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Description:FirstEdition.|NewYork;Boston:Forever,2023.|Series:Partofyourworld|Summary:“Dr.BrianaOrtiz’slifeisseriouslyflatlining.Herdivorceisjustaboutfinalized,herbrother’srunningoutoftimetofindakidneydonor,andthatpromotionshewants?Oh,that’sprobablygoingtothenewman-doctorwho’salreadyregisteringeighty-friggin’-sevenonBriana’s“paininmyass”scale.Butjustwhenallsystemsaresettohate,Dr.JacobMaddoxcompletelyflipsthegame…bysendingBrianaaletter.Andit’sareallygoodletter.LikethekindthatprovesthatJacobisn’tactuallySatan.Worse,hemightbethisfantasticallyfunnyandsubversivelylikeableguywho’sterribleatfirstimpressions.BecausesuddenlyheandBriareexchangingletters,sharinglunchdatesinher“sobcloset,”anddiscussingthemeritsoffreakishlytinyhorses.ButwhenJacobdecidestogiveBrianathebestgiftimaginable-akidneyforherbrother-shewondersjusthowshecanresistthisquietlysexynewdoctor…especiallywhenhecallsinafavorshecan’trefuse”—Providedbypublisher.
Identifiers:LCCN2022053084|ISBN9781538704394(tradepaperback)|ISBN9781538704417(ebook)
Classification:LCCPS3610.I474Y682023|DDC813/.6—dc23
LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2022053084
ISBNs:978-1-5387-0439-4(tradepaperback),978-1-5387-0441-7(ebook)
E3-20230314-NF-DA-ORITableofContents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
ContentGuidance
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Chapter32
Chapter33
Chapter34
Chapter35
Chapter36
Chapter37
Chapter38
Chapter39
Chapter40
Chapter41
Chapter42
Chapter43
Chapter44
Chapter45
Chapter46
Chapter47
Chapter48
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
DiscoverMore
ReadingGroupGuide
AbouttheAuthor
PraiseforAbbyJimenez
AlsobyAbbyJimenez
Navigation
TableofContents
ContentGuidance
Thisbookisclosetomyheartforalotofreasons,butbeforeyoudivein,Ijustwanttogiveyouaheads-upaboutafewthemes,includingamaincharacterwhowascheatedoninapastrelationship,aflashbacktoapregnancyissue,amentionofsuicide,andacharacterwhohasclinicalanxiety.Yetdespitetheseheavytopics,readerswillbetreatedtolaughsandhappilyeveraftersforall.YoucanfindfurthercontentguidanceonmyGoodreadspage.Thankssomuchforreading,andIhopeyouenjoythebook.
Best,
AbbyTomywonderfulhusband,Carlos,whohasnursedmethroughsomeverytoughtimes.Thankyouforalwaysbeingharmlesstome.Explorebookgiveaways,sneakpeeks,deals,andmore.
Tapheretolearnmore
Chapter1
Briana
They’recallinghimDr.Death.”
Jocelynstood,peeringatmedramaticallyfrombeyondthenurses’stationwhereIsatatmycomputerchartingmypatients.
Iglancedupatherovermyscreenandrolledmyeyes.“Givehimabreak,”Isaid,typinginmynotes.“Theguy’sbeenhereallofelevenhours.It’shisfirstday.”
“That’sthepoint,”shewhispered.“Hehasahundredpercentkillrate.”
Iscoffedbutdidn’tlookbackup.“Youcannotcallhimthat.Wedon’tneedpatientshearingnurseswhisperingaboutaDr.Death.”
“CanwecallhimDoctorD?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“BecauseDoctorDsoundslikeapenisthing.”
Shehuffed.“Okay,butseriously.Somebodyshouldlookintothis.Sixpatientsdead?”
Icheckedmywatch.“WeworkinanER,Jocelyn.It’snotentirelyunheardof.”
“Aren’tyousupposedtobechiefofemergencymedicine?Isn’tityourjobtoinvestigatestufflikethis?”
Ididafinaltapintomycomputerandlookedupather.“Dr.Gibsonhasn’tretiredyetandtheboardhasn’tvotedonhisreplacement,sono,it’snotmyjob.”
“Butitwillbe.You’retotallygoingtogetit.Don’tyouthinkyoushoulddressforthejobyouwantandstopthecarnage?”Shestoodbackandcrossedherarms.
Icouldfeeltheeyesofadozenotherunseennursespeeringatmefromaroundthefloor.Jocelynwassentasanambassador.Oncethenurseslatchedontosomething,theyweren’tlettinggo.Thispoorguy.Hewasnotgoingtolikeithere.
Iletoutalongsigh.“Thefirstpatientwasaninety-six-year-oldwithabadheart.Thesecondonewasaneighty-nine-year-oldstrokevictimwhohadaDNR.Therewasacaraccidentcrushinjury—IgotapeekattheX-rays,andnobodybutGodcouldhavesavedthatman.Patientfourwasagunshotwoundtothehead,whichIdon’tneedtoremindyouisninetypercentfatal.Thevictimwascomatosewithnoevidenceofbrainstemfunctionuponarrival.Fivewasacancerpatientonhospice,andsixwassoseptichewaspracticallydeadwhenhegothere.”Ilookedherintheeye.“Not.His.Fault.Sometimesithappens.”
Shepressedherlipsintoaline.“Sometimes.Butnotonyourfirstday,”shepointedout.
Ihadtoagreewiththat.Theoddswerealittlelow.Butstill.
“Just…sendallthenewpatientstome,okay?”Isaidalittlewearily.“Heonlyhasanotherhour.AndnoDr.Death.Please.”
Shegavemealook.“He’srude,youknow.”
“Howisherude?”Iasked.
“HetoldHectortoputhisphoneinhislocker.Younevermakeusputourphonesaway.”
“Isn’tHectorinsomeepicbreakupwithJose?He’sprobablycheckinghisphoneeveryfiveseconds.Iprobablywouldhavemadehimputitawaytoo.”
Thedooronroomeightslidopen,andanauburn-hairedwhiteguyinblackscrubscameout.Hisbackwastome,soIcouldn’tseehisface.Iwatchedhimpeeloffhisglovesanddropthemintoahazardouswastebasket.Hepinchedthebridgeofhisnose,tookadeepbreath,thendraggedhimselftowardthelockerroomswithhisheaddown.
Hectorcameoutoftheroombehindhimandlookedoveratus.Heheldupsevenfingersandsuckedairthroughhisteeth.
JocelyngavemeanI-told-you-solook,andIshookmyhead.“NoDr.Death.Nowgo.Dosomethingproductive.”
Shepoutedforasecond,butthensheleft.
Mycellphonepinged,andIpulleditout.
Alexis:Iwanttocomeseeyouonthe19th.
Itypedinmyreply:
I’mtotallyfine.
Iwasn’tfine.ButIalsowasn’tsummoningmypregnantbestfriendoutofthewarmembraceofherhoneymoonperiodtocomehangoutwithmeintheabandonedhauntedhousemylifehadturnedinto.Ilovedhertoomuchtocondemnher.
Myphoneranginmyhand.
Igotupandduckedintoanemptyroom,andswipedtheAnswerbutton.“I’mtellingyou,I’mokay,”Isaid.
“Nope.I’mcoming.Whattimeareyouoff?”
“Alexis.”Igroaned.“Ijustwanttopretendthatdayislikeanyotherday.”
“It’snotlikeanyotherday.It’sthedayyourdivorceisfinal.It’sabigdeal.”
“I’mnotgoingtodoanythingstupid.I’mnotgoingtodrunk-dialhim.I’mnotgoingtogetshit-facedandthrowupinmyhair—”
“I’mmoreworriedaboutyouthrowingMolotovcocktailsthroughhiswindows.”
Isnorted.“Iguessthat’savalidconcern,”Imumbled.
Ididn’texactlyhaveahistoryofbeingcalmandrationalwhenitcametoNick.WhenIfinallyfoundouthe’dbeencheating,I’dliketotellyouthatIactedwithpoiseandgrace,avisionofdignityinthefaceofunfathomablebetrayalandheartache.WhatIactuallydidwaslosemyfuckingmind.Iflushedmyweddingringdownthetoiletandwateredhishouseplantswithbleach.ThenIcalledhismothertoletherknowwhatkindofamansheraised—andthatwasmejustgettingstarted.I’dshockedevenmyselfwiththelevelsofpettinessIwaswillingtosinkto.ThegrandfinaleofthedepthsofmydepravitywassoembarrassingIforbadeAlexistobringituptothisday.
“Unlessyouhaveadate,I’mcomingtoseeyou,”shesaid.
“Ha.Right.”Isatonagurneyandputmyforeheadintomyhand.
SinceNick,Ihadbeenthroughsomeoftheworstonlinedatinginthehistoryoftheinternet.TheamountofgarbageIsiftedthroughonTinderoverthelastyearwassobleak,NicklookedlikePrinceCharmingbycomparison.
“Stillnoluck?”sheasked.
“LastmonthIwentonadatewithaguywhohadacourt-orderedBreathalyzerinstalledinhiscarbecausehe’dhadthatmanyDUIs.Heaskedmetobreatheintoitsohiscarwouldstart.Therewastheonewhoshoweduptoourcoffeedatewithaswastikatattooonhisneck.ThelastdateIwenton,theguy’swife,whichIdidn’tknowhehad,showeduptotheBenihanaandaskedifthiswaswhathewasdoingwiththemoneyhesaidheneededforthekids’schoolsupplies.Hetoldmehedidn’thavekids.”
Shemusthaveblanchedintothephone.“Oh,gross.”
“YouhavenoideahowluckyyouarethatyoufoundDaniel.Seriously.Makeasacrificetothedatinggodsforthatone.”Ilookedatmywatch.“Igottago,I’monshift.I’llcallyouafterwork.”
“Okay.Butreallycallme,though,”shesaid.
“Iwillreallycallyou.”
Wehungup.Isatforamomentjuststaringatthewall.Therewasapain-assessmentcharthangingthere.Littlecartoonfacesinvariousexpressionsovercoincidinglevelsofpain.Agreensmileyfaceoverthenumberzero.Aredcryingfaceoverthenumberten.
Ifixedmyeyesontheten.
I’dmanagednottothinktoomuchaboutthenineteenth.IwashopingifIdidn’tfocusonthedate,maybeI’dluckoutandbeafewdayspastitbeforeIrealizedithadcomeandgone.It’snotlikemuchwouldchangewhenthedivorcewasfinalized.NickandIhadbeensplitforayear.Thiswasjustmakingitpaperworkofficial.
Butstill.
MaybeAlexiswasrightandIshouldn’tbealoneforit.Incaseitcreptupandboob-punchedme.
Thelasthourofworkwasuneventful.Itooktheonlypatientwhocamein—nobodydied.Buttobefair,itwasjustourregular,NunchuckGuy,withanotherconcussion,sotheoddswereinmyfavor.
IwasgettingreadytoclockoutwhenJocelyncamebackaround.
“Hey,Gibsonwantstotalktoyoubeforeyouleave.”Hereyesweresparkling.“Thisisit!”shesang.“He’sgivingyoutheposition.”
GibsonwasthecurrentchiefofemergencymedicineforRoyaumeNorthwestern.Hewasretiringthismonth.Technicallyhe’dretiredalmostayearago.Alexishadgottenhisjobandhe’dleft.Thenamonthlatershequittomovetohernewhusband’stinytowninthemiddleofnowhereandopenherownclinic,soGibsoncameback.
“There’snowaytheboardhasvotedyet,soIdoubtit,”Isaid.“ButIappreciatetheconfidence.”
ButthenIthoughtaboutit,andmaybehewasgivingmetheposition.
Notonepersonotherthanmehadraisedtheirhandforit.Nobodyelsewasrunning.Didtheyevenneedtovote?WhatelsewouldGibsonwanttotalktomeaboutifitwasn’tthis?
ImademywaydownthehalltowardGibson’soffice,alittleexcited.Imean,takingonthenewjobwasgoingtobeatonofwork.Sixdaysaweek,eightyhoursormore.ButIwasready.MywholelifewasRoyaumeNorthwesternHospital.Mightaswellworktomyfullpotential.
Iknockedonhisdoorframe.“Hey.Youwantedtoseeme?”
Gibsonlookedupandsmiledwarmly.“Comein.”
Hesatbehindhisdesk,hisgrayhairneatlycombedback.Heremindedmeofasweetoldgrandpa.Ilikedhim.Everyonedid.He’dbeeninthepositionforever.
“Closethedoor,”hesaid,finishingsomethinghewassigning.
Islippedintothechairinfrontofhim.
Hefinishedhispaperworkandmoveditasideandgavemeafull,toothysmile.“Howareyou,Briana?”
“Good,”Isaidbrightly.
“Andyourbrother,Benny?”
Ibobbedmyhead.“Aswellascanbeexpected.”
“Well,I’mgladtohearthat.Suchanunfortunatecircumstance.Buthe’sgotsomegreatdoctors.”
Inodded.“RoyaumeNorthwesternisthebest.Speakingofwhich,I’mexcitedtogetstarted—notthatI’mlookingforwardtoyouleaving,”Iadded.
Hechuckled.
“Istheregoingtobeavote?”Iasked.“Nobodyelseisrunning.”
Hethreadedhisfingersoverhisstomach.“Well,that’swhatIwantedtotalktoyouabout.Iwantedtotellyoupersonally.I’vedecidedtodelaymyretirementforafewmoremonths.”
“Oh.”Itriedtodisguisemydisappointment.“Okay.IthoughtyouandJodiweremovingtosomevillainCostaRica.”
Helaughedgood-naturedly.“Weare.Butthejunglecanwait.I’dliketogiveeveryonesometimetogettoknowDr.Maddoxbeforeweputforwardavote.Itonlyseemsfair.”
Iblinkedathim.“I’msorry.Who?”
HenoddedinthedirectionoftheER.“Dr.JacobMaddox.Hestartedtoday.HewaschiefofemergencymedicineoveratMemorialWestforthelastfewyears.Greatguy.Quitequalified.”
Iwasrenderedmuteforasolidtenseconds.“You’reholdingoffthevote?Forhim?”
“Togivetheteamachancetogetacquainted.”
“Togivehimalegup,”Isaidflatly.
Helookedalittlesurprisedatmyreaction.“No,tomakeitfair.YouandIbothknowthesethingscanbeabitofapopularitycontest,andhedeservesaclearshot.”
Istaredathimindisbelief.“You’reactuallydoingthis.Delayingthevotesohehasagreaterchanceattakingtheposition.I’vebeenheretenyears.”
Helookedatmeseriously.“Briana,Ihavetoconsiderwhat’sbestforthedepartment.Abroaderpooltochoosefromisalwayspreferable.There’snogloryingettingthejobbydefault—”
“Itwouldn’tbebydefault.Itwouldbeonmerit.Tenyearsofmerit.”
Hepeeredatmepatiently.“Youknow,Alexisdidn’trununchallenged.Competitionishealthy.Ifthejobisyours,it’llstillbeyoursinthreemonths.”
Isattheretryingtobreathecalmlythroughmynose.Ittookeverythinginmenottoblurt“TheycallhimDr.Death!”
“It’sjustthreemonths,”Gibsoncontinued.“Thenwevote,andI’mofftodrinkfromcoconutsonabeachsomewhereandhopefullyyou’rerightwhereyouwanttobetoo.Enjoythecalmbeforethestorm,takeiteasy.SpendsometimewithBenny.”
Iletoutaslow,centeringbreath.
GibsonprobablyknewthisDr.Deathguy.Theymustbefriends.Theyprobablygolfedorsomething.Thiswholethingreekedofnepotism.ButwhatchoicedidIhave?IfGibsonhaddecidednottoretireyet,therewasnothingIcoulddo.
“Thankyouforlettingmeknow,”Isaidstiffly.Igotupandletmyselfout.
ThesecondIgotinthecarIcalledAlexis.“Ihatethenewguy,”Isaidwhenshepickedup.
“Well,hello.”
“TheycallhimDr.Death.Hekilledsevenpatientstoday.Seven.Firstday.”
“Well,ithappens.”Shesoundeddistracted.
“Andgetthis,Gibsonisholdingoffonhisretirementsothenewguycangetashotatgettingthechiefposition.It’stotalboys’-clubbullshit.”
“Uh-huh,”shemumbled.
Ilistenedforasecond.ThenIrecoiledinhorror.“OhmyGod!Areyouguysmakingout?I’monthephone!”
SheandDanielwerealwaysallovereachother.Ithinktheyonlycameupforairtoeat.
Irubbedmytemple.“Canyoupleasetosssomecoldwateronhimandtalktome?I’mhavingacrisis.”
“Sorry,holdon.”ShewhisperedsomethingIcouldn’thearandgiggled.Thenhegiggled.
Irolledmyeyesandwaited.Thisyearwasgoingtobemyvillainoriginstory,Ijustknewit.
Adoorclosedinthebackgroundandshecamebackon.“Okay.Iamhere.Tellmeallthethings.”
“Okay,sothenewguyissomehotshottransferfromMemorialWest.Iguesshewastheirchiefoverthere,soGibsonwantstodelaythevotesoeveryonecangettoknowhimbetter.Theguy’satotaldick,thenurseshatehim—”
“Well,ifthenurseshatehim,youhavenothingtoworryabout.”
“That’snoteventhepoint!DoyouthinkGibsonwoulddothisifthetransferwasawoman?”
Iheardherpressingbuttonsonamicrowave.“Eh,yeah.Ido.Gibson’sprettyfair.Idon’tpicturehimmakingthisagenderthing.”
“Youaresupposedtobeonmyside.”
“Iamonyourside.Look,thereisnowayyou’renotgettingit.Hedidyouafavor.HejusthandedthesummerbacktoyouwithoutyoubeingtiedtotheERforeightyhoursaweek.Bennyneedsyourightnow.It’sbetterifyou’refreeforthenextfewmonthswhilehegetsadjusted.”
Iwentquiet.ThewaythingsweregoingwithBenny,I’dprobablyseehimasmuchintheERasIwouldathome.IpusheddowntheknotIalwaysgotinmythroatwhenIthoughtaboutmylittlebrother.
“Sowhatdoesthisnewguylooklike?”Alexisasked,clearlychangingthesubject.
“Ihavenoidea,”Imumbled.“He’slikeashadowdemon.EverytimeI’mabouttowalkintoaroomhe’sin,hestepsouttheotherdoor.I’veseenthebackofhisheadafewtimes,butthat’sit.”
“Youdidn’tintroduceyourselfwhenhegotthere?”
“Imean,Iwasgoingto.ButwegotslammedthesecondIclockedin.Andthenwhenitcalmeddown,Icouldn’tfindhim.It’sliketheguyhidesinasupplyclosetsomewherewhenhe’snotdeclaringpeopledead.”
“Look,”shesaid,gettingbackontopic.“Everyonelovesyou.You’regoingtobeashoo-in,nomatterwhorunsagainstyou.Andthatnewguy?Igivehimamonth.Thenurseswilleathimalive.You’llbethefirstSalvadorianchiefinRoyaumehistorybytheendofsummer,teloprometo.”
Alexiswastrilingual.English,Spanish,andAmericanSignLanguage.Shewasbrilliant,aworld-renownedphilanthropistfromaprestigiousfamily—andanoptimisttoboot.
Iheardheropenthemicrowavedoor.“Hey,whenIcomeup,I’mmakingyouscones,”shesaid.
Aaandnowshewasbakingtoo.Ihadtosmiledespitemymood.Alexismakingsconeswascomparabletomegoingoutbackandchoppingwood—hellwouldfreezeoverfirst.ShereallyhadchangedwhenshemetDaniel,andforthebetter.
Irestedmyelbowonthecardoorandputmyheadinmyhand.Ifeltmyselfcalmingdown.Mybestfriendalwaysde-escalatedme.SometimesIhatedthatabouther.ThereweretimeswhenIjustwantedtobepissedoff,careeningforwardonthestrengthofmypurerage.Iwasgratefulformyabilitytostayfurious,especiallyoverthelastyear.Angerisapowerfulfuel.Itcanbeverymotivating.Fortifying.
Theonlyproblemwithangeristhatitburnshotandfast.Itdoesn’ttendtoburnlong.
Sadnessburnslong.Grief.Disappointment.
Irealizedthat’swhatIwasafraidwasgoingtohappenonthenineteenth.Mydivorcewouldbefinal,myragewouldfinallyburnout,andI’dbeleftwithwhatwasleftofme.
Andthatwasn’tmuch.Chapter2
Jacob
Ipulledintotheparkinglotandsattherestaringthroughthewindshield,debatingwhetherIshouldjustgo.
AmyandJeremiahwantedtotalktome.
Therereallywasonlyonereasontheywouldneedtoatthispoint.Iknewwhatitwas.I’dbeenexpectingitformonthsnow.Therewasalmostamorbidsenseofreliefthatwewerefinallygettingitoverwith.Ilookedglumlyatthesignonthebuilding.
BADAXEGRILL
Thatwaswherethey’ddecidedtodothis,adamnax-throwingbar.Thisiswheretheyweregoingtodropthebomb?ThelocationofthismeetingwasonlyslightlylessawfulthanthenewsIwasabouttoget.
Itwouldbeloud.Therewouldbedrunks.Peopleinweddingveilsandbirthdayhatshootingandcheering,shoutingoverthemusic.Itwasthekindofplacethatfeltthick,likeeveryonewassittingontopofoneanother.Strangerswouldbumpintome,thebathroomswouldbefilthyandcrowded,thetableswouldbesticky.LikeanadultversionofaChuckE.Cheesewithboozeandobnoxiousfratboys.
Ifeltmyheartbeginningtopoundattheideaofbeinginthere.
IneverwenttobarsunlessIwasbeingdragged.Jeremiahshouldknowbetter.Hewasmybrother,heknewaboutmydislikeforplaceslikethis,thatIgotoverstimulatedandoverwhelmed.ButmyguesswashewasdeferringtoAmy—andthiswasvery,veryher.She’dtakemetoaplacelikethisandbebewilderedwhenI’dwanttoleaveassoonashumanlypossible.She’dsaysomethinglike,“Butthey’refamousfortheirwings!Youlovewings,that’swhyIbroughtyouhere!”asiftherightbuffalosaucecouldmitigatetherestofit.
Nowondershe’dleft.
Iwasboringandwithdrawnandimpossibletounderstand.Evenaftertwoandahalfyearstogether.
Ishiftedinmyseat.Ishouldjustgo.TellthemI’dtalktothemlater.IwassodrainedIcouldbarelythinkstraight.I’dstartedanewjobtoday.LosteverypatientwhowalkedintomyER.
Irubbedmytemples.Ifeltliketheangelofdeath.Peopledyingisinevitableinmylineofwork.Youcan’tsavethemall,andit’sna?vetothinkyouhaveanycontroloverwhatcomesthroughthoseslidingdoors.Butonmyfirstday?
Thenurseshatedme.Icouldfeeltheloathingdrippingoffthemmywholeshift.Andnoneoftheotherattendingsevencameovertosayhi.
I’dsecond-guessedeverythinginthelasttwelvehours.QuittingMemorialWesttogosomewherenew,givingupmyleadershipposition,startingover.Ithadsoundedlikeagoodideaintheory,butIthinkI’doverestimatedmyadaptability.Ifeltunmoored,likeIwasbeingtossedaroundonsomechoppyseaandallthecaptainsofthepassingboatsweresneeringatmeinsteadofthrowingmealifeline.
Beinginthishellholeofarestaurantwouldsuckthelastoftheenergyfrommyalready-depletedsoul.
MaybeIcoulddothismeetingtomorrowinstead.ButifIleft,AmyandJeremiahwouldassumeIwashurt.ThatIwasn’toverit.Couldn’thandleit.EvenifIexplaineditwastheplaceandnotthenews,they’dneverbelieveme.I’ddatedAmyforyearsandhadn’tsucceededinmakingherunderstandmyanxiety,sowhywouldshegetitnow?
IwishedtherewassomesortofautopilotIcouldslipinto,likeIusuallydidatwork.Amusclememorytomovemethroughthemotions.Butitwouldhavetobeallme.I’dhavetobeawakeforit.Fullyaware.
Iletoutalongbreath,turnedoffthetruck,andgotouttodragmyselfintothebar.Ayoungwomanwithanoseringwasworkingthehostessstandandtookmethroughtoatableinthebackwheremyex-girlfriendandmyyoungerbrothersatsidebysideinabooth.
Theywerelaughingandleaningintoeachotherbeforetheysawme,butthesecondtheydidtheyjumpedapart.
Mystomachtwistedatseeingthemtogether.
They’dbeendisinvitedtothemonthlyfamilydinneratmyparents’house,soIhadn’tbeenforcedtoseethiswithmyowneyesuntilnow.Ifeltill.
Isatdownandtriedmybesttoappearrelaxed.“Hey.SorryI’mlate.”
Amychewedonherlipinthatwayshedidwhenshewasnervous.“It’sokay.Wefiguredyoumightgofordrinksorsomethingwithyournewcoworkers.Youknow,foryourfirstday?”
Iscoffedtomyself.
“Thankyouforcoming,”shesaid.
Inodded.
Thump.
Thump.
Thumpthumpthump.
Axeshittingwalls.
Icouldfeelthetunnelvisionofananxietyattackpluckingattheedgesofmysight,andIwonderedhowlongIhaduntilI’dhavetogetupandgo,whetheritwasappropriateornot.
Theysatthere,lookingatmeliketheydidn’tknowhowtostart.
Iglancedatmywatch.“Ihaveanearlyshifttomorrow…”Ilied.
Amynodded.“Right.Sorry.”Shetuckedherhairbehindherear.“So,Idon’treallyknowhowtosaythis…”
“You’regettingmarried,”Isaid.
Icouldseetheconfirmationonherapologeticfacebeforesheutteredaword.
Shenodded.“We’regettingmarried.”
Thump.Thumpthumpthump.
Laughing,shouting,theclinkofforksonplates.Someonedroppedaglassanditshatteredandeveryonecheered.Thepressoftheroomclosedinonme,butImanagedtosmileinawaythatIthoughtlookedauthentic.
“Congratulations,”Isaid.“Haveyousetadate?”
ShelookedatJeremiah,andhesmiledather.“We’rethinkingJuly,”hesaid.
Inodded.“Good.It’sagoodmonth.Well,Ilookforwardtobeingthere.”IwasamazedathowstoicIsounded.
Amylickedherlips.“We,um…wehaven’ttoldanyoneelseyet.Wethoughtyoushouldbethefirsttoknow.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Butthatwasn’tnecessary.I’msureeveryonewillbethrilled.”Ilookedatmywatchagain.“It’salittleloudformeinhere.IthinkI’mgoingtogetgoing.Congratulations.AndletmeknowifIcanhelpinanyway.”
Theylookedatmegratefully.Idon’tknowwhattheyexpected.MaybetheythoughtdespitethegracefulwayI’dhandledeverythingelseuptothispointthatthismightbethethingthatpushedmeovertheedge.ButIwasfullycommittedtomaintainingmypositiononthis.Beingdifficultandindignantwouldn’tchangeit.Andtheydidn’tmeantohurtme.
Eveniftheydid.
Igotupandtriedmybesttowalkatanormalspeedoutofthebar.Thethumpschasedme,eachonelikeagunshottomyheels.
IfeltmyselfjustoutpacethewaveofanxietyasIburstintothecoolAprilairandleanedforwardonmyknees,gaspingforbreathonthesidewalk.
Soitwasfinallyhappening.ThewomanIlovedhadmovedon.Shewasmarryingsomeoneelse.
Andthesomeoneelsewasmybrother.
ThenextdayIwasonthehospitalfloor,inbetweenpatients,whenmycellphonerang.ItwasmyoldersisterJewel.Istaredattheincomingcallwitharesignedsenseofdread.
Iwasgoingtodealwiththeshockwaveofthisnewsinlayers.Myownfeelingsaboutit,andtheneveryoneelse’s,dumpedonmelikeicewateroverandoveruntilIwasdrenchedinit.
IslippedintoasupplyclosetandhittheAnswerbutton.
“Jewel.”
“It’stotalbullshit,”shesaid.“I’mnotgoing,justsoyouknow.Fuckthemboth.”
“Fuckthemboth!”herwife,Gwen,parrotedfromthebackground.
Irubbedmyforeheadtiredly.“Gwen,it’sfine.”
“It’sokaytonotbefine,Jacob.”Mom’svoice.
“I’mnotgoingeither,”afourthcalledout.Myotheroldersister,Jill
“Meeither!”Theyoungest,Jane.
AmyandJeremiahmusthavetoldmyfamilytogether.
“Yourfather’shere,”Momsaid.
“Jacob,I’mhereifyouwanttotalk,”Dadsaidfromsomewherefartherawaythanthewomen.
He’dprobablybeenropedintothisphonecall.Dramaticdeclarationsweren’treallyhisstyle.
“They’vemadetheirbed,”Jewelsaid.“Noonefromthisfamilyisgoingtobethere.”
“Iwillbethere.I’mhappyforthem,”Ilied.“AndIintendtofullysupportthem,”Isaidhonestly.“AndIhopeyouwilltoo.”
Theygaspedindignantlyinunison.“Howcanyoupossiblybeokaywiththis?”Jewelasked.“Theystarteddatinglessthanthreemonthsafteryoutwobrokeup.It’sdisgusting.”
“It’sfuckedup,man.”Walter,Jill’shusband.
Thewholegang.Perfect.
Isatonaboxoftoiletpaper.“I’mreallyokay,”Isaid,pinchingthebridgeofmynose.
“Youarenotokay,”Gweninsisted.“They’reassholes!Howcantheyexpectyoutobethere?Howcantheyexpectanyofustobethere?”
“Idon’tthinktheyexpectanything,”Isaidwearily.“Butyounotsupportingitisn’tgoingtochangeit.Aslongastheywantmethere,I’mgoingtothewedding.Evenifyou’renot.”
“Jacob,”Momsaidcarefully,“youhavealwaysbeenthediplomaticone.Ilovethataboutyou,butyoudonotneedtoputyourselfthroughthis.It’sfinetosetboundaries.”
“Mom,I’mreallyokay.I’moverit.I’vemovedon.”
“Movedonhow?”Jewelsaid.“Youhaven’tgoneonasingledatesincesheleft.”
Jillwhisperedinthebackground,“Maybehe’sfindinghimself.Hedoesn’tneedtodatetomoveon—”
“Yes,hedoes!”Jewelhissed.“Ifhe’snothavingsexwithsomeoneelse,thenhe’sstillobsessedwithher—”
“Wedon’tknowthathe’snothavingsex,”Momsaid.“Justbecausehehasn’tbroughtanyonehomedoesn’tmeanhe’snothavingintercourse—Jacob?WhileIthinkrediscoveringyoursexualityafterasplitcanbewonderfulforyourself-esteem,riskysexualbehaviorismorecommonafteratraumaticbreakup.Ifyou’rehavingintercourse,youareusingprotection,right?NowyouknowhowIfeelaboutcoconutoilasalubricant,it’sveryhealingforthevaginabutitdoescausecondomstobreak—”
“Whataboutgrape-seedoil?”Dadaskedfromsomewherefaroff.“Doesthatdothecondomthing?Ilikethegrape-seedoil.Silky.”
“Okay,canwenot?”Jewelsaid.
“YourfatherandIaresexualbeings,”Momsaid.“Let’snotpretendlikewedon’tknowhowyoukidsgothere.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshut.Iaminhell
“Jacob,areyouhavingsexwithanyone?”Jillasked.“Ifeellikeweshouldjustclearthisup.”
Ithrewupahand.“Youknowwhat?Yes.Iam.”
Theliewassooutofnowhereitalmostfeltlikesomeoneelsesaidit.AndwhyhadIsaidit?ButthenIknewwhy.
Itwasoneofthosefalsehoodsyoutoldtomakesomeoneelsefeelbetter.Tellingadyingmanthateverythingwasgoingtobeokaywhenyouknewitwasn’t.Itwasasortofmercy.Forallofthem.
Ithinkdeepdownmyfamilywantedtobeokaywiththiswedding.TheylovedAmy,andtheylovedJeremiah.Theywereupsetonprincipleandformybenefit,notbecausetheyhatedeitherofthem.Theyjusthatedhowtheythoughtitmademefeel.ItwasobviousthataslongasIwasunattached,Iwasthejiltedexinneedoftheirprotectionandindignation.AmyandIwouldnevergetbacktogether,sowhatwasthepoint?Whymakethisstandinmyhonor?Ididn’twantit
AmyandJeremiahwouldgetmarriedwithorwithoutmyfamily’ssupport.Andthey’dhavekids,andthosekidswouldbeblameless.Evenifthewholefamilyshunnedmybrotherandmyexfortherestoftheirlives,itwouldn’tchangeathing.SoifIhadtotellawhitelietoredirectthefocus,that’swhatIwasgoingtodo.
“You’reseeingsomeone?”Jillasked.“Whoisshe?”
“It’sjustsomeoneIworkwith,”Isaid,hopingthey’ddropit.
“AtRoyaume?”Jewelasked.“IsthatwhyyouquitMemorialWest?”
“Uh…”
“Becauseweallthoughtyouquitsoyouwouldn’thavetoworkwithAmybecauseyouweresoheartbrokenandsad!”Jillsoundedexcited.“Butyouquitbecauseyou’reinloveandyouwanttobeclosetoher?”
Iblinked.“Yes?”
Everyonemadeanawwwwwwwnoise.
“Whencanwemeether?”Janeaskedexcitedly.
“I…Idon’tknow,”Istuttered.“I’mnotreadytointroducehertoanyoneyet.It’sstillnew.”
Icouldfeelthembubblingontheotherendoftheline.Damn.They’dneverletthisgonow.
“Listen,”Isaid,puttingthephonetomyotherear.“Iamokaywiththiswedding.Ihavemovedon,andIamhappyforthem.”
“Willyoubringyourgirlfriendtothewedding?”Gwenasked,asmileinhervoice.
“Uh…Iguess.Ifwe’restilltogether,yes.”
Moresquealing.
IheardJewelsighdramatically.“Okay,”shesaid.“Fine.Iguess,sinceyou’reokaywithit,Ihateitless.ButI’mstillnotexcited.”
“Idolikeweddings,though,”Jillsaid.“Butyou’reright,I’mstillmadatthem,”sheaddedquickly.
Ishookmyhead.“Don’tbemadatthem.Look,Igottago.I’monshift.”
“Willweseeyouonthenineteenthfordinner?”Momasked.“Iwantlasagna,butyourfathermightsmokeaporkroast.”
“Yes,Iwillbetherefordinner,”Isaid.
“Canyoubringabottleofwine?”
“Yes,Iwillbringwine.”
“Okay.Loveyou!”
Theyallsaidgood-byeinunisonandhungup.Isetmyphoneonmythighandputmypalmstomyeyes.
I’dhavetosayIbrokeupwithmyimaginarygirlfriendwhenitcamearoundtoit.Buthopefullyitwouldtakethepressureoffinthemeantime.MaybeeveryonewouldfinallystoplookingatmelikeIwasgoingtocrumbleintodust
Granted,ithadbeenabadbreakup.ButatleastIgotthedog.
Idraggedmyselfupandletmyselfoutofthesupplycloset—andsomeonecrashedintome.Iletoutanoomph,andmyphoneflewfrommyhandandwentskitteringacrossthehardfloor.
Thedoctorwhohitmedidn’tstop.Shelaunchedoffmeandcontinuedrunningdownthehallwaytowardthepatientrooms.
“Whatthehell?”Imuttered,pickingupmyphone.Thescreenwascracked.
“Watchwhereyou’regoing!”Ishoutedafterher,annoyed.
Shedidn’tevenglanceback.AnursegavemeadirtylooklikeIwastheasshole.
Waseveryonerudelikethishere?Whatthehellwaswrongwiththisplace?
Ipeeredforlornlyatmycell.Itstillworked,butthecornerwasshattered.Theperfectendingtotheworstweekever.Igrittedmyteeth.
Istalkeddownthehallwayinthedirectionthewomanran.Ididn’tknowexactlywhatmyplanwas.Givehermythoughtsonrunninginthehalls?Demandshecoverthescreenrepair?
IpokedmyheadintotheroomsoneatatimeuntilIspottedher.Shewasbedside,herbacktome,talkingtoayoungman.
Thepatientwasgray.Hehadadialysiscatheterinhischest.Theskinarounditlookedredandswollen.
“Whydidn’tyoucallme?”sheaskedthemaninthebed.“Thisistotallyinfected.”Sheflutteredaroundhim,lookingathisvitals.“Youcouldhavegoneseptic.Thisissodangerous.”Shetookathermometeroutofhismouthandshookherhead.“Youcan’tletthingsgetthisbad,Benny.Youneedtotellmewhenstuffisn’tright.”
IrealizedthenthatIwasintrudingonsomethingandwasabouttomakemyexit,butanursecameupbehindmewithahugedialysismachine,forcingmefullyintotheroom.Isteppedasideandstoodnexttothewallasshewheeledittothebed.
“Ithurts…”Bennysaidquietly.
“Iknow,”thewomansaid,alittlesofternow.“I’mgettingyouonsomeantibioticsandpainmeds.”Sheputahandonhishead.“Inafewminutesyou’llbesixteenagain,passedoutonJ?gerinacornfield.”
Isnortedfrommycorner,andshetwistedandnoticedmestandingthere.“Uh,canIhelpyou?”
MyGod,shewasbeautiful.Shewassobeautifulitdisarmedme.ForasecondIforgotwhatIwasevendoingthere.
Longbrownhairtiedintoamessybun.Widebrowneyes,fulllashes.
Thenmyanxietylurched—someviolentcombinationofathrowbacktotenthgrade,menervoustalkingtoaprettygirl,coupledwiththestressofmeetinganewcoworkerinahostileworkenvironmentwhileIwasinaroomIshouldn’tbein.Ifroze.
Thisdidn’tnormallyhappenwhileIwasonthejob.Myanxietywaswellmanagedatwork.Iwasassuredandconfidentinmyinteractionswithmypeersandsubordinates.Iwasanexcellentphysician.Butshehadmeflusteredjustbylookingatme—thewayshewaslookingatme,annoyedandimpatient.Ifeltmysocialskillsdropofflikeaheart-attackvictimflatlining.
Iclearedmythroat.“Uh,youbumpedintomebackthere,”Isaidawkwardly.
SheblinkedatmelikeIwastellingherthemostunimportantthingintheworld.“Okay.Sorry?”
“You,uh,shouldn’truninthehallways.”
Shestaredatme.
Mymouthstartedtogetdry.“It’sjust,IusedtobeheadofemergencymedicineatMemorialWestandIknowhoweasyitisforaccidentsto—”
Hereyesflashed.“Yeah,I’mawareofyourrésumé,Dr.Maddox.Thanksforthehottip.Now,ifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketobealonewithmypatient?”
Shecutdaggersthroughme.Bennywasstaring.Eventhenursewasglaringatme.
Istoodthereforanothersecond.ThenIbackedoutoftheroom.Hotembarrassmentsearedupmyneck.WhathadIbeenthinkinggoingintherelikethat?JesusChrist,Jacob.
IwentbacktomysideoftheER,runningthewholeawkwardencounterthroughmyheadoverandover,obsessingaboutwhatIshouldhavesaidorshouldhavedone.
Sostupid
Ishouldn’thavebroacheditwhenshewaswithapatient.Thatwasthefirstthing.MaybeIshouldhaveledwiththefactthatsheactuallybrokemyphone,sosheknewIwasn’tjusttheretogiveherahardtimeabouttherunning
MaybeIshouldhavejustletitgo.
Lettingitgowouldhavebeenbetter.Becausethentherewouldhavebeennoencounteratall.Ishouldhavejustsaid“Wrongroom”andleft.
God,Iwasajerk.IwaseffortlesslysucceedinginmakingmyselfthemosthatedpersonatRoyaumeNorthwestern.
IknewfromyearsoftherapythatIwasruminating.Thattheencounterhadprobablybeennothingtoher,buttomeitfeltlikethemostembarrassingthingthathadeverhappened.AdecadefromnowI’dbelyinginbedandmyeyeswouldflyopenandI’dremembertheincredulouswayshe’dlookedatme—me,theguywhohadtheaudacitytowalkintoherERroomandtalktoheraboutrunningtowardacriticalpatient,onesheobviouslyknewandcaredabout.
Icringedthroughthesecondhalfoftheday.Myanxietyfeltlikeelectricity.Alow,hummingcurrentundermyskin,asurvivalinstincttriggeredandgnawingatme,tellingmetoflee.Icouldn’tescapeit,andIcouldn’tcalmitdown.
Usuallymyanxietymedsleveledmeout.Buttherewasonlysomuchmedscoulddo.Ihadtomanagestress,usethecopingskillsI’dlearnedintherapy.Mostimportantly,Ihadtolivealifestyleconducivetowellness.That’swhatIthoughtIwasdoingcominghere,gettingmyselfoutoftheunhealthysituationatMemorialWestwithAmyandJeremiah,makingachoicethatwasbestformymentalhealth.
Butnowthis
IknewIwasbeingquietandtaciturnandthiswasn’thelpingtoendearmetothealready-coldnursesonmyshift,butIwassoinmyheadIcouldn’tstopmyself.I’dmanagedtotradeseeingAmyandJeremiaheverysingledayforawholeteamofpeoplewhohatedmygutsinstead.
I’dalwayshadahardtimemakingnewfriends.Igotnervousinunfamiliarsocialsettings,soIwouldsaythewrongthingorbecomewithdrawn,soittooktimeforpeopletowarmuptome.MaybeIjustneededtimeheretoo.Butsomethingtoldmethisplacewasdifferent.Theyweretoocliquedup.Itfeltlikehighschoolalloveragain.IwastheoutsiderandI’dkeepbeingtheoutsider,especiallyifIkeptmessingthingsupthewayI’dbeendoing.AndIdidn’tevenknowhowtostop.
Ihadanotherhourofmyshift,butIneededabreak.Mymentalbatterywasemptyagain.Ididn’twanttorunintothatwomaninthedoctors’lounge,soIheadedbacktothesupplycloset.
OnlywhenIgotthere,itwasn’tempty…Chapter3
Briana
IgotBennysituatedandmanagednottocrythewholetime.Then,oncehewascomfortable,Imadeabeelineformysobcloset.
IlikedtocryinthesupplyclosetbyGibson’soffice.Quiet,lowtraffic.Ihadatoilet-paperboxIlikedtositon,andthestuffontheshelvesactedassoundinsulationsonobodycouldhearmecompletelylosingmymind.
I’dcriedinthisclosetmoretimesthanIcouldcount.Icriedinhereafterlosingpatients.IcriedherewhentheytoldmeBennywasinend-stagerenalfailure.CriedhereforNick.I’devencriedinherealittlebitforthatbackstabbingtraitor,Kelly,the“friend”whospenttwoyearssleepingwithmyhusbandinbetweenmeetingmeforbrunch.Butneverinallthosetimeshadanyoneeverwalkedinonme.Andtodaysomeonedid.
Thedooropenedandamanslippedinside.Heshutthedoorbehindhimandturnedaroundtoseemesittingthere,allsnotbubblesinmynoseandhairstickingtomycheeks.
Dr.Death.
Westaredateachotherinsurpriseforasplitsecond—andthenhefled.
IletoutthebreathI’dbeenholdingandputmyfacebackintomyhands.
Ofcoursethisguywouldviolatethesanctityofthisspace.Whatanasshole.
Heyelledatmeearlier.Imean,Iranintohim,soyeah,Igotit.ButthenhefollowedmeintoBenny’sroomtogivemesomemansplainingdressing-downaboutrunninginthehallways.Firsthegottheredcarpetrolledoutforhimtotryhisbestattakingmyjob,thenthis.Icouldn’tbelieve—
Thedooropenedagain.Hecamebackin,shutthedoorbehindhim,crouchedinfrontofme,andhandedmeawetwashcloth.
“Foryourface,”hesaidgently.“It’swarm.”
TherewassomethingsokindanddisarminginhislightbrowneyesthatIalmostforgothowmuchIdislikedhim.Almost.
Ipausedforamoment,thentookit.“Thankyou.”Isniffed.
Hesmiledalittleandnodded.Buthedidn’tgo.Hesatdownagainstthedoor.
Istaredathim,wonderingwhatintheworldhethoughthewasdoing.Iwantedhimtoleave.Theroomwastotallycrowdedwithhiminit,andIwasn’tgoingtokeepcryingwithhimsittinghere.
ButthenIrealizedthatheprobablywantedtomakesureIwasokay.Iguessitwouldbeweirdifhejusthandedmeawashclothandtookoff,like“Enjoyyourmeltdown.”
Iletoutaresignedbreathandpressedthewarmtowelintomyeyes.Itdidmakemefeelbetter.
“Areyouokay?”heaskedquietly.
Isniffledandnodded,lookinganywhereotherthanhisface.
ThelegsofhisblackscrubswereinchedupandIcouldseehisgraysocks.Theyhadtinybrowndogsonthem.Iguesshewasanoveltysockkindofguy.
Hehadonablacksmartwatch.Tonedfreckledarmslikeheworkedout.Astethoscopedrapedaroundhisneck,hishospitalbadgeclippedtohisshirt.WhenIgottohiseyes,hewasgazingbackatme.Afive-o’clockshadow,afullheadofthickreddish-brownhair.Hewasn’tbadlooking.Like,atall.
Idistrustedgood-lookingmenonprinciple.Nickwasgood-looking,andlookwherethatgotme.
Hiseyeswerered,andIwonderedifhisdaywasgoingaboutaswellasmine.Maybehe’dcomeinhereforabreaktoo.
“So,”hesaid.“Doyoucomehereoften?”
Iletoutadrylaughatthejoke.“Bestplacetocryinthewholehospital,”Isaid,myvoiceraspy.
“IusedtolikethestairwellatMemorialWest.”
Inodded.“Alsoasolidchoice.Alittletooechoeyformyuse,butanicesupplyclosetalternativeifyou’reclaustrophobic.”
“On-callroomsaregoodtoo,”hesuggested.
“ToofarfromtheER.Ilikethesobcloset.Closeenoughforaspontaneousmiddaybreakdown.”
“Myfavoritekind,”hesaidtiredly.
Sohehadcomeheretohide.
Hepausedamoment.“I’mJacob,”hesaid.
“Briana.”
Thenwewentquietagain.
Therewassomethingcomfortableaboutthesilence,akindofunderstandinginit.
ItremindedmeofabackpackingtripI’dtakenafewyearsago.Nickhadn’twantedtogo,soIwasalone.Iknewonlytoowellnowwhyhedidn’twanttogo.HisfavoritetimetocheatwaswhenIwasonamountainsomewherewithoutcellservice—butanyway.I’dbeenontheSuperiorHikingTrailrightafterdawn,andranintoabearonthepath.Webothpausedandjuststoodthere,lookingateachother.Himwithhisbearclawsandbearteeth.Mewithmybearspray.Butneitherofusmovedtohurttheother,andIcouldn’texplainitotherthantosaythatthebearandIagreedtobeharmlesstoeachotherandsharethespace.That’swhatthisfeltlike.Aquiet,unspokentruce.
Maybehewasn’tsobad.Hedidn’tlooklikeanawfulperson.Helookedtired.Sortofvulnerable.
“Ishesomeoneyouknow?”heaskedquietly.“Thedialysispatient?”
Iletoutaslowbreath.“Mylittlebrother,”Isaid.
“Whatcausedit?”heasked.
“Anautoimmunedisorder.Cameoutofnowhere.”
Wesattherequietly.HimagainsthisdoorandmeonmyTPbox.
“Youknow,itcouldbeworse,”hesaidafteramoment.“Youcanlivefordecadesondialysis.”
Iwasinstantlysnappedbackintotheroom.
Itcouldbeworse.
Iwassosickandtiredofplatitudes.
Godhasaplan.
Everythinghappensforareason.
Whatdoesn’tkillyoumakesyoustronger.
No,itdoesn’t,andfuckallofit.
TherewasnoreasonforthistobehappeningtoBenny.Itwasn’tGod’splan,anditwasn’tgoingtomakehimstronger.Andyouknowwhat?Maybeitcouldbeworse.Butwhocares?Thatwasthemostunhelpfulcommentofall.Bennyhadeveryrighttohatewhatwashappeningtohim.Hehadeveryrighttogrievethelifeandthebodyhe’dlostandtobeangryaboutit,nomatterhowmanycountlessotherscenariossuckedslightlymorethanthisone.
“Whythefuckwouldhewanttolivefordecadesondialysis?”Isnapped.“He’stwenty-sevenyearsold.HewantstomakespontaneoustripstoVegaswithhisfriends,drinkbeer,meetgirls,andhavesexwithoutbeingembarrassedaboutthetubesstickingoutofhischest.”
Heputupahand.“Ididn’tmean—”
“Ireallyhopesomethinglikethisneverhappenstosomeoneyoulove.Ortoyou.AndIseriouslyhopeyouneversaystupidshitlikethistoyourpatients.”
Igotup.“Letmeout.”
Hepushedalongbreaththroughhislipsanddippedhisheadbetweenhiskneesforasecond.Thenhedraggedhimselfupandmovedawayfromthedoor.
Istoppedrightbeforeopeningit.“Andanotherthing.Ithinkit’scompletelyunethicalwhatyouandGibsonaredoing.Butit’sfine.Doesn’tmatter.”Ilookedhimintheeye.“Thisismyteam.Thisismyhospital.You’llnevergetthejob,nomatterwhopullsstringsforyou.”
Islammedthedooronmywayout.Chapter4
Jacob
Ihadnoideawhatthehellshewastalkingabout.None.AndIwasn’tgoingtoaskher.Iwaitedafewmomentsbeforeleavingthesupplyclosettogiveherachancetoclearthearea.ThenIdidmybesttostayonmyownsideoftheERfortherestofmyshift.
IwonderedifIcouldkeepdoingthis.Iwasmiserablehere.IwasmiserableatMemorial,andIwouldprobablybemiserablewhereverelseIwenttoo.Maybethiswasmylifenow,justexistingandhatingeveryminuteofit.
ItoccurredtomethatmaybeAmyhadbeenrighttogiveuponme.HowcouldIbelovablewhenIwasn’tevenlikable?
IwrappedupmylastpatientandwasheadingtothelockerroomwhenZandercameoutofroomseven,theoneBennywasin.
“Maddox!”Hegrinnedatme.“Thereyouare.Iwasgonnagohuntyourassdown.”
Dr.ZanderReesewasanephrologist.Akidneyspecialistandagoodone.Hewasalsomybestfriend.We’dbeenroommatesinmedschoolandthroughourresidencies.Hewasoneofthesellingpointsofthismove.Knowingsomeoneherehadbeenaplus.Itwasnicetofinallyseeafamiliarface,onethatwasn’tscowlingatme.
MaybeZanderwasBenny’skidneyspecialist?Ipeeredpasthimtoseeintotheroom,butthecurtainwasacrosstheslidingglassdoor.
Iwonderedifshewasstillthere.Probably.
IfeltlikeIshouldapologizetoherforthecommentinthesupplycloset,butitseemedlikethemoreItalked,theworsethingsgot.
Zandersmackedmeontheshoulder.“Hey,sorryImissedyouyesterday,bud,Ihadroundsatthedialysisclinic.”Henoddeddownthehallway.“Gibsonsentmetolookforyou.You’reoffrightnow,right?Wannagetadrink?We’rethinkingMafi’sacrossthestreet.”
IlikedMafi’s.AndIlikedthatitwasaplaceI’dbeentobefore.He’dprobablypickeditforthatexactreason.
PlacesIknewwerelessstressfulformebecauseIhadasenseofhowlouditwasgoingtobe,howcrowded.Iwouldn’thavetoaskanyonewheretherestroomswere.
SometimesI’dGoogleaplacejusttoseewhatIcouldbeforegoing.FigureoutwhatI’dorder,whattheparkingsituationwouldbelike.OriftherewasabigdinnerorapartyIhadtogoto,I’dwalkthroughthevenuethedaybefore,sowhenIgotthere,I’dfeelmoreorientedandlessstressedbeforehavingtodealwithalargesocialcommitment
I’ddonethatheretoo.I’dtouredRoyaumetwicebeforeItookthetransfer.Zanderwashere,IknewGibson,Iknewthejob,I’dfeltcomfortablewiththemove.
Butsometimeseventhemostthoroughduediligencecouldn’tshowyoutheheartofathing…
Zanderwaswaitingformyreply.
NormallyafteradayliketodayI’djustwanttogohome.ButIneededtohaveapositivesocialinteractionsothelastonewouldn’tbeallIcouldthinkabout.IfIdidn’tputsomethingbetweenmeandwhathappened,I’dfixateonittherestofthenight.
“Sure,”Isaid.“Letmegetchanged.I’llmeetyouguysthere.”
Ifoundthemintherestaurantthirtyminuteslater.Gibsonwavedmeoverwithafriendlysmile.Hewasoneofthoseeasypeopleeveryoneliked.
GibsonandIwentwayback.We’dneverworkedtogether,butwe’dhadthesamejobforthelastfewyearsandendedupatenoughofthesameconferencestogetprettywellacquainted.PlusheknewMom.Mostdoctorsdid.Shewasawell-respectedphysicianinherownright.
HesmiledatmeasIsatdown.“Maddox.How’sthenewjobtreatingyou?”
“Good,”Ilied.
“Andhow’sAmy?”heasked.
“Fine.Webrokeupeightmonthsago.”
Hearchedaneyebrow.“Ouch.Ididn’tknowthat.I’msorry.Isthatwhyyoutransferred?”
Ipickedupamenuandlookedatit,thoughIdidn’tneedto.I’dalreadycheckeditoutonline.“Inpart,yes,”Isaid.“She’sgettingmarried,actually.ToJeremiah.”
Zanderstaredatme.“Areyoukiddingme?”
“I’mafraidnot.”
Gibsonleanedbackinthebooth.“Andwhatdoesyourmotherhavetosayaboutthat?”
“Plenty,”Imumbled.
Zandernoddedatme.“Atleastyougotthedog,”hesaid.
“Thereisthat.”
I’dadoptedLieutenantDanwhenAmyandIweretogether.Hewasmydog,butwe’dsharedhimprettyequally,andAmylovedhimjustasmuchasIdid.Ihalf-expectedhertoaskforpartialcustody,butluckilyshedidn’tfightmeonit.Shedidn’tfightmeformuch,cometothinkofit.Therewasnothingtofightover.We’dneverlivedtogether,didn’thavekids.
IlookedupatGibsonoverthemenu.“Hey,Iwantedtoaskyousomething.There’sadoctorhere,Briana—Zander,Ithinkyou’retreatingherbrother?”
“Dr.Ortiz,”Gibsonsaidalittlewarily.“Isshegivingyouproblems?”
“No.Shesaidsomethingtomeaboutyoupullingstringsforme?Sheseemedupsetaboutit.Doyouknowwhatthat’sabout?”
Heblewabreaththroughhislips.“She’suptoreplacemewhenIgo.ImentionedtoherthatI’veputoffretiringtogivethestaffachancetogettoknowyoubeforewevoteonthenextchief.Shewasnothappywithme.”
Ipressedmylipstogetherandnodded.Well,thatwoulddoit.
“Ihavenointerestintheposition,Gibson.”
Helookedsurprised.“No?Ijustassumedyou’dtakeastabatit.Youtookaprettybigstepdowncominghere.”
“Mychiefdaysareover.Icameheretosimplifymylife.”Andwasfailingmiserably…
Heletoutasigh.“Okay.Well,Icanrespectthat.”
“Seemsalittleunfairtodelaythevoteonmybehalf,”Isaid.“Icanunderstandwhyshe’dbefrustrated.”
“Eh,itwouldn’thavemattered,”Gibsonsaiddismissively.“Noshadetoyou,I’msureyou’dputupaheckofafight,butit’dbealandslideinherfavornomatterhowlongIwaited.Herteamlovesherandshe’sahellofaphysician.”
“Thenwhybotherputtingoffthevote?”Iasked.
Hepickeduphismenuandstartedtolookitover.“Idon’tliketheopticsofherrunningunchallenged.IttakesvalidityoutofthewinandIdon’twantanyonewhisperingundertheirbreaththatshegotitbecausetherewasnooneelse.It’snotfairtoherandit’snotagoodwaytoenterapositionofleadership.”
Zanderbobbedhishead.“Soyouputherupagainstanobviousfront-runner—andletherobliteratehim.”Helookedimpressed.“Ilikeit.”Henoddedatme.“Fuckedupforyou,butIdolikeit.”
Ialsolikedit.Notthemelosingpart,butthereasonforit.Atleastithadbeenwellintentioned.
“Asnobleasitsounds,I’mstillgoingtohavetooptout,”Isaid.
Gibsonnodded.“Noted.Well,I’mstickingaroundanywayincasesomeoneelsebraveenoughtochallengehersurfaces.Andhonestly,I’mhappyfortheextracoupleofmonths.I’mnotreadytoleaveyet.Quittingaftertwentyyearsisalot.AndspendingallthattimewithJodi?Idon’tknowifI’mreadyforit.”
“You’renot,”Zandersaid.“Trustme.Ilookforwardtomyhusband’scurlingtripsallyearsoIcangetsomepeace.”
Gibsonshookhisheadoverhismenu.“Isupposeyoudon’ttakeajoblikethisoneifyou’rehappyathome.Unlessyou’reinyourposition.I’dimagineAmydidn’tcare,sinceshesawyouatworkanyway.”
“Shecared,”Imuttered.Ididn’telaborate.“Andanyway,Ididn’treallywantthechiefpositiontheneither.Iwassortofpushedintoitbytheteam.It’snotreallymything.”
Gibsonwavedmeoff.“Iftheypushedyouintoit,it’syourthing.You’rediplomatic,fair,andyoudon’tleantowarddrama.Theyrespectedyou.Briana’sthesameway,actually.Thoughalittlebitmoreofabulldog.”
Zanderraisedafingerataservertocallherover.“Brianawillmakeagoodchief—ifyouevergetthehelloutofhere.”
Gibsonchuckled.
“How’stheanxiety?”Zanderaskedme.“Noteasybeingthenewguy.”
“It’sbeenokay,”Iliedagain.
“Startinganewjobhasgottabelikeyourownpersonalhell,”Zanderwenton.“Thegrown-upversionofstandingupinfrontoftheclassandintroducingyourself.”
Iscoffed.Itwasexactlylikethat.OnlyIwasnakedtooandmydogatemyhomework.
LuckilyourservercameoverbeforeIhadtogetmoreintoit.Zanderorderedoneofeveryappetizerforthetable,sotheguysdidn’torderanyentrées,butIgotasalad.I’dtrywhatcame,butIwouldn’tfilluponfriedfoodsandsodium.
Whenmymentalhealthwasstruggling,Ihadastrictself-careregime.ThesecondIstartedtonoticetheglitchy,statickyfeelingcreepingin,Imadeaconcertedefforttoexerciseandgetenoughsleep.Icutoutalcohol,processedsugar,andcarbs,triedtoeatmorewholefoods.Journaled.Itallhelped.AndrightnowIneededallthehelpIcouldget.Iwasteeteringonsomeprecipice,tryingnottofall.AmyandJeremiah,myfamily,mynewjob—allofitproddingmetothedrop-off.
Theguys’cocktailsweredelivered,andIgotmyclubsodaandlime.TheywentintostoriesabouttheirpatientsasIsatbackandenjoyedthedistraction.IwasgladIcame.Ineededthis.Areminderthattherewerepeoplewholikedme.
Interactionslikethisonedidn’twearmeout.Theyknewme.Theydidn’ttakeitpersonallyifIslippedintosilenceandjustlistened.Theydidn’tgivemeahardtimeaboutnothavinganyalcohol,whichissomethingIneverdideither,toanyone.Youneverknewwhatsomeone’sreasonwasfornotdrinking.
Thesefriendswereeasy.Notallofthemwere.
Differentpeoplehaddifferentenergydemands.Somepeopletookmorefrommethanothers.Dad,forexample,waslowenergy.IcouldspenddayswithhiminhisworkshopandneverfeellikeIneededabreak.JillandJanewereeasytoo.ButMomandJeremiahandJewel?Theywerehigh-energypeoplewhocoulddrainmeinamatterofminutes.TherewasonlysomuchofthemIcouldhandle.
Amywasthehighest-energyofall.Therewasneversilence.Shehadtofilleverymoment.
Inthebeginning,Ilikedit.Ididn’thavetobecharmingorforceconversation.She’ddoitall,andI’dgettositandlistenandlaughatherstories,andsheneverneededmetocontribute.Listeningwasmycontribution.Whenwewenttoparties,shehandledallthesmalltalkwitheveryoneandIgottojustbethere.Ittookpressureoffme.Myfamilylovedher.Itwaseasy.Ithinkmyreservedpersonalitymadeherfeellistenedtoandthecenterofattention,thewaysheliked.Anditmademetheopposite.Shemademeinvisible,thewayIliked.
ButthenonedayIrealizedIkneweverythingaboutherandsheknewnothingaboutme.Nothing.AndIwaslonely,eventhoughIwaswithsomeone.SoIfinallybroughtituptoherand…well.Herewewere.
GibsonnoddedtoZander.“DidIseeBennycomethroughtoday?”
“Yeah.Infectedcatheter.”
Isatup.“Brianatoldmeabouthim,”Isaid,suddenlyinterestedinparticipatingintheconversation.“Autoimmunedisease.”
“Man,shitluckforthatkid.Zerotokidneyfailureineighteenmonths.”
“Ishissisterdonatingakidney?”Iasked.
Zandertookaswallowofhisbourbon.“Notamatch.Sofarnobodyis.”
Gibsonshookhishead.“Poorkid.Losthisjob,girlfriendbrokeupwithhim.”
“Thatpissedmeoff,”Zandersaid,tippinghisglassatGibson.
“Why’dshebreakupwithhim?”Iasked.
“Couldn’thandleit,”Gibsonsaid.“Noendinsight,didn’twanttowaititout.”
Ishookmyhead.“Howlongdoessomeonelikethatwaitonthetransplantlist?Itcan’tbethatlong.”
Zanderbobbedhishead.“Depends.Canbeanywherefromthreetosevenyears.Buthe’sgotararebloodtype—therarestbloodtype,actually.Mightbelongerforhim.”
Isatbackinmyseat.“Longerthansevenyears,”Ibreathed.“God,Ican’timagine.”Nowonderhissisterwassoupset.
Ihadn’tmeanttobeinsensitivewithmycommentaboutdialysis.I’dmeantittobereassuring—becauseitwastrue.Dialysiswouldkeephimalive.Butthequalityofhislifewouldsufferinthemeantime.Todayhadbeenaprimeexampleofit.
Besidesthehealthrollercoaster,he’dbestrappedtoadialysismachineforfourhoursadayeveryotherday.Hecouldn’thavetoomuchliquid,sincehisbodycouldn’tgetridofit.Nosouporicecreamorwatermelon.Nodrinkswithfriends.NotevenaCoke.Nothingsaltybecausehewouldn’tbeabletohandlethesodium,nothingfried.Hecouldn’tdothethingIwasdoingrightnow,eatingrandomappetizersandthinkingnothingofit.
“Willhisautoimmunediseasedamagehisnewkidneywhenhegetsone?”Iasked.
Zandershrugged.“Wegotitundercontrol.Onlyaboutatenpercentchanceofrecurrence.He’llhaveanormallifeifhegetsadonor.ButIwouldn’tholdmybreath.”
Iwentquietforalongmoment.
IthoughtaboutwhatBrianasaid,howherbrotherjustwantedtobenormal.Iknewwhatitwasliketohaveyourlifecontrolledbyanoutsidefactor.Myanxietywaslimitingtoo.Butthis?Ithadtobehard.Especiallyforsuchayoungman.
WhathadIbeendoingattwenty-seven?ItookthatbackpackingtriptoMachuPicchuwithZander,wentcampingalot.ThingsItookforgranted.Thingsthatwouldn’tbepossibleondialysis,that’sforsure.
“He’sgotabetterchanceofgettingadeceaseddonor,”Zandercontinued.“Buttheorganwon’tlastaslong,andtheydon’ttakeaswelleither.Higherchanceofrejection.Ideallyhe’dgetalivingdonor,butnoneofthefamily’samatch,andwithhisbloodtype…”
“What’stherecoverylikeforalivingdonor?”Iasked.
“Nottoobad.Coupleofweeks.Why?Youthinkingaboutit?”
“I’vealwaysconsidereditafterMom.”
“Oh,yeah,Iforgotaboutthat,”Zandersaid.“Thatwas—what?Twentyyearsagonow?”
Inodded.“Justabout.”
Momhadlupus.She’dgoneintokidneyfailurewhenIwasinhighschool.Nevergottothetransplantlist,though,becauseherbestfriend,Dorothy,steppedinandgaveheroneofhers.Momwaslucky.Sheneverevenhadtododialysis.
Wewereallkidsatthetime,sononeofuscouldhelp,andDadwasn’tagoodcandidatebecauseofhishighbloodpressure.
I’dbeendeeplymovedbythegesture.
“IalwayspromisedmyselfwhenIwasoldenough,I’dpayitforward,”Isaid.
“What’syourbloodtype?”Zanderasked.
“O.”
Hesatupalittlestraighter.“Universaldonor.”Heseemedtostudymenow.“Anyhealthissues?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
“Wantmetosetupthelabs?Justtosee?Nocommitment.Thefamilywon’tknow.”
Ithoughtaboutitforamoment.
Whatwastheharminseeing?Imightnotbeamatchintheend,andIcouldalwayssayno.
Ishrugged.“Okay.Sure.”Chapter5
Briana
I’dhadatotalbreakdownlastnightwhenIgothome.
I’dstartedtorealizeIwouldneverreallybehappyagain.NotthewayIhadbeen.Iwasn’tevergettingmylifeback,anditwasn’tjustthethingwithNick.Benny’sconditionhadbrokenme.Itwasthefinalstraw.
Bennywaslikemychild.IwaseightyearsolderandhadpracticallyraisedhimwhileMomworkedandwenttonursingschool.
Icouldbethestrong-asswomanMomtaughtmetobe.Icouldputmyselfthroughmedschoolandsupportmyselfandlivethroughmyhorrendousdivorce.ButIcouldnotwatchBennydeterioratelikethisandholdtheline.Ijustcouldn’t.
WhenI’dgonetohisapartmentyesterdayafterworktogethiscat,therehadbeenathree-daynoticetovacateonhisdoor.Hewasn’tpayinghisrent.ThenIgotinside,anditwentfrombadtoworse.
Hisplacehadbeentrashed.Hehadn’tcleanedthelitterboxinweeks,thedishesinthesinkhadmoldonthem,thetreadmillthatheusedtousereligiouslywascoveredinunwashedlaundry.Thecatpracticallydoveintomyarmswhenhesawme,likeIwaspartofalong-awaitedrescuemissionandhewasrelievedIwasfinallytheretosavehim.
Bennywasclinicallydepressed.He’dbeendepressedsinceallthisstartedlastyear,butithadgonefromafunctionaldepression,wherehecouldstillshowerandtakemeds,tothis.Hejustgaveupwhenhiskidneysdid.
IthinkIneededtomovehiminwithme.EitherthatorcallMom.Heneededanadult-ieradulttotakecareofhimrightnow.Hewasgoingtohavetodecidewhichoverbearingwomanhewantedinhislife,becauseonewasabouttobeassignedtohimwhetherhelikeditornot.
I’dgottenhomelastnightandcollapsedintobedandmachine-gunsobbedintomypillowuntilIfellasleep—whichdidn’tlastlongbecauseBenny’scatwokemeup.IttookmeasolidtensecondsofpureterrorbeforeIrealizedIhadacatinmybedroomandnotamurderer.Icouldn’tgobacktosleepafterthat.
Ineededtonotbeatworktoday.Ineededtositaroundmyhousewithoutabra,myhairinaweirdbun,watchingrerunsofSchitt’sCreek.Myeyeswerestillpuffy,andIwasasoftbreezeawayfromlosingitagain—andIgotmyperiod.Igettobleedforaweekwithoutthesweetreleaseofdeath.
IguessforthemomentitwassortofgoodthatIwasn’ttrainingforanewjob—notthatIwasthrilledwithhowthatwholethingwentdownandwhy.ButatleastIdidn’thavetobeatthehospitaleightyhoursaweekwhenIcouldbarelyhandletheforty-eightIwascurrentlyscheduled.
Itwassix-thirtya.m.IwashavingcoffeewithJessicabeforeworktoday.
Ididn’tusedtolikeherverymuch.ShewasgoodfriendswithAlexisatonepoint.TheywereneighborsbeforeAlexismoved.IalwaysfoundJessicaalittletoobitter,butnowthatIwasbittertoo,Iappreciatedherburn-the-patriarchyenergy.
Igottothehospitalcafeteriaandgrabbedatriplecappuccino.Iwishedtherewasvodkainit.
IspottedJessicaatthetableshe’dpickedinthecornerandheadedover,dressedinthebaggyblackzip-uphoodieIworeovermyscrubs.Thehoodwason.ThatcoupledwiththesunglassesIwaswearingovermypuffy,bloodshoteyesmademelooklikeIwasabouttodropthehottesthip-hopalbumoftheyear
Jessica,ontheotherhand,lookedgreat.Perfecthairandbrightredlipstickatsix-thirtyinthedamnmorning.ShewasanOB-GYN.Shewasforty-six,perfectlyputtogetheratalltimes,andI’dneverseenhersmile.Like,ever.Shewasmarriedtosomebiglawyerorsomething,butshehatedhim,whichdidn’tsurprisemebecauseshehatedeveryone.Itwascurrentlymyfavoritethingabouther.
WhenIdroppedintothechairacrossfromherlikeahumanbeanbag,shewaslookingatherphone.“Andwhathappenedtoyou?”shesaidwithoutlookingup,hertonebored.
“Whywouldyouthinksomethinghappenedtome.”
Shesetherphonedownandlookedatmelikeaparenttalkingtoapetulantteenager.“You’rewearingsunglassesindoors.”
“MaybeIhavepinkeye.”
Shewaited.
Itossedmybagonthefloornexttomewithathunk.“Benny’snotdoinggreat.Andmydivorceisfinalintwoweeks.”
“Good,”shesaiddryly.“Freeatlast.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Freetodowhat?Date?Haveloadsofsexwithhotsingles?Haveyouseenitoutthere?”Ileanedforward.“AndbelievemewhenItellyouthatmystandardsarelow.Thebarhascomewaaaaaydown.AtthispointI’dsettleforaguysimplybecausehehasapenis,morethanonetowel,andnoflagshangingonhiswalls.Imean,dotheyactuallyexpectustohavesexwiththemonafutonintheirmom’sbasement?Like,actually?”
“Yes,”shesaidflatly.“Thatisexactlywhattheyexpect.”
Isatbackheavilyinmyseat.“I’mbeginningtothinkmenarenotsendingustheirbestpeople.”
Shescoffed,whichwasJessica’sversionoflaughing.“AlltheydoislieandthrowoffyourPHbalance.Theyareaconstantreminderthatwedon’tchooseoursexuality,becausewhointheirrightmindwouldchoosetobeattractedtomen.Theyarecompletelyworthlessaspartners.Didyouknowthatwhenawifebecomesseriouslyill,sheissixtimesmorelikelytobeabandonedbyherspousethanahusbandis?”
Istaredather.“Areyouserious?”
Shetookoutacompactandcheckedherteeth.“Andtheolderthewoman,thehighertherateofabandonment.Ihearthere’sasayingupinoncology.Whenthewifegetssick,thehusbandgetsanewwife.”Sheclickedthemirrorclosedandgavemeapursed-lipcan-you-believe-this-shitlook.
Iblinkedatherinhorror.“Thatisdisgusting.”
“Yes,itis.”Sheagreed.“Butremember,youcan’tspelldisappointmentwithoutmen,”shesang.
Ilaughedalittletoomanicallybeforeputtingmyforeheadintomyhand.“That’sit,”Imumbled.“I’mgivingup.IshouldjustacceptthatI’mneverhavingsexagain.I’mcancelingmybikini-waxappointments.Justgonnalettheforestreclaimtheland,succumbtomyinnerswampwitch.”
Isqueezedmyeyesshutfrombehindmyglasses.“IfeellikeifIdied,itwouldtakemeasolidtwenty-fourhourstorealizeI’minhell.”
ThenIgroaned,remembering.“Andthenthere’sthisassholeI’mworkingwith,thisnewguyIcan’tstand—”
“Oh?Who?”sheasked,lookingbackatherphone,onlysoundingmildlyinterested.
“Dr.Maddox.”Imadeaface.
Shepausedandlookedupatmeoverherscreen.“JacobMaddox?”
Irubbedmyforeheadtiredly.“Yeah.Youknowhim?”
“Wonderfulman,”shesaidmatter-of-factly.
Ifrozeandblinkedather.“I’msorry—what?”
Herbeeperstartedgoingoff.“Iknowhismother,”shesaid,lookingatherpager.“I’veknownthewholefamilyforyears.IhaveanemergencyC-section,Ineedtorun.”Shegotup.
“Wait.Areyousurewe’retalkingaboutthesameJacob?”Isaid,watchinghergrabherbag.“Brownreddishhair?Sortofyeahigh—”
“HewasheadofemergencymedicineatMemorialWest.He’sanexcellenthumanbeing.”
Istaredather.Anexcellent—“Nobodylikeshim!”
Sheflungherbagoverhershoulder.“Well,they’rewrong.Drinkslater?”
“Ican’t.But—”
“Textmewhenyou’refree.”
ShegrabbedhercoffeeandIwatchedherwalkoff,highheelsclicking.Shedroppedthecupintoatrashcan,turnedacorner,anddisappeared.
Isatthereblinkingafterherfrombehindmyglasses.
Whatthehellwasthatabout?
Shedidn’tsayanythingniceaboutanyone,letalonemen.Anexcellenthumanbeing?Gross.
Whatever.
Iwastooexhaustedtoeventhinkonthis.IhadtobroachtheMom/move-insubjectwithBennytoday.Thenifhesaidyes,Ihadtoactuallymovehimin,whichIdoubtedhe’dbeabletohelpwithinhisstate.Ididn’thavetimetoponderthebenevolenceofwhat’s-his-face.
Ifinishedmycoffeealoneandthenwenttothelockerroomtogetridofthehoodieandglassesandchangemytampon.Ifeltsurlyandextragrouchy,sowhenIgottotheERandsawGloriastandingbyapatientroomwithHector,peekingthroughacrackinthecurtain,Icameupbehindthemlikeacrankyoldwomangettingreadytochasepeopleoffherlawn.“Whatareyoudoing?”Igrumbled.
“Shhhhhh,”Gloriawhispered.“We’rewatching.”
“Watchingwhat?”Isaid,strainingtolookaroundthemthroughtheslidingglassdoor.
“Dr.Maddox,”shewhispered.
Igroaned.“OhGod,whathashedonenow?”
Ihadn’tseenhimforafewdayssincethesupplyclosetGoFuckYourself.Ithinkhewasavoidingme.
Good.
Hectordidn’tlookawayfromthewindow.“Thislittlegirlcameinwithadogbiteandhe’ssewingupherdoll.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“He’swhat?”
“Yeah.Iwasjustinthere.Iguessthedogtoreherdollandshewasallfreakingoutandcrying,andDr.Maddoxgoesinthereandstartstalkingallsofttoherlike,‘Mija,let’stakecareofyourbaby,okay?’Andthenhegetshissuturekitandstartsworkingonthedoll,whilehisresidentstartedthekid’sstitches,soshewouldn’tnoticeit.Diosmío,Ihaveneverseenanythingsosweet.”HeturnedtoGloria.“Doyouthinkhe’ssingle?”
“Yeah,”shesaid.“Ialsothinkhe’sstraight.”
Hectorshookhishead.“No.Noway.IseenhimattheCockpit.”
“Where?”sheasked.
Heleanedtolookaroundherintotheroom.“Agaybarinuptown.Itwasdefinitelyhim.Ineverforgetajawlinelikethat.”
“Justbecausehewasatagaybardoesn’tmeanhe’sgay,”shesaid.“IheardheusedtodatesomedoctoratMemorialWest.Awoman,”sheadded.Shenoddedatme.“Comelook.”ShesteppedasidesoIcouldpeerintothecrackinthecurtain.
IcouldseeDr.Maddox,thepatient’smom,asecond-yearresident,andJocelynintheroom.Dr.Maddoxhadhisbacktous,sittingnexttothegurney.Hisscrubswerehikedupandhewaswearingcolorfulsocksagain,thoughIcouldn’tmakeoutthedesignfromhere.
Hehadthedollonatable,andhewasstitchingherup.Thelittlegirlcouldn’thavebeenmorethanfourorfive.Shewasn’tcrying,shewasdistracted.Heseemedtobetellingherastoryasheworkedbecauseshegiggled.EvenJocelynsmiled,andshewasoneofhisearliestandmostdedicatedhaters.
“Well,I’llbedamned,”Imuttered.“He’snotSatanafterall.”
“Whatareyouguysdoing?”
Wejumpedatthevoice.Zanderwascomingtowardusfromthedoubledoors.
“Hey.Nothing,”Isaid,puttingmybacktotheglass.“Justwatchingaprocedure.”
GloriaandHectortookthisastheirmomenttoexitandleft.
“What’sup?”Iasked.
“Icamedowntotellyou,I’mreleasingBennytoday.Helooksgood.Readytogo.”
Iimmediatelyperkedup.“Great!”
“Sowhoareyouwatching?”Hepeeredaroundmeintotheroom.“Oh,Jacob.”Hegrinnedwhenhesawwhathewasdoing.“Thatsonofabitch,lookathiminthere.Ialwaysdidlikehisbedsidemanner.”
Icockedmyhead.“Youknowhim?”
Henodded.“Yeah.Wewereroommatesforyears.Oneofmybestfriends.Greatguy.”
Imadeaface.
Heeyedme.“What?”
“No,it’sjustIkeephearingthattoday,butnobodyherelikeshimmuch.”
Hedrewhisbrowsdown.“Jacob?”
“Yeah.He’skindofadick.”
Zanderbarkedoutalaughsolouditsurprisedme.“Jacobisnotadick.Thatguy’sthenicestdudeyou’llevermeet,trustme.He’dgiveyoutheshirtoffhisback.”
“Jacob,”Ideadpanned,crossingmyarms.“He’stotallyrude.”
“Ifhe’scomingoffthatway,he’sprobablyjustnervous.He’sanintrovert,kindofshy.”Helookedathiswatch.“Look,Igottarun.”Hestartedjoggingbackward.“Hey,benicetohim,yeah?He’soneofthegoodones.”Heturnedandjoggedtherestofthewaytothedoubledoors.
Igawkedafterhim.Oneofthegoodones?
I’dknownZanderforyears.Inotonlyrespectedhimasadoctor,butIalsotrustedhisjudgmentingeneral.Ididn’tthinkhe’dsaythataboutanyoneunlesshebelieveditwastrue.Imeanitwasn’ttrue,Jacobwasdefinitelyanass.AndhewasincahootswithGibsonforthechiefposition,whichIwasstillpissedabout.ButIdidbelievethatZanderbelievedJacobwasaniceguy.
AndJessicaalsobelievedJacobwasaniceguy…
Gibsonmustlikehimtoo.
Huh.
Ilookedbackthroughtheglass.Jacobwasfinishingthedoll.Hewiggleditinfrontofthelittlegirlandthenboppedhergentlyonthenosewithitbeforehandingittoher.Sheclutcheditandbeamed.
