TwistedLove
TwistedBookOne
AnaHuangCopyright?2021byAnaHuang
Allrightsreserved.
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreviewandcertainothernoncommercialusepermittedbycopyrightlaw.
Resemblancetoactualpersonsandthingslivingordead,locales,oreventsisentirelycoincidental.
TWISTEDLOVE
:
CoverDesigner:
QuirahCasey,TemptationCreations
Editor:
AmyBriggs,BriggsConsultingLLC
Proofreader:
KristaBurdine
Photographer:
RafaGCatala
Model:
JorgeDelRioRomeroTomymom,forallhersupportandencouragementovertheyears.
Mom,ifyou’rereadingthis,turnbackimmediately.Therearescenesinherethatwillscaryouforlife.Contents
Playlist
Synopsis
1.Ava
2.Alex
3.Ava
4.Ava
5.Alex
6.Ava
7.Alex
8.Ava
9.Alex
10.Ava
11.Ava
12.Ava
13.Alex
14.Ava
15.Ava
16.Alex
17.Ava
18.Alex
19.Ava
20.Alex
21.Ava
22.Alex
23.Ava
24.Ava
25.Ava
26.Ava
27.Ava
28.Alex
29.Ava
30.Ava
31.Alex
32.Ava
33.Alex
34.Alex
35.Alex
36.Ava
37.Alex
38.Alex
39.Ava
40.Alex
41.Ava
42.Ava
43.Ava
Epilogue
BooksbyAnaHuang
KeepintouchwithAnaHuang
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor“Twisted”—MISSIO
“IceBox”—Omarion
“FeelAgain”—OneRepublic
“DuskTillDawn”—ZAYN&Sia
“SetFiretotheRain”—Adele
“Burn”—EllieGoulding
“MyKindofLove”—EmeliSandé
“Writing’sontheWall”—SamSmith
“Ghost”—EllaHenderson
“WhatDoesn’tKillYou”—KellyClarkson
“WideAwake”—KatyPerry
“YouSangtoMe”—MarcAnthonyHehasaheartofice…butforher,he’dburntheworld.
AlexVolkovisadevilblessedwiththefaceofanangelandcursedwithapasthecan’tescape.
Drivenbyatragedythathashauntedhimformostofhislife,hisruthlesspursuitsforsuccessandvengeanceleavelittleroomformattersoftheheart.
Butwhenhe’sforcedtolookafterhisbestfriend’ssister,hestartstofeelsomethinginhischest:
Acrack.
Amelt.
Afirethatcouldendhisworldasheknewit.
***
AvaChenisafreespirittrappedbynightmaresofachildhoodshecan’tremember.
Butdespiteherbrokenpast,she’sneverstoppedseeingthebeautyintheworld…includingtheheartbeneaththeicyexteriorofamansheshouldn’twant.
Herbrother’sbestfriend.
Herneighbor.
Hersaviorandherdownfall.
Theirsisalovethatwasneversupposedtohappen—butwhenitdoes,itunleashessecretsthatcoulddestroythemboth…andeverythingtheyholddear.1
Ava
Therewereworse
thingsthanbeingstrandedinthemiddleofnowhereduringarainstorm.
Forexample,Icouldberunningfromarabidbearintentonmaulingmeintothenextcentury.OrIcouldbetiedtoachairinadarkbasementandforcedtolistentoAqua’s“BarbieGirl”onrepeatuntilI’drathergnawoffmyarmthanhearthesong’seponymousphraseagain.
Butjustbecausethingscouldbeworsedidn’tmeantheydidn’tsuck.
Stop.Thinkpositivethoughts.
“AnUberwillshowup…now.
”Istaredatmyphone,bitingbackmyfrustrationwhentheappreassuredmeitwas“findingmyride”,thewayithadbeenforthepasthalfhour.
Normally,I’dbelessstressedaboutthesituationbecausehey,atleastIhadaworkingphoneandabussheltertokeepmemostlydryfromthepoundingrain.ButJosh’sfarewellpartywasstartinginanhour,Ihadyettopickuphissurprisecakefromthebakery,anditwouldbedarksoon.Imaybeaglasshalffullkindagal,butIwasn’tanidiot.Noone—especiallynotacollegegirlwithzerofightingskillstospeakof—wantstofindherselfaloneinthemiddleofnowhereafterdark.
Ishould’vetakenthoseself-defenseclasseswithJuleslikeshewanted.
Imentallyscrolledthroughmylimitedoptions.Thebusthatstoppedatthislocationdidn’trunontheweekends,andmostofmyfriendsdidn’townacar.Bridgethadcarservice,butshewasatanembassyeventuntilseven.Uberwasn’tworking,andIhadn’tseenasinglecarpassbysincetherainstarted.NotthatIwouldhitchhike,anyway—I’vewatchedhorrormovies,thankyouverymuch.
Ionlyhadoneoptionleft—oneIreally
didn’twanttotake—butbeggarscouldn’tbechoosers.
Ipulledupthecontactinmyphone,saidasilentprayer,andpressedthecallbutton.
Onering.Tworings.Three.
Comeon,pickup.Ornot.
Iwasn’tsurewhichwouldbeworse—gettingmurderedordealingwithmybrother.Ofcourse,therewasalwaysthechancesaidbrotherwouldmurdermehimselfforputtingmyselfinsuchasituation,butI’ddealwiththatlater.
“What’swrong?”
Iscrunchedmynoseathisgreeting.“Hellotoyoutoo,brotherdearest.Whatmakesyouthinksomethingiswrong?”
Joshsnorted.“Uh,youcalled
me.Younevercallunlessyou’reintrouble.”
True.Wepreferredtexting,andwelivednextdoortoeachother—notmyidea,bytheway—sowerarelyhadtomessageatall.
“Iwouldn’tsayI’mintrouble,”
Ihedged.“Morelike…stranded.I’mnotnearpublictransport,andIcan’tfindanUber.”
“Christ,Ava.Whereareyou?”
Itoldhim.
“Whatthehellareyoudoingthere?That’sanhourfromcampus!”
“Don’tbedramatic.Ihadanengagementshoot,andit’sathirty-minutedrive.Forty-fiveifthere’straffic.”Thunderboomed,shakingthebranchesofnearbytrees.Iwincedandshrankfartherbackintotheshelter,notthatitdidmemuchgood.Therainslantedsideways,splatteringmewithwaterdropletssoheavyandhardtheystungwhentheyhitmyskin.
ArustlingnoisecamefromJosh’send,followedbyasoftmoan.
Ipaused,sureI’dheardwrong,butnope,thereitwasagain.Anothermoan
Myeyeswidenedinhorror.“Areyouhavingsex
rightnow?”Iwhisper-shouted,eventhoughnooneelsewasaround.
ThesandwichI’dscarfeddownbeforeIleftformyshootthreatenedtomakeareappearance.Therewasnothing—Irepeatnothing—grosserthanlisteningtoarelativewhilethey’remid-coitus.Justthethoughtmademegag.
“Technically,no.”Joshsoundedunrepentant.
Theword“technically”didalotofheavyliftingthere.
Itdidn’ttakeageniustodecipherJosh’svaguereply.Hemaynotbehavingintercourse,butsomething
wasgoingon,andIhadzerodesiretofindoutwhatthat“something”was.
“JoshChen.”
“Hey,you’retheonewhocalledme.”Hemust’vecoveredhisphonewithhishand,becausehisnextwordscamethroughmuffled.Iheardasoft,femininelaughfollowedbyasqueal,andIwantedtobleachmyears,myeyes,mymind.
“Oneoftheguystookmycartobuymoreice,”Joshsaid,hisvoiceclearagain.“Butdon’tworry,Igotyou.Dropapinonyourexactlocationandkeepyourphoneclose.DoyoustillhavethepeppersprayIboughtforyourbirthdaylastyear?”
“Yes.Thanksforthat,bytheway.”I’dwantedanewcamerabag,butJoshhadboughtmeaneight-packofpeppersprayinstead.I’dneverusedanyofit,whichmeantalleightbottles—minustheonetuckedinmypurse—weresittingsnuginthebackofmycloset.
Mysarcasmwentovermybrother’shead.Forastraight-Apre-medstudent,hecouldbequitedense.“You’rewelcome.Stayput,andhe’llbetheresoon.We’lltalkaboutyourcompletelackofself-preservationlater.”
“I’mself-preserved,”IprotestedWasthattherightword?
“It’snotmyfaulttherearenoUb—wait,whatdoyoumean‘he’?Josh!”
Toolate.He’dalreadyhungup.
FiguredtheonetimeIwantedhimtoelaborate,he’dditchmeforoneofhisbedbuddies.Iwassurprisedhehadn’tfreakedoutmore,consideringJoshputthe“over”inoverprotective.Eversince“TheIncident,”he’dtakenituponhimselftolookaftermelikehewasmybrotherandbodyguardrolledintoone.Ididn’tblamehim—ourchildhoodhadbeenahundredshadesofmessedup,orsoI’dbeentold—andIlovedhimtopieces,buthisconstantworryingcouldbeabitmuch.
Isatsidewaysonthebenchandhuggedmybagtomyside,lettingthecrackedleatherwarmmyskinwhileIwaitedforthemysterious“he”toshowup.Itcouldbeanyone.Joshhadnoshortageoffriends.He’dalwaysbeenMr.Popular—basketballplayer,studentbodypresident,andhomecomingkinginhighschool;SigmafraternitybrotherandBigManonCampusincollege.
Iwashisopposite.Notun
popularperse,butIshiedawayfromthelimelightandwouldratherhaveasmallgroupofclosefriendsthanalargegroupoffriendlyacquaintances.WhereJoshwasthelifeoftheparty,IsatinthecorneranddaydreamedaboutalltheplacesIwouldlovetovisitbutwouldprobablynevergetto.Notifmyphobiahadanythingtodowithit.
Mydamnphobia.
Iknewitwasallmental,butitfelt
physical.Thenausea,theracingheart,theparalyzingfearthatturnedmylimbsintouseless,frozenthings
…
Onthebrightside,atleastIwasn’tafraidofrain.Oceansandlakesandpools,Icouldavoid,butrain…yeah,thatwould’vebeenbad.
Iwasn’tsurehowlongIhuddledinthetinybusshelter,cursingmylackofforesightwhenIturneddowntheGraysons’offertodrivemebacktotownafterourshoot.Ihadn’twantedtoinconveniencethemandthoughtIcouldcallanUberandbebackatThayer’scampusinhalfanhour,buttheskiesopeneduprightafterthecoupleleftand,well,hereIwas.
Itwasgettingdark.Mutedgraysmingledwiththecoolbluesoftwilight,andpartofmeworriedthemysterious“he”wouldn’tshowup,butJoshhadneverletmedown.Ifoneofhisfriendsfailedtopickmeuplikehe’dasked,theywouldn’thaveworkinglegstomorrow.Joshwasamedstudent,buthehadzerocompunctionaboutusingviolencewhenthesituationcalledforit—especiallywhenthesituationinvolvedme.
Thebrightbeamofheadlightsslashedthroughtherain.Isquinted,myhearttrippinginbothanticipationandwarinessasIweighedtheoddsofwhetherthecarbelongedtomyrideorapotentialpsycho.ThispartofMarylandwasprettysafe,butyouneverknew.
Whenmyeyesadjustedtothelight,Islumpedwithrelief,onlytostiffenagaintwosecondslater.
Goodnews?Irecognizedthesleek,blackAstonMartinpullinguptowardme.ItbelongedtooneofJosh’sfriends,whichmeantIwouldn’tendupalocalnewsitemtonight.
Badnews?ThepersondrivingsaidAstonMartinwasthelast
personIwanted—orexpected—topickmeup.Hewasn’tanI’lldomybuddyafavorandrescuehisstrandedlittlesister
kindaguy.HewasalookatmewrongandI’lldestroyyouandeveryoneyoucareabout
kindaguy,andhe’ddoitlookingsocalmandgorgeousyouwouldn’tnoticeyourworldburningdownaroundyouuntilyouwerealreadyaheapofashesathisTomFord-cladfeet.
Iswipedthetipofmytongueovermydrylipsasthecarstoppedinfrontofmeandthepassengerwindowrolleddown.
“Getin.”
Hedidn’traisehisvoice—heneverraisedhisvoice—butIstillheardhimloudandclearovertherain.
AlexVolkovwasaforceofnatureuntohimself,andIimaginedeventheweatherbowedtohim.
“Ihopeyou’renotwaitingformetoopenthedoorforyou,”hesaidwhenIdidn’tmove.HesoundedashappyasIwasaboutthesituation.
Whatagentleman.
IpressedmylipstogetherandbitbackasarcasticreplyasIrousedmyselffromthebenchandduckedintothecar.Itsmelledcoolandexpensive,likespicycologneandfineItalianleather.Ididn’thaveatoweloranythingtoplaceontheseatbeneathme,soallIcoulddowasprayIdidn’tdamagetheexpensiveinterior.
“Thanksforpickingmeup.Iappreciateit,”Isaidinanattempttobreaktheicysilence.
Ifailed.Miserably.
Alexdidn’trespondorevenlookatmeashenavigatedthetwistsandcurvesoftheslickroadsleadingbacktocampus.Hedrovethesamewayhewalked,talked,andbreathed—steadyandcontrolled,withanundercurrentofdangerwarningthosefoolishenoughtocontemplatecrossinghimthatdoingsowouldbetheirdeathsentence.
HewastheexactoppositeofJosh,andIstillmarveledatthefactthattheywerebestfriends.Personally,IthoughtAlexwasanasshole.Iwassurehehadhisreasons,somekindofpsychologicaltraumawhichshapedhimintotheunfeelingrobothewastoday.BasedonthesnippetsI’dgleanedfromJosh,Alex’schildhoodhadbeenevenworsethanours,thoughI’dnevermanagedtopullthedetailsoutofmybrother.AllIknewwas,Alex’sparentshaddiedwhenhewasyoungandlefthimapileofmoneyhe’dquadrupledthevalueofwhenhecameintohisinheritanceatageeighteen.Notthathe’dneededitbecausehe’dinventedanewfinancialmodelingsoftwareinhighschoolthatmadehimamultimillionairebeforehecouldvote.
WithanIQof160,AlexVolkovwasagenius,orclosetoit.HewastheonlypersoninThayer’shistorytocompleteitsfive-yearjointundergrad/MBAprograminthreeyears,andatagetwenty-six,hewastheCOOofoneofthemostsuccessfulrealestatedevelopmentcompaniesinthecountry.Hewasalegend,andheknewit.
Meanwhile,IthoughtIwasdoingwellifIrememberedtoeatwhilejugglingmyclasses,extracurriculars,andtwojobs—frontdeskdutyattheMcCannGallery,andmysidehustleasaphotographerforanyonewhowouldhireme.Graduations,engagements,dogs’birthdayparties,Ididthemall.
“AreyougoingtoJosh’sparty?”Itriedagaintomakesmalltalk.Thesilencewaskillingme.
AlexandJoshhadbeenbestfriendssincetheyroomedtogetheratThayereightyearsago,andAlexhadjoinedmyfamilyforThanksgivingandassortedholidayseveryyearsince,butIstilldidn’tknow
him.AlexandIdidn’ttalkunlessithadtodowithJoshorpassingthepotatoesatdinnerorsomething.
“Yes.”
Okay,then.
Guesssmalltalkwasout.
MymindwanderedtowardthemillionthingsIhadtodothatweekend.EditthephotosfromtheGraysons’shootand,workonmyapplicationfortheWorldYouthPhotographyfellowship,helpJoshfinishpackingafter—
Crap!
I’dforgottenallaboutJosh’scake.
I’dorderedittwoweeksagobecausethatwasthemaxleadtimeforsomethingfromCrumble&Bake.ItwasJosh’sfavoritedessert,athree-layerdarkchocolatefrostedwithfudgeandfilledwithchocolatepudding.Heonlyindulgedonhisbirthday,butsincehewasleavingthecountryforayear,Ifiguredhecouldbreakhisonce-a-yearrule.
“So…”Ipastedthebiggest,brightestsmileonmyface.“Don’tkillme,butweneedtomakeadetourtoCrumble&Bake.”
“No.We’realreadylate.”Alexstoppedataredlight.We’dmadeitbacktocivilization,andIspottedtheblurredoutlinesofaStarbucksandaPanerathroughtherain-splatteredglass.
Mysmiledidn’tbudge.“It’sasmall
detour.It’lltakefifteenminutes,max.IjustneedtoruninandpickupJosh’scake.Youknow,theDeathbyChocolatehelikessomuch?He’llbeinCentralAmericaforayear,theydon’thaveC&Bdownthere,andheleavesintwodaysso—”
“Stop.”Alex’sfingerscurledaroundthesteeringwheel,andmycrazy,hormonalmindlatchedontohowbeautifultheywere.Thatmightsoundcrazybecausewhohasbeautifulfingers?
Buthedid.Physically,everything
abouthimwasbeautiful.Thejade-greeneyesthatglaredoutfrombeneathdarkbrowslikechipshewnfromaglacier;thesharpjawlineandelegant,sculptedcheekbones;theleanframeandthick,lightbrownhairthatsomehowlookedbothtousledandperfectlycoiffed.HeresembledastatueinanItalianmuseumcometolife.
TheinsaneurgetorufflehishairlikeIwouldakid’sgrippedme,justsohe’dstoplookingsoperfect—whichwasquiteirritatingtotherestofusmeremortals—butIdidn’thaveadeathwish,soIkeptmyhandsplantedinmylap.
“IfItakeyoutoCrumble&Bake,willyoustoptalking?”
Nodoubtheregrettedpickingmeup.
Mysmilegrew.“Ifyouwant.”
Hislipsthinned.“Fine.”
Yes!
AvaChen:One.
AlexVolkov:Zero.
Whenwearrivedatthebakery,IunbuckledmyseatbeltandwashalfwayoutthedoorwhenAlexgrabbedmyarmandpulledmebackintomyseat.ContrarytowhatI’dexpected,histouchwasn’tcold—itwasscorching,anditburnedthroughmyskinandmusclesuntilIfeltitswarmthinthepitofmystomach.
Iswallowedhard.Stupidhormones.
“What?We’realreadylate,andthey’reclosingsoon.”
“Youcan’tgooutlikethat.”Thetiniesthintofdisapprovaletchedintothecornersofhismouth.
“Likewhat?”Iasked,confused.IworejeansandaT-shirt,nothingscandalous.
Alexinclinedhisheadtowardmychest.Iglanceddownandletoutahorrifiedyelp.Becausemyshirt?White.Wet.Transparent.
Notevenalittletransparent,likeyoucouldkindof
seemybraoutlineifyoulookedhardenough.Thiswasfull-onsee-through.Redlacebra,hardnipples—thanks,air-conditioning—thewholeshebang.
Icrossedmyarmsovermychest,myfaceflamingthesamecolorasmybra.“Wasitlikethistheentiretime?”
“Yes.”
“Youcould’vetoldme.”
“Ididtellyou.Justnow.”
Sometimes,Iwantedtostranglehim.Ireallydid.AndIwasn’tevenaviolentperson.Iwasthesamegirlwhodidn’teatgingerbreadmancookiesforyearsafterwatchingShrekbecauseIfeltlikeIwaseatingGingy’sfamilymembersor,worse,Gingyhimself,butsomethingaboutAlexprovokedmydarkside.
Iexhaledasharpbreathanddroppedmyarmsbyinstinct,forgettingaboutmysee-throughshirtuntilAlex’sgazeflickeddowntomychestagain.
Theflamingcheeksreturned,butIwassickofsittingherearguingwithhim.Crumble&Bakeclosedintenminutes,andtheclockwasticking.
Maybeitwastheman,theweather,orthehourandahalfI’dspentstuckunderabusshelter,butmyfrustrationspilledoutbeforeIcouldstopit.“Insteadofbeinganassholeandstaringatmybreasts,canyoulendmeyourjacket?BecauseIreallywanttogetthiscakeandsendmybrother,yourbestfriend,offinstylebeforeheleavesthecountry.”
MywordshungintheairwhileIclappedahandovermymouth,horrified.DidIjustuttertheword“breasts”toAlexVolkovandaccusehimofoglingme?And
callhimanasshole?
DearGod,ifyousmitemewithlightningrightnow,Iwon’tbemad.Promise.
Alex’seyesnarrowedafractionofaninch.ItrankedinthetopfivemostemotionalresponsesI’dpulledoutofhimineightyears,sothatwassomething.
“Trustme,Iwasnotstaringatyourbreasts,”hesaid,hisvoicefrigidenoughtotransformthelingeringdropsofmoistureonmyskinintoicicles.“You’renotmytype,evenifyouweren’tJosh’ssister.”
Ouch.
Iwasn’tinterestedinAlexeither,butnogirlenjoysbeingdismissedsoeasilybyamemberoftheoppositesex.
“Whatever.There’snoneedtobeajerkaboutit,”Imuttered.“Look,C&Bclosesintwominutes.Justletmeborrowyourjacket,andwecangetoutofhere.”
I’dpre-paidonline,soallIneededwastograbthecake.
Amuscletickedinhisjaw.“I’llgetit.You’renotleavingthecardressedlikethat,evenwearingmyjacket.”
Alexyankedanumbrellaoutfrombeneathhisseatandexitedthecarinonefluidmotion.Hemovedlikeapanther,allcoiledgraceandlaserintensity.Ifhewanted,hecouldmakeakillingasarunwaymodel,thoughIdoubtedhe’deverdoanythingso“gauche.”
HereturnedlessthanfiveminuteslaterwithCrumble&Bake’ssignaturepink-and-mint-greencakeboxtuckedbeneathonearm.Hedumpeditinmylap,snappedhisumbrellaclosed,andreversedoutoftheparkingspotwithoutsomuchasblinking.
“Doyoueversmile?”Iasked,peekinginsidetheboxtomakesuretheyhadn’tmesseduptheorder.Nope.OneDeathbyChocolate,comingrightup.“Itmighthelpwithyourcondition.”
“Whatcondition?”Alexsoundedbored.
“Stickuptheassitis.”I’dalreadycalledthemananasshole,sowhatwasonemoreinsult?
Imight’veimaginedit,butIthoughtIsawhismouthtwitchbeforeherespondedwithabland,“No.Theconditionischronic.”
Myhandsfrozewhilemyjawunhinged.“D-didyoumakeajoke?”
“Explainwhyyouwereoutthereinthefirstplace.”AlexevadedmyquestionandchangedsubjectssoquickIhadwhiplash.
Hemadeajoke.
Iwouldn’thavebelievedithadInotseenitwithmyowneyes.“Ihadaphotoshootwithclients.There’sanicelakein—”
“Sparemethedetails.Idon’tcare.”
Alowgrowlslippedfrommythroat.“Whyareyou
here?Didn’tfigureyouforthechauffeurtype.”
“Iwasinthearea,andyou’reJosh’slittlesister.Ifyoudied,he’dbeaboretohangoutwith.”Alexpulledupinfrontofmyhouse.Nextdoor,AKAatJosh’shouse,thelightsblazed,andIcouldseepeopledancingandlaughingthroughthewindows.
“Joshhastheworsttasteinfriends,”Ibitout.“Idon’tknowwhatheseesinyou.Ihopethatstickinyourasspuncturesavitalorgan.”Then,becauseI’dbeenraisedwithmanners,Iadded,“Thankyoufortheride.”
Ihuffedoutofthecar.Therainhadslowedtoadrizzle,andIsmelleddampearthandthehydrangeasclusteredinapotbythefrontdoor.I’dshower,change,thencatchthelasthalfofJosh’sparty.Hopefully,hewouldn’tgivemeshitforgettingstrandedorbeinglatebecauseIwasn’tinthemood.
Ineverstayangryforlong,butrightthen,mybloodsimmeredandIwantedtopunchAlexVolkovintheface.
Hewassocoldandarrogantand…and…him.
Itwasinfuriating.
AtleastIdidn’thavetodealwithhimoften.Joshusuallyhungoutwithhiminthecity,andAlexdidn’tvisitThayereventhoughhewasanalumnus.
ThankGod.
IfIhadtoseeAlexmorethanafewtimesayear,I’dgocrazy.2
Alex
“Weshouldtake
thissomewheremore…private.”Theblondetrailedherfingersdownmyarm,herhazeleyesbrightwithinvitationassheswipedhertongueoverherbottomlip.“Ornot.Whateveryou’reinto.”
Mylipscurved—notenoughtoclassifyasasmile,butenoughtobroadcastmythoughts.Youcan’thandlewhatI’minto.
Despitehershort,tightdressandsuggestivewords,shelookedlikethetypewhoexpectedsweetnothingsandlovemakinginbed.
Ididn’tdosweetnothingsorlovemaking.
Ifuckedacertainway,andonlyaspecifictypeofwomanwasintothatshit.NothardcoreBDSM,butnotsoft.Nokissing,noface-to-facecontact.Womenagreed,thentriedtochangeituphalfwaythrough,afterwhichI’dstopandshowthemthedoor.Ihavenotoleranceforpeoplewhocan’tkeeptoasimpleagreement.
ThatwaswhyIstucktoarosteroffamiliarrotatingnameswhenIneededarelease;bothsidesknewwhattoexpect.
Theblondewasnotmakingitontothatroster.
“Nottonight.”Iswirledtheiceinmyglass.“It’smyfriend’sfarewellparty.”
ShefollowedmygazetowardJosh,whowasbaskinginfemaleattentionofhisown.Hesprawledonthecouch,oneofthefewremainingpiecesoffurnitureafterhe’dpackedthehouseupinanticipationofhisyearabroad,andgrinnedwhilethreewomenfawnedoverhim.He’dalwaysbeenthecharmingone.WhileIputpeopleonedge,heputthematease,andhisapproachtowardthefairersexwastheoppositeofmine.Themore,themerrier,accordingtoJosh.He’dprobablyfuckedhalftheD.C.metroarea’sfemalepopulationbynow.
“Hecanjointoo.”Theblondeedgedcloseruntilhertitsgrazedmyarm.“Idon’tmind.”
“Same.”Herfriend,apetitebrunettewhohadbeenquietuptillnowbutwho’deyedmelikeIwasajuicysteaksinceIwalkedinthedoor,pipedup.“LyssandIdoeverything
together.”
Theinsinuationcouldn’thavebeenclearerhadshetattooeditacrossherexposedcleavage.
Mostguyswould’vejumpedattheopportunity,butIwasalreadyboredwiththeconversation.Nothingturnedmeoffmorethandesperation,whichreekedstrongerthantheirperfume.
Ididn’tbotheranswering.Instead,Iscannedtheroomforsomethingmoreinterestingtoholdmyattention.IfitwereapartyforanyoneelsebutJosh,Iwould’veskippedit.BetweenmyjobasCOOofTheArcherGroupandmy…sideproject,Ihadenoughonmyplatewithoutattendingpointlesssocialgatherings.ButJoshwasmybestfriend—oneofthefewpeoplewhosecompanyIcouldstandformorethananhouratatime—andhewasleavingMondayforhisgapyearasamedicalvolunteerinCentralAmerica.SohereIwas,pretendinglikeIactuallywantedtobehere.
Asilverylaughpealedthroughtheair,drawingmyeyestowardthesource.
Ava.
Ofcourse.
Josh’slittlesisterwassosweetandsunshineyallthetime,Ihalf-expectedflowerstosproutonthegroundwherevershewalkedandacoterieofsingingwoodlandanimalstotrailbehindherwhileshetraipsedthroughmeadowsorwhatevergirlslikeherdid.
Shestoodinthecornerwithherfriends,herfacebrightwithanimationasshelaughedatsomethingoneofthemsaid.Iwonderedifitwasareallaughorafakelaugh.Mostlaughs—hell,mostpeople—werefake.Theywokeupeverymorningandputonamaskaccordingtowhattheywantedthatdayandwhotheywantedtheworldtosee.Theysmiledatpeopletheyhated,laughedatjokesthatweren’tfunny,andkissedtheassesofthosetheysecretlyhopedtodethrone.
Iwasn’tjudging.Likeeveryoneelse,Ihadmymasks,andtheyranlayersdeep.Butunlikeeveryoneelse,Ihadasmuchinterestinass-kissingandsmalltalkasIdidininjectingbleachintomyveins.
KnowingAva,herlaughwasreal.
Poorgirl.TheworldwouldeatheraliveonceshelefttheThayerbubble.
Notmyproblem.
“Yo.”Joshappearedbesideme,hishairtousledandhismouthstretchedintoawidegrin.Hishangers-onwerenowhere—wait,nope.Theretheywere,dancingtoBeyoncéliketheywereauditioningforagigatTheStripAngelwhileacircleofguyswatchedthemwiththeirtongueslollingout.Men.
Mygendercouldusealittlemorestandardsandalittlelessthinkingwiththeirsmallhead.“Thanksforshowingup,man.SorryIhaven’tsaidhitillnow.I’vebeen…busy.”
“Isaw.”Iarchedaneyebrowatthelipstickprintsmearedonthecornerofhismouth.“Youhavealittlesomethingonyourface.”
Hisgrinwidened.“Badgeofhonor.Speakingofwhich,I’mnotinterrupting,amI?”
Iglancedattheblondeandbrunette,who’dmovedontomakingoutwitheachotherafterfailingtocapturemyinterest.
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Ahundredbuckssaysyouwon’tsurvivethefullyearinBumfuck,Nowhere.Nowomen,noparties.You’llbebackbeforeHalloween.”
“Oh,yeoflittlefaith.There’llbewomen,andthepartyiswhereverIam.”Joshswipedanunopenedbeerfromanearbycoolerandcrackeditopen.“Iactuallywantedtotalktoyouaboutthat.Mebeinggone,”heclarified.
“Don’ttellmeyou’regettingsentimentalonme.Ifyouboughtusfriendshipbracelets,I’mout.”
“Fuckyou,dude.”Helaughed.“Iwouldn’tbuyyourassjewelryifyou
paidme.
No,thisisaboutAva.”
MyglasspausedaninchfrommylipsbeforeIbroughtithomeandthesweetburnofwhiskeyfloweddownmythroat.Ihatebeer.Ittasteslikepiss,butsinceitwasthedrinkdujouratJosh’sparties,IalwaysbroughtaflaskofMacallanwheneverIvisited.
“Whatabouther?”
Joshandhissisterwereclose,eveniftheybickeredsomuchIwantedtoducttapetheirmouthssometimes.Thatwasthenatureofsiblings—somethingI’dneverquitegottentoexperience.
Thewhiskeyturnedsourinmymouth,andIsetmyglassdownwithagrimace
“I’mworriedabouther.”Joshrubbedahandoverhisjaw,hisexpressiongrowingserious.“Iknowshe’sabiggirlandcantakecareofherself—unlessshe’sgettingstrandedinthemiddleoffuckingnowhere;thanksforpickingherup,bytheway—butshe’sneverbeenonherownforsolongandshecanbealittletoo…trusting.”
IhadaninklingofwhereJoshwasgoingwiththis,andIdidn’tlikeit.Atall.“Shewon’tbealone.Shehasherfriends.”Iinclinedmyheadtowardsaidfriends.Oneofthem,acurvyredheadinagoldskirtthatmadeherlooklikeadiscoball,chosethatmomenttohopontothetableandshakeherasstotherapsongblastingthroughthespeakers.
Joshsnorted.“Jules?She’saliability,nothelp.StellaisastrustingasAva,andBridget…well,shehassecurity,butshe’snotaroundasmuch.”
“Youdon’tneedtoworry.Thayer’ssafe,andthecrimeratehereisclosetozero.”
“Yeah,butI’dfeelbetterifIhadsomeoneItrustedlookingafterher,yaknow?”
Fuck.
Thetrainwasheadingstraightoffacliff,andIcouldn’tdoanythingtostopit.
“Iwouldn’task—Iknowyou’vegotalotofshitgoingon—butshebrokeupwithherexacoupleofweeksago,andhe’sbeenharassingher.Ialwaysknewhewasalittleshit,butshewouldn’tlistentome.Anyway,ifyoucouldkeepaneyeonher—justtomakesureshedoesn’tgetkilledorkidnappedoranything?I’doweyoubig.”
“YoualreadyowemeforallthosetimesIsavedyourass,”Isaidwryly.
“Youhadfunwhiledoingit.You’retoouptightsometimes.”Joshgrinned.“So,isthatayes?”
IglancedatAvaagain.Tookherin.Shewastwenty-two,fouryearsyoungerthanJoshandme,andshemanagedtoappearbothyoungerandolderthanheryears.Itwasthewayshecarriedherself,likeshe’dseenitall—thegood,thebad,thedownrightugly—andstillbelievedingoodness.
Itwasasstupidasitwasadmirable
Shemust’vefeltmestaringbecauseshepausedherconversationandlookeddirectlyatme,hercheekstintingpinkatmyunflinchinggaze.She’dchangedoutofherjeansandT-shirtintoapurpledressthatswirledaroundherknees.
Toobad.
Thedresswasnice,butmymindflashedbacktoourcarride,whenherdampshirthadclungtoherlikeasecondskinandhernippleshadstrainedagainstthedecadentredlaceofherbra.I’dmeantwhatI’dsaidabouthernotbeingmytype,butI’denjoyedtheview.Icouldimaginemyselfliftingthatshirt,tuggingherbraasidewithmyteeth,
Iyankedmyselfoutofthatstartlingfantasyfast.Whatthefuckwaswrongwithme?ThatwasJosh’ssister
.Innocent,doe-eyed,andsosweetIcouldthrowup.Thetotaloppositeofthesophisticated,jadedwomenIpreferredbothinandoutofbed.Ididn’thavetoworryaboutfeelingswiththelatter;theyknewbetterthantodevelopanyaroundme.Avawasnothingbut
feelings,withahintofsass.
AghostofasmilepassedovermymouthwhenIrememberedherpartingshotearlier.Ihopethatstickinyourasspuncturesavitalorgan.
Nottheworstthinganyone’ssaidtome,notbyalongshot,butmoreaggressivethanI’dexpectedcomingfromher.I’dneverheardhersayabadwordtooraboutanyonebefore.ItookperversepleasureinthefactthatIcouldrileherupsomuch.
“Alex,”Joshprompted.
“Idon’tknow,man.”IdraggedmyeyesawayfromAvaandherpurpledress.“I’mnotmuchofababysitter.”
“Goodthingshe’snotababy,”hequipped.“Look,Iknowthisisabigask,butyou’retheonlypersonItrustnotto,youknow—”
“Fuckher?”
“Jesus,dude.”Joshlookedlikehe’dswallowedalemon.“Don’tusethatwordinrelationtomysister.It’sgross.But…yeah.Imean,webothknowshe’snotyourtype,andevenifshewas,you’dnevergothere.”
AsliverofguiltflashedthroughmewhenIrememberedmyerrantfantasyafewmomentsago.ItwastimeformetocallupsomeonefrommyrosterifIwasfantasizingaboutAvaChen,ofallpeople.
“Butit’smorethanthat,”Joshcontinued.“You’retheonlypersonItrust,period,outsideofmyfamily.AndyouknowhowworriedIamaboutAva,especiallyconsideringthiswholethingwithherex.”Hisfacedarkened.“Iswear,ifIeverseethatfucker…”
Isighed.“I’lltakecareofher.Don’tworry.”
Iwasgoingtoregretthis.Iknewit,yethereIwas,signingmylifeaway,atleastforthenextyear.Ididn’tmakealotofpromises,butwhenIdid,Ikeptthem.Committedmyselftothem.WhichmeantifIpromisedJoshI’dlookafterAva,I’dfuckinglookafterher,andI’mnottalkingaboutatextcheck-ineverytwoweeks.
Shewasundermyprotectionnow.
Afamiliar,creepingsenseofdoomslitheredaroundmyneckandsqueezed,tighterandtighter,untiloxygenranscarceandtinylightsdancedbeforemyeyes.
Blood.Everywhere.
Onmyhands.Onmyclothes.Splatteredoverthecreamrugshe’dlovedsomuch—theoneshe’dbroughtbackfromEuropeonherlasttripabroad.
Aninaneurgetoscrubtherugandtearthosebloodyparticlesoutofthesoftwoolfibers,onebyone,grippedme,butIcouldn’tmove.
AllIcoulddowasstandandstareatthegrotesquesceneinmylivingroom—aroomwhich,nothalfanhourearlier,hadburstwithwarmthandlaughterandlove.Nowitwascoldandlifeless,likethethreebodiesatmyfeet.
Iblinked,andtheydisappeared—thelights,thememories,thenoosearoundmyneck.
Butthey’dcomeback.Theyalwaysdid.
“…You’rethebest,”Joshwassaying,hisgrinbacknowthatI’dagreedtotakeonaroleIhadnobusinesstaking.Iwasn’taprotector;Iwasadestroyer.Ibrokehearts,crushedbusinessopponents,anddidn’tcareabouttheaftermath.Ifsomeonewasstupidenoughtofallformeorcrossme—twothingsIwarnedpeoplenever,evertodo—theyhaditcoming.“I’llbringyouback—fuck,Idon’tknow.Coffee.Chocolate.Poundsofwhateverisgooddownthere.AndIoweyouabig,fatfavorinthefuture.”
Iforcedasmile.BeforeIcouldrespond,myphonerang,andIheldupafinger.“Berightback.Ihavetotakethis.”
“Takeyourtime,man.”Joshwasalreadydistractedbytheblondeandbrunettewho’dbeenallovermeearlierandwhofoundamuchmorewillingaudienceinmybestfriend.BythetimeIsteppedintothebackyardandansweredmycall,theyhadtheirhandsbeneathhisshirt.
“Дядько,”Isaid,usingtheUkrainiantermforuncle.
“Alex.”Myuncle’svoiceraspedovertheline,scratchyfromdecadesofcigarettesandthewearandtearoflife.“IhopeI’mnotinterrupting.”
“No.”Iglancedthroughtheslidingglassdoorattherevelryinside.Joshhadlivedinthesamerambling,two-storyhouseoffThayer’scampussinceundergrad.We’droomedtogetheruntilIgraduatedandmovedtoD.C.propertobeclosertomyoffice—andtogetawayfromthehordesofshrieking,drunkencollegestudentsthatparadedthroughcampusandthesurroundingneighborhoodseverynight.
EveryonehadturnedoutforJosh’sfarewellparty,andbyeveryone,ImeanhalfthepopulationofHazelburg,Maryland,whereThayerwaslocated.Hewasatownfavorite,andIimaginedpeoplewouldmisshispartiesasmuchastheymissedJoshhimself.
Forsomeonewhoalwaysclaimedtobedrowninginschoolwork,hefoundalotoftimefordrinkingandsex.Notthatithurthisacademicperformance.Thebastardhada4.0GPA.
“Didyoutakecareoftheproblem?”myuncleasked.
Iheardadraweropenandclose,followedbythefaintclickofalighter.I’durgedhimtoquitsmokingcountlesstimes,buthealwaysbrushedmeoff.Oldhabitsdiehard;old,bad
habitsevenmoreso,andIvanVolkovhadreachedtheagewherehecouldn’tbebothered.
“Notyet.”Themoonhunglowinthesky,castingribbonsoflightthatsnakedthroughtheotherwise-inkydarknessofthebackyard.Lightandshadow.Twohalvesofthesamecoin.“Iwill.We’reclose.”
Tojustice.Vengeance.Salvation.
Forsixteenyears,thepursuitofthosethreethingshadconsumedme.Theyweremyeverywakingthought,myeverydreamandnightmare.Myreasonforliving.EveninsituationswhenI’dbeendistractedbysomethingelse—thechess-playofcorporatepolitics,thefleetingpleasureofburyingmyselfintothetight,warmheatofawillingbody—they’dlurkedinmyconsciousness,drivingmetogreaterheightsofambitionandruthlessness.
Sixteenyearsmightseemlikealongtime,butIspecializeinthelonggame.Itdoesn’tmatterhowmanyyearsIhavetowaitaslongastheendisworthit.
Andtheendofthemanwhohaddestroyedmyfamily?Itwouldbeglorious.
“Good.”Myunclecoughed,andmylipspinched.
Oneofthesedays,I’dconvincehimtoquitsmoking.Lifehaddrivenanysentimentalityoutofmeyearsago,butIvanwasmyonlylivingrelative.Hetookmein,raisedmeashisown,andstuckbymethrougheverythornytwistofmypathtowardrevenge,soIowedhimthatmuch,atleast.
“Yourfamilywillbeatpeacesoon,”hesaid.
Perhaps.Whetherthesamecouldbesaidofme…well,thatwasaquestionforanotherday.
“There’saboardmeetingnextweek,”Isaid,switchingtopics.“I’llbeintownfortheday.”MyunclewastheofficialCEOofArcherGroup,therealestatedevelopmentcompanyhe’dfoundedadecadeagowithmyguidance.I’dhadaknackforbusinessevenasateenager.
ArcherGroupheadquarterscalledPhiladelphiahome,butithadofficesacrossthecountry.SinceIwasbasedinD.C.,thatwasthecompany’srealpowercenter,thoughboardmeetingsstilltookplaceatHQ.
Icould’vetakenoverasCEOyearsago,permyuncle’sandmyagreementwhenwestartedthecompany,buttheCOOpositionofferedmemoreflexibilityuntilIfinishedwhatIhadtodo.Besides,everyoneknewIwasthepowerbehindthethrone,anyway.IvanwasadecentCEO,butitwasmystrategiesthathadcatapulteditintotheFortune500afterameredecade.
MyuncleandItalkedbusinessforawhilelongerbeforeIhungupandrejoinedtheparty.ThegearsinmyheadcrankedintomotionasItookstockoftheevening’sdevelopments—mypromisetoJosh,myuncle’snudgeabouttheminorhiccupinmyrevengeplan.Somehow,Ihadtoreconcilethetwooverthenextyear.
Imentallyrearrangedthepiecesofmylifeintodifferentpatterns,playingeachscenarioouttotheend,weighingtheprosandcons,andexaminingthemforpotentialcracksuntilIreachedadecision.
“Everythinggood?”Joshcalledoutfromthecouch,wheretheblondekissedhisneckwhilethebrunette’shandsbecameintimatelyacquaintedwiththeregionbelowhisbelt.
“Yes.”Tomyirritation,mygazestrayedtowardAvaagain.Shewasinthekitchen,fussingoverthehalf-eatencakefromCrumble&Bake.Hertannedskinglowedwithafaintsheenofsweatfromdancing,andherravenhairbillowedaroundherfaceinasoftcloud.“Aboutyourearlierrequest…Ihaveanidea.”3
Ava
“Ihope
youappreciatewhatagoodfriendIam.”JulesyawnedaswetrompedacrossourfrontyardtowardJosh’shouse.“ForwakingupatthebuttcrackofdawntohelpyourbrothercleanandpackwhenIdon’tevenlikethedude.”
Ilaughedandloopedmyarmthroughhers.“I’llbuyyouacaramelmochafromTheMorningRoastafter.Promise.”
“Yeah,yeah.”Shepaused.“Large,withextracrunchtoppings?”
“Youknowit.”
“Fine.”Julesyawnedagain.“Thatmakesitsomewhatworthit.”
JulesandJoshwerenotfansofeachother.I’dalwaysfoundthatstrange,consideringtheyweresosimilar.Theywerebothoutgoing,charming,smartashell,andtotalheartbreakers.
JuleswasahumanversionofJessicaRabbit,allshinyredhair,creamyskin,andcurvesthatmademelookatmybodywithasigh.Overall,IwashappywithhowIlooked,butasamemberoftheIttyBittyTittyCommittee,Ididwishforanextracupsizeortwowithouthavingtoresorttoplasticsurgery.Ironically,Julessometimescomplainedaboutherdouble-Ds,sayingtheywerehardonherback.ThereshouldbeaVenmoforbreaststhatallowswomentosendandreceivecupsizeswiththepressofabutton.
LikeIsaid,IwashappywithhowIlookedmostofthetime,butnoone—notevensupermodelsormoviestars—wasimmunefrominsecurities.
Besideshergrievanceswithherbreasts,JuleswasthemostconfidentpersonI’devermet—asidefrommybrother,whoseegowassolargeitcouldhousetheentireEastCoastoftheUnitedStateswithroomleftoverforTexas.Isupposehehadreasontobe,consideringhe’dalwaysbeenthegoldenboy,andthoughitpainedmetoadmititbecausehewasmybrother,hewasn’tbad-lookingeither.Six-foot-twowiththickblackhairandrazor-sharpbonestructure,whichheneverletanyoneforget.IwasconvincedJoshwouldcommissionasculptureofhimselfanddisplayitonhisfrontlawnifhecould.
JulesandJoshneverdivulgedwhytheydislikedeachothersomuch,butIsuspecteditmightbebecausetheysawtoomuchofthemselvesineachother.
Thefrontdoorwasalreadyopen,sowedidn’tbotherknocking.
Tomysurprise,thehousewasprettyclean.Joshhadputmostofhisfurnitureintostoragelastweek,andtheonlythingslefttopackwerethecouch(whichsomeonewouldpickuplater),afewstraykitchenitems,andtheweirdabstractpaintinginthelivingroom.
“Josh?”Myvoiceechoedinthelarge,emptyspacewhileJulessatonthegroundandpulledherkneestoherchestwithagrumpyexpression.Ifyoucouldn’ttell,shewasn’tamorningperson.“Whereareyou?”
“Bedroom!”Iheardaloudthumpupstairs,followedbyamuffledcurse.Aminutelater,Joshcamedownholdingalargecardboardbox.“ShitI’mdonating,”heexplained,settingitonthekitchencounter.
Iwrinkledmynose.“Putashirton.Please.”
“AnddepriveJRofhermorningeyecandy?”Joshsmirked.“I’mnotthatcruel.”
Iwasn’ttheonlyonewhothoughtJuleslookedlikeJessicaRabbit;Joshalwayscalledherbythecartooncharacter’sinitials,whichpissedherofftonoend.Thenagain,everythingJoshdidpissedheroff.
Julesliftedherheadandscowled.“Please.I’veseenbetterabsatthecampusgym.ListentoAvaandputashirtonbeforeIloselastnight’sdinner.”
“Methinkstheladydothprotesttoomuch,”Joshdrawled,slappingahandagainsthissix-pack.“Theonlythingyou’llbelosingis—”
“Okay.”Islashedmyarmsthroughtheair,cuttingofftheconversationbeforeitwentdownapaththat’dscarmeforlife.“Enoughchitchat.Let’sgetyoupackedupbeforeyoumissyourflight.”
Fortunately,JoshandJulesbehavedforthenexthourandahalfwhilewepackeduptheremainingitemsandloadedthemintotheSUVhe’drentedforthemove.
Soon,theonlythinglefttopackwasthepainting.
“Tellmeyou’redonatingthistoo.”Ieyedthemassivecanvas.“Idon’tevenknowhowit’llfitinthecar.”
“Nah,leaveitthere.Helikesit.”
“Who?”AsfarasIknew,noonehadtakenoverJosh’sleaseyet.ButitwasstillJuly,andIexpectedtheplacetogofastclosertothestartofthesemester.
“You’llsee.”
Ididn’tlikethesmileonhisface.Atall.
Thelowpurrofapowerfulenginefilledtheair.
Josh’ssmilebroadened.“Asamatteroffact,you’llseerightnow.”
JulesandIexchangedglancesbeforewerantothefrontdoorandpusheditopen.
AfamiliarAstonMartinidledinthedriveway.Thedooropened,andAlexsteppedout,lookingmoregorgeousthananyhumanhadtherighttolookinjeans,aviators,andablackbutton-downshirtwiththesleevesrolledup.
Hetookoffhissunglassesandassesseduswithcooleyes,unfazedbytheminiwelcomingpartyonthefrontsteps.
OnlyIdidn’tfeelparticularlywelcoming.
“But…butthat’sAlex,”Istammered.
“Lookingmiiiightyfine,mightIadd.”Julesnudgedmeintheribs,andIscowledinresponse.Whocaredifhewashot?Hewasajerk.
“Hey,dude.”JoshslappedhandswithAlex.“Where’syourstuff?”
“Movingcompany’sbringingitlater.”Alexside-eyedJules,whoassessedhimthewayonewouldashinynewtoy.BesidesJosh,Alexwastheonlyguywho’dneverfallenforhercharms,whichintriguedhermore.Shewasasuckerforagoodchallenge,probablybecausemostguysfellatherfeetbeforesheevenopenedhermouth.
“Wait.”Iputmyhandup,myheartslammingapanickedrhythmagainstmyribcage.“Movingcomp—you’renotmovinghere.
”
“Actually,heis.”Joshslunganarmovermyshoulder,hiseyestwinklingwithmischief.“Meetyournewneighbor,littlesis.”
Myeyesping-pongedbetweenhimandAlex,whocouldn’tlookmoreboredbytheconversation.
“No.”TherewasonlyonereasonAlexVolkovwouldleavehiscushyD.C.penthouseandmovebacktoHazelburg,andI’dbetmynewcameraithadnothingtodowithnostalgiaforhiscollegedays.“No,no,no,no,no.”
“Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes.”
Iglaredatmybrother.“Idon’t
needababysitter.I’mtwenty-twoyearsold.”
“Whosaidanythingaboutbabysitting?”Joshshrugged.“He’slookingafterthehouseforme.I’mmovingbackinwhenIreturnnextyear,soitmakessense.”
“Bullshit.Youwanthimtokeepaneyeonme.”
“That’sabonus.”Josh’sfacesoftened.“Itdoesn’thurttohavesomeoneyoucanrelyonwhenI’mnothere,especiallygiventhiswholethingwithLiam.”
Iwincedatthementionofmyex.LiamhadbeenblowingupmyphonesinceIcaughthimcheatingonmeamonthandahalfago.He’devenshownupatthegallerywhereIworkedafewtimes,beggingforanotherchance.Iwasn’tdevastatedbyourbreakup.We’ddatedforafewmonths,andIhadn’tbeeninlovewithhimoranything,butthesituationhadbroughtallmyinsecuritiestothesurface.JoshworriedaboutLiamgettingoutofhand,butlet’sbehonest,LiamwasaBrooks-Brother-wearing,polo-playingtrustfundbaby.Idoubtedhe’ddoanythingthatwouldmessuphisperfectlygelledhair.
IwasmoreembarrassedI’ddatedhimthanconcernedaboutmyphysicalsafety.
“Icanhandlemyself.”IpulledJosh’sarmoffmyshoulder.“Callthemovingcompanyandcancel,”ItoldAlex,who’dbeenignoringusandscrollingthroughhisphonethiswholetime.“Youdonot
needtomovehere.Don’tyouhave…stufftodoinD.C.?”
“D.C.isatwenty-minutedrive,”hesaidwithoutlookingup.
“Fortherecord,Iamtotallyinfavorofyoumovinginnextdoor,”Julespipedup.Traitor.
“Doyoumowthelawnshirtless?Ifnot,Ihighlyrecommendit.”
AlexandJoshfrownedatthesametime.
“You.”Joshpointedather.“Donot
pullanyofyourshenaniganswhileI’mgone.”
“It’scutehowyouthinkyouhaveasayinmylife.”
“Idon’tgiveashitwhatyoudowithyourlife.It’swhenyoudragAvaintoyourharebrainedschemesI’mconcerned.”
“Newsflash:youdon’thaveasayinAva’slifeeither.She’sherownperson.”
“She’smysister—”
“She’smybestfriend—”
“Rememberwhenyoualmostgotherarrested—”
“Youhave
toletthatgo.Thatwasthreeyearsago—”
“People!”Ipressedmyfingerstomytemple.DealingwithJoshandJuleswaslikedealingwithchildren.“Stoparguing.Josh,stoptryingtocontrolmylife.Jules,stopprovokinghim.”
Joshcrossedhisarmsoverhischest.“Asyourbigbrother,it’smyjobtoprotectyouandtoappointsomeonetofillinformewhenI’mnothere.”
Igrewupwithhim;Irecognizedthatlookonhisface.Hewasn’tbudging.
“IassumeAlexisthefill-in?”Iaskedinaresignedtone.
“I’mnota‘fill-in’anything,”Alexsaidicily.“Don’tdoanythingstupid,andwe’llbefine.”
Igroanedandcoveredmyfacewithmyhands.
Thiswasgoingtobealongyear.4
Ava
Twodayslater,
JoshwasinCentralAmericaandAlexwasallmovedin.I’dwatchedthemoverscarryagiantflat-screenTVandboxesofvaryingsizesintothehousenextdoor,andAlex’sAstonMartinwasnowadailysight.
Sincestewingovermysituationwouldn’tdomemuchgood,Idecidedtomakelemonadeoutofmylemons.
ThegalleryclosedonTuesdaysduringthesummerandIdidn’thaveanyshootsscheduled,soIspenttheafternoonbakingmysignatureredvelvetcookies
I’djustfinishedpackagingtheminacutelittlebasketwhenIheardtheunmistakableroarofAlex’scarpullinginthedriveway,followedbyadoorslam.
Shit.
Okay,Iwasready.Iwas.
Iwipedmysweatypalmsagainstthesidesofmythighs.Ishouldn’tbenervousaboutbringingthemancookies,forPete’ssake.AlexhadsatatourThanksgivingtableeveryyearforthepasteightyears,andforallhismoneyandgoodlooks,hewashuman.Anintimidatingone,butahumannonetheless.
Plus,hewassupposedtolookafterme,andhecouldn’tdothatifhebitmyheadoff,couldhe?
Withthatreassuranceinmind,Igrabbedthebasket,mykeys,andmyphoneandmademywaytohishouse.ThankGodJuleswasatherlawinternship.IfIhadtohearhertalkabouthowhotAlexwasonemoretime,I’dscream.
Partofmethoughtshedidittoannoyme,butanotherpartworriedshewasactuallyinterestedinhim.Mybestfriendhookingupwithmybrother’sbestfriendwouldopenupacanofwormsIhadnointerestindealingwith.
Irangthedoorbell,tryingtostillmyrampagingheartwhileIwaitedforAlextoanswer.Iwantedtochuckthebasketonthefrontstepandrunhome,butthatwasthecoward’swayout,andIwasnocoward.Mostofthetime,anyway.
Aminutepassed.
Irangthedoorbellagain.
Finally,Iheardthefaintsoundoffootsteps,whichgrewlouderuntilthedoorswungopenandIfoundmyselfface-to-facewithAlex.He’dtakenoffhisjacket,butotherwise,hestillworehisworkoutfit—whiteThomasPinkshirt,Armanipantsandshoes,blueBrionitie.
Hiseyesrovedovermyhair(tossedupintoabun),myface(hotassun-scorchedsandfornodiscerniblereason),andmyclothes(myfavoritetankandshortsset)beforesettlingonthebasket.Hisexpressionremainedunreadabletheentiretime.
“They’reforyou.”Ishovedthebaskettowardhim.“They’recookies,”Iaddedunnecessarily,becauseduh,hehadeyesandcouldseeforhimselfthattheywerecookies.“It’sawelcome-to-the-neighborhoodgift.”
“Awelcome-to-the-neighborhoodgift,”herepeated.
“Yep.Sinceyou’re…new.Totheneighborhood.”Isoundedlikeanidiot.“Iknowyoudon’twanttobehereanymorethanIwantyouhere—”Crap,thatcameoutwrong.
“Butsinceweare
neighbors,weshouldcallatruce.”
Alexarchedaneyebrow.“Iwasn’tawareatrucewasnecessary.We’renotinawar.”
“No,but—”Iblewoutafrustratedbreath.Hehad
tomakethisdifficult.“I’mtryingtobenice,okay?We’restuckwitheachotherforthenextyear,soIwanttomakeourliveseasier.Justtakethedamncookies.Youcaneatthem,throwthemout,feedthemtoyourpetsnakeNagini,whatever.”
Hismouthtwitched.“DidyoujustcomparemetoVoldemort?”
“What?No!”Maybe.
“Iusedthesnakeasanexample.Youdon’tseemlikethetypewho’dhaveafurrypet.”
“You’rerightonthataccount.ButIdon’thaveasnake,either.”Hetookthebasketoffmyhands.“Thankyou.”
Iblinked.Blinkedagain.DidAlexVolkovthank
me?I’dexpectedhimtotakethecookiesandshutthedoorinmyface.He’dneverthankedmeforanythinginmylife.
ExceptmaybethatonetimeIpassedhimthemashedpotatoesatdinner,butI’dbeendrunk,somyrecollectionwashazy.
Iwasstillfrozeninshockwhenheadded,“Doyouwanttocomein?”
Thiswasadream.Ithadtobe.BecausethechancesofAlexinvitingmeinsidehishouseinreallifewerelowerthanmesolvingaquadraticequationinmyhead.
Ipinchedmyself.Ow.
Okay,notadream.Justanincrediblysurrealencounter.
IwonderedifalienshadabductedtherealAlexonhiswayhomeandreplacedhimwithanicer,morecivilimposter
“Sure,”Imanaged,becausehell,Iwascurious.I’dneverbeeninsideAlex’shomebefore,andIwascurioustoseewhathe’ddonewithJosh’splace
He’dmovedintwodaysago,soIexpectedtoseestrayboxeslyingabout,buteverythingwassopolishedandputtogetheritlookedlikehe’dbeenlivinghereforyears.Asleekgraycouchandeighty-inchflat-screenTVdominatedthelivingroom,accentedwithalow,whitelacqueredcoffeetable,industrial-chiclamps,andJosh’sabstractpainting.Iglimpsedanespressomachineinthekitchenandaglass-toppedtablewithwhite-cushionedchairsinthediningroom,butotherwise,therewasn’tmuchfurnituretospeakof.ItwasadrasticdifferencefromJosh’smessybutcozycollectionofrandombooks,sportsequipment,anditemshe’dcollectedfromhistravels.
“You’reaminimalist,huh?”Iexaminedastrangemetalsculpturethatlookedlikeanexplodingbrainbutprobablycostmorethanmymonthlyrent.
“Idon’tseeapointincollectingitemsIdon’tuseanddon’tenjoy.”Alexplacedthecookiesonthecoffeetableandwalkedtothebarcartinthecorner.“Drink?”
“No,thanks.”Isatonthecouch,unsureofwhattodoorsay.
Hepouredhimselfaglassofwhiskeyandsatoppositeme,butitwasn’tfarenough.Icaughtawhiffofhiscologne—somethingwoodsyandexpensive-smelling,withahintofspice.ItwassodeliciousIwantedtoburymyfaceinhisneck,butIdidn’tthinkhe’dtaketookindlytothat.
“Relax,”hesaiddryly.“Idon’tbite.”
“I’mrelaxed.”
“Yourknucklesarewhite.”
IglanceddownandrealizedIwasclutchingtheedgesofthecouchsotightlymyknuckleswere,indeed,white.
“Ilikewhatyou’vedonewiththeplace.”Iwinced.Talkaboutaclichéline.
“Nophotosthough.”Infact,Ididn’tseeanypersonaleffects—nothingthatshowedIwasinanactualhomeandnotamodelshowroom.
“WhywouldIneedphotos?”
Icouldn’ttellifhewasjokingornot.Probablynot
.Alexdidn’tjoke,exceptforthatoneblipinhiscarafewdaysago.
“Forthememories,”Isaid,likeIwasexplainingasimpleconcepttoatoddler.“Torememberpeopleandevents?”
“Idon’tneedphotosforthat.Thememoriesarehere.”Alextappedthesideofhisforehead.
“Everyone’smemoriesfade.Photosdon’t.”Atleast,notdigitalones.
“Notmine.”Hesethisemptyglassonthecoffeetable,hiseyesdark.“Ihaveasuperiormemory.”
MysnortslippedoutbeforeIcouldstopit.“Someonehasahighopinionofhimself.”
Thatearnedmeashadowofasmirk.“I’mnotbragging.Ihavehyperthymesia,orHSAM.HighlySuperiorAutobiographicalMemory.Lookitup.”
Ipaused.That,Ihadn’texpected.“Youhaveaphotographicmemory?”
“No,they’redifferent.Peoplewithphotographicmemoryrecalldetailsfromascenethey’veobservedforashorttime.PeoplewithHSAMrememberalmosteverythingabouttheirlife.Everyconversation,everydetail,everyemotion.”Alex’sjadeeyesmorphedintoemeralds,darkandhaunted.“Whetherornottheywantto.”
“Joshnevermentionedthis.”Notonce,notahint,andthey’dbeenfriendsforclosetoadecade.
“Joshdoesn’ttellyoueverything.”
I’dneverheardofhyperthymesia.Itsoundedfantastical,likesomethingoutofasciencefictionmovie,butIheardthetruthinAlex’svoice.Whatwoulditbeliketoremembereverything?
Myheartratepickedup.
Itwouldbewonderful.Andterrible.BecausewhiletherewerememoriesIwantedtokeepclosetomyheart,asvividasiftheywerehappeningrightbeforemyeyes,therewereothersI’dratherletfadeintooblivion.Icouldn’timaginenothavingthesafetynetofknowinghorribleeventswouldeventuallyrecedeuntiltheywereonlyfaintwhispersfromthepast.Thenagain,mymemoriesweresotwistedIrememberednothingbeforetheageofnine,whenthemosthorribleeventsofmylifehadoccurred
“What’sitlike?”Iwhispered.
Howironicthetwoofusweresittinghere:me,thegirlwhorememberedalmostnothing,andAlex,themanwhorememberedeverything.
Alexleanedtowardme,anditwasallIcoulddonottobackaway.Hewastooclose,toooverwhelming,toomuch
“It’slikewatchingamovieofyourlifeplayoutbeforeyoureyes,”hesaidquietly.“Sometimesit’sadrama.Sometimesit’shorror.”
Theairpulsedwithtension.Iwassweatingsohardmytopstucktomyskin.“Nocomedyorromance?”Itriedtojoke,butthequestioncameoutsobreathlessitsoundedlikeacome-on.
Alex’seyesflared.Somewhereinthedistance,acarhornhonked.Abeadofsweattrickledbetweenmybreasts,andIsawhisgazediptoitbrieflybeforeahumorlesssmiletouchedhislips.“Gohome,Ava.Stayoutoftrouble.”
Ittookmeaminutetogathermywitsandpeelmyselfoffthecouch.OnceIdid,Iallbutfled,myheartpoundingandkneesshaking.EveryencounterwithAlex,nomatterhowsmall,leftmeonedge.
Iwasnervous,yes,andabitterrified.
ButI’dalsoneverfeltmorealive.5
Alex
Islammed
myfistintothemannequin’sface,revelinginthesharpburstofpainthatjoltedupmyarmattheimpact.Mymusclesburnedandsweatdrippeddownmyforeheadintomyeyes,blurringmyvision,butIdidn’tstop.I’ddonethissomanytimesIdidn’thavetoseetolandmyhits.
Thesmellofsweatandviolencestainedtheair.ThiswastheoneplaceIallowedmyselftounleashtheangerIkeptundercarefulwrapsinallotherareasofmylife.I’dstartedKravMagatrainingadecadeagoforself-defense,butithadsincebecomemycatharsis,mysanctuary.
BythetimeIfinishedpummelingthemannequin,mybodywasamessofachesandsweat.Itoweledtheperspirationoffmyfaceandtookaswigofwater.Workhadbeenabitch,andI’dneededthisreleasetoreset.
“Hopeyouworkedoffyourfrustration,”Ralph,theownerofthetrainingcenterandmypersonalinstructorsinceI’dmovedtoD.C.,saiddryly.Shortandstocky,hehadthepowerfulbuildofafighterandameanmug,butdeepdown,hewasateddybear.He’dknockmylightsoutifIevertoldhimoranyoneelsethatthough.“YoulookedlikeyouhadapersonalvendettaagainstHarper.”
RalphnamedallthetrainingdummiesafterTVcharactersorreal-lifepeoplehedidn’tlike.
“Shittyweek.”Wewerealoneintheprivatetrainingstudio,soIspokemorefreelythanIwouldhaveotherwise.BesidesJosh,RalphwastheonlypersonIconsideredatruefriend.“Icouldgofortherealthingrightnow.”
Dummiesweregoodforpractice,butKravMagawasahand-to-handcombatmethodforareason.Itwasallabouttheinteractionbetweenyourselfandyouropponentandrespondingquickly.Couldn’tdothatifyouropponentwasaninanimateobject.
“Yeah,let’sdoit.Gottaendrightatseven,though—noovertime.There’sanewclasscomingin.”
Iraisedmyeyebrows.“Class?”
TheKMAcademycateredtowardintermediatetoadvancedpractitionersandspecializedinone-on-oneorsmallgroupsessions.Itdidn’thostlargeclassesthewaymostothercentersdid.
Ralphshrugged.“Yeah.We’reopeningthecenteruptobeginners.Justoneclassfornow,seehowitgoes.MissybuggedmeaboutituntilIagreed—saidpeoplewouldbeinterestedinlearningitforself-defenseandthatwehavethebestinstructorsinthecity.”Hebarkedoutalaugh.“Thirtyyearsofmarriage.Sheknowshowtostroketheol’ego.Sohereweare.”
“Nottomention,it’sagoodbusinessdecision.”KMAhadlittlecompetitioninthearea,andtherewaslikelypent-updemandforlessons,nottomentionloadsofyuppieswhocouldaffordtheprices.
Ralph’seyestwinkled.“That,too.”
Itookanotherswigofwater,mymindspinning.Beginnerlessons…
MightbeagoodideaforAva.Foranyone,really,manorwoman.Self-defenseisaskillyouneverwanttouse,butwhichcouldmeanthedifferencebetweenlifeanddeathwhenyoudo
havetouseit.Peppersprayonlygetsyousofar.
IfiredoffaquicktexttoherbeforeRalphandIstartedoursession.
Istillwasn’thappyplayingbabysitter,butAvaandIhadsettledintoawary“truce”—herword,notmine—sinceherolivebranchtheweekbefore.Plus,whenIcommittosomething,Icommittoitonehundredpercent.Nohalf-asseryorphoningitin.
IpromisedJoshI’dlookafterhissister,andthatwaswhatI’ddo.Signherupforself-defenselessons,upgradeherhouse’sshittyalarmsystem—she’dthrownafitwhenthesecuritycompanywokeherupatseveninthemorningtoinstallthenewsystem,butshegotoverit—whateverittook.Themoreshestayedoutoftrouble,thelessIhadtoworryaboutherandthemoreIcouldfocusonmybusinessandplanforrevenge.
Iwouldn’tmindmoreofthoseredvelvetcookiesthough.Theyweregood.
Iespeciallywouldn’tmindifshedeliveredthemwearingthetinyshortsandtanktopshe’dworntomyhouse.Anunbiddenimageofabeadofsweattrailingdownherbronzedskinintohercleavageflashedthroughmymind.
IgruntedwhenRalphlandedapunchinmygut.Fuck.
ThatwaswhatIgotforallowingmythoughtstostray.
Isetmyjawandrefocusedonthetrainingsession,pushingallthoughtsofAvaChenandhercleavageoutofmyhead.
Anhourlater,mylimbsfeltlikejelly,andIhadseveralblossomingbruisesonmybody.
Igrimaced,stretchingoutmylimbswhilethelowhumofvoicesfilteredthroughthecloseddoortotheprivatestudio.
“That’smycue.”Ralphclappedmeontheshoulder.“Goodsession.Youmightevenbeatmeoneday—ifyou’relucky.”
Ismirked.“Fuckyou.IcanalreadybeatyouifIwant.”
I’dcomeclosetodoingitonce,butpartofmelikedthefactIwasn’tthebest—yet.Itgavemeagoaltostrivetoward.ButIwouldwin.Ialwaysdid.
Ralph’slaughrolledthroughthesweat-dampenedspacelikethunder.“Keeptellingyourselfthat,kid.SeeyouTuesday.”
Afterheexitedtheroom,Icheckedmyphonefornewmessages.
Nothing.
Atinyfurrowcreasedmybrow.I’dtextedAvaalmostanhourago,andshewasacompulsivelyfastreplierunlessshehadaphotoshoot.Shedidn’thaveonetoday.IknewbecauseImadeherpromisetotellmeeverytimeshedid,alongwiththelocationandclients’namesandcontactinfo.Ialwaysranbackgroundchecksontheclientsbeforehand.Therewerecrazypeopleoutthere.
Isentafollow-uptext.Waited.
Nothing.
Icalled.Noanswer.
Eithershe’dturnedoffherphone—somethingItoldhernevertodo—orshecouldbeintrouble.
Blood.Everywhere.
Onmyhands.Onmyclothes.
Myheartratetickedup.Thefamiliarnoosearoundmynecktightened.
Isqueezedmyeyesshut,focusingonadifferentday,adifferentmemory—thatofmeattendingmyfirstKravMagalessonatsixteen—untiltheredstainsofmypastretreated.
WhenIopenedthemagain,angerandworrycoalescedintoablockinmystomach,andIdidn’tbotherchangingoutofmytrainingclothesbeforeIexitedthecenterandtookoffforAva’shouse.
“Youbetterbethere,”Imuttered.IblockedandflippedoffaMercedeswhotriedtocutinfrontofmeatDupontCircle.Thedriver,anovergroomedlawyertype,glaredatme,butIdidn’tgiveashit.
Ifyoucan’tdrive,getofftheroad.
BythetimeIarrivedatAva’splace,Istillhadn’treceivedareply,andamusclepulseddangerouslyinmytemple.
Ifshewasignoringme,shewasindeepshit.
Andifshewashurt,Iwouldburythepersonresponsiblesixfeetbeneaththeground.Inpieces.
“Whereisshe?”IdispensedoftheusualgreetingswhenJulesswungopenthedoor.
“Who?”sheasked,alldoe-eyedinnocence.Iwasn’tfooled.JulesAmbrosewasoneofthemostdangerouswomenI’devermet,andanyonewhothoughtotherwisebecauseofthewayshelookedandflirtedwasanidiot.
“Ava,”Igrowled.“She’snotansweringherphone.”
“Maybeshe’sbusy.”
“Don’tfuckwithme,Jules.Shecouldbeintrouble,andIknowyourboss.Wouldn’ttakemuchmorethanawordfrommetoderailyourinternship.”
I’ddonemyresearchonallofAva’sclosestfriends.Juleswaspre-law,andtheinternshipbetweenastudent’sjuniorandsenioryearswascriticalforadmittanceintoacompetitivelawschool.
Alltracesofflirtycoquettishnessmelted.Julesnarrowedhereyes.“Don’tthreatenme.”
“Don’tplaygames.”
Weglaredateachotherforaminute,precioussecondstickingbybeforesherelented.“She’snotintrouble,okay?She’swithafriend.LikeIsaid,she’sprobablybusy.She’snotgluedtoherphone.”
“Address.”
“You’rehot,butyoucanbearealoverbearingasshole.”
“Address.”
Juleshuffedoutasigh.“I’monlytellingyouifIcangowithyou.Tomakesureyoudon’tdoanythingstupid.”
