Istilled.“Andwhat?”Thewordsvibratedwithsucheeriecalmitwashardtobelievetheycameoutofmymouth.
“HesaidallthisstuffabouthowIshouldbemoregratefulforeverythinghe’sdoneformeandmymom,andthenhesaidIcouldshowhimhowgratefulIwasby…youknow.”
Ragecloudedmyvisionandpaintedtheworldinafilmofbloodyred.Darknessstirredinmychest,insidiousinhowslowlyituncoiled,likeamonsterlullingitspreyintoafalsesenseofsecuritybeforeitattacked.
“Whathappenedafterthat?”Stillcalm,stillflat,thoughrazoredtensionransharpbeneathmywords.
“Ofcourse,Isaidno.Iyelledathimtogetoutandthreatenedtotellmymomwhathesaid.Hejustlaughedandsaidshe’dneverbelieveme.Thenhetriedtokissme.Itriedpushinghimoff,buthewastoostrong.Luckily…”Hermouthtwistedattheword.“Mymomcamehomeearlyandcaughtusbeforehecould…doanythingelse.HespunsomestoryabouthowI’dtriedtoseducehim,andshebelievedhim.Shecalledmeawhorefortryingtoseduceherhusbandandkickedmeoutthatnight.”
Theragepulsedharderinmygut,expandingandintensifyinguntilitshatteredanymoralsImight’vehad.
Ibecameadoctortosavelives,butIwantedtosliceAlastair’sskinoffhisbody,stripbystrip,andwatchthelifebleedfromhiseyes.
“IwasabletowithdrawenoughmoneytoscrapebyforafewweeksbeforeAlastairfrozemyaccounts,”Julessaid.“I,um,workedoddjobsaroundtownuntilcollege.Aftergraduation,Ileftandhaven’tgonebacksince.”
“Where’sAlastairnow?”
GodhelphimifIeverfoundhim,becauseIhadzerocompunctionaboutturningmymurderousfantasyintoreality.
WhenitcametomonsterswhopreyedonyounggirlsoranyoneIcaredabout,Ididn’tgiveashitaboutthelaw.Thelawwasn’talwaysjustice.
“Hediedmyjunioryearofcollege,”Julessaid.“Housefire.Iwasstilltrackingwhatwashappeningbackhomeatthetime—callitmorbidcuriosity—andthenewsmadeitintothelocalpapers.Therewererumorsofarson,butthepolicecouldn’tfindanyhardevidence,sothecasewentcold.”
Alastair’sdeathshould’veplacatedme,butitonlypissedmeoffmore.Ididn’tcareifhe’dburnedalive;thebastardgotofftoofuckingeasy.
“Mymomwasoutwithfriendsatthetime,soshewasfine,butitturnedoutAlastairleftherapittance,”Julescontinued.“I’mnotsurewheretherestofhisfortunewent,butofcourse,mymomspentherinheritancewithinayear.Shewentfromhavingeverythingtohavingnothingagain.”Abittersmiletouchedherlips.“Thatwasalsointhelocalpapers.Whenyou’reasrichasAlastairwas,inatownassmallasWhittlesburg,everythingthathappenstoyouandyourfamilyisnews.”
Amuscletickedinmyjaw.“Andnoonequestionedthefactthattheythrewaseventeen-year-oldouttofendforherself?”
“No.ThetownspeoplemadeuptheirownrumorsabouthowIwasstealingfromAlastairtofundmydrughabit,”shesaidflatly.“Howtheytriedtogetmehelpbutitdidn’twork,theywereattheirwits’end,soonandsoforth.”
JesusfuckingChrist.
“Thecrazypartis,Istillwantedtoreconcilewithmymom,especiallyafterAlastair’sdeath.Shewasmymom,youknow?TheonlyfamilyIhad.Icalledher,gothervoicemail,andleftmynumber.AskedhertocallmebackbecauseIwantedtotalk.Sheneverdid.”Juleswrappedherhandstighteraroundthemug.“Myegotookahugeblow,andthatwasthelasttimeIreachedouttoher.ButifIhadn’tletmypridegetintheway…”
“Communicationisatwo-waystreet.”Someofmyangerfaded,replacedbyadeepacheforthelittlegirlwho’donlywantedhermother’slove.“Shecould’vecontactedyoutoo.Don’tbetoohardonyourself.”
Honestly,hermothersoundedlikeapieceoffuckingwork,butIkeptthattomyself.Don’tspeakillofthedeadandallthat.
“Iknow.”Julessighed.Distresscarvedtinygroovesinherforehead,butatleastshe’dstoppedcrying.“Anyway,enoughaboutthepast.It’sdepressing.”Sheknockedherkneeagainstmine.“Youwouldn’tmakeahalf-badtherapist.”
Ialmostlaughedatthethought.“Trustme,Red.I’dmakeaterribletherapist.”Icouldbarelygetmylifetogether,muchlessadvisepeopleontheirs.“Ijusthaveexperiencewithdysfunctionalfamilies,that’sall.”
Thedoorbellrang.
Ireluctantlyunfoldedmyselffromthecouchtoanswerthedoorandreturnedwithtwolargebrownpaperbags.
“Comfortfood,”Iexplained,removingthetakeoutboxesfromthebags.
Macaroniandcheese.Tomatosoup.Saltedcaramelcheesecake.Herfavorites.
“I’mnothungry.”
“Eat.”Ipushedacontainerofsouptowardher.“You’llneedtheenergylater.Anddrinkmorewateroryou’llbedehydrated.”
Julesrewardedmewithatinysmile.“You’resuchadoctor.”
“I’lltakethatasacompliment.”
“Youtakeeverythingasacompliment.”
“OfcourseIdo.Ican’tfathomwhyanyonewouldwanttoinsultme.”Iremovedthelidfromthemacaroniandcheese.“I’mextremelylovable.”
“Peoplewhoareextremelylovabledon’thavetokeepsayingit.”Julestookatinysipofsoupbeforesettingitdown.
“Mostpeoplearen’tme.”Ispearedapieceofcheesecakewithaforkandhandedittoher.Afteramoment’shesitation,sheaccepted.
Weateincompanionablesilenceforawhileuntilshesaid,“IhavetoflytoOhiosoon.Forthefuneral.ButmygraduationisonSaturday,andIhavetomakethearrangements,andIdon’tevenknowhowmuchflightsare.Theycan’tbethatexpensive,right?Butit’ssolastminute.AndIhavetofigureoutwhereI’mgoingtostay,andIhave—”
“Breathe,Red.”Iplacedmyhandsonhershoulders,steadyingher.Shewasbreathingfasteragain,hereyestakingonthewildnessofoverwhelm.“Here’swhatwe’regoingtodo.We’regoingtofinisheating,thenyou’regoingtotakeashowerwhileIlookupflights,hotels,andfuneralhomes.Oncewenailthosethingsdown,wecanfocusonthedetails.AndyouarenotflyingtoOhiountilaftergraduation.Youwentthroughthreeyearsoflawschoolhell,soyou’rewalkingacrossthatdamnstage.Gotit?”
Julesnodded,lookingtoostunnedtoargue.
“Good.”Ihandedhertherestofthecheesecake.“Here.Thatshit’stoosweetforme.”
Afterwefinishedeating,shetookashowerwhileIfiguredoutthelogisticsofhertrip.Luckily,flightstoOhioweren’texpensive,andWhittlesburghadatotaloftwohotels,fivebedandbreakfasts,andahandfulofsketchy-lookingmotelsontheoutskirtsoftown,soitwasn’thardtonarrowthechoicesdown.AquickGooglesearchalsoturnedupafuneralhomewithgoodreviewsandreasonableprices.
BythetimeJulessteppedoutofthebathroom,Ihadeverythingreadytogoonmylaptop.Shegavethemacursoryglancebeforebooking.
“Thankyou.”Shesankontomybedandranahandthroughherhair,stilllookingalittlelostbutmoreanimatedthanbefore.“Youdidn’thavetodoallthis.”Shegesturedatmycomputer
“Iknow,butitbeatswatchingsomecrappyTVrerunforthetenthtime.”
Julessnorted.Hereyesfellonmyopensuitcaseandwidened.“Wait,yourNewZealandtrip.Iforgotthat’s—”
“Notuntilnextweek.IleaveMonday.”Uneasetuggedatmygut.I’dbeensoexcitedforNewZealand,butmyenthusiasmhadwaned,forsomereason.
“That’llbefun.”Julesyawned.SheworeanoldThayerteeofminethatskimmedherthighs,andherdamphairhungindarkredwavesaroundhershoulders.
Ofallmyfavoritesightsintheworld—theWashingtonMonumentatsunrise,theautumnalblazeofleavesduringaNewEnglandfall,theexpanseofoceanandjunglelaidoutbeforemeattheendofalonghikeinBrazil—Juleswearingmyshirtmightjustbemynumberone
“Getsomerest,”Isaidgruffly,discomfitedbythestrangewarmthspiralingthroughmyinsides.“It’slate,andyou’vehadalongday.”
“It’snine,Grandpa.”Sheyawnedagain.
“Yeah?I’mnottheonewholookslikeI’mtryingtocatchflieswithmymouth.”Ishutmylaptopandturnedoffallthelightsexceptformybedsidelamp.“Bed.Now.”
“Youaresobossy.Iswear…”Yawn.“Idon’tknowhow…”Yawn.“Peoplestand…”Jules’sdrowsygrumblegrewsofterwitheachworduntilhereyesflutteredclosed.
Ituckedherbeneaththecomforter,keepingmytouchgentlesoIdidn’twakeher.Herskinwaspalerthanusual,andatouchofredstillshadedthetipofhernoseandtheareaaroundhereyes,butshefellasleepinsultingme.Ifthatwasn’tproofshewasfeelingbetter,Ididn’tknowwhatwas.
Iturnedofftheremaininglightandclimbedintobednexttoher.
OurconversationfromBridget’sweddinglingered,unresolved,betweenus.Didouroriginalarrangementstillstand,orhadwemorphedintosomethingelse?Ihadnoclue.Ididn’tknowwhatthefuckwewereorwhatweweredoing.Ididn’tknowwhatJuleswasthinking.
Butwecoulddealwithallthatanotherday.
Icurledmyarmaroundherwaist,tuckedherclosertomychest,and,forthefirsttimesinceourarrangementstarted,weslepttogether.35JULES
Thedaysaftermymother’sdeathpassedinadaze.WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,Joshhadalreadyleftforwork,butIfoundbreakfastwaitinginthekitchenandanotewithstep-by-stepinstructionsonwhattodonext.WhichfuneralhomeIshouldcall,whatquestionsIshouldask,whatIshouldpackformytrip.
Ithelpedmemorethananyverbalplatitudescould.
Icheckedofftheitemsonebyone,butIwaslikearobotgoingthroughthemotions.Ididn’tfeelanything.ItwaslikeIshowedupatJosh’shouse,depletedeveryemotion,andnowIwasrunningdry.
Ididn’tknowwhatmademeturntoJoshwhenourrelationshipwasalreadysocomplicated,buthewasthefirstpersonwhopoppedintomymindwhenIwastryingtofigureoutwhattodo.
Strong.Comforting.Logical.HewaseverythingIneededwhenIneededit.
Now,asIlistenedtotheWhittlesburgfuneralhomedirectorrattleofflast-minutedetails,IwishedJoshwasstillwithme.Ofcourse,thatwasunreasonable.Hehadwork;hecouldn’tjustupandjoinmeinOhio.Plus,he’dleftforNewZealandthatmorningandwouldn’tbebackuntilnextweek.
Apangpiercedmyheartatthethought.
“That’severythingweneed.Weshouldbeallsetfortomorrow.”Thefuneralhomedirectorstoodandheldouthishand.“Again,I’mdeeplysorryforyourloss,Ms.Ambrose.”
“Thankyou.”Imusteredasmile.I’dusedAmbroseinsteadofMillersinceitwasmylegalname,butitsoundedstrangecomingfromhismouth.AmbrosebelongedtomylifeinD.C.Millerbelongedhere.
Twolives,twodifferentpeople.
ExcepthereIwas,JulesAmbroseinOhio,anditwasevenmoresurrealthanIimagined.
Ishookhishandandquicklyleft,mystepseatingupthedistancebetweenhisofficeandtheexituntilthesun’sgoldenwarmthspilledoverme.ButonceIwasoutsidethedark,drearyconfinesofthefuneralhome,Ididn’tknowwheretogo.
Justtwodaysago,I’dwalkedacrossthestageinD.C.’sNationalsPark,shookmydean’shand,andacceptedmylawschooldiploma.
Threeyearsofhardwork—seven,ifyoucountedpre-law—distilledintoonesheetofpaper.
Itwasbothgloriousandanticlimactic.
Infact,Ibarelyrememberedmygraduation.It’dpassedinablur,andIbeggedoffdinnerwithmyfriendssoIcouldpackforOhio.Ileftthenextmorning,AKAyesterday,andhadspentallmytimethusfarmakingfuneralarrangements.Itwasasmall,simpleceremony,buteverydecisionexhaustedme.
IwasscheduledtoflybacktoD.C.aftertomorrowmorning’sfuneral.Untilthen,Ihadtofigureouthowtofilltherestofmyafternoonandevening.Therewasn’texactlyalothappeningintown.
Istaredattheloneflyertumblingdownthesidewalk,theusedlotofrustedcarsacrossthestreet,andthebrownbrickbuildingssquattingnexttoeachotherlikewearytravelersatareststop.Downthestreet,agroupofchildrenplayedhopscotch,theirfaintlaughtertheonlysignsoflifeinthestagnantair.
Whittlesburg,Ohio.AspeckofatownneartherelativebehemothofColumbus,extraordinaryonlyinitsutterordinariness.
Beingbackwaslikewalkingthroughadream.Iexpectedtowakeupanysecond,fumblingforthesnoozebuttonwhilethebreathyscreamofStella’shairdryercreptbeneathmydoor.
Insteadofanalarmclock,apublicbusroaredpast,drenchingmeinitsexhaustandwrenchingmeoutofmytrance
Gross.
Ifinallymovedagain.Thefuneralhomesatontheoutskirtsofdowntown,anditdidn’ttakemelongtoreachWhittlesburg’ssocialandfinancialcenter.Itconsistedofonlyhalfadozenblocksofbusinessespackedsidebyside.
Notadream.
Iwasactuallyhere.TherewasthedinerwheremyfriendsandIhungoutafterschooldances.Therewasthebowlingalleywherewetookfieldtripsinelementaryschool,andthelittleantiqueshopwiththecreepydollsinitswindow.Everyonewasconvincedtheshopwashaunted,andwewouldruneverytimewepassedit,likethespiritswhodwelledinsidewouldreachoutandsnatchusifwelingeredtoolong.
ReturningtoWhittlesburgwaslikeenteringatimecapsule.OtherthanashinynewchainrestaurantandthecafethathadreplacedoldSal’slaundromat,ithadn’tchangedabitinthepastsevenyears.
Iduckedmyheadandignoredthecuriousstaresofagroupofhighschoolgirlsclusteredonthestreetcorner.Bysomemiracle,Ihadn’trunintoanyoneIknewyet,butitwouldonlybeamatteroftime.IdreadedthequestionsthatwouldariseonceIdid.
Thethingaboutsmalltownswasthattheyhadlongmemories…forbetterorforworse.
IbreathedasilentsighofreliefwhenIreachedmyhotel.Forgetfindingsomethingtodointown.Ijustwantedtolockmyselfinmyroom,orderroomservice,andwatchpay-per-viewallnightlong.
Ireachedintomybag,searchingformy—
“Hey,Red.”
Ifroze,myhandstillhalfinmytote.Disbelieftwistedmyheartandquickeneditspaceuntileverybeatpoundedinmyheadlikeadrum.
Thud.Thud.Thud.
Itcouldn’tbehim.MaybethemilkshakeI’dgulpeddownatlunchwarpedmybrainandIwascurrentlyinthemiddleofasugar-inducedhallucination.
Becausetherewasnowaythatwashim.
ButwhenIliftedmyhead,Isawhisfavoritegraysweatshirt.Hiswornduffelbagslungoverhisshoulder.Hisdistinctivedimpleashislipscurvedintoasmilesosoftitobliteratedalltheedgesofmyresistance.
“Surprise.”Josh’svoiceseepedthroughmelikewarmhoney.“Missedme?”
“I—you…”MymouthopenedandclosedinwhatIpresumedwasadeeplyunflatteringimitationofagoldfish.“You’resupposedtobeinNewZealand.”
“Changeofplans.”Heshruggedwithacasualnesspeoplereservedforachangeindinnerorders,notinternationalflights.“I’dratherbehere.”
“Why?”
Thudthudthud.Wasitnormalforahumanhearttobeatthisfast?
“Iwanttovisitthecrochetmuseum.”
MaybeIfellasleepatthefuneralhomeandenteredtheTwilightZone,becausethiswastooabsurdtobereality.“What?”
“Thecrochetmuseum,”herepeated.“It’sworldfamous.”
Whittlesburg’scrochetmuseumwasthetown’sbiggestattraction,butitwasn’tworldfamousbyanystretchoftheimagination.
TheEiffelTower,MachuPicchu,GreatWallofChina…andtheBettyJonesCrochetMuseum?Yeah,no.
“Worldfamous,huh?”Somethingstrangeandflutterywashappeninginmystomach.Ineverwantedittostop.
“Yep.”Josh’sdimpledeepened.“Readaboutitinamagazineinanairport,andIwassoinspiredIchangedflightslastminute.I’lltakecrochetoversailingtheMilfordSoundanyday.”
Aknotofemotionlodgeditselfinmythroat.“Well,farbeitformetoquestionyourloveforcrochet.”Donotcryinthelobby.“Areyoustayingatthishotel?”
“Depends.”Joshstuffedhishandinhispocket,hiseyesneverleavingmine.“Doyouwantmetostayhere?”
Asmall,scaredpartofmewantedtosayno.Itwouldbesoeasytorunuptomyroomandlockmyselfinthereuntilmymom’sfuneral,thenleaveandpretendthetripneverhappened.
ButIwassotiredofrunning.Sotiredoffightingtheworldandmyselfatthesametime,ofpretendingeverythingwasokaywhenIstruggledjusttokeepmyheadabovewater.
Itwasokaytoreachforaliferaft,nomatterwhatformitcamein.
MinehappenedtocomeintheformofJoshChen.
Idippedmyheadinasmallnod,nottrustingmyselftospeak.
Hisfacesoftened.“Comehere,Red.”
ThatwasallIneeded.
Iflewtohimandburiedmyfaceinhischestwhilehisarmsclosedaroundme.Hesmelledlikesoapandcitrus,andhissweatshirtwassoftagainstmycheek.
Thecuriousstaresofthereceptionistandotherhotelguestsburnedintomyside.Wewouldbethesubjectoftowngossipbytomorrow,nodoubt,butIdidn’tcare.
ForthefirsttimesinceIlandedinOhio,Icouldbreathe.36JOSH
Ihadn’tplannedtoflytoOhio.
ImadeitallthewaytotheairportformyNewZealandflight,butwhenboardingstarted,allIcouldthinkaboutwasJules.Whatshewasdoing,howshewasdoing,whethershe’dlandedsafely.ThehikesandactivitiesI’dspentmonthsplanningheldasmuchinteresttomeaswatchingpaintdry.
So,insteadofflyingtomynumbertwobucketlistdestination(afterAntarctica),I’dheadedstraighttotheticketcounterandboughtthenextflighttoColumbus.
TradingNewZealandforWhittlesburg.Iwastrulyfuckedinthehead,andIcouldn’tevenbringmyselftobemadaboutit.
“Girdyourloins,”Julessaidaswemadealeftontoaquiet,tree-linedstreet.“You’reabouttogetyourmindblown.”
AfterIdroppedoffmybag,I’dconvincedhertojoinmeonmymuseumouting.PerhapsIshould’vechosenamoreinterestingexcusethanacrochetmuseum,butIreadaboutitonmybusridefromColumbusanditwaslistedasthetown’stopattraction.Thathadtocountforsomething,right?
Myeyebrowsrose.“Didyoujustusethephrasegirdyourloins?Whatareyou,eighty?”
“Foryourinformation,StanleyTucci’scharacterusesitinTheDevilWearsPrada,andbothStanleyandthemovieareamazing.”
“Yeah,andhowoldistheamazingStanley?”
Julescastasidelongglanceinmydirection.“Idon’tappreciatethesnark,especiallyconsideringthefree,in-depthtourIjustgaveyou.”
Ifoughtasmile.“Itwasafifteen-minutewalk,Red.”
“DuringwhichIpointedoutthetown’sbestrestaurant,thebowlingalley,theshopthathadaten-secondcameoinaBruceWillismovie,andthehairsalonwhereIgotbangsforabrief,horrifyingtimeinhighschool,”shesaid.“That’spricelessinformation,Chen.Youcan’tfindthatanywhereinguidebooks.”
“I’mprettysureIcanfindthefirstthreeinguidebooks.”Ituggedonalockofherhair.“Notafanofbangs?”
“Absolutelynot.Bangsandpinkeyeshadow.Myhardnos.”
“Hmm,Ithinkyou’dlookgoodwithbangs.”Juleswouldlookgoodwithanything.
Evennow,withpurpleshadowssmudgedbeneathhereyesandlinesoftensionbracketinghermouth,shewassofuckingbeautifulIcouldn’tstoplookingather.
Herlookshadn’tchangeddrasticallyovertheyears,butsomethinghadchanged.
Icouldn’tputmyfingeronit.
Before,Juleswasbeautifulinthewaygrasswasgreenandoceansweredeep.Itwasafactoflife,butnotsomethingthatparticularlytouchedme.
Now,shewasbeautifulinawaythatmademewanttodrowninher,toletherfilleveryinchofmysouluntilshefuckingconsumedme.Itdidn’tmatterifitkilledme,becauseinaworldwhereIwassurroundedbydeath,shewastheonlythingthatmademefeelalive.
“Trustme,Idon’t.Anyway,enoughaboutmyhair.”Julessweptherarmatthebuildingbeforeus.“Behold,theworld-famousBettyJonesCrochetMuseum.”
Mygazelingeredonheraswewalkedtowardtheentrance.“Looksimpressive.”
Icouldn’thavetoldyouthecolorofthebuildingifyouputaguntomyhead.
Halfanhourandseveralmind-numbinglyboringdisplayslater,IfinallyyankedmyselfoutofmyJules-inducedtrance,onlytowishIhadn’t.
“Whatthefuckisthat?”Ipointedatabluecrochet…dog?Wolf?Whateveritwas,itsfacewaslopsided,anditsbeadycrystaleyesglintedmenacinglyatusfromitsperchontheshelf,likeitwaspissedwe’dinvadeditspersonalspace.
ThiswaswhatIgotforbeingdistracted.IfIdiedatthehandsofahauntedtoy,Iwasgoingtobepissed.
Julessquintedatthelittlegoldplaquebeneaththewolf/dog.“ItwasoneofBetty’sdaughter’sfavoritetoys,”shesaid.“Handcrochetedbyafamouslocalartisanandgiftedtoherforherfifthbirthday.”
“Itlooksdemonic.”
“Itdoesnot.”Shestaredatthetoy,whichglaredbackatus.Icould’veswornitslipcurledintoasnarl.“But,uh,let’smoveon.”
“Youknowwhat,IthinkI’vehadenoughcrochetfortheday.”I’dpaidmydues.ItwastimetogetthefuckoutofherebeforethetoyscametolifealaNightattheMuseum.“Unlessyouwanttostareatmorequiltsandpossessedtoys.”
Jules’smouthtwitched.“Yousure?YoudidabandonNewZealandforthisworld-famousmuseum.Youshouldgetyourmoney’sworth.”
“Oh,Idid.”Mymoney’sandmynightmare’sworth.IrestedmyhandonJules’slowerbackandguidedhertowardtheexit.“I’mgood,trustme.I’dratherseetherestoftown.”
“Wealreadysawmostofitonourwalkhere.Everythingelseisresidential.”
Jesus.“Therehastobesomethingwemissed.What’syourfavoriteplaceintown?”
Westeppedoutintothedyingafternoonlight.Goldenhourwasmeltingintotwilight,andlongshadowsstretchedacrossthesidewalksaswewalkedtowarddowntown.
“Itclosedanhourago,”Julessaid.
“Iwanttoseeitanyway.”
Shecastmeastrangelookbutshrugged.“Ifyouinsist.”
Tenminuteslater,wearrivedatanancient-lookingbookstore.ItwasstuffedinbetweenathriftshopandaChinesetakeoutjoint,andthewordsCrabtreeBookswerescrawledacrossthedarkwindowsinchippedredpaint.
“It’stheonlybookstoreintown,”Julessaid.“Ididn’ttellanyofmyfriends,becausereadingwasn’tconsideredcool,butitwasmyfavoriteplacetohangout,especiallyonrainydays.IcameheresooftenImemorizedallthebooksontheshelves,butIlikedbrowsingiteveryweekendanyway.Itwascomforting.”Awrysmiletouchedherlips.“Plus,IknewforafactIwouldn’trunintoanyoneIknewhere.”
“Itwasyourhaven.”
Herfacesoftenedwithnostalgia.“Yeah.”
MymouthcurvedatthementalimageofayoungJulessneakingintoabookstoreandhidingfromherfriends.Afewmonthsago,whentheonlyJulesIknewwasthesnarky,hard-partyingone,Iwould’vecalledbullshit.Butnow,Icouldseeit.
Actually,saveforBridget’sbachelorette,ithadbeenawhilesinceIsawJulespartythewayshehadincollege.Hell,it’dbeenawhilesinceIpartiedthewayIhadincollege.
Ourfirstimpressionsstickwithusthelongest,butcontrarytopopularopinion,somepeopledochange.Theonlyproblemis,theychangefasterthanourprejudicesdo.
“Doyouhaveafavoritebook?”IwantedtoknoweverythingaboutJules.Whatsheliked,whatshehated,whatbooksshereadandwhatmusicshelistenedto.EverycrumbofinformationIcouldgettofillmyinsatiableneedforher
“Ican’tchooseone.”Shesoundedappalled.“That’slikeaskingsomeonetochooseafavoriteicecreamflavor.”
“Easy.RockyRoadforme,saltedcaramelforyou.”Igrinnedatherscowl.“Yourfavoriteflavorforeverythingissaltedcaramel.”
“Noteverything,”shemuttered.“Fine.IfIhadtochooseonebook,justbasedonhowmanytimesIrereadit…”Hercheekscolored.“Don’tlaugh,becauseIknowit’saclichéchoiceandachildren’sbook,but…Charlotte’sWeb.Thefamilythatlivedinourhousebeforeusleftacopybehind,anditwastheonlybookIownedasakid.IwasobsessedtothepointIrefusedtoletmymomkillanyspidersincaseitwasCharlotte.”
Mygrinwidened.“That’sfuckingadorable.”
Thepinkonhercheeksdeepened.“Iwasyoung.”
“Iwasn’tbeingsarcastic.”
AsmallsmiletouchedJules’smouth,butshedidn’tsayanythingelseaswedepartedfromthebookstore.
Itwasneardinnertime,sowestoppedbythedinershedubbedthebestrestaurantintownbeforeheadingbacktothehotel.
“Thisplacehasthebestburgers.”Sheflippedthroughthemenu,herfacealightwithanticipation.“It’soneofthefewthingsImissedaboutWhittlesburg.”
“I’lltakeyourwordforit.”Iglancedattheredvinylbooths,blackandwhitecheckeredfloors,andtheoldjukeboxinthecorner.“Thisplaceremindsmeofaneightiesmovieset.”
Shelaughed.“Probablybecausetheoriginalownerwasabigeightiesmoviefan.WeusedtohangouthereallthetimewhenIwasinhighschool.Itwastheplacetoseeandbeseen.Onetime—”
“Jules?Isthatyou?”
Jules’sfacepaled.
Iturnedtothespeaker,mymusclesalreadycoiledinanticipationofafight,butmytensionmeltedintoconfusionwhenIsawwhostoodnexttoourtable.
Thewomanwasprobablyinhermid-twenties,thoughhermakeupandplatinumbobmadeherlookolder.SheworeatightredtopandanexpectantexpressionasshestaredatJules.
“Itisyou!”sheexclaimed.“JulesMiller!Ican’tbelieveit.Ididn’tknowyouwerebackintown!It’sbeenwhat,sevenyears?”
Miller?Whatthefuck?
IglancedatJules,whopastedonanobviouslyfakesmile.“Aroundthattime,yeah.Howareyou,Rita?”
“Oh,youknow.Married,twokids,workingatmymom’ssalon.Sameaseveryoneelse,‘ceptforthesalonpart.”Rita’seyeslitwithinterestasshelookedmeover.“Who’sthis?”
“Josh,”IsaidwhenJulesremainedsilent.Ididn’taddalabel.Iwouldn’tknowwhichonetouse.
“Nicetomeetyou,Josh,”Ritapurred.“Wedon’tseethelikesofyouaroundhereoften.”
Imanagedapolitesmile.
Ritaseemedharmlessenough,butthetensionemanatingfromJuleswassothickIcouldtasteit.
“What’veyoubeenuptoallthistime?”RitashiftedherattentionbacktoJuleswhenIdidn’tengagefurther.“Youjustdisappeared.Nogoodbyes,nonothing.”
“College.”
Julesdidn’telaborate,buttheotherwomanpressedfurther.“Whereat?”
“It’ssmall.You’veprobablyneverheardofit.”
Myeyebrowswingedup.Thayerwassmall,butitwasoneofthemostrenowneduniversitiesinthecountry.Ibetmymedicaldegreeamajorityofpeoplehaveheardofit.
“Well,youwereluckytogetoutwhenyoudid.”Ritasighed.“Thisplacesucksthesouloutofyou,yaknow?Butwhatcanyoudo?”Sheshrugged.“Bytheway,I’msorryaboutwhathappenedwithyourmomandAlastair.Thatwascrazy.”
“Thehousefire?Thathappenedyearsago,”Julessaid.
“No.Well,yes,butthat’snotwhatI’mtalkingabout.”Ritawavedahandintheair.“Didn’tyouhear?Alastairgotcaughthavingsexwithoneofhisbusinessassociates’daughters.Shewassixteen,soitwastechnicallylegalunderstatelaw,but…”Shegaveanexaggeratedshudder.“Anyway,hisbusinessassociatewentapeshitwhenhefoundout.RumorhasithedestroyedhalfofAlastair’sbusinessandAlastairhadtotakeoutabunchofloanstokeepitafloat.That’swhyyourmomgotsuchasmallinheritance.Itwasallhehadleft.Somepeoplesaytheassociatewasalsotheonewhosetthehouseonfire,butwe’llneverknow.”
JesusChrist.Thewholethingsoundedlikeadaytimesoapopera,butoneglanceatJuleschasedawayanydisbeliefIhad.
Shesatfrozen,staringatRitawithwideeyes.Herskinmatchedthecolorofthewhitenapkinsstuffedintoalittlemetalboxonthetable.“What—didmymomknow?Howcomethiswasn’tinthepapers?”
“Alastair’sfamilykeptitoutofthepapers,”Ritasaid,obviouslydelightedsheknewsomethingJulesdidn’t.“Veryhushhush,butsomeoneleakedtheinfo.Canyoubelieveit?Yourpoormom.Thoughshedidknowandstayedwithhimafterso…”Shetrailedoffandclearedherthroat.“Anyway,whatbringsyouback?”
“I…”Julesfinallyblinked.“Mymomdiedafewdaysago.”
Aheavy,awkwardpausehungintheair.
“Oh.”Ritaclearedherthroatagain,hereyesdartingaroundthediner.Crimsoncoloredherface.“I’msosorrytohearthat.Hey,Igottarun,butitwasgreatseeingyouagainand,uh,condolences.”
Sherushedoff,nearlyknockingoveraserverinherhaste.
Goodfuckingriddance.
“Oldfriend?”Iasked.
“Inthesensethatsheusedtocopyoffmymathtests.”Juleswasstartingtoregaincolor,thoughtheshockhadn’tfullyleftherexpression.”Asyoucanprobablytell,she’sthebiggestgossipintown.”
“Yeah.”Ieyedherwithconcern.“HowareyoufeelingabouttheAlastairnews?”
Ifeltpartlyvindicatedbytheman’sfinancialruin,butJuleshadenoughgoingonwithhermom’sdeathwithoutdealingwiththeghostofherdisgustingstepfather.
“Shocked,butnotsurprised,ifthatmakessense.”Shetookadeepbreath.“I’mgladRitatoldme.Iknowthey’rejustrumors,butwhenIthinkaboutit,itallkindofmakessense—whyheleftmymomsolittlemoney,themysteriouscircumstancessurroundingthefire.AtleastAlastairwasheldsomewhataccountableforthethingshedid.”
“Andnowhe’sdead.”
“Andnowhe’sdead,”Julesrepeated.Shehuffedoutasmalllaugh.“Noneedtobringupthatassholeagain.”
“Agreed.”
Theserverarrivedtotakeourorders,andIwaiteduntilsheleftbeforeIswitchedthesubject.“So,JulesMiller,huh?”
Shewinced.“Ichangedmylastname.Millerwasmymom’sname.IwantedafreshstartafterIleftOhio,soIappliedforalegalnamechange.”
Ialmostchokedonmywater.“Howthefuckdidn’tIknowthis?Avanevermentionedit.”
“That’sbecauseAvadoesn’tknow.It’sjustaname.”Julesfiddledwithhernapkin.“It’snotimportant.”
Ifitwasn’timportant,shewouldn’thavechangedit,butIresistedpointingthatout.“How’dyoucomeupwithAmbrose?”
Someofthetensionleftherbody,andashadowofmischiefcrossedherface.“Itsoundspretty.”
Alaughroseinmythroat.“Well,thereareworsereasonstochooseaname,”Isaiddryly.“Isitweird,beingbackhere?”
Julespausedbeforeanswering.“It’sfunny.Beforethistrip,IbuiltWhittlesburgupintothismonsterinmyhead.Ihadsomanybadmemorieshere—goodonestoo,butmostlybad.Ithoughtcomingbackwouldbeanightmare,butotherthantherevelationaboutAlastair,it’sbeenso…normal.EvenrunningintoRitawasn’tsobad.”
“Themonstersinourimaginationareoftenworsethanthoseinreality.”
“Yeah,”Julessaidsoftly.Hergazelingeredonmine.“Andwhataboutyourmonsters,JoshChen?Aretheyworseinyourimaginationorinreality?”
Asilent,chargedbeatpassedbetweenuswhileIdebatedmyanswer.
“Michaelsendsmelettersalmosteveryweek,”Ifinallysaid.Theadmissiontastedsour,likesomethingI’dstoredawaysolongitspoiledbeforeitsawthelightofday.“Idon’topenthem.Theysitinmydeskdrawer,collectingdust.Everytimeanewonearrives,ItellmyselfI’lltossit.ButIneverdo.”
Acommiseratingsparkglowedinhereyes.
Ifanyoneunderstoodthefutilityofwishingforaredemptionarcthatwouldnevercome,itwasJules.
“Yousaidityourself.Themonstersinourimaginationareoftenworsethanthoseinreality.”Shecurledherhandovermine.“We’llneverknowforsureuntilwefacethem.”
Mychestsqueezed.Hermother’sfuneralwastomorrow,andshewascomfortingme.
Ididn’tknowhowIeverthoughtJuleswasinsufferable,becauseasitturnedout,shewasprettydamnextraordinary.37JOSH
Thenextday,IaccompaniedJulestohermother’sfuneral.Besidestheministerandfuneralhomestaff,weweretheonlypeopleinattendance,andtheservicepassedwithoutanyfanfare.
“WouldyouliketosayanywordsbeforeweputAdelinetorest?”theministeraskedafterhedeliveredtheeulogy.
Julesshookherhead.“No,”shewhispered.“Idon’twanttosayanything.”
Ireachedforherhandandgaveitacomfortingsqueeze,wishingIcoulddomoretohelp.Julesdidn’tlookatme,butshegavemeasmallsqueezeback.
Theministernodded,thestaffloweredthecasketintotheground,andthatwasthat.
Itwas,inJules’swords,anticlimactic,butthatdidn’tstopaknotfromforminginmystomachwhenIstaredatAdeline’sburialplot.
Decadesoflife,snuffedoutjustlikethat,withnooneexceptherdaughterandastrangerseeingheroff.Alifetimeofdreams,fears,accomplishments,andregrets,wipedoutbyasinglefreakaccident.
Itwasfuckingdepressing.
IallowedmyselftodwellinmelancholyforamomentbeforeIpusheditasideandplacedagentlehandonJules’selbow.Theministerandfuneralhomestaffhadalreadyleft,butshehadn’tmovedsincetheservice.“Weshouldheadout.Ourflightleavessoon.”
TherewasonlyoneeveningflightfromColumbustoD.C.today,sowewereflyingtogetherbydefault.
“Right.”Julessuckedinadeepbreathandexhaledslowly.“Thanksforbeingherewithme,”shesaidaswewalkedtowardtheexit.“Youreallydidn’thaveto.”
“No,butIwantedto.”Mymouthtuggedupinahalfsmile.“Whoknowswhattroubleyou’dgetintoifIleaveyoualone?”
“Thepossibilitiesareendless,”shesaidsolemnly.“Yousureyoudon’twantatouroftheWhittlesburgpolicestationbeforeweleave?”
“I’msureit’sfascinating,butI’llpass.”Iexaminedher,tryingtofigureoutwhereherheadwasat.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Surprisinglyokay.”Julestuckedastrandofhairbehindherear.“Ithinktheshockhaswornoff,andnowI’mjust…resigned,Iguess.I’llnevergettosaybyetomymomormakeamends.”Shehesitated.“Actually,Iknowourflightleavessoon,butcanwemakeonestopbeforeweheadtotheairport?I’llkeepitquick.”
“Yeah,ofcourse.”Weweresqueezedfortime,butIwasn’tgoingtosaynotoherafterhermother’sfuneral.
Fifteenminuteslater,wearrivedatasmall,dilapidatedhouseneartheoutskirtsoftown.Chippedbluepaintcovereditsexterior,andthedoorwasunlockedwhenJulestwistedtheknob.
“Thehousemymomrentedbeforeshedied,”shesaidaftershecaughtmyquestioningstare.“WhenInotifiedthelandlordofherdeath,theysaidIcoulddropbyandpickupanypersonalitems.Iwasn’tgoingto,but…”
“Iunderstand.”ItwasJules’slastchance.ShewasprobablynevercomingbacktoOhio.
Westeppedintothehouse.Therewasn’tmuchfurnitureexceptforacouch,TV,andadiningslashcoffeetable.Dirtydishespiledhighinthesink,andapotofflowerssatdyingonthewindowsill.
Itwaseerie,likethehousewaspatientlywaitingforanownerwhowouldneverreturn.
IfollowedJulesintothebedroomandstayedbythedoorwhilesheapproachedtheclusterofframedphotosonthedresser.Theyallfeaturedabeautifulolderwomanwithredhair,obviouslyhermom.Inone,shewaswearingagownandsmilingatafancy-lookingparty;inanother,shewasbeingcrownedMissTeenWhittlesburg,accordingtothesashacrossherchest.
Therewerenophotosofanyoneelse,includingJules.
“Ithoughtshewouldhaveatleastonephotoofme,”Julesmurmured,runningherhandovertheteenpageantpicture.“Alltheseyears…”Sheshookherheadandletoutaself-deprecatinglaugh.“Itwasstupid.Iheldouthope,butAdeline’snevercaredmuchaboutanyoneexceptherself.”
Anachebloomedinmychest.Neitherofushadmodelparents,butIhatedseeingherhopevanish.“I’msorry,Red.”
“Don’tbe.”Julesdroppedherhandbeforefacingme.“Wecanleave.Wehaveaflighttocatch,andIgotwhatIwanted.”
“What’sthat?”
“Closure.”
Closure.
Thewordechoedinmymindduringourridetotheairport.
MaybethatwaswhatIneededwithMichael.I’davoidedcontactinghimfortwoyears,thinkingthatwasthesolutiontomyproblem.Allit’ddonewasallowthoughtsofhimtofesterlikecancer.Slow,invisible,andgraduallybleedingmeoflifeuntilIwasnothingbutashellofmyself.
Themonstersinourimaginationareoftenworsethoseinreality.
Thesudden,blindingclarityslicedthroughmelikeablade.
“Youokay?”Julesaskedafterwepassedthroughsecurity.WhittlesburgwassoclosetoColumbusittookuslessthananhourtoarriveattheairport.“Youlookdelirious.”
“Yep,”Isaid,stillhighfrommydiscovery.ItwassofuckingobviousIfeltlikeanidiotfornotthinkingofitearlier,butweweretheblindestwhenitcametoourownlives.
Ididn’tlookforwardtoseeingMichael,butit’llbelikerippingoffaBand-Aid.OnceIdidit,Icouldfinallymoveon.Iwassureofit.
Closure.
Theanswerhadbeenthereallalong.
“Wespenttwowholedaystogetheranddidn’tkilleachother.”Julescockedaneyebrowaswepickedupsandwichesandchipsfromoneoftheairport’sdelisandsettledatatableinthefoodcourt.Ourflightdidn’tleaveforanotherseventy-fiveminutes,sowehadtimetokill.“We’remakingprogress.”
“Itwasadayandahalf,tops.”Ismiled,welcomingtheshifttoalightertoneaftertheheavinessofourmorning.SadnesslingeredinJules’seyes,butsheseemeddeterminedtoleavethepastbehindher.“Westillhavesometimeleft.”
“Howreassuring.”Shebitintohersandwich,chewed,andswallowedbeforeaddinghesitantly,“I’vebeenthinkingaboutwhatyousaidatBridget’swedding…”
Mypulsequickened.“Yeah?”
“Youmightberight.”Shedidn’tlookatme,butpinkcreptoverhercheeks.“Abouttherebeingadifferencebetweenwhatsomethingissupposedtobeandwhatitactuallyis.”
Thequickeningturnedintoaroar.Warmthglowedinmychestandfilledsomeofthecracksthathadformedovertheyears.
“I’malwaysright.”ItwasallIcoulddotosuppressagrin.
I’dneverwantedanexclusiverelationship.Itcamewithtoomanyexpectations,andhonestly,I’dneverlikedanyoneenoughtogoonmorethanthreedateswiththem.
Lustedfor,sure.Liked?No.