Ifeltmyfacesoften.
Imean,hehadbroughtmethatwarmwashcloththatdayinthesupplycloset.Hecouldhavejusttakenoff,especiallyafterIsnappedathiminBenny’sroom.AndIneverreallyapologizedforrunningintohimthatdayeither.Nowhewasoverheresavingdollsfromcertaindeath…Iguesshewasn’tallbad.
Ichewedonmylip.
IfJacobwasshy,losingallhispatientsonhisfirstdayandthenpissingofftheentirenursingstaffwouldn’thelpmatters.Noonereallygavehimashotafterthat.Ifhereallywas“oneofthegoodones,”likeZandersaid,thatkindofmademefeelbad,likeitwashisfirstweekatanewschoolandIwasoneofthemeangirls.
MaybeIwasoneofthemeangirls.
IwassocrabbylatelyIwasprobablyshorterwithhimthanIwouldhavebeenifmylifewasn’tadumpsterfire.
Bennywasanintroverttoo.Hehadareallyhardtimeinschool…
Throughthesliverinthecurtain,IsawJacobgetupandIstartedforthenurses’station,butIonlygotafewfeetbeforeIletoutagroanandturnedbackaround.
Amomentlater,whenthedoortoJacob’sroomslidopen,Iwaswaitingoutside.Isteppedinfrontofhimwithmyarmscrossed.“Hey,”Isaidflatly.
Hefrozewithhishandonthedoor.“Hello,”hesaid,lookinglikeadeerinheadlights.
“Bringthemdesserts.”
Heblinkedatme.“What?”
“Youshouldhavebroughtthenursesdonutsonyourfirstday.Youshowedupempty-handed,thatwasyourfirstmistake.Cupcakesmightsaveyou,butnotthecheapstuff.NadiaCakes,twodozen,getaketooneforGloria,atleastfourgluten-freeones,andonevegan.Hectordoesn’tdoanimalby-products.BonuspointsifyougetadoggiecupcakeforAngelica’snewpuppy.”
Hestaredatme,andIturnedandwalkedaway.
There.IwasnicetohimlikeZanderhadasked.Igavehimthetoolstodighimselfoutofhisnosedivewithhisteam.Whetherhechosetotakemyadvicewasonhim.Myconsciencewasclear.Iwasnolongerameangirl.
“Hey,”hecalledafterme.
Iletoutalongbreathandturnedbackaround.“What?”
Hestoodtherewiththisearnest,hat-in-hand,puppy-doglookthatmadeithardtokeepmyflatexpression.Iregisteredagain,almosttomyownannoyance,thathewascute.
Hehadthissuper-sexy,strong-quiet-typethingabouthim.Deep,gentlebrowneyes,asquarejawwithjustenoughscrufftolookalittleruggedbutstillputtogether.Hewasmaybefive-nine,five-ten,tomyfive-four.Mid-thirties,inshape.Hishandswereplungedintothepocketsofhisblackscrubsandhehadveinsrunningdownhistonedarmslovedwell-hydratedveins.
Ishookitoff.Washehot?Yes.Fine.Doesn’tmatter.Superannoying,though.
“Yeah?”Isaidimpatiently.
“Whataboutyou?”heasked.“Whatkindofcupcakedoyoulike?”
“Redvelvet,andIdon’twantone,”Isaid,turningbackaround.
Ididn’twantanythingfromhimChapter6
Jacob
Aftermyshift,IstoppedanddidthesecondroundoflabsZanderhadordered.ThenIcalledinthecupcakesBrianatoldmetogetforthenursessothey’dbereadyinthreedayswhenIwentbacktowork.
Ididn’tknowwhyshewashelpingme.Itclearlypainedhertodoit.DidGibsonsaysomethingtoher?Ihopednot.Ididn’tneedsomeinterventionfromthebossonmybehalf,someforcedPlayNice.
IwalkedLieutenantDanandgotsomethingonGrubhub.Ihaddinner,tookashower,andhadjustsatdowntojournalinmyplantroomwhenmyphonerang.
Mom.
Ididn’tanswerit.I’dbeenignoringeveryone’scallsandtextssincethephonecalllastweek.Iknewwhattheywanted—toknowaboutmygirlfriend.Ihadnoideawhattodoaboutit.
Icontemplateddraggingiton.Makingexcusesforwhyshecouldnevermakeittoanythingandtheneventuallysayingwebrokeup.MaybeIcouldsuspendtheirdisbeliefrightupuntilthewedding—whichIwouldthenshowuptoalone,foreveryonetolookatwithpityasthenewlysingleagain,twice-jilted,brokenheartedexofthebride.
MaybeIshouldjustcomeclean.Orattheveryleastendthecharadeand“breakup”withhernow.
Itwasonethingtokeepitvague.SayI’mseeingsomeoneandleaveitatthat.Butthedetailsbotheredme.Ididn’tlikelookingmyfamilyintheeyeandgivingthemsomemade-upnameandmade-upbackgroundforamade-upwomanwhodidn’texist.Itfeltwrong,evenifmyintentionsweregood.AndIjustdidn’tknowhowtogetaroundthis.Frankly,IwassurprisednobodypressedmeharderforhernamewhenI’dtoldthemthenews.Atthetime,Ithinkthey’dbeentooshockedtodigformoreinfo—buttheyweredefinitelyreadytodignow.EvenWalterhadcalledme.
Mom’scallended.Thenatextpingedthrough.
Mom:Jacob,willyoubehavingaplus-oneonthenineteenth?Ihavetoknowhowmanycutletstomake.
Andthenamomentlater:
Ping.
Mom:Nevermind,I’lljustmakemypestopasta.There’llbeplenty.Unlessshe’sallergictonuts?Issheallergictonuts?
Ipinchedthebridgeofmynose.Idon’tknow,Jacob.Isyourimaginarygirlfriendallergictonuts?
God.
HowwasIgoingtodothiswhenIhadallofthempeckingatmeinperson?
ThenIrememberedthateventhemostunrelentinginterrogationwouldbebetterthanthealternative—everyonewatchingtoseeifIwasunraveling,everyoneblamingJeremiahandAmy.Icouldfeelthetensionofthatinevitablesituationbearingdownonmelikeradiantheat.
Ijustwantedtobeinvisible.IwishedIcouldwipeeveryone’sbrainsandhavethemforgetthatAmyandIhadeverbeenathing.
Hell,IwishedIcouldforgetAmyandIhadeverbeenathing.
LieutenantDangotupfromhisspotbymyfeetandputhisbigheadinmylap.Healwaysknewwhenmyanxietywashigh.
LieutenantDanwasathree-leggedtwo-year-oldBernesemountaindog.HewasalsooneofthemanyreasonswhyIwasn’tinterestedinachiefpositionatRoyaumeNorthwestern.WhenAmyandIsharedhim,hewasneverhomealoneformorethanafewhours,evenifIwasworkingmyeighty-hourweek.Butnowhejusthadme.Iwasn’tinterestedinneverbeinghomeanymore.Ilikedbeinghome.Thesedays,homewastheonlyplaceIfelttruepeace.
Especiallynowthateveryoneatworkhatedme.
Isatbackinmychairinmyplantroomandstaredwearilyintothesucculents.Ihopedthecupcakeshelped.Ididn’tseehowtheycould.Thesituationfeltwellbeyondbakedgoodstome.
Ilookedbackdownatmyjournal.Journalingcenteredme,mademefeelcalmer.ItwasoneoftheskillsI’dlearnedintherapy,andithelpedmeworkthroughtheeventsofthedayandsubsequentemotionswhenItransferredthemontopaper.ButintheendIdidn’tjournal.
IwrotealettertoBrianaOrtiz.Chapter7
Briana
YoumoveinwithmeorIcallinMom.”
Itwassevenp.m.andIwasdrivingadischargedBennyhomefromthehospitalaftermyshift.
Helookedatme,horrified,fromthepassengerseat.“Whyareyoupunishingme?Isn’tmylifeshittyenough?”
“I’mnotdoingthistopunishyou,”Isaid.“Youneedhelprightnow,andIcan’tbeoveratyourplacecleaningforyouandmakingsureyou’retakingyourmedications.You’renotpayingyourrentandyoujustputyourselfinthehospital.You’reskippingdialysis.You’renotevenshowering.”
Heleanedhisforeheadonthecarwindow.Helookedsofrailandexhausted.Sodifferentfromthehealthy,fit,virilemanhewasjusteighteenmonthsago,beforethisnightmarestartedforbothofus.
Youknowwhat?MaybeMomdidneedtotapin.Ididn’tknowifIhadthementalandemotionalfortitudetotakecareofhimandme.ButthenIwasn’tsureIhadthementalandemotionalfortitudetodealwithhereither.Callingherwasdefinitelythenuclearoption,andIdidnottakeitlightly.
WhenthelidblewofftheNickthinglastyear,MomhadflowninfromArizona,whereshe’dretiredwithherhusband,Gil,andmotheredmetowithinaninchofmylife.I’dhadtocallGiltophysicallyretrieveherwhenshewasn’tshowinganysignsofleavingwhentheone-monthmarkhit.Sheneverstoppedcooking.Notforasecond.Shefilledmyentirefreezer,thenboughtadeepfreezerforthegarageandfilledthattoo.Thedaysheleft,shecookedhotdogs,puttheminbuns,andwrappedtheminfoilinthefridgelikeIcouldn’tfigureouthowtoassemblethemonceshewasgone.Iwasstilleatingtheleftoversayearlater.Itwouldbefull-chaoticMomenergyifIsummonedherhome.
Iturnedontothefreeway.“It’sMomormyplace,”Isaid.
“Idon’twanttogiveupmyapartment,”Bennysaidtiredly.
“Iknow,”Isaid,mergingintotheleftlane.“Butyourapartmentlookslikeshit.You’rebarelytakingcareofthecat.Justmoveinwithme.It’sonlyforalittlewhile.Youcanhaveyouroldroom.Youcanhavemyoldroom,it’sbigger,”Isaid,tryingtosellit.
Hepausedbeforereplyinglikeitwaswearinghimoutjusttoconjuresentences.“Idon’twanttomessupyourdatingthing,”hemumbled.
“There’snothingtomessup.I’mlikethemostsinglepersonyou’veevermet.Youseriouslywouldn’tbecrampinganyofmystylemovingin.Ihavenothinggoingonrightnow.”
Hedidn’treplyandIglancedathim.“Thisisonlytemporary,Benny.You’llgetatransplantandyou’llgetyourlifeback.”
Hestayedsilentforalongmoment.“I’mgoingtobedealingwiththisfortherestofmylife,”hesaidquietly.
“Itwon’talwaysbethisbad.Onceyougetakidney—”
“Iwon’t.YouknowIwon’t.Youjustdon’twanttoadmitit.”
NowIwentquiet.Ididn’tknowwhatwasbetter.Tryingtokeephishopesupormanaginghisexpectations.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Solet’ssayyoudon’tgetoneandthisisjustyourlifenow—itcanstillbeagoodlife.Itcanbeagreatlife.Whydon’twegetyouahomedialysismachine?YoucandoitatnightwhileyouwatchTV.Youonlyneedtodoitfortwohoursifyoudoiteveryday.”
Therewasnoreplyagain,soIhadtolookoverathim.
“Icandoitfromhome?”heaskedtentatively.
“Yeah,totally.Youhaveadoctorforasister.Youcan’tdoitwhenyou’relivingalone,butifyoumoveinwithme,I’llbetheretosterilizetheequipment,monitoryourvitals.”
Helookedslightlyifnothesitantlyoptimistic.
“Andifyoudodailydialysisinsteadofthreetimesaweek,youcanhaverestrictedfoodssincethefluidwon’tbuildup.”
Hesatup.“Icanhaveicecream?”
Inodded.“Yup.Wemightevenbeabletogetyouoffsomeofthemedswiththemorefrequentdialysis.You’llfeelbetter,you’llhavemoreenergy…”
IthinkthiswasthefirsttimeIsawhimsmileinmonths.Well,hesortofsmiled.Itwasmoreofaneutralfrownonthecuspofasmile—butstill,itwasprogress.
“Benny,youcandothis.Youjustneedtogetadjusted.Icanhelpyou.”
Pleaseletmehelpyou.
Thesilencehoveredbetweenus.
“Okay,”hesaidfinally.
“Okay?You’llmovein?”
“Yeah.Iguess.”
Iletoutabreath.Ifeltsimultaneouslyrelievedandsad.RelievedthatI’dbeabletotakecareofhim,thatIwouldn’tgetanymoresurpriseERvisits,thathimbeingwithmewouldgivehimabetterqualityoflife.Andsadthatacertainchapterwasending—forbothofus.Becausebothofourliveshadofficiallycometoanabruptstop.Wewereadults,regressing.
Itwasliketheclockhadjustwoundbacktwentyyears.SuddenlyIwasn’tgrown-up,thirty-five-year-oldmarriedBrianaanymore.Hewasn’tbright,drivenBenjaminworkinginIT,trainingfora5K.Iwastheoldersisteragain,inchargeofwatchingabrace-facedBennywhileMomtooknightclassesandworkedadouble.AndIwasgoingtohavetowatchhim.BecauseIdidn’ttrusthimwithhimself.
Igothimhometohisapartmentandmadehimdinner.Hebarelytoucheditandwentstraighttobed.Idrovehomeafterstartingaloadofdishesandwateringhiswiltingplantsthatstilllookedtwiceasaliveasmybrotherdid.
IwassomentallydrainedbythetimeIgotbacktothehouseIjustploppedonthesofawrappedinablanketandpassedoutthereuntilthecatunceremoniouslywalkedacrossmybodyattwoa.m.ThenIdraggedmyselftomyroomandstaredattheceilinginthedark,unabletogobacktosleep.
IwasgettingfurtherandfurtherawayfromthemeI’dplanned.OfthelifeIhadplanned.
Intwoweeks,I’dnolongerbemarried.Iwould,fromthisdayforward,bealone.
Iwasneverdoingthisrelationshipstuffagain.Anyofit.
I’dalwaystoldmyselfthatwhathappenedtoMomwithDadwasisolated.Thatmostmendidn’twalkoutontheirpregnantwifeandeight-year-olddaughter,leavingthemhomelessanddestitute.Ibelievedinlove.AndwhenImetNick,I’dbelievedI’dfoundtheone.Iwasalmostsnideaboutit.See?Therearegoodmenoutthere.Iknewlots.Zander,Gibson,Benny—andnowI’dfoundonetobetheloveofmylifetoo.
Buthavingmenasfriendsandpeersandfamilyisverydifferentthanhavingthemaspartners.
EverythingMomhadtoldmemywholelifeaboutbeinginrelationshipswithmenturnedouttobetrue:Theycan’tbetrusted.Theycan’tbereliedupon.Menwillalwayshurtyouandleaveyouandletyoudown.
WhatDaddidcutevendeepernow,becausehe’dgivenhissonhisrarebloodtypebutdidn’tbothertostickaroundtogivehimakidneywhenheneededone.Thebitternesstwistedinmygutlikeaknife.
Iwasdone.Donewithmen.
FromnowonI’dusethemthewaytheyusedwomen.Forentertainment.Forsex.Forconvenience.IwouldneverlivewithamanIwasdatingandI’dsureashellnevergetmarriedagain.Ever.Andkids?No.NotifitmeantI’dbeattachedtotheirfatherfortherestofmylife.
Iwassodisgusted,soseverelydisappointedbywhatNickandDadendedupbeing.Anditwasreinforceddaily,witheverybatteredwomanwhocameintomyERandeveryidiotImetonTinder.Itdidn’tevensurprisemethatIcouldn’tevenfindonedecentenoughforcasualsex.Theonlyonesonthedatingappswhoseemedtohavetheirshittogetheralwaysturnedouttobemarried,whichonlyfurtherconfirmedmyopinionofdatingmeningeneral.
Jessicawasright.Iwasbetteroffwiththecat.
ForthenextthreedaysIpackedBenny’sapartmentandmovedhimin.Hisbestfriends,JustinandBrad,cametohelpwiththeheavylifting.TheysetupBenny’streadmillintheden,puthisfurnitureinstorage,andgothimsituated.Havinghisfriendsoveratleastgothimtoshowerandputoncleanclothes,sothatwasnice.
Imadearrangementsforahomedialysismachinetobedelivered.IspentafulldaywashingthetrashbagsofdirtyclothesI’dpackedupfromhisapartmentwhilehedepression-slept.ThenIspentfiveminutesholdingacoldcupofcoffeeandstaringmoroselyatthegianthideouscat-scratchingthingythatnowlivedinmylivingroomnexttotheequallyhideouspinkfloralsofathatMomboughtin1994.
IcurrentlylivedinthehouseIgrewupin.
WhenMommarriedGil,sherefusedtogiveupherhouse.EvenwhenheretiredandtheymovedtoArizona,shestillwouldn’tsellit.Momsaid,withmenyoualwaysneedafail-safe.Toneverputallyoureggsintheirbasket.
LookslikeonceagainMomwasright.WhenIleftNick,atleastIhadsomeplacetogo.
I’dneverdecoratedMom’shousewhenImovedin.Ididn’treallyplanonstillbeinghereayearlater,anddecoratingitmademysituationfeelpermanent.SoIjustlivedhereinthefadedremnantsofmychildhood.Thewholeplacelookedlikeatimecapsulefromthe1970s.Macraméwallart,oakcabinetsandbrasshardware,brownshagcarpet,peelinglinoleuminthekitchen.Itwasdepressing.Andnowtherewasacattreethesizeofarealtreeinheretoo.
WhydidIlivelikethis?
Icouldaffordanapartment.Icouldaffordahouse.ButIfeltparalyzedbytheideaofit.LikeI’dhadjustenoughstrengthtoleavethehomeI’dmadewithNick,butnotenoughtomakeanewoneformyself.SoIjustsquattedherelikeacastawaytrappedonadesertedisland.
Maybeapartofmewasafraidtoleavetheisland.Becausethenthiswasallreal.
ItookanextradayoffworktofinishmovingBennyin.BythetimeIwentbacktothehospitalonWednesday,Iwasazombie.Ifelttotallynumb.LiketheNickthingandtheBennythingandthehousethingwereahorriblethird-degreeburn,soseverethenerveendingsweregoneandIcouldfeelnothing.
Itoccurredtomethatthiswastheworsttimeofmyentirelife.
Imean,whenNickcheated,yeah,thatwasbad.ButatleastBennystillhadhiskidneysthen.AtleastIstillhadAlexisnearby.Ihadhope
NowIhadadialysismachinegettingdeliveredinafewdays,Bennywastingawaymentallyinabeddownthehall,andalitterboxinmylaundryroomthatonlyIwasgoingtoclean.MybestfriendwastwohoursawayandtoobusywithhernewlifetobethediversionIneededtonotthinkaboutallthis.
Therewasnothingformetolookforwardto.Eventhechiefpositionwasatastandstill.Ihadnodatingprospects.Nojoyinmylife.Notasingledistraction.Ihadn’thadsexinayear.Iwasjustgettingolder.Headinginthewrongdirectionineveryway,mylifecrumblingaroundme.
AndIwasbored.
Thatwastheworstthingofall.Theboredom.Themonotonyofmyuneventful,unremarkable,depressingfuckinglife
IfBennywasn’tafactor,I’ddoDoctorsWithoutBordersorsomething,walktheearth.WhatwasthepointofbeinginMinnesota?Itwascoldhere,everythingremindedmeofNick,or,worse,Kelly.Iwasalone.Ididn’tevenreallywantthechiefpositionifIwasbeinghonestwithmyself.ItjustseemedlikesomethingeveryoneexpectedofmeafterAlexisleft,andIfiguredwhynot,whatthehellelsewasIdoing?AtleastI’dbebuildingmyrésumé.
Thiswasn’tthelifeIwanted.AndIdidn’tknowhowtochangeit.Itwasquicksand.
Jocelynwasatthenurses’stationwhenIcameontothefloorclutchingatriplecappuccinoandfeelingastiredasIlooked.IhadnoideahowIwasgoingtomakeitthroughtheday.
“Hey,someoneleftsomethingforyou.”Shenoddedtoaspotbehindthecounter.
Ileanedoverwearilytolook.Therewasajumbo-sizedredvelvetcupcakewithanenvelopetapedtothecontainerwithmynamewrittenonit.
Ismiledforthefirsttimeindays.Alexis?
“Who’sitfrom?”Iasked.
“Don’tknow.ItwasherewhenIgothereyesterday.”Shetappedapenonthecounterandeyedme.“Hey,youokay?Youcalledout.”
“Fine,”Isaid,leaningdowntopickupthecard.Isetmycoffeeonthecounterandslidafingerunderthesealontheenvelope.
Itwasaletter.Alongletter.Handwritten.
FromDr.Maddox
Iblinkedatit.Dr.Maddox?Why?
Ilookedaround,likehemightbesomewherewatching.Ididn’tseehim.
“Who’sitfrom?”sheasked.
“Nobody.I’llberightback.”
Igrabbedthecupcakecontainerandhurriedtothesupplycloset.Ishutthedoorbehindme,satonmytoilet-paperbox,andpulledtheletterfromtheenvelope.Itwasinblackfountainpen,clearandcarefulwriting.
Briana,
Isometimesfindthatjournalinghelpsmeorganizemythoughts.Iseemtobehavingahardtimesayinganddoingtherightthingsrecently,soIfiguredwritingthisdownmightbebest.
Iwantedtothankyouforthecupcakesuggestion.
Youarelikelyunawareofthis,butIdealwithsomesocialanxiety.It’sworsewhenI’minanewsituationwithpeopleIdon’tknow.Interactiondoesn’tcomenaturallytomeinthosecircumstancesandIstruggle.WhenImakemistakes,likeI’vedoneoftensinceIgothere,itmakesmemoreuncomfortableandmyanxietygetsworse.Igetmorenervous,andthatmakesmemorewithdrawn.It’sabitofaself-perpetuatingcycle.Soyourhelpwasdeeplyappreciated,eventhoughIknowyoudidn’thaveanyreasontogiveit.
ThereareafewthingsIwanttoaddress.
YoumentionedthatDr.GibsonwasholdingoffthevoteforheadofemergencymedicineinhopesthatImightbeupfortheposition.Ihavenointerestinthisjob,nordidIconveyanysuchthingtoDr.Gibsonuponmyarrival.Iwasunawarehewasmakingthisdecision,andIhavetoldhimIdonotintendtorun.I’msorryifyoufeltthatthedelayedvotewasdoneonmybehalf.Iwasnotapartofit.
TheotherdaywhenIcametoyourbrother’shospitalroomIdidn’tmentionthatyoubrokemyphone.Iwasfrustratedandshouldhavepickedabettertimetobringupyourunningintomeinthehallway.Butagain,myanxietysometimesmakesithardformetogaugesocialcues,andIdon’talwaysexpressmyselfthewayIhopeto.Itwaspoorjudgmentonmypart,andIapologize.
Lastly,inthesupplycloset,whenIsaidthatyourbrothercouldliveondialysis—mymomhadchronickidneydiseasewhenIwasateenager.Shereceivedakidneytransplantbeforesherequireddialysis,butthatperiodofmylifewasaterrifyingtime.Irememberfeelingcomfortedbytheknowledgethatifherkidneysfailedbeforeshegotadonorthatatleastdialysiswouldkeepheralive.Itwasn’tlikelosingyourlungsoryourheart.Shewouldhavetime.Shewouldhavedecadesifsheneededit
ImeantwhatIsaidtobereassuring,butIdidn’tconsiderhowinsensitiveitwouldcomeoffwithoutcontext.Iinnowaymeanttominimizewhatwashappeningtoyourbrotherorinvalidatewhathastobeatraumaticandlife-alteringdiagnosis.
Ifanyofmymistakeshavebroughtyoustressorunhappiness,pleaseacceptmydeepestapologies.Itwasunintentional.
Again,thankyou.
Sincerely,
Jacob
Isetthepaperdownonmyknees.
Wow.Iwasanasshole.IfeltHORRIBLE.
Isawsomuchofthelastfewweeksdifferentlynow.Ishouldhavedonemoretowelcomehimhere.Ishouldhavegivenhimthebenefitofthedoubtorattheveryleastnotbeensucharagingbitch.
Ilookedbackattheletterrestingonmythighs.
Idon’tthinkanyonehadeverwrittenmealetterbefore.Itwasshockinglyeffective.Waybetterthantextoremail,likeithadadifferentweighttoitorsomething.There’ssomethingaboutholdingthepaperinyourhand,seeingtheinkonthepage,thepressofthepen.Hemadethis.Ittookeffort.Itwasaphysicalact.Hecouldn’teraseitifhemadeamistake,hehadtothinkaboutwhathewasgoingtosaybeforehesaidit—orhesaidexactlywhathewantedtoanddidn’tneedtochangeit.
Ilookedoveratthecupcake.Ididn’tevenwanttoeatit.Ididn’tdeservetoeatit.NadiaCakesdidn’tselljumbosonawalk-inbasis;theywereaspecialorder.Hespecial-orderedthis—forme.Itwasthoughtful.
Itmademefeelathousandtimesworse.
Ihadtogobacktothefloor,butthelettergnawedatmeallday.Ikeptthinkingaboutit,abouthowtorespond—becauseIhadtorespond.Butinthemeantime,IwasgoingtoavoidJacoblikemylifedependedonit,whichwasn’ttoohardbecauseIthinkhewasavoidingmetoo—andwhywouldn’the?IwastheWickedWitchoftheER.
Imaginebeingthereasonwhysomeonehatedtheirnewjob.Thatwasme.Iwasthereason.
OnmylunchbreakIslippedintothesupplyclosetwithsomepaperItookoutoftheprinterandwrotehimback.Chapter8
Jacob
Therewasanenvelopetapedtomylocker.MyheartstartedtoracebeforeIeventouchedit.
Chancesweregooditwasjustathank-younotefromthenursesforthecupcakes.ChanceswerealsogoodthatthiswasBrianatellingmetogotohell.
Ishouldn’thavewrittenher.
IwantedtocleartheairwithherandtellherIwassorryformycommentaboutherbrother.ButmaybeIshouldhavedoneitinperson.Maybetheformalityofaletterwastoodryforsomethinglikethisandshehadn’ttakenitintheolive-branchspirititwasintended.
Maybethisenvelopewasmyletterbeingreturnedtomeunread.
IdraggedahanddownmymouthbeforeIpluckeditoffthedoor.Ipulleditoutandflippedtothelastpagetolookforthesignature.
ItwasfromBriana.Mypulsethrummedinmyears.
Ifoldeditbackupwithoutlookingattherestofitandputitintomyduffelbagtoheadhome.
Ifeltlikeeveryonewaswatchingmeonthewayout,liketheyallknewI’dbeengivenaletterandtheyknewwhatwaswaitingformeinthosepages.
Maybetheydid
Maybeshe’dreadittothenursesbeforesheleftitonmylocker.Maybeshe’dreadthemmylettertoo…Maybetheywereallhavingdrinkstogether,laughingaboutitrightnow
Icouldfeeltheenvelopenexttomeinmybaglikeitwasatickingbombabouttogooff.
ThecupcakeI’dgottenherwasgoneattheendofhershift.Didsheeatit?Ordidshejustgiveittosomeoneelse?Or,worse,maybeshethrewitaway…Shesaidshedidn’twantone,somaybeIshouldn’thavegottenherone.Butithadbeenmyexperiencethatmostofthetimewhenpeoplesaytheydon’twantfood,theyactuallydon’tminditwhenitshowsup.
Maybeshejustdidn’twantitfromme
Maybegivingittoheranywaymadeherupset,likeIwasforcingbakedgoodsontoherwhenshe’dexplicitlysaidshedidn’twantthem.Wasthatrudeofme?Presumptuous?
IgothomeandtookLieutenantDanonalongwalk,mostlytodelaytheinevitable.
ForasplitsecondIconsiderednotreadingtheletteratall,whichwasridiculous.IneededtoknowwhereIstood,especiallybecauseIhadtoworkwithher.Butsomethingtoldmethatifthiswentbadly,ifthetoneofthisletterwaswhatIwasafraiditwas,thatwouldbeitforme.Icouldn’tstayatRoyaume.I’djusthavetoacceptthatI’dgottenmyselfintoasituationthatsimplywasn’tsalvageableandmoveon.Quitandgosomewhereelse.
WhenIfinallyforcedmyselftositdownandlookattheletter,itwasalmostteno’clock.Itookadeepbreathandpulleditoutoftheenvelope.Itwastwopages,writteninbluepenonprinterpaper.
DearJacob,
SinceInowknowyouhaveanxiety,Ifiguredwritingyoubackinsteadoftalkingtoyouinpersonwouldbethebestandleaststress-inducingwaytorespond
Iscoffed.OfcourseI’dmanagedtoworkmyselfupanyway.
Idon’twritealotofletters.Myhandalreadyhurts,soI’mgoingtohavetotakelotsofbreaks,butherewego.
Firstofall,ifyouthinkforonesecondthatIcanbeflippedwithcupcakesandhandwrittenapologyletters,thenyouareabsolutelycorrect.Iacceptallyourapologiesandexplanations.Ialsowouldliketoapologize.Ihavebeenawfultoyou.
Awfulwasunderlinedtwice.
So,Iknowthatyoudon’tknowme,butI’mnotusuallylikethis.Iknowpeoplealwayssaystufflikethat,butI’mserious.I’mnotalwayslikethis.I’mnotreallythebestversionofmyselfthesedays.Iknowthisisn’tanexcuse,butI’vebeenhavingaprettycrappyyear,andit’sbeenwearingmedown,andIthinkItooksomeofitoutonyou.ThatwasreallyunfairandI’msorry.Like,Idon’tevenwanttoeatthecupcakeyougavemebecauseIfeellikeIdon’tdeserveit.NadiaCakesistoogoodformerightnow.I’mgoingtoputitinthefreezeruntilI’mapersonkarmicallyworthyofcreamcheesefrosting.
Ican’tbelieveIbrokeyourphone.Iwillabsolutelypayforit.PleaseletmeknowwhatIoweyou.AndI’msorryforthewayImisjudgedyou—buttobefair,Gibsonwasveryunclearaboutthewholechiefthing,soIsortofblamehimforinstigatingthis.ButIamsorry.Ifeelterrible.
I’dliketomakeyouapeaceoffering.Ithinkyouprobablywantwhateveryintrovertwants—tobeinvited,eventhoughyouwon’tcome.Grabbingdrinkswitheveryoneisprobablynotyourideaofagoodtime,butwheneverwegotoMafi’s,I’mgoingtoinviteyouanyway.Thisisgoingtobemywayofmakingthisuptoyou.Knowthatyouarewelcomeandwanted,andifyoueverdodecidetotakemeuponit,IwillsitnexttoyouatthebarandIwon’tforceyoutomakesmalltalkwithmeandIwon’tletdrunkextrovertsanywherenearyou.Thisismysolemnvow.Zerodrunkextroverts.
Ifeltmysmilereachmyeyes.
Pleaseknowthat—okay,seriously?Doyouwriteletterslikethisoften?BecausemyhandHURTS.
Thentherewasawordscratchedout.Therewerealotofwordsscratchedout,actually.IthinkshewasstrugglingwiththelackofaDeletebutton.
Allright,backtoit.Itookafive-minutebreaktodohandstretches.
Ifanyofmymistakeshavebroughtyoustressorunhappiness,pleaseacceptmydeepestapologies.
Regards(I’vealwayswantedtoendaletterwithregards—oh,andtogetonewheresomeonesignsityourstrulyandcallsme“dearest.”It’ssoMr.Darcy),
Bri
P.S.Ineedtogetactualpaper.Ithinklineswouldhavehelped.
Ismiledsoftlyatthesignatureonthepage.
Icouldn’texplaintheliftIfeltinmychest.Forthefirsttimeinweeks,theelectrichumofmyanxietysoftened.Icouldactuallyfeelthealmost-constantflowofcortisolthatI’dbeendealingwithshutoff.Icouldbreatheagain.
LieutenantDanputhisheadinmylapandpeeredupatmelikehesensedtheshiftinmymood.
Ireadtheletterasecondtime.Thenathird.EverytimeIreadit,Ifeltmyselfgettinglighter.
AfterthefourthtimeIreadit,Ipulledoutpaperandgrabbedapen.Chapter9
Briana
ThedayafterIleftmyreplytapedtoJacob’slocker,Ifoundanenvelopewithmynameonitstucktothebacksideofthesupplyclosetdoor.
DearestBriana,
Ilaughed.
Thankyouforyourkindreplyandforofferingtorepairthephone.Ihadinsuranceandthecostwasminimal,sothatwon’tbenecessary,thoughIappreciatetheoffer.Iwillhoweveracceptyourinvitationtobeinvitedandnevercome.Thatsoundslikeanexcellenttime.Ialsoenjoynotansweringcalls,notnetworking,neverleavingthehouse,andhangingoutwithmydog.
I’mgladyouwereabletoforgiveme,andofcourseIforgiveyouaswell.Iunderstandwhatit’sliketogothroughatoughtimeandthestrainthatittakesonyourmentalhealthandpatience.Ithinkyouweregenerousinyourinteractionswithme,allthingsconsidered,andIlookforwardtocontinuingtoworkwithyou.Ihopeyou’renottoohardonyourselfoveritandthatyouthawandeatyourcupcake.
Imustreturntomyisolationnow.Ineedtwentytotwenty-twohoursofalonetimeadaytofunction.
Sincerely,
Jacob
P.S.I’monlypartlykidding.
Ilaughed.ThenIreaditagain.Ilikedsomeonewhocouldpokefunathimself.
Anhourlater,IleftayellowfoldedPost-ittapedtohischartingcomputer.
Youhaveadog?CanIpetitifIpromisenottomakedirecteyecontactwithyouormakesmalltalkwithyouabouttheweather?
–Bri
Anhourlatertherewasafoldednotepapertapedtomychartingcomputer.
DearestBriana,
Yes,youmaypetmydog.ButIshouldprobablymentionthatLieutenantDanlikestalkingabouttheweather,sowhileyoumightnotwanttobringituptome,maybementiontohimwhatacoldspringwe’rehaving?
Doyouhaveanypets?Ilookforwardtoyourreply.
Sincerely,
Jacob
WegotsuperbusyafterthatandIdidn’thavetimetorespondbeforeIgotoff.IstoppedatTargetonthewayhometogetsomenicepaperandabetterpenthanthecheapBicI’dbeenusing,butIdidn’treallyliketheselection,soIGoogledandfoundastationeryplacecalledPaperWaitsCardsanddrovethereinstead.
ForhislettersJacobusedreallyniceheavypaperandthislinen-typeenvelope.Itwasveryfancyanditkindofmademewanttobefancy.
ItwasanicediversiongoingintoastoreI’dneverhadareasontogointo.Itfeltlikeamissionorascavengerhuntorsomething.ItfeltlikeIhadaprojectthatIwasactuallyinto.
Iwentwithpink-linedpaperthathadvintageflowersinthecorners.Thepackagecamewiththreeprints:roses,lilacs,anddaisies.ThatwayIcouldwritehimthreedifferentlettersandthey’dallbeondifferentpaper.
OnceIgotwhatIneededIhurriedhome.Benny’sdialysismachinewasgettingdeliveredtoday.
IttookmetwohourstosetitupandthenalongtrainingsessionwithadialysisnursetomakesureIknewhowtouseit.ThenIhadtohookBennytoitandgetdinnergoing.IwatchedamoviewithhimwhileImonitoredhisvitals,soitwaslatebythetimeIsatdowntowrite.
Thewritingwasreallyrelaxing.Cathartic.
Ilikedhavingsomethingtodo.Chapter10
Jacob
AfterIleftthenoteonBriana’scomputertherewasnothingelsefortheday.Thenextmorning,however,Ifoundanenvelopetapedtomylockeragain.Islippedintoanon-callroomtoreadit.
She’dgottennewpaperandenvelopes.Shesaidshedidn’twriteletters,whichmeantsheprobablygotthemjustforthis.Thethoughtofhermakingthateffortmademesmiletomyself.
Jacob,
LieutenantDan?Lol
Idon’thaveanypets,butmybrotherandhiscathavemovedinwithme,soIsortofhaveacatIguess?HisnameisCooter.He’sreallycute.Mybrotherfoundhimbehindadumpsterbyagasstation,whichI’mtoldiswherethebestcatscomefrom.Bennywasacollegestudentatthetimeandhelivedinahousewithhisbestfriends,BradandJustin,andtheythoughtthenamewashilarious.NowsevenyearslaterIhavetomakepspspspsnoisesinmykitchenandcall,“here,CooterCooter!”whenIneedtofeedhim.
Anyway,I’vebarelyseenhimintheweekthathe’sbeenhere.He’ssortoffreakedoutbeinginthenewplaceandhehides.Ionlyknowhe’salivebecausehedoesthis3:00a.m.zoomythingwherehetearsthroughmyhouseandsomehowgetsinvolvedwiththeblinds?
Icrackedup.
Shewasfunny.IcouldseewhyZanderandGibson—well,everyone—likedher.Iwentbacktoreading.
Okay,sothisisgoingtobesuperrandom,butstickwithme.Ifollowthistravelblogger,VanessaPrice,andshe’salwaysgotthesewildstories.Once,beforeshewasmarriedandherhusbandwenteverywherewithher,shegotlockedinatowerinIrelandbythisearlwhothoughtitwouldbefunny.Shewassooopissed.Iguesstowersarereallydrafty?Lotsofbugs,notasromanticastheysound.HegaveherthisShetlandponyasanapologygiftandshewaslike“thanksforthetinyhorse,dick,Iwantmyfivehoursback.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.
Iwasjustthinking,whatifIsuckedatapologiesandinsteadofgivingyoudrunkextrovertprotection,I’djustgivenyouasmallhorse.Don’tyoufeellucky?
Shedrewawide-eyedsmileyfaceandastickhorseandsigneditwiththeletterB
IreadthisonetwicebeforeIlefttostartmyshift.OnmylunchbreakIgrabbedaspinachwrapandsomepaperandwroteherback.Chapter11
Briana
RightbeforeIleftfortheday,Ifoundanenvelopeinmylocker.
IbrokeintoagrinthesecondIsawit.Itwasalittlelong,andIgotaflutterofanticipationwhenIsawallthepages.
Thiswasfun.Iwasactuallyhavingfun,forthefirsttimeinIcouldn’trememberhowlong.Itooktheletterhomeandcrossedmylegsundermeonthebedandunfoldedthepapers.
DearestBriana,
Whilewe’reonthetopicofinsufficientapologies,astoryforyouifImay.
Ihavethreesisters,Jewel,Jill,andJane.Andyes,myparentsnamedallofuswithJnames.MybrotherisJeremiah,mymomisJoy.Pleasedonotholdanyofthisagainstme.
Jewelisatattooartist.SheownsaparlorinSt.Paul.She’sverygifted
AfewyearsagoIlostabetwithher.IfIlost,Ihadtolethergivemeatattooofherchoosing.
Idon’thaveanytattoos.I’vealwaysbeentooafraidtocommittosomethingsopermanent.ButJewelisamazingatwhatshedoes,soIthoughtshe’dgivemesomethingprofoundlybeautiful,aneverlastingimprintthatI’dcherish.SomethingIneverknewIneededtocarrywithmethroughlife.
Shegavemeatinylawnmoweronmychestnexttoasmallpatchofshavedchesthair.
Icackled
IlaughedsohardIthinkIscaredthecatintheotherroom.
ItwassortofsurprisinghowfunnyJacobwas.Heseemedsouptight.ButthenIrealizedthatitwasprobablytheanxietythatmadehimcomeoffthatway.Ifeltliketherewasalessonhereaboutnotjudgingbooksbytheircoverorsomething…
Ireadon.
Thetattoohassincebeenlaseredoff,whichcostmeeighthundreddollarsandwasquitepainful.Sherefusedtoapologize.Somethingaboutstupidgamesandstupidprizes?
IfJewelhadlost,shehadtoshaveherhead.Sheshavedherheadanyway.She’salwayswantedto,apparently,somylosingwasaforegoneconclusion.IshouldhaveknownafteralifetimeofexperiencethatIamnotcapableofoutsmartingthewomeninmyfamily—whichIsupposewasthelesson.
IthinkIwouldhaveenjoyedthetinyhorse.
Sincerely,
Jacob
Thatwasit.Nomoreletter.
IwasstartingtowishIhadhisnumber—well,IdidandIdidn’t.Partofthefunwastheletterthing.Butthenitwasoversofast.Justacoupleofminutesandthennothingforlikeawholeday.IwonderedifIwouldhavethismuchfuntalkingtohimonthephoneortextinghim.IbetIwould.
Bennywasstillsleeping.Ihadtowakehimupfordinneranddohisdialysis,butIdecidedtowaitsoIcouldwriteJacobbackreallyquick.IfIdidn’tdeliveralettertomorrow,itwouldbelongeruntilIgotonefromhimagain.
IwasaboutmidwaydonewhenBennycamedraggingintothekitchen.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heasked,soundingsooutofitIwonderedifhe’devenunderstandtheanswer.
Helookedlikeasleepwalker.Hewaswearingthesameclothesasyesterday.AgraywrinkledT-shirtandcheckeredpajamabottoms.Heneededtoshave.
I’dknownmovinghimherewasn’tgoingtobeaquickfix,butIwashopinghe’dbedoingalittlebetterbynow.Hewastakinghismedications.Atleasthewasthisweek.I’dbeenhandingthemtohimmyself.AndhewasbackwithhistherapistnowthatIwasheretomakesurehewent.Shesaidhe’dmissedseveralweeksleadinguptohisERvisit,whichexplainedalot.
Hewasn’taloneanymore,andhewasinasafeplace.Iwasdoingalltherightthingsforhim.ButIwantedasignthathewasstillinthere.Thatsomeofthis,anyofthis,wasworking.Evenalittle.
Iclearedmythroatandlookedawayfromhishaggardbody.“I’mwritingaletter.”
Hedroppedintoachairatthekitchencounter.
Isetdownmypen.“Hey,whatdoyouthinkaboutwatchingamovietonight?”
Hedidn’tanswer,juststaredintothekitchen.
“Benny?”
Hedidn’treply.
Ireachedoverandputahandonhiswrist.“Hey,let’sgoforashortwalkafterdialysis.Justaroundtheblock.Yeah?”
Hesqueezedhiseyesshut.“Just…stopnaggingme,”hewhispered.
Ihadtoswallowthelumpthatboltedtomythroat.
TherewasthismotherwhocameintomyERonce.She’driddeninonthesameambulanceashersonafterhemadeasuicideattempt.Weweren’tabletosavehim.
WhenIcameouttotellherthenews,shewasso…resigned.Likeshe’dknownthiswascomingforages.Likeshe’dalreadycriedaboutitandgrievedhimandthisjustmadeitofficial.ShelookedupatmewithbloodshoteyesandsaidinthemostsincerewayI’deverheard,“IdideverythingIcould.”
AnditterrifiedmethatnowIknewwhatthatmeant.
TherewasnothingelseIcoulddoformybrother.Therewasnothingelsetopullfrommyarsenalexceptforpleastogethimupandmoving.Hewasalreadyintherapyandondepressionmeds.Icouldn’tgethimintoaninpatientprogramunlessheagreedtogo,whichhewouldn’t.Hecouldn’tbeforcedunlesshewasadangertoothersorhimself—whichhewasn’t.Ididn’tworrythatBennywasgoingtohurthimself.Notdirectly,anyway.Hewasjustgoingtogiveupontryingtostayalive.
Hedidn’twanttoliveinthisbody.Notbrokenthewayitwas.
Iknewmany,manypatientswithdisabilitiesandchronicillnesseswholivedtheirliveswithdignityandjoyandpurpose.Iknewpeopleinend-stagerenalfailure,justlikeBenny,whodidn’tevenslowdown.Theytookvacationsandraisedtheirfamiliesandhadfunandmadememoriesandplans.Jacobwasrightaboutdialysis.Itwasagift.Itgaveyoutime.AndIhadhopedthatBennywouldgetthere,thathe’daccepthisnewnormalandfindawaytokeeplovinglife.Buthewasn’t.Hewaswithering.Ithadallhappenedtoofastandtakentoomuchfromhim.Hecouldn’tpivot.Andthedialysiswastheconstantreminderthattheworstpossiblethinghadhappened.Everytimehesatdownforit,helostmoreofhimself.Onlyakidneycouldchangethisinanyfastandmeaningfulway.AndIcouldn’tgethimakidney.Icouldn’tevengivehimhope.
“Whoyouwritingto?”heaskedagain,breakingintomythoughts.Histonewasconciliatory.Heprobablyfeltbadforsnappingatme.
Isniffed.“I’mwritingtoafriend.ThatdoctorwhocameintoyourroomthatdayintheER.”
“Ithoughtyoudidn’tlikethatguy.”
Ishrugged.“Ilikehim.He’snice.”
“Areyoutryingtodatehimorsomething?”
“No.We’rejustfriends.”Iputtheletterfacedownandpushedupfrommyseat.“I’mgoingtofillupthetubforyou.”
Hegroaned.“What?Nooo.”
“Yes.I’llgrabsomeclothestochangeintowhenyou’redone.”
Heletoutaresignednoisefromthebackofhisthroat.“Notub.I’lljust…takeashower,”hemuttered.
“Cool.Andshave.Thenwe’llgoforaquickwalkandwatchamoviewhilewedoyourdialysis,”Isaid,tryingtokeepmytonebright.
Hesigheddeeplyandthengotupandwentupstairs.Iwatchedhimgoanddeflatedassoonashewasgone.
Itwashardtobestrongforusboth.Ibarelyhadenoughforme.
Thenextmorning,IlefttheletterpeekingoutfromunderthekeyboardofJacob’schartingcomputerthesecondIgotin.
Jacob,
Okay,butwouldyoureallyenjoythetinyhorse?Really?Imeanwhatdotheyevendo?Youcan’tridethemunlessyou’relikesevenorsomething.They’recute,butit’stotallynotpractical.
It’slikethoselittlepetmonkeysthatwearthediapers.Theyseemsocool,buttheybatheintheirownurineandflingpooandunscrewallyourlightbulbs.
IthinkIknewexactlythemomentthathe’dreadthispartbecauseIheardalaughcomeoutofthesupplycloset.Helikedtotakehisbreaksinthere.
Hey,youdon’thaveagirlfriend,doyou?ItjustoccurredtomeIneveraskedandmeslippinglettersintoyourlockermightnotbeappropriate.I’mnothittingonyou,incaseyouoryourgirlfriendareworried.Ijustwanttobeclearaboutthat.I’msingleandoffthemarket,sonoonecantellmewhocanwritemelettersorwhatkindofexoticpetsI’mallowedtobringhome.Mightgetwildandstartrealizingmydreamofrunningaskunkrehab.They’resupposedtobegoodtocuddleoncetheirscentglandsareremoved.
I’dsigneditwithaterribledrawingofaskunk.
IfiguredIshouldmakeitclearthatnoneofthisback-and-forthwasinanythingotherthanthespiritoffriendship,justincasehethoughtIwasflirting.
Ididn’tdatemenIworkedwith.Thatwasapersonalruleforme—evenifhewasexceptionallyattractive.Maybeespeciallybecausehewasexceptionallyattractive…
Hispersonalityreallytookitupanotch.
Bylunch,Ihadaletteronmychartingcomputer.Itwasonthestationeryheusedwhenhewrotefromhome,whichmeanthebroughtittoworkjusttowriteme.Igrinned.
DearestBriana,
I’msingleaswell.MyexandIbrokeuplastyear.Ididn’tmistakeyourfriendshipforanythingotherthanwhatitwas,butIsupposeit’sgoodweclarify,especiallysinceweworktogether.
IthinkIcouldhandleaShetlandpony.Ihaveabitofexperiencewithhardtomanageanimals.LieutenantDanwasarescuewithbehavioralproblems,andIgrewupwithaparrot.Athirty-year-oldAfricangraynamedJafar.He’sabitofajerk.Heknocksthingsoverandthenblamesthecat.Healsolikestheword(andyou’regoingtohavetoexcusethelanguagehere)“motherfucker,”sosometimeswe’retreatedtothesoundofshatteringglassfollowedby“Thecatdidit,motherfucker!”
IwaslaughingSOHARD.
Jafarjustadded“bullshit,”“cocksucker,”and“you’resittingontheremote”tohistwistedrepertoire.Wehavenoideawhotaughthimthis,thoughIsuspectitwasmygrandfather,whoseemstoenjoyacertainlevelofchaosatelegantfamilygatherings.
IrepliedonmylunchbreakwithahurriedstoryaboutapatientI’dhadthatdaywhocutoffhisownpinkytoetoprovetohisfriendwecouldreattachit.Wedid,soIguesshewasright,butstill.
Jacobwrotebackbyfiveaboutaguywhowonabetthathecouldn’teatawholecontainerofsugar-freegummybears.Hehadseverediarrhea.JacobhadtoprescribehimDesitinforhisdiaperrash,andtheguy’sfriendswerecrackingupsohardJacobhadtokickthemout.
Thenourshiftswereover.WewenthomeandnowbothhadfourdaysoffbecauseJacobandIhadthesameschedule:twelve-hourshiftsforoneweekwithfourdaysonandthreedaysoff.Thenthenextweekitwasthreedaysonandfourdaysoff.
Fourdays,noletter.Itsucked
NowIreallyhadnothingtodo.Iwassobored.
Myfirstdayoff,theweatherwasnicesoItookBennyoutforicecream,whichIhopedwouldcheerhimup,sincehehadn’tbeenabletohaveanyforthelastsixmonths.Hejustpokedatitandsaidittastedweird.Probablyhismedsaffectinghistastebuds.Istoppedataparkonthewayhomeandmadehimwalkwithmearoundthelake.Heactedlikehe’dbeenkidnapped,andhelookedmiserablethewholetime.Whenwegotback,hewentstraighttohisroom.
IfIdidn’thavetobehere,I’dprobablydrivedowntoseeAlexisforthelongweekend.IguessedIstillcould.DoBenny’sdialysisnow,getbackbytomorrownightintimeforitagain.ButIdidn’treallyfeelgoodaboutleavinghimalone,evenifhedidn’tcareifIwashere.SoIjuststayed.Doingnothing.
Thenextdayoff,Ididlaundry.Ididthedishes.Icleanedthelitterbox.ThenIlayonthesofaandstartedscrollingthroughTikTok.
IrealizedthattheonlythingthatIlookedforwardtothesedaysweretheletterswithJacob.Hewassointeresting.Andfun.
Iwonderedwhathedidonhisdaysoff.Maybehisletterwouldbeabouthowhespentthelongweekend?
IwonderedifhewasonTikTok.Itypedhisnameintothesearchbar,butnothingcameupexceptaslightlyviralvideowithacouplethousandlikesonit.SomepatientafewmonthsbackatMemorialWest,recordingJacobfromacrosstheER,talkingabouthowhotherdoctoris.Iwentstraighttothecomments,andtheydidnotdisappoint.IthinkIlaughedforasolidfiveminutes.
“IknowwhereI’mgettingmynextPapsmear.”
“Thisiswhyyourgrandmotheralwaystoldyoutowearcleanunderwearincaseyou’reinanaccident.”
Andthetopcommentsaid:
“AsifMinnesotaisn’twetenoughalready.”
Idied
IhopedJacobdidn’tknowthisexisted—hewouldprobablybemortified.Iheartedthevideoandthecomments.
IcontinuedmyqueststillsmilingandwenttoGoogle,butallIgotwashisbioontheRoyaumeNorthwesternwebsite.NoFacebookorTwitter.IwenttoInstagram.Hedidn’tcomeuponasearch,butwhenIcombedthroughZander’sfriends,Ifoundhim.
Hispagewasprivate.Iimmediatelysenthimafriendrequest.Afewminuteslaterheapprovedit.Isatupwithasmileandwentrighttocreepingonhiswall.
Heonlyhadtwenty-threefriends,buttherewereatonofpictures.Iscrolleddownandwentallthewaybacktothebeginning,aboutthreeyears.
Mostofitlookedlikefamilyphotos.ShotsatChristmas,barbeques,lakepictures.Jacobwasn’tinmostofthemandhedidn’tseemtotakeselfies.Evenhisprofilepicturewasjustanatureshot.
TherewerelotsandlotsofLieutenantDan.Hisdogonlyhadthreelegs.
IburstoutlaughingthesecondIsawit.He’dnamedhisdogaftertheamputeeinForrestGump.Jacobhadnevermentionedthemissing-legthing.Hewassurprisinglyfunny,inthisself-deprecating,understatedkindofway.
IthinkoneofthebestpartsofthisnewthingwithJacobwasdrawinghimout.Iwantedtounravelhim,findoutmoreaboutwhohewas.IfeltlikeIwaspeelinghislayersbackoneletteratatime,gettingtheselittleglimpsesofsomeoneIcouldtellwashighlyprivateandsuperreserved.Ilikedpeoplelikethat.Bennywaslikethat.Youhadtoearntheirfriendship.Theydidn’tjustflingitalloverforanyonewhowasinterested,andwhentheygaveittoyou,itmeantsomething.
Heseemedtoberenovatingasmallcabinsomewhere.Hesharedalotofpicturesofthat.
Noex-girlfriendpics.Maybehe’ddeletedthem.GodknowsI’ddeletedeverypictureofNickafterwebrokeup.Ittookmelikeamillionyearstogetridofthemall.Probablywouldhavebeeneasiertodeletethewholeaccountandstartover,butIrefusedtodeletemynon-Nick-relatedmemoriesonprinciple.
Theyshouldmakeanappforthat.Afacialrecognitiononethatcoulddetectanddeletephotosofyourex.Oneclickandyourwholedeviceiswipedclean.Anditshoulddeletealltheircommentstoo,soyoudon’thavetoseethingslike“hotmama!”onapictureofyouinabathingsuitatyourbestfriend’shouseonadaywhenInowknewforafacthewasathomehavingsexwithKelly,inourbed.
Nickandhisliestaintedeverything.Eventhememorieshewasn’tin.
Ishovedthedarkclouddownandkeptscrolling.
JacobhadashotofGooseberryFallsandSplitRockLighthouseupbyDuluth.Ahikingtrail.Aboutmidwaythrough,therewasararepictureofhim.Hewasinakayakwithablondwoman.Maybethatwasher?Theyhadonlifejackets.Icouldn’treallymakeherout.Anothershotofhimkneelingwithanarmaroundtwolittlekidsoneithersideofhim.Agirlandaboy.Hewasreallysmilinginthisone.Itmademesmile.Helookedsohappy.Theoppositeofhowhelookedatwork,Inoted.
HectormentionedseeinghimattheCockpit.AfterseeingJacob’swall,IwasalmostcertainHectorhadbeenmistaken.Noneofhispictureswereofanyplacesremotelylikethat,plusIdidn’tpictureamanwithsocialanxietybeinginarowdybargettingdrinksfromaserverblowingonawhistlewhileyoutookshots.
Iscrolledthroughforafewmoreminutes.Hehadn’tpostedanythinginthelastfewdays.Nocluewherehewastodayorwhathewasdoing.WhenIgottothelastpicture,Isighed.
Iwasbeginningtofeellikeletterswerenotenough.Itwasfun,buttheycouldn’tkeepupwiththedemand.We’dpassedfourlettersbackandforthonourlastshiftalone,andIstillfeltlikeIhadmoretosayandsodidhe.
Iwantedtohangoutwithhim.Iwonderedifhe’dbeopentothat.I’dhavetoreallyreiteratethatIwasn’thittingonhim,though.Hangingoutseemedalittlelineblurring,especiallyifitwasgoingtobeoutsideofworkandonlythetwoofus.ButmaybeIcouldgethimtocometoMafi’sthenexttimeeveryoneelsewent.Thatwouldbeokay.
Ilikedthelastpictureheposted,ashotofhisdogsleepingonawoodenporch,andIpostedalittlecomment.Afewminuteslaterheheartedit.
ThatwasallI’dgetofJacobuntilworkonMonday.
Unless…Chapter12
Jacob
ItwasSaturday,thesecondoffourdaysoff,andIwasupatthecabinworkingontheyard.ItwasovergrownandI’dspentthedaybeforecuttingdownafewmaplesthatwereblockingtheviewtothelake.IhadmyshirtoffandLieutenantDanwaswatchingmechoponeofthetreesintofirewoodfromtheporch.Iwasstackingthelogstodryoutwhenthenotificationpingedonmyphone.WhenIswipeditopen,Istaredatitforasolidminute,myheartinmythroat
Brianasentmeafriendrequest
Instantjoltofadrenaline.
Mysocialmediawasnoteasytofind.She’dhadtohavegonelookingforit.Why?
We’dbeenpassingnotesbackandforth—itwasn’tflirting.She’dbeenclearwithmeonthat.I’dactuallyfeltatwingeofdisappointmentwhenshe’dsaidit.
Imean,IguessIwasn’treallyflirtingeither.Itwasn’tthatIwasn’tinterested,Ijustwasn’tthatbold.Ittookalotformetomakeafirstmoveoreventoacceptthatawomanmightbeopentothat.EverythingweweredoingwasmoreforwardthanIwasusuallycomfortablewith,evenonafriends-onlylevel.Maybeitwaseasierbecausewedidn’tspeaktoeachother?Justtheletters.Itfeltlikespeakingtoeachotherwasn’tallowed,likeitwasn’tpartofit.Wasthis?BeingfriendsonInstagram?
Iwasn’toneofthosepeoplewhocollectedfollowers.TheonlypeopleIletfollowmeweremyclosestfriendsandfamily.Notacquaintances,notpeoplefromhighschool.Close.ThephotosIsharedwereforthosewhoknewmebetterthananyone,soIneverworriedaboutwhattheythought.ButIcaredwhatBrianawouldthink.Icaredalot.
WhatifIacceptedthisfriendrequestandsherealizedhowboringIam?OrIsomehowfailedtomeetsomeexpectationofwhoIwasoutsideofwork?Whatifshesimplydidn’tlikemeoncesheknewmebetter?
Idraggedahanddownmymouthandsatonthebacksteps.Whywasawomanlikeherevenengagingwithmeinthefirstplace?Iwasn’tinteresting,Iwasn’tfun.
Still,she’dsenttherequest.Shemustwantmetoapproveit.
Istaredatthenotificationforanotherlongmoment.ThenIswallowedhardandacceptedit.
Iwentstraighttolookatherwall.Herfirstpicturewasofherwithagraycatonherlap.Hewasrubbinghisheadaffectionatelyonherchin.Thecaptionsaid“mynewroommate.”ThatmustbeCooter.
Fartherdownthetimelinetherewereafewpicturesatawedding.Shewasinablackdress,posingwiththebeamingbride,aredhead.
Thereweresomenaturepictures.Atrailwithlightgreenleavesonthetrees.AselfieinfrontofMinnehahaFalls.Shewaswearingsunglassesandagraybaseballhatinthatone.Shelikedtohike,likeme.Therewerealotofpicturesinthewoods,camping.SuperiorHikingTrail.
Therewasoneofherinabathingsuitinapool.IlookedatthisonelongerthanIprobablyshouldhave.Shehadanicefigure.Itwashardtotellunderthescrubs,butshedid.Shewasaveryattractivewoman.
Therewasashotofherinablueballgown,likeshewasheadedtoanevent,sevenmonthsago.Shelookedbeautiful.
AsIscrolleddown,Ispottedapictureofherwithherbrotherfromtwoyearsago.Thedifferencewasstark.Thebefore-and-afterofhisillness.Hewastanandfit.Shelookedhappiertoo.Shewaswearingaweddingringinthisone.
Shewasmarriedbefore?Maybethisiswhatshemeantaboutthelastyearbeinghard.
IfIdidn’tknowthesituationwithBenny,Imightnothavenoticedthewearinessinhernow.Shewasbeautifulthenandshewasbeautifultoday.ButIcouldseethetollithadalltaken.
Igotanotificationthatshe’dlikedoneofmypictures.Thenanotheronethattherewasacomment.Itappedonit.ItwasmylastpictureofLieutenantDan.She’dwritten“he’ssocute!??????”Ismiled.
Maybeshe’dliketomeethim.Ithoughtaboutaskingherifshe’dliketogotothedogparkwithmeafterworkoneday.IcouldDMher.
Wecouldmessagebackandforth.Rightnow.Iwantedto.
Itwashardtohavearunningconversationvialetters.Ittooktoolong.Evenondayswhenwepassedthreeorfournotes,Ihadtowaitalldaytogetawrittenresponsetojustonequestion.Andthenonourdaysoff,therewerenonotesatall.
Thedayswheretherewerenonotesfeltparticularlylong.
Butwhattosay?WhatmessagewouldIsend?“Hey”?Icouldn’tsendHey.Ithadtobesomethingsmart.Orfunny.NotHey.
Anotificationpoppedup.Ihadamessage.FromBriana.
Myheartlurched.Ihurriedtoclickonit.
Briana:Hey
Mymindstartedtorace.WhatshouldIreply?Heytoo?MaybeIshouldaskanopen-endedquestion.Thatwayshe’dhavetorespondsoitwouldn’tjustbeHeyHeyandthennothing.
Anothermessagepoppedup.
Briana:Whatrudoing?
Panicking???
Istoodandstartedtopace.Itypedintothemessagebar.
Me:Notmuch.Atmycabinthisweekend.You?
Ireaditoverfivetimesbeforedecidingitwasgood.IchangedYoutoUandthenbackagain.IhitSendandstaredatthescreen.
Nonewmessagecamethrough.
Iwaitedafewminutes.ThenIdecidedtogobacktoherwall,justtohavesomethingtodo.ButwhenIgotthere,Isawared#1onthemessagearrowtellingmetherewasaDM.Iwenttotapit,buttherewasnothingthere.
Shit.ItwastheWi-Fi.Mymessagesweren’tloading.Noooooo.
Thecabinhadcrappyinternet.Crappycellservicetoo.Infact,thiswasoneofthereasonsIcameupherethisweekend,tohaveplausibledeniabilitywhenmyfamilycouldn’tgetintouchtointerrogateme.IknewifI’dstayedhome,theywouldhaveshownuptocornerme,soIfledupnorth.OnlynowmyplanwasbackfiringbecausetheonlypersonIactuallywantedtobeabletotalktocouldn’tgetthrough.
ThereweretimeswhenIcouldn’tgetInstagramtoloadforhours.MycellphonehadonlyonebarunlessIwentovertothelittlecabin-themedrestaurantdownthestreettogetasignal.
Iwasgoingovertothelittlecabin-themedrestaurantdownthestreettogetasignal.
Ipulledonmyshirt,grabbedmycoatandwalletandLieutenantDan’sleash.IclippedittohiscollarfasterthanI’veevermovedinmylifeandthenstartedrunningwithhimthequartermiletotherestaurant.AssoonasImadeittotheirpatio,theirWi-Ficonnectedtomyphoneandhermessagepinged.
Briana:Nothing.Sobored.
Istoodthere,panting.
AservernoddedtoanemptytableandIrealizedhowIlooked—sweatyandoutofbreath,likeIwentjogginginmyjacketandworkboots.
TheserversetamenuonthetableandItookaseatandstaredatthescreenwonderingwhatIshouldreply.ButbeforeIgotthechanceto,shesentanothermessage.
Briana:CanIjustcallu?
Shewantedtotalk?Onthephone?
Irakedmyhandthroughmyhair.Ididwanttotalktoher.Butthisdidn’treallygivemethetimetochangementalgearsandgetusedtotheideathatitwashappeningrightnow.Ididn’treallydospontaneity,especiallyinsocialsituations.
ButIdidwanttotalktoher…Iwantedtotalktoheralot.
Me:Sure.
Itypedinmyphonenumber.
Mycellrangimmediately.Ipickeduponthefirstring,andthenkickedmyselfforlookingsoeager.
“Hey,”shesaidbrightly.
Thiswasthefirstwordshe’dspokentomeinpersonsincethedayoveraweekagowhenshe’dtoldmewhatcupcakestobring.
“Hey,”Isaidback.
“Sorry,it’sjusttypingtakessolong.Betterjusttotalktoyou,”shesaid.
“Yeah.Noproblem.”
“Okay,soIhavetoask,”shesaid.“AndIneedyoutobesuperhonest.Areyousendingmeallthebuttstuff?”
Ichokedoutalaugh.“What?”
“Ihavegottenalloftheweirdbutt-stuffpatientsthisweek.Azucchini,aheadlessBarbie,anantiquecandlestick—andtheguyaskedmetobecarefulpullingitoutbecauseitwashismother’s—areyousendingmethese?Doyouhaveanarrangementwiththechargenurses?”
Ishookmyheadwithachuckle.“No.Butifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,I’vegottenallthedrunkfratboysthisweek.OnepulledouthisIVandstrippednakedandtookoffandIhadtotacklehimbeforeheescaped.Doyouhaveanarrangementwiththechargenurses?”
“Ofcourse.ButI’mnotsendingyouallthenakeddrunkfratboys.I’monlysendingyoutherunners.”
Ilaughedsoloudthewaitresslookedoveratme.
“ThelastdrunkfratboyIgotthoughthewasinadrive-through,”shesaid.“Ihadtobealllike,‘Sir!Thisisn’tanArby’s!’”
Ihadtopinchtearsfrommyeyes.God,shewasfunny.
“Everydayisafullmoonaroundhere,”shesaid.“WasitthisbusyatMemorialWest?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,notthisbad.Butthentheyweren’talevel-onetraumacenter,so…”
“Yeah,itkeepsusfromgettingboredforsure.Doyoulikeitbetter?”
Inodded.“IthinkIdo.Neveradullmoment.”
Shesoundedlikeshewasstretching.“Why’dyoupickemergencymedicine?I’dthinkitwouldbeahardspecialtywithyouranxiety.”
Thiswasacommonmisconception.AndIunderstoodit—high-stressjob,notgreatforthenerves.Butitwasperfectforme.
I’dalwaysknownwhatIwasandwasnotcapableof,evenasachild.Yourparentstellyouthatyoucangrowuptobeanything.ButIknewfromtheearliestagethatwasn’ttrue.IremembermyteachertellingmeIcouldbepresidentoneday,andmereplyingthatIdidn’twanttobecauseIdidn’tlikeparades.
“IdidashortstintintheemergencydepartmentwhenIwasinresidencyinLasVegas,”Isaid.
“YoulivedinLasVegas?”
“Justforafewyears.ZanderandIwereroommates—Idon’tknowifyouknewthat.Wegobackalongtime,he’soneofmyoldestfriends.Anyway,hewantedtolivethere.ItwascloseenoughtoUtahandIwantedtohikealltheparksthere,soIwentwithhim.Itwasbetweenpediatricsandemergencyservices,butIendeduppickingtheER.It’ssofastpaceditmakesmefocus.It’slikemybraingetsquietbecauseitonlyhastimeforthetaskathand.It’sactuallyprettyrelaxing.”
“Iguessthatmakessense,”shesaid.“Yougetinthezone.Itmakesworkgobysofast.God,couldyouimaginebeingasurgeon?Nothingtodobutthink?”
“Iwouldhateit.”
“Didyoueverseeanycelebritiesoverthere?”sheasked.
“Oh,yeah.”
Icouldn’ttellherwhobecauseofHIPAAandshewouldn’taskforthesamereason,butIcouldgiveherbroadstrokes.“Lotsofperformers,”Isaid.“Mostlydrunk.Contusions,lacerations.OnceIhadabigmusiciancomethrough.Hehadabruisedhand,butIwroteitupasafracture.”
“Youdid?Why?”
Ishrugged.“Somethingtoldmeheneededtotakesometimeoff.”
“Thatwasniceofyou.Butwhatifyou’dgottenbusted?”
“I’djustdowhatourresidentsdotous.ActlikeIdon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.”
Shelaughed.“It’satime-honoredtradition.”
Ismiled.Thentheserverapproachedthetable.
“Canyouholdonasecond?”Iasked.
Iputheronmuteandorderedasaladandaclubsodawithlime.Iwasn’thungry,butIwastakingupthetable.AndIgotLieutenantDanagrilledchickenbreastwithnoseasoningandabowlofwater.
“Okay,I’mback,”Isaid.
“So,whatdoyoudoforfun?”sheasked.“HectorsaidhesawyouattheCockpit.Doyoulikebars?”
Ishookmyhead.“No,definitelynot.”
I’dhadanightmareonceaboutbeinginacrowdedbarthatdidn’thavetableserviceandIhadtoorderatthepackedcounter,squeezinginandshoutingatthebartender.I’dwokenupinacoldsweat.
“Hemusthaveseenmetherelastsummer,”Isaid.“I’veonlybeeninthereonce.Jewel’swife,Gwen,ownsthatbar.Iwenttothefarmers’marketwithher.Shewantedtobringstuffback,Icarriedawatermelon.”
“Youcarriedawatermelon?”Shesoundedamused.
“Yup.NobodyputsBabyinacorner.”
ShelaughedatmyDirtyDancingreferenceandIsmiledatmakingherdoit.
“Soifyoudon’tlikebars,wheredoyoutakedates?”sheasked.
“I’mnotdating.I’mjusttryingtogetusedtothenewjobrightnow.You’renotdatingeither,right?”
Shesighed.“Iwastryingtodateforalittlewhile.Butit’sbadoutthere.”
“Really?”Iasked.“Howbad?”
“Ohboy,strapin.Bad.Therewastheguywhobroughthisthreecatswithhim—”
“Hebroughthiscats?”
“Yeah.ItoldhimIlikeanimals,sohebroughthisthreetabbies.Theywerelooseinthecar.Thenherealizedtheycouldn’tstayintherewhilewewenttogoeat,sohetriedtogetmetocomebacktohishousetodropthemoffandseehiscustomcatio.”
“Awhat?”
“Anenclosedpatioforacat.WhichIwasinterestedinseeingifI’mbeingtotallyhonest,butIwasn’tgoingintosomerando’scathousetogetmurdered.Thewholetimehewastryingtoconvincemetocomehewaswearingoneofthecatsaroundhisshoulderslikeashawl.Itwassoweird.Thentherewastheguywhowantedmetolookathisrash—”
“I’vehadthatdate.Beforemyex.”
“Whyisitalwaysarash?”
“Sometimesit’samole.”
Shelaughed,hard
Shecontinued,stillcrackingup.“OnetimeImetthisguyonlineandhewasjustlikeyou.Handsome,smart,funny—normal.Ikeptwonderingwhatthecatchwas.Wemadeplanstogotodinnerandthesecondwegotourdrinkshewentintoapyramid-schemepitch.”
Ichuckled.IalsotriedtohidehowmuchIlikedthatshethoughtIwashandsomeandsmartandfunny.
“God,sometimesIthinkIonlyattracttheweirdos,”shesaid.
“You’reabeautiful,intelligentwoman,”Isaid.“Youattracteveryone.”
ShewentquietatthisandIwonderedifI’dsaidsomethingIshouldn’thave.Itjustsortofcameout.Maybeitcameoffasflirtingandshedidn’tlikethat?Butwhenshestartedtalkingagain,shehadasmileinhervoice.
“It’samazinghowmuchthisdatingstuffwearsyoudownafterawhile.I’moverit.AtthispointI’dbeexcitedifsomeonejusthadtheirshittogetherenoughtohaveaheadboard.”
“Ha.”
“Doyouhaveaheadboard?”sheasked.
“Yes.Absolutely.”
Theserversetmydrinkdowninfrontofme.
“Congratulations.You’retheonepercent.”
IwashappyIseemedtohavefallenintoacategorythatsheapprovedof,amaninpossessionofcompletebedroomfurniture.
“I’mahair’sbreadthawayfromjustfindingotherlike-mindedwomenandstartingacoven,”shesaid,goingon.“Anyway,LieutenantDanisprettycute.”
Ilookeddownatmydog,sleepingunderthetableatmyfeet.
“Therescuealmostdidn’tletmehavehim.”
“Why?”
“Hedidn’tlikemen.Wethinkhewasabusedbyamanwhenhewasababy.Hewouldn’tevenletmegetnearhim.”
“How’dyouworkthroughthat?”sheasked,soundingimpressed.
“Ishowedupeveryday.I’dbringfoodforhimandsitdownonthefloorandtalksoftlytohimuntilhetrustedme.”
“Awwwwww.Andwereyoutheonetonamehim?”
“Iwas.Itseemedappropriate.”
“Whathappenedtohisleg?”
Isqueezedlimeintomyclubsoda.“Wethinkhewasbornthatway.Probablyatapuppymill.”
“Ugh.That’ssosad.Iusedtogetalltheabused/neglectedanimalvideosonTikTokbeforethealgorithmrealizedIdidn’tlikethem.Animalsadoptingorphanedbabiesormilitaryservicememberscominghomeandsurprisingtheirdogs—Iamnotemotionallyequippedtodealwiththatkindofenergyrightnow.AreyouonTikTok?”
“No,”Isaid.“Well,sortof.Iwatchvideosonhouserestorations,butIdon’tpostanything.”
“I’monlesbianTikTokrightnowanditisthemostgloriousplaceonearth.”
“Really?IgetalotofFailvideosonmyForYoupage,forsomereason,”Isaid.“Ihatethose.”
“Metoo.Like,howareyoujustgonnashowustheaccidentandnotgiveusthefollow-up.IneedaSixMonthsLaterWhereAreTheyNowvideowithalistoftheinjuries.”
“Yes.Itfeelslikeadocumentarythatstopsjustasit’sgettinginteresting.”
“Right?Anyway,youhavetoengagewiththeapp,”shesaid.“Swipeawayvideosyoudon’tlike,likerightawaysotheyknowwhatyoudon’twanttosee.You’llbeinthewarmembraceoflesbianTikTokwithmeinnotime.”
“DotheTikToklesbiansknowhowtoremoveoldwallpaper?Becausethat’sthekindofcontentIneedatthemoment.”
“Oh,yeah.Theyknoweverything.It’swhereIlearnedhowtofoldafittedsheet.”
ImadeaTikToklesbiansmentalnote.
Westayedonthephoneandtalkedaboutnothinglikethisforhours.Thetimejustflewby.TalkingtoherwaseasyinawayIwasn’tusedto.
Shedrewmeout.Mademefeelcomfortable.Andthewordsjustflowed.Shemademefeelinteresting,likeshewantedtoknowaboutmeandwhatIhadtosay.Andwehadalotincommontoo.Iguessthatmadesense,wehadthesamejob.Butwebothlikedbeingoutinnature.Welikedculturalvacationsoverrelaxingbeachones,andwelikedthesamemovies.WeevenhadthesameLolaSimonesongsinourphones.
Aboutanhourintothecall,itstartedtodrizzle.Isqueezedinunderthenot-big-enoughtableumbrella.I’dbeeninsuchahurryIhadn’tconsideredthelogisticsofbringingmydog.Icouldn’tgoinsidetherestaurantbecauseofLieutenantDan.IcouldhangupwithBrianaandrunhomeanddrophimoff,thencomeback.ButIgotthefeelingifIaskedtocallherback,she’djustsayshe’dtalktomeonTuesday,andIdidn’twanttoriskit.SoIhuddledundertheumbrellawithrainsoakingthroughthebackofmyjacketandLieutenantDanhidingunderthetable,drierthanIwas.ThewaitresslookedatmelikeI’dlostit.
Afterthreehours,asliceofrhubarbstrawberrypie,andthesunstartingtoset,BrianahungupwithmetogodoBenny’sdialysis.
Themosquitoeswereeatingmealive,soitwasprobablyagoodthing—butIstillwouldn’thavehungupwithherfirst.
Ilikedher.Alot.
Theweirdthingwas,sheseemedtolikemetoo,forsomereason.Icouldn’timaginewhy.
Itfilledmeup.ItmademesmilewhenIthoughtbackonit.ProbablybecauseI’dbeenfeelingsoflawedandrejectedforthelastfewmonthsandsuddenlyIwasn’t.Atleasttoher.
Ididn’thearfromheragainfortherestoftheweekend,butitdidn’tmatterbecauseIknewwhenIwentbacktowork,we’dresumeourback-and-forth.Ilookedforwardtoit.AlittlemorethanIwantedtoadmit.
OnmywayintothehospitalonTuesday,IignoredanothercallfromJewel.Istillhadn’tdecidedwhatIwasgoingtodoaboutthesituationwithmyfamily.CallandcancelonfamilydinnertomorrowwasaboutallI’dworkedout.
Justasthestressofmynewjobandcoworkersbegantomercifullyquietdown,thestressofmyfamilybegantoratchetup.
ImademywaydowntotheERformyshift,puttingJewel’snumberonmutesoattheveryleastIwouldn’tbealertedtoexactlyhowmanytimesmysisterwastryingtogetmeonthephone.IwascomingdownthehallwayfocusedonthiswhenBrianaflewaroundthecorner
“Thereyouare!Comeon,you’llmissit!”Shegrabbedmebytheelbow.
Thiswasthefirsttimeshe’dtouchedmeoutsideofcrashingintome.Itmademefeelalittlebreathless—theunexpectedinteractionandthecontact.
“Misswhat?”Iasked,lettingmyselfbedraggedalong.
“OperaLady.”
“Who?”
“There’sthisgroupofoperasingerswhocomeindrunklikeonceamonthandtheyalwayssingintheER.Youhavetoseeit.Iwaslookingforyoueverywhere.”
Istifledasmile.
WewentthroughthedoubledoorstotheER.Therewasalreadyasmallcrowdhangingoutoutsideroomsixwhenwesidleduptothefront.Anariainahighsopranobeltedoutoftheroom.Everyonestoodsilent,listening.
Iknewthisone.“DerHo?lleRache”fromTheMagicFlute.Mozart.Breathtakinghighnotesthatroselikefierysparks.Icouldhearthemissinginstrumentsinmymind.Flutes,oboes,violins,clarinets.Imeltedintothepoignantvocalgymnasticsofthepiece.Itwasbeautiful.
IglancedoveratBrianawhilewelistened.I’dnoticedthewaythestaffhadmadeaspaceforus,partingtoletusthroughsowecouldbeclosertothedoor.Itwasasignofrespect—anditwasn’tforme.
I’dgottenmorefriendlynodssincethecupcakes.Thenursesweren’tascoldtomeanymore.ButthisreceptiontoourarrivalwasforBriana.HerbringingmesentamessagetoeveryonethatIwaslikedbysomeonetheylovedandrespected.Maybesheevenwenttogetmeinparttoleteveryoneknowthis.
Ifeltmyselfsoften.Likethefight-or-flightinstinctthisplacehadactivatedwasfinallydismissed.
Iwasalwaysbracedhere.Bracedforconfrontation,bracedforopendislike.Bracedforunpleasantnessingeneral.OnlyjustnowdidmybraindecidethatIdidn’tneedtobe.Andthatwasbecauseofher
Ilikedcomingtoworknow.Ilookedforwardtoit.IgotalittlejoltofdopamineeverytimeIsawaletter.
IgotalittlejoltofdopamineeverytimeIsawheracrosstheER…
Iknewforhertheywereprobablyjustnotes.Shewaslikableandeasy.Sheprobablyhadthisfunlittleback-and-forthwitheveryoneinonewayoranother.Butformeitwasalifeline.AnoutstretchedhandwhileIwasfalling,anumbrellainadownpour.Friendshipinahostileplace.