Iwasalreadyhalfwaytomycar.
Fiveminuteslater,wewerespeedingbacktoD.C.IwasgoingtobillJoshforallmygasexpenseswhenhereturned,justoutofspite.
“Whyareyousoconcerned?Avahasherownlife,andshe’snotadog.Shedoesn’thavetojumpeverytimeyousayfetch.”Julesflippeddownthevisormirrorandretouchedherlipstickwhenwestoppedataredlight.
“Forsomeonewhoclaimstobeherbestfriend,you’renotconcernedenough
.”Irritationcoiledinmystomach.“Whenhaveyouknownhernottoreplywithinminutesofreceivingatextoracall?”
“Uh,whenshe’sinthebathroom.Class.Work.Sleeping.Showering.Aphoto—”
“It’sbeenalmostanhour,”Isnapped.
Julesshrugged.“Maybeshe’shavingsex.”
Amusclejumpedinmyjaw.Iwasn’tsurewhichversionofJuleswasworse—theonewhoalwaystriedtoconvincemetomowthelawnshirtless,ortheonewhorelishedbaitingme.
Whycouldn’tAvahavelivedwithoneofherotherfriends?Stellaseemedmoreaccommodating,andgivenherbackground,Bridgetwouldn’teversaytheshitJulessaid.
Butno,Iwasstuckwiththeredheadedmenace.
NowonderJoshalwayscomplainedabouther.
“Yousaidshe’swithafriend.”Ipulledontothestreetwheresaidfriend’shousewaslocatedandparked.
“Amale
friend.”Sheunbuckledherseatbeltwithabeatificsmile.“Thanksfortherideandconversation.Itwas…enlightening.”
Ididn’tbotheraskingherwhatshemeant.She’djustfeedmeaheapofsugar-lacedbullshit.
WhileJulestookhersweettime,Iexitedthecarandbangedanimpatientfistagainstthefrontdoor.
Itswungopenaminutelater,revealingaskinny,bespectacledmanwithconfusionstampedonhisfacewhenhesawJulesandmestandingthere.“CanIhelpyou?”
“Where’sAva?”
“She’supstairs,butwho—”Ishoulderedmywaypasthim,whichwasn’thardconsideringheweighedahundredsixty,tops.
“Hey,youcan’tgoupthere!”heyelled.“They’reinthemiddleofsomething.”
Fuck.That.IfAvawas
havingsex—adangerousrhythmpulsedbehindmytempleatthethought—thatwasallthemorereasonforaninterruption.Hornycollegeguysweresomeofthemostdangerouscreaturesinexistence
Iwonderedifshe’dgottenbacktogetherwithherex.Joshmentionedtheweaselhadcheatedonher,andshedidn’tseemlikethetypewho’dcrawlbacktosomeoneaftertheytreatedherterribly,butIwouldn’tputanythingpastMissSunshineandRoses.Thatbleedingheartofherswouldlandherinaheapoftroubleoneday.
OnceIreachedthesecondfloor,Ididn’tneedtoguesswhatroomshewasin—Iheardsoundsbleedingthroughthehalf-opendoorattheendofthehall.Behindme,JulesandSpectaclespoundedupthesteps,thelatterstillblabberingabouthowIcouldn’tbeuphereeventhoughIwasalreadyfuckinghere.
Ididn’tknowhowhumanssurvivedthislong.Mostpeoplewereidiots.
Iopenedthedoorallthewayandfroze.
Notsex.Worse.
Avastoodinthemiddleoftheroom,cladinaskimpyblacklacegetupthatleftlittletotheimagination.Shehuddlednexttoaguywithspikedblondhairholdingacamera.Theywerewhisperingandlaughingwhilestaringatthecamera’sdisplayscreen,soengrossedintheirlittletête-à-têtetheydidn’tnoticetheyhadcompany.
Mytemplepulsedharder.
“What…”Myvoiceslicedthroughtheairlikeawhip.“Isgoingonhere.”
Itwasn’taquestion.Iknewwhatwasgoingon.Thesetup,therumpledbed,Ava’soutfit…theywereinthemiddleofaphotoshoot.WithAvaasthemodel.Dressedinsomethingthatwouldn’tbeoutofplaceinPlayboy
magazine.
ThestrappyconcoctionAvaworebarelycoveredthenecessarybits.Itloopedaroundherneck,baringhershoulders,andplungedtohernavelinthefront.Thehigh-cutbottomleftherlegsandmostofherassbare,andotherthantheareascoveringherbreastsandbetweenherlegs,thesheerblacklacerevealedmorethanitcovered.
I’dneverseenherlikethis.Itwasn’tjusttheoutfit;itwaseverything.Theusuallystraightblackhairthatfellinlusciouswavesdownherback,themade-upfacewiththesmokyeyesandglossyredlips,themilesofgoldenskinandcurvesthatetchedthemselvesintomybrainforever.
Iwascaughtbetweendisturbinglust—shewasmybestfriend’ssister,forfuck’ssake—andinexplicablefurythatothermenwereseeingherlikethis.
Ava’seyeswidenedwithalarmwhenshespottedme.“Alex?Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Itriedtostophim,”Spectaclespanted,outofbreath.Livingproofthatskinninessdoesnotequalfitness.
“He’shereforyou,babe.”Julesleanedagainstthedoorway,herambereyesglowingwithamusement.“Youlooksuperhot,bytheway.Can’twaittoseethepics.”
“Youarenotseeingthepics
,”Igroundout.“Noone
isseeingthepics
.”IyankedtheblanketoffthebedandtosseditoverAva’sshoulders,coveringherup.“We’releaving.Rightnow.AndBlondiehereisdeletingeveryphotohetookofyou.”
Herjawdropped.“No,I’mnot,andno,he’snot.Youcan’ttellmewhattodo.”Shethrewtheblanketonthegroundandliftedherchinindefiance.“You’renotmyfatherorbrother,andevenifyouwere,youhavenosayinwhatIdoinmyfreetime.”
“He’stakingphotosofyouhalf-naked,”Isnapped.“Doyouknowhowdestructivethosecanbeifthey’releaked?Ifafutureemployerseesthem?”
“Ivolunteeredforthis,”shesnappedback.“It’sboudoirphotography.Artistic.Peopledothisallthetime.
It’snotlikeI’mbaringitallforapornsite.HowdidyouevenknowIwashere?”
“Oops,”Julessaidfrombehindus.Shedidn’tsoundsorryatall.
“Youmightaswellbe.”Thesimmeringinmybloodhadreachedafullboil.“Get.Dressed.”
“No-oh.”Ava’sglareintensified,andshedraggedouttheword“no”untilithadtwosyllables.
“Hey,dude,Idon’tmeannoharm.”Blondieletoutanervouschuckle.“Likeshesaid,thisisart.I’lledititsoherfaceisinshadowandnoonecantellit’sher.Ijustneedthephotosformyport—whatareyoudoing?”HesquawkedinprotestwhenIsnatchedthecameraoutofhishandsandstarteddeletingphotosbutfellsilentwhenIleveledhimwithadeathglare.
“Stop!You’rebeingridiculous.”Avatriedtoretrievethecamera,tonoavail.“Doyouknowhowlongthosephotostook?Stop.
Youare—”Sheyankedonmyarm.Itdidn’tbudge.“Being—”Anotheryank,sameresult.“Unreasonable!”
“I’mprotectingyou,sinceyouclearlycan’tdoityourself.”
MymooddarkenedfurtherwhenIsawthepicturesofherlyingonthebed,staringsultrilyatthecamera.HowlonghadsheandBlondiebeendoingthis,alone?Itdidn’ttakeageniustofigureoutwhathadbeengoingthroughhismindtheentiretime.Itwasthesamethingthatwould’vegonethroughanyred-bloodedmale’smind.Sex.
IhopedBlondieenjoyedhisworkingpairofeyeswhilehestillhadthem.
Avasteppedbackforaminute,thenlungedforthecamerainapoorlyconcealedattempttocatchmeoffguard.I’dexpectedthemove,butIstillgruntedattheimpactasshescrambledovermelikeafuckingspidermonkey.Herbreastsgrazedmyarm,andherhairtickledmyskin.
Mybloodheatedatthesensations.
ShewassocloseIcouldhearherbreathcomingoutinsoftpants.Itriednottonoticehowherchestheavedorhowsmoothherskinfeltpressedagainstmine.Theyweredangerous,twistingthoughtsthathadnoplaceinmymind.Notnow,notever.
“Giveitback,”sheordered.
Itwasalmostcutehowshethoughtshecouldordermearound.
“No.”
Avanarrowedhereyes.“Ifyoudon’tgiveitback,IsweartoGodI’llwalkoutintothestreetwearingthisoutfit.”
Anotherboltoffurysizzledthroughme.“Youwouldn’t.”
“Tryme.”
Ourfaceswereinchesapart,ourwordssosoftnoonecouldhearthemexceptus.
Nevertheless,IloweredmyheadsoIcouldwhisperrightinherear.“Ifyoustepafootoutsidethisroominthatoutfit,I’llnotonlydeleteeverypictureonthiscamera,butIwilldestroyyour‘friend’s’careeruntilhehastoresorttoadvertisingshittyfive-dollar-an-hourheadshotsonCraigslist.”Awintrysmiletouchedmylips.“Youwouldn’twantthat,wouldyou?”
Therearetwowaystothreatenpeople:attackthemdirectly,orattackthosetheycareabout.Iwasn’tabovedoingeither.
Ava’smouthtrembled.Shebelievedme,assheshould,becauseImeanteveryword.Iwasn’tasenatororalobbyist,butanobscenenetworth,thickfilesofblackmailmaterial,andyearsofnetworkinghadgrantedmemorethanmyfairshareofinfluenceinD.C.“You’reanasshole.”
“Yes,Iam,anddon’tyouforgetit.”Istraightened.“Getdressed.”
Avadidn’targue,butshealsorefusedtolookatmeasshedisappearedintothebathroomacrossthehalltochange.
BlondieandSpectaclesgapedatmelikethedevilhimselfhadpoofedintotheirhouse.Meanwhile,Julesgrinnedlikeshewaswatchingthemostentertainingmovieoftheyear.
IfinisheddeletingthephotosandshovedthecamerabackintoBlondie’shands.“NeveraskAvatodosomethinglikethisagain.”Itoweredoverhim,relishingthesubtleshakeofhisshouldersashetriednottocower.“Ifyoudo,I’llknow.Andyouwon’tlikewhathappensnext.”
“Okay,”Blondiesqueaked.
Thebathroomdooropened.AvabrushedpastmeandsaidsomethingtoBlondieinalowvoice.Henodded.Sheplacedahandonhisarm,andmyjawticked.
“Let’sgo.”ThewordscameoutsharperthanI’dintended.
Avafinallylookedatme,hereyesflashing.“We’llgowhenI’mready.”
Ididn’tknowhowJoshdealtwithheralltheseyears.Twoweeksin,andIalreadywantedtostrangleher.
ShemurmuredsomethingelsetoBlondiebeforeshestalkedpastmewithoutanotherword.Julesfollowed,stillgrinning.
IcastonelastglareinBlondie’sdirectionbeforeIleft.
SilencepermeatedthecaraswedrovebacktoThayer.Julessatinthebackseat,tappingawayonherphone,whileastone-facedAvastaredoutthewindowfromthepassengerseat,hershoulderstight.
Ididn’tmindsilence.Icravedit.TherewerefewthingsIfoundmoreirritatingthanincessant,pointlessconversation.Theweather,thelatestblockbuster,whobrokeupwithwho…whothefuckcared?
Still,somethingcompelledmetoturnontheradiohalfwaythroughthedrive,thoughIleftthevolumesolowIalmostcouldn’thearthemusic.
“Itwasforyourowngood,”Isaidovertheteeny-tinybeatsofthelatestraphit.
Avaturnedherbodyfurtherawayanddidn’trespond.
Fine.Shecouldbemadallshewanted.TheonlythingIregrettedwasnotsmashingBlondie’scameraaltogether.
Itwasn’tlikeIcaredabouthersilenttreatment.Notonebit.6
Ava
“…Then
said,never
askAvatodosomethinglikethisagain,orIwillmurderyouandyourentirefamily,”Julesfinisheddramaticallybeforetakingasipofhercaramelmocha.
“Shutup.”Stellaleanedforward,hereyeswide.“Hedidnotsaythat.”
“No,hedidn’t.”IshotJulesadisapprovinglook.“Stopexaggerating.”
“Howwouldyouknow?Youwereinthebathroom,”shecountered.Whenmyfrowndeepened,shesighed.“Fine.Hedidn’tsaythoseexact
words—atleast,notthelastpart—butthegeneralideawasthesame.HedidwarnOwenawayfromyouthough.”Julesrippedoffapieceofhercranberrysconeandpoppeditinhermouth.
“PoorOwen.”GuiltniggledatmeasItracedabsentmindedpatternsonthetable.Jules,Stella,Bridget,andIwereatTheMorningRoastforourweeklyTuesdaycoffeecatch-up,andJuleshadbeenregalingtheothergirlswithahyperbolizedaccountofwhathappenedatOwen’shouseonSaturday.“Iwishhehadn’tgottendraggedintothis.Allthosehoursofshooting,gone.”
IworkedwithOwenattheMcCannGallery,whereI’dservedasagalleryassistantforthepastyearandahalf.Myfatherhadneversaidoutrighthedisapprovedofmepursuingaphotographycareer,buthe’dmadeitclearthathewouldn’tfundanyofmyequipment.Hepaidformytuitionandotherschool-relatedexpenses,butifIwantedanewlens,camera,orevenatripod?Thatwasallme.
Itriednottolethisunspokendisapprovalbotherme.IwasbeyondluckyI’dgraduatewithnostudentloandebt,andIwasn’tafraidofhardwork.ThefactI’dshelledoutmyownmoneyforeverypieceofequipmentmademecherishthemalittlemore,andIenjoyedmyjobatMcCann.ItwasoneofthemostprestigiousphotographygalleriesintheNortheast,andIlovedmycoworkers,thoughIwasn’tsurewhetherOwenwouldwantanythingmoretodowithmeafterwhatAlexhaddone.
Evennow,myskinheatedwithangeratthememoryofhisoverbearingattitude.
Icouldn’tbelievehe’dhadthegalltoshowupandbossmearoundlikethat.Tothreatenmyfriend.ToactlikeIwasa…aservantorhisemployee.EvenJoshhadnevergonethatfar.
Istabbedatmyyogurtwithmyfork,furious.
“SoundslikeImissedaninterestingtime.”Bridgetsighed.“AllthefunstuffhappenswhileI’maway.”
BridgethadbeenattendinganeventatEldorra’sNewYorkconsulate,aswasrequiredofthePrincessofEldorra.
That’sright.Shewasanhonest-to-God,real-lifeprincess,secondinlinetothethroneofasmallbutwealthyEuropeancountry.Shelookedthepart,too.Withhergoldenhair,deepblueeyes,andelegantbonestructure,shecould’vepassedforayoungGraceKelly.
Ihadn’tknownwhoBridgetwaswhenshe,Jules,Stella,andIfoundourselvesassignedtothesamesuitefreshmanyear.Besides,Iwould’veexpectedafreakin’princesstohaveaprivateroom.
ButthatwasthegreatthingaboutBridget.Despiteherinsaneupbringing,shewasoneofthemostdown-to-earthpeopleI’devermet.Sheneverpulledrank,andsheinsistedonlivinglifeasanormalcollegestudentwhenevershecould.Inthatsense,Thayerwasthebestfitforher.ThankstoitsproximitytoD.C.anditsworld-classinternationalpoliticsprogram,thecampusswarmedwithpoliticaloffspringandinternationalroyalty.Justtheotherday,I’doverheardthesonoftheSpeakeroftheHouseandthecrownprinceofacontroversialoilkingdomarguingovervideogames.
Youcan’tmakethatstuffup.
“Trustme,itwasnot
fun,”Igrumbled.“Itwashumiliating.AndIoweOwenadinner,atleast.”
Myphoneflashedwithanewtext.Liam.
Again.
Iswipedawaythenotificationbeforeanyofmyfriendssawit.Iwasn’tinthemoodtodealwithhimorhisexcusesrightnow.
“Aucontraire,Ithoughtitwashilarious.”Julesfinishedtherestofherscone.“Youshould’veseenAlex’sface.Hewaspissed.
”
“Howisthathilarious?”Stellasnappedaphotoofherlatteartbeforejoiningtheconversation.
Shewasabigfashionandlifestylebloggerwithover400,000Instagramfollowers,andwewereusedtohercapturingeverythingforthe‘Gram.Ironically,forsomeonewithsuchabigsocialpresence,shewastheshyestinthegroup,butshesaidthe“anonymity”oftheInternetmadeiteasiertobeherselfonline.
“Didyouhearme?Hewaspissed.
”Julesplacedextraemphasisonthelastwordlikeitwassupposedtomeansomething.
Bridget,Stella,andIstaredatherblankly.
Shesighed,obviouslyexasperatedbyourlackofcomprehension.“WhenwasthelasttimeanyofussawAlexVolkovpissed?Orhappy?Orsad?Themandoesn’tshowemotion.It’slikeGodgavehimextrahelpingsofgorgeousnessandzerodosesofhumanfeeling.”
“Ithinkhe’sapsychopath,”Stellasaid.Sheblushed.“Nonormalpersonisthat
controlledallthetime.”
IwasstillupsetwithAlex,butastrangepartofmefeltcompelledtodefendhim.“You’veonlymethimafewtimes.He’snotsobadwhenhe’snot…”
“Beingbad?”Bridgetfinished.
“AllI’msayingis,he’sJosh’sbestfriend,andItrustmybrother’sjudgment.”
Julessnorted.“Thisthesamebrotherwhoworethathideousratcostumetolastyear’sHalloweenparty?”
IwrinkledmynosewhileBridgetandStellaburstintolaughter.“Isaidjudgment,nottaste
.”
“Sorry,Ididn’tmeantoupsetyou.”Stellatiltedherheaduntilherglossydarkcurlscascadedoverhershoulder.WealwaysjokedthatshewastheUnitedNationsofhumansbecauseofhermulticulturalbackground—GermanandJapaneseonhermother’sside;BlackandPuertoRicanonherfather’sside.Theresultwasfivefooteleveninchesofleggylimbs,deepoliveskin,andcatlikegreeneyes.Supermodelmaterial,ifshehadanyinterestinbeingasupermodel,whichshedidn’t.“Itwasjustanobservation,butyou’reright.Idon’tknowhimwellenoughtojudge.Statementretracted.”
“I’mnotupset.I’m…”Ifaltered.WhatthehellwasIdoing?Alexdidn’tneedmedefendinghim.Itwasn’tlikehewashere,listeningtous.Evenifhewere,hewouldn’tcare.
Iftherewasonepersonintheworldwhodidn’tgiveashitwhatothersthoughtofhim,itwasAlexVolkov.
“Guys,you’remissingthepoint.”Juleswavedahandintheair.“Thepointis,Alexdid
showemotion.OverAva.Wecouldhavefunwiththis.”
Oh,no.
Jules’sideaof“fun”usuallyinvolvedaheapoftroubleandapotentialdoseofembarrassmentonmypart.
“Whatkindoffun?”Bridgetlookedintrigued.
“Bridge!”Ikickedherunderthetable.“Don’tencourageher.”
“Sorry.”Theblondemadeaface.“ButallIhavegoingonlatelyare…”Sheglancedaroundtomakesurenoonewaslistening.Theyweren’t,exceptforherbodyguardBooth,whosatatthetablebehindusandpretendedtoreadthepaperwhileactuallykeepingasharpeyeonthesurroundings.“Diplomaticeventsandceremonialduties.It’sterriblyboring.Meanwhile,mygrandfather’ssick,mybrother’sactingweird,andIneedsomethingtotakemymindoffitall.”
Hergrandfatherandbrother,AKAKingEdvardandCrownPrinceNikolaiofEldorra.Ihadtoremindmyselftheywerehumanbeingslikeeveryoneelse,butevenafteryearsoffriendshipwithBridget,Iwasn’tusedtoherspeakingsocasuallyaboutherfamily.Liketheyweren’tliteralroyalty.
“Ihaveatheory.”Julesleanedforward,andtherestofus,evenme,leanedin,eagertohearwhatshehadtosay.Callitmorbidcuriosity,becauseIwassureIwouldn’tlikewhatwasabouttocomeoutofhermouth.
Iwasright.
“AvasomehowgetsunderAlex’sskin,”Julessaid.“Weshouldseehowfaritgoes.Howmuch
canshemakehimfeel?”
Irolledmyeyes.“Allthoselonghoursyouputinatyourinternshipmust’vescrambledyourbrain,becauseyou’renotmakinganysense.”
Sheignoredme.“Icallit…”Dramaticpause.“OperationEmotion.”Shelookedupanddrewanarcwithherhandlikethewordswouldmagicallyappearintheair.
“Creative,”Stellateased.
“Hearmeout.WeallthinkAlexisarobot,right?Well,whatifshe
…”Julespointedatme.“…canproveheisn’t?Don’ttellmeyouguysdon’twanttoseehimactlikeanactualhumanbeingforonce.”
“No.”ItossedmyemptycoffeecupintothenearesttrashcanandalmostbeanedapassingstudentinaThayersweatshirt.Iwincedandmouthed“sorry”beforereturningtotheridiculouspropositionathand.“That’sthedumbestideaI’veeverheard.”
“Don’tknockittillyou’vetriedit,”myso-calledbestfriendsang.
“Whatwouldbethepoint?”Ithrewmyhandsintheair.“Howwoulditevenwork?”
“Simple.”Julespulledapenandnotepadoutofherbagandstartedscribbling.“Wecomeupwithalistofemotions,andyoutrytomakehimfeeleachone.It’llbeatestofsorts.Likegivinghimanannualphysicaltomakesurehe’sfunctioningproperly.”
“Sometimes,”Bridgetsaid.“Thewayyourmindworksscaresme.”
“No,”Irepeated.“Nothappening.”
“Itdoes
seemkindof…mean.”Stellatappedhergold-polishednailsonthetable.“Whatemotionsdidyouhaveinmind?”
“Stel!”
“What?”Shecastaguiltylookinmydirection.“I’mcurious.”
“Offthetopofmyhead?We’vealreadyseenhimangry,sohappiness,sadness,fear,disgust…”AwickedsmileslashedacrossJules’sface.“Jealousy.”
Isnorted.“Please.He’dneverbejealousofme.”
Hewasamultimillionaireexecutivewithagenius-levelIQ;Iwasacollegestudentwhoworkedtwojobsandatecerealfordinner.
Nocontest.
“Notjealousof
you.Jealousover
you.”
Bridgetperkedup.“YouthinkhelikesAva?”
“No.
”Iwastiredofsayingthatword.“He’smybrother’sbestfriend,andI’mnothistype.Hetoldmeso.”
“Psshh.”Juleswavedawaymyprotestlikeshewouldamosquito.“Mendon’tknowwhat
theywant.Besides,don’tyouwanttogetbackathimforwhathedidtoOwen?”
“Idon’t,”Isaidfirmly.“AndI’mnotgoingalongwiththiscrazyidea.”
Forty-fiveminuteslater,wedecidedPhaseOneofOperationEmotionwouldcommenceinthreedays.
***
Ihatedmyselfforcaving.
Somehow,Julesalways
convincedmetodothingsagainstmybetterinstincts,likethattimewedrovefourhourstoBrooklyntowatchsomebandperformbecauseshethoughttheleadsingerwashot,andweendedupstrandedinthemiddleofthehighwaywhenourrentalcarbrokedown.OrthattimesheconvincedmetowritealovepoemtothecuteguyinmyEnglishlitclass,onlyforhisgirlfriend—whoIhadn’tknownexisted—tofinditandhuntmedowninmydorm.
JuleswasthemostpersuasivepersonI’devermet.Agoodqualityforanaspiringlawyer,butnotsomuchforaninnocentfriend,i.e.me,whowantedtostayoutoftrouble.
Thatnight,Iclimbedintobedandclosedmyeyes,tryingtosortthroughmyracingthoughts.OperationEmotionwassupposedtobeafun,lightheartedexperiment,butitmademenervous,andnotjustbecauseiterredonthesideofmean-spirited.EverythingaboutAlexmademenervous.
Ishuddered,thinkingofhowhe’dretaliateifhefoundoutwhatwewereupto,andthoughtsofbeingflayedaliveconsumedmeuntilIfellintoalight,fitfulsleep.
“Help!Mommy,helpme!”
Itriedtoscreamthosewords,butIcouldn’t.Ishouldn’t.BecauseIwasunderwater,andifIopenedmymouth,allthewaterwouldrushin,andIwouldneverseeMommyandDaddyandJoshagain.Thatwaswhattheytoldme.
Theyalsotoldmenottogonearthelakebymyself,butIwantedtomakeprettyripplesinthewater.Ilikedthoseripples,likedhowthrowingonelittlestonecouldcausesuchabigeffect.
Onlythoseripplesweresuffocatingmenow.Thousandsandthousandsofthem,draggingmefurtherandfurtherfromthelightabovemyhead.
Tearstrickledfrommyeyes,butthelakeswallowedthemandburiedmypanicuntilitwasjustmeandmysilentpleas.
I’mnevergettingoutnevergettingoutnevergettingout.
“Mommy,help!”Icouldn’tholditinanylonger.Iscreamed,screamedasloudasmylittlelungsallowed.ScreameduntilmythroatwasrawandIfeltlikeIwouldpassout,ormaybethatwasthewaterrushingin,fillingmychest.
Somuchwater.Everywhere.Andnoair.Notenoughair.
Ithrashedmyarmsandlegsinhopesitwouldhelp,butitdidn’t.Itmademesinkfaster.
Icriedharder—notphysically,becauseIcouldn’ttellthedifferencebetweencryingandexistinganymore—butinmyheart.
WherewasMommy?Shewassupposedtobehere.Mommieswerealwayssupposedtobewiththeirdaughters.
Andshe
hadbeentherewithmeonthedeck,watchingme…untilshehadn’t.Hadshereturned?Whatifshewassinkingbeneaththewatertoo?
Theblacknesswascoming.Isawit,feltit.Mybrainwentfuzzy,andmyeyesdrooped.
Ididn’thavetheenergytoscreamanymore,soImouthedthewords.“Mommy,please…”
Ijerkedupright,myheartbeatingamilliondrumsofwarningwhilemyfadedscreamssoakedintothewalls.Mycoverstwistedaroundmylegs,andIthrewthemoff,myskincrawlingatthesensationofbeingentangled—ofbeingtrappedwithnowaytofreemyself.
Theglowingredlettersofmyalarmclocktoldmeitwasfourforty-foura.m.
Apinprickofdreadblossomedatthebaseofmyneckandslithereddownmyspine.InChineseculture,thenumberfourisconsideredunluckybecausethewordforitsoundsliketheword“death.”Sì,
four;sǐ
,death.Theonlydifferencebetweentheirpronunciationisatoneinflection
I’veneverbeenasuperstitiousperson,butchillsswampedmeeverytimeIawokefromoneofmynightmaresduringthefoura.m.hour,whichwasalmostalways.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimeI’dawokenduringadifferenthour.SometimesIwokeupnotrememberingIhadanightmare,butthoseblessedoccasionswerefarandfewinbetween.
IheardthesoftpatteroffootstepsinthehallandschooledmyfeaturesintosomethingotherthanstarkterrorbeforethedooropenedandJulesslippedinside.Sheflickedonthelamp,andguiltswirledthroughmewhenIsawherrumpledhairandexhaustedface.Sheworkedlonghoursandneededsleep,butshealwayscheckedonmeevenafterIinsistedshestayinbed.
“Howbadwasit?”sheaskedsoftly.Mybedsankbeneathherweightasshesatnexttomeandhandedmeamugofthymetea.She’dreadonlinethatithelpedwithnightmaresandstartedmakingitformeafewmonthsago.Ithelped—Ihadn’thadanightmareinovertwoweeks,whichwasarecord,butIguessmygoodluckranout.
“Nothingoutoftheordinary.”MyhandstrembledsomuchliquidspilledoverthesideofthemuganddrippedontomyfavoriteBugsBunnyshirtfromhighschool.“Gobacktosleep,J.Youhaveapresentationtoday.”
“Fuckthat.”Julesrakedahandthroughhertangledredhair.“I’malreadyup.Besides,it’salmostfive.Ibettherearedozensofoverambitious,Lululemon-wearingfitnessjunkiesjoggingoutsiderightnow.”
Imusteredaweaksmile.“I’msorry.Iswear,wecansoundproofmyroom.”Iwasn’tsurehowmuchthatwouldcost,butI’ddealwithit.Ididn’twanttokeepwakingherup.
“Howaboutno?That’stotallyunnecessary.You’remybestfriend.”Juleswrappedmeintoatighthug,andIallowedmyselftosinkintohercomfortingembrace.Sure,sheledmeintodubioussituationssometimes,butshe’dbeenmyrideordiesincefreshmanyear,andIwouldn’thaveanyoneelsebymyside.“Everyonehasnightmares.”
“Notlikeme.”
I’dhadthesenightmares—theseawful,vividnightmaresthatIfearedweren’tnightmaresatall,butactualmemories—foraslongasIcouldremember.Forme,thatwastheageofnine.Everythingbeforethatwasahaze,acanvaspepperedwithfaintshadowsofmylifebeforeTheBlackout,asIcalledthedividebetweenmyforgottenchildhoodandmylateryears.
“Stop.It’snotyourfault,andIdon’tmind.Seriously.”Julespulledbackandsmiled.“Youknowme.I’dneversaysomethingwasokayifIwasn’tactuallyokaywithit.”
Iletoutasoftlaughandsetthenow-emptymugonmynightstand.“True.”Isqueezedherhand.“I’mfine.Gobacktosleep,jog,ormakeyourselfacaramelmochaorsomething.”
Shescruncheduphernose.“Me,jog?Idon’tthinkso.CardioandIpartedwaysalongtimeago.Plus,youknowIcan’tworkacoffeemachine.That’swhyIblowallmypaychecksatTheMorningRoast.”Sheexaminedme,atinycreasemarringhersmoothbrow.“Givemeahollerifyouneedanything,okay?I’mrightdownthehall,andIdon’tleaveforworkuntilseven.”
“‘Kay.Loveyou.”
“Loveyou,babe.”Julesgavemeonelasthugbeforesheleftandclosedthedoorbehindherwithasoftclick.
Isankbackintobedandpulledthecoversuptomychin,tryingtofallasleepagaineventhoughIknewitwasafutileexercise.ButeventhoughIwastuckedbeneathmycomforterinawell-insulatedroominthemiddleofsummer,thechillremained—aghostlyspecterwarningmethatthepastisneverpast,andthefutureneverunfoldsthewaywewantitto.7
Alex
“Don’tdothis.”
Ipouredmyselfacupofcoffee,leanedagainstthecounter,andtookaleisurelysipbeforeresponding.“I’mnotsurewhyyou’recallingme,Andrew.I’mtheCOO.YoushouldtalktoIvan.”
“That’sbullshit,”Andrewspat.“Youpullthestringsbehindthescenes,andeveryoneknowsit.”
“Theneveryoneiswrong,whichwouldn’tbethefirsttime.”IcheckedmyPatekPhilippewatch.Limitededition,hermeticallysealedandwaterproof,thestainless-steeltimepiecehadsetmebackacooltwentygrand.I’dboughtitafterIsoldmyfinancialmodelingsoftwareforeightfigures,onemonthaftermyfourteenthbirthday.“Ah,it’salmosttimeformynightlymeditationsession.”Ididn’tmeditate,andwebothknewit.“Iwishyouthebest.I’msureyou’llhaveaflourishingsecondcareerasabusker.Youtookbandinhighschool,didn’tyou?”
“Alex,please.”Andrew’svoiceturnedpleading.“Ihaveafamily.Kids.Myoldestdaughterisstartingcollegesoon.Whateveryouhaveagainstme,don’tdragthemormyemployeesintoit.”
“ButIdon’thaveanythingagainstyou,Andrew,”Isaidconversationally,takinganothersipofcoffee.Mostpeopledidn’tdrinkespressothislateforfearofnotbeingabletosleep,butIdidn’thavethatproblem.Icouldneversleep.“Thisisbusiness.Nothingpersonal.”
Itbaffledmethatpeoplestilldidn’tgetit.Personalappealshadnoplaceinthecorporateworld.Itwaseatorgeteaten,andIforonehadnograndaspirationsofbecomingprey.
Onlythestrongestsurvived,andIhadeveryintentionofremainingatthetopofthefoodchain.
“Alex—”
Itiredofhearingmyname.ItwasalwaysAlexthis,Alexthat.Peoplebeggingfortime,money,attentionor,worstofall,affection.Itwasafuckingchore.Itreallywas.
“Goodnight.”Ihungupbeforehecouldmakeanotherpleaformercy.Therewasnothingsadderthanseeing—or,inthiscase,hearing—aCEOreducedtoabeggar.
ThehostiletakeoverofGruppmannEnterpriseswouldgoaheadasplanned.Iwouldn’thavecaredaboutthecompany,exceptitwasausefulpawninthegrandschemeofthings.
ArcherGroupwasarealestatedevelopmentcompany,butinfive,ten,twentyyears,it’dbesomuchmore.Telecommunications,e-commerce,finance,energy…theworldwasripeformytaking.Gruppmannwasasmallfishinthefinanceindustry,butitwasasteppingstonetowardmybiggerambitions.IwantedtoironoutallthekinksbeforeItookonthesharks.
Besides,Andrewwasanasshole.Iknewforafactthathe’dquietlysettledwithseveralofhispastsecretariesoutofcourtoversexualharassmentcharges.
IblockedAndrew’snumberforgoodmeasureandmadeamentalnotetofiremyassistantforallowingmypersonalcellinformationtoslipintothehandsofsomeoneoutsidemytightlycontrolledcontactslist.She’dalreadyfuckedupseveraltimes—paperworkwitherrors,appointmentsscheduledforthewrongtimes,missedcallsfromVIPs—andthiswasthelaststraw.I’donlykeptheronsolongasafavortoherfather,acongressmanwhowantedhisdaughtertoget“realworkexperience,”butherexperiencewasoverasofeighta.m.tomorrowmorning.
I’ddealwithherfatherlater.
SilencehummedintheairasIplacedmycoffeecupinthesinkandwalkedtowardthelivingroom.Isankontothecouchandclosedmyeyes,lettingmychosenimagesplaythroughmymind.Ididn’tmeditate,butthiswasmyownfucked-upformoftherapy.
October29,2006.
Myfirstbirthdayasanorphan.
ItsoundeddepressingwhenIputitlikethat,butitwasn’tsad.Itjust…was.
Ididn’tcareaboutbirthdays.Theyweremeaningless,datesonacalendarthatpeoplecelebratedbecauseitmadethemfeelspecialwhen,inreality,theyweren’tspecialatall.Howcouldbirthdaysbespecialwheneveryonehadone?
Iusedtothinktheywerespecialbecausemyparentsalwaysmadeabigdealoutofit.Oneyear,theytooktheentirefamilyandsixofmyclosestfriendstoSixFlagsinNewJersey,whereweatehotdogsandroderollercoastersuntilwepuked.Anotheryear,theyboughtmethelatestPlayStation,andIwastheenvyofmyclass.Butsomethingswerethesameeveryyear.I’dstayinbed,pretendingtobeasleepwhilemyparents“snuck”intomybedroomwearinggoofypaperconehatsandcarryingmyfavoritebreakfast—blueberrypancakesdrenchedinsyrupwithhashbrownsandcrispybaconontheside.Mydadwouldholdmybreakfastwhilemymomtackledmeandyelled,“Happybirthday!”andI’dlaughandscreamwhileshetickledmefullyawake.Itwastheonedayoftheyeartheyletmeeatbreakfastinbed.Aftermysisterwasoldenoughtowalk,she’djointhem,climbingovermeandmessingupmyhairwhileIcomplainedaboutgirlcootiesgettingallovermyroom.
Nowtheyweregone.Nomorefamilytrips,nomoreblueberrypancakesandbacon.Nomorebirthdaysthatmattered.
Myuncletried.Heboughtmeabigchocolatecakeandbroughtmetoapopulararcadeintown.
Isatatatableinthediningarea,staringoutthewindow.Thinking.Remembering.Analyzing.Ihadn’ttouchedanyofthearcadegames.
“Alex,goplay,”myunclesaid.“It’syourbirthday.”
Hesatacrossfromme,apowerfullybuiltmanwithsaltandpepperhairandlightbrowneyesalmostidenticaltomyfather’s.Hewasn’tahandsomeman,buthewasvain,sohishairwasalwaysperfectlycoiffedandhisclothesperfectlypressed.Today,heworeasharpbluesuitthatlookedwoefullyoutofplaceamongstallthestickychildrenandhaggard-faced,T-shirt-cladparentsroamingthroughthearcade.
Ihadn’tseenUncleIvanoftenbefore“ThatDay.”HeandmyfatherhadafallingoutwhenIwasseven,andmyfatherneverspokeofhimagain.Evenso,UncleIvanhadtakenmeininsteadoflettingmedriftthroughthefostersystem,whichwasniceofhim,Iguess.
“Idon’twanttoplay.”Irappedmyknucklesagainstthetable.
Knock.Knock.Knock.One.Two.Three.Threegunshots.Threebodiesfallingtothefloor.Isqueezedmyeyesshutandusedallmystrengthtoshovethoseimagesoutofmyhead.They’dreturn,astheyhadeverydaysinceThatDay.ButIwasn’tdealingwiththemnow,inthemiddleofastinkysuburbanarcadewithcheapbluecarpetandwaterringstainsonthetable.
Ihatedmy“gift.”Butshortofcarvingoutmybrain,Icouldn’tdoanythingaboutit,soIlearnedtoliveitwithit.Andoneday,Iwouldweaponizeit.
“Whatdoyouwant?”UncleIvanasked.
Ishiftedmygazetomeethis.Hehelditforafewsecondsbeforedroppinghiseyes.
Peopleneverusedtodothat.Buteversincemyfamily’smurder,theyacteddifferently.WhenIlookedatthem,theywouldlookaway—notbecausetheypitiedme,butbecausetheyfearedme,somebasesurvivalinstinctdeepinsidethemscreamingatthemtorunandneverlookback.
Itwassilly,adultsfearinganeleven—nowtwelve—year-old-boy.ButIdidn’tblamethem.Theyhadreasontobeafraid.
Becauseoneday,Iwouldteartheworldapartwithmybarehandsandforceittopayforwhatithadtakenfromme
“WhatIwant,Uncle,”Isaid,myvoicestillregisteringtheclear,highpitchofaboywhohadnotyethitpuberty.“Isrevenge.”
Iopenedmyeyesandexhaledslowly,lettingthememorywashoverme.ThatwasthemomentI’dfoundmypurpose,andI’dreplayediteverydayforfourteenyears.
I’dhadtoseeatherapistforafewyearsaftermyfamily’sdeath.Morethanone,actually,becausenonemadeanyinroadsandmyunclekeptreplacingtheminthehopesonewouldstick.Theyneverdid.
Buttheyalltoldmethesamething—thatmyobsessivefocusonthepastwouldimpedemyhealingprocessandthatIneededtofocusmyenergyonother,moreconstructivepursuits.Afewsuggestedartwhileotherssuggestedsports.
Isuggestedtheyshovetheirsuggestionsuptheirass.
Thosetherapistsdidn’tgetit.Ididn’twant
toheal.Iwantedtoburn.Iwantedtobleed.Iwantedtofeeleveryscorchinglickofpain.
Andsoon,thepersonresponsibleforthatpainwouldfeelittoo.Onethousandfold.8
Ava
OPERATIONEMOTION:
PHASESADNESS
Icamearmedforbattle.
Iappliedmakeup,brushedmyhair,andworemyfavoritewhitecottonsundresswithyellowdaisiesatthebottom.Itwasbothprettyandcomfortable,anditshowedoffjustenoughcleavagetointrigue.Liamhadlovedit.WheneverIworeit,weendedupathisplaceandmydressendeduponthefloor.
I’dconsideredthrowingtheoutfitawayafterwebrokeupbecause
he’dlovedit,butIthoughtbetterofit.Irefusedtolethimruinthegoodthingsforme,whetheritwasadressormintchocolateicecream,whichheusedtobuymewheneverIhadmyperiodcravings.
Ifiguredlookinggoodcouldn’thurtifIwasanglingforanunannouncedeveningmoviethonwithAlex.
Icouldn’tthinkofanygoodideastomakehimsadwithoutbeingatotalbitch,soI’dchosentheneutraloptionofsadmovies.Theyworkedoneveryone.Yes,evenmen.
IsawJoshcryonceattheendofTitanic,
thoughheclaimeditwasallergiesandthreatenedtotossmycamerafromthetopoftheWashingtonMonumentifItoldanyone.
Yeah,right.Adecadelater,andhestillcouldn’tshutupabouthowthere’dbeenroomforJackonthedoor.Iagreedwithhim,butthatdidn’tmeanIcouldn’tmakefunofhim.
SinceAlexwasateensy
bitmorereservedthanJosh,IskippedTitanic
andbroughtoutthebigguns:AWalktoRemember
(sadderthanTheNotebook
)andMarleyandMe.
IknockedonthedoortoAlex’shouse.Tomysurprise,itopenedlessthantwosecondslater.
“Hey,I—”Istopped.Stared.
I’dexpectedtoseeAlexinasuitfromtheofficeorcasualloungewear,thoughnothingheownedwasreallycasual.
EvenhisT-shirtscosthundredsofdollars.Instead,heworeadeepgrayshirttuckedintodarkdenimjeansandatailoredblackHugoBossblazer.
AwfullydressyforaThursdaynight.
“DidIcatchyouonyourwayout?”Itriedtopeerbehindhimandseeifhehadcompany,butAlex’sframeblockedmostofthedoorway.
“ShouldImovesoyouhaveaclearerviewofmylivingroom?”heaskedsardonically.
Heatscorchedmycheeks.Busted.
“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.Yourlivingroomisn’tthatinteresting,”Ifibbed.“Lackofcolor.Nopersonaleffects.”WhatamIsaying?Someonestopme.
“Thepainting’suglytoo.”Stopme
now.“
Coulduseawoman’stouch.”Fuck.Me.Sideways.
Ididnot
justsaythat.
Alex’slipspressedtogether.Hadhebeenanyoneelse,Icould’veswornhewastryingnottolaugh.“Isee.ThepaintingtechnicallybelongstoJosh,youknow.”
“Whichshould’vebeenthefirstredflag.”
Thistime,atinysmirkdidtouchAlex’smouth.“Toansweryourquestion,Iwas
onthewayout.Ihaveadate.”
Iblinked.Alexonadate.Didnotcompute.
Becauseofcoursetheguydated.Look
athim.ButI’dneverheardorseenevidenceofactivityinhislovelife,unlessyoucountedthewomenthrowingthemselvesathimwhereverhewent,soI’dassumedhewasoneofthoseworkaholicswhohadanexclusiverelationshipwithhisjob.
Imean,we’dbeenneighborsforoveramonth,andIhadn’tseenhimbringasinglewomanhome—thoughadmittedly,Iwasn’twatchinghishousetwenty-four-sevenlikeatotalcreep.
ThethoughtofAlexdatingwas…strange.
ThatwastheonlywordIcouldusetodescribethenigglingfeelinginmystomach,theonethatmademyskinitchandmypulsebeatdoubletime.
“Ah,don’twanttoholdyouupthen.”Isteppedbackandtrippedovernothing,becauseofcourseIdid.Hereachedouttosteadyme,andmyheartjumped.Itwasn’tabig,cheerleadingcompetitionworthyjump.Itwasjustatinyskip,really.Butitwasenoughtoflustermefurther.“I’llseeyoulater.”
“Sinceyou’realreadyhere,mightaswelltellmewhy.”Alexwasstillholdingmyarm,andtheheatfromhistouchsearedmetothebone.“Iassumethismeansthecoldshouldertreatmentisover.”
I’dbeenignoringhimfordayssincehestormedintoOwen’shouselikeanoverbearing,green-eyedtornado.ItwasthelongestI’deverheldontomyanger.Beingupsetwasexhausting,andIhadbetterthingstodowithmytime,butI’dwantedtomakeapoint,whichwasthathecouldn’tbargeinandtrytotakeovermylifewithoutconsequences.
“Forthemostpart.”Inarrowedmyeyes.“Don’tdothatagain.”
“Don’tparadeinfrontofothermenhalf-naked,andIwon’thaveto.”
“Iwasnotparading—”Hiswordsclickedintoplace.“Other
men?”
Alexdroppedmyarm,hiseyesgrowingevenmoreglacial.“Tellmewhyyou’rehere,Ava.Issomeonebotheringyou?”Hisgazesharpened.“Liam?”
Anobviousattempttochangethesubject,butmyheadspuntoomuchformetocallhimoutonit.“No.Itwasnothing.JulesisonadateandI’mbored,soIthoughtI’dseeifyouwantedtohangout.”
IrealizedIshould’vecomeupwithalesspathetic,moreconvincingexcuseforwhyI’dshownuptohishouseunannouncedonaThursdaynight,especiallysinceweweren’tfriendsperse,butitwastoolate.
See,thiswaswhyI’dnevermakeitasaspyor
lawyer.Juleswouldbesodisappointedinme.
“You’reaterribleliar.”Alexlookedunimpressed.“Tellmetherealreasonyou’rehere.”
Crap.
Ihadtocomeupwithanother
excuse?Itwasn’tlikeIcouldlethimknowaboutOperationEmotion.
“IfiguredyoucouldusethecompanynowthatJoshisn’there,”Isaid.“Ihaven’tseenyouhangoutwithanyoneelsesinceheleft,soIthoughtyoumightbelonely?”ThesentencemorphedintoaquestionwhenIrealizedhowdumbthatlogicwas,becauseduh,Alex’slifedidn’trevolvearoundhishouse.HemaynotthrowhousepartieseveryweeklikeJosh,butheprobablyateoutwithfriendsandattendedsportsgameslikeeveryoneelse.“Whichobviouslyisn’tthecase,sinceyou’regoingonadate,”Iaddedquickly.“So,I’llhoponbacktomyplace,andyoucanforgetthiseverhappened.Enjoyyourdate!”
“Stop.”
Ifroze,myheartthunderingagainstmychestasIwonderedhowthisencounterhadgonesoofftherails.Thefunnythingwas,itwasn’tactually
offtherails;itjustfeltlikeit.
Alexwidenedthedoorandsteppedaside.“Comein.”
What?
“Butyourdate.”
“Letmeworryabouther.Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingonwithyou,butsinceyoubrokeyoursilenttreatmenttocomeoverand‘hangout,’somethingmustbewrong.”
Theseedofguiltblossomedintoafull-blowntree,trunkandall,inmystomach.Thiswassupposedtobeaharmlessexperiment.Ididn’twanthimtocancelhisscheduledplansforme.
ButasIfollowedAlexintothelivingroom,thethoughtthathewasnolongergoingtodinnerorwhateverhe’dhadplannedwithsomebeautiful,mysteriouswomanpleasedmemorethanitshouldhave.
IstifledalaughatAlex’sexpressionwhenhecaughtsightofthemoviesI’dbroughtover.
“NotaMandyMoorefan?”Iteased,poppingtheDVDintotheplayerandcurlinguponthecouchwhilethepre-moviecreditsplayed.IstillownedDVDsthewayIstillownedpaperbackbooks.Therewasjustsomethingsomagicalaboutholdingyourfavoriteitemsratherthanseeingthemonscreen.
“Idon’thaveanythingagainstMandyMoore,butI’mnotafanofmaudlinormelodrama.”Alexshruggedoffhisblazeranddrapeditoverthebackofthecouch.Hisshirtstretchedacrosshisbroadshoulders,andthetoptwobuttonswereundone,revealingasliverofhischestandsexycollarbones.
Ihadn’tthoughtcollarbonescouldbesexy,butherewewere.
Iswallowedhard.“Itisnot
maudlinormelodrama.It’sromantic.”
“Doesn’tshedieintheend?”
“Waytospoilit,”Igrumbled.
Heshotmeadisbelievinglook.“You’vealreadywatchedit.”
“Buthaveyou?”
“Iknowwhathappens.Peoplewouldn’tshutupaboutitwhenitfirstcameout.”
“Shh.”Inudgedhislegwithmyfoot.“Movie’sstarting.”
Hesighed.
IlovedAWalktoRemember,
butIsnuckpeeksatAlexthroughoutthefilm,hopingtocatchsome
sortofreaction.
None.Nada.Zilch,evenduringJamieandLandon’swedding.
“Howareyounotcrying?”Idemanded,brushingawaymytearswiththebackofmyhandaftertheendcreditsrolled.“Thismovieissosad.”
“It’sfiction.”Alexgrimaced.“Stopcrying.”
“Ican’tstopwhenIfeellikeit.It’sabiologicalreaction.”
“Biologicalreactionscanbemastered.”
Icouldn’tresist—IscootedclosertohimonthecouchandpushedhisshouldersforwardsoIcouldrunmypalmdownhisback.
Hismusclesbunchedbeneathmytouch.“What,”hesaidinatight,controlledvoice.“Areyoudoing?”
“I’msearchingforyourcontrolpanel.”Ipattedhisback,trying—andfailing—nottonoticethesculptedcontoursofhismuscles.I’dneverseenAlexshirtless,butIimagineditwasglorious.“Youmustbearobot.”
Ireceivedastonyglareinresponse.See?Robot.
“Doyouhavetoswapoutyourbatteries,orareyourechargeable?”Iteased.“ShouldIcallyouR2-D—”
IyelpedwhenhegrabbedmyarmandspunmearounduntilIstraddledoneofhislegs.Mybloodroaredinmyearsashetightenedhisgriponmywrist—notenoughtohurt,butenoughtowarnmehecouldeasilybreakmeifhewanted.
Oureyeslocked,andtheroaringintensified.Beneaththosejadepoolsofice,Iglimpsedasparkofsomethingthatsentheatcurlingthroughmystomach.
“I’mnotatoy,Ava,”Alexsaid,hisvoicelethallysoft.“Don’tplaywithmeunlessyouwanttogethurt.”
Iswallowedmyfear.“Youwouldn’thurtme.”
Thatmysterioussparkcrystallizedintoanger.“ThisiswhyJoshwassoworriedaboutyou.Youaretrustingtoafault.”Heleanedforwardafractionofaninch,anditwasallIcoulddonottoleanback.Alex’spresencecrackledwithcoiledenergy,andIhadtheunnervingsensethatbeneathallthaticelayavolcanowaitingtoerupt—andGodhelpwhoeverwasaroundwhenthathappened.“Don’ttrytohumanizeme.I’mnotatorturedherofromoneofyourromanticfantasies.Youhavenoidea
whatI’mcapableof,andjustbecauseIpromisedJoshI’dlookafteryoudoesn’tmeanIcanprotectyoufromyourselfandyourbleedingheart.”
Pinkblossomedonmyfaceandchest.Iwastornbetweenfearandfury—fearofthathard,unyieldinglookinhiseyes;furyoverhowhespoketomelikeIwasana?vechildwhocouldn’ttiehershoelaceswithouthurtingherself.“Thisseemslikeanoverreactiontoasimplejoke,”Isaid,myjawtight.“I’msorryItouchedyouwithoutpermission,butyoucould’vetoldmetostopinsteadofgivingmeanentirespeechabouthowyouthinkI’mahelplessidiot.”
Hisnostrilsflared.“Idon’tthinkyou’reahelplessidiot.”
Myangeredgedoutmyfear.“Yes,youdo.YouandJoshboth.Youalwayssayyouwantto‘protect’melikeI’mnotagrownwomanwho’sperfectlycapableofhandlingherself.JustbecauseIseethegoodinpeopledoesn’tmeanI’manidiot.Ithinkoptimismisagood
trait,andIfeelsorryforpeoplewhogothroughlifebelievingtheworstofothers.”
“That’sbecausethey’veseentheworst.”
“Peopleseewhattheywanttosee,”Icountered.“Arethereawfulpeopleintheworld?Yes.Doawfulthingshappen?Yes.Butwonderfulpeopleexistandwonderfulthingshappentoo,andifyoufocustoomuchonthenegative,youmissallthepositive.”
Uttersilence,madeallthemoreawkwardbythefactthatIwasstillstraddlingAlex’sleg.
Iwassurehewouldyellatme,buttomyshock,Alex’sfacerelaxedintoahintofasmile.Hisfingersgrazedthesmallofmyback,andIalmostjumpedoutofmyskin.
“Thoserose-tintedglasseslookgoodonyou,Sunshine.”
Sunshine?
Iwassurehemeantthatmockingly,butthebutterfliesinmystomachstirredtolifeanyway,fanningawaymyanger.Traitors.
“Thanks.Youcanborrowthem.YouneedthemmorethanIdo,”Isaidpointedly.
Alowchuckleslippedfromhisthroat,andIalmostfelltothefloorinshock.Tonightwasturningouttobeanightoffirsts.
Alex’shandtrailedupmyspineuntilitrestedonthebackofmyneck,leavingacascadeoftinglesintheirwake.“Ifeelitdrippingalloverme.”
Hedidnot—what?
Aninfernoconsumedmybody.
“You’re—you—no,I’mnot!”Isputtered,pushinghimawayandscramblingoffhim.Mycorepulsed.OhmyGod,whatifIwas?
Icouldn’tlook,afraidI’dseeatelltalewetspotonhisjeans.
I’dhavetomovetoAntarctica.BuildmyselfanicecaveandlearntospeakpenguinbecauseIcouldnevershowmyfaceinHazelburg,D.C.,oranycitywhereIcouldrunintoAlexVolkovagain
Hischuckleblossomedintoafull-blownlaugh.Theeffectofhisrealsmilewassodevastating,evenamidmymortification,thatallIcoulddowasstareatthewayhisfacelitupandthesparklethattransformedhiseyesfrombeautifultodownrightbreathtaking.
Holycrap.PerhapsIshouldbegratefulheneversmiled,becauseifthat
waswhathelookedlikewhiledoingit…womankinddidn’tstandachance.
“I’mtalkingaboutyourbleedingheart,”hedrawled.“WhatdidyouthinkIwastalkingabout?”
“I—you—”ForgetAntarctica.IhadtomovetoMars.
Alex’slaughtersubsided,butthetwinkleinhiseyesremained.“What’sthenextmovie?”
“Excuseme?”
HeangledhischintowardtheDVDonthetable.“Youbroughttwomovies.What’sthesecondone?”
Thesuddensubjectchangegavemewhiplash,butIwasn’tcomplaining.Ididn’twanttospeakaboutmydrippinganythingwithAlex.Ever.
Mythighsclenched,andIgrittedout,“Marley&Me.”
“Putitin.”
Putit—oh,theDVD.
Ineededtogetmymindoutofthegutter.
Whiletheopeningcreditsplayed,IsatasfarawayfromAlexaspossibleand“casually”placedtwothrowpillowsbetweenusforgoodmeasure.Hedidn’tsayanything,butIsawhissmirkoutofthecornerofmyeye.
Iwassofocusedonnot
lookingathimIbarelypaidattentiontothemovie,butanhourlater,whenmyeyesdroopedandsleepbeckoned,Iwasstillthinkingabouthissmile.9
Alex
Isilentlycursed
JoshasIcarriedAvaupstairs.ThatassholealwaysputmeinsituationsIdidn’twanttobein.
Caseinpoint:sleepinginthesameroomashissister.
I’msurehewouldbeevenlesshappyaboutitthanIwas,butIhadn’tsetuptheguestroom—Ineverhadguests,notifIcouldhelpit—anditwaspouringoutside,soIcouldn’tbringherhomewithoutbothofusgettingdrenched.Icould’veleftheronthecouch,butshewould’vebeendamnuncomfortable.
Ikickedopenthedoortomyroomandsetheronthebed.Shedidn’tstir.
Myeyeslingeredonherform,noticingdetailsIhadnobusinessnoticing.Herdarkhairfannedoutbeneathherlikeablanketofblacksilklongenoughformetowrapmyfistaround,andherskirtrodeup,baringaninchmorethighthanmodest.Herskinlookedsmootherthansilk,andIhadtoclenchmyhandstorefrainfromtouchingher.
Mymindflashedbacktoearlierinthenight.HerskinhadturnedtheprettiestshadeofredwhenImademy“dripping”comment,andwhileI’djokedaboutherbleedingheart,apartofme—averylargepart—hadwantedtobendherovermyknee,yankupherskirt,andfindoutjusthowwetshewas.BecauseI’dseenthelustinthosebig,browneyes—she’dbeenturnedon.Andifshehadn’tmovedawaywhenshedid…
Itoremygazeaway,myjawclenchingattheunwelcomethoughtscrowdingmybrain.
Ishouldn’thavebeenthinkingaboutmybestfriend’ssisterthisway,butsomethinghadshifted.Iwasn’tsurewhenorhow,butI’dstartedseeingAvalessasJosh’sbabysisterandmoreasawoman.Abeautiful,pure-heartedbutfeistywomanwhomightbethedeathofmeoneofthesedays.
Inevershould’veinvitedherinearlier.Ishould’vegoneonmydatewithMadelinelikeI’dplanned,buttruthbetold,Icouldn’tstandMadeline’scompanyoutsidethebedroom.Shewasgorgeous,rich,sophisticated,andunderstoodshe’dgetnothingmorethanaphysicalrelationshipoutofme,butsheinsistedonbeingwinedanddinedbeforeeachofoursexsessions.Ionlyobligedbecausethewomanfuckedlikeapornstar.
AnightinwithAva,asbadofanideaasithadturnedouttobe,hadsoundedfarmoreappealingthananothertiresomemealatagenericfancyrestaurantwhereMadelinepreenedandpretendedwewereacoupleinfrontofD.C.’smoversandshakers.
Shedidn’texpectanystringsfromourarrangement,butshelikedstatussymbols,andI—asoneoftherichest,mosteligiblebachelorsintheDMVarea,accordingtoModedeVie
’slatestPowerIssue—wasastatussymbol.
Ididn’tcare.Iusedher;sheusedme.Wegotorgasmsoutofit.Itwasamutuallybeneficialrelationship,butmyarrangementwithMadelinehadrunitscourse.Herless-than-pleasedreactionwhenIcalledtotellherIcouldn’tmakeittonighthadcementedmydecision.
Madelinehadnoclaimoverme,andifshethoughtafewdinnersandblowjobswouldchangemymind,shewassorelymistaken.
IliftedAvasoIcouldtuckherbeneaththecovers.I’dexpectedhertosleepwithadreamysmileliketheoneshealwaysworewhenshewasawake.Instead,herbrowsweredrawn,hermouthtight,herbreathingshallow.
IalmostsmoothedahandoverherbrowbeforeIcaughtmyself.
Instead,Ichangedintoapairofblacksweats,flickedoffthelight,andclimbedintotheothersideofbed.Agentlemanwouldsleeponthecouchorthefloor,butofalltheinsultspeoplehadthrownmywayovertheyears,“gentleman”wasn’toneofthem.
Ilacedmyhandsbehindmyhead,tryingtoignorethesoftfemalepresencebesideme.Sleepwasn’tforthcoming,perusual,butinsteadofflippingtoaspecificdayinmymentalscrapbook,Iletmymindwanderasitpleased.
November27,2013.
“Trustme,dude,mydadwillbethrilledhehassomeonetotalkfootballwith.”Joshhoppedoutofthecar.“MebeinganNBAinsteadofNFLguyishisbiggestdisappointment.”
Ismirked,followinghimupthedrivewaytowardhisfamily’simposingbrickhouseintheMarylandsuburbs.Itwasn’taslargeasmymansionontheoutskirtsofPhiladelphiawhereIlivedwithmyuncle,butitmust’vecostatleastamillionortwo.Thickhedgeslinedthestonepathleadinguptothemassivemahoganyfrontdoor,andafall-themedwreathofflowersaccentedwithasilkybowhungoverthebrassdoorknocker.
“Mysister’sdoing,mostlikely,”Joshsaid,noticingmygaze.“Mydadhatesallthatshit,butAvalovesit.”
Iknewlittleabouthissisterotherthanthatshewasafewyearsyoungerthanus,andshelikedphotography.JoshhadboughtherasecondhandDSLRcamerafromeBayforChristmasbecauseshekeptdropping“hints”aboutitwhenevertheyspokeonthephone.
ImetJosh’sfatherfirst.Hesatinthelivingroom,watchingtheCowboysversusLionsgamelikeJoshhadpredicted.Michaelwasshorterthanhisson,buthischiseledfaceandsharpeyesmadehimappeartallerthanhisfive-foot-eightinches.
“Nicetomeetyou,sir.”Iheldhisgaze,unflinching,whenIshookhishead.
Michaelgruntedaresponse.
Joshwasathird-generationChinese-American,whichmeanthisfatherhadbeenbornintheU.S.Michaelhadbeenthemodelson,astraight-Astudentwho’dattendedtop-tierschoolsandfoundedasuccessfulcompanydespitethefacthisownparentsneverfinishedhighschool.Similartomyfather,exceptminehadbeenborninUkraineandimmigratedtotheU.S.inhisteens.
Mychesttightened.WhenJoshfoundoutIhadnofamilytocelebrateThanksgivingwithotherthanmyuncle,whocouldn’tcarelessabouttheholiday,he’dinvitedmetocelebratewiththeChens.Iwasbothgratefulandsomewhatirritated.Ihatedbeingtheobjectofanyone’spity.
“Josh,haveyou—oh.”Thefemalevoicebehindmehalted.
Iturned,mycoolgazeassessingthepetitebrunetteinfrontofme.Shewasn’tactuallythatshort—probablyfivefootfive,butcomparedtomysix-three,shewasminiature-sized.Withherrosebudlipsanddelicateface,sheresembledadoll.
Shebeamed,andIfoughtagrimace.Itwasn’tnormalforsmilestobethatbright.
“Hi!I’mAva,Josh’ssister.YoumustbeAlex.”Sheheldoutherhand.
Istaredatitlongenoughthathersmilefaded,replacedwithanuncomfortableexpression,andJoshnudgedmeintheribs.
“Dude,”hecoughedoutthesideofhismouth.
Ifinallyshookherhand.Itwastinyanddelicate,andIcouldn’thelpthinkinghoweasyitwouldbetocrushit
Thisgirlandhersunshineysmilewouldn’tlastadayintherealworld,wheremonsterslurkedaroundeverycornerandpeoplehidtheirdarkintentionsbehindmasks.Iwassureofit.
Ascreamyankedmeoutofmymemoriesandintoreallifeagain,wheretheshadowsgrewlongandthebodynexttominewrithedwithdistress.
“Stop!”StarkterrordrenchedAva’svoice.“No!Help!
”
Fivesecondslater,I’dturnedonthebedsidelampandwasoutofbed,guninhand.Ialwayskeptafirearmbymyside,andI’dinstalledanew,top-of-the-linesecuritysystemrightafterImovedin.Ididn’tknowhowanintrudergotpastallthedefenseswithouttriggeringanalarm,buttheypickedthewronghousetobreakinto.
WhenIlookedaroundthough,Ididn’tseeanyoneelseintheroom.
“Please,stop!”Avatwistedonthebed,herfacepale.Hereyeswerewideopenbutunseeing.“He—”Shechokedlikeshecouldn’tgetenoughairinherlungs.
Nightmare.
Myshouldersrelaxedbeforetensingagain.
Shewasn’thavinganightmare;shewashavingnightterrors.Powerfulones,ifherreactionwasanythingtogoby
Avascreamedagain,andmyhearttripped.Ialmostwishedtherewere
anintrudersoIhadsomethingphysicaltofight.
Icouldn’twakeorrestrainher;thatwastheworstthingyoucoulddowhensomeonehadnightterrors.AllIcoulddowaswaitfortheepisodetopass.
Ileftthebedsidelamponandkeptaneyeonherincaseshehurtherselfwithallthethrashing.Ihatedfeelinghelpless,butIknewbetterthananyonethatnoonecanfightourmentalbattlesforus.
Halfanhourlater,Ava’sscreamshadquieted,butIcontinuedmyvigil.Itwasn’tlikeIcouldsleep.MyinsomniameantIonlyslepttwoorthreehoursanight,thoughIoftencrashedfornapsinthemiddleofthedaywhenIcould.
Iopenedmylaptopandwasreviewingnewbusinessdocumentswhenmyphonepinged.
Josh:Yo,I’mbored.
GuessIwasn’ttheonlypersonwhocouldn’tsleeptonight.
Me:Whatdoyouwantmetodoaboutit?
Josh:Entertainme.
Me:Fuckyou.I’mnotyourcircusmonkey.
Josh:Iwokeupmyroommate,Isnortedsoloud.YoushoulddefdressupasacircusmonkeyforHalloween.
Me:Onlyifyoudressupasanass.Sorry,Imeandonkey.
Me:You’realreadyanass.
Josh:Whatacomedian.Don’tquityourdayjob.
Josh:P.S.YouthinkIwon’tdoit?I’lldoitjustsoIcanblackmailyouwiththemonkeypics.
Me:Youdon’ttellsomeoneyouwanttoblackmailthembeforegettingtheblackmailmaterial,dumbass.
AsJoshandIjokedandgaveeachothershit,Iglancedtomyside,whereAvasleptwithherfaceburiedinoneofmypillows.Atrickleofsomethingthatmight’vebeenguiltwormeditswayintomystomach,whichwasridiculous.Itwasn’tlikewe’dmessedaround.
Besides,sleepinginthesamebedasmybestfriend’ssisterwasn’ttheworstthingI’deverdone…orwoulddo.
Notbyalongshot.10
Ava
Somethingsmelleddelicious,
likespiceandheat.Iwantedtowrapitaroundmelikeablanket.
Isnuggledclosertothesource,enjoyingthestrong,solidwarmthbeneathmycheek.Ididn’twanttowakeup,butI’dpromisedBridgetIwouldvolunteeratalocalpetshelterwithherthismorning,beforemyafternoonshiftatthegallery.
Iallowedmyselfonemoreminuteofcoziness—hadmybedalwaysbeenthisbigandsoft—beforeIopenedmyeyesandyawned.
Weird.
Myroomlookeddifferent.Nophotographprintspaperingthewalls,novaseofsunflowersbythebed.Anddidmybedjustmovebyitself?
Myeyeslatchedontothebroadexpanseofbareskinbeneathme,andmystomachdropped.Ilookedup,up—straightintoapairoffamiliargreeneyes.Eyesthatstaredbackatmewithnohintofthehumorfromlastnight.
Heflickedhisgazedown.Ifollowedit…andrealized,tomyabjecthorror,thatIwastouchingAlexVolkov’sdick.Unintentionally,andhehadonsweats,butstill.
I.Was.Touching.Alex.Volkov’s.Dick.
Anditwashard.
Mortificationwashedovermeinatidalwave.Moveyourhand.Moveitnow!
Mybrainscreamed,andIwantedto.Ireallydid.ButIstayedfrozen,paralyzedbyshockandhumiliationandsomethingelseIwouldrathernotname.
AbriefimageflashedthroughmymindofwhatAlexmustbepackingbeneathhispants.Ihadafeeling—punintended—itwouldrivalthatofanymalepornstar.
“Pleaseremoveyourhandfrommycockunlessyouplanondoingsomethingwithit,”Alexsaidcoolly.
Ifinallyyankedmyhandawayandscrambledback,myheartbeatingawildrhythminmychestasItriedtogetmybearings.
“Whathappened?WhyamIhere?Didwe—didyouandI—”Igesturedbetweenus,sickwithanticipation.
Oh,God,Joshwouldkillme,andIcouldn’tevenblamehim.
I’dsleptwithmybrother’sbestfriend.
Shit!
“Relax.”Alexrolledoutofbed,litheandgracefulasapanther.Sunlightstreamedthroughthewindowsandilluminatedhissculptedframe,castinghisperfectlycarvedchestandabsinapaleglow.“Youfellasleepduringthatdogmovieanditwasraining,soIbroughtyouuphere.Theend.”
“Sowedidn’t…”
“Fuck?No.”
“Oh,thankGod.”Ipressedahandtomyforehead,reliefacoolbalmtotheheatonmycheeks.“Thatwould’vebeenawful.”
“I’lltrynottotakeoffensetothat,”Alexsaiddryly.
“YouknowwhatImean.Joshwould’vemurderedus,broughtusbacktocleanupthemess,thenmurderedusagain.NotthatIwanttosleepwithyoueitherway.”Liar,
anannoyingvoiceinmyheadwhispered.Ishoveditaside.“You’renotmytype.”
Alex’seyesnarrowed.“No?Thenwho,praytell,is
yourtype?”
Itwastooearlyforthis.“Um…”Iscrambledtothinkofasafeanswer.“IanSomerhalder?”
Heletoutaderisivesnort.“Betterthanthesparklyvampire,”hemuttered.“Newsflash,Sunshine,youandIanaren’thappening.”
Irolledmyeyesandgotoutofbed,flinchingwhenIsawmyreflectioninthemirror.Wrinkleddress,tangledhair,pillowcreasesonmycheek,andwasthatalineofcrusteddroolonthesideofmylips?Yeah,Iwouldn’twinabeautycontestanytimesoon.
“Thanks,CaptainObvious,”Isaid,discreetlywipingthedroolfrommyfacewhileAlexpulledaT-shirtoverhishead.Hisbedroomwasassparseasthelivingroom,withnothingexcepthismassivebed,anightstandwithalampandalarmclock,andadresserdecoratingthespace.“Don’tgetyourpantiesinatwist.I’mnotyourtypeeither,remember?OrmaybeIam…”Iraisedmyeyebrowsattheobvioustentinhispants.
Hewantedtobeajerkagain?Twocouldplaythisgame.
“Don’treadtoomuchintoit.It’smorningwood.Everyguygetsit.”Alexranahandthroughhishair,whichofcoursewasstillperfectafteranight’ssleep.“Andmypantiesarenot
inatwist.”
“Ifyousayso,”Isang.“Also,stopcallingmeSunshine.”
“Why?”
“Becauseit’snotmyname.”
“I’maware.It’sanickname.”
Ireleasedanexasperatedbreath.“Wedon’tknoweachotherwellenoughfornicknames.”
“We’veknowneachotherforeightyears.”
“Yes,butwedon’thavethattypeofrelationship!Plus,I’msureyou’remockingme,bleedingheartandall.”
Alexraisedaneyebrow.“Enlightenme.Whattypeofrelationshipdo
wehave?”
Weweretreadingdangerousground.“We’reneighbors.Friendlyacquaintances.”Irackedmybrainformorebecausethosetermsdidn’tseemright.“Moviebuddies?”