ButwithJules…fuck,Ididn’tevenknowhowithappened.Ilikedher,evenwhenshepissedmeoff,whichwashalfthetime.Ourargumentslitmeupmorethanmyconversationswithanyoneelsedid,andwhenweactuallytalked,shewastheonlypersonIfeltlikewhogotme.Theonlypersonwhosawpastthedoctor,theplayboy,theadrenalinejunkie,andeveryothermaskIworetohidethemessyimperfectpiecesunderneath.
IswallowedtheoddlumpinmythroatwhileJulesrolledhereyesandsmiled.“Alwaysmodest.”
“Thattoo.”
Hersmilewidened,andourgazeslingeredforamomentbeforeherexpressionturnedseriousagain.“So,whatdoesthatmeanforus?”
Goodquestion.Ihadnoexperiencewiththewholerelationshipthing,but…
“Itmeansweshouldprobablygoonadate.”Mygrinexplodedatthewayhereyeswidened.“Don’tlooksoshocked.It’sadate,Red.Notamarriageproposal.”
“Obviously,”shehuffed,thoughthenervouslookinhereyesremained.“I’vebeenondatesbefore.”
Mysmileslippedatthereminder.
OfcourseJuleshadbeenondatesbefore.Thatdidn’tmeanIwantedtothinkaboutit.
Aribbonofpossessivenessunfurledinmystomach,andittookallmywillpowernottogrillherforthefullname,number,andaddressofeveryguywho’deverfuckingtouchedher.
“Notwithme.”Irubbedaspeckofsaucefromthecornerofhermouth.Mythumblingeredonherbottomlip,anddarksatisfactionflaredthroughmewhenherbreathhitched.“WhenItakeyouout,it’llbethebestdamndateyou’veeverhad.”
“Youregotrulyknowsnobounds.”Thebreathlessnessofhervoiceerasedthestingofherinsult.
Ileanedforwardandreplacedmythumbwithmylips.“Let’smakeabet,Red.”Mymouthbrushedoverhers—notinakiss,butinapromise.“Ibetafterourdate,youwon’tevenbeabletothinkaboutanotherman.”
Thelastpartcameoutasalowgrowl.
Julesaudiblyswallowed.“You’resettingveryhighexpectations,Chen.”
Mysmilereturned.“Don’tworry.IneversetexpectationsIcan’tmeet.”38JULES
Itwasstrange.I’dleftforOhio,expectingittobeanightmare,andIreturnedrealizingitwasacatharsis.
Thetriptookthemessy,blurredpiecesofmylifeandthrewthemintosharprelief.
Alastairwasdeadandcouldn’thurtmeanymore.
Mymomwasdead,andnomatterhowmuchIagonizedoverwhatifs,shewasnevercomingback.
Maxremainedathreat,buthe’dbeenoddlysilentforawhile.Untilhemadehisnextmove,therewasn’tmuchIcoulddo.
AndJosh…Joshwasoneofthefewbrightspotsinmyshitshowofalife.Changingourrelationshipfromenemieswithbenefitstodatingwaslikejumpingoffacliff—itcouldendinthemostexhilaratingrushofmylifeortotaldisaster.
ButIalreadyhadenoughregrets.Ididn’twantJoshtobeoneofthem.
Sometimes,youhadtotakealeaporriskgettingstuckforever.
“Whatdoyouthink?”Iturnedslowly,lettingStellaexaminemyoutfit.
JoshandIhadourfirstofficialdatetoday,butnomatterhowmuchIcajoled,threatened,andbribedhim,he’dremainedtight-lippedaboutwhatweweredoing,soIwasflyingblindwhenitcametothedresscode.Hisonlyguidancewastodressnicebutnottoonice,whichwasnofreakinghelpatall
Aftermuchagonizing,I’dsettledonabluesundresswithsandalsandstyledmyhairinahighponytailtostaveofftheswelteringJuneheat.Itwasfun,flirty,andcasualenoughforastrollintheparkbutdressyenoughforanicerestaurant.
Atleast,Ihopedso.
Stellaassessedmefromheadtotoebeforegivingmeathumbsup.“Perfect.”
ThankGod.Ididn’thavetimetochange.Iwasalreadyrunninglate.
SinceJoshcouldn’tpickmeupfrommyhouse,ImethiminGeorgetownasrequested.
FluttersfilledmystomachwhenIspottedhimwaitingatourdesignatedmeetingspot.
Whitebuttondown.Darkjeans.Tousledhair.Sogorgeousitmademyhearthurt.
Ikindofwishedwestillhatedeachotherbecauseourrelationshipwasnotgreatformycardiachealth.
“Hey,Red.”Joshlookedmeover,hiseyesheating.“Nicetoseeyoulookingpresentableforonce.”
“Nicetoseeyoulookinghumanforonce.”Igavehimanequallydeliberateonce-over.“Howmuchdidyoupayfortheskinsuittocoverupyourdevil’shornsandreptileskin?”
“Itwasfree.I’mjustthatcharming,”hedrawled.
“Ithinkthesellerwasjustscaredyou’llsuffocatehimwithyourgiantegoifyoudidn’tleavesoon.”
Hislaughrolledthroughmelikemoltencaramel,richandsweet.“Ifuckingmissedyou.”
Ifellintostepbesidehimaswewalkeddownthestreettowardourmysteriousdestination.“It’sbeenthreedays.”
“Iknow.”
Thefluttersintensified.Dammit.Whenhewasn’tbeinganass,hecouldbeso…sweet.
“Areyougoingtotellmewherewe’regoingnow?”Iwastoocuriousnottoask.Whyhadn’tJoshaskedmetomeethimatthedatespotinsteadofsomerandomstreetcorner?
Heheavedanexaggeratedsigh.“Patience.”
“Idon’tknowwhatthatis,butitsoundsboring.”Istifledalaughwhenheside-eyedme.
“You’reinsufferable.”
“Soyoukeepsaying,yetyoumissedmeandyou’reonadatewithme.Whatdoesthatsayaboutyou?”
“ThatI’magluttonforabeautifulpunishment.”
Ibitmyliptocontainaburgeoningsmile.“Youshouldlookintothat.Doesn’tsoundhealthy.”
“Idid.There’snocure,I’mafraid.”
Istumbledonaloosecobblestoneandwould’vefaceplantedonthesidewalkhadJoshnotcaughtmebythewrist.
“Careful,”hesaid,hiseyesaglowwithamusement.Heknewexactlywhathewasdoing,thebastard.“Don’twantyoutofall.”
“Iwon’t.”Imusteredahaughtytoneandsmootheddownmyskirt,mycheeksred.
Afteranotherfiveminutesorso,wefinallystoppedinfrontofatinyshopwithastripedawningandthewordsApolloHillBooksstampedingoldonthewindows.Pilesofbooksfilledthedisplay,obstructingmyviewoftheshop’sinterior,andtworoyalbluecartsgroanedbeneaththeweightofdiscountedtomesonthesidewalk.
NowIknewwhyJoshhadn’taskedmetomeethimhere—thestreetwasonlywideenoughforpedestriansandbicycles.Acardidn’thaveachanceofsqueezingthroughit.Thesamewentforthesurroundingstreets.
“Welcometothebestbookstoreinthecity.”Joshsweptadramaticarmatthebuildingandgrinnedatmystunnedexpression.
“HowhaveIneverheardofthisplace?”Myheartbeatfastattheprospectofwhatlaybeyondthewhitewooddoor.Discoveringanewbookstorewaslikediscoveringanewtypeofpreciousgem:exhilarating,wondrous,andatouchsurreal.“I’velivedhereforyears.”
“Itopenedafewmonthsagoandfliesundertheradar.Ifoundoutaboutitfromanotherresidentwhosecousin’sfriendownsit.”Joshopenedthedoor
TheminuteIsteppedinside,Ifellinlove.No,notfell.Icrashedintolove,hardandfast,seducedbythefloor-to-ceilingbookcases,thecharminglyhaphazardpilescrowdingtheovaltableinthemiddleofthestore,andthesweet,muskyscentofoldbooks.Theboldemeraldcarpetcontrastedwiththeunderstatedcreamwalls,andseveralwrought-ironchandelierscastawarmglowoverthespace.
Itwasthebookstoreofmydreams,manifestedintoreality.
“WhatdidItellyou?”Josh’svoicerolleddownmyspineinavelvetycaress.“Bestbookstoreinthecity.”
Otherthanthestoreowner,weweretheonlypeoplepresent.Itwashardtobelievethehustleandbustleofthecitylayontheothersideofthedoor.Itwassohushed,Ifeltlikewe’denteredasecretworldcreatedjustforus
“ThisistheonlytimeI’lladmityou’reright.”Iranareverenthandoveranearbypileofbooks.Thestorecontainedamixofnewreleasesandusedbooks,andIwantedtoexplorethemall.“Arewespendingourdatebrowsing?BecauseI’mfullyonboardwiththat.”
“Sortof.”Joshleanedagainstthesideofabookcaseandslidonehandintohispocket,thepictureofgorgeousinsouciance.“Iwouldstartwithyourfavoritechildhoodbook.”
“Why?”
“Trustme.”Heangledhischintowardthenearbychildren’ssection.
TheheatfromJosh’sgazewarmedmyskinasIscannedtheshelvesuntilIfoundwhatIwaslookingfor.TherewereonlythreecopiesofCharlotte’sWeb,andIassumedtherewasanoteorsomethingsimilarinoneofthem.
Thefacthe’drememberedsuchasmalldetailfromourconversationinOhiosentaburstoftinglesshootingthroughme.
Focus,Jules.
Ipluckedoneofthecopiesofftheshelfandflippedthroughthepages.Nothingoutoftheordinary.
Itriedasecondcopy.Nothing.
ButwhenIopenedthethirdbook,aslipofpaperflutteredtotheground.Ipickeditup,andasmileburstontomymouthwhenIreadthewordsscribbledinJosh’sneatscrawl.
Yourfavoritefood,butyouhavetomakeit.
B3,S4,#10.
“Isthisabookstorescavengerhunt?”Ibouncedonmyfeet,unabletocontainmydelight.
“Scavengerhuntandpuzzle.”Josh’scheekdimpled.“Havetomakesureyourbrainpowermeetsmystandards,Red.Idon’tdatedummies.”
“Understandable.Someonehastobethebrainsintherelationship.”
Josh’ssoftlaughsettledinsideme.“Solvethecluebeforeyougetcocky,sweetheart.There’saprizewaitingforyouifyoudo.”
Iperkedup.Ilovedprizes.Ihadawholeboxofcertificates,trophies,andmedalsIwoninhighschoolandcollege.“Whatisit?”
“You’llfindout.Ormaybenot.”Heshrugged.“Let’ssee.”
Myskinbuzzedfrombothourexchangeandthethrillofthehunt,butItampeddownmydesiretocontinueourverbalsparringsessionandrefocusedontheclue.
Yourfavoritefood,butyouhavetomakeitobviouslyreferredtoanItaliancookbook.
AsforB3S4#10…mybrainscrambledtountangleitsmeaning.Itwasascavengerhunt,sothecluelikelyledtoaspecificcookbook.Allthebookswereorganizedinalphabeticalorderbytheauthor’slastname,sowhatcouldthenumbersstandfor?
Iscannedthebookcases,trying—
Myattentionjerkedbacktoasignprintedwiththenumberone.Itwasdisplayedonthesideofthenearestbookcase.
Thebooksweren’tnumbered,butthebookcaseswere,andeverybookcasecomprisedofmultipleshelves.Bookcase,shelf.B3S4.
Cookbooksection,bookcasethree,shelffour…#10.Tenthbookontheshelf?
Itwasworthatry.
MychestthumpedwithanticipationasIbeelinedtotheshelfinquestionandcountedthebooksfromlefttorightOne,two,three,four…
NumbertenwasanItaliancookbook.
Giddinesssurgedthroughmyveins.IshotatriumphantglanceatJosh,whotriedandfailedtoholdbackasmile,beforeIflippedthroughthebookandfoundasecondnote.
NowthatI’dcrackedthecode,thisonewaseasiertosolve.ItguidedmetothetravelsectionforathickguidebooktoItaly.That,inturn,ledmetotheartsectionforabiographyaboutMichelangelo,whichfunneledmetoaromanceaboutapainterfallinginlovewithhisneighborturnedmuse.
Thenoteintheromancenoveldidn’tcontainaclue.Instead,itcontainedonesentence.
Jules,willyougooutwithme?
Wasitpossibleforahumanbeingtoliterallymelt?BecausethatwastheonlyexplanationIcouldthinkofforthewaymykneesweakenedandmyinsidesliquefied.Iwasaballofnothingexceptemotion,heldtogetherbyaroaringheartbeatandastringofbutterflies.
“We’realreadyonadate,idiot.”Mycheeksachedfromsmilingsohard.
Josh’smischievousexpressionmeltedintosomethingwarmer.“FiguredIshouldformallyaskbeforeweheadtothenextstop.”
“Where’sthat?”
“You’llsee.Thanks,Luna.”Henoddedatthegrinningbookstoreowner,whohandedhimashoppingbagpackedwithbooks.
I’dbeensocaughtupinthescavengerhuntIhadn’trealizedshe’dbeenfollowingme,pickingupeverybookwithaclueafterImovedontothenextsection.
“Thebooksareyours.You’rewelcomefordiversifyingyourreading,”Joshsaid.
Iwastoostunnedtocomeupwithagoodretort.“Howdidyouorganizethis?”
“LikeIsaid,Lunaisacoworker’scousin’sfriend.Iworkeditoutwithher.Plus,Iboughtashittonofbooksinexchange,soitwasawin-win.”
“That’s…”Don’tcry.Thatwouldbehumiliating,butthefactthatJoshhadgonetosomuchtroubleforourdate…
AlumplodgeditselfinmythroataswesaidgoodbyetoLunaandexitedthebookshop.
“JulesAmbrose,speechless.Ishould’vedonethisearlier,”Joshjoked.“Would’vesavedmealotofheadachesinthepast.”
“Hilarious.”Ifoundmywordsagain.“So,where’stheprizeyoupromisedme?”
“You’llgetitlater.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“Areyouscammingme,JoshChen?”
Asmileplayedonhismouth.“Maybe.”WestoppedinfrontofGiorgio’s,anintimateItalianrestauranttuckedonasidestreet.Itswindowsglowedwithcandlelight,andthesoftstrainsofjazzmusicfloatedintomyearswhenheopenedthedoor.“Guessyou’llhavetotrustme.”
Threemonthsago,Iwouldn’thavetrustedJoshChenifIwasdrowningandhewasmyonlylifeline.Now,Ididn’tthinktwicebeforeIfollowedhimandthehostesstoatableinthebackcorner.
“Iwouldn’tmakeyoucook,”Joshsaid,referencingthefirstscavengerhuntclue.“Idon’twanttodiefromfoodpoisoning.”
“Quick,quityourjobatthehospital.Youshouldbeacomedian.”Ipagedthroughthemenu.“Sincewe’rehere,IassumeImeetyourintellectualstandardsandamofficiallythebrainsintherelationship.”
“Amongotherthings,”Joshsaidsoftly.
Mymenuflipsslowed.Iraisedmyhead,andmystomachflippedattheintensityinhiseyes.“Otherthings?”
Aslowsmilespreadacrosshismouth.“Nofishingforcompliments,Red.”
“I’mnotfishing.Ihatefishing.”Whatareyouevensaying?Still,Irambledon,toonervoustositstillorstayquiet.“Speakingof,whydoguysalwaysputfishingpicturesintheirdatingprofile?It’saturnoff,honestly.”
“Idon’t,andyoudon’thavetoworryaboutthat.”
“Whynot?”
“Becauseneitherofusaredatinganyoneelse,Red,”Joshsaid,socalmandmatteroffactthewordsetchedthemselvesintomyskinastruth.
Ourserverarrived,savingmefromcomingupwithaneloquentresponse.Itwould’vebeenafutileeffort,anyway.Icouldn’tevenfocusonmyfood,muchlesspiecethethousandsofwordsinmyvocabularyintoacoherentsentence.
AllIcouldfocusonwasthemanacrossthetable.Thefullnessofhislowerlip,theshadowofhisdimple,theroughcaressofhisvoiceandthebronzeglowofhisskininthedimlight.
Ididn’tknowhowIeverthoughtJoshwasannoying,becauseIcouldstayhereandlistentohimtalkforever.
“RememberwhatyoutoldmeinEldorra?Aboutforgiving,evenifIdon’tforget?”Joshrubbedhisjaw.“AlexandIaregoingtoagamenextweek.”
Pleasantsurpriserushedthroughme.“That’sgreat.”
“We’llsee.He’ssuchanasshole,itcouldhurtmorethanithelps.”
Ilaughed.“True.Buthe’salwaysbeenanasshole,andyouguyswerefriendsforyears.”
“Alsotrue.It’sweird,becausehewassofuckinghardtocrack,especiallywhenwefirstmet.Andthatwashimtryingtobepersonable.Normally,Iwould’vewrittensomeonelikethatoff,but…”AfrowntouchedJosh’sbrow.“Idon’tknow.IguessIthoughtheneededafriend.Nomatterhowrichyouare,youstillneedsomeonetohaveyourback.Someonewhodoesn’tdoitforthemoney.”
Isoftenedathiswords.“You’reagoodperson,JoshChen.”
“Onlysometimes.”Heletoutanembarrassedlaugh.“Youwereright,youknow.WhatyousaidaftertheBlackFoxaboutmeholdingontomygrudgebecausethat’sallIhavelefttoholdonto.”
TheBlackFox.Thatnightseemedlikealifetimeago.We’dbeensoangry,andwe’dsaidsomanyhurtfulthings,butifIhadtodoitover,Iwouldn’tchangeathing.Thatnightledustowherewewerenow.Andevenwiththefreshnessofmymother’sdeathandthespecterofMaxhangingoverme,IwashappywithwhereIwas,becauseforonceinmylife,Ididn’tfeelalone.
“Iwouldn’tsaythat’stheonlythingyouhavelefttoholdonto,”Isaid.
Therestoftherestaurantfellawayasthemomentstretchedbetweenus,tautandbrimmingwithamillionunspokenwords.TheansweringflareofemotioninJosh’seyesarrowedintomychestandpiercedashieldIhadn’tknownexisted.
Theresultwasutterchaos—heartbared,pulsewild,stomachflutteringwithaswarmofescapedbutterflies.
“Careful,Red.”PleasurablegoosebumpsdottedmyskinatJosh’ssoftwarning.“Keepsayingthingslikethat,andImightneverletyougo.”
Heatblazedovermyface.Iwasgettinglightheadedfromthelackofoxygen,butnomatterhowhardItriedtobreathe,itwasn’tenough.Everyounceofairvibratedwithanelectricchargethatlitmeupfromtheinside.
Imight’vecollapsedrightthereatthecornertableinGiorgio’shadthejangleofbellsovertheentrancenotloosenedthestrangleholdonme.Itwasfollowedbyacool,clearvoice.
“AlexVolkov.Tablefortwo.”
JoshandItoreoureyesfromeachotherandturnedtothefrontoftherestaurantinmutualhorror.
AlexandAvastoodnearthehostess’sstand.Theyhadn’tnoticedusyet.AlexwasbusylookingatAva,andAvawasbusychattingwiththehostess,butitwasonlyamatteroftime.Therestaurantwastiny.
“OhmyGod.”Iavertedmyeyesandshieldedthesideofmyfacewithmyhand.“Whatdowedo?”
AsfarasAlexandAvaknew,JoshandIstillhatedeachother.Ifweweresomewheremorecasual,wecouldplayitoffashavingaccidentallyrunintoeachother,buttherewasnothingaccidentalaboutsittingatthesamecandlelittableinaromanticrestaurantonaFridaynight.
“Wehavetwooptions.”Josh’svoicewassolowitwasalmostinaudible.“One,westayandfacethemusicwithcourage.Two,wesneakoutthroughthebackbeforetheyseeuslikecowards.”
Westaredateachother.
“Optiontwo,”wemouthedinunison
Luckily,we’dalreadypaid.ThechallengewasgettingtothekitchenwithoutAlexandAvaseeingus.
Wekeptourbackstotherestoftherestaurantasweedgedtowardtheswingingdoubledoors.Wedidn’twanttoattractattentionbyrunning,butmyheartfeltlikeitwouldfalloutofmychestwitheachpassingsecond.
Bysomemiracle,wesnuckintothekitchenbeforeourfriendsspottedus.Oncewedid,webrokeintoarun,earningourselvesstartedglancesfromthestaff.
“Hey!”oneofthelinecooksyelled.“You’renotsupposedtobeinhere!”
“Sorry!”Iyelledbackovermyshoulder.“Wewantedtopayourcomplimentstothechef!”
“Thepappardellealraguwasexcellent,”Joshadded.“Fiveoutoffivestars.”
“I’mcallingthemanager.”Thelinecookraisedhisvoice.“Sergio!”
Shit.
“Go,go,go!”Joshgrabbedmyhandandpulledmetowardtheexit.WespilledoutintothealleywaybehindtherestaurantrightasamanwhomIassumedwasSergioshoutedsomethingincomprehensibleatus.Wedidn’tstoprunninguntilwewereseveralblocksaway,andIbentovertocatchmybreath.
“Shit,”Iwheezed.Cardiowasn’tmystrongsuit,anditshowed.“Ican’tbelievewejustdidthat.”
“Atleastweleftabigtip.”Joshwasn’tevenoutofbreath,thebastard.“We’llthrowaYelpreviewontopofthat.Goodfood,cleankitchen.Wesawitwithourowneyes.”
Forsomereason,thesuggestionstruckmeasabsurd.Idoubledoveragain,thistimefromlaughter.AsecondpassedbeforeJoshjoinedme.
Maybeitwasthefood,theadrenalinefromournearrun-inwithourfriends,orthecrispeveningair,butexhilarationwhippedthroughmeuntiltheworldtilted.
Ihadneverfeltsoincredibly,indescribablyalive.
Ourlaughtergraduallyfaded,buttheballoonofpleasureinmychestlingered.
“So,tellme,Red.”AsmilelingeredatthecornersofJosh’smouth.“Onascaleofonetoten,howgreatwasthedate?”
“Hmm.”Itappedmychin.“Sevenpointfive,roundeduptoeightforthescavengerhunt.”
“Eight,huh?”Hetookasteptowardme.
Myheartbeatalittlefaster.“Uh-huh.”
“WhatdoIhavetodotomakeitaten?”Hisgazedroppedtomymouth.
“Well,youdoowemeaprize.”Wasthatbreathless,giddyvoicemine?“Keepyourpromises,Chen.”
“You’reright.”Joshcuppedmyfacewithonehandandbrushedhisthumbovermylip.Electricsparksformedovermyskin.“Howrudeofmetokeepyouwaiting.”
Heleaneddownandkissedme.Thetouchwasfeatherlight,butittraveledfromthetopofmyheadtothetipsofmytoes.
“Howaboutthat?Areweattenyet?”hewhisperedagainstmylips.
“Um.”Myheadswamwithpleasure.“Maybeanine.”
“Hmm.Thatwon’tdo.”Hekissedmeagain,firmerthistime.HistonguesweptalongtheseamofmylipsandnudgedinsidewhenIpartedforhim.Afogoflustcloudedmybrainwhileheexploredmymouth,hishandapossessiveweightonmyhip.Whenhefinallypulledback,Icouldbarelyremembermyname.“Whataboutnow?”
“Ninepointfive,”Iraspedafteralong,dizzypause.
“Ninepointfive.”Joshwrappedmyponytailaroundhisotherhandandgaveitalightyankthatshotstraighttomycore.“Areyouplayingwithme,Red?”heaskedsilkily.
“Areyoucomplaining?”
Hiseyesglowedwithamusementandsomethingelsethatsentwarmtendrilsspiralingthroughmyinsides.“Notevenalittlebit.”
Thistime,thekisswasharder,moreurgent.
Isankintoit,lettingJosh’stouchandtastesweepmeawaytoaplacewhereweweretheonlypeoplewhoexisted
Ioncereadsomewherethattheoppositeoflovewasn’thate,itwasindifference.Theflamesofhateandpassionburnedinequalmeasure.
Icouldn’tpinpointthespecificmomentmyfeelingstowardJoshchanged.Ididn’tevenknowwhatmycurrentfeelingstowardhimwere,exactly.
AllIknewwas,hesetmeablaze,andIneverwantedthefiretogoout.39JOSH
“Man,Imissedthis.”Istretchedmylegsinfrontofmeandreachedforabeer.“NothingbeatstheVIPsuite.”
“Obviously.That’swhyit’scalledtheVIPsuite.”Alexsatnexttome,hiseyestrackingthegame.TheNationalswereplayingtheDodgers,andtheyweredownbythreerunsinthefifthinning.Nottoobad.
Iwasmoreofabasketballguy,butNatsgamesweremorefuntoattend.AlexandIturnedthemintoatraditionwhenwewereincollege.Wheneverwewantedtotalkaboutsomethingwedidn’twantpeopleoncampustohear,weheadedforNationalsFieldandletthegameplayinthebackgroundwhilewehashedourshitout.
Well,IhashedshitoutwhileAlexsighedandremindedmehowstupidotherpeoplewere.Itwasliketherapy,exceptwithsports,beer,andagrumpybestfriend.
Ihadn’trealizedhowmuchthosesessionshelpeduntiltheyended.
Ofcourse,thatwasassumingsaidbestfriendwasn’tthecauseofmyproblems.
“Dude,you’restillonprobation,”Isaid.“Nosarcasmuntilyou’reoutofthewoods.”
“Thatwasn’tpartofourdeal.”
“Wedidn’thaveadeal.”
“Exactly.”
IglaredatAlex.“Youwantmetoforgiveyouornot?”
“IbribedyouwithVIPseatstothegame,andyouaccepted.Thatmeansyou’vealreadyforgivenme.”Hesmiled.“It’scalledashadowcontract.”
ImaintainedmyfrownforanotherminutebeforeIcavedandsnortedoutalaugh.“Touché.”
Itookaswigofmydrink.Ithoughtitwouldfeelweird,slippingbackintooneofouroldtraditionsaftersolong,butitwasliketimeneverpassed.
Myphonebuzzedwithanewtext,andmylipscurledintoasmilewhenIreadit.
Jules:How’sthebrodategoing?ShouldIbeworried?
Me:TBD.Alexknowshowtotreataguyright,butyou’reprettier
Jules:AreyousayingIdon’tknowhowtotreatyouright??
Me:Youspendhalfyourtimeinsultingme,Red
Jules:It’snotmyfaultyou’reamasochist
Jules:Excusemeforcateringtoyourkink*eyerollemoji*
Anotherlaughroseinmythroat.
Me:That’snotmykink,sweetheart
Me:MaybeyouneedareminderonwhatmykinkIS
Myhandaroundherthroat.Hernailsclawingatmyskin.HerwhimpersandpleasasIedgedhertowardinsanitybeforeIfuckedthefightrightoutofher
Isentthelastmessageasatease,butheatsurgedthroughmybloodatthethought.
JulesandIhadn’thadsexsinceOhio.Nowthatweweredating,Iwantedtodoitproperly,andinafitofsheeridiocy,I’dimplementedano-sex-until-our-third-daterule.
Itwasbackwardsasfuck,consideringwe’dalreadyslepttogether,butitfeltright.OrmaybeIwasamasochist.Iwasblueballingmyself,andJuleswasn’thavingagreattimewiththesexualdeprivationeither.
Thethirddaterulewouldn’tbesobadifwehadtimetodate.Unfortunately,neithermyhospitalschedulenorherjobattheclinicgavetwoshitsaboutoursexlife,sowehadn’tevenhadourseconddateyet
Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifmydickmutiniedbeforethen.Justupandjumpedshipduetosheerneglect.
ThethreedotsindicatingJuleswastypingpoppedup,disappeared,thenpoppedupagain.
Jules:Yes,Ido??
Jules:BettermakethatmultiplereminderssoIdon’tforget
Isuppressedatorturedgroan.
Josh:You’refuckingkillingme
Josh:EndingthisbeforeIhavetositthroughtherestofthegamewithagoddamnboner
Thoughitmightbetoolateforthat
Jules:Coward
Josh:Teaseallyouwant,Red
Josh:I’llremembereverywordnexttimeI’mfuckingyou
IshovedthephoneinmypocketbeforeIdidsomethingstupid,likebailonthegame,drivetoherhouse,andmakegoodonmythreat.
Onsecondthought…
“Who’sthegirl?”Alex’swordsthrewabucketofcoldwaterovermyX-ratedfantasies.
Baseballgame.VIPsuite.ReconciliationwithAlex.
Right.
Iclearedmythroatandshiftedinmyseat,tryingtohidethelingeringeffectsofmytextswithJules.“Howthehelldidyouknowitwasagirl?”
“Yourfacegivesitaway.”Belowus,acollectivegroaneruptedinthestadiumwhentheDodgersscoredanotherrun.“So,whoisit?”Alexfacedme,atouchofcuriositywarminghiscoolgreeneyes.“Youlookeddisgustinglybesottedwhiletexting.”
“Ididnotlookbesotted.”Ifinishedmybeerandreachedforanotherone.Wasitmyfifthorsixth?Iwasn’tsure.Mytolerancehadjumped,andittookalottoevengetmebuzzedthesedays.“Besides,you’reonetotalk.NexttimeAvatextsyou,I’lltakeapictureofyourfacesoyouknowwhatyoulooklike.”
Insteadoftakingthebait,Alextippedhisheadtotheside.Thecuriositysharpenedintoknowing.“It’snotjustsex.You’redatingher.”
Motherfucker.“Ineversaidthat.”
“Youimpliedit.”
“No,Ididn’t.”
“Yes,youdid.”
Ireleasedanaggravatedsigh.
Man,fuckhavingabestfriend.Theywereoverratedknow-it-alls.
“Fine.Imaybedatingsomeone.”TryingtooutargueAlexwasliketryingtonailjellytoawall—futileandawasteoftime.“Youdon’tknowher.”
“Don’tbetoosure.Iknowalotofpeople.”
“Youdon’tknowher.”IfItoldhim,hewouldtellAva,andIwouldratherguzzleagallonoffilthyPotomacRiverwaterthanhavethatconversationwithmysister.
NowIunderstoodhowshe’dfeltwhenshe’dbeendatingAlexbehindmyback.
“Hmm.”Heleanedbackinhisseat,hiseyespiercingthroughmyskin.“JoshChendatingseriously.NeverthoughtI’dseetheday.”
“Icouldsaythesameaboutyou.”
“Sometimes,peoplechange.Andsometimes,theymeetpeoplewhomakethemwanttochange.”
“Andsometimes,peoplesoundlikeahumanfortunecookie.”
Exceptforafewraregems,Alex’sadviceswungfromwildlydisturbing—likethetimehesuggestedIblackmailaprofessorwhohaditoutformebecauseI’dcorrectedhiminclass—toirritatinglyvague.
“Speakingofchange…”Ihesitatedbeforecontinuing.“Michael’sbeensendingmeletters.Ihaven’topenedanyyet,butImightvisithimsoon.Inprison.”
Ihadn’teventoldAvayet,andIwasn’tsureIeverwould.She’dfinallymovedonfromwhatMichaeldid;Ididn’twanttodragherbackintothatmess.
However,thatmeantAlexwastheonlyotherpersonwhomightunderstandthesignificanceofwhatIwassaying.
Hestilled,hisfeatureshardeninguntiltheyappearedcarvedfromstone.Michaelmaynothavemurderedhisfamily,buthehadtriedtomurderAva.Itwasanequaloffenseinhiseyes.
“Isee.”Zeroinflection.“Whenareyouvisitinghim?”
“Idon’tknow.”Istaredatthefieldwithoutreallyseeingit.“NextdayIhaveoff,maybe.Don’tevenknowwhatI’llsaytohim.”
So,how’sthefoodinprison?
Hey,Dad.Didyoualwayswanttogrowuptobeanattemptedmurderer,orwereyouinspiredbythetruecrimeshowsMomlikedtowatch?
You’reapieceofshitandIwishedIhatedyouasmuchasIshould.
Irubbedahandovermyface,exhaustedjustthinkingaboutit.
Ineededtotalktohim,butthatdidn’tmeanIwantedto.
Alexwasquietforalongmomentbeforehesurprisedthefuckoutofmebysaying,“Maybeyoushouldopenhisletters.”
Astartledlaughescapedmythroat.“Areyoushittingme?Ithoughtyouwouldtrytodiscouragemefromseeinghim.”
“He’sapieceofshit,andIwouldhappilywatchhimbleedifIcould,”Alexsaidcoldly.“Buthe’syourfather,andaslongasyouavoidconfrontinghim,he’llalwayshaveaholdonyou.Thebastarddoesn’tdeserveit.”
ItsoundeddisturbinglyclosetoJules’sadvice.
Intellectually,IalreadyknewIneededclosure,buthearingAlexlayitoutinsuchstark,unsentimentaltermshithard.
“Yeah.”Itiltedmyheadbackandstaredattheceiling,givingupanypretenseofwatchingthegame.“Isitbadthatpartofmewisheshehadagoodexcusefordoingwhathedid?Iknownothingcanexcuseit,but…fuck.Idon’tknow.”Irubbedmyhandovermyfaceagain,wishingIcouldarticulatetheturmoileatingawayatmyinsides.
“Avahadcomplicatedfeelingstowardhim,andshewastheonehetriedtokill.”Alex’seyesdarkened.“Whensomeoneraisesyou,it’shardtoletthatgo.”
“Thatapplytoyoutoo?”
Alex’sunclehadbeentheonebehindhisfamily’shit,andhe’ddiedinamysteriousfiresoonafterthatrevelationcametolight.
Ineveraskedaboutthefire,becauseIwassureIdidn’twanttoknowtheanswer.WhenitcametoAlex,ignorancewasbliss.Forthemostpart.
“No.”
Ishookmyhead,exasperatedbutunsurprisedbythecurtanswer.“YouthinkIshouldvisitMichael?”
“Ithinkyoushoulddowhateveryouneedtodotoputhimbehindyou.”Alexshiftedhisattentionbacktothegame.TheNatshadclosedthescorewhenweweren’tlooking;theywerenowdownbyonlyone.“Don’tlethimruinyourlifeanymorethanhealreadyhas.”
Alex’swordsranthroughmymindfortherestofthegame.
TheywerestillechoinginmyheadwhenIreturnedhomeandopenedthedeskdrawer.Athickpileoflettersnestledagainstthedarkwood,waitingformetopickthemup.
Ithinkyoushoulddowhateveryouneedtodotoputhimbehindyou.
ItwasironichowquicklyI’djumpoffaliteralcliff,bridge,orplane,butwhenitcametothepersonalmoments,theonesthatmattered,Iwasachildstandingattheedgeofapoolforthefirsttime.
Scared.Hesitant.Anticipatory.
Afteranotherminute’spause,Isatinmychair,openedthefirstenvelope,andstartedreading.
***
TheHazelburgCorrectionalFacility’svisitationroomresembledahighschoolcafeteriamorethanaprisonfacility.Adozenwhitetablesscatteredacrossthestarkgrayfloor,andotherthanahandfulofgenericlandscapepaintings,thewallswerebareofdecoration.Securitycameraswhirredintheceiling,silentvoyeurstothereunionsplayingoutbetweenprisonersandtheirfamilies.
MykneebouncedwithnervoustensionuntilIclosedmyhandarounditandforcedittostill.
ThetableswerecloseenoughIcouldpickupotherpeople’sconversations,buttheyweredrownedoutbysnippetsfromMichael’slettersinmymind.I’dreadthemsomanytimesintheweeksinceIopenedthemthattheirwordshadsearedintomybrain.
How’syourresidencygoing?IsitanythinglikeGrey’sAnatomy?Youusedtojokeaboutkeepingajournallistingalltheshow’sinaccuraciesonceyouwerearesident.Ifyouactuallyhaveone,I’dlovetoseeit…
IjustsawGroundhogDay.Lifeinprisonfeelslikethatsometimes…livingthesamedayoverandoveragain…
MerryChristmas.Areyoudoinganythingfortheholidaysthisyear?Iknowdoctorshavetoworkthroughtheholidays,buthopefullyyou’retakingsometimeoff.MaybegoseetheNorthernLightsinFinlandlikeyou’vealwayswanted…
Thelettersweregenericandinnocuous,buttheycontainedjustenoughinsidejokesandsharedmemoriestokeepmeupatnight.
Readingtheletters,IcouldalmostbelieveMichaelwasanormalfatherwritingtohissonandnotapsychobastard.
Thedooropened,andamaninanorangejumpsuitwalkedin.
Speakofthedevil…
Mystomachtwisted.
Hishairwasalittlegrayer,hiswrinklesalittlemorepronounced,butotherwise,MichaelChenlookedthesameashealwayshad.
Stern.Cerebral.Solemn.
Hesatacrossfromme,andheavysilencestretchedtautbetweenuslikearubberbandonthevergeofsnapping.
Prisonguardswatcheduswithhawkeyesfromtheedgeoftheroom,theirheavyscrutinyathirdparticipantinournonexistentconversation.
Finally,Michaelspoke.“Thankyouforcoming.”
Itwasmyfirsttimehearinghisvoiceintwoyears.
Iflinched,unpreparedforthenostalgiaittriggered.
ThatwasthesamevoicethathadsoothedmewhenIwassick,encouragedmeafterIlostabasketballgame,andyelledatmewhenIsnuckoutclubbingwithafakeIDinhighschoolandgotcaught.
Itwasmychildhood—thegood,thebad,andtheugly,allwrappedupinonedeep,rumblingtone.
“Ididn’tcomeforyou.”Ipressedmyhandharderagainstmythigh.
“Sowhydidyoucome?”Exceptforthebriefshadowthatcrossedhisface,Michaelbetrayednoemotionatmyunsentimentalresponse.
“I…”Myanswerstuckinmythroat,andMichael’smouthcurvedintoaknowingsmile.
“Sinceyou’rehere,Iassumeyou’vereadmyletters.Youknowwhat’shappenedwithmeovertheyears,whichisn’tmuch.”Heletoutaself-deprecatinglaugh.“Tellmeaboutyou.How’swork?”
Itwassurreal,sittinghereandtalkingtomyfatherlikewewereonafuckingcoffeedate.Butmybrainhadblanked,andIcouldn’tthinkofanothercourseofactionexcepttoplayalong.
“It’sfine.”
“Josh.”Michaellaughedagain.“Youhavetogivememorethanthat.You’vewantedtobeadoctorsincehighschool.”
“Residencyisresidency.Lotsoflonghours.Lotsofsicknessanddeath.”Iflashedahardsmile.“Youknowalotaboutthat.”
Michaelwinced.“Andyourlovelife?Areyouseeinganyone?”Heskippedovermylaststatement.“You’regettingtothatage.It’stimetosettledownandstartafamilysoon.”
“I’mnoteventhirtyyet.”Honestly,Ididn’tknowifIwantedchildren.IfIdid,itwouldn’tbeuntilwaydowntheroad.IneededtoexperiencemoreoftheworldbeforeIsettledintothewhitepicketfenceandsuburbanhouselife.
“Yes,butyouhavetoallotafewyearstodatingfirst,”Michaelreasoned.“Unlessyou’realreadydatingsomeone.”HiseyebrowsrosewhenIremainedsilent.“Areyoudatingsomeone?”
“No,”Ilied,partlytospitehim,andpartlybecausehedidn’tdeservetoknowaboutJules.
“Ah,well,afathercanhope.”
Wecontinuedoursmalltalk,usingmundanetopicssuchastheweatherandupcomingfootballseasontosidesteptheelephantintheroom.Otherthanpunchinghimintheface,I’dneverconfrontedhimaboutwhathedidtoAva.
Theknowledgesatinmystomachlikeaconcreteblock.Ignoringitfeltwrong,butIalsocouldn’tbringmyselftoshatterthelight,ifsomewhatforced,conversationbetweenus.
I’msorry,Ava.
Afterfloatingadriftforthepasttwoyears,IcouldpretendIhadafatheragain.Asfuckedupandselfishasitwas,Iwantedtosavorthefeelingforawhilelonger.
“How’sprison?”Ialmostlaughedatmyinanequestion,butIwasgenuinelycurious.Michael’slettersdetailedtheminutiaeofhisdays,buttheyhadn’trevealedhowhewasdealingwithhisincarceration.
Washesad?Ashamed?Angry?Didhegetalongwiththeotherinmates,ordidhekeeptohimself?”
“Prisonisprison.”Michaelsoundedalmostcheerful.“It’sboring,uncomfortable,andthefoodisterrible,butitcouldbeworse.Luckily…”Adarkgleamlituphiseyes.“I’vemadesomefriendswho’vebeenabletohelpmeout.”
Ofcoursehehad.Ididn’tknowtheinsandoutsofinmatepolitics,butMichaelhadalwaysbeenasurvivor.
Iwasn’tsurewhetherIwasrelievedorpissedthathewasn’tsufferingmore.
“Speakingofwhich…”Michaelloweredhisvoicefurtheruntilitwasnearlyinaudible.“They’veaskedforafavorinexchangefortheir,ah,friendship.”
Icysuspicionwelledinmychest.“Whatkindoffavor?”
Iassumedfriendshipwascodeforprotection,butwhoknew?Crazyshithappenedintheprisonsystem.
“Prisonpoliticsis…complicated,”Michaelsaid.“Lotsofbartering,lotsofinvisiblelinesyoudon’twanttocross.Butonethingeveryonecanagreeonishowvaluablecertainitemsare.Cigarettes,chocolate,instantramen.”Asmallpause.“Prescriptionpills.”
Prescriptionpillswerevaluableevenintherealworld;ontheprisonblackmarket,theymustbegold.
Andwhohadeasyaccesstopills?Doctors.
Afistgrabbedholdofmygutsandtwisted.
Onceuponatime,Iwould’vegivenmyfatherthebenefitofthedoubt,butIknewbetternow.Perhapshedidmissmeandwantedtomakeamends.Hehad,afterall,writtentomefortwoyears.
Butattheendoftheday,MichaelChenonlylookedoutforhimself.
“Isee.”Iforcedmyexpressiontoremainneutral.“I’mnotsurprised.”
“You’vealwaysbeensmart.”Michaelsmiled.“Smartenoughtobeadoctor,obviously.Imentionedthattomyfriends,andtheyaskedifyouwouldn’tmindhelpingusout.”