I’dbeendoingsomethingforherthelastfewdays.I’dbeenwatchingSchitt’sCreek
Ididn’tusuallywatchnewshows.Ijustrewatchedthesameonesoverandover.Ilikedthefamiliarity,thepredictability.IfIrewatchedashow,therewereneveranysurprises.Noemotionaljumpscares.Ididn’thavetoprocessnewfeelingsorstressovercliffhangers.Iknewwhereitwasgoingandhowitwouldend.Musictoo.Whenmyanxietyisextrahigh,newmusicistoodrainingtoprocess.I’dleanonoldplaylists.Alyricalsafespace,thecomfortofrepetition.Andmyanxietyhadn’tbeenashighasitwasrightnowinlongerthanIcouldremember.
ButI’dbeenwatchingSchitt’sCreekbecauseBrianahadmentioneditonourphonecalltheotherday,andIwantedtounderstandherreferences.Iwantedtohavethingsincommonwithher.Iwantedtotrythethingssheliked.
Itwasasmall,invisiblegestureoffriendshipfromme.Somethingshe’dlikelyneverevenfullyappreciatebecauseshedidn’tknowtheeffortthatcamewithit.She’djustthinkIwatchthesamepopularshowshedoesandthatwouldbeit.Thiswasmemakingspaceforher,eventhoughshewouldneverknowit.Mywayofsayingthankyouforherfriendship,evenifitwastooquiettohear.
Thesingingstopped.Halfthegroupwasdabbingattears.
EveryonestarteddispersingandIturnedtoBriana.“She’sgood,”Isaid.“Amazingshecandothatdrunk.”
“Youshouldhearthetenor.”
Thenwejustsortofstoodthere,likeweweren’tsurehowtoproceednowthatthedistractionwasover.
God,shereallywasbeautiful.Shehadherhairupinalooseponytail,readingglasseson.
Iclearedmythroat.“Thankyouforgettingme.Iappreciateit.Itmeansalottobeincluded.”
“ItoldyouIwasgoingto.”Thenherbrowsdrewdown.“Youarecoveredinmosquitobites.”
Ilookedatmyarms.“Yeah.Thecabin’sbuggy.”OrratherthetableonthepatiooftherestaurantItalkedtoheratwasbuggy…
Sheputathumboverhershoulder.“SoIwasgoingtogovisitthesobclosetaroundnoontoday—”
“Oh.Goodtoknow,”Isaid.“I’llschedulemybreakdownaroundtwotogiveyouachancetofinishup.”
Shelaughed.“No.Doyouwanttomeetme?Iwasjustgoingtohavemylunchinthere.There’sanewboxofpapertowels,sowebothhaveaseatnow.”
Thecornerofmyliptwitched.“Icouldeatatnoon.Youdon’twanttoeatinthedoctors’lounge,though?Orthecafeteria?”
NotthatIwantedto.Frankly,Ipreferredthesupplycloset.MostdaysIatelunchthereorinmytruck.Ilikedthequiet.Butitwasanoddchoiceforher.
Sheshookherhead.“Thecloset’squiet.”
“Theclosetisquiet,”Iagreed.
Shesmiled.“Cool.Seeyouatnoon.”
Shemadeafingergunatmeandjoinedasmallgroupofnurseswhowerewaitingforher.Iwatchedherwalkdownthehallandturnacorner.
Thenthepanicsetin.Iobsessedoverwhattoeatforthenextfourhours.
Ididn’twantanythingthatwouldstinkupthesmallspace.Nofetacheeseorheavygarlic.Wewouldn’thaveatable,sonothingthatrequiredsilverware.Soupwasoutofthequestion.Ididn’twantanythingcrunchysinceitwouldbeamplifiedinthetinyroom.Noapplesorchips.Ifinallydecidedonasandwich—noonionsandnospinachincaseitgotstuckinmyteeth—withafruitcup.
Itoccurredtomethatthisoverthinkingwasverylikelynothappeningonherend.ButIwastooself-consciousforthis.
Eatingwasintimate.Ittookmealongtimetotrulyfeelcomfortabledoingitinfrontofsomeone.
Ittookmealongtimetofeelcomfortabledoingalotofthingsinfrontofsomeone.
AtnoonIletmyselfintothesupplyclosetwithmyfood.Shewasinthesamespotaslasttime,lookingatherphone.Whenshesawme,shepeeredupandsmiledwarmly.“Hey.”
ShehadaCupNoodlesonthefloornexttoherandshepickeditupasIshutthedoor.“Iwaitedforyoutoeat,”shesaid.
“Youdidn’thavetodothat,”Isaid,sittingonthepaper-towelbox.
Shepulledoutaplasticutensilandtookthecoveroffhernoodles.“Sowhat’dyouget?”
“Justasandwich,”Isaid,leavingoutthepartwhereittookmealldaytodecideonit.
IunwrappeditonmylapandfeltatwingeofdismayasIrealizedthey’dputvinegaronit.Ilookedupathertoseeifshehadanyreactiontothesmell,butshewastwistingnoodlesaroundherforkandpullingthemtohermouth,catchingthefalloutinthecup—andIrealizedthiswomandidn’tcare.Shedidn’tcarewhatshelookedlikeeatingandsheprobablydidn’tcarewhatmydamnsandwichsmelledlikeeither.Hell,thewholeroomsmelledlikesoup.
Irelaxedalittle.IhadtorememberthatnoteveryoneoverthoughteverythingthewayIdid.
Wouldn’titbeamazingtolivelikethat?Tonotcarrythatburdenaroundwithyou.Tonotfeelconstantlyoverwhelmedandoverstimulatedandsecond-guesseverylittlething.
ItgotbetterthemoreIgottoknowpeople.AtMemorialWestmyanxietywashardlyaproblematall.Theyweremyfriendsthere,myteam.Iwasusedtothemandcomfortablearoundthem.
Allthingsconsidered,IwascomfortablearoundBrianatoo,Irealized.
Brianamademenervous,butshedidn’tmakemeuncomfortable.Thatwasabigdistinction.Forme,nervousnessusuallygotbetterwithtime.Uncomfortabledidn’t.
Atleastitdidn’twithAmy.
Amyneverstoppedmakingmeuncomfortable.Shestilldid.MostlybecauseIdon’tthinksheknewmewellenoughtoknowhownotto.
ItookabiteofmysandwichwhileBrianaatehernoodles,andwefellintoasilence.Butunlikemostsilences,thisonedidn’tfeelawkward.Itwaslikethepausebetweenourletters.Justasmallbreakinthedialogue.
BrianareacheddownandpickedupaSnapple.“What’sonyoursocks?”sheasked,noddingatmyankles.
Ipulledmypantleguptolook.“Elephants.”
“Doyoualwayswearanimalsocks?”
“Idoitformynieceandnephew.Theylikethem.”
“Areyougoingtoseethemtoday?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Butkidslikethem,soIalwayswearthemtowork.”
Shesmiled.“CanIaskyouaquestion?”sheasked,puttingthecapbackonherdrink.
Iwipedmymouthwithanapkin.“Sure.”
“Yousaidyourmomhadakidneytransplant?”
Inodded.“Shehaslupus.Herbestfrienddonated.”
Shepausedforamoment.“Howisshe?”
“She’sgreat.Healthy.Herlupusismanagedforthemostpart.”Ipeeredather.“How’syourbrother?”
Sheshrugged,lookingintohersoupcup.“He’snotreallythrivingondialysis.Ithoughtbynowhe’datleastbegettingadjusted,but…”Shewentquietagain.“He’ssodepressedI’mbeginningtothinkthathisinfectedcatheterwasonpurpose.”
Iblinkedather.“Youthinkhe’ssuicidal?”
Shepokedathersoup.“Idon’tthinkhewantedtodiesomuchashejustdoesn’thaveanyinterestinlivinglikethisanymore.”
Istaredather.Ihadnoideaitwasthatbad.
Shestilldidn’tlookatme.“Ithinkifithadbeenmoregradual,itwouldn’thavehithimsohard.Butitallhappenedsofast.Helosthisjobbecausehecouldn’tworkwithhishealthissues.Thenhisgirlfriendbrokeupwithhimafewmonthsintoit,whichdidn’thelp.”
Iknewthis.Gibsonhadmentionedit.Buthavingitconfirmedwasupsettingalloveragain.“Becausehewassick?”Iasked,incredulous.
Shegaveaone-shouldershrug.“Idon’tknowthatsheleftbecausehewassick,ormorethathestoppedbeingthepersonsheknewheoncewas.Hegotmoodyandshortwithher,self-consciousabouthisbody.Hedidn’twanttobetouched.Maybehepushedheraway.Idon’tknow.”
Notagoodenoughreason.IcouldneverleavesomeoneIlovewhentheyneedme—especiallyiftheyweresick.
IstudiedBriana’sface.Shelookedsotiredwhenshetalkedaboutherbrother.
“Anystatusonadonor?”Iasked.
Sheshookherhead.“No.Ihaveawebsiteforit,andweallhaveHELPBENNYFINDAKIDNEY.YOUCOULDBETHEMATCH!stickersonourcars.Butit’sbeeneightmonthssinceIstartedlookingforsomeone.”
“Doyouhaveanymorestickers?I’llputoneonmytruck.”
Shelookedupatmeandbrightened.“Youwill?”
“Yes,ofcourse.”
Shebeamedatmelikethistinythingwaseverything.“Thankyou.Andthanksforhavinglunchwithme,”shesaid
“Anytime,”Isaid,meaningitmorethanIthinksheknew.“Maybenexttimewecandothecafeteria.”
Shelaughedalittle.“Iknowyoudon’tlikeloud,crowdedplaces.Ineverseeyouinthelounge.Ijustfiguredyou’dbemorecomfortablehere.”
Nowmyfacewentsoft.
She’dpickedhereonpurpose?Forme?
BrianahadjustmanagedtodowhatAmynevercouldafteralmostthreeyearstogether.Shetookmesomeplacetomeetforlunchthatwouldn’tmakemeanxious.
Itwasn’tAmy’sfaultIwaslikethis.ButIwonderedifwe’dstillbetogetherifeverydatewithherdidn’twearmeout.Wouldwehaveseeneachothermoreifitwasn’tsoexhaustingforme?Maybeshewouldhaveknownmebetterifshe’dunderstoodhowtogettoknowmebetter.Likethis.Puttingmeatease.Meetingmehalfway.
Someoneknockedonthesupplyroomdoor.Iwassittingagainstit,soIhadtogetuptoopenit.
“Expectingsomeone?”Brianateased
IwassmilingatthiswhenIopenedthedoor,butthesecondIsawwhoitwas,myexpressionflatlined.ItwasJewel
“What…whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,confused.
ShecrossedherarmsoverherhotpinkT-shirt.“Ihadtodoawellnesschecksincenobodycanseemtogetyouonthephone.Somenursetoldmeyouwereeatinglunchinacloset?”
ThenshepeeredpastmeatBriana.Ahugegrinrippedacrossmysister’sface.
“Hey,”Brianasaid,gettingupwithasmile.“YoumustbeJewel.”
Mysisterhadashavedhead,shewascoveredintattoos,andshelookedjustlikeme.Shewasn’thardtospotbasedonmybriefstoryabouther.
Jewellookedpositivelyelated.“Iam.Andyouare?”
“Briana,”shesaidbrightly,offeringahand.
“Briana.Verynicetomeetyou.”Mysistershookherhand,beaming.“Sowhatareyoutwodoinginhere?”sheasked,lookingbackandforthbetweenus
“We’rejusthavinglunch,”Isaid
“Isee.Well,nowthatIknowyou’realive,I’llletyoukidsgetbacktoit.Callmeafterwork.”
“Yes,sure.”
ShegavemeasmileIcouldn’tinterpretandleft.Ishutthedoorandsatbackdown.
“She’snice,”Brianasaid,pickingupherSnapple.“InanI-gave-you-a-lawn-mower-chest-tattookindofway.”
Iscoffed.
“Doesyourfamilydothesewellnesschecksoften?”
“She’sveryinmybusinessrightnow,”Isaid.“Theyallare.”
“Why?”
“Eh,it’salongstory.”
Shelookedatherwatch.“Wehavefifteenmoreminutes.”
“It’sgoingtotakelongerthanfifteenminutes.”
“Okay.Wanttomeetfordrinksafterwork?Everyone’sgoingtoMafi’sforHector’sbirthday.Wecangetourownboothwhilewedoourparttokeeptheliquorindustrystrong.”
Ilaughed.ThenIimmediatelywonderedifshereallywantedmetogo,ordidsheinvitemebecauseshedidn’tthinkI’dactuallycome?Istudiedherexpression.Shelookedalmosthopeful.Shereallywastryingtoincludeme.
“I’mactuallygoinganyway,”Isaid.“WithZander.”He’dtextedmeearlierfordrinksafterwork.
“Perfect.I’llcomesayhi.”
Whenourbreakwasover,Iheldthedoorforhertoletherout.“Seeyoutonight,”shesaidbeforeheadingbacktohersideoftheER.AsIwatchedhergo,mycellpingedfrommypocket.Thenitpingedagainandagainandagaininquicksuccession.
Ipulledoutmyphonetoseewhatwasgoingon,andthesecondIsawit,mysmilefell.
Ohno…Chapter13
Jacob
Istaredatthestringoftextsfrommyfamilythathadbeenstreaminginsincelunchtime.EveryonebutDad.Lotsofexclamationmarksandheart-eyeemojis.Idraggedahanddownmymouth.
IwassittingatMafi’swithZanderhavingtheafter-workdrinksI’dpromisedhimearlier.Brianawasacrosstherestaurantwiththebirthdaycrowd.IcouldseeherlaughingwithHectoragainstthebar.
“Thisissobad,”Imuttered,puttingmyphonefacedownandmypalmstomyeyeballs.
JewelthoughtBrianawasmygirlfriend.
Itdidn’tevenoccurtomeatthetimehowthatwholethinghadlooked,mealoneinasupplyclosetwithawoman,Brianaknowingmysistersightunseen,likeagirlfriendwould.NowonderJewel’dbeensosmiley.
Shetoldeveryoneshe’dmetmygirlfriend.She’devengonesofarastosearchtheRoyaumeNorthwesternwebsitetogetBriana’sbioandphoto,whichshethensharedinthegrouptext.
“What’sbad?”Zanderasked.
Isatbackinmyseatandpausedforalongmoment.“Imessedup,”Isaidfinally.
“Withwhat?”
“Myfamily.ItoldthemIhaveagirlfriend.”
Heblinkedatme.“Whythehelldidyoudothat?”
Iblewabreaththroughmylips.“They’reworriedaboutme.JeremiahandAmygettingmarried.IjustwantedthemtothinkIwasokay.”
Hissmilemovedintoalowchuckle.“Damn.Yourmom’sgoingtolosehershitwhenshefindsoutaboutthis.You’regonnagetpsychoanalyzedwithinaninchofyourlife.”
“Iknow,”Isaid.“Butitgetsworse.Theythinkit’sBriana.”
“OurBriana?ThatBriana?”HenoddedtohersittingatthebarwithHector.
“JewelcametoseemetodayandIwaseatinglunchwithherinthesupplyclosetbyGibson’soffice.Sheassumed.”
“Well,whataretheysaying?”Zanderasked.
Iglancedatmyphone.“Thatmygirlfriendisbeautiful.Thattheycan’twaittomeether.Thatweweremakingoutinasupplycloset.”
Hepracticallyhowled.
“Sheissingle,youknow,”hesaid,stillcrackingup.“Checkthisout.Thejackassshewasmarriedto?Cheatedonherwithherfriend.”Heshookhishead.“Idiot.Youshouldhaveseenwhatshedidtohimwhenshecaughthim.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“Whatdidshedo?”
“Notmyplacetotellyou.Youshouldaskher.Let’sjustsayhegotwhathehadcoming,andIhopeI’mneveronherbadside.”Helaughedagain.
Itookadeepbreath.“I’mcallingmyfamily.”Ipickedupmyphoneandwenttodial,buthestoppedme.
“Justholdupasecond.Holdup,”hesaid.“Whydon’tyoujustaskher?”
“Askherwhat?”
Heshrugged.“Askhertobeyourdatetotheweddingstuff.”
“Theythinkshe’smygirlfriend.Adateisn’tgoingtodoit.”
Heshruggedagain.“Well,askhertobeyourgirlfriend.”
Istaredathimincredulously.
“Notforreal.Askhertohelpyouout.”
WhenIdidn’treply,heleanedforwardonthetable.“Look,Brianaiscoolashell.She’dprobablydoit.Especiallyifyou’reherbrother’skidneydonor—”Hebouncedhiseyebrowsandgrinned.
Istaredathimasecond.“Iwasamatch?”
Heshookhishead.“Youdidn’tjustmatch.Itwasperfect—well,asperfectasitcanget,outsideofgrowingyourownorgans.Imeanthiskid’snotgonnafindanythingbetter,I’lltellyouthat.”
Amatch.
InthelasttwoweeksZanderhadsentmeforaphysicalandamentalhealthevaluation,inadditiontothelabs.Iguessthatshouldhavebeenagoodindicationthatthingswereliningup.Still,thenewssurprisedme.
“Givemethebroadstrokes.”
“Okay,”hesaid,leaningbackinthebooth.“Well,allthestandardsurgicalrisks.Pain,infection,hernia.Bleeding,bloodclots.Generalanesthesia,two-tothree-hoursurgeryforalaparoscopicnephrectomy.Afterward,acoupleoffollow-upvisits.Nodrivingfortwoweeks,noliftinganythingovertenpoundsforamonth.That’sit.Donorshavethesamelifeexpectancyasnon-donors.You’llgoonwithyourlife.”
Isatbackinmyseat.“Ineedtothinkaboutthis.”
“Ofcourse.”
“It’snotreallyagoodtimeforme.I’vegotweddingstuffforthenextfewmonths.”
“Wecanscheduleitwhenyouwant.”
“AndIdon’tknowifGibsonwillgivemethetimeoff—”
“Hewill.Ialreadyaskedhim.”
Isnorted.
“Look,I’mnottryingtopressureyou,”hesaid.“ButI’dbelyingifIsaidIdidn’thopeyoudidit.Thisisthebestpossiblescenarioforthiskid.AndBriana’safriendofmine,andIwanttoseeherrelaxalittlebit.It’sbeenhardonher.”
Briana.Thatwasabonustodoingthis,ifIwasbeinghonest.Ilikedher.Notthatshe’dknowitwasmeifIdiddecidetodoit.Iwantedtodonateanonymously.
“Ineedtothinkaboutit,”Isaid.Itwasabigdecision.
Henodded.“Okay.ButI’mjustsayin’.Thiswoulddefinitelygetyouaweddingdate.”
“IfIdoit,Idon’twantanyoneknowingit’sme.”
HelookedatmelikeIwasspeakingintongues.“Whynot?Man,you’dbetheheroofthewholeER.They’dprobablythrowyouadamnparade—”
“ThatisexactlywhyIdon’twantanyonetoknow.Iwouldn’tbedoingitfortherecognition.I’dbedoingittohelphim.Idon’tlikethatkindofattention.”
Ididn’teventellanyoneitwasmylastdayatMemorialWest.Ididn’twantanyonetomakeabigdealaboutit.Ididn’tevenlikepeoplesinging“HappyBirthday”tome.Gettingtearfulthank-yousfromBenny’sfamilyandbackslapsandhandshakesfromstrangerswasmyideaofhell.
“IfIdoit,we’redoingitanonymouslyandwe’redoingitatthetransplantcenterdownattheMayoinRochester,nothere.Idon’twantanyonepokingtheirheadintomyrecoveryroom.”
Heletoutasigh.“Allright,allright.It’syourthing,Iwillrespectit.ButIstillthinkyoushouldaskher.”
Irubbedmyforeheadtiredly.“Ican’taskhertodothis,”Imumbled.
“Why?What’stheworstthingshecansay?No?”Hetookaswallowofhisold-fashioned.“Justtellherwhatyoutoldme.Levelwithher.Plusyourfamily’sfuckinghilarious.She’dprobablyhavethetimeofherlifeoverthere.”
Iletoutalongbreath.“She’dprobablythinkwe’reabunchofweirdos.”
Theideaofherbeingsubmergedintothatchaoswasenoughtogivemeheartpalpitations.Grandpatryingtorunpeopleintothebushesinhiselectricwheelchair,Momtalkingaboutsextoysandlubricants,whileJafarsquawkedprofanities.No.God,no.
Zanderswayedhistumbleratme.“Yourfamilyisawesome.Hell,I’dbeyourdateifIcould.AndIwannaseeifyoucanpullthisshitoff.”Hechuckledintohisglass.
Ilookedatmyphoneandthestringoftexts.Theydidn’tevenneedmeforthisconversation,theywereofftotheracesallontheirown.Theyboughtthishook,line,andsinker.Andwhywouldn’tthey?
Itfeltlikesomestrangeself-fulfillingprophecy,likeI’dcreatedBrianabyspeakingthelieintotheuniverse.ShewasexactlythekindofwomanIwouldliketobringhometomyfamily.Smart,successful,likable—beautiful.Andsheworkedwithme,justlikeI’dalludedtowhenItoldthemIwasseeingsomeone.AbsolutelynobodywouldfeelsorryformebecausemyexwasmarryingmybrotherifIshowedupwiththiswomanonmyarm.Shewas,forallintentsandpurposes,perfect.
ButIhadnoideahowtobroachthissubjectwithher.Atall.AndpartofmeworriedthatifIdid,she’dbesoturnedofforweirdedoutbyitthatshe’dstoptalkingtomealtogether.
Thisnewfriendshipwastheonlygoodthinghappeningtomeatthemoment.Ididn’twanttojeopardizethat.
Still,theideaofadmittingtomyfamilythattherewasnogirlfriend…Icouldn’ttellwhichscenariowasworse:theonewhereImaybescaredofftheonlyfriendI’dmadesincecominghere,ortheonewhereIshowedupalonewhileAmymarriedJeremiahandeveryonewatchedtoseeifI’ddieofabrokenheart.
“HowdidIgetmyselfintothissituation?”Ibreathed.
Zandershookhishead.“Justaskher.Trustme.She’soneofthecoolestpeopleIknow.”
Iglancedatmyphoneagain.ThistimeDadhadtexted.Can’twaittomeether
Everyonewantedmetobeokay.TheyweresohappybecausethiswasproofthatIwasokay,thatI’dmovedon,thatIwaswhole.ItwaspermissionforthemtolettheAmy/Jeremiahthinggo,tobeexcitedforthem,toacceptthisnewreality.Icouldfeeltheelationcomingthroughmyphone,thecollectivesighofreliefthatthiswasarealthing,arealwoman—realclosuretowhathadhappened.
IfI’dhadanydoubtsabouthowbadlymyfamilyneededthis,thiswastheanswer.
IglancedatBrianaacrosstherestaurant.Thistimeshewaslookingback.Shewaved,andleanedinandsaidsomethingtoHector.Helookedoveratmeandwavedtoo.Thenshejumpedoffherbarstoolandheadedinourdirection.
Igotinstantlynervous.Likeshe’dsomehowknowaboutthemiscommunicationwithmyfamilyanddemandanexplanation.Ifeltmyselfclamminguptheclosershegot,likemyabilitytospeakwasbeingsuckedintoavacuum.
“Hey,”shesaidasshegottothetable.“Youcame.”Shesmiledatmeinawaythatmadeherwholefacelightup.
LuckilyIdidn’thavetoanswer,becauseZanderbrokein.“Sit,”hesaid,scootingover.
Sheslidintothebooth,setherpursenexttoher,andpluckedoneofZander’sfrenchfriesoffhisplateandateit.“Whatareyouguystalkingaboutoverhere?”sheasked,chewing.“Icanhearyoulaughingacrosstherestaurant.”
Zanderpushedhisplatetowardherandnoddedatme.“TalkingaboutthetimeJacobcarriedaninjuredATVdriveroutofthewoodsafewyearsago.”
Iblinkedathim.Thatwasnotwhatweweretalkingabout.Itwasatruestory,butwehadn’tbroughtitupinyears.Whatwashedoing?Washewingmanningme?
Brianaarchedaneyebrowatme.“Ohyeah?Whathappened?”
Iclearedmythroat.“Hecrashedit.Brokebothfeet.Wecouldn’tgetasignaltocallforhelp.”
“Andyoupiggybackedhim?”
Inodded.“Ittookthreehours.”
“Andthatwasfunny?”sheasked,lookingbackandforthbetweenus.
Zanderdidn’tskipabeat.“Theguythrewupdownhisbackonthehikeout.”
Brianachokedonhergiggle.Well,somuchforthewingmanning.
“Thatwasniceofyou,though,”shesaid,stillcrackingup.Thensheleanedinalittle.“Justsoyouknow,IforbadeHectortocomeoverhere.”Shenoddedbacktothebar.“That’stoday’sdrunkextrovert.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Thensheseemedtoremembersomething,andshereacheddownnexttoherandstartedrummaginginherpurse.“Iforgot.Here’sthestickerforyourcar,”shesaid.
Shesliditfacedownacrossthetabletowardme.“Thanksfortakingone.”
Iputahandontopofit.“Ofcourse.”
“Ihavetogetbackoverthere,”shesaid,lookingatherwatch.“Hey,whydon’tyoutellmethatfamily-storythingatlunchtomorrow?Supplycloset?Noon?”
Inodded.“Sure.”
“Youguyshavefun!”shesaid,pluckinganotherfrenchfryoffZander’splate.Thensheslidoutoftheboothandwasgone,backtohersideoftherestaurant.
“See?She’scool,”Zandersaid,takinghisfriesback.“I’mtellingyou,askher.”
IwatchedherwalkbacktothebarandhopontothebarstoolnexttoHector
Ipickedupthebumperstickerandlookedatitamoment.Itwaswhitewithblueletters.ItsaidHELPBENNYFINDAKIDNEY.YOUCOULDBETHEMATCH!Therewasawebsiteunderit.
Itfeltsofutile.Likeashoutintothevoid.
Thiskidwasnevergoingtofindsomeone.Itwasgoingtotakehimyears.
I’dneverimagineddonatingakidneytosomeoneIdidn’tknow.I’dfiguredifIeverdidit,it’dbeforsomeoneinmylife,notastranger.ApartofmeeventhoughtIshouldholdoffincaseMomneededanothertransplant—thoughIknewshehadfourotherkidswhowouldgladlystepin.Shedidn’tneedmetosavemine.
Istaredatthesticker.
Ididn’tknowBenny.ButIdidknowhissister.IfIdidthis,itwouldn’tjustchangehislife.Itwouldchangehers
IlookedacrosstherestaurantatBriana.Shewaslaughingwithsomeofthenurses.ButIrememberedthelookonherfaceearlierwhenshetalkedaboutherbrother.IrememberedthedayhecameintotheERandthepanicinhervoicewhenshewastreatinghim.IrememberedthewayshecriedinthesupplyclosetthattimeIwalkedinonher…Howdespondentshewas.Howhelplesssheprobablyfelt.ItwashowIwouldhavefeltifMomhadn’tgottenadonorwhenshedid.
Shemusthavesensedmelookingather,becauseshepeeredupatmeandsmiled.Abeautiful,genuine,friendlysmile.
AndinthatinstantIdecided.
“I’min,”Isaid,talkingtoZanderbutlookingather.
Therewasamomentofsilencenexttome.“I’msorry,Ididn’tgetthat.”
Ilookedathim.“I’min.I’lldoit.I’lldonate.”
Hesmackedahandonthetable.“Allright!Yes!”Thenhepaused.“You’resure?”
Inodded.“I’msure.”
Hegrinned.“I’lltellhimtonight.Thatkid’sgonnalosehisshit.Seriously,man.Youhavenoideawhatthismeanstothem.You’redoingagoodthing.”Hepaused.“Andyou’resureyouwannadothisanonymously?”
Inodded.“I’msure.Don’ttellanyone.Noone.Notevenmymom.”
“You’renottellingyourmom?”
“No.I’mnottellinganyone.”
Itwasn’tthatIdidn’twantmyfamilytoknow.ItwasthatIdidn’twantBrianatoknow.Ididn’twanthertofeellikesheowedmeanythingorwasobligatedtobemyfriendbecauseofthis.Ididn’twantstringsortherecognition.Ijustwantedtohelpher,andIwantedtodoitinsecret,andmyfamilyknowingwastoorisky.Contactwithherhadalreadybeenbreached.Icouldn’ttrustthatJewelwouldn’tshowupatmyworkagainandcasuallymentionmedonatingakidneytosomeone.AndMomtoo.Sheknewtoomanypeopleandthereweretoomanyopportunitiesforthistoleak.Iwanteditquietandconfidential,atleastfornow.
AndthenIhadtolaugh,becauseitoccurredtomethatitwaseasierformetodonateanentireorganthanitwastoaskawomantoposeasmygirlfriendandcomewithmetoafewfamilygatherings.Myfearofrejectionandjudgmentwasthatacute.
IguessIjusthadtodecidewhatscaredmethemost.Showinguptothisweddingalone,ormakingBrianaOrtizanindecentproposal.Chapter14
Briana
WhenIgothome,Alexiswassittingontheporchswinginfrontofmyhouse.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Isaid,closingmycardoor.“Ithoughtyouweren’tcominguntiltomorrow!”Irantohugher.
“I’mstayingthenight,”shesaidwithherchinovermyshoulder,herpregnantbellypressedintomine.“Figuredyouneededemotionalsupport.Jessicacamedowntodaytodoafreeclinicatmyofficeandshementionedsomethingabouttheforestreclaimingtheland?”
Ilaughedandlethergo.
“Youallright?”sheasked,eyeingme.
Isighed.“I’mfine.Sortof.”
Asfineasanyonecouldbeontheeveoftheirdivorce.
Tomorrowwasthenineteenth.Itwasfinallyhere.D-day.I’dplannedonworkingandactinglikeitwasanyotherWednesday.I’dtoldAlexisnumeroustimesoverthelasttwoweeksnottocome.Butshecameanyway.
Ilovedherforit.
Shelookedgreat.Herredhairwasinaponytail,andshehadonadarkgreenfittedT-shirtandjeans.Smallbabybump.Nomakeup.Everythingaboutherwasrelaxed.Sodifferentthansheusedtobe,backbeforeDaniel.IwasalsodifferentthanIusedtobe,butnotinagoodway.
Shegrabbedaduffelfromtheswingbenchandabrownpaperbag.“Ibroughtyoumuffins,”shesaid.“Imadethemfromscratch.”
“Ofcourseyoudid.You’reacountrygirlnow.Didyouchurnyourownbutter?”
Shelaughed.“Shutup,”shesaid,followingmein.
Justin,Benny’sfriend,metusatthedooronhiswayout.
“Hey,”Isaid,surprisedandhappythatsomeonewashere.
“Hey.”
Bennywasinthelivingroombehindhimonthesofa.HelookedupatAlexiswiththatflatexpressionhealwaysworethesedaysbeforestaringblanklyattheTVagain.
“Didyouguyshaveagoodday?”IaskedJustin,myvoicehopeful.
Hepressedhislipstogetherinawaythatmeantno.
“We’regonnagotoGameStoptomorrow,right,buddy?”Justincalledoverhisshoulder.
Bennydidn’tanswer.Justinlookedbackatmeasiftosay,Thisishowhewasallday.
“Thanksfortrying,”Isaidquietly.
“Yeah.Ofcourse.”HeglancedatBennyagain.“We’lltryagaintomorrow.”
Justinwasagoodfriend.Bradtoo.Thethreeofthemweretight.Justin’sdadhaddiedafewyearsagoandBennyandBradhadbeenthereforhimduringthat,andnowtheguyswerehereforBenny.Bothhadbeentestedtoseeiftheywereakidneymatch.AllofBenny’sfriendshad.Butafterthat,theystartedtodropoffoneatatime.WiththeexceptionofJustinandBrad,nooneelsereallycamearoundanymore.Iwasinfinitelygratefultotheoneswhodid.
Justinleft.IputAlexisintotheguestroom,andthenwewenttosetBennyupondialysis.Alexishelpedmegethimsituated.Wespokewithoutsayingawordthewholetime.Aftertenyearsofworkingtogetherplusmedschool,wehadourownlanguage.Shewasconcernedabouthim.
Hisphysicaldeteriorationhadtobeshockingforher.He’dlostatleastthirtypoundsinthesixmonthssinceshe’dlastseenhim.Hewasinshorts.Hislegsweresothintheylookedlikeropeswithknotsinthemiddle.Hehadn’tshaved,hiseyesweresunken.He’dbarelysaidtwowordstousthewholetimeweweresettinghimup.
Alexismadeeyecontactwithmewhileshecheckedhisbloodpressure.Itwasthesamelookshegavemebackwhenweworkedtogether,theonethatmeantweneededtodiscussthepatientinprivate.
Ihadtolookawayfromher.
Ihatedthatthiswasthestateofthingsnow.ThatIdidn’thaveabetterlifetoshowher,happynewstoshare.ThatshehadtocomeherebecauseIwasgoingtobedivorcedtomorrowandshedidn’twantmetobealoneandthenwhenshegothere,thiswasmylife.Thisold,worn-downhouse,mysickbrother.Mybrokenheart.
Itwaspathetic.
Ipeeredaroundmylivingroom,tryingtofocusonanythingotherthanmybestfriend’sworriedgazeandmylanguishingpatient,buttherestofthescenewasn’tanybetter—theugly,tiredcouch,thebrownshagcarpet,thefuckingcattree.
Asuddensurgeofdespairwashedoverme.
Thereweretimeswhenmyprotectiveshieldcrackeddownthemiddle.Whentheangerpartedandthesadseepedthrough.Ihatedwhenitdid.AtleastwhenIstayedmad,theemotionwasdirectedoutwardandnotin.Butitwastooheavytoday.ThefeelingscollapsedontomeandIbroke
IpretendedIneededtogogetablanketforBennyinthelinenclosetandexcusedmyself.ThesecondIgotaroundthecornerIstoppedinthehallwayandburstintomuffledtears.
Whatwasmyfuckinglife?HowhadIendeduphere?
Everythinghadgonewrong.
Oncethetearsstarted,Ijustcouldn’tgetthemtostop.Itwasanavalanche.Atidalwave.ProofthatIreally,reallywasn’tokay.
Nick.
Itwasover.Itwasofficiallyover.
Ididn’twanttocelebratemydivorce.Ididn’twanttopopchampagneorhitthetownandactlikeIwashappytobedonewithmymarriage.Iwasn’thappy.Iwaslivinganightmare.SomealternaterealitythatIwasneversupposedtoknow.
NickandIweresupposedtogrowoldtogether.Itwasgood.Wewerehappy.
ButIjustwasn’ther
IthinkIalwaysknewsomethingwasthere.Shewashispartneratwork.They’dneverdated.ShehadaboyfriendwhenImetNickandthenshehadahusband.WewenttoBBQsateachother’shouses,wewentoncouples’tripstogether.Ilikedher.Shewasmyfriend.
AndnowIsawthetruthIcouldn’trecognizethen.
IsawNickatherwedding,drinkingmorethanI’deverseenhimdrinkandpassingoutonthebedinourhotelroom,stillinhisclothes.
Isawthemwhisper-arguinginthekitchenthenightofourten-yearanniversarydinner,andhesaiditwasaboutworkandIbelieveditbecauseIwantedtobelieveit.IsawallthetimeshewasmoodyanddistantbecauseIwasn’therandthatannoyedhim.
Itwaslikefindingoutyouhavecancerandfinallyconnectingallthedotsandrealizingyou’vebeenseeingthesymptomsforyearsandwonderinghowsomethingsohorriblecouldbesomethingyoumissed.AndnowIwonderedhowI’dbeensostupid.HowIdidn’tknowuntilthatday.
Momwasright.
Onlyanidiotputsalltheireggsinaman’sbasket.AndI’dgivenNickeverything.NowIhadnothing,notevenhope.BecausehebrokethetrustinmenthatI’dneedtoeverbewithoneagain.Therewouldn’tbeanexttimeforme.Therewouldn’tbeasecondhusband,anotherloveofmylife.Therewouldonlyeverbethis.
“Hey.Youokay?”Alexisaskedgentlyfrombehindme.
Iturnedaround,wipingundermyeyes.“Yeah.Sorry.Ijust…”
Ishookmyhead,doingmybesttoregainmycomposure.“Itjustallsortofhitme.”
Shereachedintothebathroomandpulledsometissuesfromaboxandhandedthemtome.Thensheleanedonthewalloppositeme.
“Thanks.”Isniffed,dabbingatmyeyes.
Shewaited,peeringatmequietly.
Itookadeepbreathandletitoutslowly.“Doyourememberteleportingwhenyouwerelittle?”
“What?”
“Youknow,whenyouwereakidandyou’dfallasleepinthecarandyourdadwouldcarryyoutobedandyouwouldn’trememberit?You’djusthaveafoggymemoryoffloatingthroughspace.Andthenyou’dwakeupinbedthenextmorningnotrememberinghowyougotthere,butsortofrememberingitatthesametime?”
Shenarrowedhereyeslikeshewasthinking.“Yeah.Onlyitwasnevermydad.Itwasthenanny.Butyeah.”
Isniffed.“MydadwasgonebythetimeIwaseight.Ineverteleportedagainafterthat.Therewasn’tanyonestrongenoughtocarryme.”Ipausedforalongmoment.“Menhaveonlyeverleftme,Ali,”Isaidquietly.
Shewaited,silent.
“Youneverrealizeyou’relivingthebesttimeofyourlife,”Isaidsoftly.“Ithappensandthenitends,andyouonlyseeitforwhatitwasafter.IgaveNickthepartofmeIdon’tgiveanyone.Igavehimthekindofstupid,innocentlovethatyoucanonlygivebeforeyouknowbetter.Hegotthebestofme.AndI’llneverfindthatmeagain.”
“Yes,youwill—”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Iwon’t.BecauseI’llneverbethattrustingagain.I’llnevergivemyselftosomeoneelsewiththecompleteabandonthatIdidwithNick.Idon’thaveitinme.Hewastheexception.Hewasmesaying‘Okay,soDadleft.Butthisonewon’t.Ipickedright,notallmenarelikeDad.Thisone’sgoingtocarryme.Allmybrokenpieces.’”Ipaused.“Andhedidn’t.HedidexactlywhatMomalwayswarnedmethatmendo.HevalidatedeverycautionarytaleIgrewuphearing.Alwayshaveaseparatebankaccount.Makesureyournameisonthehouse.Trustbutverify.”Ishookmyheadagain.“Ididn’tlisten,”Iwhispered.“AndnowI’llneverteleportagain.”
Shelookedatme,hereyessad.“Thisisn’tyourlife,Bri.Thisisjustashittychapterinyourstory.Youknow,Ididn’tthinkI’deverdateagainafterNeil,butthenIfoundDaniel.Therearegoodmenoutthere,you’llfindsomeonetoo.”
Iscoffeddryly.“Thatshiphassailed.Iamnolongerareliablesourceofjudgmentwhenitcomestopickingmen.”Iwipedundermyeyesandtookinadeepbreath.
“Speakingofhusbands,”Isaid,changingthesubject.“Ican’tbelieveyouactuallyleftyourshomealone.”
“ThesexisbetterwhenI’mgoneforabit.”
“Oh,sonowIgetwhyyoucametoseeme.Thisisforeplay.”
Shelaughed.
Isighed.“Iwishmarriagecamewithanappthatmakesitsoyourhusband’spenisonlyworksforoneuser.Likeaphonethatonlyyoucanunlock?Iwouldhavegivenittoyouasaweddinggift.”
“Idon’tthinkIhavetoworryaboutthatwithDaniel.”
Inodded.“You’reprobablyright.He’llmakeagoodteleporteroneday—butjustkeepaseparatebankaccount.Trustmeonthisone.”
Shesmiled.Thenshegavemeaplayfuleyebrow.“Youknow,Dougisstillsingle.”
Igaggedandshecrackedup.Herhusband’scrustybestfriendhadfollowedmearoundwithaguitarattheirwedding.
“I’mnotthatdesperate,”Isaid.“Yet.”
Weweregigglingatthiswhenthescreamingstarted.
Benny.
AlexisandIlookedateachotherforasplitsecondbeforewebolted.
Everythingmovedinslowmotionafterthat.
Downthehallway,aroundthecorner,intothelivingroom—Iwasbracedforsomethingawful.Adisconnectedtube,bloodeverywhere.ButwhenIgotintheroom,hewasrightwherewelefthim,stillhookeduptothemachine.
Hewascrying,hysterical.
AlexisandIbothdartedtohisside,goingintoERmode,franticallycheckingwiresandscreensonthedialysismachinewhilehescreamed.
“What’swrong?”Isaid,touchingdials.“Benny!”
Hewassoworkeduphecouldn’tevenformwords.
Alexisshookherhead.“Thislooksfine.It’snotthemachine.”
Iturnedtomybrother,frantic.“Benny,whatisit?!”
AndthenIsawhewasn’tjustcrying.Hewaslaughing.Manic,high-pitchedlaughingbetweensobs.
“Zander…”hemanaged,lookingupatmewithtearsinhiseyes.“Hejustcalled…I…Ihaveadonor.”Chapter15
Jacob
IcouldfeelthebuzzbeforeIevenwalkedintotheER.Themoodonthefloorwaspalpable.Everyonewashappyandchattering.AndwhenIsawBrianabythenurses’station,agrouphuddledaroundher,Iknewwhy.ZandermusthavetoldBenny.
Ismiledandstoodbackandwatched,myhandsinmypockets.Brianawasglowing.Laughing,smiling.Someonehuggedher.Thensomeoneelse.
Myownsmilereachedmyeyes.
Shelookedupandsawmeandwavedexcitedly.Thenshesaidsomethingtoeveryoneandjoggedovertome.
“Didyouhear?”Shewasbeaming.
“No,”Isaid,playingdumb.“What’sup?”
“Bennyhasakidneydonor.”
Igrinnedather.“That’swonderful.”
Shebitherbottomlipandbouncedalittle.“Thankyouforputtingthestickeronyourcar.ImeanIknowitwasn’tfromthat.Toosoon.Butstufflikethatmadethishappen.Sothankyou.”
“Ofcourse.”Ijuststoodthere,smiling.
Shestartedtotearupabitandwipedunderhereyes.“I’msorry.I’msoemotional.Thiswassounexpected.Ican’tdolunchwithyoutoday,mybestfriendisintown.Tomorrow?Supplyroom?Youhavetotellmethatfamilything.”
Inodded.“Yeah.Sure.Seeyouthen.”
ThenIwatchedhergobacktoagroupofwaitingnurses.
Ididn’tevenrealizehowgoodthiswouldfeel.Iwasgladtobethesourceofeveryone’shappiness,eventhoughtheydidn’tknowitwasme.ButmostlyIlikedseeingBrianasoexcited.Icouldn’thaveanticipatedhowmuchjoythatwouldbringme.
ItoccurredtomethatthesamewayBrianahadshutoffmyanxietybywelcomingmetoRoyaume,Ihadprobablyjustdonethesameforher.Aninstantrelief.Itmademesmiletothinkofitlikethat.LikeI’dpaidherkindnessforward,eventhoughitwasinsecret.
IhopedBennywascelebratingtoday.ButIhadtoadmit,IwasmoreinvestedinhowBrianatookit.Iwasstressedaboutthedinnertonightwithmyfamily,butIwasinagoodmoodallmorninganyway.
Mylifewasamess.ButatleastBriana’swasthewayitshouldbe.Chapter16
Briana
I’djustfinishedlunchinthecafeteriawithAlexis,andshe’dgonebacktomyhouse.IswungbyGibson’sofficeonthelasttenminutesofmybreakandknockedonhisdoorframe.Heheldupafinger,askingmetowaitwhilehewrappeduphiscall.
IneededtoaskforthedaysoffforBenny’stransplantinJuly.Iwaspracticallybouncing.I’dbeenlikethissincelastnight.Icouldn’tstopsmiling.
Itwaslikealighthadswitchedoninsidemybrother;thechangewasinstantaneous.
He’dstayedupwithmeandAlexiscelebrating.BradandJustincameover,andmybrotherwasjokingandlaughingandwasBennyforthefirsttimeinsolong,Iwantedtocryeventhinkingaboutit.Thismorning,hewasonhistreadmillwhenIgotup.Hesaidifhewantedtobereadyforthenextmarathon,hehadtostarttrainingnow.Thenheateafullbreakfast.Allofit.I’dhadtomuscledownthehappysobthatcameoutofmymouth.
Someonehadgivenmemybrotherback
Ididn’tknowwhothedonorwasorhowtheyfoundus.AllweweretoldwasthattheywereavailableforalateJulytransplant,theywantedtodoitatMayoClinic,andthattheywishedtostayanonymous.Zandersaidtheywereaperfectmatch.
Aperfectmatch.
I’dbeenbracedfortodaytobesoshitty.AndnowIdidn’tevencarethatIwasofficiallydivorced.Didn’tcare.Nothingcouldcastashadowonthismoment.NotevenNick.
Gibsonhungupthephoneandmotionedmeinside.
Istoodinfrontofhisdeskfeelingbuoyantandlight.“IneedtorequesttwoweeksoffinJuly,”Isaid.
“Allright.”Heloggedontohiscomputer.“Goinganywherefun?”heasked,tappingintohiskeyboard.
“Rochester.Tothetransplantcenter.”
Hestoppedandlookedupatmeoverhisglasseswithagrin.“Well,I’llbedamned.Yousee?Everythinghappensforareason.”Hewentbacktotapping.“Andtothinkhemighthavegonetoadifferenthospital.”
Ilaughedalittle.“WhywouldBennygotoadifferenthospital?”
“NotBenny.Jacob.He’dneverhavemetyourbrotherifhehad.Lookatthat,everythingworksout.”Heshookhisheadwithasmileandwentbacktothescreen.
Istoodthere,mybraintryingtomakesenseofwhathewassaying.“Jacob?”Iasked.
“He’sdoingitforJoy,”hesaid,talkingtothescreen.“Didhetellyouthat?Hismotherhadakidneytransplantwhenhewasakid.Alwaysdreamedofpayingitforward.Atleastthat’swhathesaidwhenZanderaskedhimifhewantedtorunthelabs.Gladitworkedout.”
Mysoul.Left.Mybody.
“Jacobismybrother’skidneydonor?”Ibreathed.
Gibsonlookedupatme.“What’sthat?”
Iswallowed.“Thedonorisanonymous…”
IwatchedGibson’ssmilemelt,thenmorphintosheerpanic.“It’s…hedidn’t…Briana,Ihadnoidea.”Hestuttered.“Hespokeaboutitfreely,the…thetwoofyouseemedtobefriends—you…youwereeatinglunchtogetheryesterday.I—Ididn’tknow,Ijustassumed…”
Iturnedandran.Ihadtofindhim.Now.Immediately.
IthrewopenthedoortooursupplyclosetasIdartedpast.Hewasn’tthere,soIboltedtotheERfloordialinghisnumber.
Myheartbeatwasthuddinginmyears,mymindcareeningforwardfasterthanIcouldkeepup,thedetailsshiftingandreconfiguring.
JacobwasBenny’skidneydonor.
Jacob.WasBenny’s.Kidney.Donor.
How???
I’dbeensomeantohim.
Iwasn’tevennicetohiminthebeginning.Iwasatotalnightmare.Andhe’dhavetohavebeenworkingonthisevenbackthenbecauseittakesweeksforthelabsandthetissuesamplesandthemedicalandmentalhealthevaluations,andIknewtheytookthatlongbecauseI’ddonethemmyselfoncewhenIwastryingtoseeifIwasamatch.
Ipulledbackslidingglassdoorstopatientroomsandyankedawaycurtainswithmyphonetomyear,hisnumberringing.Hedidn’tanswer,soIranthroughthedoctors’loungeandcheckedthestairwellandthecafeteria.
ThenIstartedtocry.
Hedidn’twantmetoknow.
Hedidn’twantanyofustoknow.Hejustwantedtodothisinsecretwhenhecouldhavedonethisintheopenandleteveryonelovehimforit—andtheywouldhave.Everysinglepersonwhoworkedinthisdepartmentwouldhaveinstantlyadoredhimforhisselflessact,worshippedthegroundhewalkedon.Hewouldhavebeenbeloved,forgivenforanything,ahero.
ButJacobwasn’tlikethat.Hewasahero,buthewasthekindthatneverletanyoneknow.
Asobburstfrommymouth,andIhadtocoveritwithahand.
Jessicawasright.Hewasanexcellenthumanbeing.
Ifeltmychestfillingup,likeloveandgratitudeandappreciationweresolidsthattookupspaceinsideme.Icouldfeeltheemotionspouringfrommyheart,streamingfromthetipsofmyfingers,burstingfrommymouthlikeashout.
Iwouldjumpinfrontofabusforthisman.Takeabullet.Fightamob.Iwoulddefendhimtothedeath,killsomeoneforsomuchaslookingathimwrong.
Iwantedtogobackintimeandpunchmyselfinthefaceforcausinghimevenamomentofunhappiness.Mydevotiontohimshotadrenalineintomysystem,mademefeelfrantictofindhimsoIcouldthankhim,eventhoughthankinghimwasn’tandneverwouldbeenough.
Imusthavelookedhysterical,tearingthroughthehallwayssobbing,throwingopendoors,mascararunningdownmyface.Itfeltlikeadream.Oneoftheoneswhereyourlegswon’tmovefastenoughandyoucan’tfindwhatyou’relookingfor.
Andthentherehewas.
Hewascomingdownthehallwayfromthedirectionofthelockerrooms.Thisbeautiful,benevolentangelofaman.
Iranathim,grabbedhimbythehand,andyankedhimtowardasupplycloset.
“Uh…”hesaid,lettinghimselfbedragged.“Whatarewe—”
Ipulledhimintothesmallroomandshutthedoorbehindme,panting.
Hestaredatme.“Areyouokay?”
Igaspedforamomentbeforeblurtingitout.“AreyouBenny’skidneydonor?”
Iwatchedthequestionmoveacrosshisface.
Ishookmyhead.“Iknowyoudon’twantanyonetoknow.AndIwon’ttellanyone.NotevenBenny.ButIhavetoknow,formyself,ifit’syou.Please.Isityou?”Myvoicecrackedonthelastword.
Hepeeredatmequietly.Themomentstretchedathousandyears.
Itriedtoreadhisexpression,triedtogleantheanswerfromtheticinhisjawortheresignedsetofhiseyebrows,thesearchinginhiskindbrowneyes.Ihadtoknow,Ihadtoknow.
Iwatchedhislipspartandthenhesaidit:“Yes.”
Ithrewmyselfathim.Chapter17
Jacob
Shedoveatme.
IcaughtherandstaggeredbackafewfeetbeforeIregainedmybalance.
ShehuggedmelikeI’veneverbeenhuggedinmylife.Itwaslikeshewascollapsingattheendofafinishline.
“Thankyou,”shesobbed.“Thankyouthankyouthankyou.”
“I…it’sokay,”Isaid.“Iwantedto.”
Sheweptintomyneck,andmyinstinctwastowrapherinmyarmsandcomforther,eventhoughIknewtheseweren’tsadtears.AndwhenIfoldedthemaroundher,sheclutchedmetighterandeverythingIwasgoingtodo,theorgandonation,thesurgery,therecovery,wasworthitforthisonemomentalone.
I’dthoughtthatanyshowofgratitudewouldmakemeuncomfortable.ButforsomereasonIdidn’tminditnowthatitwashappening,andIthinkitwasbecauseitwashappeningwithher
Ilikedher.
AndIlikedmakingherhappyandIlikedseeingherthiswayandIlikedthishug.
ItoccurredtomethatIhadn’tbeenhugged—really,reallyhugged—sinceAmy.Andeventhen,Icouldn’trememberthelasttimewe’dheldeachotherinanywaythatfeltlikethis.She’dbeensofrustratedwithmeandI’dfeltsodistantfromher,theintimacyhadendedlongbeforetherelationshipdid.
I’dbeendeprivedofthisbasichumancontactandnowthatIhaditagain,IrealizedhowmuchIneededit.AsIbreathedout,BrianafilledinthespaceandIjustfelt…still.Calm.Grounded.
“Iwasn’tevennicetoyou,”shewhisperedintomyneck.
“You’renicetome,”Isaidquietly.
Shepulledawayandpeeredupatmewithweteyes,herchinquivering.“Jacob,howcanIeverthankyouforthis?Therearenowords.”
IduginmypocketandhandedheratissuefromthepackIalwayscarried.
Shetookitanddabbedunderherlashes.“Thankyou.”
Shewascalmingdownalittle.Catchingherbreath.
Istudiedherwhilesheregainedhercomposure.Sobeautiful.Evencrying,shewasbeautiful.IfeltlikeIshouldlookawayfromher,butIdidn’tevenknowhow.Istillfeltthehug,eventhoughitwasover,anditdisabledsomethinginsideofmeagain,justthewayshedidthatfirstdayinBenny’shospitalroom.Iwasrenderedfrozenandspeechlessandcompletelyathermercy,andIhadtowonderwithatouchofaweandamusementifshehadbewitchedme.IfIwasundersomespell.BecauseI’dneverfeltlikethisbefore,thiscompelledtodosomethingforsomeoneIjustmet,thisdrawntoanyone.
Maybeshe’dstartedthatcovenafterall.
Shesniffledandlookedupatme.“Jacob,youhavechangedhiswholelife.Like,Iknowyouknow,butyoudon’tknow.Mybrotherisaliveagain.He’shimagain.”
Igaveherasoftsmile.“Good.”ThenItiltedmyhead.“Howdidyoufindout?”Iasked.
Shewipedunderhereyes.“Gibson.Ithinkheslipped.”
Inodded.“Ah.”
Iguessthatwasafairmistake.Hedidn’tknowIwasdonatinganonymously.Ihadn’tevenseenhimyettoday.
We’dmanagedtokeepthisunderwrapsforanentiretwelvehours.
“Iwouldreallyappreciateitifyoudidn’ttellanyoneelse,”Isaid.
Sheshookherhead.“Iwon’t.IpromiseyouIwon’t.Areyoumadathimfortellingme?”
Islippedmyhandsintomypockets.“No.Itwasanhonestmistake.”
“Youshouldtexthimandtellhim.He’sprobablyfreakingout.”Shesniffed.
Inodded.“Okay.”
Shegazedintomyeyes.“Doyouknowwhattodayis,Jacob?”sheasked,peeringupatme.“It’sthedaymydivorceisfinal.Idon’tknowifyouknewthat,thatIwasmarried?”
“Youhadaweddingringinsomeofyourpictures.”
Shenodded,lookingdownatthetissueinherhands.“Ididn’tthinkthattherewasanythingthatcouldhavemadetodayokay.”Hereyescamebackuptomine.“Butthenthishappened.”Shesmiledupatme,blinkingthroughtears.“Thisisoneofthebestdaysofmylife,ononeoftheworstdaysofmylife.AndallI’mgoingtorememberwhenIthinkaboutitisyouandwhatyou’vedone.Thankyousomuch.”Shechokedonthelastword.
Ididn’tknowwhattosay.SoIdidn’tsayanythingatall.
Silencewasalwaysmydefaultresponse.Sometimesthingsareeasiertounderstandwhenunsaid.Sometimeswordscomplicatethingsandmakethemmurky.Thismomentdidn’tneedthem.
Wejuststoodthere.Mewithmyhandsinmypocketsandherdabbingathereyes,gratitudecomingoffherinwaves
ForsolongI’dwantedthiskindofadmirationfromAmy—andeventhiswasn’treallyreal.Brianawasjustgratefulandexcited,anditwouldwearoff.Butitfeltgoodanyway.
Myphonechirpedinthesilence.
Iclearedmythroat.“ThatmightbeGibson.Ishouldprobablycheckit.”
Ipulledoutmycellandsighedlookingatit.AmissedcallfromBrianathatIhadn’theardandfivetextsfromMom.Shewasaskingabouttonight.
Imusthavebeenmakingaface,becauseBrianasaidsomething.
“Everythingokay?”
Idraggedahanddownmymouth.“No.It’sjustthatfamilythingIwasgoingtotellyouabout.”
“What?Whatisit?AnythingIcanhelpwith?”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.Theirony.
“What?”sheasked.
Ishookmyhead.“Nothing.”
“No,what?”
Itippedmyheadbackandstaredattheceiling.“Thisactuallyissomethingyoucouldhelpmewith.Butthere’snowayI’maskingyou.”
“Uh,thehellyouaren’t,”shesaid.“Like,Idon’twanttobedramatic,butIwouldliterallydieforyourightnow.Whatdoyouneed?”
Ilookedbackather.“Ican’t.It’stooridiculoustoentertain.”
“Tryme.Entertainingridiculousismyspecialty.I’mreallygoodatit.”
Ilaughedalittle.ThenIletoutabreath.“Ineedagirlfriendforafewmonths.”
Shestaredatme.
Iputupahand.“Notlikethat.Tocomewithmetosomeweddingstuff.IneedmyfamilytothinkI’minarelationship.Mybrotherisgettingmarried.Tomyex-girlfriend.”
Shegavemeaweirdlook.“Toyour…ex-girlfriend.”
“Wedatedforalittleovertwoandahalfyears.Brokeuplastyear.Theystarteddatingthreemonthslaterandgotengagedafewweeksago.Thewedding’sinJuly.IneedthemtothinkI’vemovedon.”
“Why?”
Ilookedawayfromheramoment,tryingtofigureouthowtoexplainit.WhenIcamebacktoher,Iheldhergaze.
“Leavingme,choosinghimwasnoteasyforher.Mysistersdidn’tspeaktothemforsixmonths,andmyparentsalmostdisownedhim.Ittoremyentirefamilyapartforthebetterpartofayear.They’reallgoingtolooktometodecidehowtoact.IfI’mupset,they’llbeupset,andI’malreadydoingeverythinginmypowertohidemyfeelings.TheyneedtothinkI’mhappyandmovedon.IfI’malone,they’llspendthenextthreemonthswaitingforacrackinmyfa?adetodecidetohatethemboth.Itwilltakeawayfromherhappiness.AndIdon’twantthat.”
Shelookedatmeincredulously.“Shewaitedthreewholemonthstostartdatingyourbrotherandyouwanthertobehappy?”
“Iloveher,”Isaid.“OfcourseIwanthertobehappy.”
Somethinginherexpressionwentsoft.“Well,youareamuchnicerpersonthanIam,JacobMaddox.Whenpeoplegolowonme,Igolower.”
Ilaugheddespitemyself.
“Soyou’renotoverher,then,”shesaid.Itwasn’taquestion,itwasastatement.
Ipaused.Itwascomplicatedand,tobehonest,evenIwasn’tentirelysureoftheanswer.
Myfeelingsweremuddiedbytoomanythings.Theincompletewayitended,therejectionIfelt,thebetrayalofherdatingsomeoneelsesoquicklyandthatmanbeingJeremiah.Butforthesakeofsimplifying,Isaid,“No.Iamnot.”
Shepursedherlipsandnodded.“Okay.Soyouthinkthey’llbuyit?Usdating?”sheasked.
“Theyalreadydo.Whenmysistersawusinthesupplycloset,sheassumed.Ididn’tcorrecther.Isortofpanicked.I’msorry.”
Shecrossedherarms.“SowhatexactlywouldIneedtodo?”
“Meetmyfamily.Comewithmetomonthlydinnersattheirhouse.Thentheengagementparty,rehearsaldinner,wedding.That’sit.”
“I’min.”
Iblinkedather.“I…youare?”
“Totally.Andit’snoteventhekidneything.Iwouldhavedoneitanyway.”
Ipulledmyfaceback.“Youwould?Why?”
“IwouldhavegivenaneyetohaveadatetomybestfriendAlexis’sweddinglastyear.SomerandonamedDougfollowedmearoundthewholetimewithaguitar.Hesangme‘MoreThanWords’byExtreme.Twice.Iseriouslydebatedfakingmyowndeathjustsoitwouldendsooner.Nobodyshouldeverbeforcedtogotoaweddingalone.”
Shedrewasmileoutofme,butthenIwentseriousagain.“Areyousure?”Iasked.
“Verysure.”
Ipeeredather.“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Thistakessomuchstressoffofme.”
“Good.Wegottatakecareofthatkidney.”
Imadeanamusedsoundandshegrinned.
“Sowhen’sthefirstthing?”sheasked.
“Tonight.”
Sheblanched.“Tonight?!”
“It’sfamilydinnernight.JeremiahandAmywon’tbethere.They’reinvited,butit’sherdad’sbirthday.It’stheonlyeventwhereyouwon’thavetomeetmyfamilyandmyexatthesametime.Wecanwaituntiltheengagementpartyifyouwant,butitmightbealot,meetingeveryoneatonce.”
Shepursedherlips,thinking,thennodded.“Okay.Icandotonight.Areyoupickingmeup?”
“I’llpickyouup.”
Shetookastepcloserandlookedatme.“Jacob,Iamgoingtobethebestgirlfriendyou’veneverhad.”Chapter18
Briana
I’dhadtocancelondinnerwithAlexis.Icouldn’texplaintoherwhyIwassuddenlyhonorboundtobesomewhereelsetonight,soIjusttoldherthesecondtruth.Ihadadatewithahotguy.Shewasmorethanhappytogohomeearlyonthosegrounds.PlusIthinkshemissedDaniel.
Iranhomeafterworkandgotready.AlexishaddoneBenny’sdialysisformebeforesheleft,whichwasperfectbecauseIwasonatightturnaround.Ipickedacutegraytopwithsomejeans.Didmyhairandmakeup,andJacobpickedmeupinablackF-150atexactlyeighto’clock.
Iwasgoingtodoanythingheneededtomakethisfake-girlfriendthingwork.IwasabouttoputonanOscar-worthyperformancethelikesofwhichHollywoodhasneverseen.IwassocommittedIwouldtattoohisnameacrossmyboob.Poseforfakeengagementphotosifhewantedthem.Hell,I’dfakeadamnwedding.
IsawhimarriveintheRingDoorbell,sowhenJacobcameupthewalkwaytogetme,Iwasalreadycomingout.Ididn’twanttoinvitehimintoseethetimecapsuleIcurrentlylivedin.
“Hey,”Isaid,squeezingoutthecrackinthedoorandclosingthescreenbehindme.
“Hey.Readytogo?”
HewaswearingjeansandathinblackV-necksweaterwiththesleevesrolledup.Veryhandsome.
“Ibroughtabottleofwine,”Isaid,holdingupachardonnay.
“They’lllovethat,”hesaid,slippinghishandsinhispockets.
Helookedalittlenervous.Hisjawwastight.
Ipeeredaroundhimathistruck.LieutenantDanhadhisheadouttheopenbackwindow.
“Youbroughtyourdog!”
Jacoblookedoverhisshoulder.“Yeah.Itakehimeverywhere.”
IjoggeddownthewalkwaytopethimwithJacobfollowingbehindme.
“He’ssocute,”Isaid,rufflingthedog’shead.Hewaggedhistailandmadeanexcitedpuppynoise.“Ididn’treallytakeyouforatruckguy,”Isaid,scratchingLieutenantDan’sear.
Jacobwassmilingalittle,butitdidn’treachhiseyes.“I’mfixingupthecabin.Ineededthebed.”
Helookedathiswatch.“Weshouldgetgoing.Ithinkwe’regoingtobethelastonesthere.”
“Okay.”
Heopenedmydoorformeandthenwentaroundtothedriver’ssideandgotin.
“Sowhere’syourparents’house?”Iasked,gettingbuckled.
“Edina,”hesaid,firinguptheengine.
Inodded.“Hmmm.Fancy.”Probablyanicehouse.NotlikewhereIlived.
Theoutsideofmyhousewasjustasuglyanddilapidatedastheinside.Thelawnwasallcrabgrassandcrackedwalkwayandoldpaint.IwassortofgladJacobdidn’tsayanythingaboutit.
“Wheredoyourparentslive?”heasked,makingaleftoutofmyneighborhood.
“MymomlivesinArizonawithhernewhusband,Gil.Idon’thavearelationshipwithmydad.Thisisgood,”Isaid.“Askmemorequestions.Weshouldtrytoknowasmuchabouteachotheraswecanbeforewegetthere.”
“Goodidea.”
“Sohowdidwemeet?”Isaid.“They’llprobablyaskus.”
“ItoldthemImovedhospitalstobeclosertomygirlfriend.Sothatmeanswehadtohavemetafewmonthsagoandwecouldn’thavemetatRoyaume.”
“Okay.Whydon’twesaythatBennycameintoyourERatMemorialWestandthat’showwemet.”
Henodded.“Ilikethat.Butlet’snotsaywhichERsotechnicallyit’stherealstory.Ithinkweshouldtryandsticktothetruthasmuchaswecan.Keepthingsassimpleaspossible.”
“Iagree.Dotheyknowyou’redonatingakidney?”Iasked,lookingoverathim.
Heshookhishead.“Iwasn’tgoingtotellthem.ButonlybecauseIdidn’twantittogetbacktoyou.MymomisfriendswithJessica.AndZander.AndGibson.”
“Areyougoingtotellthemnow?”
Heshrugged.“IguessIcould,”hesaid,gettingonthefreeway.“Noreasontohideitfromthematthispoint.Hey,areyouallergictonuts?”heasked.
“No.Howaboutyou?Anyfoodallergies?Stuffyoudon’tlike?”
“Ihatewell-doneeggs.Can’tstandthesmell.AndIdon’tlikedill.Otherthanthat,thereisn’tmuchIwon’ttry.Whataboutyou?”
“Ithinkyogurtisgross.Andcantaloupemakesmythroatitch.”
“Noyogurt,nocantaloupe.”Heglancedatme.“SowhattimedoIneedtohaveyouback?AreyoudoingBenny’sdialysis?”
“Mybestfrienddiditformebeforesheleft.”Ismiled.“BennywasgonebeforeIgothome.He’soutwithfriendscelebrating.Heshavedandeverything.Therewasbeardhairalloverthesink.Ididn’tthinkI’deverbesoexcitedtohavetocleanthatshitupagain.”
“Hedoesn’tcleanuphisownbeardhair?”heasked,changinglanes.
“Doesanyman?Imean,youguysthinkyoudo.Youdothewet-toilet-paperwipe-downthingandcallitaday.”
“Iactuallydocleanupmybeardhair,”hesaid.
“Uh-huh.I’llbelieveitwhenIseeit.Whichremindsme,what’syourhouselike?Ishouldprobablyknow.”
“Small.One-bedroomandaroomforplants.”
“Forplants?”
“Ilikeplants,”hesaid.“Doyoulikeplants?”
“Imean,yeah.Aslongasit’snotmetakingcareofthem.I’vekilledacactus.”
“Didyouoverwaterit?”
“Ididn’twateritatall.Iforgotitexisted.Mykitchenwindowsillismoreuninhabitablethanadesert,apparently.”
Helookedamused.
Wedroveforafewmoreminutesandpulledintoaniceneighborhood.LieutenantDangotupandputhisfacebetweenustolookoutthewindshieldlikeheknewwherehewas.
“Doyoucometoyourparents’housealot?”Iasked,pettingthedog.
“We’reaclosefamily.Igothere,theycomeover.”
HerubbedhisforeheadandIeyedhim.“Areyouokay?”
Heletoutabreath.“Justgettingalittleheadache.Grindingmyteeth.”
Thenhedidasuddendoubletakeoutthewindshield.Hepulledthetruckoverimmediatelyandputitinpark.
“What’sup?”Iasked.
“Ihavetogetsomething.”Hepulledsomerubberglovesandatrashbagfromtheglovebox.
“Uh…whatdoyouhavetoget?”Iasked,lookingaroundthestreethe’dstoppedon.Itwasresidential.Nothingofnote.
“I’llberightback.”
Hegotout,andIturnedtowatchhimcomearoundtherearofthetruck.Istaredperplexedashecrouchedandstartedlookingataraccooncarcassinthegutter.Hewasliftingthearmsandturningitover.Thenheputitintohistrashbag.
Irolleddownmywindow.“Uh,theyhavepeoplewhotakecareofthat?”
“It’sfresh,it’sagoodone,”hecalled.
“Okay?Andthat’simportantwhy?”
Hetosseditinthebedofthetruckandcamebackaroundtothedriver’ssideandgotbackin,peelingoffhisgloves.“Sorry.Ineededtogetthatformydad.”
Istaredathim.“Youneededtobringyourdadanunaliveraccoon,”Ideadpanned.
Heputonhisseatbelt.“Mydad’sataxidermist.He’sbeenlookingforagoodraccoontomount.”
Iblinkedathim.“Andyoucouldn’thaveledwiththatsoIwasn’tafraidIwasonadrivewithaserialkiller?”
Heglancedatmeandjustnowseemedtonoticethelookonmyface.“I’msorry.Thatwasweird.”Helookedalittleembarrassed.“IshouldhaveexplaineditbeforeIgotout.Sorry.Ijust…I’mnervousandwhenI’mnervousI…Isometimesmisssteps.”
Hehadhishat-in-hand,puppy-doglookagain.Thatvulnerableexpressionlikehe’ddonesomethingwrong.
Ifeltmyfacesoften.“Don’tbenervous.We’vegotthis.It’sgoingtobefine.”
Helookedatmelikehedidn’tbelieveme.
“Itwill.Anddon’tworryabouttheraccoonthing.Tobehonest,thisisn’teventhecreepiestthingI’veeverhadhappenonadate.You’reallgood.”
Helaugheddespitehimself.Thenhewentalittleseriousagainandlookedawayfromme.“Idon’twantyoutothinkthatIdothisoften.”
“Roadkill?”
Hecamebacktome.“No.Lietomyfamily.”
Ipivotedinmyseattolookathimstraighton.“Jacob,youdonotneedtotellmewhatkindofpersonyouare.Iknow.”
Hegazedatmealongmoment.Thatquiet,thoughtfullookhegavemesometimes,andIrealizedthatbehindthatexpressionwasprobablythewheelsofhisbrain,workingovertime.Tryingtoassessthesituation,worrying,overthinkinglikeIknewBennyalwaysdid.Hisanxietypingingaround.Aclawinginternalpanicnobodyelsecouldsee.
ButIcouldseeit.BecauseI’dseenitinmybrotherhiswholelife.
Ithinkthat’swhyBenny’sdiagnosiswassohardonmybrother.Hewasn’tjustlivingwhatwashappening.Hewaslivingwhatmighthappen.Aninfinitenumberofwhat-ifs,fueledbyhisanxiety,eachoneexperiencedliketheyweregoingonsimultaneously,eatingawayathim,terrifyinghim,tormentinghim.Andoncehestarteddownthatpath,itwassohardtostoptheprogression.Itwasaself-perpetuatingcycleofemotionaldestruction.
OnethatJacob’sselflessgesturehadknockedoffitstrajectory.
JacobhadgivenBennyareasontostoptheinsidescreamingandlookatjustonewayforwardinsteadofallthepossibleworst-casescenarioshisbraincouldconjure.He’dgivenhimhope.Andindoingthat,hegavehisrestlessmindpeace.
AndIcouldsee,inthisonequietmomentinthistruck,thatthescreamingwasgoingoninsideofJacob.Hedidn’thavetosayawordformetoknowit.Hewasworriedwhatwasgoingtohappenwithhisfamilytoday.HewasworriedwhatIthoughtofhim.Hewasdealingwiththefactthathisexwasmarryinghisbrother,andhewasprobablyafraidwe’dgetcaughtinthislie.
Idecidedrightthenandtherethatmyjobwasgoingtobetoquietitalldown.Iwouldbeabuffer.Anemotionalsupportperson.Iwouldthrowmyselfoverhimlikeabulletproofvest.Wraphimupinmyprotection.
“Look,everythingisgoingtobeokay,”Isaid.“We’reready.Mycheekbonesarecontoured.We’vegotwineandthedeadthing…”
Thecornerofhislipquirkedupthetiniestbit.
“We’regoingtosmile,andeat,nobodyisgoingtoknowwhatwe’redoing,andit’sgoingtobefine.Trustme.”
Heletoutalongbreaththroughhisnose.“Okay.”
Thistimeheseemedtobelieveit.Oratleastheappearedtowanttobelieveit.
Hedroveusanotherfewblocks,andwepulledupinfrontofanicetwo-storyhousewithhalfadozencarsparkedinthedriveway.Hesatstaringupatthehomethroughthewindshield.
“It’sgoingtobechaosinthere,”hesaidalmosttohimself.
“Okay.I’mgoodinchaos.”
“I’mnot,”hemumbled.
Icockedmyheadathim.“Doyouwanttoplayagame?”
Hearchedaneyebrow.“Agame?”
“Yeah.Ithinkyou’lllikeit.IusedtoplayitwithBennywhenwe’dgotostufflikethis.”
“Okay…”
“Igiveyouacatchphrase.Andyouhavetoworkitintoaconversation.Thesecondyoudo,you’reallowedatime-outfrompeopling.Wegositonthestairswiththedogorsomething.”
Heeyedme.“Acatchphrase?Likewhat?”
Itwistedmylipsandlookedsideways.“Liiiike,‘Notonmywatch,’”IsaidinafakeBritishaccent.
Hesmiledalittle.
“Bennylikeditbecauseitgavehimagoalanditforcedhimtotalktopeople.”
Heseemedthoughtful.“Allright.I’lltryit.”
“Sweet!”Igotunbuckled.“Anylast-minutetips?”
“Yeah,don’tgiveGrandpaanycigarettes,nomatterwhathesays.He’sveryconvincing.Anddonotunderanycircumstancesbringupsextoystomymom.Youwillneverescapetheconversation.Noonewillbeabletosaveyou.”
“Uh,Isomehowdon’tthinksextoysaregoingtocomeupwhileI’mtalkingtoyourmom.”
“Ithinkyou’dbesurprisedhoweasilysheworksitin,”hemuttered.HeputhisshouldertothedoorandgotouttogetLieutenantDan.
Igrabbedmypurseandmethimaroundthefrontofthetruck.“Shouldweholdhands?”Iasked,myvoicelow.“Like,comingupthewalkway?Incasesomeone’slookingoutthewindoworthere’saRingDoorbellorsomething?”
Heshookhishead.“Idon’tthinkyoushouldhavetotouchmeaspartofthisdeal.Ithinkwecanpullthisoffwithoutit.”
“Idon’tmindit.”
Heshookhishead.“Ithinkwe’llbeallright.”
Whenwegottothefrontdoor,hedidn’tknock.Itwasunlockedandheletusin.ItwaslikesteppingintoaDave&Buster’s.Music,laughing,kidsscreaming,avideogameturneduptooloud,ablenderrunning.Thewarmsmellofcookingfood.
AparrotflewthroughthevestibuleandIducked.“Whoa!”
Itlandedontopofthecoatrackandsquawked,“MOTHERFUCKER!”atthetopofitslungs.
“Sorry,”Jacobsaid,alreadylookingflustered.“That’sJafar.”
Thentwochildrendartedtousfromoutofnowhere.“UncleJJ!”theycalledinunison.
Jacobsmiledandcrouchedtocatchtheminabearhugandhoistthemup.ThekidswrappedtheirarmsaroundJacob’sneck.“Whatsocks?”
Jacobsmiled,hishoneyeyescreasingatthecorners.“Frogs,likeyousaid.”
“Yay!”
Heturnedsotheycouldseeme.“Carter,Katrina,thisisBriana.”
Thelittleboylookedoveratme.“Hello.”
Ismiled.“Hi.”
Thelittlegirlpeeredatmecuriously.“You’repretty.”
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“Ilikeyournecklace.”
Shedidn’treply.TheywiggledoutofJacob’sarmslikethey’dexchangedsomeunspokenagreementtotakeoff.Theyhitthefloorandweregone,yellingliketowncriersthatUncleJJwasherewithsomegirlwithlonghair.
Jacoblookedatme.“ThoseareJewelandGwen’stwins.Andthat’sgoingtobetheeasiestintroductionofthenight.”
“Theanimal-socksthingisverycute,”Isaid.
“Sometimestheycan’tagree,andIhavetoweartwodifferentones.”
Ilaughed.
Thenadultsstartedstreamingintothevestibule.Theycamedownthehallwayinawaveofhumanityandfannedoutaroundme,allsmilesandexcitedgreetings.
IcouldpracticallyfeelJacob’sbodytensenexttome,andIhadaknee-jerkurgetoreachoverandsqueezehishandtolethimknowIwasokay,butIdidn’tgetthechancebecausetheyedgedhimouttogetclosetome.Iwascompletelysurrounded.Acatstartedrubbingonmylegs,thetwinsskippedaroundthethrong,andJafarsquawkedobscenitiesfromthecoatrackaspeoplestartedshakingmyhand,introducingthemselvesfasterthanIcouldkeepup.
Ayoung,prettygirlnamedJaneinapinksundress.Jewel,whoI’dalreadymet;herwife,Gwen,ablue-hairedAsianwomanwithanosering.Jill,apetitewomanwithJacob’sauburnhairincapripantsandaconservativewhiteblouse,andherburlyhusband,Walter,aBlackmanwearingaT-shirtforapit-bullrescue.Anoldmanonoxygeninanelectricwheelchairrolledinandbumpedintomylegandthensatthereglaringupatmeinsilence.SomeoneintroducedhimasGrandpa.HeignoredmewhenIsaidhello.
ThemanwhoIassumedwasJacob’sdadhoveredbehindthecrowdlikehewaswaitingforthechaostosettlebeforehesaidhi.Andthenanolderwomaninaflowingpaisleytopwithdanglingearringsandarmsfullofjinglingbellbraceletspartedthecrowdandcamerightinforahug.
I’dsaythatallofthiswouldbeoverwhelming,exceptthatwhenMomtookusbacktoElSalvadortovisit,Ididthisexactthingtimesahundredateverysinglefamilygathering.Ittookafullhourjusttowalkaroundandsayhitoallmycousinsandtheirfamilies.Thiswasnothing.Andtheruleswereuniversalandsimple:Yousmiled,acknowledgedeveryone,andaskedhowyoucouldhelpwithwhatevertheyweredoing.Iknewhowtohandlethisandwascompletelyrelaxed.ButaglanceatJacobtoldmehewasonthevergeofapanicattackonmybehalf.Igavehimareassuringsmileoverhismom’sshoulderbeforeshepulledaway.
“I’mJoy,”thewomansaid,grinningwarmlyatme.Shelookedalittlefamiliar,butIcouldn’tplaceit.MaybeshejustlookedlikeJacob?“It’ssuchapleasuretomeetyou,”shesaid.
Ismiled.“Youtoo.”
Theoldermanmadehismoveastherestofthecrowdstartedtodispersebackintothehouse.Hecameupnexttohiswife.“I’mGreg,Jacob’sdad.Sopleasedtohaveyou.”
Jacoblookedalotlikehisdad.Theysortofhadthesamemellowenergy.
InoddedtoJacob,whohadsteppedintostandnexttomenowthattherewasroom.“Wepickeduparaccoonforyouonthewayover,”Isaid.
Greglitup.“Youdid?”
“It’sinthetruck,”Jacobsaid.
Hisdadrubbedhishandstogether.“Well,let’sgetit.”
GregedgedpastmeandleftoutthefrontdoorwithJacob,leavingmewithGrandpa,thedog,andJoy.
Atimerwentoffsomewhere.
Joylookedtowardthesound.“Oh,Ineedtogopullthat.”Shegesturedformetofollow.“Comeon,we’llgetyouadrink,”shesaid,alreadyheadingdownthehallwithLieutenantDanatherheels.
Isnappedmyfingers.“Shoot,”Isaid,remembering.“WeleftthewineinJacob’struck.Letmerunandgrabthatrealquick.”
“Okay.Kitchen’sdownthishallway,”shecalled,stillwalking.ThenshedisappearedaroundadoorwayandIwasalonewiththeoldman.