Heclosedthedistancebetweenus,andIgulped,holdingmygroundeventhoughIwantedtorun.“Youalwayssleepinthesamebedasyouracquaintances?”heaskedsoftly.
“Ididn’task
tosleepinthesamebedasyou.”Itriednottostareattheregionbelowhiswaist,butitwasdifficulttoignore.Mynippleshardenedandscrapedagainstmybra,andmyskinflushedwitharousal.
Whatthehellwashappening?ThiswasAlex,
forPete’ssake.TheAntichrist.Theasshole.Therobot.
Exceptmybodymust’venotgottenthememo,becauseIwassuddenlyfantasizingaboutpushinghimonthebedandfinishingwhatmyhandhadinadvertentlystartedearlier.
No.Getittogether.YouarenotsleepingwithAlexVolkov,noworever.
“Anyway,I—Ihavetogo.Volunteer.Pets,”Istammered,barelymakingsensetomyself.“Thanksforlettingmestayoverseeyoulaterbye
!”
Ibeatahastyretreatdownthestairsandranhome.
Ineededacoldshower,ASAP.
PHASESADNESSSTATUS:FAILED
***
“Youtouched
Alex’sdick?”
Bridget’seyeswidened.“Whatdiditfeellike?”
“Shhh!
”Iglancedaroundtoseeifanyonewaslistening,buteveryonewastoobusywiththeirdutiestopayattentiontous.Bridgethadvolunteeredattheshelterlongenoughthestaffdidn’tblinkaneyeattheprincessintheirmidst,andwewerealwaystheonlyvolunteersonthedaysBridgetcamein,pertheroyalfamily’srequest.“It’sunbecomingforaprincesstosaytheworddick.”
EspeciallyinBridget’sposh,lightlyaccentedvoice,whichsoundedlikeitwasmadetodiscussfancygalasandHarryWinstondiamonds,not
malegenitalia.
“I’vesaidworsethingsthandick.”
Assomeonewho’dbeenfriendswithherforalmostfouryears,Icouldconfirm.Itstillsoundedwrongthough.
“So?”sheprompted.“Whatdiditfeellike?”
“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.Itfeltlikeapenis.”Abig,hard—nope.Not
goingthere.
Notnow.Notever.
BridgetandIwerecleaningandsanitizingthecagesatWagsandWhiskers,apetrescueshelterlocatednearcampus.Shewasahugeanimalpersonandhadbeenvolunteeringheresincesophomoreyear.IaccompaniedherwhenIhadtime,asdidStella.Juleswasallergictocats,soshestayedaway.ButthisshelterwasBridget’sbaby.Shecametwiceaweekwithoutfail,muchtoBooth’sconsternation.
Istifledasmileatthesightoftheburly,redheadedbodyguardeyeingaparrotwithsuspicion.Despiteitsname,WagsandWhiskerstookinallsortsofanimals,notjustcatsanddogs,andithadasmallbutrobustbirdsection.
Boothwasn’tscaredofbirdsperse,buthedislikedthem;hesaidtheyremindedhimofgiantflyingrats.
“Hmm.”Bridgetseemeddisappointedbymyuninterestingresponse.“Andthemoviesreallydidn’tmakehimsad?Atall?”
“Nope.”Irolledupthenewspaperfrommycageanddumpeditinthegarbagecan.“Well,IfellasleepbeforetheendofMarley&Me,
butIdoubthecriedoranythinglikethat.Helookedboredtheentiretime.”
“Yethecontinuedwatchingboth
movies.”Bridgetraisedaperfectblondebrow.“Interesting.”
“Hedidn’thaveachoice.Iwasalreadyathishouse.”
“Please.ThisisAlexVolkovwe’retalkingabout.He’dthrowsomeoneoutinaheartbeatifhewanted.”
True.
Ifrownedandconsideredherwords.“He’snicertomebecauseI’mJosh’ssister.”
“Right.”Bridgetletoutasoftlaugh.“Whichphaseisupnextagain?”
Ugh,thestupidOperationEmotion,orOEasI’dstartedcallingit.Itwasthebaneofmyexistence.
“Disgust.”IhadnocluewhatI’ddo,butthatphaseseemedeasier.IhadafeelinglotsofthingsdisgustedAlex.
“I’dpaygoodmoneytoseethat.”BridgettossedalaughingglanceinBooth’sdirection.“Areyouallright,Booth?”
“Yes,YourHighness.”Hegrimacedwhentheparrotsquawked,“Ooh,yes!Spankme,master!”
“Iamnotyourmaster,”hetoldthebird.“Goaway.”
Theparrotdrewitselfupandruffleditsfeathersinindignation.
BridgetandIburstintolaughter.Apparently,theparrot’soldownerhadbeenquiteactivesexually…andkinky.Itsoutbursttodaywastamecomparedtoitsprevioustirades.
“I’llmissyou.”Bridgetsighed.“Ihopemynextbodyguardhasasenseofhumor.”
Istoppedscrubbingthecage.“Wait,what?Booth,you’releavingus?”
Boothscratchedthebackofhisneck,lookingsheepish.“Mywifeisgivingbirthsoon,soI’llbeonpaternityleave.”
“Congrats.”Ismiled,eventhoughIwasprettysad.HewasBridget’semployee,butwe’dacceptedhimasanhonorarymemberofourgroup.He’dbailedusoutofmanydodgysituationsinthepast,andhegaveprettygoodboyadvice,too.“We’llmissyou,butthatissoexciting!”
Hisfaceflushedwithpleasure.“Thankyou,MissAva.”
Hewasunfailinglypoliteandinsistedoncallingme“Miss”nomatterhowmanytimesItoldhimhecouldusejustmyfirstname.
“We’rethrowingyouagoingawaypartywhenthetimecomes,”Bridgetsaid.“Youdeserveitforputtingupwithmealltheseyears.”
Booth’sblushdeepened.“That’snotnecessary,YourHighness.Itwas—is—apleasureservingatyourside.”
Bridget’seyestwinkled.“See,thisiswhyyoudeserveagoingawayparty.You’rethebest.”
BeforeBoothcouldexplodefromhowredhewasturning,Iadded,“We’llmakeitparrotthemed.”
BridgetandIcollapsedintolaughteragainwhilethebodyguardshookhisheadwithahalf-resigned,half-embarrassedsmile.
ItwasalmostenoughtotakemymindoffAlex.11
Ava
OPERATIONEMOTION:
PHASEDISGUST
“Youalreadybroughtmewelcome-to-the-neighborhoodcookies.”Alexstaredatthebasketonthediningtable.
“Thesearen’twelcomecookies.”Ipushedthebaskettowardhim.“Theseareanexperiment.Itriedanewrecipeandwantedtoseewhatyouthink.”
Hemadeanimpatientnoise.“Idon’thavetimeforthis.Ihaveaconferencecallinhalfanhour.”
“Itwon’ttakeyouhalfanhourtoeatonecookie.”
Yes,IhadfinagledaninvitationinsideAlex’shouseagain,
thistimeforthesecondphaseofOE.NeitherAlexnorImentionedhis,er,morningwoodsituationafewdaysearlier.Ididn’tknowabouthim,butI’dpreferifweforgotaboutthatmorningaltogether.
“Fine.”Hepeeredattheconfectionswithsuspicion.“Whatflavor?”
Asparagus,raisins,andgarlicbrittle.
I’dpickedthemostdisgustingingredientmixtureIcouldthinkofbecausethiswas,afterall,PhaseDisgust.Partofmefeltbadbecausehe’dbeenprettynicethenightwewatchedthosemoviesandhe’dcanceledhisdateforme;theotherpartwasstillalittleannoyedbyhowhe’dtreatedOwen,whowasafraidtotalktomenowbecausehefearedAlexwouldpopupoutofnowhereandkillhim.
Iclearedmythroat.“It’sa,um,surprise.”
ItuckedmyhandsbeneathmythighsandjitteredmyfootasAlexbroughtacookietohismouth.Ialmostdoveforhimandknockeditoutofhishand,butIwascurioushowhewouldreact.
Wouldhespititout?Gag?Throwthecookieatmeandkickmeoutofthehouse?
Hechewedslowly,hisfacenotbetrayinganyemotionwhatsoever.
“Well?Whatdoyouthink?”Iinjectedfakepepinmyvoice.“Good?”
“Youbakedthese.”Notaquestion.
“Yep.”
“Youbakedtheredvelvetcookies,andyoubaked…these.”
Mybottomlipdisappearedbehindmyteeth.“Uh-huh.”Icouldn’tlookhimintheeye.NotonlywasIterribleatlying,Iwasterribleatkeepingastraightface.
“They’refine.”
Myheadsnappedup.“What?”Thecookiesweren’tfine;theyweregross.
I’dtriedonemyselfandalmostthrewup.Asparagusandgarlicbrittledidnot
mix.
Alexfinishedchewing,swallowed,anddustedthecrumbsfromhishands.“They’refine,”herepeated.“Now,ifyou’llexcuseme,Ihaveacalltotake.”
Heleftmeinthediningroom,mouthagape.
Ipickedupacookiefromthebasketandnibbledonit,justincase—
Blech!
Igaggedandranintothekitchentospitouttheabomination,thenrinsedmymouthwithwaterfromthesinktoerasethelingeringaftertaste.
Alexmusthavemessed-uptastebuds,becausenonormalpersonwould’vebeenabletoswallowthosecookieswithoutatleastgrimacing.
Icametotheonlyconclusionthatmadesense.
“He’sdefinitelyarobot.”
PHASEDISGUSTSTATUS:FAILED
***
OPERATIONEMOTION:
PHASEHAPPINESS
Whatmakesmenhappy?
Thequestionhadplaguedmeinthelead-uptothethirdphaseofOE.Mostofthethingsthatwouldmakemenhappydidn’tapplytoAlexormysituation.
Money?Hehadplentyofit.
Jobsatisfaction?NothingIcoulddoaboutit.
Spendingtimewithfriends?JoshwasAlex’sonlyfriendthatIknewof,andIwasprettysureAlexdidnotenjoymostpeople’scompany.
Sex?Um,Iwasn’thavingsexwithhimforanexperiment.Oranyotherreason,evenifIwastheteeniest
bitcuriousaboutwhatitwouldbelike.
Love?Lol,okay.AlexVolkovinlove.Sure.
Julessuggestedablowjob,whichfellundersexandwhichIvetoed.
Ittookdaysofbrainstorming,butIcameupwithsomethingthatmightwork.Perhapsitwouldn’tmakeAlexsoul-happy,butit’llhelphimrelaxandlaughalittle.
Maybe.
“Idislikesittingontheground.”Hestaredatthegrasslikeitwasamudpit.“It’suncomfortableandunsanitary.”
“It’snot.Howisitunsanitary?”Ilaidablanketoutandanchoreditwiththepicnicbasketsoitwouldn’tblowaway.I’dconvincedhimtogoforapicnicatMeridianHillPark.WhenIbroughtitup,he’dactedlikeI’dsuddenlysproutedtwoheads,buthe’dagreed.
Now,ifonlyhewouldstopactinglikesuchagrouch,wecouldenjoythelastdaysofsummer.
“Thegrassisprobablysoakedwithdogurine,”hesaid.
Iwincedatthementalimage.“That’swhattheblanketisfor.Sit.”
Alexheavedanaggrievedsighandsat,lookingunhappyaboutittheentiretime.
Undeterred,Iunpackedthepicnicbasket,whichcontainedsummerpasta(myfavorite),lobsterrolls(Alex’sfavorite,accordingtoJosh),assortedfruit,cheeseandcrackers,strawberrylemonade,andofcourse,myredvelvetcookies,whichAlexseemedtolike.
“Thisissomuchbetterthanbeingcoopedupinside.”Istretchedmyarmsovermyhead,luxuriatinginthesunshine.“Freshair,goodfood.Don’tyoufeelhappieralready?”
“No.Therearechildrenscreamingeverywhere,andaflyjustlandedinyoursalad.”
Damnflies.
Iquicklyshooeditaway.
“Whyarewehere,Ava?”Alex’sbrowpinched.
“I’mtryingtohelpyourelax,butyou’remakingitdamnhard.”Ithrewmyhandsintheair,prettyexasperatedmyself.“Youknowthatmagicalthingyoudidduringmovienightcalledalaugh?Youdiditonce,youcandoitagain.Comeon,”IencouragedwhilehestaredatmelikeIwascrazy.“Youmusthavesome
warm,fuzzyfeelingsleftinsideofyousomewhere.”
AndthatwasthemomentadogfromanearbypartywanderedoverandpeedonAlex’sshoes.
PHASEHAPPINESSSTATUS:FAILED
***
OPERATIONEMOTION:
PHASEFEAR
Wewerestuck.
BetweenmyfriendsandI,noneofuscouldthinkofasinglethingthatwouldinspirefearinAlex—atleast,nonethatweren’tillegalorfuckedup.
Jules,whowasmorecomfortablewith“fuckedup”thantherestofus,jokedaboutpretendingtorobhimatknifepoint—atleast,Ihopedshewasjoking—untilStellapointedoutAlexwouldlikelyturnthesituationaroundandkillme
beforehefiguredoutitwasaprank.
Iagreed.
Iwastooyoungtodie,sowescrappedanyideasthatwouldinvolveaphysicalconfrontation.
Intheabsenceofanylightbulbmoments,Iturnedtomylastresort,Josh.
Wevideo-chattedeveryweek,catchingeachotheruponourlives,andrightnow,hewastellingmeabouthisnew“friendwithbenefits.”
Seriously.
TrustJoshtofindwomeneveninthemiddleofatinyCentralAmericanvillagedoingmedicalvolunteerwork.
“Howisthatpossible?”Idemanded.“There’slessthanahundredpeopleinthatvillage!”IknewbecauseI’dGoogleditafterJoshannouncedhisplacement.
“WhatcanIsay?I’mcharmed,”hedrawled.“WhereverIgo,womenfollow.”
“Ithinkshewastherebeforeyou,dickhead,andIhopeyou’renotneglectingyourworktomakeoutwithyournew‘friend’.”
“Dafuck?Tellmeyou’rekidding.”
Iwavedmyhandintheair.“Iam,Iam.Don’tgetyourknickersinatwist.”
Asmuchofahorndogasmybrotherwas,hetookhisworkseriously.WhereasIhadtobustmyassformyA’s,hewasoneofthoseannoyingpeoplewhodidn’thavetostudymuchtoexcelinschool.Buthelovedmedicalworkandhelpingpeople.Evenwhenwewereyoung,hewastheonewho’dbandagedmeupafterIscrapedmykneeandlookedupwaystohelpmewithmynightmareswhileourfatherthrewhimselfintowork.
ItwaswhyIletJoshgetawaywithhisoverprotectiveness.Hecouldbeannoyingashell,buthewasstillthebestbrother.
I’dnevertellhimthatthough.Ifhisheadinflatedanymore,he’dhavetroublewalking.
“Bytheway.”ItriedtosoundcasualasIfiddledwiththesleeveofmyshirt.“Halloweeniscomingup,andIwasthinkingofpullingsomepranks.IsthereanythingAlexisscaredof?Clowns,spiders,heights…”
SuspicioncrawledintoJosh’sface.“Halloweenismorethantwomonthsaway.”
“Yeah,butitsneaksuponyou,andIwanttoprepare.”
“Hmm.”Joshtappedhisfingersonhisthigh.“Hmm…
”
“AnytimebeforeI’meightywouldbegreat.”
“Shutup.YouknowhowharditistothinkofsomethingAlexisscaredof?I’veknownhimforeightyears,andI’veneveronceseenhimafraid.”
Myfacefell.Well,shit.
“Youcouldtrytheusualstuffpeoplehate,butIdoubtyou’dgetanywhere.”Joshshrugged.“Onetimeweranintoabearwhilehikingandthefuckerdidn’tevenblink.Juststoodtherelookingboredandannoyeduntilthebearwanderedoff.Jumpscaresdon’tworkeither.Trustme—I’vetriedmanytimestoprankhiminthepastandfailedeverytime.”
“Goodtoknow.”
Perhapsthisphasewasalostcause.IfJosh,whoknewAlexbetterthananyone,couldn’tscarehim,noneofuscould.
ThesuspicionreturnedtoJosh’seyes.“Isthisyouridea,oracertainredhead’s?”
“Ummm…mine?”
“Bullshit.”Joshscowled.“Don’ttellmeshe’sstillinfatuatedwithAlex.He’salostcausewhenitcomestorelationships—won’tevergetintoone,andheonlyfuckscertainwomen.”
Iwasdyingtoaskwhothese“certainwomen”were,butIcouldn’twithoutsoundinglikeIwasinterestedinAlex.WhichIwasn’t.
“Idon’tthinkJuleswaseverinfatuated
withhim,”Isaid.“Shejustthinkshe’shot.”
“Whatever.”Joshrakedahandthroughhishair.“Hey,Ihaveanearlymorningtomorrow,soI’mgonnacrash.Letmeknowifyousucceedinprankinghimandtakeavideoofitforme.Icouldusethelaugh.”
“Sure.”ConcernreplacedmyearlierdiscomfortathearingaboutAlex’s“certainwomen.”IcouldtellJoshwaswornoutdespitehisjokesandwiseasscomments.Thereweredarkcirclesbeneathhiseyes,andlinesoftensionbracketedhismouth.He’dbeggedoffearlyourlastfewcalls,andusually,hecouldstayupallnighttalkingaboutthedumbeststuff.
Once,he’dwaxedpoeticabouthisnewsneakersuntilthreeinthemorning.
“Getsomerest.IfIhavetoflydowntoCentralAmericatokickyourass,I’llbepissed.”
“Ha.”Joshsnorted.“Youwish
youcouldkickmyass.”
“Night,Joshy.”
“Don’t
callmethat,”hegrumbled.“Night.”
AfterIhungup,Itookoutmynotebookandscratchedoutphasethree.
PHASEFEARSTATUS:ONHOLD(INDEFINITELY)12
Ava
“Theexperimentisafailure,
butatleastit’sover.”Isuckeddowntherestofmycranberryvodka.I’dnurseditforsolongalltheicehadmeltedandittastedlikefruitywater.“ThankGod.”
“Toobad.”Bridgetlookeddisappointed.“IwaslookingforwardtoseeingAlexlosehiscool.”
“Hestillcan.Theexperimentisn’toveryet.”Juleswaggedherfingerintheair.
Uneasecrawleddownmyneck.“Yes,itis.Wedecidedonfourphases:sadness,disgust,happiness,andfear.”
“Therearefive
phases.”Jules’shazeleyessparkledwithmischief.“Thelastisjealousy,ordidyouforget?”
“Ineveragreedtothat!”
WewereatTheCrypt,Thayer’smostpopularoff-campusbar,foronelasthurrahbeforeclassesstartedMonday.Studentshadstartedtricklingback,andthebarwaswaymorepackedthanearlierthissummer.
“Butit’sthebestone,”Julesargued.“Don’t—”
“Ava.”
Istiffenedatthesoundofmynamesaidinthat
voice.Thevoicethatusedtowhispertomeatnightandtellmeit—he—lovedme.ThevoiceIhadn’theardintwomonths,notsinceheshowedupoutsidethegalleryonedayinJulyanddemandedIspeakwithhim.
Itiltedmyheaduntilhazeleyesclashedwithmydarkbrownones.
Liamtoweredoverme,handsomeandpreppyaseverinanavy-bluepoloandkhakis.He’dcuthishair,theblondstrandsnolongerthemessofsoftcurlsI’dlovedrunningmyfingersthrough,butshorter,closer-croppedtohisskull.
Myperipheralvisionrevealedmyfriends’reactionstohisunexpectedappearanceinonesweep:nervousnessonStella’sface,trepidationonBridget’s,angeronJules’s.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”ItoldmyselfIdidn’tneedtobescared.Wewereinpublic,sittingsmackdabinthemiddleofacrowdedbar.IwassurroundedbymyfriendsandBooth,whoeyedLiamlikehe’dliketodropkicktheguy.
Iwassafe.
Still,myskintingledwithunease.IthoughtLiamhadgivenuphisquesttowinmeback,butherehewas,lookingatmelikenothinghadchanged.LikeIhadn’tcaughthimwithhispantsdownandburiedinsideastrangeblondethenighthe’dclaimedtohavea“fever.”I’ddroppedbyhisapartmenthopingtosurprisehimwithchickensoupandendedupbeingtheonesurprisedinstead.
“Canwetalk?”
“I’mbusy.”Icouldsmellthealcoholonhisbreath,andIwasn’tinterestedintalkingtoasoberLiam,muchlessadrunkone.
“Ava,please.”
“Shesaidshe’sbusy,asshole,”Julessnapped.
Liamglaredather.They’dnevergottenalong.“Idon’trememberspeakingtoyou,”hesneered.
“SeeifyourememberwhenIstickmy—”
“Fiveminutes.”Istood,myshouldersstiff.
“What—”
“Ava—”
“Areyousure—”
Myfriendsallspokeatonce.
Inodded.“Yeah.I’llbebackinfive,okay?IfI’mnot—”IglaredatLiam.“Youcancomelookingformewithtorchesandpitchforks.”He’dhoverallnightunlessIspokewithhim,andI’drathergetitoverwith.
“Ihavemorethantorchesandpitchforks,”Boothgrowled.
Liamflinched.
Ifollowedhimoutsidethebarandcrossedmyarmsovermychest.“Makeitquick.”
“Iwantyoutogivemeanotherchance.”
“I’vealreadytoldyouathousandtimes—no.”
Frustrationbledintohisface.“Babe,it’sbeenmonths.
Whatdoyouwantmetodo,falltomykneesandbeg?Haven’tyoupunishedmeenough?”
“It’snotaboutpunishment.”Forsomeonewho’dgraduatedcumlaude,Liamcouldn’tseemtograspsuchasimpleconcept.“It’saboutthefactthatyoucheatedonme.
Idon’tcarehowlongit’sbeenorhowsorryyouare.Cheatingisunacceptable,andwearenotgettingbacktogether.Ever.”
Thefrustrationmorphedintoanger.“Why?Yougotanewman?”hegrowled.“Youhavenewdickandyoudon’tneedmeanymore,isthatit?Ineverknewyouweresuchaslut.”
“Fuckyou.”Myheartpumpedfast.Liamhadneversaidsuchnastythingstome.Ever.“Yourfiveminutesareup.Thisconversationisover.”
Itriedtoleave,buthegrabbedmywristandyankedmeback.Itwasthefirsttimehe’dlaidahandonmeoutofanger.
Myheartwasracingtriple-speednow,butIforcedmyselftoremaincalm.“Getyourhandsoffme,”Ihissed.“Oryou’llregretit.”
“Whoishe?”Liam’seyeswerewild,andIrealizedwithasinkingstomachthathewasnotonlydrunkbuthigh.Adangerouscombination.“Tellme!”
“Thereis
nootherguy,andeveniftherewere,it’snoneofyourbusiness!”IwishedI’dbroughtmypepperspray.SinceIhadn’t,Isettledforthenextbestthing:kneeinghimintheballs.Hard.
Liamreleasedhisholdonmeanddoubledoverinpain.“Youbitch,”hewheezed.“You—”
Ididn’twaittohearwhathesaidnext.Ifledbacktothesafetyofthebar,mypulseroaringinmyears.
Ican’tbelievethathappened.Liamhadneveractedsooutofcontrol.He’dbeenpersistentandkindofdouchey,buthe’dneverphysicallyhurtme.
BythetimeItoldmyfriendswhathappenedandtheyranoutsidetoconfrontLiamovermyprotests,hewasgone,butmyqueasinessremained.
Youthinkyouknowsomeoneuntilsomethinghappensthatprovesyouneverreallyknewthematall.13
Alex
ThayerUniversity’s
annualalumnicharitygalawastheeventoftheseason,butwhileitdidraisemoneyforthelatestcausedujour,itwasn’treallyaboutcharity.Itwasaboutego.
Iattendedeveryyear.
NotbecauseIwantedtobeaphilanthropistorreminisceaboutmycollegedays,butbecausethegalawasafountainofinformation.Thayercountedthemostpowerfulpeopleintheworldamongstitsalumni,andtheyallcongregatedintheballroomoftheZHotelD.C.everyAugust.Itwastheperfectopportunitytonetworkandgatherintel.
“…passthebill,butit’llgetkilledinCongress…”
IpretendedtolistenwhileColton,anoldclassmatewhonowworkedingovernmentaffairsforamajorsoftwarecompany,dronedonaboutthelatestpieceoftechlegislation.
Herarelyhadanythinginterestingtosay,buthisfatherwashighupintheFBI,soIkepthiminmyorbitincaseIneededhiminthefuture.
Itwasalwaysaboutthelonggame—measurednotinweeksormonths,butinyears.Decades.
Eventhetiniestofseedscansproutintothemightiestofoaks.
Itwasasimpleconceptmostpeopledidn’tunderstandbecausetheyweretoobusychasingshort-termgratification,anditwasthereasonmostpeoplefail.Theyspenttheirlivessittingontheirassesandtellingthemselves“someday”whenpreparationshould’vestartedyesterday.Bythetime“someday”came,itwastoolate.
“…thisIPissuewithChina…”Coltonstoppedabruptly.ThankGod.
IfIhadtolistentohisnasalvoiceonemoresecond,Iwould’vewalkedovertothebarandstabbedmyselfintheeyewithafork.
“Whoisthat?
”heasked,ahungrylookovertakinghisfaceashestaredovermyshoulder.“She’shot.
”Hisvoicewasashungryashisexpression.“I’veneverseenherbefore.Haveyou?”
Iturnedoutofmildcuriosity.Ittookmeasecondtolatchontowhateverunsuspectinggirlhadcapturedhisattention.ColtonwasalmostasbigawomanizerasJosh.
WhenIfinallylocatedthesourceofColton’sravenousgaze,mymusclessnappedintoarigidlineandmyfistclosedaroundthestemofmychampagneglass,tightenoughthedelicateglasscouldshatteratanymoment.
Sheglidedintotheballroom,herlithebodypouredintoasleekgownthatflowedoverhercurveslikeliquid,shimmeringgold.She’dgatheredherhairupinafancyhairdo,exposingherswanlikeneckandsmoothshoulders.Darkeyes.Bronzeskin.Redlips.Allsmilesandsunshine,unawareshe’dwalkedintoapitofvipers.
Agoddessenteringthegatesofhell,andshedidn’tevenknowit.
Apulsetickedinmyjaw.
Whatthehell
wasAvadoinghere,wearingthatdress?Shewasn’tanalumnayet.Sheshouldn’tbehere.Notaroundthesepeople.
Iwantedtogougeouttheeyesofeverymanstaringatherliketheywerestarvedandshewasajuicysteak,whichwasprettymucheverymanhere—includingColton.Ifhedidn’tputhistonguebackinhismouthsoon,I’dcutitoutforhim.
IlefthimsalivatingbehindmewithoutawordandstalkedtowardAva,mystrideseatingupthedistancebetweenuswithangry,purposefulsteps.Imadeithalfwaybeforesomeoneblockedmypath.
IrecognizedherscentbeforeIsawherface,andmymusclestightenedfurther.
“Alex,”Madelinepurred.“Ihaven’theardfromyouinawhile.”
Herscarletgownmatchedtheglossylipstickcoatingherpoutylips.Blondehairspilledoverhershouldersinsculptedwaves,andIwascloseenoughtoseethefaintoutlineofhernipplesthroughthesilkymaterialofherdress.
Onceuponatime,thatmight’veturnedmeon.Now,shemightaswellbewearingapotatosackforallthereactionheroutfitandseductivesmileelicited.
“I’vebeenbusy.”Isidesteppedher;shemimickedmyactionandblockedmypathagain.
“Younevermadeituptomeforcancelingourdate.”Shetrailedherfingersovermyarm.Itwasalight,practicedtouch,meanttoleavethereceiverwantingmore.
AllIwantedwasforhertogetoutofmyway.
MyeyesstrayedtowardAvaagain,andmyalready-tensemusclesbunchedupfurtheratthesightofColtonbyherside.Howthefuckdidhegetovertheresofast?I’dplayedbasketballwithhimonceincollege;themanwasslowerthanaturtleonmorphine.
“AndIneverwill.”IremovedMadeline’shandfrommyarm.“It’sbeenfun,butit’stimeforustopartways.”
Shockscatteredoverherfacebeforecoalescingintoamaskofstunnedanger.“You’rebreakingup
withme?”
“Inordertobreakup,we’dhavetobedating.”Inoddedatoneofthemenstaringatherass.“Thecongressmanlooksinterested.Whydon’tyougosayhi?”
Redtintedhercreamyskin.“I’mnotaprostitute,”Madelinehissed.“Youcan’tpimpmeouttoanothermanwhenyou’redonewithme.Andwearenotdone.NotuntilIsayso.I’mMadelinefuckingHauss.”
“That’swhereyou’rewrong.We’reallprostitutesinourownways.”Mysmilelackedanysemblanceofwarmth.“I’llgiveyouapassforyourtonetonight,givenourhistory.Butdon’tcontactmeagain,oryou’llfindoutthehardwayhowIearnedmyreputationforbeingruthless.I’mnotaboveruiningwomen.”
Thisconversationwasover.
IleftasputteringMadelinebehindmeandwalkedaway,irritatedbytheinterruptionandfuriousatthesightofwhatawaitedmeinthemiddleofthedancefloor.
AvaandColtonswayedtomusicfromthelivebandtheuniversityhadhiredforthegala.Hishandsrestedonherhips,andIsawtheminchinglowerwitheachpassingsecond.
Iarrivednexttothemrightasshelaughedatsomethinghesaid.Itrangthroughtheairlikesilverbells,andtheticinmyjawpulsedharder.
Hedidn’tdeserveherlaugh.
“Somethingfunny?”Iasked,maskingmyirewithanexpressionofcoolindifference.
SurpriseandwarinessflaredinAva’seyesatthesightofme.
Good.
Sheshouldbewary.Sheshouldbefuckinghome,safeandsound,insteadofdancingwithamanwhorelikeColtonandlettinghimputhishandsalloverher
“Iwasjusttellingherajoke.”Coltonchuckledbutshotmeawarninglookthatsaid,Whyareyoucockblocking,man?
HewasluckyifallIdidwascockblock.Iwastemptedtobreakeveryboneinhishandfortouchingherlikethat.“Youmind?We’reinthemiddleofadance.”
“Actually,it’smyturn.”Imaneuveredmyselfbetweenthemandpulledhimoffherwithalittlemoreforcethannecessary.Coltonflinched.“Youhavetoleavethegalaearly.Businesscalls.”
Hisbrowpinched.“I…”HiseyesrovedbetweenmeandAva,whoseowneyesdidthesamebetweenmeandColton.Realizationdawnedonhisface.Guesshewasn’tsoslowafterall.“Ah,you’reright.Sorry,man.Iforgot.”
“We’llgetlunchoneday,”Isaid.Ididn’tburnbridgesunlessitwasabusinessrivalorIhadto.Seeds.Oaks.
“AtValhalla.”
TheValhallaClubwasthemostexclusiveprivateclubinD.C.Itcappeditsmembershipatonehundredmembers,eachofwhomwasallowedtobringoneguestforamealeachquarter.I’djusthandedColtontheticketofalifetime.
Hiseyeswidened.“Oh,y-yeah,”hestuttered,tryingandfailingtohidetheaweinhisvoice.“I’dlikethat.”
“Goodnight.”Itwasadismissalandawarningrolledintoone.
Coltonscurriedoff,andIturnedmydispleasureonAva.WewerecloseenoughthatIcouldseethewaythelightsfromthechandeliersreflectedinhereyes,liketinystar-beamsstreakingacrossanendlessnight.Herlipsparted,lushandwet,andaninsanedesiretofindoutwhethertheytastedassweetastheylookedgrippedme.
“Youranoffmydancepartner.”Hervoicecameoutbreathierthanusual,andmycockjerkedatthesound.
Igrittedmyteethandtightenedmyholdonheruntilshegasped.“Coltonisnotadancepartner.Heisawomanizerandaslimeball,andit’sinyourbestinteresttostayfar,farawayfromhim.”
Itwouldbeinherbestinteresttostayfarawayfrommetoo,andtheironywasn’tlostonme.IfsheonlyknewwhyI’minD.C…
Butfuckit,Iwasokaywithhypocrisy.Itdidn’tevencrackthetoptenofmyworsttraits.“Youdon’tknowwhat’sinmybestinterest.”Thestar-beamsmorphedintofire,sparkingwithchallenge.“Youdon’tknowmeatall.”
“Isthatso?”Iguidedheracrossthefloor,myskinpricklingfromthestrange,electricchargeintheair.Itwasathousandneedlespiercingmyflesh,searchingforaweakness.Acrack.Adoorway,howevertiny,throughwhichitcouldslipandjumpstartmylong-dead,long-coldheart.
“Yes.Idon’tknowwhatJoshtellsyouaboutme—ifhetellsyouanythingatall—butIassureyou,youhavenoideawhatIwantorwhat’sinmybestinterest.”
Ipaused,causinghertostumbleintomychest.Mythumbandforefingergraspedherchin,forcinghertolookupatme.“Tryme.”
Avablinked,herbreathscomingoutinshort,shallowpuffs.“Myfavoritecolor.”
“Yellow.”
“Myfavoriteicecreamflavor.”
“Mintchocolatechip.”
Herchestroseandfellharder.“Myfavoriteseason.”
“Summer,becauseofthewarmthandsunshineandgreenery.Butsecretly,winterfascinatesyou.”Iloweredmyheaduntilmyownbreathskatedoverherskinandherscentcrawledintomynostrils,druggingme.Turningmyvoiceintoahoarse,sinfulversionofitself.“Itspeakstothedarkestpartsofyoursoul.Themanifestationsofyournightmares.It’severythingyoufear,andforthat,youloveit.Becausethefearmakesyoufeelalive.”
Thebandplayed,andthepeoplearounduswhirledanddanced,butinthisworldwe’dcarvedforourselves,itwassilentsaveforourraggedintakesofbreath.
Avashiveredbeneathmytouch.“Howdoyouknowallthat?”
“It’smyjobtoknowthings.Iobserve.Iwatch.Iremember.”Igaveintomydesire—atinyone—andtracedherlipswithmythumb.Ashudderrolledthroughus,ourbodiessoinsyncwereactedtheexactfuckingwayattheexactfuckingtime.Ibroughtmythumbdownandtightenedmygriponherchin.“Butthoseareshallowquestions,Sunshine.Askmesomethingreal.”
Shestaredupatme,thoseeyesliquidchocolatebeneaththelights.“WhatdoIwant?”
Adangerous,loadedquestion.
Humanswantalotofthings,butineveryheart,therebeatsonetruedesire.Onethingthatshapesoureverythoughtandaction.
Minewasvengeance.Sharp,cruel,bloodthirsty.Ithadbloomedfromthebloodycorpsesofmyfamily’sbodies,inkingitselfintomyskinandsouluntilmysinswerenolongerminebutours.Mineandvengeance’s,twoshadowswalkingthesametwistedpath.
Avawasdifferent.AndI’dknownwhathertruedesirewasthemomentIseteyesonherforthefirsttimeeightyearsago,herfaceshiningandhermouthstretchedintoawarm,welcomesmile.
“Love.”Thewordfloatedbetweenusonasoftgustofair.“Deep,abiding,unconditionallove.Youwantitsomuchyou’rewillingtoliveforit.”Mostpeoplethoughtthebiggestsacrificetheycouldmakewastodieforsomething.Theywerewrong.Thebiggestsacrificesomeonecouldmakewastolive
forsomething—toallowittoconsumeyouandturnyouintoaversionofyourselfyoudidn’trecognize.Deathwasoblivion;lifewasreality,theharshesttruththathadeverexisted.“Youwantitsomuchyou’dsayyestoanything.Believeinanyone.Onemorefavor,onemorekindgesture…andmaybe,justmaybe,they’llgiveyoutheloveyouwantsodesperatelyyou’dwhoreyourselfoutforit.”
Mytoneturnedbiting;theconversationmadeaU-turnandheadedstraightforharshandbrutal.
BecausewhatIadmiredmostaboutAvawasalsowhatIhatedabouther.Darknesscraveslightasmuchasitwantstodestroyit,andhere,inthisballroom,withherinmyarmsandmycockstrainingagainstmyzipper,thathadneverbeenmoreclear.
IhatedhowmuchIwantedher,andIhatedthatshewasn’tsmartenoughtorunawayfrommewhileshestillhadachance.
Thoughlet’sbehonest,itwasalreadytoolate.
Shewasmine.Shejustdidn’tknowityet.
Ihadn’tknownitmyselfuntilIsawherinColton’sarmsandeveryinstinctragedatmetotearheraway.Toclaimwhatbelongedtome.
I’dexpectedhertogrowangryatmywords,tocryorrunaway.Instead,shestaredatme,unflinching,andsaidthemostunbelievablethingI’dheardinalong,longtime.
“Areyoutalkingaboutme,orareyoutalkingaboutyourself?”
Ialmostlaughedatthesheerludicrousnessofthestatement.“Youmusthavemeconfusedwithsomeoneelse,Sunshine.”
“Idon’tthinkIdo.”Avastoodontiptoessoshecouldwhisperinmyear.“Youdon’tfoolmeanymore,AlexVolkov.I’vebeenthinkingaboutit,thewayyounoticedallthosethingsaboutme.Howyouagreedtolookafterme,eventhoughyoucould’vesaidno.HowyoustayedintowatchthosemovieswithmewhenyouthoughtIwasupsetandletmestaythenightinyourbedafterIfellasleep.AndI’vecometoaconclusion.Youwanttheworldtothinkyouhavenoheartwheninreality,youhaveamultilayeredone:aheartofgoldencasedinaheartofice.Andtheonethingallheartsofgoldhaveincommon?Theycravelove.”
Itightenedmygriponher,equalpartsfuriousandturnedonbyherfoolish,stubborngoodness.
“WhatdidItellyouaboutromanticizingme?”
Iwantedher,butitwasn’tasweet,tenderkindofwant.
Itwasadirty,uglywant,taintedbythebloodonmyhandsandadesiretodragheroutofthesunshineandintomynight.
“It’snotromanticizingifit’strue.”
Agrowlslippedoutofmythroat.IallowedmyselftoholdontoherforonemoremomentbeforeIpushedheraway.“Gohome,Ava.Thisisn’ttheplaceforyou.”
“I’llgohomewhenIwanttogohome.”
“Stopbeingdifficult.”
“Stopbeingajerk.”
“IthoughtIhadaheartofgold,”Imocked.“Chooseasideandsticktoit,Sunshine.”
“Evengoldcantarnishifyoudon’ttakecareofit.”Avasteppedback,andItampeddowntheridiculousurgetofollowher.“Ipaidformyticket,andI’mstayinghereuntilIdecideIwanttoleave.Thankyouforthedance.”
Shewalkedaway,leavingmeinfumingsilence.
***
Imade
aconcertedefforttoignoreAvafortherestofthenight,thoughshehoveredinmyperipheralvisionlikeagoldensparkthatwouldn’tgoaway.Luckilyforeverymanintheroom,shedidn’tdancewithanyoneelse;shespentmostofhertimechattingandlaughingwithalumni.
Ispentminegatheringintel—informationaboutcongressmenI’dneedifIwantedtoexpandArcherintoaconglomerate,tidbitsaboutcompetitors,interestingnuggetsaboutfriendsandfoes.
I’djustwrappedupan…enlighteningconversationwiththeheadofamajorconsultingcompanywhenIlostsightofAva.Oneminuteshewasthere;thenext,shewasgone.Shewasstillgonetwentyminuteslater—fartoolongforabathroombreak.
Itwasgettinglate;perhapsshe’dleft.Wehadn’tpartedonthebestnote,butI’dcheckonhertomakesureshegothomesafely.Justincase.
IwasalreadyonmywayoutwhenIheardathumpfromthesmallroombytheballroom,whichservedasanoverflowspaceforguests’bagsandjackets.
“Getoff
me!”
Ifroze,mybloodicingover.Iopenedthedoor,andtheiceeruptedintoscaldingflames.
Ava’ssoon-to-be-deadexLiamhadherpinnedagainstthewallwithherwristsaboveherhead.Theyweresofocusedoneachothertheydidn’tnoticemeenter.
“Youtoldmeyoudidn’thaveanewman,”Liamslurred.“ButIsawyoudancingandwatchinghim.
Youlied,Ava.Whydidyoulie?”
“You’recrazy.”Evenfromhere,Isawhereyesflashingfire.“Letgoofme.Imeanit.Ordoyouwantarepeatoflastweek?”
Lastweek?
Whatthehell
happenedlastweek?
“ButIloveyou.”Hisvoiceturnedplaintive.“Whywon’tyoulovemeback?Itwasonemistake,babe.”Hepressedhisbodyagainsthers,preventingherlegsfrommoving.FirescorchedmyveinsasIstalkedover,myapproachmuffledbytheplushcarpetbeneathmyfeet.“Youdo
stillloveme.Iknowit.”
“I’mgivingyouthreesecondstomove,orIcan’tbeheldaccountableformyactions.”AburstofprideshotthroughmeatAva’sflintytone.Attagirl.
“One…two…three.”
I’djustreachedthemwhenshehead-buttedhim.Ahowlrippedoutofhisthroat;hestumbledback,clutchinghisnose,whichnowgushedblood.
“Youbrokemynose!”hespat.“Youaskedforit,youslut.”Helungedforher,butheonlymadeithalfwaybeforeIclosedmyfistaroundthebackofhisshirtandyankedhimback.
ItwasonlythenthatAvanoticedme.“Alex.What—”
“MindifIjointhefun?”IhauledLiamupbyhiscollar,mylipcurlingatthesightofhiswateringeyesandbleedingnose,andsockedhiminthegut.“That’sforcallingheraslut.”Anotherblowtothejaw.“That’sforholdingheragainstherwill.”Athirdhittohisalready-sufferingnose.“That’sforcheatingonher.”
Icontinuedmyblows,lettingthefirewashovermeuntilLiamwasunconsciousandAvahadtodragmeoffhim.
“Alex,stop.You’llkillhim!”
Iadjustedmyshirtsleeves,breathinghard.“Isthatsupposedtodeterme?”
Icouldgoallnightandnotstopuntilthebastardwasnothingmorethanapileofbloodiedfleshandbrokenbones.Afilmofredtintedmyvision,andmyknuckleswerebruisedfromtheforceofmyblows.
TheimageofhimpinningAvaagainstthewallflashedthroughmymind,andmyangereruptedanew.
“Let’sjustgo.Helearnedhislesson,andifsomeoneseesyou,you’llgetintrouble.”Ava’sfacewasthecolorofporcelain.“Please.”
“Hewouldn’tdaresayanything.”Nevertheless,Irelentedbecauseofhowbadshewastrembling.Despitehertoughnessearlier,Avawasshakenupovertheincident.Plus,shewasright;wewereluckynoonehadstumbledinonusyet.Ididn’tgiveashitiftheydid,buttherewasnoneedtodragoutanalreadyunpleasantevening.
“Weshouldcallanambulance.”SheeyedLiam’sproneformwithunease.“Whatifhe’sseriouslyhurt?”
Ofcourseshestillcaredabouthiswell-beingafterhetriedtofuckingassaulther.Ididn’tknowwhethertolaughindisbelieforshakeher.
“Hewon’tdie.”I’dcontrolledmyhitssotheywerepunishingbutnotfatal.“He’llwakeupwithahelluvabanged-upfaceandacoupleofbrokenribs,buthe’llsurvive.”Unfortunately.
TheworryremainedonAva’sface.“Weshouldcall911anyway.”
Forfuck’ssake.“I’llplaceananonymouscallfromthecar.”Ihadaburnerphoneintheglovecompartment.
Iplacedasteadyinghandonthesmallofherbackasweexitedthehotel.Thankfully,wedidn’tpassanyoneexceptthedoormanalongtheway.“Now.”IpinnedAvawithaglare.“Tellmewhatthehell
happenedbetweenyoutwolastweek.”14
Ava
Hewasfurious.
Hewasalivewithit,pulsingwithit.Onehandclutchedthesteeringwheel,knuckleswhite,whiletheotherrestedonthegearshift,flexingandunflexinglikehewantedtostranglesomeone.Theglowfrompassingstreetlightsilluminatedthebeautifullycarvedplanesofhisfaceaswespeddownthedarkstreets,throwingintosharpreliefthetensesetofhismouthandthewayhisbrowsbunchedoverhiseyes.
WhenItoldhimabouttheincidentwithLiamoutsideTheCrypt,Ialmostdisintegratedfromtheforceofhisfury.
“I’mokay,”Isaid,wrappingmyarmsaroundmytorso.Myvoicesoundedscratchyandunsure.“Really.”
Thatonlymadehimmorefurious.
“Ifyou’dattendedKravMagalessonslikeI’dasked,hewouldn’thavebeenabletocorneryoulikethat.”Alex’svoicewassoft.Deadly.Irememberedhisfacewhenhe’dpoundedLiam’sfaceintoapulp,andashiverskateddownmyspine.Iwasn’tscaredofAlexhurtingme,butthesightofallthatcoiledstrengthunleashedwasunnerving.“Youhavetolearntoprotectyourself.Ifanythinghadhappenedtoyou…”
“Idefendedmyselffine.”Ipressedmylipstogether.Ihadn’tseenLiamatthegala,buttherehadbeensomanypeopleitwould’vebeenimpossibleformetopickhimoutinthecrowd.BridgethadfinagledmeaninvitetotheballsoIcouldconnectwithanalumnuswho’dbeenaWYPfellowafewyearsago.We’dhadagreatconversation,butItiredofthesmalltalkwiththerestofthegala’sguestsandhadbeenonmywayoutwhenLiamcorneredmeinthecoatroom.
He’dbeenhightonight,too.I’dseenitinhisdilatedpupilsandmanicenergy.Heneveruseddrugswhenweweretogether,atleastnotthatIknewof,butwhateverhewason,itmadehimswingbetweenboutsofrageandsadness.
Despitewhathedidandthingshe’dsaid,Icouldn’thelpfeelingsorryforhim.
“Thistime.”Alex’sjawflexed.“Whoknowswhatmighthappenthenexttimeyou’realone?”
Iopenedmymouthtorespond,butbeforeIcouldgetthewordsout,imagesandsoundsslammedintomybrain,renderingmemute.
Ithrewastoneintothelakeandgiggledattheripplesthatspreadoverthesmoothsurface.
Thelakewasmyfavoritepartofourbackyard.Wehadadockthatranouttothemiddleofthewater,andduringthesummers,JoshwouldcannonballoffitwhileDaddyfishedandMommyreadmagazinesandIskippedstones.Joshalwaysteasedmeaboutnotbeingabletoswim,muchlesscannonball.
Iwould,though.Mommysignedmeupforswimminglessons,andIwouldbethebestswimmerintheworld.BetterthanJosh,whothoughthewasthebestateverything.
I’dshowhim.
Mymouthturneddownatthecorners.Therewouldbenomoresummersbythelakesidewithallofus,though.NotsinceDaddymovedoutandtookJoshwithhim.
Imissedthem.Itgotlonelysometimes,especiallysinceMommydidn’tplaywithmelikesheusedto.Allshedidnowwasyellintothephoneandcry.Sometimes,shesatinthekitchenandjuststaredintospace.
Itmademesad.Itriedtocheerherup—IdrewherpicturesandevengaveherBethany,mynicest,bestestdolltoplaywith,butitdidn’twork.Shestillcried.
Todaywasabetterday,though.ItwasourfirsttimeplayingbythelakesinceDaddymovedout,somaybeitmeantshefeltbetter.She’dgoneintothehouseformoresunscreen—shealwaysworriedaboutfrecklesandstufflikethat—butwhenshegotback,Iplannedtoaskhertoplaywithmelikeweusedto
Ipickedupanotherstonefromtheground.Itwassmoothandflat,thetypethatwouldmake
reallyprettyripples.Idrewmyarmbacktothrowit,butIsmelledsomethingflowery—Mommy’sperfume—thatdistractedme
Myaimveeredandthestonethuddedontotheground,butIdidn’tmind.Mommywasback!Wecouldplaynow.
Iturned,smilingabiggap-toothedsmile—myfronttoothfelloutlastweek,andIfoundfivedollarsfromtheToothFairyundermypillowafter,whichwassupercool—butIonlymadeithalfwaybeforeshepushedme.Ipitchedforward—down,down,offtheedgeofthedeck,myscreamswallowedupbythewaterrushingtowardmyface.
Realityyankedmebackintothepresentwithjarringforce.Ibentoverdouble,chestheaving,tearsstreamingdownmyface.WhenhadIstartedcrying?
Itdidn’tmatter.AllthatmatteredwasIwas
crying.Huge,heavingsobs,thekindthatmademynoseallsnottyandmystomachhurt.Thick,saltyrivuletsrandownmycheeksanddrippedoffmychinontothefloor.
MaybeI’dfinallybroken,splitapartfortheworldtosee.I’dalwaysknownIwasn’tnormal,mewithmyforgottenchildhoodandfragmentednightmares,butI’dbeenabletohideitbehindsmilesandlaughter.Untilnow.
MynightmareswereusuallyconfinedtowhenIwassleeping.TheyhadneverconsumedmewhenIwasawake.
MaybetheadrenalinerushfromwhathappenedwithLiamtriggeredsomethinginmybrain.IfIhadtoworryaboutmywakinghoursand
mysleepingones…
Ipressedtheheelsofmypalmstomyeyes.Iwaslosingit.
Acool,stronghandtouchedmyshoulder.
Ijerked,rememberinginarushthatIwasn’talone.Thatsomeoneborewitnesstomysudden,humiliatingbreakdown.Ialsohadn’tnoticedthatAlexhadpulledovertothesideoftheroaduntilnow.
Ifhe’dbeenfuriousbefore,hewascrazednow.Notinapsycho,angryway—well,maybealittle—butmoreinapanickedway.Hiseyeswerewild,thatmuscleinhisjawjumpingsofastithadalifeofhisown.I’dneverseenhimlikethat.Pissed,yes.Annoyed,definitely.Butnotlikethat.
Likehewantedtoburntheworlddownatseeingmehurt.
Myna?veheartsang,cuttingaswathofhopethroughmylingeringpanic.Becausenoonelooksatsomeonelikethatunlesstheycare,andIrealizedthatIwantedAlexVolkovtocare.Verymuch
Iwantedhimtocarebecauseofme,
notbecauseofapromisehe’dmadetomybrother.
Talkaboutaterribletimetocometosucharealization.Iwasafreakingmess,andhe’djustbeatthelivingdaylightsoutofmyex-boyfriend.
Isuckedinashakybreathandwipedthetearsfrommyfacewiththebacksofmyhands.
“Iwilldestroyhim.”Alex’swordsslicedthroughtheairlikelethalbladesofice.GoosebumpsblossomedonmyskinandIshivered,myteethchatteringfromthecold.“Everythinghehasevertouched,everyonehehaseverloved.Iwillruinthemuntilthey’renothingmorethanapileofashesatyourfeet.”
Ishould’vebeenterrifiedbytheleashedviolenceflickeringinthecar,butIfeltoddlysafe.Ialwaysfeltsafearoundhim.
“I’mnotcryingbecauseofLiam.”Itookadeepbreath.“Let’snottalkorthinkabouthimanymore,okay?Let’ssalvagetherestofthenight.Please.”
Ineededtotakemymindoffeverythingthathappenedtonight,orI’dscream.
AfewbeatspassedbeforeAlexrelaxedhisshoulders,thoughhisfaceremainedtight.“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”
“Foodwouldbegood.”I’dbeentoonervoustoeatatthegala,andIwasstarving.“Somethinggreasyandbadforyou.You’renotoneofthosehealthnuts,areyou?”
Hisbodywassocuthelookedlikehesubsistedonleanproteinandgreenshakes.
Disbeliefshadowedhiseyesbeforeheletoutashortlaugh.“No,Sunshine,I’mnotoneofthosehealthnuts.”
Tenminuteslater,wepulledupinfrontofadinerthatlookedlikeitservednothingbut
foodthatwasbadforyou.
Perfect.
Headsswiveledinourdirectionwhenwewalkedintothediner.Icouldn’tblamethem.Itisn’teverydayyouseeaduoinblack-tieenteraroadsidediner.I’dtriedmybesttofixmyselfsoIwaspresentablebeforeIleftthecar,butthere’sonlysomuchagirlcandowithouthermakeupbag.
Somethingwarmandsilkyenvelopedme,andIrealizedAlexhadtakenoffhisjacketanddrapeditovermyshoulders.
“It’scold,”hesaidwhenIshothimaquestioninglook.Heglaredatagroupofguyswhowereoglingme—orrather,mybreasts—fromanearbytable.
Ididn’tprotest.Itwas
cold,andmygowndidn’tcovermuch.
Ialsodidn’tprotestwhenAlexinsistedwesitinthebackandpositionedmeintheboothfacingthewall,soIwasoutoftheotherdiners’sight.
Weplacedourorders,andIshiftedbeneaththeweightofhisstare.
“Tellmewhathappenedinthecar.”Foronce,histonewasgentle,notcommanding.“IfnotLiam,whatmadeyou…”
“Freakout?”Ifiddledwithaloosestrandofhair.Nooneknewaboutmylostmemoriesornightmaresexceptmyfamilyandclosestfriends,butIhadastrangeurgetospillthetruthtoAlex.“Ihada…flashback.OfsomethingthathappenedwhenIwasyoung.”I’dbeenindenialalltheseyears,tellingmyselftheywerefictionalnightmaresinsteadoffragmentedflashbacks,butIcouldn’tlieanylonger.
IswallowedhardbeforeItoldAlex,inhaltingsentences,aboutmypast—orwhatIrememberedofit.Itwasn’tthelightheartedconversationI’denvisionedwhenI’dsuggestedwe“salvagetherestofthenight,”butIfelttentimeslighterbythetimeIfinished.
“Theytoldmeitwasmymom,”Isaid.“Myparentsweregoingthroughanastydivorce,andapparently,mymomhadsomesortofbreakdownandpushedmeintothelake,knowingIcouldn’tswim.Iwould’ve
drownedhadmydadnotcomebytodropoffsomepapersandseenwhathappened.Hesavedme,andmymom’sconditiondeterioratedfurtheruntilshekilledherself.TheytoldmeIwasluckytobealivebut…”Idrewinashudderingbreath.“Sometimes,Idon’tfeellucky.”
Alexhadlistenedpatientlytheentiretime,buthiseyesflickereddangerouslyatmylaststatement.“Don’tsaythat.”
“Iknow.It’ssuperself-pitying,whichisnotwhatIwant.Butwhatyousaidatthegalaearlier?Aboutmecravinglove?You’reright.”Mychinwobbled.Callmecrazy,butsomethingaboutbeingtuckedawaythiscornerofarandomdiner,sittingacrossfromamanwhoIthoughtdidn’tevenlikemeuntilafewhoursago,mademevoicemymostinsidiousthoughts.“Mymomtriedtokillme.Mydadbarelypaysattentiontome.Parentsaresupposedtobethemostlovingforcesintheirchildren’slives,but…”Atearslippeddownmycheek,andmyvoicebroke.“Idon’tknowwhatIdidwrong.MaybeifItriedhardertobeagooddaughter—”
“Stop.”Alex’shandcurledaroundmineonthetable.“Don’tblameyourselfforfucked-upthingsotherpeopledo.”
“Itrynotto,but…”Anothershakybreath.“That’swhyLiamcheatingonmehurtsomuch.Iwasn’treallyinlovewithhim,soIwasn’theartbrokenperse,buthe’syetanotherpersonwhowassupposedtolovemebutdidn’t.”Mychestached.IfIwasn’ttheproblem,whydidthiskeephappeningtome?Itriedtobeagoodperson.Agooddaughter,goodgirlfriend…butnomatterhowhardItried,Ialwaysendeduphurt.
IhadJoshandmyfriends,buttherewasadifferencebetweenplatonicloveandthedeepbondsthatboundapersontotheirparentsandsignificantother.Atleast,therewassupposedtobe.
“Liamisanidiotandanasshole,”Alexsaidflatly.“Ifyouletlesserpeopledetermineyourself-worth,you’llneverreachhigherthantheirlimitedimagination.”Heleanedforward,hisexpressionintense.“Youdon’thavetoworkovertimetogetpeopletoloveyou,Ava.Loveisn’tearned,it’sgiven.”
Myheartrattledinmychest.“Ithoughtyoudidn’tbelieveinlove.”
“Personally?No.Butloveislikemoney.Itsworthisdeterminedbythosewhobelieveinit.Andyouobviouslydo.”
Suchacynical,Alexwaytolookatit,butIappreciatedhisstraightforwardness.
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Forlisteningtomeand…everything.”
Hereleasedmyhand,andIcurleditintoalightfist,mourninghiswarmth
“Ifyoureallywanttothankme,you’lltakeKravMagalessons.”Alexarchedaneyebrow,andIlaughedsoftly,gratefulforthesmallbreak.It’dbeenaheavynight.
“Okay,butyouhavetositforaportraitwithme.”
Theideacametomeonawhim,butthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealizedI’dneverwantedtophotographsomeoneasmuchasIwantedtophotographAlex.IwantedtopeelbackthoselayersandrevealthefireIknewbeatwithinthatcold,beautifulchest.
Alex’snostrilsflared.“You’renegotiatingwithme.”
“Yes.”Iheldmybreath,hoping,praying…
“Fine.Onesession.”
Icouldn’tholdbackmysmile.
Iwasright.AlexVolkovdidhaveamultilayeredheart.15
Ava
Iagonized
fordaysoverwhethertoshootAlexinastudiooroutdoors.
Itookallofmyphotoshootsseriously,butthisonefeltdifferent.Moreintimate.More…life-changing,likeithadthepowertomakeorbreakme,andnotjustbecauseImightsubmititaspartofmyportfoliofortheWYPfellowship.
IwouldhaveAlexVolkovalltomyselffortwohours,andIwouldn’tsquanderasinglesecond.
Ieventuallychosetoshoothiminastudio.Ibookedthespaceintheuniversity’sphotographybuildingandwaited,pulsethumping,forhimtoarrive.
IwasmorenervousthanIshouldbe,butmaybethathadsomethingtodowiththewildlyinappropriatedreamI’dhadlastnight.Onethatfeaturedme,Alex,andpositionsthatwouldmakeanacrobat’sjawdrop.
Evennow,Iflushedatthememory.
Tostaveofftheonslaughtofunbidden,eroticimages,Ifiddledwithmycameraandstaredoutsidethewindow,wherehintsoffallbloomedonthetreesandleavesswirledlazilyonsoftgustsofwind.Red,yellow,orange—fireonair.Aphysicalmarkerofthetransitionfromthehot,halcyondaysofsummertotheicy,bone-chillingbeautyofwinter.
ItwasSeptember,butadifferentkindofwinterwhooshedinonacloudofdeliciousspiceandcoolreserve.
Alexenteredtheroom,cuttingasleek,powerfulfigureinhisall-blackoutfit—blackcoat,blackpants,blackshoes,blackleathergloves.Asharpcontrasttothepalebeautyofhisface.
Myfingerstightenedaroundmycamera.Mycreativesoulsalivated,desperatetocapturethatmysteryandlayitbareonthepage.
I’vefoundthatthequietest,mostreservedpeopleoftenmakethebestportraitsubjectsbecausetheexercisedoesn’trequirethemtospeak;itrequiresthemtofeel.Thosewhobottleuptheiremotionseverydayfeelthestrongestandlovethehardest;thebestphotographersaretheoneswhocancaptureeachdropofemotionasitspillsoutandmolditintosomethingvisceral,relatable.Universal
AlexandIdidn’tgreeteachother.Nowords,notsomuchasanod.
Instead,theairhummedwithsilenceashedivestedhimselfofhiscoatandgloves.Itwasn’tovertlysexual,buteverything
aboutthemanwassexual.Thewayhisstrong,deftfingersslideachbuttonfromitsholewithoutsomuchasapauseorstumble;thewayhisshouldersandarmsflexedbeneathhisshirtashehunghiscoatonthehookbythedoor;thewayhemovedtowardmelikeapantherstalkingitsprey,hiseyesbrightwithscorchingintensity.
Thevelvetytipsofbutterflywingsbrushedmyheart,andIclutchedmycameratighter,willingmyselfnottostepbackortremble.Liquidwarmthpooledinmystomach,andeveryinchofmybodybecameanerveending,hypersensitizedandthrobbingwitharousal.
Hehadn’ttouchedme,andIwasalreadysoturnedonItrembled.Ihadn’tthoughtthatwaspossibleoutsideromancenovelsandmovies.
Thosegreeneyesflared,likeheknewexactlywhathedidtome.Howtightmynippleswerebeneathmythicksweater,howwetIwasbetweenmythighs.HowmuchIwantedtodevourhim,topourmyselfintothecracksofhissoulsohewouldneverbealone.
“Wheredoyouwantme?”GravelraspedhisvoiceforthefirsttimesinceI’dmethim,turningtheclear,authoritativetoneintosomethingdarker.Moresinful.
WheredidIwanthim?Everywhere.Overme.Beneathme.Insideme.
Ilickedmysuddenlydrylips.Alex’sgazedroppedtomymouth,andmyentirebodypulsed.
No.
Iwasn’taschoolgirlonadate.Iwasaprofessional.This
wasprofessional.
Aportraitsessionwithasubject,justlikecountlessothersessionsI’dhadinthepast.
Ofcourse,Ihadn’twantedtothrowanyofmyprevioussubjectsonthefloorandridethemuntilkingdomcome,butthatwasaminordetail.
“Uh,hereisfine,”Icroaked,gesturingtothestoolI’dsetuponaplainwhitebackground.
I’dkepttoday’ssetupsimple.Ididn’twantanythingtodetractfromAlex,notthattheycould.Hispresenceobliteratedeverythingaroundhimuntilhewastheonlythingleftstanding.
HefoldedhimselfgracefullyonthestoolwhileIcheckedmysettingsandsnappedafewtestshots.Evenunposed,hisphotosjumpedoffthescreen,hisgorgeousfeaturesandpiercingeyestailor-madeforthecamera.
Ireignedinmyshamelesslustandspentthenexthourcoaxinghimoutofhisshell,movinghimintovariousposes,andencouraginghimtorelax.
Iwasn’tsureAlexunderstoodthemeaningoftheword.
Thepicturessofarwerebeautiful,buttheylackedemotion.Withoutemotion,abeautifulphotoisjustaphoto.
Iattemptedtoopenhimupwithchitchat,talkingtohimabouteverythingfromtheweathertoJosh’slatestupdatetothatday’snews,butheremainedaloofandguarded.
Itriedadifferenttactic.“Tellmeaboutyourhappiestmemory.”
Alex’slipsthinned.“Ithoughtthiswasaphotoshoot,notatherapysession.”
“Ifitwereatherapysession,I’dbechargingyoufivehundreddollarsanhour,”Iquipped.
“Youhaveaninflatedsenseofyourworthasatherapist.”
“Ifyoucan’taffordme,justsayso.”Isnappedmorepictures.Finally
.Asignoflife.
Theclickandwhiroftheshutterfilledtheair.
“Sweetheart,Icouldgetyouwithasnapofmyfingers,andIwouldn’thavetoshelloutasinglepenny.”
Iloweredmycameraandglaredathim.“Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?”
AtinysmirktuggedatthecornerofAlex’smouth.“Itmeansyouwantme.Youwearyouremotionsalloveryourface.”
Mythighsclenched,andmyskinburneduntilIthoughtI’dcollapseintoapileofashesontheground.
“Nowwho’stheonewithaninflatedsenseofself-worth?”Imanaged,myheartracing.Alexhadneversaidanythingsodirecttomebefore.Heusuallyshutdownanyhintofattractionbetweenus,butherehewas,talkingaboutmewantinghim.
Hewasright,butstill.
Alexleanedforwardandclaspedhishandslooselytogether.Graceful,casualbutalert.Waitingtoluremeintohistrap.
“Tellmeit’snottrue.”
Ilickedmylipsagain,mythroatparched,andhisgazezeroedinonmymouth.ThesmallbutunmistakablemovementbolsteredmyconfidenceandcompelledmetosaysomethingIwould’veneverhadthegutstosayotherwise.“It’strue.”Ialmostsmiledattheflareofsurpriseinhiseyes.Hehadn’texpectedhonesty.“Butyouwantmetoo.Questionis,areyoutooscaredtoadmitit?”
Alex’sthick,darkbrowslowered.“I’mnotscaredofanything.”
Lies.
Iwould’vebelievedhimamonthago,butnowIknewbetter.Everyonefearssomething;it’swhatmakesushuman.AndAlexVolkov—forallhiscontrol,allhispower—wasstillwonderfully,frighteningly,heartbreakinglyhuman.
“Thatdoesn’tanswermyquestion.”Iwalkedovertohim,mycameraswayingfromthestraploopedaroundmyneck.Hedidn’tmoveaninch,notevenwhenIbrushedmyfingersalonghisjaw.“Admityouwantme,too.”
Iwasn’tsurewheremyboldnesscamefrom.Iwasn’tJules.Ialwayswaitedfortheguytoaskmeout—partlyoutoffearofrejection,partlybecauseIwastooshytomakethefirstmove.
ButIhadafeelingifIwaitedforAlex,Imighthavetowaitforever.
Itwastimetotakemattersintomyownhands
“IfIwantedyou,Iwould’vetakenyoualready,”Alexsaidwithlethalsoftness.
“Unlessyou’retooscared.”
Iwasplayingwithfire,butthatwasbetterthanstandingoutinthecoldalone.
IstiffenedwhenAlextrailedhisfingersdownmyneckandovermyshoulder.Hislipscurvedintoasmirk.“Nervous?Ithoughtthiswaswhatyouwanted,”hetaunted.Hishanddippedlower,closertothecurveofmybreast.Theicepoolsinhiseyesmelted,revealingablazinginfernothatheatedmefromheadtotoe.
Myheadspun.Mynipplestightenedintofirmbeads,andmypulsethrobbedthrougheveryinchofmybody.Somehow,itwasworse
thathewasn’ttouchingmewhereIachedmost;theanticipationheightenedmysenses,andmyskintingledwithphantomcaresses.
“That’snotwhatIsaid,”Iwheezed.OhGod,thiswasembarrassing.WhathadIbeenthinking?Iwasn’tafemmefataleora…a…whateverelsewaslikeafemmefatale.
Icouldn’tthinkstraight.
Alexgrazedhisthumbovermybreast,andImoaned.Moaned.
Fromatouchthatlastedlessthantwoseconds.
Iwantedtodie.
Hispupilsdilateduntilthegreeniriseswereeclipsesringedwithjadefire.Hedroppedhishand,andcoolairrushedintoreplacethewarmthofhistouch.
“Finishthephotoshoot,Ava.”Theroughnessofhisvoicescrapedagainstmyskin.
“What?”Iwastooshockedbythesuddenchangeintheatmospheretoprocesshiswords.
“Thephotoshoot.Finishit,”hegrittedout.“Unlessyouwanttostartsomethingyou’renotreadytofinish.”
“I—”Thephotoshoot.Right.
Ibackedawayonunsteadylegsandtriedtorefocusonthetaskathand.Alexsatstraight-backed,hisfacehard,whileIcircledhimandcapturedeveryangleIcouldthinkof.
Thelowhumoftheheaterwastheonlysoundbreakingthesilence.
“Okay.We’redone,”Isaidaftertwentyminutesofexcruciatingquiet.“Thanks—”
Alexstood,grabbedhiscoat,andwalkedoutwithoutanotherword.
“Fordoingthis,”Ifinished,mywordsechoingintheemptyroom.
Iexhaledalong-heldbreath.AlexwasthemostmercurialpersonIknew.Oneminute,hewasgentleandprotective;thenext,hewasclosed-offanddistant.
Iscrolledthroughthephotos,curiousastohowthey’dturnedout.
Oh.Wow.
Alex’semotionsleapedoffthescreenafterour…interaction,andyes,mostofitwasirritation,butirritationonhimlookedbetterthancontentmentonanyoneelse.Thewaytheshadowshitthesharplinesofhisbrows,theglareofhiseyes,thesetofhisjaw…thesewerepossiblythebestphotosI’devertaken.
Ipausedatoneofthelastshots,andmyheartstutteredtoastop.
I’dbeensobusysnappingawayIhadn’tpaidattentioninthemoment,butnowIsawitclearasday.StarkdesirescrawledacrossAlex’sfaceashestaredatme,hiseyesburningthroughthecameraandstraightintomysoul.Itwastheonlyphotowhereheworethatexpression,soitmust’vebeenamomentarysliponhispart.
Astrippingofhismask,ifonlyforafewseconds.
Buthere’sthething:evenafewsecondscanchangesomeone’slife.AndasIturnedoffthecameraandpackedupmyequipmentwithshakyhands,Icouldn’tshakethefeelingthatminehadbeenalteredforever.16
Alex
“It’llbe
overinafewmonths.”Ileanedbackinmychairandrolledmywhiskeyglassinmyhands,watchingdustmitesdanceintheairbeforeme.
“Hmmm.”Myunclerubbedhisjaw,hiseyessharpasheexaminedmethroughthescreen.I’dturnedtheguestroomintomyhomeoffice,asIpreferredtoworkfromhomeonthedaysIdidn’thave
tobeintheoffice.Fewertiresomeinteractionsthatway.“Youdon’tseemexcitedforsomeonewho’sbeenworkingtowardthissinceyouwereten.”
“Excitementisoverrated.AllIcareaboutisthatit’llbedone.”
Despitemywords,mychestpinched,becausemyunclewasright.Ishould
feelexcited.VengeancewassocloseIcouldtasteit,butinsteadofsweetrelief,itcoatedmytonguewithbitternessandturnedmystomachsour.
Whatcameaftervengeance?
EveryotherpurposeIcouldhavepaledincomparisontotheforcethathaddrivenmealltheseyears.It’dheldmetogetherwhileIshatteredontheinside.It’drevivedmeasIlaybleeding,comatoseinapoolofguiltandhorror.It’dcreatedthechessboardonwhichI’dpainstakinglylinedupallthepiecesonebyone,yearoveryearuntilthemomentcameformetotoppletheking.
Ididn’tfearmuch,butIfearedwhatwouldhappenafterIlostmypurpose
“Speakingofdone…”Isetmyglassonthetable.“IassumeyousignedthepapersfortheGruppmanndealtoday.”
Ivansmiled.“Congratulations.You’reonestepclosertoworlddomination.”
Me.BecauseArcherGrouphadalwaysbeenmine.