Hehadsomeballstoaskmetosmugglehimpillsinthemiddleofthevisitationroom.Hisvoicewastoolowfortheguardstohear,butmaybetheguardswereinonit.Insomeprisons,theinmatesrantheshow,andthesystemasawholewascorruptasfuck.
“Youhaven’tchangedatall,haveyou?”Ididn’tbothertopretendIdidn’tknowwhathewastalkingabout.
“Ihavechanged,”Michaelsaid.“LikeIsaid,whatIdidtoAvawaswrong,buttheonlywayIcanmakeamendsisifIstayalive.Andtheonlywayformetostayaliveistoplaythegame.”Hisjawtensed.“Youdon’tknowwhatit’slikeinhere.Howharditistosurvive.I’mdependingonyou.”
“Maybeyoushould’vethoughtofthatbeforeyoutriedtomurdermysister.”Mypent-upangerdidn’texplode;itseepedoutofme,slowandsteady,liketoxicfumespoisoningtheair.
Forthefirsttimesinceheshowedup,Michael’s“remorsefulfather”maskslipped.Hiseyespiercedmeliketwindaggers.“Iraisedyou.Ifedyou.Ipaidforyourschooling.”Hebitouteachwordlikeabullet.“NomatterhowwrongIwas,itdoesn’tchangethefactthatI’myourfather.”
TheprincipleoffilialpietyhadbeeningrainedinmesinceIwasachild.PerhapsitevenplayedapartinwhyitwassohardformetocuttieswithMichael,becauseapartofmedidfeellikeIowedhimforeverythinghe’dgivenmegrowingup.Wehadanicehouseandwentonfancyfamilyvacations.HeboughtmethelatestgadgetsforChristmaseveryyearandpaidforThayer,oneofthemostexpensiveschoolsinthecountry.
However,therewasalinetotheblindobedience,andhe’dcrosseditathousandtimesover.
“Iappreciateallyoudidformeasakid.”Myhandsformedwhite-knuckledfistsunderthetable.“Butbeingaparentisaboutmorethanprovidingbasicnecessities.It’sabouttrustandlove.IheardyourconfessiontoAva,Dad.WhatIdidn’thearwasafuckingapology—”
“Don’tcurse.It’sunbecoming.”
“Oragoodexplanationforwhyyoudidwhatyoudid,andIwillfuckingcurseifIfuckingwantto,because,again,youtriedtomurdermysister!”
Mypulsecrescendoedintoadeafeningroarwhilemyheartbatteredagainstmyribs.TherewastheexplosionI’dbeenwaitingfor.Twoyearsofpent-upemotiongushedoutatonce,erasingourbriefmomentofbonding.
Theotherinmatesfellsilent.Oneoftheguardsmovedtowardmeinwarningbutstoppedshortofinterruptingus.
Michael’seyetwitched.“You’remyson.Youcan’tleavemeheretorot.”
Hesoundedlikeabrokenrecord.
Oursharedgenesweretheonlybargainingchiphehadleft,andwebothknewit.
“You’vesurvivedtwoyears.I’msureyou’llsurviveanothertwentymore.”Istood,mychesthollownowthatI’dexpelledallmyemotion.Numbnesssetinandturnedmyskincold.
I’dhopedagainstallhopesthatmyfathercouldsomehowredeemtheunredeemable.Thathecouldgiveagoodreasonforwhyhedidwhathedid,oratleastshowgenuineremorse.Butitwassuddenly,blindinglyclearthatwhilehecouldmimiclove,hecouldn’tactuallyfeelit.
Perhapshelovedmeinhisownway,butthatdidn’tstophimfromusingme.IfIwereofnousetohim—ifIdidn’thaveaccesstothepillshecraved,andifIweren’thisoneremainingtietotheoutsideworld—hewouldcastmeasidewithoutasecondthought.
“Josh.”Michaelletoutaforcedlaugh.“Youcan’tbeserious.”
“You’remyfatherbyblood,butyou’renotmyfamily.Youneverwillbe.I’msureyourfriendswillunderstand.”Istood,abittertastecoatingmytongue.“Iwon’tbevisitingagain,butIwishyouallthebest.”
“Josh.”Paniccreptintohiseyes,followedbystunnedhurt.ItmightbethefirstrealemotionI’dseenfromhiminalongtime,butitwastoolate.
Atsomepoint,wehadtoletgoofwhoapersonusedtobeorwhotheycouldbeandseethemforwhotheyreallywere.AndthepersonMichaelChenhadbecomewasn’tsomeoneIwantedtocallmyfather.
“Sitdown,”hesaid.“Wedon’thavetotalkaboutthepills.Tellmeaboutyourtravels.Youalwayslikedtraveling.Whereareyougoingnext?”
MyeyesburnedasIwalkedaway.
“Josh.”Thepanicbledintohisvoice.“Josh!”
Ididn’tanswerorsaygoodbye.
IsignedoutandkeptwalkinguntilIhittheblazingheatoutsidetheprison.
Ihadclosure,butnoonetoldmeclosurewassuchabitch.Itclawedatmybonesandrippedabloodygashthroughmyheartuntileverybreathbecameabattle.
Butinsteadoftryingtoassuageit,Iembracedit.Becauseeventhoughpainhurtlikeamotherfucker,itprovedyouwerestillalive,anditwasonlyafteritfadedthatyoucouldfinallyheal.40JULES
ThedoorbellranglessthanaminuteafterIfinishedmyonlinebarreviewlesson.
Theexamwasinlessthanamonth,whichmeantIlivedandbreathedprepuntilitwasover.Nogoingout,nocoffeecatchupswithmyfriends,nobigdateswithJosh.Whenwedidseeeachother,JoshandIkeptitlowkey;sometimes,ourhangoutsconsistedofmestudyingwhilehemadecoffeeandorderedtakeout.
ButwhenIansweredthedoorandsawhimstandinginthehall,hisfaceamaskofgranite,allthoughtsofthebarvanished.
“IvisitedMichael.”HishollowvoicetoldmeallIneededtoknowabouthowthevisitwent.
Shit.
“Howareyoufeeling?”Ididn’taskfordetailsaboutthevisit;theyweren’timportant.WhatwasimportantwashowJoshwashandlingtheaftermath.
Iopenedthedoorwidersohecouldenter.Stellawasatwork,andIhadtheplacetomyselfforthenextfewhours.
“Likehowyou’dexpect.”Joshshotmealopsidedsmile,buthismuscleswerevisiblytense.Hiseyesfellonmyopenlaptopandtextbooks.“Sorry,Ididn’tmeantobargeintoyourstudytime.Iknowyou’rebusy…”
“Don’tworryaboutit.Iwasdueforastudybreakanyway.”I’dbeenstudyingforsixhoursstraight,andmyeyeswereblurryfromstaringatthescreensolong.
Iwelcomedthedistraction,thoughIwishitwereahappierone.
IsankontothecouchnexttoJosh.“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”Iasked.“Usually,Ichargeformytherapeuticservices,butyou’rehot,soI’llgiveyouacomplimentaryfifteen-minutesession.”
“Iamhot.”Henodded.“Ilikeyou.We’reofftoagoodstart.”
“Well,Ihavealotofexperiencewithdelusionalnarcissists.IliveinD.C.,afterall.”
Josh’sroughlaughwrappedaroundmyheart.“That’savalidpoint.”
MysmilelingeredforanothermomentbeforeIsobered.“Seriously,howareyou?”
Heleanedhisheadagainstthebackrest.“Sad.Pissed.ResignedtothefactmyfatherandIwillneverreconcile.And…”Histhroatflexedwithahardswallow.“RelievedthatIcanfinallyputitallbehindme.Ireadhisletters.Itwasjustbullshitemotionalmanipulation.Michaelwillneverchange,andseeinghimandcuttingtieswasfuckingpainful.ButIgotwhatIneeded.”
“Closure,”Isaidsoftly.
“Yeah.”Heturnedtofaceme,hiseyesdarkwithself-deprecation.“Irealizehowstupiditwastoputoffconfrontinghimforsolong.IputmylifeonholdfortwoyearswhenIcould’vejustgottenitoverwithandmovedon.”
“It’snotstupid.”Icurledmyhandaroundhisandsqueezed.“Youweren’tready.It’snotjustabouttheconfrontation.It’saboutgivingyourselftimetoprepare.Figureoutwhatyouwant.”
“Yeah.”Heknockedhiskneeagainstmine.“You’renotasshittyatherapistasIthoughtyou’dbe.”
Iplacedahandovermychestinmockoutrage.“Igiveyouafreesession,andthat’showyourepayme?Byinsultingme?”
“YouloveitwhenIinsultyou.”
“Newsflash,genius.Noonelikesgettinginsulted.”
“Youwanttotestthattheory?”Josh’svoicelowered.
Justlikethat,theairshifted.Heavyemotiongavewaytoacracklingelectricitythatbuzzedovermyskinandsurgedthroughmyblood.It’dbeenwaytoolongsinceI’dhadsex,andeverylook,everyword,kindledanothersparkofarousal.
Butitwasn’tjustaboutsex.Sometimes,theonlywaytopurgetheemotionalwasthroughthephysical.Catharsisinitsrawestform.
IfthiswaswhatJoshneededafterhisvisitwithMichael,Iwouldgiveittohim.
“Whatdidyouhaveinmind?”JoshhadbeenthereformewhenIneededadistractionfromMax.Itwastimeformetoreturnthefavor…notthatthatwasahardshipinanyway.
Ashadowoftensionremainedinhiseyes,buthissmilewasallsilkandwickedness.“Takeoffyourclothes,Red.”
Aninsistentbeatpulsedbetweenmylegsathissoftcommand.
IstoodandkeptmygazeonhisasIslowlyslidthetopbuttonofmyshirtoutofitshole.Bankedheatincineratedtheshadowsinhiseyesandengulfedmeinitsflames.
“Whatkindofmanmakesthewomandoallthework?”Iunbuttonedthesecondbutton.“Ididn’trealizeyouweresuchaslacker,Chen.”Thirdbutton.“Orisitperformanceanxietythat’sholdingyouback?”
Icastapointedglanceathisgroin,butmymouthdriedatthesizeofhisarousal.
I’dforgottenhowbighewas.Howroughhelikedit.
Fourthbutton.
Nervousanticipationrolledthroughmelikearisingtide.
“It’sinterestinghowyoukeepinsultingmelikeIwon’ttakeeverywordoutonyoulater,”JoshsaidcalmlywhenIshruggedoutofmyshirtandletitfluttertotheground.“Ormaybeyouwantmetotakeitonyoulater?”
Fireblazedonmycheeks.
Ishimmiedoutofmypants,myfingersshaking.
“That’swhatIthought.”Hissmileturnedknowing.“Underwear,too.Takeitoff,thenwalktoyourroom.”
Theairconditioningwasonfullblast,buttheheatofhisstareonmynakedbodywarmedmefromheadtotoe.
Hewalkedbehindme,hisstepsnearsilent,likeapredatorstalkingwillingprey.
Myanticipationcrescendoedwhenwereachedmyroom,butitdevolvedintoconfusionwhenJoshopenedmyclosetandflickedthroughthehangersuntilhepulledsomethingoffoneofthem.
“What…”Itrailedoffatthesightofthesilkscarvesinhishands.
Mystomachtumbledoveritself.OhGod.
Hewrappedthescarvesaroundhisfistsotheydidn’ttrailontheground.“Getonthebed,Jules.”
Normally,Iwouldputupmoreofafight,butIwastoowetandachingtodoanythingexceptwhathesaid.
Themattressdippedbeneathmyweight.Joshjoinedmelessthantwosecondslater,andIsuckedinasharpbreathwhenhepushedmefacedownonthebedandtiedmyhandstotheheadboardposts.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Icouldbarelyhearmyselfovertheroarinmyears.Mynipplesweresoharditwasalmostpainful,andmyjuicesslickedmythighsatthegalleryofX-ratedimagesplayinginmyhead.
“SinceyouthinkI’msolazy…”Hemoveddownmybody,andIletoutasmallyelpwhenheyankedmylegsapartandtiedmyanklestotheremainingposts.“Imightaswellproveyouright.”
Joshsteppedoffthebedtoadmirehishandiwork.Iwastiedspreadeagleonthebed,andahotflushstoleovermyfacewhenIrealizedhehadanunimpededviewofhowturnedonIwas—myclitswollenandthrobbing,mythighswetwithmyarousal.
Butwhenheturnedandopenedmynightstanddrawer,dreadtrickledintomyveins.
Hewouldn’t.
“Josh,don’tyoufuckingdare.”
“Darewhat?”Hisvoicewasallinnocence,butadarkgleamenteredhiseyeswhenhefoundwhathewaslookingfor.
Abeadofsweatformedonmyforeheadatthesightoflubeandoneofmyfavoritetoys—adouble-endedvibratorwithclitoralsuction.Itwasexpensiveashell,andforgoodreason.Itcouldbringmetoamind-blowingorgasminlessthanthirtyseconds.
Itcouldalsokeepmeonedgeforhours,dependingonthespeedandintensity.
“Thisisn’tfunny.”Ituggedatmyties,buthe’dknottedthemsoexpertlytheydidn’tbudge.
“Ifyouwantmetountieyou,justsayso.”Joshleanedhishipagainstthedresser,infuriatinglycasual.“I’lldoitandleaveyouinpeace.Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Isetmyjawbutremainedsilent.
“That’swhatIthought.”Heapproachedmeagainanddraggedthetipofthevibratorovermyclit,justlightenoughtosendaboltofsensationrocketingthroughmybodybutnotenoughtoprovidethefrictionIdesperatelyneeded.
Myhandscurledintofists.Iwouldn’tgivehimthesatisfactionofresponding.
Hissoftlaughdriftedovermybodyandspikedmyalreadyrawnerveendings.“Youcanfightitallyouwant,butyourpussygivesyouawayeverytime.You’refuckingdripping,Red.”Heslidafingerinsideme,andmynailscarvedgroovesinmypalmsfromtheeffortittooktoholdbackamoan.
“Sostubborn.”Hetsked.“Let’sseewhatwecandoaboutthat.”
Heremovedhishand.Asecondlater,thecoolsilkinessofthelubedrippedontome,makingmejerk.
Iwasn’tananalsexvirgin,butit’dbeenawhilesinceI’dgonethere,soIwasgratefulwhenJoshusedmoregelthanusualtoprepme.
“Youlooksobeautiful,tiedupandwaitingformycock.”Hisbreathskatedovermyneckbeforehefolloweditwithhistongue.Hekissedandteasedthesensitivespotonmynapewhilehepushedthevibratorinsidemewithagonizingslowness.“Butwe’regoingtohavesomefunfirst.SinceI’msolazyandall.”
“Josh…”Mywhimperhitchedintoagaspwhenheshovedthelastinchofthetoyintome,fillingmetothepointofdiscomfortonbothends.“Justfuckme,dammit.”
“Iwould,butI’maslacker,remember?Bettertoletsomethingelsedothework.”
Thevibratorswitchedon.andfinallywrenchedastrangledcryoutofme.Myearlierdiscomfortgraduallyfaded,replacedbyintense,searingpleasure.
OhGod.
Icouldn’tthink.Couldn’tbreathe.AllIcouldfocusonwerethesensationszingingthroughmybodyasthevibrationsricochetedthroughme.Igroundagainstthebed,desperateforrelief,butJoshhadtiedmeinawaythatrenderedmenearimmobile.
AllIcoulddowaslaythere,aslavetohiswhimswhileheplayedmeliketheworld’smostexquisitelytorturoussong.
Fast.Slow.Fast.Slow.BringingmetotheedgeagainandagainuntilIwasapuddleofpure,unrelentingneed.
“You’reright.”Luststrainedhisvoice,andIwould’vetakengreaterpleasureinthefactthiswasastorturousforhimasitwasformehadInotbeenneartheedgeofinsanity.“Sometimes,itpaystojustsitbackandwatch.”
Hesatinthecornerandpalmedhiscock,hiseyeslikeburningflamesagainstmynakedfleshwhileIsquirmedagainstmyties.
“Please,”Isobbed.“Ican’t…Josh…Ineedyouinsideme.Please.”
Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.IfIdidn’tcomesoon,Iwoulddie.Iwassureofit.
Thevibratorstopped,andItensedwithanticipationwhenheroseandwalkedtowardme.Themattressdippedbeneathhisweightashestraddledme,butinsteadofpullingthetoyoutandenteringme,Joshsettheremotedownandpalmedmybreastswithbothhands.
“Idon’tthinkyou’velearnedyourlessonyet,Red.”Hisvelvetvoicecontrastedwiththeroughnesswithwhichhepinchedmynipples.
Isuckedinasharpbreathwhenhepushedmybreaststogetherandslidhiscockinbetweenthem.Pre-cumdrippedontomyskin,allowinghimtothrustmoreeasily.
I’dneverletaguydothisbefore,but…God.
ThehardnessofhisarousalagainstthesoftnessofmybreastsstokedtheflamesinmybodysohighIthoughtImightcombust.
MybreathscameoutinsoftpantswhenJoshpickedupthepace,fuckingmytitsfasteruntiltheheadofhiscockgrazedmychinwitheachupwardthrust.
“Fuck,yourtitsareperfect,”hegroaned.Hegaveanotherfewpumpsbeforethickropesofcumpaintedmyfaceandchest.
Ibarelyhadachancetocatchmybreathbeforehewipedsomeofthecumoffmychinwithhiscockandpusheditinsidemymouth.Iswallowedeagerly,toomindlesswithlusttodoanythingexceptwhathewantedmetodo.
He’djustburiedhimselfallthewaydownmythroatwhenthevibratorbuzzedtolifeagain.
Mybodyinstinctivelyjerked.Istrainedagainstmyties,myearlierdesperationreturninginfullforceaspleasurepulsedthroughme.
Iwasgoingtodielikethis—tiedup,coveredincum,andcravingorgasm.Mybrainwasalreadyshort-circuiting,andiftheexplosionbuildinginsidemedidn’tfindareleasesoon,itwouldincineratemefromtheinsideout.
“Yousaidyouwantedmeinsideyou.”Joshpulledoutandwipedmorecumoffmyfacebeforeshovinghiscockbackinmymouth.“Youshould’vebeenmorespecific,sweetheart.”
Iletoutamuffledprotestbeforehecleanedmeup,againandagain,untilI’dswallowedallhiscumandhewasfullyhardagain.
“Youlikethis,don’tyou?”hegrowled.Hestareddownatme,hisfacetautwithdesireashepumpedinandoutofmythroat.“Gettingfacefuckedandfilledineveryholelikeagoodlittleslut.”
“Mmmphf.”Myansweringmoanwasdrownedoutbythebuzzofthetoyandtheroarinmyears.
Iwasonfire—everynerveendingaflame,everysecondaneternityofexquisitetorture.
Itwasheaven,hell,andeverythinginbetween.
Joshletoutanothergroanbeforehepulledoutofmeagain.Heslowlyslidthetoyoutofme,andIwhimperedattheresultingemptiness.Afterbeingsofullforsolong,itseemedwrongnottohavesomethinginsideme.
Thesilkscarveswentnext,onebyone,untilIwasfinallyfree.
“Suchagoodgirl.”Joshrubbedatearoffrustrationfrommycheek.“Youswallowedeverydropofcum.Thatdeservesareward,don’tyouthink?”Hepushedhisthumbintomymouth,lettingmetastethesaltinessofmyneed.
“Please—”Agaspcutoffmywordswhenheenteredmeandburiedhimselftothehiltinonesmooththrust.
“Fuck.”Hecursed,hisvoiceturninggutturalashethrustinandoutofme.“Youtakemycocksowell,Red.Likeyourpussywasmadeforme.”
Despitehisfilthywords,histouchwasgentleashekissedmeandsettledintoaslow,leisurelyrhythm.Unliketheprevioustimeswehadsex,thisdidn’tfeellikefucking;itfeltlikesomethingsweeter,moreintimate.
Itfeltlikemakinglove.
Theballoftinglesatthebaseofmyspineclimbedhigheratthethought.
Iclosedmyeyes,mybreathscomingoutinstaccatobursts.Itwastoomuch.Josh’skiss,thewayhestretchedmeout,thesensitivityfromtheedgingsession…
Myorgasmslammedintome,bothunexpectedandinevitable.Ibowedoffthebedwithasharpcry,andIdidn’tgetachancetorecoverbeforeJoshpickedupthepaceandpoundedintomehardenoughforasecondorgasmtorollrightintothefirstone.
“That’sit.Screamforme,Red.Letitallout.”Joshreachedbetweenusandpressedhisthumbagainstmyneedy,swollenclit.“Youcomesobeautifullyaroundmycock.”
Idid,againandagainuntilIwaslimpwithexhaustionandcouldn’tscreamanymore.
ItwasonlywhenIcollapsedagainstthebed,mybodysorefrommultipleblinding,toe-curlingorgasms,thatheslowedhispaceagainandcamewithaheavygroan.
“Goodgirl.”Hesmoothedmyhairbackfrommyforeheadandgavemealingeringkiss.“Youdidsowell.”
Itwasembarrassinghowmuchprideglowedinmychestathiswords.
Herolledtothesideofmeandcurledanarmaroundmyshoulders,drawingmeclose.Goosebumpsofpleasuredottedmyskinwhenhebrushedthebackofhishanddownmyarminalazypattern.
“Youknow,you’rethefirstguyI’vebeenwithinmyroom.”DrowsycontentpulledtheadmissionoutofmeasIsnuggleddeeperintohisside.
I’dnevertrulycuddledaftersex.IthoughtIwoulddespiseit,butclearly,I’dbeenmissingout.
Josh’shandstilledbeforeheresumedcaressingmyarm.“Firstandlast,Red.”
Ilaughedathissoftgrowl.“Possessivemuch?”
“DamnrightIam.”Hemovedhishanduptocupmyneck.Thefirm,territorialtouchsentanotherthrilldownmyspine.“Idon’tlikesharing.”
“Sharingisavirtue,Josh.”
“Idon’tgiveaflyingfuck.Idon’tshare.Notwhenitcomestoyou.”
Mybreathhitched.Goldenwarmthspreadthroughmychestandlitmeupfromtheinsideout.
Ididn’tknowhowtorespond,soIkissedhisshoulderandbaskedinthemomentinstead.
Ishouldgetoutofbed.Stellawascominghomesoon,andmyclotheswerestillscatteredinthelivingroom,butIcouldn’ttearmyselfawayjustyet.
Onemoreminute.ThenI’llgetup.
IburiedmyfaceinJosh’schest,soakinginhiswarmthandscent.BetweenMichaelandMax,ourliveswerestormsofchaos,butatleastwecouldfindtemporarypeaceinmomentslikethis.
“Thankyou,”hesaidquietly,breakingthesilence.“Forbeinghere.Ineededthis.”
“Anytime.”Iliftedmyhead,mychestpinchingatthetouchofvulnerabilityinhiseyes.“Butifyoupullanotheredgingstunt,I’llchopyourdickoff.”
Josh’sfacebrokeoutintoadazzlinggrin.“I’dbelieveyoumoreifyouhadn’tcomesohardarounditmultipletimes,Red.”
Iturnedmynoseup,mycheeksheating.“Iwasfakingit.”
“Hmmm.”Heleaneddownandnuzzledmyneck.“Icantellwhensomethingisrealorfake.Yourorgasmswerereal.”Hegrazedhisnoseoverthelineofmyjawbeforecapturingmymouthinasoftkiss.“Andsoisthis.”
Theachespreadfrommychesttobehindmyeyesandnose.
Ididn’ttrustmyselftospeak,soIturnedmyheadawayuntilIgatheredmyemotions.
Ididn’tmakeahabitoftrustingmanypeople.IcouldcountthenumberofpeopleItrulytrustedononehand,andIneverthoughtJoshwouldbeoneofthem.Butlifehadawayofblindsidingus,andforonce,Ididn’tmind.
JoshandIstayedentwinedincomfortablesilenceuntiltheclocktickedtowardthehalfhourandhereluctantlypulledaway.
“I’mgonnahopintheshower,”hesaid.“Stella’scominghomesoon,right?”
“Yeah.”Isighed.IlovedStella,butinthatmoment,IwishedIlivedalone.
Joshgavemeonelastkissbeforeheclimbedoutofthebedandslippedoutoftheroom.Aminutelater,thefaintsoundoftheshowerrunningfilteredthroughthedoor.
Hisscentlingeredeveninhisabsence,andIwishedIcouldbottleitupsoIcouldcarryitaroundwithmeallday.
Ifpastmesawpresentme,shewould’veslappedmeforbeingsosappy.Butitfeltgoodtotrustsomeoneenoughtorelyonthem,andtohavethemtrustyouenoughtoturntoyouwhentheywerehavingabadday.
Istaredattheceiling,unabletosuppressagoofysmile.
Imight’velainthereallafternoon,oratleastuntilJoshgotoutoftheshower,hadanincomingcallnotinterruptedmycheesyinnerramblings.
“Hello,Jules.”
Itwasamazinghowquicklytwosimplewordscouldturnthemood.
Aleadspikepuncturedtheballoonofgiddinessinmychest,andcoldsweatslickedmypalmsatthesoundofMax’svoice.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Theshowerwasstillrunning,butIsnuckapeekatthehalf-openbedroomdooranywayincaseJoshmagicallypoppedupagain.
“It’sfunnyyoushouldask,”Maxsaid.“I’vejustdecidedonthefavorIneedfromyou.Isn’tthatwonderful?You’vebeenso…eagertofindoutwhatitis.”
Dreadformedaleadweightinmystomach.“Spititout,Max,”Igrowled.“Idon’thavetimeforyourgames.”
Hesighed.“Where’sthepatience,J?Butfine,sinceyouwanttoknowsobad,I’lltellyou.Ineedyoutoretrievesomethingforme.Ihavesome…friendsinOhiowhoareveryinterestedinthisitem.”
Retrieve,AKAsteal.
Theleadweightsmultiplied.“Andwhatisthissomething?”
“I’lltextyouthepictureandaddress.”IcouldpracticallyseeMax’ssmugsmile.“Ittookmeawhiletotrackitdown.You’rewelcome,bytheway,fordoingthehardwork.Allyouhavetodoiswhatyoudobest.Lieandsteal.”
MaxhungupbeforeIcouldreply.
Thatgoddamnasshole.IfIeverhadthechance,Iwouldchopoffhisdickandfeedittohim.
Unfortunately,Icouldn’tdoadamnthingaslongashehadthatvideoofme,soIstaredatmyphoneandwaitedforhistexttopopup.
Onceitdid,IhadtoblinktwicetomakesureIwasseeingcorrectly.
Itcan’tbe.ButnomatterhowmuchIstared,theimageremainedthesame.
Mybloodicedover.
Itwasapictureofapainting.Brownandgreensplashedacrossthecanvasinawaythatwasreminiscentofvomit,andtinyyellowspotsaddednonsensicaldetailontheedges.
Theartwashideous,butthatdidn’tbothermeasmuchaswhereI’dseenitbefore.
TheitemMaxwantedmetostealwasthepaintinginJosh’sroom.41JULES
“Youokay,hun?”Barbseyedmewithconcern.“You’vebeenunusuallyquietallday.”
“Yep.Juststressedaboutthebar.”Iforcedasmileandrefilledmycoffeemug.Ishouldn’tbedrinkingcaffeinethislateintheday,butIwouldn’tbeabletosleepregardless.Max’sdirectivetostealJosh’spaintinghadkeptmeupeverynightsinceIreceivedhistextthreedaysago.
“I’msureyou’lldogreat.”BarbsopenedthefridgeandhandedmeaSaran-wrappedplateofapplepie.“Here.Piealwaysmakesthingsbetter.”
Mysmilewasmoregenuinethistime.“Thanks,Barbs.”
“Anytime,hun.”Barbswinkedandleft,hermugofbelovedEarlGreyteainhand.
Isippedmycoffeeandgrimacedatthebittertaste.Ilovedalotofthingsabouttheclinic,butitscoffeewasn’toneofthem.
WhileIchokeddownthedrink,IstaredatmydarkphoneandwaitedforittolightupwithanothertextfromMax.Itneverdid.
He’dbeenclear.IhadoneweektostealJosh’spaintingoritwasgameoverforme.
Threedayshadalreadypassed,whichmeantIhadfourdaysleft.
Mynextsipwentdownthewrongpipe.Ieruptedintoafitofcoughs,shakingsohardsomeoftheliquidsplashedoutofmycupandscaldedmyhand.
“Fuck!”Iwheezed.Iplacedtheremainingcoffeeonthecounterandranmyhandundercoldwater,allwhilecoughingmylungsout.
“Everythingokay?”
IjumpedatthesoundofJosh’svoicebehindme.Iknockedoverthemugintheprocessandspilledtherestofmydrinkdownthefrontofmydress.
“Fuck!”Irepeated,moreemphaticallythistime.
Ireachedforthepapertowels,butJoshbeatmetoit.HeyankedahandfuloffthedispenserandmoppedupthecoffeerunningdownmylegwhileItriedtosalvagemyruinedoutfit.
Itwasn’thappening.Thestainhadalreadysettleddeepintothefibersandturnedasubstantialportionoftheblueskirtadeep,uglyshadeofbrown.Ifinallygaveupandtossedthepapertowelintothetrashwithasmallscreamoffrustration.
“Iguessthatansweredmyquestion.”Josheyedmewithconcernandthetiniesthintofamusement.“Badday?”
“How’dyouguess?”
“Mydeductivepowersareoneofmymanyimpressivetalents,”hequipped.“Coffeespillaside,you’vebeendistractedallday.”
“Stressedaboutthebar.”Imumbledmygo-toexcuse.Tobefair,Iwasstressedabouttheexam.Itjustwasn’tmymainstressor.
Mystomachcrampedwithguilt.
I’dspentthepastthreedaysbrainstormingoverhowtoextricatemyselffrommyMaxdilemma,butIcouldn’tthinkofafeasiblesolutionthatdidn’tinvolverevealingthetruthaboutmypast.
Perhapsmyfriendswouldn’tjudgeme,butIwasterrifiedofhowJoshwouldreact.Foryears,he’dthoughtIwasahorribleperson,oratleastahorribleinfluence.ThelastthingIwantedwastoprovehisinitialimpressionsofmerightwhenwewerefinallymakingprogressinourrelationship.
“Well,ifyouneedastudypartner,Ihappentoknowadevastatinglyhandsomeandintelligentone.”Joshpaused.“I’mtalkingaboutmyself,bytheway.”
Despitemytension,asmalllaughrustledmythroat.“Ofcourseyouare.Iappreciatetheoffer,butyou’lldistractmorethanyouhelp.”
“Understandable.Mylookshavedistractedmanyastudent.It’soneofthepitfallsofhavingthis,I’mafraid.”Hewavedahandinfrontofhisadmittedlyspectacularface.
“Itisuniquelyhideous.”Ipattedhisshoulder.“Don’tworry,I’msuretheyweren’tjudging.Peoplearemuchmoreopen-mindedthesedays.”
Hischucklesettledonmyskinlikearichvelvetblanket.“God,Iwanttofuckyousobadrightnow.”
Iwasn’taprudebyanymeans,butheatcascadeddownmyneckathearinghimstatethatsodirectlyinthemiddleoftheclinickitchen.
“Josh.”
“Yes?”Heliftedoneeyebrow.“Youneedtogetoutofthatdresssoonanyway.Whatbetter—”
“AmIinterruptingsomething?”Ellie’svoicecutintoourconversation.
Wehadn’tevennoticedherarrival.
Iimmediatelysteppedbackandwincedwhenthehardkitchencounterdugintomylowerspine.
“IwashelpingJuleswithherspill.”Hegesturedatmydresswithoutmissingabeat.Hisfeatureswereamaskofprofessionalcivility,butthedevilishgleaminhiseyesremained.
“Oh,wow,thatsucks.”Elliewrinkledhernose.“Ihopeit’snotanewdress.”
“It’snot.Hotdate?”Iquicklyswitchedsubjects.
Theofficeclosedintenminutes,andElliehadalreadychangedoutofherbusiness-appropriateblazerandpantsintoadressandheels.
Pinkstainedhercheeks.“I’m,ah,goingtothemovieswithMarshall.”
Ihidasmile.She’dfinallygottenoverhercrushonJoshandswitchedherattentiontoMarshall.Iwasn’tsurewhethermyandMarshall’skissspurredthatalong—wealwaysfoundpeoplemoredesirablewhenotherpeoplefoundthemdesirable—butIwashappytoseeshe’dmovedon.
Forentirelyunselfishreasons,ofcourse.
“Speakingofwhich,Ishouldheadout.Ijustcametograbmycharger.Leftithereduringlunch.Goodnight!”Elliepluckedherphonechargerfromtheoutletnearthemicrowaveandrushedoff.
“Weshouldheadouttoo,butatdifferenttimessopeopledon’tgetsuspicious.”Josh’seyessparkledwithplayfulness.“Meetyouonourcornerintwenty.”
“Wedon’thaveacorner,”Ipointedout.
“Wedonow.”Josh’sdimplemadeagloriousappearance.“Twenty-thirdandMayberry.Twentyminutes,Red.Bethere.”
HeleftbeforeIcouldargue.
Ishookmyhead,butIclosedoutmydeskwithdeliberateslownessuntiltheofficeemptiedandBarbsandIweretheonlypeopleleft.
“C’mon,hun,I’mnotgettinganyyounger.”Shemotionedmeoutthedoorwithanimpatienthand.“Andyou’retooyoungtospendaminutelongerintheofficethanyouhaveto.”
“YoualwaystellmewhatIwanttohear.”
“That’swhatI’mherefor.”Shewaved.“Goodnight.”
“Night.”
IttookmeonlyfiveminutestowalktoTwenty-ThirdandMayberry.Aspromised,Joshwaitedformeonthecorner.Heleanedagainstthelightpolewithhishandstuckedinhispockets,buthetappedhiswatchwhenhesawme.
“Nineteenminutes.Almostlate,Red.”
“GoodthingIwasn’t,”Isaid,toodistractedtocomeupwithawittyresponse.AllIcouldfocusonwashowtobringuphispaintingwithoutarousingsuspicion.
MaybeIcouldconvincehimtogetridofit?Itwasstilldeception,becauseIknewthepaintingwasvaluableandhedidn’t,butitwasbetterthanstealingfromhim.
“So,Iwasshoppingonlinetheotherdayandcameacrosssomeniceart,”Isaidcasually.“Betterthanthatmonstrosityyouhaveinyourbedroom.”
“Monstrosity?”Joshplacedahandoverhisheart.“Red,I’moffended.Thatpaintingistheepitomeoftaste.IbetitwouldfetchaprettypennyifIputitupforauction.”
Ifonlyheknewhowrighthewas.
“Andyet,youboughtitforcheapatanestatesale.”Iforcedmyselftoinjectlightheartedsnarkintomytone.“SoexcusemeifIdon’tbelieveyou.”
“Noteveryoneknowsthevalueofwhattheythrowaway.”Joshwrappedanarmaroundmywaist.“Oneday,you’llgrowtoloveitasmuchasIdo.”
Myheartbeatdrownedouttheechoofourfootsteps.“Youdon’treallyloveit,doyou?”
Hegavemeastrangelook.“NotinthesensethatI’llrunintoaburningbuildingtosaveit,butIhaveasoftspotforit.Remindsmeofartcamp.”
Surprisecoastedthroughme.“Youwenttoartcamp?”
“Yeah,foronesummerwhenIwaseight.”Joshwinced.“Figuredoutthatartis,uh,notmystrongestsuit,soIswitchedtobasketball.”
“Wow.”Suddenly,itallmadesense.“Nowonderyouloveterribleart.Itremindsyouofyou!”
IlaughedwhenJoshslappedmyassinretaliation.
“Ican’tbelieveyouadmittedyou’renotthebestatsomething,”Isaidaswearrivedathishouse.“Remindmetomarkitdowninmycalendar.It’strulyahistoricmoment.”
“Funny.”Heunlockedthefrontdoorandwaitedformetoenterfirstbeforefollowingmeinside.“Don’tspreaditaroundbecauseIdon’tletjustanyoneseemyweaknesses.Mylackofartistictalentisaverysensitivetopic.”
“Isthatso?”Ismileddespitemyself.“Ifeelspecial.”
“Youshould.Eventhoughyoucanbefuckingexasperatingandapaininmyass—”
Mysmiledisappeared.“Hey!”
“You’reoneofthefewpeopleItrust.”Hisfacesoftenedasheloopedhisarmsaroundmywaistandpulledmecloser.“NeverthoughtI’dsaythat,consideringourhistory.Butevenwhenwecouldn’tstandeachother,Icouldalwayscountonyoutobehonestwithme.AfterwhathappenedwithMichaelandAlex…”Histhroatbobbedwithahardswallow.“Thatmeansmorethanyouknow.”
Ourearlierlightheartednessgrewheavywithpoignance.
OhGod.
“I…”Guiltrockedmystomachlikestorm-tossedwaves.Tellhim.“Josh,I…”
I’mbeingblackmailedbymyex.IhaveasextapewhereIletsomerandomguydoobscenethingstomesothatsaidexcouldstealfromhim.I’mathiefandaliarandyouwererightaboutmeallalong.
Thewordssatonthetipofmytonguebutrefusedtoleave.Iwasn’thidingsomesmallsecret.Iusedtobeacriminal,andIhadasextapewithavirtualstranger.
Iwouldn’tblameJoshifhewalkedawayafterfindingout.
Mychestcrampedatthethought.
“Youknowme,”Ifinallymanaged.“Honesttoafault.”IsummonedwhatIhopedwasapassableimitationofasmile.
“Emphasisonfault,”Joshteased.“It’sokay.Wecan’tallbeasperfectasIam.”
Hebrushedhismouthoverminebeforehecuppedthebackofmyneckanddeepenedthekiss.
Ikissedhimback,tryingtoengraveeverydetailinmymind.
Thewarmwhiskeytasteofhislips.Thefirmnessofhistouch.Hisclean,intoxicatingscentandthewayhismusclesmoldedagainstmybody.
Icherishedthekisslikeitwasourlast,becausedependingonhowthenextfewdaysplayedout,itmightjustbe42JULES
IbrokeintoJosh’shousefourdayslater.
Okay,breakinmightbetoostrongaphrase,sinceIknewwherehekepthissparekey,buthedidn’tknowIwasenteringhishousewhilehewasatwork.Plus,Ihadtomakeitlooklikeabreak-in.
Afteraweekoftossing,turningandagonizing,Ifinallyhadaplan.Notagreatone,sinceitdependedonluckandsomeoneIbarelyknewtohelpme,butI’dcrossthosebridgeswhenIgotthere.
First,IhadtostealthepaintingandgetMaxoffmybackbeforehisdeadline.Then,Icouldworkonremovingtheholdhehadonme,AKAgetridofthesextape.
MypulsedrummedinmyearsasIsiftedthroughthepottedplantonJosh’sporch.Hehadanightshiftandwouldn’tbehomeuntilmorning,butthatdidn’tstopmefromfreezingeverytimeatwigsnappedoracarpassed.
Afterseveralminutesofsearchinginthedark—Ididn’twanttoalerthisneighborsbyturningonmyphone’sflashlight—Ispottedthepalesilvergleamofhissparekey.IlooselyrepottedthesoilbeforeIunlockedthefrontdoorandslippedintothesilenthouse.
ItwasmoremenacingintheabsenceofJosh’swarmth.Everyshadowwasahidingplaceformonsters,eachcreakagunshotthatflayedmyalreadyshreddednerves.
SweatstuckmyknitcapagainstmyforeheadasIwalkedthroughthelivingroomandintohisbedroom.Luckily,hisroomwasn’tTheLouvreandthepaintingwasn’ttheMonaLisa.AllIhadtodowasunhooktheartfromitspegandslideitintomyoversizeportfoliobag
Nowailingalarms,nosecurityburstingthroughthedoorwiththeirgunsdrawn.
Itwassoeasyitwasalmostsickening.
Whensomeonetrustedyou,youdidn’thavetoworkthathardtoslippasttheirdefenses.
GuiltswirledinmychestasIsearchedJosh’sroomforotheritemstopilfer.ItwouldbetoosuspiciousifIstoleonlythepainting.
Icouldn’tbringmyselftotakehislaptop,butIsnatchedoneofhissparewatches,thesmallwadofemergencycashhestashedinthebackofhissockdrawer,andhisiPad.I’dkeepthemsafeuntilIreturnedthemaftermyplan,hopefully,worked.
Iwasintheprocessofmessinguphisroomandopeningallthedrawerswhenmyphonebuzzedwithanewtext.
Ibangedmyhipagainstthesharpedgeofthedresserinsurprise.“Shit.”
Ishould’vesilencedmyphone.Itwasasloppy,amateurmistake,andIsilentlycursedmyselfasIopenedthemessage.
Stella:Kangarooorkoala?
Itwasthecodequestionweusedtomakesuretheotherwasokay.Weweretheonlyoneswhoknewthenonsensicalanswer,sonoonecouldpretendtobeusovertextincasewewerekidnappedorsomething.
Itypedoutaquickreply.
Jules:PinkStarburst.
StellaandIalwaysinformedeachotherifwewerestayingoutlaterthanusual.Screwwaitinguntilyourroommatewasmissingfortwenty-fourhoursbeforeraisingthealarm;ifsomeonefuckedwithoneofus,theotherwouldknowalmostimmediately.
Ijusthadn’texpectedStellatobehomesoearly.Shetoldmeshehadaworkevent,andthoseusuallyranuntilmidnight.
Stella:??Hotdate?
Stella:Oneofthesedays,you’lltellmewhoMysteryGuyis
SheknewIwasdatingsomeone;shejustdidn’tknowwho.
IstaredathertextsforasecondbeforeIshovedmyphonebackintomypocket.Ididn’thavetimetogetintoaconversationaboutJosh.IfIdidn’tpulloffmyplan,therewouldn’tbeanythingtotell,becausewewouldbeover.
Familiarnauseatwistedmystomach.
“Stopit,”Iwhispered.“Theplanwillwork.”
Theplanwillwork.Theplanwillwork.
IchantedthesilentmantraasIfinishedsettingupthefake-but-not-really-fakeburglary.Ileftthefrontdoorunlocked,replantedthesparekeyinthepot,andhopedlikehellrealburglarswouldn’tshowupbeforeJoshcamehome.
SincehelivednearThayer,hisneighborhoodwaseerilyquietduringthesummer.Noraucoushouseparties,nochatterfromstudentsheadingtoandfromoneofthecampusbars,noonetostopmeasIstrolleddownthestreetwithmyloot.