Ismiledathimandheglaredatme.“GivemeacigaretteorI’lltellJacobyou’rehittin’onme.Yougotfiveminutes.”
Ichokedonalaugh.“What?”
“Onecigaretteandyourollmeouttothegazeboandcoverforme.”
Ishookmyheadathim.“Sir,youareonoxygen.”
“Whatthehellisittoyou?I’mgonnakickthebucketanyway!I’mhalfdeadalready.Onecigarette.Ifyougetmeawholepack,I’llgiveyoumyPurpleHeart.”
Ihadtofighttokeepmyfacestraight.“I’mafraidIcan’tdothatforyou.”
Henarrowedhiswateryeyes.
JustthenJacoblethimselfbackintothevestibuleholdingthewinefromthetruck.Hisdadwasn’twithhim.Grandpajabbedafingeratme.“She’shittin’onme!”
Jacobpaused,lookingbackandforthbetweenus.
“It’strue,”Isaid.“He’shandsome.Ican’thelpmyself.”
Theoldmanscowled.Hemadealittlefakelungeatmewithhischair.Thenheturned,pinningmewithanimpressivenonblinkingglare,andlefttheroom
Iturnedtomyfakedateandsmiled.Thiswasseriouslysomuchfun.
Jacobsetthewinedownonthebenchbythedoor,lookingexhausted.“I’msorry.”
Ilaughed.“Forwhat?”
“That?”HenoddedinthedirectionGrandpahadwheeledoffin.
“Whosayshe’slying?”
Heletoutasnort.
“Itoldyouitwasgoingtobealot,”hesaid.
“Jacob,Ihavetwenty-twofirstcousinsinElSalvador,”Isaid,takingoffmyshoesandsettingthemnexttoeveryoneelse’s.“Thisisnothing.Youshouldjustrelax.”
Inoddedtothewayhecame.“Youshouldgodostuffwithyourdadorsomething.Skinyourdeadraccoon.I’llhangoutwithyourmominthekitchen.”
Heshookhishead.“No.Idon’twanttoleaveyoualonewiththem.”
“What’sgonnahappen?”
Heslippedhishandsintohispocketsandpeeredatmewordlessly,andIimaginedthosewheelsturningagain,runningthrougheveryscenariothatcouldpossiblyendindisaster.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Thencomewithme.Butchillout.I’mhavingagoodtime.”
Heclearlydidn’tbelieveme.
Isighed.IwasgladI’dmadetonightworkbecauseifthiswastoomuch,thenextonewiththebrotherandtheexwouldhavebeenadisaster.
Thisplacewasanintrovert’snightmareforsure.Loud,overcrowded.Lotsofsocialexpectationscrammedintoatinywindowoftimecoupledwiththestressofintroducinganewpersontohisfamily.Theworrythatwewouldn’tpulloffthischarade.
Thenexttimehewouldn’thavethatpressurebecausewewillhavegottenitoutoftheway.He’dstillhavetodealwithalltherestofit,butatleastthetwoofuswouldhaveworkedoutthekinksofthisarrangementbythen.
Inoddedtothehouse.“Comeon.Givemeatour.”
Isuggestedthisonpurposetogivehimachancetodecompressbeforewejoinedthegroupagain.Icouldtellimmediatelyitwastherightthing.Heletoutabreaththatsoundedrelievedandnoddedformetofollowhim.
Thehousewasenormous.Igotthefeelingitwasthefamilyhub.Itwasbuiltforentertaining.Thebasementhadafullbarandsodidthepool.TherewasawaterslideandapoolhousewithaniceoutdoorBBQ.Theyhadamovieroomandaverycomfy,verylargelivingroomwherethetwinswereplayingonaPlayStation.Abigdiningroomwithatablethatseatedtwentyandlotsofguestrooms.
“Didyoueverlivehere?”Iaskedaswestrolledpasttheopendoorofaguestroomstrewnwiththetwins’toys
“Igrewuphere.”
“Ohhhh,”Isaid,turningtosmileathim.“Showmeyourroom.”
“It’snotthesameaswhenIwasakid.Dadusesitnow,”hesaid.
“Istillwanttoseeit.”
Istoppedatabookshelfoffthehallway.Therewereframedphotostuckedinwiththebooks—apictureofJacobineighthgrade.Hishairstuckupeverywhichwayandhehadbracesandanoverbite.
Damn.Pubertyhitthismanlikeabus.Theglowupwasunreal
“Oh,lookatthat,”Isaid,spottingabookIknew.“LoveShowsUp.Ireadthis.”Itappedthespine.
“Momwrotethat.”
Ifroze.“What?”
“She’sacouplescounselorandsextherapist.Bestsellingauthor.ShehasaPhDinclinicalsexology.She’salsoaboard-certifiedOB-GYN.”
Iturnedslowlytostareathiminhorror.ThenIhustledhimintothenearestroomandclosedthedoorbehindus.
“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding,”Iwhispered.
Heblinkedatmeinconfusion.
“YourmomisDr.J.Maddox?Aworld-renownedrelationshipexpert?Areyouserious,Jacob?Youdidn’tfeellikethiswassomethingyoushouldhavementioned?”
Helookedpositivelybaffled.
Ishookmyheadathim.“Itisliterallyherjobtocallbullshitonus.”
“Itoldherwewerenew—”
“Jacob,Idon’tevenknowwhatyourpenislookslike.”
“Well,I’mnotshowingittoyou—”
“I’mnotasking!I’mmakingapoint!”
Iputahandtomychest.“IthoughtIwasgonnagethereandyourdadwasgoingtocallmeBrendaorBiancathewholetimeandthey’dmakesmalltalkwithmeandthenI’dgohomeandwe’dhavethreemoreweeksbeforetheengagementpartytoperfectouract.Andinsteadwe’reinatwo-hourcouples-counselingconsultationwithabestsellingsexexpert.She’sgoingtotakeonelookatmeandknowI’veneverseenyounaked.She’sgonnaseeitallovermyface!”Ilookedathimbleakly.
Heseemedtomullthisover.“Maybewehaven’thadsexyet.Maybewe’retakingitslow.”
Ishookmyhead.“No.Noway.We’vedefinitelyhadsex.YousupposedlymovedtoRoyaumetobeclosertomeandwehaven’tevenslepttogetheryet?Howisthatinanywaybelievable?Thewholepointistomakethemthinkwe’resuperintoeachother.HowareyougoingtobeoverAmyifyou’renothavinghot,kinkysexwithyournewgirlfriend?!”
Hestartedsmiling.
“Thisisn’tfunny!”
“It’salittlefunny.”
“No!Andwhatisthisroom?!”Iasked,throwingmyarmsout.
Athousandmarbleeyesstaredoutatme.Itwasfulloftaxidermy.FULL.Anditwasweird
Asquirrelinacowboyhatandchapsridingaturtle.Awhitemousedressedinawizardrobeandglassesreadingabook,arabbitwithantlers,aferretinalittlebathtubscrubbinghisbackwithaloofa.AdeadcoyotedressedlikeFlofromtheProgressivecommercials.Shehadthebouffanthaircutandredlipstickandeverything.Itwasprettyhilarious,butstill.
“Thisismyoldroom.ThisisDad’sstuff,”Jacobsaid.“It’swherehekeepshisnoveltypieces.”
Ibouncedbacktotheproblemathand.“Thisisacatastrophe,Jacob,”Iwhispered.“WhatifyourmomsendsmeafriendrequestonInstagram?There’snotonepictureofustogether.ItliterallylookslikeIdidn’texistuntiltoday.”Ishookmyhead.“Wejustwalkedinherelikerenegades.Idon’tknowenoughaboutyoutopullthisoff.Idon’tevenknowhowoldyouare.Doyousleepwiththefanon?Howdoyoutakeyourcoffee?Doyousnore?”
“I’mthirty-five.Isleepwiththefan,”hesaidcalmly.“Decafwhenmyanxietyishigh,creamandsugar,andnotthatIamaware.”
Ishookmyheadatthegorgeous,obliviousmanstandinginfrontofme,whowastotallynotgettingthegravityofthissituation.“YousaidyourmomknowsJessica?”Iasked.
“Yes.AndZanderandGibson.”
“We’regoingtohavetobetogetherinfrontofeveryone.We’regoingtohavetomaintainthatwe’redatingatwork.I’llhavetotellBenny.We’llneedtodisclosetherelationshiptoHR.”
Hisfacefell.
“It’sfine,I’mokaywithit,”Isaid.“It’sjustbiggerthanIthought.”
HopefullyJessicadidn’ttalktoJoytoomuchandthejumpfromIHateHimtoI’minLovewithHimdidn’tcomeup.
“We’regoingtohavetostepupourgame,Jacob.Bigtime.Inyourmom’sbookshesaidintimacyisinthesmallthings,”Iwhispered.“It’sputtingahandonmylowerbackwhenwewalkintoaroomorfacinginmydirectionwhenwe’retogether.You’regoingtohavetotouchme.Youhavetodoitonpurpose,butithastolooklikeyou’renoteventhinkingaboutit,liketouchingmeisjustnaturalforyoubecauseyoulikeit.AndI’mgoingtohavetodothesamething.”
Heputhishandsinhispockets.“Okay…”
“We’regoingtoneedtospendalotmoretimetogether,”Iwhispered.“Ifyourmomdoesn’tcallbullshitbytheendofthenight,Amywillinthreeweeksifwedon’tgetgoodatthis.I’mgoingtoneedtoseeyourhouse.You’regoingtoneedtosee…mine.”Igulpedonthelastword.“Youhavetohavelunchwithmeeveryday.”
IthoughtIsawthecornerofhisliptwitch.
“Maybeyoushouldcomeuptothecabin,”hesuggested.
“YES.Allthethings.”
Iletoutaslowbreath.“God.Nowonderyouwarnedmeaboutsextoys.”ThoughImightactuallywanttotalktoheraboutthat…
I’dreadJoy’sbook.Twice.Itwasgood.Sheknewherstuff.ItwasalsothebookthatmademerealizehowlittleI’dbeengettingfromNick.Howwrongthingshadbeenforsolong.I’dthoughtitwasme.IwastryingtofixsomethingwhenIdidn’tknowwherethebreakwas.
AndthenI’dfoundout.
“Weshouldgobackoutthere,”Isaid,chewingonmylip.
Great.NowIwasnervous.Webothwere.Perfect.
“I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhyIdidn’tthinkofit,”hesaidforlornly.
Iwavedhimoff,tryingnottofreakoutoverthefactthatIwasinDr.J.Maddox’shouse.Leaveittoamantocompletelymissthebroadstrokes.
Hestoodthereforanawkwardmomentlikehedidn’tknowwhattodonow.Thenheputoutahand,offeringittomelikehefeltsorrythatIhadtotakeit.
Ibreathedasighthroughmynoseathisapologeticexpression.Ididn’twanthimtofeelbadaboutthissituation.IwouldhaveagreedtohelphimevenifI’dknownabouthismom.TellingeveryoneIknewthatIhadaboyfriendwasjustanunexpectedpivot.Ihadn’tbeenreadyforhowfarthisperformanceneededtostretch.AndI’dmeantwhatI’dsaidoutside:Ididn’tmindthetouchingpart,thatwasn’tanissueformeatall.
Igavehimareassuringsmile.“It’sgoingtobefine,Jacob.We’llworkitout.”
IslippedmyhandintohiswaitingoneandwassurprisedwhenIgottheslightestflutterinmystomachatthecontact.
Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’dtouchedhim.I’dhuggedhimearlierinthesupplycloset,butthisfeltintimate,eventhoughitwasjustforshow.Ifeltatinyblushcreepupmyneck.
Iclearedmythroat.“Nokissingonthelips,”Iwhispered.
“Nokissing,”heagreed.
Thenmy“boyfriend”ledmeout.Chapter19
Jacob
Wewereinthekitchen.Jill,Jane,Jewel,andGwensatatthecounterdrinkingwineandcuttingpastafromscratchandhangingitonadryingrack.Walterwaswashingdishes,andMomwasstirringapot.Dadhadcomebackinfromhisworkshopandwasmakinggarlicbread.Grandpasatinhischairstaringattheyardthroughthewindow.Therewereappetizerssetout.Apenis-shapedcharcuterieboardthatMomgotforChristmasfromherbestfriend,andanEdibleArrangement.
Whenwecameintothekitchen,Brianahadimmediatelystarteddryingdishes
Thesecondshedid,Irelaxedalittle.Sheseemedtoinherentlyunderstandthecommunaleffortthatwasthefamilydinner.
Sheseemedtounderstandalotofthings.
Myanxietyhadcareenedbackinfullforceoverthelastfewhours.Asnowballgatheringmomentumateachunexpecteddevelopmentthatwasthisday.
Ihadn’tbeenbracedtobeoutedaboutthekidneydonation.Itwasfine,butitwasamentalgearchangethatIwasn’treadyfor.Andsowasthis“date”wewereon.
Ihadn’tplannedonaskingBrianatodothisforme,andnowitwashappening,andIhadn’tgottenthechancetoprocessanyofitorgetusedtotheideathatIwasactuallygoingthroughwiththisfarce.Andontopofthat,Ihadn’tanticipatedhowmuchIwasgoingtodislikewhatweweredoing.
I’dneverliedtomyfamilybefore.AndwhileIknewIwasdoingitforagoodreason,thefearofbeingdiscoveredwasenoughtosendmeintoaspiral.
Ifwepulleditoff,thedeceptionwouldserveeveryone.Butifwegotcaught,myfamilywouldknowhowdesperateIwas.They’dthinkI’dliedbecauseIwasn’toverAmyandIwasn’tokay.ThatI’dhadtomakeupanentiregirlfriendbecauseIcouldn’tfindarealone.Thepitywouldbeunbearable.Thestakeswereunbelievablyhigh.Andontopofthat,IfelthorribleforaskingthisofBriana.
Apartofmeknewshefeltobligatedtome,andIdidn’tlikethatbecauseI’dneverknowhowshereallyfeltaboutagreeingtodothis.Wasitaninconvenienceforher?Wasshegrittingherteethandbearingit?Cringingathavingtoholdmyhand?Wishingshedidn’tknowwhoBenny’sdonorwasafterall,soshewouldn’tfeelhonorboundtoentertainthisridiculousrequest?
Iwouldhaverathershe’dmadethisdecisionbeforesheknew,becausethenI’dknowsheactuallywantedtodoit.IwassoworriedshewasbeingputuponthatI’dalmostcalledoffthewholethingrightupuntilIpickedherup.
Andnowwewereinit.Andtherewasnogoingback.
Evenifwe“brokeup,”we’dalreadytakentheliebeyondthepointofinception—we’dactuallyseenitthrough.Putonthecharade.And,worse,I’daskedhertoparticipateinit.I’dmadeheranaccompliceinmydeception.I’dmadeheraliar.
Butitwasdone.Andsotherewasnothingleftbuttofeelguiltyaboutit,whilealsoacknowledgingthatitwasprobablytherightthing.Atleastformyfamily.
Thestressofallthisbroughtthelivewiresback.Theycrackedandsparkedandshotthroughmyfingers,andithadgottenworsethecloserwegottothehouse.AndthenI’dstoppedandpickeduproadkill,becauseofcourseI’ddosomethingonautopilotthatmademelookevenweirderthanIwas.Thenalltheeccentricitiesofmyfamilymetusrightatthedoor.JafarandGrandpaandthemobofmyoverzealousfamily.AndIcouldfeelitallpressingonmefromtheinside,likeascreamtryingtogetout.
Butshewasdryingdishes.Andmyfamilywaschattingwithherandlaughing
IfshewasnervousaftershefoundoutaboutMom,shedidn’tshowit.Idon’tknowwhyIdidn’tthinkofit.MaybeIwassobusyoverthinkingeverythingelse,themostimportantthingslipped.ButBrianaseemedtohaverallied.Sheseemedcomfortableandthisthingweweredoingfelteasyandbelievable,andforthefirsttimeIstartedtofeelthereliefI’dimaginedI’dfeelwhenI’dcomeupwiththisplan.Athavingthisweightliftedoffme.HavingeveryonebelieveIwasokay.Anditactuallydidmakemealittleokay.BecauseIwasn’tgoingthroughitaloneanymore.
IstartedfillingapotofwaterforthepastaandBrianasmiledatme.
Ismiledback.
ItwasfunnybecauseitwaseasiertobelieveIwasdonatinganorganthanitwastoacceptthatBrianaOrtizwascurrentlyinthiskitchenwithmyentirefamily,pretendingtobemygirlfriend.Evenbroaderstill,itwashardtobelievethatshewasdoingitbecauseAmywasmarryingJeremiah.Ithinkifthemeofayearagohadtheabilitytojumpintotheconsciousnessofthemeoftodayforjustthirtyseconds,thewhat-the-hellwouldkillme.
“So,”Jewelsaid,rollingoutmorepasta.“Youguysgonnatellushowyoumetorwhat?”
Brianagrinned.“Oh,thisissuchagoodstory.Jacob,doyoucareifItellit?”
Isetthepotonthestoveandturnedtheflameon.“No.Goahead.”
Shebouncedalittleandturnedtofacetheroom,dishtowelstillinhand.“SomybrotherwasinthehospitalandIwasrunningdownthishallwaytohisroomandIcrashedintothisguycomingoutofadoor.Ibrokehisphone.”
Ichokedalittleonmylaugh.
Everyonelookedatme.“It’strue,”Isaid.“Shedid.”
Shewenton.“Ididn’tevenstoptoapologize,Iwasinsuchahurry.Ididn’treallygetagoodlookathim.Andthenfiveminuteslaterthisdoctorwalksintomybrother’shospitalroom—anditwastheguyIknockedintoandhewassocute.Sortofawkward?Butinthisreallyadorable‘Idon’trealizehowhandsomeIam’kindofway?”
Ifeltmycheeksflush.Ihadtopretendtobelookingforapotlidsonobodycouldsee.
“What’dyouthinkofher?”Janeasked,lookingoveratmewhenIcameupfromthecabinet,lidinhand.
Brianapeeredatme,waiting.
Ipausedforalongmoment,debatingwhattosay.ThenIdecidedthetruthwasbest.
“IthoughtshewasthemostbeautifulwomanI’deverseen.”
“Awwwwwww!”mysisterssaidinunison.
Brianasmiled.“ButIdidn’tgivehimmynumber,”shesaid.
“Whynot?”Janeasked.
Brianathrewupherhands.“Hedidn’taskforit.”
“He’ssoshy,”Jillsaid.
Jewelnodded.“Totally.”
Brianagavethemamischievousgrin.“Butyouknowwhathedid?Hewrotemealetter.”
Jillgasped.“Hewroteyoualetter?”
Briananodded.“Yup.”
“Thatissoromantic,”Janesaid.
“Jacobhasbeautifulhandwriting,”Momsaid,stirringthepesto.“I’vealwaysthoughtso.”
“Whyaletter?”Dadasked.
Everyonelookedatme.
Ithoughtcarefullyabouttheanswer.ThenIdecidedagainthattruthwasbest.“Iwantedtotalktoher,butIdidn’tknowhow.”
Brianasmiled.“SoIwrotehimback.Thenhewrotemeback.AndthenallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhenwasthenextletter…ThenIstalkedhimonInstagramandDM’dhimforhisnumber.Hewasupatthecabin.Icalledhimandwespenthalfthedayonthephone.”
Jilllookedconfused.“Hetalkedtoyouwhilehewasatthecabin?”Sheturnedtome.“Youdon’tgetcellserviceupthere.”
Iclearedmythroat.“Iwassittingattherestaurantdownthestreet.”
NowBrianalookedconfused.“Youwereatarestaurant?But…wetalkedforlikethreehours.”
Iclearedmythroatagain.“Iknow.”Ipaused.“Iwantedtotalktoyou.”
Sheheldmygazeforalongmoment.Thensheseemedtodecidetodropitandcontinuethestory.
“Soheneveraskedmeout,”shesaid,stillgivingmeasearchinglook.Ihadtoturnawayfromher.“SofinallyIjustaskedhimtolunch,andtherestishistory.”
Allthewomensmiledatmeandsighed.
Well,sofarsogood.
Everyonechattedcasuallyforthenexthalfanhour.Thewaterboiled,Istartedthepasta,thesideswereplacedonthetable,andthenwetookaseatfordinner.
GrandpasatnexttoMomasusual,butthismeanthewasrightacrossfromusandusedthispositiontoglareatBriana.Tohercredit,shedidn’tseembothered.
“So,whatdoyoudo?”MomaskedBriana,passingheraplateofgarlicbread.
“ERphysician,likeJacob,”shesaid,takingtwoslicesandpassingittome.
“Youknow,hedidn’talwayswanttobeadoctor,”Momsaid.“Hewantedtobeaveterinarian.”
Brianalookedatme.“Icouldseethat.Whydidn’tyou?”
IpassedthegarlicbreadtoJane.“Icouldn’tdealwithseeingabusedorneglectedanimals.”
Brianalaughed.“Wejustdealwithabusedandneglectedhumansinstead.”
“There’salittlemorerecourseforitwhenthey’rehumans.”
Shebobbedherhead.“True.”
“Andwhatdoyourparentsdo?”Dadaskedher.
“Well,mydadleftwhenIwaseight.Butmymomisanurse.She’sretired.SheimmigratedherefromElSalvadorwhenshewaseighteen.”
“Oh!DoyouspeakSpanish?”Dadasked.
ItoccurredtomethatIdidn’tknowtheanswer.Brianawasright.Wehadn’tbeenready.
Briananodded.“Yeah.Itwasmyfirstlanguage.”
“Hmongwasmyfirstlanguage,”Gwensaid.“Itwassohardinschool.”
“Ididokay,”Brianasaid,shrugging.“Ithinkitwasharderformymom.Shedidn’thaveanyfamilyhereoranything.”BrianaturnedtoWalterandnoddedathisshirt.“Doyouworkwiththatrescue?”
“Iownit.”
Brianabeamed.“That’sawesome.”
“Yeah,wegotalmostthirtydogsrightnow.Springtime’stheworst.”
“I’llmakeadonation.What’syourVenmo?”Brianaasked,pullingoutherphone.
Walterwasdirectinghertotherescue’swebsitewhenJafarstartedweavingthroughourfeetunderthetable.Hewastalkingtohimself,recitingeverybadwordheknew,interlacedwiththewordBieber.Thiswasparticularlyhorrifying,since,accordingtomysisters,thatwasmyparents’safeword.IprayedtoGodBrianadidn’taskaboutit.
Youcouldfeelhimclimbingoveryourtoes.IknewexactlywhenhegottoBriana’sbecauseshemadealittlesurprisedsqueaknoisenexttome.
“SodoyouhaveanybabypicturesofJacob?”Brianaasked,tryingvisiblynottoreacttotheparrotonherfoot
“Oh,lots,”Momsaid,servingGrandpa.“I’llshowyouafterdinner.Waituntilyouseehisthird-gradeHalloweencostume.Socute.”
Iinternallygroaned.
Brianawastryingtoseeminterestedinme,whichIwascertainshewasn’t.Ifeltbadshehadtositthroughthis.Iwasnotagood-lookingkid.Iwasawkwardandhadacne.Ididn’thitpubertyuntilIwasfifteen.
IbetBrianawasoneofthecoolkidsinschool.Icouldn’tpicturehereverhavinganawkwardphase.SheprobablyruledherhighschoolthesamewaysheruledtheER.Popularandwellliked.Girlslikethatnevertalkedtome—ormaybeIwastooafraidtotalktothem
Notmuchhadchanged.
“SowhatwasJacoblikewhenhewasyoung?”BrianaaskedMom,twistingherpastaaroundherfork.
“Oh,hewassuchagoodlittleboy,”Momsaid,puttingsaladonherplate.“Soself-contained,evenatayoungage.Hecouldplaybyhimselfforhours.Helovedtobeheld—averysensitivechild.Couldn’tstandtagsonhisclothesorwethair.Doyourememberthat,Greg?Hecouldn’twearanythingscratchy.”
Dadnodded.“Yeah.Ihadtobuytheunderwearthatdidn’thavealabelinit,orhe’dtakethemoffandrunaroundnaked.”
Jewellaughed.“Ijustrememberhimpoopinghispantsatschool.”
“Jewel!”Jillsnapped.
IshotJewelalook.
Sherolledhereyes.“What?Itwasliketwenty-fiveyearsago.Getoverit.”
“Itonlyhappenedlikeeightorninetimes,”Jillsaid.“Youmakeitsoundlikehediditeveryday.”
“Youguys…”Janesaid,lookingembarrassedforme.
IflushedandBrianatookanextra-longswallowofwinenexttome.
“Hehadanervousstomach,”Momexplained.“Hewasalwaysinthenurse’soffice,poorthing.Itmadehimalittlehardtopottytrain.Butsuchasweetboy,truly.”
Jafarshrieked“BIEBER!!!”fromunderthetableatthetopofhislungs,andeveryonestartedtittering.
Betweenthis,taglessunderwear,andthegrade-schooldiarrheastory,Iwantedtocurlupandvanish.Itwaslikemyfamilyhadacompetitiongoingforwhocouldembarrassmethemost,andeventheparrotwasinonit.
LieutenantDangotupfromwherehewaslyingnexttomeandputhisheadinmylap.ButwhenIwenttopethim,Briana’shandcamedownontopofmineandgavemeareassuringsqueeze.MyheartjumpedthewayithadinDad’staxidermyroom.
Iglancedather,andshesmiledgentlyatme.
“Youknow,”shesaid,turningbacktothetable.“Ireadthisstudythatsaidhighlyintelligentchildrenarehardertopottytrain.”
Jewelseemedtothinkaboutthis.“Yeah.Icouldseethat.He’sprettyfuckingsmart.”
Jillnodded.“Totally.”
“Iusedtotellmyfriendsthatmyolderbrotherwasagenius,”Janesaid.“He’slike,thesmartestpersonIknow.Didn’theskipagrade?”
“Yup,”Dadsaid.“Andbreezedthroughmedschool.”
Brianasqueezedmyhandagain.Iletasmallsmilecrack.MyparentssharedsomesortofprivatelookthatIcouldn’tinterpretfromacrossthetable.
Anhourlater,thenightwasover.MomputBrianathroughonlyonephotoalbum.ImanagedtoworkourcatchphraseintotheconversationwhenMompassedBrianatheEdibleArrangementatdessertandithadcantaloupeonit.Iblurted,“Notonmywatch!”beforedivingforthefruitlikeitwasgoingtojumpupandbiteher.Thatwasmygrandawkwardfinaleofthenight.
Afterthat,Brianamadegoodonthepromiseofgivingmeabreakandannouncedshehadtogethometofeedthecatsowecouldleave.
Theyallhuggedheronthewayout.Theyseemedtoreallylikeher,whichIknewtheywould.Sowepulleditoff.Atleasttodaywedid.
AndIwonderedhowmuchsheregrettedagreeingtothis…Chapter20
Briana
Itwasalmostten-thirtywhenJacobwalkedmetomydoor.
“Well,thatwasanightmare,”hesaid,slippinghishandsinhispockets.“Thanksforstickingitout.”
“What?”Isaid,digginginmypurseformykeys.“Ihadsomuchfun.AndIthinkwedidprettywell.Imean,thephrasedropwasalittlerough.”Ipulledoutmykeysandturnedtohim.“Ithinkyoucouldworkonyourtransitionnexttime,butIstillgaveitasolidsixoutoften.”
Helookedamused.
“Also,thoseHalloweenpicturesofyouweresocute.Ican’tbelieveyouwereamermaid.”
“Amer-man,”hesaidwithmockseriousness.“Iwasamer-man.”
Ilaughedanditmadehimlaughandhiseyeswrinkledatthecorners.Ilikeditwhenheloosenedup.Heseemedlighternowthatthewholethingwasover.Hehadthatrelieved,saved-from-a-near-death-experiencethingabouthim.
“Thanksforthepotty-trainingthing,”hesaid.“Makingfunofmeispartofthefamilyinitiationprocess,apparently.”
“Yeah,Itotallymadethatup.Butcontextuallyit’strue.Youarehighlyintelligent.”
“IwantyoutoknowthatIhavebeenfullypottytrainedforquitesometimenow.I’mprettyproudofit.”
Ilaughedagainandhegavemeabashfulsmile.
Damn,hewashandsome.Itseemedcliché,buthissmilereallydidlightuparoom.Brightanddazzlinglygorgeous—andhedidn’tdoitalot.Youreallyhadtodrawhimoutandearnit.
Ienjoyedearningit.
Itoccurredtomethatifthiswasadate,I’dbehavingareallygoodtime.Like,reallygood.I’dgohomewiththisone.
Whyweren’tguyslikethisonthedatingapps?
ButthenIknewwhy.BecauseJacobwaswaytoointrovertedtoputhimselfouttherelikethat.Andevenifhedid,somethingtoldmehewasn’tthefriends-with-benefits,casual-hookuptype—whichwastheonlytypeIwasinterestedin.Hisprofilewouldprobablysayhewaslookingforalifepartner.Thathewantedtogetmarriedandhavekids.Iwouldhaveswipedleft.
ButIcouldstillappreciatetheview.
“Sotomorrowwetelleveryoneatwork,”Isaid.“I’llprobablydolunchwithJessicatoletherknow.”
Henodded.“Okay.”
“Whendoyouwanttocomeoverandseemyhouse?”
Helookedatthedoor.“Ican’tseeitnow?”
“Noooo.”Ishookmyhead.“Nonono.Ihavetocleanfirst.”
Andburnsomesage,ripuptheflooring,andtakedownthepostersfrommyroomthatIputupintheeighthgrade.
“Okay,”hesaidagain.“HowaboutFridayafterwork?”
“Sure.”
Thenwejustsortofstoodthere,lookingateachother.Thesamewaywedidthatdayinthesobcloset.
Agreeingtobeharmlesstoeachother.
Thenightwaswarmandstill.Frogsandcricketswerechirpingfromsomewhere.Mothsflutteredintheporchlight,andtheovergrownlilacbushbythelightpostthatIreallyneededtodealwithwasinfullbloom.
Theporchswinglookedsortofinviting.Ikindofwantedtoaskhimtostayandjustsitwithhimabitandtalk.Butwebothhadworkinthemorning,andhewasprobablytiredfromallthepeopling.ButIcouldtotallyhangoutwithhimlonger.Ilikedhim.
Heglancedattheswinglikehewasthinkingthesamething.Thenheclearedhisthroatandputathumboverhisshoulder.“Ishouldgetgoing.”
“Yeah.Right.”Ituckedmyhairbehindmyear.“I’llseeyoutomorrow.”
“Seeyoutomorrow.”Hepausedatthetopofthestepsamomentlikehewasgoingtosaysomethingelse.Butthenheseemedtothinkbetterofitandstartedforthetruck.
IcrossedmyarmsasIwatchedhimgo.“Jacob?”
Hestoppedinthewalkwayandturnedbacktolookatme,thosegentlebrowneyes.
“Didyoureallysitatarestaurantforthreehoursjusttotalktome?”
Hedidthatthingwherehewentquiet.
Iwasstartingtorealizethesepauseswereaprotectivereflex.Healwaysthoughtaboutwhathewasgoingtosaybeforehesaidit.Likehewasweighingit,decidingwhatheshouldreveal.
Jacobwasafortress.AndIgotthesensehedidn’tletpeopleinveryoften.ButitwasimperativethatIgetin.One,tomakethisallbelievabletohisfamily.Buttwo,becauseIwantedin.Ireallydidwanttogettoknowhim.
Heintriguedme.
Whatkindofpersonprotectshisexandhislittlebrotherfromtheconsequencesoftheirownfucked-upselfishchoices?Thinksofhisfamily’sfeelingsbeforehethinksofhisown.
Anonymouslydonatesakidneytoastranger.
ZanderhadsaidJacobwouldgiveyoutheshirtoffhisbackandthatwholeanalogyseemedwildlyinadequatenowthatIknewwhatJacobwasreallylike.
Hehadhisownprivatecodeofethics.
Ididn’thavethatkindofgrace.Myhighroadwascurrentlyunderconstruction
Butitmademelikehimsomuch.Andallthestorieshisfamilytolddidtoo.IwantedtogobackintimeandholdbabyJacob.Behisfriendinhighschoolandtellallhisbulliestofuckoff.IsortofwantedtotellJeweltofuckofftoo…
Hewaitedanotherbeatbeforereplyingtomyquestion.“Yes,”hesaid.“Isatatarestaurantforthreehours.”
Ishookmyheadathim.“But…why?”
Hefiddledwithhiskeys,lookingdownatthewalkway.“Iwantedtotalktoyou,”hesaidsimply,thesameanswerhe’dgivenearlier.Helookedbackupatmeandwestoodthere,peeringateachother.
Beingharmlesstoeachother.
Itdidn’tmeananything.I’dwantedtotalktohimthatdaytoo,andI’dhadnoagenda.Andhewasinlovewithsomeoneelse.Thatwasliterallywhywewerehere.Butitmademystomachdoalittletwistythinganyway.
Maybeittwistedbecauseforwhateverreason,Jacoblikedme.AndbeinglikedbyJacobmeantsomethingbecausehewassoshy.It’slikewhensomeone’spetcomestositwithyouinsteadoftheirperson,andyoufeellikethechosenone.Itmademefeelalittlespecial,likehesawsomethinginme.ThoughIcouldn’tforthelifeofmeimaginewhatthatwas.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Well,good.Iwantedtotalktoyoutoo.”
Thecornerofhisliptwitchedandhelookeddownathisshoes.“Goodnight.”
“Yeah.Goodnight.”
IwatchedhimgetinhistruckanddriveoffbeforeIwentinside.
“Ithoughtyouhatedhim,”Jessicasaidflatly.
Weweresittinginthecafeteriaatlunchthenextday.ShehadachickensaladandIwaseatingaCaesarwrap.
“Ithinkitwasjustallthesexualtension?”
Shenarrowedhereyesatme.
“Yeah,youknowhowthinthelineisbetweenloveandhate?Thatwholething?Turnsoutit’strue.Whoknew.”
“Ithoughtyousaidyou’dneverdateacoworker.”
“Thatwasmoreofaguidelinethanarule.”
Shepursedherlipsandskeweredacherrytomatowithherforkandcheweditslowly,eyeingme.
We’dmadetheofficialannouncementthismorning.ToldGibson,whoseemedonepartsurprisedbyitandonepartrelieved,becauseevenifhehadn’tslippedaboutthekidneything,thisnowmeantJacobwouldhavetoldmehimself,beingmyboyfriendandall.
TheonlypersoninontheschemewasZander,whoIguessJacobhadtalkedtoabouthissituation.SoIaskedJacobifIcouldtellmybestfriend,whichheagreedto,sinceitwasonlyfair.
Thatwasaninterestingphonecall.
AlexissaiditsoundedlikearomcomandtoletherknowwhenIgottotheOnlyOneBedscene.
Jacob’swholefamilyhadsentmeInstagramrequests.We’dhavetostartpostingpicturesofusonthere,nowthatwe’dgonepublicwithour“relationship.”
WhenIgothomefromwork,Istartedinonthehouse.Jacobwascomingovertomorrowtoseemyplace.Honestly,therewasn’tmuchIcoulddoaboutthewayitlooked.Itwasn’tdirty,itwasjustfreakin’old.
ButIcouldmakesomeimprovementsonmyroom.Forone,Ididn’tneedtosleepundertherattybedspreadMomgotmeformyfifteenthbirthday.Theglow-in-the-darkstarscouldcomeofftheceiling.Ialsodidn’tneedalltheSmallvillepostershangingeverywhere.I’dbeenseriouslyobsessedwithTomWellingandinareallycreepyway.
Istartedbytakingallthosedown.ThetealpaintI’dinsistedonwhenIwasfourteenhadfadedaroundthemfromtwentyyearsofsun.Allthespotslookedhorrible,butIdidn’thavetimetopaint.Iwantedtobuyanewbedspread,butIdidn’thavetimeforthateither.
Istoodbackandlookedatmypatheticroomandrealizedhowitwouldlooktohim.Itwasembarrassing.Itwassad
Itossedthepostersinthetrashandgaveup.
MycellphonepingedasIfloppedontomybed.
Jacob:What’sthedinnerplanfortomorrownight?
Me:Idon’tknow.WecanjustorderDoorDashorsomething.
…Jacobistyping…
Jacob:Ineedmoreinformationthanthat.
Icalledhim.Heansweredimmediately.
“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”Isaidwithoutsayinghello.
“Idon’treallycare.Ijustlikeknowingwhatwe’reeating.”
Ibetthiswashisanxiety.Heprobablyfeltbetterwhenheknewwhattopreparefor.Ifiledthataway.
“Verywell,”Isaid.“WhataboutTacoBell.”
Hegroaned.“Dowehaveto?”
“What?Whynot?It’sbeenagessinceI’vehadTacoBell.Nickusedtosurprisemewithitonhiswayhome.He’dbringitwithflowers.”
“TacoBell?Thiswashisideaofaromanticevening?Everyonegettingdiarrhea?”
“IhappentolikeTacoBell.Andjustsoyouknow,thereisnogreatershowoflovethansomeonebringingyoufoodwithoutbeingtold.Amanwhobringsyoufoodwithoutyouaskingisthoughtfulandconsiderate.He’sanaturalnurturer,he’stakingcareofyou.It’sextremelytelling.EvenifitisTacoBell.”
“Hesoundsnice.”
“He’sanasshole.”
Heletoutalaugh.
“Whatdoyougetfromthere?”heasked,achucklestillinhisvoice.
Ishrugged.“AchalupaandtwoTacoSupremeswithfiresauce.”
“Thosetacosareobjectivelytheworsttacosevercreated.”
“Theheartwantswhattheheartwants,Jacob.”
Therewasasmileinthepause.“MayImakeacounteroffer?”heasked.
“Youmay.”
“JuicyLucy’s.I’llpickitup.BythetimeIgettoyourplace,thecheesewillbecoolenoughtoeat.”
ThiswasakeyconsiderationwheneatingaJuicyLucy.Itwasaburgerwithscaldingcheesestuffedinsidethepatty.Theytookforevertocooldown.
“Thiscouldwork,”Isaid.
“Okay.I’llsendyouthemenu.Whatelsearewegoingtodo?”
Irolledontomybackandstaredattheceiling,anancientbrassandfauxwoodfandirectlyoverhead.“Idon’tknow.WatchTV?It’sgoingtobeverycasual.I’mgoingtobeinmypajamas.Iwillnotbewearingmakeuporabra,sodon’tcomeoverdressed.YoucanbringLieutenantDanifyouwant,thecatisn’tafraidofdogs.”
“Allright.”
“Ineedtowarnyou,myhouseisveryugly.”
“Noted,”hesaid.“WheredoIpark?”
“Infrontofthegaragebehindthesmallcarstall.”
“Okay.You’renotupsetI’mnotbringingthediarrheafood,right?”
“Iamveryupset.ButwheneverI’mmadatyou,justpullthekidneycard.”
Helaughedandwehungup.
ThenaminutelaterhesentmeapictureofLieutenantDan.Histonguewaslolledoutandhelookedlikehewassmiling.Igrinned.IrepliedwithablurryphotoofCooterstreakingthroughthehallwayinoneofhisraredaytimeappearancessincethemove.Hestillhidmostofthetime.
Jacobsentacatheart-eyeemoji.ThatwasthelastIheardfromhimforthenight.
ThenextdayJacobandIweretheonlytwoattendingsontheERfloor,whichmeantwecouldn’ttakeourlunchestogethersincetherewasnobodytobabysittheresidents.Hedidhoweverleavemealetteraroundnoon,nexttomychartingcomputer,tapedtoabrownpaperbag.
DearestBriana,
Thereisnoaccountingforyourpoortaste.Buttheheartwantswhattheheartwants.
Sincerely,
Jacob
Iopenedthebag.ItwasTacoBell.
IbarkedoutalaughandlookeduptoseehimacrosstheERwatchingmewithasmile.Iblewhimakissandhepretendedtocatchit—averyuncharacteristicallyplayfulmovebyJacobstandards.Itcrackedmeup.Severalnursesandafewpatientsmadeawwwwwwwnoises.
Weweredoingawonderfuljoblookinglikewewereinlove.Everyonewaseatingthisup.
IlefthimanoteonhiscomputerafterItookmybreak.
IfI’minthebathroomlaterwhileyou’reover,justknowthatIdiedeatingwhatIlove.Andalsothatyouareanenabler.
Regards,
Briana
He’devengottenmefiresauce.Chapter21
Jacob
OnceIknewwewereeatingJuicyLucy’s,IcarefullyplannedwhenI’dhavetoleavetogetthefoodtogettoherhouseontime.IGoogleMappedit.Ididn’twanttoshowupearlyincaseshewasn’treadyforme.IfIdidgetthereearly,Iplannedtowaitinmycaruntilitwastime—butnotinherdriveway.Downthestreetsomewhere.IfIwaitedinherdriveway,shemightseemepullupandthenitwouldstressheroutthatIwasoutside,eventhoughIhadn’tknocked—andthinkingthatIwasstressingheroutwouldstressmeout.
Butintheend,Iendedupshowinguplatebecausemyverylastpatientvomitedalloverme.
Itpushedmyentireplanbackbytwenty-sevenminutes.Iwastwenty-sevenminuteslate.Thismademeflustered,soIwasanxiouswhenIpulledupinfrontofherhouse,eventhoughI’dtextedandtoldherwhathappenedandshedidn’tseemtocarethatIwasn’tthereyet.
WhenIknockedatalmosteighto’clock,myanxietywasatalowhum.Butwhensheopenedthedoor,itquieteddownandthendisappearedwithablip.
ShewasinblackfleeceskullpajamabottomsandanavyshirtthatsaidEverythingIsTerribleonit.Herhairwaspiledontopofherheadinamessybunand,aspromised,therewasnobra.
Itwashardtofeelanxiouswhenthesituationissoinformal.AndIwasstartingtorealizeitwashardtofeelanxiousaroundheringeneral.MostofthetimewhenIdid,itwasinthelead-uptoseeingher,nottheactualspendingtimewithher,anditwasmyownoverthinkingthatgotmethere.
Speakingofoverthinking…
TherewassomethingIkeptgoingbacktofromtheothernightatmyparents’house.She’dsaidshereallylookedforwardtoourletters.Iwonderedifshejustmadethatupforthestory.BecauseIhadlookedforwardtothoseletters.Alot.
Ithinkitmatteredtomesomuchbecausethosewerebeforethenewsaboutmykidney.Howshefeltabouttheletterswasn’tbecauseofwhatIwasdoingforBenny,itwasjustbetweenus.Unadulteratedbygratitude.
Therewouldn’tbeanythingthatwasuntouchedbythatnow.NowIwouldn’tknowifanythingshewassayingordoingwasbecausewewerepretendingorshewasjustfeelingindebtedtome.
IwishedIcouldnavigateitbetterandknowwhatwaswhat.
Hadshereallylikedtheletters?Ifshewasn’ttryingtomakeourrelationshiplookauthentic,wouldIevenbeheretonight?Wouldwehavetalkedonthephonelikelastnight?HowmuchbonustimewasIgettingfromherbecauseofourfakedating,becauseshefeltobligated?
IhatedthatIdidn’tknow.
“Hey,”shesaid,pushingthedooropentoletinmeandLieutenantDan.Isteppedintotheentryandshecrouchedtopetmydogandhebouncedonhislonefrontlegandmadepuppynoises.Helikedher.
Ilookedaroundwhileshewasrufflinghishead.Shehadn’tbeenkiddingaboutthehouse.Itwas…old
Ilikedold.Mycabinwasold.Butthiswasn’tthenostalgickindofoldthathadagedwell.Thiswasthekindthatwasdatedandinneedofseriousrenovating.Thecarpetwasbrownshag,theceilingwaspopcorn.Therewasaglasscoffeetablewithshinybrasslegs.Ahugecattreewasinthecornernexttoawindowcoveredincheap,bentblinds.ThepinkfloralsofainthelivingroomhadthickplasticonitandahugeglitteryframedpaintingoftheVirginMaryhangingoverit.
Brianaputherhandsonherhipsandsurveyedthehousewithme.“Well,hereitis.”
“It’s…”
“Don’tlietome.Actually—yes.Lietome.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Shenoddedtothesofa.“Let’seat.I’llgiveyouthegrandtourlater.”
Itookoffmyshoesandshemadeherwaytothesofa.Herpajamabottomswereinsideout.
“Yourpantsareoninsideout,”Isaid,followingher.
“Iknow.Theoutsidewasfuzzier.Followmeformorefashiontips.”
Ismiled.
I’dsettledonwearingmyworkoutclothes—agrayT-shirtandsomeblackNiketrainingpants.
Ittookmeadayofplanningjusttodecideonit.
Shedroppedontothesofaandpattedthespotnexttoher.Isatdownandtheplasticsqueakedunderme.IstartedunbaggingthefoodontothecoffeetableandsheturnedontheTVwhileLieutenantDannosedaround.Hestartedsniffingunderthedustruffleofthesofaandwagginghistail.Thecatwasprobablythere.
Ieasedmyselfdownontothefloorandputmybackagainsttheseatcushion
“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasked.
“Tryingtomeetyourcat.”
“Isheunderthere?”
“Ithinkso.”
Ihandedheraburger.Shegrabbedablanketandpulleditoverherlap.Thenshecrossedherlegunderher,andherkneepressedintomyshoulder.
IpretendedlikeIdidn’tnoticeit,butIdid.Ireallydid.
Therewasgoingtobetouchingnow.Obligatorytouching,buttouchingnonetheless.We’dhavetoinfrontofmyfamily.
IfeltthesamewayaboutthisthatIfeltabouttherestofit.Ilikedit,buthatedthatIdidn’tknowifshedid.
SheturnedupthevolumeontheTV.Twoactorswalkedthroughaparkinglotasabuildingblewupbehindthem.“Thatstuffkillsme,”shesaid,settingdowntheremoteandopeningherto-gocontainer.
“Totalbullshit,”Isaid.
“Theywouldn’tbewalkingawaylikethat.Blowneardrumsattheveryleast,”shesaid.
“Theshiftinpressurewouldrupturealung.Softtissuedamage.”
SheateafryandsmiledatmelikeshelikedthatIknewthisandwecouldcomplainaboutit.Ilikedittoo.
“SoIwasGooglingget-to-know-yougames,”shesaid.“AndIthinkweshouldplayWouldYouRather.”
Iletoutadrylaugh.
“What?”sheasked.
“ThelastgameAmywantedtoplaywasPenis,”Imumbled,tearingthecornerofaketchuppacketwithmyteeth.
“Thegamewhereyoutaketurnsshoutingpenisinapublicplacelouderandlouderuntiloneofyougivesupoutofembarrassment?That’slikeyournumber-oneideaofhell.”
Inodded.“Yes.Yes,itis.I’mnotveryfun,unfortunately.”
Shescoffed.“You’refun.Thatgamefuckingsucks.Whatothertorturedidshesubjectyouto?Didsheliketotextyou‘Weneedtotalk’too?”
Ipaused.“Shedid,actually.”
Brianarolledhereyes.
“Shethrewmeasurprisebirthdaypartylastyear,”Isaid.“Shedidn’tunderstandwhyIwassomortified,sinceitwasjustmyfamilyandZanderthereandshegotmyfavoritecake.”Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tlikeparties.Iespeciallydon’tlikepartiesforme,andIdefinitelydon’tlikethemwhenIdon’thaveachancetomentallyprepareforthem.Itwaslikemynightmaretrifecta.”
Brianabitthetipoffafry.“Whattheheckwaswrongwithher?I’veknownyoulikethreeweeksandevenIknowyou’dhatethat.”
Ipinchedoffasmallpieceofhamburgerandhelditunderthecouch.Amomentlaterasoftmouthtookit.“It’snotherfault.Shealwaysmeantwell.She’sjustapeopleperson,shelikesparties.Iwastheonewhoalwaysruinedthings.”
IfeltBrianastudyingmeandIlookedup.“What?”
“Youknowthatit’snotyourfaultthatyoudon’tlikethatstuff,right?There’snothingwrongwithyou.”
Ididn’tknowwhattosayinresponsetothat.
Shepivotedtolookatmestraighton.“Haveyoueverheardthatquoteifyoujudgeafishbyitsabilitytoclimbatree,itwillliveitswholelifebelievingthatit’sstupid?”
“Yeah…”
“SoundslikeAmyreallylikeshangingoutintrees.”
Ilaughedalittle.
“Iwillneverjudgeyouforhowyouclimbatree,Jacob.Andyoushouldknowthatyouareanexceptionalfish.”
Sheheldmygaze,andIsmiledandlookeddownatmylap.Ididn’tknowthatIneededtohearthis.ButIdid.
IputsomuchoftheblameofwhathappenedbetweenmeandAmyonmyself,itdidn’tevenoccurtometolookatitanotherway.Andforjustamoment,IallowedmyselftobelievethatmaybeIreallywasafishputinatree.
“Allright,”Brianasaid,sittingbackintothesofa.“WouldYouRather.Areyouready?”
Ipinchedoffanotherpieceofburgerandhelditunderthecouch.“I’mready.”
“Wouldyouratherbeareversecentaurorareversemerman?”
“Like,amanwithahorseheadorafishhead?”
“Thatiscorrect.”
Ithoughtaboutit.“Acentaur.Idon’tlovetheideaofnotbeingabletoblink.”
“Orbreathe.You’dhavetoliveinthewater.Thingswouldbeveryshrively.”
Ichuckled.
“Yourturn,”shesaid,takinganexploratorybiteofherburger.
“IneedtoGooglequestions.Ican’tjustthinktheseupondemand,”Isaid,pullingoutmyphone.
IscannedaWouldYouRatherquestionlist.“Okay.Wouldyouratherfightflyingmonkeysorinfinityants?”
Sheswallowed.“Flyingmonkeys,”shesaidwithoutthinkingaboutit.“Theantswon’teverstop.Thatwastooeasy,givemeanotherone.”
Ilookedagain.“Wouldyouratherknowthehistoryofeverythingyoutouch,orbeabletotalktoanimals?”
Shescrunchedupherface.“Idon’tlikeeitherofthose.EitherwayI’mgoingtobehonorboundtosolveunsolvedmysteriesfortherestofmylife.ButifIhadtochoose,animals.”
“Youdon’tlikeunsolvedmysteries?”
“Ido,butIdon’twantthattobemyjob.Ionlysolvemurdermysteriesforfun.”
Igaveheranamusedlook.
“Myturn,”shesaid.“Wouldyourathernameyourkidwhateveryouwant,ornameyourkidafteraninternetproviderinexchangeforeighteenyearsoffreeWi-Fi?”
Ilaughed.“What?Like,Xfinityorsomething?”
“Yeah.”
“Xfinityisn’tawful,”Isaid.
“Soit’sayes?You’ddoit?”
“HowmuchisthisfreeWi-FiI’mgetting?”
Shebobbedherhead.“Well,assumingyou’regettingthepremiumplanforbequeathingthemyourfirstborn—seventy-five,maybeahundreddollarsamonth?”
“Overeighteenyearsthat’sprobablyabouttwentythousanddollarsinsavings.Yeah.I’ddoit.”
Shegawkedatme.“You’dmakeyourkidlivetheirwholelifewiththatnamefortwentythousanddollarsinsavings?I’dpaytwentythousanddollarsformykidnottohavethatname.”
“What?It’snotlikeInamedherCenturyLink.Xfinity’sanicename.”
“Ifyou’reahorseinaDisneymovie.”
Itwistedtolookbackatherandmademyfaceserious.“ThereisnothingwrongwithXfinitypullingherweightaroundhere.Childcareisexpensive.”
“Wow.Itissadhoweasilyboughtyouare.Atleastshe’llbeabletoGoogletherapists.”
“Wecouldcallheranicknameandshecouldlegallychangeitoncesheturnseighteen.”
“What’shernickname?Password?”
Igrinned.“Well,whatnicknamewouldyougiveher?”
“Ava,”shesaidwithouteventhinkingaboutit.
“WhyAva?”
“BecauseIlikethatname.IfIevergetadog,I’mgoingtonameherAva.”
Thecatslidoutfromunderthesofa
Brianablinkedatit.“Well,I’llbedamned…”
Cootersniffedme.ThensniffedLieutenantDan.Thenthecatcamebackaroundandrubbedhisheadonmyhandandletmepethim.“Hey,there.”
Sheshookherhead.“Howdidyoudothat?”sheasked,hermouthopen.“He’sbeenhidingforweeks.”
“Moveslowly,talksoftly,andofferfood,”Isaid,talkingtothecatinalowvoice.
Shegrabbedthreefries,dippedtheminketchup,andbitthetopsoff.“Iamimpressed.”
Ilookedupatherandsmiled,likingthatIdidsomethingtoimpressher.
“Sowhat’syourdreamdate?”sheasked,takinganotherbiteofafry.“Whatkindofstuffarewedoinginourpretendtimetogether?”
Ishrugged.“This.”
Shelookedatme.“Really?Youlikethis?Justhangingout?”
“Ilovethis.”
Shenodded.“Metoo.It’ssounderrated.Andhikingandcamping.”
“Yes.”
“Nickneverwantedtogowithme,”shesaid.“Ialwayshadtogoalone.”
“I’llgowithyou,”Isaid,alittletooquicklyandimmediatelyregrettingit.Shewasn’taskingmetojoinher.
“OhmyGod,Iwouldlovethat.”
Thecornersofmylipsturnedup.“There’salotofgoodtrailsupbythecabin.”
“Allright,it’sadate.Oh!Thatremindsme.Ishouldprobablydeleteallmydatingapps.Idon’twantsomeoneseeingmeonBumbleorsomethingandthinkI’mcheatingonyou.”Shepulledoutherphone.“Youshoulddeleteyourstoo.Incaseyoumatchwithoneofthenursesorsomething.”
“Idon’thaveany.”
Shelookedatmeoverherphone.“Really?None?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
“Well,where’dyoumeetAmy?”
“Atwork.Andmygirlfriendbeforethattoo.”
“Wow.Sparedthehorrorsofonlinedating,”shesaid.“Luckyyou.”
“Idon’tevenknowwhatthey’relike.I’veneverbeenonone,”Isaid.
“Wannaseemine?”
“Sure,”Isaid,gettingbackuptositnexttoheronthesofa.Thecatfollowedmeandjumpeduponmylap.
Brianadidafewswipesandthenhandedmeherphone,opentoherprofile.
HermainpicturewastheoneofheratMinnehahaFallsinthegraybaseballhatandglasses.
Herinfowassparse.Drinkssocially,neversmokes,nokidsanddon’twantany.Herbioread:
Lookingforsomethingcasual.Someonetodofunthingswith.Mustlovetacos.AndbeadvisedIwillbeGooglingyouandI’mverygoodatit,sodon’tbotherifyou’renotwhoyousayyouare.Idon’twantanythingseriousandyou’renotgoingtoconvertme,sodon’tfallinlove.
“Youdon’twantanythingserious?”Iasked,lookingoverather.
“Nope.”
“Now?Orever?”
“Ever.”
Oh.
Hadherdivorcebeenthatbad?Amyhurtmetoo,butIwasn’treadytogiveup.Iwasn’treadytodateyet,buteventually.
Ihandedbackherphone.“Youliedonthere.”
“Uh,aboutwhat?”
“Yousaidyouliketacos.Thosearenotrealtacosyoulike.”
Shemadeafakeindignantface.“Oh,stop.”
“How’syourstomach?Everythingokay?”Iasked,grinningatherwithmyhandonthecat’sback.
“Mind.Your.Business,Jacob.Catwhisperer.I’mtakingyoutoTacoBellwithmeonedayandI’mgonnaeattenofthoseandyou’regoingtobeimpressedandnotatallgrossedout.”
Icrackedupandshelaughedwithme
God,thiswaseasy.
Iwonderedifshesawhoweasyitwastoo.Ormaybeforherallherfriendshipswerelikethis.Mineweren’t.Tohavethiskindofrapportwithsomeonesoearlyonwasunusualforme.
BrianamademethebestversionofmyselfwhenIwaswithhersomehow.
ShestoppedlaughingandsmiledatCooterinmylap.“Whydidyouandyourexbreakup?”sheasked,pettingthecat.
Iblewoutabreath.“It’shardtoexplain.”
Shewaited.
“It’slike…Iwasaprop.”
“Aprop?”
“Yeah.Likeshewasthemaincharacter,andIwashersidekick.Itwasalwaysabouther.Whatshewantedtodo,whatsheliked.Iwastherejusttobethere.AndwhenIfinallysaidsomethingaboutit,sheleft.”Ilaughedalittledryly.“Thefunnythingis,Jeremiahreallyishersidekick.Andhelikesit.Theylikeallthesamestuffandhe’sperfectlyhappyjustfacilitatingwhateveritisshewants.”
“Oh,Itotallygetthat.That’swhatit’slikewithmymomandGil.Hefollowsafterherlikeapuppydog.HowdidyourbrotherandAmymeet?”sheasked.
“Theyworktogether.Theyactuallykneweachotherbeforewemet.She’sapediatricianandhe’sanursepractitionerinthepediatricdepartmentatMemorialWest.”
“Isthatwhyyouleftthehospital?”
“ThatiswhyIleft.”Iletoutanotherlongbreath.“Whataboutyou?”Iasked.“WhathappenedwithyouandNick?”
Shepressedherlipstogetherandlookedatthecatinsteadofme.“Well.Weweretogetherfortwelveyears.Marriedforten.Andhespenttwoyearsofthathavinganaffairwithafriendofours.So.”
Ipeeredoverather.“I’msorry.”
“Yeah.Itwasprettymessedup.KellyandIhungout.Shetextedmealmosteveryday,whichjustmadethewholethingsomuchmoredisgusting.I’mprettysuretheemotionalaffairwentonalotlongerthanthephysicalone.IthinkhebasicallywishedIwasherformostofourmarriage.”Shelaughedalittle.“I’veneversaidthatoutloudtoanyoneelsebutAlexis.It’sembarrassing.”
“No,itisn’t.It’sjustpoortasteonhispartandpoorcharacteronhers.”
Shenodded,butshedidn’tlookatme.
“Anyway.Thenheproceededtofuckmeoverineverywaypossible.Thehousewashisfrombeforewegotmarried,andmynamewasn’tonit.Itwashisgrandmother’sandhehadmesignaprenupforit,soIgotnothingthere.Halfthestuffinsideofitwasmine.Igotawardedthat.Buttheywerelivingthere,soitwasalltaintedandgrossandIdidn’twantitanymore,soIhadtofighthimforoverayearincourttogetapayoutforit.”
Herfacehadgoneflat.
“It’shardtofindoutthatsomeoneyouloveisfinewithjustsettingyourlifeonfireandwalkingaway.”
Istudiedherface.“Iknowwhatyoumean.Amynevereventried.Wewenttoonetherapysession.Shewalkedoutandthatwasit.Brokeupwithme.”
Sheblinkedatme.“Thesameday?”
Inodded.“Sameday.Neverlookedback.”
“Whatthehellhappenedinthattherapysession?”
“IwashonestabouthowunhappyIwas.”
“Andherresponsetothatwastojustgiveup?”Sheshookherhead.
Ilookedawayfromher.“Ifeltbetrayedforareallylongtime,”Isaid.“AndthenshestarteddatingJeremiahandIfeltbetrayedagain.Andthentheygotengaged—andIrealizedthatIhadsurpassedmyabilitytobehurtmorethanIalreadyhadbeen.”
Shewentquietforamoment.Thenshelookedoveratme.“YouknowwhatIthinkabout?Ithinkaboutperfectmatches.Youknowhowwithanorgandonationaperfectmatchisn’treallyperfect?There’sstillachanceofrejection,evenifallthestarsalignliketheydidforyouandBenny.Nothingiseverperfect.There’sjustmatchesthathaveahigherchanceofworkingthanothers.Maybeyouguyswerelikethat.Itcouldhaveworked,butyou’dspendyourwholelifeforcingit.”
“Maybe.You’reprobablyright.”Iglancedather.“Whatifyourperfectmatchisoutthere?You’renotgoingtolook?”
Shescoffed.“It’stoolate.I’mdone.I’vehadenoughheartacheforalifetime.”Iheldhergaze,butsheturnedawayfromme.
“Anyway.IsitsadthatIwantAmytobejealous?”sheasked.“MaybeI’mjustprojectingmyownbitternessontothis,butIkindofwanthertoruethedaysheletyougo.WeneedtoputoutsomeseriousMorticiaandGomezAddamsvibeswhenImeether.Likewecan’tgetenoughofeachother,likewestoppedonthewayoverforaquickie.”
“Ithinkshe’salittlebeyondcaringwhatI’mdoingatthispoint.ButIappreciateyourcommitment.”
Adoorclosedsomewhereinthehouse.StairscreakedandBennycamedownthehall.
Brianalitup.“Hey,whereyougoing?”
Hestoppedontheothersideofthecoffeetable.“Justin’s.HegotaPlayStation.Hi,I’mBenny,”hesaidtomewithasmallwave.“Nicetomeetyou.”
“Jacob.Nicetomeetyou.”
HelookedbetterthanhedidthelasttimeIsawhim.Hewasstillfrail,butBrianawasright,heseemedbrighter,moreputtogether.
Itwasalittlestrangelookingatthisperson,knowingthatinafewmonthshe’dhaveoneofmykidneysinhisbody.ButIdidn’thavetoomuchtimetoponderthisbecauseBrianascootedoverandsnuggledupnexttome.
Icouldn’tevenbreathe.
“We’rejustgonnawatchamovieorsomething,”shesaid,puttingahandonmychest.“SetthealarmifyoucomehomeafterI’minbed,okay?”
“’K.Later.”Henoddedatusandleft.
Whenheshutthedoorbehindhim,Brianatippedherheaduptosmileatme.“Howwasthat?Wasitgood?”Herlipswereveryclosetomine.
Iclearedmythroat.“Itwasgood.”
“Yay!”shesaidbrightly.
Thenshemovedawayfromme.“WeneedtopracticetouchingbeforetheAmything.Thatwaywe’renotallstiffandweird.”
“Right.Goodidea.”
Myheartwasstillpounding.Thewholethingflungmeintosilence.Brianahadrenderedmemute,yetagain.
IpretendedIneededtoeatmyfriesallofasuddenandleanedforwardtograbthemfromthecoffeetable.WeatewithouttalkingwhilewewatchedTVandmyheartratefinallystabilized.
Afterafewminutes,shefinishedherburgerandputdownherto-gocontainerandwipedherhandswithanapkin.Thenshepulledherlegsuptoherchinandputhercheekonherkneesandpeeredatme.“Youknowwhatthesesilencesmakemethinkof?”shesaid.
Ilookedoverather.“What?”
“Ialwaysthinkthatwhenwe’requiet,we’reagreeingtobeharmlesstoeachother.Thatwe’rejustsharingthesamespaceandlettingeachotherexistexactlyasweare,andneitherofuswouldhurtorupsettheotherone.”
“Harmlesstoeachother?”Ilookedatherearnestly.“Idoagreetothat.”
Shesmiledalittle.
“Good.Iagreetothattoo.”Chapter22
Briana
Threeweeks.JacobandIhadbeeninourfakerelationshipforthreeweeks.AndIlovedit.
God,Ilikedhim.Like,Ireallyreallylikedhim.
Wespentprettymucheverydayofftogether—mostlywithhisfamilyorplaceswherewecouldtakegoodselfiesforInstagram.We’dmetJillandWalterfordinneratOutback.StoppedbyJane’swork,whereshemanagedasmallcatcafé,togetlattesandsayhi.Lastweek,we’dtakenthetwinstotheparksoJewelandGwencouldhaveafewhoursalone—Carterrolleddownahillandgotdizzy,thenbarfedallllloverJacob.Itwashilarious.Jacobwassuchagoodsport.Ilovedwatchinghimwiththekids.Hewassopatientandsweetwiththem.
Wewentforwalksandtocoffeeshops,tookGrandpatolunch.Heharassedmeforcigarettesthewholetime,butitwasstillfun.
EverytimeJacob’struckpulledintomydriveway,Igotexcited.Ihadsomeonetodothingswithagain.Tosharemyday.Toeatoutandseeamovieandhangoutwithonmydaysoff.
Ihadn’thadthatkindofcompanionshipinsolong.Evenbeforeweseparated,Nickhadbeensocheckedout.
JacobandItextedwhenweweren’ttogether,orwetalkedonthephoneorwroteletters.Weweresoreadyfortheengagementpartytonightitwasn’tevenfunny.WehadthePDAthingdownpat.Hewasprettyaffectionateoncehewascomfortable.Wheneveranyonewasaround,wejustheldhandsorstoodextraclose.Itwassupereasy.EspeciallybecauseIadoredhim.Iliterallyadoredhim.
Hewassosweet,andkind,andfunny,andself-deprecating,andawkwardlylovable.Ihadthisdeepurgetotakecareofhimandbabyhimandjustlovealloverhim.
TonightIwasgoingtohishouseforthefirsttime.Hewaspickingmeupandwewerestoppingtherefirst,thengoingtohisparents’housefortheengagementparty.Ihadn’tbeenovertohisplaceyet.IhadtoseeitbeforeImetAmyjustincaseitcameup.Iwassuperexcited.
Hepickedmeupatfour,andIjoggedouttothetrucktomeethim.
“Hey.”HesmiledasItossedmypurseontotheseatandgotin.Heheldupabag.“Igotyouaredvelvetdonut.”
Igrinned.“Youdid?”
“Ihavetofeedyouoryougetcrabbyandnonproductive.”
Igaspeddramatically.“Iamnevernonproductive.”
HelaughedasIgotbuckledin.ThenhebackedoutofthedrivewaywhileIduginthepastrybag.
“Where’sLieutenantDan?”Iasked
“Athome.Ididn’twanttoleavehiminthetruckwhileIranintogetyourdonut.”
Heglancedatme.“Youlooknice.”
“Thanks.”Ilookeddownattheredfloral,knee-lengthhalterdressIhadon.Theengagementpartywasaluau.Ihadabigfakeredhibiscusflowerinmyhair.JacobworeablackHawaiianshirtwithlargebirds-of-paradiseonit.ItwasveryhokeyandverynotJacob.He’dprobablyhadtogobuyit.
Accordingtohim,thispartywasexactlythekindofcrapAmyloved.Themed,loud,andlotsofpeople.
Itookabiteofthedonut.ThenIhelditoutinfrontofhimandhetookabitetoo.
“Sowhat’stheplan?”Iasked,lickingfrostingoffmythumb.“Whattimeiseveryonegettingthere?”
Hechewedandswallowed.“Thepartystartsatsix.Amy’sfamilywillbethereandsomeofherfriends.Myparentsarehavingitcatered.It’llprobablyrununtilnineorso.Weshouldstaythewholetime.”
“Gotit.Areyounervous?”
Hepaused.Hewasnervous.
Ihadgottentoknowhimsowelloverthelastfewweekshedidn’tevenhavetotellme.Iknewhisbodylanguage,andhisfacialexpressions,andallofhisquiets.
“Look,”Isaid.“I’mnotgoingtolietoyouandtellyouthisisn’tgoingtosuck.Butwe’vegotthis.”
Heglancedatmewithagratefulbutnotentirelyconvincingsmile.
Ihatedthathehadtogothroughthis.Iwouldn’thavebeenabletodoit.IfIhadtogotoNickandKelly’sengagementparty,I’dshowupinmyweddingdresstoburnthevenuedown.
Jacobwasn’tlikethat,though.Hewasdiplomaticandnotintheleastbitpetty.Hewasmoreinclinedtotakethehighground,puttheblameforsomeone’sbadtreatmentofhimonhimselfratherthanpubliclyadmitsomeonehaddonehimdirty.
IhadnooooproblemtellingeveryoneNickdidmedirty.Fuckhim.
WepulledontoJacob’sstreetandIcranedmynecktosee.HelivedinaquietwoodedneighborhoodinMinnetonka,afewblocksfromthelake.Ididn’tknowwhatI’dbeenexpecting,buthishousewasexactlyitthesecondIsawit.
Theplacewassmall.Itlookedfunnyonthelarge,tree-filledlot,almostlikeashedthathadbeenconvertedintoahome.Probablyavacationcottageonce,beingthatitwassoclosetothepopularlake.Nicecurbappeal.Hehaditalllandscapedandpretty,withhostasandlilacbushesthatwereactuallyprunedandmanaged—notlikemine.
Wegotoutandwalkedaroundtheyardfirst.Heshowedmethebirdbathandtheporchswingthatfacedthewoods.
ThenwecircledbacktothefrontandheopenedthedoortoanexcitedLieutenantDanandawarm,sunnylivingroom.Itwasanopenfloorplanwithanewlyremodeled,farm-stylekitchentotheleftandasmalltablewithtwochairs.HehadtwosophisticatedtanleatherreclinersinfrontoftheTVwhereacouchwouldnormallybe.
“Thisiscute,”Isaid,pettingthedogandlookingaround.“Butyoudon’thaveasofa.”
“Thechairsarecomfortable.”
“Yeah,butyoucan’tNetflixandchillinthese.Howdoyousnuggle?Andonlytwo?Whatifmorethanonepersoncomesover?”
“Idon’twantmorethanonepersontocomeover.”
“Clearly.Thehorror.”
Hegavemeanamusedlook.“Ijustlikepeoplemorewhenthey’renotaround.Presentcompanyexcluded.”
Ilaughed.
LieutenantDanfinishedwithmeandhoppedupontooneofthechairs,andIgaveJacobalook.“OhmyGod.Isthathischair?Youonlyhavetwochairsandoneofthemisforthedog?”
Hegavemeashrugandasmallsmile
Ishookmyheadandwanderedaroundlookingathisstuffwhilehefollowedmesilently.Hehadabigfloor-to-ceilingbookshelfwithframedphotostuckedintoit.Lotsofplants.Therewasaprescriptionbottleforanxietymedsnexttothecoffeemakerinthekitchen.
He’dnevermentionedbeingonmedicationforhisanxiety,butIkindoffigured.Ilikedthathemanagedhismentalhealth.Betterthanpunchingholesinwalls.
Ipickedupthebottleandshookit.“Doesithelp?”
Hegavemeanod.“Itdoes.Alot.”
“Good.”
Isetthebottledown.
Therewasaremarkableamountofcolorinhishouse.Yellowwalls,popsofblue,colorfulbacksplashinthekitchen,niceartwork.Hehadaprettychandelieroverthesmalltableandstainedglasshanginginawindow.
Hehoveredjustbehindme,quiet.Likethisinspectionwasatestandhewaswaitingforhisgrade.
“It’snotlikeIthoughtitwasgoingtobe,”Isaid,pickingupavanillacandleandsniffingit.
“Howdidyouthinkitwasgoingtobe?”heaskedfrombehindme.
Ishrugged,settingthecandledown.“Idon’tknow.Thewayguys’placesusuallyare.Coldandgrayandserious.Ortotallyemptyandyousleeponamattressonthefloor.Ilikeit,”Isaid,turningtohim.
Thecornersofhislipstwitchedup.
“Didyoudecorateityourself?”Iasked.
“Idid.”
“Youdidagreatjob.Youneedaframedpictureofus,though.Incaseyourfamilycomesover.”
“Ihaveone.It’snexttothebed.”
Iputahandonmychest.“Oh,sweetheart,you’vethoughtofeverything.”
Hegrinned.
Inoddedtowardthehallway.“DoIgettoseeyourbedroom?”
“Ofcourse.”
Ifollowedhimdownahalllinedwithframedfamilyphotos.Wepassedasmallhalf-bathroomontheleft.Heopenedadoorattheendofthehallwayandstoodbacktoletmein.
Hislargeroomwascleanandneat—hardwoodfloorswithanAztecrugunderthebed.Hehadawall-to-wallbookshelf,filledwithmorebooks.Aforestgreentuftedchairwithathrowpillowonitsatbythewindow.TherewasanotherbathroomattheotherendoftheroomandalargedogbedforLieutenantDaninthecorner.Hehadasmallworkoutareawitharowingmachine,andanorganizedweightrackwitharolledyogamatleaningagainstit.Therewereafewplants,anabstractpaintingovertheheadboard—andthebed,withawhiteduvetandamustard-coloredthrowfoldeddownattheend.
ThesecondIsawhisbed,myheartdidasmallsomersault.Thiswaswhereheslept.
Thisiswherehehassex…
Thethoughtofthatmademealittlebreathless.BecauseIwouldbelyingifIsaidIhadn’tthoughtaboutJacobandsexoverthelastthreeweeks.Alot
Ifoundhimunbelievablyattractive.Hewasingreatshape.ButIwasobsessedwithhiscollarbone.Itwasthemostrandomthing.IneverknewacollarbonecouldbesexyuntilJacob.MaybebecauseIsawsolittleofhisbody,IfoundthepartsIcouldseesoerotic?Hisforearms,hisneck,hisAdam’sapple.TheotherdayattheparkhewasplayingwithoneofthetwinsandhisshirthikedupandIalmostdiedlookingatthetwoinchesofstomachandthetrailofhairIgottosee.
AndIlovedthewayhesmelled.Whenwewereinfrontofpeopleweknewandwehadtolooklikeacouple,thefirstthingIdidwasgetcloseenoughtosmellhim.Itwaslikecleanlaundryandsoap.Thisroomsmelledlikethat.ThiswholeplacewasJacob,concentrated.
AndIcouldpictureusinthisbed.Icouldimagineuscomingbackafteradayofhangingoutandmaybewe’dbealittledrunkandmaybehe’dkissmeandmaybe…
Maybe…
Itwasadangerousword,maybe.AnditwasoneI’dbeenthinking.Alot.
Icouldn’tdenyhowIwasstartingtofeel.
ItwaslikeIwasoneoftheabusedanimalsherescued.LikeIwasbeingcoaxedoutwithfoodandsoftwordsandgentlepatsandIwasstartingtofeelsafe.AndmyhardNOtoneverbeinginarelationshipagainhadbeguntoturnintoamaybe…
Butonlywithhim
Notthathewasinterested.Notthatitwasagoodidea,evenifhewas.HewasstillinlovewithAmy.Weworkedtogether,hewasBenny’skidneydonor.Ifsomethingbetweenuswentbadly,Ididn’twantittoaffectourworkingrelationshiporhowhefeltaboutwhathewasdoingformybrother.Itwasn’tagoodideatomuddythingsorcrosslines.
ButIdidn’twantanyoneelseinthisbedwithhimeither.
Theideamademefeelsortofpanicked.
Ididn’twantanyoneelsetogethandwrittenletters.Ididn’twanthimtosmileatanotherwomanorhangoutwiththem.Ifeltoddlypossessiveofhimandthislittleuniversewe’dbuilt,whichwasequalpartsridiculousandscary,becausehowmuchofouruniversewasevenreal?
Hewasspendingtimewithmesowecouldsurvivethescrutinywe’dbeunderonceAmywasaround.Hewasprobablyonlycomingoversomuchtotakethepicturesweneededandgettoknoweachotherenoughtopulloffourfakedating.Ifthatwasn’tafactor,wouldhebehangingoutwithmeatall?
Hespokefrombehindme.“ItoldyouIhaveaheadboard.”
Ilaughedalittletooloudly.WhenIturnedaround,hewasleaninginthedoorway.Hehadhisarmscrossedandhewasgazingatmewiththosesoftbrowneyes.
Thereissomethingsointimateaboutbeinginaman’sbedroom.Probablybecausethere’sreallyonlyonereasonwhyyouwouldbe…
Iclearedmythroat.“Don’tyouhaveaplantroom?”Iasked.
Henodded.“Yeah.Comeon.”
Hepushedoffthedoorwayandtookmeacrossthehall.Whenheopenedthedoor,Isuckedinashockofair.
Itwasbeautiful.
Theremusthavebeenahundredpottedplantsinthere.
Itwasasunroomwithanantiquedeskpushedagainstawindowoverlookingthewoodedyard.Hehadcreepingvines,plumpsucculents,wide-leafedplants,andhangingbasketsofferns.Asmallfountaintrickledinthecorner.Itwasalittlehumidanditsmelledearthy.
Thisplacewasasecretenchantedgarden.
Butthenhiswholelifewas,Irealized.
Thiswashisprivateworldandalmostnobodyhadaccesstoit.Itwasbyinviteonly,designedtobesmallandhiddenawayandonlyforhim.Ifeltprivilegedtobehere.
Therewasalargeglassjarsittingonawoodenstandinthecorner.Ithadseveralplantsinside.Thetopwascorked.“What’sthat?”
“It’saterrarium,”hesaidfrombehindme.
“Howdoyouwaterit?”
“Youdon’t.It’saself-sustainingecosystem.Itwatersitself.”
“Huh.Cool.Mykindofplant.”
Iturnedtolookathim.“Youhaveaverybeautifullife,Jacob.”
SomethingthatIcouldn’treadmovedacrosshisface.“Thankyou,”hesaidquietly.
Inoddedatthedesk.“Isthiswhereyouwritetome?”
Heslippedhishandsinhispockets.“Yes.”
Ismiled.Ilikedtheideathathiswordswerebornhere,inthismagicalroom.Itwassohim
Jacobknewwhohewas.Hefeltsofullyformed.Grown-up.
Hislifewasmadeupofhundredsofthousandsoftinychoices,eachthinginitselectedbyhimandonlyhim,soitwasexactlywhathewanted.
Imaginebeingthewomanhepickedtojoinhimhere.Havingagentlemanlikethisonechooseyoutobeapartofhisprivate,insularworld.Tobeasspecialaseachthinghecarefullysurroundedhimselfwith.Howluckythatwomanwouldbe.AndIwonderedhowAmycouldn’thavefeltthatway.Howshecouldhavehadtheloveofamanlikethisoneandnotwantedit.
Ismiledsoftlyaroundtheroom.
IlikedthatJacobknewwhatheliked.Heknewwhatheneededandhebuiltalifearoundhimthatreflectedthat.
I’ddonethatonce.I’dbuiltalife.
Pickedoutfurnitureandframedphotosandputvacationsouvenirsonshelves.AndthenthemanI’ddoneitwithgaveittosomeoneelse.AndnowIlivedintheshatteredandfadingremnantsofmychildhoodinstead.IlivedwithpeelinglinoleumandshagcarpetanduglyfurnitureIhated.
Iwantedtobethiswholeagain.Iwould.AssoonasBennywashealthyagain,I’dmoveon.Moveout.Findaplacetomakelikethisone.BelikeJacob.
Beliketheoldme.
Isniffedandturnedtohim.“Thisroomremindsmeofsomethingmymomalwaysusedtosay.”
“What?”
“Unhombrequepuedemantenervivaunaplantatienelapacienciadeaguantartusmierdas.Itmeans‘Amanwhocankeepaplantalivehasthepatiencetoputupwithyourshit.’”
Hesmiled.
“I’veneverheardyouspeakSpanish,”hesaid.“It’sverybeautiful.”
Idon’tknowwhy,butthismademycheeksheatalittle.MaybebecausethewayhelookedatmewhenhesaiditfeltlikehewastellingmeIwasbeautiful.AndIlikedthatverymuch.Because,lookingaroundthishouse,Jacobknewbeautifulwhenhesawit.
Helookedathiswatch.“Weshouldprobablygetgoing.”Buthedidn’tmovefromthedoor.
Thefunpartoftheeveningwasover.Weweremovingontostagetwo,themainevent.Threesolidhoursofsocializing.
AndAmy.
Hewasnervous.Andprobablyalittleheartsick.Havingtowatchhisexcelebrateherengagementtohisbrotherwhileeveryonelookedontoseeifhe’ddieofabrokenheartwasn’tgoingtobeeasy.