I’dfundeditsinceptionwithmymoney,andthecompanyhadflourishedundermyguidanceovertheyears.MyfatherhadstartedhisownsuccessfulconstructioncompanyafterimmigratingtotheU.S.,andit’dbeenhisdreamtoseemetakeitoveroneday.Thecompanyhadcollapsedinthewakeofhisdeath—I’dbeentooyoungtopreventitsdemise—butI’dbuiltuponhislegacyandcreatedsomethingnew.Somethingbigger.
Allmyparentshadwantedwasformetogrowuphappyandsuccessful.Whilethe“happy”partmaybeareach,Icoulddamnwellworkonthe“successful”part.
AftermyuncleandIwrappedupourweeklycheck-in,IopenedmyburnerlaptopandpulleduptheencryptedfolderwhereIkeptallthedocumentsdetailingmyenemy’sfinances,businessdealings—bothlegalandillegal—andupcomingcontracts.I’dchippedawayathisempireovertheyears,slowenoughthathethoughthewasjustgoingthroughalongstringofshittyluck.NowIneededjustonemorepieceofevidencebeforeIfelledhimforgood.
Istaredatthescreen,thenumbersblurringbeforemyeyesasIenvisionedmyendgame.Theprospectdidn’texcitemeasmuchasitusedto.
AtleastI’dtakensatisfactioninthefallofLiamBrooks.Afewwell-placedcalls,andhe’dbeenfiredandblacklistedfromeverycompanythatmatteredinthenortheasternUnitedStates.Afewwhispersintherightears,andhe’dlandedonD.C.society’sblacklist.Honestly,I’djustspeduphisinevitablefallfromgrace—accordingtotheinformationmypeopledugup,LiamhadpickedupanastydrughabitandseveralDUIssincegraduating.Itwasonlyamatteroftimebeforehefuckedupathisjoborpissedoffthewrongpeopleonhisown.
Hewasamanwho’dhadeverythinghandedtohimonasilverplatter,andhethrewitawayforatemporaryhigh.ExcusemewhileIcryanonexistentriver.
Thenagain,he’dcheatedonAva,soheclearlylackedthegood-judgmentgene.
Myphonepingedwithasocialmedianotification.Idespisedsocialmedia,butitwastheworld’sbiggestgoldmineofinformation.Itwasamazinghowmuchpersonalinformationpeoplesharedonlinewithlittletonoregardforwhomightbewatching.
Itappedonthenotificationsoitwouldgoawayandaccidentallyclickedintotheapp,whereashakyvideooftwopeoplearguingauto-played.IwasabouttoexitwhenIpaused.Lookedcloser.
Fuck!
ThevideowasstillplayingwhenIleftandspedtowardMadeline’shouse.17
Ava
Ofallthe
waysI’dpicturedmyFridaynightgoing,gettingtrappedinapoolroombyablondewhoeyedmelikeI’dstolenherfavoritePradapursewasn’toneofthem.
“I’msorry,doIknowyou?”IstroveforpolitenessevenasItookastepback.Thewomanlookedfamiliar,butIcouldn’tplacewhereI’dseenherbefore.
“Idon’tbelievewe’vemet.”Hersmilecould’vecutglass.Objectively,shewasoneofthemostbeautifulwomenI’devermet.Withherspun-goldhair,ceruleaneyes,andstatuesquebody,shewaswhatIimaginedAphroditewouldlooklikehadshebeenarealperson.Buttherewassomethinghardaboutherexpressionthatmadehernotattractiveatall.“MadelineHaussofthepetrochemicalHausses.Thisismyhouse.”
“Oh.I’mAva.Chen,”Iaddedwhenshecontinuedstaringatme.“Ofthe,uh,MarylandChens.CanI…helpyou?”Ihopedthatdidn’tcomeoffrude,consideringthiswasherhouse,butIhadn’twantedtoattendthispartyinthefirstplace.Stella,whowasfriendswithwhatmustbeMadeline’ssister,hadpersuadedmetogooutafterIspentthepastfewdaysburiedinschool,work,andmyfellowshipapplication.JulesandBridgetwerebothbusytonight,soitwasonlythetwoofus.
“Iwantedagoodlookatyou,”Madelinepurred.“SinceyoucapturedsomuchofAlex’sattentionduringthegala.”
Thegala.
Ofcourse.ThiswasthewomanI’dseenAlextalkingtowhileIdancedwithColton.I’dtriednottolook,butIcouldn’thelpstaringandcomparingmyselftoherthewholetime.
ToJules’sdismay,I’dnixedthejealousypartofOperationEmotion,butI’dadmittedlyusedColtontomakeAlexjealousatthegala.Itwasstupidandpetty,butColtonhadshownuparoundthesametimeIsawAlexwithMadeline,andI’dbeensoconsumedwithjealousymyselfIwentforit.JudgingbyAlex’sreactionwhenhesawusdancing,ithadworked—alittletoowell,judgingbyMadeline’sglare.
“Ididn’trealizeyouknewAlex,”Ifibbed.Mystomachchurned,andnotbecauseofMadeline’spoisonoustone.
TheHausses’poolroomlookedlikealuxurious,modernRomanbath,allwhitemarbleandgildedcolumns.Thepoolitselfgleamedturquoisebeneathaglassdomethatrevealedthenightskyinallitsglory,andIspottedthecolorfulswirlofmosaicsbeneaththewaterformingtheshapeofamermaid.Butthesmellofchlorineandsightofallthatwater…
Mydinnerroseinmythroat.
TheHausseslivedinagianthouseinBethesda,andStellaandIhadspentthenightroomhopping,enjoyingthedifferentmusicandentertainmentoptionsineachspace.WhileStellalefttofindusfreshdrinks,I’dwanderedintotheroomnexttotheonewe’dbeeninandfoundmyselffacingmyworst,waterynightmare.MadelinehadcorneredmebeforeIcouldleave,andherewewere.
“Oh,IknowAlexvery
well,”Madelinesaid,andIknew,withasickeningdropinmystomach,thatshewasoneofthe“certainwomen”he’dbeeninvolvedwith.Weretheystillinvolved?Wasshetheonehe’dalmostgoneonadatewithbeforeIambushedhimformovienight?
Jealousygnawedatme,almostoverpoweringmynauseafromthechlorine.
“WhatIdon’tgetiswhyhewouldbeinterestedinyou.
”Sheflickedhergazeoverme.“Idoubtyoucankeepupwithhistastesinthebedroom.”
Despitemyself,curiosityreareditsuglyhead.Whattastes?
“You’dbesurprised,”Ibluffed,hopingshe’drevealmoreinformation.
MymindflashedbacktomysexdreamstarringAlex,andmyheartraced.
Madelinesmirked.“Please.Youlooklikethetypewhoexpectstenderkissesandsweetnothingsinbed.Butasyouprobablyknow—”Hersmirkturnedvicious.“Alexdoesn’tdoeitherofthosethings.It’swellknownamongstacertainsegmentofD.C.’sfemalepopulation.Nokissing,noface-to-facecontactduringsex.”Sheloweredherheadsoshecouldwhisperinmyear.“Buthewilltakeyoufrombehind.Chokeandfuckyoutillyouseestars.Callyouthefilthiestnamesandtreatyoulikeaslut.”Shestraightened,hereyesgleamingwithtriumphatmyscarletface.“Somewomenlikethat.You…”Shelookedmeoveragainwithalaugh.“Gobacktoyourbakesales,honey.You’rewayoutofyourleague.”
Mybodythrobbedatherwords,bothoutofangerathercondescensionandstunningarousalatthepictureshe’dpainted.
Wewereattractingattention.Otherpartygoersgatheredaroundus,hungryfordrama.Afewevenhadtheirphonesout,recording.IguessedMadelinewasthedraw,becauseIwasn’twell-knownenoughtobethatinteresting.
“Maybe,”Isaid,matchingtheblonde’shoney-lacedpoison.“Hejustdoesn’tlikelookingatyou
duringsex.Becausehe’sneverhadthatproblemwithme.”
Lies.
Butshedidn’tneedtoknowthat.
IkeptmyheadabovethefraybestIcan,butIcouldplaydirtywhenthesituationcalledforit.
Madeline’ssmiledisappeared.“He’llbesickofyouinaweek.There’sonlysomuchsugaramanlikeAlexcantakebeforehegetsastomachache.”
“Andthere’sonlysomuchbitternesshecantakebeforehekicksittothecurb.”Iraisedmyeyebrows.“Butyoualreadyknowthat,don’tyou?”Iwasn’tsurewheremysasscamefrom,sinceIwasn’tasassyperson,butMadelinebroughtoutallmyclaws.
Ihatedbeingthetypeofgirlwhofoughtwithothergirlsoveraguy,butshe’dattackedmefirst.Iwouldn’tstandhereandletherwalkalloverme.
Madeline’screamyskinflushedwithanger.“Areyoucallingmebitter?”
Walkaway,
mybetterangelsencouragedme.Ialmostdid,untilIpicturedMadelineandAlextogether,andthewordsfelloutofmymouth.“Yes,and?Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?”
Childish.Sofreakin’childish.Butthetauntwasoutthere,andIcouldn’t—
Mymindblankedwhenmybodypitchedbackwardandhitthepoolwithasplash.
She’dpushedme.Intothepool.
Thepool.
Ohgodohgodohgod.
Grotesque,echoinglaughterbrokeout,butitsoundeddimcomparedtotheroaringinmyears.Shockandpanicsuffusedme,freezingmylimbs,andallIcoulddowasstareatMadeline’stwistedsmirkuntilmyfacesankbeneaththewater.
I’mgoingtodie.18
Alex
“Whereisshe?”
IgraspedMadelinebythethroat,resistingtheurgetosqueezeuntilIwipedthesmuglookoffherface.
I’dneverraisedahandtoawomanoutsidethebedroom—andthenonlyiftheyconsented—butIwasthisclosetolosingmyshit.
AfterIsawthevideoofMadelinepushingAvaintothepool,whichIrecognizedfrommypreviousvisitstotheHaussmansion,Ibrokeeveryspeedlimittogethere.BythetimeIarrived,thepartyhadendedandonlyafewstragglersremained.IfoundMadelinelaughingwithhercroniesinthekitchen,butithadonlytakenaglarefrommeforhertoexcuseherselfandfollowmeintothehall.
“Whydon’tyoutightenyourholdalittle?”shepurred.“Youknowyouwantto.”
“I’mnotheretoplaygames.”Iwasholdingontomypatiencebyathread.“Answermyquestion,orHaussIndustriesisover.”
“Youdon’thavethatkindofpower.”
“Don’tunderestimateme,sweetheart.”Itwasn’tanendearment.“Justbecausewe’vefuckedafewtimesdoesn’tmeanyouknowwhat—orwho—Ihaveinmybackpocket.SounlessyouwanttoexplaintodearoldDadwhyregulatorsarebreathingdownhisneckandhispreciouscompanystockistanking,Isuggestyouanswerme.Now.”
Madeline’slipscompressedintoathinline.“Herfriendpulledheroutofthepool,andtheyleft,”shesaid,sullen.“HowwasIsupposedtoknowshecan’tswim?”
Mygriptightened,andmylipscurledintoasneerwhenIsawtheresultingflareofdesireinhereyes.“Prayshe’sallright,orthedownfallofHaussIndustrieswillbetheleastofyourworries,”Isaidsoftly.“Donotcontactorcomenearherormeagain.Understand?”
Madelineliftedherchinindefiance
“Do.You.Understand.”Ipressedmythumbintothesoftfleshofherneck—notenoughtoinjure,butenoughtomakeherflinch.
“Yes,”shechokedout,resentmentcoatinghervoice.
“Good.”Ireleasedherandwalkedaway,keepingmystepscalmwhenallIwantedwastoracetoAva’shouseandcheckifshewasokay.Shehadn’tansweredanyofmycallsandtexts,andwhileIunderstoodwhy,itstillmademenervous.
“Isshereallyworthit?”Madelinecalledafterme.
Ididn’tbotheransweringher.
Yes.
WhenIreachedmycar,Iflooredthegasandnearlymowedoveragroupofdrunkfratboys.MygripstrangledthesteeringwheelasIimaginedhowAvamusthavefeltwhenshefellintothepool—orhowshemustfeelrightnow.
Amixtureofworryandangercoiledinmystomach.FuckwhatItoldMadelineearlier.She’dputahugetargetonherfamily’sback,andIwouldn’trestuntilHaussIndustrieswasnomorethanafootnoteincorporatehistory.
IpulleduptoAva’shouseintimetoseeStellaexiting.Icuttheengineandmadeittothefrontdoorinhalfadozenlongstrides.
“Howisshe?”Idemanded.
WorryetcheditselfonStella’sface.“Shecouldbeworse,giventhecircumstances.Iwasgettingusdrinkswhenshewentintothepoolroom…”Shegnawedonherbottomlip.“Anyway,Ifoundherwhenthatwomanpushedherintothepool.Igotheroutbeforeshepassedoutoranythinglikethat,butshe’sprettyshaken.Julesisn’thomeyet,andIwantedtostaywithher,butshesaidshe’sgoingtosleepandinsistedIleave.”Stella’sbrowsknittogether.“Youshouldcheckonher.Justincase.”
ThatwasabigaskcomingfromStella,wholikedmetheleastoutofAva’sfriends,anditsaidalotaboutAva’scurrentstate.
“I’lltakeitfromhere.”Ibrushedpastherintothelivingroom.
“Howdidyoufindoutwhathappenedsofast?”Stellacalledafterme.
“Online,”wasallIsaid.Imadeamentalnotetocallmytechguyandhavehimscrubeverytraceofthevideoofftheinternet.HewasthesamepersonIreliedontohackintomycompetitors’computersanddigupoffshoreaccounts.Fiveyearsofworkingtogether,andtherehadn’tbeenasingleleakorjobhecouldn’tcomplete.Inreturn,I’dpaidhimenoughmoneyovertheyearsthathecouldbuyaprivateislandoffthecoastofFijiifhewanted.
ItookthestairstwoatatimeuntilIreachedAva’sroom.Thelightspillingthroughthecrackinthedoortoldmeshewasstillawake,despitewhatshe’dtoldStella.
Irappedmyknuckletwiceagainstthewood.“It’sAlex.”
Therewasashortpause.“Comein.”
Avasatinbed,herhairdampandhergazewaryasshetookmein.WorryedgedoutmyangerwhenIsawhowpalehercheekswereandthewaysheshivered,eventhoughtheheatwasonandshe’dtuckedherselfbeneathathickcomforter.
“Isawwhathappened.Somefuckerfilmeditliveonsocial.”Isatontheedgeofthebedandresistedtheinsaneurgetotuckherintomychest.“I’msorry.”
“It’snotyourfault.Don’tblameyourselfforfucked-upthingsotherpeopledo.”
Asmileghostedmymouthasshethrewmywordsbackatme.
“Youhaveterribletasteinwomenthough.”Avasniffled.“Dobetter.”
“MadelineandIareover.Weneverevenstarted.”
“That’snotwhatshetoldme.”
Icockedmyheadatherstifftone.“Areyou…jealous?”Thethoughtpleasedmemorethanitshould’ve.
“No.”Withherscowlandfluffygraytop,shelookedlikeanangrykitten.“Asif.Sowhatifshe’stallandblondeandlookslikeaVictoria’sSecretmodel?She’sahorribleperson.NexttimeIseeher,I’mgoingKravMagaonherass.”
Ibitbackafullsmile.Avahadattendedallofonelesson.It’dbeawhilebeforeshewentanythingonanyone’sass,butherindignationwasadorable
“Shewon’tbebotheringyouagain.”Igrewserious.“Thepool—”
“IthoughtIwasgoingtodie.”
Iflinched,horrorskatingthroughmeatthethought.
“IthoughtIwasgoingtodiebecauseIcan’tswimandIhavethisstupidphobiaandIamsosickofit.
”Avafistedhercovers,hermouthtight.“Ihatefeelinghelplessandoutofcontrolinmyownlife.DoyouknowoneofmybiggestdreamsistotraveltheworldandIcan’tevendothatbecausetheideaofflyingoveranoceanmakesmesick?”Shetookadeep,shakybreath.“Iwanttoseewhat’soutthere.TheEiffelTower,thepyramidsofEgypt,theGreatWallofChina.Iwanttomeetnewpeopleandtrynewthingsandlivelife,butIcan’t.I’mtrapped.WhenIwasinthatpool,thinkingthoseweremylastmoments…IrealizedI’vedonenoneofthethingsIwanttodo.IfIdiedtomorrow,I’ddiewithalifetimeofregrets,andthatterrifiedmeevenmorethanthewater.”Shelookedupatme,herbigbrowneyeswideandvulnerable.“That’swhyIneedyoutodosomethingforme.”
Thistime,Iwastheonewhoswallowedhard.“Whatisit,Sunshine?”
“Ineedyoutoteachmetoswim.”19
Ava
IfIhad
todescribeAlexVolkov,alitanyofwordscametomind.Cold.Beautiful.Ruthless.Genius.
“Patient”wasn’toneofthem.Itwasn’teveninthetopthousand.
Butoverthepastfewweeks,IhadtoadmitImighthavetobumpituponthelist,becausehe’dbeennothingbutpatientasheguidedmethroughaseriesofvisualizationandmeditationexercisestopreparemeformyfirstrealswimmingsession.
Ifyou’dtoldmetwomonthsagothatIwouldbe“visualizing”and“meditating”withAlexfreakin’Volkov,Iwould’velaughedmyassoff,butsometimesrealityisstrangerthanfiction.Andyouknowwhat?Theexerciseshelped.I’dvisualizemyselfstandingnearabodyofwater,thenusedeepbreathingandrelaxationtechniquestocalmmyself.Istartedsmall,withpoolsandponds,andworkedmywayuptolakes.AlexalsostartedtakingmetobodiesofwatersoIcouldgetmorecomfortablenearthem.Ievendippedmytoeintoapool.
Iwasn’tcuredofmyfearofwater,butIcouldthinkaboutitnowwithouthavingapanicattack—mostofthetime.Thethoughtofflyingoveranoceanstillmademesicktomystomach,butwe’dgetthere.
Themostimportantthingwas,Ihadhope.IfIworkedlongandhardenough,thenmaybeoneday,IwouldfinallyconquerthefearthathadhauntedmeforaslongasIcouldremember.
Butthatwasn’ttheonlyseismicchangeinmylife.SomethinghadshiftedinmyrelationshipwithAlex.Hewasnolongerjustmybrother’sbestfriend,butmyfriendtoo,thoughsomeofthethoughtsIhadtowardhimwerelessthanplatonic.WhatI’dfeltduringourphotoshootwasnothingcomparedtothefantasiesrunningthroughmymindnow.
Hewilltakeyoufrombehind.Chokeandfuckyoutillyouseestars.Callyouthefilthiestnamesandtreatyoulikeaslut.
ThatwastheonesnippetfrommyhorribleconversationwithMadelineIcouldn’tforget.EverytimeIthoughtaboutit,mythighsclenchedandwarmthfloodedmylowerbelly.Iwasalsoashamedtoadmitthatyes,I’dmasturbatedtofantasiesofAlexdoing…thosethingstomemorethanonce.
Notthathewould.He’dbeenfrustratinglycomposedsincemypoolincident—noheatedgazes,nolingeringtouches,notraceofthedesireI’dseenonhisfaceinthatphotofromourshoot.
Ihopedthatwouldchangetonight.
“I’mnervous.”Stellacrouchedbehindthecouch;shewassotallshehadtobendallthewaysoherdarkcurlsdidn’tpeekoutfromthetop.“Areyounervous?”
“No,”Ilied.Iwasdefinitelynervous.
ItwasAlex’sbirthday,andIwasthrowinghimasurpriseparty.Therewaseverychancehehatedbothsurprisesandparties,butIfeltcompelledtodosomethingforhim.Besides,nooneshouldbealoneontheirbirthday.I’daskedAlexwhathisplansfortonightwere—notlettingonthatIremembereditwashisbirthday—andhesaidhehadbusinessdocumentstolookover.
Businessdocuments.Onhisbirthday.
Idon’tthinkso.
SinceIdidn’tknowanyofhisfriendsexceptRalph,ourKravMagainstructor,I’dkepttheguestlistsmall.Jules,Stella,Bridget,Booth,andafewotherstudentsfromtheKMAcademyhidinRalph’slivingroom.RalphhadagreedtohosttheshindigandtrickAlexintothinkingitwasacasualHalloweenget-togetherforacademyregulars;heandAlexshouldarriveanyminutenow.
I’dnixedthecostumepartyidea—Alexdidn’tstrikemeasacostumesortofguy—butIhopedthepartyitselfwasagoodidea.Mostpeoplelikedparties,buthewasn’tmostpeople.
Acardoorslammed,andmystomachtightenedwithanticipation.“Shh!They’rehere,”Isaidinaloudwhisper.
Thelingeringmurmursinthedarkroomquieted.
“…helpmesetup,”Ralphsaid,openingthedoorandflippingonthelight.
Wealljumpedout.“Surprise!”
IwishI’dhadmycameraready,becausetheexpressiononAlex’sface?Priceless.Helookedlikeafrozenmannequinexceptforhiseyes,whichmovedfromtheballoonsI’dtiedtovariouspiecesoffurnituretothehandmadeposterspellingoutHappybirthday,Alex!inglitterybluecursivebeforerestingonmyface.
“Happybirthday!”Ichirped,tryingtotampdownmynerves.Icouldn’ttellifhelikedorhatedthesurprise,orifhewasindifferent.ThemanwashardertoreadthanaLatintextbookinthedark.
Noresponse.Alexremainedfrozen.
Julescametotherescue,turningonthemusicandencouragingpeopletoeatandmingle.Whiletherestofthepartyscattered,Iedgedmywaytowardhimandpastedonabrightsmile.
“Fooledyou,huh?”
“Howdidyouknowit’smybirthday?”Alexpeeledoffhisjacketandtosseditoverthebackofthecouch.Atleastthatmeanthewasstaying.
Ishrugged,feelingself-conscious.“You’reJosh’sbestfriend.OfcourseIknow.”
Hefrowned.“You’venevercelebratedmybirthdaybefore.”
“There’safirsttimeforeverything.C’mon.”Ipulledathiswrist.“You’retwenty-seven!Thatmeansyouhavetotaketwenty-sevenshots.”
Hisfrowndeepened.“Absolutelynot.”
“Itwasworthatry.”Igrinned.“Justwantedtoseeifyouweredumbenoughtodoit.”
“Ava,I’magenius.”
“Ahumbleonetoo.”
Alexcrackedasmile.Notabigone,butweweregettingthere.
Ittooksomeeffort,butheeventuallyrelaxedmoreandmorethroughoutthenightuntilhewaseatingandchattingwithpeoplelikeanormalhuman.I’dbakedhimaredvelvetcakesincehelikedredvelvet,andwesang“HappyBirthday”whileheblewoutthecandles.Allnormalstuff.
Hedid,however,refusetoparticipatewhenahalf-drunkRalphbrokeouthiskaraokemachine.
“Comeon!”Iinsisted.“Youdon’thavetobeagood
singer.I’mterrible,butIdoitanyway.It’sallingoodfun.”
Alexshookhishead.“Idon’tdoanythingunlessI’mgoodatit,butdon’tletmestopyou.”
“That’ssilly.Howcanyoubegoodatsomethingunlessyoupractice?”
Hestillwouldn’tbudge,soIsighedandserenadedthepartywithanoff-keysolorenditionofBritneySpears’“OopsIDidItAgain”whiletheycheeredmeon.Alexloungedonthecouch,onearmdrapedovertheback,topfewbuttonsofhisshirtunbuttoned.Alazysmilegracedhisfaceashewatchedmesingmyheartout.
HelookedsogorgeousandateaseIstumbledoverthelyrics,buteveryonegavemeastandingovationanyway.
Thepartywrappedupafewhourslater,andIinsistedonstayingandcleaningupevenafterRalphtoldmehe’dtakecareofit.Everyoneofferedtopitchinaswell,sowesplitintodifferentgroups—garbageduty,sweepingduty,etcetera.
AlexandIsomehowendedupondishdutytogether.Ralphdidn’thaveadishwasher,soIhand-washedwhilehedried.
“Ihopeyouhadagoodtime,”Isaid,scrubbingcaked-onsugarfromaplate.“Sorryifwegaveyouaheartattack.”
Hischucklesentthebutterfliesinmystomachintoatizzy.“Itwouldtakemorethanasurprisepartytogivemeaheartattack.”Hetooktheplatefrommeandwipeditdrybeforesettingitonthedishrack.SeeingAlexdosomethingasdomesticasdishessentanotherflutterthroughmysystem.Ihaveseriousissues.
“Ihadagoodtimethough.”Heclearedhisthroat,hischeekscoloring.“Thiswasmyfirstbirthdaypartysincemyparentsdied.”
Ifroze.Alexhadneverbroughtuphisparentsbefore,butIknewfromJoshthey’ddiedwhenhewasyoung,whichmeanthehadn’thadabirthdaypartyinatleastadecade.
Myheartachedforhim.Notbecauseoftheparty,butbecausehecouldnolongercelebratewithhisfamily.Forthefirsttime,IrealizedhowlonelyAlexmustbewithnorelativesleftintheworldexceptforhisuncle.
“Sowhatdoyouusuallydoonyourbirthday?”Iaskedinasoftvoice.
Heshrugged.“Work.GrabadrinkwithJosh.It’snotabigdeal.Myparentsmadeitabigdeal,butaftertheirdeath,itseemedpointless.”
“Howdid—”IstoppedmyselfbeforeIfinishedthequestion.Aguy’sbirthdaywasnot
therighttimetobringupthemethodofhisfamily’sdeath.
Alexansweredanyway.“Theyweremurdered.”Afterabeatofhesitation,headded,“Myfather’sbusinessrivalorderedthehitandmadeitlooklikeahomeinvasiongonewrong.Myparentshidmerightbeforetheintrudersfoundus,butIsaw…”Histhroatbobbedwithahardswallow.“Isawithappen.Mymom,dad,andlittlesister,whodidn’thideintime.”
Horrorsuffusedmeatthethoughtofsomeonehavingtowitnesstheirownfamily’smurder.“I’msosorry.That’s—Ihavenowords.”
“It’sallright.Atleasttheycaughtthebastardswhopulledthetrigger.”
“Andthebusinessrival?”Iaskedsoftly.
Hiseyetwitched.“Karmawillgethim.”
Myheartweighedheavyinmychestevenbeforesomethingmorehorrifyingoccurredtome.“YourHSAM—”
Alexflashedahumorlesssmile.“Isarealbitch.Irelivethatdayeveryday.SometimesIthinkaboutwhetherIcould’vesavedthem,eventhoughIwasjustakid.IusedtorageattheunfairnessofitalluntilIrealizednoonegivesashit.There’snoentityouttherelisteningtomeyellatthem.There’sonlylifeandluck,andsometimesboththosethingsdealyouacraphand.”
Tearsstungmyeyes.I’dforgottenallaboutthedishes;myhearthurttoomuch.
IsteppedclosertoAlex,whowatchedmeapproachwithatenseexpression.
“Sometimes,butnotallthetime.”Iheardthefaintchatterofotherguestsinthelivingroom,buttheymightaswellbelight-yearsaway.Here,inthekitchen,AlexandIhadenteredourownlittleworld.“There’ssomethingbeautifulwaitingforyou,Alex.Whetheryoufindittomorroworyearsfromnow,Ihopeit’llrestoreyourfaithinlife.Youdeserveallthebeautyandlightintheworld.”
Imeanteveryword.Beneaththeicyshell,hewashumanlikeeveryoneelse,andhisbrokenheartbrokemineahundredfold.
“Thereyougo,romanticizingmeagain.”Alexdidn’tmoveasItookanothersteptowardhim,buthiseyesburnedwithintensity.“It’stoolateforme,Sunshine.Idestroyeverythingbeautifulthatcomesintomylife.”
“Idon’tbelievethat,”Isaid.“Andthatwasn’tromanticizingyou.Thisis.”
BeforeIcouldlosemynerve,Istoodontiptoesandkissedhim.
Itwasasoft,chastekiss,buttheeffectwasthesameasafull-onmakeoutsession.Sparksconsumedmyskin,andtheheatinmystomachflaredtolife.Ishudderedatthesensation,mypulsebeatingsowildlyIcouldn’thearanythingelse.Alex’slipswerecoolandfirm,histastelikethatofspiceandredvelvet,andIwantedtowrapmyselfaroundhimanddevourhimuntileverybitofhimwasinsideme.
Alexremainedstill,hischestrisingandfallingwithharshbreathsbeneathmytentativetouch.Ipressedafirmerhandagainsthischestandranmytonguealongtheseamofhislips,seekingentry—
IgaspedwhenAlexyankedmetowardhimanddeepenedthekiss.Hishandfistedmyhairandtugged,forcingmybacktoarchwhilehistongueplunderedmymouth.
“Nottheromanceyouwerethinkingof,isit?”hegrowled,hisgripsotightmyeyeswatered.He’dspunmearoundsotheedgeofthecounterdugintomyflesh,andheusedhisotherhandtohitchmyleguparoundhiswaist.Histhickerectionpressedagainstmycore,andIgroundagainstitshamelessly,desperateforthefriction.“Tellmetostop,Sunshine.”
“No.”Tellhimtostop?Aherdofwildhorsescouldn’tdragmeaway.
Iinchedmyhandbeneathhisshirt,eagertoexploretheexpanseofsmoothskinandhardmusclesbeneathmyfingers.Myentirebodypulsatedwithneed,andthepossibilityofsomeonewalkinginonusanymomentfurtherheightenedmyarousal.Itwasonlyakiss,butitseemedsomuchmoreillicit.Dangerous.
Alexgroaned.Hismouthclaimedmineagain,andthekissturnedfierce.Wanting.Hungry.Hewasruthlessinhisinvasionofmysenses,histouchsohotandpossessiveitbrandeditselfintomyskin,andIsurrenderedtohimwithoutashredofresistance.
IwasonthevergeofunbucklinghisbeltwhenhepulledawaysoforcefullyIstumbledforward,disorientedbythesuddenlossofcontact.Mycorethrobbed,mynipplescouldcutdiamonds,andmyskinwassosensitiveeventhebrushofaircausedmetotremble.Butwhenthefogofsensationdissipated,IrealizedAlexwasglaringatme.
“Fuck.”Hescrubbedahandoverhisface,hisscowlfierceenoughtomakegrownmenquake.“Fuck,fuck,fuck.
”
“Alex—”
“No.Whatthehellwereyouthinking?”hebitout.“Didyouthinkwewouldfuckinthekitchenwhileyourfriendsareintheotherroom?”
Heatscorchedmycheeks.“IfthisisaboutJosh—”
“It’snotaboutJosh.”Alexpinchedthebridgeofhisnoseandexhaledaslow,controlledbreath.“Notentirely.”
“Thenwhatisit?”Hewantedme.Iknewhedid;Ifeltit,andI’mnotjusttalkingaboutthemassivebulgestraininghispants.Yes,Joshwouldattempttomurderusbothifhefoundoutwhathappened,buthecouldn’tstaymadatusforever.
Besides,hedidn’treturntoD.C.untilChristmas.Wehadtime.
“It’sme.Andyou.Together.Itwon’twork.”Alex’sglareintensified.“Whateverfantasiesyouhaveofusswirlinginthatprettyheadofyours,killthem.Thatkisswasaone-timemistake.It’llneverhappenagain.”
Iwantedtodieofmortification.Iwasn’tsurewhatwould’vebeenworse—Alexnotkissingmebackatall,orhimkissingmebackandsayingthosethings.Iwantedtoargue,butI’dusedupmyboldnessquotafortonight.Ithadtakenahelluvalotformetokisshimfirst,andagirlcanthrowherselfataguyonlysomanytimesbeforeitbecomeshumiliating.
“Fine.”Ipickeduparandomdishinthesinkandscrubbed,unabletolookhimintheeyes.MyfacefeltsohotIthoughtI’dexplode.“Igetit.Let’spretendthatneverhappened.”
“Good.”Alexdidn’tsoundaspleasedasI’dexpected.
Weworkedinsilencesavefortheclankoftheporcelain.
“I’mtryingtosaveyou,Ava,”hesaidoutofnowhere,rightaswefinishedallthedishesandIpreparedtoflee.
“Fromwhat?”Irefusedtolookathim,butIcouldseehimwatchingmeoutofthecornerofmyeye.
“Fromme.”
Ididn’trespond,becausehowwasIsupposedtotellthemandeterminedtosavemethatIdidn’twanttobesaved?20
Alex
Iwasonawarpath,
andeveryonegavemewideberthasIstalkeddownthehalltowardtheelevators.Mynewassistant,whoI’dhiredafterfiringthecongressman’sinsipiddaughterforleakingmycellnumbertotheGruppmannCEO,pretendedtobeonthephonewhenIpassed,andtherestofthestaffkepttheireyesgluedtotheircomputerscreensliketheirlivesdependedonit.
Ididn’tblamethem.I’dbeenbitingpeople’sheadsoffleftandrightforthepastweek.
Incompetent,everysingleoneofthem.
IrefusedtoentertainanyotherreasonI’dbeensocrankysincemybirthday,especiallyifthat“otherreason”happenedtobefive-fivewithblackhairandlipsthattastedsweeterthansin.
Iignoredthetwopeoplewhoscrambledofftheelevatorwhentheysawmeenter,andjabbedthebuttonforthelobby.
Thatfuckingkiss.
It’dtattooeditselfontomymind,andIfoundmyselfthinkingaboutit—aboutthewayAvatastedandfeltinmyarms—farmorethanIshould.Thankstothe“gift”ofmymemory,IrelivedthosefewminutesinRalph’skitchenliketheywererealeverynightintheshower,myfistwrappedtightaroundmycockandmychestburningwithself-loathing.
Ihadn’tseenorheardfromAvasincethatnight.She’dskippedourswimmingprepsessionsthisweek,andIdidn’tevenhearfromherdirectly.JuleswastheonewhotextedsayingAvawasbusy.
HerabsencechafedmorethanIcaredtoadmit.
Igotintomycaranddeliberated.One.Two.Three.Four.
Itappedmyfingersagainstthesteeringwheel,torn,beforeIfinallygrittedmyteethandsettheGPSfortheMcCannGalleryinHazelburg.
Nineteenminuteslater,Istrodeintothegallery,myeyesflittingoverthepalewoodfloors,theframedprintshangingonthestarkwhitewalls,andthehalfdozenwell-dressedpatronswanderingthespacebeforeIzeroedinonthebrunettebehindthecounter.
Avarangupacustomer,herfaceanimatedandhersmilebrightasshesaidsomethingthatcausedthewomantosmileinreturn.Shehadaknackfordoingthat,bringingoutthejoyinothers.
Shehadn’tnoticedmeyet,andforawhile,Isimplywatchedher,lettingherlightcreepintotheshadowedcornersofmysoul.
Oncethecustomerleft,Iwalkedover,mycustom-madeloaferssilentagainstthepolishedfloors.Itwasn’tuntilmyshadowenvelopedherthatAvalookedupwithapolite,professionalsmilethatwiltedthesecondshesawme.
Sheswallowedhard,andthesightofthatsmallthroatbobsentanunwelcomejoltofdesirestraighttomydick.
Ihadn’tfuckedanyoneexceptmyrighthandinmonths,andthecelibacywasaddlingmybrain.
“Hi.”Shesoundedwary.
“Here.”Iplacedabrand-newphone—thelatestmodel,whichwasn’tavailableonthemarketyetandcostmeseveralgrand—onthecounter.
Herbrowknitinconfusion.
“Yourcurrentphoneisclearlybroken,sinceIhaven’treceivedsomuchasatextfromyouinthepastfivedays,”Isaidicily.
Theconfusionlingeredforabeatbeforeitmeltedintoateasingexpression,andmyheartkickedlikeadamnRocketteatRadioCityHall.Imadeamentalnotetodiscussthiswithmydoctorduringmyannualcheckup.
“Youmissme,”shesaid.
Myhandscurledaroundtheedgeofthecounter.“Idonot.”
“YoushowedupatmyworkandboughtmeanewphonebecauseIdidn’ttextyouforafewdays.”Ava’seyesgleamedwithmischief.“Ithinkthatamountstomissingme.”
“Youthinkwrong.Iboughtyouthephoneincaseyouneededanewoneforemergencies.
”
“Inthatcase—”Shepushedtheboxtowardme.“Idon’tneedit.Myphoneworksfine.I’vejustbeenbusy.”
“Doingwhat?Attendingasilentashraminthemiddleofthedesert?”
“That’sformetoknowandforyounevertofindout.”
Aveinthrobbedatmytemple.“Dammit,Ava,thisisn’tfunny.”
“Ineversaiditwas.”Shethrewherhandsintheair.“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.Ikissedyou,youkissedmeback,thenyousaiditwasamistake,andweagreednevertodoitagain.Ithoughtyouwantedspace,andIgaveittoyou.I’mnotoneofthosegirlswhochasesafterguyswhodon’twantthem.”Avapressedherlipstogether.“Iknoweverything’sbeenmessedupbetweenussinceSaturday.Maybeweneedto…notspendasmuchtimetogether.Icandothevisualizationsonmyown,andwhenthetimecomes,Icanfindanotherswiminstructor—”
Mybloodpressurehitarecordhigh.“Thehellyouwill,”Isnapped.“Youaskedme
toteachyouhowtoswim.I’m
theonewhoworkedwithyoualltheseweeks.IfyouthinkI’mgoingtoletsomefuckerswoopinandtakewhat’smine,youdon’tknowmeatall.”Avastaredatme,hereyeswidewithshock.“We’reresuminglessonsthisweekend.Don’teventhink
oftryingtofindsomeoneelse.”
“Fine,noneedtoyell.”
“I’mnot
yelling.”Ineverraisedmyvoice.Period.
“Thenwhyiseveryonestaringatus?”Avawinced.“Shit,includingmymanager.He’slookingrightatus.”Shebusiedherselfwithpapersbehindthecounter.“Ipromiseonlytolearnswimmingwithyou,okay?NowleavebeforeIgetintrouble.”
Iturnedandsawanoldermalewithanunfortunatetoupeegloweringatus.
“Doyougetsalescommission?”IaskedAvawithouttakingmyeyesoffhermanager,whomarchedtowardus,hispaunchjigglingoverhisbeltwitheachstep.
“Yes.Why?”
“I’dliketobuyapiecefromthegallery.”IturnedbacktoAvawhenhermanagerreachedus.Hisnametagread“Fred.”Figured.HewasaFredifIeversawone.“Themostexpensiveoneyouhave.”
Herjawdropped.“Alex,themostexpensivepieceinthegalleryis—”
“Perfectforyourneeds,I’msure,”Fredcutin.He’dlosthisscowlandnowbeamedatmelikeIwasthesecondcomingofJesus.“Ava,whydon’tyouringthisgentlemanupfortheRichardArgusmoonlightpiece?”
Shelookeduneasy.“But—”
“Now.”
Mysmilecutacrossmyfacewiththeprecisionofahonedknife.“Carefulwiththetone,Fred.Avaisyourbestemployee.Youwouldn’twanttoalienateheroranycustomerswhovalueheropinionvery
highly,wouldyou?”
Heblinked,hiseyesdartingaroundashistinybrainstruggledtoprocessthenot-so-subtlethreatbehindmywords.“N-no,ofcoursenot,”Fredstuttered.“Infact,Ava,youstayrightherewiththisgentleman.I’llpackthepiecemyself.”
“Butshe’llgetthecommission.”Iarchedaneyebrow.
“Yes.”Themanagernoddedsofastheresembledabobbleheaddoll.“Ofcourse.”
Whilehescurriedofftoanotherpartofthegallery,Avaleanedinandhissed,“Alex,thepiececosts$40,000.”
“Really?Shit.”
“I’msurewecan—”
“Ithoughtitwasexpensive.”Iallowedmyselfasoftlaughatherstunnedexpression.“It’snotabigdeal.I’llownanewpieceofart,you’llreceiveaheftycommission,andyourmanagerwillkissyourassuntiltheendofdays.Win-win.”
Fredreturnedwithalargeblack-and-whiteprint.
Fifteenminuteslater,theprinthadbeenpackagedwiththesamecareonewouldusetohandleanewbornbaby,andmybankaccountwasfortythousanddollarslighter.
“Thisweekend,ourusualtime,ZHotel,”ItoldAvaafterdismissingFred
Hereyebrowsshotup.WeusuallypracticedatoneofourhousesornearalakeorThayer’spoolsoshecouldgetmorecomfortablenearwater.
“IthasthebestindoorpoolinD.C.,”Iexplained.“You’rereadyforactualswimminglessons.”
She’dbeenreadyforawhile,butI’dwantedtomakesurebeforethrowingherintothedeepend,sotospeak.
Avasuckedinabreath.“Really?”
“Yeah.”Iflashedacrookedsmile.“SeeyouSaturday,Sunshine.”
IleftthegalleryinaremarkablybettermoodthanwhenI’dentered.21
Ava
Thedayhadfinallycome.
Istoodfivefeetawayfromthepool,myskinetchedwithgoosebumpseventhoughthetemperaturehoveredatatoastyeighty-fourdegreesthankstothehotel’sstate-of-the-artheatingsystem.
Iworeaone-pieceEresswimsuit,courtesyofAlex,who’dhandedmetheshoppingbagwithoutawordwhenhepickedmeupforourlessontoday.
Afterweeksoflearningrelaxationtechniquesandacclimatingmyselftothethoughtofbeinginwater,itwastimeformetogetin
thewater.
Iwantedtothrowup.Panicgrippedme,itsicyclawsdiggingintomysweat-slickedskinanddrawinginvisibleblood.Mystomachpumpedinrhythmwithmywildheart,causingmybreakfasttoslosharoundlikerubberducksinabath.
“Breathe.”Alex’scalmvoicesteadiedmesomewhat.“Rememberourlessons.”
“Okay.”Idraggedinalungfulofairandalmostgaggedatthesmellofchlorine.“Icandothis,Icandothis,”Ichanted.
“I’llgoinfirst.”Hesteppedintothepooluntilhewaswaist-deepinthewaterandheldouthishand.
Istaredathim,willingmyfeettomove.
“I’llberighthere.Iwon’tletanythinghappentoyou.”Heradiatedcalmconfidence.“Doyoutrustme?”
Igulped.“Y-yes.”
IrealizedwithastartthatIdid.Onehundredpercent.Alexmaynotbethenicestoreasiestpersontogetalongwith,butItrustedhimwithmylife.Literally.
IedgedtowardthepoolandheldmybreathasIsteppedinandgrabbedhishand,lettinghisstrengthcalmmythunderingnerves.Thewatersloshedaroundmythighs,andIstumbled.
Thehotel’spoolroomspun,thepalebluewallsandterracottatilesflashingbeforemeinablur.OhGod,Ican’tdothis.Ican’t—
“Closeyoureyes.Deepbreaths,”Alexsaid.“That’sit…”
Ididasheinstructed,allowinghisvoicetowashovermeuntilmostofthepanicsubsided.
“Howdoyoufeel?”heasked.
“Better.”Iclearedmythroatandtriedtofocusonthesmallradiusaroundusinsteadoftheentirepool.ItwasastandardOlympic-sizepool,butitmightaswellbetheAtlanticOcean.“I—I’mready.”
AsreadyasI’lleverbe.
Westartedontheshallowend,andAlexhadmewalkaroundsoIcouldgetusedtothefeelingofthewaterandmybody’sbuoyancy.Afterthat,wewentdeeperuntilIwassubmergeduptomyshoulders.IclungtotherelaxationtechniquesI’dlearnedoverthepastfewmonths,andtheyworked—untilwereachedthepartofthelessonwhereIhadtoputmyheadunderwater.
IclosedmyeyesbeforeIdippedmyfacein,unabletobearthesightofthewaterrushingtowardme.
“Help!Mommy,helpme!”
Thewordsechoedinmyhead.
Socold.Sodark.
Icouldn’tbreathe.
Somethingglintedattheedgesofmyconsciousness.Afaintmemory,perhaps,butitfloatedawayeverytimeItriedtograspit.
“Please!”
Isankdeeper.
Deeper.
Deeperstill.
Pleasepleaseplease.
Icantbreathecantbreathecantbreathe.
“Ava!”
Igasped,thesoundofmynamejerkingmebacktothepresent.Myscreamsechoedagainstthestonewallsbeforefadingintooblivion.Iwasn’tsurehowlongI’dbeenunder.Itfeltlikemereseconds,butjudgingbyhowcoldIwasandhowmuchmythroathurt,itmust’vebeenlonger.
Alexclutchedmyarms,hisfacewhite.“Jesus,”hebreathed,pullingmeroughlyintohischestwhileIchokedoutasob.Wewerenolongerinthepool—hemust’vecarriedmeoutduringmyminiblackout.“It’sokay.You’reokay.We’reout.”
“I’msorry.”Iburiedmyfaceinhischest,embarrassedandfuriouswithmyself.“IthoughtIcoulddoit.Ithought—”
“Youdidgreat,”hesaidfirmly.“Thisisyourfirstlesson.There’llbemore,andyou’llgetbettereachtime.”
“Promise?”
“Ipromise.”
Ishuddered,curlingintohiswarmth.Hefeltstrongandsolidbeneathmytouch,andIwasonceagainstruckbythecontradictionthatwasAlexVolkov.Socoldanduncaringtotheworld,yetsowarmandprotectivewhenhewantedtobe.I’dknownhimforeightyears,yetIhadn’tknownhimatall.
Hewasn’tthemanIthoughthewas.Hewassomuchbetter,evenwhenhetriedtoconvincemehewasworse,andIwantedhimlikenothingbefore.Notonlyphysically,butmentallyandemotionally.Iwantedeveryshadowofhissoulandeverypieceofhisbeautiful,multilayeredheart.IwantedtopourintohimeverydropoflightIhadtogiveuntilheconsumedmewhole.UntilIwashis,andhewasmine.
Westayedthere—mecuddledupagainsthischest,himwithhisarmswrappedaroundme—untilmylingeringpanicfadedandIworkedupthecouragetosaywhatIsaidnext.
“Alex…”
“Yes,Sunshine?”Heranagentlehandthroughmyhair.
“Kissme.”
Histouchstilled,andhestiffened.
“Please.”Ilickedmylips.“ForgetaboutJoshor…whateverelsemaybeonyourmind.Ifyouwantme,kissme.Iknowwhatwesaidonyourbirthday,andI’msorryforgoingbackonmyword,butIneed…”You.
“Ineedthis.”
Alexclosedhiseyes,hisexpressionpained.“Youhavenoideawhatyou’reaskingme.”
“Yes,Ido.”Ipressedahandagainsthisabdomen,feelingittremblebeneathmytouch.“Unlessyoudon’twantto.”
Heleftoutahalf-laugh,half-groan.“DoesthisfeellikeIdon’twantto?”Hegraspedmyhandandpulleditdownuntilitrestedonthemostmasculinepartofhim.Mybreathstutteredathissheerheatandsize—obviousevenunderhisswimtrunks—andIcurledmyfingersaroundthethickrod,fascinatedbythepowerIheldinmypalm.
AlowgrowlrumbledoutofAlex’schest.“WhatdidIsayaboutstayingoutoftrouble,Sunshine?Keepdoingthat,andyou’llbeinaworld
oftrouble.”
“MaybeIliketrouble.”Itightenedmygrip,andhehissedoutacurse.“MaybeIwanttostaythere.”
“I’mbeginningtothinkyou’re
thetroubleIneedtostayawayfrom,”hemuttered.Hepinnedmywristtomyside,andajoltofexcitementflashedthroughme.“Butwecan’t.Youjust—”Hegesturedtowardthepoolwithhisfreehand.
“Ijustwhat?Hadapanicattack?IgetthoseallthetimewhenI’mnearwater.Ifthatbothersyou,we’reinahotel.Wecanfindaroom.”ItseemedlikeI’drecoveredalltheboldnessI’dlostafterkissingAlexonhisbirthday.
Hismouthtiltedup.“Whendidyougetsofeisty?”
“WhenIgotsickofeveryonetreatingmelikeI’mafragileflowerwho’llbreakifsomeonebreathesonmethewrongway.JustbecauseIhaveaphobiaoveronespecificthingdoesn’tmeanI’llfreakoutinotherareasofmylife.”Ipaused,thenadded,“Madelinetoldme.Aboutwhatyou—whatyoulikeinbed.”
Hisexpressiondarkened.Theairturnedominous,andmyheartgaveananxiousthud.
“What,exactly,didshetellyou?”Hisvoiceloweredtoadangerousdecibel.
“Shetoldme—”Igulped.“Shetoldmeyouonlydoitfrombehind.Thatyoudon’tlikekissingorface-to-facecontactduringsex.Thatyou…”
“ThatIwhat?”Alexaskedsilkily.
“Thatyoulikechokingandcallingwomennames.Inbed.”ThedangerintheairthickeneduntilIcouldalmosttasteit,andmybravadofaltered.Maybebaitingthetigerwasn’tthebestidea…
“Yetyou’restillhere,askingmetokissyou.”Hisgriponmywristturnedtoiron.“Whyisthat,Sunshine?”
Hehadn’tdeniedit,whichmeantitmustbetrue.
Myheartraced.
“Maybe—”Iwetmylipswithmytongue,consciousofhiseyestrackingthemovementthewayalionwouldagazelle.“Ilikethosethingstoo.”
Flamesburnedawaytheicepoolsinhiseyesuntiltheheatsearedmetomycore.Icouldn’tbelieveI’deverthoughthimcold.Inthatmoment,hewasasupernovawaitingtoeruptandswallowmewhole.
AndI’dloveeverysecond.
Alexreleasedmeandstood,notraceofthepatient,soothingmanfromearliertonightinsight.Initsplacewassomethinghungryanddepravedthatcausedmetotremblewithlust.
“Getup,”hesaid,hisvoicesoftbutsocommandingIobeyedwithoutthinking.“You’reabouttofindoutwhathappenswhenyouinviteyourselfintothelion’sden.”22
Alex
Itdidn’ttakelong
formetosecurethepenthouseandallbutdragAvaintotheluxurioussuite.Iwassofuckinghardmycockalmostpunchedaholethroughmypants,andtheimagesIhadrunningthroughmymind…
Fuck.Iwasgoingtodestroyher,butanyremainingshredofconscienceIpossessedhaddisappearedthemomentshe’dutteredthosewords.
MaybeIlikethosethingstoo.
Mybloodroaredatthememory.
Baby,youhavenoideawhatyougotyourselfinto,
Ithought,shuttingthedoorbehindme
Avastoodinthemiddleofthebedroom,wearingadressoverherswimsuitandahalf-nervousexpression.Withherdoeeyesandinnocentfeatures,sheresembledasacrificialvirginawaitingdefilement.
Mycockthrobbedharder.
“Takeoffyourclothes,”Isaid,mysoftvoiceawhipcrackinthesilence.
Partofmewantedtoburymyselfdeepinsideherassoonaspossible;theotherpartwantedtosavoreverymoment.
Despiteaslightshakeinherhands,Avadidn’thesitate.Shekepthereyestrainedonmineassheunzippedherdressandthegauzymaterialpooledaroundherankles.Theswimsuitwentnext,slidingdowninchbytorturousinchuntilamasterpieceofbaregoldenfleshunveileditself.
Idevouredherwithmyeyes,takingineverydetailandimprintingitinmymind.Herskinglowedbronzebeneaththesuite’sdimlights,andherbody…Christ.Roundass,longlegs,thesweetestlittlepussy,andfirm,perkytits—notbig,butenoughforahandfulandtippedwithhard,rosynipplesthatwereperfectforsuckingandnibbling.
Herchestroseandfellwitheverybreath,andshestaredatmewithnothingbuttrustinthosebig,browneyes.
Oh,Sunshine.Ifyouonlyknew.
Icircledher,apredatortoyingwithitsprey,socloseIcouldsmellthetangofherarousal.
Istoppedbehindherandpressedmybodyagainsthersuntilshecouldfeelmyangry,steel-harderectionagainstthesoftcurveofherass.ShewasnakedasthedayshewasbornwhileIwasfullyclothed,andsomehowthatmadethesceneevenfilthier.
Ipressedmylipstoherneck,enjoyingtherapidflutterofherpulsebeneathmymouth.
“Youwantmetotakeyou,Sunshine?”Imurmured.“Ruinyou,poundyouintoapatheticmess,turnyouintomylittlefuckdoll?”
Awhimperescapedhermouthandshotstraighttomygroin,hardeningmyalreadyachingcock.“Y-yes.”
“Yousayyessoeasily.”Ilickedthehollowbetweenherneckandlowerjaw.Truetomynicknameforher,shetastedlikesunshineandhoney,andIwantedtodevourher.Feedoffherlight,consumeeveryinchofheruntilshewasmineandminealone.“Butdoyouknowwhatitmeanstobetakenbyme?”
Avashookherhead,aquick,smallmovementthatunderscoredherinnocenceandnaivete.
Notformuchlonger.
OnceIgotmyhandsonher,she’dbefilthy.Broken.JustlikeeverythingItouched.Butshe’dbemine.AndIwasselfishandcruelenoughthatI’dtakeherwithmewhileIburneddowntheworld.
“Itmeansyou’remine.Yourmouthismine…”Irubbedmythumboverherbottomlipbeforetrailingitdownherchestandpinchinghernipples.Shemoaned.“Yourbreastsaremine…”Idriftedlower,adjustingmypositionsoIcouldsqueezeherass.Hard.“Yourassismine…”Ireachedaroundandpartedherthighs,slidingmyfingerspastherslipperyfolds.Shewassowettheyweredrenchedwithinseconds.“Andyourpussyismine.Everyinchofyoubelongstome,andifyoueverletanothermantouchyou—”Myotherhandclosedaroundherthroat.“He’llendupinpieces,andyou’llenduptiedtomybedandfuckedineveryholeuntilmynameistheonlyoneyouremember.Doyouunderstand?”
Hercuntclenchedaroundmyfingers.“Yes.”
“Sayit.Whodoyoubelongto?”
“You,”Avawhispered.“Ibelongtoyou.”
“That’sright.”Islippedmyfingersoutofherpussyandthrustthemintohermouth.Ihummedinapprovalwhenshesuckedandlickedherownjuicesoffwithoutmyasking.“Doyoutastethat,Sunshine?That’sthetasteofyousigningyourlifeaway.Becausefromnowon,Iownyou.Body,mind,andsoul.”
Anothermoan,thisoneevenmoreeagerthanthelast.
Ireleasedmyholdonher.“Getonyourknees.”Shesanktothefloor,sobeautifulitmademychesthurtandmycockthrob.Ifistedherhairandtuggeditbackuntilshestaredstraightupatme.“Ifitgetstobetoomuch,tapmythigh.”Whenshenodded,Ituggedherhairharderandordered,“Openyourmouth.”
Islippedtheheadofmycockintoherwaitingmouth,slowlypushingdeeperuntilIwasburiedallthewaydownherthroat.
“Fuck
.”Thesensationofhermouthengulfingmewassohotashudderrippledthroughmyentirebody,andIalmostshotmyloadrightthere.Ihadn’tdonethatsinceIwasateenagerhavingsexforthefirsttime.
Avablinkedupatme,hereyeswateringfrommysizeandhowdeepIwas,butshedidn’ttapout,soIstayedstillwhilesheadjusted.Afterwhatfeltlikeaneternitybutwasinactualityafewseconds,shestartedlickingandsucking—slowlyatfirst,butquicklybuildinguptoarhythmthathadherbobbingherheadupanddownwithenthusiasm
Myotherhandshottothebackofherhead,andmyabsshookfromtheeffortnottocomedownherthroatbeforeIwasready.“That’sit,”Igrowled.“Suckthatcocklikeagoodlittlewhore.”
Thevibrationsfromherensuingmoantraveledallthewayupmyspine.Istartedthrustingintoher,fasterandfasteruntiltheonlysoundswerethatofmyraggedbreaths,fleshslappingagainstflesh,andthegurglescomingfromherthroat.IwassoroughIhalf-expectedhertofinallytapout,butsheneverdid.
Ipulledoutatthelastsecondandcamealloverherfaceandchest,thethickwhitestreakscoatingherskininaglisteningsheen.Myorgasmburnedthroughme,wildandhot,razinganylingeringdoubtsthatstoodinitsway,andIwatchedmycumdripoffAva’schinwithpossessive,lust-filledeyes.
Apalepinkflushofarousalstainedherface,andhergazeremainedlockedtomineashertonguedartedouttolickadropofcumfromthecornerofhermouth.
Holyfuck.
I’dwitnessedorpartakeninjustabouteveryfilthysexactimaginable,butthatsmallmovementmight’vebeenthehottestthingI’deverseen.
“Getonthebed,”Iordered,myvoicethickwithgravel.“Allfours.Now.”
HerhandsandkneesbarelyhadtimetohitthemattressbeforeIstrippedoffmyclothesandcameupbehindher,spreadingherthighswithmyhands.
“Youaresoverywet,mybeautifulwhore.”Ilickedherglisteningjuicesoffherskin,savoringthetasteanddelicatefemalescentthatdroveeverymancrazy.Ipushedafingerinsidehertight,slickfoldsandwasrewardedwithaloudwhimper.“Doyouwantmetoeatoutthisgorgeouscuntofyours?”
“Please,”Avagasped,pushingbackatme.“Ineed—ohGod.”
Shedroppedherhead,hersquealmuffledbythepillowswhenIflattenedmytongueagainstherclit,alternatingbetweenlong,slowlicksandfastflicks.Iwassofuckinghungry—forher,forhertaste,fortheinnocenceshatteringbeneathmeatthisverymoment.Ifeastedonherlikeamanpossessed,myhanddiggingintoherflesh,myfingerscurlinginsideheruntilIfoundthespotthathadherbuckingagainstmyface.Igentlytuggedonherclitwithmyteeth,flickingoverthesensitivenubwithmytongue,andsheexploded,herscreamsreverberatingoffthewalls.
“Youtastesofuckinggood,”Igrowled,lappingupeverydropwhilesheshookandtrembledbeneathmytouch.“Theperfectappetizerfortonight.”
Avatwistedherheadtolookatme,herfaceflushedfromherorgasmandhereyesroundwithshock.“That
wasanappetizer?Ithought—you—”
“Sunshine,thisisatwelve-coursemeal.”Irolledonacondomandslidmyalready-hard-againcockalongherdrenchedfolds.“Andwe’rejustgettingstarted.”
Igrippedherthroatandslammedintoher,andallconversationgroundtoahalt,unlessyoucountedhermoansandmygruntsasconversation.Shefeltlikeheaventomyhell,theclosestI’devergettosalvation,andyetIstillwantedtodragherintothedepthsofHadeswithme.IfuckedhersohardIwasafraidI’dbreakher,buteverytimeIeasedup,Avautteredtinywarninggrowlsthathadmylipscurvinginamixtureofsatisfactionandamusement.
Itturnedoutmysweet,innocentlambwasactuallyadirtylittleslutindisguise,andI’dneverbeenhappiertobewrong.
Iflippedheroverintimetoseehershatteroncemore,herpleasure-glazedeyesandsighsurgingmetogofasteranddeeperuntilI,too,cameapartinapowerfulorgasmthatrippedthroughmewiththeforceofaCategoryFivehurricane.
WhenmybreathingslowedandIcamedownfrommyhigh,IfoundAvastaringupatmewithastrangeexpression.
“Whatisit,Sunshine?”Ibrushedmylipsoverhers,alreadypreparingmyselfforthenextround.IfIwasgoingtohellforthis,Imightaswellenjoyeverysecond.
“Nokissingorface-to-facecontactduringsex,”shemurmured.“Ithoughtthosewereyourrules.”
Ipaused.Shewasright.Thosewere
myrules—onesIcreatedafterIwasoldenoughtorealizeemotionshadnothingtodowithsexandfeelingshadnoplaceinthebedroom.I’dneveroncebrokenthem—untiltonight.AndIhadn’teventhoughtaboutitorrealizedituntilAvaremindedme.Ienjoyedfuckingfromthebackmorethantheaverageman—therewasasenseofremovalthatcamewithit,whichwaswhyitwasmypositionofchoice—butI’dwantedtosee
her.Towatchthewayshereactedtoeachshiftinmovement,toseeherfacewhenshefellapartandscreamedmyname.
AndthatwaswhenIrealizedIwaswellandtrulyfucked.
“You’reright,sweetheart,”Isaid,droppingmyforeheadtoherswitharesignedsigh.So.Fucked.
“Buttherulesdon’tapplytoyou.”23
Ava
Bythetime
AlexandIfinished,Iwasexhaustedandwrungout,andIwouldwakeupsoreashelltomorrow,butIdidn’tcare.Alexhadn’theldback,andthatwaswhatI’dwanted.Needed.
Somehow,inchoosingtoletgo,I’dneverfeltmorepowerful.Strengthinweakness,controlinsubmission.
“Aren’tyoutired?”Iyawned,watchingAlexthroughhalf-droopyeyes.We’dgoneatitforwhatmust’vebeenhours,butwhereasIwasreadytopassout,helookedalertandawakeasever.
“Ifby‘tired’youmeanyouworemeout,perhaps,”hesaidinanuncharacteristicallyteasingtone.“Butifyou’reaskingwhetherI’msleepy,no.”
“Howisthatpossible?”Imumbledintomypillow.
“Insomnia,Sunshine.Isleepafewhoursanight—ifI’mlucky.”
Ifrowned.“Butthat’s…”Anotherhugeyawn.“Notgood.”Humansneedsleep.HowhadAlexsurvivedallthistimeononlyafewhoursanight?“Weshouldfixthat.Chamomiletea.Meditation.Melatonin…”Myvoicedriftedoff.Ifonlymyheaddidn’tfeelsoheavyandthebedweren’tsocomfortable,IcouldmakehimteaorfindaguidedYouTubemeditationorsomething.
“Let’stalkaboutitlater.You’reexhausted.”Hesmoothedahandovermyhead,andIpurredasInestledintohistouch.“Goodnight.”
Mybreathsslowedassleeptookover.IthoughtIfeltanarmwraparoundmywaistandpullmeclose,butIwasoutbeforeIcouldconfirm.
Thatnight,forthefirsttimeinalongtime,Isleptsoundlywithnonightmares.24
Ava
Alex
andIspenttherestoftheweekendlockedinoursuite,subsistingonroomserviceandorgasmsandchristeningeverysurface—thoughI’mnotsure“christening”wastherightwordtouse,consideringhowfilthyouractivitieswere
SexwithAlexwassexlikeI’dneverknownit.Raw.Animalistic.Soul-destroyinginthebestpossibleway.ItshatteredeverypreconceivednotionofwhoIwasandmoldedmeintosomethingdarker,moredepraved.HecalledmeSunshineonemomentandhiswhorethenext.
AndIlovedit.
Evenathiscoldest,Alexhadalwaystreatedmewithrespectoutsidethebedroom,butinsidethebedroom,Iwashistoy.Histofuckanduse—intheshower,pressedagainstthewindow,bentoverthedesk—andIcraveditasmuchashedid.
Iscreamed,mycoreclenchingaroundhiscockforwhatmust’vebeenthethousandthtimeasanotherorgasmrippedthroughandbrokemeintoamillionpiecesofecstaticagony.
Whenthefogofpleasurefinallyfaded,IfoundAlexstaringdownatmewithasmirk.
“What?”Imurmured,toodrowsywithcontenttouttermorewords.
“Ilovewatchingyoucomeapart.”Hishandsgrippedmyhipspossessively.“Onlyforme,Sunshine.Neverforgetthat.”
“WhatwouldyoudoifIdid?”I’dmeantitasatease,butAlex’seyesglitteredwithdangerashisfingersdugintomyflesh.
“You’dhaveaman’smurderonyourhands.Isthatwhatyouwant?”Hegrazedmyskinwithhisnosebeforehesankhisteethintothesideofmyneck—punishingandmarkingmeatthesametime.
Painandpleasureburstthroughme.“Careful,”Ibreathed.“Oryou’llruinyourreputationforunfeelingsex.”
“Nooneelsewillseemethisway.Onlyyou.”
BeforeIcouldreinintheout-of-controlbutterfliesinmystomach,someoneknockedonthedoor.“Whoisthat?”Iasked,stilltryingtowrapmyheadaroundhiswords.Nooneelsewillseemethisway.Onlyyou.
Agrintuggedatmymouth.
“Roomservice.Weordereditbeforeyoucorneredmeandhadyourwaywithme.”AlexrolledoutofbedandlaughedsoftlywhenImockglaredathimfrommypileofwonderful,fluffypillows.
“Forsomeonewithasupposedly‘superior’memory,youseemtohaveforgottenthatyou’re
theonewhowokemeupwithanurgent…issue.”Iarchedaneyebrow,rememberingthesensationofhishandscuppingmybreastsandhiscockrubbingagainstmyassthismorning.
“DidI?”Heflashedalazysmile,andIallbutmeltedintoapileofgoo.IwouldnevertireofAlex’ssmiles.I’msorry,honey,butit’sover,Itoldmypoorheart.Youdon’tbelongtomeanymore.
“Howinconsiderateofme.”
Itwasn’tuntilhebroughtbackourbreakfastthatIrealizedIwasstarving.
Sex
,IdecidedasInibbledonacroissant,ismyfavoriteformofexercise.
Butasincredibleastheweekendhadbeen,wehadtoreturntorealitytomorrow,andtherewerethingswestillneededtodiscuss.
“Alex…”
Hesighedandsethiscoffeedown.“Iknow.”
“WhatwillwetellJosh?”Iwinced,imaginingmybrother’sreaction.Ishouldbuyfull-bodyarmor,justincase
“We’rebothadults.It’sourdecisionwhatwedowithourlives.”Nevertheless,Alexgrimaced.“We’lltellhiminpersonwhenhecomeshomeforChristmas.”
Inodded.Okay,thatgaveusoveramonthtoprepare—thoughIwasn’tsureanythingwouldprepareusfortheshitstormJoshwouldunleashoncehefoundouthisbabysisterandbestfriendweresleepingtogether.Whichbroughtmetomynextquestion…
“So,whatexactlywillwesay?Imean—”Istabbedatastrawberry,hatingmyselfforbringingthisupduringsuchablissfulweekendbutalsoknowingweneededtofigureoutwherewestoodbeforewespiraledintoamessofmisunderstandingsanduncertainty.“Arewefriendswithbenefits?Dating?Exclusiveornon-exclusive?”
Alexgrippedmychinandbroughtmygazetohis.“WhatdidItellyou?You’remine,Sunshine.You’renevertouchinganothermanunlessyouwanthimsixfeetintheground.Soyes,we’refuckingexclusive.”
Wasitbadthathiswordsturnedmeonsomuch?Probably,butIdidn’tcare.“Sameforyouandotherwomen.”Iscowled,rememberingMadeline.“Nomatterhowmuchtheythrowthemselvesatyouor…orlooklikeasupermodel.Howmanywomenhaveyousleptwith,anyway?”
Hisgriploosened,andhisdarkchucklesetofffluttersinmystomach.“Jealous,Sunshine?”hepurred.“Ilikethissideofyou.”
“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.”AlexrolledmeoveruntilIwasbeneathhimagain.“AllthatmattersisI’monlysleepingwithonewomanfromnowon.”
“So,isthatwhatweare?”Igaspedwhenheslidhisrapidlyhardeningcockalongmyalready-wetslit.“Fuckbuddies?”
“Amongotherthings.”Hefishedacondomfromourdwindlingsupply—he’dhadtorunoutyesterdayforabox—andpinnedmywristsabovemyheadbeforethrustingintome.“Youwanttofuck,wefuck.Youwanttodate,wedate.Youwanttocallmeyourboyfriend,I’llcallyoumygirlfriend.Butfornow,letmetakecareofthatneedylittlepussyofyours,hmm?”
Andhedid.
MyshamelessmoanssoakedtheairasAlexpoundedmeintothemattress,histhrustssoroughthebedspringssqueakedandtheheadboardslammedagainstthewall.
Atinglingsensationblossomedatthebaseofmyspine.Ireacheduptoplaywithmynipples,mybreathscomingoutinshortpants.Iwasclose.Soclose
.Iwasgoingto—
Theunwelcomeringofanincomingcallinterruptedourobscenesymphonyofmoansandgrunts,followedbyacoolvoice.
“ThisisAlex.”
Myeyesflewopen.IgapedatAlex,whostareddownatmewithacalmexpressionashelistenedtowhoeverwasontheotherendofthecall.Gonewaspassionate,playfulAlex;initsplacewasthecomposedbusinessmanAlex.
“No,I’mfreetotalk.WhathappenedwiththeWilburdevelopment?”
Freetotalk?Hewasstillinsideme!
Hewasn’tmoving,butIcouldfeeleveryhardinchofhimburiedinbetweenmythighs.
Iopenedmymouthtoprotest,butheshotmeawarninglookandpressedthefingersofhisfreehandintomyhip,silencingme.
“Bastard,”Imouthed.IknewAlexwasambitious,butI’dneverexpectedhimtotakeabusinesscallinthemiddleoffreakin’sex.
Whatwasworse,I’dbeenabouttocome,andIwasleftsquirmingwithneedwhilehediscussedsquarefootageandbuildingplans.
Irolledmyhipsup,desperateforfriction.Hiseyesflaredandhisgriptightenedbeforeheslidoutofme.Hemutedhisendofthecall,placeditonspeaker,andhauledmeoffthebedwithonearmwhilehecarriedhisphoneintheother.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaistwhilethemanontheotherendofthelinedronedonaboutzoninglaws.
Alexdepositedmenexttothecouch.“Bendoverandspreadyourlegs.”
Lustspearedthroughmeathisauthoritativetone.Itrembledbutobeyed,placingmyhandsonthearmrest,archingmyback,andspreadingmylegsuntileveryinchofmewasbaredtohim.
SatisfactioncurledinmystomachwhenIheardhissharpintakeofbreath.
Themanstoppedtalking,andAlexunmutedthelinetoanswerhisquestion.
Icouldseemyreflectioninthelargeglasswindowoppositethecouch.Wantonandflushed,myhairtousledfromoursexmarathonandmybreastshangingheavyandfull.Behindme,Alexstoodproudasasculptedgod,hisfacecarvedwithbrutallustashesqueezedmyass
Mysoftmoanturnedintoasquealwhenheslammedintomehardenoughthatthecouchscrapedforwardaninch.
“Don’tmakeasound,”hewarned.“Thisisanimportantcall.”
Theflamesofdesireburnedhotter.Ishouldbeupsetthathewasonabusinesscallofallthingswhilefuckingme,butIwassoturnedonIcouldn’tseestraight.Therewassomethingsodirtyanddeliciousaboutfuckingwhilehispartnersprattledon,clueless.