Thelogicalpartofmeknewtherewasnothingovertlysuspiciousaboutawomanwalkingaroundatnightwithaportfoliobag.TheparanoidpartofmewasconvincedthebagservedasaneonsignannouncingtotheworldwhataterriblepersonIwas.
Liar!Thief!Donottrusther!itscreamed.
Great.NowIwashearingvoicesfrominanimateobjects.
ItightenedmyholdonmybagandquickenedmypaceuntilIreachedthemetrostation,whereIpulledoutmyphoneagaintoupdateMax.
Me:Ihaveit.
Me:I’lldropitoffnow.
Ididn’twanttoholdontothepaintinganylongerthanIhadto.
Max:It’salmostelevenatnight.Where’syoursenseofpropriety?
Max:Unless,ofcourse,you’dliketogivemesomethingelse…
Igaggedatthesuggestion.IwasalreadygrossedoutbythefactIusedtohavesexwithhim.Iwouldrathersetmyselfonfirethanlethimtouchmeagain.
Me:Givemeanaddress,Max.
Me:OrI’mthrowingthepaintinginthePotomac.
Obviously,Iwouldn’t,butI’dtakeanychancetofuckwithhim.
Max:You’renofunanymore,J.
Despitehiscomplaint,hefollowedupwithanaddress.AquickGooglesearchtoldmeitwasahotelnearNoMa.
Heconsideredmesuchanegligiblethreathedidn’tbothertohidewherehewasstaying.Iwasn’tsurewhethertoberelievedoroffended.
WhenIarrivedatthehotel,thereceptionistdidn’tsparemeaglanceasIwalkedthroughthelobbyandtooktheelevatoruptotheninthfloor.
Iwasn’tsurprisedbythelackofsecurity.Theplacewasn’texactlytheRitz-Carlton.Sectionsofwallpapercurledawayfromtheplasterinyellowingstripes,thecarpetwassothinIcouldfeelthewoodenfloorsbeneath,andthehallstankofcigarettesmoke.
MystepsfalteredoutsideMax’sroom.Meetinghiminthemiddleofthenightinsomesketchyhotelwasn’tthesmartestidea.He’dalwaysdisdainedphysicalviolenceanddeemedita“lower”formofmanipulation,butit’dbeensevenyears.Apersoncouldchangealotinsevenyears,especiallyifthey’dspentmostofitinprison.
RightasIwasabouttoleaveandtexthimanexcuseforwhyIcouldn’tmakeittonightafterall,hisdooropened.
“Jules.”Maxsmiled,lookingfreakishlynormalinawhitecottonT-shirtandjeans.“Ithoughtthatwasyou.”Herappedhisknucklesagainstthewall.“Thinwalls.Iheardyourfootstepsfromamileaway.”
“Congratulations.”Ishovedtheportfoliobagathim.I’dstoredtherestofJosh’sitemsinaseparatepurse,whichIkepttuckedinsidemyjacket.“Here’syourstupidpainting.”
“Righthereinthehall?”Hecluckedhistongue.“Nomanners.Whatifsomeoneseesus?”
“I’mprettysurewecoulddoadrugdealinthelobbyandnoonewouldblinkaneye.”
“Therearebenefitstostayinginahotelsuchasthisone.”Nevertheless,Maxsteppedbackintohisroom,outofthelineofsightofanyonewalkingdownthehall,beforehepulledoutthepainting.Heexamineditwithasmallgrimace.“Thisistrulyhideous.”
“Thengiveitback.”Itwasworthatry.
Maxchuckled.“Gladtoseeyou’vekeptyoursenseofhumor.No.”Hetuckedtheartbackintothebag.“Thisbabyisworthalotofmoney.”
“Fine.Nowyouhaveit,”Isaidcurtly.“Iassumeyou’llbeleavingsoon.”
Iheldmybreathwhilehestaredatme,hopinghe’dtakethebaitandtellmewhenheplannedtoleave.IneededtoknowhowmuchtimeIhadtoimplementthesecondpartofmyplan.
“Don’tworry.I’llbeoutofyourhairbythisweekend,”hedrawled.“Whichisn’ttosayIwon’tcontactyouagaininthefutureifImissyou.Wehadsuchfuntimestogether.”
Ibitbackascathingretort.ThelongerIstayed,themorelikelyI’dslipup.Besides,Ididn’twanttogiveMaxthesatisfactionofgettingariseoutofme.
Iturnedonmyheelandstalkedtotheelevatorwithoutreplying.Imadeitbacktothemetrowithoutincident,andreliefcooledmyveinsasthetrainwhooshedthroughthetunneltowardLoganCircle.
Phaseone,complete.
Itwastoolatetoinitiatephasetwo,soIwentstraighttomyroomwhenIreturnedhome.Thankfully,Stellawasalreadyasleep,soIdidn’thavetoansweranyquestionsaboutwhereI’dbeen.
Istrippedoffmyclothesandjumpedintotheshower,lettingthehotwaterwashawaythestickyfilmofguiltonmyskin.
Itwaspastmidnight.Maxhadthepainting,andJoshwouldbehomeinlessthansevenhours.
Therewasnogoingback.
Thick,steamyaircloggedmynostrilswitheachshallowbreathwhenIpicturedJosh’sreactiontothe“break-in.”
No.It’sfine.I’mgoingtoreturntheitems,includingthepainting.
Maybe.Hopefully.
MymindracedasIranthroughmyscriptstomorrow,bothforJoshwhenheinevitablytellsmeabouttheburglaryandforthepersonwhosehelpIneeded.
Myplanwassimple,butithingedhalfonrealityandhalfonhope.
Itwouldwork,though.Ithadtowork.
Therewasnootheroption.43JOSH
Somethingwaswrong.
MyhouselookedthesameasithadwhenIleftlastnight—curtainsdrawn,therowofplantsontheporchlinedupneatlyagainstthewall—butthehairsonthebackofmyneckprickedupnonetheless.
Iscannedthesurroundingarea,mysensesonhighalert.Ididn’tspyanyonelurkinginthebushesorpointingasniperrifleatmethroughaneighbor’swindow,soIinchedtowardtheporchwithcaution.
Insteadofusingmykey,Itwistedthedoorknobandwasonlyhalfsurprisedwhenitopenedwithoutresistance.
Itconfirmedwhatmygutalreadyknew:someonebrokeintomyfuckinghouse.
Ipushedthedooropenalltheway.Myheartbangedagainstmychest,moreoutofangerthanalarm.Idoubtedtheburglarwasstillhere.Mostthievesbrokeinduringthedaywhenpeoplewereatwork.Iftheycameatnight,theymust’vebeenwatchingme.TheyknewIworkedthenightshiftsometimes.
Myskincrawledattheviolation.Theideathatsomeonehadbeenwatchingmeandplanningfortherightmomenttobreakintomyhousemademesick,butthiswasn’tthetimetodwellonthat.
First,Ineededtofigureoutwhatthehelltheystole.
Logictookover,andIcalled911beforeIdidaquicksearchformissinghigh-valueitems.MyTVwasstillthere,asweremyPlayStationandthesignedMichaelJordanbasketballAvagiftedmeformytwenty-thirdbirthday.Thehouseappeareduntouched.
I’dalmostconvincedmyselfIwasbeingparanoidandmerelyforgottolockthefrontdoor…untilIenteredmyroom.
“Motherfucker.”
Clothesspilledoutofmyransackeddrawers,bottlesscatteredhalf-crackedonthedresser,andtherewasaglaringlyemptyspotonthewallwheremypaintingoncehung.Theburglarhaddestroyedmyroom.
Hazelburgwasoneofthesafesttownsinthecountry,whichwaswhyIhadn’tbotheredtoinstallasecuritysystem.WhichcosmicforcedidIpissoffforthisshittohappen?
AngerrushedbackinablindingwaveasItookanotherinventoryofmybelongings.Surprisingly,mylaptopwasstillthere,butmypainting,emergencycash,iPad,andwatchweregone.Nothingtoovaluable,butstill.
Thefactthatsomeonehadcomeintomyroomandrifledthroughmybelongingswithoutmyconsentmademypulsespike.
Ineededastrongdrinkandanice,longsessionwithapunchingbagtoalleviatemyfury,butIhadtowaitforthepolicetoarrivefirst.
Whentheydid,oneofthemswepttheroomforevidencewhileanothertookmystatement.AfrowncreasedhisfaceafterIlistedthemissingitems.
“Sotheburglarstolefouritemsworthacouplehundreddollarscombinedandleftyourlaptop?”Hiswordsweighedheavywithskepticism.
Ididn’tblamehim.Ididn’tfuckingunderstanditeither.
“Maybesomethingspookedthemandtheyleftbeforetheycouldgrabit.”ItwastheonlyexplanationIcouldthinkof.
“Hmmm.”Theofficer’sfrowndeepened.“Okay.We’lldoourbesttofindtheperpetratorandrecoveryouritems,butIwanttosettherightexpectations.Onlythirteenpercentofburglarycasesareeversolved.”
ThatwaswhatIfigured,butitsoundedlikehe’dgivenuponthecasebeforehestarted.
“Iunderstand.”Iforcedatightsmile.“Iappreciateanyhelpyoucangive,Officer.”
Thepoliceleftsoonafterwithnoleads,takingmyhopesofrecoveringtheitemswiththem.Inaweek,mycasewouldbesittingatthebottomoftheirto-dolist,collectingdust.
Somehow,thedaygotshittierandshittier.
IwalkedintothekitchenandcrackedopenabottleofvodkawhileIdialedJules.Therewasnothingshecoulddo,butIneededsomeonetotalkto,andshewasthefirstpersonthatpoppedintomymind.
“Hey,what’sup?”
Mymusclesloosenedasmidgeatthesoundofhervoice.
“Someonebrokeintomyfuckinghouse.”Ipouredthevodkaintoaglassandtossedthedrinkback.Itscoldburndousedsomeoftheflamesofmyanger.“Stoleabunchofshit.Thepolicejustleftandsaidthey’lllookintoit,butthefuckerwhodidthisisprobablyinanotherstatebynow.”
Jules’saudibleinhalecutacrosstheline.“OhmyGod.”
“Yeah.”IplacedtheemptyglassinthesinkandputheronspeakerwhileIreturnedtomyroom.Nowthatthepolicehadclearedthescene,Ineededtocleanupthemesstheburglarleft.“Luckyyou,theytookthepaintingyouhatedsomuch.”Itriedtolightenthemood.“Youhiresomeonetobreakintomyplace,Red?Becauseifyoureallywantedtogetridoftheart,youcould’vejustasked.Iwould’vethrownitawayforyou.”
“Funny.”Herlaughsoundedforced,ormaybethatwasmylackofsleeptalking.”Doyouwantmetocomeover?”
“Nah.”Iwantedtoseeher,butshehadenoughgoingonwithoutdealingwithmyshit.“Finishstudying.I’llswingbylaterifyouneedabreak.”
Ididn’thavetoclockinformynextshiftuntillateafternoon.
“Soundsgood.”Therewasastrangecatchinhervoice.“Josh,I…I’msorrythishappenedtoyou.”
“It’sfine.Imean,itsucks,butinthegrandschemeofthings,itcould’vebeenworse.AtleastI’malive.”
“Yeah,”Julessaidquietly.“Mypreplessonstartssoon,butwe’lltalklater?”
“Yep.Il—”Ifrozeatthewordthatalmostslippedoutofmymouth.“Let’sdothat,”Ifinishedlamely.
Ihungup,myheartrattlingwithpanic.
What.The.Fuck?
Maybeitwasthealcohol,butIalmostsaidthethreewordsI’davoidedsayingmyentirelife.WordsIneverthoughtI’dsaytoJules.Butinthemoment,they’dfeltsonaturaltheyalmostescapedwithoutmerealizingit.
Theyweren’ttheresultofsudden,blindingclaritythewaytheywereinmovies.There’dbeennomeaningfuleyecontactattheendofadeepconversation,nospecialkissattheendofamagicaldate.
Instead,theyweretheculminationofamillionsmallmoments—thewayJulestriedtodistractmewithherfishpropagandadeclarationduringFindingNemo,herquietsympathywhenItoldheraboutmypatient’sdeath,thewayshetastedandfitagainstmelikeshewasthelastpieceinthejigsawpuzzleofmylife.
Somehow,she’dgonefromthelastpersonIwantedtobearoundtothefirstpersonIturnedtowhenIneededcomfortorjustsomeonetotalkto.
IwishedIcouldsayIdidn’tknowhowIendeduphere,butI’dbeenonaslow,steadymarchtowardthismomentsinceourfirstkiss.Hell,maybeevenbeforethat,withVermontandourclinictruce.
I’djustbeentooblindtonoticethedestinationinmyGPShadchanged.
Tenminutesago,theburglaryhadconsumedmythoughts;now,itwasbarelyabliponmyradar.
Ihadamuchbiggerproblemtodealwith.
Thisisastrictlyphysicalarrangement.
Nofallinginlove.
Red,you’llfallinlovewithmebeforeIeverfallinlovewithyou.
Thebanginginmychestintensified.
“Oh,fuck.”44JULES
Mybreakfastroseinmythroat,andIhadtomakeaconsciousefforttoforceitbackdownwhenIhungupJosh’scall.
IfeltfakerthanaMonaLisaprinthanginginthelobbyofaseedymotel.
Youhiresomeonetobreakintomyplace,Red?Becauseifyou’dreallywantedtogetridoftheart,youcould’vejustasked.Iwould’vethrownitawayforyou.
Iwipedaclammypalmagainstmythigh.
Stellahadalreadyleftforwork,soitwasjustmeandmyscreamingconscience.
You’realiarandaterribleperson.Joshwasrightaboutyouallalong,theinsidiousvoiceinmyheadtaunted.You’retheworstthingthat’severhappenedtohim.
“Shutup.”
Thisiswhyeveryonealwaysleavesyou.Whynoonelovesyou.Youdon’tdeserve—
“Shut.Up.”
Ipacedthelivingroom,tryingtodrownouttheinsecuritiesrearingtheiruglyheads.
Iwasn’tabadperson.Sometimes,Imadebaddecisions,butthatdidn’tmakemeabadperson.Right?
Sweatstuckmyshirttomyskin.
“It’sfine.Ihaveaplan.I’mgoingtoreturneverythingtohim,andI’llgetridofMax.”Sayingthewordsoutloudeasedsomeofmynausea.
Ididn’thavetheluxuryofwallowingifIwantedtocarryouttherestofmyplan,soIallowedmyselffivemoresecondsofself-loathingbeforeIstraightenedmyshoulders,exitedmyapartment,andtooktheelevatoruponefloor
Itwastimeforphasetwo.
AslongasMaxhadthetape,hehadleverageoverme.Iwasn’tnaiveenoughtotrusthe’dgoawaynomatterhowmuchI“repaid”him.Theonlywaytogetridofhimforgoodwastogetridofthetape.Ididn’tknowifitwaspossibletodestroyeverycopyofadigitalfileforgood,butIwasdesperateenoughtotry.
TheonlyreasonIhadn’ttriedbeforewasbecauseIhadnocluehowtogoaboutdoingit,andIdidn’twanttoriskfailingandpissinghimoff.
Buttheothernight,asIlayawakestaringattheceilingofmyfancynewapartment,Irealizedtherewasonepersonwhomighthavethecomputerskillstopulloffmyplan:ChristianHarper,AKAmylandlord,AKARhys’soldboss.
IrememberedBridgetsayinghe’dtrackeddownthepersonwholeakedphotosofherandRhystothepresslastyear.Thatwasn’tquitethesameasdeletingavideothatcouldhavedozensofcopiesfloatingaroundincyberspace,butitwasworthashot.
Theelevatordoorspingedopen.
IwalkeddownthehalltoChristian’sfortress-likefrontdoorandrangthebell,prayinglikehellhewashome.I’donlyseenhimtwicesinceStellaandIsignedthelease—onceatBridget’swedding,whichhe’dattendedthankstohisconnectionwithRhys,andonceinpassinginthelobby.
IdroppedbyPam’sofficeyesterdayandharanguedheruntilsheconfirmedhewasintown.She’dmadesomesnarkyremarkalongthelinesofhow“Mr.Harperisn’tinterestedinthelikesofyou,”butIdidn’tcareifshethoughtIwantedtoseduceChristian.Shewasirrelevant.
Irangthedoorbellagain.Maxleftthisweekend.IfChristianwasn’there,Iwasscrewed.
Ihadaplan,butthatdidn’tmeanitwasagoodplan.Itreliedheavilyongoodluck,andIcouldonlyhopethegodstookpityonmeandthrewabonemyway.
IevenborrowedoneofStella’smanifestationcrystals,justincaseithelped.
Istaredatthecloseddoor.Comeon,comeon…
JustasIwasabouttoacceptdefeat,itopened,revealingglitteringambereyesandsculptedcheekbones.
Itwasonlyeightinthemorning,butChristianwasalreadydressedinanexquisitelytailoredsuit.Betweenthat,hisperfectlystyleddarkhair,andhisclean-shavenface,helookedlikehe’dalreadybeenatworkforhoursandclosedseveralmultimillion-dollardealsinthattime.
“Ms.Ambrose.”Hissmooth,decadentvoicefilledtheairwithitsrichness.“TowhatdoIowethispleasure?”Heflickedhisgazeovermyshoulderlikeheexpectedtoseesomeonebehindme.
Whenhedidn’t,ashadowofwhatlookedlikedisappointmentcrossedhisfacebeforeitdisappearedasquicklyasitcame.
“Goodmorning.I’dliketoaskafavor.”Igotstraighttothepoint.Everysecondcounted,andChristianHarperdidn’tseemlikethetypeofmanwhoenjoyedbeatingaroundthebush,anyway.
“Afavor.”Amusementshimmeredinhiseyeslikewhiskeyshotthroughwithfirelight.
“Yes.”Iliftedmychin,tryingtocontainmynerves.Irealizedtheironyofaskingforafavorwhenafavorwaswhatlandedmeinmycurrentpredicament,buttheuniversehadalwayshadacrappysenseofhumor.“YouhelpedBridgetandRhyswiththeir…problemlastyear,andIwouldbegratefulifyoucouldassistmeaswell.It’sa,um,digitalproblem,andyou’resupposedtobethebestofthebestwhenitcomestothosethings.”
Alittleflatteryneverhurt,right?
“IwasreturningafavorforRhys,notgrantingone.”Christianseemedunmovedbymycompliment.“Thequestionnow,ofcourse,iswhyIwouldassistyou.”Hissmile,thoughpolite,onlysharpenedtherazoredgeofhisquestion.
Ifaltered.“Because…you’reaniceperson?”
Hehadreducedmymonthlyrenttoafractionofitspricewithnostringsattached.Atleast,nonethatwecouldsee.
MaybeIshould’vefleshedoutmyplanmore.
Christian’ssmilefaded.“Yourbiggestmistake,Ms.Ambrose,wouldbeassumingI’maniceperson,”hesaidsoftly.
Ashiverofuneaseslithereddownmyspine.Still,Iforgedahead.Ihadnochoice.“Youdon’tneedtobeanicepersontohelpme.I’lloweyouone.”
Itwasarecklesspromise,consideringIknewnexttonothingabouthim.IcouldendupasbeholdentohimasIwastoMax.ButhewasfriendswithRhys,andRhyswasastand-upguy,sothathadtocountforsomething.Right?
“Rhyswasmytopemployee,aformerNavySEAL,andthefuturePrinceConsortofEldorra,”Christiansaid.“Whatcanyouofferme?”
“Professionallegaladvice?”
“Ihaveateamoflawyersonretainer.”
“Acustom-madethankyoucakefromCrumble&Bake?”
“Idon’teatdessert.”
Thatwasjustwrong.Whatkindofmonsterdidn’teatdessert?
Ichewedonmybottomlip,tryingtothinkofsomethingelse.“Myeternalgratitude?I’llsingyourpraisestoallmyfriends.”
Christiantippedhisheadtotheside,hisgazeassessing.
You’vegottobekiddingme.I’dmeantthatasajoke.
“Onefavorfromyouinexchangeforafavorfromme,”hesaid.“Tobedecidedupononafuturedateofmychoosing.”
Warinesscrawledintomystomach.ItsoundedsuspiciouslylikewhatMaxhadaskedofme,minusthewholecreepfactor.“Whatkindoffavor?”
IsweartoGod,ifChristianaskedmetosleepwithhim—
“Nothingsexualorillegal.”Hisreassurancedidn’teasemyanxiety.IhadashittyhistorywiththeFword.“That’smyoffer.Takeitorleaveit.”
Agreeingtoanopen-endedfavorwasadumbidea,butIdidn’thavetheluxuryoflong-termplanningwhenfacedwithashort-termemergency.Besides,ChristianwastheCEOofareputableorganization,notsomelow-lifecriminallikeMax.
IhopeIdon’tregretthis.
“I’lltakeit.”
AsatisfiedgleamenteredChristian’seyes.
Icouldn’tshaketheeeriesenseI’djuststruckadealwiththedevil.Butwhateverfavorhewantedinthefuturewouldbeworthdispellingtheblackcloudofthesextapesonceandforall.
Right?
“Excellent.”Heopenedthedoorwider.“Mynextmeetingisn’tuntileight-thirty.Youhaveelevenminutes.”
Ifollowedhimthroughhispenthouseandexplainedmysituation—thetapes,Max’sblackmailthreats,mydesiretoerasetherecordingsonceandforall.IomittedthepartwhereIusedtostealformoney;Christiandidn’tneedtoknow,andIdidn’thavetimetogetintoitanyway.
“Isee.”Hesoundedalmostboredbymydilemma.
Iwashalfannoyedthathedidn’tappreciatethegravityofthesituationandhalfhopefulthathiscalmresponsemeanthehadasolution.
Christiandidn’tspeakagainuntilwereachedhisprivatelibrary.Colorfulbooksfilledtwowallsoffloor-to-ceilingshelves,andwindowscarvedmassivenooksontheremainingwallsandbathedtheroominpiercingmorninglight.
Amanstoodinthemiddleoftheroom,dressedinasuitasexpensive-lookingasChristian’s.Annoyanceetcheddeeplinesinhisfaceashespokerapid-fireItalianintohisphone,buthehungupabruptlywhenhesawus.
“Dante,Itrusteverythingisallright,”Christiansaid,liketheothermanhadn’tsoundedlikehewasreadytomurdersomeoneinbroaddaylight.
Danteflashedatightsmile.“Yes,ofcourse.”Heslidhiseyestowardme,hiscuriosityawarmweightagainstmyskin.
HelookedalittleolderthanChristian,maybemidtolatethirties,butthatonlyaddedtohisphysicalappeal.Hewasn’tasclassicallygood-lookingasChristian,butheexudedaruggedmasculinitythatwouldmakemostwomenswoon.Thethickdarkhairandmuscledframedidn’thurt,either.
“Ididn’trealizeyouhadcompany,”IsaidtoChristian.Itseemedtooearlyforabusinessmeeting,butwhatdidIknow?Iwasn’taCEO.
“Iwasjustleaving.”Danteheldouthishand.SilvercufflinksengravedwithtinyV’sglintedonhisshirtsleeves.“DanteRusso.”
“JulesAmbrose.”
HegavemeacurtnodandslidanindecipherablelookatChristian.“We’llfinishourconversationlater.Mygrandfatherjustdied.”Hedeliveredthenewslikehewasannouncingatriptothegrocerystore.
Myeyesroundedwithshock,butChristiandidn’tevenblink.“Ofcourse.”
AfterDanteleft,Christianwalkedtothecomputerinthecornerandtypedsomething.Aminutelater,theprinterspitoutasheetofpaper,whichhehandedtomealongwithapen.
Hiscufflinksflashedinthelight,andIrealizedtheywereengravedwiththesameV’sastheonesDantewore.
“Signthis,andI’lltakecareofthetape.”
Iscannedthetext.“Youhaveacontractforfavors?”Itwasastandardagreementlistingthetermsofourdeal,butifIrenegedonit,Iwouldbeheldliablefor…IblinkedtomakesureIreaditcorrectly.“Twomilliondollars?You’vegottobejoking.”
“Idon’tjokeaboutbusiness,andanythingthatinvolvesmytimeandskillsisbusiness.”Christiannoddedatthepaper.“AsI’msureyou’reaware,Ms.Ambrose,contractsprotectbothparties.IfI’munabletofulfillmyendoftheagreement,thecontractisvoid.IfIrenegeonthedeal,Iamalsoliablefortwomilliondollars.It’sonlyfair.”
Yeah,excepttwomilwasadropinthebucketforhimwhereasitwasanimpossibilityforme.
“Thosearemyterms.Wehaven’tsignedanythingyet,soyoucanstillwalkaway.”Hegaveanelegantshrug.“Yourchoice.”
AfavorofhischoosingorIwouldowehimtwomilliondollars…
Myheadpoundedwithindecision.
Whatwerethechanceshewouldaskmetodosomethingreallyawful?Hesaidanythingsexualorillegalwasoffthetable.
Therewasafifty-fiftypercentchanceIwouldregretthis,butmydesiretogetridofMaxoverrodeeverythingelse.
Iscribbledmysignatureonthedesignatedlineandhandeditbacktohim.Christiansignedafterme,andthatwasthat.
Wewereofficiallyinbusiness.
“It’squitedifficulttoerasesomethingforeveronceit’sinthedigitalrealm,butit’snotimpossible,”Christiansaid.
Notforme.
Iheardhisimplicationloudandclear.
Someoftheanxietyinmystomachloosened.Ididn’tknowhimwell,butIknewChristianHarperwasdamngoodatwhathedid.Hehadn’tbuilttheworld’smostelitesecuritycompanyfromthegroundupbyslacking.
“Iwill,however,requireyourassistancewithonepartoftheplan.Icanhavemymendoit,butit’smucheasierthisway.”Christiansmiled.“Here’swhatyouneedtodo…”45JULES
IreturnedtoMax’shotelthenextafternoon.
Christian’sinstructionsweresimple,ifnoteasy,andtherewasnopointdraggingtheinevitableout.
Eithertheplanwouldwork,oritwouldn’t.
IknockedonMax’shoteldoor,intenselyawareofthemanhiddeninanalcoveattheendofthehall.Christianhadsentoneofhismentoaccompanyme.KagewouldwaitoutofsightuntilIenteredMax’sroom,afterwhichhecouldmonitorwhatwashappeningthroughtheniftycameradisguisedasanecklacependant.Apparently,hehadsomesortofdevicethatcoulddisablethedoor’skeycardscannerincasethesituationwithMaxturnednasty.
“Jules.”Maxgavemeagenialsmile,butsuspicionlurkedinhiseyes.“Ididn’texpecttoseeyouhereagain.Comebacktocollectonyour…benefits?”Hisgazedippedtomychest.
Myskincrawledbeneathhisleeringscrutiny,butIforcedmyselftoremainsemi-civilsoIcouldgetinsidehisroom.“No,butIhavesomethingimportanttotellyouaboutthepainting.”IglancedaroundthehalllikeIwasparanoidsomeonewouldhearus.“Let’stalkaboutitinside.”
Maxnarrowedhiseyes.Forasecond,Iwasafraidhe’ddenymyrequest,butafterseverallong,agonizingbeats,heopenedthedoorwiderformetoenter.
Isteppedinsideandscannedtheroom,searchingforhiscomputer.Ifhepackeditaway…
ReliefsettledintomyboneswhenIspottedtheopenlaptoponhisdesk.ThankGod.IfIdidn’tseeit,Kagewould’vehadtodistracthimsoIcouldsearchforit,butthismademyjobmucheasier.
“So,whatdoyouwanttotellme?”ImpatiencethreadedMax’svoicewhenIremainedsilent.
IturnedtofacehimwhileIedgedbackwardtowardhisdesk.“IthinkthepaintingIgaveyouisafraud.”Istuffedmyhandsinmysweatshirtpocketascasuallyaspossible.
MyfingersclosedaroundthetinygadgetChristiangaveme,andIletoutasmallcoughtohidethesoftbeepitmadewhenIpressedthepowerbutton.
ThedevicewasawirelesshackingtoolChristianhaddevelopedhimself.He’dexplainedhowitworked,butthetechnicaltermshadgonewayovermyhead.AllIknewwas,ithadtobewithinfivefeetofthehackingtarget,anditcouldn’tbeturnedonuntilitwasoritwouldattachtoadifferentnetwork.Orsomethinglikethat.
ItrustedChristianknewwhathewasdoing,soIfollowedhisinstructionstoateedespiteunderstandingonlyhalfofwhathesaid.
“Theoneyoustolefromyourboyfriend’splace?It’snot.”Maxsmiledatmyjerkofsurprise.“YouthoughtIdidn’tknowyouwerefuckingyourlittledoctorboytoy?IhadtocasehisplaceafterItrackedthepaintingdown.Isawyougoinginandoutofhishouseatallhoursoftheday.Doesn’ttakeageniustofigureoutwhatyoutwoweredoing.”Hissmileturnednasty.“Onceawhore,alwaysawhore.”
Bloomsofoutragecoloredmycheeks.“Isthatthebestyoucancomeupwith?Thename-callingisgettingold,Max.Findanewinsultordon’tuseoneatall,especiallysinceIcameheretohelpyou.”
Comeon,Christian.
Hesaiditwouldtaketwominutesforthedevicetoconnecttothecomputer,thenanadditionalfivetotenminutestofindthevideo,dependingonhowmanyfilesMaxhad.Inhindsight,IwasluckyMaxsentmescreenshotstofuckwithmethepastfewweeks—Christiancouldusethemasabasisforhissearch.Otherwise,itwouldtakehissoftwarefarlongertoscaneveryvideoifitdidn’tknowwhatitwaslookingfor.
Weagreedhewouldtextmeonlyafterhefoundanddestroyedallcopiesofthevideo.I’dpersonalizedhisalerttone,soIwouldknowitwasdonewithouthavingtocheckmyphone.
“Helpme?”Maxstaredatme,hissuspicionmounting.“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“BecauseIdon’twantyoutocomebacklaterandpintheblameonme.Iwantthis”—Igesturedbetweenus—“tobeoverwithassoonaspossible.”Isnuckapeekattheclock.Shit.It’dbeenlessthanfiveminutes.Ineededtodragtheconversationoutlonger.“Howdoyouknowforsurethepainting’snotafraud?”
“Myfriendsconfirmedit,”hesaidcoldly.“Besides,everyonethinksit’sjunk.Noonewouldcopyjunk,Jules.”Hewalkedtowardme,hisstepsheavyagainstthepaper-thinbluecarpet.
Iforcedmyselftoholdmyground.Kagewasrightoutside,butbeingtrappedinahotelroomwithMaxmademyheartlurchwithpanic.
“What’ssospecialaboutthepaintinganyway?It’shideous.”Ishould’vewornsomethingotherthanasweatshirt.Itclungtomyskin,suffocatingme.Theheatrosefrommytorsotomyface,andIfeltlikeIwasburningaliveinanincineratorofmyownmaking.
“Valuedoesn’talwaysequatetobeauty.”Maxlookedmeoverfromheadtotoe,hisimplicationclear.“ThepaintingisoneofalimitednumberthatbelongedtoafamousEuropeancollector.It’sworthalotofmoneyincertaincircles,butitwassoldatanestatesalebymistakeandswitchedfromownertoowneruntilwetrackeditdowntoyourboyfriend’shouse.Tookalotofpaperworktracingandbribestogettothatpoint,butwedidit.”Hiseyesglintedwithmaliciousamusement.“ImaginemydelightwhenIlearnedaboutyourconnectiontothecurrentowner.Itwaslikefatedroppedyouintomylap.”
Yeah,nokidding.Fatelikedtofuckmeoverasahobby.
“Didyoutellhimaboutthepainting?”Maxasked.“Ordidyousuckhiscocksogoodhehandeditoverwithoutcomplaint?”
“Atleastheknowswhattodowithhiscock,unlikesomeotherpeopleIknow.”Myvoicedrippedwithpoisonoushoney.“Suckingitisnohardshipatall.”
Max’swordsstillpokedatoldinsecurities,butIrefusedtolethimshamemeforenjoyingsex,dammit.
Guyssleptwithmultiplepartnersandwerelaudedforbeingplayers;girlsdidthesameandweredecriedaswhores.Itwasadoublestandardasoldastime,andIwasfuckingsickofit.
Satisfactionflaredinmystomachwhenhisfaceturnedamottledred.Oneuniversaltruthaboutmen:nothingdentedtheiregoandpissedthemoffmorethanquestioningtheirmanhood.
“Careful,Jules.”IcyrageflowedbeneathMax’swords,buthismaskwasslipping.Icouldseeitinhiseyetwitchandtheveinpulsinginhisforehead.Beneathallthatfake“niceness”wasafragilelittleshitwhowasoneinsultawayfromexploding.
Iswallowedaballoftrepidation.It’sfine.Kageisrightoutside.
“Onepressofthebutton.That’sallit’lltakebeforeeveryoneknowswhatawhoreyouare.Iwonderwhatyourboyfriendwillsaywhenheseesanotherguyfuckingyouintheassandcomingalloveryourface.OrwhatSilver&Kleinwillsaywhentheyseewhattheirpotentialemployeelikestodoinhersparetime.”Hecockedhishead,hiseyesglitteringwithmalice.“MaybeI’lluploadittoapornsite.Getpaid.It’shardforpriorfelonstogetajobthesedays.GottadowhatIgottadotoputfoodonthetable.”
Themetalgadgetdugintomypalms.Oxygenranthinattheprospectofthevideobeinguploadedonlinefortheworldtosee.Ofstrangemenjerkingofftooneoftheworstmomentsofmylife.
Ishouldn’thaveprovokedMaxsoearly.WhatifChristiancouldn’terasethevideo?Whatifhemissedacopy?Whatif—
ThesoftnotesofChristian’spersonalizedalerttoneburstfrommyphone.
TheonewesetsoIwouldknowoncethejobwasdone.
Myheartrattledharderagainstmyribcage.Nowthatthemomentwashere,Icouldn’tuntiemytongue.HowmuchdidIreallytrustChristiantogetthejobdone?Itwouldbesoeasytomissafile.Nothingtrulydiedincyberspace.AndwhatifMaxmadeaphysicalcopy?
Thewallspressedin,cagingmeinyellowingfloralwallpaperandthescentofmildew.
Can’tbreathecan’tbreathecantbreathecantbreathe…
Another,moreimpatientburstofmusicslicedthroughthesilence.ChristianwasprobablymonitoringthesituationviathecameraandwonderingwhyIhadn’tmademynextmoveyet.
Isuckedinashallowlungfulofair
I’dcomethisfar.Therewasnobackingoutnow.
“Actually,”Isaid.“Youmightwanttocheckyourphone.Seeifthatvideoisstillthere.Thingsdisappearincyberspaceallthetime.”
BeadsofsweatdottedmyforeheadasMaxstaredatme.Icouldpracticallyseehimpiecingthepuzzletogether—myunannouncedarrival,thewayI’dstretchedoutourconversation,whyIwassuddenlysowillingtotalkback.
Onceitclicked,hejabbedathisphone,hiseyesmovingbackandforthoverthescreenwithfrenziedspeed.
Airflowedtomylungsagainwhenhesnarled.
Itwasgone.Fromhisphone,atleast.
Maxdidn’tsayawordashepushedpastmetowardhislaptop.Eachfrantictaponthekeyboardsoundedlikeagunshotinthesilence.
Iinchedtowardthedoorbutkeptmyeyeonhim.Hisreactionwouldtellmeeverything—whetherChristianhaddestroyedeverycopy,orwhetherhehadanothercopyofthevideostashedsomewhere.
WhenMaxfinallylookedup,hisfeaturescontortedintoamaskofrage,mykneesweakenedwithrelief.
Afteryearsofthetapehangingovermyhead,itwasfinallygone.
Iwashomefree.
“Whatdidyoudo?”hehissed.
“Itookbackwhatbelongedtome.Controlovermybody.”Athickpressureinsidemeeased,sosuddenlyandcompletelyIwould’vefloatedoffthegroundhadInotbeenterrifiedanymovementwouldshatterthisdelicatedream.ThepressurehadbeenapartofmeforsolongIhadn’trealizeditwasthereuntilitwasgone.“Ialsowantthepaintingback.Itdoesn’tbelongtoyouoryourfriends.”
MaxmovedsofastIdidn’tgetachancetoblinkbeforehishandclosedaroundmywristinacrushinggrip.Asmallcryfelloutatthepainlancingupmyarm.
“Youfuckingbitch—”Heonlygothalfhissentenceoutbeforetattooedhandsyankedhimoffmeandtossedhimasidelikehewasnothingmorethanaragdoll.
Kage.
Somehow,he’denteredtheroomwithouteitherofusnoticing.
“Handsoffthelady,”Kagegrowled
Maxsputteredinshockashetookintheotherman’sbulky,six-foot-twoframe.“Whothefuckareyou?”
Kagecrossedhisarmsoverhischest.Hedidn’tanswer.
“Thepainting,Max.”Mywriststillthrobbedfromwherehe’dgrabbedme,butIignoredit.“Whereisit?”
Hisjawflexedwithanger,buthewasn’tdumbenoughtotestKage’scapabilityforviolence.“Thecloset,”hegroundout.“Intheportfoliobag.”
IglancedatKage,whonodded.HekeptaneyeonMaxwhileIretrievedthebagfromtheclosetandunzippedit.Thepaintingwasnestledinsidetheblackmaterial,safeandsoundandhideousasever.
ThankGod.
“Thisisn’tover,”MaxsaidasIwalkedtothedoor.He’dwrestledhisoutwardfuryundercontrol,buthiseyesshonewithangerandpanic.Iassumedhis“friends”wouldn’tbetoohappyabouthimlosingthepainting.“Youthinkyousolvedallyourproblemsjustbecauseyougotridofthetapeandtookbackthepainting?You’restillaliarandawhore.Eventually,yourboyfriendwillfigureitoutandtossyouasidethewayeveryonedoes.ThewayI’dplannedtodobeforeyousnuckoffinthemiddleofthenightlikeacoward.”
Istoppedinthedoorway.Maxwaspushingeverybuttonhecouldfind.SomeofitIbrushedoff;otherspeeledthescabsoffhealingwoundsuntiltheybledagain.
SweatdampenedmypalmsattheprospectofJoshfindingoutwhathappened.
“MaybeI’llnudgetheprocessalong.Givethegooddoctoraheadsuponwho,exactly,brokeintohishouse.I’msurehe’llappreciatethetruth.”ThepoisonfromMax’swordsdrippedintomyveins.
Kage’slowgrowlrumbledthroughtheair.Hesteppedtowardtheotherman,butIheldoutmyarmtostophim.
Thiswasn’thisfight.
“Actually,Maxitisover.”Thebagstrapslippedagainstmypalms.“Youdon’thavethetape.Youdon’thaveevidenceofanythingthathappenedinOhio.Ifyoudid,youwould’veuseditalready.AndyoucantrytotellJosh,buthe’snotgoingtobelieveyouoverme.Youhavenothing.”
Maxpaled.Hecurledhishandsintofists,hischestrisingandfallingwithshallowbreaths.
Withoutthearmorofblackmail,helookedsmall.Weak,liketheWizardofOzafterthecurtainwaspulledback.
Astrange,unexpectedseedofsympathysproutedinmystomach.Foralltheterriblethingshe’ddone,Maxhadsavedmewhenmymomkickedmeout.Granted,he’dpulledmeintoalifeIwaslessthanproudof,butwithouthim,Imight’veendeduphomeless.
IwouldstillcuthisballsoffifIhadthechance,buthewasright.Ididowehim.Notmoneyormybody,butsomeacknowledgmentofoursharedhistorythatwouldallowmetowalkawayforgoodwithaclearconscience.
“I’msorryyouspentallthoseyearsinjail,”Isaid.“Sevenyearsisalongtime,andIunderstandwhyyou’reangry.Butyou’reoutnow,andit’sachanceforafreshstart.Don’tgetsuckedintoyouroldlifeanymorethanyoualreadyhave.”Iswallowedhard.“It’seasytogetcaughtupinoldhabitsandhurts,butyou’llneverbehappychasingthingsthatnolongerexist.It’stimetomoveonfromthepast.Idid.”
Iwalkedout,leavingMaxred-facedandaloneinhishotelroom.
MymindtumbledwithathousandthoughtsasKageandIrodetheelevatordowntothelobby.
It’stimetomoveonfromthepast.Idid.
ExceptIhadn’t,notreally.
I’dplannedtoplantthestolenitemsbackinJosh’shouseandleavehimtofigureoutwhytheburglarwoulddosuchathing.ButifIdidthat,mylieswouldalwaysbeanalbatrossaroundmyneck.EvenifJoshneverfoundoutwhathappened,Iwouldknow.Everytimehekissedme,everytimehesmiledatme,IwouldknowIwaskeepingsomethingfromhim,anditwouldeatme,andeventuallyus,alive.
Howcouldyoubuildarelationshiponafoundationoflies?
Theanswer:youcouldn’t.
Theelevatordoorsopened.Iwalkedthroughthelobby,barelynoticingtheuglyorangecarpetandthreadbaresofas
Movingonfromthepastdidn’tmeanburyingitbeneathanewfoundationandhopingnoonefoundit;itmeantexposingtheuglinesstothelightandtakingresponsibility.
Youcouldn’thealfromsomethingifyoudidn’tacknowledgeit.
AsKageandIsteppedoutofthehotel,mythoughtscrystallizedintoclarity.
IknewwhatIhadtodo.
IhadtotellJoshthetruth.46JOSH
“You’reinaremarkablygoodmood.”ClaracockedanamusedeyebrowasIsignedoutfrommyshift.“DoesthereasonbeginwithaJandrhymewithrules?”
“Cannotconfirmordeny,”Isaid,practicallywhistling.
Lastweek’sburglaryaside,I’dhadadamngoodweek.I’dputMichaelbehindme,AlexandIwereonourwaytobeingrealfriendsagain,andworkhadbeenrelativelyeasy.FortheER,thatmeantnopatientdeathsandnomasscasualtyincidents,thoughtherehadbeenanastycaseinvolvinganidiotwithablowtorch.
Plus,Jules’sbarexamwasnextweek,whichmeantwecouldfinallygoonrealdatesagainsoon.
Ialreadyhadourfirstpost-bardateplanned:aweekendtriptoNewYorktoseeaspeciallimited-timerevivalofLegallyBlonde:TheMusical,sandwichedbetweenlotsofgoodfoodandevenmoresex.