“Doyouneedahug?”Iasked.
Hedrewhisbrowsdown.“What?”
“Youlooklikeyouneedahug.CanIhugyou?”
Weusuallydidn’ttouchunlessitwaspartoftheruse,smokeandmirrorsforanaudience.Butnobodywasheretoseethis,andIhonestlydidn’tknowifhe’devenletme.
Hegavemeoneofhisquietpauses.Andthenhenodded.“Yes.”
Iclosedthedistancebetweenusandwrappedmyarmsaroundhim.“Iamhereforyou,”Iwhispered.“We’llgetthroughthistogetherandeverythingwillbeokay.”
Herespondedbyhuggingmeback.Hetuckedmyheadunderhischin,andIfelthishandsdrawmecloser.Awarm,firmcagethatIdidn’twantoutof.Andhemustnothavewantedouteitherbecausethattinyhourglassofappropriatehugtimebetweenfamilyandfriendsranoutandwejust…stayed.
AndIletmyselfmeltintoit.
Hewassolid.Strong.Butalsosoftsomehow,likeyoucouldcrashintohimandnotgethurt.Thepulseofhisneckbeatagainstmycheek.Thescentofhisskinsonearteasedmeandsomethingwarmtingledinsideofmeatthefeelofhisbodyheldtomine.
AllIcouldthinkaboutwashowclosehisbedroomwas.HowallIhadonunderthisdresswasathinG-stringandaneasilyremovedstraplessbra.
Icouldfeelhisbreathticklemyshoulder.Hismouthwasrightthere.
Iwonderedifhewantedtotouchme.Ifhethoughtaboutittoo.IfhelikedthewayIsmelled,andlooked,andfeltpressedagainsthim.
Ormaybeforhimitwasexactlywhatitwassupposedtobe.Nothingbutaplatonicarrangement.
Worse.
MaybewhenItouchedhim,hewishedIwasher
Itwasenoughtosnapmeoutofit,andIpulledawayfirst.
WhenIlethimgo,hishandsslidfrommybackdowntomywaistandwestoodtherelikethatforafractionofasecond.Iclearedmythroatandtookanotherstep.Hishandsfellawayfromme.
“Ready?”Iasked,myvoiceatouchtoohigh.
Hepeeredatme,studyingmyfaceforamoment.Thenhenodded.“Ready.”Chapter23
Jacob
Thosemotherfuckersarealwaysuptosomething,”Brianasaid.
Wewereparkedinfrontofmyparents’house.
Ishookmyheadather.“No.Givemesomethingelse.”
“Nope.That’sit.‘Thosemotherfuckersarealwaysuptosomething.’That’stheget-out-of-jailcatchphrasefortheday.”
“Ican’tsaythat,”Isaid.
“Whynot?”
“It’snothowItalk.”
“Jacob,thisisn’tsupposedtobeeasy.Youhavetoearnit.”
ShegavemeaseriouslookandIcouldn’thelpbutsmile.Shewasso,sobeautiful.
“Ican’tworkthewordmotherfucker,”Isaid,loweringmyvoiceonthelastword,“intoacasualconversation.”
“Why?Jafardoesitallthetime.”
Isnorted.
“Thisisthephrase.Ithastobehardoryou’lljustdropitthesecondyougetinthere.Youhavetoworkforyouralone-on-the-stairs-with-the-dogtime.”Shegavemeaplayfullook.
“Allright.ButI’mtellingyourightnow,Imightnotbeabletodoit.”
“Ofcourseyouwill.Ibelieveinyou,andhowbadlyyouwantoutofsocialcommitments.”
Ilaughed.
We’djustdrivenoverfrommyhouse.Shesawitforthefirsttimetoday.Shelikedit.
Iwantedhertolikeit.
I’dspentdaysmakingsureitwasperfect.I’dboughtanewduvetcoverandarugfortheentryway.Idustedallmyplantsandbleachedthesink.Weededthegardenandorganizedmybooks.Iwantedhertobeimpressed.
“Givemeasectotouchupmylipstick,”shesaid,pullingdownthesunvisor.
Iletmyeyesmovedownherbodywhileshewasn’tpayingattention.HerdresswashikedupandIlingeredonherthighforasplitsecondbeforeIforcedmyselftolookaway.
Whenshewasinmybedroom,myhearthadthuddedharderthaniteverhadinmylife.Justherstandingthereturnedmeon.I’dhadtoadjustthefrontofmypants.
Icouldn’tstopthinkingabouther.Allofher.Allthetime.Anditgotworseeveryday.
Andthehug…
IknewthesciencebehindwhatI’dfelt.Thatthepressureofhercontactwassendingsignalstomyautonomicnervoussystem,quietingdownmyfight-or-flightresponse,oxytocinwasbeingreleased,creatingafeelingofcalmandbonding.
Butotherthingshadhappenedtoo.Thingsthatwouldn’thappenifI’dhuggedmysister.
Icouldstillsmellherperfumeonmyshirt.Icouldstillfeelwhereshe’dbeenpressedintomybody,andIcouldn’tignorehowmuchIlikedit.HowbeautifulIthoughtshewastoday,howniceshesmelled.HowgratefulIwasthatshewasdoingthis,forwhateverreason.Andallthisstrengthenedmydesiretoreturnthefavorthatwasafavortomyfavor.AllIwantedtodotheselastfewweekswastoshowherhowmuchIappreciatedherandvaluedherfriendship.Mybrainhadbrokenofffromworryingabouttheweddingandallthatsituationentailed,andithadmovedontohowIcouldlookafterBriana.Aquietobservationofherwell-beinghadgrowninsideofmethewayitdidforallthepeopleIcaredabout.Onlynotthesame.
Notthesameatall.
Sheclosedthevisorandsmackedherlips.“Done.”
“Iguessweshouldgetout,”Isaid.
“Yeah.Areyouready?”
“I’mneverreadyforaparty.IjustcometotermswiththefactthatIhavetogoinside.”
Shelaughed.
“Whyaretheydoingithere?”sheasked,gatheringupherpurse.“Theycouldn’trentarestaurantoradininghallorsomething?”
“Everyonedoeseverythinghere.Momlikesit.It’sherwayofalwayshavingusaround.”
“Huh.That’ssmart,Iguess.They’renotgettingmarriedhere,arethey?”
“No.IthinksomehotelontheNorthShore.”
LieutenantDanmadeanimpatientwhiningnoisefromthebackseat.HewantedtoseeMom.
Isighed.“Allright.Comeon.Let’sgo.”
Whenwegotinside,thehousewasempty.Thepartywasaluau-themedpigroastatthepool.Everyonewasoutback.Wewentthroughthelivingroomtotheslidingglassdoorsofftheupperdeck,andwecouldseeeveryonethroughthewindow.IletLieutenantDanouttogofindMom,butBrianaandIstoppedtheretolook.
Mywholefamilywasoutside,alongwithAmy’sparentsandhersister.AfewofmycousinsmilledaroundbythepoolwithMom’sbestfriend,Dorothy.Amy’sbestfriend,Shannon,andhercollegeroommatewereoverbythebar.AfewcoworkersandAmyandJeremiah’sfriendssatatthetables.Thereweretikitorcheslitandlightsstrungovertheyard.Momhadhiredabartender,anddrinksinpineapplesandcoconutswerefloatingabout.ThetwinswererunningbetweentablesandGrandpawasdrivingsofastinhiswheelchairthroughthecrowdpeoplehadtojumpoutoftheway.
AmystoodinthemiddleofthethrongwithJeremiahpettingLieutenantDan.MybrotherwasinaredHawaiianshirt,tellingsomeanimatedstory,andAmyworeawhitecocktaildresswithaleiaroundherneck,laughingatwhateverhewassaying.
ThiswasonlythesecondtimeI’deverseenthemtogetherasacouple.Onceatthebarwhentheybroketheweddingnews,andnow.Butthistimewasdifferent.Itdidn’tstingthewayitdidlasttime.Actuallyitdidn’tfeellikeanythingatall.
No.Itfeltlikerelief—becausethatcouldhavebeenmedownthere,atmyownengagementpartywithher.Andthatwouldhavebeenthebiggestmistakeofmylife.
Iwasgladitwasoverbetweenus.
IthinkthiswasthefirstmomentthatIactuallyfeltthisway.Iwasgladitwasover.
Ididn’tmissher.Seeingherwithsomeoneelsedidn’tbotherme.Atall.MaybebecauseforthefirsttimeinmylifeIspentmydayswithsomeonewhoseemedtounderstandme,andthecomparisonjusthighlightedhowwrongAmyandIhadbeentogether.AndthenIwonderedwhyI’dletitdragonwithheraslongasIdid.
HowmanyyearsdidIwastebeingthatunhappy—thatlonely?WhydidIwaitsolongtodoanythingaboutit?Tosaysomethingtoher?ToletherknowhowIfelt?I’djuststayed,andIwasmiserable.
“Areyouokay?”Brianawhispered.
Ishookmyhead,thinkingaboutallthetimeIlost.“No.”
AndIwasn’tdonepayingforit.BecauseIstillhadtogetthroughtoday.ThiswasAmyandJeremiah’sparty,butIwastheentertainment.
“Everyone’sgoingtobelookingatme,”Isaidquietly.
“No.They’regoingtobelookingatme.AndI’mgoingtobelookingatyou.Likethis.”
Sheputherhandsonmychestandpeeredupatmelovingly.Longlashes.Deepbrowneyes.
Beautiful.
Myheartstartedtopound,thesamewayithadwhenshe’dbeeninmybedroom.Itpoundedthewayitdidwhenshecalled,orwhenIsawaletterfromher,orwhenshecameoutofherhouseandjoggeddownthesteps.
Andshewaslookingatmenowlikeshelovedme.
Iknewitwasn’ttrue.Butitfelttrue.Everyoneelsewouldthinkitwas.
Istaredbackather.ShewasholdingmygazeandsmilingsoftlyandinthatmomentIwantedtoleandownandkissher,thesamewayI’dwantedtoearlieratmyhouse.
WhatwouldshedoifIdid?
IwantedtoknowifsheeverthoughtofmelikeIthoughtofher.Ifshegotexcitedtoseeme.Ifshehadfeelingsformebeyondourfriendship,orifshe’deverthoughtaboutitbeingmorethanthis.Iwantedtoknowifanyofthiswasreal.Becauseitwasstartingtofeelreal.Atleastforme.
Iclearedmythroatandlookedaway.“Comeon.Let’sgetthisoverwith,”Isaid.
TheBeachBoyswereplayingwhenwecameoutside.Ablenderwasrunning.Therewereprobablyatleastahundredpeoplehereandthepartywasloud,butitfeltlikeeverythinghushedthesecondwestartedmakingourwaydownthestairs.
Everyonewaslookingatus.
Briana’shandslippedintomineandtightened,andIrealizedhowabsolutelyunbearablethiswouldhavebeenwithouther.IfIhadtocomeherealone,Iwouldn’thavebeenabletodoit.
“Theretheyare!”Momsaid,spottingus.Sheclosedthedistancebetweenuswithacoconutdrinkinonehandandaleiintheother,LieutenantDanhoppingatherfeet.“Iwaitedtocarvethepiguntilyoutwogothere,”shesaid,huggingBrianaandslippingthefresh-flowernecklaceoverherneck.Shekissedmehello,andthepartysoundsresumedaroundus.
Gwen,Jewel,andWaltercameover.MomlefttogreetmoreguestsandIstoodquietlywhileBrianamadesmalltalkonmybehalf,myanxietyatalowhum.
IhadtogointroduceBrianatoAmyandJeremiahandsayhi.Soon.
Itwouldneverbeasawkwardasitwouldberightnow.Iknewwejusthadtogetthisinitialintroductionoverwith,leteveryonestareatus,andtherestwouldonlygeteasier.ButIwasdreadingit.Iwastryingtorallymycouragetogooverthere.Butintheend,AmyandJeremiahcametous.
“Youmadeit!”Amysaid,breezinginandpartingthegroup.
“Thanksforcoming.”Jeremiahbeamed,cominginforahuginthatconfidentwaymylittlebrotherhad.Theeasyrapportofaslightlydrunkextrovertsurroundedbyhisownpeopleathisownparty.
Ifeltfrozen.
Shutoffagain,likethatdayinBenny’shospitalroom.Renderedmutebythecomplicateddynamicofthisimpossiblesituationandallthepeoplewatchingme.Everysinglepersonatthispartywasholdingtheirbreath,wondering,HowwillJacobdealwithseeingAmywithhisbrother?
Mydogpushedhisheadundermyhand
Amy’seyeswentbackandforthbetweenmeandBriana.“Andthisis…?”sheaskedwhenIdidn’tintroducethem.
“Briana,”Brianasaid,smilingatmyex.“Congratulationsontheengagement.”
Iclearedmythroat.“Thisismygirlfriend,”Imanaged.
“Iknow!”Amysaid,alittletoobrightly.“Theytoldusyouhadone.Wecouldn’tbelieveit.”
Idon’tthinkshemeantittocomeoutlikethat,butitdid.IfeltBrianatensenexttome.
“Iknowwhatyoumean,”Brianasaidcurtly.“WhenJacobtoldmewhatthispartywasfor,Icouldn’tbelievethateither.”
Amy’smouthfellopen.Walterburiedhisnoseinhiscupofbeer,Gwensuckedairthroughherteeth,andJewelwhispered,“Damn.Doublehomicide,”underherbreath.
Jeremiahshiftedhisfeet.“IwasjusttellingAmythatthetwoofyouworktogether?”hesaid,tryingtochangethesubject.
“Yes,”Isaid,regainingsomeofmycomposure.“Briana’sanERphysicianatRoyaume.”
“Doyoulikeit?”Amyaskedherwithaforcedsmile,obviouslytryingtomakeconversationtosalvagethebadstart.
“Workingwithhim?Iloveit,”Brianasaid.Shelookedupatmewithstarsinhereyes.“Youknowwhathesaidtometheotherday?Youguyswilllovethisstory.Wehadthispatientwithadeglovinginjurytothescalp.Halfhisfacewaspeeledoff,reallygory.Anyway,wepatchedthisguyupandJacobgrabsmeandpullsmeintoasupplyclosetandlooksmeintheeyeand
Ialmostchokedonmylaugh.Herstorywassounexpecteditcompletelythrewmeoutofmyanxietyspiral.
AmylookedbackandforthbetweenuslikeshewastryingtotellwhetherBrianawasjoking.
Icoughedintomyfist,stillsmiling.“It’strue.Isaidit.”
Amypressedherlipsintoaline.“That’ssosweet,”shesaidflatly.
Brianaclutchedmyarm.“He’salwayssayingstufflikethattome.He’ssoromantic.”Shegrinnedupatmeforasecond,thenlookedbackatAmy.“We’removingintogether.”
Myheadwhippedtostareather.
Amylookedbackandforthbetweenus.“You’re…movingintogether.”Shesaiditslowly,likemaybeshedidn’tunderstand.
“Yeah.Hepracticallybeggedme,”Brianasaid.“AndthenIwaslike,you’reright,thewallsatmyplacearewaaaaytoothin,we’rekeepingtheneighborsupallnightandthispoorguy’salwaystoodehydratedtodrivehomeafter…Anyway,it’sbeensonicetomeetyou,”Brianasaid.“ButIneedadrink.Jacob?Wantadrink?”
“Sure?”
Thenshedraggedmetowardthebarandleftthemstandingthere.
Well.Thatwasover.
“Ihateher,”Brianahiss-whisperedassoonaswewereoutofhearingdistance.
“Don’thateher,”Isaid,stillchuckling.“I’msurethisisn’teasyforhereither.”
ShemutteredsomethinginSpanish.Thenshepulledmeintoaquietspotnexttothepoolhouse.Sheclosedhereyesandletoutalongbreaththroughpursedlipslikeshewastryingtosettleherselfdown.Whenshelookedatmeagain,sheshookherhead.“I’msorry,”shesaid,softernow.“IgetveryprotectiveoverpeopleIcareabout.AndIdidnotlikethat.”
“It’sokay,”Isaid,tryingtohidehowmuchIlikedthatshejustsaidshecaredaboutme.
Shecrossedherarms.“Imean,whatisherproblem?Wasthatnecessary?IcOuLdN’tBeLieVeyOuHaVeaGiRlFriEnD,”shesaidinamockvoicethatwassupposedtobeAmy.“Whyexactlyisthatsohardtobelieve?You’reaten.Whatissofuckingconfusing??”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“YouthinkI’maten?”
“You’reaneleven.”
Ipeereddownather,grinning.“Soyou’dstilllovemeevenifIdidn’thaveaface?”
Thisdrewalaugh,despiteherannoyance.
“Wheredoyoucomeupwiththisstuff?”Iasked,smiling.
“Iamverygoodatad-libbing.Seriously,though.Ireallyhopeyoudon’tletanythingshesaysgettoyou.”
“She’snotameanperson.Idon’tthinkthatcameoutthewaysheintended.”
“Yeah,well,she’dbetterlearntobealittlemoreintentionalwhenitcomestoyou,becauseI’mnotgoingtoputupwithit.Iwastwosecondsawayfromtakingmyhoopsout.”
Ilookedather,amused.“Youknow,youactuallyscaremealittlebit…”
“YouhavenoideahowscaryIcanbe.”
Icrossedmyarms.“Youdorealizethatyou’rereallygoingtohavetolivewithmenow,right?”
“Oh,ha-ha.”
“I’mserious.Myfamilycomesoverunannouncedallthetime.They’llknowyoulied.”
Shewavedmeoff.“Putapinktoothbrushinyourbathroom.”
“That’snotgonnadoit.”
Thefunnythingwas,Iwantedhertostaywithme.Ididn’tlikeitwhenshewenthomeatnight.Ididn’tevenlikeitwhenwebothgotoffandwehadtogetintoseparatecarstomeetlaterfordinner.I’dloveitifshewasstayingatmyhouse,evenifIwasonlygettingheronatechnicality.
EvenifIwasonlygettingherfornow.
Anhourandahalflaterthecatererhadcarvedthepig.Achocolatefountainwithpineappleandstrawberrieshadbeenrolledoutandtheflamethrowershadjustfinishedtheiract.Momdidknowhowtothrowaparty.
Iwasrelaxed.We’dspentthetimetalkingtoJill,Jewel,Walter,andGwenatalongpicnictablenearthetikitorches.
IthinkBrianamusthaveimpressedJewelearlierbecausemysistersidleduptoherlikeshe’dfoundanewmemberofherdogpack.Jewelrespondedtostrongfemaleleadership.
Brianawassittingsoclosetomeherlegpressedintomine.Ihadahandonherknee,andshekeptleaningintomyarm.IalmostforgotIwasatmyex’sengagementparty.OrthatIwasatapartyatall.
Brianadidthattome.
Itwasweirdtosay,butshemademefeelalone—thewayIfeltwhenIwasbymyself.Calmandunaffected.Likeitwasjustushereandnotahundredotherpeople.
Ilikedbeingalone.Withher
Thekaraokeportionoftheeveningbegan.BrianaleanedintowhispersoclosetomyearIcouldhaveturnedmyheadandkissedher.
“ThispartyisbroughttoyouonthebacksoftheFourHorsemenoftheApocalypse,”shesaidquietly.
“Youdon’tlikekaraoke?”Iasked,turningslightlysothatourlipswereafractionofaninchapart.
“Ido.Buttodaywe’reinyourhell,notmine.”
IwaslaughingatthiswhenMomandDadcametothetablewithAmyandJeremiahrightbehindthemholdingplatesofchocolate-dippedfruit.Theyallsatdown.Amygaveusatightsmile,andBrianareturneditwithoneofherown.
Jeremiahnudgedhisfiancée.“I’mgoingup.WhatshouldIsing?”
Amybitherliplikeshewasthinking.“‘500Miles’bytheProclaimers.”
“Awwwww,cute!”Jillsaid.
Mybrotherthrewbacktherestofhisdrinkandranuptothestage.
“Sohowisyourbrother?”DadaskedBriana.“I’vebeenmeaningtoaskyou.Yousaidhewasinthehospital?Thedayyoutwomet?”
BrianaandImadeeyecontactforasplitsecond.Wehadn’tgottenaroundtotellingmyfamilyaboutBenny.Iguessnowwasasgoodatimeasany.Igaveherthesmallestnod.
Shelookedbackateveryone.“Well,actually,wehavealittleannouncementaboutthat.MybrotherBenny’sinrenalfailure.He’sondialysis.Hehasararebloodtype,anditwaslookinglikehemightnevergetakidneydonor.”Shepausedtohugmyarm.“ButJacobisgivinghimoneofhiskidneys.”
Thewholetablefroze.
“Jacob…”Mombreathed.
Jewel’shandsflewtohermouth.
Jillblinkedatme.“Thatissuchabeautifulgift.”
Amyjuststared.
Brianawastearingup.“Hedidallthetestingwithouteventellingme.Hejustdidit.”ThenshelookedatMom.“Hesaidhewasdoingitbecauseofyou.Becausesomeonediditforyouonce.”
Momputahandoverherheart.“Suchagoodman,”Momsaid.“Oh,Jacob,I’msoproudofyou.”
Iletasmall,reluctantsmilecreepthrough.Allmysistersweregrinning.Walterwasnodding.Dadwassmilingatme,lookingproud.
AndAmywasleaningbackinherseatwithherarmscrossed.
IpeeredoveratBriana.Shewasbeamingatme.
“It’slikeIalwayssay,”Momsaid,wipingunderhereyes.“Loveshowsup.That’showyouknowwhenit’sreal.Andwhatabeautifulwaytoshowupforsomeone,Jacob.”Thenshelookedupovermyhead.“Oh,dear.SomeonegaveGrandpaacigarette.”Shestartedtogetup.“Probablyyourcousins.”
“Thosemotherfuckersarealwaysuptosomething,”Isaid.
Brianabarkedoutalaugh,andIleanedintoherandsnickered.Iwashavingsomuchfun.
Brianasmiledupatme,stillgiggling.“Jacob,canyougetmypurse?IthinkIleftitinthetaxidermyroom.”
Shewasgivingmemyouttogotakeabreak.
Igotup.“Sure.”
ImadeeyecontactwithherbeforeIleft.Shewasgoingtofollowme.Icouldtell.Icouldn’twaittobealonewithher.Thatwasthereward.Notslippingoutofthepartyorsittingonthestairswiththedog.Itwasgettinghertomyself.
Islippedintothetaxidermyroomandwaitedfiveminutes,andwhenthedoorcreakedopen,Iturnedandsmiled.Butitwasn’tBriana.
ItwasAmyChapter24
Jacob
Amyshutthedoorbehindher.“Doyouhaveasecond?”sheasked.
Iblinkedather.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Ijustneedtotalktoyou.”
Ieyedher.“Allright…”
Icouldn’timaginewhatshewantedtotalkabout.We’dbarelyspokensincewebrokeup.
Shepausedforamoment.“Whatareyoudoing,Jacob?”
“What?Whatdoyoumean?”
“‘I’dloveyouevenifyoudidn’thaveaface’?Usingthewordmotherfucker?Movingintogether?”Sheshookherhead.“Whatisthis?”
Ifeltmyheartratepickup.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”
“I’mconcernedaboutyou,”shesaid.“You’revulnerablerightnow.Youjustwentthroughadifficultbreakupandyoumeetthiswomanandshe’smovingin?Already?”
Icrossedmyarms.“You’remarryingJeremiahalready.”
Shecrossedherarmstoo.“I’veknownJeremiahtwoyearslongerthanI’veknownyouandweworktogethereveryday—”
“BrianaandIalsoworktogether.”
“Andinlessthansixmonthsshe’slivingwithyou?”
Ishookmyheadather.“Whydoyoucare?”
“Whatifshehasanulteriormotive.”
“Likewhat?”Iscoffed.
“Likegettingyoutodonateakidneytoherbrother?”
Thewordshitmelikeasmack.
“Didyoustartdatingbeforeoraftersheknewwhatyouweredoing?”sheasked.
Iwentquiet.Andmysilenceconfirmedheraccusation.
“I’mjustsayingthatyoushouldbecareful,”shesaid,goingon.“Itseemsoddthatshe’ssoinloveandyoutwojustmet.”
Ifeltmyselfbristle.“Whyisitsohardforyoutobelievethatsomebodymightwantme?”Isnapped.“Justbecauseyoudidn’t?”
Hermouthfellopen.“ItwasneverthatIdidn’twantyou.Youknowthat.Itwasn’tworking.Weweretoobrokentofix—”
“Youdidn’twanttofixit.”
“Youwouldn’ttalktomeaboutanything!IfeltlikeIwashavingaone-sidedconversationforthelasttwoandahalfyears—”
“Youwere!Thankyouforfinallynoticing!”
Sheloweredhervoice.“Youarebeingsounfair.Iwasopentotherapy.Andwewentintothatsessionandyoutoldmeyoudidn’twanttohavekidswithme.Youdidn’twanttolivewithme,andyoudidn’twanttogetmarried.Howcouldweworkitoutwhenyouwerethatunhappy?Youhatedmesomuch—”
“Ineverhatedyou.Ididn’twantkidsuntilweunderstoodeachotherbetter.That’snotunreasonable.Andwhyareweeventalkingaboutthis?It’sover.”
Shenodded.“Right.Itis.ButIstillcarewhathappenstoyou.Icareifsomeonetakesadvantageofyou.Doyouwanttowakeupsixmonthsfromnowandrealizeyou’vebeenconnedintodonatinganorganforsomeoneyoudon’teventalktoanymore?Imeanhowdoyouknowshe’sevenwhoshesayssheis—”
“Stop.Rightnow.”Istoodthere,breathinghard.Ididn’twanttohearanotherwordofit.
Iwasn’tangrybecauseofanyoftheoldshitwewerearguingabout.Icouldn’tcarelessatthispointwhathadgonewrongbetweenusorwhatgrudgesshestillheldorhowwecouldhavesalvagedit.Iwasupsetbecauseshewasspeakingmyworstfearintotheuniverse
Ididn’tknowhowBrianafelt—ifshefeltanythingatall.Maybeshewasjustdoingthisforthekidney.Ihonestlydidn’tknow.AndnowIworriedmaybeAmywasseeingsomethingthatIdidn’t.MaybeitwaspainfullyobviousthatBrianacouldneverreallywantme,andeveryoneknewitbutme.Itmademepanicandfeeldefensiveandexposedandhopeless.
BecauseIwasfallingforher.
Thatwasthetruthofit.Iwasfallingforher.
IwasalreadyafraidtolookdirectlyatwhatwashappeningbetweenmeandBrianaforfearitwoulddisappear.AndIdidn’tlikeAmyquestioningitordiscreditingit—mostlybecauseevenIdidn’tknowifitwasanythingforBrianaotherthantheperformancewe’dagreedtoputon.
Somethingclatteredinthehallway.Jafarsquawked.“Peekaboo,cocksucker!Bieber!Bieber!”
Amystoodthere,hurt.Shewasn’tlookingmeintheeye.HerchinquiveredandIinstantlyfeltbadforbeingsoshortwithher.
Idraggedahandthroughmyhair.“Look.Noneofthisevenmatters.It’sdone.Andyouknowwhat?I’mgladit’sdonebecauseyou’rewithwhoyoushouldbewith.”Ipaused.“AndsoamI.”
“Iknow,”shesaidquietly.“Ijust…Ifeelresponsibleforyou.Idon’twantyoutogethurt.Iwouldhatethat.”Shelookedbackatme.“Ijustwantyoutobeokay.Iwantyoutobehappy.AshappyasIam.”
Igaveherasmallnod.“Iknow,”Isaid,myvoicelow.“Ibelievethat.”
Shepausedforamoment.Thensheseemedtodecidesomethingandsheclosedthespacebetweenusandgavemeahug
“I’msorry,Jacob,”shewhispered.“I’msosorryIhurtyou.”
Iletoutalongbreath.“I’mnothurt,”Isaid,huggingherback.“Notanymore.”
Anditwasthetruth.BecauseInolongercared.
IlovedAmy.ButIwasnotinlovewithher.Isawthatnow.Iwascompletelyandutterlyoverit.Iwasn’tangry.Iwasn’tresentful.ThishugwasasplatonicasifIwashuggingmysister—andIwas.
ItoccurredtomethattheuniversehadsetsomethingtorightswhenshechoseJeremiah.Thatmaybethiswasthewayitwasalwayssupposedtobe.Amywasalwayssupposedtobeapartofthisfamilyandapartofmylife.Shejustwasn’tforme.Anditwasobvioustomewhowas.
“Youdon’thavetoworryaboutme,”Isaid,tuckingherundermychin.“BecauseI’mhappy.AndeverythingbetweenmeandBrianaisreal.”
OnlyIhadnoideaifthatwasthetruth.Buteitherway,todaywasthedayIwasgoingtomusterthecouragetofindout.Chapter25
Briana
IwaitedfiveminutesandthenIexcusedmyselftofollowJacobintothetaxidermyroom.
Nobodynoticedwe’dleftthetable.Thepartywasinfullswing.Jeremiahwasbelting“500Miles”onthestageandeveryonewassingingthechorus.Islippedintothehouseandmademywaydownthehall,andthat’swhenIheardthevoices.Jacob’sandAmy’svoices.Theywerearguing.
Myheartsank
Ibackedupagainstthebookshelftolisten,barelybreathing.
“ItwasneverthatIdidn’twantyou…”Amysaid.
Moremuffledfighting.
“…one-sidedconversationforthelasttwoandahalfyears.”Amyagain.
“Youwere!Thankyouforfinallynoticing!”heyelled.
I’dneverheardJacobangry.I’dneverseenhimupset.Ididn’tevenknowhewascapableofit.
Butofcoursehewascapableofit.Becauseitwasher
ThiswasjustlikeallthetimesI’dstumbledontoKellyandNickarguing.Fightingbecausetheycouldn’tbetogether.Fightingbecausetheywereinlovewitheachotherandfrustratedbecauseithurt.Youdon’targuewithsomeoneyoudon’tgiveashitabout.
Hewasstillinlovewithher.
Jacobwasnotoverthis.
Buttheworstpartofallwasthatneitherwasshe.
Amymusthavefollowedhiminhere.WaiteduntilshecouldgethimalonetocomecornerhimwhenJeremiahwouldn’tnotice.
Ormaybeshedidn’t.Maybehe’dcorneredher
Andjustlikethat,myMaybeICouldDateHimturnedintoaresoundingNo.
AndIwasso,sodisappointed.Likearughadbeenpulledoutfromunderme.
IwasinstantlyremindedthatthisarrangementwasexactlywhatJacobsaiditwas—anarrangement.
Hehadn’tbeenfallingforme.Noneofthiswasreal.Hewaspiningoversomeoneelse.Andthatsomeoneelsehadn’tresolvedherfeelingsforhim,despitebeingengagedtohisbrother.
Iwantedtocry.Itwassofuckedup
Somethinginmyguttoldmethey’dgetbacktogether.ThatIwaswitnessingthemomenttheybothrealizedthatseeingeachotherwithsomeoneelsewasjusttoohard.
She’dprobablygottenjealousseeingustogether.Thiswasprobablygettingtoorealforher—theweddingwasbarrelingtowardher,Jacobhad“movedon,”andshewasgettingarealitycheckrealizingthatsheandJacobweretrulyover—andshecouldn’thandleit.
Ialreadyknewhowhefelt.HetoldmethedayIagreedtoourcharade:Iloveher.
Unresolvedlovealwayscirclesback.Itlingers.Itfesters.Itbuildsinsideofyouuntilithastocomeout,anditputrefieseverythingelse.Itmakesyouresentwhoyou’rewithbecausetheycan’tbetheoneyoureallyloveandneverwillbe.Itmakesyoucompareandfeeldisappointedeverytimeyourealizenooneisasgoodasher
Iknewthisbetterthananyone.I’dalreadyliveditonce.
Somethingcrashedbehindme.
“Peekaboo,cocksucker!Bieber!Bieber!”
Jafarhadknockedaframeofftheshelf.I’dbeensofocusedonlisteningIdidn’tevenseethebirdflyin.
Itorearoundthecornerbeforethedooropenedandwentbacktotheparty.
HalfanhourlaterJacobandIdrovehomeinsilence.He’dcomeoutofthehousequietandanxious.Amycameoutafewminuteslater,lookinglikeshe’dbeencrying.
HewassoobviouslybotheredIdidn’ttellhimI’dheardhisfightwithAmyoraskhimwhatwaswrong.Honestly,Iwastooupsettoask.
IwonderedwhatI’ddonetobecursedtorelivethedynamicsofmyshittymarriageoverandoverandoveragain.
Itwasn’tJacob’sfault.He’dbeenclearwithmerightoutofthegatethathestilllovedhisex.I’dknownthisgoingin.Icouldn’tevenbemad.Butitsucked.AllIwantedtodowasgethomesoIcoulddwellonitandfeelsorryformyselfinprivate.
Hehadlipstickonthecollarofhisshirt.
Itwasnexttoaredflowerontheprint,soitwasn’tsuperobvious,butIsawit.Amywaswearingredlipstick.
IswearIcouldsmellherperfumeonhim.Itwasprobablyjustmyimagination,butIkeptgettingthefaintestwhiffofpeonywhenhemoved.Iwantedtothrowup.
Hadhekissedher?Hadshekissedhim?Whathadhappenedinthatroom?Istoppedbreathingthroughmynoseandjuststaredoutthewindow.Whathadhappenedwasnoneofmybusiness.
HepulleduptomyhouseandIbarelywaitedforthetrucktocometoastop.“I’llseeyoutomorrow,”Isaidflatly,gettingout.
Hedidn’tsaybye.
WhenIgotinside,BennywasinthelivingroomwithJustin.
“Hey,”Isaid,goingstraighttomyroom.
I’dhavetodohisdialysis.ButIwantedoutofthisstupiddressandthestupidflowerIhadinmyhair.Itfelttainted,likethewholenighthadbeen.
I’dfeltprettytoday.AndnowIfeltinvisible.BecausetheonlyoneI’dwantedtoseemedidn’t.Heonlysawher.
Iyankedthefloweroutofmyhairandtossedthedressontoachair,thenwashedmyfaceandflungmybraintothehamper.Iputonthehighest-waistedgrandmaunderwearIcouldfindandmyfleecepajamaswitharattyVoteforPedroshirt.
WhenIcameouttohookupBenny,henoddedatme.“Hey,yourboyfriendispacingonthefrontporch.”
“What?”Isaid,turningonthemachine.
“He’sbeenoutthereliketwentyminutes.MyRingisblowingup.”
Iblinkedathim.“He’sjustwalkingbackandforthacrosstheporch?”
“Sometimeshejogsdownthestepsandthencomesback.”
Justinsnorted.
Ipulledoutmyphoneandopenedtheapp.Therehewas.Pacing.Likeaweirdo.
Technicallyhewasonlyaboutfifteenfeetaway.Icouldopenthefrontdoortotalktohim.ButinsteadIturnedontheapp’sspeaker.“Jacob?Whyareyououtthere?”
HestoppedandlookedattheRing.
“IhaveaRingDoorbell,”Isaid.“Icanseeyou.Doingwhateveritisyou’redoing.”
“Canyoucomeoutside?”heasked.
Iletoutalongbreath.Fine.Itossedmyphoneonthecouch.
“Don’tspyonme,”Imutteredtomybrotherandhisminion.ThenIletmyselfoutontotheporchandclosedthedoorbehindme.“What’sup?”Isaid,crossingmyarms.
Helookedtwitchy.Hisanxietywashigh.ProbablytheAmyfight/makeoutthingandhewantedtotalkaboutit,whichreallywastheleastIcoulddoconsideringwewerefriendsandhewasgivingmybrotheranentireorgan.ButIhadtoemotionallybraceforitanyway.
Hedidn’tstart.
“Jacob?”
Heswallowed.“Iuh…Iwantedtoaskyou…”Hepausedtolickhislips.“Iwantedtoaskyouifyouwouldliketogoonadatewithme.Arealone.”
Hiswordshitmelikeatonofbricks.Knockedthewindrightoutofme.Ifeltinstantlysadanddefeated.
“Jacob,no.”
Hisfacefell.Ihadtoclosemyeyesandletoutacenteringbreath.
“Why?”Iasked,lookingathim.“Whydoyouwanttodateme?Whatisyourreasonforaskingme.Here.Now.Onthisparticularnight.”
Helookedalmostconfused.“I…Ilikeyou.Ilikespendingtimewithyou.I—”
“Letmeguess.You’rereadytomoveonfromAmy?Timetogetbackoutthere,putthatrelationshipbehindyou?”
Heblinkedatme.“Well…yes.”
Isighed.Hewasn’taskingbecauseheactuallywantedtodateme.Hewasaskingbecausehe’djusthadsomemessed-up,dick-punchinteractionwithhisex.Hewasfrantictogetoverherandwantedadistractionthatwouldmakehimfeelbetter.AndIwashere.Aliving,breathingconsolationprize.Somedesperatenext-best-thingthing.
Ididn’twanttobeJacob’sin-betweensolution.Ididn’twanttobewhathedidwhilehetriedtoworkthroughthisorfiguredhisshitout.
Ididn’twanttobehissecondchoice.
“Jacob,Iknowhowhardthismusthavebeenforyoutoaskmethis,”Isaid,tryingnottolethimhearthefractureinmyvoice.“ButI’vedonethe‘LovetheOneYou’reWith’thing.I’mneverdoingitagain.Let’sjustgetthroughthenextfewmonths.Dowhatweagreedtodo.Beharmlesstoeachother.Andthentheweddingwillbeoverandyoucandatesomeoneelseforreal.Okay?”
Hisexpressionwentblank.Totallyblank.
Iknewthewheelswereturning.Probablyworkingovertime.AndIfeltterriblethathe’dprobablyworkedupthecouragetoaskmethisandIrejectedhim,andhewasprobablyregrettingeverbringingitup.ButIhadtobeclear.Iwasnotgoingtobehisreboundorhisfuckbuddyorhisfriendwithbenefits.
I’donlybehisfriend.
“I’msorry,”hesaidfinally,hisvoiceflat.“Ididn’tmeantomakeyouuncomfortable.I’llneveraskyouthisagain.”
Ifeltlikecrying.
Thefacthedidn’tsayanythingelse—anythingaboutfeelings—wasalmostanadmissionofguilt.LikehewasacknowledgingthathisreasonsforaskingwereexactlywhatIthoughttheywere.
Ilookedawayfromhimandnodded.“Thankyou.”
Hepausedanothermoment,peeringatme.LikeImightgivehimadifferentanswerifhejuststoodtherelongenoughandwaitedforit.
“Goodnight,”hesaid.
Thenheturnedandwalkedtohistruck.
Iwentinsideandputmybacktothedoorandburiedmyfaceinmyhands.Iwantedtoclawmythroatout.Throwsomething,screamintoafuckingpillow.
Ihatedthissomuch.Ihatedit.
“Why’syourboyfriendaskingyouonadateandyousaidno?”Bennyasked
Ilookedupandglaredathim.“Itoldyounottospyonme.”
“Ididn’t,youlefttheRingappopenonyourphone.IturneditoffwhenIrealized.”
Irolledmyeyesandclearedthespacetosnatchmycelloffthecouch.
“Seriously,why’dheaskyouthat?”
“Just…don’tbugmerightnow.Okay?It’scomplicated.”
Hestudiedmeforamoment,butheletitgo.
IguessIshouldbehappythatmybrotherwasenoughofhimselfagainthathegaveacrapaboutwhatIwasdoing.
God.
IsetupBenny’sdialysis,doingmybestnottocryinfrontofhimorJustin,whowasstillsittingtherewithhimwatchingTV.WhenIwasdone,IwenttomyroomandcalledAlexis.
“Hey,”sheansweredonthefirstring.
Isniffed.“CanIcomeover?”
Shewasdoingdishes.“Sure.When?”
“Tonight.”
Icouldpictureherlookingatherwatch.“Youwon’tgethereuntilmidnight.”
“One.Maybeone-thirty.IhavetofinishBenny’sdialysis.Youdon’thavetostayup.Justleaveablanketontheporchswingandletmeinwhenyougetupinthemorning.”
“Whathappened?”
IpulledthephoneawayfrommymouthforasecondwhileIchokeddownthelumpinmythroat.“Ican’ttellyounoworI’mgonnacry.IcanaskBennytogotothedialysiscenterforafewdays.Ihavetwomoredaysoffwork.Ijustneedtogetoutofhereandbesomewhereelse.”
Iheardhershutoffthewater.“Okay.ButI’mwaitingup.”
“No,seriously.Don’t.Justleavethedoorunlocked.”
Wehungup.Ipackedmybag,finishedBenny’sdialysis,andleft.
Jacobdidn’ttextorcallmelikeheusuallydidatnight.Itmademystomachhurt.IfeltlikeI’djustgonethroughabreakup.
UpuntilnowI’dbeenabletopretendthatmaybeJacobhadspentsomuchtimewithmebecausehewasactuallyalittleinterestedinme.
Andmaybehewas.Ibelievedthatfeelingscouldoverlap.ThathecouldbeinlovewithAmyandmaybealsohaveacrushonme.
Butthatwasn’tenough.
Ididn’twanttosharespacewithanotherwomaninsideofthemanIloved.I’ddoneitonetoomanytimes.IwastiredofmakingexcusesforwhyitwasokaytoacceptlessthanIdeserved.AttheveryleastIdeservedtobewithsomeonewhohadworkedthroughtheirownshit.AndJacobhadn’t.Clearly.
IgottotheGrantHousearoundone-fifteeninthemorning—andAlexisopenedthedoorbeforeIgotupthefrontsteps.
“Ugh.Itoldyounottowait,”Igroaned.
Shehuggedmeagainstherbabybump.“I’mawartimeconsigliere.Wedon’tsleeponthejob.”
DanielgreetedmewiththedogwhenIgotinthedoor.He’dwaiteduptoo.NowIfeltevenworse.Hehuggedme.Thenhekissedhiswifeonthesideofherheadandwenttobed.
Iwantedhertogotosleep,butshehustledmeintooneoftheguestrooms,litacandle,settledontothemattressnexttome,andpunchedapillowunderherhead.“Tellme.”
AndIdid.
Itoldhereverything.AndIcriedlikeababy.
“Ireallylikedhim,”Isaid,sniffling,wipingundermyeyes.
“Andnowyoudon’t?”sheasked.
“Ido.ButIletmyselfgetalltwitterpatedandIforgotwhatweweredoing.I’mheretodoajob,it’snotreal.YouknowIwasactuallythinkingthatmaybeIcoulddatehim?”Iletoutanincredulousnoise.“Buthe’snotintome.Hejustwantsmetohelphimgetoverher.”
“Didheexplainhimself?TellyouaboutthefightwithAmy?”
“No.AndIdidn’ttellhimIheardit.Whatwouldbethepoint?Allhe’ddoisdenyit.TrytoconvincemeIdidn’thearwhatIthinkIdid—orhe’dconfirmeverything,tellmethatAmywouldalwaysbetheloveofhislife,butthathe’sreallyreadytomoveon,whichhe’snot.”Ishookmyhead.“Youshouldhaveheardhowupsethewas.Thewaytheywerearguing.Hedoesn’tgetlikethat,Ali.He’sallmeasuredandreserved.Quiet.”
“What’sshelike?”
Irolledmyeyes.“Perfect.ShelookslikeRosamundPike,butsomehowprettier.”
“You’reprettytoo,”shesaid,closinghereyes.
“Ha.”
WhatdiditmatterifIwaspretty?Orsmart?Orifhelikedtospendtimewithmeandconfideinmeandleanonme.
BecausejustlikewithKelly,Istillwasn’therChapter26
Jacob
Iwentbacktomyparents’houseafterIdroppedoffBriana.
IfoundMominthekitchenalone,wrestlingthetrashfromthecan.
“Jacob,”shesaidwhenIwalkedinwithLieutenantDan.“IthoughtyouandBrianalefthoursago.”
“Mom,Igotit.”ItookthetrashbagfromherandtiedthetopinaknotandsetitnexttothecantotakeoutwhenIleft.
Ilookedaround.“Where’sDad?”
“He’sdealingwiththepoolcleanup.It’snottoobad,we’realmostdone.”
Istoodthere,myhandsinmypockets,lookingatthefloor.Ididn’tknowwhyIcamehere.IjustknewIcouldn’tgohome.I’dneversleep.
“What’swrong,sweetie?Youlookupset.”
Upsetdidn’tbegintocoverit.Iwascrushed.Embarrassed.Deflated.IwasdisappointedinawayI’dneverfeltbefore.
Momwaited,andwhenIdidn’telaborate,shenoddedtotheslidingbackdoor.“Comeon.Let’sgositonthedeck.We’llwatchyourdadfishCarter’sswimtrunksoutofthepool.”
“Hegotoutnaked?”
“Asajaybird.StreakedacrosstheyardforfiveminutesbeforeGwencaughthim.Iswearbetweenthetwinsandyourgrandfather,I’velosttenyearsoffmylife.”
Icrackedasmallsmile.Wewenttothedeckandtookaseatonthecushionedsofa.Theluauwasover.Thetikilampswerestilllit,andleisandemptySolocupswerescatteredallovertheyardlikeatropicalMardiGras.Dadwasdowntherewiththepoolnet,scrapingthebottomwhiletheredcupsrolledaroundinthebreeze.
LieutenantDanjumpedupandputhisheadinMom’slap,andIlookedatMom’shandswhileshepettedhim.Theywerearthritic.
Herlupusdidn’tflaremuchanymore,butthedamagehadalreadybeendonetoherbody.Shewastough.Sheworkedthroughthepainandkeptdoingwhatsheloved.Andwhenshecouldn’t,wehelpedher.
MomremindedmealotofBriana,actually.Theywerebothstrong.Andstubborn—andtheyknewthemselves.Brianawouldn’thavesaidnounlessshemeantno.Shesaiditsoquicklytoo.Icringedagainatthememory.
“DidyouandBrianahaveafight?”Momasked,breakingintomythoughts.
Ididn’tknowhowtoexplainthistoher.Thatmygirlfrienddidn’tactuallylikeme,didn’twanttogoonadatewithme,andintendedtofulfillherpromisetomelikeacontractthatwouldbevoiduponcompletionofthework.
Icouldn’tbelieveshesaidthat.ThatwejustneededtogetthisoverwithandthenIcouldjustdatesomeoneelse.Likeshewasinterchangeablewithsomeotherrandomwoman.LikegirlfriendwasapositionIwastryingtofill.
Ididn’twantanyoneelse.
Shesaidshe’dalreadydonethe“LovetheOneYou’reWith”thing.Isthatwhatshe’dbedoingwithmeifwedated?Settling?
Thehurtcrashedovermealloveragain.Thehumiliation.
Iscrubbedmyhandsovermyface.“Idon’tthinkBrianafeelsasstronglyformeasIfeelforher,”Isaid.“AndIdon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.”
Momsatquietlynexttome.
“CanIaskyouaquestion?”ShewaiteduntilIlookedather.“WhydidyouletitgoonwithAmyforsolong?Youweresounhappy.Everyonesawit.”
Istaredoutatthepoolforalongmoment.“Iwasafraidofchange,”Isaidfinally.“AndIthoughtitwasme.IthoughtanyrelationshipIwasinwasgoingtobethathardbecauseofwhoIwas.HowIwas.”
Sheshookherhead.“Jacob.Haveyoueverheardthesayingthatifyou’rewithsomeonewhodoesn’tspeakyourlanguage,you’llspendalifetimehavingtotranslateyoursoul?Amyneverspokeyourlanguage.That’sall.Nothingwrongwitheitherofyou,justtwodifferentpeople.That’showIcantellBriana’sdifferent.Sheunderstandsyou,evenwhenyoudon’tsayanythingatall.”
Ilookedather.Momhadnoticedthat?
“Youshouldseethewayshelooksatyou,”shesaid,goingon.“Whenyou’renotwatching.Shelooksatyoulikeyou’rethebestthingthat’severhappenedtoher.”
Thatwasn’tlove.ThatwasgratitudeforwhatIwasdoingforherbrother.Relief.
Oritcouldjustbeacting.Notbasedonanythingatall.
Momlookedatmegently.“Loveshowsup,Jacob.Soshowup.”
Ishookmyhead.“Buthow?Whatifshedoesn’twantmeto?”
Momlaughed.“Thatwomanisperfectlycapableoftellingyouwhatshedoesanddoesnotwant.Askher.Ifshesetsaboundary,respectit.Butifyouaskherifyoucanshowup,andshesaysyes?Showup.Anddon’tgiveuponher.BecauseIhaven’tseenyouthishappyinaverylongtime.”
Istaredoutoverthepool.AndIrealizedthatIdidn’tevenhaveachoicebuttoshowup.ThattheurgetobearoundBrianawassostrongitcircumventedeverything.Pride.Betterjudgment.Humility.Evenmyanxiety.
Myanxiety…
ForsolongIletmylifebedictatedbymyanxiety.EverythingIdidrevolvedaroundnotgettinguncomfortable,notleavingmysafespace.Ididn’thavethetoughconversationsIshouldhavehadwithAmy,andIdidn’tenditforfearoftheunknownafterward.IstayedwhereIwasbecauseanythingnewwasscaryformeandIwasn’twillingtoriskit.Ineededmylifecalm,easy,andstatic.
ButIwouldn’tdothatwithBriana.I’dleavemycomfortzone.Ihadto.Becausethat’swhereshewas.AndforherIwouldgoanywhere.
Evennow,rejectedandgutted,Istillwantedtoorbitaroundher,evenifsheneverwantedmetoland.
AnditoccurredtomethatIonlyhadafewmoremonthswhenIcouldorbither.Whenourarrangementmadeitokay.Expected,even.Becauseafterthat…
Afterthat,thedealwasoff.Chapter27
Briana
Mycellwasvibrating.
Thesunwascrackingthroughthecurtains.IttookmeamomenttorealizewhereIwas.Floralwallpaper.Afour-posterbed.Alexisasleepnexttome.
I’dcometoGrantHouse.
Ipulledoutmyphoneandsquintedatthescreen.Itwaseight-thirtyinthemorning,andJacobwascalling.
Iswipedtoanswer.“Hello?”Iwhispered.
“Hi.Goodmorning.”
Irubbedmyeyes.“Goodmorning.”
Alexisstartedtostir.
“Iwaswonderingifyou’dliketogotobreakfast,”hesaid.
Huh?
Thatwasalittleunexpected.Ithoughthewouldfeelallweirdforafewdays.Retreatintoisolationlikeintrovertsdowhenthey’vehadanunpleasantencounterandthatIwouldhavetomakefirstcontact.
“I’mnothome,”Isaid.
“Oh.Whereareyou?”
Alexissatupandyawnedintothebackofherhand.
“I’minWakan,”Isaid,makinganexaggeratedpointingmotiontothephoneandmouthingthewordJACOBtoletmybestfriendknowwhoitwas.“I’mhereforthenextfewdays.”
“Oh,”hesaidagain.Andthen,“CanIcome?”
Iblinked.“Youwantto…come?Here?”
“Yeah.Ifit’sokay.”
Alexisstartednoddingvigorously.
“But…myfriendsarestrangers,”Isaid,likehe’dforgottenwhohewas.“Youonlylikemeetingpeopleyou’vealreadymet.”
“That’sokay.Idon’tmind.”
Whatintheworld?“I…sure?”
“Okay.CanIbringmydog?Ifnot,I’llleavehimwithJewel.”
Ipulledthephoneawayfrommymouth.“Canhebringhisdog?”Iwhispered.
Alexisnodded.
“Yeah,that’sfine,hecancome,”Isaid.
“Great.Textmetheaddress.I’llleaveinthirtyminutes.”
Andthenwehungup.
IturnedandstaredatAlexis.“He’scoming,”Isaidindisbelief.
Shegrinned.“Iknow.”
“Whyishecoming?Hedoesn’tlikeunfamiliarthings.Orplaces.Orpeople.Orchangestohisplans.”
“No.Buthedefinitelylikesyou.”Shebeamed.
Ijustsatthere,shakingmyhead.Thiswholethingwasbaffling,sooutofcharacter.Washetryingtoshowmetherewerenohardfeelingsforlastnight?Hecouldhaveshownmehewasoveritwithatext.Hedidn’thavetodriveallthewaytoWakan.
MaybehewassodistraughtoverwhathappenedwithAmythatheneededadistractionandhedidn’tcarewhatitwas.
Thatwasprobablyit.Imightnotbe“theone”forhim,butwedefinitelyhadagoodtimetogether.
Nomatterwhatthereason,thiswasanactofdesperation.Ifeltalittledeflatedoverthethoughtthathimcomingwasjustanextensionofthesameimpulsethatmadehimaskmeoutlastnight.
Isighed.“Ihavetogotakeapictureofthedriveway,”Imumbled,gettingup.
“Thedriveway?”sheasked.
“Heneedstoknowwheretopark.It’sathing.”Chapter28
Jacob
IwasthrowingeverythingintotheduffelbagIusedformytripstothecabinwhenhertextscamethrough.AndwhenIsawthem,Ihadtositontheedgeofthebed.
Briana:There’stwopeoplehere,Alexisandherhusband,Daniel.Danielisacarpenterandlikestogarden.He’salsothemayor.AlexiswasanERphysicianbutnowshe’sthetowndoctorattheRoyaumesatelliteclinicinWakan.Weusuallyjusthangout,butwemightridebikesonthebiketrailorwalkintotownandhavedrinksattheVFW.Theremightbesometownspeoplethere,butI’llkeepDougoffyou.He’stheonlyextrovertwho’llbugyou.Ormaybenot,sinceyoudon’thaveboobs.??????
Briana:Whenyougethereyou’llhaveyourownroomandbathroom.Here’sapictureofyourroomandanotheroneofwheretoparkandoneofAlexisandDaniel.TheGrantHouseusedtobeabedandbreakfastandyoucanprobablystillGoogleitsoyoucanseethepropertyandgetafeelforitbeforeyougethere.Seeyouinabit!
Isetmyphonedownonmylap.
She’dknownIneededthedetails.Ididn’thavetoaskher,Ididn’thavetoexplainittoher—ornotexplainitandjustdealwithnothavingit.
Sheunderstandsyou,evenwhenyoudon’tsayanythingatall…
ThisiswhatMommeant.Thisiswhatshesaw.
Emotionswelledinsideofme.AndthenIdeflatedalloveragain.Becauseeventhoughshespeaksmylanguage,itdidn’ttranslateintoherwantingmeback.Chapter29
Briana
AlexisandIweresittingontheporchswingdrinkingcoffeewhenJacobpulledup.
MyheartflutteredthesecondIsawhim.Ihadtoclutchmychest.
“What’swrong?”Alexisasked,watchingmewatchJacobputthetruckinpark.
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tknow.”ButreallyIdidknow.
Iwasstupidforthisman.
Hehadmeallturnedoverandinsideout.Justlookingathimmademehappy.Iwantedtorundownthestepsandjumponhimandkisshisfacelikeanexcitedpuppy.
IstayedwhereIwas.
HegotoutofthetruckwithaduffelbagoverhisarmandLieutenantDanhoppingbehindhim.Jacobhadaplantinhishand.LieutenantDanspottedmeandbouncedupthestepstoseeme.IwaspettinghimwhenDanielopenedthefrontdoorandHunterranout.HuntertooktwosecondstosniffLieutenantDan’sbutt,thenboundeddownthestepsanddidthejumping-all-over-Jacob,sloppy-kissthingthatIwishedIcoulddo.
Jacobputdownhisbagandcrouchedtopetthedog.Thiswasprobablygoingtobethebestpartofthedayforhim.He’dhatetherestofit.Thestrangersandthesocializingandthenewplace.Istilldidn’tunderstandwhyhe’dcome.
Helookedupatme,laughingwhileHuntermadealong,excitedrooooooooo!noise,andIsweartoGod,allmyresolvenottobeJacob’sreboundside-chickalmostdissolvedintothinair.Icouldn’tevenlookawayfromhim.That’showmesseduphehadme.
SometimesitfeltlikeJacobandIweretwomagnetsbeingflippedoverandoverandpressedtogether.Pullingusin,pushingusout,pullingusin.
Pullingmein…
Alexisleanedoverandwhispered,“He’shandsome.”
“Iknow,”Igrumbled.“Ofcourseheis.Anythingtomakethisharder.”
Iwentdownthestepstomeethim.“Hey,”Isaid,stoppinginfrontofhim.
Hestraightenedandslunghisduffelbagoverhisshoulder.“Hey.”
Thenwejuststoodthere,bothofusgazingintoeachother’seyes,forsomereason.Whydiditfeellikeweshouldbemakingoutrightnow?
Ugh.Someoneneededtoturnthehoseonme.
DanielcamedownthestepswithAlexistosavemefrommyself,thankGod,andIintroducedthem.
JacobhandedDanielthelittleplanthehad.“Brianatellsmeyougarden,”Jacobsaid.“Ibroughtyouthis.”
Daniel’seyeswentwide.“AvariegatedElephantEar.”
Jacobsmiled,likehe’djustgottenoutofabirthdaypartyatabar.“Ipropagateditmyself.”
“Wow,seriously?Thanks,”Danielsaid,turningitaroundinawe.“Iknowexactlywheretoputit.Thisisawesome.”
Jacoblookedrelievedthathisgifthadhitthemarkandturnedbacktomewiththepuppy-dog,hat-in-handsmilethatalwaysmademyfacegosoft.
“I’llshowyoutoyourroom,”Isaid,noddingovermyshoulder.
HeleftLieutenantDanhoppingaroundtheyardwithHunterandfollowedmeupthestairs.Westoppedonthelandingtolookatthebigstained-glasswindow.
“Thisisbeautiful,”hesaid,studyingit.
Itwasablackbearinaclearinginthewoods.Thesidesofthewindowwerethickgreenforestwithtreeswithtallbrowntrunks.
“Ibetthisisoriginaltothehouse,”hesaid.“Weirditwasn’tonthewebsite,it’ssounique.”
“TheybuiltGrantHousein1897,”Isaid,startingupthestairsagain.
“Iknow,”hesaid,followingme.“Ireadallaboutit.Iloveplaceslikethis.”
Ibroughthimintothesecondguestroom.Hedroppedhisbagonthehopechestattheendofhisbedandpeeredaround.
“Thisisnice.”
“Yeah.”
Whenhiseyescamebackaroundtomine,Iwasstandingthereinfrontofthefireplacewithmyhandsinmybackpockets,andagainIgottheurgetohughim.Iwassimultaneouslygladthathewasherewhilealsowishingthatwewereathisparents’houseinsteadsowe’dhaveareasontotouch.
TwodaysthatIcouldn’tevenhughim.Mybodyscreamedtoreachforhim.Iwantedtofeelhiswarmhandinmineorhisbodypressedagainstme.Iwantedtosmellhisskin,ifonlytoerasethememoryofAmy’sperfumefromlastnight.
AndthenIfeltso,sosadalloveragain.
Notmine.
Herewithme,buthisheart’ssomewhereelse.
Rememberthat.
“Hey,maybeweshouldpostaselfie,”hesaid.
Iclearedmythroat.“Yeah.Goodidea.Wecantelleveryonewe’reataromanticbed-and-breakfast.”
Henoddedbehindhim.“Maybeweshouldbesittingonthebed?”
“Totally.Definitely.Leteveryonethinkthat’swherewe’respendingthewholeweekend.”
That’swhereIwishwewerespendingthewholeweekend…
HegotontothemattressandIclimbedontheotherside.Itwasatwin,sowereallyhadtosqueezein.Helaybackagainsttheheadboardandopenedhisarmtoletmesnuggleupnexttohimandmywholebodymeltedatthecontact.
This.
ThiswaswhatIneeded.Icouldhavestayedhereforever.
Hesettledintothepillows,andIgotadjustedagainsthischest.Hesmelledwarmandfamiliar,andIcouldseewhyhecouldconvertdogswhohatemenandluretimidcatsoutfromundersofas
Jacobmademefeelsafe.Hewaslikealivinglullaby.Asoftlyspokenword.Thesmellofcoffeeandtoastinthemorningoracozyfleeceblanket.Therainpatteringontheroofonadaywhereyoudon’thavetogoanywhereordoanything.
Iwonderedifsexwithhimwouldfeellikeslippingintowarmwater.Allenvelopingandjustright.Ibetkissinghimwouldfeelthatwaytoo.Hewassogentleandcareful.Ibethe’dkissmesoftly.Andthenhard.I’dputahandonhisjawtofeelhisfive-o’clockshadowandthenmoveittothebackofhisnecktopullhimcloser.Icouldpicturethefeelofhislipsandhistongueandhisteeth.Hisbreathonmymouthandhischestrisingandfallingagainstminethewayitwasrightnow…
IwassoinmyheadIhadtoremindmyselfwhatIwassupposedtobedoing.Iclearedmythroatagainandangledthecamera,takinglongerthanIneededto,justtohaveasecondmoreinhisarms.
Hedidn’tlookatthelens,though.Hetiltedhisheadsohisnosewasinmyhairandclosedhiseyes.Itlookedgreatforthepicture.Likethiswasaprivatemomentwithamanwhowasinlovewithmeandwewerecatchingthisinacandidphoto.
Ihadthestrongesturgetosetdownthephoneandtipmyheaduptohisandseewhatwouldhappen.
InsteadItookthepictureandhoppedoffthebed.
IhadtopretendtobebusyputtingthepictureonInstagramsoIwouldn’thavetolookathimwhilemyheartratewentbackdown.
Itreallywasagoodpicture.Tender.Intimate.
ThenIrealizedthatAmywouldseethisandallitwoulddoismakethesituationbetweenthemmoretense.Itmightevenbethethingthattippedthescales.
Jacob’sfamilyseemedprettychill.IfAmydidswitchbrothersagain,Iknewthey’dgetoverit.They’dhavetheirmoment.Jewelwouldprobablybethemostvocal.Sheseemedlikeshedidn’thavealotoftimefordramaandbullshitandshe’ddefinitelygivehertwocents.Butthenthey’dallprobablyjustshrugandacceptitandmoveon.
Ihonestlydidn’tseeherweddingtoJeremiahhappening.
Imean,I’ddowhatI’dsaidIwasgoingtodo,whichwastobehisgirlfriendinthemeantime.ButthenI’dgetdumped.Again.
Iwasgladhe’dcometoday.BecauseweonlyhadsolongtokeeppretendingChapter30
Jacob
Wouldyoupunchmeinthefaceforonebilliondollars?”Brianaasked.
WewereattheVFWinWakan.Itwasninep.m.,andwe’dbeenhereforafewhoursafterdinneratJane’s,thelittledineronMainStreet.We’dspentthedaywanderingthetown,goingtoantiquestores,gettingicecream,checkingoutthefarmers’market.WeweresittinginaboothatthebackofthebarwithAlexisandDaniel.
Brianawaitedformyanswerlikethiswasaseriousquestion.
“Ifweweremarried,”shesaidagain,“andsomeoneofferedyouabilliondollarstopunchmeintheface,ashardasyoucould,withmypermission,wouldyoudoit?”
“No,”Isaid.“Iwouldnotpunchyouintheface.”
Hereyesgotwide.“You’dbetterpunchmeintheface,Maddox.I’dpunchyouintheface.”
“ForabilliondollarsI’dactuallybeokaywiththat,”Isaid.
Shegasped.“Oh,soyoucangetpunchedintheface,butIcan’t?Thatissosexist.”
“Itisnotthesamething,”Isaid.“I’mstrongerthanyou.Icouldshatteryourjaw.”
“AndIcouldn’tshatteryourjaw?Thisisonebilliondollarswe’retalkingabout.Xfinityneedstogotocollege.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.
“Who’sXfinity?”Danielaskedoverhisbeer,lookingbackandforthbetweenus.
“Ourfictional,traumatizeddaughterwhosenamewaschosensowecouldgetfreeinternet.”Shelookedbackatme.“Tellmeyou’dpunchmeintheface,Jacob.”
Ilookedather,amused.“Ithoughtweweresupposedtobeharmlesstoeachother.”
“YoubeingtheonlyreasonwhyI’mnotabillionaireisnotbeingharmlesstome.Thatharmsmegreatly.”
Ishookmyhead.“Ican’thurtyou.I’dpayonebilliondollarsnottohurtyou.”
Shegavemeasmall,reluctantsmile
Dougmadehiswayovertothetablewithaguitarinhishand.
Brianarolledhereyes.“Doug,doyouknowwhatthedefinitionofinsanityis?”sheasked,raisinghervoicesohecouldhearherbeforehegottothetable.
Helookedindignant.“Thisisn’tforyou,”hesaid,holdinguphisguitar.“Youhadyourchance.”
Brianasnorted.
“There’sfreshmeatoveratthebar.”Henoddedtoapairofwomendrinkingbeers.
Brianacranedhernecktolookatthem.“Oh.Well,makesureyoucallthemmeattotheirfaces.Womenlikethat.”
Dougseemedtothinkthisover.“That’sagoodidea.I’lldothat.Thanks.”
Everyonelaughed.
DougnoddedtoDaniel.“Hey,spotmetwentybucks,yeah?”
Danielduginhiswalletandpulledoutabill.
“Thanks,”Dougsaid,takingitandshovingitintohisshirtpocket.“Wishmeluck.”Andheleft.
“He’sgonnaneedalotmorethanluck,”Brianasaid.
“You’renevergettingthattwentyback—youknowthat,right?”Alexissaidtoherhusband.
“Ido,”Danielsaidintohisbeer.“Butatleastthosepoorwomenwillgetfreedrinks.”
Brianashookherhead.“Thatguyhasmoreredflagsthanamatador.”
Alexislaughed.
Brianaturnedtome.“Wanttowalkback?IamheretorelaxandmakefunofDoug,andIamalloutofDoug.”
“We’llprobablystayforabit,”Alexissaid,rubbingherbelly.“Thehouseisunlocked,youcanjustgoin.”
Iputmoneyonthetable,andweslidoutoftheboothandstartedforthedoor.Iwantedtoleave,butnotbecauseIwantedtogo.IwantedtobealonewithBriana.
Iwashavingagoodtime.BrianahadsaidifIgotoverwhelmedatanypointtoday,wecouldgo,whichhelpedalot
WhenIwasakid,Momwouldalwaystrytogentlycoaxmeintonewactivities.She’dneverforceme.Butshe’dtellmethatifIwenttothebirthdaypartyorthefieldtrip,orthedaycamp,she’dwaitinthecaroutside,andifIwantedtoleavebeforeitwasover,Icould.MostofthetimeI’dhavefunandI’dendupstaying.Andthenafterawhileshedidn’tneedtowaitatall.Itwasknowingthatleavingwasanoptionthatgavemethecouragetotry.
Brianawasthesamekindofsafetynet.AndIbetshedidn’tevenrealizehowmuchitchangedtheoutcomeforme.
Amyhadalwaysthrownmeintothingswithbothhands,andthencouldn’tunderstandwhyIwasanxiousandwithdrawnandwantedtoleavethesecondwhateveritwasbegan.ButwithBrianaIfeltslowlysubmerged.Gentlysetdown.AndthenonceIwasin,Iwascomfortable.Ifeltlikeeveryoneelseprobablyfelt.Calmandeasyandnormal.Itprotectedtheshelflifeofmyinternalbattery.AndIdon’teventhinkthiswasaconsciousthingforhermostofthetime.Ithinkshejustinherentlyknewtodoit.
Itwasjustoneofthemanyamazingthingsabouther.
WecameoutintothewarmearlyJuneairandstartedforthehouse.Ihadtofighttheurgetotakeherhand.
Touchingherinpublicwassecondnaturetomenow.Butthat’sbecausemostofthetimewewereinpublic,oneofmyfamilymemberswasthere,andtouchingwasnecessarytoholdupourfa?ade.Wedidn’thavethathere.DanielandAlexisknewaboutourarrangement,soIdidn’thaveanexcusetoputahandonherback,orbrushherhairoffherface,orsitcloseenoughthatmylegpressedintohers.ItwastheonlythingIhatedaboutbeinginWakan.
I’dsuggestedtakingapictureforInstagramearlierforthesolereasonofgettingthehugthatIcouldn’tgetwhenIarrived.AndthenIdidn’twantthathugtoend.Iwishedwecouldhaveshutthedoorandstayedinthatbed.Iwantedtohibernatewithher.Forgettherestoftheworldexisted.
Isquintedatsomethinglargestandingunderalightpostacrossthestreet.“Isthat…apig?”
“Oh,yeah,”shesaid.“That’sKevinBacon.He’sDoug’s.He’slikethetownmascotorsomething.Hejustrunsaroundandtakesselfieswithtourists.”
Hewashuge.Atleastthreehundredpounds,andwearingareflectivevest.
“Canwepetit?”Iasked.
“Yeah,let’sgo.”
Wecrossedthestreetandthepiggruntedatusaswecameup.Hewasenormousandpink.Icrouchedandranahandoverhisheadandhesnuffledaroundus,lookingforfood.HefoundthemintsIhadinmypocketandIpulledthemoutandunwrappedthemandlethimeatthemfrommyhand.
HisvesthadaKevinBaconhashtagandaVenmoonit.
“IhavetogiveittoDoug,heisahustler,”Brianasaid,eyeingtheVenmo.“Dougwouldpunchmeinthefaceforabilliondollars.”
“ThenI’dhavetopunchDouginthefaceforfree.”
Shegawkedatmetryingtolookserious,butshewasfightingalaugh.“You’repunchingthewrongperson.I’mthebillion-dollarpunch—thoughIdounderstandtheimpulsetopunchDougfornothing.Butstill.”
Ichuckled,pettingKevin’swiryfur.
“No,butseriously,”shesaid.“Weneedtogetonthesamepagewiththis.”
Ishookmyhead.“I’mnotdoingit.I’mnotpunchingmywife.”
“Nickwoulddoit.”
“Well,itsoundslikethere’salotofthingsthatNickwasokaydoingtoyouthatIwouldneverdo.”
Shebobbedherhead.“Okay,goodpoint.”
“Andwhyisthemoneythatimportant?”Isaid,standing.“Youmakeagoodliving.Youdon’tneedabilliondollars.”
Shelookedupatme.“Jacob,Igrewuppoor.Extremely,extremelypoor.Like,food-instabilitypoor.NomatterhowmuchIhave,Iwillneverturndownthemeanstoneverlivelikethatagain.”
“Oh,”Isaid.“Ididn’trealizeyourchildhoodwasthattough.”
Sheshrugged,lookingatthepig.“Itwas.Imean,itwasgood.Butitwashard.Ihadtostartworkingataprettyyoungagetohelpmymom.Sheusedtocleanhouses,backbeforeshegothernursingdegree,andI’dgoandhelpher.”
“Howoldwereyou?”
“Ten?Eleven?”
God.Icouldn’timagineworkingthatyoung.
“ItwasbetterforBenny,”shesaid.“Bythetimehewasten,Momhadagood-payingjobandIwasworkingatStarbucksandwaitingontables.I’mgladhehaditeasier.”
Iwasgladhedidtoo.ButIhatedthatshe’dstruggled.
Iwoulddoanythingtokeepherfromstruggling.
Wemadeourwayontothebikepaththatledbacktothehouse.Themoonwasout.Wewerewalkingundersometreesalongtheriver,andIslowedabitsoitwouldtakelonger.Whenwegothome,she’dprobablygotobed,andthenIwouldn’tseeheruntiltomorrow.
“Sowherewasyourdadinallthis?”Iasked.
Shebreathedinthroughhernose.“Gone.MyparentsdivorcedwhenmymomwaspregnantwithBenny.Ihaven’tseenmydadinalmostthirtyyears.”
“Whereishe?”
Sheshrugged.“BackinElSalvador?Idon’treallyknow.Idon’tcare.Ithinkhehaslike,awholeotherfamily.Anyway,Momalwayshadmorethanonejobuntilshestartednursing.Thenshegothiredbytheserichwhitepeoplewhentheirgrandmagottoooldtolivealone.Theytrustedher.Momtookcareofthatladyforsixyears.Shewasreallygoodatit.Whentheladydied,sheleftmymomsomemoney.Momusedittohelpputmethroughschoolandbuythehousewe’dbeenrenting.TheoneI’minnow.”Shelookedatmeaswewalked.“Anyonewhosaysmoneyisn’teverythinghasneverhadtolivewithoutit.”
Wewalkedforamomentinsilence.
“Well,Istillwouldn’tpunchyouintheface,”Isaid.“ButIwouldworkhardenoughsoyou’dalwayshaveeverythingyouneed.I’dgohungrysoyoucouldeat.”
Shegavemeanamusedlook.“Iwouldn’tletyougohungryforme,”shesaid.
“Iknow.That’swhyI’dnevertellyou.”
“Youwouldn’ttellme?”
“Thetruestsacrificesaretheonesnooneknowsanythingabout.”
Shepaused.“Jacob,youaretoopureforthisearth.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Sheglancedoveratmewithasmallsmile.“Youknow,Iactuallybelievethatyou’ddothat,andmostofthetimewhenmensayvaliantthings,Idon’t.”
Ilookeddownatthepavedpath.ShehadnoideathethingsIwoulddoforher.
“Giventhisbackstory,I’malittlesurprisedthatitwasmeandnotyounamingourkidXfinitytosavemoney,”Isaid.
“Iwouldgladlysacrificemyself,butI’dneversacrificemykid,”shesaid.“Thewholepointistogivethemabetterlifethantheoneyouhad.”
“ShecouldhaveagoodlifenamedXfinity.”
“Yeah,butmaybeshe’dhaveagreatlifenamedsomethingnormal,likeAva.”
Ismiled.“Okay,”Isaid,glancingather.“We’llnameherAva.”
Shetwistedherlipsintoasmile.“Good.AvaXfinity—Ortiz.I’mnottakingaman’slastname,andI’mnotlettingmykidsdoiteither.”
“Youdidn’ttakeNick’slastname?”Iasked,glancingather.
“Idid.AndthenIhadtochangeitback.WhenMomgotmarried,shetookmydad’slastnametoo,andthenshehadtochangeitwhenheleft,whichmeantshechangedmylastnamealso,whichwasofcourseherdad’slastname.I’vehadthreedifferentlastnamesinmylifetimeandit’sallbeentocarryonsomestupidpatriarchaltradition.Iwillneverdoitagain.”
Ishrugged.“Okay.I’lltakeyourlastname,then.”
Shelaughed,butIwasn’tkidding.Iglancedather.“Youknow,ifyoureallywantedtoshowAmy,wecoulddragthisonalittlelonger.Maybesaywe’reengaged.Getmarried.Haveafewkids.”
Livehappilyeverafter…
“Ha.Don’ttemptme.I’mpettyandIlovealongcon.”
Ichuckled.MyphonevibratedinmypocketandIpulleditoutandcheckedthescreen.Jill.
“Holdon,Ihavetotakethis.Jill?”Isaid,answeringthephone.
“Whereareyou?”
“Wakan.WithBriana.Why?”
“I’matyourhouse.”
Igrinned.“Holdon.”Iputthephoneonspeaker.“Okay.Canyourepeatthat?”
“Uh,I’matyourhouse?”
IlookedatBriana.“Sowhatyou’resayingis,you’vecometomyhomeunannouncedanduninvitedtoseemeataverylatehour.”
“Uh,yeah.Why?Idoitallthetime.Ineedtoborrowyourbreadmaker.”
IgaveBrianaanI-told-you-solook.
“I’llbehometomorrow,”Isaid.
“Ugh.Fine.Also,Janeleftabagofcoffeeonyourporch.TellBrianaIsaidhi.”
IhungupwithherandsmirkedatBriana.“Jillsayshi.”
“Youbakeyourownbread?”sheasked.
“Really?That’swhatyoutookfromthatphonecall?”
“Okay,Igetit,”shesaid.“Theycomeoveralotandyou’reworriedthey’llfindoutI’mnotlivingthere.I’lljustcomeoveralottoo.”
“Andiftheypokearound?”
“Whywouldtheypokearound?”
“Becausethey’renosyandboredandtheylackboundaries.”
“SoI’llleavestuffthere.I’llputaboxoftamponsunderthesink.Leaveabradrapedoverachair.”
Ishookmyhead.“Notgoodenough.”
“Jaaacob,”shewhined.“Ican’tstayatyourhouse.I’dfeelhorrible.”
“Why?”
“Becauseyoulikeyouralonetime.”
“NoIdon’t,”Isaidquickly—tooquickly.Iclearedmythroat.“IroomedwithZanderforalmostsixyears.Idon’tmindlivingwithsomeone.”Therightsomeone…“Ithinklettingmyfamilyseeuslivingtogetherisagoodidea,”Isaid.
Sheglancedatme.“Youdo?”
“Yeah.Itmeanswe’reserious.IneverlivedwithAmy.”
Shepulledherfaceback.“Youdidn’t?Whynot?”
“Becausebeingaroundherthatmuchworemeout,”Isaid.
“Andbeingwithmethatmuchwouldn’twearyouout?”Shegavemealookthatcalledbullshit.“Weworkthesameshift.We’dliterallybetogethertwenty-four/seven.”
Iknow.“IfI’mbeingcompletelyhonest,itwouldnotwearmeouttohaveyouwithmethatmuch,”Isaid.
“You’rejustsayingthatsoIdon’tfeelbadthatI’vepigeonholedyouintoeitherlivingwithmeorexplainingtoyourfamilywhytheliving-togetherthingdidn’tworkout.”
“I’msayingthattoyoubecauseit’strue.”
Shewentquietforamoment.“HaveyoutalkedtoAmyrecently?”sheasked
Thatwasanoddquestion.“Italkedtoherforabityesterdayattheluau.”
“Ohyeah?When?”
“WhenIwentinside,”Isaid.
Shenoddedatthetrail.“What’dyouguystalkabout?”
Iletalongbreathoutthroughmynose.“Itwasanargument,actually.”
“Aboutwhat?”
Ipaused.“Oldstuff.”You.“Itwasnothing.”
Ididn’twanttotalkaboutit.Ididn’twanttotellBrianathatAmydidn’tbelieveBrianawantedme—becauseshedidn’t.Ididn’twanttobringuptheironyofAmy’saccusation.
WhenIdidn’tgoon,Brianadid.“Shewasprobablyjealous.”
Iscoffed.“Shewasn’t.”
“Trustme,shewas.Sheprobablythoughtyouweregonnapineoverherfortherestofyourlifeandnowyou’vegotsomenewgirlfriendwho’sobsessedwithyouandshecan’thandleit.”
Ihadtolookawayfromher.BecauseBrianabeingobsessedwithmewassofarfromthetruthithurttothinkaboutit.
“Ithinkshe’sstillinlovewithyou,”shesaid.
Iletoutanincredulousnoise.“She’snot.”
“Yeah,sheis.Ideeplydislikeher,”shesaid.
“Don’tdislikeher.”
Shewentquietnexttome.
“Howdiditmakeyoufeel?”sheaskedafteramoment.“Thefight?”
IthoughtabouthowIwantedtoreply.Idecidedonthetruth.“Likeshit.”
Shedidn’trespond.Butshedidreachoverandthreadherfingersinmine.Myheartleaptattheunexpectedtouch.Theheatofitradiatedthroughmyentirebody.
ShesqueezedmyhandandleanedintomyarmuntilIlookeddownather.
“I’msorrysomeonemadeyoufeellikeit’shardtoloveyou,”shesaid.
Mychestgottight.ShepeeredatmewithsomuchearnestnessIwantedtostoprightthenandthereandkissher.
Butthiswasn’tloveinhereyes.Thiswaspity.Orcomradery.Orfriendship.Itwaslikethehugshegavemetheotherday.Itwasmeanttocomfortme.That’sall.