Alex’sthrustspickedupasteady,punishingrhythmuntilIwasnolongergrippingthearmrest—Iwasonthecouchitself,myhipsdrapedoverthearm,myfaceburiedinthecushions,myrock-hardnipplesandswollenclitscrapingagainstthefabricashefuckedmesoviciouslymyfeetliftedofftheground
Allthewhile,hecontinuedhiscall,takingitoffmuteonlywhenhehadtospeak.Whenhedid,hisvoiceremainedcalmandeven,thoughIcouldhearhisharshbreathinginthemomentswhenhewassilent.Ihadnocluewhattheyweretalkingaboutanymore,toolostinafogoflusttodecipherspecificwordsandphrases.
Anunbiddenyelperuptedfrommythroatwhenhehitaspotthatcausedmybacktobow.
AlexfistedmyhairandtuggedmyheadbackuntilIwashalf-uprightagainwhilehisotherhandclosedaroundmythroat.Awarningandareminderrolledintoone.Don’tmakeasound.
Itriedmybest.Ireallydid.ButIwasamess—Icouldseeitinthewindow,mytear-streakedfaceandglazedeyes,mymouthhangingslackasorgasmafterorgasmcrashedovermeinanendless,white-hotwaveofsensation.Wasitpossibletodiefromtoomuchpleasure?Ifso,thatwaswhatwashappening.Iwasdyingamilliontinydeaths,eachonerippingmeapartandpiecingmebacktogetheronlyforthenexttodestroymeagain.
Anothersobofpleasure,onethathadAlexreleasingmyhairsohecouldcovermymouthandmufflemywhines.
Onehandovermymouth,onehandaroundmythroat.
Icameagain,myentirebodyshudderingwiththeforceofmyexplosion.
Alexfuckedmeharder,deeper,thecouchscreamingwithprotest—ithadslidhalfwayacrossthefloorbynow,itsprogressimpededonlybythewall—andIrealizeditwasotherwisequiet.
Thecallwasover.
“Ithoughtyouwerebetteratfollowingdirections,Sunshine,”hesaidsilkily.“Didn’tItellyounottomakeasound?”
Irespondedwithanincoherentmumble—myfailedattemptatapologizing.
“Nowords?”Alexslidhishanddownfrommythroattomynipples.Hepinchedthemhard,oneaftertheother,elicitinganotherjumbledmoan.“DidIfuckyourbrainsout,mygorgeousslut?”
ConsideringIcouldn’tevenremembermyname,probably.
Andastheminutes—hours—rolledintoeachother,Ilostmyselfinhim.Inus.
Insweet,filthy,depravedoblivion.25
Ava
Myfriendshadmixed
reactionstoAlex’sandmynewrelationshipstatus.Juleswasecstatic,claimingsheknew
Alexhadathingformeanddemandingtoknowwhathewaslikeinbed.Irefusedtoanswerbutflushedadeepcrimson,andthathadtoldherallsheneededtoknow.IthinkJuleswouldhavediedofdisappointmenthadAlex’sbedroomskillsnotliveduptothepromiseofhisdevastatinglooksandintimidatingpresence.Luckilyforme,theydid.
Stella,meanwhile,wasworried.Happyforme,butworried.Shewarnedmetotakethingsslowandnotfalltoohard,toofast.Ididn’thavethehearttotellherthattrainhadleftthestationagesago.Maybenotthe“toofast”part,asAlexVolkovhadstolenmyheart,bitbybit,overtheyears,evenbeforeIthoughtIlikedhim,butthe“toohard?”Heart,meetfreefall
Bridgetwasneutral.Isupposedprincesseswereinherentlymorediplomatic,whichwaswhyshesaidnothingotherthanifIwashappy,shewashappy.
ThespecterofJoshlingeredinthebackground,andI’dactedsojumpyduringourlastcallhe’ddemandedtoknowwhatwaswrong.ItoldhimIhadperiodcramps,whichshuthimup.Periodssucked,buttheywereausefulweaponforshuttingdownquestionsfrommen.
Todaythough,Ihadanotherfamilymemberonmymind.
IwavedgoodbyetoBridgetandBooth,who’ddrivenmetomyfather’shouse—anhourandahalffromHazelburg—soIdidn’thavetotakethetrainorbus,andunlockedthefrontdoor.Thehousesmelledlikepine-scentedairfreshener,andmysneakerssqueakedagainstthepolishedfloorsasIsearchedformyfather.
ItwashisbirthdayonTuesday.SinceIhadclass,work,and
aphotoshootthatday,I’ddecidedtosurprisehimtodaywithhisfavoritecakefromCrumble&Bake.
Iheardsoundscomingfromtheden,andwhenIenteredtheroom,Ifoundmydadporingoverpapersatthetableinthecorner.
“Hey,Dad.”Islidmybagstrapoffmyshoulderandlettheleathertotethumpontheground.
Heglancedup,surprisescrawledoverhisfacewhenhesawmestandingthere.“Ava.Ididn’tknowyouwerecominghomethisweekend.”
MichaelChenwasnotaconventionallygood-lookingman,butI’dalwaysconsideredhimhandsomethewayalllittlegirlsthoughttheirfatherswerehandsome.Blackhairpepperedwithgrayatthetemples,broadshoulders,andadustingofstubbleonhischin.Heworeastripedpoloshirtandjeans,hiscasualoutfitofchoice,andapairofwire-rimmedglassesrestedonthebridgeofhisnose.
“I’mnot.Well,notthewholeweekend.”Iflashedanawkwardsmile.“Iwantedtodropbyandwishyouahappyearlybirthday.”Iplacedthecakeboxonthetable.“I’msorryJoshandIcan’tbehereonyouractualbirthday,butIbroughtyourfavoritecheesecakefromC&B.”
“Ah.Thankyou.”Hestaredattheboxbutdidn’ttouchit.
Ishiftedmyweightfromfoottofoot,restlessinthesilence.
Wehadneverbeengoodattalkingtoeachother.Luckily,we’dhadJoshtofillourconversationswithchatteraboutmedschool,sports,andhislatestadrenaline-inducingadventure.Skydiving,bungeejumping,ziplining—hediditall.
ButnowJoshwasinCentralAmerica,andIrealizedhowlittlemydadandIhadtosaytoeachother.Whenwasthelasttimewe’dhadareal,one-on-oneconversation?
Probablynotsincehesatmyfourteen-year-oldselfdownandexplainedwhathappenedwithmymother.
“Idon’tunderstand.”Myfacetwistedwithconfusion.“YoutoldmeMomdiedofaheartcondition.”
Ididn’trememberMom.Ididn’trememberanythingbeforeTheBlackoutotherthanbriefmomentsthatflashedthroughmymindatunpredictabletimes—asnippetofalullabysunginahauntingvoice,thesplashofwaterfollowedbyscreamsandlaughs,theburnofascrapedkneeafterIfelloffmybike.Glimpsesintothepastthatweretoosmallandfragmentedtomeananything.
Ofcourse,thereweremynightmares,butItriednottothinkaboutthemexceptintherapy,andonlybecauseIhadto.Phoebe,mytherapist,believeddetanglingmynightmareswasthekeytounlockingmyrepressedmemories.Iwasn’tatrainedpsychiatristlikeher,butsometimesIwantedtosnapbackathermaybeI’dbebetteroff
notremembering.Mybrainhadrepressedthememoriesforareason,andnogoodcouldcomeofunleashingthosehorrorscapesintothepresent.
Othertimes,Iwantedtodigthatkeyoutofmytwistedmindwithmyownhandsandunlockthetruth,onceandforall.
Myfatherbracedhishandsonhiskneesandleanedforwardwithanintensitythatunnervedme.“That’snotentirelytrue,”herumbledinthatdeepvoiceofhis.“Wetoldyouthatbecausewedidn’twanttodistressyou,butPhoebeandIagreedyou’reoldenoughtoknowthetruthnow.”
Mypulsethumpedinwarning.Itknew.Astormwasrollingin,readytorainallovermylifeasIknewit.“Wh-what’sthetruth?”
“Yourmotherdiedofanoverdose.She…tooktoomanypillsoneday,andherheartstopped.”
Funny.Thatwaswhatmyheartdidtoo.Justforabeatortwo,notenoughtokillme.Notlikeit’dkilledmymom
Because“heartstopped”wasjustaeuphemismfor“died,”and“tooktoomanypills”wasjustaeuphemismfor“committedsuicide.”
Mylowerliptrembled.Idugmynailsintomythighuntilcrescentgroovesetchedintomyflesh.“Whywouldshedothat?”
WhywouldsheleavemeandJosh?Didn’tsheloveus?Weren’tweenough?
Parentsweresupposedtobetherefortheirchildren,butshetooktheeasywayoutand
left.
Iknewthatwasunfair,becauseIhadnoideawhatshe’dbeengoingthrough,butthatonlyangeredmemore.NotonlydidInothavemymother,butIalsodidn’tevenhavememoriesofher.Thatwasn’therfault,butIblamedheranyway.
Ifshewerehere,wecould’vemadenewmemories,andtheabsenceoftheoldoneswouldn’tmatterasmuch.
Myfatherrubbedahandoverhisface.“Shedidn’tleavealetter.”
Ofcourseshedidn’t,Ithoughtbitterly.“ButIimagineshefelt…guilty.”
“Aboutwhat?”
Heflinched.
“Aboutwhat,Dad?”Myvoicerose.Mypulsewasroaringnow,soloudIalmostdidn’thearhisanswer.
Almost.
ButIdid,andwhenIregisteredhiswords,tastedthepoisonoftheirtruth,mychestcollapsedonitself.
“Aboutwhathappenedatthelakewhenyouwerefive.Howyoualmostdrowned.Howshepushedyouin.”
Igulpedinadeepbreath,mylungsgreedyfortheoxygen.
Mydadshatteredmyworldthatdayinmybedroom.ThatwaswhyI’dbeensohappywhenIleftforcollege.Ihatedthememoryofthatconversationandthewayhiswordshadsoakedintothewalls.TheywhisperedtomeeverytimeIwalkeddownthehalls,tauntingme,twistingmypastintonewtruths.
Yourownmotherdidn’tloveyou.Yourownmothertriedtokillyou.
Iblinkedbacksuddentearsandpastedasmileonmyface.Thesmileshadgottenmethroughtoughtimes.I’dreadonlinethatthephysicalactofsmiling—evenifyouwereunhappy—couldimproveyourmoodbytrickingyourbrainintoreleasinghappiness-inducinghormones.SoI’dsmiledallthetimeasateenager,andpeopleprobablythoughtIwascrazy,butitwasbetterthansinkingintoadarknesssodeepImight’veneverclawedmywayout.
Andwhensmilingonmyownbecametoohard,Ilookedforotherreasonstobe“happy”likethebeautyofarainbowafterastorm,thesweettasteofaperfectlybakedcookie,orgorgeousphotographsofglitteringcitiesandepiclandscapesaroundtheworld.Ithadworked…forthemostpart.
“…ofthecake?”
Myfather’svoiceshookmeoutofmytripdownmemorylane.
Iblinked.“I’msorry,what?”
Hehitchedaneyebrow.“Doyouwantapieceofthecake?”herepeated.
“Oh,uh,sure.”
Hepickedupthecakebox,andwewalkedsilentlytothekitchen,wherehesilentlycutusslicesandwesilentlychewed.
AwkwardwithacapitalA.
Iwonderedwhereithadgonewrongwithus.MyfatherneverhadissuestalkingandlaughingwithJosh.Whydidheactsoweirdaroundme?AndwhydidIactsoweirdaroundhim?Hewasmydad,
yetI’dneverbeenabletoopenuptohimfully.
HepaidmybillsandfedandshelteredmeuntilIwenttocollege,butJoshhadbeenmyrealsoundingboardovertheyears,theoneIwenttowheneverIwantedtotalkaboutmydayorhadproblems—withschool,friends,ormuchtohisdisgust,boys.
ItwasmorethanthefactthatmydadwasanauthorityfigureandJoshwasclosertomyage.Ihadnotroubleconnectingwithprofessorsandmyfriends’parents.
Itwassomethingelse.SomethingIcouldn’tname.
Butperhapsthat’sjustthenatureofAsianparentsofacertainage.It’snotinourculturetoshowaffectionopenly.Wedidn’tsayIloveyou
orhugallthetimelikeStella’sfamily.Chineseparentsshowtheirlovethroughactions,notwords—workinghardtoprovidefortheirchildren,cookingfood,takingcareoftheirkidswhenthey’resick.
Igrewupnotwantingforanymaterialgoods,andmyfatherpaidmyfulltuitionatThayer,whichwasn’tcheap.Sure,hedisapprovedofmyphotographycareer,andIhadtofundallmyequipmentmyself.Andyeah,heplayedfavoriteswithJosh,probablybecauseheretainedadeep-seatedculturalpreferenceforsonsoverdaughters.Butinthegrandschemeofthings,I’dluckedout.Ishouldbegrateful.
Still,itwouldbegreatifIcouldholdanormalconversationwithmyownfatherwithoutitdevolvingintoawkwardsilence.
Istabbedatmycake,wonderingwhetheranyearlybirthdaysurprisehadeverbeenaspatheticasthisone,whenmyskintingled.
Ilookedup,andthetinglesmorphedintochills.
There.
MaybethatwaswhyI’dneveropeneduptomydad,becausesometimesIcaughthimstaringatmelikethat.
Likehedidn’tknowme.
Likehehatedme.
Likehefearedme.26
Ava
“It’snotsafe.”
Bridgetdrewherselfuptoherfullfivefeet,nineinchesandleveledanicyglareatthedark-hairedmangloweringrightbackather.Ballsy,consideringshewastheprincessandhewasthebodyguard,butRhysLarsenwasn’tBooth.Thatmuchwasclearintheweeksincehe’darrivedinHazelburgtotakeoverBooth’sprotectionduties.
We’dthrownabiggoingawaycelebrationforBoothatTheCryptandsentquickprayersthatBridget’snewbodyguardwouldbeascoolasBooth.
Prayersnotanswered.
Rhyswasgruff,surly,andarrogant.HedroveBridgetmad,whichwasquitesomething,sincesheneverlosthertemper.Inthepastsevendays,however,I’dseenheronthevergeofyelling
.I’dbeensoshockedIalmostdroppedmycamera.
“FallFestisanannualtradition,”shesaidinaregalvoice.“I’veattendedeveryyearforthepastthreeyears,andIdon’tintendtostopnow.”
Rhys’sgrayeyesflickered.HewasalittleyoungerthanBooth—maybeearlythirties,withthickblackhair,eyesthecolorofgunmetal,andabroad,muscledframethattoweredoverBridget’sleggygrace,evenwhensheworeheels.Darkstubbleshadowedhischin,andasmall,jaggedscarslashedacrosshislefteyebrow.Withoutthescar,hewould’vebeendisconcertinglygorgeous;withit,hewasstilldisconcertinglygorgeous,butalsodangerous.Moremenacing.
Goodqualitytohaveinabodyguard,Isupposed.
“It’sacrowdmanagementissue.”Hisvoicerumbledthroughthecar,deepandauthoritative,eventhoughhewastechnicallyBridget’semployee.“Toomanypeople,tooclosequarters.”
Stella,Jules,andIwiselystayedquietwhileBridgetmatchedhimglareforglare.“It’sacollegeevent.There’sboundtobeacrowd,andI’veneverhadissuesbefore.Halfthepeopletheredon’tevenknowwhoIam.”
“Itonlytakesonepersononetime,”Rhyscountered,histoneeven.“OnelookandIknowthefestivalisovermaxcapacity.”
“Thisisridiculous.I’mnotenteringawarzone,andtherearefewerpeoplethanatasportsgame.NooneeversaidIcouldn’tattendoneofthose.
”
“Thesecuritymeasuresandlayoutatsportsgamesare—”
“Enough.”Bridgetheldupahand.“Irefusetostayinmyhouselikeaprincesslockedinatowermysenioryearofcollege.I’mgoing,andyoucaneitherstayinthecarorcomewithme.”Sheopenedthecardoorandexitedwithoutabackwardglance.
Rhys’snostrilsflared,buthefollowedheraheartbeatlater,thosesharpeyesofhisconstantlyroving,searchingfordanger.
Jules,Stella,andIscrambledafterthem.
FallFestwasoneofthemostanticipatedeventsoftheschoolyear.Localbusinessessetupboothshawkingseasonalfoodandproductsdiscountedforstudents—decadenthotchocolateandappleciderdonuts,pumpkinpiesandpulled-porksandwiches.Therewereclassicgamesandactivitieslikebobbingforapples,tarotreadings,and—becausethiswascollege—atailgatewherelocalalumniandstudentsgatheredtodrinktotheirheart’scontent.
Rhyswasright—thereweremorepeoplethanexpectedatthefestival,butitwasnothingcomparedtothespringbreakpartieswe’dattendedinthepast.Iunderstoodwhyhewasconcerned,butIalsoagreedwithBridgethewasoverreactingatiny
bit.
Bridgetignoredhimaswetookadvantageofallthefoodandactivitiesonoffer.FallFestwasanecessarystressrelieverbetweenmidtermsandfinals,andwehadablast—forthemostpart.
“He’sdrivingmecrazy,”Bridgetsaidawhilelaterinalowvoice.Shesippedherhotchocolatewithamoroseexpression.“ImissBooth.”
IglancedovermyshoulderatRhys,whofolloweduswithanimpassiveexpression.Eitherhedidn’thearwhatshesaid,orhehadtheworld’sbestpokerface.
Ibetthelatter.Ihadafeelingtherewasn’tmuch,ifanything,thatRhysLarsendidn’tsee,hear,ornotice.
“It’shisfirstweek.”Stellasnappedapictureofherdrinkbeforetastingit.“Boothhasbeenwithyouforyears.It’sonlynaturalthatRhyswouldbemoreoverprotective.Givehimtime.”
“Isuppose.”Bridgetsighed.“Idon’tknowhowNikdoesit.HehasdoublethesecurityIdobecausehe’sthecrownprince,andthere’ssomuchridingonhisshoulders.”Sheshookherhead.“I’mgladI’msecondinlinetothethrone.”
“Youmeanyoudon’twanttorule,YourMajesty?”Iteased.“Youcouldbeaqueenandseeyourfaceonapostagestamp.”
Bridgetlaughed.“No,thankyou.Astemptingasapostagestampwithmyfaceis,I’dratherhaveamodicumoffreedom.”SheshotadarklookinRhys’sdirection.“Unlessmybodyguardhasotherideas.”
“He’sstrict,butatleasthe’sdelicious,”Julessaidinastagewhisper.“NooffensetoBooth,butwhew.
”Shefannedherself.
“Isthatallyouthinkabout?”Bridgetasked,clearlytornbetweenlaughterandfrustration.
AshadowslidacrossJules’sfacebeforeitdisappeared.“Mostofthetime.Iliketothinkaboutpleasantthings.Speakingofwhich…”Sheturnedtome.“Where’sLoverBoy?”
Irolledmyeyes,ablushspreadingovermycheeks.“Don’tcallhimthat,andhe’sbusyrunningacompany.Hedoesn’thavetimeforcollegeevents.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”Stellatiltedherchinatsomethingbehindme.
Iwhippedaround,myheartjumpinginmythroatwhenIsawAlexstandingbehindme.Inhisnavycashmeresweaterandjeans,hecutasophisticatedfigureamongstthecrowdsofdrunkcollegestudentsandrumpledprofessors.
Icouldn’thelpit—Iranandthrewmyarmsaroundhim.“Ithoughtyouhadwork!”
“Itookoffearly.”Hepressedakisstomylips,andIsighedwithpleasure.“ImissFallFest.”
“Uh-huh.I’msurethat’s
whatyoumiss,”Julesteased.
Myfriendsstaredatuswithfascination,andIrealizedthiswasthefirsttimethey’dseenustogetherasa…couple?Iwasn’tsurewhattocallourrelationship.“Couple”soundedtoomundane,butIguessedthatwaswhatwewere.
Wewentondates,talkedthroughthenight,andhadwild,explosivesex.AlexVolkovandIwereacouple.
Thebutterfliesinmystomachquiveredwithexcitement.
AlexstayedwithusthroughtheendofFallFest.Hedeclinedtoplaymostofthefestivalgames,butweconvincedhimtotakepicturesatthepumpkin-themedphotobooth.
“Doyourealizethesearethefirstphotoswehaveofthetwoofus?”IwavedthePolaroidsintriumph.“Ifyoudon’thangtheminyourlivingroom,I’llbeoffended.”
“Idon’tknow.Youdon’tmatchmydecor,”hesaidinablandtone.
Iswattedhimonthearm,earningmyselfararelaugh.Stellanearlychokedonherhotcocoa,shewassoshocked.
Itwastheperfectafternoon:greatfood,greatweather,greatcompany.TheonlyhiccupoccurredwhenAlexnickedhimselfonsomethingsharpatoneofthebooths.Thecutwasdeepenoughthatbloodwelledandstreakeddownhisfinger.
“It’sfine,”hesaid.“It’sjustascratch.”
“You’rebleeding.”Iplantedmyhandsonmyhips.“Wehavetocleanandbandageit.Let’sgo.”Mytonebrookednoopposition.
Nowayinhellwashewalkingaroundwithblooddrippingdownhishand.Whatifitgotinfected?
Alex’smouthquirkedup.“Yes,ma’am.”
Ihuffedathisamusement—hewasbleeding
—anddraggedhimtothecampushealthcenter,wherethebored-lookingstudentassistantsupplieduswithagauzepadandBand-Aid.
Irinsedthecutunderrunningtapwaterinthebathroomanddabbedatitwiththegauze.“Holdstill.”ItossedthegauzeinthetrashandpeeledopentheBand-Aid.“Youshould’vebeenmorecareful,”Igrumbled.“You’reluckyyouweren’tseriouslyhurt.Whatthehellwereyouthinking?”
IlookedupandfoundAlexstaringatmewithasmallsmile.
“What?”
“You’recutewhenyou’reworried.”
Ipressedmylipstogether,strugglingtocontainmysmile.“Don’ttrytoactallsweetsoyoucangetoutoftrouble.”
“AmIintrouble?”hedrawled.Hekickedthedoorshutwithhisfootandlockeditwithhisfreehand.
Mypulseratchetedupanotch.“Yes.”
“YouthinkI’mactingsweet?”
Igaveatinynod.
Alexheftedmeupontothesink.“Webetterremedyboththosethings,shouldn’twe?”
Myteethdugintomybottomlipasheshovedmydressupovermychestandgrazedhisteethovermynipplesthroughthethinlaceofmybra.
“Alex,we’reinthestudenthealthcenter,”Isqueaked,wantinghimtobothstopandkeepgoing.EveryonewasatFallFestsothecenterwasn’tbusy,butthereceptionistsatafewfeetawayoutsidethedoorandtheflimsywallswereanythingbut
soundproof.
“I’maware.”Hepulledmybraasidewithhisteethandlavishedattentiononmybreastswhilehisnon-bandagedhandfoundthesweetspotbetweenmylegs.Iwasalreadysoakedforhim,mythighsslickwithmyjuicesashedrovemecrazywithhismouthandfingers.Hiserectionpressedagainstmyleg,thickandhardasasteelpipe,butwhenIreachedforit,hebattedmyhandaway.
“Ihopeyou’renotattachedtoyourunderwear,”hesaid.
Mybrowsdrewtogether.“Wha—”Thesoundoffabrictearingansweredmyincompletequestion.
Alex’smouthcurledintoaslygrinatmyshockedexpression.“Sincewe’veestablishedthatyou’reascreamer,”hesaid.“Openyourmouth.”
Myresistancecollapsed.
Iopenedmymouth,andheshovedmyunderwearin,mufflingmymoan.IshiveredwhenItastedtheslicknessofmyarousal.
Iwasthrobbingnow,soturnedonIcouldn’tseestraight.Therewassomethingsofreakin’eroticaboutknowingsomeonecouldcatchusanyminute.
Alexreturnedhisattentiontomybreastswhileheslidonefinger,thentwo,intomyslipperyfolds.Igrippedhishair,tuggingsoharditmust’vehurtasheworkedmeintoafrenzy,butifitdid,hedidn’tshowit.
Heliftedhisheadfrommychestandwatchedmewithsmolderingeyes.“That’sit,Sunshine,”hemurmured,hismusclestautashefingerfuckedmeharder.Hewasknucklesdeepinsidemenow,theobscenesoundsofhimslidinginandoutofmydrenchedcorecreatingadirtysymphonythatintensifiedmyarousal.Irodehishandshamelessly,droolleakingfromthecornersofmymouthasIscreamedaroundmymakeshiftgag.“Comeformelikealittleslut.”
Idid.Hard,fast,andendlessly,flyinghighinanexplosionofstarrybliss.
WhenIfinallycamedown,Isawthathehadunbuttonedhispantsandwasfistinghiscock.Itdidn’ttakelongbeforeheerupted,spurtingthick,hotjetsallovermythighs.
“No,”hesaidwhenIreachedtocleanmyself.Hepulledmyshreddedpantiesoutofmymouthandpocketedthem,hismovementscrispandprecise.“Iwantyoutowalkaroundwithmycumonyousoyouknowexactlywhoyoubelongto.”
Heatblisteredmycheeks.“Alex,”Ihissed.“Ican’twalkouttherewithnounderwearand…and—”
“Youcan,andyouwill.”Hisfingersbrushedmythighs,wherethecumwasalreadydrying.“Thefasteryouobey,thefasterwecanleaveandgohome,whereyoucanshower.Withhelp,”headdedwithawickedsmile.
“You’recrazy.”ButIdidasheasked,pullingmysweaterdressdownandfixingmyhair.Icouldn’tlookthereceptionistintheeyeaswewalkedout.Sheprobablyknewwhatwe’ddone,becauseitdidn’ttakethat
longtobandageawound.
ThewindbrushedagainstmybarenessaswerejoinedourfriendsandIjumped,earningmyselfasmirkfromAlexandstrangelooksfromeveryoneelse.
“Areyouokay?”Stellaasked.“Youlookflushed.”
“Yes,”Isqueaked.“Just,ah,abitchilly.”Whiletheothersgotdistractedbythestartofthepie-eatingcontest,IslappedAlex’sarm.“You’llpayforthis.”
“Lookingforwardtoit.”
Irolledmyeyes,butIcouldn’tstaymadathim,especiallysincepartofmelovedhowdirtyIfeltwalkingaroundlikethis.
“Ihaveaseriousquestion,”Isaidaswewatchedtwoseniorsdestroytheirpumpkinpies.“WhatareyoudoingforThanksgiving?”
“IimagineI’llbeeatingturkeysomewhere,”hesaidcasually.
“Doyou…wanttocometomyplacefortheweekend?Sinceyouruncledoesn’tcelebrateandall.Notthatyouhaveto,”Iaddedquickly.
“Sunshine,I’vespenteveryThanksgivingwithyourfamilyforthepasteightyears.”
“Iknow,butJoshisn’therethisyear,andIdidn’twanttoassume.Imean,meetingthedad…”
Alex’seyesgleamedwithlaughter.“I’vealreadymetyourdad.”
“Right.But…”Ifaltered.“Iguessitdoesn’tmatter.Wecan’ttellhimwe’redatinguntilwetellJosh,butwoulditbesuspiciousifweshowuptogether?Parentshaveaweirdlie-detectingradar.Whatifhe—”
“Ava.”Heplacedhishandsonmyshoulders.“DoyouwantmetospendThanksgivingwithyou?”
Inodded.
“Thenthat’swhatI’mdoing.Don’toverthinkit.”
“SaystheKingofOverthinking,”Imuttered,butIwassmiling.27
Ava
Everyyear,
myfamilycelebratedThanksgivingwithaChinesetwist.Insteadofturkeyandmashedpotatoes,weateroastduck,rice,dumplings,andfishcakesoup.Food-wise,thisyearwasthesame,butwithoutJosh,thedinnerhadbeentwohoursofsilenceandawkwardness.Alexandmydadheldafewbriefconversationsaboutfootballandwork,andthatwasit.Ithinkmydadwasstressedaboutsomethingathisoffice.Heseemedmoreirritatedthanusual.
Ialsosuspectedmydaddidn’tlikeAlexmuch.Itwasasurprise,consideringhehadasoftspotforsmart,accomplishedpeople,andAlexwasassmartandaccomplishedastheycame.I’dalwayschalkedituptothefactthatAlexdidn’tkissassasmuchasChineseparentsliked—hewasn’toneforflatteringwords.Plus,IwasninetypercentsuremydadknewsomethingwasupwithmeandAlex,thoughhedidn’tsayanything.
“Heknows,”Iwhisperedwhenmydadexcusedhimselftousetherestroom.“Iswear,heknows
.”
“No,hedoesn’t.Evenifhedoes,hehasnoproof,andhewon’tsayanythingtoJosh,”Alexsaid.“Relax.It’ssupposedtobeyourweekendoff.”
“There’snosuchthingasaweekendoffforstudents.”
Itmayhavebeenaholiday,butIhadtostudyforfinalsandfinishmyfellowshipapplication.Itwasalldoneexceptforafewparagraphsofmypersonalstatement.I’dincludedthephotosItookofAlexinmyportfolio,thoughIhaven’ttoldhimyet.Theyweresomeofmybestwork,butIdidn’twanttosayanythinguntilIheardfromtheWYPcommittee.Ididn’twanttojinxit.
“It’stoobadwe’renotsleepinginthesameroom.”Alex’seyesglinted.“Icouldhelprelieveyourstress.”
Ilaughed.“Isthatallyouthinkabout?”
ExceptIwasn’tmuchbetter.IwantedtosleepinthesameroomasAlextoo—especiallyhere,inthishouse,wherethenightmareswerealwaysdarker.Butsincemydaddidn’tknowaboutourrelationship,Alexwasstayingintheguestroom.
“OnlywhenI’maroundyou.”Whilemydadseemedmorestressed,Alexwasmorerelaxedthesedays.Smiling,laughing…heevenmadetheoccasionaljoke.IlikedtothinkIhadapartinlooseninghimup.IwasstilltakingKravMagalessonswithRalph,andAlexwasstillgivingmeswimlessons—IpanickedwaylessnowthanIdidatthebeginning—andaftereverythinghe’dhelpedmewith,Iwantedtohelphimtoo.Hecameoffinvincibleandunflappable,buteverybody,nomatterhowstrong,needsalittlecareandattentionoftheirown.
“AlexVolkov,whendidyoubecomesocheesy?”Iteased.
Heleftoutaplayfulgrowlandreachedformerightasmyfatherreenteredthediningroom.Wesoberedandmaintainedasafedistancebetweenustherestofthenight,butmydad’sraisedeyebrowsconfirmedmysuspicions.Heknew
***
Icouldn’tbreathe.
Thehandtightenedaroundmyneck,andIthrashedmyarmsandlegs,desperatetothrowitoff.
“Stop,”Itriedtosay.“Pleasestop.”
ButIcouldn’t.Thehandwastootight.
Tearsblurredmyvision.Snotrandownmynose.
Iwasdying.Dying…dying…
Iawokewithagasp.Mysweat-drenchedsheetsslidoffmybody,andIlookedaroundwildly,certainI’dfindanintruderinmyroom.Deepshadowsskulkedinthecorners,andtheeerie,palebluehuesoftwilightfilteredthroughthewhitelacecurtainsflutteringinthewindow.
Buttherewasnointruder.
“Itwasadream,”Iwhispered,myvoiceagunshotinthesilence.“Itwasjustadream.”
AdifferentonefromtheonesIusuallyhad.Iwasn’tunderwater.Ididn’tscream.ButIwasterrified—moreterrifiedthanIhadbeeninalong,longtime.
Becausemydreamswereneverjustdreams—theywerememories.
Ialwayshadworse“dreams”athome.Maybeitwasbecauseofthelakeoutback.Itwasadifferentlakethantheoneatmymother’shousebeforeshedied,butitwasalake,nonetheless.
Iwishedmyfamilydidn’tlikelakessomuch.
Iglancedatmydigitalclock,andtheicyfingersofdreadscratcheddownmyspinewhenIsawthetime.4:44a.m.Again.
IwantedtorundownthehallandthrowmyselfintoAlex’sarms.Withhim,Iwassafe.Evenmynightmareshaddecreasedinfrequencyandintensitysincewe’dstartedsleepingtogethereverynight—metuckedintohisside,hisarmswrappedaroundmeinaprotectiveembrace.WhileIwantedhisinsomniacured,wantedhimtogetthepeaceandresthedeservedeverynight,atiny,shamefulpartofmelikedthathewasawaketowatchovermeinthelonghoursbetweenduskanddawn.
Hewasprobablyawake,butIforcedmyselftostayputincasehewasn’t.Ididn’twanttoriskinterruptingthetwoorthreeprecioushoursofsleephegoteverynight.
Icrawledbackbeneathmycoversandtriedtocatchmoreshuteye,butmyskinitched,andsomethingcalledtomebeyondthewalls.IresistedforaslongasIcould,untiltwilightmeltedintodawn.
7:02a.m.
Amorerespectabletimetowakeupthan4:44a.m.
Ichangedintoasweatshirtandyogapants,shovedmyfeetintofuzzyboots,andtip-toedthroughthesilenthousetowardthebackyard.Theairsmelledfreshandcrisp,andalightfoghungoverthelake,cloakingthesceneinmystery.
Theitchingonmyskinintensified.Thecallgrewlouder.
Iwalkedtowardthelake,mybootscrunchingoverthetinygravelstonesofthebarbecueareamydadhadsetupforsummerget-togethers.Dropsofdewdustedtheemptywoodfurniture,andthecharcoalgrilllookedsadandlonely,rendereduselessuntilMemorialDayweekend.
Mybreathsformedtinypuffsintheair.ItwascolderthanI’dexpected,butIdidn’tstopwalkinguntilIreachedtheedgeofthelake—closeenoughtosmellthedampearthbeneathmyfeet
ItwasthefirsttimeIrememberedvisitingthelake.
I’dshiedawayfromitgrowingup,goingonlyasfarasthebarbecueseatingarea.Eventhen,I’dgetsonervousIwouldexcusemyselfhalfwaythroughpartiesandruntothebathroomtobringmyselfundercontrol.
Iwasn’tsurewhatcompelledmetocomeoutherethismorning,butthelake’ssirensongenvelopedme,coaxingmecloser—likeitwastryingtotellmeasecretitdidn’twantotherstohear.
IwasbetterwithwaternowafterallmylessonswithAlex,butatremorofuneasestillspiraledthroughmewhenIthoughtaboutthewaterydepthsbeforeme.
Deepbreaths.You’refine.You’reonsolidground.Thelakewillnotriseupanddragyou—
Acaralarmblaredinthedistance,andIflinched,allrelaxationtechniquesforgottenasmynightmareplayedoutinbroaddaylight.
Ipickedupanotherstonefromtheground.Itwassmoothandflat,thetypethatwouldmake
reallyprettyripples.Idrewmyarmbacktothrowit,butIsmelledsomethingsweetandflowery—Mommy’sperfume—andgotdistracted.
Myaimveered,andthestonethuddedontotheground,butIdidn’tmind.Mommywasback!Wecouldplaynow.
Iturned,smilingabiggap-toothedsmile,butIonlymadeithalfwaybeforesomethingpushedme.Ipitchedforward—down,down,offtheedgeofthedeck,myscreamswallowedupbythewaterrushingtowardmyface.
“Ava?”Myfather’sworriedvoicepenetratedmydaze.“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”
Iforgot.Hecameouthereeverymorningtoexercise,rainorshine.Hewasreligiousabouthismorningroutine.
Ispun,tryingtoescapetheimagesflashingthroughmybrain,buttheywouldn’tstop.Oldnightmares.Newrevelations.
No.No,no,nononononono.
Myfather’sgoldsignetringflashedinthelight,andIsawhisface.
AndIscreamed.28
Alex
Somethingwaswrong.
IfeltitdeepinmybonesasIpulledintomydriveway,mysixthsenseblaring.
Avastaredstraightahead,herfacepale,hereyesunseeing.She’dbeenlikethissincethemorningafterThanksgiving,whenherfatherfoundherbythelakeandshe’dscreamedsoloudshewokemeupfromoneofmyrareboutsofsleep.I’dracedoutside,mymindconjuringallsortsofhorriblescenarioswhileIcursedmyselfforleavingheralone.Forfailingher.
ButIfoundheroutside,safeandunharmed—atleastphysically—whileherfathertriedtosootheher.LinesofdistresshadmarredMichael’sfaceassheshooklikealeafinthewind,tearsstreamingdownherface.Sherefusedtotelluswhatwaswrong,anditwasn’tuntilhourslaterthatsheconfessedshe’dfreakedoutaboutbeingthatclosetothelake.Shewasn’tsurewhyshe’dgoneoutthereinthefirstplace,butheraquaphobiahadkickedinlate.
Bullshit.
Avacouldenterthepoolnowwithoutpanicking,andshe’dstayedcalmwhenwevisitedlakesbefore.No,somethingelsehadterrifiedhertothepointwhereshe’dscreamedthehousedown,andonceIfoundoutwhatitwas,Iwouldhuntittotheendsoftheearthandtearitapartwithmybarehands.
Iguidedherintomyhouse,whereItuckedherbeneathablanketonthecouchandmadeherahotdrink.I’dturnedofftheheatsinceI’dgoneawayfortheweekend,anduntilitcaughtup,thehousewasfreezing.
“Hotchocolatewithoatmilkandthreemarshmallows.”IkeptmytonelightasIhandedAvathedrink.“Justlikeyoulikeit.”
“Thanks.”Shewrappedherhandsaroundthemugandstaredatthemarshmallowsbobbingintheliquidbutmadenomovetodrinkit.
Normally,she’dhavedownedhalfthemugbynow.Shelovedhotchocolate.Itwasherfavoritepartofwinter.
Igraspedherchinandangledherfacetowardmine.“TellmewhoorwhatIneedtokill,”Igrowled.“Whathappenedatyourfather’shouse?”
“Itoldyou,nothing.Itwasjustthelake.”Avaekedoutawobblysmile.“Youcan’tkillalake.”
“I’lldraineveryfuckinglakeandoceanintheworldifIhaveto.”
Atinycrystaltearslippedfromhereye.“Alex…”
“Imeanit.”Irubbedthetearawaywithmythumb.Myheartragedinmychest,asnarlingbeastfuriousatthesightofherdistressandthethoughttherewassomethingintheworldthatwoulddarehurther.Hypocrite,
myconsciencewhispered.Cruel,selfishhypocriteLookinthemirror.Thinkaboutthethingsyou’vedone.
Igrittedmyteethandignoredthetauntingvoiceinmyhead.“I’ddoitforyou.”Ikissedthespotwherehertearhadbeen.“I’ddoanythingforyou.Nomatterhowtwistedorimpossible.”
Ashudderrolledthroughherbody.“Iknow.Itrustyou.Morethananyoneelseinthisworld.”
Ifonlysheknew,
myconsciencesang.Ifonlysheknewwhatkindofmanyouare.Shewouldn’ttouchyouwithaten-footpole,muchlesstrustyou.
Shut.Up.
Great.Iwasnowhavingsilentconversationswithanimaginaryvoice.
Howthemightyhavefallen.
“Idon’tknowifit’seven…ifit’strue,”Avawhispered.“Icouldhaveimaginedit.”
Myknucklesturnedwhitearoundmyknee.“Imaginedwhat?”
“I—”Shegulped,hereyeshaunted.“Mychildhoodmemories.Theycameback.”
Theconfessionhitmelikeafreighttrain,blindsidingme.
OfallthethingsI’dexpectedhertosay,thathadnotbeenoneofthem.
Repressedmemorieswereusuallytheresultofatraumaticeventandcouldresurfaceifthepersonencounteredatrigger—asound,asmell,anevent.ButAvahadbeenathome,whereshe’dgrownupherentirelife.WhathadhappenedoverThanksgivingthatcould’vetriggeredher?Thelake?
“Okay.”Ikeptmyvoicecalmandeven.Soothing.“Whatdoyouremember?”
Ava’sshoulderstrembled.“Idon’tremembereverything.ButIrememberthedayI…thedayIalmostdied.”
Myentirebodyflushedhot,thencold.Almostdied.
Ifshehaddied,ifshewasnolongersomewhereinthisworld…
Theinvisiblenoosearoundmynecktightened;atinybeadofsweattrickleddownthebackofmyneck.
Hernear-deathexperiencewasn’tmyfault.It’dhappenedlongbeforeImether,butstill…
Mybreathgrewshallow.
“Iwasplayingbythelake.”Shelickedherlips.“Thereusedtobeadockthatranouttothemiddleofthewater.MydadtookitdownafterTheIncident—that’swhatIcallwhathappened—butweusedtogooutthereallthetimeuntilmyparents’divorce.Mydadmovedout,andmymomfellintoadepression.Itwasareallynastydivorce,fromwhatIgleanedovertheyears,andnowIrememberalltheshoutingandthreats.Iwastooyoungtounderstandwhattheyweremadabout;allIknewwasthattheywereangry.SoangrysometimesIthoughttheywouldkilleachother.Anyway,mymomstoppedtakingmeouttothelakeuntiloneday…shedid.Wewereplayingonthedock,andweranoutofsunscreen.Mymomwasreallybigonsunscreen—saiditwasthemostimportantthingwecoulddoforourskin.Ididn’twanttostopplayingtogowithher,soshemademepromisetostayputwhilesheraninside.Shewassupposedtobegoneforonlyafewminutes.”
Avatracedtherimofthemugwithherfinger,hereyesgainingthatfar-offqualitythattoldmeshewaslostinherunearthedmemories.“Idid.Istayedput.Watchedthefish,threwstonesinthewater—Ilovedtheripplestheymade.Iwaitedforhertocomebacksowecouldplayagain.I’vehadnightmaresaboutthisdayforaslongasIcouldremember,sonotallofthisisnew.Irememberedherleaving,andIrememberedherreturningandmefallingintothewater.Only…”Shedrewinadeepbreath.“Idon’tthinkshereturned.IthoughtIsmelledherperfume,butinmynightmares—mymemories—Inevergotagoodlookatthefaceofthepersonwhopushedme.Itallhappenedsoquickly.ButwhenIwasbythelakeafewdaysago…morememoriesreturned,andIrealizedI’dseenmorethanI’dthought.BeforeIfellinthewater,Isawaflashofgold.Asignetring.MC.”
Dreadandshockcoiledatthebaseofmyspineandflaredtheirwings,envelopingmeintheirdarkembrace.
“MichaelChen.”Avashookharder.“Alex,mymomdidn’ttrytokillme.Mydaddid.”29
Ava
Icouldn’tstopthrowing
up.
Iheavedintothetoilet,mystomachroiling,myskindrenchedwithsweatasAlexheldmyhairbackandrubbedcirclesonmyback.
Hewaslivid.Notatme,butatmyfather,mypast,theentiresituation.Icouldfeelitinthetensenessofhishandsandtheauraofbarelyleashedviolencethat’dswirledaroundhimsinceIconfessedmymemories.
Thedayatthelakehadonlybeenthetipoftheiceberg.
I’drememberedsomethingelse—somethingthatcementedmyfather’sguilt.
“Daddy,look!”Iranintohisoffice,brandishingthepaperinmyhandswithpride.ItwasanessayIwroteforclassonwhoweadmiredmost.IwroteaboutDaddy.Mrs.JamesgavemeanAplusonit,andIcouldn’twaittoshowhim.
“Whatisit,Ava?”Heraisedhiseyebrows.
“IgotanAplus!Look!”
Hetookthepaperfrommeandskimmedit,buthedidn’tlookhappylikeI’dexpected.
Mysmiledimmed.Whywashefrowning?Weren’tA’sgood?HealwayspraisedJoshwhenhebroughthomeA’s.
“What’sthis?”
“It’sapaperaboutwhoIadmiremost?”Itwistedmyhands,growingmorenervous.IwishedJoshwashere,buthewasathisfriend’shouse.“Isaidyou,becauseyousavedme.”
Ididn’trememberhimsavingme,butthatwaswhateveryonetoldme.TheysaidIfellintoalakeafewyearsagoandwould’vediedifDaddyhadn’tjumpedinafterme.
“Idid,didn’tI?”Hefinallysmiled,butitwasn’tanicesmile.
Isuddenlydidn’twanttobehereanymore.
“Youlooksomuchlikeyourmother,”Daddysaid.“Acarboncopyofwhenshewasyourage.”
Ididn’tknowwhatacarboncopywas,butbasedonhistone,itprobablywasn’tagoodthing.
Hestood,andIinstinctivelysteppedbackuntilmylegshitthecouch.
“Doyourememberwhathappenedatthelakewhenyouwerefive,darlingAva?”Hebrushedhisfingersovermycheek,andIflinched.
Ishookmyhead,tooscaredtospeak
“That’sforthebest.Makesthingseasier.”Daddysmiledanotheruglysmile.“Iwonderifyou’llforgetthistoo?”Hepickedupathrowpillowandpushedmeontothecouch.
Ididn’thavetimetorespondbeforeIlosttheabilitytobreathe.Thepillowpressedintomyface,cuttingoffmyoxygensupply.Itriedtopushitoff,butIwasn’tstrongenough.AstronghandlockedmywriststogetheruntilIcouldn’tstruggleanymore.
Mychesttightened,andmyvisionflickered.
Noair.Noairnoairnoair—
Notonlyhadmyfathertriedtodrownme,he’dalsotriedtosuffocateme.
Iretchedagain,andagain,andagain.I’dmanagedtostaycalmformostofThanksgivingweekend,butsayingthewordsoutloud—myfathertriedtokillme
—must’vetriggeredadelayedphysicalresponse.
AfterI’dthrownupwhatmust’vebeenallthecontentsinmystomach,Isankontothefloor.Alexhandedmeaglassofwater,andIdowneditwithlong,gratefulgulps.
“I’msorry,”Irasped.“Thisissoembarrassing.I’llcleanup—”
“Don’tworryaboutit.”Heranagentlehandovermyhair,butaninfernoragedinhiseyes.“We’llfigureeverythingout.Leaveittome.”
***
Aweeklater,
AlexandIwaitedformyfathertoarriveinoneofArcherGroup’sconferencerooms.ItwasmyfirsttimeseeingAlex’sworkplace,andthebuildingwasexactlyhowI’dpicturedit:sleek,modern,andbeautiful,allglassandwhitemarble.
Icouldn’tappreciateit,though.Iwastoonervous.
Theclocktickedonthewall,deafeninginthesilence.
Idrummedmyfingersonthepolishedwoodtableandstaredthroughthetintedglasswindows,bothwillinganddreadingmyfather’sappearance.
“Securityhereistop-notch,”Alexreassuredme.“AndI’llbebyyoursidetheentiretime.”
“That’snotwhatI’mworriedabout.”Ihadtopressmyotherhandagainstmykneetokeepitfrombouncing.“Idon’tthinkhewould…”
Physicallyhurtme?Buthehad.Oratleast,he’dtried.
Thedayhepushedmeintothelake,andthedayhesuffocatedme.AndthosewereonlytheinstancesIremembered.
Iflashedbackovertheyears,tryingtorememberanythingelseamiss.Ithoughthe’dbeenadecentfatherduringmyteenageyears.Notthemostpresentoraffectionate,buthehadn’ttriedtokillme,whichbeggedthequestion:whyhadn’the?There’dbeenplentyofopportunities,plentyoftimeswhenhecould’vemademydeathlooklikeanaccident
Butthatquestionpaledincomparisontothebiggestoneofall,whichwaswhyhewantedtokillmeinthefirstplace.Iwashisdaughter.
Asinglebrokensoberuptedfrommythroat.Alexsqueezedmyhand,hisbrowsdrawntightoverhiseyes,butIshookmyhead.
“I’mokay,”Isaid,gatheringthestrengthtopullmyselftogether.Icoulddothis.Iwouldn’tbreakdown.Iwouldn’t.
EvenifmyhearthurtsomuchImightcombust.“I—”
Thedooropened,andmywordsdiedinmythroat.
Myfather—Michael;Icouldn’tthinkofhimasmyfatheranymore—walkedin,lookingconfusedandalittleannoyed.Heworehisfavoritestripedpoloandjeansagain,aswellasthatdamnsignetring.
Ichokedbackbile.Besideme,Alextensed,wrathradiatingfromhimindark,dangerouswaves.
“What’sgoingon?”Michaelfrowned.“Ava?Whydidyouaskmetocomehere?”
“Mr.Chen.”Alex’svoiceseemedpleasantenough;onlythosewhoknewhimcoulddetectthelethalbladebeneathhiswords,waitingtostrike.“Please,takeaseat.”Hegesturedattheleatherchairontheothersideofthetable.
Michaeldid,hisexpressiongrowingmoreirritated.“Ihaveworktodo,andyoumademecomeallthewaytoD.C.forasupposedemergency.”
“Isentacar,”Alexsaid,stillinthatdeceptivelypleasanttone.
“Yourcarormine,ittakesthesameamountoftime.”Michael’seyesflickedbetweenAlexandmebeforesettlingonme.“Don’ttellmeyou’repregnant.”
ConfirmationheknewAlexandIhadbeenanitematThanksgiving.NotthatIcaredwhathethoughtanymore.
“No.”IraisedmyvoicesoIcouldhearitovermypoundingpulse.“I’mnot.”
“Thenwhat’stheemergency?”
“I—”Ifaltered.Alexsqueezedmyhandagain.“I—”
Icouldn’tsayit.Notwithanaudience.
Alexalreadykneweverything,butwhatMichaelandIhadtodiscussseemedtoopersonaltoairoutinfrontofotherpeople.Itwasbetweenus.Fatheranddaughter.
Pinpricksoflightdancedbeforemyvision.IdugthenailsofmyfreehandintomythighsohardIwould’vedrawnbloodhadInotbeenwearingjeans.
“Alex,canyouletushaveamomentalone,please?”
Hisheadwhippedtowardme,hisexpressionthunderous.
Please,
Ibeggedwithmyeyes.Ineedtodothisonmyown.
Knowinghowprotectivehewas,Iexpectedmoreresistance,buthemust’veseensomethinginmyface—myunshakeablebeliefthatIhadtofightmyownbattles—becausehereleasedmyhandandstood.
Reluctantly,buthedidit.
“I’llberightoutside,”hesaid.Apromiseandawarning.
AlexshotadarklookatMichaelbeforeheexited.
Andthenthereweretwo.
“Ava?”Michaelraisedhiseyebrows.“Areyouintrouble?”
Yes.
I’drunthroughthisconversationinmymindhundreds,ifnotthousands,oftimesbeforeIsteppedfootinthisroom.I’dlaboredoverhowtobringupthetopicandhowI’dreacttohisresponse,whateveritmaybe.Ohhey,Dad,nicetoseeyou.Bytheway,didyoutrytomurderme?Yes?Ohdamn,okay.
ButIcouldn’tdragitoutanylonger
Ineededanswersbeforethequestionskilledme.
“I’mnotintrouble,”Isaid,proudofhowsteadyIsounded.“ButIhavesomethingtotellyouaboutwhathappenedoverThanksgivingweekend.”
Warinesscreptintohiseyes.“Okay…”
“Iremembered.”
“Rememberedwhat?”
“Everything.”Iwatchedhimcloselyforareaction.“Mychildhood.ThedayIalmostdrowned.”
Warinessmorphedintoshockandafainttingeofpanic.Deepgroovesappearedinhisforehead.
Mystomachdropped.I’dhopedI’dbeenwrong,butthewildlookinMichael’seyestoldmeallIneededtoknow—Iwasn’twrong.Hereallyhadtriedtokillme.
“Really?”Hischucklesoundedforced.“Areyousure?You’vebeenhavingnightmaresforyears—”
“I’msure.”Istraightenedmyshouldersandlookedhimstraightintheeye,tryingtokeepmytremblesundercontrol.“Wereyoutheonewhopushedmeintothelakethatday?”
Michael’sfacecollapsed,theshockinhiseyestripling.“What?”hewhispered.
“Youheardme.”
“No,ofcoursenot!”Herakedahandthroughhisgrayinghair,agitated.“Howcouldyouthinkthat?I’myourfather.
Iwouldneverdoanythingtohurtyou.”
Hopewhisperedthroughmyheartevenasmybrainshookitsheadinskepticism.“That’swhatIremember.”
“Memoriescandeceive.Werememberthingsthatdidn’tactuallyhappen.”Michaelleanedforward,hisfacesoftening.“Whatexactlydoyouthinkhappened?”
Ignawedonmybottomlip.“Iwasplayingbythelake.Someonecameupbehindmeandpushedme.Irememberedturningaroundandseeingaflashofgold.Asignetring.Your
signetring.”Mygazedroppedtosaidringonhisfinger.
Heglanceddownandrubbedit.“Ava.”Hesoundedpained.“Iwastheonewhosavedyoufromdrowning.”
Thatwasthepartthatdidn’tmakesense.I’dpassedout,soIhadn’tseenwho’dsavedme,buttheparamedicsandpolicesaidMichaelhadbeentheonewhocalledthem.Whywouldhedothatifhewastheonewhopushedmein?
“Icameovertospeakwithyourmotheraboutthedivorce,andnooneansweredthedooreventhoughhercarwasinthedriveway.Iwentaroundbacktoseeifshewasoutthere,andIsaw—”Michaelswallowedhard.“Itwastheworstfewminutesofmylife,thinkingyouweredead.Ijumpedinandsavedyou,andallthewhileyourmother…shejuststoodthereinshock.Likeshecouldn’tbelievewhathadhappened.”Hisvoicedropped.“Yourmotherwasn’twell,Ava.Shedidn’tmeantoharmyou,butsometimesshedidthingsoutofhercontrol.Shefeltsoguiltyafterward,andbetweenthedivorceandcriminalcharges…that’swhysheoverdosed.”
Painrippedthroughmyhead.Ipressedmyfingerstomytemples,tryingtosortthroughmyfather’swordsandmyownmemories.Whatwasreal?Whatwasn’t?
Memorieswereunreliable.Iknewthat.AndMichaelsoundedsincere.ButhadIreallybeenthatoffbase?Wheredidthosevisionscomefrom,ifnotmymemories?
“There’sanotherinstance,”Isaidshakily.“Thirdgrade.IbroughthomeanessayfromMrs.James’sclassandshowedyou.Wewereinyouroffice.YoulookedatmeandsaidIwasacarboncopyofMomandyou…youpushedapillowintomyfaceandtriedtosuffocateme.Icouldn’tbreathe.Iwould’vedied,butJoshcamehomeandcalledforyou,andyoustopped.”
Thestorysoundedridiculousbeneaththebrightlightsoftheconferenceroom.Myheadpoundedharder.
AlarmspreadacrossMichael’sfeatures.“Ava,”hesaidsoftly,calmly,likehedidn’twanttospookme.“YouneverhadateachernamedMrs.James.”
Myheartcrashedagainstmychest.“Idid!Shehadblondehairandglasses,andshegaveussugarcookiesonourbirthdays…”Tearsprickledmyeyes.“Iswear,Mrs.Jameswasreal.”
Shehadtobereal.Butwhatifshewasn’t?WhatifI’dmadeeverythingupandthought
theywerememories?Whatwaswrongwithme?Whywasmybrainsomessedup?
Icouldn’tbreathe.Ifeltcrazy,likenothinginmylifewasrealandI’ddreameditallup.Ipressedmypalmsintothetable,half-expectingittodissolveinashowerofdust.
“Honey…”Hereachedforme,butbeforehecouldtouchme,thedoorbangedopen.
“That’senough.Stoplying.”Alexstrodein,hisfacelikethunder.Ofcoursehehadthisplacewired.“IhadmypeopleinvestigateafterAvatoldmewhatsheremembered,”hesaidcoldly.Hedid?
Henevertoldmethat.“You’dbesurprisedhowmuch—andhowquickly—onecanfindoutwiththerightamountofmoney.Shedidhaveathird-gradeteachernamedMrs.James—onewhoreportedsuspiciousbruisingonAva’swristswhenshecameintoclassthenextday.Youclaimeditwasaplaygroundinjury,andtheybelievedyou.”Alex’seyesburnedwithdisgust.“You’reagoodactor,butdropthemask.We’reontoyou.”
IstaredatMichael.Ididn’tknowwhattobelieveanymore.“Isthattrue?Youweregaslightingmethiswholetime?”
“Ava,I’myourfather.”Michaelrubbedahandoverhisface,hiseyesbright.“Iwouldneverlietoyou.”
IlookedbetweenhimandAlex.Myheadpoundedharder.Therewastoomuchgoingon,toomanysecretstoreveal.Butintheend,Ihadtotrustmyself.
“Ithinkyouwould,”Isaid.“Ithinkyou’vebeenlyingtomemyentirelife.”
Michael’sfaceremainedanguishedforseveralmoresecondsbeforeittwistedandmorphedintoahideousmask.Hiseyesgleamedwithdelightedmalice,andhismouthspreadintoamockingsmile
Hedidn’tlooklikemyfatheranymore.Hedidn’tlookhumanatall.Helookedlikeamonsterstraightfrommynightmares.
“Bravo.”Heslow-clapped.“Ialmosthadyou,”hetoldme.“Youshould’veseenyourself.Iswear,Mrs.Jameswasreal,
”hemimicked,laughing.Theuglysoundraisedeveryhaironmybody.“Classic.Youreallythoughtyouwerecrazy.”
IgaveasubtleshakeofmyheadwhenAlexmovedtowardMichael.Iwantedtorunandhide,butadrenalinepushedthewordsoutofmymouth.“Why?Iwasakid
.”Mychinwobbled.“I’myourdaughter.Whywouldyoudothosethingstome?Tellmethetruth.”Itightenedmyjaw.“No.More.Lies.”
“Thetruthissubjective.”Michaelleanedbackinhischair.“Butyouwanttoknowsobad?Here’smytruth—you’renotreallymydaughter.”Heflashedahumorlesssmileatmysharpintakeofbreath.“That’sright.Yourbitchofamomcheatedonme.Must’vebeenoneofthosetimesIwasawayforbusiness.ShealwayscomplainedIwasn’taroundenough,likeitwasn’tmyfuckingbusinessthatputtheroofoverherheadandkeptherniceandwarmindesignerclothes.I’dalwayssuspectedyouweren’tmine—youlooknothinglikeme,butIfigured,hey,maybeyoujusthaveastrongresemblancetoWendy.Itookasecretpaternitytestandlo-and-behold,youreallyaren’tmine.Yourmothertriedtodenyit,buttherewasn’tmuchshecoulddowiththeevidencestaringherintheface.”Hisexpressiondarkened.“Ofcourse,wecouldn’tmentionthatinthedivorceproceedings.Thosethingsalwaysleak,andwewould’vebothlostface.”
TherewerefewthingsworsethanlosingfaceinChineseculture.Except,ofcourse,tryingtomurderyourdaughter
“IfI’mnotyourdaughter,whydidyoufightsohardforcustody?”Idemanded,mytonguethickinmymouth.
Michael’slipscurledintoasneer.“Ididn’tfightforcustodyforyou.
IdiditforJosh.He’sactuallymyson.Testconfirmedit.Mylegacy,myheir.ButsincenooneotherthanyourmotherandIknewyouweren’tmine,youandJoshwereapackagedeal.Unfortunately,courtsalmostalwayssidewiththemotherexceptinextraordinarycircumstances,so…”Heshrugged.“Ihadtoengineeranextraordinarycircumstance.”
Ifeltsick,butIstayedfrozenwhileMichaelunraveledthetangledwebofourpast.
“Iwasluckyyourmomwasstupidenoughtoleaveyoualone.Honestly,thatwasnegligenceonitsown.ButIsnuckintothehouse,intendingtoplantevidenceofher‘drugaddiction’,andIfoundyouplayingbythelakeinstead.ItwaslikeGoddroppedtheopportunityintomylap.Sometimes,courtssidewiththemotherevenifshe’sadrugaddict,buttryingtodrown
herchild?Guaranteedwinforme.Nottomention,it’dbepunishmentforher.SoIpushedyouin.Iwastemptedtoletyoudrownforreal.”Anotherflashofteeth.“ButIwasn’tthat
cold-hearted.Youwerejustakid.SoIfishedyouout,toldauthoritiesIsawWendypushyouin.Shekeptscreamingshedidn’tdoit,butyouwannaknowtherealgeniusofmyplan?”Heleanedforward,hiseyessparkling.“You
weretheonewhoimplicatedyourmother.”
“No.”Ishookmyhead.“Ididn’t.Ididn’tevensee—Ididn’tremember—”
“Notafter.Butinthemoment?”Hesmirked.“It’squiteeasytoimplantfalsememories,especiallyinthemindofaconfused,traumatizedchild.Afewsuggestionsandleadingquestionsfromme,andyouwereconvinceditwasyourmom.Saidyousmelledherperfume,plusshewastheonlypersonthere.Eitherway,authoritieshadtoinvestigate,andtheygavemecustodyofyouandJoshwhiletheygatheredevidence.Yourmombecamedepressedand,well,youknowwhathappenedwiththepills.It’sprettypoetic,actually.ShediedoftheverythingI’dwantedtoframeherfor—at4:44a.m.,noless.Theunluckiesttime.”
Mystomachlurched.4:44a.m.ThetimeIawokefrommynightmares.
I’veneverbeenasuperstitiousperson,butIcouldn’thelpwonderingifthathadbeenmymomscreamingatmefromtheotherside,urgingmetoremember.ToleavethesociopathwhosehouseI’dbeenlivinginalltheseyears.
“Whataboutthatdayinyouroffice?”Iasked,determinedtoseethisthrougheventhoughIwantedtothrowup.
Michaelsnorted.“Right.ThatstupidessayabouthowI‘saved’you.Youknow,IdidaprettygoodjobofhidinghowmuchIresentedhavingtoraiseyou,the‘daughter’who’snotevenmyown,allthoseyears.Iplayedtheroleofthequiet,awkward,grief-strickenfathertoatee.”Hisuglysmilereappeared.“Butsometimes,youpushmylimits,especiallysinceyoulooksomuchlikeher.
Alivingreminderofherinfidelity.Itwould’vebeensoeasyifyouwereoutofthepicture,butJoshchosethatmomenttocomehome.Alas.”Heliftedhisshoulderinashrug.“Can’thaveitall.Tobefair,theofficeincidentwasamomentofweaknessonmypart—youwereverymuchawareofwhatwasgoingon,andIwould’vehadahelluvatimeexplainingwhathappened,thoughI’msureIwould’vecomeupwithsomething.
Butimaginemypleasantsurprisewhenyouwokeupwithnotonlynorecollectionoftheoffice,butnorecollectionofyourentirechildhooduptothatpoint.Doctorscouldn’texplainit,butitdidn’tmatter.Allthatmatteredwasyouforgot.”Hesmiled.“Godreallydoessmileonme,doesn’the?”
IfeltAlex’shandsonmyback.Ihadn’tevennoticedhimapproach.Ileanedintothecomfortofhistouchwhilemymindspun.IrememberedrunningtomyroomandlockingthedoorafterMichaelreleasedmeandgreetedJoshlikenothinghadhappened.Istayedthereallnight,refusingtoeatdinnernomatterhowmuchJoshtriedtopersuademetocomeout.He’donlybeenthirteenatthetime—tooyoungtohelpme—andIhadnooneelsetoturnto.
IwonderedifI’dbeensopanickedandtraumatizedthatI’dblackedoutall
ofmyexperienceswithMichael,whichwasbasicallymyentirechildhood.
“Icouldn’tbesureI’dbeasluckyagain,though,”Michaelcontinued.“SoIleftyoualoneafterthat.EvensentyoutotherapybecauseIhadtoplaythepartoftheconcernedfather,butitwasagoodthingthoseincompetentidiotsdidn’tknowwhattheyweredoing.”
Nowonderhe’dbeensoadamantaboutstoppingmytherapysessions.Hemust’vebeenterrifiedIwouldrememberandimplicatehim.Whichbeggedthequestion…whythehellwashesowillingtotellmeallofthisnow?
ItwaslikeAlexreadmymind.“There’snostatuteoflimitationsforattemptedmurder,andthisentireconversationisrecorded,”hesaid.“D.C.hasaone-partyconsentlawforrecordings,andAva—”Hegesturedatme.“Consentedbeforehand.You’regoingtojailforalong,longtime.”
Michael’smaskofmalicemelted,leavingbehindthe“father”whotookmeoncollegevisitsandplannedmybirthdaypartiesagain.Itwasterrifyinghoweasilyheswitchedbetweenthetwo.“IfIhavetogotojailtosaveher,Iwill,”hewhispered.Heturnedtome,hiseyesshiningwithactualtears.“Ava,honey,Alexisnotwhoyouthinkheis.Hisdriverpickedmeup,andonthewayhere,hethreatenedme—”
“Enough,”Alexhissed.“Nomoregaslightingher.You’redone,andmyfriendswouldagree.”
IwatchedinshockastwoFBIagentsburstintotheroomandhauledMichaeloutofhischair.Alexhadn’tmentionedtheFBIwhenwe’dplannedthis.
“Thiswon’tholdupincourt,”Michaelsaid,soundingquitecalmforsomeoneenteringfederalcustody.“I’llfightit.Youwon’twin.”
“Withwhatmoney?”Alexraisedhiseyebrows.“Yousee,mypeoplefoundsomeinterestingthingsaboutyourbusinessduringtheirdiggingaswell.Interesting,illegal
things.Taxevasion.Corporatefraud.Ringanybells?”
Forthefirsttimesincehearrived,Michael’scomposureslipped.“You’relying,”hehissed.“Youhadnoauthority—”
“Aucontraire,IworkedwiththeFBIonthatpart.MyfriendsattheagencywerequiteinterestedinwhatIhadtosay,andwhattheyfound.”Alexsmiled.“Youcanuseyouruntaintedassetstohireanattorney,butmostofyourassetsare
taintedandwillbefrozenbeforeyourtrial.You’llreceivetheofficialnoticebeforetheendoftoday.”
“Joshwillneverforgiveyouforthis.”Michael’seyesburned.“Heworshipsme.Whodoyouthinkhe’llbelieve?Me,hisfather,oryou,apunkhemetafewyearsago?”
“Inthiscase,Father—”Joshwalkedin,hisfacedarkerthanI’deverseenit.“IthinkI’llbelieve‘thepunk’.”
HeslammedhisfistintoMichael’sface,andallhellbrokeloose.30
Ava
Severalhourslater,
JoshandIsatinthebackboothofarestaurantnearTheArcherGroup.Alexhadbookedtheentireplaceanddismissedmostofthestaff.Otherthanawaiterwhohoveredbytheentrance,outofearshot,weweretheonlyoneshere.Alex,too,hadretreatedtohisofficetogiveusmoreprivacy.
“I’msosorry,Ave.”Joshlookedterrible.Lacklustercomplexion,hugebagsbeneathhiseyes.Stressandworrycarveddeepgroovesinhisface,andhisusualcocky,charminggrinwasnowheretobeseen.“Ishould’veknown.Ishould’ve—”
“It’snotyourfault.Dad—Michael—fooledall
ofus.”Ishuddered,thinkingabouthowwellMichaelhadplayedhisrole.“Besides,helovedyou.Hetreatedyouperfectly.Youwouldn’thavenoticedanything.”
Josh’slipsthinned.“Hedidn’tloveme.Peoplelikehimcan’tlove.Hesawmeasa…vesseltocontinuehislegacy.Nothingelse.”
AlexandIhadcontactedJoshandtoldhimwhatIrememberedafewdaysago.He’dbeenshocked,buthe’dbelievedme.He’dalsoinsistedonflyingbackfortheconfrontationandreceivedemergencyleavefromhisprogramtodoso.He’dwatchedandlistenedtotheconversationviatheconferenceroom’ssecretcamerastheentiretime,andAlex’ssecurityteamhadhadtorestrainhimsohedidn’tburstintooearly.
Icouldonlyimagine.Joshwasnothingifnothot-tempered.
AfterhepunchedMichael,thesituationhaddevolvedintochaos,withtheFBIagents,Josh,Michael,andvarioussecurityguardsgrapplingwitheachother.Joshwouldhavebeatenthehelloutofour—his—father,hadAlexnotfinallypulledhimback.TheFBIagentshauledabruisedandbleedingMichaelintocustody,andnowweawaitedhistrial.
ThankstoAlex,whosefriend’sfatherwasapparentlyhighupintheFBI,Joshdidn’tgetchargedwithassaultforattackingMichael.
Theentiresituationfeltsurreal.
“Eitherway,itwasn’tyourfault,”Irepeated.“Youwerejustakidtoo.”
“IfI’dbeentherethatdayinhisoffice…”
“Stopit.Doyouhearme,JoshChen?”Isaidsternly.“Iwillnot
letyoublameyourself.MomandMichaelwereadults.Theymadetheirownchoices.”Iswallowed,feelingguiltyaboutmysuppressedragetowardmymotherovertheyearswhen,infact,she’dbeenavictimtoo.“You’vealways
beentherewhenIneededyou,andyouareanamazingbrother.I’llonlysaythatonce,sodon’taskmetorepeatit.Youregodoesn’tneedmoreinflation.”
Hecrackedasmallsmile.“Areyougoingtobeokay?”
Itookadeepbreath.Thepasttwoweekshadbeen…alot.Therevelations,themindfucks,thesinkingrealizationthatIwaspracticallyanorphan.Mymotherwasdead,myfatherwasn’tmyrealfather—andwouldprobablybelockedupforalongtime—andIhadnocluewhomyactualfatherwas.ButatleastIknewthetruth,andIhadJosh,Alex,andmyfriends.
Maybetheimportofwhathappenedwouldhitmelater,butfornow,allIfeltwasreliefmingledwithsadnessandlingeringshock.
“Yeah,”Isaid.“Iwill.”
Joshmust’veheardmyconviction,becausehisshouldersrelaxedthetiniestbit.“Ifyouneedtotalkoranything,I’mhere.Can’tguaranteeI’llgivegoodadvice,butI’llbeasoundingboardorwhatever.”
Ismiled.“Thanks,Joshy.”
Hemadeafaceathishatednickname.“HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?Don’t
callmethat.”
Wespentthenexthalfhourtalkingaboutlightertopics—histimeinCentralAmerica,whatD.C.luxurieshe’dindulgeinbeforehereturnedtohisvolunteerprogram,andhisnow-deadrelationshipwiththegirlhe’dtoldmeabout.Apparently,he’dendedthingsimmediatelyaftershebroughtupmarriage.TypicalJosh.
Asannoyingashewas,Ihadmissedhim,andIwouldbesadtoseehimleave.HewascominghomeforChristmas,buthecouldn’ttaketheentireperiodbetweennowandthenoff,sohewasleavingtomorrowandflyingbackintwoweeks.
However,westillhadoneelephantintheroomweneededtodiscuss.