I’dhavetotradeshiftsagaintomaketheweekendhappen,anditwasexpensiveashellonaresident’ssalary,butJulesdeservedit.Gettingthroughthebarwasabigdeal.
“Fine.Don’ttellme,butIcanguess.”Clararolledhereyesgood-naturedly.“Oneofthesedays,you’llhavetoconfirmyourrelationship,ortheothernurseswon’tstophoundingyouaboutdating.”
“I’llconfirmafteryouadmityourrelationshipwithTinsleyisserious.”Ismiledatherscowl.She’dbeendatingTinsleyformonthsandstillrefusedtomakeitofficial.AndpeoplesaidIhadcommitmentproblems.“That’swhatIthought.”
“Goodbye,Dr.Chen,”shesaidpointedly.
IlaughedandwavedbeforeIleft.
I’dscheduleddrinkswithAlexfortonight,butthatwasn’tforanotherfourhours.Ihadtimeforashowerandaquicknap,maybeabitofNewYorkresearch.Ireadaboutadessertplacetherethatreportedlyservedincrediblesaltedcaramelicecream.
ItypedinthesecuritycodewhenIarrivedatmyhouseandpushedthedooropen.OneofthefirstthingsIdidafterthebreak-inwasinstallahomesecuritysystem.Alexrecommendedit,soIassumeditwasgood.
Well,itwasthetenthoneherecommended.Thefirstninewereexpensiveasshit,butatleastthisonecrackedhistopten.
IwasalreadyhalfasleepbythetimeIfinishedmyshower,butthesoundofthedoorbelljoltedmeawake.
Ithrewonapairofsweatpantsandansweredthedoor.PleasantsurprisefilteredthroughmewhenIsawJulesstandingonthefrontstep.
“Hey,Red.”Igreetedherwithacockygrin.“Can’tstayawayfromme,huh?Don’tblameyou.”Igesturedatmyself.“Lookatallthis.”
Iwasstillshirtlessfromtheshower,andIdidn’twanttobragoranything,butmyabswereafuckingworkofart.
“IfIknewyouhadcompany,Iwould’vewaited,”shesaiddryly.Shewascarryingalargeportfoliobag,whichwasstrange,sinceshedidn’tdraw.Maybeshewentshoppingearlier.“Wouldn’twanttointerruptyourweeklylovefestwithyourego.”
“Daily,”Icorrected.“Self-loveiscriticaltomaintainingone’sself-esteem.Butyou’rehot,soyou’reallowedtointerrupt.”Idrewherinsideandkickedthedoorclosedbehindusbeforeplantingakissonherlips.“Hereforastudybreak?”
“Um,sortof.”Julestuckedastrandofhairbehindherear,lookingunusuallynervous.
“Well,don’ttaketoolongofabreak.AshappyasIamtoseeyou,Iwantyoutokickassonthisexam.”Anticipationzippeddownmyspine.“Ihaveasurpriseforyouafterit’sover.”
“Can’twait.”
Ifrownedathersubduedresponse.Normally,she’dbehoundingmeaboutwhatthesurprisewasuntilIcaved.“Youokay?”
“Yes.No.Imean,Ihavesomethingtotellyou.”Shedrewinalongbreathwithoutmeetingmyeyes.“It’saboutthepaintingtheburglarstole.”
“Okay…”Inarrowedmyeyes.“You’renotmakingmebuythatpaintingwesawonlinetheotherday,areyou?Theoneofthedogsplayingpoker?Becauseit’scoolandall,buttheremustbeathousandotherpeoplewhoownit.”
“No.”Herlaughsoundedforced.“Actually,it’safunnystory.Ihavethepainting.Theoneyou’remissing.”
Confusiondrewmybrowstogether.“Youfoundaprintofit?”
“No.”Julesfiddledwithherbag.“Therealthing.Theonestolenfromyourroom.”
Mysmileslipped,andforebodingsettledovermyskinlikealayeroffrost.Howthefuckdidshegetthepaintingwhenthepolicecouldn’tevenfindalead?
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Insteadofanswering,Julesslowlyunzippedtheportfoliobagandwithdrewthepainting.
Istaredatitblankly.
Thereitwas,inallitsbrownandgreenglory.I’dneverrealizedhowcondescendingitwas.Thepaintingsmirkedatme,itstauntasingsongvoiceinmyhead.
Iknowsomethingyoudon’t.Andyou’renotgoingtolikeitwhenyoufindout…
“That’snotall.”Jules’svoiceshooksoviolentlyshesoundedlikeadistortedversionofherself.
Myforebodinghardenedintoicydisbeliefwhenshereachedintoherpurseandretrievedthreeadditionalitems.
Mywatch.MyiPad.Myrolled-upwadofemergencycash.
No.
Shesetthemonthecoffeetable,thetrembleinherhandsmatchingtheoneinhervoice.
No,no,no.
“Tellmeyouhunteddownthethiefandrecoveredthoseitems.”Ibarelyheardmyselfovertheroarinmyears.“TellmetheburglarhadacrisisofconscienceanddroppedthoseitemsonmyporchwhenIwasintheshowerandyoufoundthem.Dammit,Jules,tellmesomething!”
Somethingotherthanthesuspicionwindingitswayaroundmythroatandchokingoffmyair.
“Istoletheitems.”Jules’sconfessionhitmelikeabulletinthechest.Painpiercedmyflesh,makingmeflinch.“I’msosorry.Ididn’twanttodoit.Hewasblackmailingme,andIdidn’tknowwhatelsetodoexceptgoalongwithit,andI…”
Herrambledexplanationfadedastheroargrewlouder.Herwordsrantogetherintoamurkystreamthatpaintedtheworldinuglygraysandviciousreds.
Shewastheartist,andIwastrappedinasurrealistnightmareofhermaking.
“Who?”IlatchedontothelastthingIrememberedhearing.
Mybrainwassluggish,andittookmoreeffortthanusualtogetthewordout.
Juleswrappedherarmsaroundherwaist.“Max.”
Max.TheguyImetatHyacinth.
Liquiddarkrageseepedthroughmyveinsandintomyvoiceatthementionofthatsmug-facedfucker.“Startfromthebeginning.”
Ilistened,numb,asJulesexplainedeverythingmoreclearlythistime—thejobsshepulledinOhio,herrelationshipwithMax,hersextape,hisblackmail,howshebrokeintomyhouseandhowshefinallygotridofthevideoandrecoveredthepainting.
Whenshefinished,theensuingsilencewasloudenoughtodeafenme.
“I’msorry.”Julesswallowed.“Ishould’vetoldyouallthisearlier,butIdidn’twanttoruinwhatwehadwhenwewerejuststartingtogetalong.Iwasn’tsurehowyouwouldreact,andIthought…”
“Youthought?”
“ThatifItoldyouaboutmypast,itwouldconfirmeverythinghorribleyou’deverthoughtaboutme.”Hervoicegrewsmallerwitheachword,likeshewasrealizinghowfuckingstupidtheywere.
Myragepulsedharder.Itleakedfrommyveinsandspreadintomychest,hollowingitoutuntilnothingelseremained.
HalfofitwasdirectedatMaxforwhathedidtoJules.
Theotherhalf…
Breathe.
“Isee.”NomatterhowhardItried,Icouldn’tsummonanounceofwarmth.Mybloodhadicedintoonesolid,painfulpool,andIwasafraidanymovementwouldcrackit.Splinteritintoathousandiciclesthatwouldshredmeopenfromtheinsideout.“Sowhyareyoutellingmenow?”
“Ididn’twanttolietoyouanymore.Ineverwantedtolietoyou,butI…”Julestookadeepbreathandstraightenedhershoulders.“Iwantedustohaveafreshstart.Nomoresecretsorlies.”
“Isee,”Irepeated.Thecoldinmychestintensified.“Iforgiveyou.”
Shefaltered,herfacetwistingwithconfusionatthecontrastbetweenmywordsandmychillytone.“Youdo?”
“Yes.”Ismiled.Themovementfeltstrange,likeIwascontortingmymouthintoapositionitwasnolongercapableof.“Comehere,Red.”
Thenicknametastedbitteronmytongue.
Afteramoment’shesitation,shesteppedtowardme.
Evenwithashenskinanddarkcirclesshadowinghereyes,shewasthemostbeautiful,treacherousthingI’deverseen.
IcurledmyhandaroundthebackofherneckandrubbedagentlethumboverherskinbeforeIyankedhertowardmeandkissedherhardenoughtodrawawhimperofpain.
“Thathurt?”
Julesshookherhead,hermusclestautbeneathmytouch.
“Good.”Isoftenedthekiss,soothingherlipswithmytongue.“Youshouldn’thavelied,Red,”Iwhispered.“YouknowIhateliars.”
Idetectedasofttrembleinhershoulders.“Iknow.”
“Butyou…”Idraggedmymouthoverthelineofherjawanddownherneck.“Youaresobeautiful.Sosweetbeneaththatpricklyarmoryouwear.Youknowthingsaboutmenooneelseeverwill.”Isankmyteethintothecurvebetweenherneckandshoulder.“HowcanIstaymadatyou?”
Julesletoutanotherwhimperwhenmyhandinchedbeneathherskirtandbrushedoverherpussy.Foronce,shewasn’twetforme.
Butwewouldchangethat.
Islippedmyhandinsideherunderwearandcaressedheruntilshefloodedmyfingersandherbodymeltedintomine
Mymovementswerecold.Mechanical.I’ddonethemamilliontimes,andIwatchedhermouthpartinlittlemoaninggaspswithapathy.
Mycockstrainedagainstmyzipper,hardandangry.Itwasaphysicalreactionmorethananythingelse,butitwastheonlypartofmethatstillfeltalive.
JuleswasteeteringontheedgeoforgasmwhenIyankedmyhandaway.
“Getonyourfuckingknees.”
Shejerkedatmyharshtone,butafterasecond’shesitation,sheslowlysanktoherkneeswithoutargument.
“Doyouwantthis?”Itiltedherchinup,forcinghereyestomeetmine.“Tellmeifyoudon’t,Red.Thisisyourlastchance.”
Jules’sthroatbobbedwithaswallow.“Iwantthis.”
Ireleasedherchinandtuggedherheadbackwithonehandwhilefreeingmycockwiththeother.“Tapmythighifyouwantmetostop.”
ThatwastheonlywarningIgaveherbeforeIshovedmyselfdownherthroat.Shegaggedatthebrutalinvasion,hereyeswellingwithtears,butherhandsremainedplantedinherlap.
Igrippedherhairwithbothhandsandfuckedhermouth,deeperanddeeperuntiltheobscenesoundofmyballsslappingagainstherchinmixedwithherchokedgurgling.
MyjawclenchedasIstareddownather.Thesightofherkneelingbeforeme,tearsandmascararunningdownhercheekswhileshechokedonmycock,sentanirrationalwaveoffurythroughme.
Iclosedmyeyesandtippedmyheadback.Thatturnedouttobeamistake,becausetheminuteIdid,unwantedmemoriesbangedthroughmybrain.
Vermont.Theclinic.Hyacinth.Thepicnic.Ohio.
Everypuzzlepiecethatshapedourrelationshipintowhatitwasnow,tainted.
Itwasn’taboutthesizeofJules’slies.Ididn’tgivetwofucksaboutastupidpaintingandsomegadgets.Itwasabouttrust.
AllI’deverwantedwashonesty,andallI’devergottenwasdeception.
Tensionknifedthroughmygut.
IopenedmyeyesandyankedmycockoutofJules’smouth.Sweatcoatedmyskin,andmyheartdrummedapainfulrhythminmychest.
Shewasamess—hairtousled,mouthswollen,cheeksstreakedwithtears.Shestaredupatme,thosehugehazeleyessayingwordsIdidn’twanttohear.
“Getonallfours.”
Icouldn’tbringmyselftolookather,butevenwhenIfuckedherfrombehind,imagesofhersearedthroughmybrain.
Theglintofherhairinthesunlight.Thefirethatsparkedinhereyeswhensheinsultedme.Thesoftnessofherpalmagainstmineandthewayhermouthtiltedupjustafractionhigherontherightwhenshesmiled.
Pressuresuffocatedmychest.
Juleswasclosetocoming.Icouldhearitinthewayshebreathedandfeelitinthewayshesqueezedaroundme.
Itwasfunnyhowsometimes,Iwasattunedtohereverymovement,andothertimes,Ididn’tknowheratall.
Ileaneddownuntilmymouthhoverednexttoherear.“RememberwhenIsaidIforgiveyou?”Ireachedaroundtopinchherclit.“Ilied.”
Jules’sorgasmhitheratthesametimemywordsdid.Shegaspedoutahalfsob,halfmoanwhileIcamerightafterher.
Theemptyreleasedidnothingtoeasethepressurebehindmyribcage.
Idisentangledmyselffromherandstood.Sheslumpedforwardontheground,herdressbunchedaroundherwaist,hershouldersshakingwithsoftcries.
“Howdoesitfeeltobeliedto,Jules?”Theraw,angrywordssoundedliketheycamefromsomeoneelse.SomeonecruelerthanIeverthoughtIcouldbe.“Doesn’tfeelgood,doesit?”
Theiceinmyveinshadmelted.Iwasdrowningfromtheinsideout,andpartofmewantedtogivein,sinkbeneaththesurface,andnevercomebackup.
Michael.Alex.Jules.
ThreeofthepeopleItrustedmostallstabbedmeintheback.MichaelandAlex’sbetrayalshurt,butJules…sheknewhowfuckedupIwasfromwhathappenedwiththeothers.
Intellectually,Iunderstoodherreasoningfornottellingmeearlier.Emotionally,Icouldn’tstopthehurtfrompoisoningeverymemoryofus.
Careful,Red.Keepsayingthingslikethat,andImightneverletyougo.
You’reoneofthefewpeopleItrust…evenwhenwecouldn’tstandeachother,Icouldalwayscountonyoutobehonestwithme.
Heatblazedacrossmycheeks.
Iwasafuckingidiot.
Julespushedherselfoffthegroundandfacedme.Giantblotchesofredbloomedacrossherfaceandneck.She’dstoppedcrying,butherbreathssoundedabnormallyloudandshallowinthesilence.
“Itseemsonlyfittingforustoendthingswithagoodbyefuck.”Acruelsmileslashedacrossmymouth.Theunyieldingpressurehadcrawledupmythroat,andittooktwiceasmuchefforttogetmywordsout.“Atleastyougotanorgasmoutofit,sodon’tsayInevergaveyouanything.I’llmissthattightpussyofyoursthough.Noonetakesmycockbetterthanyoudo.It’syourbestquality.”
Vicioushurtslashedacrossherfaceandspearedmeinthechestlikeahotpoker.
TheonlypersonIhatedmorethanherinthatmomentwasmyself.
“WhatIdidwaswrong,andI’msorry.”Hersmallvoicecontainedthebaresthintofherusualfire.“Butyou’rebeingcruel.”
“AmI?”Imocked.“Well,I’mfuckingsorry.Asyoucansee,beinganiceguyhasn’tservedmeallthatwellinthepast.”Myeyesburned.
Lookingatherhurt.Hearingherhurt.Everythinghurt.
“Youcould’vefuckingtoldme,Jules.DidyoureallythinksolittleofmethatyouthoughtI’djudgeyouforthingsyouweremanipulatedintodoing?ThatIwouldn’thavebeenonyoursideandtookthatfuckerdownwithyou?Iunderstandwhyyoudidn’ttellmethetruthatHyacinth,butafterOhio…”Myjawclenched.“That’swhatfuckinghurtsthemost.ThatIconsideredyouworthyoftrustbutyoudidn’tthinkthesameofme.”
Jules’schinwobbled.Shepressedafisttohermouth,hereyesglisteninginthedimlight.
“Ifyou’daskedforthepainting,Iwould’vegivenittoyou.”Myvoicecracked.“Iwould’vegivenyouanythingyouwanted.”
Asharpsobbledthroughherfist,followedbyanother,andanother,untilhergaspingbreathssoakedeverymoleculeofair.
Iwatched,unmoving,asshehyperventilated,butmymusclesstrainedwiththeefforttoholdstill.
Iloathedthepartofmethatstillwantedtocomforther.Itwasthepartwithnoself-preservation,thatneededhersomuchitwouldwillinglyhandhertheknifetostabmeinthechestjustsoshecouldbethelastthingIsawbeforeIdied.
Shewasright.Iwasamasochist.
“Getout.”
Julesflinchedatmyquietcommand.“Josh,please.IswearIdidn’t—”
“Get.Out.”
“Ilo—”
“Don’tyoudaresayit.”Mypulsespikedwithanotherburstofadrenaline.Breathe.Justfuckingbreathe.“Isaid,getout,Jules.Getthefuckout!”
Shefinallymoved,hersoftsobsgrowingfainterasshestumbledtowardthedoor.Itclosedbehindher,andthen…silence.
Thetensionholdingmeuprightcollapsed.
Idoubledover,handsonmyknees,silentshudderswrackingmybody.Thepressureinsidemestrangledeveryvitalorgan,butnomatterhowmuchitbuiltandbuilt,itrefusedtoexplode.Itjustsatthere,suffocatingmefromtheinsideout.
Juleswasgone,butIstillfelther.Shewaseverywhere—ineveryinchoftheroom,everyfragmentofmythoughts,everybeatofmyheart.
Thevisceralurgetodestroyeverythingthatremindedmeofherpropelledmeoffthecouchandintomyroom.IrifledthroughmydeskdrawerfortheLegallyBlondemusicalticketsandtorethemintoshreds,takingperversesatisfactionintheconfettiofdestroyedpaperflutteringintomytrashcan.
NextwenttheshirtIletherborrowthefirstnightshesleptover;thereceiptfromGiorgio’s,whichI’dkeptasastupidsecretmementoofourfirstdate,andthepillowwithherscentlingeringonit.Everylittlethingthatcontainedeventhesparsestmemoryofus,destroyedandtossed.
BythetimeIfinished,myroomlookedlikehowIfelt:emptyandhollow.
Unabletostandthesightofthestrippedroom,Iwalkedtothekitchenandgrabbedthenearestbottleofwhiskey.
Iwould’vebeenconcernedabouthowmuchI’dbeendrinkinglatelyifIgaveashitaboutanythingexceptdrowningoutJules’slingeringpresence.Itwasn’tlikeIwasfuckingblackingouteverynight.
Ididn’tbotherpouringthewhiskeyinaglass;Itippedmyheadbackandchuggedstraightfromthebottle.
Idon’tknowhowmuchIdrank,nordidIcare.
IjustdrankanddrankuntilIsankintothedarknessofoblivionandthoughtsofJulesfinallyfadedfrommymind47JULES
RememberwhenIsaidIforgiveyou?Ilied.
Istumbledtowardthemetro,Josh’swordsechoinginmybrainlikeanendlesstaunt.
RememberwhenIsaidIforgiveyou?Ilied.
WhenIsaidIforgiveyou?Ilied.
Forgiveyou?Ilied.
Ilied.
Ilied.
Tearsblurredmyvision,andIwasn’tsureifIwasgoingintherightdirection,butIdidn’tcare.Ijustneededtogetaway.
FromJosh’scruelwords,hiscoldeyes,andhisvindictivetouch.
FromtheknowledgethatI’dfuckedupandhadnoonetoblameexceptmyself.
Peoplesaidtohavelovedandlostwasbetterthanneverhavinglovedatall.
Theyneversaidadamnthingaboutwhatitwasliketohavethepersonyoulovedandlostlookatyouliketheyutterlyloathedyou.Joshhadneverlookedatmelikethat,notevenwhenIthoughthehatedme.
Iswipedatmycheekswiththebackofmyhand,butitwasliketryingtosweepwaterbackintotheocean.Utterlyfutile.
IknewtherewasachanceJoshwouldreactbadlytothetruth.Ijusthadn’texpectedhimtoreactthatbadly.
Theworstpartwas,hewasright.Ihadn’ttrustedhimtotakemysideafterlearningthetruth.I’dbeensoblindedbymyinsecurities,soterrifiedofdestroyingoneofthefewbeautifulthingsinmylife,thatIturneditsdestructionintoaself-fulfillingprophecy.
Joshhadn’tcaredaboutthesextapeorthestupidpainting.He’donlycaredthatIliedtohim.
Iwassuchafuckingidiot.
Ifyou’daskedforthepainting,Iwould’vegivenittoyou.Iwould’vegivenyouanythingyouwanted.
Freshneedlesofpainpiercedmychest.Myheartburnedlikesomeonehadrakeditoverhotcoals,andIcouldn’tdragenoughairintomylungs.Maybeitwasbecauseeverybreathhurt.
Everybreath,everyheartbeat,everyblink.Normalbodilyfunctionsthatalljusthurt.
Evenmybodyhatedme.
Iwipedmyfaceagainasthemetrocameintoview.I’dmadeit,sortof.
SixstopsuntilIreachedthestationnearmyapartment,thenafive-minutewalktomybuilding.
Sixstops.Fiveminutes.
Icouldsurviveforthatlong.
“Getyourselftogether,”Ihiccupped.“Beforepeoplecallthecopsonyou.”
Iwasalreadyattractingamixofalarmedandconcernedlooksfrompassersby.Talkingtomyselfprobablydidn’thelp.
Luckily,thetrainarrivedrightasIenteredtheplatform,soIdidn’thavetowait.Ichosetheemptiestcarandcurledupinthecorner,watchingthedarktunnelsrushbyoutside.Mycrazedreflectionstaredbackatmefromtheoppositewindow—hairwild,blacktracksofmascararunningdownmyface,skincoveredwithblotchesofbrightredlikeIhadanastycaseofhives.
DidyoureallythinksolittleofmethatyouthoughtI’djudgeyouforthingsyouweremanipulatedintodoing?ThatIwouldn’thavebeenonyoursideandtookthatfuckerdownwithyou?
Iclosedmyeyes,wishingwitheverythinginmethatIcouldturnbacktimeandredoallmydecisionsregardingMax.
Iwassupposedtobealawyer.Logical,reasonable,strategic.ButwhenitcametoMaxandJosh,I’dbeenanythingbut.
HowhadIfuckedupmyownlifesobadly?
Iopenedmyeyesagain,notwantingtospendtoolonginmythoughts.Theywouldjusttortureme.
Instead,Iwatchedthemetrostopspassbywithadetachedawareness.
Tenleytown.VanNess.ClevelandPark.AdamsMorgan/WoodleyPark.
BythetimeIreachedmystopandmadetheshorttrekfromthestationtoTheMirage,mysobshadgivenwaytoacoldnumbness.
Iwalkedthroughthedark,silentapartment,mystepsunnaturallyloudagainstthehardwoodfloors.Stellawasn’thome,soIdidn’thavetofieldquestionsaboutwhyIlookedlikesuchahotmess.
AllIwantedwastosleepthenightaway,butImanagedtotakeaquickshowerbeforeIclimbedintobed.Mymovementswerestiffandmechanical,likeIwasn’ttrulythere.
IwishIweren’t.
Despitetheexhaustionpullingatmyeyes,Icouldn’tfallasleep,soIjuststaredattheceilingandlistenedtothesilence.
Maybeitwasmyimagination,butawhiffofJosh’scolognefromthelasttimehesleptoverlingered.IfIclosedmyeyes,Icouldalmostpretendhewasthere,hisfaceburiedinmyneckandhisstrongbodycradlingmine.
Youknow,you’rethefirstguyI’vebeenwithinmyroom.
Firstandlast,Red.
Possessivemuch?
DamnrightIam.Idon’tlikesharing.
Sharingisavirtue,Josh.
Idon’tgiveaflyingfuck.Idon’tshare.Notwhenitcomestoyou.
Somethingwarmandwettrickleddownmycheek.Itssaltinessteasedmylips,andIrealizedIwascryingagain.
Unlikemyearliersobs,thesetearsdidn’tmakeasound.Theywerequietscreamstrappedinmychest,burrowingintomybonesandsuffocatingme.
Ididn’tbotherwipingthemaway.Ijustlaythere,staringintothedarknessandlettingiteatmealive.48JULES
TheonlygoodthingaboutmybreakupwithJoshwasthatitgavememoretimeandmotivationtostudyforthebar.Iwasmotivatedbefore,buttherewasnopushgreaterthantheneedtodistractfromabrokenheart.
Itookthenextweekofffromtheclinicanduseditforonelastprepmarathon.
Wakeupatsevena.m.
Eatbreakfastandshower.
Videolecturesandnotesuntilnoon.
Lunchandashortbreak.
Assignmentsandpracticeessays.
Dinnerandanotherbreak.
PracticeMBE(MultistateBarExamination)questions.
Sleep.
Istucktothesamescheduleeveryday,afraidthatifIdeviated,IwouldfallintoadarkholeIcouldn’tclawmywayoutof.
Structurewasgood.Structurekeptmefromhavingtomakedecisionsorthinkaboutanythingotherthanwhatthenextiteminmyto-dolistwas.
Ofcourse,thatonlylasteduntilIactuallytookthebarexam.Afterthat…
Istaredatthesheetofpaperbeforeme.
Ahusbandandwifedecidedtostartabikeshopwiththewife’sbrother.Theyfiledacertificateoforganizationtoformalimitedliabilitycompany…rentedastorefrontcommercialspace…signedcontracttopurchase150biketires…
Iblinkedandshookmyheadbeforere-readingthesetupmorecarefully.Amigrainecreptbehindmytemples,butIwasalmostatthefinishline.
Aftersixhoursoftesting,thiswasmylastquestion—forthefirstday,anyway.Istillhadthemultiple-choiceexamtomorrow,butI’dworryaboutthatthen.
ThescratchofmypencilfilledmyearsasIscribbledmynotesdownbeforetypingmyfinalresponsesintothecomputer.
WhattypeofLLCwascreated—member-managedormanager-managed?Explain.
IstheLLCboundunderthetirecontract?Explain.
Andsoonandsoforth.
Ifinishedliterallyaminutebeforetimewasup.Isubmittedthetestelectronicallyandexitedthetestingsite,waitingforarushofrelieforexcitement.Aftersomanyyearsofschoolandmonthsofstudying,Iwashalffinishedwiththeexamthatwoulddeterminethefutureofmycareer.
Buttherushnevercame.
Ijustfelt…empty.
“IthinkIdidokay,”awomannearmesaidintoherphone.Irecognizedherasanotherattorneyhopefulfromthetestingsite.Shelaughedatwhateverthepersonontheotherendsaid.“Stop…yes,ofcourse.Dinnertonight.Iloveyou.”
Alumpofemotioncloggedmythroat.
Inanalternateuniverse,IwouldbeonthephonewithJosh,makingplanstocelebrate.Somethinglowkey,sincetomorrowwasstillatestday,butknowinghim,he’dturnitintoawholeproduction.
Dinneratmyfavoriterestaurant,anat-homemassage,sextohelpme“relievestress”…
“You’lluseanyexcuseforsex,won’tyou?”Iteased.ItookoffmyjacketandtosseditonthecouchrightbeforeJoshgrabbedmywaistandspunmearound.
“WhosaysIneedanexcuse?”Hischeekdimpled.“Youwanttofuckmeallthetime,Red.Admitit.But,sinceyoumentionit…”Mybreathhitchedasheslidapalmupmythigh.“Completinghalfthebarexamisabigdeal.Itdeservestobecelebrated.”
“Doesit?”Itriedtomaintainapokerface,butitwasdifficultwhenhisthumbwasrubbingcirclesovermyskinlikethat.
Heatburnedlowinmybelly.
“Mmmhmm.”Josh’seyessparkledwithmischief.“Youknowwhattheysay.AlltestandnorewardmakesJulesaverydullgirl.”
“Literallynoonesaysthat.”
“Ido,andI’moneofonlytwopeoplewhomatter.”Hebrushedhislipsovermine.“Now,aboutyourreward…”
Thedingoftheelevatorshatteredthefantasyintoamillionjaggedpieces
Iwasn’tinJosh’slivingroomafteraromanticnightout;Iwasinthecoldhallwayofanondescriptbuildingdowntown,mystomachcrampingandmychesttightasIlosthim.
Again.
Somestupid,naivepartofmehopedJoshwouldmagicallyshowupandsurprisemelikewewerestarringinacheesyromcom,butofcourse,hedidn’t.
Mybreathspickedupspeed.Thechilloftheairconditioningburrowedintomybones,andtheechooffootstepsagainstthemarblefloorstookonamenacingnote.
Ineedtogetoutofhere.
Unfortunately,theopenelevatorwasgoingup,notdown,andtheotherelevatorseemedtobestuckonthesixthfloor.
Insteadofwaiting,Ipushedopenthedoortothestairwell.Iwasonlyonthethirdfloor,soitwasaneasyenoughwalkdowntothelobby.
Itseemsonlyfittingforustoendthingswithagoodbyefuck.
I’llmissthattightpussyofyours,though.Noonetakesmycockbetterthanyoudo.It’syourbestquality.
Freshhurtslicedthroughmeatthememoryofhispartingshot.Joshalwaysknewwhichbuttonstopush,goodorbad.
Butstill,Imissedhimsomuchithurttobreathe.
Comehere,baby.
You’resupposedtobeinNewZealand.
I’dratherbehere.
Ihadn’tseenhimsinceourbreakup.Hehadn’tswungbytheclinic,andhe’dignoredallmycallsandtexts.Butif—
“Ineedthepaintingback,Jules.”
MyheadjerkedupjustintimetocatchaglimpseofblueeyesandlightbrownhairbeforeMaxpinnedmetothewall.
Iletoutasmallcrywhenmyheadbangedagainsttheconcrete.Myvisionblurredattheimpact,butIcouldstillmakeouttheharshlinesofMax’sexpression.
“Idon’thaveit,”Igasped.“Ithrewitaway.”
Ididn’twanthimgoingafterJosh.ChristianhadpromisedtokeepaneyeonJoshincaseMax’s“friends”triedtostealthepaintingagain,butitwasn’tasustainablesolution.
Ihadn’twantedtothrowitawaywithoutreturningittoJoshfirst.Hedeservedtoknow.ButItoldhimthedangerwhenIexplainedthesituationtheothernight,andIhopedhewassmartenoughtogetridoftheartbeforeMax’sfriendsshowedupathisdoorstep.
“Don’tlie,Jules.Ialwaysknowwhenyou’relying.”WhiskeycoatedMax’sbreath.Therewasnotraceoftheclean-cut,gentlemanlymaskhelikedtowear.Wildpanicranthroughhisbloodshoteyes,andhislipwascurledintoanuglysneer.Athinsheenofsweatcoatedhisfaceandglistenedbeneaththestairwell’sfluorescentlights.
Hewasnearferal.Unhinged.
Myheartjackhammeredinmychest,andathick,pungenttastefilledmymouth.
Itwasthetasteoffear.
“They’regoingtokillmeifIdon’tfindit.”Abeadofsweatdrippeddownhisforehead.“Ineedthepaintingback.You’regoingtohelpme.”
“Itoldyou,Ithrewitaway.”MyheartracedsofastImightpassout.
Icouldhearpeople’sfootstepsoutsidethedoor—soclose,yetsofaraway.
Whyisnooneusingthestairs,dammit?
Ascreamoffrustrationtrappedinmychest.Ofallthedaysformetotakethestairs,whichIneverdid,Ihadtochoosetoday.
Ishould’veliedandgonealongwithMax’splanuntilIcouldgethelp,butmyoxygensupplyranscarce,andIcouldn’tthinkproperly.
Besides,whatifhehurtJosh?Whatif—
“Youstupid,fuckingwhore.”MaxpressedhisforearmagainstmythroatuntilIgaspedforair.Iclawedathishold,buthewastoostrong.“Thisisallyourfault.Youruinedmylife.Iaskedyouforonefavor,Jules.Onefavorinexchangeforsevenyears,andyoucouldn’tevendothat.”Hisharshbreathscloudedmyfaceinahazeofalcohol.
Drunkanddesperate.Themostdangerouscombination.
“MaybeIshouldtakemypaymentanotherway,”hesaid,hisvoicesonastyitmadethehairsonthebackofmyneckstandup.Maxreachedbetweenmylegs.“Seeifyourpussyisstilltightenoughtomakemecome.”
Dotsdancedbeforemyvision.Mylimbsweregrowingheavier,mystrugglesforbreathweaker,soIdidtheonlythingIcoulddo—IkneedhimintheballswitheveryounceofstrengthIhadleft.
Hishowlofpainrippedthroughthestairwell.Hereleasedmeanddoubledover.
IallowedmyselfonesecondtobaskinthesweetairflowingthroughmylungsagainbeforeIstumbledtowardtheexit,butIonlymadeittwostepsbeforeahandshovedagainstmyback.Ididn’tevengetachancetoscreambeforeIplummeteddownthestairs.Myheadslammedagainstsomethingcoldandhard,andIcaughtonlythebriefestglimpseofthestairwelldooropeningbeforeeverythingwentdark.49JOSH
“Youforgottoaskabouttheirallergies,”Isnapped.“HowamIsupposedtotreatapatientproperlyifIdon’thavealltherelevantinformation?ThisistheER,Lucy.Wecan’taffordanykindoffuckups.”
Lucyshrankbackfrommyharshtone.
Iusuallyhadagreatworkingrelationshipwiththenurses,butIwastooirritatedbythestingofantisepticintheair,theclicksofthekeyboardatthenurses’station,thesqueakofshoesagainstthelinoleumfloors…basicallyeverything.
IignoredtheheatofClara’sglarefromseveralfeetaway.Itwasn’tmyfaultifpeoplewereincompetent.
“I’msorry,”Lucysaid,herfacepale.“I’llmakesuretoremembernexttime.”
“Good.”Iturnedonmyheelandleft,notbotheringtosaygoodbye.
“Don’tstressaboutit,”IheardClarasaybehindme.“Itwasyourfirstmistakesinceyoustartedworkinghere.You’vebeendoingagreatjob.”
Shecaughtupwithmeaminutelater,herirritationassharpastheonerunningthroughmyveins.“Doctor,canIspeakwithyou?Alone.”
“I’mbusy.”
“Youcanmaketime.”Clarayankedmeintothenearestsidehallway.Doctorsandnursesrushedpastus,toocaughtupintheirownworktopayusmuchattention.“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”
Hereyesboreintomine,equalpartsconcernedandannoyed.
“Nothingiswrongwithme.I’mdoingmyjob.OrIwouldbe,ifsomeonewasn’tholdingmeup.”Ileveledherwithapointedstare.
“DoesyourjobincludealienatingeverypersonintheER?Ifso,you’retheEmployeeoftheMonth,”Clarasaidcoolly.“Idon’tknowwhat’swrong,butyou’vebeenactinglikeaboorforthepastweek.Sohere’smyadvice,bothasanurseandyourfriend.Cutthatshitout,oryou’llruineverythingyou’veworkedforthepastthreeyears.Noonelikesanassholedoctor.”Shejabbedherfingeratmychest.“Nextpatient.Roomfour.Wedon’thavetimeforyourmoodinessrightnow,soIsuggestyousetwhateverthefuckisbotheringyouasideandstopmakingitharderoneveryoneelsearoundyou.Youwanttodoyourjob?Thendoyourjob.”
Shestalkedoffanddisappearedaroundthecorner.
IstoodthereforseveralstunnedsecondsbeforeIreleasedasharpexhale.
Clarawasright.I’dbeenactinglikeagrade-Aass.Whathappenedlastweekhadmessedmeup,andI’dbeentakingitoutoneveryonearoundme.
MyjawflexedwhenIrememberedmybreakupwithJules,butIdidn’thavetimetodwellonthatrightnow.
Ihadajobtodo,andI’dalreadywastedvaluabletime.
Icheckedthepatient’sinformationinthehospital’sonlinesystembeforeenteringtheroom.Shewasfemale,agedtwenty-four,named…
Myskinchilledrightasthewordssharpenedonscreen.
JulesAmbrose.
You’vegottabeshittingme.
IthadtobeanotherJulesAmbrose.Theuniversewouldn’thavethatfuckedupofasenseofhumor.
ButwhenIpushedopenthedoortoroomfourwithashakinghand,thereshewas,lookinglikeshe’dsteppedrightoutofmymostbeautifulnightmare.
Shestaredbackatme,hereyeswidewithshock.Anastycutslashedacrossthecornerofherforeheadandhitmelikeapunchinthegut.
Jules.Hurt.
Timeslowedintooneendless,painfulbeat.ItwassoquietIcouldcounteachindividualthudofmypulse.
One.Two.Three.
You’dthinkaweekwouldbelongenoughtoblunttheserratededgesofmypain,butyou’dbewrong.Theyrakedagainstmyinsides,makingmebleedalloveragain,buttheywerenothingcomparedtotheworryraginginmygut.
HowthehelldidJulesgetthatcut?Whatifitwasinfected?Whatifshe—
Julesshifted,andthesoftsqueakofleatherfinallydraggedmeoutofmytrance.
Inthisroom,weweren’texes.
Shewasapatient;Iwasherdoctor.Thiswasn’tthetimetowallowinourpersonalhistoryorfreakoutoveronesmallcut…nomatterhowmuchthesightofherbloodmademyhearttwist.
“I’mDr.Chen.”Ispokeinaclipped,professionaltone,thankfulnoneofmyinnerturmoilbledthrough.
IwouldtreatJuleslikeIwouldanyotherpatient—oneIdidn’tknow.
ThemoredistanceIplacedbetweenus,thebetter.
“Hi,Dr.Chen.I’mJules.”Thetiniestoftentativesmilesplayedonhermouthandstolethebreathrightoutofmyfuckinglungs.
Focus.
ThankGodmyattendingphysicianwasn’there.Asathird-yearresident,Iusuallystartedthepatientencounterbeforetellingmyattending,who’llseethepatientonhisownafterIgavehimthepertinentinformation.
Ifmyattendingwerehere,hewouldnothaveapprovedofhowdistractedIwas.Hecouldalwaystellwhenmyheadwasn’tinthegame.
ClarahadalreadycheckedJules’sABC’s—airway,breathing,andcirculation—soIjumpedstraightintothequestions,hopingthey’dgroundme.
“Whathappened?”IstaredatmyclipboardlikeitwasthemostfascinatingthingI’deverseen.ThelessIlookedather,thelesslikelyIwastocavelikeacheapumbrelladuringathunderstorm.Iwasstillpissedather.Oneinjurydidn’tchangethat.
She’sfine.It’sjustacut.
“Ifelldownthestairs,”shesaidquietly.
MyhandstilledforafractionofasecondbeforeIcontinuedmynotes.Myheartthumpedsolouditalmostdrownedoutmynextwords.“Howmanystairswerethere?”
“Maybeadozen?I’mnotsure.”
Fuck.SweatcoatedmyskinatthementalimageofJulescrumpledatthebottomofaflightofstairs.IalmostreachedforherthewayIwould’vehadwestillbeendating,butIforcedmypersonalfeelingsasideandexaminedherextremitiesforinjuries.
Icouldn’tfindanyphysicalwoundsexceptforthecutonherforeheadandacoupleofbruises,butthatdidn’tmeanshewasintheclear.
Thesweatintensifiedastheworst-casescenariosforallpossibleinternalinjuriesflashedthroughmymind.
Stop.She’syourpatient.That’sit.
“Didyouhityourhead?”Itwasanobviousquestion,giventhecut,butIhadtoask.
Julesnodded.
“Didyoupassout?”
“Yes.”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroatandranthroughtherestofmyquestions.
Areyoutakinganybloodthinners?No.
Isthereanychanceyou’repregnant?No.
“Areyouhurtinganywhereinparticularrightnow?”
Myquestionhungbetweenus,thickwithunspokenmeaning.
Despiteeverythingthathappenedbetweenus,thethoughtofJuleshurtmadeitsofuckinghardtobreathe.
“Myhead,shoulder,andlowerback.”
“Whataboutyourneck?”IfeltalongherC-spineandbreathedasilentsighofreliefwhenshedidn’tflinch.“Doesithurt?”
Julesshookherhead.“No.It’sjusttheplacesImentioned.Physically,anyway,”sheaddedsoftly.
Theairthinnedwhiletheacheinmychestintensified.
ShewassocloseIcouldhearherbreathing.
I’dforgottenhowmuchIlovedthatsound—thesoundofherjustexisting,remindingmethatnomatterhowfuckeduptheworldgot,therewasatleastonegoodthinginit.
Atleast,thereusedtobe.
Isetmyjawandfinishedthephysicalexaminationasquicklyaspossible.“Right.I’llorderaCTscan,justincase.”Mycrispwordsbouncedthroughthefluorescent-litroom,erasinganyhintofsoftness.“Howdidyoufalldownthestairs?”
Alongsilencepassedbeforesheanswered.“Someonepushedme.”
Istaredather,sureI’dheardwrong.“Someonepushedyou.”
Julesnodded,herlipstight.“Iwaswalkingdownthestairsaftermybarexam.Iwasdistracted,soIwasn’tpayingmuchattentiontomysurroundings.Theperson…surprisedme,andtheypushedmewhenItriedtogetaway.Ihitmyheadandpassedout.WhenIwokeup,Iwasinthebackofataxiwithawoman,someoneIrecognizedfromthetestingsite.Shesaidshe’djustenteredthestairwellwhensheheardmefall,butshedidn’tseeanyoneelse.Shedroppedmeoffatthehospitaland,well,hereIam.”
Sherelayedwhathappenedinamatter-of-factmanner,buttheslightshakeinhervoicetoldmetheincidentfreakedheroutmorethansheleton.
Slow,poisonousrageoozedintomybloodstream.
Iwasn’tastrangertoanger,butI’dneverfeltlikethisbefore.
LikeIwantedtohuntdownthepersonresponsibleandripthemapartwithmybarefuckinghands.
“Who?”Mycalmvoicebeliedtheviolencebrewinginmystomach.“Whodidthistoyou?”
Shesaidthepersonsurprisedher.Judgingfromhertone,itwassomeonesheknew.
Iguessedtheanswerbeforeshetoldme.
“Max.”ApprehensioncreptintoJules’seyes,likeshewasafraidofhowI’dreacttothename,andforgoodfuckingreason.
Max.Theguywhohadasextapeofher.Whoblackmailedherintostealingfromme.Whoputhisfuckinghandsonheranddestroyedtheonlybeautifulthinginmylife…us
Myragedeepened,tintingmyworldabloodycrimson.