Iknewthis,anditdidn’tchangeathing.Istillwantedtokissher.
Iwasmyowngreatestenemynow.BecauseIknewhowthisendedandwouldn’tliftafingertosavemyself.Icouldn’t.
Ididn’thavetocomeheretoday.Icouldhaveputupwallsbetweenusandstayedhome.Wedidn’tneedtokeepspendingsomuchtimetogetheroutsideworkorfamilyevents.ButhowcouldIgiveawayevenamomentofseeingherandtalkingtoher?Icouldn’tjustifyit.
Iwouldhavecomenomatterwhereshewas,orwhatshewasdoing.Iwouldhavemetherataparty.Orabusybaroranightclub.Mydesiretoseeheroverrodemyownself-preservationinstincts—inmorewaysthanone.
Wegottothehouseandsheletgoofmyarm.IopenedthefrontdoortoletLieutenantDanandHunterouttogotothebathroomandwestoodontheporchwaitingforthem.
“Hey,”Isaidaswewatchedthedogssniffingthelawn.“Youleftyoursweaterinmytrucklastnight.Ibroughtit.”
“Oh,thanks.CanIgetitnow?Iwasactuallylookingforthat.”
“Sure.”
Weleftthedogsoutside.LieutenantDanwouldn’trunaway.Hewastootreat-motivatedtodoanythingotherthancomebackinoncehedidwhathehadtodo.
WecameuptomyroomandIduginmyduffelbagforthesweaterwhileshewaitedbythehopechest.
I’dkeptthesweaternexttomeontheseatonthedriveoversoIcouldholdittomynose.Itsmelledlikeher.IwishedIcouldkeepit.
Ifshelivedwithme,thingslikethiswouldbeeverywhere,allthetime.Hershampoowouldbeinmyshower.She’dusemycoffeemugs.Hertoothbrushwouldbenexttomineonthesink.
IwantedthesemundanethingssobadlyIcouldn’tevenstandit.I’dneverwantedthismuchofAmy.Amywasrightwhenshe’dpointeditout.Ispentsomuchtimepushingheraway,keepingheratarm’slength.ButIchasedBriana.Iwantedtomakemylifedesirabletohersoshe’dwanttobeapartofit.Iwasbuyingasofaforthelivingroombecausethatdayshecameovershesaidyoucouldn’tNetflixandchillintherecliners.IknewtherewaslessthanaonepercentchanceBrianawouldevercuddlewithmeonacouch—butIwantedtohavethecouchjustincase
IfIwasbeinghonest,whatIreallywantedtodowithherwasn’tinthelivingroomatall.
IwantedtopushherdownonmybedinthatreddressfromtheluauandplayouteveryscenarioI’dimaginedoverthelastfewweeks.Wantedtopulloffherunderwear,slideherdressupoverherhips,burymyfacebetweenherlegs…
Ihadtoshakeitoff.
Itfeltdisrespectful.LikeIwasviolatingherjustbythinkingaboutit.AndI’dbeenthinkingaboutitalot.Icouldn’thelpit.
Aheavygustofwindrolledthroughthedrapes,andthedoortomyroomslammedshut.
Brianajumped.“OhmyGod,thatscaredme,”shesaidwithahandonherchest.
Itmusthavebeenabackdraft.MaybeAlexisandDanieljustcameinthefrontdoor?
Ipulledoutthesweaterandhandedittoher.
“Thanks,”shesaid.
Thenwejuststoodthere.Thedoorwasclosed.Thelightsweredim.
Itwasjustusandabed.
Itfeltliketheendofadate.Anamazingonewherethechemistrywasoffthechartsandyouwantedtoinvitethemintostaythenightbecausetheirleavingfeltprematureandwrong.
Thiswasthekindofdatethatneverended.Itturnedintobreakfastthenextmorningandthendinnerthefollowingnightandthenfinallyaftersomanysleepoversyoujustmoveinwitheachotherbecausebeingtogetherissoorganicthatdoinganythingelsewouldberidiculous.
Herleavingthisroomfeltridiculous.
Ihadtoremindmyselfthatshewasn’tfeelingwhatIwas.Shedidn’tfeelthechemistry.Shedidn’tfeelanyattractiontomeorattachmenttome.
Shewasdoingajob.
Ifshe’dsaidyestothatdate,Iwouldhavepouredeverythingintoit.Iwouldhavetreatedthatopportunitylikeaonce-in-a-lifetimegift.Itwouldhavebeenprecioustome,thechance.IneverwouldhaveworkedharderforanythinginmylifethanIwouldthetinypossibilityofconvincinghertoconsidermeanoption.
ButI’dmademyinterestknown,andshe’dmadeherdisinterestclear.
Andthatwasthat.
Sheclearedherthroat.“I’llseeyoutomorrow.Goodnight.”
Islippedmyhandsintomypockets.“Goodnight.”
IwatchedherwalktothedoorlikeIwaswatchingthewrongendingofamovieIlovedandknewbyheart.
Butwhenshewenttoletherselfout,thedoorwasstuckshut.Chapter31
Briana
Whatdoyoumeanit’sstuck?”Isaid.
Jacobwasrubbingthebackofhisneck.“It’sstuck.Ican’tgetitopen.”
Istaredathim.ThenIwentbacktothedoorandstartedtuggingdesperatelyonthehandle.Itwasliketryingtoopenabankvault.
“No…”Ibreathed.“No,no,no,no,no…”
“Areyouclaustrophobic?”heasked,lookingworried.
No.Iwasnot.“Yes,”Ilied.
“Butweeatlunchinasupplycloset—”
“Thatdoorisn’tlocked!”
IpulledoutmyphoneandcalledAlexis,pacinginfrontofthefireplacewhileJacobthrewopenthewindowsandthebathroomdoortohelpmewithmyfictionalfearofenclosedspaces.
Sheansweredonthesecondring.“Hey—”
“Ali?We’relockedinJacob’sroom.”
“What?”
“Therewassomefreakybreeze,thedoorslammedshut,andnowitwon’topen.”
IheardthesoundofhercominginthefrontdoorwhilesherelayedthistoDaniel.“Wejustgothome,we’llbeupthereinasecond.”
Forty-fiveminuteslater,wewerestilltrapped.
Jacobhadbeentryingtotroubleshootfromourside,buttheissuewasn’tthelock.Thedoorhadswollenitselfintothedoorway.Likeabrokenfingerswellingaroundaweddingring.
“I’mjustgoingtocutit,”Danielsaidresignedlythroughthespeakeronmyphone.
“No,don’tcutit,”Jacobsaidquickly.
Igawkedathim.“Whatdoyoumeandon’tcutit?”
Henoddedatit.“That’sanantiquedoor.It’sprobablyoriginaltothehouse.It’sirreplaceable.”
“Wearetrappedhere!”
Hepeeredatmecalmly.“Look,mycabindoesstufflikethis.Thefoundationsettlesandthehouseshifts.Humiditymakesthedoorsstick.Itjustrainedyesterday,that’sprobablywhat’sgoingon.”
Jacobraisedhisvoice.“Daniel,doyouhaveadehumidifier?”
“Inthebasement,yeah.”
“Okay.Setthatupinthehallway.Let’srunitovernight.Seeifwecan’tdryoutthewoodalittle.Ifwecan’tgetitopeninthemorning,wecanreevaluate.”
“Goodidea,”Danielsaidfromtheotherside.
IlookedatJacobbleakly.“Allnight?Wehavetostayhereallnight?”
“Weweregoingtobedanyway,”Jacobsaid.“Wehaveabathroom,water,wejustate.Wedon’tneedanything—”
“Ido!Ineed…myretainer!”Isaiddesperately.“Ican’tlivewithoutit!”
Hegavemetheamusedlookofaparententertainingthewildstoryofathree-year-old.
Icouldn’tstaythenightinthisroomwithJacob.Icouldn’tshareabedwithhim.Ilookedoveratitinahalfpanic.I’dneveractuallyseenabedthatsmall—wasn’tthisabed-and-breakfastonce?Didn’ttheyspecializeinbedsmeantforcouples?Wasthisachild’sroom???
“Icouldalwaysgetaladderupthere,”Danielcalledthroughthespeakerphone.“Butyou’dhavetoclimboutontotheroof—”
“Yes.Absolutely.”Inoddedenthusiastically.“Let’sdoit.”
“Youarenotclimbingoutontoaroof,”Jacobsaid.
“Why?”
“Becauseyoucouldfall.Andlookatthewindows.Theyonlyopenfourincheswide.You’dhavetobirth-canalyourselfoutofit,you’llgetstuck.”
“Iagree,Bri,”Alexissaidthroughthephone.“It’stoodangerous.Ithinktheplanisgood,juststaywhereyouare.”
IlookedatJacobindespair.
“Excuseme,”Isaid,andItookmyphonetothebathroomandshutthedoor.
“Alexis,takemeoffspeakerandgotoyourroom,”Iwhispered.
Therewasapauseandthesoundofadoorclosing.“Okay,you’reoffspeaker.”
“Icannotsleepinheretonight.”
“Why?”
“BecauseIwillhavesexwithhim.”
Shesnorted.
“It’snotfunny,”Ihiss-whispered.“YourhousehaslockedmeinathirsttrapandI’msosexstarvedandintohimI’mnotgoingtobeabletosayno.Mylegswillprobablyshootstraightoutlikeoneofthosefaintinggoatsthesecondhesomuchasbreathesonme.Thisisacrisis!”
Icouldtellshe’dmovedthephoneawayfromhermouthsoIwouldn’thearherlaugh—whichItotallydid.
“Ali,themanliterallypropositionedmelastnight.”
“Heaskedyouonadate,”shesaid,stillsnickering.“Hedidn’taskyouforsex.”
“Yes,hedid.Wealreadygoondates.Everyday.Hewasn’taskingmetogetemotionallyinvolvedwithhim,becausehe’snotemotionallyavailableandhe’sseenmydatingprofileandheknowsI’mnoteither,sowhathewasactuallyaskingwasifI’dbeinterestedinmaybehavingsexwithhim.”
“Thatisaverydizzyingargument…”
“SonowI’mlockedinaroomwithamanthatI’mhalfinlovewithandextremelyattractedto,whowantstohavesexwithme,andI’msorry,butIhaveaboutasmuchwillpowerasapieceofbroccoli.”
Shelostit.Ittookherasolidminutetostoplaughinglongenoughtoreply.
“Look,thereareextratoothbrushesinthedrawerunderthesink,”shesaid,stillwheezing.“Icanslipyourretainerunderthedoorandwe’lltakecareofLieutenantDan.Also,youshouldknowthewallsareverythick…”
Igroaned,sittingheavilyontheclosedlidofthetoilet.“Icannotbelievethisishappening…”
“Ican.”
“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”Igrumbled.
“Let’sjustsaythatsometimesthingshappenherethatIcan’texplain.”
Iputmyforeheadintomyhand.“God.Andwhyisthebedsofuckingsmall?”
“Daniel’sre-stainingtheoldframe.Heputthatoneintheroomuntilhe’sdone.”
“Itmightaswellbeahammock.”
Shewaslaughingagain.“Bri?Ithinkyou’vejustmadeittotheOnlyOneBedscene.”
“Ha-ha.”
WhenIhungupwithherandcamebackoutintotheroom,Jacobwascrouchedinfrontofthefireplace,pokingitwithametalrod.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Startingafire,”hesaid,standing.“It’llhelpdrytheroomoutonourside.”
Ofcourse.We’resharingatinybed,andthere’sgoingtobearomanticfire.Perfect.
Hestoodtheregivingmethatearnest,hat-in-hand,puppy-doglookagain.HeknewIdidn’twanttobehere.Isighedandresolvedtotryandbelessvisiblymiserable.Thiswasn’thisfault.
Helookedoverhisshoulderatthebedandcamebacktome.“So…whatsidedoyouwant?”heasked.
Sides?Weweregoingtohavetosleepstackedontopofeachother.
Isighed.“Whatsidedoyounormallysleepon?”
“Theright.”
“Okay.I’llsleepontheleft.”
IlookedatwhatIwaswearing.Iwasinatanktopandjeans.MyboobswouldbeeverywherethesecondIlaydown.
“Youcanborrowashirt,”hesaid,readingmymind.
“Thanks.”
“It’sjustsleeping,”hesaid.
Ha.Right.
Ichangedintotheshirthegaveme.Itsmelledlikehimandmadethewholesituationamilliontimesworse.Alexisslippedmyretainerunderthedoor,whichIactuallydidn’twanttowearinbedwithJacob,butI’dmadesuchabigdealaboutitIhadto.Itmademelisp.
Hisshirtwaslongenoughtocoverme.Barely.Idebatedsleepinginmyjeans,butthatideaactuallydidmakemefeelclaustrophobic,soIjustgotunderthecoversasquicklyasIcouldtokeepfromaccidentallyflashinghim.
WhenJacobgotin,hisentireleftsidewaspressedintomybody.Aftersomeawkward,apologeticshiftingthatseemedtobemutuallygearedatkeepinghispenisasfarawayfrommeaspossible,weagreedtosleepbacktoback.Itwouldhavebeeneasiertolethimspoonme,orforhimtolieonhisbackwithmesleepingcurledupnexttohiminthecrookofhisarm,buttherewasnowayIwasdoingeither.Itwaswaaaaaytooslipperyaslope.
Mykneeswerehalfwayoffthebed.I’msurehiskneeswerehalfwayoffthebed.
Heclearedhisthroat.“Youknow,we’dfitbetterifwe—”
“No,”Isaid,cuttinghimoff.
Hespokeoverhisshoulder.“Wehugallthetime.It’snotsexual.”
Ihadtoholdbackamaniacallaugh.“It’snotthat.I’mjust…reallyclaustrophobic,”Ilied.“Ican’thavesomeonehuggingmerightnoworit’llmakeitworse.”
Hewasquietforabeat.“Okay.”Hewentbacktofacinghissideoftheroom.Andthenoverhisshoulderagain,“Doyouwanttostayupandtalkforalittlewhile?Itmightbehardforyoutosleepifyou’reanxious.”
Iletoutalongbreath.ThenIrolledontomybackandherolledontohis.
“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”Iasked.
“Youcouldaskmeoneofyourweirdquestions.”
“Myquestionsarenotweird,”Isaid,lispingthroughmystupidretainer.
Heproppedhimselfuponhiselbow.“‘Wouldyouratherdrinktoiletwateroreatdirtykittylitter?’That’snotweird?”
“Thatwasanexcellenticebreaker,meanttogettothecoreofwhoyouareasaperson.”
“Uh-huh.”Hiseyeswerecreasedatthecorners.
“Well,whataboutyourquestions?Theysucktoo.”
“Myquestionsaregreat.Youjustdon’ttakethemseriously.”
Igasped.“Ihavetakeneveryquestionyou’veaskedmeseriously.”Majorlisponseriously
Helookedamused.“Really?Yournear-deathexperiencewaswhenyourthighswererubbingtogetheratDisneyWorldonyourtwenty-fifthbirthday—”
“IWASFIGHTINGFORMYLIFE,JACOB.”
Helaughedandhischestrumbledagainstmyarm.Itrumbledeverywhere.Hewassoclose.
Wewerealone…
IswearhiseyesflickeredtomymouthforasecondandIhadthebriefrealizationthatifhekissedmerightnow,Iwouldn’tsayno.Icouldn’t.ItwaslikeIwasundersomespell.Ihadjustenoughstrengthtoholdmyground,butnotenoughtosavemeifheadvanced.IprayedthatJacobwouldbeJacobtonightandberespectful.Healwayswas.Butwhatifhewasn’t?
Averyspecificpartofmewashopinghewasn’t.MytraitorousvaginawasputtingonwarpaintandblowingaVikinghornlikeitwasabouttogoransackJacob’svillage.
Iclearedmythroat.“Theseget-to-know-youquestionsareveryimportantforourfakerelationship.”
“AndwhatexactlydidyoulearnbyaskingmewhatkindofmulletI’dbe?”
“Ilearnedyourhairgrowsoutcurlyandyouhaveagreatlaugh?”
Hecrackedupagain.Hewasstillsmilingwhenhewenton.“Youshouldaskmerealthings.Thingswithsubstance.”
“You’renotreadyformysubstancequestions.Believeme.They’reextremelyinvasive.”
Headjustedhimselfonhiselbow.“Tryme.”
Isatuponmyelbowandlookedathim.“Youcan’thandleit.”
“Ican.”
Inarrowedmyeyes.“No.”
Ilaybackdown.
“What?Whatdoyoumean,no?”
“No.Idon’thaveakiddiepool,Jacob.IgorightfromWouldYouRathertothedeepend.It’sTruthorDareonsteroids.We’renotthere.Wemightneverbethere.”
“JustsoI’munderstandingwhatyourhesitationis,youthinkIwon’tbewillingtoanswertheheavyquestionsyoumightaskme.”
“That’swhatI’msaying.”
“Iwill.”
Ilolledmyheadtolookathim.
Hepeeredatmesteadily.“Imeanit.Askmewhateveryouwant.Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”
Isatupagainsttheheadboard.“Iwanttoknowwhat’sinyoursearchhistory.”
“What?”Helaughed.
Ishrugged.“That’swhatIwanttoknow.It’sworthathousandquestions.”
Thiswaswhenhewasgoingtobail.Nowaywasthismanlettingmeseewhatweirdpornhelikedtowatch.
“Okay.”Hesatup,reachedforhisphoneonthenightstand,andhandedittome.
Istaredatitinshock.“Uh…”
“Mypasswordis7438.”
Iwasliterallyrenderedspeechless.
“Whywouldyouagreetothis?Iwasjustcallingyourbluff.”
Helookedmeintheeye.“There’snothingaboutmethatI’mafraidforyoutoknow.”
Ijuststaredbackathim.
MyheartfelttightandIcouldn’tevenexplainwhy—butthenIknewwhy.Becauseforsomanyyearsmyownhusbandmadehimselfastrangertome.HehadawholedoublelifeIknewnothingabout.Andherewasthismanwhowantedmetoseehim.Allofhim.Hedidn’twantanysecretsbetweenus.HejustgavemehisdamnPIN.
Igrabbedmyphoneoffthenightstandandhandedittohim.“Thenyougettoseeminetoo.Mypasswordis9008.”
“Okay.Andjustsoyouknow,Idon’teverchangemypassword,”hesaid.
“Okay.”
“Thatmeansthatyou’llalwayshaveaccesstomyphone.Andmydebitcard.”
Igawkedathim.“Jacob!YoujustgavemeyourdebitcardPIN?Youcannotgivethatout.”
Hegavemeanamusedlook.“Why?Ican’ttrustyou?”
“Ofcourseyoucantrustme.”Ilispedhardonthewordtrustandhesmiled.
“Well,ifIcantrustyou,thenwhat’stheproblem?”
Iletabreathoutthroughmynose.“YourbankPINshouldn’tbethesamePINasyourphone.ItshouldbetwoseparatePINs.”
“Okay.”Hetookhisphonefrommeanddidafewswipes.Hethumbedsomethingin,thenhehandeditbacktome.“There.Ichangedmypassword.Nowit’sthesameoneasyours.”
“Jacob!”
“What?”Hewaslaughing.“Nowyouwon’tforgetit.”
“WhywouldIneedtoknowyourpassword?”
“TocheckatextformewhileI’mdriving,toopenmyphonetotakeapicture,tolookatmycalendartoseeifwe’reavailableonthesameday—”
Igavehimalook.
“What?We’respendingalotoftimetogether.There’sgoingtobeasituationwhenyou’llneedtogetintomyphone.Ifyoudon’twanttouseit,don’teveruseit,butatleastyou’llhaveitifyouneedit.”
IpeereddownatthecellinmyhandandIfeltmyfacecontortthetiniestbitandIrealizedalumpwasrisinginthebackofmythroat.Istaredattheblackscreensolonghenoticed.
“Areyouokay?”heasked,dippinghisheadtolookatme.
No?Notevenalittle?
IguessthiswasgoingtobethefirstheavytruthIvolunteeredaspartofthisexercise.
“Ididn’tknowmyhusband’sPIN,”Iadmittedquietly.“BecausehegaslightedmeintothinkingIwasparanoidandcontrollingforaskingforit.”
Iraisedmygazetohisandwatchedunderstandingmoveacrosshisface.
“Youandme?”hesaidgently.“We’redifferent.Weagreetobeharmlesstoeachother.”
Thewordsbrokemyheart.Jacob’spromisetobeharmlesstomefeltmoreearnestthanmyownweddingvowshadattheend.
Ibelievedthathewantedtobeharmlesstome.ButmostlybecauseJacobwasharmlesstoeveryone.
Hewatchedmeforalongmoment.ProbablytomakesureIwasokay.ButitfeltlikeIwastrappedinsomehypnotictranceandIcouldn’tlookaway.Icouldseetheflecksinhiseyes.Feelhisbreathjustticklemyface.Hewasonesmallleanfrombeingabletokissme
Icouldn’timaginehowAmy’dhadhisloveanddevotionanddidn’tdoeverythingtokeephim.Didn’twantit,orseeitforthepreciousthingthatitwas.
Ilookedawayandbrokethespell.“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”Isniffed.“It’ssuperinvasive.”
“I’msure.Idon’tcare.”
Iswallowedhardandtookadeepbreath.Okay.Herewego.
Ipickeduphisphoneandwenttohissearchhistory.MostofthefirstpagewasGooglingWakan.IsmiledwhenIsawthathe’dGoogledeverysingleplaceItoldhimtobeforecoming.
BeforetheWakansearcheshehadalonghistoryofsearchesfor…sofas?
Ilookedupathim.“You’reshoppingforasofa?”
“Yeah,”hesaid,sittingagainsttheheadboard.“Iactuallywantedtoshowyou.Seewhatyouthought.”
Hepeeredoverathissearchhistoryandtappedonone.Anavy-bluesofacameup.“Thatone.Whatdoyouthink?”
“Whyareyougettingasofa?”
“Toreplacethereclinerslikeyousaid.”
“You’rereplacingyourchairsbecauseIcameoveronetimeandcasuallysaidyoushouldhaveasofa?”
“Iwanttohavethekindoflivingroomyoulike.”
Myfacewentsoft.
Hewasmakingplansforme?
Permanent,furniture-typeplans—andwewerejustfriends.Nickwouldn’tevencommittohavingdinnerwithmymomwhenshecametotown.Probablybecausehe’dhadonefootoutthedoorforthelasthalfofourmarriage.Iwasn’tonhislong-termagenda.AndJacobwasoverherelike,“I’veknownyoufortwomonths,youmightcomeoveragain,whichsofadoyouwant?”Itmademelaughalittle.
“Ilikeit,”Isaid.“Butyoudon’twanttogositonitfirst?Whatifit’sallhard?”
“IfIgo,willyoucome?”
“Youwantmetocome?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”Inodded.“We’llgositonsofas.”
HesmiledandIwentbacktohisphonewhilehelookedatmine.
Hewasbeingawfullyquiet.
Icouldn’thonestlyrememberwhatI’dGoogledinthelastweek.Nothingscandalous.IthinktherewasalongjauntwhereIwasresearchingmenstrualcups.ButIrefusedtobeembarrassedbyperiodproductsandJacobcouldn’tcareless.Idon’tknowadoctorwhowould.Andeveniftherewassomethinghumiliatinginthere,Ikindofwantedhimtoseeit.Iwantedhimtoseeallmyuglypartsandmydirtysecrets.Like,here’sallmyneuroticshit.Here’smeonatwoa.m.rabbithole,GooglingpsychicmediumsafterIsawaTikTokthatsaidonesolvedanunsolvedmurderinAlabama.Andlook!Insteadofgoingtobedafter,IsearchedforsomelittleplasticdicksIwantedtoputonthelightswitchesinBenny’sroomasaprank.Whatdoyouthinkofthat?Isitweirdenoughforyou?
It’slikeIwantedtoseeifhestillwantedmearoundafterheknewme.Theunscriptedme.Therealme.Themessyme.
MaybebecauseatsomepointNickknewmelikethis,andhedecidedhepreferredsomeoneelse.
IrememberedwhenI’dlookedatNick’ssearchhistory,whenI’dhackedhislaptopandfinallysawwhathe’dbeendoingafterthelidwasblownoffofhisdoublelife.Itwaslikeatimelineofdeception,adetailedaccountofeveryliehe’dtold.
HerehewasGooglingtofigureoutwhichfive-starhotelwasclosesttohisofficesohecouldfuckKellyonthousand-thread-countsheetsonhislunchbreak.Here’shimsearchingforflowershopstosendbouquetsthatweren’tforme.Oh,andhere’sNicksearchingforfirst-classflightstoCancúnwhileIwasasleepnexttohiminbed.Hewasgettingthemforaromanticvacationwithhisgirlfriendthathewasplanningtotellmewasaworktrip.
Whenweflewplaces,heflewuscoach.
YouknowwhatIdidn’tseeinNick’ssearchresults?Notasinglesearchresultforpregnancy.Orparenthood.Orcribsorcarseatsorbabynames…
Anyway.
Jacob’sphonewasaverydifferentsearchhistoryexperience.
IlikedseeingwhatJacobdidwhennoonewaswatchingbecauseitwasexactlywhathesaidhedid.DowntotheGooglesearchforthenurseryhesaidhewasgoingtocheckforrosebushesforhisyardandtheIMDBforactorsonSchitt’sCreekandtheChuck&Don’swebsitefortreatsforLieutenantDan.
Jacobwaswhohesaidhewas.Allthetime.Andtome,menwereneverwhotheysaidtheywere.Butthisone,byallaccounts,sortofwas
Anditscaredtheabsoluteshitoutofme.
IthinkIwouldhavefeltbetterifhissearchhistorywasjustAndrewTatequotesandsixhoursadayofPornhubbecausethenIwouldn’tfeellikeIhadtokeeplookingforthecatch-22.Iwouldn’thavetocontinuetobebracedforthebigletdownwhenJacobMaddoxshowedmehistruecolors.Icouldjustgo,“Ah.Thereitis.”AndthenmyheartwouldstartmakingthebuildingblocksagainforthewallIlikedtokeeparoundit.
Ithink,subconsciously,thatwaswhatIwashopingfor.Iwantedhimtodisappointme.Iwantedtogetpastthefa?adethateveryoneshowstherestoftheworldandseewhohereallywasunscripted.
Buttheplanhadbackfired.BecauseIwasinlovewithJacobunscripted.
Ilovedthateverytimewe’dgoneouttoeatoverthelastweek,he’dGoogledthemenusohe’dknowwhattoorderwhenwegotthere.Ilovedthathe’dGoogledElSalvadorandthenthelittletownI’dtoldhimmymomwasfrom.IlovedthatthedaywetookthetwinstotheparkandCartersaidhewantedhimtowearraccoonsocks,Jacobhadgoneonamulti-sitecrusadeforthem.IlovedthatheGoogledplants.Ilovedit.Itmademewanttoclimbhimforhavingthiswholesomehobbythatwasn’tboningsomeoneelse.
Ilovedit.
Ilovedhim
AndthenIfrozewhereIsat.
OhmyGod…Ilovedhim.
ButhowcouldInot?Hewasthemostlovablemanalive.Ithinkyou’dbehard-pressedtofindanyoneinJacob’slifewhodidn’tlovehim.
ButIloved,lovedhim.Notinafriendshipway.Notinanadmirationway.Inanif-you-weren’t-in-love-with-someone-else,I’d-take-a-chance-on-youway.AnI’d-give-you-everythingway.
Buthewasinlovewithsomeoneelse.Andjustyesterdaythey’dbeenwhisper-fightinginaroomfulloftaxidermyanimals,andshe’dleftherlipstickonhiscollarandherperfumeonhisshirt.She’dsenthimhomeshakenandsadbecauseshestillhadthepoweroverhimtodothat
SoIshouldjuststopthinkingaboutit.Becausemelovinghimdidn’tmatteraslongashelovedher.
Ihandedhimhisphoneback.“Here.”
Hegavememyphonebacktoo.“Ihavetoknow,didyougowiththeDivaCup?”
“Ha.Doyouwishwewouldhavestuckwiththemulletquestions?”
Heshookhishead.“No.Ilikeyoursuperinvasive,completelyinappropriateget-to-know-youactivities.”
Ilaughedalittle.
Heheldmygaze.“Anythingyouwanttoknowaboutme,youjustaskme.”
WillyougobacktoAmywhenthetimecomes?
Doyouhaveanysortoffeelingsformeatall?
Ifyoucouldlovemeback,wouldyouneverhurtmeorleaveme?
Ifwewerepregnant,wouldyouGoogleit?
Ismiledathimforalongmomentandhiseyesflickeredagaintomylips.
“Hey,”hesaid,talkingtomymouth.
“Yeah?”Isaid,talkingtohis.
“Doyouwantsomebourbon?”
Ilookedup.“Youhavebourbon?”
“Yeah.IbroughtitforDanielandAlexis,butthenIsawshewaspregnantandIstartedsecond-guessingifitwasinconsideratetogiveittoher,soIkeptit.Wecouldopenit.”
“Youdon’tdrink,though.”
“Idrink.Ijustdon’tdrinkwhenmyanxietyishigh.”
“We’reinahouse-hostagesituation—it’snothighnow?”
Heshookhishead.“No.”
Agrinspreadacrossmyface.Thenwebothhoppedoutofthebedatthesametime.Chapter32
Jacob
Weweresittingonthefloorinfrontofthefirewithourbacksagainstthehopechestattheendofthebed.IthadbeenanhoursinceI’dprocuredthebourbonfrommyduffelbag,andBrianawasvery,verydrunk.
Wewereplayingadrinkinggamewithadeckofcardswefoundinthenightstand.Wehadtoflingoneintothefireplace,andifwemissed,wehadtotakeadrink.Thescorewasonetofour,notinherfavor.
ShewasleaningintomyshoulderandIpriedthebottleoutofherhands.“Ithinkwe’redonewiththis,”Isaid,puttingonthetopandsettingitnexttome.
“IwishwehadCheez-Its.”Herretainermadeherlisp.
Ichuckledalittleandshelolledherheadtolookupatme.“Don’tlaughatme.Withyour…yourperfectlysymmetricalfaceandyourniceteethandthepuppy-dogthing.”
Ismiled.Ididn’tknowwhatshemeantaboutthepuppy-dogthing,butI’dtaketheteethandsymmetricalfaceanyday.
Ihadneverbeensohappytobetrappedinaroom.
Shewaswearingmyshirt.ItwouldsmelllikeherwhenIgotitback.Icouldn’twait.Itwasalittleshort,though,andIkeptgettingglimpsesofthingsIprobablyshouldn’tbeseeing.Iwashappyaboutthistoo,butalsoknewshewastoobuzzedformodesty,soI’dpulledtheblanketoffthebedandwrappedherinit.
Shehiccupped.
“Doyouneedtothrowup?”Iasked
Sheshookherhead.“Ineverthrowup.Ever.”
“Ever?”
“Nope.Notevennoroviruscantakemedown.Ihaveacat—acatiron—acast-ironstomach—haveyoueverheardofthetwobeersandapuppylitmustest?”
Ishookmyhead,smilingather.“No.”
Sherubbedhernose.“Youaskyourselfwouldyouhavetwobeerswiththispersonandletthemwatchyourpuppyforaweekend?Somepeopleareayes/yes.Someareano/no.Myexwasayes/no.Hewasfuntobearound,butIcouldn’trelyonhim.”
“Amywasano/yes.Shewasreliablebutsheworemeout.”
“I’vebeenthinkingthatformeyou’reayes/yes,”shesaid.Itcameout“yeth/yeth.”
Ismiledathergently.“You’reayes/yesformetoo.”
“Good.BecauseIwanttotellyousomething.BecauseIthinkyoushouldknowwhatkindofpersonIam,youknow?Like,whatI’mcapableof?”
“Okay…”
“Youmightnotlikemeafter.”
Igaveheranamusedlook.“I’msureIwilllikeyou.”
Sheshookherhead.“No.Thisisreallybad.Like,it’ssobad.It’saboutwhatIdidtoNick.WhenIfoundout.”
Ipeereddownather.ShelookedsoseriousIpivotedtofaceher.“Tellme.”
Shelookedatmeamomentlikemaybeshewasreconsidering.Thensheleanedovermylapandgrabbedthebourbon,pulledthetopoff,tookaswig,andsetitbackdown.
“Wow,thatbad,huh?”
Shecamebacktohersideandlookedupatmewithasniff.“SowhenIwasincollege,IusedtoworkatStarbucks,right?AndwhenI’dgetarudecustomer,I’dmaketheirdrinkextragood.Like,I’dusecold-pressedcoffeeintheirFrappuccinoinsteadofthecoffeeconcentrate,thatkindofthing?AndIwouldn’ttellthemwhatIdidsotheycouldneverre-createit.Thatwayfortherestoftheirlifetheirdrinkwouldneverbeasgoodagainandthey’dalwaysbechasingthatonetimeandthey’dneverenjoyitthewaytheydidthatday.”
“Okaaaaay…”
“Thisisn’tthepart,”shesaid.“Thisissoyoucangetit,okay?SoyoucanseehowdiabolicalIam.”
Ichuckled.“Allright…”
Shelookedatmebleakly.
Iarchedaneyebrow.“What’dyoudo?”
Shedrewinalongbreath.Thenshemumbledsomethingtoolowformetohear.
Idippedmyhead.“What?Icouldn’thearyou.”
“IsaidIpouredglitteralloverthehouse.”
Ichokedonmylaugh.“What?”
“Fivegallonsofit.Iputitonthebladesoftheceilingfanstoo.Forlater.IgotaladderandItooksomuchofitandIpouredituptheresowhentheyturnedonthefan—”
Idescendedintoafitoflaughter.
“It’snotfunny,Jacob!I’mnotproudofthis,thisisn’thowrationalpeoplebehave!”
“No,you’reright,”Isaid,wipingatmyeyes.“Youshouldbeinjail.I’mcallingthepolice.”
“Jacob!”
IhadtoputahandovermymouthsoIwouldn’twakeupAlexisandDaniel,Iwascrackingupsohard.
Partofthiswasthebourbonmakingmeloopy,partofitwasthestory,butmostofitwasthemorose,seriouswayshewastellingit.Likeshewasconfessingtoamurder.
“That’snotall.”Sheswallowedhard.“Istolethemicrowaveplate.Andthelightbulboutofthefridge.ItookthelidfortheblenderandtheovenmittsandthegaragedooropenerandIuntunedhisguitarandItoreoutthelastfivepagesofthebookhewasreading.IputredKool-AidintheshowerheadandpeeledthelabelsoffallthecannedfoodandIputrawshrimpintothecurtainrodonthewindownexttothebed—stoplaughing!”
Iwaspracticallycrying.
“TheycallitPullingaBrianaOrtizatwork,”shesaidmiserably.“It’ssoembarrassing.Ithinkthenursestellittotheirboyfriendstoscarethemstraightor—”
Ihadtopullherinandkissthetopofherhead.Icouldn’thelpit.Shelookedsodespondent.
“Theyhadtoreplacethecarpet,”shewhispered.“Theycouldn’tgetthesparklesout.”
“Well,inyourdefense,Ithinkhedeservedit,”Isaid,chucklingintoherhair.
Shenoddedintomychest.“Hedid.Hereallydid.”
“Wheredoyougetfivegallonsofglitter?”
“Amazon.”Sniff.“Prime.”
“Ofcourse.Doyouregretit?”
“No.”
Iletalaughoutthroughmynose.
Shestayedthereforasecond,snifflingagainstmyshirt.Thenshesatupandwipedherhairoffherface.“Tellmesomethingnobodyknowsaboutyou.”
“What?”
“Itoldyouthis.It’smymostembarrassingthing.Soyoutellmesomethingnow.”
Isatbackagainstthehopechestandgaveitsomethought.
“Okay,”Ilookedbackather.“WhenIcameintoBenny’shospitalroom,Ifrozeupbecauseyouweresobeautiful.”
Herjawdropped.“What?”
“Icouldn’teventalk.”
Shegiggled.“Stop!”Shepushedmyknee.“You’rejustsayingthattomakemefeelbetterabouttheglitter.”
Ilookedathersteadily.“I’mserious.”
ShegawkedandIsmiled.
“Well,Ican’tstopstaringatyourcollarbone,”shesaid.
Ilookedatheramused.“Mycollarbone?”
“Ithinkit’ssosexy.”Shelispedonsexy.“Andyourforearms.Ilovethem.”
Well.Iwasneverwearinglongsleevesagain.Winterwasgoingtoberough.
“WhenIwassittingattherestauranttalkingtoyouthatday,itrained,”Isaid.“Iwasonthepatio.Igotdrenched.”
Hermouthfellopen.“Yousatintherainjusttotalktome?”
Ilookedatmylapforalongmomentbeforelookingbackupather.“I’ddoalotmorethanthatforyou.”
Sheraisedhereyestomineandwepeeredateachotherinthesilence.
ThefirecrackledandwarmedthesideofmyfaceandtheflamesdancedacrossheririsesandIwantedtokisshersobadlyeveryinchofmybodyscreamed
Andthatwasthemoment.
Thefirsttimemybrainconsciouslyregisteredwhatmyhearthadbeentellingmeforthelastfewweeks.
Iwasn’tfallinginlovewithher.
Ialreadywas
It’sfunnyhowsimilarlongingfeelstogrief.Eventhoughshewasrighthere,allIcouldthinkaboutwasthepartthatwasmissing.ThepartI’dneverget.
Iwasdestinedtoloveherupcloseandtheneventuallyfromadistance,andshe’dneverknowitorlovemeback.
Itstoletheairfrommylungs.Itstolethestrengthinmyarmsandlegs.Itmademeweakwithdisappointmentandhopelessness,andIknewIwouldalwayscarrytheacheIfeltinthismoment.
Brianawasacatastrophiclifeevent.Athingthatchangedeverything.AndIwouldn’tbethesameafterthis.AllthewomenI’devermetandallthewomenIeverwouldfellawaybeneathher.
Shehadme.
Anditwasn’tbecauseIwasslightlybuzzed,orfeelingsentimental,orbecauseofthewaythefirelitherface,orhowmyshirtclungtoherbody.Shehadme.AndIsuspectedshealwayswould.Nomatterhowthisended.
Nothingcouldhavepreparedmeforher
Ireachedoutandputahandtohercheek.Arule,broken.Aboundarycrossed.Ihadnoreasontotouchherlikethis.Nobodywaswatching.
Butshedidn’tmoveaway.ShejustclosedhereyesandleanedintoitandItriedtopouralltheloveIfeltintothistinycontact.Likemaybeitwouldhelpmereachher.Maybeshecouldfeelitanditwouldchangesomethingthatlikelywasn’tevergoingtochange.
“Whatdoesthisonemean?”shewhispered.
“Thisonewhat?”Isaidsoftly.
Sheopenedherbeautifuleyesandlookedatme.“Thisquiet,”shesaiddreamily.“Iknowallofyourquiets.Iknowwhenyou’realonewithmeandyou’requiet,it’sbecauseyourbrainisstill.Andwhenyou’reinpublicandyou’requiet,it’sbecauseyourbrainisloud.ButIdon’tknowthisone.What’sthisone?”
Iheldhergaze.“Thisone’syou.”
ShesmiledandthenscootedoverandcurledupagainstmeandIgottoputanarmaroundher.Shesnuggledintomeanditwaseverything.Myentireuniversecondensedtoasingleplaceandtime.
“Jacob?”shewhispered.
Iputmynosetoherhair.“What?”
Alongpause.
“Iloveyou.”
Ibreathedoutintoherhairandclosedmyeyes.
Shewasdrunk.Everyoneloveseveryonewhenthey’redrunk.Buteventhoughshedidn’tmeanitthewayIdid,Ialmostsaiditback.ButherbreathhadgonesteadyandIknewshewasasleep.
Itdidn’tmatter.
Nothingwetalkedabouttonightwouldfeelrealtomorrowanyway.Atleastnotforher.ButIgottoholdher.Thatwasreal.Thatwasatleastsomething.
ThefireburneddowntoembersandIstayedthereuntilmybackhurtfromleaningonahopechest.ThenIpickedherupandcarriedhertobed.Andwhileshewascradledinmyarms,shemutteredsomethingaboutteleporting.Chapter33
Briana
Thedoorwasopen.
IwokeupsprawledhalfontopofJacobwithaheadache,thedriestmouthI’deverhad,andarock-hardbonerundermythigh.
OhmyGod.Iboltedupandscrambledoutofthebed.
Jacobsatup,onlyhalfawake.“Whathappened?”
“Nothing.Thedoor’sopen.Planworked,”Isaid,grabbingmyclotheswithoutlookingathim.ThenIrealizedthateverytimeIbentdown,myasspeekedoutfromtheshirthe’dloanedme.Ituggedthebackdownwithonehandandfledtheroomclutchingmyclothesandwhatwasleftofmydignitywiththeother.
Icouldn’trememberhalfoflastnight.Mymemorygotfoggysomewhereaftershotnumberthree.IthinkItoldhimabouttheglitter.Ugh.
Itookthelongestshowerofmylife,chuggedsomewaterandMotrin,andcamedowntofacethefiringsquad.Alexisimmediatelycorneredmeinthekitchen,butIhadnogossipforherotherthanIgotblackoutdrunkandwokeupwithahard-onundermyleg.
Jacobkeptlookingatmeoverthetableatbreakfast.
I’dglanceupandhe’dbesortofsilentlygazingatme.Iusuallyknewwhathewasthinkingwhenhewasquiet,butIcouldn’treadhimthistime,whichmademecertainItoldhimabouttheglitterandnowhewasprobablywrestlingwiththefactthathisfakegirlfriendwasalsolikelyaserialkiller.
Hemusthavecarriedmetobed.NowayI’dgottenmyselfthere.I’dbeenpassedoutandflatonthefloorandhe’dprobablyhadtodead-liftme.
JacobwassosoftandgentleIneverreallygavehimcreditforhowphysicallystronghewas.Heremindedmeofthosesweet,dociledrafthorsestheyuseforridinglessonsforchildren.Youforgetthattheyweighacouplethousandpoundsandcouldpullaloadedwagon.
IwishedI’dbeencoherentenoughtorememberhimcarryingme.Thewholethingwasprobablyverysexy.
Afterbreakfast,JacobandIdrovehomeinourseparatecars.
OnthewayhomeIthoughtaboutthepenis.Ithoughtaboutthepenisalot
Iknewtherewasgoingtobeapeenencounter.Ijustknewit.
Iknewclinicallythathiserectiondidn’tmeananything.He’dbeensleeping.Itwasjustasignofaproperlyfunctioningbloodandnervoussystem,nothingtogetexcitedabout.OnlyIalsoknewthatthenexttimeIpickedupmyvibrator,thatwasonehundredpercentwhatI’dbethinkingabout.Jacob,warmandsleepyinthebedwithme.Me,wakinguptohimhard.OnlyinmyfantasyscenarioIdidn’trunfromtheroom.Islippedahandunderthewaistbandofhisunderweartowakehimupinstead…
Whatifwejustdidit?
Hookedupforthedurationofthisarrangement.Twogrownadultswithneedsandanunderstanding,that’sit.Friendswithbenefits.
Asifthat’sallhe’dbe…
AndthatwasthebiggestreasonofallwhyIcouldn’tcrossthisline.BecauseIdidn’tthinkIcouldseparatethesexfromthefeelingsIwashaving.
No.IknewIcouldn’t.
AndIcouldn’tletmyselffallmoreinlovewithamanwhowasinlovewithsomeoneelse.Icouldn’tbehissecondchoice.Icouldn’tbehisfall-backplan.
ButGod,IwishedIcould.
I’dletthismanturnmeinsideout.Grindmeintodust.Flipmelikeapancake.IwantedhimtodothingstomethatIhadn’tdonewithanyone.Hehadmeworkedupinawaythatwasmakingmecreative.I’deataPop-Tartnakedoffhisbarechest.
Ididn’tknowhowitwaspossibletolovesomeonethismuchandbejustasattractedtothematthesametime.HowyoucouldabsolutelyadoresomeoneandwanttotakecareofthemandputBand-Aidsontheirboo-boosandsimultaneouslywantthemtopile-driveyouintoaheadboard.Iwantedhimtowhispersweetthingstomeafterbendingmelikeapretzelineverysexualwaypossible,andthenIwantedtowatchhimsleepandstareathisfacewithheart-eyeemojis.
Thesetwothingshadneverexistedformesidebysidebefore.Notlikethis.
I’dbeenattractedtomyhusband.I’dbeeninlovewithmyhusband.ButnotthewayitwaswithJacob.Notevenclose.AndIhadtowonderifthisishowNickhadfeltaboutKelly.
Ihatedit.
Becauseifitwas?Igotit.Ireallydid.
Nickshouldhaveleftmefirst.Heshouldhavenevercheatedonme.ButifI’dfeltthiswayaboutJacobwhenIwasmarriedtoNick…itwouldhavebeentorture.ItwouldhavemademequestionifwhoIwaswithwastherightone.
Itwouldhavebeenenoughtoendamarriage.
Itwastwoo’clockwhenIfinallypulleduptomyhouse.Idraggedmyselfoutofthecarandupthefrontwalk,planningongoingtobedtosleepofftherestofmyhangover,butwhenIopenedthefrontdoor,Iimmediatelyknewsomethingwaswrong.Very,verywrong.
Theairsmelledlikechicharron.
Momwashere.
ImouthedasilentcusswordandBennypokedhisheadoutofthekitchen.“Hi,BRIANA.Nicetohaveyouback,BRIANA.”
IgavehimadeathglareandasecondlaterMomcameoutbehindhim.Shehadonheroldapron,andherwildsalt-and-peppercurlsweretiedupontopofherhead.“Hola,mija!”
“Hola,Mamá,”Isaid,huggingher.
Bennywasglaringatmeoverhershoulder.HewasinanapronandIjustknewhe’dbeenMom’sprepcookforhoweverlongshe’dbeenhere.
Sheheldmeoutfromherandshookherheadatmeindisapproval.“Soskinny.Youaren’teating?Whereisyourboyfriend?Hedoesn’tfeedyou?”
“Hefeedsme,Mamá.”
Shepursedherlips.“He’sprobablytooskinnytoo.Youdoctorsnevereat.I’mmakingpupusas,comehelpmewiththemasa.”Shewentbacktothekitchenwithoutwaitingforme.
Islumped.Bennyshotmeavindicatedlook.Nowitwasmyturntosuffer.
Ilovedmymom.Shewasanincrediblewoman.Strong,capable,asurvivorinahundreddifferentways—butshewasalot.
Momlivedtocareforothers.Andwhenthepeopleshelovedwereincrisis,thisinstinctwentintooverdrive.She’dcomehometohernewlydivorcedandapparentlyemaciateddaughterandherailingsoninkidneyfailure.Shewasgoingtoscrubdowneverysurfaceofthishouseandfeedusuntilwebeggedformercy.
Bennylookedoverhisshouldertowardthekitchenandthenclosedthespacebetweenus.
“Ican’tbelieveyoucalledher,”hewhispered.“Wehadadeal.”
“Shecalledmelastweek.WasIsupposedtosendhertovoicemail?”Iwhisperedback.“Itoldheryouhadadonorandyouwerefine.Ididn’ttellhertocome!”
“I’vebeenmakingcurtidosinceeighta.m.ApparentlyI’msickenoughtoneedhertoflyacrosstheUnitedStates,butnotsickenoughtonotchopcabbage.”
Isnortedatthis,whichearnedmeamorepointedglare.“Howlongisshestaying?”Iaskedquietly.
Hehelduptenfingers.Thenhestartedpulsingthem.Twenty,thirty,forty,fifty—twomonths???
Igroanedquietly.“Whhhhy?”
“Tobeheretonursemebacktohealth.”Hejabbedafingeratme.“Thisisyourfault—”
“Myfault?”Iwhispered.“Howisthat?”
“Youmademegiveupmyapartment,”hewhispered.“I’mtrappedhere.”
Icrossedmyarms.“Well,ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,I’mtrappedheretoo.”
“Itdoesn’t.Itdoesnotmakemefeelbetter,Briana.Yousuck.”
“Gildidn’tcome?”Iasked.
“Nope.”
Ugh.Gilbufferedher.ItwasalwaysbetterwhenGilcame.Helikedbeingmotheredandbossedaround.Itwassortoftheirthing.
“Maybeit’llbefun?”Isaidhopefully.
BennygavemealooklikeNo,ItWillNOTBeFun.“Thekitchen’samess.Itlookslikethewholemercadoblewupinthere.”
Hetookoffhisapronandsmackeditintomyhands.“Mamá,mesientounpococansado,”hecalledaroundthecorner.“Gonnagoliedown.”
“Okay,mijo.Brianawillhelpme,”shecalledbackfromthekitchen.
HesmirkedandIrolledmyeyesathim.Iwaswaytoohungoverforthis.
Ispentthenextfourhourshelpingtomakeenoughpupusasforasmallarmy.Wealsostrippedandwashedallthebedsandreorganizedeverycabinetinthekitchen.Momannouncedthatshewasgoingtogivethecatabathoncehecameoutofhiding,andIknewwe’dneverseeCooteroutfromunderthesofaeveragain.
Iknewwhyshewaslikethis.Cookingandcleaningwereherstressresponse.Whenweweregrowingup,therewassolittleshecouldgiveus,buteveniftherewasn’tmoney,shecouldalwaysgiveusacleanhome.Andshewantedtofeedusnowforallthetimesshecouldn’tbefore—andshedid.Inamountsthatattemptedtocompensatefortheleanyears,timesamillion.
ThisextremenestingwouldsettledownonceMomhadthehousethewayshewantedit.Thecookingwouldneverend,butshe’dstopcleaningtheceilingfansonceshefeltwewerebeingadequatelycaredfor.
Momwouldbegreatwhenthereweregrandchildren.She’dbeawonderfulMamáRosa—shewasawonderfulmom.It’sjustthatBennyandIdidn’tneedthislevelofmothering.Butwhentherewereinfantsaround?She’dbeadreamcometrue.
IfeltbadI’dneverbeenabletogiveheranygrandkids.I’dalwaysfeelbadaboutthat.
Wegotcaughtupwhilewecookedandcleaned.Itoldheraboutmy“boyfriend.”ShewantedtomeetJacob.Andhisfamily.
Hisfamilywasnoproblem,butIworriedaboutJacob.He’dbethecenterofherattentionandhe’dprobablygetoverwhelmed.
Icouldn’tdecideifitwouldbebettertointroducethemathisparents’house,whereshe’dhavemoredistractionsandthefocuswouldn’tbesosquarelyonhim?Oralone,whenthestressofAmyandJeremiahwouldn’tbeafactor,becausethey’dprobablybethere.
AndthenIhadamomentofwonderingifIshouldevenintroducethematall.BecauseinafewmonthsJacobandIwouldbreakupanyway.ButthenIrealizedifIdidn’t,MomwouldthinkIdidn’twanthimtoknowherorthathedidn’twanttomeethisgirlfriend’smom
I’dhavetomakeherbelievewewerereal,thewayIhadtomakeeveryonebelieveit.IhadtosetupthesefoundationsthatI’deventuallyhavetoteardown.
Theliejustkeptgettingdeeperanddeeper.AndIhatedit.NotbecauseIhadtotellit,butbecauseIwisheditweren’talie.
IshowedMomhowtosetupBennyondialysis.Ihadtoadmit,thatwasamajorbonusofherbeinghere.Momwasanurse,andshewasverycapableofsharingthisload.HavingtwoofuswhocoulddothiswouldgiveBennytheflexibilityofdoinghisdialysisprettymuchwheneverhewantedto,evenwhenIwasatwork.Hewouldn’thavetowaitformetogethome.
WhenIfinallywentuptobed,itwaselevenandIhadfourmissedtextsfromJacob.OnemakingsureIgothomeokay.AnotheronethankingmeforlettinghimcometoWakan,andtwomorewithsomeselfieswetookyesterday.Ismiledattheselfies.
I’dlovedthelasttwodayssomuch.Ilovedjustbeingwithhim.Talkingtohim,doingthingswithhim.WhenIwaswithJacob,itdidn’tmatterwherewewere,Ididn’twanttobeanywhereelse.Hewaslikethatterrariuminhisplantroom.Aself-sustainingecosystem.EverythingIneededorwantedwaswrappedupintoonehumanbeing.Itdidn’tevenseempossible.
Itoccurredtomethatthisiswhattruecompatibilitymustfeellike.Easy.BeingwithJacobwaseasyinawaythatIneverknewexisted.Anditmademerealizehowmuchofmymarriagehadbeenforced.Howweneverhadanythingtotalkabout.Howhedidn’tseemtolikemyfamilyormakeanyefforttogettoknowthemorAlexis.Eventhingslikevacations.I’dwanttoexploreandhe’dwanttorelax.Thesethingsseemedinsignificantatthetime,justsmalldifferencesofopinionorminutepreferences.Buttheyglarednow.Likeproofthatsomethingwasoffandalwayshadbeen.ThatmaybeI’dmarriedasixoutoftenonthecompatibilityscale—whichcanworkwitheffort.ButJacobwasatenoutoften.Ayes/yes.Jacobdidn’ttakework.
Jacobwasperfect.
Imadeoneofthepicturesofusmyscreensaverandmovedalltheiconsawayfromhisfacesohewasn’tcovered.Ilikedseeinghissmilelookingbackfrommyphone.
I’dhavetotakethisdownwhenwebrokeup.Wouldn’tbeappropriatethen.ButIcouldhaveitfornow.
WhenIcalledhim,heansweredrightaway.
“Hey.You’renotsleeping,areyou?”Iasked.
“No.Justjournaling.Yougothomeokay?”
Iclimbedontomybed.“Yeah.Mymomishere.”
“FromArizona?”
“Yup.”Ipunchedapillowundermyhead.“She’shereforBenny’stransplant.”
“Oh.CanImeether?”
Ilaughedalittle.“Youwanttomeetmoreofmypeople?Youhaven’thadenough?”
“Well,Ididn’tenjoyDougverymuch,butIlikedAlexisandDaniel.”
“Okay,Dougisnotmypeople.Idonotclaimhim.”
Hechuckled.
“Mymomactuallydoeswanttomeetyou,”Isaid.“Andyourfamily.”
“Great.Let’ssetitup.”
Againwiththeenthusiasticmeetingofmyinnercircle.Thismanwasreallyputtingintheworkforthischarade.
“Whatifyourfamilyslips?”Isaid,loweringmyvoice.“Aboutthekidney.Bennyandmymomdon’tknowyou’rehisdonor.”
“Wecouldjusttellthem.”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“Tellthem?Ithoughtyoudidn’twantabunchofpeopleknowing.”
“Icanhandletwomore.”
Itwistedmylips.“Idon’tknow…”
“What?”
“Thesetwopeoplearegoingtobealot.There’sprobablygoingtobecryingandhugging.”
“It’sokay.”
Itwasalittleweirdthathewassowillingtodothis.Allofthis.ImeanIhadtoknowhisfamilyforthething,buthedidn’tnecessarilyneedtoknowmine.Itseemedlikeextraworkforhim
“You’resosociallately,”Isaid
“Iwanttoknowyourfriendsandyourfamily.”
Idon’tknowwhy,buthiswordsgrippedmerightintheheart.Iguessbecausethat’swhatarealboyfriendwoulddo.WanttomeetthepeopleIloved.Hewasprobablydoingthisbecauseintroducingmyfamilytohismadethisfakerelationshipfeelmoreauthentic.Icouldn’treallythinkofanotherreasonwhyhe’dwantourfamiliestomeet,especiallybecausemeetingpeoplehedidn’tknowwashisleastfavoritethingintheuniverse.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Howdoyouwanttodoit?Doyouwantmetotellthemyou’reBenny’skidneydonorbeforeyouseethem?IfeellikeifIdoitinfrontofyou,it’llbeawkward.”
“Sure.”
“Whendoyouwanttodothefamilymeet-and-greetthing?”
“LetmecallMomandseewhatdayworksforher.”
“Allright.”Iyawned.
Thenwejuststayedonthephoneforamoment,notsayinganything.
ThistimelastnightIwasinbedwithhiminWakan.IwishedIwereinbedwithhimnowtoo.I’dseehimatworktomorrow,butitwasn’tthesame.
“Jillcamebackovertoday,”hesaid.
Itwasweird,becauseIfeltlikehesaidittoremindmethatweweresupposedtobelivingtogether.Likehewasthinkingaboutmebeingtherewithhimtoo.
“Whenyourmommeetsmyfamily,she’sgoingtotellthemyou’relivingathome,”hesaid.
Oh,crap.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutthat.
“Wecouldalwaystellherthetruth,”Isaid.“Like,theactualtruth.Thatwe’renotdating.”
“No,”hesaidquickly.“Idon’tlikethat.It’sgoingtogetout.”
Isighed.“Okay.Letmethinkonthis.I’llfiguresomethingout.”Irubbedmyeyes.“Ihavetogotosleep.I’llseeyoutomorrow,okay?”
“Allright.I’llseeyoutomorrow.Goodnight.”
Butthenwedidn’thangup.
Iwaitedforthemomentofdisconnect.Iwantedhimtodoit.Itcouldn’tbeme,atleastnottonight.Butitneverhappened.
Westayedonthephoneinsilence.Thirtyseconds.Aminute.Two.
He’dprobablyjustforgottentohangup.Hisphonewasprobablysittingonhisdeskandhewasbacktoscribblinginhisjournalandhedidn’tevennoticethecallhadn’tended.OnlyIdidn’thearscribbling.Icouldonlyhearthesofttricklingofthefountaininhisplantroom.
Maybehe’dsetthephonedownandleft?Butforamoment,IallowedmyselftobelievethathewasdoingwhatIwasdoing.Hewaskeepingmeforafewextrapreciousmoments.
Iletmyselfreachacrossthesilence.Iwaslookingathimnowinmymind.Hissoft,tendereyes,thecurveofhislips.Theticinhisjawwhenhewasgivingmeoneofhisquiets.TheoneIdidn’tknow.
Icouldfeelhimthroughtheline.Icouldsmellhim.Hewasbecoming3-D,shapedbymymemoryoftheconstantstudyofhisfaceandhismovementsandhismoods.Hefloatedinfrontofmelikeaghost,comingthroughthethinconnectionofourphones.
Iwantedtoruntohim.Towalkoutofthisplaceandgetinmycarandgostraighttohishouse.Burstintohisplantroomwhilehesatatthatdeskandthrowmyselfathimandtakewhateverhewaswillingtogiveme,nomatterhowsmall,ortemporary,orinsignificant.Icouldfeelmybodyandmyheartandmymindwrestlingwithoneanother.Onescreamingforhim,theotheronetooafraidtoact,andthelastonearguingrationallythatthiswouldbeaterrible,terribleidea.
Andheprobablywasn’teventhere.Justaphone,abandonedonadesk.Andme,makingthingsup.
Ipulledthecellawayfrommyearandlookedatthescreen.ThenIpressedtheEndCallbutton.
HangingupwithhimandgoingtobedalonefeltlikethesaddestthingI’deverdoneinmylife.
IwaiteduntildinnerafterworkthenextdaytotalktoMomandBenny.Momhadmadepolloencebollado,chickenthighsinatomatoonionbase.Itwasmyfavoritedish.Ofcourseshe’dmadetentimesmorethanwecouldevereatanditwasallgoingintothequicklyfillingdeepfreezerinthegarage.Ohwell.AtleastIwouldn’tkeepwastingmoneyonDoorDash.
I’dgiventhissituationwithJacobalotofthought.I’ddecidedtomoveinwithhim,justforafewmonths.
Hewasright.MymomwoulddefinitelyblowourcovertohisfamilyifIwasstilllivinghere.Movinginwithhimwastheonlywaytomakesurehisfamilydidn’tcatchusinthislieI’dtold.Itwassostupid.Ishouldneverhavedoneit.AmyjustmademesomadandIwantedtorubitinherstupidface.
Anyway.
I’dpromisedJacobthatIwouldmakethisfakerelationshipbelievable.AndIwastheonewho’dmadetheclaimwewerelivingtogether.Hewasobviouslystressedaboutitorhewouldn’tbeinsistingonitsomuch.Plus,thishousewasofficiallycrowdedwithMomandBennyinit.MomcoulddoBenny’sdialysis;Ididn’thavetobehere.SoIwasgoingtoJacob’safterdinner.
WewerefinishingupeatingandIwipedmymouthwithanapkin.
“SoIhavesomethingIneedtotellyouguys,”Isaid.
Mompausedwithherforkhalfwaytohermouth.“Areyoupregnant?”
“No,Iamnotpregnant.”
Icouldn’thelpbutnotethatshelookeddisappointed.
Momwasextremelytraditional.IfIwerepregnantandunmarried,shewouldnotbehappy.Butapparentlymebeingchildlessandunmarriedatmyagewasevenworse.
Iletoutalongbreath.ThenIlookedatmybrother.“Benny,Jacobisyourkidneydonor.”
IheardMom’sforkhittheplate.
“Hedidn’twantanyonetoknow,”Isaid.“Buthe’sgivenmepermissiontotellyou.Also,he’saskedmetomoveinwithhimandI’veagreed.I’mleaving.Tonight.”
Mybrotherlookedstunned.Momhadherhandsoverhermouth.Thenshegotupandheadedstraighttothefridge.
Itwistedinmychair.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Packingfoodforhim.Briana,makehimaplate.”
“Mom,I’mnotgoingyet—”
“Si,claroqueselovasallevar!”ShewaspullingTupperwareoutofthefridge.“Ifyoudonotgoandfeedthatmanrightnow,Iwillgothereandfeedhimmyself.”
Igroaned.Jacobdidn’tknowityet,buthisfreezerwasabouttobefullofSalvadorianfood.Forever.
IlookedbackatBenny.Hewasjustblinkingatme.
“Youdon’thavetomakeabigdealaboutit,”Isaidtomybrother.“He’sintrovertedtoo.Hewon’tlikeabigshowofgratitudeoranything.”
Mompulledaninsulatedbagfromthepantryandwentforthedeepfreezerinthegarage.Whenthedoortothegarageclosed,Bennylickedhislips.“You’renotdoinganythingstupidforme,areyou?”
Iwrinkledmyforehead.“What?”
“You’renotlike,hookingupwithhimforthis.Right?”
Ishookmyhead.“No.”
Icouldtellbythelookonhisfacethathedidn’tbelieveme.“Why’dheaskyouonthatdate?”hesaid.“Theotherday?”
Ileanedforward.“Benny,IneedyoutobelievemewhenItellyouthatJacobwouldneverdoanythingtotakeadvantageofme.Iamdeeplyinlovewiththisman.Andonlyfivepercentofthatisbecauseofwhathe’sdoingforyou.”
Irealizedinthatmomentthatitwastrue.
ItwasamazingthatJacobhadsomanyendearingqualitiesthatdonatinganorgantomybrotheronlyrepresentedthesmallestreasonwhyIlovedhim.
Bennypeeredatmeforasecond.Thenhelookedawayfrommeandnodded.
“I’msorryI’mleavingyouherewithMom,”Isaidquietly.
Hesniffed.“It’sokay.Igetit.Tellhimthanks.”
“Iwill.”
Iputahandoverhis.“Iwantyoutoknow,though,thatIwouldhavedoneanythingIneededtodotomakethishappenforyou.”
Henoddedagain.
AndIguessIsortofalreadywas.BecauseinmakingthisarrangementwithJacob,I’dsigneduptobreakmyownheart.Chapter34
Jacob
Someoneknockedonmydoor.LieutenantDanjumpedupandstartedbarking.
Iwasinmyplantroomjournaling.Itwasalmostninep.m.ProbablyJewel.Myothertwosistershadalreadybeenhereinthelasttwenty-fourhours.
Isighed,setmypenintothepages,andshutthenotebook.Igotupandopenedthedoorto…Briana?
Shehadtwosuitcases,acooler,aduffel,andaninsulatedshoulderbag.
“Hey—”
“I’mmovingin,”shesaid.“Butjustforafewmonths.”
Mygrinrippedacrossmyface.Instanthappiness.
Shecameincarryingtheduffelandthecooler,anexcitedLieutenantDanhoppingaroundherfeet.
“What’sinthecooler?”Iasked.
“MoreSalvadorianfoodthanyouandIcouldevereat.Andit’sgoingtokeepcoming.”
IbeamedasItookherluggagestraighttomybedroomcloset.Iclearedoutaspaceforherontherackandconsolidatedafewdrawerssoshecouldhavethem.
Icouldn’tevendescribehowhappyIwastohaveherhere.ShewouldbethelastpersonIsawbeforeIwenttobedandthefirstpersonIsawwhenIwokeup.
Ipicturedmybathroom,steamyafterhershower,smellinglikeherperfumeandhershampoo.Herthingsscatteredthroughmyhouse.Asweateronthebackofachair.Hershoesbythedoor.Herlipstickonmycups.Theselittleinsignificantthingsthatfeltsohugeandmeaningful.
Icamebackdownthehallwayasshecameoutofthekitchen.“Imanagedtogetitalltofitinthefreezer,”shesaid.
Shelookedaroundthelivingroomwithhandsonherhips.“Ithinkit’llfithere.”
“Whatwillfithere?”
“Theairmattress.”
Shebeganpullingacrumpledrubberwadandablackpumpoutofherduffelbag.Mysmilefaded.Ithoughtshewouldsleepinmyroom.Inmybed.Withme.
“Youdon’thavetosleeponthefloor,”Isaid.“Wecansharemybed.It’sbigenough.”
“No.Ithinkit’smoreappropriateifwedon’tsharearoom.”
“Butwe’vedoneitbefore.Andthatbedwaswaysmaller—”
“It’sjustbetter,Jacob.”
Therewassomethingfinalinhertone.ShepluggedinthepumpandstartedblowingupthemattresswhileIwatched,deflated.
EvenwhenIwasgettingmore,itwasstillnotenough.Itstillwasn’treal.
Istoodtherehopingthemattresswouldn’tfit.Itdid.
Whenshewasdone,shesatonthebedandgaveitalittlebounce.
Ifrownedather.“Well,whatarewegoingtodoifsomeoneknocksonthedoor?”
Sheshrugged.“I’lljustshoveitintheplantroom.”
“Andyouthinkyoucandothisfastenough?”
“Sure.”
Then,almostoncue,someoneknockedonthedoor.Shelookedatmeandhereyesgotwide.Thensheboltedtoherfeetandgrabbedthemattress.
Shelifteditsideways.“Helpme!”shewhispered.
Icrossedmyarms.“Don’tyouthinkyoushouldbepreparedtoexecutethisplanonyourown?Imightnotalwaysbeavailable.WhatifIwasintheshower?”
“You’renotintheshower!”Shewasshufflingsideways,holdingtheclunkymattressagainstherlegs.
“Well,wehavetoplanfortheworst-casescenario,don’twe?”
Sheknockedoveralamp.“Jacob!”
Iwasgrinning.“Nope.”
Shemadeagutturalshriekingnoiseandtippedoveraplanter.Itfellsidewaysanddirtspilledontothehardwood
Istartedcrackingup.
Shesqueezeddownthehallway,knockingpictureframesontothefloorthewholewaytotheplantroom.ItwassofunnyIdidn’tevencareshewasleavingapathofdestructioninherwake.
Amomentlateradoorslammed,andshecamebacklookingflustered.Shestoppedinfrontofmebreathinghard,herponytailcrooked,andshejabbedafingeratmychest.“Youandme?Weareabouttohaveourfirstfight.”
ItwasallIcoulddototryandkeepmyfacestraight.
Someoneknockedagain.
Shegavemeanarrow-eyedglareandstompedtothedoorandopenedit.
ItwasJewel.
“Hey!Whatanicesurprise!”Brianasaid,alittletoobrightly.“Comein!”
Mysistersteppedinsideandpausedtotakeinthescene.Alamponthefloor,framesalloverthehallway,plantonitsside,Briana’shairamess.Icameupbehindherandslippedanarmaroundherwaist.
Jewellookedbackatus.“Uh…whatthehellareyouguysdoinginhere?Yourhouseistrashed.”
Brianasmoothedherhairdown.“Wewerehavingsex.Thingsgotalittlewild.”
“Youshouldseewhatshedidtothebed,”Isaid.
Brianasnorted.
Jewelnoddedslowly.“Okaaaay.Well,good.Gwensaysyouguyslooksexuallyfrustrated.”
BrianaandIblanchedinunison.
“Here’sthemelonballerIborrowed.I’mgonnagonow.”Andsheleft.
IturnedtoBrianaafterthedoorclickedclosed.
Iclearedmythroat.“I’mnotsexuallyfrustrated,”Ilied.
“Well,Iam,”shescoffed.
Ifeltheatrisingupmyneck.Therewassuchaneasysolution…
Shecrossedherarms.“I’mnottalkingtoyouforfiveminutes.Iamverymadatyou.”
“AmIgettingtheglitter?”
Shesuckedinair.“Thinice,Maddox.”
Myliptwitchedandshetriednottosmile,butshecouldn’thelpit.
Shewenttomyroom,presumablytounpackherbagsintomycloset.Igrinnedafterher.
AnhourlaterIwasatthekitchentablewithher,eatingaplateofthefoodshebrought.ItwasthebestmealI’dhadinaslongasIcouldremember.Chickenthighsinabrothysauce.Hermomwasanexcellentcook.“Yousaidthere’sgoingtobemoreofthis?”
Shepulledherkneeupunderherchin.“Jacob,doubledownonyourdeep-freezerspace.”
Ipokedatmyfoodalittle.“I’msorryyouhavetobeherewhileyourmom’sintown.”
“Idon’tmindbeinghere.”
Iraisedmyeyestoher.“Youdon’t?”
“No.Itotallydon’t.It’llbesofun.Andwecancarpooltowork.”
“WecanfinishwatchingSchitt’sCreek,”Isaid.
“AndwecanwalkLieutenantDantogetheranddothesofa-shoppingthing—thiswillbesogoodforInstagram.Also,IwantyoutoknowthatI’mgoingtogiveyouyourspace.Ifyouneedtodisappearintotheplantroomorwhatever,Itotallyunderstand.”
Idoubtedtherewouldbemuchofthat.Ididn’twanttodisappearwhenshewasaround.Iwantedtobewherevershewas.
Igaveherakey,sheets,andablanketandpillowsforherbed.IsetupthecoffeepotlikeIalwaysdidforthenextmorning—onlyImadetwicewhatInormallydid,andeventhissmallthingmademesmile.
We’dbetogetherallthetime,inthesameplace.Theideaofitmademefeelelated.
IneverthoughtI’dwantthat.Icouldneverimaginewantingsomeoneallthetime.Andeventhiswasn’tenough,becauseshewasintheotherroomatnightandnotwithme.
Fromthispointon,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,Isleptwiththedooropen.
Forthenextweekwefellintoaroutine,andIwasthehappiestI’deverbeen.
Weboughtasofa.Itwouldn’tbedeliveredforanotherweek,butwedrovetheoldarmchairsuptothecabinanywayandspentthenight.WewentswimmingoffthedockandshemademepracticetheliftfromDirtyDancingwithher,whichmeantIgottotouchher,eventhoughnobodywastheretoseeit.Mademywholeday.Thenwedriedoffandwalkedtotherestaurantandhaddinner.Shedidn’tbringupthestoryItoldheraboutmetalkingtoherintherainthere.Soshedidn’tremember.Itwasjustaswell.
Wecamebackaftereatingandsatinthearmchairsinfrontofthefiretalkinguntilwecouldn’tkeepoureyesopen.
Amyalwayssaidthecabinwasboringbecausethereweren’tanybarswithinwalkingdistanceorenoughroomsforfriendstostaywithus.WhenItoldBrianathat,she’dlookedatmeconfusedandsaid,“Howcoulditbeboringwhenyou’rehere?”
Ilovedeveryminutewespenttogether.Everysingleminute.
BrianaandIwerebackatworktoday.Wehaddinnerwithhermomandbrotheratmyparents’housetonightafterwegotoff.
IstoodacrosstheER,bythedoorofapatientroom,watchingBrianaatthenurses’station.ShewassittingwithJocelyn,charting.Zandercameoverandstoodnexttome.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“WatchingBriana.Isentherflowers.I’mwaitingforthemtogethere.”
“What’dyousendherflowersfor?”
Ismiled.“She’smadatme.”
“Forwhat?”
“SheaskedifI’deatherifshewereagummybear.Isaidyes.”
HeguffawedandBrianalookedupfromhercomputerandnarrowedhereyesatme.Shegavemeathumbs-downandIlaughed.
Zandereyedme.“Thisthingisstillfake,right?”hesaid,hisvoicelow
Mysmilefellthesmallestbit.“Yes.It’sstillfake.”
“Areyousure?”
Iblewoutabreath.“Iaskedheroutafewweeksago.Shesaidno.”
“Shesaidno?”Helookedbackather.Sheglancedatmeandshookherhead,tryingnottosmile.“Well,areyougonnaaskheragain?”
“No.It’snotlikemyofferexpired.Ifshechangedhermind,she’dtellme.Shedoesn’tlikemelikethat.”
Hepeeredoveratme.“Doyoulikeherlikethat?”
Iwasquietforabeat.“Yeah.Ido.”
Isawtheflowersdriftingdownthehallandbackedupalittleintothedoorway.ThemomentBrianalookedoverandrealizedtheywereforherwasmyshotofserotoninfortheday.Herbeautifulfacelitupandshetookthecardfromthestickandopenedtheenvelope.Iwatchedherreaditandlaugh.Thecardsaid,
DearestBriana,
Mydeepestapologies.Iclearlydidnotunderstandtheassignment.
—J
Shelookedupandsearchedtheroomformeandshebeamedatmewhenshesawme,andmyheartwasfull.
Iwouldgiveherthiseveryday.I’dspendtherestofmylifelookingforwaystomakehersmileatmelikethat.Ilivedforit.
Whenshecameover,everyonewaswatchingus,asusual.Iknewshe’dputonashow.Wecouldn’ttouchtoomuchatwork.PDAwasn’tpermitted.Sowhatwedidherewasactlikewewantedtotouch,buttheruleswouldn’tallowit.She’dstandextraclosetome,lookingupatmelikeifwejustweren’tatwork,she’dkissme.Ilovedthatthebest.Whenshedidthat,itfeltlikeshelovedmeback.Iletmyselfpretend.
Shestoppedaninchshyfrombeingabletohugme.“Zander,”shesaid,noddingathim.Thenshecrossedherarmsandturnedtome.“Thankyoufortheflowers,Dr.Maddox.”
“Soyouforgiveme,then?”Igrinned.
Sheshruggedplayfullyandlookedawayfromme.
“HowaboutifIbuyyoudinnerSaturday?”Iasked.
Hereyesslidbacktomine.“IwantChinesefood.”
“Okay.”
“Igettoplacetheorderandyouhavetogogetit.”
“Soundsfair.”
Shearchedaneyebrow.“I’mgoingtoorderhalfthemenu.”
“Ofcourse.”
Wewereleaningintoeachother,smiling.
“Diosmío,getaroom,”Hectorsaid,walkingup
Welaughedalittleandmovedapart,butwedidn’tbreakeyecontact.Weweresogoodatthis.
Itwashardtobelieveoneofuswasinloveandtheotheronewasjustgoodatpretending.
“Hey,yougotapatientaskingforyouinroomthree,”HectorsaidtoBriana.
Brianagavemeonelastflirtylook.“Dutycalls,”shesaid,joggingbackward.“I’llseeyouatlunch.”
Iwatchedher,grinninglikeanidiot,untilshedisappearedbeyondtheslidingglassdoorsofroomthree.
“Andyou’resureit’sfake…”Zandersaid.
Mysmilefell.
“I’msure.”Forher,anyway.
Wewerejustfriends.Thiswouldallendinafewweeksafterthewedding.Andmyheartbrokeeverysingledaythinkingaboutit.
Theweddingwasinfourweeks.Benny’skidneytransplantwasinfive.Ifiguredwe’dprobablykeepupappearancesforafewweeksafterthat.Thenthatwouldbeit.
Thatwouldbeall.
Iwentbacktowork.
HectorcamebackovertenminuteslaterwhileIwasreadingachart.“Hey,somependejo’smakingamoveonyourgirl.”
Ilookedup.“What?”
“Yeah,he’sallovertherelike,‘Givemeyournumber,let’scatchup.’”
Istaredathim.“Didshegivehimhernumber?”
“Yeah.Guesssheknowshimorsomething?I’mtellin’you,youbettergetoverthere.Thatguy’salloverherandshe’sintoit.Andhe’shottoo.Imean,notashotasyou,but,like,prettydamnclose.”
Foralongmoment,Ilookedatthedooroftheroomshewasin.ThenIsetdownthechartandforcedmyselfnottorun.Chapter35
Briana
Jacobsentmeflowers.
IknowitwasjustforInstagram,butstill.Eventhoughhedidn’tsendthemforthereasonIwishedhesentthem,he’dprobablyspentalldaypickingthemout.That’showhewas.Icouldpicturehimworryingaboutit,checkingreviewsforthefloristbeforecommittingtousingthem.Maybeevencallingtheflowershoptorequestadifferent-colorroseorvasefromthepictureonthewebsite.
Stufflikethismademewishharderthanusualthatthingswerereal.MaybeifJacobwereslightlylessthoughtful,orsweetintheevenings,orkindtohispatients,Iwouldn’tbesofargone.
WhowasIkidding?Evenifhewashalfthemanhewas,I’dbegone.
Hedidthisthinginthemorningwherehe’dleaninthedoorwayofthehallway,holdingacupofcoffeeandtalkingtomewhileIsatonmyairmattress.Hishairwouldbemessyandhe’dbeinhisrumpledpajamasandaT-shirtthatprobablysmelledlikehim.Andhejustlookedso…lovable.Itwasoneofthetimesthatmadeitthehardesttonotbeabletohughimunlesssomeoneelsewasaroundtoseeit.Ibethe’dbewarmandsleepy.Ibethislipswouldbesoftandhe’dtastelikecoffeeandIcouldrunmyfingersthroughhishair.
ButinsteadI’djustsitonmystupidinflatablebed,pretendingIwashappytobeoutinthelivingroomonthefloorinsteadofcuddlinginhisroomwithhim.
Ilovedlivingwithhim.Ilovedit.
Ilikedthathealwayshadclassicalmusicplayingonthelowestvolume.Heusedscentbeadsinhislaundry,andhistowelsalwayssmelledlikelavender.Ilikedthatheburnedcandleswhenitrained.Ilikeditwhenhetalkedsoftlytohisdog,whowaseverybitasinlovewithJacobasIwas.Ilikedhearinghisfootstepscomingdownthehallway,orhisbedcreakingwhenhegotupinthemorning.Ilikedwhenhe’dcomequietlyintothekitchenwithoutwakingmeuptostartthecoffeemaker,orwhenI’dbealmostasleepwhilewatchingTVwithhimonhisbedandhe’ddrapeathrowblanketovermeandturnoffthelight.
Jacobwasthoughtfulandgentle.Hewaspatientandkind.Andhishomewaslikebeinginvitedintoabeautifulbird’snest,whereIfeltinsulatedandsafe.ButIthinkIknewinthebackofmymindthatthethingIlikedaboutJacob’shousewasJacob.Hewasthekeyelementintheself-sustainingecosystemthatwasthislife.Nothingworkedwithouthim.
Islidopentheslidingglassdoorofroomthreetoseethepatientwho’daskedforme.
“Levi!”Iimmediatelybrokeintoagrin.