“Nowthatwegotallthesmallstuffoutoftheway…”AscowlovertookJosh’sface.“YouandAlex.What.The.Fuck?”
Icringed.“Wedidn’tplanit,Ipromise.Itjustsortof…happened.”
“Youjust‘happened’tofallintobedwithmybestfriend?”
“Don’tbemad.”
“I’mnotmadatyou,”Joshsnapped.“I’mmadathim.
Heshould’veknownbetter!”
“AndIdon’t
knowbetter?”
“YouknowwhatImean.You’rearomantic.Icanseeyoufallingforthatbroodyassholethinghehasgoingon.ButAlex…JesusChrist,Ave.”Joshrubbedahandoverhisface.“He’smybestfriend,butevenIshudderatthethingshedoes.InalltheyearsI’veknownhim,he’sneveroncebeeninarelationship.Nevershownaninterestinit.Hecaresaboutwork,andthat’sit.”
“Yes,hecanbeanassholesometimes,buthe’sstillhuman.Heneedsloveandcarelikeanyoneelse,”Isaid,feelingprotectiveofAlexeventhoughhewasthelastpersononearthwhoneededprotection.“Asfortherelationshippart,there’safirsttimeforeverything.He’sbeen…”Iswallowedhard.“Youhavenoideahowmuchhe’shelpedmethesepastfewmonths.Hewasthereforeverything.Thenightmares,thepanicattacks…hetaughtmehowtoswimSwim,
Josh.Hehelpedmegetovermyfearofwater,atleastalittlebit,andhewassopatienttheentiretime.Butbeyondhowmuchhe’shelpedme,he’ssmartandfunnyandwonderful.Hemakesmelaughandbelieveinmyself,morethananyoneelseeverhas.Andhemaynotshowittotheworld,buthedoes
haveaheart.Abeautifulone.”
IcutmyselfoffbeforeIrambledfurther,mycheeksadeep,brightred.
Joshstaredatme,shockstampedoneveryinchofhisface.“Ava,”hesaid.“Doyou…lovehim?”
Alotofthingsinmylifehadbeenhazyuptothispoint,butmyfeelingsaboutthiswereclear.Ididn’thesitatebeforeanswering.
“Yes.”Imaynotknowwhatwasinmymind,butIknewwhatwasinmyheart.“Ido.”
***
Joshleft
thenextmorningafterthreateningtokillAlexifheeverbrokemyheart.Hewasstilluncomfortablewithourrelationship,buthe’dgrudginglyaccepteditafterhesawhowmuchIcaredaboutAlex.
AlexhadurgentbusinesstotakecareofafterhedroppedJoshoffattheairport,soIspenttherestofthedaywithmygirls.SinceitwasdrizzlingandIwasn’tupforgoingout,wehadanat-homespaday,completewithDIYfacials,mani-pedis,andamarathonoffeel-goodmovies.
I’dtoldthemwhathadhappenedwithMichael.They’dbeenstunned,butnoneofthempressedmeonit,forwhichIwasgrateful.Ithadbeenaheavytwenty-fourhours,andIneededlighthearteddowntime.
Stellacheckedherphonebeforepushingitawaywithanuncharacteristicfrown.
“Isitthatcreepagain?”Julesasked,blowingonherfreshlypolishedgoldnails.
SomerandomguyhadbeenmessagingStellanonstopforthepasttwoweeks,anditwasmakinghernervous.Asaninfluencer,shereceivedherfairshareofunsolicitedDMsfromcreepyguys,butthisoneputheronedgemorethannormal.
“Yeah.Iblockedhim,buthekeepsmakingnewaccounts.”Stellasighed.“That’sthesuckypartaboutbeingasemi-publicfigure.”
“Becareful.”AshadowofworrycrossedBridget’sface.“Therearecrazypeopleoutthere.”
Rhys,whokeptwatchfromthearmchair,snorted,nodoubtbecausethatwaswhathealwaystoldher—andshealwaysignoredhim,likeshedidnow.
BridgetrefusedtolookathimassheloweredthevolumeonMeanGirls.Thatmust’vebeenthethousandthtimewe’dwatchedit,butitnevergotold.ReginaGeorgewasiconic.
“Iwill.He’slikelyanotherInternetweirdo.”Stellamadeaface.“That’swhyIneverpostmyStoriesuntilafterI’veleftaplace.”
Icouldn’timaginedocumentingmylifeonlinethewayStelladid.Iworriedforbothherphysicalsafetyandmentalhealthsometimes,butshe’dhandleditwellsofar.MaybeIwasjustbeingaworrywart.
Someoneknockedonthedoor.
“I’llgetit.”Rhysunfoldedhimselftohisfullsixfeet,fiveinches.Seriously,themanwasenormous.Heprobablyworecustom-madeclothesbecausenowaywouldanoff-the-rackshirtfitthosebigshouldersandbroadchest.
“Lookatthatass.”Julessighed.“Talkaboutatightend.”
“Stopobjectifyinghim.That’sBridget’sbodyguard,
”Isaid,nudgingherintheribs.
“Exactly.Bodyguardsarehot.Don’tyouthinkso,Bridge?”
“No,”Bridgetsaidflatly.
“Youguysarenofun.”Julestwistedherredhairintoamessytopknot.“Ooh,lookwhocomesbearinggifts.”
MystomachflutteredwhenAlexwalkedinwithRhysonhisheels.Hecarriedadistinctiveblack-and-whitestripedbox.
“Cake?”Stellaperkedup.She’dwarmeduptoAlexoverthepastmonthafterseeinghewas“capableofhumanemotionafterall.”
“Cupcakes,”Alexconfirmed,settingthegoodiesonthetable.
Myfriendsdovefortheboxliketreasurehuntersdivingforgold.
IsmiledandtiltedmyheadupsoIcouldkisshim.“Thankyou.Youdidn’thavetodothat.”
“It’sjustcupcakes.”Hereturnedmykissbeforesittingnexttomeandcurlingaprotectivearmaroundmywaist.“Figuredyoucouldusethesugarrush.”
Ipeeledthewrapperawayfrommyredvelvetcupcakewithasmallfrown.ItwouldtakealongtimetogetoverwhatMichaeldid.Iwasn’tsureIwouldever
getoverwhatMichaeldid.Myentirelifewasalie.Sometimes,I’dlieawakeatnight,soanxiousIcouldn’tsleeporthinkstraight.Othertimes,likenow,I’dlookaroundmeandcomfortmyselfwiththeknowledgethatIwouldbeallright.Thatoldsayingwastrue:whatdoesn’tkillyoumakesyoustronger.I’dalmostdiedtwiceinmylife—thatIknewof—andIwasstillstanding.I’dcontinuetostandtall,longafterMichaelrottedinjail.
ThankstoanudgefromAlex,whoknewhalfthejudgesinthistown,Michaelwaslockedupwithnobailuntilhiscourtdate.He’dsentamessageaskingmetoseehim,butIrefused.Ihadnothinglefttosaytohim.He’dshownmehisrealface,andIwouldbehappyifIneversawitagainfortherestofmylife.
Butyeah,sometimesagirlneededacupcakeortwotogetherthroughtherainydays.
PartofmewasgratefulMichaelandIhadneverbeenclose.Ifwehad,Iwasn’tsureI’dbeabletotaketheheartbreak.ThatwaswhyIworriedaboutJosh,whowashisrealsonandwho’dhadamuchcloserrelationshipwithhim.ButJoshinsistedhewasfine,andtherewasnoarguingwithhim.Hewasevenmorestubbornthanme.
WeateinsilenceforawhilebeforeStellaclearedherthroat.“Um,thanksforthetreat,butIshouldheadout.IhaveabrandcollabIneedtoshoot.”
“Me,too,”Bridgetadded,pickinguponStella’scue.“Ihaveapoliticaltheorypapertowrite.”
AfterStella,Bridget,andRhysbeatahastyretreat,Julesannouncedshehadadatetonightandneededtogetready.Shesweptupthestairs,takinghalftheremainingcupcakeswithher.
“Youknowhowtocleararoom,”Iteased,runninganabsentmindedhanddownAlex’sarm.WhatwouldIdowithouthim?Notonlyhadhehelpedmeconfrontmyfather—Imean,Michael—buthewashelpingmedealwiththeaftermath,includingallthefinancialandlegalwebsIwasnowtangledupin.MostofMichael’sassetshadbeenfrozen,butluckily,he’dalreadypaidmytuitionfortheyear,andIhadasteadyincomefrommyjobandsidegig.ThecommissionIreceivedforsellingtheRichardArguspiecetoAlexhelpedtoo.Josh,who’dreceivedafull-ridescholarshippluslivingstipendforthedurationofmedschool,wasalsosetmoney-wise.Atleastthatwasonelessthingwehadtoworryabout.
“It’soneofmymanytalents.”Alexcapturedmymouthinasearingkiss,andImeltedintohim,lettinghistongueandtasteandtouchcarrymeawaytoalandwheremytroublesdidn’texist.
God,Ilovedthisman,andhedidn’tevenknowit.Notyet.
Mypulsethunderedinmyearswhenwepulledapart.“Alex…”
“Hmm?”Hebrushedhisfingersovermyskin,hisgazestilllockedonmymouth.
“Ihavesomethingtotellyou.I—”Tellhim.It’snowornever.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered,myheartbeatingfast,myconfessionabreathlessrush.
Abeatpassed,followedbyasecond.Third.
Alex’shandstilled,hisexpressionfierceandstrangelyhaunted.Awispofuneaseniggledatmystomach.
“Youdon’tmeanthat.”
“Yes,Ido,”Isaid,hurtandalittleangryathisreaction.“IknowwhatIfeel.”
“I’mnotaneasypersontolove.”
“GoodthingInevercaredmuchabouttakingtheeasyroad.”Isatupstraightandlookedhimstraightintheeyes.“Youarecoldandinfuriatingand,Iadmit,alittlescary.Butyouarealsopatientandsupportiveandbrilliant.Youinspiremetochasemydreamsanddriveawaymynightmares.YouareeverythingIdidn’tknowIneeded,andyoumakemefeelsaferthananyoneelseontheplanet.”Itookadeepbreath.“WhatI’mtryingtosay—again—is,Iloveyou,AlexVolkov.Everypartofyou,eventhepartsIwanttoslap.”
Asmileghostedhismouth.“Thatwasquitethespeech.”Thesmilefadedasquicklyasithadcome,andhedroppedhisforeheadtomine,hisbreathragged.“Youarethelighttomydark,Sunshine,”hesaidinarawvoice.Hislipsbrushedagainstmineashespoke.“Withoutyou,I’mlost.”
Ourkisswasevendeeperthistime,moreurgent,buthisresponseplayedonaloopinthebackofmymind.
Youarethelighttomydark.Withoutyou,I’mlost.
Beautifulwordsthatmademyheartpound…butIcouldn’thelpnoticingnoneofthemwere“Iloveyoutoo.”31
Alex
Theirongatesslidopen,
revealingalongdrivewaylinedwithnorthernredoaktrees,theirbranchesbareandbrownintheharshcoldofwinter,andthelargebrickmansionloominginthedistance.
Myuncle’shouse—myhouseaswell,beforeI’dmovedtoD.C.—stoodbehindavirtualfortressontheoutskirtsofPhiladelphia,andthatwasthewayhelikedit.
Ihadn’twantedtoleaveAvasosoonaftertheshitshowwithMichael,butI’dputoffthismeetingwithmyunclelongenough.
Ifoundhiminhisoffice,smokingandwatchingaRussiandramaontheflat-screenTVhanginginthecorner.IneverunderstoodwhyheinsistedonwatchingTVinherewhenhehadaperfectlygoodden.
“Alex.”Heblewasmokeringintheair.Ahalf-emptycupofgreenteasatbeforehim.He’dbeenobsessedwiththedrinkeversincehereadanarticlethatsaidithelpedwithweightloss.“TowhatdoIowethissurprise?”
“YouknowwhyI’mhere.”IsankintotheoverstuffedchairoppositeIvanandpickeduptheuglygoldpaperweightonhisdesk.Itlookedlikeadeformedmonkey.
“Ah,yes.Iheard.Checkmate.”Myunclesmiled.“Congratulations.ThoughIhavetoadmit,itwasabitanticlimactic.I’dexpectedyourfinalmovetogooffwithmoreofa…bang.”
Myjawtightened.“Thesituationchanged,andIhadtoadapt.”
Ivan’sgazeturnedknowing.“Andwhataboutthesituationchanged?”
Istayedsilent.
I’dlaboredovermyrevengeplanformorethanadecade,movingandmanipulatingeverypieceuntilIhadthemwhereIwantedthem.Alwaysplaythelonggame.
ButevenIhadtoadmitI’dgotten…distractedthesepastfewmonths.Avahadsweptintomylifelikeasunriseafterdark,awakeningcreatureswithinmysoulthatIthoughthaddiedalongtimeago:guilt.Conscience.Remorse.
Makingmequestionwhethertheendsjustifiedthemeans.
Aroundher,mythirstforvengeanceslaked,andIalmost—almost—gaveitup,ifonlysoIcouldpretendtobethemanshethoughtIwas.Youhaveamultilayeredheart,Alex.Aheartofgoldencasedinaheartofice
Thesharpedgesofthepaperweightdugintomypalm.
AvaknewI’dcommittedmyfairshareofunsavorydeedsforArcherGroup,butthatwasbusiness.Shedidn’tcondoneitorendorseit,butshewasn’tna?ve,either.Forallherromanticnotionsandsoftheart,she’dgrownupneartheD.C.viperpitandunderstoodthatincertainsituations—whetheritbebusinessorpolitics—itwaseatorbeeaten.
ButifshefoundoutthelengthstowhichI’dgoneinordertowreakhavoconthoseresponsibleformyfamily’sdeath—nomatterhowmuchtheydeservedit—shewouldneverforgiveme.
Therearesomelinesyounevercross
Atinywellofbloodblossomedonmyhand.Ireleasedthepaperweight,wipedthebloodoffonmyconvenientlydarkpants,andsetitbackonthetable.
“Don’tworryaboutit,Uncle.”Ikeptmyfaceandposturerelaxed.Ididn’twanthimfindingouthowmuchAvahadburrowedinsidemyheart.
Myunclehadneverbeeninlove,hadnevermarriedorfatheredchildrenofhisown,andhewouldn’tunderstandmydilemma.Forhim,wealth,power,andstatuswereallthatmattered.
“Ah,butIdoworry.”Ivanpuffedonhiscigarettewithasmallfrown.He’dslickedhishairbackandworeasuitandtieeventhoughhewasaloneinhisoffice,watchingastupiddramaaboutColdWarspies.Hewasalwaysconsciousofhisappearance,evenwhentherewasnooneelsearound.HeswitchedfromEnglishtoUkrainianforthenextpartofourconversation.“Youhavenotbeenactinglikeyourself.You’vebeendistracted.Unfocused.Carolinamentionedyouonlygointotheofficeafewdaysaweek,andyouleavebeforeseveneachtime.”
Itampeddownmyflareofirritation.“Myassistantshouldn’tbeblabbingaboutmyscheduletoothers.”
“I’mtheCEO,soshedidn’thavemuchchoice.”Ivanstubbedouthiscigaretteandleanedforward,hiseyesintense.“TellmeaboutAva.”
Tensionrocketeddownmyspineatthesoundofhernameonhislips.Ididn’thavetoaskhowheknewabouther—Iwasn’ttheonlyonewithspieseverywhere.“There’snothingtotell.She’sagoodlay,”Isaid,thewordspoisononmytongue.“That’sit.”
“Hmm.”Myunclelookedskeptical.“So,yourrevenge.That’sit?”Heswitchedtopicssoabruptlyittookmehalfasecondlongerthanusualtorespond.
“No.”Iwasn’tdonewiththemanI’ddestroyed.Notyet.“There’smore.”
Ihadonefinalaceupmysleeve.
Iwantedtotakeeverythingfromthemanwho’dtakeneverythingfromme.Hisbusiness,hisfamily,hislife.
AndIdid.Iwould.
Butwasitworthit?
“Good.Ithoughtyou’dgonesoft.”Ivansighedandstaredattheframedpictureonhisdeskofhimandmyfatherwhentheywereyoung.They’djustmovedtotheU.S.,andtheybothworecheap,happysuitsandmatchinghats.Whilemyunclelookedsternandserious,myfather’seyestwinkledlikehewasinonagrandsecretnooneelseknew.Mythroatsqueezedatthesight.“NeverforgetwhathappenedtoyourparentsandpoorlittleNina.Theydeserveallthejusticeintheworld.”
AsifIwouldeverforget.EvenifIdidn’thaveHSAM,thescenewouldforeverbeengravedinmymind.
“Don’tcheat!”IyelledovermyshoulderasIrantothebathroom.I’dhadtwoapplejuicesthismorning,andIwasabouttoburst.“I’llknow.”
“You’relosing,anyway!”mylittlesisterNinayelledback,causingmyparentstochuckle.
Istuckmytongueoutatherbeforeslammingthebathroomdoorbehindme.IwasannoyedI’dneverbeatenNinaatScrabbleforKids,eventhoughshewastwoyearsyoungerthanmeandIhada“genius”IQ,accordingtomyteachersandparents.She’dalwaysbeengoodatwords.Mamasaidshe’dprobablygrowuptobeawriter.
Iusedthetoiletandwashedmyhands.
Iwassupposedtobeataspecialcampforgiftedchildrenthissummer,butcampwassoboring.Alltheactivitiesweretooeasy;theonlyoneI’dlikedwaschess,butIcouldplaythatanywhere.Icomplainedtomyparents,whopulledmeoutyesterdayandbroughtmehome.
IwasdryingmyhandswhenIheardaloudbanginthedistance,followedbyshouts.
Iranbacktothelivingroom,whereIfoundmyparentsusheringNinatowardthesecretpassagewaybehindthefireplace.ThatwasonethingIlovedaboutourhouse—itwasfullofsecretpassagewaysandhiddencorners.NinaandIhadspentcountlesshoursexploringeverynookandcranny;itmadehideandseekmoreexciting,thatwasforsure.
“Alex,getinthere.Quick!”Mama’sfacewastightwithpanic.Shegrabbedmyarm,moreroughlythansheeverhadbefore,andpushedmeintothedarkness.
“What’sgoingon?Who’shere?”Myheartbeatafastrhythm.Iheardstrangevoices,andtheyweregettingcloser.
Ninacoweredinthepassageway,clutchingherbelovedcat,Smudges,toherchest.We’dstumbledonthestrayonedayduringafamilypicnicinthepark,andshecriedandbeggeduntilmyparentsagreedtoletherkeepitasapet.
“It’llbeokay.”Papahadaguninhishand.Healwayskeptoneinthehouse,butI’dneverseenhimuseit.Thesightofthatshinyblackmetalglintingbeneaththelightsmademybloodruncold.“Getintherewithyoursisterandmother,anddon’tmakeasound.Everythingwillbefine—Lucia,whatareyoudoing?”
MamaswungthepassagewayshutwhileNinaandIstaredwithwideeyes.
“I’mnotleavingyououtherealone,”shesaidfiercely.
“Dammit,Lucy.Youhaveto—”
ThesoundofavasecrashingtothefloorinterruptedPapaandstartledSmudges,whoyowledandbrokefreeofNina’sarms.Hedartedthroughthenarrowinggapbetweenthewallandpassagewaydoor.
“Smudges!”Ninayelled,scramblingafterhim.
Itriedtograbher,butshewriggledoutofmygraspandchasedafterhim.
“Nina,no,”Iwhisper-yelled,butitwastoolate.Shewasgone,andthedoorshut,envelopingmeindarkness.Isatthere,mybloodroaringinmyearswhilemyeyestriedtoadjusttothedark.
MamaandPapaputmeinhereforareason,andIdidn’twanttoworrythembyleaving.ButIalsoneededtoknowwhatwasgoingon,eventhoughsomethingscreamedatmetoturnaway,tocovermyeyesandhide.
I
washiding,butIwouldn’tcovermyeyes.
Thefireplacepassagewayhadapeepholedisguisedastheeyesinapaintingthathungabovethemantel.Iwasalittletooshort,butifIstoodontiptoesand
reallystretched,Icouldlookoutintothelivingroom.
WhatIsawmademybloodruncold.
Thereweretwostrangemeninthelivingroom.Theyworeskimasksandcarriedguns—biggerthantheonePapahad,whichnowlayathisfeet.OneofthosegunspointedatPapa,theotheratMamaandNina.MamacoveredNinaprotectivelywhilemysistercriedandhuggedSmudgestight.Thecatwasfreakingoutandyowlingatthetopofitslungs.
“Shutthatdamnthingup,”oneofthemengrowled.“OrI’lldoitforyou.”
Ninacriedharder.
“Takewhateveryouwant,”Papasaid,hisfacepale.“Justdon’thurtmyfamily.”
“Oh,we’lltakewhateverwewant,”thesecondman.“Unfortunately,Ican’tguaranteethesecondpart.Infact,let’smakethisquick,shallwe?Nousedraggingouttheinevitable.Wedon’tgetpaidbythehour,y’know.”
Agunshotrangout.Somewhere,MamaandNinascreamed.Ishould’vescreamedtoo,butIdidn’t.Icouldonlywatch,eyeswideandfrozen,legsburningfromhowlongandhardIstoodontiptoes,asabrightredstainblossomedonPapa’schest.Hestaggered,hismouthmovingbutformingnowords.Perhapshewould’vesurvivedoneshot,butthenanothergunshotrangout,andanother,andanother,untilPapa’sbig,strongbodythuddedtotheground.Itlaythere,stillandunmoving.
“It,”not“he.”Becausethecorpsewasn’tmyPapa.Ithadhisfaceandhairandskin,butPapawasgone.I’dseenhimleave,thelightfadingfromhiseyes.
“No!”Mamawailed.ShecrawledtowardPapa,butsheonlymadeithalfwaybeforeherbodyjerkedandhermouthfellopen.She,too,collapsed,herbloodstainingthefloors.
“Damn,whatd’youdothatfor?”thefirstmancomplained.“Iwantedtohavesomefunwithherfirst.”
“Bitchwasgettingonmynerves.Can’tstandallthewailing,andwe’rehereforajob,notyourdick,”thesecondmangrowled.
Thefirstmanscowledbutdidn’targue.
ThepairstaredatNina,whocriedsohardherfaceturnedbrightredandherbodyshookfromtheforceofhersobs.Smudgeshissedatthemen,itseyesglowingferociouslyinitstinyface.Itwasakitten,butinthatmoment,ithadallthetrappingsofalion.
“Tooyoung,”thefirstmansaidindisgust.
Thesecondmanignoredhim.“Sorry,kiddo,”hetoldNina.“Nothingpersonal.Yourbadluckforbeingbornintothisfamily.”
Mybloodroaredandroared.Liquiddrippeddownmywrist,andIrealizedI’ddugmynailsintomypalmssohardIwasbleeding.
Drip.Drip.Drip.
Eachdripsoundedlikeasonicboominthedark,crampedspace.Couldtheyhearit?Couldtheyhearme,crouchedbehindthefireplacelikeacowardwhiletheymurderedmyfamily?
Iwantedtorunout.Iwantedtojumponthemenandkickandclaw.Iwantedtobashtheirheadsinwiththeheavysculptureonthefireplacemantelandstripthefleshfromtheirbonespiecebypieceuntiltheybeggedfordeath.
ItwasthefirsttimeI’dhadsuchviolentthoughts.Mamawassweetandloving,andPapawastoughbutfair.Honorable.TheyhadraisedNinaandmetobethesame.
Butafterseeingwhatthosemendid,Iwantedtotorturethemslowly.Endlessly.
ExceptIcouldn’t.IfIwentoutthere,theywouldkillmetoo,andtherewouldbenovengeance.Nojustice.
Drip.Drip.Dripdripdrip.
Ibledfaster.Icouldn’tlookawayasthesecondmanraisedhisgunagainandfired.
Oneshot.Thatwasallittook.
Smudgeswentberserk.Heflewatthemen,hissingandclawing.Oneofthemcursedandtriedtokickhim,buthedodgedjustintime.
“Forgetaboutthedamncat,”thesecondmansnapped.“Let’sfinishthejobandgetouttahere.”
“Ifuckinghateanimals,”thefirstmanmutteredindisgust.“Hey,didn’thesaytherewasanotherkid?Where’sthelittlesnot?”
“Nothere.”Hispartnerglancedaround,hiseyesflickeringpastthefireplaceandsettlingonthesmall,fancyjadestatueonasidetable.“Atcamporsomething.”
“Shit,I’veneverbeentocamp.Youeverbeentocamp?I’vealwayswanted—”
“Shut.Up.”
Theysweptthroughthelivingroom,pilferingthemostvaluableitemsandputtingtheirfilthyhandsallovermyfamilybelongingsbeforetheyfinallyleftandsilencefell.
Mybreathraspedinthequiet.Iwaitedandwaited.WhenIwassuretheywouldn’tcomeback,Ipushedopentheheavypassagewaydoor,myfacereddeningfromtheeffort,andstumbledtowardthebodiesinthelivingroom.
Mama.Papa.Nina.
Ishouldcallthepolice.IalsoknewIshouldn’tdisturbthecrimescene,butthiswasmyfamily.ThiswasthelastchanceI’deverhavetoholdthem.
SoIdid.
Mybreathingslowed,myheadcleared
Ishouldfeelangry.
Ishouldfeelsad.
Ishouldfeel
something.
ButIdidn’t.Ididn’tfeelanythingatall.
Theclawingpressurearoundmynecktightened.Icouldn’tprotectthem.ThepeopleI’dlovedmostintheworld,andI’dbeenuseless.Helpless.Acoward.
IcouldtakerevengeallIwanted,butitwouldn’tchangethefactthattheyweregoneandIwashere.Me,themostfucked-upone.Iftherewaseverproofthattheuniversehadasicksenseofhumor,thiswasit.
“Ihavetogo,”myunclesaid,smoothinghishandoverhistie.“I’mmeetinganoldfriend.Areyoustayingfortheweekend?”
Iblinkedawaymymemoriesandnodded.
“Excellent.We’llplaychesswhenIgetback,hmm?”
Myunclewastheonlypersonwhocouldholdhisownagainstmeinchess.
“Ofcourse.”Irubbedmythumboverthewoundonmyhand.“Lookingforwardtoit.”
***
Aftermyuncleleft,
Ispentanhourinthehomegymworkingoffmyfrustrations,butsomethingniggledatme.
SomethingIvansaidandthewayhe’dsaidit…
I’mtheCEO,soshedidn’thavemuchchoice.
Whythehellwasmyunclecheckinginonme,andwhydidhewanttoknowmyschedulesobadhe’dthreatenCarolinafortheinformation?Shewasagoodassistant,andshewouldn’tdivulgetheinformationunlessshehadto.
Iturnedofftheshoweranddriedmyself,mymindrunningthroughthepossibilities.Ihadn’tgottenthisfarinlifewithoutlisteningtomyinstincts,soIgotdressed,pulledonapairofleathergloves,andreturnedtomyuncle’soffice.Hehadhiddensecuritycamerasinthere,butthetop-of-the-linejammerI’dboughtofftheblackmarkettookcareoftheminnotime.
Iwasn’tsurewhatIwaslookingfor,butafteranhourofsearching—includingforfalsedrawersandsecretcompartments—Ididn’tfindit.Samewentforhisbedroom.
PerhapsIwas
beingparanoid.
Mystomachgrowled,remindingmeIhadn’teatensincemycoffeeandbagelatbreakfast.Itwasnownearsunset.
Igaveuponmyuncle’sprivatequartersandwalkedtowardthekitchen.Ivanhadhiredahousekeeperwhocamebytwiceaweektocleanup,butotherwise,hehadnostaff;hewastooparanoidaboutcorporatespies,whomheclaimedcouldpopupanywhere.
Don’ttrustanyone,AlexIt’salwaysthepeopleyouleastexpectwho’llstabyouintheback.
Atthelastminute,Iveeredtowardthelibrary,myuncle’sfavoriteroominthehouse.Thesoaring,two-storyroomlookedlikesomethingoutofanEnglishmanor,withitsTiffanystainedglasslampsandwallofmahoganyshelvesgroaningbeneaththeweightofleather-boundtomes.SoftOrientalrugsmuffledthesoundofmyfootstepsasIwalkedaroundtheroom,examiningtheshelves.IhopedwhateverIwaslookingforwasn’thiddeninafakebook—therewerethousandsofbooksinhere.
Knowingmyuncle,though,hewouldn’tchooseanybook.He’dchoosesomethingwithsignificance.
Icheckedthesectionsforhisfavoriteauthors.FyodorDostoyevsky,TarasShevchenko,LeoTolstoy,AlexanderDovzhenko…hehadasoftspotforRussianandUkrainianclassics.Saidtheygroundedhiminhisroots.
Butno,allthebookswerereal.
Myeyesflittedovertherestofthelibraryandlandedonthelimited-editionchesssetinthecorner.Thepieceswerestillarrangedinthesamepatternfromourlastgame.
WhileIexaminedthesetandthesurroundingareaforanythingthatcouldgivecredencetomysuspicions,Iknockedagainstthetable,andapawntumbledtothefloor.
Icursedundermybreathandbenttopickitup.AsIdid,myeyessnaggedontheoutletbeneaththetable.Itwasasimple,ordinaryoutlet,except…
Mygazetraveledtotheleft.
Therewasanotheroutlet,lessthanafootaway.TheU.S.NationalElectricalCodestipulatedoutletsmustbepositionednomorethansixfeetapartmeasuredalongthefloorline,butitwasraretoseetwosoclosetogether.
Ipaused,listeningforanynoises—thepurrofmyuncle’sMercedespullingintothedriveway,thethudofhisfootstepsagainsttheparquetfloors.
Nothing.
Ifishedaheavy-dutypaperclipfromthelibrary’swritingdeskandcrawledunderthechesstable,bendingtheclipuntilitwasstraight.Ijiggledthescrewinthemiddleoftheoutlet,feelingridiculous,butmyinstinctsscreamedatmetocontinue.
JustwhenIwasabouttogiveup,theoutletpoppedopen,revealingastashofpapersinthewall.
Fakeoutlet.Ofcourse.
MyheartthuddedasIreachedforthepapers—rightasanengineroaredinthedistance.
Myunclewashome.
Iunfoldedthedocuments—letters,writtenintwofamiliarsetsofhandwriting.
Ispeed-readthem,unabletobelievemyeyes.
I’dexpectedcorporatepolitics.Boardroomfoulplay.Iwouldn’thavebeensurprisedifmyuncletriedtoholdontohisCEOposition,eventhoughIwassupposedtotakeoversoon.Butthis
?This,Ineversawcoming.
Thepuzzlepiecesinmybrainclickedintoplace,andastrangecocktailofbetrayal,fury,andreliefknottedinmygut.Betrayalandfuryovertherevelation;reliefthat—
Thefrontdoorbangedopen.Footsteps,comingcloser.
Ishovedthelettersintothewall,foldingthemthewayI’dfoundthem,andscrewedtheoutletcoverbackon.Icrawledoutfrombeneaththetable,placedthepawninthesamepositionit’dbeeninbeforeIknockeditover,andpocketedboththepaperclipandmygloves,whichweresleekenoughthattheydidn’tcreateavisiblebulgeinmypants.
IpluckedTheCountofMonteCristo
byAlexanderDumas—oneofmyfavoritebooks—offtheshelfonmywaytothedoor.
“Alex,”myunclesaidwhenhesawmeinthehall.Hechuckled.“Dumasagain?Youcan’tgetenoughofthatbook.”
Ismiled.“No,Ican’t.”
Allthewhile,mybloodraged.32
Ava
Hewaslate.
Itappedmyfingersonthetable,tryingnottocheckthetimeonmyphone.Again.
AlexandIhadagreedtomeetattheItalianrestaurantnearcampusatseven.Itwasnowseven-thirty,andallmytextsandcallshadgoneunanswered.
Halfanhourwasn’tthatlong,especiallywhenyoutookrushhourtrafficintoaccount,butAlexwasneverlate.Andhealways,alwaysansweredmymessages.
I’dcalledhisoffice,buthisassistanttoldmehe’dleftanhourago,soheshould
beherebynow.
Worryunspooledinmystomachandgnawedatmyinsides.
Hadsomethinghappenedtohim?Whatifhe’dgottenintoanaccident?
ItwaseasytothinkofAlexasinvincible,buthebledandhurtlikeanyoneelse.
Tenmoreminutes.
I’llgivehimtenmoreminutes,andthenI’ll…hell,Idon’tknow.Sendoutthefreakin’NationalGuard.Ifhewashurt,Iwouldn’tsithereanddonothing.
“CanIgetyouanything,dear?”Thewaitressswoopedbyagain.“Otherthanwater,”sheaddedpointedly.
Thetipsofmyearsturnedred.“No,thanks.I’m,um,stillwaitingformyfriend.”ThatseemedslightlylesspatheticthanadmittingIwaswaitingformyboyfriend.
Slightly.
Sheletoutanaggrievedsighandmovedontotheoldercouplenexttome.
IfeltbadabouthoggingthetableonaFridaynight,butI’dbarelyseenAlexoverthepastweek,andImissedhim.Wesleptinthesamebedeverynight,andoursexwasasexplosiveasever,butheseemedmoredistantduringtheday.Distracted.
“Ava?”
Myheadjerkedup,andmychestdeflatedwhenIrealizeditwasn’tAlex.
“Rememberme?”Theguysmiled.Hewascuteinageek-chicway,withblack-rimmedglassesandlongishbrownhair.“I’mElliott.WemetatLiam’sbirthdaypartylastspring.”
“Ah,right.”IsuppressedaflinchatthesoundofLiam’sname.Ihadn’tseenorheardfromhimsincethecharityball,butJules—evertunedintothegossip—informedmehe’dgottenfiredandhadmovedbacktohisparents’houseinVirginia.Icouldn’tsayIfeltsorryforhim.“Nicetoseeyouagain.”
“You,too.”Elliottrananawkwardhandthroughhishair.“Hey,sorryaboutwhathappenedwithLiam.Wehaven’tkeptintouchsincewegraduated,butIheardaboutyourbreakupand,uh…whathappened.Hewasarealjerk.”
“Thanks.”Icouldn’tblamehimforbeingLiam’sfriend.Ex-friend?
Iwastheonewho’ddatedtheasshole,andguysusuallytreatedtheirfriendsbetterthantheydidtheirgirlfriends.Itwasasadtruth.
“Sorrytobotheryouduringdinner—”Hisgazeflickedtomywaterglass.“ButI’mlookingforaphotographerwhocandoanengagementshootforme,andnoneoftheonesIcheckedoutfitwhatSally,myfiancée,islookingfor.ButIsawyouandrememberedyou’reaphotographer,soIfiguredit’sasign.”Elliottflashedasheepishsmile.“Hopethisdoesn’tsoundcreepy,butIpulledupyourwebsiteandshowedittoSally,andsheloves
yourpictures.Ifyou’refreeinthenextfewweeks,we’dlovetohireyou.”
Ispottedaprettyblondeataneighboringtablewatchingus.Shegrinnedandwavedatme.Iwavedback.
“Congrats,”Isaid,mysmilegenuinethistime.“I’dlovetohelp.Givemeyournumber,andwecansortoutdetailslater.”
Whileweexchangedcontactinformation,anicyvoiceslicedthroughthedinoftherestaurant.
“You’reinmyway.”
AlexstoodbehindElliott,pinninghimwithaglaresodarkIwassurprisedthepoormandidn’tdisintegrateintoashes.
“Oh,sorry—”
“Whyareyougettingmygirlfriend’snumber?”
Elliottshotmeanervousglance,andIclenchedmyjaw.Seriously?
Alexwasalmostanhourlate,andhehadthenervetoactlikeajealousasstheminuteheshowedup?
“He’saclient,”Isaid,strugglingtoremaincalm.“Elliott,I’llcallyoulater,okay?Congratulationsagainonyourengagement
.”Iemphasizedthelastword.Alex’sfrowneasedasmidge,buthedidn’tfullyrelaxuntilElliottranbacktohistable.
“Whatthehellwasthat?”Idemanded.
“Whatwaswhat?”Alexslidintohisseat.
“You’relate,andyouwererudetoElliottfornoreason.”
Hesnappedhisnapkinopenandplaceditinhislap.“Ihadurgentbusinesstotakecareof,andmyphonedied,soIcouldn’tcallyou.AsforElliott
,Ishowedupandsawsomerandomguyflirtingwithmygirlfriend.Howdidyouexpectmetoreact?”
“He.Wasn’t.Flirting.With.Me.”Iexhaledalongbreath.Thiswasn’thowI’dpicturedtheeveninggoing.“Look,Idon’twanttofight.Thisisthefirsttimewe’vehadamealtogetherinoveraweek,andIwanttoenjoyit.”
“Metoo.”Alex’sfacesoftened.“I’msorryI’mlate.I’llmakeituptoyou.”
“Youbetter.”
Hislipsquirked.
Weplacedourorders,thewaitresslookingmuchhappierafterAlexorderedthemostexpensivewhitewineonthemenu.Icouldn’tdrinkredormyfacewouldexplode.IblamemyAsiangenes—onesipofalcohol,especiallyredwine,andIturnthecolorofatomato.
IwaiteduntiltheserverbroughtoutourentreesbeforeIrevealedmybignews.“Iheardbackfromthephotographyfellowshiptoday.”
Alex’sforkpausedhalfwaytohismouth.
“Igotin.”Ibitmylowerlip,mychestwildwiththedrumbeatofexcitementandnerves.“NewYork.Igotin.”
“Iknewyouwould.”Simpleandmatteroffact,likehe’dneverdoubtedme,butAlex’seyesshonewithpride.“Congratulations,Sunshine.”
Heleanedacrossthetableandpressedakisstomylips.IwassogiddyIcouldn’tstopgrinning,andmyearlierirritationmeltedaway.Sowhatifhe’dbeenalittlelate?Igotin!
I’dnearlydroppedmyphonewhenIreceivedtheemailthismorning.I’dhadtorereaditseveraltimesbeforethewordssunkin.
I,AvaChen,wasgoingtobeaWorldYouthPhotographyfellow.IwouldspendayearinNewYork,studyingwiththeworld’sbestphotographers.MyonlyregretwasnotbeingabletostudyunderDianeLange,whotaughttheLondoncohort,becausewhileI’dmadeprogresswithmyaquaphobia,Iwasn’treadytoflyoveranoceanyet.
Butthatwasokay.I’dmeetheroneday.Inthemeantime,I’dworkonhoningmycraftandholycrap,IwasgoingtobeaWYPfellow!
Oneofthemostprestigioushonorsintheindustry.
Myheartsoaredbeforerealitydraggedmedown.
“I’llbeinNewYork,”IsaidafterAlexandIbrokeapart.“You’llbeinD.C.”
“No,Iwon’t.”Hiseyesgleamedatmyquestioninglook.“ArcherGrouphasanofficeinManhattan.”
Myhopefulheartflappeditswingsagain.“Butyou’vebuiltyourbasehere.Yourhouse,yourfriends…”
“It’snotmyhouse;it’sJosh’s.I’msafekeepingitforhim.AndmostofthepeopleIknowhereareacquaintances,notfriends.”Alexliftedhisshoulderinanelegantshrug.“It’sasimpleequation,Sunshine.Ifyou’reinNewYork,I’minNewYork.”
Thelastvestigesofmyhesitationfloatedaway.Igrinned,sohappyIcoulddancerighthereinthemiddleofacrowdedrestaurant.“Youknowhow—”
Somethingbuzzed.Alexstiffened,andmyeyesdroppedtohiscoatpocket,whichbuzzedagain.
Mygrinfaded.“Yousaidyourphonedied.”
Justlikethat,thetensionreturned,simmeringintheairuntilitbecameafull-onboil.
Thenightwasanemotionalrollercoaster,andIcouldn’tkeepup.
“Ichargeditinthecar.”Alexsippedhiswine,hisshoulderstense.
“Butyoudidn’treplytoanyofmymessagesorcalls.”Ituckedmyhandsbeneathmythighs,suddenlycoldeventhoughtheheatwason.“Whywereyoureallylate,Alex?”
“Itoldyou,Ihadurgentbusinesstotakecareof.”
“That’snotgoodenough.”
“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetotellyou.”
“Thetruth!
”Iloweredmyvoicewhenthedinersatthenexttableshotmeanalarmedlook.“That’sallIwant.Please.Myfath—Michaelliedtomemyentirelife,andIdon’twantyoutostart.”
AshadowpassedoverAlex’sfacebeforeitdisappeared.“Iwon’tlieunlessthetruthhurtsyou.”
Myteethclenched.“Alex—”
“Plausibledeniabilityexistsforareason,Sunshine.”Hecutintohispastawithmoreforcethannecessary.
“Whatdidyoudo?”Iwhispered.
Alextightenedhisgriponhisfork.“I’mnotalwaysagoodperson.Idon’talwaysdotherightthing.Youknowthat,evenifyouseemdeterminedtoseethegoodinme.Iwon’t—”Hereleasedapent-upbreath,lookingfrustrated.“Justdropit,Ava.Foryourownsake.”
“Sure.I’lldropit.”Itossedmynapkinonthetable,myownfrustrationboilingover.“I’malsoleaving.I’velostmyappetite.”
“Sunshine—”Hereachedforme,butIshruggedhimoffandranoutbeforehecouldstopme.
MychestfelttightasIspeed-walkedhome.Whatshould’vebeenoneofthebestnightsofmylifehadturnedintooneoftheworst.33
Alex
Ipaid
andlefttherestaurantimmediatelyafterAva.Shehadn’tgottenfar,andIfolloweddiscreetlytomakesureshegothomesafebeforeIdrovebacktoD.C.
Ihatedseeingherupset,especiallyonanightwhenweshould’vebeencelebratinginsteadoffighting.Iwantedtorunafterherandapologizeforbeinganass,buttheclockwasticking,andIneededtofinishwhatI’dstarted.
OnlythencouldIputthepastbehindme,onceandforall.
Istaredatmycomputerscreen,watchingtheminutestickby.11:55p.m
.I’dgiventhemanamidnightdeadline.
11:56p.m.
Ihadn’t
toldAvathetruth…aboutmanythings.Ididn’thaveurgentbusinesstotakecareofbeforedinner,atleastnonerelevanttoArcherGroup.Instead,I’dbeentalkingtomyfamily’skillers’killer.
Thepolicehadruledmyparents’andsister’smurdersasahomeinvasiongonewrong,butIknewbetter.Themenhadsaiditwasajobandmentioneda“he,”someonewhoknewIwassupposedtobeatcampthatsummer,thoughthatwassomethinganyonewithinternetaccessandabaremodicumofcomputerskillscouldfigureout—thecamppostedalistofitsattendeesonlineeveryyear
I’dkepttheknowledgeoftheirtruemotivestomyselfthough.I’dbeenyoung,butoldenoughtoknowthecriminaljusticesystemwouldn’tdeliverthetypeofjusticeIcraved:totalannihilation.
SoI’dwaited.
11:57p.m.
MyunclewastheonlypersonI’dtold.He,too,hadn’tbelieveditwasasimpleinvasion.
ButthepolicecaughttheculpritsafewdayslaterthankstostreetsecurityfootagethatID’edtheirlicenseplate,andthey’dconfirmeditwasahomeinvasion.The“burglars”saidtheyhadn’twantedtoleavewitnesses,sothey’dkilledeveryone.Theyalsohadn’tmadeittotrialbeforethey“mysteriously”diedinjail.
Myuncledidsomediggingandfoundthemanwho’dhiredthekillers’killer.Apparently,hewasoneofmyfather’sbusinessrivalsandhadahistoryofshadydealingsandruthlesspractices.Bylogic,hehadtohavebeentheonewho’dorderedthehitonmyfamilytoo.
I’dspenteverysecondofmylifesinceplottinghisdownfall.
11:58p.m.
I’dbeenakid,andI’dtrustedmyuncle,butwhatI’dreadinthelibrarythreweverythingIknewabouthimoutthewindow.
Avawasright—I’dbeendistractedthispastweek,busywithmychessgame.Nottheunfinishedonewithmyuncleinthelibrary,buttheoneplayingoutinreallife.
I’dhadmytechguyhackintoIvan’sfinancialrecordsdatingbacktomyfamily’sdeathsandpaidhimaheftysumtoworkdayandnightuntilhefoundwhatI’dexpectedtofindallalong.Alargesumofmoneyhadbeenwiredfromoneofmyuncle’ssecretoffshoreaccountstoananonymousaccounttwodaysbeforemyfamily’sdeath,andanotherequalsumhadbeensentthedayafter.Anevenlargeramounthadbeensenttoasecondanonymousaccountthedayafterthe“burglars”died.
I’dpaidthehackeranothereye-wateringsumtotrackdownthesecondkiller.He’dcontactedmewhenIwasonmywaytomeetAva,sayinghe’dlocatedtheperson,anotoriouskillerforhirewhowentbythenameofFalcon.They’dapparentlyretired,butIdidn’tneedtheir“skills.”Ionlyneededaname.
Asagestureofgoodwill,I’dwiredFalcontwenty-fivepercentofthefiftygrandI’dpromisedthemiftheywouldconfirmwhohiredthemtokilltheburglars.
Now,Iwaited.
11:59p.m.
IstaredattheblankblackscreenofVortex,afullyencryptedmessagingsitepopularamongstthoseinthecriminalunderworld.Unhackableanduntraceable,itwaswheremostoftheworld’sseediesttransactionstookplace.
Achillwhippedaroundme.
Ihadn’tbotheredtoturntheheateron.I’dboughtthishouseinD.C.underashellcompanynamebecauseIwantedaplacewhereIcouldcarryoutmymoreillicitactivitieswithoutanyoneknowing,notevenmyuncle.ItboastedasecuritysystemthePentagonwouldbejealousof,includingahiddenjammerthatdisabledallelectronicdevicesinsidethehouseunlessyouhadthecode,whichonlyIknew.
12:00a.m.
Anewmessageflashedonscreen.
Midnightonthedot.Gottaappreciateapunctualkiller.
Ireadthemessagecalmly,mybloodcolderthanthechillcreepingalongthefloorboardsandbarewalls.
Nogreeting,noquestions.Justaname,likeI’drequested.
IwiredtherestofthemoneytotheFalconandsatthereinthedark,mullingoverthenews.
Iknew.OfcourseIknew.Alltheevidencehadpointedtoit,butnowIhadmyconfirmation.
Themanresponsibleformyfamily’sdeathwasn’tMichaelChen,Ava’sfather.
ItwasIvanVolkov,myuncle.34
Alex
Imadepancakes.
Irarelycooked—whywastemytimedoingsomethingIdidn’tenjoyandwhichIcouldpayotherpeopletodo?ButImadeanexceptiontoday.Iwaswaitingforavisitor,andIdidn’twanttomissthembyeatingout.
Thedoorbellrang.
9:07a.m.,accordingtotheclockonmymicrowave.EarlierthanI’dexpected,whichmeanthewaseager.
IshutoffthestoveandsippedmyteaasIansweredthedoor.WhenIdid,Ihadtomaskmysurprise.
NotwhoIwasexpecting.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Sunshine?”
Notthewarmestgreeting,butsheneededtoleavebeforehearrived.
Mildpanicshotthroughmeatthethoughtofthemmeeting.
Avafrowned.Shelookedexhausted,andIwonderedifshewashavingnightmaresagain.They’deasedsincesherecoveredhermemories,buttheystillpoppedupfromtimetotime.
Worryandguiltwashedoverme.Wehadn’tspokenindays.Shewasstillangrywithme,andI’dbeencaughtupinmyplans.ItwashardtoconveneacorporateboardtheweekbeforeChristmas—insecret,noless—butIheldenoughblackmailinfoovereverymemberthatthey’dacquiescedtomyrequest.
“Weneedtotalk.Aboutus,”Avasaid.
Notwordsanymanwantstohearcomeoutofhisgirlfriend’smouth,especiallywhenheandsaidgirlfriendwereonrockyground.Icouldn’twaituntilthismesswithmyunclewasoversoIcouldgivehertheattentionshedeserved.
Asformytwistedandapparentlyill-placedrevengeplanagainsther“father”…thatwasaconfessionforanotherday.
IfIeverconfessed.
MichaelChenwasasociopathicbastardevenifhehadn’tplottedmyfamily’smurder,andIwastemptedtofollowthroughwithmyoriginalplantohiresomeonetooffhiminprison.ButIwouldn’t…yet.
“Canwetalklater?”AfamiliargrayMercedescameintoview,andmymusclestensed.“Nowisn’tagoodtime.”
Avashookherhead.“It’sbeenaweek,Christmasisintwodays,andI’mtiredofustiptoeingaroundeachother.You’vebeenactingweirdforawhilenow,andIdeservetoknowwhat’sgoingon.Ifyoudon’twanttobewithmeanylonger—”Sheexhaledasharpbreath,herfacetintingred.“Justtellme.Don’tstringmealong.”
Goddamnit.
IfonlyJoshhadcomehomeforChristmaslikehe’dplanned,hewould’vekeptAvaaway.Butthere’dbeenanearthquakeinhisvolunteerregion—hewasokay,thankGod—andthepeopleneededallthemedicalhelptheycouldgetintheaftermath,sohe’dstayed.I’ddonatedaheftysumtohelpwithhisorganization’sexpensesaswell.Partlyoutofcharity,mostlyoutofguilt.
Avawasn’ttheonlyChenI’dfuckedoverthesepastfewyears.
Myuncleparkedandgotoutofhiscar,hisfacethunderous.
Mygriptightenedaroundmymug.
“OfcourseIwanttobewithyou,”IsaidinalowvoicewhilekeepinganeyeonIvan.“I’llalwayswanttobewithyou.ButI—”
“Alex.”Myuncle’spleasanttonebeliedthefurysimmeringinhiseyes.WhenAvaturned,startled,hesmoothedhisfaceintoagracioussmile.“Who’sthislovelycreature?”
Ifthemugwereglass,itwould’vecrackedbynow.
“Ava,UncleIvan,”Iresponded,voiceclipped.
“Ah,theinfamousAva.Howlovelytomeetyou,dear.”
Shesmiled,lookinguncomfortable.“Ididn’trealizeyouwereexpectingcompany,”shetoldme.“Um,you’reright.Wecantalklater—”
“Nonsense.I’mjusthereforafriendlychatwithmynephew.”IvanplacedahandonAva’sbackandguidedherintothehouse.Getyourfuckinghandsoffher.
Angerstreakedthroughme,butItampeditdown.
Icouldn’tlosemycool.Notnow.
Wesettledinthediningroom—AvaandIononeside,Ivanontheother.Tensionlacedtheair.
“Anyonewantadrink?”Isetmynear-emptymugonthetable.“Tea?Hotchocolate?”
Avashookherhead.“No,thanks.”
“Greenteaforme.”Ivanpattedhisstomach.IreturnedafewminuteslaterwithhisdrinkandfoundhimindeepconversationwithAva.
“…Thanksgivingweekend?”Myuncletooktheteafrommewithanoilysmile.“Alex,AvawastellingmeabouthowyouspentyourThanksgiving.HeloveshisholidayswiththeChens,”hetoldher.“Hefindsthemso…enlightening.”
MymusclesburnedfromhowtenseIwaswhileAvareturnedhissmilewithherownuncertainone.
“WhatcanIdoforyou,uncle?”Iasked,takingmyseatwithcarefulnonchalance.“Itmustbeimportantifyou’reherethisearly.LongdrivefromPhilly.”
“Iwantedtocongratulatemyfavoritenephew.”Ivan’ssmiletightened.Ididn’tbotherpointingoutIwashisonly
nephew.“Ava,dear,didyouknowyou’resittingnexttothenewCEOofArcherGroup?”
IbetrayednoemotionwhileAva’sheadwhippedtowardme,hereyeswide.
“Myunclegraciouslysteppedaside,”Isaid.IaddressedIvan.“I’mgratefulforyourtutelageandalltheyearsyou’vededicatedtothecompany,butnowyoucanretireandindulgeinfishing,crosswordpuzzles,TVdramas…alifeofleisure,justlikeyoudeserve.”
“Yes,”hesaidcoldly.“I’mlookingforwardtoit.”
Itwasallbullshit,thisshowwewereputtingon.Myuncledidn’tresign,thoughthatwouldbetheofficialstorywefedtothepress.He’dtoppledfrompowerthankstothesecretboardroomcoupI’dspentthepastweekexecuting.I’dhadtousemoredirtytricksthanusualtogetitdoneinsuchashorttime,butangeristheworld’sgreatestmotivator.
IwasnowCEOofArcherGroup,andIvanwasnothing.AfterIfinishedwithhim,hewouldn’thave
anything,either.
“Congratulations.That’samazing.”Avalookedgenuinelyhappyforme,butshealsosoundedconfusedandalittlehurt,probablybecauseIhadn’tmentionedsomethingsohugetoher.Thenagain,thechangeoverhadn’tbeenofficialuntilyesterdayafternoon.NodoubttheboardnotifiedIvan,andhe’ddrivenherefirstthinginthemorning,intentonreamingmeout.
Hedidn’ttakehiseyesoffmeashesaid,“YouandAvashouldvisitoneday.I’manoldmanwhodoesn’thavemanyfriends,andIdon’tliketoleavethehousemuch.”Hechuckled.“I’mabitparanoidaboutsecurity,yousee.Ihavecamerasallovermyhome—myoffice,thekitchen…thelibrary.Irarelygothroughallthetapes,but—”Hesippedhistea.“What’samanwithtoomuchfreetimetodo?”
Ireadbetweenthelinesinaninstant.
Fuck.
HowhadImissedthecamerasinthelibrary?I’djammedtheonesinhisbedroomandofficeandadjustedthemafterwardsotheydidn’tshowanysuspiciousmissingtimeperiods,butmyunclehadneverhadcamerasintheotherroomsbefore.Hemust’vecheckedthefeedstoseewhatI’dbeenuptoafterhereceivedwordofthecoup.
He’dgrownmoreparanoid—andI’dgrownmorelax.
Iwouldn’tmakethatmistakeagain.
IvanandIstaredateachother.Thejigwasup.HeknewI’dseenthelettersbetweenhimandmymother—theoneswherehe’dprofessedhisloveandbeggedhertoleavemyfather,theoneswhereshe’drebuffedhimuntilhegrewmoreandmoreaggressiveandshehadtothreatenhimwitharestrainingorder…theoneswherehepromisedshewouldregretspurninghim.
OnceIhadthatpieceofinformation,therestofthepuzzlefellintoplace—whymyfatherandIvanfellout,howtheburglarsknewsomuchaboutourfamily,whymyunclesometimesgotaweirdlookonhisfacewhenwetalkedaboutmyparents..I’dknownallalonghownarcissisticmyunclecouldbe,andmymother’srejectionmust’vehithard—hardenoughthathe’dplothisownbrother’sdeath.
Thatdidn’texplainwhyhechoseMichaelChenasthescapegoat,butI’dfigureitout.Iwouldn’tstopuntilI’dpeeledbackeverylayerofIvan’sdeceptionandstrangledhimwiththem.
InowunderstoodhowAvafelt.I’dbeenliedtomostofmylifetoo,onlymyreactionwasfarlessbenignthanhers.
“Um,sure.”Avaglancedatme.“We’llvisitsomeday.”
Yes.Overmydeadbody.Or,tobemoreaccurate,myuncle’sdeadbody.
“Excellent.”Ivansethisemptymugonthetable.“Well,IthinkI’veoverstayedmywelcome.I’llleaveyoukidsalone.Alex,I’msurewe’lltalksoon.”
“I’msurewewill,”Idrawled.
Afterheleft,AvaandIsatinsilence,eyeingeachotherwarily.Iwantedtopullhertome,kissherandreassureher,buteverythinghadgottensofuckingcomplicated.Nottomention,shestilldidn’tknowthetruthaboutmeandwhatIdid.
Shewon’tfindout.
Theonlyotherpersonwhoknewwasmyuncle,andhewouldbeoutofthepicturesoon.
Abetterpersonwouldtellherthetruth,butI’dratherbethevillainwithherbymysidethantheherowhoriskedlosingherbecauseofamisguidedsenseofmorality.
Whatshedoesn’tknowwon’thurther.
“YouruncleisnotwhatIexpected,”shefinallysaid.“He’svery…slick.”
Thatpulledasmallsmileoutofme.Shedidn’tlikehim,either.Attagirl.
“Whydidn’tyoutellmeaboutyourpromotion?”sheasked.“That’shugenews!Weshould’vecelebratedorsomething.”
“Itwasn’tofficialuntilyesterday.ThoughtI’dannounceitasaChristmassurprise.”Thatwaspartlytrue.
Avasighed,herexpressiongrowingsad.“Imissyou,Alex.”
God,thisgirl.Shehadnocluewhatshedidtome.“Imissyoutoo,Sunshine.”Iopenedmyarms,andsheclimbedintomylap,wrappingherarmsaroundmyneck.Ibreathedinherscent,myheartaching.Iwantedtokeepherhere,safeandcherished,forever.Fucktherestoftheworld.ItcouldburnforallIcared.
“Idon’twanttofight,but…”Herbottomlipdisappearedbetweenherteeth.“Youhave
beenactingstrangelately.Ifsomethingiswrong,youknowyoucantellmeandwe’llfigureitouttogether,right?”
“Iknow.”Howwasshesoamazing?Anyonewho’dgonethroughwhatshehadwould’velockedthemselvesawayfromtherestoftheworldbynow,butnotAva.Shewasalwaysthinkingofothers.
Ididn’tdeserveher.
“IsitbecauseItoldyouI—”Shepaused,pinkblossomingonhercheeks.“Ilovedyou?”
“Ofcoursenot.”Itightenedmyholdandkissedher.“YouknowI’ddoanythingforyou.”
“Okay,becauseyoustartedactingweirdrightafter…”
“It’swork,”Ilied.“I’vebeenstressedabouttheCEOtransition.”Alsopartlytrue.
ItwasatestamenttoAva’strustthatshetookmywordsatfacevalue.“You’llbeagreatCEO.”Shebrushedherlipsoverasensitivespotonmyneck,andmycockjumpedwithinterest.Ihadn’ttouchedherinaweek,andIwasdyingtotieherdownandhavemywaywithher.“Now,howaboutwealleviatethatstress…”
Irespondedwithawickedgrin.“Ilikethewayyouthink.”
ButasIcarriedherupstairsandfuckedherineverypositionuntilshecouldn’tscreamanymore,thesenseofimpendingdoomhoveringovermeremained.35
Alex
Myworldcrashed
downtwoweeksaftermyuncle’svisit
IwasdrivingtoworkwhenIreceivedacallfromIvan“requesting”IvisithimASAP.He’dbeensuspiciouslyquietsincehewasdethronedasCEO,butIknewwhy.Ialsoknewwhyhe’daskedforavisit—I’dbeenexpectingit.
IcalledmyassistantandtoldhertocanceltherestofmymeetingsforthedayandmadeittoPhiladelphiaintwohoursflat.
IslowedmystepsasIwalkedupthestairstomyuncle’soffice,surehehadcamerasmonitoringmyeverymovesinceIpulleduptotheestate’sgates.
Ifoundhimsittingbehindhisdesk,watchinghisbelovedRussiandramaontheTV.
“Hello,uncle.”Ileanedagainstthewallandstuffedmyhandsinmypockets,thepictureofcasualindifference
Ivan’seyetwitched.“Soyoufinallymadeit,youlittleshit.”
Isuppressedasmile.Myunclerarelycursed;hemusthavebeenoutofhismindwithanger.Icouldseewhy;helookedhorrible.Ispottedabaldspotinhishair,aswellasscalyredpatchesandafewnasty-lookingpustulareruptionsonhisskin.Hisfacelookedhaggard,hiscomplexionwan.
Forsomeoneasvainasmyuncle,thedeteriorationofhislooksmustbealivingnightmare.
“I’llalwaysmaketimetovisitmyfavoriteuncle.”Myonly
uncle,thoughnotformuchlonger.“Youdon’tlooksowell.Stressedoverlosingyourjob?”
Amuscletickedinhisjaw.“You’rehandingtheCEOpositionbacktome.”
Ialmostlaughedoutloud.“WhywouldIdothat?”
“Because.”Ivanleanedbackandlacedhishandsoverhisstomach.“Ihavesomethingyouwant,andIhaveafeelingyou’lldoanythingtogetitback—includingresigningfromArcherGroup,reinstatingmeasCEO,andwiringmefiftymilliondollars.Fortheemotionaldistress,”heexplained.
HismentalfacilitiesmustbedeterioratingfasterthanhisphysicalappearanceifhethoughtIwoulddoany
ofthosethings.
“Sureyoudo,”Isaidindulgently.“Let’sseewhatthismagical‘something’isfirst.”
“DidIsay‘something’?”Ivan’seyesglowedwithmalice.“Imeant‘someone.’Bringthemin.”HebarkedthelaststatementinRussian.
Therewasascuffleoutsidethedoor,andmybloodrancoldwhenamassivemanincamopantsanddogtagsentered,draggingtwoboundandgaggedgirlsbehindhim.
AvaandBridget.
Theystaredatme,fearstampedoneveryinchoftheirfaces.
Ittookeveryounceofwillpowernottodisplayavisiblereaction.
“Isee,”Isaidinaboredvoice.“Sorry,Uncle,butIdon’tseeanything—oranyone—thatwouldmakemeconsidergivingyoudogshit,muchlessfiftymilliondollars.”
AsmallcutmarredAva’sface.Tearsstainedhercheeks,andshestaredatmewithwideeyes,herdistressevident.BruisesmarkedherarmsfromwhereCamograbbedher,andIglimpsedred,chafedskinfromwheretheropedugintoherwrists.
Ava.Hurt.
Wild,all-consumingangereruptedinmystomachuntilitfilledeveryinchofmybeing.
IstaredatCamo,andhestaredback,smugnessoozingfromhisuglymug.
Notformuchlonger.
Hewasgoingtodietoday.Slowly.Painfully.
Iwaspleasedtonotehehadseveralcutsandbruisesofhisown.AvaandBridgethadclearlyputupafight,butthatdidn’tmatter.
He’ddaredtouchwhatwasmine,andforthat,I’dmakehimbegforsomethingassweetasdeath.
TheguardI’dhiredtolookafterAvaincasemyunclepulledshitlikethis?Hewoulddietooforfailingathisjob.
BesideAva,Bridgetshifted,herfacepale.ThesmallmovementpromptedCamotoyankherarminwarning,buttohercredit,shedidn’tflinch.Instead,sheglaredathim,hergazeflinty.
Theregalprincess,evenwhenkidnapped.
Speakingofwhich,wherethefuckwasher
bodyguard?Rhyswasanex-NavySEAL.HeshouldbemorecompetentthantheapparentmoronI’dhired.
Ididn’thavetimetodwellonthatquestion.Ishiftedmyattentionbacktomyuncle,whoworeaknowingsmirk.
“Youcan’tfoolme,Alex,”hesaid,hisvoicethinandreedy.“Isawthewayyoulookedather.She’sthereasonyoupulledyourpuncheswiththerevengeplan.Youloveher.Butwillsheloveyouaftershefindsoutwhatyoudid?”
Athickpressurecircledmyneck,squeezing.Mybreathquickened.
Iknewwhatmyunclewasdoing.Hewasforcingmetoconfess—thebiggestlieI’devertold,theworstthingI’deverdone.HewantedAvatohateme.
Andtheworstpartwas,Ihadtodoit.Iwouldgiveherupifitmeantsavingher.
“That’swhereyou’rewrong,”Idrawled,keepingmygazelockedonIvan’s.“Youunderestimateme,uncle.Shewasnevermorethanapawninmygame.WhydoyouthinkIpulledbackafterherfatherwenttojail?Shewasuselesstomeafterthat.Iadmit,thesexwasgood.”Ishrugged.“ThatwastheonlyreasonIdidn’tcutheroffentirely.”
IsawAva’sheadjerkupoutofthecornerofmyeye.
“Sorry,Sunshine.”Iforcedmyselftoinjectamockingliltintohernickname.“Thecat’soutofthebag,soImightaswelltellyouthewholestory.ThemanItoldyouabout,theonewhomurderedmyparents?Thatwasyourfather—well,fakefather.MichaelChen.”
Ava’seyespopped,andBridgetfinallystirred,hersharpintakeofbreathaudibleeventhroughhergag.
“Ialwaysknew.”Ipushedoffthewallandwalkedtowardher.Camotensedandsteppedinmydirection,butIvanwavedhimoffwithadelightedsmile.Hewasenjoyingthis,thatbastard.“YouthinkitwasacoincidencethatJoshandIwereassignedtothesameroomourfreshmanyear?Aheftybribewiththerightpersongoesfar,andthere’snobetterwaytodestroyyourenemythanfromtheinside.Iplayedthe‘deadparents’cardtogainhissympathyuntilheinvitedmeoverfortheholidays,andwhileeveryonewasasleep,Isnooped.Ibuggedyourhouse,wentthroughyourfather’sfiles…foundlotsofinterestinginformation.Whydoyouthinkhisbusinesstooksomanyhitsovertheyears?”
AtearrolleddownAva’scheek,butIkeptgoing.I’msorry,Sunshine.
“Idismantledhisempire,piecebypiece,andyouandJoshhadnoclue.”Iutteredasoftlaughevenasmychestburned.“Thisyearwasgoingtobethegrandfinale.Theyearinwhichmyplantotakedownhiscompanypubliclyandhumiliatinglycametogether.ButIneededonemorepieceofinformation,onemoreexcusetosearchthroughhisoffice.ThenJosh—myticketintoyourhouseeveryThanksgiving—announcedhewasvolunteeringinCentralAmerica.Mostinconvenient.Ineededanotherin.”Icuppedherfacewithonehand,knowingthismightbethelasttimeItouchedher.“That’swhereyouenterthepicture.Joshdidmostoftheheavyliftinghimselfwhenheaskedmetolookafteryou,butIplantedtheideaofmovingintohishouse.Afterall.”Ismiled,myheartslowlyshreddingitselfapart.“It’smucheasiertomakeyoufallinlovewithmewhenyouhavetoseemeeveryday.Andyoudid.Itwassoeasyitwasalmostembarrassing.Sweet,trustingAva,soeagertofixbrokenthings.Sodesperateforloveshe’dtakeitanywhereshecouldfindit.”
Sheshookherhead,herchestheaving.She’dstoppedcrying,buthereyesburnedwithangerandbetrayal.That’smygirl.Hateme.Don’tcryoverme.Nevercryoverme.I’mnotworthit.
“
ThatnightafterThanksgivingdinner?IfoundtheinformationIwaslookingfor,”Isaid.“Yourfathergotdesperateovertheyearsashisbusinesscrumbled,andhemadeafewbaddealswithbadpeople.Ihaditalllinedup…theFBIbust,themediacircus.”IleftoutthepartwhereI’dplannedtohaveMichaelkilledinprison.ThejurywasstilloutonwhetherI’dpullthatplug.“Butimaginemysurprisewhenyouregainedyourmemories.ItwaslikeanearlyChristmassurprise.IfIcouldn’tnailhimonthecorporatestuff,Icouldnailhimonattemptedmurder.Anditworked.Except…”Iturnedbacktomyuncle,whoseeyesgleamedwithmalice.“Iwaswrong.ItwasneverMichael.Wasit,uncle?”
Ivan’slipsstretchedintoathingrin.Heborenoresemblancetothemanwho’dbroughtmeintohishouseandtreatedmelikehisson—orsoIthought.Ittookyearstobuildarelationshipandasecondtodestroyone,andourshadbeenruinedbeyondrepair.
Don’ttrustanyone,AlexIt’salwaysthepeopleyouleastexpectwho’llstabyouintheback.
“That’sthebeautyofit,”hesaid,evenashewinced.Ireveledinthepleasureofthatsmallmovement—it’dbeentwoweeks;hemustbeinseriouspainbynow—evenasmyhearttoreitselfapartatthewayAvalookedlikeatme.Likeshedidn’tknowmeatall.
Insomeways,shedidn’t.
“Michaelwas
oneofyourfather’sbusinessrivalswhenAntonstartedexpandingintoMaryland.They’dnevergottenalong—AntonhatedthewayMichaelconductedbusiness,andMichaelhatedthatanyonedaredencroachon‘his’territory.Theyeventuallyreachedatruce,butMichaelmadeaneasyscapegoat.Itdidn’ttakemuchtoplant‘evidence’thatanimpressionableteenlikeyourselfwouldbelieve.”Ivancoughed.“You’reasmartkid,butyourdesireforvengeanceblindedyou.Ialwayshatedtheman,anyway.Hehumiliatedmeonceatapartyyourfatherinvitedhimtoasa‘gestureofgoodwill’—eventhoughItoldAntonnotto—andIwasn’tsurprisedtolearnMichael’sapsychopathaswell.”
“You’reonetotalk,”Isaidcoldly.Myunclewould
bederangedenoughtoholdontoagrudgeoversomeslightatapartythathappeneddecadesago.
I’dgonetopainstakinglengthstoensureMichaelwouldn’tknowofIvan’snormyconnectionwithmyfather,becausehewouldn’texactlywelcomethesonofthemanhe’dmurdered(orsoIthought)intohishome.I’dchangedourlastnamesanderasedanyevidencethatwouldtieustoAntonDudik.MyuncleandIhadbeenbornIvanandAlexDudik;wewerenowIvanandAlexVolkov.Iwasluckymyunclewassoparanoid—therewerefewpublicphotosortracesofhimbeforewestartedArcherGroup,whichmademyjobeasier.
Apparently,thathadallbeenfornaught,sinceMichaelhadalreadymetIvanandknewofhisconnectiontomyfather.Hehadn’tlikedme,buthealsohadn’tcaredabouthavingmeinhishouse,becausehewasn’tthemurderer.
Icouldn’tbelievemyunclepulledthewoolovermyeyesforsolong.Iwassupposedtobeagenius.Amasterstrategist.ButI’dfallenpreytothesamefailingasallotherhumans—believingthebestofsomeonesimplybecausetheywerethereforyouatyourworst.Hewasmyonlylivingrelativeleft,andI’dletthatcolormyperceptionofhim.
Now,becauseofmyfuckup,Avawashurt.
Mystomachclenched.Ikeptmygazeavertedfromher—ifIlookedather,Iwouldloseit,andIcouldn’taffordtoloseit.NotwithCamopointingagunatherandmyuncle’ssharpeyeswatchingeverything.Hemaybedying,butIwouldn’tunderestimatehimuntilhewassixfeetintheground.