“Isee.”Ibetrayednoneoftheemotionroaringthroughmychest.“I’mgoingtomakesomearrangementsforyourCTscan.I’llberightback.”
Ilefttheroomandpulledoutmyphone.IttookmelessthantwosecondstoshootAlexatext.
Me:Ineedyoutofindsomeoneforme.50JOSH
Thegreatthingabouthavingamorallyquestionablebestfriendwasthattheydidn’tquestionyouwhenyoudidmorallyquestionablethings.
Alexdidn’taskwhyIwantedtotrackMaxdown;hejustdidit.Ittookhimlessthananhourbecause,accordingtohim,MaxleftatrailofdigitalcrumbssoobviousablindLudditecould’vefollowedit.
WhenwefoundhimhooveringdrinksatadivebarlikeanalcoholicDyson,Maxwasalreadythreesheetstothewind,andittookonlythepromiseofmorebooze,drugs,andgirlstolurehimwithus.
IletAlexdothetalkingandtookaseparatecarincaseMaxrecognizedme,buthewassodrunkhedidn’tnoticeanythingwaswronguntilweenteredasilent,secludedhouseonthecity’soutskirts.
Bythen,itwastoolate.
“Hemust’vereallypissedyouoff.”AlexexaminedMax’sboundformthewayascientistwouldexamineaparticularlyinterestingspecimenbeneathamicroscope.“Thisisn’tyourusualstyle.”
Iflexedmyhandsintofists.
Maxsattiedtoachairinthemiddleofthebasement,hismouthduct-tapedshutandhisbodytwistinginafutilestruggleagainsthisties.Hisalcohol-inducedhazehadcleared,andIsawthestarkrealityofhissituationreflectedinhiseyes.
Good.
Iwantedhimtofeeleverysecondofthis.
“Myusualstyleisn’tworkingforme.”TherageI’dsuppressedduringmyworkshiftroaredback,drowningoutanyreservationsImight’vehad.
Iwasadoctor,notafighter.I’dpledgedtodonoharm.ButtheJoshthatmadethatpledgewasdifferentthantheoneinthisroom.Evenmemoriesofhimwerehazy,buriedbeneaththeweightofthepastweek’sevents.
IwalkedovertoMaxandrippedthetapeoffhismouth.Iwasn’tworriedaboutanyonehearingus.ThehousewasAlex’ssecretcityhideaway,theplacewherehewentwhenheneededtobealonebutdidn’thavetimeforalongertrip,anditwassoundproofedandsecuredenoughtomakeThePentagonweepwithenvy.
“Yourecognizeme.”Itwasn’taquestion.
Max’sawarenessofmyidentitywasobviousinthepinchofhismouthandtheburningflameofpanickedresentmentinhiseyes.
“Julestoldmewhatyoudid.Ohio,thepainting,theblackmail,everything.”Ibentuntilwewereateyelevel.“Youshould’veskippedtownwhenyouhadthechance.Stayingherewasastupidmove.PushingJulesdownthestairswasevenstupider.”
IsawAlexarchaneyebrowoutofthecornerofmyeye.Otherwise,hedidn’treacttothenewinformationormentionofJules.
“Shedeservedit.”Maxdidn’tdenymyaccusationlikeI’dexpected.Hemust’veknownitwouldn’tdohimanygood.“ThepeoplewhowantedthepaintingarepissedIlostit.They’reoutforblood.”Abeadofsweattrickleddownhisforehead.“Shefuckedmeoverandthoughtshecouldwalkawaywithnoconsequences.AftereverythingIdidforherwhenwewereyoung.Shehadnojob,nohome,andItookherin.YouthinkIwanttostayinthisfuckingcity?Ican’tgobacktoOhio,notwithoutthepainting.Shedeservedit!”
Hisvoicerosewitheachworduntilspittlefrothedathismouth.Hissour,whiskey-tintedbreathcloudedtheairbetweenusandmademystomachtwistwithdisgust.
“Thatsoundslikeapersonalproblem.Yougetinbedwiththewrongpeople,youpaytheconsequences.TheonlythingIcareabout…”Igrippedhisshoulderanddugmyfingersintothepressurepointsuntilhesqueakedwithpain.“…isthefactyouhurther.Thatwasabigmistake,Max.”
“Surprisedyou’restilltakinghersideafterwhatshedid,”Maxpanted.Malicemingledwiththeresentmentinhiseyes.“Shehurtmorethanshehelpedbyreturningthatpaintingtoyou.Myfriendswillbecomingforyounext,andthey’renotasniceasIam.”
Iwasn’tafuckingidiot.I’dalreadytookstepstomitigatethatpossibility,butMaxdidn’tneedtoknowthat
“Iwasn’tgoingtokillher.Ijustwantedtogiveherascare.Roughherupalittle,scareherintohelpingmeagain.”Max’seyesdartedaroundtheroom,searchingforhelpthatdidn’texist.“It’snotfairthatshekeepsgettingawaywithwhatshedid.Iwenttojailforsomethingwebothdidwhileshewenttoafancyschoolandmadefancyfriends.It’snotfair.Sheowesme!”
Hesoundedlikeapetulantchildthrowingatempertantrum.
“Sheonlygotintothatlifebecauseofyou.”Iclampeddownharderonhisshoulder.“Don’tactlikeyou’reaninnocentmartyr.”
“Soprotectiveofherevenaftersheliedandstolefromyou.”Max’slipcurled,hisdesireforacheapshotoutweighinganysenseofself-preservation.“Whatisit?Isitthepussy?Irememberitwasprettygood,especiallyherfirsttimewhenshebledallovermycock.There’snothinglikebreakinginavirgin.Butit’sprobablywornout—”
HissentencecutoffwithachokedcrywhenIslammedmyfistintohisface
Furydarkenedtheedgesofmyvision.TheworldnarroweduntiltheonlythingIcouldfocusonwasmyfierce,all-consumingneedtocausethemaninfrontofmeasmuchpainaspossible.
ButIwantedthistobeafairfight.Thatway,Icouldletloosewithoutanyguilt.
Iheldoutahand.Alexslidaknifeintomyopenpalm,andIslashedtheropesbindingMax.
Helurchedoutofhischair,buthedidn’tmakeittwostepsbeforeIhauledhimbackbyhiscollarandpunchedhimagain.
Thesatisfyingcrunchofbonerippedthroughtheair,followedbyahowlofpain.
Maxclutchedhisbrokennosewithonehandandswungatmewiththeother.Idodgedhisclumsyattemptwithlittleeffort,andIheardanothercrunchwhenmyfistconnectedwithhisjaw.
Mybloodsangwithexhilarationasthestorminsidemefinallyfounditsrelease.Everypunch,everysprayofbloodonmyfaceloosenedaninchofpressureinmychest.
Theaircrackledwithunleashedviolence,andsoon,thesnapofbonegavewaytothewetsoundofbloodiedflesh.
Sweatandbloodblurredmyvision,butIkeptgoing,fueledbymentalimagesofJules’sinjuriesandMax’searliertaunts.
Ididn’twanttodoit.Hewasblackmailingme…
TheypushedmewhenItriedtogetaway…
Isitthepussy?Irememberitwasprettygood,especiallyherfirsttimewhenshebledallovermycock.
Afreshwaveofragesweptthroughme,andIpunchedMaxhardenoughthathecollapsedontotheground.Hishandsscrabbledagainstthefloorashetriedtocrawlaway,buttherewasnowhereforhimtoescape.
“Please.”Hegaspedoutawet,gurglingplea.“Stop.Please…”
Ibarelyheardhim.
Itwasn’tjustJules.ItwasMichaelandAlexandeverypatientIlostintheER.Everybottled-uphurt,disappointment,andfrustrationfromthepastfewyears.IunleasheditallonMaxuntilhispleasdiedoffandhisbodyturnedlimp.
Myheartthunderedwithadrenaline.Ishould’vedonethissooner.ThiswastheoutletIneeded.
Ihauledmyarmbackforanotherblow,butfirmhandsclosedaroundmybicepsandpulledmeback.
“Josh.”Alex’svoicesplashedacoldbucketofwaterontheflamesconsumingme.“That’senough.”
“Getoffme,”Ibitout.Istrainedagainsthishold,desperateforanotherfix.Formorerelief.“I’mnotdone.”
“Yes,youare.Keepgoing,andyou’llkillhim.”Alexturnedmearoundwithoutreleasingmyarmsandpinnedmewithaglare.“Ifthat’swhatyouwant,fine.Butit’snot.”
“Youdon’tknowthat.”Myraggedbreathsechoedintheemptyspace.
Thebasementcontainednofurnituresaveforthechair,atable,anindustrialsink,andafridge.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutwhatactivitiesAlexusuallyconducteddownhere.ProbablysomethingsimilartowhatIjustdid.
“Iknowyou’renotthetypeofpersonwhowantsanother’sdeathonyourhands,”hesaidcalmly.“You’renotakiller,Josh.Besides,lookathim.You’vemadeyourpoint.”
Istaredattheunconsciousheapontheground.Max’sfacewasamangledmessofbloodandpulp.Stickydarkliquidpooledaroundhisbody,andifitweren’tforthefaintriseandfallofhischest,Iwould’vethoughthewasalreadydead.
Ididthat.Me.
Alexhadn’tlaidafingeronhim.
MyheartrateslowedthelongerIstaredatMax.Thesoftdripofthesinkinthecornerremindedmeofthedripofblood,andIwassuddenlyhyperawareofthecopperyliquidcoatingmyfaceandclothes.
I’dbeatenhimhalftodeath.
Bileroseinmythroat.
IwrenchedmyselfoutofAlex’sgraspandstumbledtothesink,whereIdryheaveduntilmythroatwasrawandmoistureburnedmyeyes.
Ihadn’teatensincebeforemyshift,sonothingcameout,butthatdidn’tstopnauseafromroilingmystomach.
WhatthefuckhadIdone?
Kidnapping.Assaultandbattery.Probablyadozenothercrimesthatwouldendmycareerifanyonefoundout.
IstartedoffwantingtomakeMaxpayforwhathedidtoJulesandendedupusinghimasmyhumanpunchingbag.
Fuck.
Iturnedonthetapandsplashedwateronmyface,hopingtowashofftheblood,butitsstainremainedevenafterthepinkishwaterranclearinthesteelbasin.
WhenIfinallyliftedmyhead,myskinnumbfromthechillofthewater,IsawAlexnexttome.Heleanedhishipagainstthecounterwithanunreadableexpression.“Feelbetter?”
“Yes.No.Idon’tknow.”IrubbedahandovermydampfaceandglancedatthestillunconsciousMax.Mystomachlurchedagain.“Whatarewegoingtodoabouthim?”
“Don’tworry.Hewon’tgotothepolice.”Alexwalkedovertohimandnudgedhisproneformwithdisdain.“It’smoretroublethanit’sworth.”
True.Maxwasonlyafewmonthsoutofjail,andhe’dalreadycommittedaggravatedassaultandwasinvolvedinaconspiracytocommitgrandlarceny.Ifthepolicelookedintohisbackground,hewasfucked.
“Andifhecomesafteruslater?”Iasked.
“Please.He’sacommonthieftryingtoplayinaleagueabovehisown.”Alexsoundedunimpressed.“Plus,ifwhathesaidwastrue,hehasenoughproblemstoworryaboutwithouttryingtotakerevengeonus.Whoeverwantsyourhideouspaintingwillkeephimbusy.”
“It’snothideous,”Igrowled.“It’sunusual,andit’sworthalotofmoney.”
I’dshoppedthepaintingaroundafterJules’sconfession.Itwastaintedwithbadmemories,andlikeMaxsaid,thepeopleafteritwouldcomeaftermeifIheldontoit.Iwasluckytheyhadn’talready.Iguesstheydidn’ttrustMaxenoughtofinishthejobJulesstarted.
TheonlywaytogetMax’smysterious“friends”offmybackandnotscrewoverthenextownerwastosellittosomeonenoonewoulddarestealfrom.
Ifinallyfoundasuitablebuyeryesterday,andwewerescheduledtosignthecontractintwodays,afterhereturnedfromabusinesstrip.
IassumedwhoeverwastrackingthepiecewouldknowI’dsoldit,butjustincasetheydidn’t,thebuyerpromisedtopublicizethesale.
“Enoughaboutthepainting.EvenifMaxwon’tcallthepolice,wecan’tjustleavehimhere.”Ifwedid,hemightverywelldieofbloodloss,andAlexwasright.Iwasn’tamurderer.Iwouldn’tbeabletolivewithmyselfifanyonediedatmyhands.
Theurgetovomitreturned.“Heneedsmedicalattention.”
Alex’ssighcontainedmultitudesofexasperation.“YouandAva.Sodrivenbyyourconsciences.Nowonderyou’resiblings,”hemuttered.“Fine.I’llsendsomeonetotakecareofhim.”
“Takecareofhimasin…”
Another,deepersigh.“Asinmedicalattention,Josh.I’mnotgoingtokillhim.Ibarelyknowhim.”
“Right.”WithAlex,itwasalwaysbesttodoublecheck.
Athissuggestion,Irinsedoffintheupstairsshowerandchangedintooneofhisspareoutfitswhilehetookcareofthesituation.
BythetimeIemerged,MaxwasalreadygoneandAlexsatinthelivingroom,scrollingthroughhisphone.
“Whatthefuck?Doyouhavemagicalhouseelvesorsomething?”Isanknexttohimonthecouch.
Ifeltbetteraftertheshower.Notgood,butbetter,thoughimagesofMax’sbloodiedformwouldhauntmeforalongwhile.
Iswallowedthelumpofguiltinmythroat.
“No.Ihaveahighlycompetent,highlypaidteam.”Alexdidn’tlookupfromhisphone.“Besides,youwereintheshowerforanhour.Ageriatricgrandmothercould’vetakencareofMaxinthattime.”
“Bullshit.Iwasintheretenminutes,tops.”
“That’snotwhattheclocksays.”
Iglancedatthegrandfatherclockinthecorner.Hewasright.It’dbeenoveranhoursinceIjumpedintotheshower.
ImentallyaddedlossoftimeawarenesstothelonglistofshitIneededtoworryabout.
“I’mgoingcrazy.”Iclosedmyeyesandpressedafisttomyforehead.“Whatthefuckishappeningtome?”
Ifeltlikeapassengerwhodidn’tknowtheirtrainhadflownofftherailsuntiltheylookedoutthewindowandsawthegroundrushingtowardthem.
Oneminute,Ilivedacharmedlife—popularandaccomplished,withagreatfamilyandgreatfriends.Thenext,itallburstintoflamesuntilonlyasheswereleft.
“Ifit’saboutMax,don’tfeeltoobad.He’sapieceofshit,andhehaditcoming.Buthe’llsurvive.”Alexslidaglanceinmydirection.“Youneveransweredmyquestionearlier.Doyoufeelbetter?”
Ihatedtoadmitit,but…“Yeah.”
Thedarkcloudthathadstalkedmefortwoyearswasstillpresent,butitwaslighter.Moremanageable.
“Good.NowexplainJulestome.”
“JesusChrist.”IcrackedmyeyesopenandglaredatAlex.Renewedtensionzippeddownmyspineandturnedmymusclesintostone.“There’snothingtoexplain,butifyou’recurious,she’sfive-sixwithredhair,hazeleyes—”
“Youalmostbeatamantodeathbecausehehurther,”Alexsaid.“Don’tinsultmebypretendingshedoesn’tmeananythingtoyou.”
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose,regretting,notforthefirsttime,myeighteen-year-oldself’sdecisiontobefriendthemansittingnexttome.
Still,afterkeepingmyrelationship—myformerrelationship—withJulessecretforsolong,itwouldbenicetotalkaboutitwithsomeone…evenifsaidsomeonehadtheemotionalrangeofateaspoon.
“YoupromisenottotellAva?”Iwasn’treadyforthatconversationyet.
“Ipromisenottobringitup,butifsheasksmeaboutitdirectly,I’lltellherthetruth.”Alexliftedhisshoulderinashrug.“Sorry.”
I’veneverheardanyonesoundlesssorryinmylife.ButthechancesofAvaaskingaboutmeandJuleswerelow;shestillthoughtwehatedeachother.
Afteralongmomentofdeliberation,IexplainedthewholesagatoAlex,startingwithmyandJules’sclinictruceandendingwithhervisittotheER.
WhenIfinished,thepressurehadresettledinmychest,andAlexstaredatmewithanuncharacteristicglintofdisbeliefinhiseyes.
“What?”
“Ninety-ninepercentofpeopleinthisworldareidiots,”hesaid.“Iregrettoinformyouthatyou’reoneofthem.”
Mybrowssnappedtogether.“I’mconvincedyoudon’tactuallywanttobemyfriendagain.”
Wherewastheasskissing?Theflattery?HegaveuphiscompanyandflewtofuckingLondonforAva,butIcouldn’tgetsomuchasasympatheticthatsucks,man?Talkaboutgettingtheshortendofthegrovelstick.
“I’llsendyouflowerslaterifyou’rethatupsetaboutit,”Alexsaiddryly.“Butfirst,listentoyourself.You’reinlovewithJules,forGodknowswhatreason,andyou’reupsetsheliedaftershetoldyouthetruth?”
Myshoulderstensed.“I’mnotinlovewithher.”
“Youalmostkilledsomeoneforher.”
“So?Youalmostkillsomeoneeveryday.It’snothingspecial.”
“Don’ttrytochangethesubject.You’rebadatit.”Alexflickedapieceoflintoffhispants.“YousayIdon’tactuallywanttobeyourfriendagain?ThenI’llgiveyousomethingyousayyouwantsomuch.Thetruth.”
“Whichis?”
“Thatyou’reastubbornfuckwho’stooblindtoseewhat’srightinfrontofyou.”
Mytensionhardenedintoamigraine.“Ichangedmymind.Idon’twantthetruth.”
AlexcontinuedlikeIhadn’tspoken.“Julesmayhaveliedtoyou,butshealsowillinglytoldyouthetruth.Ifshekepthermouthshut,youprobablywould’veneverfoundoutwhatshedid.Theonlyreasonsomeonewouldmakeanunpromptedconfessionlikethatisbecausetheywantafreshstart,andtheonlyreasonthey’dwantafreshstartwhentherelationshipisalreadygoingwellisbecausetheyrealizedsomething.”
Get.Out.
Ilo—
Don’tyoudaresayit.Isaid,getout,Jules.Getthefuckout!
Myheartslammedagainstmychestandbruisedmyribcagewitheachpainfulthud.
“Idon’thavetotellyouwhattherealizationis,”Alexsaid.“You’resmartenoughtofigureitout.Butaccordingtoyou,shedidn’ttellyouearlierbecauseshewasafraidofhowyou’dreact.Shedidn’tthinkyou’dtakeherside.Now,tellme.Howdidyoureactwhenshefinallytoldyou?”
Theoxygenintheroomthinned.
Forgetpainful.Everybreathwasdownrightexcruciating.
“I’mnotabigfanofJules,butyouaremybestfriend.Iwantyoutobehappy.”Alex’sfacesoftenedasmidge,butthatdidn’tblunttheharshnessofhiswords.“Youcan’tbehappyifyouhaveyourheadburiedsofarinthesandyouthinkyoucanjustwalkawayandforgether.TakeitfromsomeonewhotriedtodothesameoncewithsomeoneIlove.You’llbemiserableuntilyouresolvethesituation.”
I’dneverheardAlexuttersomanywordsinsuchashorttime.Iwould’vebeenmorestunnedhadInotbeenbusyreplayingtheminmymind.
Shedidn’ttellyouearlierbecauseshewasafraidofhowyou’dreact.Now,tellme.Howdidyoureact?
Itiltedmyheadbackandsqueezedmyeyesshutagain.“Oh,fuck.”
WhatthehellhaveIdone?51JULES
Myhospitalvisitwasabluroftestsandexaminations.Ihadacutonmyhead,severalnastybruises,ashouldersprain,andamildconcussion,butotherwise,Iwasprettylucky.Itcould’vebeensomuchworse.
Despitemyconcussion,Ioptedtofinishthebarexamthenextday.Ijustwantedtogetitoverwith.Plus,itwasmultiplechoice;ifworsecametoworse,Icouldbubblesomethinginandprayforthebest.
Ihandedinmytestandreturnedtheadministrator’ssmilewithatiredoneofmyown.
Itwasdone.Theresultswereoutofmyhandsnow.
Iwouldn’tknowwhetherornotI’dpasseduntilOctober,soImightaswellcelebratebysleepingforthenext,oh,seventy-twohours.
ExhaustionweigheddownmylimbsasIexitedtheexamroom,butnowthatthetestwasover,Icouldn’tstopreplayingyesterday’shospitalvisitinmyhead.
Obviously,IknewJoshworkedintheER,butIhadn’texpectedhimtoseehimforsomereason.
Myhearttwistedatthememoryofhiscold,clinicalexamination.Ididn’tthinkhewouldrushtomysideandforgivemejustbecauseIwasinjured,butI’dexpectedalittlemore…warmth?Empathy?Instead,he’dtreatedmelikeIwasjustanotherpatienthedidn’tpersonallyknow.
Politeandcompetent,butemotionallydetached.
Don’tthinkaboutit.Notnow.
Gettingtoocaughtupinmyheadwaswhatscrewedmeoveryesterday;ifIhadn’tbeensodistracted,Maxwouldn’thavebeenabletosurprisemelikethat.
Coldsweatbrokeoutonmyskin.Ididn’tthinkhe’dbestupidenoughtocomebackaseconddayinarow,butdesperatepeoplediddesperatethings.Iimaginedhis“friends”weren’thappyhe’dlostthepainting,andhewantedrevengeforwhathappenedinhishotel
I’dunderestimatedhiscapabilityforphysicalviolence.
Thenagain,iftherewasonerecurringthemeinmylife,itwasthatpeoplewereneverwhoIthoughttheywere.
IquickenedmystepssoIcouldsqueezeintotheelevatorbeforethedoorsclosed.Itwaspackedshoulder-to-shoulderandsmelledfaintlyoftunaandbodyodor,butitwasstillbetterthanthestairwell.Youcouldn’tpaymeenoughmoneytotakethestairsagain.
Ihitchedmybaghigheronmyshoulder,takingsolaceinthepeppersprayandtasersittinginsideit.I’dborrowedthemfromStella,who’dkeptthemonhandsincehershort-livedbutterrifyingepisodewithastalkerlastyear.
Asawell-knowninfluencer,shedealtwithherfairshareofcreeps,butthatguyhadcrossedtheline.He’dsentherdisgustinglettersdetailingwhathewantedtodotoherandmessagedhercandidphotosofherselfaroundtown,whichfreakedheroutsomuchshe’dgonetothepolice.Theyhadn’tbeenanyhelpatall,butluckily,thestalkerstoppedcontactingherafterafewweeksandshehadn’theardfromhimsince.
Iwastheonlypersonwhoknewaboutitsincewelivedtogether.IfStellahadn’tbeenconcernedabouttheguyshowingupatourhouse,shewouldn’thaveeventoldme.Shehadabadhabitofkeepingallherproblemstoherself.
Theelevatordoorsslidopen.
ThankGod.
Ilikedtuna;IdidnotlikethesmellofitmixedwithB.O.andhalfadozendifferentperfumes.
Iwalkedacrossthelobby,eagertoreturnhomeandbingeanotherpintoficecream.I’dinhaledsomuchBen&Jerry’soverthepastweekIwassurprisedIhadn’tballoonedoutofmyclothes.
I’dalmostreachedtheexitwhentwowordsstoppedmeinmytracks.
“Hey,Red.”
Mypulsespikedatthesoundofthatnickname,inthatvoice,here…
No.Itcan’tbe.
Mymindwasplayingtricksonmeagain.TherewasnowayJoshwashereafterthewayhe’dtreatedmeyesterday.
Amessyknotofemotiontangledinmythroat.
Severalpeoplebrushedpastmeandshotmestrangelooks.Iwasrootedtomyspotonthemarblefloor,andIwantedtomove.Ireallydid.Butmybodyrefusedtocomply,andallIcoulddowasstareattheexit,bothlongingtoreachitandhappytostayinmybubbleofdelusionforever.
Whatifitwashim?Whatifhewashere?Whatif…
Ashadowslicedacrossthesun-drenchedfloorbeforeabodymovedinfrontofmeandblockedtheexitfromview.
Islowlyraisedmyeyes,skimmingovertheT-shirt-cladchest,broadshoulders,andtensejawbeforeImetJosh’seyes.
Myheartwhimperedlikeawoundedanimaleagerforcomfortfromtheonlypersoncapableofprovidingit.
“Iwasn’tsureifyouheardme.”Hestuffedhishandsinhispockets.Hisbrowsweredrawntightoverworriedeyes,butatentativesmileplayedonhismouth.“Howdidthetestgo?”
“I—fine.”Icouldn’twrapmyheadaroundwhatwashappening.Itwastoosurreal.
Joshmightaswellbeadifferentpersonfromyesterday,andIwasn’tjusttalkingabouttheone-eightyinhisattitude.Gonewastheclean-cutdoctor;initsplacewassomeonegruffer,moreworld-weary.Stubbleshadowedhischeeksandjaw,hisskinhadtakenonapallidcase,andhishairlookedlikehe’drakedhisfingersthroughitathousandtimes.Regretfilledhiseyesandsentmystomachtumblingoffacliff.
Therewasonlyonethinghecouldberegretting,and—
Don’tgothere.
Ibittheinsideofmycheekuntilacopperytastefilledmymouth.Irefusedtogetmyhopesuponlyforhimtocrushthemagain.
“Canwegosomewheretotalk?”Joshsteppedtothesidetoletanotherpersonpass.“Ihave…”Hepaused,histhroatflexingwithahardswallow.“IhavesomethingIneedtotellyou.”
“Youcantellmehere.”Idiscreetlywipedmypalmsagainstthesidesofmythighs.Myshirtstucktomyskindespitetheicyblastsofairconditioning,andmyskinalternatedbetweenhotandcoldeachsecond.
“Okay.”Insteadofarguing,Joshtiltedhischintowardasidehallway.“Atleastlet’sgetoutofthewaybeforesomeonemowsusdown.Lawyersareanaggressivebunch,aspiringlawyersevenmoreso.”
Ashadowofhisdimpleappeared.
Ipuddledatthesightofit.OfthetopthreethingsImissedmost,hisdimplesatsquarelyatnumbertwo,afterhiskissandbeforehisplayfulinsults
Butwhereasmyinsideswereamessofemotions,myexteriorremainedfrozen.Icouldn’tsummonasmileforthelifeofme.
Josh’sdimpledisappeared,andheswallowedhardagain.
Somehow,Igotmylegstowork.Wewalkedtothehallwayinsilence,andJoshtwistedthedoorknobsuntiloneopened.Itrevealedanemptyoffice.Nofurniture,justawhiteboardandabluecarpet.ItwassohushedIcouldheareverythumpofmypulse.
Isteppedinsideandrubbedthesleeveofmysilkblousebetweenmyfingers,takingsolaceinthemindless,familiarmotion.“Whatareyoudoinghere?Don’tyouhavework?”
“ItradedshiftssoIcouldtaketodayoff.”Joshlockedthedoorbehindusandrakedhisgazeovermyface.Warmthbuzzedbeneathmyskinathisslow,thoroughperusal.“Iwantedtomakesureyouwereokay.”
Delirium,exhaustion,orbothpulledarustylaughfrommythroat.Itsoundedstrange,likeacarenginesputteringbacktolifeafteraweekofnon-use.
“I’mfine,butyoudidn’ttakethedayoffandshowuptomybarexamjusttomakesureIwasokay.”Afamiliarachecreptintomychest.“Youweretheonewhotreatedmeyesterday.YouknowhowI’mdoing.”
“Aboutthat.”TherewasnohintofasmileonJosh’sfaceanymore.“I’msorryifIcameoff…unconcerned.”
IshruggedascasuallyasIcould.“You’readoctor.Youwereprofessionalanddidyourjob.That’sallanyonecouldaskfor.”
“I’mnotjustyourdoctor,Jules.”
Theairsuffocatedmylungs.“You’realsomybestfriend’sbrother.”
“Morethanthat.”Hetookatinysteptowardme,andItookaninstinctivestepback.
Iraisedmychin,willingmyselfnottocry.I’dalreadyshedtoomanytearsoverhim.“Notanymore.”
Noonetakesmycockbetterthanyoudo.It’syourbestquality.
NomatterhowmanytimesIreplayedhiswords,theyslasheddeepeverytime
Thatwasthethingaboutsomeonewho’dseenthebestandworstofyou—theyknewexactlywhichbuttonstopush,whichwordswouldstingthehardest.
Josh’sjawticked,butinsteadofarguing,heswitchedthesubjectsosuddenlyitnearlygavemewhiplash.“IfoundMaxyesterday.”
“Youwhat?”Thisencounterwasgrowingmoresurrealbytheminute.
“IfoundMax,”herepeated.“Hewon’tbebotheringyouanymore.AlexandImadesureofit.”
“What…how…”Nothingmadesense.“YoutoldAlex?Whatdidyouguysdo?Youdidn’tkillhim,didyou?”
Iwasonlyhalfjoking.Iwouldn’tbedevastatedifMaxdied,butIalsodidn’twantJoshputtinghimselfinjeopardyforme.Alexwasacointoss,butJosh?Hewasn’takiller,andifhedidsomethinginafitofrage,itwouldhaunthimfortherestofhislife.
Theprospectofhimsufferinglikethatwasworsethananyblackmailorhurtfulwords.
“No.ButIwantedto.”AhardsmilecutacrossJosh’sface.“Alex,ofallpeople,talkedmedown.Iwon’tboreyouwiththedetails,butIpromise,ourpointcameacrossloudandclear.Maxwon’tcontactyouagain.”
“Whywouldyoudothat?”Hopereareditstreacheroushead,andIshoveditbackdown.Myhopesalwaysledtodisappointments.“Youdidn’tcarewhenIcameintothehospitalyesterday.”
Josh’seyesdarkenedfromrichchocolatetoendless,unnervingobsidian.
“Idon’tcare?”Anothersteptowardme,anotherstepback.
Ourdanceplayedtotherapidbeatsofmyheart,anditdidn’tenduntilmybackpressedagainthecoolwallandJoshcrowdedmewithhiswarmth.Whenhespokeagain,thelow,dangeroustimbreofhisvoicesentshiversripplingdownmyspine.
“IwalkedintothatroomandalmostlostmyshitwhenIsawyouwerehurt,myjobbedamned.IwantedtokillMaxforlayingahandonyou.That’snothyperbole,Jules.IfyousawwhathelookedlikeafterIwasdonewithhim…”Hisbreathskatedovermyskin.“Lucksavedhim.Butifhesomuchasbreathesinyourdirectionagain,Iwillriphisentrailsoutandstranglehimwiththem.Soyes,Red,Ifuckingcare.Somuchsoitterrifiesme.”
IwasfallingdownanotherhelplessspiralwherehiswordsweremyonlycushionandtheairsangsweetlyevenasIplummetedtowardpotentialdeath.
Hisquietpromiseofviolenceshould’vefrightenedme;instead,itsizzledthroughmyveinslikeanelectriccurrent.
“Youhateme.”Iwasbreathlessandaching,wishingsohardforwhathesaidtobetrueandutterlyterrifieditwasn’t.
“I’veneverhatedyou.”
“Liar.”
Hissoftlaughfilledeverymoleculeofairbetweenus.“Okay,onceuponatime,Ihatedyoualittlebit.”Hissmilefaded,hiseyesgrowingserious.“Idon’tknowwhatyoudidtome,Red.Butsomehow,Iwentfromwantingtokillyou…towillingtokillforyou.”
Mystomachtumbledfurtherintofreefall.AthousandgoldenbubblesfilledmeuntilIfeltlikeaballoonbeingcarriedawaybythewind.
Ididn’tknowwhatchangedsincelastweek,whenJosh—
RememberwhenIsaidIforgiveyou?Ilied.
Theballoonpoppedwiththeswiftnessofanassassin’sblade.
Joshwasn’tcruel.Hedidn’tmanipulatepeople’sfeelingsforfun.Butlastweek,hecould’vegivenAlexarunforhismoneyinthecrueltydepartment.
Whatifthiswasanotheroneofhistwistedgames?HesaideverythingIwantedtohear,butIdidn’ttrusthissuddenone-eighty.Aweekwasn’tlongenoughforsomeonetogetoverthefuryhe’ddisplayed.
“Forme,orformytightpussy?”Iasked,quotinghim.Mychinwobbled.“That’smybestquality,right?”
Painslashedacrosshisface.“Jules…”
“It’snotfairforyoutodothis.”Myvownottocrysplinteredasatearscaldedmycheek.“JustbecauseIjustfuckedupdoesn’tmeanyoucankeeptorturingme.Wehavetomoveon.”
Alowgrowlrumbledfromhischest.
Joshrubbedthetearawaywithhisthumb,histouchinfinitelygentle,buthiseyesblazedwithintensity.“There’snofuckingmovingon,”hegrowled.“Notforme.Notforus.”
“Youkickedmeoutofyourhouselastweek.”Freshhurtstrangledmylungs.“Youfuckedme,thenyoutossedmeasidejustlikeeveryoneelse.”
He’dbeenangry,andrightfullyso.Butthememoryofhiswords…thelookinhiseyes…
HeweaponizedthebiggestinsecurityIhadandturneditagainstme.
Joshblanched,andthepainonhisfacesharpenedintosomethingsovisceralitwould’vebrokendownmyresistancehadInotbeensoterrified.
AsmuchasIwantedJoshback,Icouldn’tputmyselfinasituationtobeusedormanipulatedagain.
“It’sbeenoneweek.Whatchanged?”Anothertearslippeddownmycheek.“Doyoumissthesex?Isthatit?”
“No!That’snot…”Joshpushedahandthroughhishair.“Iadmit,Ireactedpoorlywhenyoutoldmethetruth.Morethanpoorly.Iwasblindsided,andIwassofuckedintheheadfromeverythingthathappenedthepastfewyearsthatIlashedoutinthecruelestwayIthinkof.”HisAdam’sapplebobbedfromtheforceofhisswallow.
“EveryoneItrustedhasliedtome.Butyou…ItoldyouthingsI’venevertoldanyone.Thingsthathurttoadmiteventomyself.Yourbetrayalhitharderthananyoftheotherscombined,butthatwasmymistake.Thinkingitwasabetrayalwhenyouwerealsotheonlypersonwho’severtoldmethetruthofyourownaccord.Youdidn’twaituntilyouwerecaught,eventhoughyouprobablycould’vekeptitasecretforeverandIwould’veneverfoundout.AndI…”Hisvoicecracked.“Iwasanidiot.AndI’msorry.AndIlo—”
“Stop.”Icouldn’tbreathe.“Letmego.Please.”
Ineededtothink.Toprocess.Therewastoomuchgoingon,andIcouldn’t…Icouldn’t…
Isuckedinanothershallowinhale.Itdidnothingtoclearmylight-headedness.
“Ican’t.”Agonyscrapedhisvoiceraw.“I’lldoanythingyouwantexceptthat.”Joshloweredhismouth,hisheartawilddrumagainstmine.Iturnedbeforehemadecontact,terrifiedthatifIgaveevenaninch,he’dtakeallofmeandbreakthefewwholepartsIhadleft.
Hefroze,hisbreathsheavywithregret.“There’snolettingyougo,Red.Itwouldbeeasierifyouaskedmetotearmyheartoutwithmyownfuckinghands.”Herubbedanothertearfrommyface.“Yes,youmadeamistake,butIwascruel,andIsaidthingsInevershould’vesaid.”
Joshburiedhisfaceinmyneck.Dampnesstouchedmyskin,andIrealizedIwasn’ttheonlyonecrying.
“I’msorry,”hesaidhoarsely.“ForreactingthewayIdid.Forlashingoutatyouwhenyoutriedtodotherightthing.Fornotchoosingyouthewayyoudeservewhenyou’retheonlythingI’veeverwanted.”
Asmallsobroseinmythroat.
“I’msorry,I’msorry,I’msorry…”Hewhisperedthemantraashetrailedsoftkissesupmyneckandovermyjaw.“I’msofuckingsorry.”
Joshreachedmymouthandhoveredthere,seekingpermission.Seekingforgiveness.
Istaredatthefloor,myeyesburningwiththeefforttoholdbackhope.
“Please.”Hisraggedpleashreddedmyresistance.“Tellmewhattodo,Red.I’lldoanything.”
“I…”Betweenyesterday’sincidentwithMax,sittingforthebarexam,andthewayJoshscrambledmybrainseverytimehewasnear,Icouldn’tthinkproperly.Adullacheformedbehindmytemplesandblurredmyvision.“Ineedspace.Ijustneedto…Ineed…”
Everybreathbroughtinlessandlessoxygen.
IwantedtobelieveJosh,andIcertainlywasn’tblame-freeinourmess.Wasn’tItheonewhowantedhimtoforgivemeforlying?
Butnowthatthemomenthadcome,someinfuriating,intangiblethingpreventedmefromfullyembracingthesituation.
Whatifhewaslyingagain?
WhatifImadeanothermistakeandhewalkedawayforgood?
Whatifhewokeuponedayanddecidedhemadeamistake?
RememberwhenIsaidIforgiveyou?Ilied.
Whatgoodisithavingadaughterifyoucan’tdoonesimplethingright?
Onceawhore,alwaysawhore.
Noonetakesmycockbetterthanyoudo.It’syourbestquality.
Thejumbleofvoicesinmyheadsharpenedtheacheintoapiercingpain.Thewallspressedinuntilthephantomscrapeofwhiteplasteragainstmyskinroiledmystomach.
Iwasn’tclaustrophobic,butsometimesmythoughtstrappedmeinacagesosmallIsuffocatedwitheachbreath.
“Ican’tdothisrightnow.”Iblinked,tryingtoclearmyvision.“Giveme…givemesometime.Ijustneedtothink.”
Thepastforty-eighthourshadtossedmylifeintochaos,andIneededtogetmybearingsbeforeIcouldmoveforward.
Joshexhaledashudderingbreath.“Jules…”
“Please.”Myvoicebroke.
Heclosedhiseyesforabriefmomentbeforehepressedakisstomyforehead.“Okay.”Hisrawwhisperclawedatmyheart.“Takehowevermuchtimeyouneed.I’llwait.”
Forsomereason,hiswordssentafreshachethroughmychest.“Why?”
Noonehadeverwaitedforme.Icouldn’tfathomwhytheywould.
“Becauseyou’reitforme.Whetherit’stoday,tomorrow,ayear,ordecadesfromnow,that’llneverchange.”Josh’slipsbrushedagainstmyskinbeforehepulledback,hisfacetautwithemotion.“I’mhuman,Red.I’vemademistakesinthepast,andI’llmakemanymoreinthefuture.ButonemistakeI’llnevermakeislettingyougo,notwhenthere’sevenasliverofachanceleftforus.Becausethepossibilityofyouisbetterthantherealityofanyoneelse.”
Saltinesstrickleddownmycheeks.
“So,likeIsaid…”Joshbrushedawaymytear.“I’llwait.Foraslongasittakes.”52JULES
ItookthatFridayandMondayofffromtheclinicandreturnedtotheofficeTuesdaymorning,moreconfusedthanever.I’dspentthepastfewdaysagonizingoverJosh,butIstilldidn’tknowwhattodoaboutus.ThemoreIthoughtit,themoremyheadhurt,soitwasnicetosettleintothemindlessrhythmofworkagain.Atleastittookmymindoffmyuttermessofapersonallife.
Luckily,there’dbeenaninfluxofnewcaseswhileIwasout,andtheykeptmebusywellintotheafternoonuntilthebellsoverthefrontdoorchimed.
Wewereclosedforlunch,soithadtobeastaffmember…oravolunteer.
MyheartjumpedinmythroatwhenIturnedandsawJoshwalkin,stillwearinghisscrubsandsneakersfromthehospital.
Everyoneelsewaseatingoutorinthekitchen,soitwasjustthetwoofus.
“Hi.”Somehow,thewordmadeitpasttheparcheddesertofmythroat.
“Hi.”Joshstoppednexttomydesk,hiseyesdriftingtothebandagedcutonmyforehead.Avisibleswallowworkeditswaydownhisthroat.“How’sthecut?”
“Better.I’llsurvive.”Imusteredasmile.“Shouldn’tyouberestingrightnow?”
Nowthathewascloser,Icouldseethefaintpurplesmudgesbeneathhiseyesandthelinesofexhaustionbracketinghismouth.
“Ishould.ButIwantedtoseeyou.”
Aswarmofbutterfliessoaredthroughmystomachandleftatrailoftinglesintheirwake.“Oh.”
Oh?God,Isoundedlikeanidiot,butI’dlostallabilitytofunctionproperly.
Josh’slipscurvedwithafainthintofbitterness.He’dkepthispromisetogivemespacetothink,buttheairbetweenushummedwithsomanyunspokenwordsIwasdrowninginthem.
Frustrationwelledinmystomach.Whatwaswrongwithme?Whycouldn’tIletgoandgetbacktogetherwithhimthewayIwanted?Iwasn’tupsetabouthishurtfulwords.Iunderstoodwhyhelashedoutthewayhehad,butsomethingheldmeback
Joshopenedhismouthlikehewantedtosaysomethingelse,butafterabeat,hecloseditandwalkedtohisdesk.Weworkedintensesilenceuntilmyphonerangandinterruptedmypitifulattempttofocusontheclinic’slatestcase.
SurprisecoastedthroughmewhenIcheckedthecallerIDandsawwhowascalling.We’dexchangednumbersatBridget’swedding,butIhadn’texpectedtoactuallyhearfromhimagain.
“Hi,Asher,”IsaidafterIpickedup.
ThesoundofJoshtypingfellsilent
“Hey,Jules.”AsherDonovan’ssmoothdrawlflowedovertheline.“Sorryforcallingoutofnowhere,butI’llbeintowntomorrowforalast-minutetripandwantedtoseeifyou’refreefordrinks.I’dlovetocatchup.”
“I…”Asherwasgorgeous,charming,andaworld-famousathlete.Ishouldbealloverhisinvitation,especiallyconsideringhowmuchI’denjoyedourbriefbondingoveracertainBritishroyal’sdrunkenshenanigansatBridget’swedding.
Butinthatmoment,Iwasn’tthinkingaboutdrinkswiththemanPeoplemagazinedeemedTheMostEligibleBachelorinSports.Instead,Iwastryingmydamnhardestnottolookatthemansittinglessthantenfeetaway.