Themansittingonthegurneywiththebloodygauzewrappedaroundhishandsmiled.“Ithoughtthiswasyourhospital.”
“WhatareyoudoinginMinnesota?”Isaid,closingthedoor.
Hehelduphishand.“Slicingmypalmopenwithaparingknife.”
Isuckedairthroughmyteeth.
“Icanfinishthis,”Itoldtheresidentpreppinghim.Theyletthemselvesout,andIslippedonglovesandtookalookathislaceration.
“Oh,yeah,”Isaid,peelingoffthegauze.“Youreallydidanumberonyourself.”Igavehimamock-seriouslook.“AreyougonnabebravewhileIstitchthis?Nocrying.”
“Really?Youwantmetoleanontoxicmasculinity?You?Ifithurts,Iwillcry.”
Ishookmyheadwithalaugh.God,Levi.Handsomeandcharmingasalways.
Iclosedhishandbackaroundthegauze.“Sohow’syourwife?”Iasked.
“Good.We’redivorced.”
Ipulledback.“Really?YouguyslookedallhappyonInstagram.”
“Yeah,well.Itdidn’tworkout.We’restillfriends,though.Isawyougotdivorcedtoo.Iwassorrytohearthat.”
Ishrugged,peelingoffmygloves.“Shithappens.Whatareyougonnado.”
“SorememberCindy?”heasked.
Itossedmyglovesinthetrash.“CindyBaker?Yourneighbor?Totally.WeusedtoplayGuitarHerowithherinyourlivingroomafterschool.”
“She’swhyImovedback.”
Iraisedmyeyebrows.“Seriously?”
“Yup.ShefriendedmeonFacebooklastyearinthemiddleofmydivorcestuff.Wemovedintwoweeksago.”
Ishookmyhead.“Imaginethat.Yoursoulmatewasthegirlnextdoor.”
“Iknow.It’swild.”
Theslidingdooropened,andHectorcamebackin.
Levigrinned.“Bothofusdivorced.Whowouldhavethought?Ihopeit’sokayifIsayyourhusbandwasanidiot.”
“Youhavenoidea.”
Helookedatmeapprovingly.“Youlookgood,though.Scrubssuityou.”
Ibeamed,leaningbackonthecounter.“Thankyou.Youshouldseemecoveredinbloodandvomit.”
Helaughed.
“Hey,weshouldgofordrinkssometime,”hesaid.“Catchup.”
“Yeah,sure,”Isaid.
Levinoddedatme.“Givemeyournumber.”
IpulledoutmyphoneandturnedtoHector.“CanIgetyoutocleanthisupandgetsomelidocaineonit?AndIneedasuturetray.”
“Yougotit,boss.”Therewasatouchofattitudethereonthewordboss.Hegavemeaweirdpursed-liplookandleft.
Leviwatchedhimgo.“Whatwasthatabout?”
Irolledmyeyes.“Whoknows?Ifhe’snotdramatic,hedies.”
LevigavemehisnumberandItextedhimHisohecouldsavemineinhisphonewhenhishandwasfree.“There,”Isaid,puttingmycellaway.
Hestudiedmeforasecond.“YouknowIgottestedforBenny.”
Ismiled.“Youdid?Thankyou.”
“Didhegetadonor?”
Inodded.“Hedid,actually.Hegetsthetransplantnextmonth.Aperfectmatch.”
Hesmiled.“Good.”Thenhepaused.“Hey.It’sreallygoodtoseeyou.”
Inodded.“Yeah,youtoo.”
“I’mnotsayingthatIstabbedmyselfonpurposejusttohaveanexcusetocometrackyoudown,butit’sdefinitelybeenthehighlightofmyday.IbetCindywouldliketohangouttoo.Getthebandbacktogether.”
Iwascrackingupatthiswhenthedoorslidopenagain.Itwasn’tHector,though—itwasJacob.“Hey,IwaswonderingifIcouldgetaconsult,”hesaid,leaningintotheroom.
“Sure.”IlookedatLevi.“I’llberightback.”
Icameoutintothehallway.“What’sup,whatchagot?”
Henoddedoverhisshoulder.“I’mabouttodrainanabscessthesizeofanorangeinroomsix.Ithoughtyoumightwanttowatch.”
Igrinned.“Awwww,youcomebearinggifts?Ican’t,though.I’mgoingtodothesestitches.”Inoddedovermyshoulder.
“Justhavearesidentdoit.”
“Nah,I’mgonnadothisone.”
Henoddedslowly.“Doyouknowhimor…”
“Yeah,rememberItoldyouaboutthefamilymymomworkedforwhenIwasgrowingup?Theonethathiredherasanursefortheirgrandma?Thisistheiryoungestson.Wesortofgrewuptogether.”
“Oh.CanImeethim?”
Ilaughed.“Youwanttomeethim?”
Hecrossedhisarms.“Yeah,whynot.Iwanttomeetsomeoneyougrewupwith.”
“He’sastranger.Youareawareofthat.”
“IthinkIcanhandleit.”
Ishrugged.“Okay.Comeon.”
WewentbackintotheroomandLevisatupstraighteraswecamein.“Levi,thisismyfriendJacob.Jacob,thisismychildhoodfriendLeviOlsen.”
“I’dshakeyourhandbut…”Levisaid,holdinguphisinjury.
“Levihadarun-inwithaparingknife,”Iexplained.
Jacobnoddedandslippedhisfistsintohispockets.“Well.You’reingoodhands.”
Andthenhejust…stoodthere.
“Well,”Jacobsaidagainafteramoment.“Nicetomeetyou.”Thenhelookedatme.“Eightfordinnertonightatmyparents’.”
“Yup…”Igavehimaslightlyconfusedlook,sincethedinnerwasformymomandmybrother,soofcourseIknewwhattimeitwas.
Hestoodtherejustlongenoughforittobeweird.Thenheleft.
IlookedbackatLevi.
“Isthatyourboyfriend?”heasked
Ilaughedalittle.“Yes.It’salongstory.”
Henodded.“Heseemedkindajealous.”
NowIreallylaughed.“He’snot,trustme.”
God,Iwishhewere.Chapter36
Jacob
Sheintroducedmeasherfriend.Herfriend
Eveneighthourslater,Icouldn’tstopthinkingaboutitasIwaitedforBrianaandherfamilyatmyparents’house.
Brianahadwantedtopickuphermomandherbrotherandmeetmehere.Wehadn’tbeenabletodolunchtogetherlikeweplanned,soIdidn’tgetachancetoaskaboutLevi—IwincedwhenIthoughtofhim.Levi.Whatkindofanamewasthat?Itsoundedlikeagardentool.
They’dseemedcomfortablewitheachother.She’dtakenwaytoolongtostitchhimup.I’dstaredatthedoorofroomthreeuntilIactuallydidhavetogodrainthatabscess,andwhenIwasdone,shewasstillinthere.
Whathadtheybeentalkingabout?
Iwaschewingonmythumbnail.Myanxietywashummingagain.Ithadbeenquietforweeksandnowitwasback.Icouldn’ttellifitwasthedinnertonightorLevi
Herfriend.
Iwasprobablyoverthinkingthis.IwassureIwasoverthinkingit.Maybesheintroducedherboyfriendasafriendtoeveryone?Imeanaboyfriendisatypeoffriend.Right?Itwasn’ttechnicallywrong.
ButtheproblemwasthatIwasn’therboyfriend.Notreally.Andmaybeshe’dwantedhimtoknowthat.
Ipacedinthefoyer,waitingforhertopullintothedrivewaysoIcouldmeetheratthedoor.Itwouldonlybemyparents,Jane,andGrandpatoday.Everyoneelsehadtowork.IwasgratefulforthesmallercrowdbecauseIwasalreadyfeelingdrained.ByLevi
WhenBrianaandherfamilyfinallypulledupoutside,theyweretenminuteslate.Astheycameupthewalkway,Itookadeepbreathandopenedthedoorwithmybestsmile.“Hey,thereyouare.”
“Sorry,wehadalittledetour,”Brianasaid,cominginandkissingmeonthecheek.Myheartskipped.Ididn’tnormallygetkissesofanykind.
AtleastshewantedhermomandbrothertoknowIwasn’tafriend.
Shesteppedasidetointroducemetohermom.“Thisismymom,Rosa.”
“Hi—”
Thewomanthrewherselfatme.“Ourhero!”shesaidwithafaintaccent.“Weprayedforyou,andGodbroughtyoutous.Thankyou.”
Whileshehuggedme,Brianashruggedatmeoverhershoulderwithasmile.
“You’rewelcome,”Icroaked.
Rosapeeledherselfoffmeandheldmebythearms.“ItoldBriana,that’saspecialmanyouhave.Youtakecareofhim.Yougivehimallthegoodsex—”
Iblanched.
“MOM!”Brianalookedhorrified.
Rosalookednonplussed.“What?You’relivingwithhim,it’snotlikeIdon’tknow.”
Well,RosawasgoingtoloveJoy.
Bennycameupbehindhissister,whowasstillshakingherhead.Inoddedathim.“Nicetoseeyouagain.”
“Yeah,”hesaidawkwardly.“Thanks.Forthething.”
“You’rewelcome.”
Brianaslippedanarmaroundmywaistandhuggedmefromtheside,andIlookeddownatherandgotlostforamomentthewayIalwaysdidwhenIgothugsfromher.
“Yousmellgood,”shesaid,smilingupatme.
IwishedIcouldleandownandkissher.That’swhatarealboyfriendwoulddohere.Justaquickpeckandasmile.
InsteadIsaid,“Youtoo.”
Instead.EverythingIwantedtodowithher,Ididsomethingelseinstead.
Grandpacameblazingdownthehallatwarpspeedandsnappedmeoutofit.HerolledsoclosetoBrianashehadtojumpoutoftheway.
“Yougotmycigarettes?”Heglaredather.
“No,Istilldonothaveyourcigarettes,”Brianasaid,crossingherarms
“Wereyousupposedtobringthem?”Rosaasked.
Brianashookherhead.“He’snotallowedtohavethem,Mom.”
“ThehellI’mnot!”hebellowed.“Thisplaceisaprison!”
“Grandpa…”Isaid.
ThenMomandDadcamedownthehallwithJanetosaveme.Iintroducedmyparents.BennyintroducedhimselftomysisterasBen,forsomereason.ThenmyparentssweptRosaandBennyoffforatourofthehousewithGrandpaandJane,andBrianaandIwerealoneforamoment.
Sheslumpedthesecondtheywerearoundthecorner.
“I’msorryaboutthat,”Isaid.“IlockedupJafar,butthere’snothingIcandoaboutGrandpa.”
Shesnorted.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked.“Youwerelate.”
“Yeah,checkoutwhatIdidonthewayover.Isawadeadpossum,soIstoppedtogetitforyourdad—anditwasn’tdead.”
Ibarkedoutalaugh.
“WhenIpickeditup,ithissedatmeandIfellbackward.MymomthinksI’veofficiallylostit.Ilandedinabushandshehadtopickleavesoutofmyhair.Ibumpedmyelbow.”Shelifteditupandfrownedatit.
Igrinned.“Wantmetolookatit?”
Sherubbedit.“No,it’sfine.”
Igaveheranamusedlook.“Youdon’thavetobringmydaddeadthings.”
“ButIwanttobehisfavorite,”shewhined.
Ichuckled.AndthenIjustgazedather.I’dmissedher,eveninjustthehoursinceI’dseenheratwork.
Itdidn’tfeelnormalforustobeapartnow.Andwhenweweretogether,Istillwasn’tgettingasmuchofherasIwanted.
Iwasalwaysstarvedwhenitcametoher.Ilivedoffcrumbs,nevergettingfull.Evennow,standinginthishallwayinaplacewherewecouldtouch,Icouldn’t,becausenobodywasstandingrightheretoseeit.Allofit,everythingIgot,wasperformative,andthedeprivationwasgettingtomealittlemoreeveryday.EventojusttellherthatIlovedherwouldbesomething.ItseemedawastetoloveherasmuchasIdidwithouthereverknowingit.Tobeunawarethatherveryexistencewasmyreasonforsmiling,forbeinghappytowakeupinthemorning.
Herphonechirped.Sheduginherpurseandlookedatit.Thensheturnedoffthesoundandputitaway.
“Alexis?”Iasked.
“No.”Shedidn’telaborate.
Bennyandhermomwerehere.Iwashere.Ifitwasn’tAlexis,whowasit?ButthenIknew.
Iclearedmythroat.“So,Iwasthinking,it’sprobablybestifwetelleveryonewe’redating.Justincase.”
Shetiltedherhead.“Huh?”
“YouintroducedmetoLeviasyourfriend.”
Shewrinkledherforehead.“DidI?”
“Yeah.ItwasjustsomethingInoticed.Ijustthinkweshouldbeconsistent,youknow?”
“Sorry.Freudianslip,”shesaid.“Hey,whatdoyouthinkaboutmetellinghimthetruth?”shesaid,hervoicelow.
Mypulsequickened.“Whywouldyoudothat?”
“Hedoesn’ttalktoliterallyanyoneweknow.Idon’tlikelyingifIdon’thaveto.”
Shewantedtotellhimshewassingle.Whydidshewanttotellhimshewassingle?Ifeltpanicrisinginmelikeacid.Ididn’tevenknowwhattosay.
Shechangedthesubjectandnoddedinthedirectionmyfamilyhadgone.“Weshouldgofindthem,beforemymomthinksI’veabandonedher.”Shelookedbackupatme.“Also,I’mgoingtohavetoserveyouyourfoodtonight,ormymomisgoingtothinkI’mmistreatingyou.”
Igaveheralook.“Butit’smyparents’house…”
“Justletithappen,Jacob.I’mtotreatyouliketheprinceyouare.MymomalreadyleftflowerstotheVirginMarytothankherforsendingyou.You’vebeenelevatedtosaintstatus.”
Well,atleasthermomwaspullingforme.I’dtakewhatIcouldget.Chapter37
Briana
IwasdrivingMomandBennyhomefromJacob’s.Dinnerhadgonewell.BennygottotalktoJoyabouthertransplant.Ithinkitmadehimfeelbetter.He’dneveractuallymetanyonewho’dbeenthroughthesurgery.
“WhywastheparrotscreamingaboutBieber?”Bennyaskedfromthebackseat.
“Hewakesupeverydaychoosingdemonicpossession,”Isaid.
“Andwhat’supwiththeweirdroomwithallthedeadthings?”
“Ididnotlikethatroom,”Momsaid.“Somanyeyes.”
“Hisdad’sataxidermist.Ithinkthey’refunny,”Isaid,turningontothefreeway.“Youdidn’tliketheraccoonontheskateboard?”Iaskedmybrother.
Bennyshruggedintherearview.“Yeah,Iguess.”
“Briana,whydon’tyougivethatoldmanacigarette?”Momasked.
“He’sonoxygen,Mamá.Itcouldmakehimhypoxic.”
“So?Doeshehavedementia?Hecan’tdecideifhewantstosmokehimselftodeath?”
“No,hedoesn’thavedementia.”
“Thenwhynocigarette?Youtellhim,‘Look,Igiveyouthis,andmaybeyoucan’tbreathe.Youstillwantit?’Andifhesaysyes,thenit’syes.I’dgivehimone.Youshouldgivehimone.”
“Joydoesn’twanthimtohavethem.”
Shewavedmeoff.“Unonolovaamatar.He’sagrownman,yougivehimwhathewants.He’sgoingtodie,youlethimdiehappy.Andthatgoesformetoo.Don’tyoutellmeIcan’thavewhatIwantbecauseyou’retryingtomakemeliveforever.IwanttodiedoingthethingsIlove.Iwanttobehappyuntiltheveryend.”
“Okay,Mamá.”
“Youwanttobehappy?”shesaid,goingon.“Marryanuglyrichmanwholovesyoumorethanyoulovehim.”Shenoddedatthewindshield.“Thisone’snotugly,buthe’sgottherestofit.Enculado.”
Isnorted.“Jacobisnotwhipped.”
Shepulledherfacebacktostareatme.“Estásciega!Areyoublind?Ilikethisone.IneverlikedNick.”
“Ha,”Isaid,changinglanes.“Nowyoutellme.”Iletaslowbreathoutthroughmynose.“JacobdefinitelydoesnotlovememorethanIlovehim,Mamá.”
Shescoffed.“Youareblind.You’reworryinginthewrongdirection.Worrytheotherway.”
“Whydoesn’theeverkissyou?”Bennyasked.
“Hekissesme,”Isaiddefensively
“No,hedoesn’t.Healwayslookslikehewantsto,butheneverdoes.”
Ishiftedinmyseat.“Hedoesn’tlikePDA.”
“Buthe’salwaysholdingyourhandandtouchingyouandstuff.”
“Kissingisdifferent.”
“It’snotthatdifferent…”hemumbled.
“Ifheasksyoutomarryhim,sayyes,”Momsaid.“You’renotgettinganyyounger.”
“Okay,Mamá?Ijustwentthroughahorribledivorceandwe’veonlybeendatingforfiveseconds.”
“Andhe’salreadygivingyourbrotheranorgan.Diosmío,whatmoredoyouwant?Ilikehim.Goodjob,good-looking.He’sverypolite.”
“Heispolite.”Andgenerous,andkind.“Butjustsoyouknow,Iprobablywon’teverremarry.”
ShepivotedtolookatmelikeIwasspeakingintongues.“Why?”
“Becauseitdidn’tendwellforme?”
Shewavedmeoffagain.“Youjustbesmartaboutit.Youmakehimgiveyouanexpensivering.Youputyournameoneverything,allhisproperty.Thenifheleavesyou,youtakehishouse.”
“Mamá!”
“What?That’swhatIdidwithGil.It’showIknowhe’snotgoingtoleaveme.Hecan’taffordit.”
“Gilisobsessedwithyouandcouldn’tlivewithoutyou,”Isaid.
“Andifhedid,he’ddoitwithouthishouse.”Sheshrugged.
Ilaughed.ThenIlookedintherearview.“Sowhat’dyouthinkofJacob’sfamily?”Igavemybrotheratwisted-lipsmile.“BEN.”
“Shutup,”hemuttered.
“Jane’spretty,huh?”Isaid,lookingbackattheroad.“She’ssingle,”Isang.
“Iknow.Shetoldme.”
Igasped.“Youaskedher?”
“No.Sheaskedme.Andthenshesaid,‘Metoo.’”
“So?Whatareyougonnadoaboutit?”Iasked,lookingathimthroughthemirror.
“Nothing.Notlikethis,”hemumbled,gesturingtothecatheterunderhisshirt.
Myfacewentsoft.“Onemoremonth,Benny.”
“Ilikedhisfamily,”Momsaid.“Goodpeople.”
“Speakingofgoodfamilies,”Isaid.“LeviOlsencameintoday.”
“Levi?LittleLevi?”
“Yeah,hemovedback.Hewantstohavedrinks.”
Momeyedme.“Jacob’slettingyougo?”
“Okay,firstofall,nomantellsmewhatIamallowedtodo.”
Shecrossedherarms.“Whynot?Youdon’ttellhimwhattodo?”
“Uh,no.Idon’t.”
“Youshouldnotbegoingtherewhenyouhaveaboyfriend,”shesaid.
“Leviisnottryingtomakeamoveonme.He’sdatingCindyBaker.Shewillbethere.”
“TakeJacobwithyou,”Momsaid.
“Why?”
“Sohewon’tgetjealous.”
Irolledmyeyes.“Mamá,heisnotgoingtobejealous.AndJacobisnotalet’s-go-have-drinks-with-my-random-friendskindofguy.Hedoesn’tlikestufflikethat.”
Shetsked.“Mengetjealous,mija.Atleasttellhimtogosoheknowshecan.It’slikeyou’venevermetamanbefore.”
Icouldn’texplaintoMomthatthismanwasn’tgoingtogetjealous.Thathewasn’tgoingtocareonebitwhoIhaddrinkswith.
Becausethismanwasn’treallymineChapter38
Jacob
WhenBrianagothomefromdroppingoffherfamily,Icamedownthehallwaytomeether.
“Hey,”shesaid,lettingherselfin.“It’slate.Ithoughtyou’dbeasleep.”
“Iwantedtomakesureyougothomeokay,”Isaid,leaninginthedoorway
Shesmiled.“Ithinkmybrotherlikesyoursister,”shesaid,takingoffhershoesbythedoor.
“Ithinkmysisterlikesyourbrother.”
Shesetherpursedownonthecredenzaandpaddeduptomeinherbarefeet.“DoyouwanttowatchTVinyourbed?”
“Yes,”Isaid,tooquickly.
Withthearmchairsgoneandthesofanotgettingdeliveredforafewmoredays,theonlyplacetowatchTVwasonmybed.IlikedthissomuchIwashopingtheuniversewouldinterveneonmybehalfandmynewsofawouldfalloffthebackofatruck.
ThelasttimewewatchedTVinthere,she’dfallenasleep.WhenIwokeupinthemorning,she’dalreadygonebacktoherairmattress,butstill.
Webrushedourteethnexttoeachotherinmybathroom.ThensheshutthedoortochangeintoanoldT-shirtandsomeshortsIliked,andcameoutandclimbedundermycomforter.
Itwasmomentslikethesethatmademyheartachemorethanusual,becauseitwassoeasytopictureustogether.Justanothernightinthecasuallifeofahappyrelationship.Wewereacoupleinlove,gettingreadyforbed,watchingTV.
Onlyweweren’t.
Wewerefriends.Maybeevenlessthanfriends,sinceIdidn’thaveanywaytoknowifshe’devenbehereifitwasn’tforwhatIwasdoingforBenny.
“Youlooktired,”shesaid.“Youokay?”
No,IspentthewholedayconcoctingscenariosaboutyouandLeviinmyhead?
“It’sjustbeenalongday.”
Sheturnedontohersideandproppedherselfuponherelbow.“Areyougoingtobeokayfortomorrow?That’salotofsocializingtwodaysinarow.”
Tomorrowwasthebachelorparty.Theguyswereallgoingbarhoppinginalimo,andAmywashavingagirls’thingatmyparents’house.
“I’llbeokay.”
“Yousure?Alimo?Bars?Extrovertsspawnatnight,itcouldbereallybad.”
Isnorted.
“TheEviteAmysentmesaidwe’remakingcandles,”Brianasaid,grimacing.“Shedidn’twanttogorideamechanicalbullinaweddingveil?Dosomethingfun?”
“Iguessnot,”Isaid.“Maybeshereallywantstomakecandles?”
Briananoddedatme.“I’llmakeyouone.Whatessentialoildoyouwant?”
Irubbedmyforehead.“Somethingforstress.”
ItwasnicethatAmyinvitedher.ShewastryingtoincludeBriana,andIappreciatedit.
I,ontheotherhand,wishedIhadn’tbeeninvitedtothebachelorparty.Spendinganightinalimogoingtoloudbarswithagroupofmybrother’sdrunkfriendsmademepreemptivelyexhausted.Ialmostdidn’tRSVP.ButthenBrianamadeagoodpoint,thatifIdidn’t,itwouldlooklikeIwasn’tokay.IwasJeremiah’sonlybrother.Ihadtobethere.AndIespeciallyhadtobethereifIwasattemptingtolooksupportive.
Andalso,ifIdidn’tgo,Brianawouldn’tgotoAmy’sparty.
Mysistersandmomwouldbethere.ItmatteredtomethatBrianawasapartofthethingsthatmyfamilydid.Thattheyembracedher.
Eventhoughnoneofthatwouldmatterintwomonths—notthatwe’dtalkedabouttheendingorwhenexactlyitwouldtakeplace.ButtwomonthsfromnowtheweddingwouldbeoverandI’dbeoveramonthpost-op.Theagreementwouldbefulfilled.
HowmuchlongercouldIexpecthertostay?
IwentquietatthisandstaredattheshowontheTV,lookingrightatitandnotseeingathing.
Hercellphonepingedinthesilence.Shepickeditupandlaughed.
“Who’sthat?”Iasked.
“Oh,it’sjustLevi.”Shebitherlipwhileshetypedinherreply.
Levi.
“You’vebeentalkingtohimalottoday,”Isaid,tryingtosoundnonchalant.
“Yeah.It’sbeennicecatchingup.”
Iclearedmythroat.“Didyoutwoeverdate?”Iasked.
“MeandLevi?Nah.”Thenshesmiled.“MymomusedtoalwaysjokethatI’dmarryhimoneday.”
“Why?”
“Shethoughthehadacrushonme.Idon’tknow.”
Mymouthwentdry.“Youneverwantedtodatehim?”
Shelookedoveratme.“Thisisgoingtosoundalittleeighteen-hundredsVictorianEngland,buthisfamilywouldn’thavereallyapprovedofthat.”
“Whynot?”
Shelookedatmepointedly.“Wewerethehelp,Jacob.”
“Butyou’renotthehelpnow.”IregretteditthesecondIsaiditoutloud.Iwaswingmanninghim,forGod’ssake.
Shemadeanamusednoise.“No,Ihavedefinitelyleveledupsincehighschool.”Shelookedbackatherphone.“I’mhavingdrinksnextweekendathishouse.IwasthinkingthedayyouweregoingtotakeLieutenantDantothevet?I’dbebackbythetimeyougothome.”
Mystomachdropped.Shewasgoingtohishouse?Wasthisadate?
Iwasafraidtoask.BecauseIwasafraidoftheanswer.
Iknewatsomepointthiswouldhappen.Shedidn’twantme,soshe’ddateeventuallyandIhadnocontroloverit.IjustthoughtI’dbesparedthisfornow,safe,tuckedawayintherulesofourarrangement.
Butshewassingle.Andshewantedhimtoknowshewassingle.Maybehealreadydid.Ifitnevergotbacktoanyoneweknew,whatwastheharminherdoingwhateverthehellshewanted?
Shecouldsleepwithhimthatday.Thethoughtmadepanicriseinmychest.
Ihadnorighttotellhernottogo.Ididn’tevenhavearighttobeupset.Allthis,meandher—thiswasafavor.Thiswasn’treal.Weweren’tfuckingREAL.
Herphonepingedagain.Thenagain.Andagain.
Itwasn’tloud,butmyreactiontoitwasphysical.Everytimeatextcamethrough,myshoulderscreepedhigher,mypulsewentup.Thesoundwassotriggering,itfeltlikegunfire.
Ping.
Pingping.
Pingpingping.
“Youknow,I’mactuallyprettytired,”Isaid,pickinguptheremoteandturningofftheTV.“IthinkI’mgoingtogotosleep.”
Herfacefell.“Oh.”
Shesoundeddisappointed.Idon’tknowwhy.Shewasn’tevenwatchingtheshow,andshecouldtextinthelivingroom.
Shegotup.“Okay.Goodnight.”Andthenshewentbacktotheairmattress.
Iwasdisappointedbecauseshewouldn’taccidentallyfallasleepinmybedandtherestofthenightwasruined,butIcouldn’tkeepwatchinghercheckherphone.
Iturnedoffthelight,butIcouldn’tsleep.Mymindwentonamercilesstangentinstead.Whatwashesayingthatmadeherlaugh?Washefunnierthanme?Didshegetbutterflieswhenatextcamethrough?WouldIhavetowatchherdatehim?Rightinthemiddleofourdeal?
Iwasruminatinganditwasn’thealthyanditwasn’tgettingmeanywhere.SoIusedtheskillsI’dlearnedintherapy.Redirectedmythoughts.TriedtogroundmyselfbyfocusingonwhatIknewtobepositiveandtrue.
Brianasoughtoutmyfriendshipinthebeginning,soshemustlikeme.Shesaidshefeelsprotectiveoverme.ShelaughswhenIjokewithher.Shecomplimentsme.TellsmeIsmellgood,thatIhaveanicesmile.
AnditwaspossibleIwasreadingtoomuchintohertextswithLevi.She’djustreconnectedwithhimtoday,andtheyprobablyjusthadalotofcatchinguptodo.
Thishelpedalittle—butnotenough
Ifellasleepforanhourandwokeupafterhavingarestlessdreamaboutabearattackingmeonahikingtrail.ThenIlayinbedworryingaplanewasgoingtohitthehouse,orthatoneofthetwinswouldgetintoanaccident,orthatI’dlostmybirthcertificate.
HadIlostmybirthcertificate?
Igotupandlookedforit,diggingthroughthesafeinmycloset.WhenIfoundit,itwastwointhemorning,andIwaswired.Iwantedtogoforarun.Totearthroughthestreetsatfullspeedandoutpacethisfeeling,orwearmyselfouttothepointofexhaustionsoI’dbetootiredtothink.ButIcouldn’tleavewithoutgoingoutthefrontdoor,andIdidn’twanttowakeBriana.SoIusedmyrowerinstead.
Afterforty-fiveminutes,IwasdrippingwithsweatandnoclosertosleepingthanIhadbeenbeforeIstarted.ItookashowerandfiguredImightaswelljournaltoworkthroughsomeofwhatIwasfeeling.SoItiptoedtotheplantroomandwrote.Aftertwohoursofthat,Ifinallyfeltde-escalatedenoughtofallasleeparoundsix,butIwasupagainateight,rightonschedule.
Andthenshetextedhimthewholeday.
InthekitchenwhenIwasmakingherbreakfast.Inthelivingroomonherairmattress.Inthebathroomwhileshewasdoinghermakeup.Thenthewholewaytomyparents’houseforthebachelorandbacheloretteparties.
Sheneverstopped.
Herphonewasonsilentnow,soIdidn’thearthepings.AndIdidn’taskifshewastalkingtohim,butIknewthatshewas,andIfilledineveryawfulscenarioinmymind:Hewasflirtingwithher,andshewasflirtingback.Shecouldn’twaituntilourarrangementwasoversoshecoulddatehimopenly.Hermomwouldbehappyaboutitbecauseshealwaysthoughtthey’dgetmarriedandnowmaybetheyfinallywould.
Mynerveswerefrayed.Bythetimewepulleduptomyparents’house,thegnawinginthepitofmystomachwasstartingtomakemefeelsick.Iwasgettingoverheatedandsweaty.Ikeptwipingmypalmsonmypants.IhadtocheckthreetimesthatI’dputthetruckinpark.Icouldn’tremember.
“Okay,”shesaid,finallyputtingdownherphone,pivotinginherseattofaceme.“Sohere’syourcatchphraseoftheday.Ready?”
Iwasn’tready.Icouldn’tconcentrate.“Yeah.”
“‘Inthiseconomy?’”Shesmiled.“That’sit.That’sthephrase.”
Ijuststaredather.“Okay.”
Sheeyedme.“It’sagoodphrase,Jacob.”
“Yeah.”
Shetiltedherhead.“Areyouokay?”
“I’mfine.”
Iwasn’t.Iwasfeelingdizzy.Ifeltlikemybrainwasdetachingfrommybody.Icouldn’tbreatheright.
Iwantedtotellhershecouldn’tgotoLevi’snextweek.Iwantedhertostoptextinghim.Iwantedthephonetostopsilentlygoingoff.
Morethanthat,Iwantedhertowantmeback.Iwantedustobereal.Iwantedthistobedifferentanditwasn’tgoingtobedifferentandIfeltlikeIwascollapsingfromtheoutsidein.
ItwashardenoughtodealwiththerealityofBriana’snon-feelingsforme.ButatleastIhadthesefewmonths.AtleastIgottobeclosetoher,evenifitwasjustgoingtobeforalittlewhile.Butthatsafespacehadbeenbreachednow,andwaterwasspillingin,andIwasdrowning.
“Jacob?”
Iblinkedather.
Shewaslookingatmeweird.“Youdon’thavetogotothis.”
“What?”
“Thebachelorparty.Youcanjustsayyoudon’tfeelwellorsomething.Wecangohome.”
“I’m…I’mfine.”
Shestudiedme.“Youlooknervous.”
“I’mnot.”
Shenarrowedhereyesatme,butIgotoutbeforeshecouldpressme.MylegsfeltlikeJell-O.ItwasallIcoulddotopretendtobenormal.Walknormal.Breathenormal.
LieutenantDanwaswalkingnexttome,pushinghisheadundermyhand.
Whenwegotinthehouse,Icouldn’tfocus.Thetwinsjumpedonme.Jafarwasstruttingthroughthehallwaysquawkingobscenities,GrandpawasharassingBriana,whowasharassinghimback,andthewholethingfeltlikeitwashappeningunderwater.Timefeltelastic.Icouldn’ttellhowlongwe’dbeenhere.Aminute?Anhour?Didthelimogethereyet?No.Iwouldhaveremembered.WouldIhaveremembered?
ThenIwasinthelivingroom,sittingonthesofawitheveryone.
AmyandJeremiahwerethereandabouttwentyotherpeoplefortheparties.
Brianawasholdingmyhand,butIswearIcouldhearherphonegoingoff,eventhoughIknewthesoundwasdown.MyheartratewasupandmymouthwasdryandLieutenantDanwasshovinghisheadundermyarm,andIhadtherealizationthatIwashavingapanicattack.
AmyandJeremiahweremakingsomesortofannouncement.Iwasinafishtank.
IcouldseeAmy’smouthmoving.“We’rehavingababy.”
AndthenIwasconsciousofeveryone’seyesdartingtomeandIsaidtheonlythingIcouldthinkofsayingbecauseIhadtogetthehelloutofthere.“Inthiseconomy?”
ThenIfledfromtheroomwhileIcouldstillmakemylegscarryme.Chapter39
Briana
AssoonasAmymadetheannouncement,Jacobdisintegrated.Theshiftwaspalpable.Thetippingofateeteringglassontheedgeofatable.Shattered.
Hisanxietyhadbeenhighallday.Probablybecauseheknewhehadthisbachelorpartyandwasalreadywornoutfromdinnerwithmyfamilylastnight.He’dbeensortofmoodyanddetachedfromtheminutehewokeup.I’dbeentryingtogivehimspacesincehewaspeople’dout,soI’dspentthedaywatchingTikTokvideosandtextingAlexissoIstayedoutofhishair.ButnowIwishedI’dgottenhimtostayhomeinstead.Hewasn’tinagoodplacetohearthisnewsonhisbestday.
Heusedhisescapephraseandpracticallyrantothestepsleadingtothebasement.BythetimeIgotdownthere,hewassittingonthelittlefutonsofaintheroomwiththepooltable,cryingandbreathingintohishands.
Hewashavingapanicattack.Like,anactualpanicattack.BecauseAmywaspregnant.
Myheartbroke
Istoodinfrontofhim,watchinghimhaveabreakdownonthisfuton,andIcouldn’tbegintodescribethewayitfeltseeinghimlikethis.Watchinghimlivethemomentherealizedthatitwasreallyoverbecausetherewasgoingtobeababynowandtheymighthavefigureditoutbeforethat,butnowitwasreal.
Shewasn’tleavingJeremiahforhim
AmyandJeremiahweregoingtobeafamily.
Itwasover.
Allhishopeswereover.Hewasheartbroken,andsowasI.
Iwasrighthere.IwasrighthereandIwasinlovewithhimandhedidn’tcarebecausehecouldn’tevenseemepasther.Ihadfallencompletelyandutterlyinlovewithhimandhehadstayedcompletelyandutterlyinlovewithsomeoneelse.
Istartedtocrytoo.
Ijuststoodthereinfrontofhim,myshouldersslumped,tearsstartingtorolldownmyface.
LieutenantDanwasalmostfrantic,tryingtocrawlintothespacebetweenJacob’sstomachandthehandshehadcuppedoverhismouth.AndIwantedtocrawlintothatspacetoo.
Screwit.Idid.
ImovedthedogoverandclimbedintoJacob’slap.Istraddledhiminmybluesummerdressandwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandputmylipstohisearandjustkeptwhisperingthesamethingoverandoverandoveragain.“Iloveyou.Iloveyou.Iloveyou.”
Herespondedimmediately.LikeI’dreachedhiminthefogandhewasclingingtomebeforehelostmeagain.Hisarmswrappedaroundmeandheburiedhisfaceinmyhairanditfeltlikethemagnetsthathadbeenflippedandturnedandflippedandturnedhadfinallysnappedtogetherandspuntoahalt.
“Iloveyou,”Iwhispered.“Iloveyousomuch.”
Evenifyoudon’tlovemeback.Evenifitnevermatterstoyouormeansanythingorgoesanywhere.Iloveyou.
Hisbreathingwaslabored.
IputmyhandsonhiswetcheeksandlookedhimintheeyeandstartedrecitingthegroundingexercisesIusedforpanickingpatientsintheER.
“Lookforfivethingsyoucansee,”Iwhispered.“Fourthingsyoucantouch.Threethingsyoucanhear.Twothingsyoucansmell.Onethingyoucantaste.”
Buthedidn’tlookforanyofthem.Hejustlookedinmyeyes.Itmusthaveworked,becauseafterafewmoments,Ifelthimcalmingdown.Hisbreathingsteadied,hisheartratesettled.Whenitwasclearhewascomingoutofit,Iputmyforeheadtohisandclosedmyeyes.
Loveme.Justlovemeinstead.I’dtakecareofyou.I’dprotectyouandshieldyouandbeanythingyouneeded.I’dbeharmlesstoyou…
Heshookhisheadgentlyagainstminelikehecouldhearmythoughts.“Ican’tfuckingdothisanymore…”hebreathed.
NeithercouldI.ButthenIcouldn’tevenbringmyselftogetoffhislap.ThepowerthismanhadovermeterrifiedmebecausetherewassolittleIwouldn’tdo.Iwasgladheneveraskedmoreofmeafterheaskedmeonthatdate,becauseIwasn’tcapableofsayingnotohim.Evenifitwasagainstmyownbestinterest.Especiallyifitwasagainstmyownbestinterest.
WhywasIspendingallmytimepretendingthatIwasn’tinlovewithamaninlovewithsomeoneelse?WhywasIdoingthis?WhywasItorturingmyself?Again.
Itwassounfair.
Isqueezedmyeyesshuttighter,tryingtoholditback,butasobchokedme.Hepulledawaytolookatme,worried.Iturned,buthetippedmychinbacktohim.“What’swrong?”
Ijustshookmyhead.
“Briana,lookatme.”
Iopenedmyeyes.HisfacewassocloseIcouldseethetearsonhislashes,theredrimsofhiseyelids.Webreathedintoeachother’sspaceandhestaredbackatme,oneofhisquiets,theoneIcouldn’teverread.
Hewassoperfect.
Hisfacewaslikearttome.Theslopeofhisnose.Theangleofhisjaw.Theblackflecksinhiseyes,thefullnessofhisbottomlip.Istudiedhimunapologetically.CanvassedhimupclosewithsomuchlongingIfeltlikemyheartwouldgiveoutunderthestrainoflovinghimthismuch.
Iwasawareofeverything.Everypointofcontact.Myhandsonhiswarm,firmshoulders.Mydresshikedup,mybarethighsagainsthisthighs.Thetickleofhisbreathonmyface,hisbeltbucklepressinglowintomystomach.
Hewaslookingatmetoo.Hisfacelookedtorturedandpained,andIhatedthatshedidthistohim.Thatshecould.
Wejustpeeredateachother.Melovinghim,andhimlovingher.Heraisedatentativehandandwipedatearoffmycheek.“Briana…”hewhispered.
Thesoundofmynamecaressedmyears.
Therewassomethingsointimatehanginginthespacebetweenus.Iwashypnotizedbyit.Bytheproximitytohimandthehandonmyskinandthewayhissadeyeswereroamingmyface.
Hisgazemovedtomymouth.
Hepressedathumbtomybottomlipandpulleditdowntheslightestbit.Andthenhedidtheworstpossiblething.Theabsoluteworstthinghecouldeverdo.Hedrewmyfacetohisandkissedme.
Justalightbrushingofhislipstomine.Alittletest.
Ifailed.Ikissedhimback.
Itallunraveledafterthat.
Anyboundaries,anysemblanceofproprietyorpolitenessthatwe’dmaintainedallthesemonths,wereinstantlygone.HandsrakedintomyhairandIwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandthekissingbecameadesperate,starving,franticextensionofeverythingwe’dalreadybeendoing—onlytherewasnobodyheretoseeandnoreasonforitotherthanIcouldn’tdenyhimanythinghewantedandbothofuswereoutofourfuckingminds.
Thismanwashurting.HewaslookingforsomekindofdistractionorescapefromwhathewasfeelingandIknewthis.
Idevouredhimanyway.Andhematchedmyenergyathousandpercent.
Histongueplungedagainstmine,henippedatmybottomlip,partedformeandstartedagain.Openedandtasted,pulledbackandnibbled,andkissinghimwaseverythingI’dimagineditwouldbeandmore.Wealreadyknewhowtodothis.Wealreadyhadarhythm,likewe’dalreadykissedathousanddifferentwaysoverahundreddifferentlifetimes.Iknewhismouth.Iknewhiswholebody.Iknewallofhimwithmyeyesclosedaftermonthsofwatchingandwanting,andheknewmetoo.Icouldfeelitineverytouch.
Idrewincloserandhishandsstartedtowander.Heranapalmupmycalf,undermythigh,andpulledmeintohisgrowingerectionwithagriponmyass.Iliftedhisshirtandpressedmyfingersalonghisbarechest,rockingagainstthehardedgeinhislap.Whenheslidfingersintomyunderwearandcircled,kissingroughlydownmyneck,IknewwithoutashadowofadoubtthatIwasabouttofuckhimonthisfuton.IhadzerocontroloveranyofitandIdidn’tevencare.Iliterallycouldn’tstop.
Ididn’tevenwantto.
Ituggedathisbeltuntilhetookoverandunzippedhimself.Heraisedhishipstogethispantsfarenoughoffformetopullhimout.
Andthenhewasinmyhand.Andhewassohard.
Thiswasforme.
Maybenothingelsehefeltwasmine,butthiswas.ItturnedmeontothinkIcouldturnhimon.Thatifnothingelse,atleastIcoulddothistohisbody.Islidmyhandupanddown,strokinghimbetweenus.Heputhishandfirmlyovermineandmademegofaster.
Iwascomingundone.Itwasalltoomuchandnotenough.
Iwantedtogetonmykneesandputmymouthonitandtastehim,butwhenIstartedtoclimboff,hegrabbedmyhipsandpulledmeback.Hecrushedhismouthtomine,yankedmyunderwearsideways,andeasedmedownontopofhim.Thenoisehemadeinthebackofhisthroatasheslidinsidemealmostfinishedmerightthere.
Itwasfireworks.Explosions.Nothingelseexistedoutsideofthismoment.
Mybrainwasscreamingyes
Yestoeverything
YESSSSS.
Allofourclotheswereon.Ididn’tcare.
Thedoorwasprobablyunlocked.Ididn’tcare.
Everyoneupstairswasgoingtotakeonelookatmywrinkleddressandkiss-bruisedmouthandknowwhatwediddownhere—Ididn’tcare.
Ididn’tcare
I’dfantasizedaboutthismomentsomanytimes.Jacobhadmademeorgasmahundredwaysinthelastfewmonths,onlyhe’dneveractuallybeenthereforit.AndImusthavesaidthisoutloudinmydeliriumbecausehebreathed,“Metoo”intomyear.Andtheninagravellyvoice,“Youinthereddressattheluau.Youinmyshirt.Youinyourscrubs.Alwaysyou…”
Ourbreathwasshallow.Myhairfellaroundhimlikeacurtain,andhishandsliftedmybarethighsandguidedmeupanddown.ThemomentumbuiltinmycoreanditwassogoodIwasgoingtoscreamhisnameifIdidn’tbitemylipsclosedwhenithappenedandthenhewasgroaningandIwasgasping,andIfelthimtensingandpulsingintomeandIhadanorgasmthatmademeforgetmyownfuckingname.
Ilovedhimsomuch.
Iwantedtodie,Ilovedhimsomuch.Iwantedtocrawlinsideofhimandlivethere.Iwantedtospendtherestofmylifejustbeingwithhim.Adoringhim.Protectinghim.Livinginallhisquiets.Lettinghimtouchmeanywayhewantedto,asoftenashewantedto.
Aheadonhisshoulderinamovietheater.Akissbeforebed.Acuddleinthedark.Growingoldandholdinghishand.
Anythinghewanted.Anythingheneeded.Iwantedtobehisanything.
ButIwasn’t
Therealitycamedownslowandthenallatonce.Theheatedmomentpassed,andmyheadstartedtoclearandIrealizedwhatI’djustdone.
Thismanwasinlovewithsomeoneelse.
I’dpromisedmyselfthatIwouldneverletamanlovemewithonlyhalfofhimselfeveragain.Iwasn’tevensureI’djustgottenhalfofJacob.Iwasn’tsureI’dgottenanyofhimatall
Idon’teventhinkJacobwasthere.
“OhmyGod,youguysarealwaysmakingout.”
WeturnedtoJewelstandinginthedoorway.
“He’sinthebasement!”shecalledoverhershoulder.“He’sjustsuckingfacewithBriana.Asusual.”Shelookedbackatus.“Thelimo’shere.”
Sherolledhereyes,turned,andleft.
Welookedbackateachother,outofbreath.Mydresswascoveringhislap,buthewasstillinsideme.Myfacestungfromtheshadowofhisbeard,myhairwastangledandstickingtomywetcheeks.
Hiseyesdroppedtomymouthandheslidahandintothebackofmyhair,butbeforeheleanedintokissmeagain,Iscrambledoffhim.“No,”Isaid,tuggingmydressdown.
IwassodisgustedwithwhatI’ddoneIcouldn’tevenlookhimintheeye.I’djusthadsexwithhim,hewasdrippingintomyunderwear,andsuddenlywatchinghimdohisbeltbucklefelttoopersonal.
Istartedtoshake.Icouldn’ttellifitwasfromtheorgasmortheadrenalineorthesoul-crushingdisappointmentinmyself.
“Wecanneverdothatagain,”Isaid,finallymusteringthecouragetolookathim.
Heblinkedatme,rumpledfromthesofa.“What?”
“Ishouldhaveneverdonethis…”Ibreathed.“Itwasamistake.I’msorry.”
Thesilencebetweenuswaslikeavacuum.Itwasn’tthecessationofsound,itwasaworldwheresounddidn’texist.Icouldn’tstandthewayhewaslookingatme.
Iwastryingsohardnottocry.Ididn’twanthimtohavetodealwithAmyandmyfeelingstoo.
“You’regoingtomissthelimo,”Isaid,myvoicecracking.
Heshookhisheadatme.“Idon’tcareaboutthelimo.”Hestartedtogetup.“Briana—”
Ibackedup.“No!Don’ttouchme.”
Itwasamazinghowclearhiseyeslookednowashestaredatme.Sharpandfocused.Likeastormhadpassedandthesunwasoutandhewasseeingeverysingleflawonmyface.Everyflawinmypersonality.
MaybehewasfinallyseeingthethingthatmadeNickwantsomeoneelse.
Icouldn’tstandthescrutiny.Icouldn’tstandthereality.
Irantothebathroomandlockedthedoor.Chapter40
Jacob
Iwaswhiplashed.IfeltlikeI’dbeeninanemotionalcarwreckandI’dbeenejected.Whatthehellhadjusthappenedbetweenus?
Istoodoutsidethebathroomdoornotknowingwhattodo.
Brianasaidshelovedme.She’dsaiditoverandover.Andthenwewerekissingandpullingateachother’sclothesandthenIwasinsideheranditwasthemostamazingthingI’deverfelt—andthenitwasover,shewasembarrassed,anditwasamistake?Whathappened?
Ididn’twanttogointhedamnlimo.Iwantedhertocomeoutandtalktome.Icouldn’tprocessthiswithoutmoreinformation.Icouldn’tsettleonhowtofeeluntilIknewwhatwasgoingonwithher.
Howcoulditbeamistake?Howcouldanythingthatfeltlikethatbesomethingsheregretted?Anditwasn’tjustthesex.Shehadfeelingsforme.Itwasthere.Ifeltit,Ididn’timagineit,IknowIdidn’t.Shesaidshelovedme.Shedidsayit.
Alonghornblaredfromthefrontyard.
Iputahandonthedoor.“Briana,pleaseletmein.”
“Jacob,justgo.”
Shewascrying.
WhathadIdone?HadIdonesomethingwrong?Irestedmyforeheadontheframeandsqueezedmyeyesshut.
Mybrainwasmisfiring.Itwaschaoticandfoggy.Iwassomewherebetweenthetailendofapanicattackandanearth-shatteringdevelopmentwiththewomanIloved,andIcouldn’tthinkstraight.Iwasoverstimulatedandupset,andIneededtolevelmyself.
Istayedwithahandpressedtothedoorforanotherlongmoment.ThenIpulledoutmytruckkeysandreluctantlysettheminthemiddleofthecoffeetablesoshecouldgoifshewantedto.AndItookmydogandleft.
Ididn’tgetinthelimo.ItoldJeremiahthetruth—IwashavingproblemswithBrianaandI’dhadapanicattack.Icouldn’tcarelessatthispointifhebelievedit.MaybeJeremiahthoughtmyissuewasaboutthebaby.Ididn’tcareaboutthateither.Iwasbeyondgivingashitwhatanyonethoughtanymore.
IcalledanUber.
Icalmeddownabitontheridehome.BythetimeIgotthere,I’dstoppedshaking.
ItextedBrianawhenIgotintothehouse.
Me:Iwenthome.Ileftthekeystothetruckforyou.
Shedidn’treply.
Herairmattresswaspopped.Itsatflatandlimpinthelivingroom.Istoodthereandstaredatit.Itfeltominous.Asignthatthingswereending.Thathertimeherewasdone.
Myanxietypitchedandrolled.
Ikeptgoingovereverythinginmyhead.Tryingtopinpointthemomentthingswentwrongorthereasonwhyshe’dhavesexwithmeifshedidn’twantto
Herperfumestillclungtomyshirt.
She’dbeensowet.Icouldstillfeeltherockingofherbodyontopofmine,hearthemoanwhenshecame.She’dwanteditasmuchasIdid.She’dpracticallyclimbedme.Shedidclimbme.
She’dsaidshelovedme.
Orhadshe?
Maybeshehadn’tmeantitlikethat.Maybeshesaiditthewaymysisterssaidit.Tomakemefeelbetter.Toletmeknowtheycared.Maybeshedidn’tmeanitthewayImeantit.
MaybeI’dheardwhatI’dwantedtohear.
IwasonaloopofthelimitedinformationIhad.TherewasnothingIcoulddotosortitout.Icouldn’tknowwhatwasgoingonuntilshetalkedtome.AllIcoulddowastrytocentermyselfandbereadywhenshecamehome.SoIdidtheonlythingIcoulddo.Isatdownandjournaled.Chapter41
Briana
IcleanedupandcameouttojointhebachelorettepartyfifteenminutesafterJacobleft.Idebatedleavingtoo,butIdidn’twantAmytothinkherannouncementhadsentJacobonadeathspiralthatIhadtoleavetonursehimthrough.Imean,ithadsenthimonaspiral,butmystayingatleastmadeitseemlessofabigdeal.
WhenIgotupstairs,everyonewasinthekitchenmeltingwaxandlisteningtoMichaelBublé.ItwasJane,Jill,Jewel,Gwen,Joy,andthenhalfadozenwomenIdidn’tknowbutvaguelyrecognizedfromtheengagementparty.
ItfeltlikeI’dwalkedontothesetofacomedy.Istoodtherewithjust-fuckedhairatthebachelorettepartyofthewomanmyfakeboyfriendwasinlovewith,whileJafarweavedthroughfeetunderthetablesquawking,“Alexa!Ordergarlicbread!”andtheAmazonEchowasreplyingthatgarlicbreadwasalreadyontheshoppinglist.ItwasallIcoulddotonotmaniacallylaugh.
SomeoneshovedacocktailatmethatItastedandthenhelduntiltheicemeltedbecauseitwaspuretequilawithadropofguavasyrup.ThenImadeastupidcandle.
IhadtomoveoutofJacob’shouse.Icouldn’tstaywithhimafterthis.Ididn’tevenknowhowwe’dcontinuetodothisfakerelationshipforthecoupleofweekswehadleft.Itwasgoingtobesoawkwardandsophysicallypainfultoevenholdhishand,nowthatI’dcrossedthiscolossalline.
Iwastryingnottothinktoohardabouthowgoodthesexhadbeen.
Itwasn’treallyworking.
Hewassuchagoodkisser.Itwasn’tevenfunnyhowgoodhewas.Ifhe’dkissedmebeforethis,Iwouldhavebeenagonerweeksago.Istartedtogetworkedupeventhinkingaboutit.
AllIcouldthinkaboutwastouchinghim,thewayhistonguehadtastedandhowhesmelledandthesoundshe’dmade.
Ithoughtabouthowhe’dmademetouchhim.Thewayhe’dyankedmyunderweartotheside.RougherthanIwouldhaveexpectedfromhim.Unapologetic.Hewasnotshywithmeatall.IhadafeelingI’donlyscratchedthesurfacetoday,thatJacobwouldbefullofsurprisesinbed.Icouldalmostpicturehimpinningmewiththatquiet,reflectivegazehehasbeforepushingmeupagainstawall,pullingmyunderweardown,tellingmewhattodo…
OhmyGod,see,thiswasmyproblem.Icouldn’tevenfocus.
Ilookeddownatmycandle.Thewickwascrooked.I’dbeenmakingthisthingwiththeonlytwobraincellsthathadn’tbeendedicatedtothesextapeIwasrewatchinginmyhead.
Iwasamess.HowcouldIbeharmlesstohimwhenIcouldn’tevenbeharmlesstomyself?
Somelittlepartofmesaidthatmaybeifwestartedasexualrelationship,itwouldleadtomore.MaybehewouldeventuallygetoverAmyandfallinlovewithme.Wewerealreadyfriends,wehadphysicalchemistry.Alotofchemistry.Like,adisproportionateamount.Wedidn’thavelove,butthatwasstilltwooutofthree,right?
Pathetic.
Imaginetryingtotalkyourselfintoafriends-with-benefitssituationinwhichyouwerehead-over-heelsinloveandyouknewhewasactivelywishingyouweresomeoneelse.
Ihatedmyself.
MysulkingwasdisruptedwhensomedrunkwomannamedShannonwho’dbeentalkingtooloudlyandwearingamaidofhonorhatstoodupandclinkedherforktothesideofherglass.Everyonelookedupfromtheirproject.
“Atoast!”shebellowed.
Shewasbarelyabletostand.Thisoughtabegood.
Amysmiledandeveryoneliftedtheircocktails.
Shannonswayedforanothermoment.“ToAmy,”sheslurred,holdinguphermartini.“AwomanwhowouldhavebeenmarriedyearsagoifJacobhadn’tstrungheralong!Huzzah!”
Thepartyfellintoaninstanthush.
Amysethermocktaildown.“Shannon,that’snottrue—”
Shannonscoffed.“Whatdoyoumean???Itsois?!Helostthebestthingthateverhappenedtohimbecausehe’stooanxioustofunction.”Shelaughedatherownjoke.
Allmyjumbled,discombobulatedemotionssuddenlyjerkedtoattentionandhonedinonherlikealaser.
“Hefunctionsjustfuckingfine,”Isnapped.
Theroomcollectivelygasped.Shannonblinkedatmelikeshe’djustrealizedthatIwashere.Shepeeredaroundred-eyed,lookingforallies.Shedidn’tseeany.
“What?”shesaid,throwingupahand.“Hedidn’tevengointhelimo.Whatmancan’thandleabachelorparty?”
Isetmyuntoucheddrinkdownwithaclinkandglaredather.“Hehassocialanxiety.Youexpecthimtocometosomeloud-asslimopartywithyourverbal-diarrheahusbands,andyouwonderwhyhedidn’tsuddenlyturnintosomesocialbutterfly?Heshouldgetcreditforeventrying.Youhavenoideahowhardhehastoworktojustfuckingshowup.Andhedoesitbecausethat’swhatlovedoes—itshowsup.He’sshownupforAmyandhisbrothersincethesecondthisstarted.Hehasbeenagoddamnsaintthroughallofthis.Heisnottheasshole.You’retheasshole.”
Jafarsquawked,“ASSHOLE!”fromsomewhereunderthekitchentable.
Everymouthintheroomwasopen.Amywaswide-eyed,Janewasred,Jillwasnodding,JewellookedlikeIhadhervoteforpresident,andJoywasstiflingagrin.
IstareddownShannonuntilshelookedawayfirst.ThenIpulledthekeysoutofmypurse,gotup,andleft.
Idrovetothegasstationdownthestreet,boughtsevendifferentkindsofcandybars,apackofcigarettes,andalighter.ThenIdrovebacktothehouse,snuckinthroughthegaragedoor,andwentstraightforthesunroom,whereGrandpawatchedTV.
“Whatthehelldoyouwant?”hemutteredwhenIcamein.
“GivemeanycrapandI’llchangemymind.”
Iwheeledhimouttheslidingglassdoorsandintothescreened-ingazebointhewoodedpartoftheyard.
Itookoffhisoxygen,movedhistank,openedthepackofcigarettes,andheldoneoutinfrontofhimjustoutofreach.
“Iknowyou’reofsoundmind,soIknowyouunderstandwhenIsaythatifyouchoosetotakethis,itmayworsenyourlungcondition.Youwouldbesmokingagainstmymedicaladviceandprobablytoyourdetriment.”
Henarrowedhiseyes.“Shutupandgiveittome.”
Irolledmyeyes,litthecigarette,andhandedittohim.ThenIdroppedintoachairandstartedeatingaSnickerslikeitwasaburrito.
Theoldmaneyedme.“Toughnight?”
“Youhavenoidea.”
Hetookalongdrawonhiscigaretteandblewthesmokeinrings.“Youhavingtroublewithmygrandson?Wantmetostraightenhimout?”
Isnorted.“Canyoumakehimloveme?”
“Doesn’thealready?”
“No,”Isaid.“No,hedoesn’t.”
Hetookanotherpuff.“AndhereIwasthinkin’hewasthesmartone.”
HefinishedhiscigaretteandIgavehimanotherone.IopenedaMilkyWayandsatthereeatingitwhileIstaredthroughthescreenintothedarkabyssoftheyard,contemplatingallmyquestionablelifechoices.
Jacobneversaidhelovedmeback.
Isaidittohimsomanytimesandnotoncedidhesay“Youtoo.”Buthedidletmeknowhethinksofmewhenhejerksoff.I’dbeabsolutelythrilledaboutthisifhealsohappenedtobeinlovewithmeaswell.
IfIhadanyquestionaboutwhatthiswasforhim,thatwasmyanswer.
Ihadtoburymyfaceinmyhands.
Thiswasmyfault.Allofit.
He’dbeencrystalclearwithmesincethebeginning,thathewasinlovewithsomeoneelse.Thiswascompletelyonme.
MaybeifIhadn’tgoneoffandtoldAmythatJacobandIwerelivingtogether,Iwouldn’thavemovedinthereandwouldn’tbesoworndownfromseeinghimingraysweatpantseveryday.
MaybeifI’dtriedtocalmhimdowninawaythatdidn’tinvolvestraddlinghislap,Iwouldhavehadthefortitudenottohavesexwithhimonafutoninhismom’sbasement.
Igroaned.Ihadsexwithhim.Onafuton.Inhismom’sbasement
Iwaslikeaparodyofmyself.
Eventhoughthiswasjustsexforhim,nowthatIwasn’tgoingtobedoingitagain,hewasgoingtofeelrejectedandlikehedidsomethingwrong,becausethat’sjusthowJacobwas.AndIwasgoingtofeelembarrassedandlikeIcouldn’tcountonmyselftomaketherightdecisions,especiallywhenitcametohim.TheonlywayIcouldbesureitwouldn’thappenagainwastostayawayfromhim.
I’dstillkeepmypromise.I’dattendhisfamilyfunctionsthroughthewedding.ButIcouldn’teverbewithhimaloneandIcouldn’tspendtimewithhimoutsideoftheagreement.
I’dmessedthisup.I’druinedthetimewehadleft.
IstillhadmyfaceinmyhandswhenIheardfootsteps.Asecondlatersomeoneopenedthegazebodoor.IlookedupAmystoodthere.
Westaredateachotherinsurprise.ThenshelookedoveratGrandpasmokingandhermouthfellopen.
Myjawset.Fuckit.“Goahead,”Isaid,sittingbackinmyseat.“TellJoy.Idon’tevencare.”
Amyblinkedatme.Thensheheldsomethingup.ApackofMarlboros.
“Weallgivethemtohim,”shesaidsheepishly.“Well,thegirlsdo.It’ssortofhowyouknowyou’reinthefamily?WhenyoustartsneakingGrandpacigarettes.Hesmokesapackaweek.”
“Two,”hesaidproudly.
Iturnedandgawkedathim.“What?”
Hedidn’treply,buthelookedpleasedwithhimself.
IlookedbackatAmy.“HowdoesJoynotknow?”
Amyshrugged.“Shedoes.ShetoldGregaslongasshe’snotenablingit,shecan’tfeelguiltyaboutit.Andshesaidhelikesthechase?Thatitkeepshimsharp?”
Grandpalookedattheglowingendofhiscigarette.“IalwayscouldmaketheladiesdowhateverIwanted.Haven’tlostmytouch.”
Ishookmyheadathim.Unbelievable.“Youalmostranmedownwithyourwheelchair.Severaltimes.”
“Yougotoutoftheway,didn’tyou?”
Hemanagedtogetalaughoutofme.
Amystoodthereforaminute,lookingself-conscious.“CanIsit?”
Iblewabreathoutthroughmynose.ThenInoddedatthechairacrossfromme.ShesatdownontheedgeoftheseatlikeImightchangemymindandmakeherleave.
Shelickedherlips.“I’msorryaboutShannon,”shesaid.“Shewasoutofline.Shewasverydrunk,andIsentherhome.”
Ididn’treply.
“Jacobneverstrungmealong,”shesaid,goingon.“Hedidn’tdoanythingwrong.Andyouwereright.Ineverreallyappreciatedhowharditisforhimtoshowup—Ididn’tdoenoughtotakehisanxietyseriously.Ideservedwhatyousaid.Probablymorethananyone.”
Shepeeredbackatme.
Ilookedawayfromher.“DoyouwantaTwix?”Imumbled.
“OhGod,yes.”
Idugintotheplasticgas-stationbagandhandedherthecandybar,andsheunwrappeditandtookabite.Sheclosedhereyeswhileshechewed.“Thankyou,”shebreathed.“Iamstarving,allthetime.”
Istudiedherforamoment.“Howmanyweeksareyou?”Iasked.
“Eight.”Shetookadeepbreathandglancedatme.“Honestly,I’vebeensosickandexhaustedIdidn’tevenwanttodothisparty.”
“Isthatwhywemadecandlesinsteadofpoledancingsomewhere?”
Shelaughedalittle.“Thecandlescameoutprettyawful,didn’tthey?”
“Minehasahairinit.”
ShecrackedupandIcouldn’thelpbutsmile.Shefinishedthecandybarandrestedherheadonthebackofherchair.
IlitanothercigaretteforGrandpa.“Don’tyouneedtogobackin?”Iaskedher.
“Nah.ItoldeveryoneIwasfeelingsickandneededtogoliedown.Joymovedeveryoneintothelivingroomandshe’sshowingthemvibratorsshelikes.”
Ilookedovermyshouldertowardthehouse.“Oh,man.I’mmissingthat?”
“Likeyouneedit?”shesaidinanamusedWe-both-know-what-kind-of-earth-shattering-sex-Jacob-is-giving-youkindofway.
IbobbedmyheadatthecommentthatIwouldhavehadtopretendtounderstandjustanhourago.God.
“Isittruehedidn’tgetinthelimo?”sheasked.“Iseverythingokay?”
Idon’tknowwhatitwas.Maybethatshelookedsortofvulnerablesittingthere.Ormaybeitwasthegenuinelyconcernedwayshewaslookingatme.ButIdidn’twanttolieaboutit.
“Wehadafight.”
Shepeeredatme.“I’msorry.”
Shedidn’tpressformoreinformation.ButIdecidedtogiveittoheranyway.
“IthinkI’malittlemoreinlovewithhimthanheiswithme.”
Amyblinked.“Iseriouslydoubtthat.”
Iscoffed.
“No,Imeanit,”shesaid.“Ihaveneverseenhimthewayheiswithyou.”Sheshookherhead.“Heneverwantedtolivewithmeorspendtimewithme.Hedidn’tlookatmelikehelooksatyou.”
Shewaswrong,ofcourse.Jacobdidn’tfeelanysortofwayaboutme.Iwasn’treallylivingwithhim.Iwasn’tevenreallydatinghim.Ifanything,thisjustshowedwhatagoodjobwe’ddonemakingeveryonebelieve.ButIdidappreciatehersayingit,tryingtomakemefeelbetter.
Shetuckedherhairbehindherear.“Youknow,Ithought—atfirst—thatmaybeyouwereonlywithhimforthekidney,”shesaid,soundingalittleguilty.“ButIwaswrong.Icanseethatyoureallylovehimandhowgoodyoutwoaretogether.”Shesmiledalittle.“Itmakesmereallyhappythathe’sfoundthat.Hedeservesthat.”
Istudiedherface.Shemeantit.Shereallydidwanthimtobehappy.
ThiswasthemomentthatIdecidedtolikeher.
ShewasalotlessevilthanIhadimagined.Shewasn’treallyevilatall.IcouldsortofseewhyalltheMaddoxboyswereinlovewithher.
Itsuckswhenyouactuallyliketheotherwoman.
Itsucksmorewhenithappenstwice.
AnhourlaterthepartywrappedupandIdrovetoJacob’shouse.
WhenIwalkedinthefrontdoor,IsetmypursedownonthecredenzaandIheardthedoortoJacob’splantroomopenandhimcomingdownthehallway.
LieutenantDanmetmefirst,andJacobcameinafterhimandstoppedandstoodinthedoorwaywithhishandsslippedintothepocketsofhispajamabottoms.Hesearchedmyface,givingmeoneofhisquietlooks.Theoneswherethewheelswereturning.
Myairmattresswasdeflatedonthefloorbetweenus.Ithadstartedtosaglastnightandnowitwasofficiallydead.Istaredatthis,whileJacobstaredatme.
Icouldsmelltheflowershe’dsentme.He’dputthemonthecoffeetablesoIcouldseethemwhenIwokeup.Seeingthemmademewanttosob.Thispartwasovernow.Icouldn’tbelievehowbadlyI’druinedthis.Nothingwouldeverbethesame.Ihadn’tjustruinedthequalityofthetimeIhadleft,I’dalsoruinedourfriendship.Muddiedit.Madeitweird.
Itwasn’tweirdforhim.He’dwantedthis,toaddbenefitstothearrangement.He’dprobablyjustbeenhappyforthedistraction.
Itwasmewhocouldn’tdealnow.
“Youcansleepinmyroom,”hesaid.“I’llsleeponthefloor.”
ButIshookmyhead.“No.I’mgoinghome.”Iraisedmyeyestohis.
Hepausedforalongmoment.“Why?”
“Ijustcan’tbehere.”
Hedraggedahanddownhismouthandlookedawayfromme.Whenhecameback,heheldmewithhistiredbrowneyes.“Briana.Just…cometobed.”
Mystomachflipped.Ifeltthepowerofhissummonslikeawhisperintomysoul.Cometome,Briana.Come…
Ifeltmyheartreachforhim.
Itmademyeyesdarttohismouth.Itmademyfast-twitchmusclespingwiththeurgetoflingmyselfathimandlethimcarrymetohisroomanddowhateverthehellhewantedtome.Rollontopofmeandpullmyunderweardownandkissmeuntilmylipshurtagain.
ButIshookmyhead.“No.”
Hepeeredatme.“Why?”
“Jacob,Ineedyoutohelpme,okay?Don’ttrytokissmeagain.Don’teventouchmewhenwe’renotinfrontofyourfamily.Let’sjustgetthroughtheweddingandbedonewiththis.Okay?”
“That’swhatyouwant?”
“Ijustsaid.”
“Sometimespeoplesaythingstheydon’tactuallymean.”
Ithrewupmyhands.“Whatdoyouwantfromme,Jacob?”
Hepaused.“Everything.Iwanteverything.Iwantustobereal.”
Ilaughedalmostmanically.“Whatareyoueventalkingabout?Youareinlovewithsomeoneelse!”
Hestaredatme.“What?”
Ishookmyheadathim.“Look,Iknowthatthisthingwithuswouldbeconvenientforyou.AndIappreciatethatyoufindmeattractive,Ireallydo.ButI’mnotgoingtobeyourconsolationprizebecauseitdidn’tworkoutwithAmy.”
“YouthinkI’m—”
“Jacob,don’tbotherdenyingit.Iheardyoufightingwithherthedayoftheluau.Youcameoutwithlipstickandperfumeonyourshirtandthenyouaskedmeoutsoyoudidn’thavetodwellonit.Thentodayyouhadapanicattackbecauseshe’spregnant—”
“Ihadapanicattackbecauseyou’retextingLevi.”
Iblinkedathim.
“Thatdayattheluau?IwasfightingwithAmybecauseshewasworriedyouwereusingmeformykidney.Thatyoudidn’tactuallywantme.AndsoIaskedyououtbecauseIdidn’twanttobelieveher.Iwantedittoberealbetweenus,Iwantedtomakeitreal.Andshewasright.Itwasn’t.”
Heshookhishead.“Idon’tcareaboutAmy,Briana.Idon’tloveher.Idon’tthinkIeverdid.I’mgladshe’spregnant,Ilikebeinganuncle.Andyouknowwhat?Ifyou’reonlywithmeforthekidney,Idon’tcareaboutthateither.BecauseIamsofuckinginlovewithyou,I’llsettleforanything.Eventhat.”Hisvoicebrokeonthelastword.
Ijuststaredathim.Forthefirsttimeever,Iwastotallymute.
“Useme,”hesaid,hiseyesresigned.“Usemeforwhateveryouwant.Juststay.”
Thewordsfrozemeinplace.IhadtolearnhowtobreatheagainbeforeIcouldspeak.“Youdon’tloveher?”Iwhispered.
Heshookhisheadslowly.“No.”
Westoodthereinathickmomentofsilence.Myheartpoundedintothequiet.
“Jacob,IamsoinlovewithyouIcan’tevenstandit.”
Iwatchedthisinformationtransformhisentireface.“What?”hebreathed
“I’minlovewithyoutoo.Ithoughtyouwantedher.Ithought—”
“Sayitagain.”Heswallowed.
“I’m…I’minlovewithyou.”
Iwatchedthewordshithimlikeaphysicalthing,pushingtheairfromhislungsandfillinghiseyeswithhope.
Heclosedthespacebetweenusinthreelongstridesandgatheredmetohim
“Sayitagain,”hewhispered.
“I’minlovewithyou,”Igasped.
“Again.”
“I’minlovewithyou.”
Helaughed,blinkingatmethroughtears.
“Thisisreal?”Iasked.
Henodded.“It’salwaysbeenreal.”
Iletoutahappysob.
Icouldfeelitineverythingsuddenly.Thewayhetouchedme,theenergycomingoffhim,thelookinhiseyes.AndthenIrealizedthatIhadalwaysfeltit.Thiswashisquiet.ThesilencethatIcouldn’tdecipher.Itwasme.
Iwashitwithameteorshowerofrealizations.Icouldtouchhim.IcouldsleepinhisbedandcuddlehimonacouchandholdhishandfornofuckingreasonotherthanIwantedto.Icouldkisshim…
Hemusthavebeenthinkingthesamething,becausehiseyesdroppedtomylips.
Heputanexploratoryhandouttotouchme,likehewantedtotestthathecould.Ithoveredforasecondandthenheslippeditgentlyintomyhairatthenapeofmyneckandputhisforeheadtomineandclosedhiseyes.Hisbreathtickledmylipsanexcruciatinglylongmomentbeforehelethiswarm,softmouthconnectwithmine.Everyinchofmybodycamealive.
Hekissedmelikeeverythinghehadwasbeingpouredintothisbeautiful,tender,gentlething.Hefoldedaroundme,warmandstrong,andIknewIwouldalwaysrememberthislivingroom.Thedimlightsandthesmellofvanillacandlesandthelimpairmattressbyourfeet.“ClairdeLune”playingsoftlyfromaspeakeronabookshelf,thesimplewhiteT-shirtandsweatpantshewaswearingthatsmelledlikehisbodyandhissoapandJacob
Iwantedtofeelhim.Iwantedtoexplorehisbodylikeitbelongedtome.Iwantedtoknowhimwithallmysenses,withmyhandsandmyeyesandmymouth.Iwantedtohearhisheartbeatandsmellthewarmththatclungtohisskin.
Andhewantedthattoo.
Icouldn’tbelieveit.Itwasreal.
Istartedtotearup.
Jacobpulledawayandlookeddownatme.“What’swrong?”
Icouldn’tevenspeak,Ijustshookmyhead.
Hebrushedthehairoffmyforeheadwithasoftthumb.“What?Tellme.”
“Thisiswhatitfeelsliketobetrulyloved.I’veneverfeltitbefore.AndIdidn’tevenrealizeituntiljustnow.”
Hesmiledatmegently.“Yes.Thisiswhatitfeelslike.”
Andwestayedthereholdingeachother,inseparable,immovable,tangledlikeatreethathadgrownintoachain-linkfence.Chapter42
Jacob
Nofair,you’releaning,”shesaid,smilingupatme,bitingherlip.
Iwasleaning.Shewasright.
Brianahadherbacktothewallinthehallwayofthehotel,andwewereplayingthegamewherewestoodascloseaspossiblelikewewantedtokiss.LieutenantDansatatourfeet.WewerewaitingforJewelandGwentocomeoutsowecouldwalkdowntotheceremony.Itwastheweddingday.
IstoodaboutaninchfromBrianainmysuit.Shehadonagreencocktaildressandheels.
“Youcan’tkissme,”sheteased.“Ihavemylipstickon.”
“CanIdothis?”Iasked,myvoicelow,leaningdowntopressmylipstoherbareshoulder.“Orhowaboutthis?”Imovedtohercollarbone.“Orthis?”Herneck.
Shewasalreadyoutofbreath.“Youbetterstop,”shewhispered.
“Orwhat?”Isaid,mylipssoclosetoherskinIcouldpracticallyfeelherpulse.
“Oryou’regoingtohavetotakemebacktotheroom,”shebreathed.
“Thenlet’sgobacktotheroom…”
“OhmyGod,knockitoff,”Jewelcalled,comingoutofherroomwithGwenandthetwins.
BrianaandIlaughed,andIbackedawayfromher.
CarterandKatrinarantome,andIcrouchedinmysuittopickthemup.Carterwastheringbearer,sohewasinalittletuxwithapinkboutonniere.Katrinawastheflowergirl,soshehadonapoofywhitedressandacrownoffreshpinkflowers.
“Whatsocks?”Carterasked.
“Alligators.AndlookwhatBrianahas.”Inoddedather.
Brianapulledherhairoffhershouldertoshowhimhergreensmiling-alligatorearrings.
Thetwinsgiggledandsquirmedawayfrommetoruntowardtheelevator.
Jewellookedexasperated.“IhavetodeliverthesetwotoMominthebridalsuite.Youguysshouldgosit.JillandWalterarealreadydownthere.”
“Where’sJane?”Iasked.
“Meetingherdateinthelobby,”Gwensaid,stillputtinginanearring.
“Janehasadate?”
Mysisterwasshyanddidn’tusuallybringboyfriendsarounduntilthey’dbeentogetherforawhile.
“That’swhatshesaid,”Gwenreplied.“Shewasveryhush-hushaboutit.”
IraisedmyeyebrowsatBriana.“Adate.”
Shegavemeawowface.
IlovedthatBrianaknewmysisters.Thatourworldswereblending.Ilovedthatwegottoholdhandsevenwhennoonewasaroundtoseeit.IgottotouchherwhenIfeltliketouchingher—which,frankly,wasallthetime.Wehadsexlikeweweretryingtomakeupforeverydaywewantedtoandcouldn’t.Overthelastmonthallmycardiowasinbed.
WetextedILoveYoutoeachotherfromacrosstheERatwork.Leftitinlittlenotes.Whispereditinthedark.Saiditrightinthemiddleofaconversation,justbecausewecould.
Mylifewasafairytale.
Ididn’ttakeonesecondwithherforgranted.IsworetomyselfIneverwould.Beingabletoholdherwhilewewatchedamovieorcomeupbehindhertohugherwhileshedrankhercoffeeorputahandonherthighunderatable—itwasallagift.Aprivilege.AndIvowedalwaystohonorthat.Iwroteaboutitinmyjournal—whenIhadtimetojournal.Iwastoobusylivingthedreamthatwasmylifetositdownanddocumentit.ButIwassohappy.
Wegottothecourtyardwheretheceremonywouldbetakingplaceandtookourseats.TherewasatrellisdrippingwithflowerswhereAmyandJeremiahwouldsaytheirvows.Theweatherwasperfect,andthesmellofrosesensconcedus.
“Theweddingcoordinatordidagoodjob,”Brianasaid,lookingaround.“Iloveweddings.”
Ipeeredather.“Wouldyoueverwanttogetremarried?”Iasked.
Shegavemealook.“Youdon’thavetobemarriedtospendtherestofyourlifewithsomeone.”
“Youdon’twanttomarryme?”
Shegavemeanamusedlook.“Areyouasking?”
“AndwhatwouldyousayifIdid?”
“I’dsayyoucannotmarryamanyoujuststarteddating.Nomatterhowgoodthesexis.”
Ipausedtogrin.“Howlong,then?”
Shelaughed.“Idon’tknow.”
Ipivotedtolookatherstraighton.“Sixmonths?Ayear?”
“Areyouputtingareminderinyourphone?”
“I’mserious.Ithinkweshouldtalkaboutit.”
Herfacewentsoft.Shelookedlikeshewasabouttoreply,butthenshepeeredovermyshoulder.“OhmyGod…”
IturnedtoseeJaneandherdatewalkingdowntheaisletotaketheirseats.HerdatewasBenny
Brianabeamed.“Hey,BEN.”
HeignoredherandfollowedJanetothefrontrow.
Iturnedtoher.“Didyouknowtheyweretalking?”Iasked.
Sheshookherhead,stillsmiling.“No.HeprobablythoughtI’dteasehim.WhichItotallywould.”
IlookedbackatBenny.“Helooksgood.”
Shenodded.“He’sputtingweightbackon,he’sexercising.”
“He’sgoingondates.”
Shegazedatme.“Helooksgoodbecauseofyou.Becauseofwhatyou’redoing.”
Iputahandtohercheek.“WillyoustilllovemewhenIdon’thaveanymoreorganstogive?”Iasked.
“I’dloveyouevenifyouwereatalkingheadinajar,”shesaid,speakingtomylips.
“I’dloveyouevenifyoudidn’tlikedogs.”
Shegasped.“I’dloveyouevenifIwasagummybearandyouateme,”shebreathed.
“I’deatyouevenifyouweren’tagummybear…”
“Guys,it’sgettingfuckinggross,”Jewelsaid,sittingdownnexttouswithGwen.“Like,wegetit,you’reobsessedwitheachother.Quititalready.”
Webothlaughed.Iwasjustabouttogetbacktomyweddingquestion,butthebridalmarchstarted.Everyoneshushedandshiftedtowatchastheweddingpartybegantomaketheirwaydowntheaisle.
FirstAmy’smom.ThenJeremiah,lookinglikeakidonChristmasmorning.Hisbestman,thenthetwogroomsmenandbridesmaidssidebyside.Katrinatossingflowerpetals,thenCarterwiththeringpillow.