“Icansaythesameforyou.”Ivanwincedagain,thoughhetriedtohideit.Ihopedthebastardsuffereduntilhislastbreathonearth.“You,me,Michael.We’reallcutfromthesamedarkcloth.We’rewillingtodowhateverittakestoachievewhatwewant.Iknewitwassmarttakingyouin,”hesaid.“Youweresograteful,andIcouldn’tletthatintellectofyoursgotowaste.We’vedonewellforourselves,haven’twe?”Hesweptanarmaroundhisgrandoffice.
“I
didwell.Youleechedoffmeliketheparasiteyouare.”
Ivancluckedindisappointment.“Isthatanywaytospeaktothemanwhokeptyoufrombeingputintothehorridfostersystem?Really,youshouldbemoregrateful.”
Hereallywasderanged.“Nowondermymomwantednothingtodowithyou,”Isaid.“Shemust’vesmelledthecrazyfromamileaway.”
Ivan’sfakesmilemelted,andhisfacetwitchedwithanger.“Yourmotherwasastupidwhore,”hespat.“Ilovedher,butsheturnedmedown—me,
theonewho’dbeenthereforherlongbeforeshemetyourfather—forna?ve,soft-heartedAnton.Iwaitedandwaitedforhertocometohersenses,butsheneverdid.”Hesnorted.“WhenshetoldAntonaboutmyletters,hestoppedspeakingtome.Wasn’tmanenoughtoconfrontmefacetoface,butheranhismouthtoourmutualfriends,allofwhomcutmeofftoo.”Hiseyesshonewithhatred.“Noone
crossesmelikethat.HetookwhatIlovedfromme,soItookwhathelovedfromhim.”
“Notwhat.Who,”Isaidthroughgrittedteeth.“Mymotherwasnotanobject.”
Ivancackled.“Oh,Alex,lovedidmakeyousoftafterall.”
Iclenchedmyjaw.“I’mnotinlove.”
“That’snotwhatalittlebirdietoldme.”Acoughrattledinhislungs.“IhadsomeinterestingconversationswithaprettylittleblondebythenameofMadeline.ShehadalottosayabouthowyoureactedwhenshepushedpoorAvaintoapool.”
Furyslicedthroughme.Madeline.
Ididn’tknowhowsheandmyunclemet,butIvanmust’vebeentrackingmelongerthanIthought.
Onceagain,Icursedmyselfforlettingmyguardslip.
Bythistimenextmonth,HaussIndustrieswouldbetoast.I’dmakesureofit.I’dalreadygatheredthekindlingafterthepoolincident;Ijustneededtosetitonfire.
“Allyouhavetodoisgivemethemoneyandposition,signacontractsayingyou’llnevercomeaftermeorholdcorporateofficeagain,andI’llletAvaandherlittlefriendgo,”Ivansaid.“It’sasimpletrade.”
IwonderedifheknewBridgetwasthePrincessofEldorra.Ifhedid,hewasanidiotfordraggingherintothis.Ifhedidn’t,hewasanidiotfornotdoinghisresearch.
AndifhethoughtI’dbelievehewouldletanyofusgoafterheallbutadmittedtomurderinfrontofus,hemustthinkI
wasanidiot.
Iweighedmyoptions.Ivanwouldn’tdoanythingtome,Ava,orBridgetuntilI’dwiredthemoneyandgivenhimbackhisposition,butthatwouldn’ttakelong.HeknewIhadtheboardundermythumb.IcouldmakehimCEOagainwithonecall.
“Tobeclear,thatwasn’tarequest,”Ivansaid.
Ismiled,thegearsinmybrainclickingintoplace.“Sure.Icanagreetoyourrequest—”Myunclesmirked.“—orIcansaveyourlife.Youchoose.”
Thesmirkdisappeared.“Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?”
Isteppedtowardhim.Camoraisedhisguninwarning,butIvanwavedhimoff,hisrheumyeyesnarrowingasIstaredpointedlyathisskin,hishair,andthewayhishandshookwithbarelyconcealedpain.
Realizationdawned.“How?”hegrowled.
Mysmileslashedacrossmyface.“Youwerequitethirstyafteryourdrivetomyhouseafewweeksago.”
“Thetea.”Ivan’sfacepinched.“Icheckedafterthesymptomsstartedshowing.Thedoctorssaid—”
“ThatyouhadGuillain-Barredisease?”Isighed.“Itisunfortunatethatthesymptomsaresosimilar.Butno,I’mafraidit’snotGuillain-Barre.”
“Whatdidyoudo,youlittleshit?”
AflashofmovementbehindCamo—visibleonlyfromwhereIstood—caughtmyeye.Ishowednoreactionevenasmymentalcalculationsadjustedtoaccountforthenewdevelopment.
“Youcanbuyanythingontheblackmarketthesedays,”Isaid,playingidlywiththeuglymonkeypaperweightonthedesk.“Includingdeadlypoisons.Theonecurrentlydestroyingyoursystem?Quitesimilartothallium.It’sodorless,tasteless,colorless.Hardtoidentifybecauseit’ssorare,anditssymptomsoftenpointtoarangeofotherillnesses.Butunlikethallium,ithasnowidelyknownantidote.Luckilyforyou,Uncle,thereis
asecretantidote—andIhaveavialstashedaway.”
Myuncletrembledwithrage.“HowdoIknowyou’renotlying?”
Ishrugged.“Guessyou’llhavetotrustme.”
Threethingshappenedatonce.AvathrewherselfatadistractedCamoandknockedthegunoutofhishand,Bridget’sbodyguardtackledCamofrombehindandcaughthiminachokehold,andIwhippedoutthegunhiddenintheshoulderholsterbeneathmycoatandpointeditatmyuncle.Iusedmyotherhandtosendaquick,one-numbermessageonmyphonewithouttakingmyeyesoffIvan.
“Stop!”heshouted.
Everyonefrozeuntilweresembledagrotesquecomedictableau—RhyswithonearmaroundCamo’sneckandtheotherpressingaguntohistemple;AvaandBridgetwrigglingoutoftheirrestraints,mereadytoshootmyunclepoint-blankinthechest.
“Alex.”Ivanletoutanervouschuckle.“Mydearnephew,isthisnecessary?Weare,afterall,family.”
“No,we’renot.Youmurderedmyfamily.”Icockedmygun,andhepaled.“Ava,Bridget,leavetheroom.”
Theydidn’tmove.
“Now.
”
Camohadn’ttiedtheirlegs,sotheycouldscrambleoutoftheroomeventhoughtheirhandswerestillbound.
“Thinkofallthegoodtimeswehadtogether,”myunclecoaxed,hisaffablemaskfallingbackintoplace.“WhenItookyoutoyourfirstKravMagalesson,whenwevisitedKievforyoursixteenthbirth—”
Theshotrangoutloudandclearoverhispleas.
Ivanfroze,hismouthhangingopeninshock.Acrimsonstainbloomedacrosshischest.
“Unfortunatelyforyou,I’mnotsomeonewhowaxespoeticbeforeIpullthetrigger,”Isaid.Ifeltnohintofremorseforthemanwho’draisedme.Hewasamurdererandaliar.Iwastoo,butI’dresignedmyselftohellalongtimeago.“You’lldietoday,lookingasuglyontheoutsideasyouareontheinside.”
“Youungrateful—”
Asecondshotrangout.Hisbodyjerked.“Thatwasformymother.Thefirstwasformyfather.This—”Athirdshot.“IsforNina.ForAva.ForBridget.Andthis—”Icockedmygunforthelasttime.“Isforme.”Ifiredthebulletstraightbetweenhiseyes.
Myunclewaslongdeadbythispoint,hisbodyriddledwithholesandhisfeetsteepedinaglisteningpoolofblood,butmywords,likemybullets,weren’tforhim.Theywereforme,myownfucked-upversionofclosure.
IturnedtoCamo,whosecomplexionnowresembledthecolorofchalk.Rhysstillhadhimpinnedtotheground.
IpickedCamo’sgunupfromthefloorandexaminedit.“Youcanlethimgo,”ItoldRhys.“He’smine.”
Tohiscredit,thebodyguarddidn’tevenblink.He’dmaintainedthesamestoicexpressionfromthemomentheenteredtheroom.Ihadafeelingthemanwouldn’tblinkaneyeevenifaliensinsilvertutuspoofedintoexistencebeforehimandstarteddancingtheMacarena.
“Yousure?”HedughisgunharderintoCamo’stemple.
“I’msure.Yourprincessiswaitingforyou—”Mymouthformedahalf-smirk.“Soletmetakecareofthetrash.”IpointedmygunatCamowhileholdingthesecondweaponinmyotherhand.
Rhyspulledback,keepinghisgunaimedatCamobuthisgazeonme.
Smartman.
IcouldtellhewantedtofuckupCamohimself,butBridgetwashispriority,andabodyguard’smandatewascoverandevacuation,notcombat.
Thesecondhedisappeared,IfiredtwoshotsintoCamo’skneecaps—nottokill,merelytohobblehimwhileIwenttowork.IignoredhispainedscreamsasIlockedthedoor.
“Youmadeamistaketoday,”Isaidconversationally,kneelingnexttohim.ImagesofAva’sbruisesandterrifiedfaceflashedthroughmymind,andmyexpressionhardened.“Youtouchedwhatwasmine—”Ipulledawicked-lookingknifefrommyboot.Camo’seyespoppedinterror.“Youhurtwhatwasmine—”Thesmellofurinefilledtheairashepissedhimself.Forsuchatough-lookingdude,hescaredeasily.Mylipscurledindistaste.“Andnow,it’stimetopay.Don’tworry.”Ipulledhisshirtupanddugthetipofthebladeintohisabdomen.“I’llmakeitslowandsweet.”
IfAvaandBridgethadalreadycalledthepolice—whichIwassuretheyhad—Ionlyhadpreciousminutesbeforetheyarrived.Butwithafewhandytoolsandcreativity?Onecouldmakeaminutefeellikeaneternity.
Wedidn’tpasstheten-secondmarkbeforeCamo’sscreamsstartedagain.36
Ava
Thenexthour
passedinablur.Thepoliceandparamedicsarrived,pepperingmewithquestionsandmedicalcheckupsandlotsofsomber-lookingfaces.Ienduredthemall,myanswersflatandrobotic.
Bythetimetheyfinished,Iwantedtocrawlintomybedandnevergetout—if
Icouldbringmyselftomove.
“Ava?”Bridgetplacedatentativehandonmyarm.“Thepolicesaidwecango.Rhyswilldriveusback.”
Themassivebodyguardhoveredsoclosehewaspracticallyontopofus,hisusualstoicmaskreplacedwithpurefury.
Ididn’tblamehim.We’dgottenourselvesintothismess.
BridgetandIhadwantedtoseeoneofourfavoritebandsperforminD.C.lastnight.Coolindiebandsdidn’tvisitthecityoften,andwhentheydid,wetookadvantage.Except…Rhyshadflat-outforbidden
Bridgetfromgoingbecauseitwasn’tsafe,andinsteadofarguingwithhim—whichweallknewbynowwasuseless—Bridgetsnuckoutinthemiddleofthenight.Everythinghadgoneaccordingtoplanuntilthecamouflage-wearingpsychoyankedusoffthestreetaftertheconcertandintothebackofhisvan.It’dhappenedsofastwedidn’thavetimetoscream.We’dfoughtbackashardaswecould,andmyamateurself-defensetrainingallowedmetolandafewhits,buthe’deventuallyknockedusout.Whenwewokeup,wefoundourselvesinfreakin’Philadelphia.
Ashudderrippleddownmyspine.Ourkidnappermust’vebeenwatchingusforGodknewhowlongbeforehemadehismove,whichcreepedmeoutmorethantheactualkidnappingpart.
“Areyouready?”Despitehercalmtone,IdetectedasmallshakeinBridget’sshoulders,andIsuspectedthatwasthereasonRhyshadn’ttornusanewoneyet.Infact,hehadn’tsaidawordtousexcepttoexplainhe’dfoundusviathechiphe’dplacedinBridget’sphone,whichhe’dactivatedwhenhediscoveredshewasn’tinherroomthatmorning.Itwasatestamenttohowmuchwe’dfuckedupthatBridgetdidn’tutterapeepabouthimsecretlytrackingher.
MyeyesstrayedtowardAlex,wholookedremarkablycomposedforsomeonewho’dshothisuncle,killedourkidnapper,andalmostdiedhimself.
Hespokewithapoliceofficer,hisfacenotbetrayingahintofagitation.
Youwerenothingmorethanameanstoanend.
“Almost,”Isaid.Myvoicesoundedstrangetomyears.Lowandhollow,almostlifeless.“Ineedtotalktohim.”
BridgetandRhysexchangedglances,theirmutualconcernformeovershadowingtheiranimosity.
“Ave,I’mnotsurethat’sagoodidea—”
Iignoredher.Istood,steppedaroundBridget,andwalkedtowardAlex,keepingtheblankettheEMTgavemewrappedtightaroundmyshoulders.
Onefootinfrontoftheother.
Thisentiredayfeltsurreal.IkeptthinkingitwasanewtypeofnightmareandthatIwouldwakeupatanymoment,butIneverdid.EvenwhenItoldthepolicewhathappened,IfeltlikeIwastalkingaboutamovie,notmylife.
Thestorycameoutinpiecesandhalf-truths.ItoldtheofficersAlex’sunclehiredsomeonetokidnapusasleveragebecauseAlexhadoustedhimasCEO,butIdidn’tmentiontheirtwistedfamilyhistory.Thatwasn’tmystorytotell.IcouldhonestlysayIdidn’tknowwhathappenedafterBridgetandIleft—howAlex’sunclehadendedupwithsixbulletsinhimorhowthekidnapperhad,accordingtothequeasy-lookingofficer,endedupmorecarvedupthanajack-o’-lanternonsteroids.Itechnicallydidn’t
know,butitdidn’ttakeageniustofigureoutwhathappened.
Iwasn’tsurewhatAlextoldthepolicebutconsideringtheyhadn’tarrestedhimforkillingtwopeopleyet,Iassumedhe’dspunaconvincingtaleofself-defense.
Hewas,afterall,theconsummateliar.Right?Orhadhebeenlyingaboutlying?
Therewasonlyonewaytofindout.
Alexnoticedmefirst.Hesaidsomethingtotheofficer,whonoddedandleft.
Istoppedtwofeetfromhim,myhandsstranglingtheblanket.
HelookedlikeoldAlexagain—unruffledanduncaring,witheyeslikechipsofjade-coloredice.Ididn’tseeahintoftheAlexI’dgottentoknowoverthepastfewmonths.Theonewho’dstayedandcanceledadatetowatchmovieswithme,theonewho’dchokeddownoneofthemostdisgustingcookiesevermadeandliedaboutitbeing“fine”becausehedidn’twanttohurtmyfeelings,theonewho’dtaughtmetoswimandshowedmeaworldI’dthoughtonlyexistedinfantasies.AworldinwhichIlovedandhadbeenlovedinreturn.Hehadn’tsaidit,butIthought…I’dreallythoughthelovedmeandhadjustbeentooscaredtosayit.
Now,IquestionedwhethertheAlexI“knew”hadeverexisted.Perhapsitreallyhadallbeenaruse,aroleplayedbyapsychopathbentonvengeanceandtakingadvantageofmyunsuspectingheart.
Or…he’dbeenlying,andhe’dsaidallthosethingsinfrontofhisuncletosavemebecausehedidn’twanthisuncletoknowhecared.Histaleseemedtooelaboratetobefake,butAlexwasagenius.Hecoulddoanything.
Iclungtothetatteredremainsofmyhopewithbloodyfingers.
“Ithoughtyouwould’veleftbynow.”Heslidhishandsintohispockets,thepictureofcoolnonchalance.
“Iwantedtospeaktoyoufirst.”
“Why?”
Heatroseonmyface.Leavebeforeyouembarrassyourselfanyfurther!
mypridescreamed,butthathorribleflickerofhopeinsistedIstayuntiltheend.
“Iwantedtoknow.”
Heliftedaboredbrow.
“Youandme.”Iwasalmostafraidtoask,butIhadtoknow.“Wasanyofitreal?”
Alexstilled,andIheldmybreath,hoping,praying…
“Itriedtowarnyou,sweetheart,”hesaid,hisfaceimpassive.“Itoldyounottoromanticizeme,tohardenthatsoftheart.Itwasmyonecourtesyforthekindnessyou’veshownmeovertheyears.Butyoufellforme,anyway.”Hisjawtightened.“Consideritalessonforthefuture.Prettywordsandprettyfacesdon’tequalprettysouls.”
Myhopeturnedtoashes.
Mysoftheart?
No.Ididn’thaveaheartatall,notanymore.He’dtornitoutofmychest,slicedittoribbonswiththebladesofhiswords,andtossedtheshredsasidewithoutasecondthought.
Ishouldsaysomething.
Anything.ButIcouldn’tthinkofasinglething.
Iwishedforaniotaofmyearlierangerandhurt,butnonecame.Iwasnumb.
Imight’vestoodthereforeverhadgentlehandsnotguidedmeintoRhys’swaitingcar.IthoughtIheardBridgethisssomethingatAlex,butIcouldn’tbesure.Itdidn’tmatter.
Nothingmattered.
Bridgetdidn’ttrytotalktomeorfeedmeplatitudes.Thatwould’veonlymadethingsworse.Instead,sheletmesitinsilenceandstareoutthewindow,watchingdeadtreeafterdeadtreeflyby.Icouldn’trememberwhyIlikedwinter.Everythinglookeddullandgray.Lifeless.
ImadeitallthewaytotheborderofMaryland.There,itstartedraining,thetinydropssprinklingoverthewindowlikescattershotcrystals.IrememberedthedayAlexpickedmeupwhenIwasstrandedintherain,andI.Broke.Down.
Allmypent-upemotionfromthepastfewhours—thepastfewmonths—burstforthatthesametime.Iwasanantsweptupinatidalwave,andIdidn’tbotherfighting.Iletitwashoverme—thehurt,theanger,theheartbreakandbetrayalandsadness—untilmyeyesburnedandmymusclesachedfromtheforceofsobs.
Somehow,IfoundmyselfcurledupinBridget’slapwhileshestrokedmyhairandmurmuredsoothingsounds.Itwould’vebeenterriblyembarrassing,cryingintoaroyalprincess’slap,exceptIwasbeyondcaring.
Whywasitalwaysme?
Whataboutmemademesodamnunlovable?Sogullible
?
Myfavoritecolor.
Yellow.
Myfavoriteicecreamflavor.
Mintchocolatechip.
Youarethelighttomydark,Sunshine.Withoutyou,I’mlost.
Lies.Allofit.
Everykiss,everyword,everysecondthatIhadtreasured…tainted.
Myeyesburnedwithliquidfire.Icouldn’tbreathe.Everythinghurt,fromtheoutsidetotheinside,asIsobbedterrible,wretched,soul-wrackingtears.
Michaelhadliedtome.Alexhadliedtome.Notfordays,weeks,ormonths,butforyears.
Somethinginsidemebroke,andIwasnolongeronlycryingformyshatteredheartbutforthegirlIusedtobe—theonewho’dbelievedinlightandloveandthegoodnessoftheworld.
Thatgirlwasgone.37
Alex
IwatchedAvaleave,
mychesthollow,myeyesburningwithaforeign,pent-upemotion.
IwantedtorunafterherandsnatchheroutofBridget’sarms.Tofalltomykneesandbegherforgivenessfortheunforgivable.Tokeepherbymysidefortherestofourdayssonothingandnoonecouldhurtheragain.
ExceptIcouldn’t,becauseI
wastheonewho’dhurther.Iwastheonewho’dliedandmanipulated.Iwastheonewho’dendangeredherwithmythirstforvengeanceandtwistedplansagainstmyuncle.
TheonlywaytoprotectAvawastolethergo,evenifthatmeantdestroyingmyself.
ThecartakingAvabacktoMarylandandawayfrommedisappearedfromsight,andIreleasedashudderingbreath,tryingtomakesenseofthepainclawingatmyinsides.Itfeltlikesomeonewasrippingoutpiecesofmyheartandsoulandgrindingthembeneaththeirfeet.Ihadneverfeltsoacutely,somuch.
Ihatedit.Ilongedfortheicyindifferenceofnumbness,butIfearedthiswasmypenance—toburnintheflamesofmyself-inflictedagonyfortherestofeternity.
Mypersonallivinghell.Myownwalkingdamnation.
“Alex.”TheheadofmyPhillyteamapproachedme,hismovementssharpandprecise.HeworeaPhiladelphiapoliceuniform,thebadgegleamingintheafternoonsoon,buthewasnoofficerofthelaw.“Thehouseisready.”
“Good.”InoticedRoccostaringatmewithastrangeexpression.“What?”Isnapped.
“Nothing.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Youjustlooklikeyou’reaboutto—nevermind.”
“Finishthesentence.Abouttowhat?”Myvoicedroppedtoadangerousdecibel.Ihadclean-upteamsonstandbyinvariouscities,readytoswoopinincaseanyofmymanyplanswentawry.Nooneknewaboutthem,notevenmyunclewhenhe’dbeenalive.Theywerediscreet,efficient,andlookedlikenormalpeoplewhoheldnormaljobs—notfixerswhocouldburyanybody,eraseanyevidence,andjamanycommunications…includingoutgoingcallstolocalpolicestations.
Every“policeofficer”and“paramedic”who’dshoweduptodaywasonmyteam,andthey’dplayedtheirrolesconvincingly.
Roccolookedlikehewishedhe’dneveropenedhismouth.“Likeyou’reaboutto,ah,cry.”Heflinched,nodoubtawarethateventhoughhe’dinterceptedAva’s911callandpulledtheteamtogetherinrecordtime,thatwouldn’tshieldhimfrommywrath.
Thefireinmyveinsmatchedtheburningbehindmyeyes.Ididn’tdignifyRocco’sstatementwitharesponse;Imerelyglaredathimuntilhewilted.“Arethereanyotherfoolishobservationsyou’dliketosharewithme?”Myvoicecould’vefrozentheSahara.
Hegulped.“No,sir.”
“Good.I’lltakecareofthehouse.”
Therewasashortpause.“Personally?Areyou—”Hestoppedwhenhesawthelookonmyface.“Ofcourse.I’lltelltheothers.”
Whileheroundeduptherestoftheteam,IwalkedintothemansionwhereI’dspentthebetterpartofmylife.Itwashome,butit’dneverfeltlikehome,notevenwhenmyuncleandIhadbeenongoodterms.
ItmadewhatIhadtodothatmucheasier.
Roccogavemethegosignalfromoutsidetheentrance.
Iretrievedthelighterfrommypocketandflickeditopen.Thesmellofkerosenesoakedtheair,butIdidn’thesitateasIwalkedtothenearestsetofcurtainsandtossedtheflameatthethickgoldmaterial.
Itwasamazinghowfastfirecouldspreadacrossaten-thousand-square-footbuilding.Theflameslickedthewallsandceiling,ravenousintheirpursuitofdestruction,andIwastemptedtostaythereandletthemconsumeme.Butmysenseofself-preservationkickedinatthelastminute,andIescapedthroughtheopenfrontdoor,thescentofcharredasheslingeringinmynose.
MyteamandIstoodasafedistanceaway,watchingtheproudbrickmanorburnuntilitcametimetocontainitbeforeitspreadoutofcontrol.Themanorsatonacresofprivateproperty,andnoonewouldknowaboutthefireuntilhours,ifnotdays,later.NotunlessItoldthem.
Eventually,Iwould.It’dbeatragicstoryofhowanerrantcigarettecaughtfireandhowtheailinglordofthemanor,who’drefusedtohireafullstaffandlivedalone,failedtoputitoutintime.Itwouldbeasmallnewsitem,buriedinthebackpagesofthelocalpaper.I’dmakesureofit.
Butfornow,Isimplystoodandwatchedtheflamesincineratethecorpsesofmyuncle,Camo,andmypastuntiltherewasnothingleft.38
Alex
Josh’sfist
slammedintomyface,andIheardanominouscrack
beforeIstumbledback.Blooddrippedfrommynoseandlip,andjudgingbythepainradiatingfromtherightsideofmyface,Iwasgoingtowakeupwithonehellofashinertomorrow.
Still,ImadenomovetodefendmyselfwhileJoshpummeledme.“Youfuckingbastard,”hehissed,hiseyeswildashekneedmystomach.Idoubledover,thebreathstolenfrommylungsinawet,crimson-stainedgasp.“You.Motherfucking.Bastard.
Itrustedyou!”Anotherpunch,thistimetothesideofmyrib.“Youweremy.Best.Friend!”
ThehitscontinueduntilIdroppedtomyknees,mybodyamessofcutsandbruises.
ButIwelcomedthepain.Reveledinit.
ItwaswhatIdeserved.
“Ialwaysknewyouhadbadtaste,”Irasped.Notetoself:workfromhomeuntiltheinjuriesheal.
Ididn’tneedtheofficerunningwildwithrumors.Everyonewasstillwhisperingaboutmyuncle’sdeath,whichwasofficiallyattributedtothefirethat’dreducedthemanorandeverythinginittoashes.
Joshgrabbedmebythecollarandhauledmeup,hisfacetightwithpainandfury.“Youthinkthisisfunny?Avawasright.Youare
apsychopath.”
Ava.
Thenameslicedthroughmelikearazor-sharpknife.Nophysicalbeatingcouldhurtmorethanthinkingofher.Herfacebeforeshewalkedawaywouldhauntmefortherestofmydays,andthankstomyfuckingcursedmemory,Irememberedeverydetailofeverysecond.Thescentofbloodandsweatstainingmyskin,thewayhershoulderstrembledassheclutchedtheblanketwithwhite-knuckledhands…themomentthefaintlightofhopediedinhereyes.
Mygutwrenched.
Imaynothavekilledherphysically,butIhadkilledherspirit,herinnocence.Thepartofherthatbelievedthebestinpeopleandsawbeautyintheugliestofhearts.
Wasanyofitreal?
Yes,Sunshine.Allofit.RealerthanIeverthoughtpossible.
WordsIwishedI’dbeenabletosay,exceptIhadn’t.She’dgottenhurtandalmostkilledbecauseofme.I’dfailedtoprotecther,justlikeI’dfailedtoprotectmysister,myparents.PerhapsitwasmycursetowatcheveryoneIlovedsuffer.
Iwasagenius,butI’dbeensoarrogantI’doverlookedacrucialweaknessinmyplan.I’danticipatedmyunclemightgoafterAva,butIshould’vehadateammonitoringhertwenty-fourseveninsteadofjustduringtheday.ThatoneerrorofjudgmenthadalmostcostmetheonethingIcouldn’tlivewithout.
ExceptIlostheranyway.BecausewhileImaybeaselfishsonofabitch,theonlythingthatwouldgutmemorethannothavingherbymysidewasseeingherhurtagain.I’dmadeplentyofenemiesovertheyears,andoncetheydiscoveredmyweakness—becauseshewas
myweakness,theonlyoneIeverhad—theywouldn’thesitatetodowhatmyuncledid.Avawouldneverbesafeaslongasshewaswithme,soIlethergo.
Shewasmine…butIlethergo.
Ididn’tthinkIhadaheartbeforeImether,butsheprovedIdid—itlayinpiecesatherfeet.
“Fightback,”Joshgrowled.“FightbacksoIcankillyou,youbastard.”
“No.AndnotbecauseI’mafraidtodie.”Hell,I’dwelcomeit.Iflashedagrimsmile.Themovementsentanotherburstofpainthroughmyskull.“Thisisyourfreebie.Onesessionofunlimitedbeatingforeightyearsoflies.”
Hismouthtwisted,andheshovedmeawaywithdisgust.“Ifyouthinkonebeatdownwillmakeupforwhatyou’vedone,you’redelusional.Youwantedtouseme?Fine.Butyoubroughtmysisterintothis,andforthat,Iwillneverforgiveyou.”
Thatmakestwoofus.
“I’mnotwastinganymoreenergyonyou.Youdon’tdeserveit.”Josh’sjawflexed.“Youweremybestfriend,”herepeated,hisvoicecrackingonthelastword.
Another,altogetherdifferenttypeofpainlancedthroughme.I’doriginallybefriendedJoshbecausehewasMichael’sson,butovertheyears,hereallyhadbecomemybestfriend.Myunclehadbeenmylastlivingrelative,butJoshhadbeenmybrother.Ithadnothingtodowithbloodandeverythingtodowithchoice.
Truthwas,Icould’vetakenMichaeldownalongtimeago,butI’dstalledoutofloyaltytoJosh.I’dmadeexcusesastowhyIdraggedoutmyplan,eventomyself,butdeepdown,Ihadn’twantedtohurthim.
Youweremybestfriendtoo.
Josh’sfacehardenedoncemore.“IfIeverseeyounearmeorAvaagain,Iwill
killyou.”Heshotonelastdisgustedglanceinmydirectionbeforeheleft.
Thedoorbangedshut,andIlaythere,staringattheceilingforwhatfeltlikehours.MovershadalreadypackedupmybelongingsandtransportedthemtomynewpenthouseinD.C.Icouldn’tstayinthishouseanylonger—itwastoofullofmemories,offadedlaughsandconversationsthatstretcheddeepintothenight.NotjustwithAva,butwithJosh.We’dlivedheretogetherincollege,andithadbeensomeofthebestyearsofmylife.
Iclosedmyeyes,andforonce,Iallowedmyselftosinkintoagoodmemoryinsteadofapainfulone.
“Singonesong.Justone,”Avapleaded.“It’llbemybirthdaypresent.”
Ishotheranunimpressedlook,evenasIheldbackalaughatherexaggeratedpoutandpuppydogeyes.Howcouldsomeonesosexyalsobesofuckingadorable?“Yourbirthdayisn’tuntilMarch.”
“It’llbemy
earlybirthdaypresent.”
“Nicetry,Sunshine.”Iwrappedmyarmsaroundherwaistfrombehindandbrushedmylipsoverherneck,smilingwhenIheardhersharpinhale.Myquicklyhardeningcockfitperfectlyagainstherass,likeweweretailor-madeforeachother.“I’mnotsinging.”
“Whatdoyouhaveagainstmusic?”shehuffed,evenasshearchedagainstmewhenIgrazedmythumboveroneperfect,peakednipple.Icouldnevergetenoughofher.Iwantedtotieherupanddevourherallday,everyday.Therestoftheworlddidn’tdeserveher.NeitherdidI,butshewashere,andshewasmine,sofuckwhatIdeserved.ItookwhatIwanted.
“Nothingagainstmusic.”Ipinchedhernipple,andshegroundagainstmynowrock-hardcockinresponse.“Justdon’tlikesinging.”
Ididitonceatsomestupidkaraokespotmyuncledraggedmeto,andIneversangagain.NotbecauseIthoughtIwasbad—IwasAlexVolkov;Icoulddoanything—butbecausesingingfelttooraw,toopersonal,likeIwasbaringmysoulwitheachnoteleavingmythroat.Thatheldtrueevenwhenitwasastupidpopsong.Allmusic,nomatterhowcheesy,wasgroundedinemotions,andI’dbuiltmyreputationonhavingnone—unlessIwaswithAva.
Desirepumpedthroughmyveins.
IhadheralltomyselfbeforeJulesgothomefromworkinanhour,andIwasgoingtotakeadvantageofeverysecond.
“Butifyoureallywantanearlybirthdaypresent…”IspunAvaaround,andshelaughed,thesoundfillingtheroomwithitswarmth.“Ihavesomethinginmind.”
“Oh?What’sthat?”sheteased,loopingherarmsaroundmyneck.
“Icouldtellyouor…”IkissedmywaydownherchestandstomachuntilIreachedthesweetperfectionbetweenherthighs.“Icouldshowyou.”
Iyankedmyselfoutofthescene,myheartpounding.Likeallmymemories,itwassovividitmightaswellbehappeninginrealtime.Exceptitwasn’t,andallthatsurroundedmewasemptinessandcoldair.
Mychestcracked.NowIrememberedwhyI’dheldoffonrelivingthegoodmemories—everytimeIreturnedtoreality,itwaslikelosingAvaalloveragain.Iwasafucked-upPrometheus,sufferingforeternity,exceptinsteadofhavingmylivereatenbyanassholeeagleeveryday,itwasmyheartbreakingoverandover.
Ilaythereuntiltheshadowslengthenedandmybackachedfromthehardwoodfloor.OnlythendidIforcemyselftostandandlimptomycar.
Thehousenextdoorwasdarkandsilent,matchingtheweather.I’dbeensocaughtupinmymiseryIhadn’trealizeditwasstorming.Rainfellinfurioussheets,andangryboltsoflightningsplittheskyinhalf,illuminatingthebarrenwintertreesandcrackedpavement.
Notahintofsunshineorlifetobefound.39
Ava
TWOMONTHSLATER
BridgetconvincedRhysnottotellthepalacewhathappenedinPhiladelphia.Ididn’tknowhow,becauseRhyswassuchasticklerfortherules—eveniftellingthetruthmeantgettinghimselfintrouble,sinceBridgethadbeenkidnappedonhiswatch—butshedid.
Thepressalsoneverpickedupontherealstory.Otherthanasmallitemaboutan“accidentalhousefirethatresultedinthedeathofformerArcherGroupCEOIvanVolkov,”itwasliketheworstsixhoursofmylifehadn’thappened.
IsuspectedAlexhadahandinboththefireandthelackofmediacoverage,butItriednottothinkofhimthesedays.
Onceortwice,Isucceeded.
“Ibroughtcake.”Julesslidaredvelvetcupcakeinmydirection.“Yourfave.”Herfaceglowedwithhopeasshewaitedformyresponse.
Myfriendstriedtheirbesttoputonhappyfacesaroundme,butIheardtheirwhispersandsawtheirsidelongglances—theywereworried.Reallyworried.SowasJosh,whoquithisvolunteerprogramandmovedbacktoHazelburgfor“moralsupport.”He’dlandedafewdaysafterthePhillyincidentforhisbelatedholidaybreak,andwhenhefoundoutwhathappened,hewentberserk.That’dbeenalmosttwomonthsago.
Iwasgratefulformyfriends’support,butIneededmoretime.Space.Theymeantwell,butIcouldn’tbreathewiththemhoveringallthetime.
“Idon’twantit.”Ipushedthecupcakeawayfromme.Redvelvet.
LikethecookiesI’dbakedforAlexasawelcome-to-the-neighborhoodgiftalifetimeago.
Icouldn’tstandanythingredvelvetthesedays.
“Youhaven’teatenyet,andit’salreadylateafternoon.”Foronce,Stellawasn’tgluedtoherphone.Instead,shestaredatmewithconcernscrawledalloverherface.
“I’mnothungry.”
Jules,Bridget,andStellaexchangedglances.I’dmovedinwithBridgetbecauseIcouldn’tstandlivingnearAlexanymore.Eventhoughhe’dmovedoutsoonafterIdid,Icouldn’tlookatthathousewithoutthinkingofhim,andeverytimeIthoughtofhim,IfeltlikeIwasdrowning.
Helpless.Unmoored.Unabletobreathe.
“Yourbirthday’scomingup.Weshouldcelebrate.”Bridgetswitchedtopics.“Howaboutaspaday?Youlovemassages,andit’llbeonme.”
Ishookmyhead.
“Ormaybesomethingsimplelikeamovienight?”Stellasuggested.“PJs,junkfood,junkmovies.”
“Moviessobadthey’realmostgood,”Julesadded.
“Okay.”Ididn’tfeellikecelebrating,butIalsodidn’tfeellikearguing,andtheywouldbugmeuntilIagreedtosomething.
“I’mgoingtotakeanap.”
Ididn’twaitforthemtoanswerbeforeIpushedmychairbackandwentupstairstomyroom.Ilockedthedoorandclimbedintobed,butIcouldn’tsleep.I’dstoppedhavingsomanynightmaresafterIregainedmymemories,butitwasnowmywakinghoursthatIdreaded.
Ilayinthedark,listeningtotherainoutsideandwatchingtheshadowsdanceacrossmyceiling.Thepasttwomonthshadbothflownbyanddraggedon,witheachdaybleedingintothenextinanendlesssludgeofnumbness.YetIwokeupeverymorning,surprisedI’dsurvivedanotherday.BetweenMichael’sandAlex’sbetrayals,Ihaddepletedmycapacitytocry.
Ihadn’tshedasingletearsinceIreturnedfromPhiladelphia.
Myphonepingedwithanewemailnotificationonthenightstand.Iignoredit.ItwasprobablyastupidtenpercentoffcouponforsomethingIdidn’tneed.
Thenagain,itwasn’tlikeIcouldsleep,andthesoundlingeredinthesilence.
Isighedandgrabbedmycell,openingthenewemailwithalltheenthusiasmofaprisonerontheirwaytoDeathRow.ItwastheorientationpackagefortheWYPfellowship,completewithacalendarofclassesandactivitiesfortheyear,alistofhousingsuggestions,andaminitravelguidetoNewYorkCity.
IwasgraduatingandmovingtoManhattaninMay.It’dbeenmydreamsinceIwasthirteen,butIcouldn’tsummonaflickerofexcitementattheprospect.NewYorkwastooclosetoD.C.forcomfort,andtobehonest,Ihadn’tpickedupmycamerainweeks.IevencanceledmyengagementshootwithElliottandhisfiancéebecauseIdidn’tthinkIcoulddothemjustice.He’dbeendisappointed,butI’dsteeredthemtowardanotherphotographerwhocouldhelp.MyclientsdeservedbetterthanwhatIcouldgivethembecauseatthispoint,Ihadzeroinspirationormotivationtoshoot.
Iwasenteringtheworld’smostprestigiousfellowshipintwo-and-a-halfmonths,andmycreativewellwasdrierthantheKalahariDesert.Onemorebeautifulthinginmylife,ruined.
Outofnowhere,furyblastedthroughme,shockingmeoutofmystupor.
Thisshould’vebeenthebest,mostexcitingtimeofmylife.Itwasmysenioryear,andmydreamprogramhadacceptedme.Insteadofcelebrating,Iwasmopinglikea…well,aheartbrokenteenager.Andeventhoughthatwashalfcorrect,Iwassickofit.Sickoflettingmenwhodidn’tgivetwoshitsaboutmehavethisholdoverme.Sickofbeingtheobjectofpityinglooksandworriedwhispers.
MaybeIwasthatpersoninthepast,butnotanymore.
Angerandindignationrushedthroughmyveins,compellingmetogetoutofbedandriflethroughmydrawersuntilIfoundwhatIwaslookingfor.Iputiton,covereditupwithahoodieandjeans,andshovedmyfeetintoboots.Iwalkeddownthestairsandfoundmyfriendshuddledinthelivingroom.Rhysstoodinthecorner,stone-facedandwatchful.
“Doyouwantaridesomewhere?”Bridgetaskedwhenshesawmyoutfit.“It’spouringoutside.”
“No,Ihaveanumbrella.”
“Whereareyougoing?”Stellaasked.“I’llgo—”
“It’sokay.IhavesomethingIneedtodo—alone.”
Asmallfrowntookoverherface.“Idon’tthink—”
“Imeanit.”Itookadeepbreath.“Iappreciateallyouguyshavedone,Ireallydo,butIneedtodothisforme.Iwon’thurtmyselfordoanythingcrazy.Ijustneedyoutotrustme.”
TherewasalongsilencebeforeJulesfinallybrokeit.“Ofcoursewetrustyou,”shesaidsoftly.“You’reourbestfriend.”
“Butifyouneedus,we’rehere.”Bridget’swarm,sympatheticgazecausedamessyknotofemotiontoforminmythroat.“Youdon’thavetodoanythingaloneifyoudon’twantto.”
“Justsendatext,call,carrierpigeon,whatever,”Stellaadded.“MyInstagraminboxgetscrazysometimes,butthatworkstoo.”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroatandhuffedoutasmalllaugh.“Thankyou.I’llbebacksoon.Promise.”
Igrabbedtheumbrellabythefrontdoor,feelingtheheatofmyfriends’worriedgazesonmyback,andsteppedoutintothestorm.MybootssqueakedonthewetsidewalksasIwalkedtowardacampusbuildingI’dnevervisitedinallmyyearsatThayer.One,becauseIwaslazy,andtwo,becauseIwasafraid…ofacertainroom,anyway.
IswipedmystudentIDatthefrontdeskandconsultedthemapbeforewindingmywaytotheback.ItwasarainySundayinMarch,sothereweren’tmanypeoplehere.TheNewYear’sResolutionpeople,theoneswho’dvowedtoexercisemoreinthenewyear,hadgivenupbynow,andthegymratswereapparentlytakingthedayoff.
Ipushedopenthedoortothepoolroom,breathingasighofreliefwhenIsawthatittoo,wasempty.Itwasagorgeousspace,withpaletilefloorsandagiantskylightoverthepool.
IkickedoffmybootsandshruggedoffmyclothesuntilIhadononlymyswimsuit.
Thesmellofchlorinedidn’tnauseatemeasmuchasitusedto.I’dgottenusedtoitafterallmyswimlessonswithAl—afterallmyswimlessons.Still,myskinprickledwithuneaseattheundulationsinthepaleturquoisewater,whichseemedtostretchforeverinitsOlympic-sizedconcretecontainer.
Ihadn’thadaswimlessoninmonths.Ithought
Irememberedthebasics,butwhatifIdidn’t?
Mychesttightened,andittookmoreeffortthanitshould’vetodrawenoughoxygenintomylungs.
ItwasworsewhenAl—whenIwasalone.IfIdrowned,noonewouldfindmeuntillater.There’dbenoonetosaveme.
Butthatwasthepointofthisexercise,wasn’tit?Todothisalone.
Breathe,Ava.Youwon’tdrown.Youknowhowtoswim.
Iopenedmyeyesandtookafewshakystepstowardtheedgeofthepool.Itseemedbottomless,eventhoughthemarkersindicateditwaseightfeetdeepatitsdeepest.
BeforeIlostmynerve,Isteppedin,tryingnottoflinchatthesensationofcoldwaterlappingatmyankles.Myknees.Mythighs.Mychest.Myshoulders.
Okay.Thiswasn’tsobad.I’dbeeninapooldozensoftimesbefore.Icoulddothis.
Notalone,
atauntingvoiceinmyheadsang.Whatmakesyouthinkyoucandothisalone?
“Shut.Up,”Igrittedout,myvoiceechoingintheemptyspace.
Iheldmybreathand,aftersayingaquickprayer,duckedmyheadbeneaththewater.Ifoughttheimmediateurgetopanic.You’refine,you’refine
.Iwasstillintheshallowendofthepool,andIcouldliftmyheadatanytime.
Iclosedmyeyes,theeventsofthepastsixmonthsflashingthroughmymind.
JoshannouncinghewasleavingforCentralAmerica.Megettingstrandedinarainstorminthemiddleofnowhere.Alex—there,Isaidhisfullname
—pickingmeup.Alexmovinginnextdoor.Alex—
Myheadbrokeabovethewater,andIgaspedforair.IallowedmyselfaminutebreakbeforeIdoveagain.
Alex’sbirthday.Ourfirstkiss.Ourweekendatthehotel.Thanksgiving.Myfather.Mykidnapping.
Sweet,trustingAva,soeagertofixbrokenthings.
Wasanyofitreal?
Againandagain.Headin,headout.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dallowedmyselftodwellonAlexandourtimetogethersincePhiladelphia.Razorbladespiercedmychestatthememoryofhisvoice,hiseyes,histouch…butIwasstillhere.Iwasalive.And,foronce,thewaterdidn’tseemlikeanenemy.Itseemedlikeafriend,swallowingmytearsandcleansingmeofthepast.
Icouldn’tchangewhathappenedtomeorcontrolwhatotherpeopledid,butIcouldcontrolwhatI
did.IcouldshapethefutureIwantedtohave.
Whentherestlessenergybecametoomuch,Istoppedholdingmybreathunderwaterandstartedswimming.Iwouldn’twinanOlympicmedalanytimesoon,butIcouldmovemybodyfromonepointtotheotherinthepool,whichwasmorethanIcouldsayformyselfthistimelastyear.
Allmylife,peoplehadcoddledme.Josh.Myfriends.Alex.Oratleast,he’dpretendedtocareaboutme.I’dletthem,becauseitwaseasiertoleanonothersthanmyself.I’dthoughtmyselffreebecauseIdidn’thaveaphysicalcagewheninfactI’dbeentrappedbymyownmind,bythefearsthathauntedmydaysandthenightmaresthathauntedmynights.IstuckwiththesafechoicesbecauseIthoughtIwasn’tstrongenoughforanythingelse.
ButI’dsurvivednotone,nottwo,butthree
near-deathexperiences.I’dhadmyheartbrokenandsmashed,butIwasstillbreathing.I’dlivedwithmynightmaresalmostmywholelifeandstillfoundthecouragetodream.
Iswamuntilmylimbsached.
Afterthat,Istayedinthepoolforawhilelonger,revelinginmyaccomplishment.Me,swimmingalone,for—Isnuckapeekattheclock—anhourwithoutapanicattack.More
thananhour.
Itiltedmyheadup,myfirstrealsmileinmonthsspreadingacrossmyface.Itwassmall,butitwasthere.
Babysteps.
Aboveme,thestormhadabated,theangrygraycloudsgivingwaytoblueskies.Andthroughthedomedglass,Isaw,quiteclearly,thepaleglimmersofarainbow.40
Alex
TWOANDA
HALFMONTHSLATER
“Youlooklikeshit.”Ralphsankintothechairoppositemineandappraisedmewithsharpeyes.“Haven’t‘chaheardofaskincareroutine?”
Ididn’tlookupfromthescreen.“Carolina!”
Thedoortomyofficeopened,andmyassistantpokedherheadin.“Yes,Mr.Volkov?”
“Howthefuckdidhegetinhere?”IgesturedatRalph.
“He’sonyourapprovedlistofvisitorswhodon’tneedappointments.”
“Removehimfromthelist.”
“Yes,sir.”Carolinahesitated.“Doyou—”
“Youcanleave.”
Shefledwithoutasecondthought.Ididn’tblameher.I’dbeeninafoulmoodformonths,andshe’dlearneditwasbesttostayoutofsight.
Ralpharchedhiseyebrows.“Someone’sinabadmood.”
“Don’tyouhaveabusinesstorun?”IclickedoutofthespreadsheetI’dbeenexaminingandleanedback,irritationcoilinginmystomach.Ididn’thavetimeforbullshittoday.Ibarelyhadtimeforlunch.
EversinceItookoverasCEOofArcherGroup,thecompany’sstockshadshotsky-high.LikelybecauseIworkednonstop,morethanIeverhad.Ibarelyleftmyoffice.Workkeptmebusy,andbusywasgood.
“Ah,aboutthat.”Herubbedthebackofhisneck.“Iwantedtotellyouinperson.”
“Whateveritis,makeitquick.IhaveaphonecallwiththeVice-Presidentinanhour.”IpickedupmyglassofwhiskyanddrainedtherestoftheMacallan.
Yes,itwasonlynoon.No,Ididn’tgiveafuck.
“TheVice-PresidentoftheUnited—”Ralphshookhishead.“Nevermind,Idon’twannaknow.Butsinceyouasked,hereitis.I’mretiringandmovingtoVermont.”
“Funny.”
“I’mnotjoking.I’mretiringandmovingtoVermont,”herepeated.
Istaredathim.Ralphstaredback,hisfacecalm.“You’reshittingme.”
RalphwasoneofthoseguysIpicturedworkingtillthedayhedied,simplybecausehelovedhisjob.Hetookimmenseprideinthefacthe’dbuiltKMAintothecity’sbesttrainingcenterovertheyears,andhehadn’tgivenasingleindicationhewantedtoretireuntilnow.
“Nah.I’vebeenthinkingaboutitforawhile.IloveKMA,butIain’tnospringchickenanymore,andMissyandIhavesavedupenoughforretirement.Plus,themissushasbeenwantingtogetouttothecountryforawhile.”Ralphdrummedhisfingersonthedesk.“ShegrewupinVermont.Alwayswantedtogoback.”
Ineededanotherdrink.“WhatthehellareyougoingtodoinVermont?”
“FuckifIknow.GuessIshouldfindahobby.”Ralphflashedacrookedsmilebeforeitdimmed.“Iknowit’ssudden,butIdidn’tdecideuntilyesterday.Iwantedtotellyoufirst.Don’ttelltheotherstudents,but…you’vealwaysbeenthebiggestpaininmyass.”
ThatwasasclosetoasentimentalstatementasRalphwouldget.
Isnorted.“Thanks.So.”Iassessedhimwithnarrowedeyes.“What’shappeningwiththeacademy?”
“Mynephewwilltakeitover.He’lldoagoodjob.”Ralphlaughedatmygrimace.“Iknowyou’renothisbiggestfan,buthe’sbeenrunningthingsalongsidemeforyears.Hehaswhatittakes.”
“We’llsee.”Hisnephewmayhavewhatittakes,butRalphwasRalph.“Whenareyoumoving?”
“EndofAugust.Givesustimetoputouraffairsinorderhere,andfallinVermontisniceashell.”Mymentor’sfacesoftened.“Youcancallorvisitanytime.Mydoorisalwaysopenforyou.”
“Fine.”Ishuffledthepapersonmydesk.“We’llgrabamealbeforeyouleave.”
“Imeanit,Alex.Don’tgivemethatI’m-an-asshole-who-doesn’t-need-anyoneshit,either.Iknowit’sbeenatoughcoupleo’monthswithAva—”
“Don’t.
”Myjawclenched.“We’renotdiscussingher.Period.”
AvahadstoppedtakingKravMagalessonsatKMA,whichI’dexpected,butRalphhadn’tstoppedbuggingmeabouthersincehefoundoutaboutourbreakup.Ididn’tgivehimthenitty-gritty;Isimplytoldhimthingsdidn’tworkout.
Whichdidn’tstophimfromprying.Hewasapersistentbastard.
“Neverfiguredyouonetorunawayfromyourtroubles,”hesaid.
“I’mnotrunningfromanything.”
“Thenwhydoyoulooklikehell?Nottomentionyou’vebeeninafoulmoodsinceJanuary.Whateveryoudid—”
“We’re.Not.Discussing.It.”Aveinthrobbedinmytemple.This
waswhyIabhorredhumancompanionship.Peoplecouldn’tshutthehellup.“Now,ifyou’llexcuseme—”
“Sir?”Carolinapokedherheadinagain,herfacepaleandnotalittleterrified.“Uh,youhaveanotherguest.”
“Iftheydon’thaveanappointment,Idon’twanttoseethem.”
“Aboutthat,it’s—”
“Don’tbother,I’llannouncemyself.”Astatuesqueblondesweptinlikesheownedtheplace.Theveininmytemplepulsedharder.“PrincessBridgetofEldorra,heretoseeAsshole—Imean,AlexVolkov.”Hersmilecameoffbothpoliteandmenacing.
Iwasimpressed,ifnotannoyed.
Howhardwasittofindcompetentstaffwhocouldkeepintrudersoutofmyofficethesedays?
“Princess.”Ralphwavedtwofingersintheair.
“Ralphie.”Shenodded.
Ralphie?
Iwasn’tgoingtoask.
Bridget’sbruiserofabodyguardstoodbehindherwithhisever-presentglower.HemightbetheonepersonintheworldwhohadabetterpokerfaceandashittierdispositionthanIdid.
“I’msorry.”Carolinalookedlikeshewasonthevergeofpanic.“Theprincess—”
“Leave.I’lltakecareofit.”MycallwiththeVPwasinfortyminutes,andI’dalreadywastedenoughtime.
“That’smycue.”Ralphrose.“I’lltakeyouuponthemeal,butitlookslikeyouhavesomestufftohashoutfirst.”HetiltedhisheadtowardBridgetbutkepthiseyesonme.“ThinkaboutwhatIsaid.”
“Sure.”IwouldrathereatrustednailsthanvisitVermont.Ididn’tdocountrylife.
WhenthedoorclosedbehindRalphandCarolina,Ileanedbackinmychairandlacedmyfingersovermychest.“TowhatdoIowethepleasure,YourHighness?”IkeptmyexpressionimpassiveandtriednottothinkofthelasttimeI’dseenBridget—inhercar,takingAvafromme.
EvenifIwastheonewho’dpushedAvaaway,IhatedBridgetalittleforthat.ForbeingabletocomfortAvawhenIcouldn’t.
Theblondelookeddownhernoseatme.“Iknowwhatyoudid.”
“You’llhavetobemorespecific.I’vedonealotofthingsinmylife,asyouwellknow.”
“Cutthebullshit.”Bridgetwalkeduptomydeskandleanedforward,pressingherhandsonthetable.Hereyesglintedwithsteelyknowledge.“You’rehavingAvafollowed.”
MyshouldersstiffenedbeforeIforcedthemtorelax.“Princessesshouldn’tsaytheword‘bullshit.’It’sterriblyundiplomatic.”
“Don’tdeflect.Rhys…”Sheangledherheadtowardthebodyguard,whosegunmetalglaredarkenedthelongerhelookedatme.“…caughthim.Itturnsoutit’sasmallworldafterallbecausetheyservedinthemilitarytogether.Infact,Rhyssavedhislife,soitdidn’ttakemuchbeforehespilled.Now,Iwantyoutoexplainwhy,exactly,you’rehavingAvafollowed.Haven’tyoudoneenough?”
Thatfucker.NowondertheguyI’dhiredhadbeenavoidingmycalls.
NavySEALofhonor,myass.Incompetencyanddisloyaltywereaworldwidescourge.
“PerhapsyoushouldcheckyourfactsbecauseIdidnosuchthing,”Isaidcoolly.“Delusionalmuch?”
“Don’tlie,Alex.You’renotasgoodatitasyouthinkyouare.”Bridgetpiercedmewithherstare.“Hetoldusyouorderedhimtokeepaneyeonher.Nottoharmher…buttoprotecther.”
Afamiliarpressurebuiltatthebaseofmyneckandspreaduntilitenvelopedmyskullinacrushinggrip.“Andyoubelievedhim?”Istraightenedmyshirtsleeve.“Doesn’tsaymuchforyourbodyguardthathewouldbelieveliessoeasily.Nowonderyougotkidnapped.”
Alowgrowlemittedfromsaidbodyguard’sthroat.Hesteppedforward,hiseyespromisingvengeance,butBridgetstayedhimwithawarninglook.
“You’redeflectingagain.”Sherelaxed,herhardexpressionmeltingintoathoughtfulonethatsentthehairsonthebackofmyneckrising.SheslippedintoRalph’svacatedchairandcrossedonelegovertheother.
“Ididn’tsayyoucouldsit.”Ididn’tgiveaflyingfuckthatshewasaprincess.Thiswasmy
office.My
kingdom.
Bridgetignoredme.
I’dalreadypickedupmyphonetocallsecuritywhenshesaid,“YousecretlyhiredsomeonetolookafterAvabecauseyoustillcareabouther.”
Whythefuck
dideveryonewanttotalkabouther?WasitTortureAlexwithAva’sNameday?
Islammedthephonedownandstood.Iwasdonewithpeopletoday.TheVice-Presidentcouldwaitanotherdayorweekforourphonecall.“Idon’thavetimeforthis.I—”
“Stillcareabouther,”Bridgetrepeated.
“Takeapillforthedelusion,princess.Iusedher.IgotwhatIwanted.NowI’mdone.I’vebeen
doneformonths.”Ishruggedonmyjacket.“Nowfuckoff.”
“Forsomeonewho’susuallysocomposed,you’reawfullyagitated,”shesaid.“Iwonderwhy.”
“Howaboutyoumindyourbusiness,Imindmine.”IflickedmyeyestowardRhys,whoglaredbackatmewithdangerousgrayeyes.
Bridgettensed.“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
“Youknowwhatitmeans.”
“Fine.Stayindenial.”Bridgetstood,hercomplexionashadepalerthanbefore.“Iguessyoudon’twanttoknowaboutAva.”
“WhataboutAva?”ThequestionslippedoutbeforeIcouldstopit.
Shit.
Asmall,triumphantsmilespreadacrossBridget’sface.BetweenherandJules,“annoyingashell”mustbearequirementforAva’sfriends.
“ForgetIsaidanything.Youobviouslydon’tcare,”shesaid.
“Justtellme,”Igrittedout.
“Notunlessyouadmitit.”
Mybloodpressureskyrocketedtoalarminglevels.Iwasthis
closetodrop-kickingaprincess,bodyguardbedamned.“There’snothingtotell.”
“Forasupposedgenius,youaredense
.”BridgetsomehowmanagedtolookdownhernoseatmeeventhoughIwastallerthanher.“Youdidn’thiresomeonetofollowAvaallthesemonthstoprotectherfornoreason.Tobeclear,Idespiseyouforwhatyoudid,andIdon’twant
hertoforgiveyou.ButIlovehermorethanIhateyou,andshehasn’tbeenthesamesincePhilly.”Atroubledexpressioncrossedherface.“Ididn’tsayanythingatfirstbecauseIthoughtyoudidn’tcare,butnowthatIknowyoudo—don’tinsultmebydenyingitagain,”shesaidwhenIopenedmymouth.“ImaynothaveaMENSA-levelIQ,butI’mnotanidiot.Ihatetoadmitit,butyou’retheonlypersonwithanyhopeofgettingthroughtoher.I’vetried,JulesandStellahavetried,Joshhastriedhardashecan…butit’snotworking.”
IsuppressedaflinchatthementionofJosh’sname.“Ava’sfine.She’shealthyandthrivinginschool.She’sevenswimmingonherownnow.”
Therewasnousepretendinganymore.Bridgetsawrightthroughmybullshit.
“Ontheoutside,Avaisfine,”shesaid.“Notontheinside.She’s…Idon’tknowhowtoexplainit.It’slikeshe’smissingthesparkthatmakesherher.
”
Iknewexactlywhatshemeant,becauseI’dseenthatsparkdieinfrontofmyeyes.
Iexhaledaraggedbreathandtriedtogathermyswirlingthoughts.Theywereusuallycrystalclear,eacharrangingthemselvesintheperfectpatternformetoanalyzeandstrategize,butI’dbarelysleptoverthepastfewmonths,andIhadn’teateninalmosttwenty-fourhours.Iwasamess.
I’dbeenamesssinceIletAvago.
“Idon’tknowifshe’llforgiveyouforwhatyoudid,”Bridgetsaid.“OrifIwanthertoforgiveyou.Butit’snotaboutme.It’sabouther.Imaginehowshemustfeel,findingoutbothher‘father’andher‘boyfriend’liedtoherforsolong—and
findingthesethingsoutatpracticallythesametime.Shesaysshe’soverit,butyoudon’tjust‘getover’somethinglikethat.”Sheglaredatme.“Atleasttellheryourtruefeelings.Shedoesn’ttrustherselfrightnow,muchlessinloveorotherpeople.AndanAvawhodoesn’ttrustorbelieveinlove…well,that’snotreallyAva,isit?”
Myhearttwistedintoaknotthatblockedtheairfrommylungs.“
Ican’t.”
“Whynot?Youcareabouther.Perhaps…”Shepaused,herfacecontemplativeassheexaminedmytightjawandrigidframe.“Youevenloveher.”
“Getout.”
“You’rebeingacoward.Ithoughtyouweren’tafraidofanything,yetyou’reafraidtotellherhowyoureallyfeel—”
“Becauseshe’sbetteroffwithoutme,okay?”Iexploded,monthsofpent-upemotionburstingforthinonegiant,scaldingwave.
Rhyssteppedforward,butBridgetwavedhimback,thoseblueeyestrainedonmewithfascination.Ididn’tblameher.I’dneverblownuplikethatinfrontofanotherperson.Ever.
Itwasstrangelycathartic.
“Icouldn’tprotecther.Shewashurtbecauseofme.
Myunclekidnappedherbecauseofme.AndIcouldn’tstophim.”Ipressedmylipstogether,tryingtocalmmyrampagingpulse.
Fivemonthslater,Istillwokeinthemiddleofthenight,terrifiedsomethinghadhappenedtoAva.Envisioningallthethingsthatcould’ve
happenedtoherhadthingsgonesidewaysinmyuncle’soffice.ThatwaswhyI’dhiredtheprivateinvestigator-slash-bodyguard—Icouldn’tlookafterhermyselfwithoutputtingherinmoredanger,butI’dbedamnedifIleftherdefenselessandaloneoutthere.
Ofcourse,Ineededtofiretheguyfornotkeepinghismouthshut,butthiswasD.C.Therewereex-militaryandex-SecretServicetypeseverywhere.
Bridget’sexpressionsoftened.“Yousavedherlife.”
“Iwastheonewhoputherinthatsituationinthefirstplace,”Isaidbitterly.“Peoplearoundmealwaysgethurt,andforallIhave”—Isweptmyarmaroundmysprawlingoffice—“Ican’tguaranteetheirsafety.”Irakedafrustratedhandthroughmyhair,gladmyofficewassoundproofandsurroundedbytintedglass.ThelastthingIneededwasformystafftoseemelosemyshit.
“Nothinginlifeisguaranteed,butyou’reAlexVolkov.Yourunclecaughtyouoffguardbecausehewasyouruncle,butnowthathe’soutofthepicture,doyoureallythinkanyoneelsecangetthejumponyou?”Bridgetshookherhead.“Ifyoudo,thenmaybeitisbestyoustayawayfromAva.LikeIsaid,Idespisewhatyoudidtoher,butIalsobelieveyouloveher—evenifyou’retoostubbornorstupidtoseeit—”
“IhaveanIQof160,”Isaid,insulted.
“Intellectualintelligencedoesn’tequalemotionalintelligence,”sheretorted.“Anddonotinterruptaprincess.It’sterribleetiquette.AsIwassaying,you’retoostubbornorstupidtoseeit,andnowit’stoolate.”
Ipaused,lettingherwordssinkin.Dreaduncoiledatthepitofmystomach.“Explain.”
BridgetandRhysexchangedglancesbeforesherespondedinawarytone.“Ava’smovingtoLondon.Sheswitchedherfellowshiplocation.Herplaneleavesin”—shecheckedtheclock—“anhour.”
London.
Anothercity,anothercountry,anothercontinent.
Shewouldbethousandsofmilesawayfromme.
Fuck.That.
Thedreadturnedintofull-blownpanic.“Flightinfo,”Isnarled.
“Idon’tknow.”
Iwantedtostrangleher.Ididn’tcarethatRhyswaspackingheatandlookedreadytotacklemeifIsomuchastwitchedthewrongway.
“IsweartoGod,Bridget—”
“Whydoyouwanttoknow?”shedemanded.“It’snotlikeyou’llgoafterher.Yousaid—”
“BecauseIloveher!”Islammedmyhandsonthetable.“There,happy?IlovehersomuchIwouldrathergiveherupthanhurther.ButifyouthinkI’mlettinghergotoanothercountryalone,
withnoprotection,you’vegotanotherthinkcoming.Nowgivemeherfuckingflightinfo.”
Bridgetdid,asparkoftriumphgleaminginhereyes.
Iwaswellawareshe’dbaitedme,butIdidn’tcare.AllIcaredaboutwasgettingtotheairportinthenexthour—fuck,thenextfifty-sixminutes.Iwouldfigureeverythingelseoutlater—Ava’sprotection,myenemies.Fornow,Ijustneededtoseeher.Holdher.
IbrushedpastBridgetandRhysandstormedtowardtheelevator,ignoringCarolina’sstartledjump.
“CancelmycallwiththeVP—sendmysincerestapologiesandtellhimIhadalast-minuteemergency—andbookmeatickettoEuropethatleavesinthenextthreehours,”IcommandedasIpassedher.“DullesAirport.”
“Youwantmetocancelthe—”
“Doit.
”
“Certainly,sir.”Carolinasprangintoaction,herfingersflyingoverherkeyboard.“Whichcitywould—”
“Doesn’tmatter.Justdoit.”
“Rightaway,sir.”
Ionlyneededthetickettogetpastsecurity.
Onaregularday,ittookhalfanhourtoreachtheairport,butofcourse,todaywasthedayeveryconstructioncrewinD.C.showedupinfullforce.RoadblocksandclosureslitteredthestreetsalongsideashitloadofdriversdeterminedtowintheWorld’sSlowestDriveraward.
“Getoutofmyway,”IsnappedattheLexusinfrontofme.Jesus,doesnooneinthiscityknowhowtodrive?
Ibrokewhatmusthavebeenathousandtrafficlaws,butImadeittotheairportinthirty-fiveminutes.Parking,security—fortunately,Carolinahadtheforesighttocheckmeinonline—andIwasthrough,racingthroughtheterminalsearchingforAva’sgatenumber.
Ifeltliketheworld’sworstmoviecliché.RunningthroughtheairporttryingtogetthewomanIlovedtogivemeanotherchance…howoriginal.ButifitgotmetoAvaintime,I’ddoitinfrontofprime-timeTV.
AvaandIhadn’tspokeninmonths,butthereremainedathreadtyingustogetherdespitewhathappenedinPhilly.Somethingtoldmethatifsheweretogetonthatplane,thatwouldchange.We—orwhateverwasleftofus—wouldchange.AndIwasterrified.
Beneaththefear,though,therelayaglimmerofpride.Thegirlwho’dbeenafraidtogonearwaterayearago—who’ddreamedoftravelingtheworldbutneverthoughtshe’dbeableto—wastakinganinternationalflightforthefirsttime.Flyingoveranocean.Facingherfears.Ialwaysknewshecoulddoit,andshedidn’tneedmeoranyoneelseholdingherhand.
Iwonderedifotherpeoplefeltconflictingemotionslikethiseveryday.Ifso,Ialmostfeltsorryforthem.Itwasapaininthefuckingass.
Idodgedamotherwithastrollerandaslow-movinggroupofstudentsinobnoxiousneongreenT-shirts.ThegatenumberswhizzedbyinabluruntilIfoundtheoneIwaslookingfor.
MystomachsankwhenIsawtheemptyseatingareaandcloseddoorleadingtothejetway.
“Flight298.Diditleave?”Idemandedoftheattendantbehindthecounter.
“Yes,I’mafraidtheplanetookoffafewminutesago,sir,”shesaidapologetically.“Ifyouwouldliketobookanotherflight—”
Itunedherout,myheartbeatingadesperate,lonelyrhythminmychest.
Theplanehadleft.
Avawasgone.41
Ava
IlovedLondon.
Iloveditsenergy,theposhaccents,andtheanticipationthatImightsightoneoftheroyalsanyday.Ididn’t,butIcould
,thoughIreassuredBridgetshe’dalwaysbemyfavoriteroyal.Mostofall,Ilovedthatitwasafreshstart.Nooneknewmehere.IcouldbewhoeverIwanted,andthecreativesparkI’dlostinthosedarkweeksafterPhiladelphiacamerushingback.
I’dbeennervous,movingtoacitywhereIhadzeroconnections,buttherestoftheWYPfellowsandinstructorsweregreat.AftertwoweeksoflivinginLondonandattendingworkshops,I’dalreadyformedasmallgroupoffriends.Wecelebratedhappyhouratpubs,wentonphotoshootstogetherontheweekends,anddidtouristystufflikeridetheLondonEyeandcruiseontheThames.
ImissedmyfriendsandJosh,butwevideo-calledoften,andBridgetpromisedtovisitmeonherwaybacktoEldorralaterthissummer.Plus,alltheWYPworkshopsandactivitiesandtheexcitementofexploringanewcitykeptmebusy.Ididn’thavetimetobeinmyhead,thankGod.
I’dbeeninmyheadformonths,anditwasn’tagreatplacetobe.Ineededachangeofscenery.
Ialsoneededtosendabigthank-yougiftbaskettotheoriginalLondonfellowwho’dagreedtoswapplaceswithme—shewenttoNewYorkwhileIcamehere.Itwastheonlywaytheprogramwouldletmechangemylocationsolateintheprocess,butitworkedout.
“Yousureyoucan’tjoinus?”Jack,anAustralianwildlifephotographerwhowasalsointhisyear’sfellowshipcohort,asked.“Half-offdrinksatTheBlackBoartoday.”
TheBlackBoar,locatedafewminutes’walkawayfromtheWYPbuilding,wasoneofthefellows’favoritepubs.
Ishookmyheadwitharegretfulsmile.“Nexttime.I’mbehindoneditingphotos.”
Iwantedtomakesurethefinalproductsweretop-notchbecausetheyweren’tforanyol’workshop—theywereforDianeLange’s.The
DianeLange.I’dnearlyhadaheartattackwhenIfirstmetherinperson.ShewaseverythingI’dimaginedhertobeandmore.Shewassmart,incisive,andtalentedbeyondbelief.Tough,butfair.Herpassionforherartradiatedfromeveryinchofher,andIcouldtellshecaredaboutus.Shewanted
ustosucceedandbethebestwecouldbe.Inacutthroatindustryrifewithbackstabbingandunderminingothercreators,herdedicationtohelpingusperfectourcraftwithnoegosaidalotabouthercharacter.
“Fairenough.”Jackchuckled.“Seeyatomorrowthen.”
“Seeyou.”Iwavedgoodbyeandrummagedthroughmybagformyheadphoneswhilewalkingdownthesteps.Thatwasthedownsideofcarryingalargebag—itwasimpossibletofindanythingsmallerthanafull-sizedlaptop.
MyfingersclosedaroundthethinwhitewiresrightwhenIfeltaprickleofheatonmyneck.AnelectricawarenessIhadn’tfeltinmonths.
No.
Iwasafraidtolookup,butmycuriositygotthebetterofme.MypulsequickenedasIliftedmyeyesslowly.Higher…higher…andtherehewas,standinglessthanthreefeetawayinablackshirtandpants,lookinglikeagoddescendedfromtheheavenstowreakhavoconmystill-fragileheart.
Isworethepoorthingstoppedbeating.
Ihadn’tseenhiminpersonsincePhiladelphia,andthesightwastoomuch.Toovivid,toooverwhelming,toobeautifulandhorrifying.Thoseeyes,thatface,thewayIinstinctivelysteppedtowardhimbeforeIcaughtmyself…
Oxygengrewscarce.MychesttightenedthewayitusedtowhenIwasnearwater.Icouldfeelapanicattackcomingon,andIneededtoleavebeforeIcollapsedrightthereonthesidewalk,butmyfeetwouldn’tmove.
Thisisahallucination.Ithastobe.
Thatwastheonlyexplanationthatmadesense.WhyelsewouldAlexshowupinLondoninfrontofmyfellowshipheadquartersafterhalfayearofsilence?
Isqueezedmyeyesshut,countedtoten,andopenedthemagain.
Hewasstillhere.InLondon.Infrontofme.
Thepanicintensified.
“Hi,”hesaidsoftly.
Iflinchedatthesoundofhisvoice.Iflookingathimwasapunchinthegut,hearinghimwaslikegettingsteamrolledbyaMacktruck.