TheheatfromJosh’sstaresearedintomyskinanddistractedmesomuchIwasn’tevenstarstruckbythefactIwasonthephonewiththeAsherDonovan.
Theuniversereallywasthrowingeverythingatmeatonce,goodandbad.
“It’snotadate,”Asheradded.“Justtwofriendshangingout.And…okay,you’retheonlypersonIknowinthecity.ButI’dhangoutwithyouregardless.”
“Goodtoknow.”Ilaughed.“Buttomorrow…”Honestly,allIwantedwastosleepmynightsawaylikeI’dhadthepastweek,butmaybegoingoutwoulddomesomegood.It’dmakemefeelmorehumanandlesslikeasadshelltrudgingthroughthemotionsoflife.“Okay.Let’sdoit.TheBronzeGearatsix?It’sabardowntown.”
Theheatconsumingmyleftsideeruptedintoaninferno.Despitethefrigidairconditioningandmyflimsysilkblouse,sweattrickledbetweenmybreasts,andittookeveryounceofwillpowernottosneakapeekatJosh.
“Perfect,”Ashersaid.“I’llbeindisguise.Baseballcap,blueshirt.”
“Doesthatactuallywork?”Idoubtedamerebaseballcapcoulddisguisehim.Hisfacewasn’tonepeopleforgot.
“You’dbesurprised.Peopleseewhattheyexpecttosee,andnooneexpectstoseemehangingoutataD.C.baronaWednesdaynight.Seeyousoon,Jules.”
“Seeyou.”
WhenIhungup,thesilencewassooppressiveIsworeIcouldheartherushofmybloodthroughmyveins.
“AsherDonovan?”Josh’scasualquestionwasatoddswithhistightvoice
“Yes.He’llbeintownandwantstograbdrinks.”
Moresilence.
Whywasitsofreakinghotinhere?Iliftedmyhairoffmyshouldersandfinallyglancedtomyleft.Josh’sjawclenchedsotightIwassurpriseditdidn’tcrack.
Myheartskippedabeat.“It’snotadate,”Iaddedsoftly.
Ididn’tknowwhyIfelttheneedtoclarifythat.JoshandIweren’tdatinganymore,andmymeetupwithAsherwasplatonic.Still,afrissonofguiltsnakedthroughmeathisgraniteexpression.
“Maybeyoudon’tthinkit’sadate.”AgrimsmiletouchedJosh’smouthbeforeheturnedbacktohiscomputer.“Buttrustme,Jules.Anymanwouldbeanidiottoletyougoiftherewasevenachancewithyou.”
***
“IfiguredI’ddropbyD.C.,picksomepoisonousmushrooms,andusethemtoconcoctaspecialpre-gamebrew,”Ashersaid.“Whatdoyouthink?”
“Soundsgreat.”Ifiddledwithmystraw.
Aspromised,AsherandImetupthenextnightfordrinksatTheBronzeGear.Normally,I’dwanttohearallabouthislatestfeudwithanothermajorsoccerstar,butIwastoodistractedtopaymuchattentiontoourconversation.
WhatwasJoshdoingrightnow?Sleeping,probably.He’dshowedupagainattheclinicthatdayafteranotherlongshift,despiteBarbs’sinsistencehegohome.He’dlookedreadytocollapseathisdesk.
Shouldn’tyouberestingrightnow?
Ishould.ButIwantedtoseeyou.
Asher’slaughdraggedmeoutofmythoughts.“Partofmeisoffendedyou’resoblatantlyignoringme.”Histonewasdrierthanthegininhisglass.“Anotherpartisintrigued.”
Heatwarmedmycheeks.Admittedly,Iwasawfulcompanyrightnow.
IalsobetAsherdidn’tgetignoredoften,andnotonlybecausehewasaBallond’Orwinner.Ifheweren’tsuchatalentedsoccerplayer,he’dmakeakillingasamalesupermodel.
Sculptedcheekbones,greeneyes,darkhair…andIfeltnothingexceptmyearlierfrustrationovermysituationwithJosh.
IpissedmyselfoffsometimesformorereasonsthanIcouldcount.
“Youregocantakeit,”Isaidlightly,tryingtoshakeoffmymelancholy.“ThoughI’msurprisedthecapisactuallyworking.”
Asherhadpulledhisbaseballcapsolowitshadowedhalfhisface,andhisplainT-shirtandjeanswereafarcryfromthestylishoutfitsheusuallywore.Thickstubblecoveredhisusuallyclean-shavencheeksandjaw.Still,Iwassurprisedbyhowmanypeoplepassedbyuswithoutsparinghimasecondglance.
Hewasright.Peoplesawwhattheyexpectedtosee.
“WhyareyouinD.C.,anyway?”Iasked,switchingsubjects.“Yousaidyouwereintownforalast-minutetrip?”
“Can’tsay,ormyagentwillkillme.”Asherfinishedhisdrink.“ButIhaveseveralmeetingsintheU.S.,andoneofthemisinD.C.”
IwassurprisedhisU.S.tripwasn’talloverthenews.Thenagain,Ididn’tfollowsportsupdates,somaybeitwas,andIjustdidn’tknow.
“Doesitfeelweird,beingsofamous?”Iasked.Icouldn’timaginehavingmyeverymovedissected.
“Itwas,butIgotusedtoit.”Heflashedasardonicsmile.“CanItellyouasecret?”WhenInodded,hesaid,“Ineverwantedtobefamous.”
Myeyebrowsshotup.“Comeon.”
Somecelebritiesshiedawayfromthespotlight,butAsherseemedtothriveinit.Hewasalwaysdatingthelatestsupermodel,drivingthefastestcar,andattendingthehottestparty.
“It’strue.”Heleanedbackinhischair.“There’sacertainliberationtobeingaso-callednobody.Noexpectations,nopressure,justmeandmyloveforthegame.Forthelongesttime,IheldmyselfbackbecauseIwasafraidofhittingthebigtime.Me,anobodyfromBerkshire,playingforthebiggestclubsandagainstthebestplayersintheworld?Ididn’tdeserveit.ButIlovefootball—orsoccer,asyouAmericanscallit—andthatmindsetaffectedmygame.Ididn’tevenrealizeuntilmyoldcoachcalledmeoutonit.Andnow…”Ashershrugged.“LikeIsaid,Igotusedtothefame.Butmoreimportantly,Icanplaytomypotential.Ijusthadtogetoutofmyownway.”
Ididn’tdeserveit.
Thewordsechoedinmyheadandfilledmylungswithsudden,icyrealization.OhGod.MaybethereasonwhyI—
“Enoughaboutme,”Ashersaid.“Let’stalkaboutwhythatguyisstaringatmelikehewantstoripmyheadoffforthepastfifteenminutes.”Hetiltedhischintowardsomeoneovermyshoulder.
Hadsomeonefinallyrecognizedhim?
Iturned,andmyrealizationgavewaytoshockwhenIsawJoshsittingafewtablesover.Ihadmybacktothedoor,soIhadn’tnoticedhimarrive..
Insteadoflookingaway,Joshheldmygaze,hiseyesdarkandhisjawlinedwithtension.Theairsuddenlycrackledwithanelectricitythatlitupmynerves.
“He’stheguyfromthewedding,right?”Asherdrewmyattentionbacktohim.Amusementglowedinhiseyes.“Boyfriend?”
“Notreally.”Notanymore.
Theamusementdeepened.“It’scomplicated,then.”
“Youcouldsaythat.”Complicated,messy,andoneofthefewbeautifulthingsI’dexperiencedinmylife.
EventhoughIwasnolongerlookingatJosh,thesparksfromourtwosecondsofeyecontactremained.
Ididn’tdeserveit.
Ijusthadtogetoutofmyownway.
AnyinterestIhadincontinuingdrinkswithAsherdissipatedintodust.“I’msosorry,but—”
“Go.”Hewavedmeoff.“Ihadafeelingournightwouldbecutshort.AndI’mninetypercentsuremycoverisblown,sosaveyourselfwhileyoucan.”
Ifollowedhisgazeandspottedtwomenbeeliningtowardus,theireyesfixedonAsherwiththeenthusiasmofoverzealousfans.
Yikes.“Goodluck.”
Asherlaughed.“Thanksforthat,andforkeepingmecompanyforafewhours.Ifyou’reeverinManchester,letmeknow.”
“Iwill.”
Igotoutofthererightasthemenreachedourtable.
“AreyouAsherDonovan?”oneofthemasked.“I’mahugefan!ThatgoalyouscoredagainstBarcelonalastyear…”
Ishookmyhead,hopingAsherdidn’tgetmobbedonceeveryonefiguredoutwhohewas.Butlikehesaid,hewasusedtoit.Ihadafeelinghecouldtakecareofmyself.
I,ontheotherhand,hadabiggerissuetodealwith.
InsteadofapproachingJosh,Iexitedthebarandlingeredoncornerofthesidewalkoutside.TheBronzeGearwasgettingmorecrowded,andIdidn’twanttoholdaconversationinthere.
Asexpected,Joshappearedlessthanaminutelater.
“You’renotverysubtle,”Isaid.Despitethethicksummerheat,goosebumpspepperedmyskin.
“I’mnotheretobesubtle,Red.”Hestoppedinfrontofme.
Warmthdrippedfromtheairandintomyveins.“Whatareyouherefor,then?”Iattemptedtosoundlighthearteddespitethefluttersinmychest.“Areyoustalkingme,JoshChen?”
“Areyoutryingtoforgetme,JulesAmbrose?”
Igulpedathisdarktone.
“Becauseifyouare…”Joshtookanothersteptowardme.“It’snotgoingtowork.”
Theflutterswentwild.“Youhaveanawfullyhighopinionofyourself.”
Ahardsmilecutacrosshisface.“IpromisedI’dgiveyouallthetimeyouneeded,andIwill.ButI’mnotgoingtositbackwhileyoudateotherguys,Red.”
“Itoldyouitwasn’tadate.”
“AndItoldyouIdon’tshare.Notwhenitcomestoyou.”Josh’seyesburnedintomine.“Idon’tgiveafuckifhe’samultimillionaireandplasteredoneverymagazineintheworld.HecouldbetheKingoffuckingEngland,buthe’llnevergiveyouwhatI’mwillingtogiveyou.”
Thegoosebumpsmultiplied.“What’sthat?”
“Everything.”He’dclosedthedistancebetweenusuntilourmouthswereonlycentimetersapart.Istoodmyground,buttheelectricityfromearlierreturnedinfullforceandbuzzedthroughmyveins.Therewereahandfulofotherpeopleonthesidewalk.Theyweren’tcloseenoughtohearus,butitdidn’tmatteranyway.Therestoftheworlddidn’texistwhenJoshwasnearme.“Myheart.Mysoul.Mydignity.Whatdoyouwantmetodo,Jules?”Hisvoicesplinteredintosomethingjaggedandpainful.“Doyouwantmetofuckingbeg?Saytheword,andI’llbeonmyknees.”
Moisturegatheredbehindmyeyes.Ishookmyhead,mychestaching.
Whatareyousoafraidof?
Ididn’tdeserveit.
Ijusthadtogetoutofmyownway.
Josh’squestionfromBridget’sweddingechoedinmyhead.Ididn’thavetheanswerthen,butIhaditnow.
Iwasafraidofme.
EvenwhenIstartedfallingforJosh,partofmeknewwewouldn’tworkoutaslongasIwaskeepingasecretfromhim.Butnowthatnothingstoodinourway,Iwasterrified—ofbeinghurt,ofnotbeingenough,andofactuallybeinglovedwhenIdidn’tdeserveit.
Iwasn’tthelittlegirlfromOhioanymore,butsomethingsweresoingrainedfromchildhoodthattheybecameapartofuswithoutusevenknowing.Afteralifetimeofbeingunwanted,Ihadnocluehowtohandlesomeonewhowasn’twillingtowalkaway.
MaybeitwastimeIlearned.
“Promisemewe’rereal,”Iwhispered.
Icoulddragthisout,maketriplesurehewouldn’tbreakmyheartagain.ButIwassotiredofresistingandsabotagingmyself.Afteryearsofswimmingagainstthecurrent,itwastimetosinkintosomethingIwantedforonce,nomatterwhereittookme.
Andattheendoftheday,nograndgesturematchedthatofmakingapromise…andkeepingit.
Joshcuppedmyfacewithhishands.“Ipromise.”Atinysmiletippedhislips,andhiseyessearchedminewithcautioushope.“You’restuckwithmeforever,I’mafraid.”
Hiswordssankintomyskinandfilledeveryinchofmewiththeirwarmth.
Justletgo,Jules.
Afteronelastbeatofhesitation,mylipspartedintentativeinvitation.
ReliefexplodedacrossJosh’sfacebeforehetookit,hismouthmovingovermineinadeep,almostdesperatekissthatmademytoescurl.Imeltedagainsthim,savoringthetasteandfeelofhimagain.
Mychestloosened,andeverynerveendingsparkedwithawareness.
Somekissesyoufeltinyourbones.ThisoneIfeltinmysoul.
“Twelvedays,eighthours,andnineminutes.Ispenteverysecondthinkingofyou.”Josh’slipsbrushedagainstmineashespoke.“IthoughtIknewwhatIwantedbefore.Becomingadoctor,chasingthenexthigh.Beingthemostpopular,mostlikedpersonintheroom.Ithoughtthosethingswouldmakemehappy,andtheydid.Temporarily.Butyou…”Herestedhisforeheadagainstmine.“You’retheonlythingthatcouldmakemehappyforever.”
Ichokedoutahalflaugh,halfsob.“Careful,Chen.Keepsayingthingslikethat,andImightneverletyougo,”Isaid,mirroringhiswordsfromourfirstdate.
Thatbeautifuldimpleofhisappearedinallitsglory.“I’mcountingonit.”Hecurledhishandaroundthebackofmyneckandpressedanother,softerkisstomylips.“Incaseit’snotclear,Ifuckingloveyou,JulesAmbrose,evenwhenyoudrivemecrazy.Especiallywhenyoudrivemecrazy.”
“That’sbecauseyou’reamasochist.”Icouldn’tcontainmysmile.“It’sokay.Iloveyouanyway.”
Itwasmyfirsttimesayingthosewordstoaguy,buttheydidn’tfeelstrange.Theyfeltlikethey’dalwaysbeenthere,justwaitingfortherighttimeandrightpersonbeforetheyrevealedthemselves.
Josh’shandstilled.“Saythatagain.”
“Iloveyou,”Ibreathed,bodythrumming,heartsofullitcouldburstatanysecond.
Asmallgrinblossomedonhisface.“Damnright.I’mprettyfuckinglovable,unlessI’mbeinganass…whichIwasfortheweekafteryoutoldmeaboutthepainting.”Heglancedatthegroupofteenagersstaringatus,andIrealizedwewerestartingtoattractattentionfrompassersby.“Butmaybeweshouldcontinuethissomewheremoreprivate.”
Myapartmentwasonlytwoblocksaway.Stellawasn’thome,andwebarelymadeitintomybedroombeforeJoshkissedmeagainandsanktohiskneesbeforeme.
“Twelvedays,twelveorgasms.”Hepushedupmyskirt,hisbreathwarmagainstthesensitiveskinofmythighs.“Thatseemsfair,don’tyouthink?”
Asmallfirekindledinmylowerbelly.“What—”
Myquestiondiedanignobledeathwhenhepushedmypantiesasideandranhistongueovermyclit.
OhGod.
IfistedJosh’shairashelickedandsuckeduntilmyorgasmricochetedthroughme.Ididn’tgetachancetocomedownfrommyhighbeforehedelvedinagain,andsoon,Iwaslittlemorethanagasping,bonelessmess.Ifitweren’tforhisstronghandsbracingmyhipsandholdingmeup,Iwould’vealreadycollapsed.
Butdespitetheorgasmsrockingthroughmeandthethickscentofsexintheair,whatweweredoingdidn’tfeellikesex.
Itfeltlikelove.53JOSH
“Thiswasn’twhatIhadinmindwhenyousaidwe’llcontinuethingsatyourhouse.”Jules’ssoftgrumblewasmuffledbymypillow.
IsuppressedalaughasIicedhershoulderwithatowel-wrappedicepack.“Ineversaidwhatthethingswouldbe.”
AfterIthoroughlyapologizedatherapartment,wetookthetraintomyhousebeforeStellacamehome.Theminutewedid,IhadJulesliedowninmybedsoIcouldtendtoherinjuries.
She’llfullyhealinafewweeks,butthethoughtofherinanysortofpain,evenifitwastemporary,mademyhearttwist.
“Itwasimplied.Ifeelmisled.Bamboozled.Falselyadvertisedto.”Julesliftedherheadtoglareatme.“Where’smymakeupsex,Chen?”
Mylaughbrokefree.“Wereyourearlierorgasmsnotenough?”
Iskimmedmyfingersuphernecktoherface,whereIpushedastrandofhairoutofhereye.Theentiretrainridehome,Icouldn’tstopstaringather,afraidshewoulddisappearifIlookedawayfortwolong.
There’dbeeneverychanceJuleswouldn’tforgivemeforhowItreatedher,andIwouldn’thaveblamedherifshehadn’t.
ButthankthefuckingLordshehad.
Youfuckedme,thenyoutossedmeasidejustlikeeveryoneelse.
Anachepiercedmychestatthememoryofherwords.
God,Iwassuchanass.
“Oralsexisn’tthesame.”Jules’swordsmorphedintoasoftsighwhenIkissedherneckandgentlystrokedherwetness.
“Youwantmeinsideyou,Red?”
Ashudderrolledthroughherbody.“Yes.”
Myalready-stiffcockhardenedfurtheratthebreathyhopeinhervoice,butIheldstrong.“Youhaveashouldersprain,Jules,nottomentionbruisesallover.Youcouldexacerbateyourinjuries.”
Sheletoutanother,lesspleasurablesigh.“ThisiswhatIgetfordatingadoctor,isn’tit?”
“Hmm.”Thecornerofmymouthtippedatherexasperation.“Therearebenefitstodatingadoctor,though.Forexample…”IpushedonefingerinsideherwhileIkeptmythumbonherclit.“I’mverygoodwithanatomy.”
Jules’sgrumblemeltedintoastringofmoansasshearchedintomyhand.Ikissedmywaydownherchestandbarestomach,andhermoanturnedintoacrywhenIspreadheropenanddelvedinwithmytongue.Stroking,sucking,licking.Worshipingherlikeitwaspenanceandshewasmysalvation.
“Josh…I’mgoingto…”Jules’ssoftgasparrowedstraightintomyheart.“Insideme.Please.Iwanttocomewhenyou’reinsideme.”
Ipausedandgroaned.MyhearthammeredsohardIfeltitineveryinchofmybody,andmycockwasclosetoexploding.“You’rekillingme,Red.”
Weshouldn’t.Shewasinjured.Theyweremildinjuries,butstill.Thesmartthingwouldbetowaituntilshewasfullyhealed.
ButGodhelpme,Icouldn’tdenyheranythingwhenshewaspleadinglikethat.
Againstmybetterjudgment,Iliftedmyheadandroseuntilwewereeyelevelagain.
“It’sgoingtobealittlesoftertoday,okay?”Ibrushedanotherstrandofhairoutofhereyes.
JulesnoddedwithsuchenthusiasmIalmostlaughedagain,butanyhumordiedwhenIrolledonacondomandpushedinsideher,inchbyinch,untilIfilledhercompletely.
Hermoanmingledwithmine.
Shefeltsofuckinggood.Tightandwetandmadeforme,likeshewasthejigsawpuzzleI’dbeenmissingallmylife.
Myskinmistedwithsweatfromtheeffortofholdingbackanorgasm,andIletoutasoftwarninggrowlwhenJulestightenedaroundme.
“Can’thelpit.”Herbreathscameoutinshortpants.“You’retoobig.”
Wheneverwewentevenafewdayswithoutsex,shehadtoadjusttomysizealloveragain.
“Andyoutakeeveryinchbeautifully.”Ipulledout,thenslidbackinwithaslow,smoothglide.Julessquirmedalittle,buthermusclesgraduallyrelaxed,andpridelitmychest.“That’sit.Justlikethat.You’redoingsowell.”
Jules’sfaceflushedwithpleasure.“Josh…”
“Yourpussywasmadeforme,Red.Everypartofyou,madeforme.”MyownbreathsharshenedasIincreasedthepace.Thesensual,languorousrhythmwasaoneeightyfromourusualrough,furiousfucking,butinaway,itwasevenhotter.
IcouldsavoreveryglideofmycockintoherandeveryoneofherwhimpersandmoansasIfuckedawayeverybadmemoryfromourlasttimetogether.
“Don’tholdback,”Igrowledwhenherteethsankintoherbottomlip.Icouldtellfromthetensenessofhermusclesthatshewasabouttocome.“Iwanttohearyoursweetscreams.”
Ireacheddowntorubherclit,pressingwithjustenoughpressuretotipherovertheedgewhileIpickedupthepace.AcryofpleasurerippedfromJules’sthroat.Herbackarched,andIgruntedatthesensationofhertightpussywallspulsingaroundme.
Mychestexpandedatthesightofherlikethis—completelyundoneandsobeautifulIcouldn’tlookawayifmylifedependedonit.
“That’sit.”Irubbedmythumboverhercheekandleaneddowntokissher.Hard.“Goodgirl,”Iwhispered.“Ilovehearingyouscreamforme.”
Jules’swhimpersshotstraighttomycock,anditdidn’ttakelongbeforeIcamewithaloudgroan.
Irolledoffher,notwantingtojostlehershoulder,andwelaythereincontentedsilenceuntilwecaughtourbreath.
Sexwasgreat,butthispart?Theonewherewebaskedintheglowandeachother’spresence?Itwasevenbetter.
IturnedonmysideandwrappedanarmaroundJules’swaist,drawinghercloser.Inevergaveafuckaboutcuddlingbeforeher,butIlovedhavingherinmyarms.Itjustfelt…right.
“How’syourshoulder?”
“Stillattached.”Juleslaughedatmyscowl.“It’sfine.See?Wehadsex,andIdidn’tdie.”
“Notfunny.”Ididn’tevenwanttojokeaboutherdying.“I’mcheckingyourshoulderagainlater,justincase.”
“Yes,Dr.Chen,”sheteased.“Doyouofferthesekindsofhands-oncheckupstoeverybody,oramIspecial?”
“Ionlyofferthemtomymoststubborn,infuriating,painintheasspatients.TheonesIcan’tstopthinkingabout.Luckily…”Ismoothedmypalmoverthecurveofherass.“Ionlyhaveoneofthose.”
Jules’sbreathhitched.“Luckyme.”
“Luckyyou,”Idrawled,acockysmileformingonmylips.
“Arrogantass.”Shelaughedbeforeherfaceturnedserious.“Doyoustillhavethepainting?Max’sassociateswillcomelookingforit,andIdon’t—”
“Itookcareofit.”
“How?”
“You’llsee.”
Shewinkledhernose.“Crypticmuch?”
“It’sasurprise,Red.You’llsee,”Irepeated.
Juleshuffedanddroppedthesubject,butIcouldtellshewasintrigued.Nothingpiquedherinterestlikeasurprise.
Now,allIhadtodowasfigureouthowtorevealit…afterIfiguredouthowtoretrievethosemusicalticketsIdestroyedlastweek.Icouldfoldboththingsintoone.
Igrazedmyknucklesoverherbackinlazystrokes,contentjusttolistentoherbreathe,whilesheyawnedandburiedherfaceinmychest.Nowthatthehighfromsexwaswearingoff,exhaustionlinedherfaceandshadowedhereyes.
“We’regoingtohavetotellAva,youknow,”shemumbled.“Eventually.Someday.”
“Don’tremindme.”IgrimacedatthethoughtofAva’sreaction.“Howlongdoyouthinkweshouldwait?Ayear?Adecade?”
“Adecade,ormaybeacentury.Acenturysoundsgood.She’llbeso…”Jules’svoiceslowlydriftedoff.
Ipeekeddownather.Outcold,justlikethat.
BetweenwhathappenedwithMax,herbarexam,andourmakeup,shemustbewornout.
Ikissedthetopofherheadandtuckedherclosertome.
WecouldworryaboutAvalater.
Fornow,Iwantedtoenjoythemomentsthatbelongedonlytous.54JOSH
IrubbedareassuringhandoverJules’sbackaswesteppedofftheelevatorandstraightintoanapartmentthatlookedlikeit’dbeenliftedfromthepagesofArchitecturalDigest.
Lightgraywalls,blackmarblefloors,goldfixtures.Itscreamedbachelorpad,butunliketwoyearsago,feminineaccentsnowaddedasoftertouch:abouquetofwhitelilieshere,awatercolorpaintingthere.
“We’llbefine,”IwhisperedtoJules.
We’dbothfuckedupinourownways,butwecouldfinallymoveonfromthepasttogether…afterweclearedourlasthurdle.
“Easyforyoutosay,”shewhisperedback.“You’reabloodrelation.I’mnot.”
“Shelovesyoumorethanme.”
“Hmm.That’strue.”
MylaughdiedwhenAvametusattheprivateelevatorentrancetotheapartmentshesharedwithAlex.IquicklydroppedmyhandfromJules’sback.
We’dfinallyscroungedupthecouragetotellAvathetruthaweekafterwemadeup,butallthatcouragediedinthefaceofmysister’sexpectantsmile,whichmeltedintosuspicionwhenshesawJulesstandingbymyside.
I’dcalledtotellherIwascoming,butI’dleftoutthepartaboutbringingJules.Ididn’twantherpiecingtwoandtwotogetherbeforewetoldherourselves.
Thenagain,thatmight’vebeenasmartermove.Lethergettheshockoutofhersystembeforewesawher.
Dammit,Chen.
Well,itwastoolatenow.Wehadtofacethemusicasitcame.
Ipastedonmymostcharminggrin.“Hey,sis.Youlookabsolutelyravishingtoday.Here.”IshovedaboxcontainingherfavoriteCrumble&Bakeredvelvetcakeather.“Ibroughtyouagift.”
Avadidn’ttakethecake.Instead,hereyesrovedbetweenmeandJules,whostoodnexttomewithanoverlybrightsmileofherown.
“Whatareyoudoingheretogether?”Hersuspicionvisiblydeepened.“You’renotgoingtoaskmetomediateanotherargument,areyou?Becauseyou’rebothgrownadults.”
JulesandIexchangedaquicklook.
Maybeweshould’vecomeupwithabetterplanthanbringAvacaketobutterherup.
AlexcameupbehindAvaandnotchedaneyebrowwhenhesawtheCrumble&Bakebox.
Really?That’syourplan?Hedidn’thavetosaythewordsformetohearthem,loudandclear.
Iglaredathim.Shutup.
Herepliedwithasmirk.
Asshole.
Heseemedtohaveforgottenthatheoncesnuckaroundmybacktodatemysister.
“Let’stalkaboutthisovercake,”Juleschirped.“Nothinglikeredvelvettostartthenightright.”
Avacrossedherarmsoverherchest.“Ineedtositdownforwhateveryou’reabouttotellme,don’tI?”
“Maybe.Probably.”Iclearedmythroat.“Definitely.”
Thefourofussettledinthelivingroom—AvaandAlexononecouch,meandJulesoppositethem.Itwasnearsunset,andthedyingraysoflightstreamingthroughthewindowssplicedtheroomintohalfshadow,halfgoldenwarmth.
Thecakeboxsatonthecoffeetablebetweenus,unopened.
“So,thereasonwe’reheretogetherisbecause,uh,wecametogether,”Julessaid.
Alexsighedandrubbedahandoverhisface.
“Andthereasonwecametogetherisbecause…”C’monman,it’saBand-Aid.Ripthatfuckeroffanddealwiththeconsequenceslater.“We’redating,”Ifinished.
Avastaredatuswithablankexpression.
“Romantically,”Julesclarified.
“Boyfriendandgirlfriend,”Iadded.
Moresilence.
Avahadn’tmovedsincewestartedtalking,whichwasn’tgood.
Abeadofsweattrickleddownmyspine.
Itwascrazy.Ishouldn’tbescaredofmylittlesister.ButchattyAvawasnormal;silentAvawaskindaterrifying.
Then,shedidthelastthingIexpected.Sheburstintolaughter.Shecoveredherface,hershouldersshaking,whileJulesandIexchangedanother,worriedglance.
Fuck,didwebreakmysister?
“Goodone,”Avagaspedinbetweenbreaths.“Youalmosthadme.”Shetriedtostraightenherfaceonlytocollapseintolaughteragainasecondlater.
“Uh…”OfallthewaysIpicturedthisconversationgoing,Avalosinghermarbleswasn’toneofthem.
Julesknockedherkneeagainstmine.“Shethinkswe’rejoking,”shehissed.
“Iknow.”Iclearedmythroat.“Ave…”
“Honestly,I’mimpressedyouguysputasideyourdifferenceslongenoughtocomeupwiththisplan.”SomeofAva’smirthhadfinallysubsided,thoughhergrinremained.
“Ave…”
“IsthispaybackforVermont?Becausethatwasmonthsago,andIhadnoideathere’donlybeonebed.”
“Ava,we’renotjoking!”
Mydeclarationrangthroughtheroom,followedbythick,stunnedsilence.
Mysister’sgrindisappeared.“You’renot…”Hereyesdartedbetweenusagain,takinginourtenseexpressionsandthewayourthighstouched.Horrordawnedonherface.“You’reactuallydating?Howisthatpossible?Youhateeachother!”
“Welllll…”Idraggedthewordout.“Notanymore.”
Juleschimedin.“We’vebeenworkingtogetherattheclinic—”
“Itstartedasanostringsattachedkindathing—”
“Wedidn’tplanforthistohappen—”
OurvoicesoverlappedinarushedexplanationbeforeAvaheldupahandandcutusoff.“Howlonghaveyoubeendating?”
Iwinced.“Er,aweekthistimearound.”
“Whatdoyoumean,thistimearound?”
Goddammit.Wedefinitelyshould’vecomeupwithascriptforthis.
Sinceitwastoolate,JulesandIforgedaheadandtoldAvaeverything,startingwithoursex-onlyarrangementandendingwithourreconciliationlastweek.WeleftouttheuglydetailsaboutMaxandchalkedourbreakupuptoamisunderstanding,butotherwise,itwasaprettycomprehensivesummary.
Bythetimewefinished,Ava’sskinhadtakenonafaintgreentint.Sheglaredatme.“You’retellingmeyou’vebeensleepingwithmybestfriendformonths?”ShepointedatJules.“Andyou’vebeensleepingwithmybrotherformonths?Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellmeearlier!”
Julesgaveahelplessshrug.“IneverfoundtherighttimetotellyouIwasbangingyourbrother.”
ThegreentintonAva’sskindeepened.
“Youdidthesamewithhim!”IgesturedtowardAlex,whowatchedthesceneunfoldwithaboredexpression.Hedidn’teventrytohelp.Traitor.“YouguysweredatingformonthsbeforeIfoundout.Don’tbeahypocrite.”
“Thatwasdifferent,”Avagrowled.“Wedidn’tloatheeachotherwithaburningpassion,thenturnaroundandstartmakingout.”
“Iknowthisisashock,consideringmypast…differenceswithJosh.”Jules’sbottomlipdisappearedbetweenherteeth.“Butwithusworkingtogetherattheclinicandseeingeachothersomuch,itjustsortofhappened.Wereallyhadn’tplannedtokeepitfromyouforsolong.Wejustweren’tsureitwasevengoinganywhere,andwedidn’twanttotellyouuntilwewere.Itwouldmakethingstooawkward.”
“Right.”Avaclosedhereyesandtookadeepbreath.“Alex,bringmeaknife.”
Ipaled.“Whoa,whoa,whoa!”IhelduponehandanddrewJulesclosertomewiththeother.“I’myouronlybrother.Youloveme.RememberwhenIgaveyouthelastofmyMilkDudsatthemovietheater?Goodtimes.”
AvaignoredmeuntilAlexreturnedwiththerequestedknife.
Iscowledathim.SothiswashowIwasgoingtodie.Betrayedbymybestfriendagainandstabbedtodeathbymysister.JuliusCaesarhadnothingonmeintermsofashittydeath.
MyheartpoundedasAvagraspedtheknife,leanedforward…andopenedthedessertbox.Sheslicedoffapieceofcakeandtookabite.
Silencedescended.
“Shouldwesaysomethingelse?”Juleswhispered.
“Shestillhasaknifeinherhand,”Iwhisperedback.“Let’swait.”
WewatchedwhileAvafinishedeatingwithanunreadableexpression.Butwhenshespokeagain,hervoicehadlostsomeofitshardedge.“Howseriousisthis?”
Reliefloosenedtheknotofanxietyinmychest.Irecognizedthatvoice.Shewascomingaround.
Iwasn’tworriedabouthercuttingusoffforeverbecausewesnuckaroundbehindherback,butIalsodidn’twanttospendweeksontheoutswithmysister.
“InolongerwanttokillhereverytimeIseteyesonher,soprettyserious,”Ijokedbeforesobering.“Listen,Iknowthismustbeweirdasfuckforyou,butIpromise,wewouldn’tbehereifitwasn’tserious.YouknowwhatIaskedyouwhenIfoundoutaboutyouandAlex?Whatyousaid?”IflickedmygazetoAlex,whoseboredexpressiongavewaytoonewithmoreinterest.“IfeelthesameaboutJules.”
“Ava.”Istaredatherinshock,tryingtomakesenseofaworldthathadturnedupsidedown.Mysisterandmybestfriend.Mybestfriendandmysister.Together.“Doyou…lovehim?”
Therewasashortpause.
WhenAvafinallyanswered,hervoicewassoftbutsteady.“Yes.Ido.”
PresentAvastaredatmeasecondlongerbeforeshestoodandtiltedherheadtowardthekitchen.“Let’stalk.Alone.”
Julesgavemeasemi-nervousglanceasIstood.IrespondedwithwhatIhopedwasareassuringsmilebeforeIjoinedmysisterinthekitchen.
“Didyoumeanwhatyousaid?”Avaaskedoncewewereoutoftheothers’earshot.“Aboutwhatyoufeelforher?”
“Yeah.”Myfacesoftened.“Iloveher,Ave.Wemaystillfightandarguesometimes,butattheendoftheday…she’sit.”
IwouldtakeathousandfightswithJulesoverathousandeasydayswithanyoneelse.
BecauseIdidn’twanteasy.Iwantedher.
“Right.”Avasighed.Hershouldersfinallyrelaxed,andasmidgeofguiltpassedoverherface.“Ididn’tmeantogiveyousuchahardtime,especiallysinceyouweresounderstandingwhenItoldyouaboutAlex.ButIknowhowyouarewithwomen,andIknowhowJulesiswithguys.Youbothhatecommitment.Ijustdon’twantyoubreakingeachother’shearts.Iloveyouboth,andIcan’tchooseasideifthathappens.Thatbeingsaid…”Shejabbedthebluntedgeofherknifeintomychest.“Ifyouhurther,Iwillmurderyou.”
“WhatmakesyouthinkI’dbetheonedoingthehurting?Icouldveryeasilybethehurtee.”
Wasthataword?Ifitwasn’t,itwasnow.
“Murder.You,”Avaemphasizedwithadditionaljabs.
“Fine.”Igrinned.“So,doesthatmeanyou’reokaywithusdating?”
“Iguess,”shegrumbledthroughaburgeoningsmile.“Mybrotherbroughttohiskneesbymybestfriend.Goodjob,Jules.”
Anotherscowlreplacedmygrin.“Shedidnotbringmetomyknees.Atleast,notfiguratively.”
Thistime,Ava’ssmilewastheonethatdisappeared.“Okay,onerule.Don’ttalkormakeinnuendosaboutyoursexlife.Ever.”Shemimedgagging.
Ilaughedandpulledherintomychestforahug.IruffledherhairthewayIdidwhenwewerekids,earningmyselfamuffledprotest.“Iwon’t,buttheruleappliestoyou,too.”
“Fine.”Avabattedmyhandawayandsmoothedherhairwithanothergrumble,butherannoyedexpressionsoonmeltedintosomethingsofter.“Seriously,I’mhappyyou’rehappy.Iknowthingshavebeenhardwith…everything.I’llalwaysbehereforyou,butI’mgladyouhavesomeonelikeJulesbyyourside.Shecanbeabit…dramaticsometimes”—webothletoutknowinglaughs—“butshehasoneofthebiggestheartsIknow.”
Aballofemotionformedinmythroat.“Iknow.”IsqueezedAvatighteranddroppedasmallkissonthetopofherhead.“Thanks,sis.”
Eventhoughweannoyedthehelloutofeachothersometimes,Iwasluckytohaveherasmysister.BeforeImetAlex,shewasmysoundingboardforallmyproblemsandviceversa.Wedidn’tconfideineachotherasoftennowthatwewereallgrownupwithourownlives,buttherewouldneverbeadaywhenwedidn’thaveeachother’sbacks.55JOSH
Afterwereturnedtothelivingroom,AvawhiskedJulesawayforwhatIassumedwasasimilarconversationtotheonewehad,minusthesiblingstuff.However,insteadofstayingintheapartment,theydecampedtoanearbybarsoAvacouldquoteunquotetryandforgetsheeverheardthephrasebangingyourbrother.
Personally,Ithoughttheylefttheapartmentsotheycouldsecretlyplanhowtoganguponmeinthefuture—Iknowhowtheywork—butIwassorelievedbyAva’sacceptanceofmyandJules’srelationship,Ididn’tcare.
Afterthegirlsleft,IjoinedAlexbythewallofwindows,wherehestoodwithapensiveexpression.
“I’msurprisedyoudidn’tgowiththem.”Icameupbesidehimandstareddownatthecitylaidoutbeforeus.Dusktransformedtheskiesintoapaletteofsoftpinksandpurples,andlightsflickeredonintheseaofbuildingsuntiltheyresembledacarpetoftinyjewels.“You’reusuallygluedtoAva’sside.”
AlexhadbeenparanoidaboutAva’ssafetysincehisunclekidnappedher;heevenhiredabodyguardforheruntilshechafedattheconstantshadow.TheygotintoahugefightoveritbeforeAlexcavedanddialedbackontheprotectiondetail.
“We’reworkingonthat.”Ahintofdisgruntlementcoloredhisvoice.“ShesaysI’mtooparanoid.”
“Youare.AndIsaythisasherbrother,someonewho’sveryinvestedinherwell-being.”
Heletoutasmallrumbleofirritationbutlettheissuedrop.“ThereisanotherreasonIstayedbehind.Ineed…Iwanttotellyousomething.”
Myeyebrowsclimbedathisuncharacteristicstumble.“Okay.Aslongasit’snotanotherconfessionaboutaseven-yearlie,becauseIsweartoGod…”
“Nowwho’stheparanoidone?”Alexrubbedahandoverhisjaw,hisbrowknittinginafrown.
Thelongerhehesitated,themoremycuriosityspiked.Alexrarelystruggledforwords.ExceptforAva,hedidn’tgiveenoughofashitaboutanyonetocarehowhisstatementswerereceived.
“I’veneverhadmuchofafamily,”hefinallysaid.“Asyouknow,myparentsandsistersweremurderedwhenIwasachild,andmyunclewasapsychopath.”
OnlyAlexcoulddeliversuchbrutalfactswithsuchunflinchinghonesty.
“Ididn’thavemanyfriendsgrowingupeither,andthatwasfine.IdislikeamajorityofpeopleImeet.Ihadmybusinessandsideprojects,andthatwasenough.”Histhroatbobbedwithahardswallow.“ThenImetyouandAva.Youwerebothquiteirritatinginthebeginning,withyourinsistenceonadheringtosocialnicetiesandyourdeterminationtoseethebestinpeople,nomatterhowfoolishanendeavorthatis.”
Isnorted,butastrangetightnessgrippedmychest.
“But…”Alexhesitatedagain.“Youalsosawthebestinme.You’retheonlypeoplewho’veeverseenmoreinmethanabankaccount,astatussymbol,orabusinessconnection.Wemayhavedifferentviewsonlifeandthewayweapproachthings,butyouandAva…”Hisvoicesoftened.“You’retheclosestthingIhavetoafamily.”
Ah,fuck.IfItearedupoversomethingAlexsaid,he’dneverletmeliveitdown.
ButIknewhowharditmust’vebeenforhimtoadmitthat.Alexwasassentimentalasaporcupinewascuddly,butforallhisfaults,hewasagoodfriendintheonlywayheknewhow—loyal,unquestioning,andwillingtoburntheworlddownforthepeopleheloved.
“Fuck,man,youshould’vewarnedmeyouweregoingtogetallsentimentalandshit.Iwould’vebroughtmoreKleenex.”
ThewordscameoutmorechokedthanIwould’veliked.
Asmallsmilegracedhismouth.“It’sfacts,notsentimentality.Onthatnote…”Hereachedintohispocketandretrievedasmallvelvetbox.“I’dliketoformalizetherelationship.”
Weremyearsdeceivingme,orIdiddetectatouchofnervousness?
IstaredatAlexblankly.Partofmeknewwhathewashintingat,butmysluggishbraincouldn’tcatchupintime.“Formalizewhatrelationship?”
“Thefamilyone.”Hesnappedtheboxopenandnearlyblindedme.
Holyfuckingcrap.
TheringnestledagainstthevelvetcushiongavetheWollmanRinkarunforitsmoneyintermsofsize.Ididn’tknowmuchaboutdiamonds,butIknewthisonehadtocostatleastfivefigures.
Itblazedlikeafallenstarinthedyinglateafternoonlight.Smallerdiamondsdotteditsplatinumbandandthrewrainbowprismsacrosstheroom,andthesilverlettersstampedoneithersideoftheringcushionreadHarryWinston.
“IwantedtotellyoubeforeIproposed.”Alexclosedtheboxagain,savingmyretinasfrombeingsearedrightoff.“YouknowhowIfeelaboutAva,soIwon’tboreyouwitharegurgitationofthefacts.Ialsodespisetheoutdatedtraditionofaskingpermissiontomarry.Thatbeingsaid,Iknowhowmuchshevaluesyouropinion.Idotoo,andwhileIdon’tneedyourpermission…”Heswallowedhard.“Iwouldverymuchliketohaveit.”
Silenceranginthewakeofhiswords.
Alex.ProposingtoAva.Sohewouldbemybrother-in-law.