WhenAmyfinallycamedowntheaislewithherdadtojoinJeremiahunderthetrellis,weallstood.
Ifeltcompletetranquility.Iwashappyforthem.Genuinelyhappy.Theuniversehadrighteditself,andeverythingwasasitshouldbe.NobodywaslookingatmetoseeifIwasgoingtoimplode,andiftheydid,theyquicklyrealizedIwasbusylivingmyownlovestoryandtheydidn’tlookagain.
I’dactuallybeenlookingforwardtothisnightforweeks.Icouldn’twaittoslow-dancewithBriana,eattheweddingcake,andthengouptoourhotelroomafter.Iwashappyaboutthefamilyphotoswewouldtaketodaybecauseshewouldbeinthem,andI’dgettolookbackandrememberthatthisdaywaspartofthebeginningofourlivestogether.
Iwasexcitedaboutallourfirsts.
Ipeeredoverather.“Iwishthemeoftodaycouldsendamessagetothemeofthreemonthsago,”Iwhispered.
Shesmiled.“Oh,yeah?Andwhatwouldyouhavetoldyourself?”
“Iwouldhavesaidthatwhenthisdaycame,Iwouldn’tcareabouttheweddingbecauseI’dbemadlyinlovewithsomeoneelse.”
Shelaughedquietly.“Wouldyouhavebelievedit?”
Ishookmyheadwithagrin.“No.Probablynot.”
Itwastoogoodtobetrue…Chapter43
Briana
ThiswashandsdownoneofthebestweddingsI’deverbeento—notlikethelastcoupleIwentto.Nobodyfollowedmearoundwithaguitar.Mydatedidn’tdrinktoomuchbecausehewasinlovewiththebride,likeNickhadatKelly’swedding.Tonightmydatecouldn’tkeephishandsorhiseyesoffme.
Jacobwasrelaxedandhappy.Iwashappy.
Jacobslow-dancedwithKatrina.Itwasseriouslycute.Icouldn’tstopsmilingattheimageofhimlookingoveratme,hiseyescreasedatthecornersandalittlegirlinatulledressstandingonthetopsofhisshoes.
InadditiontothemanycigarettesI’msureGrandpagot,Joywheeledhimoutherselfandgavehimacigarafterdinner.
AndJane’sdatewasBenny
WhenIfinallycorneredhim,allhedidwasshrugandsay,“Ididn’ttellyou’causeyoujustwouldhavemadeabigdealaboutit.”Yup.
Bennywassmilingtheentirewedding.Hewassmilinglikesomeonewhohadawholelifeaheadofhim.Becausehedid.Inaweekhe’dhaveanewkidney.Anewstart.Hewasseeingsomeonehewasexcitedabout.Hewaslookingforward.IhadtocallhimBenthewholenight
Jacobletmehavehiscake.ItwasfromNadiaCakesanditwasredvelvet—andthenIcaughtthebouquet.EveryonewascheeringandIwaslaughingsohard.Amycameoverandgavemeahug.Jacobwasbeaming.
Itfeltlikeoneofthebestnightsofmylife—likethefirstdayofalltherestofmydays,forsomereason.AnditmademestarttothinkaboutwhatJacobsaidaboutmemarryinghim.
Itwasway,wayearlyforthat.I’dneverwantedtogetremarried.AtleastIthoughtIdidn’t.ButasJacobhadatendencytodo,hemademyNoturnintoaMaybe.
Ididn’thatetheideaofhisfamilybeingmyfamily.OfJoybeingmymother-in-law,andJewelandJaneandJillbeingmysisters.
AndIadoredthethoughtofbeinghiswife.Ofhimintroducinghimselfasmyhusband.Itmademefeelproud.LikemaybewifewasatitleIwantedagainallofasudden.
Somaybe.Just…maybe
Westayeduntiltheverylastsong.
Whenthelightscameonandeveryonestartedtricklingout,JacobtookmyhandandIgrabbedmybouquetandweheadedthroughthehotellobbywithLieutenantDantotheelevators.
Iwasholdingmyshoes.Jacob’stiewasdrapedaroundhisneckandthetoptwobuttonsofhisshirtwereundone.Hehadhissleevesrolledupandhe’dputhisjacketaroundmyshoulders.
Whentheelevatordoorsclosedbehindus,hedrewmeinandkissedme.Hismouthtastedlikethechampagnesend-offtoast.Heranahandundermyassandpulledmeintohim.“Whenwegetbacktotheroom,Iwantyoutositonmyface,”hesaid,hisvoicehusky.
Iwasbreathinghard.“Like,sitonit,sitonit?”
“Sitonit,sitonit.”
“Okay.Ifyoudie,youdie.”
Helaughedanddevouredmeagain.
Iwasgoingtoletthismansnapmeinhalflikeaglowstickwhenwegotuptotheroom.Iwantedtobreakthebed.
I’dhadmoresexinthelastmonththantheentirelasttwoyearsofmymarriage.Onourdaysoffwedidn’tleavetheroomexcepttograbtheDoorDashdeliveryoffthefrontporchandletoutLieutenantDan.WeranoutofcondomssomanytimesthatJacobfinallywenttoCostcotogetthebulkbox.
Theelevatorpingedtwofloorsdownfromours.Westoppedmakingout,andhemovedhishandstomywaistasacourtesyforwhoevergoton,butwewerestillpantingandlookingateachother’slipswhenthedoorsopened.
“Whatdoyouthinkaboutroomservice?”heaskedquietly,rubbinghisnosetomine.
“Yeeeesss.I’mstarving.”Mystomachhadbeengnawingatmeforthelasttwohours.“Ifweordernow,it’llshowuprightwhenwe’redone,”Iwhispered.
Helaughedalittle.Thenwebothnoticedthatthedoorwasstillopenbutnobodyhadgottenon.
Jacobglancedoverfirst.ThenIturnedtoo.Andmybloodrancold.
ItwastheTowerofTerroratDisneyWorldonmytwenty-fifthbirthday.Theelevatordoorsopeningtoshowyousomethingawfulandconfusingbeforeplummetingyoutoyourdeath.
ItwasNickandKelly.
Theystoodfrozen,likedeerinheadlights.Nobodymoved.
Theyweredressedup.Shehadherarmhookedinhis.Nick’sbrownhairwasshorter.Helookedfitterthanbefore.Hewastan.Hehadabandonhisweddingfinger.Kelly’sblondhairwasdownaroundhershoulders.Pinklipstick.Danglygoldearringsthatlookedlikeleaves.Shewaswearinganenormousdiamondweddingring.Shewasglowing.
Andshewaspregnant.
Ifeltinstantlynauseous.LieutenantDanmadeacryingnoiseinthesilence.Timestoodstill.
Nickclearedhisthroat.“Uh,we’lltakethenextone.”
Istoodthereforanotherpainful,paralyzedmoment.Andthenthedoorsclosedinslowmotion.
Thewholethinghadtakenlessthanfifteenseconds.Andthebombwasnuclear.
“Briana?”Jacobsaid,staringatthesideofmyface.
Icouldn’thearhim.Myearswereringing.Mykneeswereweak,myvisionwasgettingdarkaroundtheedges.
AndthenIthrewupalloverhisshoes.Chapter44
Jacob
Areyouokay?”Iasked.
Brianahadherforeheadagainstthetruckwindow.Wewerealmosthome.Shehadn’ttalkedformostoftheride.Orinthehotelroomwhilewepackedupthismorning.Oranytime,really,sincetheencounterintheelevatorlastnight.
Itwasalongmomentbeforesheansweredme.“I’msorryIthrewuponyou,”shesaidagain.
“That’sneverhappenedtomebefore—inmyofficejobasanaccountant.”
Shelaughedalittle,buttherewasnomirthinit.
LieutenantDanwassittingwithhisheadonherlap.He’dbeenwhiningandcryingtogettoherfromthebackseatsobadlyIfinallypulledoverandlethimsitwithher.Samethinglastnight.Ihadtolethimsleeponthebed.
“Wasthatthefirsttimeyou’veseenthemtogether?”Iasked.
Shedidn’treply.Ireachedoverandgrabbedherhand.Shedidn’tsqueezeitback.
Somethingwasoff.
Iunderstoodwhyshewasupset.Runningintoherex-husbandandthewomanhe’dleftherforandseeingthattheyweremarriedandpregnanthadtobejarring.
Buttherewassomethingelsegoingontoo.Shehadn’tlookedmeintheeyesincetheelevatorincident.Anditmadeaknotforminthepitofmystomachandmyanxietyfiretolife.
MaybeIwasworriedaboutsomethingthatwasn’tanythingtobeconcernedabout?Shewasjustinshockandnotfeelingwellandneededsometimetoprocess.
Butshedidn’ttakethebouquetthismorning.She’dbeensohappytocatchitlastnight.She’dsaidshewantedtodryit.Andthenshejustleftitonthehoteldresser.WhenIwenttopickitup,shesaidshedidn’twantit.ItfeltlikesomekindofomenthatIdidn’twanttothinkabouttooclosely.
Wedrovetherestofthewayhomeinsilence.Whenwepulledintothegarage,shegotout.Igrabbedherluggageoutofthetrunk,butshewouldn’tletmetakeitupthestepstothehouseforher.Shejustmumbledthatshehaditandstartedwalking,draggingitwithoutwaitingforme.WhenIcameinafterher,shewasstandinginthelivingroomstaringatthecouch.
“I’llmakeyousomesoup,”Isaid,settingdownmyduffelbag.“Maybewecanwatchamovie?OrSchitt’sCreek?”
Icameupbehindherandhuggedher.Shetensed.Mystomachdropped.
“What’swrong?”Iasked.
Shewriggledslowlyawayfromme,likeshewasshruggingoutofadirtyjacketanddidn’twanttotouchmoreofitthanshehadto.
Sheturnedtolookatmewithbloodshoteyes.“I’mgoinghome.”
Iswallowed.“Okay…”Isaid.“I’llgowithyou.”
“No.”
Myheartwaspickingup.“Allright.Whenwillyoubeback?”
“I’mnevergoingtolivewithyou,Jacob.”
Itwaslikeadaggerthatcameoutofnowhere.
“I’mnevergoingtolivewithyou,andI’mnevergoingtomarryyou.Ifyouwantthat,findsomeoneelse.”
“I…Idon’twantsomeoneelse—”
“Well,maybeyoushould.”Shestaredatmered-eyedanddefiant.Likeitwasmeagainstherallofasudden.
Ishookmyhead.“Whyareyoufightingwithme?”
“I’mnot,”shesaid,hervoiceclipped.“I’mjusttellingyouthewayitis.”
Ilickedmylips.“Look.Whathappenedlastnightwastraumatic.Let’stalkaboutit—”
“No.”
Istudiedherface.
“Briana,”Isaidcarefully.“I’mnotgoingtodotoyouwhathedid.Ifyou’reworriedaboutthat—”
Sheburstintolaughter.Deep,gutturallaughslikeI’dneverheardfromher.
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’llneverdo,”shesaid.“Maybeyou’llgetsickofme.Maybeyou’llmeetsomeoneelseyoucan’tlivewithout.AndthenI’llcomehomeearlyandmyBluetoothwillconnecttoyourphonewhenIpullintothegarageandI’llgettohearmyfriendtellingmyhusbandoftenyearshowmuchsheenjoyedfuckinghimonmynewduvet.”Shecrackedup,likethiswashilarious.
“Oh,”shesaidlikeshejustremembered.“Andthenheleavesmeforher,andwhilethey’reinmyhouse,eatingoffmyplatesandsleepinginmybed,Imiscarryourbaby.Alone.InmyshittychildhoodbedroomwithmyshittySmallvillepostersonthewalls.Whichworkedoutgreatforhimbecausehedidn’twantmybabyanyway.”
Iblinkedather.“I…Ihadnoideathathappenedtoyou—”
“Well,itdid.Andno,youwon’tdothattome,Jacob.BecauseIwon’tletyou.”Shegrabbedthehandleofherluggageandstartedforthedoor.“Idon’tlivehere.Iwanttogohome.Iwantmymom.”
Igrabbedherwrist.“Briana,I’mnothim—”
Sheyankedherarmawayfromme.“Everymanishim!Youareallthefuckingsame!”Hervoicecrackedonthelastword.“Youaren’tuntilyouare.”Herbreathwascomingoutshaky.“Youwon’tlikemeonceyoureallyknowme,oryou’llfindsomeoneelseoryou’llwantsomethingdifferentandthenyou’llleave.Sojustdoitnow.Savemethetrouble.”
Mychestwasrisingandfalling,sheerpanicpulsinginsideme.Ididn’tknowwhattosay.EverythingIsaidwasmakingitworse,andIdidn’tknowwhattodo.
Herfacechangedadozentimesinthelongsecondswelookedateachother.Anger.Hurt.Sadness.Fear.Andthenfinallysomethingsofterandresignedandbroken.
“Ineedtobealonerightnow,Jacob,”shewhispered.“Just…leavemealone.”
Andsheleft.Chapter45
Briana
Momhandedmeahotteaandputahandtomyforehead.“Nofever.Maybejustastomachbug.”Shesatonthebednexttome.
Iheldthemuginmyhandsandstaredbleary-eyedintotheamberliquid.Ifelthollow.Iwashollow.
I’dfacedNickcompletelydefenseless.Theangerthathadshieldedmeallthistimehaddisintegratedwithoutmenoticing,andthenwhenI’dneededit,I’dhadnothingtoprotectme.
Theyweremarriednow.Shewaspregnant.They’dgottentheirlittlehappily-ever-after.
IfI’dhadthebaby,wherewouldIhavebeeninallthis?Thesinglemothertoanewborn?LikeMom?AchildNickhadn’tcaredoneounceaboutandwasprobablyrelievedthatI’dlost?
Thefalloutfromourdivorcestillwasn’tover.Ithadjustevolved.Itwasn’tevenaboutNickanymore.NowitwasacautionarytalefortherelationshipIwasin,becausewhathadIlearned?Whatwasdifferentthistimearound?Iwashead-over-heelsinlove—again.Iwaslivinginahousethatwasn’tmineandcouldbetakenfromme—again.Iwasvulnerableandexposedandblindlytrustingsomeone.
AndIwaspregnant.Again.
Ihadn’tknownituntilthatmomentintheelevator.I’dfeltthattinywaveofnausea,anditwaslikealightbulbwentonandmybrainandbodyrealizeditatthesameexacttime.Andithappenedwhileface-to-facewithNickandKellyandthereminderofhowitturnedoutwheneverIthoughtIwassafewithsomeone.IwasstaringatexactlywhathappenswhenIgiveallofmyselfwithcompleteabandon,whilesimultaneouslyrealizingthatI’djustfuckingdoneitagain.
I’dlearnednothingfromNick.Notathing.
JacobandIweresonew.Ofcoursehelovedmenow.ButwhataboutwhenIwasn’tfun?WhenIwassick,ormoody,orthesextaperedoff,orifIlostthebabybecausemaybeIcouldn’tcarryonetoterminthefirstplace.WouldhewantmeifIcouldn’tgivehimkids?
Thetearscame.
We’dbeencareless.Noteverytime,butenough.IthadtakensolongtogetpregnantwithNickIdidn’tthinkitwouldhappenthiseasily.Itwaslikemypoor,abandonedeggsrealizedthiswastheirlastchanceandtheystormedthegates.
Iputthemugonthenightstandandpulledmylegsupandtuckedmyfaceintomyknees.
Momputahandonmyshoulder.“What’swrong,mija?”
Ibreathedintothefleeceofmypajamas.ItsmelledlikeJacob’slavenderlaundrybeadsandtheorange-scentedlotionI’dputonmylegsafterthebathMommademetakewhenIcamehome.IknewI’dneverbeabletosmelleithereveragainwithoutitsummoningthismoment.
Momstartedtorubmybackanditmademecryharder.
“I’mpregnant,Mamá.”Thewordsekedoutofme.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dspokenthemintotheuniversesincethetimeithappenedwithNick.OnlythistimeIwasn’texcited.Iwasterrified.
“Areyousure?”shewhispered.
Inoddedintomyknees.“ItooktwotestswhenIgothome.I’msure.”
“Howmanyweeks?”sheasked.
Iraisedmyhead,wipingatmycheeks.“Yourpregnancystartsonthefirstdayofyourlastperiod.Sofive,probably.”
“Hedoesn’twantit?”
Ishookmyhead.“Hedoesn’tevenknowyet.”
“Youdidn’tuseprotection?Twodoctors,youdon’tknowhowbabiesaremade?”
Ilaugheddrylyandputmyforeheadintomyhand.
Sheletoutalongbreathandwesatquietlyforamoment.Thenshepeeredoveratme.“He’sagoodman.”
Mychinstartedtoquiver.
“He’dmakeagoodpapá,”shesaid.“Agoodhusband.AndIdon’tsaythataboutverymanymen,mija.”
“I’mnotmarryinghim.”
Shelookedatmeperplexed.“Whynot?Youmightbehavinghisbaby.”Shegesturedtomybelly.“Youdon’twanttobeafamily?”
OfcourseIwantedtobeafamily.Butwhendidthatactuallyworkout?Ithadneverworkedoutforme—notinthefamilyIgrewupinortheoneIthoughtIwasmakingformyselfwhenImarriedNick.Whywouldthistimebedifferent?
Onlyitwasdifferent.Itwasworse
LovingJacobfeltlikefallingup.LiketherewasnothingtostopmesoI’djustkeepgoingforever.AndifIhadn’tseenNickandKellylastnight,maybeIwouldhave.IwouldhavejustcontinuedinthisfuguestateIwasin,blissfullyignorant—becauseJacobhadmademeforgetwhathewas.ButnowIremembered.
Jacobwasaman
Andmendowhatmendo.
Isuddenlyviewedmysweet,docileboyfriendlikeawildanimalraisedincaptivity.Tameanddomesticated—butmightstillbiteoneday,justbecausetheinstinctwasbredintohisgenes.
Therewasn’tenoughrageintheuniversetogetmethroughitifJacobhurtme.Itwouldkillme.Iwouldnevercomebackfromit.
“I’mnevergettingmarriedagain.”Isniffed.“I’mnotdoinganyofit.Idon’tevenknowifIshouldstaywithhim.”
Shepulledherfaceback.“What?Whatdoyoumeanyou’renotgoingtostaywithhim?Oye,estássiendoridícula!”
“Mamá,juststop.”
“Pregnant,withaperfectlygoodmanwholovesyou—doyouthinkbeingasingleparentisfun?Youdon’trememberhowitwas?”
“Ican’t,Mamá.”
“Why?”
“Becauseitwillhurttoomuchwhenheleaves!”Isnapped.
Shewentsilent.
“Ican’tdoitagain,”Isaid,myvoicewavering.“Ican’t.Especiallynow.Youdon’tthinkIwantto?ThatIdon’twishtheideaofbeingpregnantandshackedupwithamanI’minlovewithdidn’tscaretheabsoluteshitoutofme?Idon’tevenknowwhattofeelrightnow.Idon’t.Idon’tevenknowifthere’sgoingtobeababyinaweek.Andifthereis,Idon’tknowthatIcangiveherthechildhoodIhad.It’sbetterthisway,sowhenheleaves,itdoesn’tbreakher—”IcrackedonthelastwordandIburiedmyfaceinmyhands.
Ifeltlikeashort-circuitingtoy.Sparkspoppingandwiresfrayed.I’dbeenfine.Afullyfunctional,happyhumanbeing.AndthenallatonceIwasn’t.
Ijustsatthereandcried.MysobbingwassoloudIwasgladBennyhadalifenowandhewasn’thometohearit.
Ahandsqueezedmyshoulder,andafterafewminutes,Istartedtosettledown.
Momhandedmeawadoftissues.“I’msorry,”shesaid,softernow.“Ineverknewitaffectedyoulikethat.Ialwaysthoughtitwasmeandyou,andwedidokay.”
Itookafewdeep,steadyingbreaths.“Wedid.Wediddookay.That’stheonlywayIknowhowtobeokay.Onmyown.WhereIdon’thavetotrustanyonetobethere.”
Mompausedforalongbeat.“Briana…Iknowyourdadwasn’tagoodmanandNickwasn’tagoodman.AndmaybeItaughtyouthatnoneofthemareandthat’smyfault.Ijustwantedyoutoprotectyourself,nottobeafraidoflovingagain.Idid.IfoundGil.I’mhappy.It’sthegreatestrevengetobehappy.Tohaveagoodlife.Sohaveone.Withhim.”
Itookadeepbreath.Thenanother.Ilookedupatmymotherwithweteyes.“Ilovethequietgentlelifeofthatquietgentleman,”Isaid.“Iwanttobebraveenoughtolovehimwithmyeyesclosed.Ijustdon’tthinkIcan.”
IwishedIcould.OrIwishedIlovedhimless.Becausethenthestakeswouldn’tbesohigh.Therewouldn’tbeasfartofallifheletmedown—whenheletmedown.AndIwasalreadysofargone.
Jacobhadmanagedtoslipmeintohislife,sogently,soseamlessly,thatIdidn’tevenrealizehowmuchofmyselfI’dalreadysurrendereduntilIstoodinhishousethismorning,suddenlyfullyawake.
WhenIwaslookingaroundhislivingroom,itwaslikeI’dblackedoutthreemonthsagoandwokeuppregnantandacommon-lawwifetoamanI’djustmet.Thatwastherealityofthis.I’djustmethim.Wehadn’tevengonethroughafullseasonyettogether,andIwaslivingwithhimandexpectinghisdamnbaby.
IfIdidn’tknowNickaftertwelveyears,howcouldIpossiblyknowJacobafterjustafewmonths?Andnomatterhowwellyouknowsomeone,orforhowlong,youcanneverbeintheirhead.Youcanneverknowwhatthey’rereallythinking.Evenifitfeelsperfect,eveniftheyfeelperfect—perfectisn’tactuallyperfect.
There’salwaysthechanceofrejection.
MyheartwantedtobelievethatmaybeJacobwasdifferent.Maybeweweresoulmates,andthat’swhyithadallhappenedsofastandsoeasily.ButmybrainscreamedthatIwasjuststupid—makingimpulsive,irresponsibledecisionswithastranger.Anditwasonethingtodothiswhenonlymyheartwasontheline.Butitwassomethingelsetodothistoachild.
IhadnodoubtJacobwouldbeawonderfuldaddy.He’dalwayswantourbaby.Butheprobablywouldn’talwayswantme.AndIdidn’twantmykidtohavetoseemecrumbleintoamillionpieceswhenthattimecame.Watchusseparateoneday,himpackinghisbagsandmovingoutthewayI’dwatchedmydaddydoonce.
Ihadtomakechoicesnowtoprotectherlater.
Iblinkedintotheroom,staringthroughtearsatthedarkspotsonthewallswherepostersusedtobe.
Icouldn’texplaintheintense,panickedflightresponseIwasfeeling.Theneedtorun.Pushhimawaybeforehehurtme,likealltheotherimportantmeninmylifehad.Getmyselftosafetybeforeitwastoolate,insulatemyselfbeforehistoryrepeateditself.
Iputmyfacetomykneesagain.
IwasdesperateforhimtotellmeIhadn’tmadeahorriblemistake.IwantedJacobtomakemeallthepromisesandtellmeitwasgoingtobeokay,thatIwassafeandlovedandhewantedthisandhewantedme.Iwantedhimtotellmeweweredifferent,andIwishedtoGodthatIwasthekindofundamagedpersonwhocouldbelievesomethinglikethat.
ButIwasn’t.AndIprobablyneverwouldbe.Chapter46
Jacob
BrianacalledoutofworkonMondayandthedayafter.Thosewerethelasttwoshiftswehaduntilthetimeoffforthesurgery.
Shehadcalledmethenightsheleft.She’dapologizedintearsforsnappingatmeandtoldmeshejustneededsomespace.She’daskedifIcouldcomeoveronWednesdaytotalk.AndsoIwaitedforWednesday.ThatwasallIcoulddo.
Thischangeinherfeltdeeperthanjusttheshockofseeingherexwithhisnewwife.Therewassomethingelsegoingon,andIcouldn’tfigureoutwhatitwas.
Imissedhersomuch.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Iwaslivingsomewherebetweenanxietyandadullpanicattack,constantly.Myheartfeltlikeitwasgraspingaroundinthedark,searchingforhersbecauseitusedtobethereandnowitwasn’t.
Icouldn’tsleepwithouther.Ilayinbedatnight,mymindracing.I’dpouredmyselfintomyjournalbecausemyfeelingshadnowhereelsetogo.
Nothingwasokay.Nothing.
WhenWednesdaymercifullyrolledaround,Ihadtogetbloodworkdonebeforegoingtoseeher.Thetransplantwasthedayaftertomorrow.I’dbedrivingdowntotheMayoClinicatfivea.m.onFridaytobecheckedinforpre-opatseven.
Ipickedupsomepitabreadandsoupshelikedandheadedovertoherhouse.RosaletinLieutenantDanandme.ShehuggedmeandlookedaboutasworriedasIfelt.
“I’mgladshe’sseeingyou,”shesaid,hervoicelow.
“Rosa,what’swrong?”Iaskedquietly.“She’snottalkingtome.Idon’tknowwhatIdid.”
Shelookedsorryforme.“Youdidn’tdoanything.Justtellheryouloveher.Okay?Makesuresheknows.”
IstudiedherfacelikeImightbeabletogleanmoreinformationfromit.Buttheolderwomanjustpattedmeontheshoulderandsentmedownthehallway.
WhenIcameuptotheroomandsawBriana,Iwantedtoruntoherthewaymydogdid.TheurgewassostrongIhadtoputahandonthedoorframetokeepfromsprintingthedistancebetweenus.
Shewassittingupinbed,wearingabaggyT-shirt.Herlonghairwasinabraid.Shewaspale,andeventhoughshewassmilingandpettingLieutenantDan,shelookedsad.IsetthefoodIbroughtonthedresserandcamearoundthebed,satdown,andgatheredherintome.ShesurrenderedlikeshewasjustasrelievedasIwastohaveherinmyarms
“Imissedyou,”Ibreathedintoherhair.
Itwasalongmoment,butshesaiditback.Ihadtosqueezemyeyesshuttokeepmyselffromcryingfromtherelief.
Iclimbedintothebedandpulledherdownontomychestandjusthuggedher.ShestartedweepingsoftlyandIkissedthetopofherheadandsmoothedherhair.“Whatisit?”Iwhispered.“Tellmewhat’swrong.”
Whenshefinallydid,shediditwithhercheekpressedtomyheart.“I’mpregnant,Jacob.”
Ifroze.“You’repregnant?”
Ipulledawaytolookather.“Briana,that’s…that’swonderful,”Isaid,beaming.“That’s…”
Butshewasn’tsmiling.Herchinquivered.“Idon’tknowifIcancarryit.Icouldn’tcarrythelastone.”
Inoddedandtookherhandsintomine.“Okay.That’sokay.That’snotyourfaultifthathappens.We’lldealwiththatifitdoes.Comehome.ComehomeandI’lltakecareofyou.”
Sheletoutashakybreath.“Jacob,Ican’tlivewithyou.Imeantthat.ImeanteverythingIsaidthatday.Ishouldn’thavesaiditthewaythatIdid,butIdidmeanit.”
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’t…Idon’tunderstand.”
Shepressedherlipstogetherlikeshewastryingnottocry.“I’mnotsureI’minanyplacetobeinarelationship.”
Mystomachbottomedout.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
Shedidn’tanswerme.
Ilickedmylips.“Look,Iknowyouhadahardtimeinyourlastmarriage.Itwon’tbelikethatwithus.Iloveyou.Please.Comehome.Orletmebehere—”
“No.Ican’t.I’vethoughtaboutthisalotoverthelasttwodays.”Shelookedawayfromme.“Jacob,Idon’tknowhowtobeall-inanymore.”Hereyescamebacktomine.“Idon’tthinkI’mcapableofit.Oranyofthethingsthatentails.Especiallynow.Ican’tbethecarefree,throw-caution-to-the-windpersonIwasbeforeNick.Ican’tpretendlikeIdon’tknowhowthesethingsend—”
“It’snotgoingtoend.Whywoulditend?”
Hereyeslookedsosad.
“Youareperfect,Jacob.ButIamnot.Youwon’talwayswantmeandI’llalwaysbebracedforit.I’llneverrelax.I’llbewaitingfortheshoetodrop.I’llneverfeelsecure.I’llneverreallytrustyou.I’lljustpushyouawayandI’llbemiserableandI’llmakeyoumiserable.”
“I’mmiserablewithoutyou,”Isaid.“That’swhatmakesmemiserable.”Iswallowed.“Look,Iunderstandwhatyou’vebeenthrough.Ido.Andwedidn’tplanallthistohappenthisfast.It’sunexpectedandit’sscaryforyou.Igetthat.Wecanslowdown.Wecantakealittlebreakifyouneedit.Icangiveyouspace,butIwillneverleaveyou,Briana.Doyouhearme?Never.Everysinglethingthatmatterstomeinthisworldisinthisbed.Iloveyou.”
Isqueezedherhandsasshesatthere,lookingatthembetweenus.Herchinstartedtoshake.
Please…believeme.
“Jacob…it’sjustbest—”
“Don’tdoanything.Please.Justwait.Don’tmakeanybigdecisionsrightnow.”
“Waitforwhat,Jacob?”shesaidquietly.Sheraisedhereyestomine.“Whatwillchange?”Thewayshesaiditmademyheartcrackrightdownthemiddle.
“Maybeyouwill,”Isaid.“Maybeyourmindwillcatchupwithyourheart.”
“Idon’ttrustmyheart.That’stheproblem.”
LieutenantDannudgedhisnoseunderherarmandshestartedcryingsoftlyagain.IwantedtocarryheroffandputherwhereIcouldkeephersafe,packlovearoundherandinsulateherfromwhateverwaserodingher.
ButIcouldn’tdothat,soIjustheldherinstead.Ifoldedmyarmsaroundher,andsheclutchedmyshirtlikeshewasafraidIwouldvanish.Butshewastheonewhowasgoingtovanish,notme.
Ifeltpanicked.Ididn’tknowhowtoloveherbetterthanIalreadydid.HowtoshowherIwasn’tlikeherexorherfather.Shehadallofme—therewasnothingelseIcouldgiveher—andifthatwasn’tenoughtoconvinceher,whatelsecouldIdo?
Westayedholdingeachotherforafewminutes.Whenshefinallystoppedcrying,shespokeagainstmychest.
“I’msorry,Jacob.”Shesniffed.
“Sorryforwhat?”Isaidgently.
Shewentsilentforalongmoment.“I’mbroken.”Thehopelesswayshesaiditmadetearspinchfrommyeyes.
“We’reallalittlebroken,Briana.Weareamosaic.We’remadeupofallthosewe’vemetandallthethingswe’vebeenthrough.Therearepartsofusthatarecolorfulanddarkandjaggedandbeautiful.AndIloveeverypieceofyou.Eventheonesyouwishdidn’texist.”
Ipulledawaytolookherintheeye.“Whatdoyouneed?Tellmewhattodo.WhatcanIdotofixthis?”
Shewasquiet.“Youcan’tgivemewhatIneed.”
“Tryme.”
Shesearchedmyface.“Ineedtobeabletoseeintoyoursoul.”
Ishookmyhead.“Iloveyou.Youknowthat.”
ButIcouldseeinhereyesthatshedidn’tbelieveme.
Shedidn’tlookatmeagainafterthat.Butsheletmeholdherandsheletmestay.Thatwasatleastsomething.
AhalfanhourlaterIbroughtthesouptoherinbed.Shedidn’teatmuchofit.Shewasdistantandwithdrawn,andmyanxietypulsedandclawedaround
Thesurgerywasthedayaftertomorrow,andknowingIwasabouttobehelplesswhenshemightneedmemademefeelpanicked.Ididn’twanttobelaidupinahospitalforaweekandnotabletogettoher.Ifshelostthebaby,Iwouldn’tbeabletobethere.Ididn’twantnottobeabletocarryhertobed,ordrivetoherhouseifshedecidedshewantedtoseeme,ornottobeabletotakecareofherforthenexttwoweeksbecauseI’dbepost-op.
ButtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutanyofit.
Whenshefellasleepcurledintome,Ifellasleeptoo.ForthefirsttimeindaysIcouldclosemyeyeswithoutmybrainracingbecauseitwaswonderingwhyshewasn’twithme.Ididn’tevenknowhowexhaustedIwasuntilthemomentthatmybodyfinallyletgo.
There’saspecialpeaceinsleepingnexttosomeoneyoulove.Whenyouslipintothedarkholdingthemandwakeupandthey’restillthereandyouknowthateverythingthatmattersisjustopeningyoureyesaway.
WhenIfeltherhandswanderingmybody,thelightwasnolongercominginthroughthecurtains.Ididn’tknowwhattimeitwas.Idon’tthinkshewasreallyawakeandneitherwasI,butIslippedahandunderhershirtandsheslidonedownthefrontofmypantsanditwasdreamlikeandsomewherebetweenawakeandasleepanditfeltgoodtotouchherandforhertotouchme.Tohavesomeproofthatshestillwantedme,evenifitwasjustthis.
Wedidn’ttalk.Talkingwouldhaveendedit.Wejustkissedandtookoffeachother’sclothesandmadeloveinthedark.Butshefeltlikeaghost,goingthroughthemotionsofthethingssheusedtodowhileshewasalive.
WhenIwokeupagain,itwasmorning.Andthensheaskedmetoleave.
Ididn’twanttogo.Butforcingmycompanyonawomanwhowasn’tsuresheevenwantedmearoundwouldonlymakethingsworse.SoIleft.
Rosasaidgood-byetomeonthewayoutlikeitwasanapology.ThenshehandedmeacasamientoandeggsandwichwrappedinapapertowelandtoldmeIneededtoeat.IleftholdingthatandfeelingmoredespondentthanwhenIgothere.
IdidwhatIcouldtostaycenteredfortherestoftheday.Ijournaled.Wateredmyplantsandpackedmyhospitalbag.Forcedmyselftoeat.GotthehousereadyformetobegonefortwoweekssinceI’dberecoveringatmyparents’.IcouldseethatBrianawasn’tinanyplacetotakecareofmewhileIrecovered,andIdidn’twanttoburdenherwithit.IwenttodropoffLieutenantDanwithMom.WhenIcameintothehouse,Ifoundherinthelivingroom,reading,amomentafterLieutenantDanfoundher.
Shesmiledupatmeovermyexciteddog.“Jacob.Areyouready?It’sthebigdaytomorrow.”Sheclosedherbook.“Areyousureyoudon’twantmetocome?”
Idroppedonthecouchnexttoher.“Don’tcome.I’llbehomeinaweekandyou’llbespendingplentyoftimewithmethen.Ineedtostayhereafterthesurgery.”
Shelookedconfused.“You’rerecoveringhere?IsBrianatakingcareofBenny?IthoughtRosawasdoingit.”
“Sheis.”
“Iseverythingokay?”sheasked.
Irubbedmyforehead.“No,”Isaid
Shesetherbookdownonthecoffeetableandwaited.AndItoldherabouteverythingexceptthefakedating—howBrianachangedaftershesawKellyandNick,whatNickdidtoher,thatshe’dlostababylastyear.Thatshesaidshe’dnevermarrymeorlivewithme,thatshewasdistantanddespondent.
Andpregnant.
Momsatandshelistened.WhenIwasdone,sheletoutalongexhale.“Howdoyoufeelaboutthepregnancy?”
Ileanedforwardwithmyelbowsonmyknees,staringintothecoldfireplace.“Happy.Excited.Wishingshewasexcitedtoo.Butshe’snot.”Ilookedather.“WhatdoIdo,Mom?Ithinkshe’sgoingtoleaveme.”
“Jacob,she’straumatized.”
Istaredather.
“She’sinthefirstseriousrelationshipsinceherdivorce,shehasanunplannedpregnancy,andherlastpregnancyendedinatraumaticmiscarriagethatshewentthroughalone.Shecomesfromabrokenfamilywhereshewasabandonedbyherownfatherwhilehermotherwasexpecting.She’sterrifiedandshe’stryingtoprotectherself—andshemightbesoscaredthatshe’swillingtosabotagetherelationshipsothatitends.”
Ishookmyheadather.“Why?”
“She’dratherthingsendonhertermsthanhavetherugpulledoutfromunderheragain.It’stheonlywayshecanfeelincontroloftheoutcome.Itisaverycommontraumaresponse,Jacob.”
“But…butIwouldneverdothattoher,”Isaid.“Never.”
Shelookedatmegently.“Iknow,sweetheart.Butsometimesthehardestthingisn’ttrustingthenextperson.It’strustingyourself.Shedoesn’ttrustherselftochoosewell.Givenherhistorywithimportantmeninherlife,shemayevenfeelthatseveringherrelationshipwithherchild’sfatherisinthebestinterestofthechild.Noneofthefathersinherlifehaveeverstayed,Jacob.SeeingNickmovedonwithhisnewpregnantwifemusthavebeenincrediblydifficult,giventhecircumstances.HadBriananotlostthatpregnancy,thatmanwouldhavebeenthefatherofherbaby.Anditwasclearhedidn’twantBrianaorthebabyhealmostmadewithher.Whywouldyoubedifferent?Whywouldyoubetheonewhosticksaround?”
Shedippedherheadtolookatme.“Hasshehadanytherapy?Talkedwithanyone?”
Isatbackagainstthesofaanddraggedahanddownmymouth.“Idon’tknow.Shedoesn’thaveatherapistnow,Iknowthat.Idon’tknowwhatshedidbackthen.”
Momnodded.“Well,ifIhadtoguess,knowingwhatIknowofBriana,sheprobablydidn’t.She’stough.Self-reliant.She’dtrytomusclethroughit.Butifyoudon’tdealwithtrauma,itjustcirclesbackaround.She’sprobablydepressed.Anddepressionlies,Jacob.Nothingit’stellingheristrue,butshecan’tknowthatinherstatewithouthelp.”
Ilookedherintheeye.“SowhatdoIdo?”
“Youknowwhattodo.It’swhatyoudidwithhim.”Shenoddedatthedogsleepingatmyfeet.“Youmoveslowly.Beconsistent.Giveherreassurance.Makeherfeellovedandsafe.Showup.Don’tgiveuponherandmakesuresheknowsyouneverwill.Andtrytogetherintotherapy.”
Iblewabreaththroughmynoseandnodded.“Okay.”
“Shemustloveyouverymuch,”shesaid.
“NotasmuchasIloveher.Idon’teventhinkit’spossiblethatshecould,”Isaidquietly.“She’sit,Mom.”Ilookedather.“IthinkIknewitthemomentIlaideyesonher.”Ilaughedalittle.“Eventhoughshewastellingmeoff.”
Shesmiledgentlyatmeandputahandonmine.“Iwantyoutoknowthatwatchingtwocompletestrangersfallinlovehasbeenoneofthegreatestgiftsofmylife.”
Istilled.“Whatdoyoumean?”
Shegrinnedruefully.“Comeon,Jacob.It’smyjobtoknowwhenitisn’treal.Andalsowhenitis.”Chapter47
Briana
Itwassurgeryday.MomandIcamedownlastnightandgotBennyadmitted.JacobwasdrivingdownwithZander.
Iateadrybagelfromthehotel’sbreakfastbuffet,hadadecafcoffee,andmanagedtokeepboththingsdown.IrealizedifIneverletmystomachgetemptyIwaslessnauseous,soItookaboxofCheerioswithmeandateafewatatimeeverycoupleofminuteslikeIwasfeedingafire.
Itriednottothinkofadaptingtothispregnancy.Ididn’tknowwhetheritwasalong-termsituation.Ididn’tknowifI’dbecarryingaroundboxesofCheeriosinaweek.Iwasjustdealingandnotallowingmyselftothinkbeyondonedayatatime.Oneminute.Onesecond.
Whenwegottothehospital,Momrandowntothecafeteriatogetmesometea.IheadedtothesurgicalwaitingroomandfoundAlexissittinginoneofthegraychairs.Ipracticallyfellintomybestfriend’sarms.“Thankyouforcoming.”
I’dtoldhereverythinglastnightonthephone,sittingaloneinthehotelparkinglotinthecarwhileMomwassleeping.AlexiswasplanningoncomingandvisitingafterBennyandJacobwereinrecovery,butafterwetalked,she’dchangedherplansanddrovedownthismorninginstead.
“Zanderwasjusthere,”shesaidovermyshoulder.“Hewenttogotalktothesurgeon.Jacob’salreadycheckedin.”
JusthearingthatJacobwasclosemadethefloodgatesopenagain.Idroppedintoachairandburiedmyfaceinmyhands.
Ifeltlikeasponge.Icouldn’tstopcrying.Andeverylittlethingjustwrungmeout.IknewIwasn’tinmyrightmind.Iwasbarelyhangingon,andnothingwasmakingitbetter.
Ididn’tcarethatBennywasgettinghistransplanttoday.Ididn’tcarethatIwasstillpregnantandholding,almostsixweeksin,orthatJacobseemedtostillloveme—fornow.Nomatterhowmanygoodthingswerehappeningaroundme,thisfearjustswallowedmeandheldmeinitsdarkbelly.Everythingfelthopeless.AndIdidn’tknowhownottofeellikethat.
IfeltAlexissitnexttome.“Areyoustillthinkingaboutbreakingupwithhim?”sheaskedsoftly.
Isniffedandnoddedintomyhands.
“Oh,Briana.”
“Iknow.”
ItwasallIcouldsay.
“It’snormaltobescared,”shesaidgently.“You’vebeenhurt,it’shardtofeelsafeagain.Thisisjusttheflinch.”
Iwipedundermyeyeswiththetopofmyshirt.“Maybetheflinchistheonlythingthatkeepsyoufromgettinghurtagain.”
“Maybetheflinchistheonlythingthatkeepsyoufrombeinghappy.”
Ilookedatherandsheheldmygazesteadily.“Bri,youarethebravestwomanIknow.Sobebrave.”
Mychinquivered.
Shereachedoverandpulledsometissuesfromaboxandputtheminmyhands.“Hereallylovesyou.IcouldtellbeforeIevenmethim.Icouldtellbythewayyoutalkedabouthimthathedid.EvenDanielsawit.”
IclutchedtheKleenexinmylapforalongmoment,juststaringatthetranslucentspotsmytearsmadeonthetissuesastheyfell.
“Ihavetogo,”Isaid,myvoiceweak.“Ihavetogoseehimbeforetheytakehimin.”
IralliedwhatlittleofmystrengthIhadleftandstood.
Alexislookedupatmefromherseat.“Bri?Whenhetellsyouhelovesyou,believeit.Bebraveandbelieveit.”
Itookadeepbreathandgaveheranod,eventhoughIknewIwouldn’t.
IwanderedthehallsuntilIfoundhisroom.Jacob’sfacelitupthesecondhesawme.Itmademefeelguiltyandhorribleandexhausted.
Hewasinahospitalgownwithablanketoverhislap.Hishandsomefacewastiredandmaybealittleanxious.Butmostlyitwassearching.LikehewashopingtoseesomethingonmyfacethatIknowhedidn’tsee.
IsatonthechairnexttohisbedwhiletheyfinishedputtinginhisIV.ItwasoneofthosequietmomentswhereIusedtothinkwewereagreeingtobeharmlesstoeachother.OnlyIwasn’tbeingharmlesstohim.AndIdidn’ttrusthewouldn’tbeharmlesstome.
Whenthenursefinishedupandfinallyleftusalone,heheldouthispalm.IscootedasclosetohisbedasIcould.Itookhiswarmhand,andhethreadedhisfingersinmineandsqueezed.HeleanedoverandkissedthetopofmyheadandIhadtopinchmyeyesshut.
“Howareyou?”hewhispered.
“Better,”Ilied.
Ilookedupathim.Hisgentlebrowneyes.Thefacethatoncemademeforgettobecautiousandafraid.
Iwantedtogobacktothattime.Beblissfullyoblivious.
Icouldn’tgoback.
“Howareyoufeeling?”Iasked,forcingconversation.“Areyounervous?”
Heheldmygaze.“I’mnotscaredofwhat’sgoingtohappeninthere.I’mscaredyouwon’tbetherewhenIcomeout.”
MychintrembledandIhadtolookawayfromhim.
“Iloveyou,”hesaid.
Tearswelledinthecornersofmyeyes.
“Youknow,loveshowsup,Briana.Andevenifyoukeepmeawayfromyou,myheartwillstillbewhereyouare.Sojustletmebewhereyouare.”
Iwascryingagain.“Iloveyoutoo,”Isaid.“Ireallydo.”
Iputmyheadonhisbedandheputahandonmyhairandwejustsatthereinsilence.AndIgotthefeelinghewashappyhewasevengettingthis.
Anursepulledbackthecurtain.“Allright,it’stimetogo.Areweready?”
Jacobnodded,buthenevertookhiseyesfromme.Theybegantowheelhimout,andIgotuptowalknexttothebed.Iheldhishanduntilwegottothedoubledoorsofthestaff-onlyarea.Ileaneddownandkissedhimwithtightlips,tryingnottocry.
MaybeJacobandIwouldend,rightonschedule.Justlikewe’dalwaysplanned.Onlynowitwasn’tfake.Nowitwastooreal.
“Ihavesomethingforyou,”hesaid.Hegavemeaflatpackagewrappedinbrownpaperthathehadstashedundertheblanket.
Iwipedundermyeyes.“Whatisthis?”
“It’ssomethingIwantyoutohave.Imarkedwhereyoushouldstart,butyoucanreadanythingyouwant.”
“Yougotmeabook?”
“It’sastory,yes.”
Isniffed.“Okay.”Ituckeditundermyarm.
“Ifyoustartnow,you’llbedonebythetimeIgetout.”Heputahandontopofmine,whichwasclutchingtherailofhisgurney.“Iloveyou,”hesaid.“I’malwaysgoingtoloveyou.Nomatterwhat.”
Thentheywheeledhimthroughthedoors,andhewasgone.
Ididn’twanttogositwithmymomandZanderandAlexisinthewaitingroom.Ineededaminutealone.SoIfollowedsignsforthehospitalchapelandtookaseatinapew.
Itwassereneandquiet.Therewasalargebluestained-glasswindowoverasmallaltar.Flowers.Nobodyelsewasintheroom,whichwasgoodbecauseIwasprobablygoingtocryheresinceIcouldn’tseemtostop.
IsetthepackageJacobgavemeonmylapandstaredatitblankly.
Ithadabrownhempstringaroundit.Itooktheendintwofingersandpulledandpriedthepaperoff.Itwasanotebook.
Itwasajournal.
Hisjournal.
“OhmyGod…”Iwhispered,pickingitup.
Itwashisdiary.Why?
Iranafingeroverthebrownleather.Ithadhisinitialspressedintothecover.Theleatherwassoftfromhandlingandthewholethingfeltalmostwarminmyhand,likethehourshespentwithitabsorbedhim.
IopenedittothepagewithagreenPost-itstickingout.Itsaid,ThisisthedayImetyou.Starthere.
Hewantedmetoreadhisdiary.
Iwasbreathless.
Icouldn’treadthis.Itfeltlikeaviolation.Thesewerehismostprivatethoughtsinhere,thiswasmoreinvasivethanlookingathissearchhistory,Icouldn’t.
Buthewantedmeto.Icouldn’tgivehimmuchrightnow.Icouldn’tmakehimpromisesorevenpromisethatonedayIcould.ButatleastthisIcoulddo.SoIopenedittothepagehemarked,steadiedmyself,andstartedtoread.
Itwasalovestory.Ourlovestory.
Thedayhemetmeandthefirsttimehelaideyesonme.
…Shewassobeautifulitcaughtmebysurprise.Ijuststoodthere,IforgotwhatIwasevendoing…
HewroteabouthowshockedhewaswhenItoldhimtobringcupcakesandhowgratefulhefelt.ThewayhismoodliftedwhenIrepliedtohisfirstletter.ThenarecapofeveryletterIwrotehimandhowtheymadehimfeel.Howhecherishedeverysingleoneandhehadthemsavedinaspecialdrawerinhisdesk.
ThetimeIDM’dhimonInstagramandthentalkingtomeonapatiointherain—Hesatintherain?Justtotalktome?He’dbeeneatenalivebymosquitoes.Irememberedthat,seeingallthebitesonhisarms.Hedidn’ttellme.
Ilaughedwhenhetalkedabouthowhe’dobsessedforhoursaboutwhattoeatinthesupplyclosetwithme.ThenitwasthemomenthedecidedtodonatehiskidneytoBenny,andhowhediditforme.NotJoy.NotBenny.Forme
…SeeinghersohappywhensheheardthenewsmadeeverythingI’llgothroughworthitforthatonemomentalone…
HewroteabouthowhisheartracedeverytimehesawmeacrosstheERoreverytimeItouchedhim,howharditwastopretendhewasn’tfallinginlovewithme.
…Ifeelmyhearttwistingaroundherinawaythatiscompletelyoutofmycontrolandcanneverbeundone.Ican’tputitawayandIcan’tunknowitandIcan’tslowitdown.Idon’tevenwantto…
Thenaskingmeoutandmesayingnoandhowcrushedhewas,buthedidn’twanttogiveup,sohefollowedmetoWakan.
…Ihadtogo.Ididn’tcarethatitwasoutsideofmycomfortzoneorthatevenaskingifIcouldbetherewithherwasinappropriate,becauseanydayI’mnotwithherisjustwastedtime.AndI’llalreadynevergetallthetimeIwant…
Thenthemomentherealizedhewasinlovewithme.IwaspassedoutdrunkandhewasholdingmeinfrontofthefireplaceatGrantHouse.Hesaidhisbackhurtforaweekfromleaningonthathopechest,buthegottoholdmesoitwasworthit.
…It’sfunnytothinkthatevensittingthereonthefloorwithher,uncomfortableandtired,wasbetterthansittinganywhereelseintheworldwithouther.Ididn’tevenwanttogotosleepbecauseI’dratherbeawakeandwiththewomanIlovethanriskbeingaloneinmydreams…
Thenthenextdaywewereonthephonewiththesilencestretchingbetweenus.He’dstayedonthelinebecausehecouldn’tstandtobetheonetodisconnect.Ithoughthe’dbeentheonewho’dforgottentohangup.Buthehadn’t.Hejustdidn’twanttoletmego.
…Istayed,justlistening.IsattherethinkingthatIwasluckytostillbewithherinthesilence.AndIrealizedthatthisiswhattruelovefeelslike.Clingingeventothestolenmomentsyou’renotsupposedtohave…
Hewroteaboutlovingwhenmyperfumewasonhisclothes,somerandomtimethatIkissedhimonthecheekanditwaseverything.Howharditwastonotbeabletotouchme.Howmuchhelikedmakingmesmile.Howhe’dsearchforlittlethingstogetortodoforme.
…IsentBrianaflowerstoday.Ialwaysbringherthingsjustbecause.Butnothingwithherisjustbecause.Thereareathousandreasonsineverysecondofeveryday…
HatingeverytimeItextedLevi.Therewasalongentryfromthemorningofthebachelorpartywhenhecouldn’tsleepbecausehewassoworriedIwantedsomeoneelse.Thenanotherlongentryfromlaterthatnightafterthefutoninthebasement.Hisconfusionandfearandhurt.Itwaslikebeingtherewithhim,seeingitthroughhiseyes,feelingeverythinghefelt.
Andthenweweretogether.
Andhewasso,sohappy.Hehadlesstimetowritebecausehewasspendingsomuchtimewithme.
…IthoughtI’dbeeninlovebefore.I’dcalleditlove,I’dbelieveditwaslove.ButBrianaisthelesson.She’stheonewhotaughtmewhatitreallyfeelsliketoliveforsomeoneelse…
ThenIsawNickandKelly.
JacobwrotepagesandpagesabouthowhefeltwhenIwouldn’ttalktohim.Howafraidhewasthathewaslosingme.HowhewoulddoanythingtobringmebackandhisheartwasbreakingbecauseIwassosadandhemissedmesomuchandhefelthelpless.
…Whensheghostsme,shehauntsme.IcanstillfeelherallaroundmeonlyIcan’tseeherortouchherandIknow,withoutashadowofadoubt,thatIcan’tgotherestofmylifelikethis.Thisisn’tliving.Nothingisanythingwithouther…
Thispartwashardtoread.Iputthejournalfacedownonmythigh.Ittookmeaminutetoregainmycomposure.WhenIdid,Ipickedupthediary,wipingundermyeyes.
AndnowhewasatmyhouseandIwastellinghimaboutthebaby.Hewashappy.
Ismiledthroughtears.
Hewasworriedaboutmeandthepregnancy,buthesaidhe’dlovemeandbewithmenomatterwhat.He’dGoogledcribsandstrollersandabodypillowforme,andhe’dorderedlollipopsonAmazonthatweresupposedtohelpwithnausea.Itmademelaugh-cry.Hewasexcited.Hewantedtotakecareofme.
Hewasn’tlikeNick.Hedidn’twishthebabywouldgoaway.Hewantedme.Hewantedus
BythetimeIgottohislastentry,hourshadpassedandtearswerestreamingdownmyface.Ifoundanenvelopethereandopeneditwithshakinghands.
DearestBriana,
Iknowyou’rescared.Youhaveeveryrighttobe.Butsomeday,decadesfromnow,whenourgrandchildrenaregrownandourhairisgray,andwe’vespentalifetimebeingharmlesstoeachother,you’regoingtofindthisletteryellowedandwrinkled,forgotteninashoebox.You’llreaditandyou’llrememberhowfrightenedandunsureyouwereonce.Howafraidyouweretogiveyourselftosomeone,howharditwastotrustagain—andyou’llsmile.BecauseI’llstillbethere.Andwewillstillbeinlove.
Yourstruly,
Jacob
Icompletelylostit.Isetdowntheletterandsobbedintomyhands.
Heletmelookintohissoul.Andtheonlythingintherewasus
IknewrightthenandtherethatIwasgoingtofallup.
Ihadtoletgoofanygrasponmyoldlife,onmyoldinsecuritiesorfearsorscars,orIwasgoingtomissoutonthebestthingthat’severhappenedtome.
Him.
MaybeIwasn’tready.Imightnevertrulybeready.ButIwasgoingtodoitanyway.
Iwasgoingtobebrave.Chapter48
Jacob
IcameoutoftheanesthesialikeIwascomingoutofadreamIcouldn’tremember.Awakeandthenoutagain.Beepingmachinesinthefog.Thefeelingofabedbeingrolledfromoneroomtoanother.Muffledtalking.Lightsinahallway.AvoiceIknew,oneIdidn’t.TheoneIknewIcouldn’tplace,butIfeltcalmhearingit,andIknewsomeonewholovedmewasintheroom.ThenIdriftedoutagain.ThenIwasawakeandalittlemoreawake,andshewasthere,holdingmyhand.Ilookedatheruntilmyeyesfocused.
“Heeeeeeey.It’syou…”
Shesmiled.Itwasdifferentnow.Brighter.
SheleaneddownandpressedalongkisstomyfaceandIcouldn’treallyrememberwhythiswasabigdeal,butIknewitwas.
“You’resopretty…”Isaid.Orthat’swhatIthoughtIsaid.Itfeltlikeitcameoutjumbled.
Shegrinned.“Alwayshittingonme.Don’ttrytotalkyet.Youjustgotout.”
Iclosedmyeyes.Asleepagain.
ItfeltliketimehadpassedwhenIwokeup.Iwasinadifferentroom.Iwasstilloutofit,butnotasmuch.Anursewastakingmyvitals.Brianawasstillholdingmyhand.
Thenursefinished,andItriedtositup.
“Nonono.Liedown.”Brianaputagentlehandonmyshoulder.
Iwinced.“WhydoIfeellikeI’vebeenhitbyatruck?”Myvoicesoundedraspy,andIrememberedthatI’dbeenintubated.
“Weharvestedyourorgan.YousaidIcouldhaveit,remember?”
“Youjusttooktheone,right?”Ishiftedalittleandgrimaced,sore.
“I’llgetthenursetogiveyousomemorphine.”
“I’mgoingtobesixteenagain?”Isaidtiredly.“PassedoutonJ?gerinacornfield?”
Shelaughedandputherchinontopofmyhandonthebed.“Youknow,theyalmostdidn’tletmeinhere.TheysaidIhadtowaituntilyouwereawakeandyoucouldaskforme.Theyonlyletmeinbecauseyouhadmelistedonyourintakepaperworkasyourwife.”
Igaveherasmall,tiredsmile.“I’mtryingtomanifestthethingsIwantbyspeakingthemintotheuniverse.”
“Andyouwantawife?”
“Onlyifit’syou.”
Shepeeredgentlyatme.“I’mopentodiscussion.”
Myheartratepickedup.Webothknewit,becausetheheartratemonitorstartedbeepingoutofcontrol.
Shescootedclosertome.“I’mgoingtomovein,ifthat’sokay,”shesaid.“Maybewecanstartthere?Takeitslow?”
Ismiledquietlyather.“Yeah.I’dlikethat.Butwhydon’twegetanewplace.Thatwayyou’llfeellikeit’syourstoo.”
Hereyeswentsoft.“Jacob,youdon’tlikechange.Movingisstressful.”
“Idon’tcare.I’lldoitforyou.We’llputbothournamesonit—orjustyoursifthatmakesyoufeelbetter.”
Shebitherlipandnodded.“Okay.Thankyou.”
Isqueezedherhand.Shesqueezeditback.
“I’llgogetLieutenantDanfromJoyandwatchhimuntilyougethome,”shesaid.
“Thanks.”
“AndI’lltakecareofyourplants.”
Iletoutalong“Nooooooo,”andshelaughed.
Myeyesfeltheavy.Iclosedthemforasecondandthenopenedthemagain.
“HowisBenny?”Iasked.
“Thesurgerywentwell.Nocomplications.Hisnewkidney’salreadyproducingurine.”
Iarchedaneyebrow.“Really?Sofast?”
Sheshrugged.“It’saperfectmatch.”
“Someonetoldmeoncethatevenaperfectmatchisn’tperfect.”
Sheheldmyeyes.“Thisoneis.”
Wegazedateachotherforalongmoment.Thenshegotupandputherforeheadtomineandclosedhereyes.Iclosedminetoo.Iwasstillalittleloopyandthedarknessbehindmylidsmadeeverythingfeellikeadream.
“Didyoureadit?”Iwhispered.
Shenodded.“Yes.Idid.”
“IlikeAvaforagirl,”Isaid,openingmyeyestolookather.
“AvaXfinity?”
“AvaXfinityOrtiz.”
Shelaughed,thensatbackdown.Iraisedmyhandtotouchherface.Sheturnedintoitandkissedmypalm,andIknewmynightmarewasover.She’dreturnedtome.
“I’msosorry,Jacob,”shewhispered.“Iwasreallyscared.”
“Iknow.”Irubbedathumbonhercheek.“Iknowyouwere.Butyouknowhowsocialsituationsarehardforme?Andyouhelpmewiththat?”Isaidsoftly.
Shesniffedandnodded.
“Iknowtrustishardforyou.Sothat’swhatI’mgoingtohelpyouwith.”
ThenIjustlaythere,lookingather.FeelingthepeaceandcalmthatIonlyfeltalone—withher.
“What?”sheasked.
“I’mafraidI’mjustdruggedandnoneofthisisreallyhappening.”
“It’sreallyhappening,Jacob.”
Iclosedmyeyes.“HowdoIknow?”
“Becauseloveshowsup.AndhereIam.”Epilogue
Jacob
TwoYearsLater
Yourcatchphraseofthedayis‘Slowandsteadywinstherace.’”
IsmiledatBriana.“Really?YouthinkI’mgoingtoneedone?Today?”
IhadAvaonmyhip.Shewasinalittleyellowtulledresswithamatchingyellowbowaroundherhead.Shewastryingtoputmyboutonniereinhermouth,soIswitchedsides.
Brianagavemealook.“Ithinkyouespeciallyneedonetoday.Thereareliketwentypeopleoutthere.”Shenoddedtothebackyard.
“Myimmediatefamily,yourimmediatefamily.Jessica,Gibson,Zanderandhishusband,AlexisandDaniel.IthinkIcanhandlethat.”
Sheshrugged.“Ifyousayso.Butfeelfreetouseitifyouneedto.”Shereachedbackbehindherweddingdressandfannedthetrain.
Theweddingwasupatourcabin.We’dfinishedtheremodellastyearanddecidedtodotheceremonyandreceptionintheyardinfrontofthelake.Wehiredaweddingplanner,andtherewasaneleganttentsetupforthereception.Besidesthat,notmuchaboutthisweddingwastraditional.
Wewerestandinginsidebythebackdoorwhileeveryonefinishedtakingtheirseatsoutside,becauseIwaswalkingBrianadowntheaislemyself.Shedidn’tliketheideaofsomeonebringinghertomelikeshewas“propertychanginghands”—herexactwords.Shewantedustowalkasequals.Anditwaslessanxietyformethanstandingthereinfrontofeveryonewaitingforhertocometome.
Therewouldn’tbeasweetheartorheadtableforeveryonetostareatallnight.We’dbesittingwithourbestfriendsandtheirspousesatatablemixedinwitheverybodyelse.Nofirstdance—we’ddancewheneveryoneelsedid.Nothingthatputtoomuchfocusdirectlyonus—me—otherthantheceremonyitself.Wejustwantedtocelebratewithourfriendsandfamily,andBrianaknewwhatIneededtobecomfortable—whichiswhyIwasprettysureIwasn’tgoingtoneedherget-out-of-jail-freephrase.ItwasalsooneofthemanyreasonsIlovedhersomuch.
Ismiledather,standingthereinherwhitedress,holdingherflowers.“Areyousureyouwanttomarryme?”Iasked.“Idon’thaveanyorganslefttodonate.”
“IthoughtaboutthatandIalmostbailed.ButthenyouwentandchangedyourlastnametoOrtizandmadeitweird.It’dbekindofadickmoveifIdidn’tmarryyounow.”Shetwistedherlips.
Ilaughed.I’ddonealotofthingsoverthelasttwoyearstomakesuresheknewthisrelationshipwasnothinglikeherlastone.
IstillhadthesamePINonmyphone—hers.Andwewenttocouple’scounselingonceamonth,justtomakesurewemaintainedourcommunicationskills,andIneverlostsightofwhatsheneededinthisrelationshiptofeelsafe.She’dgonetocounselingwithoutmetoo,toworkthroughsomeofthelingeringfeelingsaboutherlastmarriageandherchildhood.
Itwasgoodthatwehadthatfoundation,becauseshe’dhadashortboutofpostpartumdepressionafterAvawasborn.Wegotherthroughit.ThenIstartedhavingpanicattacksatworkwhenBriana’smaternityleavewasupandRosahadtogobacktoArizonatobewithherhusband.LeavingAvawithastrangerwhenshewasstillsosmallmademefeelanxious.
Brianalikedgoingtoworkanddidn’twanttogiveupthesecurityofhavingasalary.SowetalkeditoveranddecidedIwouldquitmyjobatRoyaumetostayhomewithAvauntilshestartedschool.SoIwasastay-at-homedad.Ilovedit.Mymentalhealthhadneverbeenbetter.
Theystartedplayingtheweddingsongwewantedtowalkdowntheaisleto.“FallingUp”byWillHeggadon.Itwastimetogo.
Theweddingplannercameoutofnowhere,talkingintoaheadpiece.“Ready?”
Brianalookedatme,holdingherbouquet.
Ismiled.“Ready.”
BrianahookedherarminmineandIadjustedAvaonmyhip.ThecoordinatoropenedthefrontdoorofthecabinandBrianaandIcameoutontotheporch.Everyonestood.
Ididn’tlikethispart,whereeveryonewasgoingtostareatus.ButIverymuchlikedthemarrying-the-love-of-my-lifepart,soitwasworthit.
Wewalkedtheaisle,smilingatourhandfulofguests.Danielsatholdinghisdaughter,VictoriaMontgomeryGrant,nexttoZander’shusband.
AlexisandZander,ourmatronofhonorandbestman,waitedforusunderthetrelliswithLieutenantDan,whohoppedononefootatthesightofuscoming.
RosaandGilwerebeamingaswepassed.Gibsonandhiswifewereinthesamerow.Gibsonstillhadn’tretired.
JillandWalterwerewithJewelandGwen,whosatwiththetwinsbetweenthem.IraisedmypantlegdiscreetlytoshowthemthesquirrelsocksIhadon.Theywereeightnow,buttheystilllovedit.
BensatwithmysisterJane.They’dmovedintogetherlastyear.TheyrentedmyoldhousefromusafterBrianaandIgotourownplace.OurnewplacehadlotsofroomforthebabyandanextraguestroomforwhenRosavisited.WehadtwodeepfreezerscompletelyfullofSalvadorianfood.
Benny’skidneytransplantheld,andhewasdoinggreat.Hewasrunningmarathons,wasbacktowork,andhadbecomeasmuchapartofmyfamilyasBriana.TherewererumblingsthatheandJanewerenext.Brianasaidshewasgoingtopersonallyhandmysisterthebouquet
WepassedGrandpa,andBrianasnortedquietly.Hewasopenlysmoking.Momshruggedlikeshe’dgivenup.Dadwinkedatme.
WhenwegottoAmyandJeremiahseatedonthecornerofthefirstrow,IstoppedandhandedAvatoheraunt.Mylittlebrotherwasholdingmyniece,whowasonlyafewmonthsolderthanmyowndaughter.They’dbegoodfriendsoneday,justlikeBrianaandAmywere.
BrianahandedherbouquettoAlexisandtookmyhands.
We’dwrittenourownvows.
Ilookedinmybeautifulwife-to-be’seyesandcouldn’tbelievehowluckyIwas.Shetookmybreathaway,everyday,justlikethefirsttimeIsawher.
Theofficiantsaidafewwordsaboutmarriage,andlovingandsupportingeachother.Hereadapoemabouttwoverydifferentpeoplebeingtheperfectmatchbecausetheyfilledthepartstheotheronewasmissing.Andthenitwastimeforthevows.
I’dthoughtlongandhardaboutwhatIwantedtosay.AndwhatI’dcomeupwithfeltexactlyright.
Ilookedherintheeye.“Briana,Iagreetobeharmlesstoyou.”
Shesmiled,becausesheknewthatwasallofit.Itwastheonlypromisesheneededtohear.
Itwasherturn.Shegavemeawrygrin.“Jacob,Iagreetobeharmlesstoyou.”
Thesmilerippedacrossmyface,followedbythestingoftears.AndthenIreallycouldn’tfeeleveryone’seyesonmeatall.Itwasjustthetwoofus,alonetogether,showingup.Becausethat’swhatlovedoes.Itshowsup.AndI’dneverstopdoingit.
Ikissedmybride.Acknowledgments
ThankyoutonephrologistDr.JaredFialkowforyourexpertiseandERnurseTerriSaenzMartinezandKristynPackard,LPN,foransweringamillionDMsaboutlifeintheER.Thankyou,LieslBurnes,RN,fortherandomandfrequentlate-nightmessagesaskingweirdhospitalquestions.BetareadersKimKao,JeanetteTheisenJett,KristinCurran,TerriPufferBurrell,AmyEdwardsNorman,DawnCooper,andsensitivityreaderLeighKramer—Icouldn’tdoitwithoutyou.ThankyoutoSueLammert,alicensedclinicalcounselorspecializingintrauma,Dr.KarenFlood,andDr.JuliePatten,licensedpsychologist,forhelpingmetodepictthementalhealthaspectsofthisbookwithsensitivityandaccuracy.Asalways,mydisclaimerthatanyerrorsinthisbookaremyownandarenofaultofthepeoplewhoadvisedme.
Abigthank-youtotheForeverteamforalltheydo:myeditor,LeahHultenschmidt;publicist,EstelleHallick;coverdesigner,SarahCongdon;productioneditor,StaceyReid;MichelleFigueroa,TomMis,andNitaBasufromtheaudioteam;andthecountlessotherpeoplewhoworkedsohardtogetthisbookintoyourhands.
Thankyou,ValentinaGarcía-Guzio,forhelpwiththeSpanish.ThankyoutoStephanieArndtforthetitlesuggestionwhenwehadtorenamethebookatthelastminute,andanodtoSaraRedaforchattingwithmeviaDMsfordaysaboutwhatnarratorsIshouldcheckoutfortheaudiobook.
StaceyGraham,Ican’tbelievewe’refivebooksin!OMG!Thankyoufortakingmehere,I’mlovingtheride!DiscoverYourNextGreatRead
Getsneakpeeks,bookrecommendations,andnewsaboutyourfavoriteauthors.
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ReadingGroupGuideDiscussionQuestions
Atthebeginningofthebook,Brianafeelssomuchdespairaboutherlifesituation,hownothinghasworkedoutlikesheplanned.Haveyouhadthoughtslikethatinyourlife?Wereyouabletoturnthingsaroundorfindadifferentkindofoutlook?
CompareandcontrastBriana’sbleakoutlookwithBenny’s.Whatroledoeshopeplayincombattingdepression?
HowdidJacob’ssocialanxietyshapehisdailylife?Didyourecognizesomeofthosequalitiesinyourselforinothersyouknow?HowmightJacob’sstorychangeyourperceptionofmeetingsomeonewhoseemsshyoraloofatfirst?
Howdidwritingletters,insteadoftextingoremailing,influenceBrianaandJacob’srelationshipatthebeginning?Whenwasthelasttimeyou’vewrittenaletterandwhodidyousenditto?
Jacobusesjournalingandexerciseashisformsofself-carewhenhisanxietyflares.Whatkindsofself-carehelprelieveyourstress?
Atonepoint,JoytellsJacob:Ifyou’rewithsomeonewhodoesn’tspeakyourlanguage,you’llspendalifetimehavingtotranslateyoursoul.DoyouthinkAmywasselfishfornotunderstandingJacobbetter,orweretheyjustincompatiblefromthestart?Howmuchofastrongrelationshipcomesdowntoinnatecompatibilityandhowmuchisempathyandunderstanding?
BrianadestroyedNick’shouseaftershecaughthimcheatingandlaterfeltembarrassedforbeingsopetty.Haveyoueverdoneanythingintheheatofthemomentandregretteditafter?
Jacobhassuchacolorfulfamilyfullofdistinctivepersonalities.Whowasyourfavoriteandwhy?Whodidyourelatetomost?HowaretheMaddoxessimilarordifferentfromyourfamily?
HowhasBriana’sviewofmenbeenshapedbyhermotherandherownlifeexperiences?CouldyouunderstandwhyBrianawasafraidtoloveJacob?
Haveyoueverconsidereddonatingbloodoranorgan?Whyorwhynot?Author’sNote
Whenmyeditoraskedmetowritealittlesomethingaboutmyreasonforthethemesinthisbook,atfirstIthoughtmaybeI’dtalkaboutmyexperiencewithanxiety,ormydesiretowritemyfirstdivorcedheroine.ButwhenIsatdowntostart,IrealizedthatthestoryIwantedtotellwasalotmorepersonal.Sopersonal,infact,thatit’sonlyjustnowthatIcanevenbringmyselftotalkaboutit.
Here’smetakingabigbreath.
In2020,inthemidstofeverythinghorriblethatwasgoingonintheworld,IstartedtonoticethatIwaslosingmyhair.
Itwasn’tsuperobvious.ItwassominorIthoughtmaybeIwasimaginingit.Itjustseemedatinybitthinnerthanusual.Maybeitwasthestressofthepandemicandtheelectionyear,orperhapsIwasalittlebitanemic.Myperiodswereawful,soitcouldhavebeenthat.Ifelttotallyfine.Istartedtakingironandtoldmyselfifitdidn’timproveinafewmonths,I’dgoseemydoctorjustincase.
WhenIfinallydidseemydoctor,myentireworldwasturnedupsidedown.
Ihadchronickidneydisease.
Withinthespanofoneweek,Iwasdiagnosedwiththatandalifelong,progressiveautoimmunedisease,thecauseofmycondition.Andtheprognosiswasn’tgood.Iwasgivenathirty-threepercentchanceofmykidneydiseasegoingintoremission,athirty-threepercentchanceofitstayingthesame,andathirty-threepercentchanceofgoingintofullrenalfailurewithinfiveyears.Iwasfortyyearsold.
Iwentfrombeingaperfectlyhealthywomanwhodidn’teventakeamultivitamintosomeonewhosawadifferentspecialisteveryweek.Islippedintoaworldofpainfulproceduresandtreatments.Ihadakidneybiopsy.Iwasplacedonaslewofmedications.Igotasecondopinion.Thenathird.IabsolutelyhateneedlesandnowIwasgettingblooddrawntwo,sometimesthreetimesamonth.
Thedoctorswantedtoplacemeonchemodrugstosuppressmyimmunesystemtotrytostoptheonslaught,andIwasterrifiedaboutwhatthosewoulddotomybody.Iwasterrifiedtohaveadepressedimmunesystemduringapandemicbeforeavaccinewasavailable.IGoogledmyautoimmunediseaseandtumbleddownFacebook-grouprabbitholes,whereIreadstoriesaboutpeoplegettingulcersontheireyesandlosingalltheirteeth.IsatinaStarbucksparkinglotsobbingafterrealizingthatmyfavoritedrinkdidn’ttastethesamebecauseofwhatmyautoimmunediseasewasdoingtomysalivaryglands.
Islidintoadepression.Mybestfriendwassoworriedaboutmesheslidintoadepressiontoo.Icriedeverysingleday.Iwasputonarestrictedrenaldietandcouldn’teatthefoodsIloved.IwasnolongerallowedtotakeNSAIDs,somypainfulperiodsbecameexcruciatingandunbearable.Thequalityofmylifeplummeted.
Thisdiagnosisbrokeme.
Andthewholetimenobodyoutsideofmyinnercircleknewathing.Iwaspostingonsocialmedia,promotingmybooks,andactingoutwardlynormal.IwrotePartofYourWorldinthemidstofallthis,somehowmanagingtochurnoutmymostsuccessfulbooktodate.Everythinglookedamazingfromtheoutside,butreallyIwaslivingtheworstyearofmylife.
Yourkidneysdon’tliketotellyouwhenthey’resick.Infact,mostpeopledon’tshowanysignsofsicknessuntilthey’reinstage-threekidneydisease.IwasextremelyluckythatInoticedmyhairthinningandIdidn’twaitlongerthanIdidtogetcheckedout.Therewasn’tscarringonmykidneysyet,somydoctorsagreedtoawait-and-seeapproachtogivetheless-toxicmedicationsachancetostartworkingbeforetheyputmeonsomethingharsher.
Buteverymonthforhalfayearthelabswerethesame.Iwasn’timproving.Iwouldgetanxietythedaysleadinguptoandaftermybloodwork.TheemailswithmyresultswouldgivemepanicattackswhenI’dgetthenotification,becauseitwasnevergoodnews.Myworldrevolvedaroundmyhealthissues.IwasBenny.Andthenallofasuddenandoutofnowhere,mylabscamebackalittlebetter.
Itriednottogetmyhopesup,butthenextmonthmynumbersdroppedevenfarther.Everytimemybloodworkcamein,itwasanimprovementonthemonthbefore.Myhairstartedtogrowbackandmyautoimmunediseasegotquietandmycoffeestartedtotastegoodagain—andthenPOOF.Ayearaftermydiagnosis,Iwentintofullremission.Igotmylifeback.Justlikethat.I’llbeonmedicationsfortherestofmylife,I’llalwayshavemyautoimmunedisease,anditcouldalwaysflareupagain,butafullremissiongivesyouawonderfulprognosis.Idon’tthinkevenmyowndoctorexpectedwhathappened.Iwasvery,verylucky
I’vealwaysbeenavocalsupporteroforgandonation.Infact,Imentionitinmostofmybooks.ButnowItrulyunderstoodtheothersideofitandtheimpactthatneedingatransplantmakesonthelifeofthepersonwhoreceivesit.Iknowwhatit’sliketolivethehundredsofwhat-ifs.Tobeworriedyouwon’tgetanorganifyouneedone.Towatchyourworldgetsmallerandsmallerasyourdeclininghealthclosesinonyou—andIfunneledallofthatintoYoursTruly.IknewIwantedourherotobethekindofheroIalmostneeded,soImadeJacobakidneydonor.Iwrotethepsychologicalimpactofalife-altering,chronichealthconditionintothebook,notjustinBennybutthroughBriana,ahelplesswitnesstohissuffering—becausewhenyouhavepeoplewholoveyou,theyhurtalongwithyou.
Allofmybooksaremadeupoffragmentsofmylife.Someyoumightrecognizefrommysocialmedia.Someyouwillneverknow.AsJacobsays,weareamosaic.We’remadeupofallthosewe’vemetandallthethingswe’vebeenthrough.Therearepartsofusthatarecolorfulanddarkandjaggedandbeautiful.Allmybooksaremosaicsofmeandmylifeexperiencespiecedtogetherwithtouchesoffiction.Toentertainyou.Tohelpyouescape.Toeducateandhopefullychangethewayyouseetheworldandwhatyouputintoit.Myhopeisthatthroughthisbook,andthroughsharingmyownstory,youmayonedayconsiderthegiftoforgandonation.Itchangeslives.
AbouttheAuthor
AbbyJimenezisaFoodNetworkwinner,USATodayandNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor,andrecipientofthe2022MinnesotaBookAwardforhernovelLife’sTooShort.AbbyfoundedNadiaCakesoutofherhomekitchenbackin2007.ThebakeryhassincegoneontowinnumerousFoodNetworkcompetitionsandhasamassedaninternationalfollowing.
Abbylovesagoodromance,coffee,doglets,andnotleavingthehouse.
Youcanlearnmoreat:
AuthorAbbyJimenez.com
Twitter@AuthorAbbyJim
Facebook.com/AuthorAbbyJimenez
Instagram@AuthorAbbyJimenez
TikTok@AuthorAbbyJimenezPraiseforAbbyJimenez
YoursTruly
“Thisheartfeltromanticcomedydealsrespectfullywithmentalhealthissues…Theprotagonistsarealsobeautifullydevelopedandauthentic.FansofJimenezwillclamorforthisbook,andfirst-timereaderswillwanttoexploreherbacklist.”
—LibraryJournal,starredreview
“Sparklingprose,skillfulplotting…contemporaryromancegold.”
―PublishersWeekly
PartofYourWorld
“AbbyJimenez’swordsarelikefairydust…theysprinklehumorandwarmthallovermylife.”
—AliHazelwood,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor
ofTheLoveHypothesis
“Theperfectembodimentofromanticjoy…Thisbookisanemotionalexperiencethatwilltickalltheboxesforpassionateromancefans.Amust-read.”
—Kirkus,starredreview
A“layered,soul-stirringromance…Jimenezdexterouslytacklesclassdifferenceandshadesherendearingsidecharacterswithasmuchcareasherlovableleads.Theresultisanemotionalrollercoastercenteredonloveasasourceofempowerment.”
—PublishersWeekly,starredreview
“Jimenezisanexcellentstoryteller,andherspecialblendofhumorandangstispolishedtoperfectioninPartofYourWorld.”
—Bookpage,starredreview
This“flawlesslywrittencontemporaryromanceisanotherperfectlycalibratedsynthesisofrichlynuancedcharacters,blazingsexualchemistry,andsizzlingwitdeftlyinfusedintoanempoweringstoryline…whilealsoofferingasubtlewinkandnodtotheenduringcharmofDisneyfairytales.”
—Booklist,starredreview
Life’sTooShort
“Ahilarious,tender,andaltogetherlife-affirminggemofabook.Thisisthekindofnovelthatleavesyoualittlebetterthanwhenitfoundyou.Jimenezisatruetalent.”
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