“Youcan’tbehere.”Itwasastupidthingtosaysincewewereonapublicsidewalkanditwasn’tlikeIcouldbanhimfromthecityofLondon,butoh,howIwishedIcould.Iwasalreadydrowninginhim,andit’dbeenlessthanfiveminutes.“Whyareyouhere?”
Alexstuffedhishandsinhispockets,histhroatflexingwithahardswallow.HiseyesflickeredwithuncertaintyastheysearchedmyfaceforsomethingIwasn’treadytogive.InalltheyearsI’dknownhim,I’dneverseenhimlooksonervous.“I’mhereforyou.”
“Youdon’tneedmeanymore.”Ialmostcouldn’thearmyselfoverthethunderousroarofmypulse.IregrettedthefalafelsandwichIateforlunch,whichthreatenedtomakeamessyreappearance.“Yougotyourrevenge,andI’mnotinterestedinwhatevernewgameyou’replaying.Soleave.Me.Alone.”
Painslashedacrosshisface.“Thisisn’tagame,Ipromise.Thisisjustme,askingyoufor…notforgiveness,notrightnow.Buthopethatoneday,youwon’thatemeandwemightgetasecondchance.”Heswallowedhard.“I’llalwaysneedyou,Sunshine.”
Sunshine.
Thewordtoreatme,rippedoffthescabsonmywoundsuntilIbledonceagain.
StopcallingmeSunshine.
Why?
Becauseit’snotmyname.
I’maware.It’sanickname.
“Yourpromisesmeannothingtome.”Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmyself,chilledtotheboneeventhoughthesunshonehighinthesky.“Eveniftheydid,they’resixmonthstoolate.”
I’dlivedlessthanahalf-hour’sdrivefromAlexallthosemonths,andheneveroncereachedout.Now,heshowedupinanothercountryaskingforasecondchance?Unbelievable.
Almostasunbelievableasthesmall,shamefulpartofmethatwantedtogivehimthatsecondchance.
Staystrong.
I’dsurvivedmultiplemurderattempts.Iconqueredmyaquaphobia.Icouldtalktothemanwhobrokemyheartwithoutfallingapart.
Hopefully.
“Iknow.”Alexexhaledashakybreath,hisbrowsdrawntightoverhiseyes.Helookedlesspolishedthanusual,withhisrumpledhairandfaintpurplesmudgesbeneathhiseyes.Iwonderedifhe’dbeengettingenoughsleep,thenmentallykickedmyselfforcaring.Hissleepinghabitsweren’tmybusinessanymore.“IthoughtIwasprotectingyou.Thatyouwerebetteroffwithoutme.Afterwhathappenedwithmyuncle,Icouldn’triskyougettinghurtagainbecauseofyourassociationwithme.ButIneverleftyoualone.Ihadsomeonekeepinganeyeonyou—”
“Wait.”Ihelduponehand.“Youhadmefollowed?
”
“Foryourprotection.”
Icouldn’tbelieveit.“Howisthatokay?That’s—that’scrazy!Howlong…ohmyGod.”Myeyeswidened.“DoyouhavesomeonefollowingmeinLondon,too?”
Hestaredatme,hisfacestony.
“Unreal,”Ibreathed.“Youaretrulypsycho.Whereishe?”Ilookedaroundfrantically.Ididn’tseeanyonesuspect,butthemostdangerouspeoplewerethosewholookedanythingbut.“Callhimoff.Rightnow.”
“Ialreadydid.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.Thatwastooeasy.“Youdid?”
“Yes,becauseI’mtakingoverhisduties.That’swhyittookmesolong.Ihadtomake…arrangementsformyabsenceinD.C.”Alex’smouthtwitchedatmystunnedexpression.“You’llbeseeingalotmoreofmefromnowon.”
“ThehellIwill.”Thethoughtofseeinghimeverydaysentmeintoatailspinofpanic.“I’llfilearestrainingorderagainstyou.Haveyouarrestedforstalking.”
“Youcantry,butIcan’tguaranteemyfriendsintheBritishgovernmentwillcomply.”Hisfacedarkened.“AndifyouthinkI’mleavingyoualoneandunprotectedanywhere,
youdon’tknowmeatall.”
“Idon’t
knowyou.Ihavenoideawhoareyouare.Ionlyknowthepersonyoushowedme,andhewasanillusion.Afantasy.”Emotioncloggedmythroat.“Iaskedyouthatdayifanyofithadbeenreal.Youlookedmeintheeyeandtoldmeitwasalessonforthefuture.So,considerthelessonlearned.”
Alexflinched.“Itwas
real,”hesaidhoarsely.“Allofit.”
Ishookmyhead,mychestachingsohardithurttobreathe.“Irealizeyou’repowerfulenoughthatIcan’tstopyoufromdoingwhatyouwant,butyou’rewastingyourtimeifyouthinkI’llfallforyourliesagain.”
“They’renotlies.Sunshine—”
“Don’t
callmethat!”Icouldn’tstemthetideoftearsgatheringinmyeyes.I’dbeendoingsowell,buteverysecondinAlex’spresenceerodedthedefensesI’dbuiltaroundmyheartuntilitlaynakedandvulnerableoncemore.“You’veruinedeverythingIoncethoughtwasbeautiful.Sunshine.Love.Evenfreakin’redvelvetcake,becauseitremindsmeofyou.
AndwhenIthinkofyou—”Asobrippedfrommythroat.“Ithinkofeverygoodmemorywehadandhowthey’renowtaintedbythefactyouwereusingmethewholetime.Ithinkofhowstupid
Iwasforfallingforyouandhowyoumust’velaughedatmewhenItoldyouIlovedyou.AndIthinkofallthosetimesyouwarnedmeaboutbeingtoosoft-hearted,butIignoredyoubecauseIbelievedtheworldwasaninherentlygoodplace.Well,congratulations.”Ibrushedthetearsfrommycheeks,buttheyfelltoofastformetomakemuchofadent.ThankGodmostofmyclassmateshadalreadyleftandthesurroundingstreetwasempty.“Thatwastheonetruthyouspoke.Iwas
toosoft-hearted,andtheworldisnottheplaceIthoughtitwas.It’scruelandit’svicious,andthere’snoplaceforsofthearts.”
“Sun—Ava,no.”Alexreachedforme,butIinstinctivelyrecoiled.Hurtfilledhisface.Hishandcurledintoafistthathestuffedbackinhispocket,andthetendonsinhisneckstretchedtaut.Idetectedatinytrembleinhisshouldersashespoke.“ThatwaswhatIbelievedbecauseI’dneverknownanythingelse,butyoushowedmethereis
beautyintheworld.IseeiteverytimeIlookatyou,orseeyousmile,orhearyoulaugh.Youbelievethebestofpeopleandthat’sastrength,notaweakness.Don’tletanyone,leastofallme,takethatawayfromyou.”Hiseyesburnedintomine,brightwithpain.“Youtoldmeoncetherewassomethingbeautifulwaitingforme,somethingthat’llrestoremyfaithinlife.I’vefoundit.It’syou.”
Iwantedtosinkintohiswordsuntiltheybecamemyreality,butI’dbeenburnedbefore.Whoknewwhathewantedfrommethistimearound?
“Youkeeptalkingaboutprotectingme,”Isaid.“Butyouhurtmemorethananyoneelseinmylife,evenMichael.EvenwhenIthoughtyouwereanass,Itrustedyoutotellthetruth,andyouturnedouttobethebiggestliarofall.Just…”Isuckedinadeepbreath,unabletolookathim,ithurtsomuch.“Leavemealone.”
Alex’schestheavedlikehecouldn’tgetenoughairintohislungs.“Ican’tdothat,sweetheart.I’llwaithoweverlongittakes,butI’llneverbeokaywithaworldinwhichyou’realone.”
“WhosaysIwillbe?MaybeI’llfindsomeoneelse.”
Hiseyesdarkenedintoafuriousshadeofemerald,andhisshoulderstensedevenmore.Somewhere,thunderboomed.Ihadn’tnoticedtheweathermorphfromsunnytoitscurrentgray,gloomystate,butIwouldn’tbesurprisedifAlexhadthepowertocontrolitwithhisemotions.“Thehellyouwill,”hesnarled.“I’llkillanymanthattouchesyou.”
“Youhavenoright,”Ihissedback.“Idon’tbelongtoyou.”
Themusclesinhisjawpopped.“That’swhereyou’rewrong.Ifuckedup.Massively.ButIwillearnyourforgivenessoneday,andyouare
mine.Always.Nomatterhowmuchtimeordistanceseparateus.”
Doyouknowwhatitmeanstobetakenbyme?Itmeansyou’remine.
Ishovedasidetheunbiddenmemory.“I’mnotarguingwithyouanylonger.”TherewasnowayIcouldfocusoneditingtonight,butatleastIcouldgohomeandcrymyselftosleeplikeapatheticmoron.Yayme.“YoucanwasteyourtimeinLondon,butitwon’tmatter.We’redone.”
IwalkedawaybeforeAlexcouldrespond.Undeterred,hefollowedme,hiseverystepmatchingtwoofmine.Dammit.
Whycouldn’tIhavebeenborntalllikeBridgetorStella?
Iduckedmyheadandpickedupmypace,tryingtoignorethemanbesidemeasdropsofrainsplashedonmyfaceanddampenedmyhair.
“Ava,please.”
Iclutchedmybagtomychest,usingitasarmorwhileIbulldozedmywaydownthesidewalk.
“Atleastletmedriveyouhome,”Alexpleaded.“It’snotsafe,walkinginthedark.”
I’dbeenwalkinghomeforthepasttwoweeksandhadnoissues.Ididn’tliveinthebestneighborhood,butitwasn’tawarzone.Ijusthadtokeepmywitsaboutme.Plus,Ihadpepperspray,andI’drestartedself-defenselessonsatalocalmartialartscenter.
Ididn’tsayanyofthattoAlexthough.
“It’scoldandraining,andyou’rewearingadress.”NomatterhowfastIwalked,Icouldn’tshakehim.“Sweetheart,please,you’llgetsick.”Hisvoicebrokeonthelastword.
Iclenchedmyteethsohardmyjawhurt.Ikeptmyheadlow,desperatetoreachthewarmsafetyofmyflat.Eventually,Alexstoppedtalkingandsimplywalkedbesideme,agloweringpresencewhoensuredeveryoneelsegavemeawideberth.
Afterwhatfeltlikeaneternity,wereachedmybuilding.Ididn’tlookathimasIfishedmykeyoutofmybagandjammeditintothelock.Waterstreakedmyface—fromtherainormytears,Icouldn’ttell.
Alexdidn’tfollowmeinsidethebuilding,butIcouldfeeltheheatofhisgazeasIslippedinside.
Don’tlook.Don’tlook.
ImadeithalfwayupthestairsbeforeIcaved.Theglasspaneabovethedoorprovidedaclearviewofthesidewalk,andalthoughIwasalreadyinthebuilding,Alexremainedoutside,soakedtothebone.Hisshirtclungtohissculptedtorso,andhishairplasteredtohisforehead,thelightbrowncoloralmostblackfromtherain.Heliftedhiseyesuntiltheymetminethroughtheglass,hisfacestampedwithequalpartsanguishanddetermination.
Andeventhoughconcrete,metal,andagooddozenfeetseparatedus,heexertedamagneticpullthatalmostconvincedmetoflingopenthedoorandpullhiminfromthecold.
Almost.
Iforcedmyselftoturnawayandrunuptherestofthestairstomyflatbeforemystupid,softheartgotmeintroubleagain.EvenafterIchangedandsteppedintotheshower,shivering,itsseductivewhisperscaressedmyearsandurgedmetogivein.
Askhimtocomein.It’sdarkandcoldoutside…Whatifhegetssick?Robbed?Hurt?
“Hewon’t,”Isaidoutloud,scrubbingmyskinsoharditturnedred.“AlexVolkovdoesn’tgethurt.Hedoes
thehurting.”
Theimageofhimstandingmiserablyintherainflashedthroughmymind,andIfalteredbeforescrubbingharder.Ididn’tmake
himfollowmeorstandoutthere.Ifhecaughtacoldor…orhypothermia,thatwasonhim.
Iswitchedoffthewaterwithshakyhands.
Ispentthenextfewhourseatinginstantramenandattemptingtoeditphotos,butIeventuallygaveup.Icouldn’tfocus,andmyeyesachedfromcrying.Ijustwantedtopretendthisafternoonneverhappened.
Icalleditanearlynightandclimbedintobed,resistingtheurgetolookoutthewindow.It’dbeenhours.Itwasn’tlikeAlexwouldstillbeoutthere.42
Ava
Alexlived
uptohispromise-slash-threatofshowingupevery.Single.Day.HewasthereinthemorningwhenIleftformyfellowship,usuallywithavanillalatteandblueberryscone—myfavorites.Hewastheretowalkmehomeaftermyworkshops.Othertimes,especiallywhenIwaswithotherpeopleorexploringthecityontheweekends,hewaslessconspicuous,buthewasthere.IfelthispresenceeventhoughIcouldn’tseehim.
IneverthoughtAlexVolkovwouldbecomemystalker,buttherewewere.
Ontopofthat,giftsarrivedeveryday.Bytheboatload.
Bytheendofthefirstweek,myapartmentlookedlikeIwasopeninganindoorgarden.Idonatedeverythingtoalocalhospital—therosesofeverycolor,thevividpurpleorchidsandsweetwhitelilies,thecheerfulsunflowersanddelicatepeonies.
Bytheendofthesecondweek,IownedenoughjewelrytomaketheDuchessofCambridgegreenwithenvy—atleast,untilIpawnedthem.ThesumIreceivedforthepileofdiamondearrings,sapphirebraceletsandrubynecklacesmademyeyeswater,butIdonatedmostofittovariouscharitiesandsavedtherestforlivingexpenses.Londonwasn’tcheap,andthefellowshipstipendwasn’texactlyprincely.
Bytheendofthethirdweek,Iwasknee-deepingourmetchocolates,giftbaskets,andcustom-madedesserts.
Ididn’tcareaboutfancyjewelsorflowers,sothosegiftsdidn’tmattertome.Itwasthelittlethingsthattoreholesinmyheart—theredvelvetcupcakesthatspelledoutI’mSorry
;arare,vintageJapanesecameraI’dsearchedforforyearsbuthadneverfoundforsale;theframedphotoofAlexandmeatthefallfestival.Ihadn’trealizedhe’dkeptacopyfromthephotobooth.
WhywouldIneedphotos?
Forthememories.Torememberpeopleandevents?
Idon’tneedphotosforthat.
Bytheendofthefourthweek,Iwastornbetweentearingmyhairoutinfrustrationandcrumblinglikeasandcastleathightide.
“Weneedtotalk,”IsaidFridayafternoonafterIleftmylightingtechniquesworkshop.Alexloungedagainstalightpoleoutsidethebuilding,infuriatinglygorgeousinjeansandawhiteT-shirt.Aviatorshidhiseyes,buttheintensityofhisgazesearedthroughtheglassesandburnedintomyflesh.
Agroupofpassingschoolgirlslookedhimover,gigglingandwhisperingamongstthemselves.
“Heissohot,
”Iheardoneofthemsquealwhenshethoughtshewasoutofearshot.
Spoiler:shewasn’t.
IwishedIcouldrunafterherandgivehersomeunsolicitedbig-sisteradvice.Don’tfallforguyswholookliketheycouldbreakyourheartbecausechancesare,theywill.
“Sure,”Alexsaid,unfazedbythegirls’attention.Hewasprobablyusedtoit.WhilehefollowedmearoundLondon,womenfollowedhim
arounduntilwealllookedlikewewereplayingagiantgameofFollowtheLeader.“Wecantalkoverdinner.”HismouthtwitchedwhenIglaredathim.
“That’snothappening.”Ilookedaroundandspottedatinyalcovefurtherdownthestreet.Notquiteanalleyway,butprivateenough.Ididn’twanttheotherfellowsseeinghimandaskingmorequestions.MosthadalreadynoticedAlexwaitingformeeverydayandincorrectlyassumedhewasmyboyfriend.“Overthere.”
ImarchedtowardthealcoveandwaiteduntilwewereensconcedinthetinyspacebeforeIspokeagain.“Youhavetostop.”
Alexraisedaneyebrow.“Stop…?”
“Thegifts.Thewaiting.Thegames.Theywon’twork.”Lies.
Theywereclosetoworking,whichwaswhyIwasfreakingout.Ifhekeptthisup,Ididn’tknowhowlongIcouldholdout.
Hissmilefaded.“Itoldyou,I’mnotplayinggames.Ifyouwantmetostopwiththegifts,I’llstop.ButI’llneverstopwaiting.”
“Why?”Ithrewmyhandsupinfrustration.“Youcanhaveanywomanyouwant.Why
areyoustillhere?”
“Becausenoneofthemareyou.I…”Alex’sthroatflexedwithahardswallow.Thenervousexpressionreturned.“Ididn’twanttoadmitit,eventomyself,but—”
“No.”Myheartbrokeintoagallop.Iknewwhathewouldsaynext,andIwasnowherenearreadytohearit.“Don’t.”
“Ava,Iloveyou.”Hiseyesflickeredwithemotion,andmychestsqueezeduntilIthoughtitwouldburst.“Whenyoutoldmeyoulovedme,Ididn’tsayitbackbecauseIdidn’tfeellikeIdeservedyourlove.Youdidn’tknowthetruthaboutmyplanyet,andIdidn’tthink…fuck.”Herubbedthebackofhisneck,lookinguncharacteristicallyflustered.“Thiswasn’thowI’dplannedtosayit,”hemuttered.“Butit’strue.AndmaybeIstilldon’tdeserveyou,butI’mwillingtoworkatituntilIdo.”
“Youdon’tloveme.”Ishookmyhead,myeyesandnoseburningwithunshedtears.I’dcriedsomuchlatelyIannoyedmyself,butIcouldn’tstop.“Youdon’tevenknowwhatloveis.YouliedandusedmeandJoshforeightyears.Eightyears.
That’snotlove.That’smanipulation.Insanity.”
“Itstartedoutthatway,butJoshreallydidbecomemybestfriend,andIreallydidfallforyou.”Alexletoutashortlaugh.“YouthinkIwanted
thosethingstohappen?Ididn’t.Theycompletelyscrewedmyplansover.IheldoffonbringingdownMichaelforyearsbecauseofyouandJosh.”
“Howgenerousofyou,”Isaidsarcastically.
Hisjawtightened.“IneverclaimedtobePrinceCharming,andmyloveisn’tafairytaletypeoflove.I’mafucked-uppersonwithfucked-upmorals.Iwon’twriteyoupoemsorserenadeyoubeneaththemoonlight.Butyouaretheonly
womanIhaveeyesfor.Yourenemiesaremyenemies,yourfriendsaremyfriends,andifyouwanted,Iwouldburndowntheworldforyou.”
Myheartsplitinhalf.Iwantedsobadlytobelievehim,but…“Evenifthat’strue,it’snotaboutlove.It’sabouttrust,andIdon’ttrustyouanymore.Youprovedyou’rethemasterofthelonggame.Whatifthisisjustanotheroneofthose?Whatifoneday,tenyearsfromnow,Iwakeupandyoubreakmyheartagain?Iwon’tsurviveitasecondtime.”
Ifthesourceoftheheartbreakwereanyoneelse,maybe.ButnotAlex.Hewasembeddednotonlyinmyheartbutinmysoul,andifIlosthimagainforwhateverreason,itwasgameover.
“Ava.”Alex’svoicecracked.Redrimmedhiseyes,andIcould’veswornhewasonthevergeofcrying.ButthiswasAlex.Hedidn’tcry.Hewasn’tcapableofit.“Sweetheart,please.TellmewhatIhavetodo.I’lldoanything.”
“Idon’tknowifthere’sanythingyoucando,”Iwhispered.“I’msorry.”
“ThenI’lljusthavetotryeverythinguntilwefindsomething,”hesaid,hisfacegranite,histoneresolute.
Alexwouldn’tgiveupuntilhegotwhathewanted.Itwasn’tinhisnature.ButifIgaveintohimthewaymyheartwantedbutmymindscreamedatmenotto,howcouldIlivewithmyself?Arelationshipwithouttrustwasbuiltonafoundationofsand,andafteralifetimeofdrifting,Ineededsolidground.
“GohometoD.C.,Alex,”Isaid,exhausted—mentally,physically,andemotionally.“Youhaveabusinesstorun.”EvenasIsaidthewords,mystomachlurchedatthethoughtofanoceanseparatingusagain.
Iwasamess.IhadnocluewhatIwanted,mythoughtsracedtoofastformetolatchontoanyofthem,and—
“IresignedasCEO,effectiveonemonthago.”
Thatshockedmeoutofmyreverie.“What
?”HewasthemostambitiouspersonIknew,andhe’dbeenCEOforlessthanayear.
Whyhadn’tIheardaboutthis?Thenagain,Ididn’tfollowfinancialnews,andI’davoidedanynewsaboutAlexhimself.
Alexshrugged.“Icouldn’tstayonasCEOwhilespendingallmytimeinLondonwithyou,soIresigned,”hesaidmatter-of-factly,likehehadn’tgivenuphislife’sworkonawhim.ExceptAlexdidnothingonawhim.Hethoughtthrougheverymove,andhislatestonemadenosense.Notunless…
Isquashedthebriefflareofhopebeforeitcouldblossomintosomethinggreater.
“Butwhataboutmoneyandexpenses?”IrealizedhowdumbthatquestionwasthesecondIaskedit.
Alex’smouthtiltedup.“Ihaveenoughinstocks,investments,andsavingstolastmetherestofmylife.IworkedbecauseIwantedto.Butnow,Iwanttodosomethingelse.”
Iswallowed,mypulsethundering.“What’sthat?”
“Winyouback.Nomatterhowlongittakes.”43
Ava
Thefellowshipended
withagrandexhibitionattendedbythemoversandshakersofLondon’sartworld.TheexhibitiontookplaceinShoreditch,andeveryfellowhadtheirownsectioninthepop-upgallery.
Itwasexhilarating,nerve-wracking,andutterlysurreal.
Istaredatmylittlesliceofheavenandthepeoplepassingthroughit,dressedtotheninesandexaminingeachpiecewithwhatIhopedwereadmiringeyes.
I’dgrownbyleapsandboundsasaphotographeroverthepastyear,andwhileIstillhadalottolearn,Iwasdamnproudofmywork.IspecializedintravelportraitslikeDianeLange,butIputmypersonalspinonit.AsmuchasIadmiredher,Ididn’twanttobe
her;Iwantedtobemyownperson,withmyownvisionandcreativeideas.
ItookmostofmyshotsinLondon,butthegoodthingaboutEuropewashoweasyitwastotraveltoothercountries.Ontheweekends,ItooktheEurostartoParisordaytripstotheCotswolds.IevenbookedshortflightstoneighboringcountrieslikeIrelandandtheNetherlandsanddidn’tfreakoutontheplane.
MyfavoritepiecewasaportraitoftwooldmenplayingchessataparkinParis.Onehadhisheadtossedbackinlaughterwithacigaretteinhandwhiletheotherexaminedtheboardwithafurrowedbrow.Theemotionsfrombothjumpedoutfromthephoto,andI’dneverbeenprouder.
“Howdoyoufeel?”Dianecameupbesideme.Herpaleblondehairbrushedhershoulders,andherblack-rimmedglassesmatchedherblackjacketandpantscombo.She’dbeenthebestmentorIcouldaskforduringthefellowship,andnowIconsideredherbothafriendandrolemodel.
Me,friendswithDianeLange.
Surreal.
“Ifeel…everything,”Iadmitted.“Warningthough,Imightalsothrowup.”
Shethrewherheadbackandlaughed,notunlikethemaninthephoto.ThatwasoneofmyfavoritethingsaboutDiane.Whetheritwasjoy,sadness,oranger,sheexpressedheremotionsfullyandwithoutreserve.Shepouredherselfintotheworldwiththeconfidenceofsomeonewhorefusedtoholdherselfbacktomakeotherscomfortable,andsheshoneallthebrighterforit.
“That’snormal,”shesaid,hereyestwinkling.“Iactuallydidthrowupduringmyfirstexhibition.PukedalloveraserverandaguestwhohappenedtobeoneofParis’spremierartcollectors.Iwasmortified,buthewasagoodsportaboutit.Endedupbuyingtwoofmypiecesthatnight.”
Ichewedonmybottomlip.Thatwasanotherthing.Allthefellows’photoswereupforsaletonight.Mycohorthadturneditintoacompetitiontoseewhocouldsellthemostandthereforeboasttheywere“thebest,”butIwouldbehappyifIsoldone.
Knowingthatsomeone,anyone,likedmyworkenoughtopayforitsentaswarmofhappyjittersthroughmystomach.
“IhopeI’llhaveasgoodanight,”Isaid,becauseIhadn’tsoldanythingyet.
ThetwinkleinDiane’seyesintensified.“Youalreadyhave.Better,infact.”
Itiltedmyheadinconfusion.
“Someoneboughtallyourpieces.Everysingleone.”
Ialmostchokedonmychampagne.“Wh-what?”Theexhibitionstartedanhourago.Howwasthatpossible?
“Seemslikeyouhaveanadmirer.”Shewinked.“Don’tlooksosurprised.Yourworkisgood.Reallygood.”
Ididn’tcarehowgoodmyworkwas;Iwasanunknownname.Anewbie.Newbiesdon’tselloutoftheirentirecollectionthatfastunless…
Myheartthumped—inwarningorexcitement,Iwasn’tsure.
Iglancedfranticallyaroundthegallery,searchingforthickbrownhairandcoolgreeneyes.
Nothing.
Buthewashere.Hewasmyanonymousbuyer.Ifeltitinmygut.
AlexandIhaddevelopedanew…well,Iwasn’tsureifIcouldcallitafriendship,butitwasastepupfromwhateverwehadwhenhearrivedinLondonayearago.Hestillwaitedformeinfrontofmyflateverymorningandwalkedmehomeaftermyworkshopseveryafternoon.Sometimeswetalked,sometimeswedidn’t.Hehelpedmepracticemyself-defensemoves,assembledmynewdiningtableaftermyoldonebroke,andservedasadefactoassistantonsomeofmyphotoshoots.Ithadtakenalong
timebeforewereachedthatpoint,butwe’dgottenthere.
Hewastrying.Morethantrying.AndwhileI’dregainedamodicumoftrustinhim,somethingheldmebackfromfullyforgivinghim.IcouldseehowmuchithurthimeverytimeIpushedhimaway,butthewoundsfromhisandMichael’sbetrayals—whiletheywere
healing—randeep,andIwasstilllearningtotrustmyself,muchlessotherpeople.
Josh,who’dgraduatedmedschoollastmonth,hadvisitedafewtimes,andImadeAlexstayoutofsightwhilehewasintown.JoshwasstillfuriouswithAlex,andIdidn’tneedthemgettingintoafistfightinthemiddleofLondon.Jules,Bridget,andStellahadvisitedtoo.Ihadn’ttoldthemaboutAlex,butIhadahunchBridgetknewsomethingwasup—she’dkeptlookingatmewithaknowingglintinhereyes.
Microphonefeedbackrippledthroughtheair,andthecrowdquieted.Thefellowshipdirectorwalkedonstageandthankedeveryoneforattending,shehopedtheywerehavingagoodtime,blahblahblah.Itunedherout,toointentonmysearchtopayattention.
Wherewashe?
Alexwasn’tonetohideintheshadowsunlesshedidn’twanttobeseen,andIcouldn’tthinkofanyreasonhe’dwanttolielowtonight.
“…specialperformance.PleaseputyourhandstogetherforAlexVolkov!”
Thiswasmaddening.Hadsomething—wait,what?
Myheadsnappedup,andmystomachtumbledintofreefall.
Therehewas.Blacktuxedo,unreadableexpression,hishairgleaminggoldenbrownbeneaththelights.Therewerealmosttwohundredpeopleintheroom,buthiseyesfoundmineimmediately.
Mypulsethumpedwithanticipation.
Whatwashedoingonstage?
Igotmyansweraminutelater.
“Irealizethisisquiteasurprise,asaliveperformancewasn’tintheprogramtonight,”Alexsaid.“Andifyouknowme,youknowI’mnotfamousformypatronageofthearts—ormysingingskills.”Softlaughterrippledthroughthecrowd,alongwithafewknowinglooks.Alexwaitedforthechucklestodiedownbeforehecontinued,hisgazeburningintomine.“Whetherit’smusic,photography,film,orpainting,theartsreflecttheworldaroundus,andfortoolong,Ionlysawthedarkside.Theseedyunderbellies,theuglytruths.Photographsremindedmeofmomentsintimethatneverlasted.Songsremindedmethatwordshavethepowertoripone’sheartout.Why,then,wouldIcareaboutartwhenitwassoterribleanddestructive?”ItwasaboldstatementtomakeinfrontofLondon’sartworld,butnooneheckled.Noonesomuchasbreathed.Alexhadusallunderthespellofhiswords.“ThensomeonecameintomylifeandupendedeverythingIthoughtIknew.ShewaseverythingIwasn’t—pure-hearted,trusting,optimistic.Sheshowedmethebeautythatexistedinthisworld,andthroughher,Ilearnedthepoweroffaith.Joy.Love.ButI’mafraidI’vetaintedherwithmyuntruths,andI’mhoping,withallofmyheart,thatonedayshe’llfindherwayoutofthedarknessandintothelightagain.”
TheroomrangwithbreathlesssilenceattheendofAlex’sspeech.Myheartwaspounding,poundingsohardIfeltitinmythroat.Mystomach.Mytoes.Ifeltitineveryinchofme.
Thenheopenedhismouthagain,andmyheartstoppedaltogether.Becausethevoicethatcameoutandfilledtheroom?ItwasthemostbeautifulthingI’deverheard.
Itwasn’tjustme,either—everyonestaredatAlexwithraptfascination,andIwasprettysureafewofthewomenstraight-upswooned.
Ipressedmyfisttomymouthasthelyricsflowedoverme.Itwasasongaboutloveandheartbreak.Betrayalandredemption.Regretandforgiveness.Eachwordtoremeapart,asdidthefactthatAlexsangatall.NomatterhowmuchI’dcajoledorbeggedinthepast,itwastheonethinghe’drefusedtodo
Untilnow.
Iunderstoodwhyhe’drefused.Alexdidn’tjustsing,hesang.
Withemotion,withbeauty,withsomuchrawnessittookmybreathaway.Hebaredhissoulwitheachnote,andforamanwhothoughthissoulwasirrevocablydamned,thethoughtofdoingthatinfrontofanaudiencemust’vebeenunbearable.
Alexfinishedtothunderousapplause.Hisgazelingeredonmineforonelongmomentbeforehedisappearedoffstage,andthecrowdbrokeupintoexcitedchatterandgasps.
MyfeetmovedbeforeIcouldthink,butIonlymadeittwostepsbeforeDianestoppedme.
“Ava,beforeyouleave,there’ssomeoneIwantyoutomeet,”shesaid.“TheeditorofWorldGeographic
ishere,andthey’realwayslookingfortalentedyoungphotographers.”
“I—okay.”Ilookedaround,butIdidn’tseeAlexanywhere.
“Iseverythingallright?Youseemdistracted.”Dianeexaminedmewithconcern.“You’vebeentalkingaboutWorldGeographic
allyear.Ithoughtyou’dbemoreexcited.”
“Yes,I’mfine.Sorry,I’mjustalittleoverwhelmed.”Normally,Iwould’vefangirledatthethoughtofmeetingtheeditorofWorldGeographic,
atravelandculturemagazinefamousforitsstunningphotographsandstorytelling,butallIcouldthinkaboutwasAlex.
“Thatwasquiteaperformance,huh?”Dianegrinnedassheledmetowardanoldermanwithsilver-streakedhairandathickbeard.LaurentBoucher.Irecognizedhimimmediately.“IfIweretwentyyearsyounger…”
Iforcedaweaklaugh.
“Notthatitwoulddomemuchgood.Heseemedtoonlyhaveeyesforyou.”Shewinkedatme.
Heatroseonmyface,andImumbledanincoherentresponsebeforewereachedLaurent.
“Diane,goodtoseeyouagain.”Laurent’sdeepvoicerumbledwithacharmingFrenchaccentasheair-kissedher.“Youlooklovelyasalways.”
“You’realwayssuchacharmer.”Dianeinclinedherheadtowardme.“Laurent,IwantyoutomeetAva.She’sthefellowIwastellingyouabout.”
“Ah,ofcourse.”Laurentturnedhispiercingdarkeyesonme.“IwastalkingtoDianeaboutyourexhibitearlierthisevening.You’requitetalented—youngstill,andyourworkcouldusealittlemorerefinement,butyouhaveextraordinarypotential.”
“Thankyou,sir.”BetweenAlex’sperformanceandpraisefromLaurentfreakin’Boucher,thiswholeeveningwassurreal.
“Please,callmeLaurent.”
Wechattedforanotherfifteenminutes,duringwhichDianeexcusedherselftospeakwiththefellowshipdirector.Attheendofourconversation,LaurenthandedmehiscardandtoldmetobeintouchifIwasinterestedinfreelancingforajuniorroleatWorldGeographic
.Um,yes
.Iwasoverthemoonabouttheopportunity,butIcouldn’thelpbreathingasighofreliefwhenLaurentgotdistractedbyanotheracquaintance.
IthankedhimandlefttosearchforAlex,butIwasinterruptedagain
byagroupoffellowswhoheardI’dalreadysoldmyentirecollectionandwantedtoknowwhothebuyerwas.ItoldthemIdidn’tknow,whichwastechnicallytrue.
Thatkepthappeningtheentireevening.I’dendoneconversationonlytogetdrawnintoanother.Iwasgratefulforallthepeoplewhowantedtoconnectandcongratulateme,butdammit,AlexwastheonlypersonIwantedtotalkto
Bytheendofthenight,Ihadn’tcaughtasingleglimpseofhimsincehisperformance.Myfeethurt,mycheeksachedfromconstantsmiling,andmystomachgrowledfromthelackoffood.Iwasalwaystoonervoustoeatatevents.
GueststrickledoutuntilIwasoneofonlyahandfulofpeopleleftinthegallery,includingthecleanupcrew.
Icouldn’tbelieveAlexwouldleavewithoutawordafterwhathedid,buttherewasnodenyingit—hewasn’there.
“Hey,Ava.”
Iperkedup,butdisappointmentslammedintomeasecondlaterwhenIsawwhothespeakerwas.
“Hey,Jack.”Ifixedanothersmileonmyface.“Ithoughtyouleft.”
“Nah.SeemsI’mastraggler,justlikeyou.”Hisblueeyestwinkled.“Youwannagrababite?Icouldn’teatathingallnight.Nerves,”heexplained.
“Ifeelthat.”
“Nerves?C’mon,yousoldyourentirecollection.
That’sincredible!UnheardofinWFPhistory.”Jackhuggedme.“Weshouldcelebrate.Maybewithaproperdinneranddrinks?Doesn’thavetobetonightifyou’retootired,”headded.
Iblinked,sureI’dreadhistonewrong.“Areyou…askingmeout?”
Jackhadbecomeagoodfriendoverthepastyear,andIenjoyedhangingoutwithhim.Hewasn’tunattractiveeither,withhislongishblondhair,Australianaccent,andsun-kissedsurfervibes.ButwhenIlookedathim,mystomachdidn’tflutterandmyheartdidn’tskipabeat.
Onlyonepersonintheworldcouldmakemefeelthatway,andhewasn’there.
Jackblushed.“Yeah.”Heflashedasheepishsmile.“I’vewantedtoaskyououtforawhile,butIdidn’twanttomakethingsawkwardduringthefellowship.Sincetheprogramisovernow,Ifigured,whynot?You’rebeautiful,funny,talented,andwegetalongwell.”Hepaused.“Ithink.”
“Wedo.”Iplacedahandonhisarm.“You’reoneofmyclosestfriendshere,andI’msogladImetyou.You’reagreatguy—”
“Ouch.”Jackwinced.“Ifeellikethat’snotagoodthingwhenusedinthiscontext.”
Ilaughed.“No,trustme,it’sagoodthing.You’recuteandfunnyandtalentedtoo,andanygirlwouldbeluckytodateyou.”
“Isenseabutcoming,”hesaidwryly.
“But—”
“Butshe’sbusy,”asmoothvoiceinterrupted.“Fromtonightthroughtheforeseeablefuture.”
Iturned,mypulseacceleratingwhenIsawAlexstandinglessthanfivefeetaway.HisgazezeroedinonwhereIwasstilltouchingJack’sarm.Ipulledaway,butitwastoolate.Icouldpracticallytastethedangerpulsingintheair.
Gonewasthemanwho’dbaredhissoulonstage;inhisplacewastheruthlessCEOwhowouldn’thesitatetocrushhisenemiesintodust.
“You’retheguywhoperformedtonightandisalwayswaitingforAvaoutsideWYP.”Jacknarrowedhiseyes.“Whoareyouagain?”
“Someonewhowillripyourentrailsoutandstrangleyouwiththemifyoudon’ttakeyourhandsoffher,”Alexsaidinadeceptivelycalmvoice.
ItwasonlythenthatIrealizedJackstillhadhishandonthesmallofmybackfromwhenhe’dhuggedmeearlier
“You’repsycho.”Jacktightenedhisholdonme,andIsuddenlyfearedforhislife.“I’mcallingsecurity—”
“No,it’sfine.Iknowhim,”IblurtedbeforeJackcouldgethimselfintomoretrouble.“He’s,uh,pronetohyperbole.”Itookastepback,forcingJacktoreleaseme.“Ineedtotalktohim,butI’llseeyoulater,okay?”
Heshotmeadisbelievinglook.“Ava,he’s—”
“I’llbefine,”Isaid,mytonefirm.“Ipromise.He’sanold,um,acquaintancefromD.C.”
DispleasureradiatedfromAlexinwaves.Hisgazeboreintomewithlaserintensity,butIignoreditthebestIcould.
“Okay.”Jackrelented.“Textmewhenyou’rehomesafe.”Hekissedmycheek,andalowgrowlfilledtheroom.
JackflinchedandcastanothersuspiciousglancetowardAlexbeforeleaving
IwaiteduntilhewasoutofearshotbeforeIpinnedAlexwithmyownwarningstare.“Don’teventhinkaboutit.”
“Thinkaboutwhat?”
“DoinganythingtoJack.Orhiringanyonetodoanythingtohim,”Iadded,becauseonealwaysneededtocoverone’sbaseswithAlex.Hewasthekingofloopholes.
“Ididn’trealizeyoucaredsomuchabouthim,”Alexsaid,hisvoicecold.
Iclenchedmyteeth.“Howisitpossibleyou’rethesameguywhosangearliertonight?Oneisanasshole,theotheris…”
“Iswhat?”Alexwalkedtowardme,andmymouthdried.“Iswhat,Ava?”
“Youknowwhat.”
“Idon’t.”
Iexhaledashakysigh.“Yousang.Inpublic.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“WhydoIdoanythingthesedays?”Hebrushedhisfingersovermycheek,andshiversofpleasureskateddownmyspine.“I—”Hepaused,hisjawworkingbeforehesaidcarefully,“I’mnotthebestatexpressingmyemotions.That’swhyI’veneverlikedsinging.It’sallemotion,anditfeelstoovulnerable.Ican’tstandit.ButIsaidI’mwillingtodowhateverittakestowinyouback,andImeantit,justasImeanteverywordinthatsong.Thatsongwasforyou.ButI’mrunningoutofideas,sweetheart.”Alexrubbedhisthumboverthecurveofmyjawandgavemeasadsmile.“Doyouknowthisisthefirsttimeyou’veletmetouchyouinoverayear?”
Iopenedmymouthtoarguebecausethatcouldn’tpossiblybetrue…exceptitwas.AmontageofimagesflashedthroughmymindofmeshrinkingbackorturningawayeverytimeAlexreachedformeoverthepasttwelvemonths.NotbecauseIdidn’twant
himtotouchme,butbecauseIdidn’ttrustmyselfnottocaveifhegotthatcloseagain.Heneversaidanything,butI’dcaughtthehurtandpaininhiseyes.
“Ilookedforyouafter,”Isaid,mychinwobbling.“Icouldn’tfindyou.Youdisappeared.”
“It’syourbignight.Ididn’twanttotakethatawayfromyou.”
“Ithoughtyouleft.”Ididn’tknowwhy,butIstartedcrying.Thetearsdrippeddownmycheeks,andmysnifflesechoedintheemptygallery.Iwasmortified,butatleastweweretheonlypeoplethere.Therehadtobestaffsomewhereinthebuildingortheywould’vekickedusout,butIcouldn’tseethem.
“Iwouldneverleaveyou.”Alexdrewmeintohischest,andIsankintohisembraceforthefirsttimeinwhatfeltlikeforever.Itwaslikereturninghomeafteralong,lonelytripabroad.I’dforgottenhowsafeIfeltinhisarms,likenothingandnoonecouldhurtme.ThatIfeltthiswayevenafterwhathedidspokevolumes.“Doyouwant
metoleave?”heaskedgruffly.
Iburiedmyfaceinhischestandshookmyhead.Hesmelledlikewarmthandspice,anditwassofamiliaritmademyhearthurt.
Imissedit.Imissedhim.
EventhoughI’dseenAlexeverydayforthepastyear,itwasn’tthesameastouchinghimandactuallybeing
withhim.
“Doyoumissme,sweetheart?”Hisvoicegentled.
Inodded,myfacestillburiedinhischest.
Allthistime,I’dbeenafraidtolethimbackin,partlybecauseIdidn’ttrusthim,butmostlybecauseIdidn’ttrustmyself.AfterbeingliedtoforsolongbytwopeopleI’dloved,I’dbeguntothinkofmyheartasmyenemyandnotmyfriend.HowcouldItrustmyinstinctswhenthey’dledmesoastrayinthepast?
ButthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealizedIhadn’t
beenwrong.I’dthoughtMichaelwasmyrealfatherandthathe’dsavedmylife,butI’dalwaysfeltuncomfortablearoundhim.Ineverbondedwithhimthewayadaughtershouldwithherfather.Ifigureditwasbecausehe’dbeenuncomfortablearoundme,andwhilethatmayhaveplayedapart,ithadmostlybeenasixthsensethatwarnedmenottogettooclose.
AsforAlex,he’dpulledthewooloverbothmyandJosh’seyes.Butinmyheartofhearts,Ibelievedhimwhenhesaidourrelationshipandhisfeelingswerereal.
WasthereachanceIwaswrong,andthiswasyetanotherfucked-uplonggame?Yes,thoughIdidn’tseewhatelsehecouldwantfromme.He’dtargetedMichaelbasedonfalseinformation,andevenifhehadn’t,Michaelwasalreadyoutofthepicture—he’dbeenfoundguiltyofmultiplechargesofattemptedmurderandcorporatefraud,andhefacedlifeinprison.
ButI’drathertakealeapoffaiththanspendtherestofmylifelivinginfearofsomethingthatmight
happen.Iwassickandtiredoflettingmyfearsholdmeback,whetheritwasoverwater,heartbreak,orsomethingelse.
Theonlywaytolivelifewastolive
it.Nofears,regrets.
Alexpulledbackbutkeptonearmaroundmywaist.Hetiltedmychinup,hiseyesboringintomine.“Doyouwantmetostay?”
Hewasn’ttalkingaboutthegallery,andwebothknewit.
Iswallowedhardandnoddedagain.“Yes,”Iwhispered.
ThewordhadbarelyleftmymouthbeforeAlexyankedmetowardhimandcrushedhislipstomine.Itwasn’tasweet,leisurelykiss.ItwasfierceanddesperateandeverythingIneeded.Ashudderofreliefrippledthroughhimbeneathmypalms,andIhadn’trealizedhowtensehe’dbeenuntilnow.
“Youknowthere’snogettingridofmenow,”hewarned,histouchhotandpossessiveashegrippedmyhands.
“Thatwouldn’thavehappened,anyway.”
Heletoutasoftchuckle.“Nowyou’regettingit.”
Hismouthclaimedmineoncemore,andIwassolostinhiskiss,hisscent,histouchthatIdidn’tnoticewe’dmoveduntilmybackhitthewall.
“Alex?”
“Hmm?”Hepulledmybottomlipbetweenhisteethandbitlightlybeforechasingawaythestingwithhistongue.Full-ontinglesspreadfrommyscalpallthewaydowntomytoes.
“Don’tbreakmyheartagain.”
Alex’sfacesoftened.“Iwon’t.Trustme,sweetheart.”
“Ido.”Itwasthetruth.I’dseentherealAlextonight,strippedofallhismasks,andItrustedhimwithallmyheart.
Hegavemeoneofhisrealsmilesthen,thekindthatcouldstartanuclearreactionanddestroytheentirefemalepopulationinonefellswoop.
“Also,I…”Iblushed.“ImisswhenyoucallmeSunshine.”
Alex’seyesflaredwithheat.“Yeah?”Heslidmyskirtup,inchbyinch,untilthecoolairhitmyassandupperthighs.“Whatelsedoyoumiss?”Hedippedhishandinsidemyalready-drenchedpantiesandbrushedthesensitivenubbetweenmylegs.“Doyoumissthis?”
Awhimperescaped.“Yes.”
“Whataboutthis?”HepressedhisbodyagainstmineuntilIfelthisrock-harderectionagainstmythigh.Heatsizzledthroughmyveins.Ihadn’thadsexinayearandahalf,andmysexualfrustrationwasavolcanowaitingtoexplode.
“Yes.Please,”Imoaned.
“ItoldtherestofthestafftoleavebeforeIcametoseeyou.It’sjustyouandme,Sunshine.”Hisbreathtickledmyskinashedraggedhismouthdownmyneckuntilhereachedthepulseflutteringwildlyatthebaseofmythroat.“I’mgoingtofuckyouagainstthiswalluntilyoucan’trememberyourownname,butbeforeIdo—”Hegrabbedmythroat,hisvoicedroppingtoasoftsnarl.Mycorespasmedinresponse.“Tellmeabouttheblondfuckerwhoaskedyouout.Didyoulethimtouchyou,Sunshine?Didyoulethimtouchwhatwasmine?”
Ishookmyhead,practicallypantingfromarousal.
Alex’sgriptightened.“Areyoulyingtosavehim?”
“No,”Imoaned.“Iswear.Idon’tthinkofhimthatway.”
Igaspedwhenhespunmearoundandpressedmycheekagainstthewall.Theicyconcretedugintomyheatedskin,andmynippleshardenedintopainfulpoints.
Alexyankedupmyskirtandshovedasidemypantieswithhisfreehand.“Youdon’tthinkabouthimever,”hegrowled.Iheardhisbeltunbucklingandhispantsunzipping.“I’mtheonlymaninyourmind.Inyourmouth.Inyourtightlittlepussy.Doyouunderstand?”
“Yes!”IwassodeliriouswithlustIwould’vesaidyestoanythingatthispoint.
“Tellmewhoyoubelongto.”Heslidhiscockagainstmydrenchedfolds,andIalmosthadamini-orgasmfromthatsimpleactionalone.
“Ibelongtoyou.”
Alexhissedoutabreath,andthatwastheonlywarningIreceivedbeforeheslammedintome.Heclappedahandovermymouth,mufflingmyscreams,butIwassofargoneIbarelynoticed.Icouldonlyfocusonthesensationofhiscockpoundingintomeandthepleasurecrashingovermeinwaves.
Theframedphotosfromtheexhibitionbangedagainstthewallwitheachthrust,andIdimlyheardsomethingcrashingtotheground.IwasabouttocomewhenAlexspunmearoundagainsowefacedeachother.Hisskinwasflushedwithexertion,hiseyesdarkwithlust.
HewasthemostbeautifulthingI’deverseen.
Hecrushedhislipstomine,hardanddemanding.Iyieldedwithnoresistance,lettinghimintoeverypartofme—myheart,mysoul,mylife.
Andyouknowwhat?
AlexandI,wefitperfectly.Epilogue
AVA
“Ikickedyourass.”
“Youdidnot
kickmyass,”Ralphgrumbled.“Yougotluckywiththatlastpunch.”
“It’sallright.”Alexadjustedhisshirtsleeves,hiseyesgleamingwithamixtureoftriumphandamusement.“Everystudenteventuallybecomestheteacher.”
“Boy,I’llknockyouupsidetheheadifyoudon’tstoptalkingnonsense.”Despitehisgruffwords,Ralphwassmiling.
“WhatdidIsayaboutarguingatthetable?”Ralph’swife,Missy,raisedhereyebrows.“Stopquibblingsowecanallenjoydinner.”
IhidasmilewhenAlexandRalphmutteredundertheirbreathsbutcomplied
“Whatwasthat?”Herbrowsrosehigher.
“Nothing,”theychorused.
“Teachmeyourways,”IwhisperedtoMissywhiletheguysbusiedthemselveswiththeroastchickenandgarlicmashedpotatoes.“Howdoyoudoit?”
Shelaughed.“Whenyou’vebeenmarriedforthirty-plusyears,youlearnafewthings.Besides…”Hereyestwinkledwithmischief.“JudgingbythewayAlexlooksatyou,Idon’tthinkyouhavetoworryaboutkeepinghiminline.”
AlexlookedupatthesamemomentIglancedathim.Hewinked,hismouthcurvingintoadevilishsmirkthathadmytoescurlinginmyboots.
Iknewwhatthatsmirkforeshadowed.
Heatroseonmycheeks,andIpretendedtobefascinatedwithmyplatewhileAlex’slowchucklerumbledacrossthetable.
Missydidn’tmissasecondofit.“Oh,tobeyoungandinlove.”Shesighed.“RalphandImarriedwhenwewereinourearlytwenties.I’veenjoyedeveryminute—exceptwhenheleaveshisdirtyclotheseverywhereandrefusestoseethedoctor—butthere’snothinglikethepassionthatcomeswithyouth.Everything’ssofreshandnew.Andthestamina.Whew!”Shefannedherself.“Wewerelikebunnies,letmetellyou.”
Bynow,mycheekswerethecolorofthecranberrysauceonthetable.
IadoredMissy.Imetheraweekago,whenAlexandIarrivedatherandRalph’sVermontfarmforanextendedThanksgivingweekend,butIimmediatelytookashinetoher.Warm,friendly,anddown-to-earth,shebakedameanpumpkinpieandhadapenchantforraunchyjokes—andraunchypersonalstories.
Thismorning,outoftheblue,sheaskedwhetherI’deverhadathreesome—Ihadn’t—andI’dnearlysprayedorangejuicealloverhercherrywoodtable.
“Ididn’tmeantoembarrassyou.”Missypattedmyarm,butthesparkofmischiefremainedinhereyes.“I’mjustsothrilledAlexisdating.I’veknownthatboyforyears,andI’veneverseenhimlookatsomeonethewayhedoesyou.I’vealwayssaidhejustneedstherightwomantoopenhimup.HewaswoundtighterthanaVictoriancorset.”
Ileanedtowardherandsaidinaconspiratorialwhisper,“Honestly,notmuchhaschanged.”
“YouknowIcanheareverythingyou’resaying,”Alexsaiddryly.
“Good.Iwasafraidlwasn’tloudenough.”
HiseyesnarrowedwhileMissyburstintolaughter.EvenRalphchuckledasIflashedacheekysmile.
“Sunshine,youbeingloudhasneverbeenanissue,”Alexsaidinsilkyvoice.
Mymashedpotatoeswentdownthewrongpipe,andIeruptedintoafitofcoughs.Missy’slaughtermorphedintooutrightcackling.PoorRalphturnedbrightred,mutteredsomethingabouttherestroom,andfled.
OnceIgotmycoughsundercontrol,IglaredatAlex,whoremainedunfazed.“I’mtalkingaboutthevolumeofyourvoiceduringconversations,ofcourse.”Heraisedhiswineglasstohislips.“WhatdidyouthinkImeant?”
“Ihaveafeelingyouwon’tbehearingmyvoice
duringconversationsforawhile,”Ihuffed.
“We’llsee.”Hesoundedinfuriatinglysmug.
“I’llleaveyoutwolovebirdsalonewhileIfetchRalph.”Missychuckled.“Poorthingisalioninthebedroombutablushingkittenwhenitcomestotalkingaboutsexinpublic—directlyorindirectly.”
ThatwassomethingIcould’velivedtherestofmylifewithoutknowing.
Aftersheleft,IglaredatAlex.“Seewhatyoudid?Youdroveourhostsawayduringtheirowndinner.”
“DidI?”Hegaveanelegantshrug.“Mightaswelltakeadvantageofthesituation.Comehere,Sunshine.”
“Idon’tthinkso.”
“Thatwasn’tarequest.”
“I’mnotadog.”Itookadefiantsipofmywater.
“Ifyou’renotinmylapinthenextfiveseconds,”Alexsaidinthesamecalmvoice.“I’llbendyouoverthetable,ripoffyourskirt,andfuckyousohardRalphwillhaveaheartattackfromyourscreams.”
Thebastardwascrazyenoughtodoit,too.AndImustbeequallycrazy,becausemypantiesdampenedathiswords,andallIcouldthinkaboutwasdoingtheexactthinghe’djustthreatened.
Alexwatched,eyesheated,asIpushedmychairback,walkedovertohim,andclimbedintohislap.
“Goodgirl,”hepurred,wrappinganarmaroundmywaistandpullingmetowardhimuntilmybackpressedagainsthischest.Hisarousalnestledagainstmyass,andmymouthturnedbone-dry.“Thatwasn’tsohard,wasit?”
“Ihateyou.”Iwould’vebeenmoreconvincinghadthewordsnotcomeoutsobreathless.
“Hateisjustanotherwordforlove.”Heslippedahandbeneathmysweaterandcuppedmybreastwhiletrailingastringoffierykissesdownmyneck.
“Idon’tthinkthat’sright,”Isaid,caughtbetweenlaughingandmoaning.God,hishandsandmouthweremagic
Ishotafurtiveglanceatthedoorwaytothediningroom.MissyandRalphwerenowhereinsight…yet.Butthepossibilityofgettingcaughtmadethewholethinghotter—IwassowetIwasafraidI’dleaveanoticeablespotonAlex’spantswhenIstood.
“No?Ah,well.”Alexnippedmyearlobe.“Closeenough.”HecuppedmychinwithhisotherhandandturnedmyfacesoIlookedbackathim.“Didyouenjoythisweek?”
“Yeah.ItwasthebestThanksgivingI’vehadinawhile,”Isaidsoftly.
IfeltguiltybecausewhileallmyThanksgivingswithMichaelweretainted,I’dspenttheholidaywithJoshlastyear.He’dflowntoLondon,andwehadablaststuffingourselveswithfood—restaurant-boughtbecausewedidn’tknowhowtocookaturkey—whilebinge-watchingBritishdramas.ButI’dbeenunsureaboutmyfeelingsforAlex,andJoshhadbeenpissedathisex-bestfriend.
Hestillwas.
WhenhefoundoutAlexandIwerebacktogether,helosthisshit.Hewouldn’ttalktomeforweeks,andevennow,ourconversationswerestrained.JoshstayedinD.C.forhisresidency,sowestilllivedinthesamecity,butherefusedtoseemeifAlexwasthere.He’dignoredallofAlex’soutreachandseenthroughmyschemestohelpthempatchthingsup.I’dinvitedhimtocelebrateThanksgivingwithus,butasI’dexpected,he’ddeclined.
“IdowishJoshcould’vemadeit,”Iadmitted.Imissedmybrother.
“Metoo.Buthe’llcomearound.”Despitehisconfidentwords,asmallfurrowcreasedAlex’sbrow.Hedidn’tsayit,butIknewhemissedJoshtoo.They’dbeenascloseasbrothers.
Unfortunately,Joshwasstubbornasabull.Themoreyoupushedhim,themorehedughisheelsin.Theonlythingwecoulddowasgivehimtimeandwait.
“Hewill.”IsighedandloopedmyarmsaroundAlex’sneck.“Otherthanthat,though,thisweekwasperfect.”
We’dbeeninVermontforsixdays,andthewholegetawayhadbeenaPinterest-worthyautumndream.Artisanfairs,aturkeytrot,thebesthotappleciderI’veevertasted…evenAlexenjoyedbeinghere,thoughherefusedtoadmitit.I’doverheardhisconversationwithRalphwhenhisoldKravMagainstructorcalledandinvitedhimuphereforThanksgiving,andittookmeforevertoconvincehimtoaccept.
“Good.”Alexdroppedbothhishandstomywaistandkissedmeonthelips.“BegladIrentedusourowncabininsteadofstayingherewithRalphandMissy,”hewhispered.“Becauseyou’regoingtopayforyoursassearlier.”
Myheartskippedwithexcitement.BeforeIcouldrespond,MissyandRalph’svoicesdriftedthroughthedoorway,andIjumpedupsofastIbangedmykneeontheundersideofthetable.
Ilungedintomychair,myfacebeet-red,rightasourhostsreenteredtheroom.
“Sorrywetooksolong,”Missychirped.“Hopewe’renotinterruptinganything.”
“Nope,”Isqueaked.“Iwasjustenjoyingyourdeliciouschicken.”Imunchedonthenow-coldmeat.“Yum.”
Alexsnortedoutalaugh,whichearnedhimanotherglarefromme.
“Mostofthefoodiscold,dear.”Missycluckedindisappointment.“Doyouwantmetoheat‘emuporskipstraighttodessert?Imadepecanpie,pumpkinpie,applepie—”
“Dessert!”RalphandIshoutedatthesametime.
“Alex?”Missyraisedhereyebrows.
“Onesliceofpecanpieisfine,thankyou.”
“Nonsense.You’regettingasliceofallthree,”shesaidfirmly.“Imade‘emforareason,didn’tI?”
WhatMissywanted,Missygot.
BythetimeweleftherandRalph’shouse,Iwasfulltothepointofbursting.
IleanedintoAlexforsupportaswemadeourwaybacktoourrentalcabin,whichwasafifteen-minutewalkaway.
“WeshouldcomehereforThanksgivingeveryyear,”Isaid.“Ifwe’reinvited,thatis.”
Hecastanincredulousglanceinmydirection.“No.”
“Youhadfun!”
“Ididnot.Ihatesmalltowns.”AlexplacedahandonthesmallofmybackandsteeredmearoundasmallpuddleIhadn’tnoticed.
Ipouted.“Thenwhydidyoucomethisyear?”
“Becauseyou’veneverbeentoVermont,andyouwouldn’tshutupaboutit.Nowyou’vebeen,sowedon’thavetocomeback.”
“Don’ttrytoactalltough.IsawyoubuythatlittleporcelainpuppyattheartisanfairwhenyouthoughtIwasn’tlooking.Andyoudragmetothathotcidershopdowntheroadeveryafternoon.”
CrimsonstainedAlex’scheeks.“It’scalledmakinglemonadeoutoflemons,”hegrowled.“Youareaskingforittonight.”
“MaybeIam.”IsquealedandbrokeoutintoarunwhenAlexreachedforme.Hecaughtmein,oh,five-point-twoseconds,butIwasn’ttryingthathardtoescape,andIwasn’texactlyUsainBoltafterallthecarbsI’dingested
“You’llbethedeathofme,”hesaid,swingingmearounduntilIfacedhim.Themoonlightcasthisfeaturesinsharprelief,makingthepalelinesofhischeekbonesslashlikebladesthroughthedarkness.Beautiful.Perfect.Cold—exceptforthewarmthofhisembraceandtheteasingglintinhiseyes.
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandmylegsaroundhiswaist.“Sowe’recomingbackforThanksgivingnextyear,right?”
Alexsighed.“Maybe.”
Inotherwords,yes.
Ibeamed.“Maybewecouldcomeupearlyandgoapplepick—”
“Don’tpushyourluck.”
Fairenough.We’dgoapplepickingtheyearafternext.Sevenhundred-odddaysshouldbeenoughtimetoconvincehim.
“Alex?”
“Yes,Sunshine?”
“Iloveyou.”
Hisfacesoftened.“Iloveyou,too.”Hislipsbrushedoverminebeforehewhispered,“Butdon’tthinkthat’llsaveyoufromthespankingyou’regettingoncewe’rebackinthecabin.”
Ashiverofanticipationrippledthroughme.
Icouldn’twait.
***
ALEX
ContrarytowhatAvasaid,IhatedVermont.Thereweresomenot-terribleparts,likethefoodandthefreshair,butmeenjoying
thecountryside?Ididn’tknowwhatshewastalkingabout.
Atall.
Idid,however,missallthetimeI’dgottentospendwithAvaoverThanksgivingafterIreturnedtowork.
ItwasalmostembarrassinghowfastArcherGrouptookmebackasCEOwhenIreturnedfromLondon.Iwasn’tsurprised—Iwasthebest.Theguywhoreplacedmewasfineasaplaceholder,butevenheknewhistenureatArcherhadreachedtheendoftheroadwhenIwalkedintomyofficefourmonthsago.
Thatofficehadalwaysbeenmine,nomatterwhooccupiedthechair.
Theboardhadbeenalltoohappytohavemeback,andArcher’sstockjumpedtwenty-fourpercentwhenmyreinstatementasCEOhitthepapers.
Ididhaveabetterwork-lifebalancenowthatAvahadmovedintomyLoganCirclepenthouse,mainlybecauseI’dmuchratherbeeatingheroutonourbedthaneatingtakeoutatmydesk.Ilefttheofficearoundsixthesedays,muchtothereliefofmystaff.
“Sunshine?”Icalledout,kickingthefrontdoorclosedbehindme.Ihungmycoatontherackandwaitedforaresponse.
Nothing.
Ava,whoworkedasajuniorfreelancephotographerforWorldGeographicandafewothermagazines,
wasusuallyhomebythistime.WorryflickeredinmystomachbeforeIheardthesqueakofthefaucetturningandthefaintbutunmistakablesoundoftheshowerrunning.
Myshouldersrelaxed.Iwasstillparanoidabouthersafetyandhadhiredapermanentbodyguardtolookafterher,muchtoherdismay.We’dhadanall-out,knockdownfightoverit,followedbyequallyall-out,knockdownmakeupsex,butwe’deventuallycompromised—we’dkeepthebodyguard,butshewouldstayoutofsightandnotinterfereunlessAvawasinphysicaldanger.
I’dtakenotherprecautionstoensuremyenemieswouldthinktwiceaboutgoingafterheraswell…includingseedingdetailed“rumors”aboutwhathappenedtothelastguywho’ddaredtouchher.
Restinhell,Camo.
Therumorsworked.Somepeoplewerescaredsoshitlesstheycouldn’tlookmeintheeyeanymore.
HaussIndustrieswasalsotoast,thankstoMadeline’sunwisedecisiontobeincahootswithmyuncle.I’dhadplentyofblackmailonMadeline’sfather.Embezzling,moneylaundering,dealswithunsavorycharacters…he’dbeenabusyman.AllI’dhadtodowasslipananonymoustipandselectpiecesofinformationtoHauss’scompetitor,andtheytookcareofthedirtyworkforme.
LastIheard,Madeline’sfatherwasfacingyearsinprison,andMadelinewasworkingataskeezydinerinMarylandafterthegovernmentfrozeallofherfamily’sassets.
TheonlypersonIwasworriedaboutwasMichael,whoAvasaidkeptsendingJoshlettersaskingtoseehim.Joshhadsofarrefused.
Inaneffortnottostainmyhandswithmoreblood,I’ddroppedmyplantosendMichaeltoanearlygraveinprison,butIhadpeopleontheinsidemonitoringhim—andmakinghislifemorethanalittleuncomfortable.IfhesomuchasutteredAva’sname,I’dknowaboutit—andmakesureheneverdiditagain.
Outofhabit,Iturnedontheflat-screenTVinourroomandhalf-listenedtotheeveningnewsasIpeeledoffmyworkclothes.IshouldjoinAvaintheshower.Whatwasthepointofhavingamassiverainfallshowerwith
ahandybenchseatifwedidn’tfuckinitatleastonceaweek?
MypenthousewashugebuthadhadminimalfurnishingsuntilAvaspruceditupaftershemovedin.Andby“sprucedup,”Imeanartandflowersandframedpicturesofusandherfriendseverywhere.BothJulesandStellastayedinD.C.aftergraduation,whileBridgetsplithertimebetweenEldorra,D.C.,andNewYork.HerfriendsweremoreacceptingofourrekindledrelationshipthanJosh,butthatdidn’tmeanIwantedtheirfacesstaringatmetwenty-fourseveninmyowndamnhouse.I’donlyagreedtodisplaythephotosbecauseAvawouldn’tstopgivingmesadpuppy-dogeyesuntilIrelented.
“Youshould’vesaidno,”ImutteredatapictureofmyselfandAvaataNatsbaseballgameoverthesummer.IthungnexttoamoreformalgalleryofherworkfromLondon—theonesIboughtinbulkattheWYPexhibition.
Shehadmedoingallsortsofcrazythingsthesedays,likegivingupcoffeeandstickingtoasleepschedule.Shesaiditwouldhelpwithmyinsomnia,andyeah,IsleptmorehoursthanIusedto,butthathadmoretodowithhavingAvabymysidethananythingelse.Besides,Istillsneaktheoccasionalcupofcoffeeattheoffice.
Iwasabouttoenterthebathroomwhensomethingthenewscastersaidcaughtmyattention.Istoppedshort,sureI’dheardwrong,butthescrollingchyronacrossthebottomofthescreenconfirmedwhatI’dheard.
Thesoundoftherunningshowerswitchedoff,andtherumbleofthestalldoorslidingopenfilteredintothebedroom.
“Ava?”
Therewasabriefpauseandafaintrustle.“You’rehomeearly!”Avasteppedoutofthebathroominaswirlofsteam,hairandskindamp,withnothingbutatowelwrappedaroundherslenderframe.Shebeamedwhenshesawme,andmyfacesoftened.
“Slowdayintheoffice.”Idroppedakissonhermouth.Mycockstirredwithinterest,andIwastemptedtoripoffhertowelandtakeherrightthereagainstthewall,buttherewassomethingsheneededtoknowbeforewestartedoneofourall-nighters.“DidyouhearfromBridgettoday?”
“No.”Ava’sbrowfurrowed.“Why?”
“Checkoutthenews.”IangledmyheadtowardtheTV,wherethenewscasterspokeamileaminute.
Avapaused,listeningtotheupdatebeforeherjawdropped.
Ididn’tblameher.Becausewhatjusthappened?Ithadn’thappenedinover200yearsofEldorranhistory.
Thenewscaster’shigh-pitchedvoicefilledtheroom,soexcitedittrembled.
“…CrownPrinceNikolaihasabdicatedthethroneofEldorratomarrySabrinaPhilips,theAmericanflightattendanthemetlastyearduringadiplomatictriptoNewYork.Eldorranlawstipulatesthecountry’smonarchs
mustmarrysomeoneofnoblebirth.Hissister,PrincessBridget,isnowfirstinlinetothethrone.WhenshebecomesQueen,shewillbeEldorra’sfirstfemalemonarchinmorethanacentury…”
FootageofanexpressionlessBridgetexitingthePlazaHotelinNewYork,trailedbyhergrim-facedbodyguardandsurroundedbyshoutingreporters,flashedonscreen.
“Holyshit,”Avasaid.
Holyshitwasright.FromwhatIremembered—whichwaseverything—Bridgethadchafedattherestrictionsthatcamewithbeingaregularprincess.Nowthatshewasfirstinlineforthecrown?Shemustbeflippingout.
OnTV,RhyssteeredBridgetintoawaitingcarandleveledthereporterswithaglaresomenacingtheybackedupenmasse.Mostpeoplewould’vemissedit,butIcaughttheheatinBridget’seyeswhenshelookedatRhysandthewayhishandbrushedhersforasecondlongerthanitshould’vebeforeheclosedthedoor.
Ifiledthatpieceofinformationawayforthefuture.BridgetwasAva’sfriend,soshewassafe,butitneverhurttohaveblackmailmaterialonafuturequeen.
BasedonwhatIjustwitnessed,Bridget’sfeelingsaboutherimpendingruleweretheleastofherproblems.
THEEND
Hecan’thaveher…buthe’stakingheranyway.PreorderTwistedGamesnowforasteamy,angstyforbiddenromancefeaturingBridgetandRhys.ComingJuly2021.
Ifyoucan’tgetenoughofAlexandAva,clickhere
forabonusscene!Ortypethislinkintoyourbrowser:https://
BookHip.
com/
HHKKMBF
Wanttodiscussmybooksandotherfunshenaniganswithlike-mindedreaders?JoinmyFacebookreadergroup
,Ana’sStarSquad!
***
ThankyousomuchfortakingthetimetoreadTwistedLove
.Ifyouenjoyedthisbook,Iwouldbeimmenselygratefulifyoucouldleaveareviewontheplatform(s)ofyourchoice.
Reviewsareliketipsforauthors,andtheyhelpspreadthewordaboutourbooks.Everysingleonehelps!
Muchlove,
AnaTWISTEDSERIES
Aseriesofinterconnectedstandalones
TwistedLove
TwistedGames
TwistedHate
TwistedLies
IFLOVESERIES
IfWeEverMeetAgain
(DuetBook1)
IftheSunNeverSets
(DuetBook2)
IfLoveHadaPrice
(Standalone)
IfWeWerePerfect
(Standalone)
STANDALONES
AllI’veNeverWantedKeepintouchwithAnaHuang
Readergroup
Website
Bookbub
Amazon
Instagram
Goodreads
Facebook
Signup
forAna’smailinglisttoreceiveexclusiveupdates,content,andgiveaways!Acknowledgments
AlexandAvaaretwoofmyfavoritecharactersI’vewritten(shh,don’ttelltheothers),andIwanttothankeveryonewhohelpedbringmyvisiontolife.
TomybetareadersAishah,Alison,Gunvor,Kate,andKellyfortheirencouragementandfeedback.It’salwaysnerve-wrackingformetosendabookbabyouttotheworldforthefirsttime,butitwasingoodhandswiththesewonderfulladies!
TomyeditorAmyBriggsandproofreaderKristaBurdineforwhippingmymanuscriptintoshapeandputtingupwithmyquestionableloveforspecialpunctuation.
ToQuirahatTemptationCreationsforthebeautifulcover.
Andfinally,tothebloggersandreviewerswho’veshownthisbooksomuchlove.Iadoreyouguys,andIamforevergrateful.
xo,AnaAbouttheAuthor
AnaHuangisanauthorofprimarilysteamyNewAdultandcontemporaryromance.Herbookscontaindiversecharactersandemotional,sometimestwistyroadstowardHEAs(withplentyofbanterandspicesprinkledin).Besidesreadingandwriting,Analovestraveling,isobsessedwithhotchocolate,andhasmultiplerelationshipswithfictionalboyfriends.
© Copyright Notice
The copyright of the article belongs to the author. Please do not reprint without permission.
THE END
No comments yet