Thedisjointedyetconnectedthoughtstumbledthroughmyhead.Holyfuck.I’dknownAlexandmysisterwouldbeendgamesincethedayIlearnedhegaveuphiscompanyforher.Hegotitbackaftersheforgavehim,butforhimtoevenconsiderdoingsomethingsodrastic,hehadtobeindeep.
YetInevercould’veimaginedtheproposalwouldcomesoearly,orthathewouldaskformypermission.
Alexneveraskedforpermissionfromanyone.
“Ididn’twanttoproposeuntilafteryouandI…sortedthroughsomeofourissues.”Alexwatchedmewithsharpeyes,hisfeaturestautwithtension.“Ididn’twanttoputeitherofyouinthatposition.”
Ifinallyfoundmywordsthroughthewellofemotioninmychest.“Mysister’srubbingoffonyou.Youactuallysoundhuman.”
“I’mgoodatimitations.”
Therewasamomentofstunnedsilencebeforealaughburstfrommymouth.“Shit,Volkov,don’tkillmewithshockbeforethewedding.Avawillbepissed.”
Alex’slipscurved.“Isthatanimplicitblessing?”
“Don’tgetaheadofyourself.”Isobered.“You’reright.Wehaveverydifferentworldviews,andwehitabitofa,ah,roughpatchovertheyears.Istillthinkyou’reanassholeeightypercentofthetime.Butyou…youwalkedmysisterhomeeverydayforayearlikeapsychoRomeo.Youalwaysputhersafetyandwell-beingaheadofyourself,whichforyouissayingafuckinglot.”Iswallowedhard.“Avaismyonlysister.Myonlyrealfamily.I’vealwaystakencareofhergrowingup,andIdon’ttrustherwithjustanyone.ButItrustherwithyou.”
IftherewasonethingIwascertainof,itwasthatAlexwouldlayhislifedownonthelineforher.Hemaybeanassholetoeveryoneelse,butIcouldalwaystrusthimtotakecareofAva.
Iclappedhimonthebackasthetightnessinmychestintensified.“Soyeah,youhavemyfuckingpermission.Justdon’tkillherwiththering,becausethatshitisbrightasfuck.”
AsuspiciousbrightnessglowedinAlex’seyesbeforeheblinkedanditdisappeared.Heletoutarelieved-soundinglaugh.“She’llbeokay.She’stougherthanyou.”
“That’strue.”Despitehersunnyoptimismandwhatsomewouldcallna?veté,Avahadalwaysbeenasurvivor.Ishookmyheadinmydisbelief.“Can’tbelieveI’llbestuckwithyouforeverasmybrother-in-law.”
Ididn’tdoubtAvawouldsayyes,buthavingAlexVolkovasmybrother-in-law…Lordhelpme.
“Luckyyou.”AsmallsmileremainedonAlex’smouth,buthiseyesturnedseriousagain.“Speakingofwhich,Ialsohaveaproposalforyou.”
“Alex.”Iclutchedmychest.“Ava’snotgonnalikeitifyouproposetometoo.BigamyisillegalinD.C.”
“Funny.”Hewalkedtothebarandpouredtwoglassesofwhiskey,oneofwhichhehandedtome.“IfAvasaysyes…”
“She’llsayyes.”
AnuncharacteristichintofnervescoastedthroughAlex’seyesbeforeitvanishedbeneathcoolgreenice.
“Whenshesaysyes,I’llneedabestman.”Herubbedhisthumboverhisglass,histenseshouldersatoddswithhiscasualtone.“Sinceyou’remybestfriend,andoneofthefewpeopleIcanstandtobearoundformorethanfiveminutesatatime,considerthismyofficialasktoyou.”
Ah,fuck.Emotionrushedbackintomychestandswelleduntilitformedalumpinmythroat.
Beforeourfallingout,Alexhadbeenthereforeverygame,everycrisis,andeveryemergencyIhad.HewastheonlypersonoutsidemyfamilyItrusted,andIwastheonlyoneheutteredmorethanadozenwordstoatatime.
We’dbeenbestfriends,buthe’dnevercalledmethat,atleastnotinmypresence.Todaywasthefirsttime.
“Thatdepends.”MyvoicecameoutscratchybeforeIclearedmythroat.Thatfuckerwouldnotmakemecry.Nottoday,Satan.“One,doIhavefullauthoritytoplanyourbachelorpartyinanywayIseefit?Two,doIgetboxseatsforlifetoanysportsgameIwant?Three,canItakeyourAstonforaspin?”
AlexreleasedasighsowearyIhalfexpectedhimtocollapsebeneathitsweight.“Withinreason,yes,andno.”
Oneandahalfoutofthree.Notbad.Ihadn’texpectedhimtosayyestotheAstonthinganyway.Heneverletanyonedrivehispreciouscar.
“I’lltakeit.”Iraisedmyglass.“You’vegotyourselfabestman.”
“I’mthrilled.”
“Ican’twaituntilourVegasblowout,”Isaid,ignoringhisdryresponse.“Actually,shit,let’slevelup.You’reabillionairewithab,asyoualwaysremindme.Let’sgotoMacau.No,Monaco.No,Ibi—”
“You’regettingaheadofyourself.Ihaven’tproposedyet.”
“Butyouwill,andit’sbesttobeprepared.”MygrinfadedatthesightofAlex’stightjaw.“She’llsayyes,”Irepeatedinasoftervoice.“Don’tworry.”
Anotherhintofnervesflickeredinhiseyes.“Idon’tworry.”Herubbedhisthumboverhiswhiskeytumbleragainuntilsomeofthetensiondrainedfromhisshoulders.“ButnoIbiza.Ican’tstandislandparties.”
“Deal.”Monacosoundedmorefun,anyway.“Here’stoanepicproposalandevenmoreepicbachelorweekend.”
Iliftedmyglassagain.Alexclinkedhisagainstmine,andIwaiteduntilwe’dbothdrainedourdrinksbeforeIadded,“I’dbeyourbestmanevenwithouttheboxseats,youknow.”
Theiceinhiseyescracked,revealingasliverofsoftness.“Iknow.”
Apoignantbeatpassedbeforewecoughedatthesametimeandletoutawkwardlaughs.Alexmightpetrifyintostoneifwedwelledtoomuchonthesentimentalityofthemoment,andIdidn’twantmysistertomarryaliteralstatue.
“Nowthatthat’soutoftheway…”Ithrewanarmaroundhisshouldersandsteeredhimtowardthecouch.“Let’stalkabouthowwe’llmakethisastagpartyyou’llneverforget.I’mthinkingtigers,tattoos…”
“No.”
Ibrushedoffthebuzzkill.“Actually,howdoyoufeelaboutcagedivingwithsharks?WecanflytoSouthAfricafortheweekend…”
AlexrubbedanexasperatedhandoverhisfacewhileIrambledoffideasandtriedtoholdbackagrin.
Meannoyingtheshitoutofhimwhilehefeignedirritation?
Itwaslikeoldtimes,onlybetter,becausethistime,therewerenoliesorsecretsbetweenus.
Everygreatfriendshiphadchapters.
Thiswasthestartofournewone.56JULES
“I’mhere!I’mhere!”Stellarushedthroughthedoor,herhairflyingaroundherinadarkcloud.“WhatdidImiss?”
Ipinnedthebrunetteacrossfrommewithanexasperatedglare.“Ava.”
“Itwasn’tmyfault.”Hereyessparkledwithlaughter.“Stelaskedwhatweweredoing,Itoldher,and…well,Imight’vespilledthebeans.”
We’dbeendrinkingatabarnearherapartmentfortwohours,duringwhichshegrilledmeaboutmyfeelingstowardJosh,ourrelationship,andourplansforthefuture.Shewasmostlyjoking,Ithink,butthatdidn’tstopmefromsweatinglikeIjustfinishedtheNewYorkMarathon.
“NothingexceptaninterrogationworthyoftheCIA.”IfinishedtherestofmycranberryvodkawhileStellaslidintotheseatnexttomine.
Shemust’vecomestraightfromwork,butinsteadofaboringbusinesssuit,sheworeagorgeouswhitelinendressandturquoisenecklacethatsetoffherbronzeskin.Theperksofworkingatafashionmagazine,Isupposed.
“Ihighlydoubtthat.”Stellabrushedastraycurloutofhereye.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellme.Allthistime,you’vebeendatingJosh?He’stheMysteryGuy?”
Heatrushedovermyface.“Canyoublameme?Lookatthewayyou’rereacting.Personally,Idon’tthinkit’sthatbigadeal.”SowhatifJoshandIhadhatedeachotherforalmosttheentiretimeStellaknewus?Peoplechanged.“It’snotlikeI’mdatingthePope.”
“YoudatingthePopewouldbemorebelievable,”Stellaquipped.
“Funny.You’reallhilarious.”Despitemygrumbles,mycheeksachedfromsmiling.
Foralltheirgood-naturedteasing,myfriendsseemedgenuinelyhappyforme—well,afterAvarecoveredfromherinitialshock—andnowthatJoshandIwereoutintheopen,ahugeweighthadliftedoffmyshoulders.
Therewasacertainthrilltosneakingaround,butIhatedlyingtomyfriends.
“Atleastyoudidn’ttellBridgetyet.”IknockedmyfootagainstAva’sfootunderthetable.Ididn’tneedtobeaccostedbyallmyfriendsatonce
Hercheekspinked.“Erm,aboutthat…”
Asifoncue,myphonelitupwithanincomingFaceTimecallfromacertainEuropeanroyal.
“Ava.”
“Youcan’texpectmetokeepthenewstomyself.I’mneverthefirsttogetagoodscoop.”Sheheldupherhands.“Besides,Bridgewasinthegroupchat.”
Isighed,butsinceitwastoolatetoputthenewsbackinthebox,Iansweredthecall.
Bridget’sfacefilledthescreen.“You’redatingJoshChen?”sheaskedwithoutpreamble.“What?How?Why?”
“Hello,YourMajesty.Goodeveningtoyou,too,”Isaidpointedly.“Howareyoudoing?”
“Don’thowareyoudoingme.”Bridgetpushedhergreenclothheadbandhigheruponherhead.Shemust’veturnedinforthenight,becauseherfacewasscrubbedfreeofmakeupandIcaughtaglimpseofhersilkpajamatopatthebottomofthescreen.“Tellmeeverything.Don’tleaveoutanydetails.IalwaysmissthegoodstuffoverhereinEurope.”
“Don’tyouhaveroyaldutiestoattendtoorsomething?”
“It’smidnight,Jules,andmyroyaldutiesconsistofwranglingministerswhoinsistonactinglikegradeschoolers.Please,letmehavesomefun.”Amasculinerumblemurmuredsomethingoffscreen.Bridgetturnedherheadtowhispersomethingbackbeforeshefacedmeagain.“Rhyssayshi.”
ShepannedthecamerasoIcouldseeRhys,whowavedatmefromhisspotnexttoherinbed.Hisgrayeyesglowedwithbemusement.
Iletoutanothersigh,butIrecountedthestoryagain,startingwiththeclinictruce.WhenIfinished,BridgetandStellastaredatmewithopenmouths.
“Wow.That’s…”Bridgetshookherhead.I’dproppedmyphoneupagainstaglasssowecouldallseeher.“SomehowyouandJoshtogethermakezerosenseandallthesenseintheworld.”
“Doesthismeanyouguyshavestoppedbickering?”Stellaaskedwithahopefulexpression.
“Nope.Webickermore,”Isaidcheerfully.“Itleadstogreatha—”Hatesex.IcutoffabruptlywhenAva’seyeswidenedwithalarm.“Youknow.”
Stellawrinkledhernose.“Idon’t,andIdon’twanttoknow.I’llneverbeabletolookatJoshthesame.”
“Youwilloneday.”Stelladidn’tdatemuch,butitwasn’tforlackofinterestfromguys—shefieldedsuitorseveryday.Romancesimplywasn’tapriority.“Enoughaboutme.Whataboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”Warinesstouchedherfeatures.
“You’rethelastwomanleftstanding.”Mischieflitupmyface.“Who’sgoingtobetheguywhosweepsyouoffyourfeet?”
“Whenyoufindhim,letmeknow,”shesaiddryly.“Inthemeantime,I’mjusttryingtosurviveAnya.”
Anyawasherbossandtheeditor-in-chiefofD.C.Stylemagazine.
WhileStellatoldusaboutherlatestphotoshoot,whichapparentlyinvolvedahungoversupermodel,alivepython,andagallonofbabyoil,afamiliarphotodrewmyattentiontotheTVhangingoverthebar.
Shockstolemybreathfrommylungs.Brownhair,blueeyes,stubbledjaw,unsmilingface.
Max.
Thevolumewasoff,buttheclosedcaptionswereon,soIcouldreadwhathappened.
“…bodywasfoundinahotelroominBaltimore.Thevictim,MaxRenner,wasstabbedmultipletimesanddiedatthescene.RennerwasrecentlyreleasedfromprisonforgrandlarcenyandisbelievedtobeinvolvedinanOhio-basedcrimering.Policesuspectothermembersofthecrimeringareresponsibleforhismurder,andtheFBI…”
Maxwasdead.
Allthoseyears,allthatheartache,hewasdead
Iguesshisassociatesfinallycaughtupwithhim.
Otherthanatrickleofrelief,Ifelt…nothing.Notevenvindicationafterwhathedidinthestairwell.
I’dtrulyputhiminthepast.
IdraggedmyattentionbacktomyfriendsintimetoseeStella’sfacepaleatsomethingonherphonewhileAvaandBridgetchattedaboutBridget’supcomingdiplomatictriptoArgentina.
Aseedofconcernsproutedinmychest.“Iseverythingokay?”Stellararelylookedthatrattled.
“Yes.”Sheslidherphoneintoherbagandsmiled,butitlookedmoreforcedthanusual.“Somethingcameupatwork,butI’lldealwithitlater.”
“Youshouldfindajobthattreatsyoubetter,”Isaidgently.“You’retalentedenough.Youcanevengofull-timewithyourblog.”
Stellamadeatonofmoneyfrombrandsponsorships.
“Maybeoneday.”
Itookthehintfromhersubduedresponseanddroppedtheissue,thoughmyconcernremained.Stellakeptallherfeelingsandtroublesbottledup.Itwasn’thealthyinthelongrun,butnowwasn’tthetimetogetintoit.
WerejoinedBridgetandAva’sconversationandeventuallyshiftedtopicstoAva’spromotionatwork.ItwaspastmidnightinEldorra,butBridgetstayedupwithustotalk.
Mychestglowedwithwarmth.
Itfeltlikeoldtimes,whenwewouldorderpizzaandtalkintotheearlyhoursofthemorninginourdormroom.
Weweren’teighteenanymore,butwewerestillus.Evenifoneofuslivedonadifferentcontinentnow,andwedidn’tseeeachotherasmuchasweusedtoatschool,ourfriendshipwasasteadyrock.
Itwascomfortingtoknowthatnomatterhowmuchsomethingschanged,otherswillalwaysstaythesame.57JULES
“What’sthesurprise?”Ibouncedontheballsofmyfeet,unabletocontainmycuriosityaswesteppedintotheelevatorofaluxuryUpperEastSideapartmentbuilding.“Tellme,please.I’mdyinghere.”
JoshhadsurprisedmewithatriptoNewYorktocatchthelastshowingoftheLegallyBlondemusicalrevivalearlierthatnight,andhesaidhehadanothersurpriseformebeforewelefttomorrow.I’dtriedtoprythesecretfromhimduringourentirecabridehere,buthe’drefusedtobudge.
“Red,wewillliterallybethereinafewminutes.”Hepressedthebuttonforthepenthouse,andmycuriosityrampedupanothernotch.“Haven’tyoueverheardthetermpatience?”
“Patience?”Ipretendedtothink.“Nope,neverheardofit.”
Ilaughedwhenheswattedmyassinplayfulpunishment.
I’dbeenfloatingonahighsinceJoshandIgotbacktogether.Icaughtmyselfhummingattheoddesttimes,likewhenIwasloadingthedishwasherorwaitingforthemetro,andmycheeksachedfromsmilingsomuch.Evenstressovermyloomingbarresultscouldn’tdampentheweightlessnessinmychest.
Nothingturnedapersonintoabiggercheeseballthanbeinginlove,andIwasn’tevenmadaboutit.Therewereworsethingsthanbeingcheesy.Besides,cheesewasatoptierfoodgroup.
Whenwearrivedatthepenthouse,awomaninastunningwhitedresscheckedournamesoffalistandwavedusinwithasmile.“Welcometotheexhibition,Mr.Chen,Ms.Ambrose.Thegalleryistoyourright.”
“Exhibition?”Itookinthesleek,modernfurnitureandglasswallsoverlookingCentralPark.Theplacelookedlikeaprivateresidence,notamuseum.
“Privatecollector.He’shostingapartydisplayinghisnewlyacquiredworks.”Joshguidedmetoalongmarblehalllitbyadomedglassskylight.Dozensofpaintingshungonthewallingildedframes,andwell-dressedguestscirculatedwithchampagneinhand.
IsqueezedJosh’shandagainwhenhiseyeslingeredonaglassofthebubblygoldenliquid.
“Andhowdidyouscoreaninvitetothisexhibition?”Iaskedsuspiciously.WhocouldJoshpossiblyknowinNewYork?
Hissmuggrinrangadozenalarms.“You’relookingatit.”Hepulledmefurtherdownthehalluntilwereachedonepaintinginparticular.
Myjawunhinged.“You’rejoking.Howisthispossible?”
ItwastheatrociouspaintingfromJosh’sroom,theonethatbroughtmesomuchgrieflastmonth.Exceptnow,insteadofaHazelburgbedroom,ithunginamultimillion-dollarapartmentbetweenaMonetandadeKooning.
“Isoldit.Ididn’twantwhoeverisafterthepaintingtocomeaftermeagain,soImadethesaleashighprofileaspossible.Iftheywanttofuckwiththenewowner…”Joshshrugged.“It’sonthem.”
“Jesus.”Iadmit,itwasageniusmove,thoughIstillcouldn’tfathomtheideaanyonethisrichwouldpaytohavesuchanuglypaintingintheirhouse.
Maxwasgone,butIwascuriousaboutwhowasintimidatingenoughthatitwoulddeterwhatevercriminalshe’dbeenrunningaroundwith.
“Who’sthenewowner?”Iasked.
“Iam.”
Iturnedattherich,somewhatfamiliarvoice,andmyeyebrowsflewupwhenIsawwhoitbelongedto.I’donlymethimonce,butI’drecognizethatglossydarkhairandbeautifuloliveskinanywhere.
DanteRussosmiled.“It’snicetoseeyoubothagain.Ihopeyou’reenjoyingtheparty.”
SoIwasn’ttheonlyonewhorememberedourencounterinChristian’slibrary.
“Weare,thanks.Yourgalleryisbeautiful,”Isaidgraciously.
ImadeamentalnotetoGoogleDantelater.I’dheardhisnamesomewherebefore,butIcouldn’tpinpointit.
Heinclinedhisheadinacknowledgment.“Appreciationforbeautyispartofmyfamilybusiness.Luxurygoods,”hesaidwhenmybrowknitinconfusion.“Fashion,jewelry,winesandspirits,beautyandcosmetics.AllpartoftheRussoempire.”Aself-deprecatingnotecreptintohistone.
Ofcourse.
Itsuddenlyclicked.IreadarecentmagazineprofileofTheRussoGroup,theworld’slargestluxurygoodsconglomerate.
DantewastheCEO.Accordingtotheprofile,hewasalsorumoredtohaveoneofthemostruthlesssecurityteamsinthecorporateworld.Therewasanurbanlegendthathisheadofsecurityoncecaughtsomeonetryingtosneakintohishousewhilehewasawayforbusiness.Theunluckythiefendedupinamonth-longcomawithtwobrokenkneecaps,amangledface,andeveryribshattered.
Thethiefhadrefusedtonamenames,andtherewasnohardevidencetracingitbacktoDante,buthisreputationstuck.
NowonderJoshwassoconfidentMax’sassociateswouldn’tfuckwithhim.
WemademorechitchatforafewminutesbeforeIhesitatedandsaid,“I’msorrytohearaboutyourgrandfather.”
EnzoRussofoundedtheRussoGroupsixty-fiveyearsago.Hewasabonafidebusinesslegend,andhisfuneralhaddominatedtheheadlinesafewweeksago.
Dantedidn’tseemdistraughtoverhisgrandfather’sdeath,butitfeltlikethepolitethingtosayconsideringhowrecentthefuneralwas.Plus,I’dbeentherewhenhereceivedthenewsinChristian’slibrary.
Anironblanketfelloverhissculptedfeatures.“Thankyou.Iappreciateit.”Heglancedovermyshoulder.“Apologiesforcuttingourconversationshort,butmyfiancéehasfinallyarrived.”Hesoundedlessthanthrilled.Wasthereanyoneinthisman’slifehedidlike?“Please,enjoytherestoftheparty.”Henoddedatusandstrodeoff,histall,muscledframecuttingastrikingfigureinthecrowd.Attheendofthehall,abeautifulAsianwomanwatchedhimapproachwithahalfnervous,halfdefiantexpression.Hisfiancée,Iassumed.
“Iwouldpaytoseesomeonetrytostealfromhim,”Isaid.“Goodjob.”
Joshsmirked.“Itry.Howdoyouknowhim?”Hesoundedmorecuriousthanconcerned.
“WemetatChristian’shousewhenIaskedforhishelpwithMax.”Ispottedaserverbearingdownonuswithatrayofchampagneandquicklyshookmyhead.
“Right.Isitjustme,ordoallrichpeopleknoweachother?”heasked.
“Iwouldn’tbesurprised.Theyliveinasmallworld.”Ieyedthepaintingagain.Unliketheothers,itlackedaplaqueengravedwithitsname,artist,andorigins.“So,doesthisoh-so-preciouspiecehaveaname?”
“Apparently.Dantewasalreadyfamiliarwithitwhenheboughtit.”Joshtookmyhandagainaswewalkedtothenextpainting.“It’scalledMagda.”58JOSH
Therewasonebrightspottothewholemesswiththepainting:IsoldittoDanteforashittonofmoney.Itwasn’tenoughformetoretireon,butitwasenoughtopayoffmymedschoolloans,splurgeonnicedateswithJules,andbuildacomfortablenesteggforthefuture.
IwasprettysureDantehadundervaluedtheartduringournegotiations,butfuckit.Iwasjusthappytoberidofthedamnthing.
Ipushedopenthedoortotheclinic,mystepslighterthanithadbeeninmonths.I’djustfinishedanine-hourshift,butJulesonlyhadafewweeksleftatLHAC,andIwantedtospendasmuchtimewithheraspossiblebeforeshestartedherjobatSilver&Klein.
ThefirstthingInoticedwhenIsteppedinsidewasthegroupclusteredaroundJules’sdesk,oohingandaahingoversomething.
“Isthisaworkplaceoristhisaparty?”Iquipped,comingupbehindthem.“What’sgoingon?”
“It’slunchtime,Josh.”Ellietossedherhairoverhershoulder.“Wedeserveabreak.Right,Marsh?”
Marshallstaredatherwithabesottedexpression.“Absolutely.”
Poorguy.Hewassosmittenwithherhewould’vejumpedoffabridgehadsheaskedhimto.
Thenagain,IfeltthesamewayaboutJules,soIwasn’tonetotalk.
“Hey,Red.”Iplacedagentlehandonhershoulderandresistedtheurgetokissher.
Everyoneattheclinicknewweweredatingnow,butwestillkeptthingsprofessionalwhenwewereinfrontofourcoworkers.NoPDA,thoughIcouldn’tresistsneakingakisseverynowandthenwhenwewerealone.
“Hi.”Shesmiledupatme,anditshouldbefuckingillegalhowthatonetinythingmademychestswell.
“Hi.”Ismiledback.
Theairbetweenusthrummedwithelectricity,andIwished,notforthefirsttime,thatwewerealoneinsteadofsurroundedbyahalfdozencoworkers.
Everyonearoundussighed—somewithdreaminess,somewithmockexasperation.
“Iknewyouwouldmakeagood-lookingcouple.”Barbsbeamed,hereyesglintingwithsmugness.“Noonebelievedme.”
Whenwebrokethenewsofourrelationshiptwoweeksago,she’dbeensoecstaticshebakedagiantblueberrypieandbroughtitinthenextday.Accordingtoher,itwastocelebrateherfirstlovematchatLHAC,eventhoughshewasn’tresponsibleforusgettingtogether.
Thenagain,shewastheonewhopushedmetoseeJulesinthekitchenduringJules’sfirstdayhere,somaybeshediddeservealittlecredit.IfI’dfoundoutaboutJulesworkinghereanotherday,anotherway,Imight’veneverofferedatruce,andwewouldn’tbewherewewerenow.
Plus,BarbshadbeenlessinsufferablethanClara,whogavemetheworld’sbiggestshit-eating,Itoldyousogrinwhenshefoundout.
“Inthatregard,Icarryalltheweightintherelationship,”Idrawled,earningmyselfanelbowjabfromJules.
Barbs’sgrinwidened.“Funny,shesaidthesamething.”
“I’mnotsurprised.”IsmoothedahandoverJules’shair.“Poorthingcanbedelusional.”
“Lookinthemirror,Chen.”Julessniffed.“Thatis,ifithasn’talreadycrackedfromfacingyoueveryday.”
Mylaughjoinedeveryoneelse’s.“Touché,Red.Touché.”Ileanedoverhershoulderandlookedatherphone.“Whatareyouguysallstaringat,anyway?”
“She’sshowinguspicturesfromherfriend’sproposal.”Barbs’sgraycurlsquiveredwithexcitement.“Lookatthatring!I’msurprisedthepoorgirldidn’ttoppleoverfromthesizeofit.”
IshookmyheadasJulesscrolledthroughpicturesofAlexandAva’sproposalonherphone.
Alexhadofficiallyproposedovertheweekend.Thebastardcouldn’tdoanythinghalfway,soheflewAvatoLondonfora“specialphotographyexhibit”andpoppedthequestionatthegallerywheretheyreconciled.
Theirweddingwasscheduledfornextsummer,butpreparationswerealreadyinfullswing,withJules,Stella,andBridgetasbridesmaids.Avacouldn’tdecidewhoshewantedashermaidofhonor,soshechosetoforegoonealtogether.
“Nowthisoneshouldbeframedandhung.”BarbsleanedoverandtappedonthescreenwhenJulesreachedthelastpicture.
Init,AlexkneltononekneewhileAvahadonehandclappedoverhermouth.Hereyeswereglossywithtears.Theentiregalleryhadbeenstrippedandredecoratedfortheproposal—twinklingstringsoflightsclippedwithPolaroidsAvahadtakenofthetwoofthemtogether,atablesetwithcandlesandflowersinthemiddleoftheroom,andbluerosepetalsscatteredoverthefloor.Theblazefromtheopenringboxwasblindingevenintwo-dimensionalform.
ItwasalsotheonlyphotoI’deverseenofAlexwherehelookedvisibly,wildlynervous.
Irubbedmyhandstogether.Man,Icouldn’twaittoholdthisoverhisheadthenexttimeIsawhim.AnervousAlex,immortalizedforalleternity.
Theuniverselovedme.
Everyoneoohedandaahedoverthepictureawhilelongerbeforetheyfinallydispersedtotheirdesks,andJulesandIenteredtheemptykitchento“getmorecoffee.”
Theminutethedoorclosed,Icuppedthebackofherneckanddrewhertomeforapropergreeting.Shetastedlikecaramelandcoffee,andIsavoredhersweetnessforaminutebeforeIpulledback.
“Hi.”Mylipsbrushedherswiththeword.
“Hi.”Jules’ssmilesettledinmychestlikearayofwarmth.“Isthishowyougreetallyourcoworkers,Dr.Chen?Becauseit’shighlyinappropriate.”
“Onlytheinfuriating,pain-in-myassones.”Inippedherbottomliplightlyinpunishmentforhersass.“Akissistheonlywaytoshutthemup.”
“Don’tletthenursesknow,oryou’llhaveamutinyonyourhands.They’llbepissingyouoffleftandright.”
“It’sagoodthingI’mnotinterestedinanynurses.Besides…”Irubbedmythumboverthenapeofherneckinsmallcircles.“Noonepissesmeofflikeyoudo.”
Julesmeltedintomytouch.“You’resuchacharmer.”
“It’soneofmymanyexcellentqualities,”Idrawled.“Anyway,how’stheweddingplanninggoing?AvaturnintoBridezillayet?”
“Josh,sheliterallygotengagedfourdaysago.She’sstillinEurope.”
AlexhadextendedtheirtripsotheycouldvisitFranceandSpainafterLondon.
“Hey,I’veneverbeenabride.Idon’tknowhowthesetimelineswork.”
Julesletoutagood-naturedsigh.“It’llbeawhilebeforewegetintotheswingofthings,but…”Ablanketofhesitationfelloverherface.“Speakingofbrides,we’regettingtothattimeinourlives.Bridget’smarried.Avaisengaged.”
“Yep.”
“Doyou…wanttogetmarriedanytimesoon?”
Mythumbstilledonherskin.“Doyou?”Iwatchedhercarefullyforareaction.
We’donlybeendatingforafewmonths,butnowwasasgoodatimeasanytodiscussourexpectationsforthefuture.
Westaredateachotherforasecondbeforeweblurtedoutouranswers.
“No,I’mnotfinanciallyreadyyet—”
“Istillhavetofinishmyresidencyandtakemyboards—”
“There’ssomuchIwanttodobefore—”
“Somanyplacestotravel—”
Ourwordsjumbledtogetherinourhaste.
Juleslaughed,coveringherfacewithherhands.“Oh,thankGod.NotthatIdon’twanttogetmarriedandhavekidseventually,butnow…”
“…Isnottherighttime,”Ifinished.“Totallyagree.”
IalreadyknewshewastheoneIwantedtospendmylifewith,butmarriagecamewithfinancialresponsibilitiesneitherofuswasequippedtohandleatthemoment.
Besides,whenwedidhaveourwedding,Iwantedittobeherultimatedreamwedding.Iwantedourhoneymoontobefuckingepic.Thosethingsweren’tpossiblewhenIwasconstrainedbymyresidency,andJuleswasnavigatingherfirstyearsasanattorney.
“There’stoomuchoftheworldtoseefirst.”Irubbedmythumboverherhand.“AndIwanttoseeitallwithyou.”
Ablushofpleasureclimbedupherneckandoverherface.“Isthatapromise,Chen?BecauseI’llholdyoutoit.”
Ismiled,wonderinghowthefuckIeverthoughtJuleswasanythingotherthanmyperfectmatch.
“It’smorethanapromise,Red.It’saguarantee.”EPILOGUE
JULES
Onemonthlater
“Openit.”
“No.”
“Jules.”Joshplacedhishandsonmyshoulders.“Nomatterwhat’sonthatscreen,you’llbefine.I’llbehere.Theanticipationwillkillyoumorethantheresults.”
“Easyforyoutosay.”Icastanervousglanceatmylaptop,wheretheloginpageformybarexamresultsstaredbackatme.“You’renottheonewhoseentirefutureisridingononemeaslyscore.”
I’dwaitedforsolong,andnowthattheresultswerehere,Iwantedtochuckmycomputeracrosstheroomandpretendtheydidn’texist.Ignorancewasblissandallthat.
MystomachchurnedwhenIrememberedeverythingIhadgoingagainstme.I’dtakenthebarfreshoffmybreakupwithJoshandinjuredaftermypsychoticexpushedmedownthestairs.
Theoutlookdidnotlookgoodforapassingscore.
“It’snotyourentirefuture.”Josh’scalmvoiceloosenedsomeoftheknotsinmymuscles.“Ifyoudon’tpass,you’lltakeitagainuntilyoudopass.You’regoingtobeakickassattorneyoneday,Red.Don’tdoubtyourself.Besides…”Hekissedmyforehead.“It’sbettertoriptheBand-Aidoffthanlettheuncertaintyfester.”
“Right.You’reright.”Itookadeepbreath.
Itwasfine.I’llbefine.Notpassingthebarwouldn’tbetheendoftheworld.
Imean,itwouldbetheendofmyworld,butnottheendoftheworld.
Iwalkedtomylaptopandtypedinmyusernameandpasswordwithshakingfingers.Mybreakfastswirledinmystomach,andIregrettedwolfingdowntheblueberrywafflesJoshmade.
Whenthescorereportloaded,Iclosedmyeyes,myheartafranticsteeldruminmychest.
Justgetitoverwith.You’llbefine.
Behindme,Joshrestedhishandsonmyshouldersagain,hispresencestrongandcomforting.
Ifinallycrackedmyeyesopenandzeroedinonthetotalscoreatthebottomofthepage.
295.
Ittookasecondforthenumberstoprocess.Oncetheydid,Iletoutaloudsqueal.
“Ipassed!”Ijumpedupandbangedmykneeagainsttheundersideofthetable,butIdidn’tevenfeelthepain.IturnedandthrewmyarmsaroundJosh’sneck,smilingsowidemycheeksached.“Ipassed,Ipassed,Ipassed!”
Helaughedandspunmearound.“WhatdidItellyou?Congrats,Red.”Prideseepedintohisvoice,richandwarm.“Nowyoucansupportmeonyourbig-timelawyersalarywhileItoilawayinmyresidency.”
IwasscheduledtostartmyjobatSilver&Kleinnextweek.Partofmewassadtoleavetheclinic,butIhopedIwouldstillbeabletoworkwithLHACinsomecapacity.Lisamentionedshewasinterestedinpartneringwithacorporatelawfirmtoexpandtheclinic’sservices,andafterIestablishedmyselfatSilver&Klein,Iplannedtoproposeapartnershipbetweenmynewcompanyandmyoldone.
Meanwhile,Joshhadenteredhisfourthandfinalyearofresidency,afterwhichhe’dtakehisboardexamsandbecomeafullylicenseddoctor.
Wewerewellonourwaytoachievingourdreamcareers,buthonestly,IwashappieraboutthefactIhadJoshbymysidethroughitall.Itmadeeveryachievementsweeterandeveryfailurelessbitter.
“Iknewyouwereagolddigger.”Evenafterpayingoffhismedschoolloans,hehadenoughmoneyfromsellingthepaintingtobefinanciallycomfortablefordecades,butthatdidn’tstopmefromteasinghim.“Usingmeformoney.Iamshocked.Appalled.Scandalized—”
Joshcutmeoffwithakiss.“Don’tworry.”Hisvoiceloweredasheranonelarge,warmpalmupmythigh.“Icanrepayyouinnon-monetaryways.”
Myheartratepickedup,andIbitbackamoanwhenhereachedthecleftbetweenmylegs.Iwasalreadysoakedforhim,asconfirmedbythesatisfiedgleaminJosh’seyes.Hewasalwayssuchasmugbastardaboutsex.
IhatedhowmuchIlovedit.
“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Ibreathed.“Ineedademonstrationfirst.”
“Youdriveahardbargain.”Heslippedmyunderweartothesideandrubbedhisthumbovermyclit.“Whatkindofdemonstrationwouldyoulike?Youwantmetofuckyourpussytillyouforgetyourownname?Eatthatsweetlittlecuntoutuntilyoucomeallovermyface?Ormaybe…”Hepushedafingerinsidemeandcurledituntilhehitaspotthatmademylimbstremble.“Youwantmetofilleveryholeliketheneedylittleslutyouare.”
Awhimperescapedatthementalpicturehepainted.Mytoysweren’tstrangersinoursexlife,andthelasttimehe’dusedthemonmewhilefuckingmymouth…
Apleasurableshudderwrackedmybody.
“Whichisit,Red?”Joshworkedanotherfingerinsideme.“Useyourwords.”
“I…”Istruggledtoformacoherentresponse,butIwastoodistractedbytheslowpumpofhisfingersinandoutofme.
Abundleofelectricitypooledbetweenmylegs.
“Yourverbalskillscouldusework.”Hetskedinmockdisappointment.“ButsinceI’mfeelinggenerousandweneedtocelebrateyoupassingthebar,I’llprovideasampledemonstrationofallthree…”
Joshwasrightaboutmyverbalskillsneedingwork,becausebythetimehefinishedhis“demonstrations”threehourslater,mybodywaslimpanditwasastruggletoevenremembermyownname.
“Mmph.”Imadeacontentednoiseasdrowsinesssettledovermelikeawarmblanketandpulledheavyonmyeyelids.We’dmovedfromthelivingroomtohisbed,andIjustwantedtosinkintohispillowsandneverleave.“Goodsample.”
Josh’ssoftlaughtickledmyskinashepressedakisstomyshoulder.“Howdoyoufeelaboutafulldemonstration,then?”Hecaressedthecurveofmyass,andthebutterfliesinmystomachwentcrazyagain.
“Stop,”Imoaned,halfhorrified,halfaroused.“IwilldieifIhaveonemoreorgasm.”
Thechancesofmewalkingproperlytomorrowwerealreadyclosetozero.
“Okay,okay.I’llgiveyouareprieve.”Joshlaughedagainbeforeherolledoverandreachedforhisphone.“Iactuallyboughtyouapropergiftinanticipationofyoupassingthebar.”Hisdimpledeepened.“Well,Iboughtusagift.”
Iperkedup,mycuriosityoverpoweringmydrowsiness.“Isitatoy?Lingerie?TheKamaSutra?”
“No,Red.”Hetappedmynose,hiseyessparklingwithexasperatedamusement.“Getyourmindoutofthegutter.”
Imadeafacewhilehepulledsomethinguponhisscreen.“Lookwho’stalking.Yourmindlivesinthegutter.”
Joshswattedmyassinlightpunishmentbeforehehandedmehisphone.“Careful,orthatreprieveisgoingtobemoretemporarythanyouthought.”
Iignoredmyprickleofanticipationathiswordsandsquintedatthedocumentonscreen.Itlookedlike…aplaneticket?
Whenthetinywordsfinallycameintofocus,Isuckedinasharpbreath.“NewZealand?We’regoingtoNewZealand?”
“EarlynextyearwhenIhavevacationdaysagain.ButIboughtflexibleticketssowecanchangethedatesincaseyoucan’ttakethatweekoffatyournewjob.”Josh’sgrinnearlyblindedme.“Excited?”
“Areyoufreakingkidding?It’sNewZealand!”Mystomachflippedasimagesofsnow-cappedmountainsandpristinebluewatersfilledmymind.OutsideoftheUS,I’donlybeentoEldorra,Canada,Mexico,andafewCaribbeanislands.NewZealandwasoneofthetopdestinationsonmybucketlist.
“WhatifIhadn’tpassed?”Iasked,staringatthee-ticketagaintomakesureitwasreal.
Yep,theretheywere.Myname,thetraveldates,andthedestination.Allreal.
Heshrugged.“Thenitwould’vebeenacomfortgift.”
Emotioncloggedmythroatandcrawledintomychest.“JoshChen,sometimesyouare…”Isetthephoneasideandkissedhim.Forgetsaltedcaramel.Nothingtastedasgoodashim—likemintandsex.“Tolerable.”
“Tolerable?”Hehitchedaneyebrow.“That’snotgood.I’msupposedtobeinsufferable,andyou…”Hethreadedhisfingersthroughmyhairandgaveitagentleyank.“You’resupposedtohateme.”
IdugmynailsintohisthighuntilIheardhissharpinhale.“Ido.”
Aslowsmilespreadacrosshisface.“Showme.”
IdugmynailsharderinhisskinbeforeItrailedthemoverhischestandclimbedontopofhim.Ituggedhardonhishairandflinchedwhenhespankedmyassagain,thistimesohardthestingreverberatedthroughmybody.
Wetnesscoatedmythighs,andImoaned,alltracesofdrowsinessgone.
Screwwalkingproperly.Itwasoverratedanyway.
***
JOSH
Fourmonthslater
“IfIdie,Iwilldragyoutohellandtormentyouforeternity.”Juleswrappedanarmaroundmywaist,herfaceseveralshadespalerthanusualasweshuffledtowardtheedgeoftheplatform.
Behindus,thebungeejumpoperatorcheckedourharnessesonelasttime.
“Ifyoudie,Idie,Red.”Igrinnedandkissedhercheek.“Hellwithyousoundslikeheaventome.”
Hertenseexpressioncracked.“Thatwascornyasfuck,Josh.”
“Yeah,so?I’mhotenoughtopullitoff.”Ipeereddownattheriverbelowus.“Besides,youmaywanttobenicetome.Youdon’twantourlastwordstobeinsults,doyou?”
ItwasourlastfulldayinNewZealand,andwewereatQueenstown’sKawarauBridgeforatandembungeejump.Juleshadtakenallourpreviousactivitiesinstride—skydiving,paragliding,whooshingacrossacanyonwiththeShotoverCanyonSwing.Butshe’dneverlookedasnervousasshedidnow.
Herfacepaledfurther.“Don’tsaythat.”
“I’mkidding,I’mkidding.”Itightenedmyarmaroundherwaist.“We’llbefine.Trustme.”
“Webetterbe,orIpromise,I’llletCerberusbiteyourgenitalsoff.”
Igrinned.Ilovedwhenshegotviolent.
“Areyouready?”Theoperatorasked,keepingaholdonthebacksofourharnesses.
IlookedatJules,whotookadeepbreathandnodded.
“We’regood,”Isaid.
Myheartcrashedagainstmyribcageinanticipation.
Theoperatorgaveusasmallpush,and…
Wejumped.Fastandhard,thewindwhistlinginourearsasweplummetedtowardthedeepturquoisewatersoftheKawarauRiver.
Jules’sscreammingledwithmyexhilaratedlaugh.
Fuck,Imissedthis.Theadrenaline.Therush.Thefeelingofbeingsoalivethattheentireworldlituparoundyou
Butitwasn’tjustthebungeejump.ItwasthefactIwasexperiencingitwithJules.Nooneandnothingcouldmakemefeelasaliveasshedid.
Icapturedhermouthinakiss,distractingherfromtherope’srecoil.Formostpeople,therecoilwasthemostterrifyingpartofbungeejumping,andshewasalreadynervousenough.
Hermusclestensed,buttheyrelaxedagainwhenIdeepenedthekissandtightenedaprotectivearmaroundherwaist.Shedidn’tscreamagainonourwaydown.
Pridebloomedinmychest.That’smygirl.
Araftwaitedforusattheendofourlastfreefall.Thetwostaffmembersunhookedusfromourharnesses,andwecollapsed,faceup,onthemattress-likecushion.
“Holy.Shit,”Juleswheezedaftershecaughtherbreath.
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